#I FEEL FINE PHYSICALLY BUT MENTALLY I CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE THIS

[holnnetd]

No rejection under my roof

Tbh, I saw a silly little tiktok and I was like, damn. Me too. So anyway, I'm projecting (it fucking took me ChatGPT to figure out what that word was again) and I truly believe the men are just like that.

So have some silly headcanons:

(I haven't proofread it yet, so sorry for everyone reading this!)

This is only fiction, please remember.

Jonathan Price is... oddly okay with it. You need to work on your career you say? He's sure he could pull some strings. Well, only if you go out with him to that new coffee shop down town. Just to discuss the opportunities of your future. Of course. He's pretty sure he'd look great with a successful lad next to him. He'd show you off, proudly telling that you don't only look godly and make the best spaghetti, but you're also a badass that's hardworking.

Kyle "Gaz" Garrick smiles as you deny him, telling you that it's fine and he understands. Until he shows up to your family home one day, chatting up your relatives like they are old friends? You smile kindly, confused as to why he's here and you just hear your family say what a nice boy he is and that he helped them carry groceries just yesterday. Even helped them cook that dish they'd only eat for special occasions. Really, what a weird coincidence. Oh, and they want you guys to know eachother, you're the same age after all! Maybe date? You'd two get along well, surely...

Simon "Ghost" Riley would stand stumped before you, feeling slightly confused and embarrassed at being rejected, it's not really a rejection, right? Why would you... reject him? He can't go back to the boys after they told him to go for it, after he had to mentally prepare himself. He'd stare at you in silence, believing you just didn't hear him. So with a gruff expression he asks again, "would you want to date me?", just to make sure you hear him right. Saying it slowly. Word for word.

Johnny "Soap" MacTavish is absolutely convinced that "I'm not over my ex" means "help me get over my ex" and he takes it as his personal challenge. Without knowing the reason of said breakup, he will blame the ex, saying that they should have watched out better for such a beautiful lad like yourself! What better way to get over your annoying, bad ex then to send him a pretty, long video of you getting absolutely fucked into next week by a bigger dick then he could have hoped to have? Really, that would crash anyone's ego.

Alejandro Vargas would be pretty persistent. He's a man of passion and I cannot accentuate it enough, he would do so much for anyone he likes. He knows that maybe he's about to destroy a 7 year friendship with you, but he really can't stop himself from physically kissing up your hands, arms, neck.. to pepper your pretty, pretty face with every bit of love. You're precious! Please let him shower you with his love. He might start showing up at your door with a big smile and a flower every day if you don't.

Rodolfo Parra listens carefully as you tell him that you have too much on your plate right now to accept a relationship. Really it's too much. And he just smiles awkwardly, handing you the bouquet, "we can eat together if it's that much. Two heads is more then one" he says and if you're not swooned, you don't deserve him. He is by your side to help you out with any problem you might have. Too much to chew? Well, only metaphorically speaking, give some to him. (Please don't literally, I swear it's just a metaphor) There is nothing he can't handle with a little bit of stubbornness and persuasion.

Valeria Garza wouldn't take it to heart. She understands being in any shape of form tied to the mafia has huge risks and maybe not everyone's preference, but she stays open for you to come back. Talking you that she will always help out if there is a problem. And problems did came surely. Someone framed you for stealing? The cops were being awfully rude, gave you a speeding ticket the next day and then someone broke into your house? Bad luck, huh? You can't stay in your house after being evicted, but you really don't want to risk your family with your very bad luck. So the only way out is to grab the hand and become a mafia bosses spouse. Don't worry, she made sure no one else dared to touch you anymore. No "bad luck" reaches you anymore.

Philip Graves wouldn't take no for an answer. No matter your argument. You have a boyfriend? Doesn't matter, dump him. Philip is better. He has money, a charming smile, even more money, and lawyers that could sweep one dead body under the rug. Maybe 3, if you are as stubborn as he is. But when there is no man in your life? Oh, he's so guilt tripping you with his money into dating. He brought you so many gifts, how can you say no while there is a fresh bouquet of flowers in front of your door with a box of jewellery with his initials somewhere engraved on them? Throw them away and you get a more expensive box the next day.

Farrah Karim. Nah, just why would you reject her, really? Don't. No one would. She's sweet.

Alex Keller doesn't understand what you mean. You see him as family? Good, he's a family man! It sounds to him like you want a family with him, and hell who is he to deny his beautiful girlfriend a family. You want a kid? Sure! You don't want one? You two can settle with a dog for the time being, really. He's an open guy, not really wanting to accept denial. It's not really denial at this point. Family loves eachother! So you two have to do that too. And maybe love eachother in bed. Or out.

Vladimir Makarov wouldn't even ask to be dating. He'd send not so vague threats and straight up demand of you to be his spouse. You were kidnapped and threatened with a gun to your head to marry him. Yeah. That's... How it went. Very romantic. It's either a, you die now or you die later with me. And hopefully not being stupid you'd rather live with a terrorist for a while, not having to worry about working until you two die. Maybe separately, maybe if you stay loyal and nice to him he will hold you while either of you dies. That's the most romance you will get from this power driven man.

Now come the fake ahh characters that I especially love:

"König" (of course) would be devastated to hear that you cannot date someone like him. Why is that? Is it the amount of dead bodies he had touched with his hands?? He will wear gloves whenever touching you, of course! Maybe it's because of the scars on his body? Don't worry, he will get tattoos over them so you don't have to see any! Maybe it's how he looks??? He swears he will shave his arms and legs and cut his hair- No! It's because if his height, right Schatz? He's too tall, of course... Well don't worry your pretty head, he doesn't mind staying on his knees. Actually he's quite fond to stay there, as long as your legs are on his shoulders and he gets to press his lips into your flesh. Poor overthinking puppy.

Kim "Horangi" Hong-jin is looking at you with a raised brow as you tell him you can't stand him. Well then sit down. He drags a chair over to you, forcing you to sit down on it. You will sit, until you can stand him again. And then you will go on a date. Tired of him? Take a nap, it's not that deep. Hell, maybe a good cuddle session in his bed is what you need! He will drag you to his bed, in uniform or not, force you to lay down before plopping on top of you, making sure you're not tired anymore. Tsk, escaping from the tiger? Please.

[qoldenskies]

Okay okay I'll yammer about Rise!Splinter in your ask box because oh my god I cannot STAND people who legitimately villainize him on main. Like, alright, you can call him an emotionally unavailable or even slightly neglectful parent all you want, because even the show itself makes it clear that his parenting style wasn't exactly PERFECT and probably left the boys with at least a SMALL myriad of issues (Raph's parentification and Donnie's constant need for approval come to mind, though I can't say for sure whether those are entirely borne of Splinter's parenting style lmao). But I feel like so many people through trying to villainize his actions deliberately gloss over the fact that he was probably struggling with hardcore PTSD after spending a decade or more basically being forced to fight in a DEATH ARENA, not to mention probably having a good deal of body dysmorphia because he's suddenly been kind of forcefully shoved into a body that he can't even recognize as his own anymore. PTSD is a genuinely crippling condition to struggle with at times. On top of the depression he more than likely had, it'll make you not even want to get out of bed some days, and to struggle with that AND take care of four INFANTS that you've basically suddenly found yourself the sole caretaker of HAD to require a great deal of both mental and physical strength from Splinter. I'm sure he had his hard days, and the show points that out, but he was still trying his damn hardest to be there and be present for these kids, even if he fucked it up at every turn, even if he was far from the BEST parental figure that they could have had.

People can critique his parenting style as they wish (hell, even I do it), but so many depictions of him as an awful parent feel like they're glossing over the legitimate mental issues that he more than likely has, and idk sometimes I just feel like yammering about it on main

yeah like, a parent can seriously fuck you up completely unintentionally and have understandable, sympathetic reasons for it (while still not being in the right! a kid is never in the wrong for being hurt by an adult who failed them! but they're also well within their right to understand and empathize with a complicated parent who loves and changes for them!). generally im sure a lot of people who write abusive parent splinter genuinely had horrendous and abusive parents and are venting, which is why i tend not to be judgemental to people who do. characters are ultimately devices to drive a plot and if they're writing a story where they want to put them through some shit, that's one way to do it. aus are aus and allat

HOWEVER. lord does it frustrate me when people act like his behavior in the show itself is actually like that. i think its really uncharitable and unsympathetic. like if you want to see some of the things he did to them as potentially unforgivable thats fine, because if they're upset with him they dont have to forgive him, but him dealing with crippling ptsd and depression while being someone who goes out of his way to parent and change and grow while handling it just makes it idk nasty to me ,,,,

and also maybe this is just a hot take but esp. when it comes to raph and donnie i think them having more complex feelings about him makes for more compelling angst. its juicier, and i love to read stories that are empathetic towards everyone involved.

i am not a splinter defender but i will still fight splinter haters (not actually. dont fight me i will cry, i dont main tag most things anymore for a reason lmao)

[cookinguptales]

ooooh love that 4 am chronic illness venting

sometimes I think the worst part about having a chronic illness is accepting that, in many ways, it will never be as good as it is now. I can be in awful pain, I can be exhausted, I can be barely functional at work and I still know things are only going to get worse. like. god. if I'm this bad at 34 how the fuck am I going to be when I'm 50?

I couldn't even get through one film festival. my hormones have been acting up since I got back to Philly, probably brought on by all the travel and stress about work, and I spent a solid two weeks with my ribs and hips dislocating and the first three days at the festival were just me being in so much pain that I would go to the restroom and cry between movies.

that's what having a good time apparently looks like these days!

and then my ribs start calming down just in time for a heat wave. 85 degrees. god knows I can't go out in that anymore, because this body can't do fucking anything right. okay, fine, whatever. then my period finally comes a week early, seems about par for the course with whatever the fuck is going on this month, and the endometriosis is so bad that I could barely get out of bed yesterday, much less make it to center city.

so in the end, I have so far made it to 4 of the 10 days of the festival, and I don't have much hope about the last two. I have to come to terms with the fact, now, that maybe I can't even handle film festivals anymore. I can't handle going into the city and sitting in a dark room for a week now???

I feel like I've wasted all this money on something I was really excited about, because I used to really love going to the film festival. but have we devolved to the point where I can't even do this anymore?

like I know that this month is irregular, for several reasons, but I can never depend on a month to be regular anymore! I can't plan a trip three months in advance because I don't even know how I'm going to be three days in advance anymore! do I just give up on making plans in the future? do I give up on looking forward to fucking anything anymore?

and I know that the mood swings are part and parcel of having pmdd (I had ~three~ panic attacks yesterday) but also like. god. at a certain point how can you handle balancing work and trying to have fun while your rib is literally sticking out of your fucking back. you can feel it! when you touch! my back!

and at what point does a mental breakdown become inevitable, dealing with that kind of pain? when you're also dealing with about five different work deadlines and you still want to make art but you have no time for it and when you finally have time, nothing you write is any good.

all that and I'm supposed to have fun, too? I feel like every time I carve out the least little bit of fun for myself this october, the month I am supposed to enjoy the most, I spend the next three days paying for it.

I feel like I just. I'm at the point now where I physically cannot leave the house ten days in a row anymore. I can barely handle three days in a row. I'm not even doing anything. I'm just sitting there, but apparently the act of taking a bus to a building and sitting in that building is too much for me now.

I know I've been kind of irritating to be around for the past few weeks, but I am just exhausted. and today I'm finally clearing the joint pain, I'm finally clearing the nausea and inability to eat (which of course makes me sicker), and I'm just. I'm so fucking tired. I can't even enjoy not being in (as much) pain for a few days.

and of course trying to scrape all this together, I haven't been able to clean the house, so it looks like shit and I feel like shit about that, too.

I don't know. some days when you have an incurable illness that you know is just going to get worse over time it's just. I don't know. it's hard to have any hope at all. I feel like I'm going to die alone in a filthy house because I don't have the energy to be a real person anymore.

like I go visit my parents and I'm always so glad to get home because I love them but I also need my space but there's always that realization that like. oh right, living alone is really fucking hard. some days I can barely even feed myself. I feel so useless.

I know that withdrawing from my friends is probably the opposite of what I should be doing right now, but it's also. I don't know, sometimes I feel almost ashamed to let them see me when I can't even pretend that I have my life together. like usually I can at least pretend that my body isn't weighing me down too much. letting people see me when it's very, very clear that I am hanging on by a thread feels far too vulnerable.

I guess some piece of me feels like if I let people see the awful underbelly of what it's like to actually be disabled, they'll be disgusted with me. like. sometimes disability is just we have to walk a little more slowly at the museum or I can only eat certain foods when we go out or I get way too chatty because I'm exhausted and I lose my filter when I'm exhausted. but sometimes disability is not showering for a week and a living room that's covered in garbage and unpacked suitcases and sitting in your bed and crying for hours. like. there's nothing glamorous about it.

I feel like I have to work so hard and pretend so much to even reach "tolerable" to other people but I'm not even tolerable to myself right now. even on my best days, when I can go out and hang out with people and pretend that I'm okay, I know that I will be going home to a messy house that I will never invite people to because it's embarrassing to admit that I live like that, not because I want to, but because I have to.

but I can't even do that anymore, I can't even go out for a few hours and pretend that I'm normal and well-adjusted and not at all a burden to my friends and my family and my community.

I don't know. I don't know. I'll be okay. I always end up okay. but I feel like having a chronic illness means mourning a thousand different opportunities you had to give up because you were home puking or whatever, and right now I'm mourning a film festival.

or at least the me that could go to film festivals.

[st4rfckerz]

****Ok to the 19 year old virgin with a dildo.*****

I’m 10 years older than you and have been busy in that time. I lost count of my body count, but it’s over 100 for sure so I’ve seen a lot of cock, and most of them aren’t huge. I’ve had all the races and I’ve found that they all have similar sized cocks. Black, white and Latino have like 6-7inches which is fine if he knows how to fuck. I’d say 25% have 8inches and maybe 15% has 9inches. Like 8% are under 6 inches, and I have only come across two 10 inchers out of like 100. I’ve only had sex with one Hawaiian guy and he was tall and built and had a 9 inch. I had sex with a Japanese guy too and he had like a 7 so that whole Asian guys have small dicks thing isn’t true as far as I can tell, but I don’t have a lot of experience with Asians although they’re really attractive. The Hawaiian guy was a mix of Phillipines, Somaoa and pure Hawaiian and his name was Kalani and he had this tattoo on his leg that told the story of his people and it was so hot. His eyes were grey which he said was very unusual and got him beat up when he was little but GOD he was attractive and really great in bed. He made me cum so many times I thought he broke me. Lol. Most guys don’t make you orgasm unless they know how to stimulate your clit and make you feel comfortable and beautiful. If you’re uncomfortable, insecure, or unsure about a guy, you won’t be able to reach an orgasm. Men orgasm every time they finish. It’s more physical than mental for them, while it’s equally mental and physical for women I think.

Side story about the Hawaiian guy just cuz I want to tell it- I met him in Las Vegas at a night club when we were there for my friends bachelorette party weekend. I saw him and said he was hot, and I’m very picky and never really single guys out so it got all my friends attention. I had to pee so I left my purse with my friends, and one of their drunk genius asses goes up to him and tells him he needs to return my purse to me and points me out. Thank god he didn’t just steal my purse with everything in it, but he came up and gave it to me and got me a drink and a rose and he came back to my hotel with me and hung out the whole entire weekend.(he was friends with a bunch of famous UFC fighters but none of us had a clue who any of them were, but a few of my friends got with some of those guys.) He was supposed to go back to Hawaii, but he asked if he could just hang with me a few days, and I told him I lived across the country and he bought a ticket to my hometown and ended up staying a week, and then came back a couple times and I went to Hawaii one time with him, and he didn’t want me to get on the plane but I was an idiot and didn’t say I love you too when he said he loved me. I said thank you and then got on the plane. he never spoke to me again and I was stubborn and didn’t call him after I tried a couple times and gave up.

Back to the cock talk. Length isn’t as important as the thickness unless it’s over 7 inches and hits your cervix. That shit does not feel good. When a guy hits your wall, it’s painful unless you enjoy pain, which some women like to be smacked and have their hair pulled but I’m not one of them. I’ll smack a motherfucker right back!

Porn isn’t a good gauge of what cocks are like cuz those are all extreme sized. I heard that if you’ve given birth, then you can handle bigger cocks, but I’ve never done that so I cannot verify, but I cannot imagine there’s too much of a difference since your body goes back to what it was before birth. There’s a point where they’re just too damn big.

The hottest guy I ever fucked had this enormous penis and it was terrible. I tried several times and different positions, but his dick was like as big around as a soda can and was like 10 inches. You’re trying to get something close in size of your virgin pussy? That’s gonna be tough, if not impossible. Plus what is the dildo made of? If it’s silicone or rubber, then you need some lube. I cannot stress it enough! Lube is so important. If you don’t have enough anti friction lubrication (natural or store bought) sex is not fun, and can even injure you and your partner.

Penetration isn’t really that important in female masterbation. It’s all about clit stimulation and figuring out what really turns you on. Just because you’re wet, doesn’t mean you cummed. That’s just your vagina lubricating itself in preparation for sexual activity when you’re horny or aroused. You absolutely know when you cum. It’s almost like a really strong finally getting to pee feeling, but in a good way and you don’t pee (unless you’re a squirter, but those are pretty rare) squirters are just what they sound like, when they cum they spray pee and their orgasms are more intense. I’ve squirted before and I think it’s so embarrassing but the guy is always so into it. (Even if you get them right in the face, guys are so gross sometimes)

I suggest getting a smaller dildo, and get one with a clit stimulator. Get one that’s got a plug and is rechargable so you don’t burn through a million batteries. They’re more expensive up front, but save you money in the long run.

You don’t wanna loosen yourself up too much anyway. It feels better for you and him if you’re tighter down there. If he goes down on you, and is considerate your first few times, you’ll be able to take dick in no time.

If he won’t go down on you or is not being careful or considerate, and tries to force it in roughly without you telling him to do so, then just get up and leave. You don’t need to get ripped or torn, or get a bruised internal vagina, or not be able to walk the next day comfortably cuz he’s an asshole. Just abandon ship.

Blue balls are supposedly a real thing but most of my guy friends say they are greatly exaggerated to guilt trip women into doing what they want. They don’t actually experience pain. It’s a scam.

there's nothing i can really add because i've only been with a woman but this is like top tier advice

[my-castles-crumbling]

hello hello,

sorry bc this is a bit long and I got a bit carried away

But basically all my life i thought my home life was super great but looking back on it, it was nice but some slightly (only slightly) questionable stuff [I want to clarify that it’s nothing physical but some of it was a little bit fucked up like I have one stand out memory but also I may have made it up bc idk sometimes I’m super sure it happened and sometimes I’m not] went down and now i notice more and more my parents making sexist/homophobic/transphobic jokes and offhand comments and then getting annoyed and yelling at me whenever I try and tell them they’re wrong. I also sort of noticed that they’re a bit too pushy and invasive of my privacy [especially my mother who loves to offload her problems onto me and has since I was pretty small and would just barge into my room at any time and tell me about them and I understand communication is important in families but I don’t think 9 is a good age for your mother to regularly be crying to you about how suicidal she feels but she always acted like it was a good thing so I assumed it was too idk] and it’s like half the time they treat me like I’m way younger than I am [late teen] and the other half of the time it’s like they expect me to be a mature adult and like I just want to be my actual age yk but I can’t and tbh I don’t even know how to go about doing that now bc I feel like I’ve sort of been stifled and the thing is I’m not sure how I should actually be feeling about the whole thing because I don’t think they’re actually really bad people [my parents] and I end up feeling guilty about the fact that I just don’t want to talk to them anymore [especially my mum] and like ik people who have way worse home lives than me and I feel like it’s being a bit selfish to complain bc sure they make problematic jokes but I don’t think they’d necessarily treat me worse if I came out [non-binary and pan] but also I don’t think they’d be that great about it like my brother came out as bi and they were like ok but then one time when he was away they were talking about ‘if he gets a girlfriend’ and I said ‘or a boyfriend bc he’s bi’ and they were like ‘yeah he’s bi but he’s only ever really shown interest in girls so we doubt he’s actually bi but I mean if he got a boyfriend we’d be fine with it’ and I was like on the one hand like it could be worse but it still didn’t sit right with me that they just casually assumed he was lying about it even tho he’d literally come out…

also I sort of don’t even want to come out atp to them I just want to sort of quietly cut ties or distance myself

so I sort of tried to do that [as much as I can yk being still a minor and living at home] but now I’ve got my mum not so subtly idk tryna guilt trip me. Like she’ll say shit about how I used to talk to her and now I never do and like there’s a fucking reason [I now actually have friends who I realised I feel way more comfortable around] but ok

Like a while back she came to my room and tried to do the usual complaining thing about how she’s v depressed and all and I tried to respectfully tell her she needs therapy and she got super upset with me and started crying and stormed out my room and then she came back later and tried again and I told her like as nicely as I could that I can’t handle this bc I am just a kid yk as nice as possible I cannot handle my shit let alone yours like my mental health is not great rn and like I want to be there for the ppl in my life not feeling good but also like she’s been doing this since I was pretty small and there’s literally no way I can really support her except spending more time with her maybe but then that’s bad for my mental health especially bc she’ll do offhand shit that she knows I don’t like [like I have sensory issues bc I’m neurodivergent and having a hand put on my shoulder for some reason I just ugh it’s the worst - and ever since she noticed that I would pull away she’s started doing it more and every time I pull away she makes jokes about how she must have ‘a disease or something’ and just UGH sorry it infuriates me]

so basically [sorry for the suuuper long ask] I’m not sure what the right thing to do is, like do I try and remedy the relationship with my parents [but especially my mum] or do I just sort of keep going like this till I’m at uni or what?

again sorry this is way too long

Hi love! First of all, I wanna give a TW to people reading:

TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts

Okay, I'm gonna take this one section at a time:

But basically all my life i thought my home life was super great but looking back on it, it was nice but some slightly (only slightly) questionable stuff [I want to clarify that it’s nothing physical but some of it was a little bit fucked up like I have one stand out memory but also I may have made it up bc idk sometimes I’m super sure it happened and sometimes I’m not]

Okay chances are you're not making it up. Thinking you're making it up is a super common symptom of guilt trips and gaslighting. If you think it happened...it probably did.

went down and now i notice more and more my parents making sexist/homophobic/transphobic jokes and offhand comments and then getting annoyed and yelling at me whenever I try and tell them they’re wrong.

This is NOT okay of them. They're being disrespectful.

I also sort of noticed that they’re a bit too pushy and invasive of my privacy [especially my mother who loves to offload her problems onto me and has since I was pretty small and would just barge into my room at any time and tell me about them and I understand communication is important in families but I don’t think 9 is a good age for your mother to regularly be crying to you about how suicidal she feels but she always acted like it was a good thing so I assumed it was too idk]

Uhm hi hello hi. NO. No no no. This is NOT okay. Parents do NOT tell their children about their suicidal feelings. Absolutely not. This is a classic example of parentification. You, even as a teenager, are the CHILD. You are NOT responsible for your parents, and you should not feel any sort of pressure to help with their wellbeing. Nope.

and it’s like half the time they treat me like I’m way younger than I am [late teen] and the other half of the time it’s like they expect me to be a mature adult and like I just want to be my actual age yk but I can’t and tbh I don’t even know how to go about doing that now bc I feel like I’ve sort of been stifled and the thing is I’m not sure how I should actually be feeling about the whole thing

yup. parentification. You've been expected to take on the role of a parent when convenient and act like a child when convenient. this is not okay and you're absolutely right to feel weird and bad and resentful about it.

because I don’t think they’re actually really bad people [my parents]

And here's the thing: that can also be true. A lot of times, parents can both love you/be good people AND unintentionally be hurtful. But in a way, that can be even more difficult because like...how do you explain to someone who thinks they're not being hurtful that they ARE?

and I end up feeling guilty about the fact that I just don’t want to talk to them anymore [especially my mum] and like ik people who have way worse home lives than me and I feel like it’s being a bit selfish to complain bc sure they make problematic jokes but I don’t think they’d necessarily treat me worse if I came out [non-binary and pan] but also I don’t think they’d be that great about it like my brother came out as bi and they were like ok but then one time when he was away they were talking about ‘if he gets a girlfriend’ and I said ‘or a boyfriend bc he’s bi’ and they were like ‘yeah he’s bi but he’s only ever really shown interest in girls so we doubt he’s actually bi but I mean if he got a boyfriend we’d be fine with it’ and I was like on the one hand like it could be worse but it still didn’t sit right with me that they just casually assumed he was lying about it even tho he’d literally come out… also I sort of don’t even want to come out atp to them I just want to sort of quietly cut ties or distance myself so I sort of tried to do that [as much as I can yk being still a minor and living at home] but now I’ve got my mum not so subtly idk tryna guilt trip me. Like she’ll say shit about how I used to talk to her and now I never do and like there’s a fucking reason [I now actually have friends who I realised I feel way more comfortable around] but ok Like a while back she came to my room and tried to do the usual complaining thing about how she’s v depressed and all and I tried to respectfully tell her she needs therapy and she got super upset with me and started crying and stormed out my room and then she came back later and tried again and I told her like as nicely as I could that I can’t handle this bc I am just a kid yk as nice as possible I cannot handle my shit let alone yours like my mental health is not great rn and like I want to be there for the ppl in my life not feeling good but also like she’s been doing this since I was pretty small and there’s literally no way I can really support her except spending more time with her maybe but then that’s bad for my mental health especially bc she’ll do offhand shit that she knows I don’t like [like I have sensory issues bc I’m neurodivergent and having a hand put on my shoulder for some reason I just ugh it’s the worst - and ever since she noticed that I would pull away she’s started doing it more and every time I pull away she makes jokes about how she must have ‘a disease or something’ and just UGH sorry it infuriates me]

This is what I'm saying: it's super difficult to convince someone they're being hurtful when they truly think they aren't. Trust me, my mother is the same way. But you aren't wrong for wanting to distance yourself. Also, don't compare yourself to other people. You have a DIFFERENT home life, not necessarily a better or worse one.

so basically [sorry for the suuuper long ask] I’m not sure what the right thing to do is, like do I try and remedy the relationship with my parents [but especially my mum] or do I just sort of keep going like this till I’m at uni or what? again sorry this is way too long

Don't be sorry! I guess the first thing I'd say is, all of your feelings are valid, and this sounds super difficult. I'm sorry you have to go through it <3. Here's the thing: You are right. There are some things going on in your house that aren't okay. But the reality is, your mom doesn't seem to be willing to hear your opinion about changing them. SO, where do you go from here?

I think the two major things I've had to learn with my (very similar) mother is:

Set boundaries and stick to them. If she's dumping on you and you can't handle it, tell her it's not okay. Keep politely telling her this. There is NOTHING WRONG with doing this, even if she tells you otherwise.

Take what you can get, but don't get your hopes up. Does she want to take you out to lunch? Great. She wants to hang out after school? Awesome. But don't...rely on her to be more than she is.

If you're able to do these two things in a healthy way, this might be your best bet until you turn of age and you're able to reevaluate if you want a long-term relationship or not. But honestly, if you're financially dependent on her, separating from her completely might not be the best idea if you are safe.

The ONLY thing that makes me nervous about this whole situation is your mention of your mom's suicidal thoughts, so I'll leave you with this:

if your mom is scaring you with the way she is talking, call the authorities. You are a minor, and you should NEVER have to deal with that on your own.

No matter what happens, no matter WHAT your mom does, no matter what you do or don't say/do or don't do, your mother's decisions are her own. Nothing she does is your fault.

If you feel comfortable, please DM me! I'm being genuine when I say our moms sound similar, and I would love to talk more <3

P.s. I just want to say that, you are SO smart, as a teenager, to realize that this behavior is not okay. Good for you <3

[vizthedatum]

I have come to realize that I simply cannot cohabitate with some people and that it's fine.

Of course it's fine.

But I do really well managing my own household even if I need help from time to time. Getting help from friends or services when you're disabled is nothing to be ashamed about.

Or even doing small tasks here and there because you don't have the energy to do the bigger ones.

My PMDD cloud has been lifting a lot more, and today… I've been so busy and productive even though I'm bleeding (but it is not that heavy! Maybe because of the T? Maybe because I did exercise today?).

I am still having a hard time eating… specifically solid food. Liquids have been fine (and this has happened before - smoothies, protein shakes, and stuff like that helps).

—

I'm doing a month’s worth of laundry right now and taking breaks. ���🎉🎉

I'm so glad I have more boundaries with my one friend.

I'm so glad that my therapist understands why I need my bathrooms and stuff to be so hygienic - and that I really don't even need to have a reason to not allow someone in my place if they can't respect that. (If my at-home bladder meds get approved, I will have to be even more careful).

And I am SO glad that I don't feel like a failure at cleaning/organizing like I did when I lived with my ex-spouse. They shamed me for a lot. No, I wasn't perfect… but the way they handled a lot of stuff made it almost impossible to collaborate with them.

And I know this is very egotistical of me… but I clean and sterilize better. I just do. (besides they always made me clean up the mouse excrement while we lived in a mouse infestation for over a year while becoming more and more hysterically covid-paranoid to the point of it affecting both of our mental health leading to horrible physical autoimmune effects on me, then screaming at me when I wanted to socialize instead of cleaning the house which was (as I said) hard to do because they couldn't handle the process in which I cleaned - then they made us switch to “all natural” cleaning products which don't even kill viruses and bacteria while we had fucking live rodents running around in the middle of a pandemic - fuck that asshole. And of that's not even covering all the other stuff).

—

I'm decluttering again right now, while doing laundry.

—

The cleaning stuff is always at the back of my mind because I'm auDHD with chronic health issues and VERY ambitious career goals/work. My stuff can get everywhere fast

I will ask or pay for help when I need it.

I WILL do it myself (which I prefer) when I can.

And I'm imposing this rule/boundary for myself: I would rather a partner/lover not help me or live with me unless they explicitly (in verbal and written fom) tell me that they can do it without resentment and without draining themselves. They're allowed to retract consent at any time (again verbally and written), but I need a lot of trust before I share responsibilities like that again with someone.

Someone should want to help me because they can and want to. (or if they're being paid or if it is a fair trade of some sort - I have cleaned my friends’ places before)

And if someone doesn't like the way I clean or live, then we don't have to live together.

—

I know I can do better with speaking up with what I need and also being very mindful/explicit when I'm helping other people (I have been reflecting on how I maybe did too much in a cleaning flow state the other day at a friend’s (I did clean to the point where it was safe for me healthwise - but then went further? But we did talk about it, and I think I know how to approach the situation better).

[rhizomehaunt]

personal

it is so fucking hard to reckon with my own internalized ableism and also grief that i cannot physically do things like be on the ground anymore. in 2020 I was sick but didn't realize the extent of it and was out weekly and organizing with friends and able to participate in direct action multiple times a week and still able to recover and handle my responsibilities, and my body just cannot do that anymore. i walk 20 minutes and have to lay down for the rest of the day and then am out of it physically/mentally for the next few days, not just in a "i'm tired" but "i cannot actually do anything nor manage tasks like making dinner, finishing work, comprehending anything I'm reading, etc". i've been taking advil multiple times a week and sometimes daily in really bad stretches for like a decade just to manage pain (i know it is bad for me and i know it's probably causing problems and also it is that or being bedridden from pain 50-75% of the time). most days i can't read because i just cognitively can't comprehend anything. i am never not in pain or fatigued and even the slightest thing causes PEM. sometimes I can't sleep bc my heart rate is so fast just even laying down bc I had like, a carbohydrate. even as i'm writing this my jaw and neck and shoulders are aching and i have a horrific headache i've been ignoring but they're only at a 5/10 pain level instead of like 8-10/10 so i'm used to it and still trying to finish work bc it's so hard for me to manage my day job I have to work through the weekends to catch up. i genuinely barely leave my home because i just cannot manage anything even with my cane. and i know these things and still i think i should just be able to push past them/push through them, and i cannot and every time i do, i get sicker and stay sicker longer. and i know this logically but emotionally it just feels like an excuse, like half of the time i have to remind myself i am chronically ill and disabled bc my own internalized ableism is like, bitch you are probably fine and just lying to yourself, when like, my heart rate jumps to 150 sometimes just throwing a spring toy for my cat and most of my day is spent sitting or lying down because being upright is too hard. sometimes 15 minutes of a gentle stretching is enough to make me so dizzy I gotta lay down for a few hours. sometimes I have to have my partner sit in the bathroom while I shower to make sure I don't fall over or pass out. I start to black out sometimes just sitting up. it's so hard to reckon with what I can do now because I'm so limited physically and so hard because half the time i am afraid i am just making it up and i should/could just push through. i miss my body and life before being sick i miss what i could do i miss who i was.

[aajjks]

TPOL!JK

“OH MY GOD!!!”

“woah”

yerin is speechless at they all ride to your apartment in busan and once you made it to your front door, well, barely front door because it was hanging off the hinges. your house, your belongings, and everything had been trashed and destroyed. you immediately rush in trying to recover the photo album of you and your mother because it’s the only thing you care about. “she needs the photo album!” realizes jorja as she jumps in the pile with you help find your dear item. you’re in a panic trying to retrieve it because it’s the last physical thing you have of your mother and your father,

yerin walks around to try and find it as well, panicking with you because no one has yet to locate it and your apartment is a mess. you can’t live here, they’ve done too much damage. from the bedroom to the bathroom, the kitchen, and the living room was covered in broken glass, ripped clothes, and tarnished items.

after 20 minutes of searching, you finally find your photo album that was ripped apart. there were some pictures still in it but majority of them were either ripped up or missing. “nonononono!!!” you cry out holding the album close.

your phone then rings in your back pocket and it was jorja who answered it for you and held you close to comfort your hurt state.

“hey, jungkook. no this…this is jorja. we’re okay, we’re a little cut but y/n…that bitch ruined her home and destroyed the photo album of her parents!!”

you then take the phone from jorja to talk to jungkook yourself. you’re sniffing on the phone and listening to jungkook say he was going to kill chaeyoung with his own hands which you never want him to do. you hate when he gets his hands dirty for you especially when the two of you aren’t together anymore.

“j-jungkook, n-no. i’ll press charges, i’ll figure it out just…don’t do that. if you break up with her it’ll only get worse. she acts just fine with you so just play it off until we take her to court”

meanwhile chaeyoung has just pulled up to jungkook’s penthouse and devised a plan so clever, even jungkook will be impressed. she knows jungkook doesn’t want to “talk.” he’s going to break up with her and send her to jail but he doesn’t get to break up with her especially when he found his match.

He scoffs when you advise him to keep being with her, how can he be with her when she hurt you? She’s even more psychotic than him.

“Yn are you insane? She hurt you! AND YOUR FRIENDS TOO- you could’ve died today?!?” He’s angry, and he is frustrated. “no you know what I’ll handle this my way. And the security team must be on their way so don’t worry OK.” and it hurts him to hear you crying like that and he’s not there to comfort you.

“Princess I’m so sorry you had to deal with her.. first my crazy father and now my crazy girlfriend… why do I attract crazy people? I’m so sorry- whenever I’m in your life something really bad happens..” he sighs, rubbing his temples because he’s really stressed.

Why cannot he be with a nice person?

“Okay… now I’m going to go because she’s almost here.” He says- barely stopping his tongue from saying I love you to you.

As soon as he cuts off the call, his door buzzes. He sighs, standing up. She’s in, and the first thing he does is glare at her while he stalks towards her.

“Hmm so… why were you there? Huh?” He begins, eyes set on her like a predator, he’s feeling murderous right now… but then your words ring into his ears.

Jungkook is standing right in front of her. His eyes are cold. He is so pissed off. “ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW, OR WE ARE OVER!” Jungkook screams at her, neck vein popping out.

This behavior from her is nothing new because he’s pretty sure she’s assaulted people before. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY DON’T YOU GET IT? Her and I ARE NOT EVEN TOGETHER ANYMORE!” He grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her.

“You’ve gone COMPLETELY MENTAL AND YOU HAVE EMBARRASSED ME. I KNEW YOU WEREN’T THE PERFECT ONE FOR ME. FUCK YOU.”

[lightningandfireinmybones]

oof okay listen, i felt like in order to best understand the latest chapter I should go back and re-read ch.6 as well. i'm glad i did!

now I was originally going to comment my thots on ch.7 but as you will see it all got derailed so.. this is a love letter to my bad bitch Val Vel.

(i'll be back for Aemond cause bestie that last chapter was a huge one)

i'm adding a read more although since this is an ask idk if it will work <3

Her best friend, her most assertive protector, and she had been unforgivably absent to him for years. Running away from demons that were part of her.

yeah... ouch Val babe! And it's well established that she's not feeling that way only about Grey Ghost, or her brother, or even Aemond. It's her entire family, her complete support network that she feels like she has let down by leaving (in her mind abandoning) and now that she is back (let's not forget the circumstances of her return; under preassure from Daemon and emotional distress over Rhaenyra's health, after a life threatening situation which was half inability to care about herself and half ectively putting herself in danger) she still feels like she cannot "Do the Right thing" to not hurt her loved ones, not be a nuisance, not cause them any more grief.

the other parts of her, the ones she’d let down repeatedly.

and that's the fucking worst! if she were self assured she might have been able- better eqiupped- to handle all that stress and most importantly, find healthier ways to deal with her trauma and guilt. But now her tattered self confidence is just a mean companion. She can be self assured and make decisions for herself but she will be left in the wake of things feeling like she messed up, like she made a stupid choice (she often does). it will only feed her self hatred and fuel her self destructive/ self harming tendencies.

baby Val... ilysm. and i like to remind myself that val isnt just a person who happens to do drugs. Instead, she is struggling with substance abuse. She is experiencing the symptoms of her horrible mental state.

She’s not nearly numb enough, the lure of oblivion strong, but she pushes through. 

The walls are up, she’s unfortunately sober, and she wants to escape. She wants to stop feeling like an unwanted failure.

also there's something so interesting about the way she interacts with Dalton. i think i love it because there are no expectations there from either side. she can just call him, give no explanation, not bother with niceties and small talk and just "order" him to service her in some way and he does. i think her relationship with him is in its own way the most freeing one she has atm? the most open?

there is no emotional baggage, it's clear to them both what it is, and let's not act surprised, he is also enabling her in her Sad Slay Era. the open acess to drugs, to sex, to that exact type of physical only affection that is enough to drown out everything else while simultaneously look nothing like the deeper, emotional bond and (im never beating the romantic accusations) love they shared with Aemond.

Dalton is cool, a fine mist, a spring day with a bit of heat. He is easy, a Sunday morning in, all easy confidence and cocky smiles.

Dalton is uncomplicated and looks, acts, talks, exists completely unlike Aemond. ofc she's calling him up.

[...] Each brush of his tongue, each nip of his teeth is pleasant, but not exhilarating.

bet. i love how every thing she does to dalton is somehow mirrored in a reverse order in her memories. like she does to him what was done to her. as a way to return to those moments safely while not being in the physical position to be reminded of aemond? since they were opposites maybe the way to distance herself from what she felt with him is to act like him? idk idk... there's sth too important hapenning here and im too dumb to put it into words but bestie you slayed!

The flashbacks Val has are devastating and i hate you for them!

“You don’t give me orders,” Aemond growls, slamming her back into the wall. “I am in control here, Valaena. Never forget that.”

which is ofc followed by a "show of dominance" from Val. baby girl... intrusive thoughts are H A R D to deal with.

Maybe Im talking out of my ass but!

in her past Aemond had been controlling and assertive and dominant and whichever other synonym we can use BUT it was in a way that she explicitly enjoyed. It was a known, well established thing between them and was safe for her to explore with him.

I feel like once you drop the chapter where we see precicely what happened between them it will all make sense and just click together so nicely.

because im getting the vibes (i may be way off here) that the issue was that due to their shared trauma and childhood together, and since they clearly loved each other, as well as being each other's first AND a family member on top of that AND a safe haven from everything going on in their lives AND SINCE Val was well aware of Aemond's struggles what with his father and whatnot, she -at some point- / -probably due to aemond pushing too hard- started feeling a tad unsafe by this. or even better, insecure.

let's go with Insecure actually. because i feel like at some point the balance they had established, how they were equals in their relationship kinda shifted in a way? maybe she felt like her choice was being taken away ? (especially if aemond does end up pushing about free sex and tries to explore his breeding kink). Poor Val is scared of pregnancies and also they are extremely young!

so perhaps she made herself feel guilty for not being able to cater to precicely every need aemond had, especially when it felt good to do so, when it was pleasurable for her and worked as a bonding thing for them. that and the fact that it probably was legitimately sth that she did not fully vibe with at her age, it made her feel guilty and bad for not being able to set that boundary since to an extent it probably felt like a betrayal to Aemond??

and to actually leave him? go away for years? while knowing that she loves him and wants to be with him except for something that we dont yet know having happened between them. it was an extreme choice maybe? we have yet to find out. But whatever it may be it was definitely a hard decision and definitely cost her a lot but seemed as the best choice at the time.

but now she has to deal with the hurt and damage that choice left her with and bestie she's not doing okay!

“I think I like this assertive side of you,”

and val immediately thinks of her "sin" against aemond. how in the past this assertiveness has backfired and was used by her to betray and hurt him and in her words "fuck him over"

Baby you are unwell! it's okay. take deep breaths!

[...] like no more than an errant task to check off his to-do list. He said he’d always want her, but who would want her, the way she was?  Always telling her what she wanted to hear.

yes yes.. I'm a burden. I'm a bad person. Nobody loves me. They are only lying to placate me.

OOOOOFFFFFF. hard to return from that imma tell you that much

“Is this what you want, Valaena? You want me to control everything, down to the air you’re breathing?” Aemond whispers, searching her face. “Yes,” she chokes out, the word hanging in the air between them like a curse or a vow.

no i am normal about this. my felling are quite "meh" about those lines i dont understand what you're talking about. coudn't care less if i tried honestly.

curse or vow. Quite the choice of words. Quite the contradicting meanings. it's almost like someone who say it both ways and felt strongly about both those words would have a bad time trying to rationalise it in their mind and deal with the emotional side of it.

(I HATE YOU BESTIE WHY MUST YOU BE AN AUTHOR WHO USES WORDS THAT MAKE ME F E E L T H I N G S!!!)

[...] he’d no doubt leave her after realizing she wasn’t coming back. 

Hm... are thoughts of abandonment something you deal with regularly miss?

also aemond looked hot on the stairs.. no smartsy comment. just that he looked hot. thank you for your service ma'am

Shame, a different kind than had diffused her this morning, warms her cheeks. Criston had called ahead while she’d been waiting in the car. Now her brother could be disappointed in her too. 

i am mentally well. i am again normal about this.

[...] You’re a fucking disaster, Valaena.” “You think I don’t know that?” She says indignantly. 

“You think I don’t know that?”

Dread surges through her. She can imagine it: her mother’s contrived tears, Daemon’s white knuckled grip, the disappointment on both of their faces. She can see a news headline, something about the party princess, another round of infamy for their family.

“Don’t tell them.” [...] The humiliation she brings on herself never stops. 

she needs help yes. when you're feeling this badly about yourself that you see yourself as a disaster, a sidappointment, someone who only hurts, harms, lets down, puts in danger their loved ones, when you feel like it cannot possibly get any better it can't stop (and usually one feels that way about themselves way before anyone else notices) hearing someone out of concern say it aloud, put it into words, call you out on it feels only as a confirmation of what you already knew.

yes dread, yes humiliation. now that they see her as she truly is surely they will hate her as much as she hates herself and since she is solely a burden they will let her go.

Val my most beloved! <3 <3 <3

A sunny smile on her face, Valaena ends the Facetime, throws her phone on the counter, and proceeds with her skincare routine, finally satisfied.

Finally satisfied, after taking back control. ilhsm! perfect way to end this chapter bestie, truly as always a work of art!!

bestie this is such a thorough analysis i honestly cannot being to express my gratitude that you spent this kind of time on my brain rot bc you are SHOWING OFF THAT GRAD SCHOOL MIND, thesis level work thank u

this chapter was really supposed to send valaena to rock bottom and have a series of painful realizations,,, can't fix what you don't want to admit is broken:')

and yes dalton and valaena are written that way because dalton is both enabler and symptom relief, a little bit of a stress ball where valaena can work out her feelings with no expectations

and BESTIE i cannot wait for you to read the chapters of their last interactions, i have to know your thoughts on it when we get there lmaooo

and thank you bestie, i'll be honest, the curse or vow line was one i was v proud of so i'm glad it landed right lmfao, i like this idea of the heaven/hell, only two absolutes possible for aemond and valaena, and curse (a haunting, a loss, a feeling of fear) or vow (a promise, a light, a reason to be) is what they could be to each other, in every situation

this chapter was brought to you by the soul-crushing song "the archer" by taylor swift, where we get to explore terrifying self-hatred and doubt, applied liberally to our girl valaena

valaena is not easy to satisfy, double entendre intended, so i wanted to give her at least one win this chapter lmfao

but pls thank you for this!!! these anaylsis and long comments are honestly so meaningful and motivations, they make me feel like a real author:')v v grateful, thank you bestie

SALIVATING for your thoughts on the aemond chapter omg i could read your analysis on anything

[allw3doisadvert1se]

There’s a sharp, biting sort of sensation under my chest. A suffocating grip that’s thrown my mental state into complete hell since I turned 18 earlier this year.

For the longest time in my life, I believed I was aroace, which I eventually learned was only half true. I was asexual, and I do actually need a romantic relationship. Figuring that out was mostly because of a wave of loneliness I had experienced at the time that humbled me, showed me how much I had actually been denying myself human connection. After I made this discovery about myself, I figured I might as well be patient with getting a partner. For a time, this mindset worked fine enough for me. But … then things just kept getting worse after a bit of a pause (maybe over a few month timespan).

This leads me to where I am today … The things I’ve commissioned have more and more frequently been about acts of physical affection or gentle intimacy, and I thought it would satisfy me, but it only made my loneliness worse. Because, as much as I love the art I’ve gotten, it’s just simply not real … It’s not me. I remain alone, stuck lying to myself that things will be okay. As … pathetic as it feels to admit, I’ve also more and more frequently begun hugging my pillow when I do eventually go to sleep, often around 2 AM on most nights.

My problems are amplified by where I live. Seattle is a lonely, gray, depressing city. The mental toll of winter has already played its part on making my mood horrible. There’s no sunlight through the clouds, nor the comfort of people around me. Everyone keeps to themselves, me included. In some ways, as an introvert, I can appreciate that. But I’ve been stretched beyond my breaking point by it I think …

I don’t like crying for attention, I don’t like being a problem to people, but I physically cannot handle the strain both mentally and physically loneliness has put on me. I have become more lethargic, I hardly eat anymore, and paradoxically I’ve been closing myself off more from my friends, as if that’ll make me feel less alone … Fucking idiot …

I don’t know why I felt the need to make this a post here, I think I just … don’t know where to go. I need these emotions out, even if no one will see it.

I’m sorry if I managed to upset anyone with this … somehow. I just don’t want to hurt from this anymore. I’m done

[itsyagender]

Personal, feel free to do a scrolly scroll

It's a real trip to be looking up skateparks and in the very next minute be looking for walking aides because especially if I'm flaring, the stairs are way too hard. I made the decision that like fuck it, I cannot be off my board anymore, I've had several meltdowns over it.

Not just regular meltdowns either we are talking the last time I was that upset someone died.

So yea my decision is: there's no chance of me having a 0 pain day, I can't be waiting for that to be skating or it just won't happen, at least not until I have proper treatment.

I had a real think as to WHY I was so upset as well and thinking back I wasn't "allowed" to skate so a friend let me borrow their setup when we would hang out. I was 10. I have been skateboarding on and off since I was 10, I'm over 30 now.

Just like I can't be without games, I can't be without my board without taking a fucking massive mental hit. Physical hits if I make an oopsy or don't have my feet set properly -- fine, I can handle that, I know how to fall.

I know it sounds fkn corny but it's in my blood now. I can't describe just how quickly I started to feel like myself again once I was warmed up and rolling.

I haven't felt like a person in a long time bc of my chronic pain. Yea, I paid the price that day but I've bounced back already from that even with having been under general the next day.

I didn't know when they said sk8 or die they meant on the inside.

[hollowporcelain]

okay i genuinely cant ge this out of my mind so pissed off rant under thr cut

so at therapy last friday at some point the lady (whom i wont name) asked us to describe what an "average day" for us looked like. we tried, but struggled to articukate it correctlg and it came out way more positive than our average really is. which is fine i guess, we're bad at articulating our thoughts anyway.

but you know the fucking shit she said in reply?

"well to me that actually sounds like a pretty good day,"

LIKE?? who the FUCK are you, someone that probably does NOT have several chronic conditions that disable them quite a lot, let alone since childhood and likely into adulthood, to tell me that our (poorly articulated) "average" is "actually pretty good". you have no fucking idea what our life is like witn these stupid fucking illnesses you have no idea what our days really feel like, how fucking dare you have the audacity to rewrite what we said to be a better reality. just a simple "alright" or "mhm" and moving onto a new question wouldve been fine!

We already didnt like her from the start, we'd much rather go back to the lady we had the assessments with, we liked her a lot more. i hate this stupid fuvking situation we dknt even want to be in therapy anyway, theyve said over all 3 appointments so far that they dont know what to do or where to start.

we're too overwhelmed by trying to get our PoTS investigation sorted (which will now require frequent 2hr+ trips there for appointments, and another 2hr+ to get back home,) to be able to handle it.

we physically and mentally cannot handle all of this at once. but whenever we try to confront our mother about it she gets all pissy and says we dont have a choice, we've waited 2 yrs for therapy and we dont get a choice.

i wish we never even existed so we didnt have to go through this in the first place. we were an accident anyway and we've only proven to be a burden. i just wish it could all go away. why cant we be like normal teens our age? why do we have to be so fucking horridly ill and usually house-bound that we've become this fucking pathetic, this much of a shitty liability and burden? i hate it. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it

[atorchzagreusandtris]

"Why do you act so weird?" I have a brain-altering disorder caused by the severe trauma and abuse I went through as a child. PTSD is a disorder that involves unavoidable and uncontrollable flashbacks, avoidance of trauma reminders, sleeplessness or hypersomnia, depression, and so much more, but then you add the "complex" part of C-PTSD onto that and your symptoms get that much worse. Difficulty trusting others even if they're close to you, difficulty regulating your emotions (which is part of what makes it similar to BPD - which is a disorder you can usually only get if you grew up in an abusive home), HEIGHTENED emotional responses (such as impulsivity or in my case, aggressiveness), hypervigilance, frequent negative thoughts and emotions, feeling guilt or shame, lack of identity/sense of self, and persistent difficulties in sustaining relationships. I have a lot of these symptoms even if people don't necessarily see it, I don't have anyone who I entirely let my guard down around. Not even my mother. I can get pretty close to unmasking around others, but I never fully unmask. Even if it's just myself, I can't unmask. My brain will not LET me, if I try, it shuts out all emotions and I just become apathetic. C-PTSD causes PERMANENT brain alteration in both your brain chemicals and brain structure, especially in the amygdala (the part of your brain that processes fear and other emotions), hippocampus (the part of your brain that's largely responsible for learning and memory), and the prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain that's involved in executive functions, such as planning, decision-making, personality expression and controlling social behavior). And some studies have shown brain changes CAN be more severe with those who have C-PTSD than those with regular PTSD. Then you add genetics into the mix, I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) which I could have very well inherited from my mom. People with certain genetic backgrounds can be more likely to get PTSD after a traumatic event. C-PTSD specifically stems from longterm abuse/trauma.

"But I was abused and I act normal" Years of repression + years of burying your emotions doesn't mean you're acting "normal", it just means you're masking and/or your brain physically detached itself emotionally from the events to help you cope in the same way it tends to do to mine. Also, I thought that too until I got diagnosed with C-PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder when I was almost 10 years old. Just because you don't talk to a therapist or take psych meds/aren't in a psych ward doesn't mean they are less mentally stable than you are. You cannot compare trauma, you cannot compare how I will handle a traumatic situation to how you will because we are two entirely different people and as such will have different reactions. What may be fine to me may be overwhelming to you and vise versa.

Stuff like this is exactly why I'm going for a psych major. I'm still LEARNING about a disorder I have and struggle with near daily, fuck even about my god damn self. I only just a few days ago realized I had avoidant attachment and it wasn't just "introversion". I'm 22 and I still have a shit ton of identity issues because who I am is so fucking complex and idk who the hell I am beyond my interests???

[frostbite-the-bat]

.

i still cant believe its been basically over a year since the start of my last year at my high school - like i am free from that now.

the first month or SO was pretty breezy - before things get harder and things are still getting started. but still, less breezy than the other years of course, as we already had some dumbass typical-for-my-school bullshit thrown at us.

i was terrified of my finals that were coming later next year, but i was still carrying through. i also began realizing i am basically in pain daily - NOT just my hands. but couldn't pinpoint the cause but i knew that practice where we do laborous physical shit was going to be a nightmare. (it was)

after covid and bad untreated carpal tunnel shit it was a nightmare to go through note-heavy classes too. not being able to pause for even a second or you miss out on important notes, getting weird looks from your teacher. literally gasping for air as your hands cannot handle the sharp pain from having to write this fast. and you're still 'slacking behind'.

that got better and then worse in some days. but. sure. can deal with that. have been dealing with that since.

but at time went on and on i became more and more miserable, more scared of my future. this school was hurting me more and more, being constantly neglected by my teacher. me especially. the others being better at what they did, so they got some special treatment. more time at the more laborous work for me!! it was a painful fucking nightmare both physically and mentally

i dreaded going there everyday. everyday i wanted to drop out - i wanted to get out of that god damn hell school. as things got worse so did my thoughts... and yet i made it! i managed to get through. i did it.

at this time last year i would've been already going through so much shit. and yet i'm here. like. i've actually done it. i lived. did i deserve that?? did anyone deserve that treatment we got there?? absolutely fucking not.

in all fucking seriousness i couldnt be happier right now doing nothing, even if it does get to my brain sometimes. even if i know i wont get good treatment in the future, possibly. but even then there's still a future for me. even if still under my parents - if i do get a job i can just quit i will not be tied to a shitty teacher and possible legal trouble if i dont attend. this teacher who also likes getting too personal and nice and then whips out some of the most cruel most insulting shit you could imagine. i hope shes fucking happy quitting the job after essentially abusing me and my classmates. i hope shes happy doing her own thing after screaming and yelling at me and telling me to cry harder when i did a simple mistake. i hope she's fucking proud of herself for this. i hope she knows how miserable we all were during her classes, or rather, the lack of them, as she never taught us anything and made us do her own personal event shit for her. i hope she knows i dont ever plan on doing anything in my life thats like what i studied at this school and graduated from basically because im so scarred by it.

seriously. how was any of this legal. it cant be. i feel so sorry for any future students, but also happy, since they wont have to deal with HER anymore.

i do not, honest to god, plan on going back to any school anytime soon, and i'm just fine staying unemployed for now even if just.. completely under my parents. i cant do shit anyway. but god im happy to just.

rest finally after all that. nobody deserves that. looking back and not living through it anymore makes me realize how fucked up it was. its so surreal. im not dealing with that anymore.

but god is it going to haunt me for a long time.

[multi-dudes]

just putting the pieces of this article down that are stuck in my head. I'm not in a crisis but I am having a nice gradual little spiral about it. sorry friends. don't read if it doesn't matter to you it's all okay it's for me to remember later and I don't care if it's public

✅ "rational, present-oriented, and grounded parts of the individual that handle daily life" (rationality may vary but again. how many of me exist. and will I ever even know the answer to that question)

✅ "The jobs of the ANP include social interaction and attachment, taking care of others, work, play, exploration, learning, and taking care of physical needs." (add barely and maladaptively to all of those. unless that's implied. but otherwise yeah)

✅ "they are often highly phobic of and avoidant towards reminders of their trauma or further stress that could activate EP" (very common thing "I" do)

✅ amnesia as an avoidant behavior (at least in the last few traumatic events I have experienced that I can recall. I cannot remember specific parts like faces especially and might forget they happened)

✅ physical anesthesia as an avoidant behavior (every day my chronic pain turns off if I have no way out of the situation. like going to work. turns on as soon as I get home. if I am stressed I feel no physical pain)

✅ emotional numbing/anesthesia

✅ "Particularly desperate ANP might engage in self harm or use psychogenic substances in attempts to forcefully tether themselves to the present and prevent EP from intruding" (I feel sick right now reading this one 🙃)

✅ "[will likely] struggle to form meaningful relationships with others and will have a poor grasp of their own physical and emotional needs"

✅ "the ANP has a need to appear high functioning and may find it easier to avoid all potentially triggering situations and actions"

✅✅✅ "... including those relating to attaching to and trusting others, and throw themselves into work or other non-reflective activities." (GAGGING. AM I THE SOCIAL BPD SYMPTOMS I CANNOT GET OVER, BASICALLY???)

in secondary dissociation:

✅ "the ANP is the main part of the personality and more closely represents the personality that existed before the trauma or stress* triggered structural dissociation of the personality" (I cannot separate me from the bodys identity and life as mine alone, but I also feel defined by intense expectations another part of me that also aligns with the body doesn't. I feel like I am stuck like a little girl but I am not a child mentally)

✅ "struggle with feelings of chronic emptiness, loneliness, and boredom and with identity confusion and a need for others to help them know who to be" (only when I feel most "present", which is most of the time. otherwise seems like another part of me is just fucking fine 🫠)

I don't think I have more than one anp at the moment but it's like. just way too early to know that. and I wouldn't know it. that's the scary part. I don't even know all the alters I could potentially have because I am fending them off without even trying and feeling it physically..

and the fact this makes me feel so so so horrible doesn't help the case at all. good god I'm going to go eat dinner now

I am losing the I am normal competition and that makes me feel like shit because my job is to be what I think is normal. and not be normal and forever feel bad about it. cool. cool! so cool! /s

damn just read about what an anp is in depth. and it makes too much sense. idk if I can do this shit rn

[crunchity-munchity]

👁👄👁 I went to bed yesterday with the impression that ot would be a new and better day but no u guess not

You ever have where you get kinda bad news and you don't think much of it untill a little later, yeah, let's just say its a little hard to focus on class work rn