#I DRAW SO MUCH THIS WEEK IM SCARED
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Guess who starts flirting with eachother when it's supposed to be friends outing
#i miss them#they're making me sick#hanipre please comeback i need them to interact...#aiyuu started flirting and mona wanted to expose them to the world#guess who is my fav to draw based on the level of detail#i think i popped off with the colour i love it sm#someya yuujirou#shibasaki aizou#minami#just minami right???#narumi mona#honeyworks#aiyuu#confession executive committee#I DRAW SO MUCH THIS WEEK IM SCARED#yujiro dressed like me it's kinda uncanny#lipxlip
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#fate extra#nero claudius#hakuno kishinami#hakunero#fate#type moon#my art#fanwork#2023#im on week 6 now and scared of the heartbreak that will probably await me...#i was listening to all the things she said pretty much the whole time i was drawing this and it hit so hard#its been a while since i couldnt stop myself from putting a drawing down...
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I am incredibly proud of this cover I made for a project so you guys have to look at it :3
#my art#marx kirby#marx kirby fanart#kirby#my ocs#this took me like two weeks because procrastination and as much as I love making art I am the most slowest person known to man#DO NOT GIVE MY ASS A DEADLINE I WILL NOT MAKE IT!!!!!#boo mario#dry bones#waddle dee#waddle doo#Jigglypuff#Sobble#Im so lucky my science teacher lets me mostly work at my own pace#I spend years thinking about poses and looking for references to use and then picking out the right colors#I am so incredibly proud of this :3#I would have drawn Taranza and Magolor but I got too scared because I am cringe but I am not free 🥀🥀🥀🥀#also I couldn’t find out how I wanted to draw them in the amount of time I gave myself :p#hence why five of my ocs are there instead#but their symbols are still there (magolors gears and a spider web for Taranza)#also I lost my good black color pencil which was so smooth on the paper 💔
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"Curse ya~"
ITS MY BIRTHDAY GUYS !!!! WAOAOOWW !!
went out with some friends ~ about to go out tomorrow as well, pretty exciting !!
I drew sasara because we share the same birth month ! ,,,barely. We're both on the curb of barely even hitting/exiting october. Im on the 1st ! Hes on the 31st ! Pretty fun !! this was fun to draw, not quite a sketch but not quite a finished piece. A thing. If you will
Heres a clear picture of it !!
#His head looks a little big but i think its the angle i took a picture at but idgaf anymore guys#I had to go to my brothers room and use his leds for that first pick surprise surprise the light was set to GREEN and csme out yellow#Looks cool though#Having a good dinner for today ~ might post it later if it looks good enough#Pork chashu#Incase i dont post it know its pork chashu#Very excited#My friend was laughing at the fact i made birthday art for myself#It was fun !! Dont diss !!!#I didnt take the boba picture btw#My camera quality isnt that good..#So much to do this week... So many assignments and so many hang outs#If i dont make it by the end of this week host a funeral and bury me with a samatoki body pillow#JOKE but also my mom has a history of buying me body pillows for my birthday.... i never ask for them#And she does it anyway#Its really funny actually but im so scared what if she does it again this year#Wish me luck soldiers#Might draw nrc staff later i lovr them#BYYEE !!!#hypmic#hypnosis mic#hypnosis microphone#sasara nurude#Noctiart#Noctifan#These tags are crazy so#Luca talks#OK BYE
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lil life update
birthday baking (shitty photo)
i decided i didnt want a cake this year so i did all this!! while slowly losing my mind on a saturday.
me and my mom did the decorations!!
i have to thank my girlfriend, my friend Sam, and my Penjamin for keeping me sane through this tough yet joyous time
#life update#baking#indigo speaks#pictures#tiramisu#cake pops#pumpkin pie#indigo’s snapshots#birthday#augh idk if i have much to add#im lowk tired and stressed!#working 4 days a week this week!!! maybe five if my coworker needs me to also cover her tuesday shift#i can only wake up at 6 am for so many days before losing my mind#at least i leave early tmrw and tuesday tho#augh#i need another hit of the penjamin#i miss my friends i miss drawing i miss a lot but AUGH augh we ball.#at least i got my septum and hoohaa pierced as a reward for turning 19#dont tell anyone about that second part#im swagmaxxing#my friends keep encouraging me to talk to my piercer about an apprenticeship (been thinking hard on it lately) and i wanna SO baf#BUT IM SCARED YK#OF REJECTION#WHAT IF SHE SAYS NO#then thats my only shot in my mind kms#smh ok#penjamin hit#time to go back outside to the family
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Sunday doodles
#you ever just *puts feet on the wall*#or sit upside down off the side of your bed#i saw a post earlier this week I've been trying to find about fearing god#i read it but didn't have time to share my thoughts and i forgot to save it to my drafts so i lost it#anyway they talked about fearing god in service today#the overlap of related events like this scares me all the time#like... i know this stuff just happens and they had this sermon planned for months and it's coincidental#''but what if god is actually real and this is him trying to talk to me? what if he's trying to move me back on track?''#that's something i can't help but think#i'm starting to think I'll never know what is real and whether there's a god and if i really am setting myself up to burn in hell#i have to make a choice whether to leave my friends and hide who I am and go back to the church#or be myself and enjoy my time alive knowing what could be waiting for me when I go#I know that sounds extremely dramatic but it's something I think about a lot#it's one thing for someone to have never gotten to known God#but some say that the one unforgivable sin - the only thing that can keep you out of heaven forever...#...is knowing god and accepting him in your heart but then turning your back on him#I've done those rituals; been baptized and taken communion and said the famous prayer#if that unforgivable sin is true then I guess i've already made my choice; there really is no going back for me haha#damn right that god is scary lol#not tagging the game because I monolouged too much lmao#doodles#sunday doodles#depressing sunday doodle posts have arrived once again#dw im chilling today just lost in thought#was able to put in pto so i get the day to reflect on the very important things 21 year olds think about#things like ''what could've been'' and ''how do i want to draw my next fluffy boy''
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...
#aye. in another life i would have loved to be an illustrator#i dont like to do digital tho and i dont wanna b a starving artist and i like science too much#but it would make me so hsppy if i was allowed to draw all day everyday#forever and ever drawing#but nooo i wanted to get a phd in microbial evolution. and im procrastinating working on my preproposal#literally doing anything to not work on it. i coulf have been a illustrator. an endocrinologist. a neurobiologist. a paleontologist. but i#chose microbial ecologist then thought no fuck ecology and went for photosynthetic mechanisms#bc i do love my lil cyanos and i do love Microbiology. i love those underapprecated lil guys#the world is so big and beautiful and all i wanna do is understand. but my stupid brain doesnt work right and ive burried my wonder for so#long i wonder if ill ever have it back. i was reading a bunch of lil notes i wrote this semester and i go from#everything is so beautiful i cant stand it. there are angels in the sunbeams and they feel like healing. to im the world around me is#warping beyond my control. i cant feel any joy. my head is sending me terrible ideas but im not even scared. it feels inevitable#but last week i was so full of energy i couldnt sleep. nothing changed but the chemicals in my head#hopefully next semester will b better and i can stop feeling like damaged goods and feel bad fro my advisor#for having to deal with me. hes v nice and has a bip0lar brother so he's sympathetic but i wish he didn't have to b#i want to stop fantasizing about being something else and just focus on being better at what i am#but im such a pathological perfectionist that its so difficult to make any progress. but whatever ive been feeling alright for the#past week or so. hopefully that carries through. and maybe somedsy i can illustrate something for my precious baby cyanobacteria#unrelated
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ermmm..? whiteboard doodles but I finally drew Halbarry in awhile!!!! (drew this just now....shoutout?)
thinking about them guys... i missed halbarry so much im so glad they're actually married whattt (spreading misinformation online)
#halbarry#ermmm user flashdoesahundredyarddash is back at it again with the halbarry art!#its been ages!#so sorry.... lacked a bit while im on...here is some art for you guys since I never had the chance to do the HalBarry week prompts...#speedster ramble#yessss... hal is wearing dog tags and a hearing aid#i also gave him the arrow scar and a bunch of others like barry with his top surgery scared + lightning scars...#im so normal about that#i fear they are dragging me back into the depths of the unknown...#also barrys outfit is sooo silly he is just like me#i didnt know how to draw much...so there's no background??#guys please talk to me about halbarry pls...#barry allen#hal jordan#ermm#my art#you can tell who i focused on more...#HELP#nobody can take them for me im fighting for this throne.../j....#dont mind if its sloppy because.......it was made on whiteboard and it's like 2 am for me currently#dc comics#lowkey...
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I NEEED to go back to making art that makes it ABUNDANTLY clear that theres something wrong with my brain BUT NOT in a cool or stylishly interesting way. i need to do it in a way that makes people say "hm." and walk away
#sowwy ive been kinda going through it in my fine arts major rn can u tell HJKSDHKFd#ive been feeling like. scared. and paralyzed by marketability and branding.#i cant stop thinking about how other people will see my art. but not like in a good way#when i was younger i thought about it in a good way. like hee hee hoo hoo the act of looking connected us hee hee#but rn i keep thinking about it in like this wretched like consumer product mindset? ouhhghhhhh el problema es el capitalismo#and like maybe this works for some people. to think like this. to make art like this. its what my professors push me towards#not intentionally. they dont say it out loud at least. im not sure if they know or not some of the irony#my professors are nice and pretty smart and talented and i like em. but sometimes i wonder like. the push for us as students to make like#marketable 'avant garde'? stuff thats safe but pretending to be weird and out there#i dont mean to sound pretentious. in general i play it too safe myself (spent too much time as an edgy 10 year old with my#parents freaking out over my shoulder because they think the fact that i drew an anime character frowning means something serious LOL)#but i dunno man. my least interesting art with the least amount of care thought or effort always gets so much more attention in school#nowhere else oddly. online? people like my more passionate but seemingly frivolous art (oc art etc. not frivolous to me but yknow how it is#same with irl artists and other industry people outside my school. whats going on in my school LOL#i know from experience i cant push myself into a supposedly marketable brand. if i try to make something sell it will not.#i dont know why. maybe theres an invisible essence buyers can tell when i didnt care jkfsldjdfrds#but my teachers LOOOOVE the stuff i put no passion in its so bizarre orz but i gotta relearn how to ignore half of their advice#i used to be better at it. but i also only used to ignore like a quarter of their advice. maybe i need to amp up how much im ignoring#that sounds mean. they have plenty of good advice. but also plenty of advice thats clouded by their own biases#and i gotta relearn how to sort out this stuff again. i forget every few months for some reason#you know i always think ouuhhhhh i act so neurotypical ouhhhhhhhhh im outgoing i talk to strangers all the time i seem confident#im so masked IM SO MASKED but then i go a couple weeks where every conversation i have has people looking at me like#i have two heads and neither of them are speaking their language. and then i descend into madness like this HJKLDSHJDS#i'll be fine i'll figure it out. i need to stop trying to get a good grade in being a 'cutting edge' conventional artist <3#i need to just. draw my cartoon characters in peace 😔😔😔
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#U Have No Idea How Much I Miss Her.#i need to start actually drawinf again its been a hellish 6 months#its really easy to just fall out of the habit of it#i used to obsess over never being someone who just suddenly stopped drawing for weeks/months#it scared me. like a core part of my identity would have to change for that to happen or would be changed by that happening#and then once i didn't draw and wasn't drawing i felt like i needed something to violently change about myself to get me to start doing it#again. but i didn't need that i just drew something again and that was it. like that stretch of time didn't happen#drawing is just an activity you can choose to do or not do and there are no consequences for whatever decision you chose to take but it felt#so serious to me it is like i viewed it like death#which i was right about in a way but mostly in how death is just a thing that happens and that it wont be that sudden and insane#you will just be and then not be just like how you weren't and now are. its just like me drawing or not drawing lol#but that comic of ht papyrus by jnpie where he's looking at the puzzles he used to make and wondering if he'll ever do that again. or if he#wants to. its like that feeling. it always sticks in my mind#i have like a fear of thinking about when i will no longer care about something i care about now and its so weird when. realize i stopped#wanting to do something and caring about it and. i feel nothing on account of no longer caring about it lol. but i know that past me#is currently looking forward at me now and terrified. this is unrelated to that comic a lot but its like. thinking about how i will change#words#mine#IM NOT TAGGING THE ART bc i wanna actually finish some of these pieces tbh and like they are just the backdrop for my thoughts...#feels so hashtag tumblr to talk to yourself about some vague ass feelings or situation that no one else will look at ugh thats like#The tumblr experience. but i love reading other's personal posts and tags though..
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Thursday show fast approaching and Im getting SCARED
#so excited/nervous Im gonna spend all week shaking over it. its already started#literally shaking so hard on the drive home listening to them#speaking#thursday#my sunday is gonna be Fully occupied by the show like Im literally not gonna be able to do anything else. Im already planning to be#at the venue pretty early cause I want barricade#and unlike my usual left barricade I want.. I want center… geoffrey…. I wanna see him really good..#weak and shaking and scared and excited#I wanna draw smth from SWIM for him but thats so scary. hashtag What#getting too parasocial. nightmare. I care too much abt this guy augh.#also thot abt asking for a setlist thats so SCARY. I need anti anxiety meds so bad#drinking was my anti anxiety coping method but as we know Im not doing that anymore + was prob not great at settling it in the first place
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wittle vent pwease ignore dksbfjsnd
#okay i know it dose not matter#but ive been trying to get comissions for my art for a few weeks now-#like going out of my way every other day to look for others that might want to comission me#and even doing a few free peices to try and get myself out there more#but its just. not working. and i know my style isnt the best- its not the best at all-#i need to work on actually drawing with more detail and finesse to make stiff look good#but it also hurts?#like so many people want ship art/couple poses and thats what im best at!! i love drawing character interactions#and honest think im pretty good at doing poses where characters are touching eachother or interacting#so it feels really discouraging to be consistantly sorta. ignored. idk-#but ya lmao i just. am scared and want to save up as much as can and its already been a mpnth with no progress#and im so anxious that i wont end up raising enough or will end up idk messing it up somehow
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Made so mucb preogress with the picrew...
#dead to world.. pain... back hurts.. cramps... kinda tired...#and yet it is. so so much fun. and i wanna continue so bad.#oh fuck i judt remembers that i have a project due on wednesday to make a storybook and some turnarounds#i love how easily i shove zampanio into all that i see nowadays#need to make an essay? make it avout zampanio! need to make a story? zampanio awaits! need to do anything in creative writing?#zampanio.#anything in animation?#zampanio!!#it makes it a lot more fun. i actuay want to do things when it involves that i guess!#hard to explain!#so sorry to my math teacher whos whiteboard i keep writing+drawing on with zampaniostuff. it will happen again.#i really love this schedule#im a little scared im going to be knocked out of it because of school#i am. enjoying this little routine ice shoved myself into#i dont remember anything from last week however! hrm#hhrnnnnmmmm#sigh#my back hurts so bad#hugs my electronics. ohh how i love you. the voice youve given me the way youve changed me. kiss kiss#the people youve let me meet and the wonderful things ive seen#i love you electronics.. i love the sounds and lights you give......#so many times i hug phone to sleep. it is cute litttle box that emits lightm how could i not.#its sad that computers are thinner nowadays makes them harder to hug#but on the plus side so very easy to pick up!#you know cuddling up into a plush pile with your favorite ill electronics or objects is so nice :-)#i think i have a broken computer part in my zampanio box and i dont know whether to consider it an eye or part of brain
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doing bad (been sick n struggling to breathe for 4 months now n i may not be able to see a doctor until december AFTER a family trip that requires me being actively walking for 8+ hrs for a week)
#i may be able to get something in next week idk but oughg my throat keeps closing up every few days n i cant take more classes off or i fail#ig this hasnt gotten WORSE its remained consistent but idk whats wrong n its really terrifying feeling like ur being choked 24/7#idk if i come off aloofer or less active or i just feel so but i hate it i wanna draw to feel better#but focus is shit n i have so much hw n my body feels likes its dying#av.txt#idk i think im also mostly annoyed bc im scared of the price points on these too no matter if its something minor or srs#gnvhvnb whatever thanksgiving dinner in a week itll be so good
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,,,,,,
#im sooooooo motivated to do sports now!!! love dancing and moving!!!! can this please always happen and not once in my Good Two Weeks that#i habe????#also pls how do i accept mistakes. come on like I can fix that!!! it’s not a big deal and there‘s a LOT going on rn.#of course I do not have the brains for it all!!! that‘s not how I work!!! I want to be all cute and hihi about it#because I KNOW it‘s not a big deal and I’m only scared of what other people think#wait#oh hold on#most of the mistakes that I feel terribly bad I only feel so bad about because I feel#like my colleagues feel think I’m a loser n everything#imposter syndrome pretty much tf#ooooh shoot#I’m gonna do a workout now theehee#and then maybe read or draw!!! I had fun drawing today during my longest meeting#also I habe 4 other things to do tomorrow 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 that are SO important oof
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last vent i promise
#vent#vent post#me when i try not relying emotionally on my friends by getting out of discord for some days#because im scared of them abandoning me if gets too bad#also me;#checking discord every 20 minutes#even thou i made SURE that i couldnt even try opening it#jesus im such a waste of life.#this is gonna be a long feeling week huh#i hope my comfort fixations help me throught this#i'll keep drawing and writing as much as possible so i dont breakdown completely
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