#I FEEL FINE PHYSICALLY BUT MENTALLY I CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE THIS

[cookinguptales]

ooooh love that 4 am chronic illness venting

sometimes I think the worst part about having a chronic illness is accepting that, in many ways, it will never be as good as it is now. I can be in awful pain, I can be exhausted, I can be barely functional at work and I still know things are only going to get worse. like. god. if I'm this bad at 34 how the fuck am I going to be when I'm 50?

I couldn't even get through one film festival. my hormones have been acting up since I got back to Philly, probably brought on by all the travel and stress about work, and I spent a solid two weeks with my ribs and hips dislocating and the first three days at the festival were just me being in so much pain that I would go to the restroom and cry between movies.

that's what having a good time apparently looks like these days!

and then my ribs start calming down just in time for a heat wave. 85 degrees. god knows I can't go out in that anymore, because this body can't do fucking anything right. okay, fine, whatever. then my period finally comes a week early, seems about par for the course with whatever the fuck is going on this month, and the endometriosis is so bad that I could barely get out of bed yesterday, much less make it to center city.

so in the end, I have so far made it to 4 of the 10 days of the festival, and I don't have much hope about the last two. I have to come to terms with the fact, now, that maybe I can't even handle film festivals anymore. I can't handle going into the city and sitting in a dark room for a week now???

I feel like I've wasted all this money on something I was really excited about, because I used to really love going to the film festival. but have we devolved to the point where I can't even do this anymore?

like I know that this month is irregular, for several reasons, but I can never depend on a month to be regular anymore! I can't plan a trip three months in advance because I don't even know how I'm going to be three days in advance anymore! do I just give up on making plans in the future? do I give up on looking forward to fucking anything anymore?

and I know that the mood swings are part and parcel of having pmdd (I had ~three~ panic attacks yesterday) but also like. god. at a certain point how can you handle balancing work and trying to have fun while your rib is literally sticking out of your fucking back. you can feel it! when you touch! my back!

and at what point does a mental breakdown become inevitable, dealing with that kind of pain? when you're also dealing with about five different work deadlines and you still want to make art but you have no time for it and when you finally have time, nothing you write is any good.

all that and I'm supposed to have fun, too? I feel like every time I carve out the least little bit of fun for myself this october, the month I am supposed to enjoy the most, I spend the next three days paying for it.

I feel like I just. I'm at the point now where I physically cannot leave the house ten days in a row anymore. I can barely handle three days in a row. I'm not even doing anything. I'm just sitting there, but apparently the act of taking a bus to a building and sitting in that building is too much for me now.

I know I've been kind of irritating to be around for the past few weeks, but I am just exhausted. and today I'm finally clearing the joint pain, I'm finally clearing the nausea and inability to eat (which of course makes me sicker), and I'm just. I'm so fucking tired. I can't even enjoy not being in (as much) pain for a few days.

and of course trying to scrape all this together, I haven't been able to clean the house, so it looks like shit and I feel like shit about that, too.

I don't know. some days when you have an incurable illness that you know is just going to get worse over time it's just. I don't know. it's hard to have any hope at all. I feel like I'm going to die alone in a filthy house because I don't have the energy to be a real person anymore.

like I go visit my parents and I'm always so glad to get home because I love them but I also need my space but there's always that realization that like. oh right, living alone is really fucking hard. some days I can barely even feed myself. I feel so useless.

I know that withdrawing from my friends is probably the opposite of what I should be doing right now, but it's also. I don't know, sometimes I feel almost ashamed to let them see me when I can't even pretend that I have my life together. like usually I can at least pretend that my body isn't weighing me down too much. letting people see me when it's very, very clear that I am hanging on by a thread feels far too vulnerable.

I guess some piece of me feels like if I let people see the awful underbelly of what it's like to actually be disabled, they'll be disgusted with me. like. sometimes disability is just we have to walk a little more slowly at the museum or I can only eat certain foods when we go out or I get way too chatty because I'm exhausted and I lose my filter when I'm exhausted. but sometimes disability is not showering for a week and a living room that's covered in garbage and unpacked suitcases and sitting in your bed and crying for hours. like. there's nothing glamorous about it.

I feel like I have to work so hard and pretend so much to even reach "tolerable" to other people but I'm not even tolerable to myself right now. even on my best days, when I can go out and hang out with people and pretend that I'm okay, I know that I will be going home to a messy house that I will never invite people to because it's embarrassing to admit that I live like that, not because I want to, but because I have to.

but I can't even do that anymore, I can't even go out for a few hours and pretend that I'm normal and well-adjusted and not at all a burden to my friends and my family and my community.

I don't know. I don't know. I'll be okay. I always end up okay. but I feel like having a chronic illness means mourning a thousand different opportunities you had to give up because you were home puking or whatever, and right now I'm mourning a film festival.

or at least the me that could go to film festivals.

[st4rfckerz]

****Ok to the 19 year old virgin with a dildo.*****

I’m 10 years older than you and have been busy in that time. I lost count of my body count, but it’s over 100 for sure so I’ve seen a lot of cock, and most of them aren’t huge. I’ve had all the races and I’ve found that they all have similar sized cocks. Black, white and Latino have like 6-7inches which is fine if he knows how to fuck. I’d say 25% have 8inches and maybe 15% has 9inches. Like 8% are under 6 inches, and I have only come across two 10 inchers out of like 100. I’ve only had sex with one Hawaiian guy and he was tall and built and had a 9 inch. I had sex with a Japanese guy too and he had like a 7 so that whole Asian guys have small dicks thing isn’t true as far as I can tell, but I don’t have a lot of experience with Asians although they’re really attractive. The Hawaiian guy was a mix of Phillipines, Somaoa and pure Hawaiian and his name was Kalani and he had this tattoo on his leg that told the story of his people and it was so hot. His eyes were grey which he said was very unusual and got him beat up when he was little but GOD he was attractive and really great in bed. He made me cum so many times I thought he broke me. Lol. Most guys don’t make you orgasm unless they know how to stimulate your clit and make you feel comfortable and beautiful. If you’re uncomfortable, insecure, or unsure about a guy, you won’t be able to reach an orgasm. Men orgasm every time they finish. It’s more physical than mental for them, while it’s equally mental and physical for women I think.

Side story about the Hawaiian guy just cuz I want to tell it- I met him in Las Vegas at a night club when we were there for my friends bachelorette party weekend. I saw him and said he was hot, and I’m very picky and never really single guys out so it got all my friends attention. I had to pee so I left my purse with my friends, and one of their drunk genius asses goes up to him and tells him he needs to return my purse to me and points me out. Thank god he didn’t just steal my purse with everything in it, but he came up and gave it to me and got me a drink and a rose and he came back to my hotel with me and hung out the whole entire weekend.(he was friends with a bunch of famous UFC fighters but none of us had a clue who any of them were, but a few of my friends got with some of those guys.) He was supposed to go back to Hawaii, but he asked if he could just hang with me a few days, and I told him I lived across the country and he bought a ticket to my hometown and ended up staying a week, and then came back a couple times and I went to Hawaii one time with him, and he didn’t want me to get on the plane but I was an idiot and didn’t say I love you too when he said he loved me. I said thank you and then got on the plane. he never spoke to me again and I was stubborn and didn’t call him after I tried a couple times and gave up.

Back to the cock talk. Length isn’t as important as the thickness unless it’s over 7 inches and hits your cervix. That shit does not feel good. When a guy hits your wall, it’s painful unless you enjoy pain, which some women like to be smacked and have their hair pulled but I’m not one of them. I’ll smack a motherfucker right back!

Porn isn’t a good gauge of what cocks are like cuz those are all extreme sized. I heard that if you’ve given birth, then you can handle bigger cocks, but I’ve never done that so I cannot verify, but I cannot imagine there’s too much of a difference since your body goes back to what it was before birth. There’s a point where they’re just too damn big.

The hottest guy I ever fucked had this enormous penis and it was terrible. I tried several times and different positions, but his dick was like as big around as a soda can and was like 10 inches. You’re trying to get something close in size of your virgin pussy? That’s gonna be tough, if not impossible. Plus what is the dildo made of? If it’s silicone or rubber, then you need some lube. I cannot stress it enough! Lube is so important. If you don’t have enough anti friction lubrication (natural or store bought) sex is not fun, and can even injure you and your partner.

Penetration isn’t really that important in female masterbation. It’s all about clit stimulation and figuring out what really turns you on. Just because you’re wet, doesn’t mean you cummed. That’s just your vagina lubricating itself in preparation for sexual activity when you’re horny or aroused. You absolutely know when you cum. It’s almost like a really strong finally getting to pee feeling, but in a good way and you don’t pee (unless you’re a squirter, but those are pretty rare) squirters are just what they sound like, when they cum they spray pee and their orgasms are more intense. I’ve squirted before and I think it’s so embarrassing but the guy is always so into it. (Even if you get them right in the face, guys are so gross sometimes)

I suggest getting a smaller dildo, and get one with a clit stimulator. Get one that’s got a plug and is rechargable so you don’t burn through a million batteries. They’re more expensive up front, but save you money in the long run.

You don’t wanna loosen yourself up too much anyway. It feels better for you and him if you’re tighter down there. If he goes down on you, and is considerate your first few times, you’ll be able to take dick in no time.

If he won’t go down on you or is not being careful or considerate, and tries to force it in roughly without you telling him to do so, then just get up and leave. You don’t need to get ripped or torn, or get a bruised internal vagina, or not be able to walk the next day comfortably cuz he’s an asshole. Just abandon ship.

Blue balls are supposedly a real thing but most of my guy friends say they are greatly exaggerated to guilt trip women into doing what they want. They don’t actually experience pain. It’s a scam.

there's nothing i can really add because i've only been with a woman but this is like top tier advice

[my-castles-crumbling]

hello hello,

sorry bc this is a bit long and I got a bit carried away

But basically all my life i thought my home life was super great but looking back on it, it was nice but some slightly (only slightly) questionable stuff [I want to clarify that it’s nothing physical but some of it was a little bit fucked up like I have one stand out memory but also I may have made it up bc idk sometimes I’m super sure it happened and sometimes I’m not] went down and now i notice more and more my parents making sexist/homophobic/transphobic jokes and offhand comments and then getting annoyed and yelling at me whenever I try and tell them they’re wrong. I also sort of noticed that they’re a bit too pushy and invasive of my privacy [especially my mother who loves to offload her problems onto me and has since I was pretty small and would just barge into my room at any time and tell me about them and I understand communication is important in families but I don’t think 9 is a good age for your mother to regularly be crying to you about how suicidal she feels but she always acted like it was a good thing so I assumed it was too idk] and it’s like half the time they treat me like I’m way younger than I am [late teen] and the other half of the time it’s like they expect me to be a mature adult and like I just want to be my actual age yk but I can’t and tbh I don’t even know how to go about doing that now bc I feel like I’ve sort of been stifled and the thing is I’m not sure how I should actually be feeling about the whole thing because I don’t think they’re actually really bad people [my parents] and I end up feeling guilty about the fact that I just don’t want to talk to them anymore [especially my mum] and like ik people who have way worse home lives than me and I feel like it’s being a bit selfish to complain bc sure they make problematic jokes but I don’t think they’d necessarily treat me worse if I came out [non-binary and pan] but also I don’t think they’d be that great about it like my brother came out as bi and they were like ok but then one time when he was away they were talking about ‘if he gets a girlfriend’ and I said ‘or a boyfriend bc he’s bi’ and they were like ‘yeah he’s bi but he’s only ever really shown interest in girls so we doubt he’s actually bi but I mean if he got a boyfriend we’d be fine with it’ and I was like on the one hand like it could be worse but it still didn’t sit right with me that they just casually assumed he was lying about it even tho he’d literally come out…

also I sort of don’t even want to come out atp to them I just want to sort of quietly cut ties or distance myself

so I sort of tried to do that [as much as I can yk being still a minor and living at home] but now I’ve got my mum not so subtly idk tryna guilt trip me. Like she’ll say shit about how I used to talk to her and now I never do and like there’s a fucking reason [I now actually have friends who I realised I feel way more comfortable around] but ok

Like a while back she came to my room and tried to do the usual complaining thing about how she’s v depressed and all and I tried to respectfully tell her she needs therapy and she got super upset with me and started crying and stormed out my room and then she came back later and tried again and I told her like as nicely as I could that I can’t handle this bc I am just a kid yk as nice as possible I cannot handle my shit let alone yours like my mental health is not great rn and like I want to be there for the ppl in my life not feeling good but also like she’s been doing this since I was pretty small and there’s literally no way I can really support her except spending more time with her maybe but then that’s bad for my mental health especially bc she’ll do offhand shit that she knows I don’t like [like I have sensory issues bc I’m neurodivergent and having a hand put on my shoulder for some reason I just ugh it’s the worst - and ever since she noticed that I would pull away she’s started doing it more and every time I pull away she makes jokes about how she must have ‘a disease or something’ and just UGH sorry it infuriates me]

so basically [sorry for the suuuper long ask] I’m not sure what the right thing to do is, like do I try and remedy the relationship with my parents [but especially my mum] or do I just sort of keep going like this till I’m at uni or what?

again sorry this is way too long

Hi love! First of all, I wanna give a TW to people reading:

TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts

Okay, I'm gonna take this one section at a time:

But basically all my life i thought my home life was super great but looking back on it, it was nice but some slightly (only slightly) questionable stuff [I want to clarify that it’s nothing physical but some of it was a little bit fucked up like I have one stand out memory but also I may have made it up bc idk sometimes I’m super sure it happened and sometimes I’m not]

Okay chances are you're not making it up. Thinking you're making it up is a super common symptom of guilt trips and gaslighting. If you think it happened...it probably did.

went down and now i notice more and more my parents making sexist/homophobic/transphobic jokes and offhand comments and then getting annoyed and yelling at me whenever I try and tell them they’re wrong.

This is NOT okay of them. They're being disrespectful.

I also sort of noticed that they’re a bit too pushy and invasive of my privacy [especially my mother who loves to offload her problems onto me and has since I was pretty small and would just barge into my room at any time and tell me about them and I understand communication is important in families but I don’t think 9 is a good age for your mother to regularly be crying to you about how suicidal she feels but she always acted like it was a good thing so I assumed it was too idk]

Uhm hi hello hi. NO. No no no. This is NOT okay. Parents do NOT tell their children about their suicidal feelings. Absolutely not. This is a classic example of parentification. You, even as a teenager, are the CHILD. You are NOT responsible for your parents, and you should not feel any sort of pressure to help with their wellbeing. Nope.

and it’s like half the time they treat me like I’m way younger than I am [late teen] and the other half of the time it’s like they expect me to be a mature adult and like I just want to be my actual age yk but I can’t and tbh I don’t even know how to go about doing that now bc I feel like I’ve sort of been stifled and the thing is I’m not sure how I should actually be feeling about the whole thing

yup. parentification. You've been expected to take on the role of a parent when convenient and act like a child when convenient. this is not okay and you're absolutely right to feel weird and bad and resentful about it.

because I don’t think they’re actually really bad people [my parents]

And here's the thing: that can also be true. A lot of times, parents can both love you/be good people AND unintentionally be hurtful. But in a way, that can be even more difficult because like...how do you explain to someone who thinks they're not being hurtful that they ARE?

and I end up feeling guilty about the fact that I just don’t want to talk to them anymore [especially my mum] and like ik people who have way worse home lives than me and I feel like it’s being a bit selfish to complain bc sure they make problematic jokes but I don’t think they’d necessarily treat me worse if I came out [non-binary and pan] but also I don’t think they’d be that great about it like my brother came out as bi and they were like ok but then one time when he was away they were talking about ‘if he gets a girlfriend’ and I said ‘or a boyfriend bc he’s bi’ and they were like ‘yeah he’s bi but he’s only ever really shown interest in girls so we doubt he’s actually bi but I mean if he got a boyfriend we’d be fine with it’ and I was like on the one hand like it could be worse but it still didn’t sit right with me that they just casually assumed he was lying about it even tho he’d literally come out… also I sort of don’t even want to come out atp to them I just want to sort of quietly cut ties or distance myself so I sort of tried to do that [as much as I can yk being still a minor and living at home] but now I’ve got my mum not so subtly idk tryna guilt trip me. Like she’ll say shit about how I used to talk to her and now I never do and like there’s a fucking reason [I now actually have friends who I realised I feel way more comfortable around] but ok Like a while back she came to my room and tried to do the usual complaining thing about how she’s v depressed and all and I tried to respectfully tell her she needs therapy and she got super upset with me and started crying and stormed out my room and then she came back later and tried again and I told her like as nicely as I could that I can’t handle this bc I am just a kid yk as nice as possible I cannot handle my shit let alone yours like my mental health is not great rn and like I want to be there for the ppl in my life not feeling good but also like she’s been doing this since I was pretty small and there’s literally no way I can really support her except spending more time with her maybe but then that’s bad for my mental health especially bc she’ll do offhand shit that she knows I don’t like [like I have sensory issues bc I’m neurodivergent and having a hand put on my shoulder for some reason I just ugh it’s the worst - and ever since she noticed that I would pull away she’s started doing it more and every time I pull away she makes jokes about how she must have ‘a disease or something’ and just UGH sorry it infuriates me]

This is what I'm saying: it's super difficult to convince someone they're being hurtful when they truly think they aren't. Trust me, my mother is the same way. But you aren't wrong for wanting to distance yourself. Also, don't compare yourself to other people. You have a DIFFERENT home life, not necessarily a better or worse one.

so basically [sorry for the suuuper long ask] I’m not sure what the right thing to do is, like do I try and remedy the relationship with my parents [but especially my mum] or do I just sort of keep going like this till I’m at uni or what? again sorry this is way too long

Don't be sorry! I guess the first thing I'd say is, all of your feelings are valid, and this sounds super difficult. I'm sorry you have to go through it <3. Here's the thing: You are right. There are some things going on in your house that aren't okay. But the reality is, your mom doesn't seem to be willing to hear your opinion about changing them. SO, where do you go from here?

I think the two major things I've had to learn with my (very similar) mother is:

Set boundaries and stick to them. If she's dumping on you and you can't handle it, tell her it's not okay. Keep politely telling her this. There is NOTHING WRONG with doing this, even if she tells you otherwise.

Take what you can get, but don't get your hopes up. Does she want to take you out to lunch? Great. She wants to hang out after school? Awesome. But don't...rely on her to be more than she is.

If you're able to do these two things in a healthy way, this might be your best bet until you turn of age and you're able to reevaluate if you want a long-term relationship or not. But honestly, if you're financially dependent on her, separating from her completely might not be the best idea if you are safe.

The ONLY thing that makes me nervous about this whole situation is your mention of your mom's suicidal thoughts, so I'll leave you with this:

if your mom is scaring you with the way she is talking, call the authorities. You are a minor, and you should NEVER have to deal with that on your own.

No matter what happens, no matter WHAT your mom does, no matter what you do or don't say/do or don't do, your mother's decisions are her own. Nothing she does is your fault.

If you feel comfortable, please DM me! I'm being genuine when I say our moms sound similar, and I would love to talk more <3

P.s. I just want to say that, you are SO smart, as a teenager, to realize that this behavior is not okay. Good for you <3

[vizthedatum]

I have come to realize that I simply cannot cohabitate with some people and that it's fine.

Of course it's fine.

But I do really well managing my own household even if I need help from time to time. Getting help from friends or services when you're disabled is nothing to be ashamed about.

Or even doing small tasks here and there because you don't have the energy to do the bigger ones.

My PMDD cloud has been lifting a lot more, and today… I've been so busy and productive even though I'm bleeding (but it is not that heavy! Maybe because of the T? Maybe because I did exercise today?).

I am still having a hard time eating… specifically solid food. Liquids have been fine (and this has happened before - smoothies, protein shakes, and stuff like that helps).

—

I'm doing a month’s worth of laundry right now and taking breaks. 🎉🎉🎉

I'm so glad I have more boundaries with my one friend.

I'm so glad that my therapist understands why I need my bathrooms and stuff to be so hygienic - and that I really don't even need to have a reason to not allow someone in my place if they can't respect that. (If my at-home bladder meds get approved, I will have to be even more careful).

And I am SO glad that I don't feel like a failure at cleaning/organizing like I did when I lived with my ex-spouse. They shamed me for a lot. No, I wasn't perfect… but the way they handled a lot of stuff made it almost impossible to collaborate with them.

And I know this is very egotistical of me… but I clean and sterilize better. I just do. (besides they always made me clean up the mouse excrement while we lived in a mouse infestation for over a year while becoming more and more hysterically covid-paranoid to the point of it affecting both of our mental health leading to horrible physical autoimmune effects on me, then screaming at me when I wanted to socialize instead of cleaning the house which was (as I said) hard to do because they couldn't handle the process in which I cleaned - then they made us switch to “all natural” cleaning products which don't even kill viruses and bacteria while we had fucking live rodents running around in the middle of a pandemic - fuck that asshole. And of that's not even covering all the other stuff).

—

I'm decluttering again right now, while doing laundry.

—

The cleaning stuff is always at the back of my mind because I'm auDHD with chronic health issues and VERY ambitious career goals/work. My stuff can get everywhere fast

I will ask or pay for help when I need it.

I WILL do it myself (which I prefer) when I can.

And I'm imposing this rule/boundary for myself: I would rather a partner/lover not help me or live with me unless they explicitly (in verbal and written fom) tell me that they can do it without resentment and without draining themselves. They're allowed to retract consent at any time (again verbally and written), but I need a lot of trust before I share responsibilities like that again with someone.

Someone should want to help me because they can and want to. (or if they're being paid or if it is a fair trade of some sort - I have cleaned my friends’ places before)

And if someone doesn't like the way I clean or live, then we don't have to live together.

—

I know I can do better with speaking up with what I need and also being very mindful/explicit when I'm helping other people (I have been reflecting on how I maybe did too much in a cleaning flow state the other day at a friend’s (I did clean to the point where it was safe for me healthwise - but then went further? But we did talk about it, and I think I know how to approach the situation better).

[rhizomehaunt]

personal

it is so fucking hard to reckon with my own internalized ableism and also grief that i cannot physically do things like be on the ground anymore. in 2020 I was sick but didn't realize the extent of it and was out weekly and organizing with friends and able to participate in direct action multiple times a week and still able to recover and handle my responsibilities, and my body just cannot do that anymore. i walk 20 minutes and have to lay down for the rest of the day and then am out of it physically/mentally for the next few days, not just in a "i'm tired" but "i cannot actually do anything nor manage tasks like making dinner, finishing work, comprehending anything I'm reading, etc". i've been taking advil multiple times a week and sometimes daily in really bad stretches for like a decade just to manage pain (i know it is bad for me and i know it's probably causing problems and also it is that or being bedridden from pain 50-75% of the time). most days i can't read because i just cognitively can't comprehend anything. i am never not in pain or fatigued and even the slightest thing causes PEM. sometimes I can't sleep bc my heart rate is so fast just even laying down bc I had like, a carbohydrate. even as i'm writing this my jaw and neck and shoulders are aching and i have a horrific headache i've been ignoring but they're only at a 5/10 pain level instead of like 8-10/10 so i'm used to it and still trying to finish work bc it's so hard for me to manage my day job I have to work through the weekends to catch up. i genuinely barely leave my home because i just cannot manage anything even with my cane. and i know these things and still i think i should just be able to push past them/push through them, and i cannot and every time i do, i get sicker and stay sicker longer. and i know this logically but emotionally it just feels like an excuse, like half of the time i have to remind myself i am chronically ill and disabled bc my own internalized ableism is like, bitch you are probably fine and just lying to yourself, when like, my heart rate jumps to 150 sometimes just throwing a spring toy for my cat and most of my day is spent sitting or lying down because being upright is too hard. sometimes 15 minutes of a gentle stretching is enough to make me so dizzy I gotta lay down for a few hours. sometimes I have to have my partner sit in the bathroom while I shower to make sure I don't fall over or pass out. I start to black out sometimes just sitting up. it's so hard to reckon with what I can do now because I'm so limited physically and so hard because half the time i am afraid i am just making it up and i should/could just push through. i miss my body and life before being sick i miss what i could do i miss who i was.

[aajjks]

TPOL!JK

“OH MY GOD!!!”

“woah”

yerin is speechless at they all ride to your apartment in busan and once you made it to your front door, well, barely front door because it was hanging off the hinges. your house, your belongings, and everything had been trashed and destroyed. you immediately rush in trying to recover the photo album of you and your mother because it’s the only thing you care about. “she needs the photo album!” realizes jorja as she jumps in the pile with you help find your dear item. you’re in a panic trying to retrieve it because it’s the last physical thing you have of your mother and your father,

yerin walks around to try and find it as well, panicking with you because no one has yet to locate it and your apartment is a mess. you can’t live here, they’ve done too much damage. from the bedroom to the bathroom, the kitchen, and the living room was covered in broken glass, ripped clothes, and tarnished items.

after 20 minutes of searching, you finally find your photo album that was ripped apart. there were some pictures still in it but majority of them were either ripped up or missing. “nonononono!!!” you cry out holding the album close.

your phone then rings in your back pocket and it was jorja who answered it for you and held you close to comfort your hurt state.

“hey, jungkook. no this…this is jorja. we’re okay, we’re a little cut but y/n…that bitch ruined her home and destroyed the photo album of her parents!!”

you then take the phone from jorja to talk to jungkook yourself. you’re sniffing on the phone and listening to jungkook say he was going to kill chaeyoung with his own hands which you never want him to do. you hate when he gets his hands dirty for you especially when the two of you aren’t together anymore.

“j-jungkook, n-no. i’ll press charges, i’ll figure it out just…don’t do that. if you break up with her it’ll only get worse. she acts just fine with you so just play it off until we take her to court”

meanwhile chaeyoung has just pulled up to jungkook’s penthouse and devised a plan so clever, even jungkook will be impressed. she knows jungkook doesn’t want to “talk.” he’s going to break up with her and send her to jail but he doesn’t get to break up with her especially when he found his match.

He scoffs when you advise him to keep being with her, how can he be with her when she hurt you? She’s even more psychotic than him.

“Yn are you insane? She hurt you! AND YOUR FRIENDS TOO- you could’ve died today?!?” He’s angry, and he is frustrated. “no you know what I’ll handle this my way. And the security team must be on their way so don’t worry OK.” and it hurts him to hear you crying like that and he’s not there to comfort you.

“Princess I’m so sorry you had to deal with her.. first my crazy father and now my crazy girlfriend… why do I attract crazy people? I’m so sorry- whenever I’m in your life something really bad happens..” he sighs, rubbing his temples because he’s really stressed.

Why cannot he be with a nice person?

“Okay… now I’m going to go because she’s almost here.” He says- barely stopping his tongue from saying I love you to you.

As soon as he cuts off the call, his door buzzes. He sighs, standing up. She’s in, and the first thing he does is glare at her while he stalks towards her.

“Hmm so… why were you there? Huh?” He begins, eyes set on her like a predator, he’s feeling murderous right now… but then your words ring into his ears.

Jungkook is standing right in front of her. His eyes are cold. He is so pissed off. “ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW, OR WE ARE OVER!” Jungkook screams at her, neck vein popping out.

This behavior from her is nothing new because he’s pretty sure she’s assaulted people before. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY DON’T YOU GET IT? Her and I ARE NOT EVEN TOGETHER ANYMORE!” He grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her.

“You’ve gone COMPLETELY MENTAL AND YOU HAVE EMBARRASSED ME. I KNEW YOU WEREN’T THE PERFECT ONE FOR ME. FUCK YOU.”

[lightningandfireinmybones]

oof okay listen, i felt like in order to best understand the latest chapter I should go back and re-read ch.6 as well. i'm glad i did!

now I was originally going to comment my thots on ch.7 but as you will see it all got derailed so.. this is a love letter to my bad bitch Val Vel.

(i'll be back for Aemond cause bestie that last chapter was a huge one)

i'm adding a read more although since this is an ask idk if it will work <3

Her best friend, her most assertive protector, and she had been unforgivably absent to him for years. Running away from demons that were part of her.

yeah... ouch Val babe! And it's well established that she's not feeling that way only about Grey Ghost, or her brother, or even Aemond. It's her entire family, her complete support network that she feels like she has let down by leaving (in her mind abandoning) and now that she is back (let's not forget the circumstances of her return; under preassure from Daemon and emotional distress over Rhaenyra's health, after a life threatening situation which was half inability to care about herself and half ectively putting herself in danger) she still feels like she cannot "Do the Right thing" to not hurt her loved ones, not be a nuisance, not cause them any more grief.

the other parts of her, the ones she’d let down repeatedly.

and that's the fucking worst! if she were self assured she might have been able- better eqiupped- to handle all that stress and most importantly, find healthier ways to deal with her trauma and guilt. But now her tattered self confidence is just a mean companion. She can be self assured and make decisions for herself but she will be left in the wake of things feeling like she messed up, like she made a stupid choice (she often does). it will only feed her self hatred and fuel her self destructive/ self harming tendencies.

baby Val... ilysm. and i like to remind myself that val isnt just a person who happens to do drugs. Instead, she is struggling with substance abuse. She is experiencing the symptoms of her horrible mental state.

She’s not nearly numb enough, the lure of oblivion strong, but she pushes through. 

The walls are up, she’s unfortunately sober, and she wants to escape. She wants to stop feeling like an unwanted failure.

also there's something so interesting about the way she interacts with Dalton. i think i love it because there are no expectations there from either side. she can just call him, give no explanation, not bother with niceties and small talk and just "order" him to service her in some way and he does. i think her relationship with him is in its own way the most freeing one she has atm? the most open?

there is no emotional baggage, it's clear to them both what it is, and let's not act surprised, he is also enabling her in her Sad Slay Era. the open acess to drugs, to sex, to that exact type of physical only affection that is enough to drown out everything else while simultaneously look nothing like the deeper, emotional bond and (im never beating the romantic accusations) love they shared with Aemond.

Dalton is cool, a fine mist, a spring day with a bit of heat. He is easy, a Sunday morning in, all easy confidence and cocky smiles.

Dalton is uncomplicated and looks, acts, talks, exists completely unlike Aemond. ofc she's calling him up.

[...] Each brush of his tongue, each nip of his teeth is pleasant, but not exhilarating.

bet. i love how every thing she does to dalton is somehow mirrored in a reverse order in her memories. like she does to him what was done to her. as a way to return to those moments safely while not being in the physical position to be reminded of aemond? since they were opposites maybe the way to distance herself from what she felt with him is to act like him? idk idk... there's sth too important hapenning here and im too dumb to put it into words but bestie you slayed!

The flashbacks Val has are devastating and i hate you for them!

“You don’t give me orders,” Aemond growls, slamming her back into the wall. “I am in control here, Valaena. Never forget that.”

which is ofc followed by a "show of dominance" from Val. baby girl... intrusive thoughts are H A R D to deal with.

Maybe Im talking out of my ass but!

in her past Aemond had been controlling and assertive and dominant and whichever other synonym we can use BUT it was in a way that she explicitly enjoyed. It was a known, well established thing between them and was safe for her to explore with him.

I feel like once you drop the chapter where we see precicely what happened between them it will all make sense and just click together so nicely.

because im getting the vibes (i may be way off here) that the issue was that due to their shared trauma and childhood together, and since they clearly loved each other, as well as being each other's first AND a family member on top of that AND a safe haven from everything going on in their lives AND SINCE Val was well aware of Aemond's struggles what with his father and whatnot, she -at some point- / -probably due to aemond pushing too hard- started feeling a tad unsafe by this. or even better, insecure.

let's go with Insecure actually. because i feel like at some point the balance they had established, how they were equals in their relationship kinda shifted in a way? maybe she felt like her choice was being taken away ? (especially if aemond does end up pushing about free sex and tries to explore his breeding kink). Poor Val is scared of pregnancies and also they are extremely young!

so perhaps she made herself feel guilty for not being able to cater to precicely every need aemond had, especially when it felt good to do so, when it was pleasurable for her and worked as a bonding thing for them. that and the fact that it probably was legitimately sth that she did not fully vibe with at her age, it made her feel guilty and bad for not being able to set that boundary since to an extent it probably felt like a betrayal to Aemond??

and to actually leave him? go away for years? while knowing that she loves him and wants to be with him except for something that we dont yet know having happened between them. it was an extreme choice maybe? we have yet to find out. But whatever it may be it was definitely a hard decision and definitely cost her a lot but seemed as the best choice at the time.

but now she has to deal with the hurt and damage that choice left her with and bestie she's not doing okay!

“I think I like this assertive side of you,”

and val immediately thinks of her "sin" against aemond. how in the past this assertiveness has backfired and was used by her to betray and hurt him and in her words "fuck him over"

Baby you are unwell! it's okay. take deep breaths!

[...] like no more than an errant task to check off his to-do list. He said he’d always want her, but who would want her, the way she was?  Always telling her what she wanted to hear.

yes yes.. I'm a burden. I'm a bad person. Nobody loves me. They are only lying to placate me.

OOOOOFFFFFF. hard to return from that imma tell you that much

“Is this what you want, Valaena? You want me to control everything, down to the air you’re breathing?” Aemond whispers, searching her face. “Yes,” she chokes out, the word hanging in the air between them like a curse or a vow.

no i am normal about this. my felling are quite "meh" about those lines i dont understand what you're talking about. coudn't care less if i tried honestly.

curse or vow. Quite the choice of words. Quite the contradicting meanings. it's almost like someone who say it both ways and felt strongly about both those words would have a bad time trying to rationalise it in their mind and deal with the emotional side of it.

(I HATE YOU BESTIE WHY MUST YOU BE AN AUTHOR WHO USES WORDS THAT MAKE ME F E E L T H I N G S!!!)

[...] he’d no doubt leave her after realizing she wasn’t coming back. 

Hm... are thoughts of abandonment something you deal with regularly miss?

also aemond looked hot on the stairs.. no smartsy comment. just that he looked hot. thank you for your service ma'am

Shame, a different kind than had diffused her this morning, warms her cheeks. Criston had called ahead while she’d been waiting in the car. Now her brother could be disappointed in her too. 

i am mentally well. i am again normal about this.

[...] You’re a fucking disaster, Valaena.” “You think I don’t know that?” She says indignantly. 

“You think I don’t know that?”

Dread surges through her. She can imagine it: her mother’s contrived tears, Daemon’s white knuckled grip, the disappointment on both of their faces. She can see a news headline, something about the party princess, another round of infamy for their family.

“Don’t tell them.” [...] The humiliation she brings on herself never stops. 

she needs help yes. when you're feeling this badly about yourself that you see yourself as a disaster, a sidappointment, someone who only hurts, harms, lets down, puts in danger their loved ones, when you feel like it cannot possibly get any better it can't stop (and usually one feels that way about themselves way before anyone else notices) hearing someone out of concern say it aloud, put it into words, call you out on it feels only as a confirmation of what you already knew.

yes dread, yes humiliation. now that they see her as she truly is surely they will hate her as much as she hates herself and since she is solely a burden they will let her go.

Val my most beloved! <3 <3 <3

A sunny smile on her face, Valaena ends the Facetime, throws her phone on the counter, and proceeds with her skincare routine, finally satisfied.

Finally satisfied, after taking back control. ilhsm! perfect way to end this chapter bestie, truly as always a work of art!!

bestie this is such a thorough analysis i honestly cannot being to express my gratitude that you spent this kind of time on my brain rot bc you are SHOWING OFF THAT GRAD SCHOOL MIND, thesis level work thank u

this chapter was really supposed to send valaena to rock bottom and have a series of painful realizations,,, can't fix what you don't want to admit is broken:')

and yes dalton and valaena are written that way because dalton is both enabler and symptom relief, a little bit of a stress ball where valaena can work out her feelings with no expectations

and BESTIE i cannot wait for you to read the chapters of their last interactions, i have to know your thoughts on it when we get there lmaooo

and thank you bestie, i'll be honest, the curse or vow line was one i was v proud of so i'm glad it landed right lmfao, i like this idea of the heaven/hell, only two absolutes possible for aemond and valaena, and curse (a haunting, a loss, a feeling of fear) or vow (a promise, a light, a reason to be) is what they could be to each other, in every situation

this chapter was brought to you by the soul-crushing song "the archer" by taylor swift, where we get to explore terrifying self-hatred and doubt, applied liberally to our girl valaena

valaena is not easy to satisfy, double entendre intended, so i wanted to give her at least one win this chapter lmfao

but pls thank you for this!!! these anaylsis and long comments are honestly so meaningful and motivations, they make me feel like a real author:')v v grateful, thank you bestie

SALIVATING for your thoughts on the aemond chapter omg i could read your analysis on anything

[samantha-reimagined]

Just some mind vomit

I am mentally not doing well, but not in any sense of anything. Like I am super stressed and overwhelmed, and I feel like I am constantly being judged and honestly, that's just from the constant evaluation of everything.

Like everyone focuses on healthcare fatigue and compassion fatigue, but no one takes a moment to think about what it is like to be constantly told you are not good enough. Like I understand that this is part of the learning and feedback process, but I feel like I haven't been successful at one case I've seen since I started last May. Like there is always something to work on, and so you strive to get better, but honestly, you stop feeling like you are even good at anything.

Like I cannot wait to be fucking done. 1 year of constant rotations is too much, but also not enough. There are things that I missed or was not able to accomplish, but at the same time, I don't have enough time to do everything or anything.

Like tomorrow: I will be at clinic for a 7am patient. There is snow, so will that patient show? Unclear. I then have "class". Will I have more patients? Who knows! because my one supervisor who is supposed to be in charge of me, keeps getting strongarmed by the other supervisor who is trying to be in charge, leading to my confusion and annoyance.

Will I be able to work tomorrow? Unclear. But that's besides the point. Will I be able to write some of my thesis? or call a patient? or actually prep for patient's later in the week? unknown.

Wednesday I am lucky that my class is fully remote, because I don't know if I could handle being in person.

Thursday, I have an 8 am meeting and a 9 am meeting, one of which is remote, but the 9am is in person, so I have to go down to clinic by 8. I have a meeting with my thesis director and class, but then no later class (thank christ) because of my oral exam today, which could either be disastrous or fine, i really don't know. Maybe my class and I are going out, maybe we aren't.

Friday I have patients. Will I be able to work in between? That remains to be seen.

Oh, and I need to call and email places for support groups for a family and email someone else who wrote the wrong information on the intake form because I am getting pushback from someone else. And I need to schedule a time to call a patient for a different clinic. And I am supposed to set up time to do physical therapy. And I need to make sure my bills are paid or figure out my housing for when I am my clinic in person so I don't go broke. Oh, and I need to email a form to a previous site supervisor because I wasn't told that was needed to be done prior to my rotation because my one PD tells me nothing, and I need to finish my portfolio for my MPH degree.

Like I have a million things happening and maybe I should move up my therapy appointment.

[icannotgetoverbirds]

Some important points in the notes:

image ID: Tags by yellowflowerzzz, reblogging from jevilcore that read

#c slur#(disclaimer. i am physically disabled and this is my opinion)#keep people who physically cannot fit in small stalls in mind as well#theres a huge overlap of disabled people and fat people. i myself am both#some people just can not fit in the small stalls. when the accessible stall isnt available its really hard to squeeze myself into the small#stall#if you physically can not fit into the small stalls regardless of your ability/disability you can use the big stall.#even if i didnt often need the hand rail of the big stall i would still probably have to use it in most bathrooms because of#how small the damn small stalls are.#the world has been made inaccessible to disabled people and fat people and esp fat disabled people.

Image ID: Tags by somethingclever666, reblogging from herbirdglitter that read

#I reblogged a post yesterday I think?#saying we should have multiple of the accessible stalls in bathrooms#especially cause the regular stalls are way too cramped for anyone who isn’t thin#and whether you’re old or young you might need those handles#idk I just feel like they definetly need to add more#but yes to all of this!!

End Image ID.

Image ID: Tags by demo-ness, reblogging from haberdashing that read

#imo it's still fine for like. strollers or people still potty training their young kids#people in the notes also bring up the fucked up bathrooms where the door swinging inwards makes only the accessible stall good for fat folks#which yeah i've experienced that. but there's also a lot of other venn diagram overlaps between the fat and disabled experiences#so that's sorta still the same ballpark?#anyways please holy shit do not have meltdowns or LUNCH in a public bathroom#and if you MUST.... use the middle stalls! they are less often used and thus have fewer germs#even in a world where you never prevent someone who needs the accessible stall there's no good reason to use it doing those things

End image ID.

Image ID: a reblog by cannabisbutch directly from OP that reads

amending this to add: fat people who physically cannot fit in a regular stall- in that case you also need the extra space for the same reason many disabled ppl do bc many mobility aids cant fit in standard stalls

Tag: #hope u dont mind op but ive known a lot of fat abled ppl who feel bad for this and they shouldnt!

End image ID.

Image ID: A reblog by burger-laboratories, reblogging from cannabisbutch's previous reblog that reads

@ cannabisbutch i def agree w yer addition! im both fat and disabled and i can say that fitting in stalls is def a valid issue cause- yknow, the fuck are we supposed to do in a stall where we literally can't move? 😭

good Original post and good response 👍

End image ID.

Image ID: A reply from safetytree that reads:

you know what, i actually think this post make a very good point! this is talking about fully able-bodied people that can use smaller stalls without problem. Everyone misunderstanding this post, y'all need to read the post again and again because the shit y'all mention AREN'T IN THE POST! OP never said you can't use the disability stall if you're fat or mentally disabled or anything that requires you to use the disability stall. It's not OPs fault you misunderstood!!!!

End image ID

This is a really important point to make. I'm absolutely not going to fault op for not including every single possibly affected group in the post, especially since op made an addition later including that last screenshot, among other things. The small stalls should really be bigger, and there should be a greater number of accessible stalls available, but in the meantime this is what we have to work with.

Image ID: Tags that read

#'but i didn't see any disabled people waiting for the bathroom'#as if they couldn't show up while you were in there???#I'm an invisibly disabled ND and I'm just appalled when the accessible toilet is being used as a private office#it sucks when you can't be alone for your ND stuff but maybe don't pick the emergency stall!#if you need a stall for nondisabled things then maybe be an ally and demand accessibility so we're not all warring over one bathroom#the world is ableist af but me having a breakdown in public is less destructive than a person wetting themselves or breaking their leg#being treated like the Big Bad Disabled for having bathroom access needs is why so many give up and never leave their house#it's not worth dealing with NDs who don't understand the disabled hierarchy of needs bc ppl are so over defensive#bathrooms are systemically weaponized by society to decide who gets to be in public so true intersectionality would be demanding change!!!

End image ID.

Image ID: A reply from 0-768457 that reads

I know people are upset by the delivery / tone / etc but I think OP is reasonable to be frustrated. They aren't saying "fuck you, mentally ill people," they're saying "this bathroom is the only one we can use, so if you don't have to use this one, please don't."

End image ID.

Image ID: Two replies from nightmaretour that read

Reply 1: The people in the replies completely missing the point. Yes, there should be more disabled stalls. But there aren't. Denying someone who needs that stall for the sake of their physical health from, you know, being able to use the goddamn bathroom is a huge problem. You can't materialize a new disabled stall by saying there *should* be one, but you can very much stop taking the existing one from people who actually need it.

Reply 2: The point isn't theoretical gatekeeping, it's that physically disabled people are actual, real life human beings and we exist out in the real world, not just on the internet. A lot of you seem to forget that.

End image ID.

Image ID: Tags by realignbyredvox, reblogging from cannabsicomrade that read

#disabled tag#litcherally pls#weve had to go to the only other handicap bathroom on another floor several times this week#im not even a wheelchair user.#i need it bc i 1 throw up a lot and 2 sometimes need the handles to help get up#also. also.#idk if anyone said this in the notes#but disabled bathrooms are also often the only gender neutral bathrooms. which is both a trans and a childcare issue.#they often have changing tables which are necessary for parents... these groups should not have to overlap and share so much#but all the more reason to leave them free whenevr you can.

End image ID.

This is also an issue - oftentimes the most accessible stalls/bathrooms are the only gender-neutral ones, and this can be a matter of safety. Oftentimes they have changing tables that aren't accessible without occupying the room/stall itself. This is a systemic issue.

Image ID: Tags by egregorelink, reblogging from night-dark-woods that read

#nooooobody is more ableist than an able bodied neurodivergent person is #theyll come up with ways of being ableist youve never seen before #ablesim

End image ID.

Yeah, this is something I've been noticing. I'm not going to debate whether physically disabled or ND people have it worse - we really don't need to be playing oppression olympics - but for real, able-bodied NDs absolutely don't get the first or final word on physical disabilities. I probably could've worded that better, but this took a lot of spoons as is, so I'm doing my best here. Also, OP, feel free to tell me to shut up if I'm talking over you.

Image ID: Tags by kot-time, reblogging from notabled-noodle that read

#generally true but also some intellectual disability people might need to use the accessible toilet if they NEED second person help#because regular toilet isnt big enough for 2 people#which sucks#but yeah overall true

End image ID.

Another important point to make. Again, I don't fault op for not including every possibility of people who would need the accessible toilet - and it's important to remember that op is not calling for the policing of who can and cannot use the accessible restroom, just for those of us that don't need it to take some responsibility.

TL;DR: There are people that OP didn't mention that are worth noting as needing accessible stalls. Just because OP didn't include every possible person doesn't mean that they're maliciously excluding them.

ND able-bodied people need to stop speaking over physically disabled people.

This is not about policing who can and cannot use the accessible stall/restroom, this is about personal responsibility.

OP has every right to be frustrated, as this is vital to their well-being as well as the well-being of countless others.

Dear (physically) abled people: the accessible bathroom stall is NOT for you.

And no, I don’t care if you’re neurodivergent.

Acceptable reasons to use the accessible bathroom stall:

You have mobility issues (visible or invisible) and need the support of handles/grab bars

You have disability aids, such as a cane or a service dog, that require extra space

You need space to catheterize, change a stoma bag, or perform another disability-related procedure

Your disability involves incontinence or inability to hold waste and therefore you need fast access

Unacceptable reasons to use the accessible bathroom stall:

You want privacy during a panic attack and therefore think that it’s ok to use up resources that aren’t for you (idc if you’re neurodivergent)

You want privacy during a meltdown and therefore think that it’s ok to use up resources that aren’t for you (idc if you’re neurodivergent)

You want to eat your lunch in the bathroom (idc if you’re self conscious about eating)

You don’t have actual digestive/gastrointestinal disabilities, but you just want to take a nice long shit

You want to take a break from socializing (idc if you’re autistic)

You want to have sex/make a phone call/get drunk/etc

Let me emphasize: your panic attack, eating habits, social anxiety, or whatever, is not a justification for using up a limited resource that isn’t for you.

I do not care if you’re neurodivergent or mentally ill or whatever. You’re occupying a space that isn’t meant for you. You’re appropriating a finite resource that some people have no choice to need.

Physically disabled people, such as myself, are not just annoyed, but materially harmed by neurodivergent people who think they have the right to occupy the accessible stall for their panic attacks or what have you. We can get UTIs, other infections, rashes, and pain from not having access to a useable bathroom… waiting 20 minutes for you to eat your fucking salad in the accessible stall while we are in wet underwear/diapers is not ok.

Don’t use the accessible toilet if it’s not for you. End of story.

Edit because y’all are putting words into my mouth: this isn’t about invisibly disabled people. This isn’t about me standing outside every accessible toilet trying to judge whether or not each individual is disabled enough. This is about a broader trend of abled neurodivergent people speaking over physically disabled people.

[atorchzagreusandtris]

"Why do you act so weird?" I have a brain-altering disorder caused by the severe trauma and abuse I went through as a child. PTSD is a disorder that involves unavoidable and uncontrollable flashbacks, avoidance of trauma reminders, sleeplessness or hypersomnia, depression, and so much more, but then you add the "complex" part of C-PTSD onto that and your symptoms get that much worse. Difficulty trusting others even if they're close to you, difficulty regulating your emotions (which is part of what makes it similar to BPD - which is a disorder you can usually only get if you grew up in an abusive home), HEIGHTENED emotional responses (such as impulsivity or in my case, aggressiveness), hypervigilance, frequent negative thoughts and emotions, feeling guilt or shame, lack of identity/sense of self, and persistent difficulties in sustaining relationships. I have a lot of these symptoms even if people don't necessarily see it, I don't have anyone who I entirely let my guard down around. Not even my mother. I can get pretty close to unmasking around others, but I never fully unmask. Even if it's just myself, I can't unmask. My brain will not LET me, if I try, it shuts out all emotions and I just become apathetic. C-PTSD causes PERMANENT brain alteration in both your brain chemicals and brain structure, especially in the amygdala (the part of your brain that processes fear and other emotions), hippocampus (the part of your brain that's largely responsible for learning and memory), and the prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain that's involved in executive functions, such as planning, decision-making, personality expression and controlling social behavior). And some studies have shown brain changes CAN be more severe with those who have C-PTSD than those with regular PTSD. Then you add genetics into the mix, I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) which I could have very well inherited from my mom. People with certain genetic backgrounds can be more likely to get PTSD after a traumatic event. C-PTSD specifically stems from longterm abuse/trauma.

"But I was abused and I act normal" Years of repression + years of burying your emotions doesn't mean you're acting "normal", it just means you're masking and/or your brain physically detached itself emotionally from the events to help you cope in the same way it tends to do to mine. Also, I thought that too until I got diagnosed with C-PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder when I was almost 10 years old. Just because you don't talk to a therapist or take psych meds/aren't in a psych ward doesn't mean they are less mentally stable than you are. You cannot compare trauma, you cannot compare how I will handle a traumatic situation to how you will because we are two entirely different people and as such will have different reactions. What may be fine to me may be overwhelming to you and vise versa.

Stuff like this is exactly why I'm going for a psych major. I'm still LEARNING about a disorder I have and struggle with near daily, fuck even about my god damn self. I only just a few days ago realized I had avoidant attachment and it wasn't just "introversion". I'm 22 and I still have a shit ton of identity issues because who I am is so fucking complex and idk who the hell I am beyond my interests???

[frostbite-the-bat]

.

i still cant believe its been basically over a year since the start of my last year at my high school - like i am free from that now.

the first month or SO was pretty breezy - before things get harder and things are still getting started. but still, less breezy than the other years of course, as we already had some dumbass typical-for-my-school bullshit thrown at us.

i was terrified of my finals that were coming later next year, but i was still carrying through. i also began realizing i am basically in pain daily - NOT just my hands. but couldn't pinpoint the cause but i knew that practice where we do laborous physical shit was going to be a nightmare. (it was)

after covid and bad untreated carpal tunnel shit it was a nightmare to go through note-heavy classes too. not being able to pause for even a second or you miss out on important notes, getting weird looks from your teacher. literally gasping for air as your hands cannot handle the sharp pain from having to write this fast. and you're still 'slacking behind'.

that got better and then worse in some days. but. sure. can deal with that. have been dealing with that since.

but at time went on and on i became more and more miserable, more scared of my future. this school was hurting me more and more, being constantly neglected by my teacher. me especially. the others being better at what they did, so they got some special treatment. more time at the more laborous work for me!! it was a painful fucking nightmare both physically and mentally

i dreaded going there everyday. everyday i wanted to drop out - i wanted to get out of that god damn hell school. as things got worse so did my thoughts... and yet i made it! i managed to get through. i did it.

at this time last year i would've been already going through so much shit. and yet i'm here. like. i've actually done it. i lived. did i deserve that?? did anyone deserve that treatment we got there?? absolutely fucking not.

in all fucking seriousness i couldnt be happier right now doing nothing, even if it does get to my brain sometimes. even if i know i wont get good treatment in the future, possibly. but even then there's still a future for me. even if still under my parents - if i do get a job i can just quit i will not be tied to a shitty teacher and possible legal trouble if i dont attend. this teacher who also likes getting too personal and nice and then whips out some of the most cruel most insulting shit you could imagine. i hope shes fucking happy quitting the job after essentially abusing me and my classmates. i hope shes happy doing her own thing after screaming and yelling at me and telling me to cry harder when i did a simple mistake. i hope she's fucking proud of herself for this. i hope she knows how miserable we all were during her classes, or rather, the lack of them, as she never taught us anything and made us do her own personal event shit for her. i hope she knows i dont ever plan on doing anything in my life thats like what i studied at this school and graduated from basically because im so scarred by it.

seriously. how was any of this legal. it cant be. i feel so sorry for any future students, but also happy, since they wont have to deal with HER anymore.

i do not, honest to god, plan on going back to any school anytime soon, and i'm just fine staying unemployed for now even if just.. completely under my parents. i cant do shit anyway. but god im happy to just.

rest finally after all that. nobody deserves that. looking back and not living through it anymore makes me realize how fucked up it was. its so surreal. im not dealing with that anymore.

but god is it going to haunt me for a long time.

[crunchity-munchity]

👁👄👁 I went to bed yesterday with the impression that ot would be a new and better day but no u guess not

You ever have where you get kinda bad news and you don't think much of it untill a little later, yeah, let's just say its a little hard to focus on class work rn

[multi-dudes]

just putting the pieces of this article down that are stuck in my head. I'm not in a crisis but I am having a nice gradual little spiral about it. sorry friends. don't read if it doesn't matter to you it's all okay it's for me to remember later and I don't care if it's public

✅ "rational, present-oriented, and grounded parts of the individual that handle daily life" (rationality may vary but again. how many of me exist. and will I ever even know the answer to that question)

✅ "The jobs of the ANP include social interaction and attachment, taking care of others, work, play, exploration, learning, and taking care of physical needs." (add barely and maladaptively to all of those. unless that's implied. but otherwise yeah)

✅ "they are often highly phobic of and avoidant towards reminders of their trauma or further stress that could activate EP" (very common thing "I" do)

✅ amnesia as an avoidant behavior (at least in the last few traumatic events I have experienced that I can recall. I cannot remember specific parts like faces especially and might forget they happened)

✅ physical anesthesia as an avoidant behavior (every day my chronic pain turns off if I have no way out of the situation. like going to work. turns on as soon as I get home. if I am stressed I feel no physical pain)

✅ emotional numbing/anesthesia

✅ "Particularly desperate ANP might engage in self harm or use psychogenic substances in attempts to forcefully tether themselves to the present and prevent EP from intruding" (I feel sick right now reading this one 🙃)

✅ "[will likely] struggle to form meaningful relationships with others and will have a poor grasp of their own physical and emotional needs"

✅ "the ANP has a need to appear high functioning and may find it easier to avoid all potentially triggering situations and actions"

✅✅✅ "... including those relating to attaching to and trusting others, and throw themselves into work or other non-reflective activities." (GAGGING. AM I THE SOCIAL BPD SYMPTOMS I CANNOT GET OVER, BASICALLY???)

in secondary dissociation:

✅ "the ANP is the main part of the personality and more closely represents the personality that existed before the trauma or stress* triggered structural dissociation of the personality" (I cannot separate me from the bodys identity and life as mine alone, but I also feel defined by intense expectations another part of me that also aligns with the body doesn't. I feel like I am stuck like a little girl but I am not a child mentally)

✅ "struggle with feelings of chronic emptiness, loneliness, and boredom and with identity confusion and a need for others to help them know who to be" (only when I feel most "present", which is most of the time. otherwise seems like another part of me is just fucking fine 🫠)

I don't think I have more than one anp at the moment but it's like. just way too early to know that. and I wouldn't know it. that's the scary part. I don't even know all the alters I could potentially have because I am fending them off without even trying and feeling it physically..

and the fact this makes me feel so so so horrible doesn't help the case at all. good god I'm going to go eat dinner now

I am losing the I am normal competition and that makes me feel like shit because my job is to be what I think is normal. and not be normal and forever feel bad about it. cool. cool! so cool! /s

damn just read about what an anp is in depth. and it makes too much sense. idk if I can do this shit rn

[vizthedatum]

I am not my family's savior. I am a person who doesn't need to save nor do I need to be saved.

Note: I wrote this last night (I have since had my interview and made my arrangements) CW: ALL the content warnings and also a self-declaration for my own growth

---

I am so depleted right now.

I have an interview in the morning, and I think afterward, I’m gonna get a hotel or Airbnb or something. I’m coming back to Pittsburgh on Friday and then going to Houston on Wednesday to visit my best friend.

My declarations:

- I’m glad I came to help my mom and speak to her and to be authentic with her. No regrets. I was finally true to her, and we both needed that. Plus I’m glad I could be there to help with medical stuff.

- She can figure stuff out. She can get a medical translator or someone. She can get therapy if she wants. She can respect my boundaries if she wants. If she wants, she can stick to her meds (she has a tendency to stop meds and not adhere). Not my responsibility.

- It is never “abuse” or what it visibly looks like all the time. Abuse isn’t what you see in the media. It’s insidious. It’s a mindfuck (and when I was a child, it was that and rampant physical abuse). It doesn’t matter if you handled it and are fine now. It doesn't matter if this is “Indian culture.” It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe me. It doesn’t matter if my trauma led me here or whatever. I wish it didn’t happen. It did, it messed me up, it fucked up my thought patterns leading me to be raped (or psychologically manipulated) constantly by people I thought I could trust. It led me to toxic relationships in all sectors of my life. It made me think I was a monster and ugly and stupid - and I still do. I can’t stop. Almost every thought is tinged with self-deprecation. No matter how many compliments I get or how much I dress femme/masc/whatever/more whatever… it’s not enough. It is so hard for me. I have to deal with this my whole life. I have to manage my mental/physical health and it’s not just a luxury or anything - I have to prioritize MY HEALTH and MY JOY now. I can’t put it on the back burner anymore.

- My dad can also respect me if he wants or even respect my mom and bro… but he chooses not to.

- My bro (don’t feel bad please) cannot keep using me as his second therapist. If you’re gonna spiral and if we are gonna have the same conversations, then I’m done. If you die, I already gave you my all - I really did. So I’ll mourn you (like I do in my nightmares when you finally kill yourself… nightmares I’ve had since you lit yourself on fire behind your high school… and then the countless attempts after that) if it happens. But it’s not my fault. I am not the cause. I’ll be devastated ofc but it is not my fault.

- Being here is bad for my health. I’m letting my self-respect and standards slide. I’m shutting down. Physically and mentally.

- All three of them are adults. They have resources. They have internet access and phones and some money and etc. I’m not their savior, and I refuse to be anymore. If they die, it’s not my fault. If bad things happen, it’s not my fault. It is not family, if family makes you feel this way.

- I think I’m gonna keep cutting and pruning ALL unhealthy relationships (unhealthy for me, mind you) MORE now.

I want to really live for me and my chosen family. If I’m gonna have a baby/babies, then I want to set a good example.

I am cutting myself off from my family tree and starting a new tree. It is far from selfish. A lack of support combined with so much disrespect has brought me here. I want to truly be healthy and happy. I deserve it.

I’ll say my goodbyes after the interview.

--

Leaving at around 3pm and my brother will help me. My parents will protest, and I will straight up tell them if they don't allow me to leave, then it's imprisonment.

[deeplywornletters]

the monster that visits everyday

My first entry for @thewitcherbog​ ‘s “The Horror And The Wild”-week. This fic is based on That Unwanted Animal.

I had a very bad mental health day last week, and this is the fic I would have needed to make me feel better. I hope it helps even one of you the way it helped me.

Thanks to @sulkyshengshou for being my beta - you're the best 💕

CW: depression, hurt/comfort

Monsters are something that Geralt has grown used to, almost numb.

They are something that he deals with every day, something that he needs to survive.

If there’s no monster to hunt, there is no coin, no food. They exist in this fucked up symbiosis; the monsters perfectly fine without him, Geralt completely dependent on them.

It means that he isn’t afraid of them. If your fate is determined by that split-second of attack and live, or freeze and die, your body will decide very quickly that it’s of no use to be scared一 no matter how gruesome or ugly looking something may be.

There is one exception.

One monster that still scares Geralt, even though it has been many decades since he first encountered it.

One monster he cannot kill, but not for lack of trying.

It’s more of an unwanted guest; one waiting for him each day, scratching at the door to be let in.

It doesn't ambush him, but instead slowly weasels its way into his life.

He suspects that all the years of hardships ―the verbal abuse of being told how ugly and disgusting he is, the loneliness of not even whores willing to stay the night― has finally got him.

He grows weak. 

The monster sees its chance,

And takes it.

The monster doesn’t hurt him, at least not physically. It just drains him, taking all the colours and joy every time it appears, sucking it up like a vampire. 

The world becomes bland for a while.

If not for Roach and all the humans that need his protection, Geralt is certain that he would have already succumbed to it.

It would be too easy to just give in, follow the colours and happiness into the void, be devoured by it and just… disappear.

Because fighting this monster is more exhausting than any fight he’s ever fought. It is eating away at him, taking a little piece with it each time it manages to kick the door in.

The pieces too small to notice at first.

The pieces too big to replace.

Some days, Geralt lets himself get a taste of the void.

He doesn’t get up as soon as the sun rises. He doesn’t eat and doesn’t drink, doesn’t wash himself. 

Just lies there and is.

The monster is so loud on those days it hurts his ears, the quietness too much to handle, making him feel everything at once and yet nothing at all.

It’s a dichotomy to live in, and the void is always there一 waiting, welcoming.

But sometimes, the monster doesn’t win.

Sometimes, it doesn’t even come scratching at the door, too busy hiding with its tail between its legs.

And on those days, Geralt feels light, sees light.

It’s in the stew an innkeeper offers him for free for no reason but to be kind.

It’s in Ciri’s smile when she finally masters an obstacle course for the first time.

It’s in Jaskier’s eyes. When he sings and dances and laughs, and especially when he kisses Geralt.

The light shines so bright that it drowns out the void, making it almost disappear.

It brings back the colours, illuminates the world and gives Geralt hope.

Sure, he may never be able to defeat the monster.

But he has the light as a weapon, a flaming sword in the darkest of nights.

And that has to be enough.

[mellometal]

Is it time to tear ANOTHER Dhar Mann video to shreds? YOU BET.

I've been sitting on this one for a bit because I wanted to make sure I talk about this tactfully. The subject of parents abandoning their disabled children is a very touchy one.

Parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled is way too common. Like, I understand that not everyone has the resources to care for a disabled child (which is why you reach out for help, and why people like me, who work with disabled people, exist), but it doesn't mean you just walk out of their life. There are exceptions, like if you truly didn't want children or something like that, but just flat-out walking out of your kid's life BECAUSE they're disabled is fucked up.

I know someone personally whose biological mother abandoned her when she was born. Why? Because she's disabled. Physically, and mentally, to a point. I work with this woman on a daily basis. I don't really know WHY exactly her biological mother abandoned her, but I do know that her being disabled was part of it. It's sad. It doesn't affect her, thankfully. I'm happy that she's got her biological dad, her brother, and another maternal figure in her life, at least.

ANYWAYS. Before we get to the topic at hand, I need to put an obligatory trigger warning, like I do with EVERY Dhar Mann post:

This post will be talking about parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled, treating disabilities like they're tragedies (in this case, we're talking about autism...again), divorce, and some SPICY ableist bullshit from an allistic (nonautistic) PIECE OF SHIT.

If any of this triggers you or makes you uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to read this post. This isn't worth putting yourself in a bad state mentally. I would never ask for any of you to put yourselves in that position all for a post. Put your mental health and well-being first. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

As far as my response goes, it's definitely more calm than normal. Funny....since this video is about autism spectrum disorder again. (Third time's the charm, huh, Dhar Mann? NOT.)

LET'S FUCKING GET IT.

The video starts off with these two parents (Gwen and Allen) in a psychologist's office. The psychologist tells the parents that their son (Chance) is autistic, and she tries to explain what autism is to the parents, but Allen cuts her off. Why? Because he teaches at a prestigious university, so he AUTOMATICALLY knows what autism is from that fact alone.

Um, excuse me? Just because you're a teacher at a prestigious university, it doesn't mean you're an expert in everything. It doesn't make you an expert in ASD or anything like that. Unless you SPECIALIZE in that area. Even then, shut the fuck up. The people who know about being autistic are AUTISTIC PEOPLE THEMSELVES! SHOCKER.

Hey, Dhar Mann! QUIT WITH THE VIDEOS ABOUT AUTISTIC LITTLE WHITE BOYS AND YOUNG WHITE AUTISTIC CISHET MEN! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT. It's annoying, ignorant, and it feels like you're doing this on purpose at this point to piss people off. If you're so uninformed about autism in women and girls, FUCKING ASK AUTISTIC WOMEN AND GIRLS! DO BETTER RESEARCH THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE AUTISM SPEAKS. The Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN) are great organizations to go to for any kind of research on ASD in women and girls. STOP GOING OFF OF THE BRAINS OF AUTISTIC WHITE BOYS AND AUTISTIC WHITE MEN.

I don't feel I need to go too deep into the fact that autistic women, autistic girls, autistic nonbinary people, autistic BIPOC, autistic AAPI, autistic LGBT people, autistic teenagers, and autistic adults exist. Y'all already know.

Gwen asks the psychologist if that means Chance isn't healthy. (I understand not knowing about autism, but don't treat it like it's a terminal illness. Please.) The psychologist tells her that Chance is fine, but he just learns differently and might need more support compared to his peers.

Yeah, autism can affect how you learn about certain things (limited and repetitive patterns), but there are other disabilities that can affect learning as well. Like how dyslexia can affect your ability to read, dyspraxia can affect your ability to do math, and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can affect your ability to focus or on impulse control. Autism affects how your brain is developed, it affects you socially, behaviorally, and how you communicate.

Allen is upset, says that he can't have a son "with a learning disability" (ASD is a neurological disability, not necessarily a learning disability), and treats Chance like he's stupid for being autistic. Gwen tells her husband that autism doesn't make you any less intelligent, WHICH IS SO FUCKING TRUE. ABSOLUTE FACTS. I was totally with her until she began that little monologue with "Just because a person HAS autism". SAY "JUST BECAUSE A PERSON'S AUTISTIC" INSTEAD! IT'S NOT HARD. PERSON FIRST LANGUAGE ISN'T WHAT EVERY DISABLED PERSON PREFERS. Allen says that "they could have another kid" and "put Chance up for adoption". Gwen obviously wasn't down with that. Allen gives his wife an ultimatum that it's either HIM or their son Chance. Gwen says that she can't choose between the two, but she will stand by her autistic son. Allen gets up and leaves the office, saying he wants a divorce.

Years pass by, Gwen is single and taking care of her autistic son Chance, and Allen has a new life with a ✨perfect son✨ (Samuel). He never mentions the son HE abandoned (Chance). He's completely forgotten about Gwen and Chance. (YOU OWE SO MUCH CHILD SUPPORT, ALLEN.)

Hey, Allen, how much do you wanna bet that your ✨perfect son✨ Samuel is autistic too?

There's the SATs, they're announcing a winner, and guess who it is? IT'S OBVIOUSLY CHANCE, OF COURSE. He's got the highest score in the country, with Samuel in second place. Allen is PISSED.

Chance gives a speech about how his mom really helped him, he struggled with autism, how Allen LITERALLY ABANDONED HIM, and THE CROWD GOES FUCKING WILD. Samuel, instead of being a sore loser, APPLAUDS FOR CHANCE. Stay humble, Sam.

My thoughts on the video? If you cannot tell by my tone throughout this post, IT WAS DOG SHIT. This video was insensitive to the true reality of parents abandoning their disabled children just because they're disabled. What do I expect from Dhar Mann at this point?

Here's my response to his video below. Don't worry, I will fully type out my response soon for anyone who cannot read the screenshots easily. It's a lot easier for me to do that on the desktop site than it is for me to do it on my phone.

For anyone who can’t read my response, I’m typing it out for you. Like I said, it’s easier for me to type it out on the desktop site than it is for me to type it out on my phone. It’s a real royal pain in the ass. But because I’m trying to make my posts easier to read for people, I’m doing this anyway. /lighthearted

First, second, and third screenshots (broken up into paragraphs):

Hey, listen, I appreciate the message you’re trying to go for, but can you please stop putting autistic people into a box? Can you stop treating being autistic like it’s a tragedy? Not every single autistic person is a little white boy in elementary school who’s considered “wild and unruly” or “super quiet and makes no friends”, nor are they a young white cishet man who’s a super genius or is how Chris Chan was before she came out as trans. (For anyone who doesn’t know about Chris Chan, there are many documentaries people have made on YouTube, and I highly recommend Geno Samuel’s docuseries, if you’re really interested in learning about Chris Chan.)

Autistic women, girls, nonbinary people, BIPOC, APPI, LGBT people, teenagers, and adults all exist too. 

It’s very apparent now that you get your resources from Autism $peaks, a hate group that spends the vast majority of their money on funding eugenics instead of helping autistic people like they claim, claims that only little white boys and young white cishet men are autistic and ignores all other autistic people who don’t fit that description, have no autistic people on their leader board or on any board for that matter, have members who have actually fantasized about k1lling their autistic children, treat autism like it’s a tragedy or a disease someone can catch (completely false), act like autism should be cured (there is no cure, and ABA therapy is a total shit show in itself), and treats autistic people like they’re broken and need to be fixed. Also, not every autistic person is a Super Genius(tm). That’s so demeaning to autistic people who aren’t seen as intelligent in any way. I’m autistic and seen as smart; however, there are subjects I’m stronger in than others.

If you can’t handle the possibility of having autistic children, or just disabled children in general, DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. If you can’t handle working with or alongside disabled people, including autistic people, maybe find a different profession. Even if you do that, you’ll never get away from disabled people. Disabled people aren’t a disease. We’re human beings just like neurotypical and able-bodied people.

Fourth and fifth screenshots (broken up into paragraphs): 

I would highly suggest getting resources from reputable organizations for ASD, such as the Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN). Talk to any autistic person who isn’t a little white boy or a young white cishet man. 

Instead of using the puzzle piece, which is a symbol that many autistic people, myself included, are offended by (because of Autism $peaks and other organizations before them using it, plus it symbolizes that only autistic children exist and that we’re “missing a piece” like we’re broken), use the rainbow infinity sign (for all neurodivergent people) or the red and gold infinity sign (just for autistic people). Instead of “lighting it up blue”, light it up red or gold. Do both if you want. 

I’m actually really sick and tired of seeing just autistic little white boys and young autistic white cishet men being represented in the media, and y’all manage to fuck that up too. 

Before anyone mentions Sia’s movie “Music”, that’s also very poor representation of autistic girls. Besides, the actress who played the autistic girl isn’t even autistic. She MOCKED autistic people. I know she’s a kid, but that’s still super fucked up. I hope she’s able to turn that around. 

If anyone would like to discuss this topic with me or ask any questions, feel free to. I’ll answer as best as I can. Thank you and have a good night.

Before I get attacked for mentioning Chris Chan in my response, I bring up Chris Chan because allistic people think that every autistic person is like her (especially before she came out as trans). That person is part of why I wasn't open about being autistic or talking about my diagnosis until this year. I didn't want to be grouped up with Chris Chan because I do have very similar interests to her, I've been seen as cringey for having said interests, and just the way Chris treated autistic people who were formerly diagnosed with A$p3rg3r$ $yndr0m3 (like I was) really made me feel even more alienated.

Also, S1a supports A$ (Autism $p3aks). She's not a very good person to support. Some of her music is good, but her as a person....no. Her movie "Music" was gross, from what I've read about it and seen pictures of.

If you've read this far, thank you so much!