#i can only wake up at 6 am for so many days before losing my mind

[indigopoptart]

lil life update

birthday baking (shitty photo)

i decided i didnt want a cake this year so i did all this!! while slowly losing my mind on a saturday.

me and my mom did the decorations!!

i have to thank my girlfriend, my friend Sam, and my Penjamin for keeping me sane through this tough yet joyous time

[yan-lorkai]

may i please request Idia, Azul, Jamil, and Floyd with a s/o that has a really bad sleep schedule, like literally can’t take naps and falls asleep at like 2 am and wakes up at 6 am. So they’re always really clingy and tired because of it

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ A/N: This is a mood. I started playing Mystic messenger again and like, my sleep schedule is all over the place because I refuse to lose even a single chat 😭. Needlessly to say but I'm sleepy all day but at least I'm getting a good ending for sure lol. Hope you enjoy this, darling!

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Idia himself has trouble sleeping. He keep turning around so many time that if you were to share a bed with him, you would woke suddenly. Nightmare, anxiety and fears plague his mind, thus he turns to the only coping mechanism he has: gaming. He plays the night away before meeting you. After that, his heart start to beat normally and he can finally breathe, he can finally rest for a second. And then he finds out you have a worse sleeping schedule than him. You sleep really late and wake up really early.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ For once he feels the need to be the responsible one, inviting you to sleepovers just so he can make sure that you will be sleeping at an acceptable time, reducing the time you spend in front of screens or any caffeine. You will be sleeping this night and the after, and the other after that. He'll made sure of it. Plus, having you around is so good and you're always touching him in some form whenever you have a bad night. He like it even though he still flinch and blush whenever this happens.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Though no matter how much he loves to have you cuddling his back or hugging him because you're sleepy and can't take a nap, Idia will have your sleep schedule fixed. There can only be one insomniac in this relationship and it's him.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ It's a bit difficult for Jamil, though not impossible, to know you're not getting enough sleep at night. He himself works till the late hours and rise together with the sun. Still there are noticeable signs: you clinging to him, irritability, impulsive thoughts, slurred speech, and then he starts to realize you don't sleep at all some nights, doing whatever you spent time doing. And Jamil scolds you like he would Kalim. He is listing every negative effect on your health, how not sleeping can impact you on the long run, how you should fix it.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ He make you some teas to sleep better, he'll even help you meditate so you can clear your mind. Though nothing he try works, so he casually move you into his room so he can keep an eye on you. He takes regular breaks when night starts to fall to see if you're still awake. If you are and he is free, which is rare, Jamil will lay down beside you and hold you tight, hoping that the warmth of his body and his soft humming can make you sleepy. If even this fail, he use the Snake Whisper to make you sleep.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Floyd is something else. He likes to experiment with how long he can stay awake before he succumbs to exhaustion, he does this often, laughing at the side effects the day after - though he also gets pretty moody the days he doesn't sleep. But only he can do this, you are required to sleep and take naps. He'll squeeze you gently on his arms, humming a little song while he pinch and poke at you to make you squeal. It's his way of telling you that he is here for you.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Despite his fickle and quick change of moods, Floyd can be soft sometimes. And when he wants something, he gets something; he'll read for you to sleep or tell all about his day and the things he did, the people he squeezed, the dishes he cooked, at some point, even more when he is holding you closely, rubbing your back and pressing kisses to your neck, Floyd knows you're bound to feel asleep soon.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Azul knows the importance of sleeping well. A well rested mind is capable of analyzing, of observation and various other things he needs to keep his business running. He can see how you struggle, often draping yourself all over him, mumbling slowly and yawning every few seconds. He knows you don't have been sleeping well. The motive he inquiry you about; and he create a sleep schedule for you when he learn it's because you have a bad sleep schedule, altering everything you do every day so you can have a practical schedule that fits your academic life and free time.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ While that's more easy said than done, Azul tries to coax you into sleeping in his room under the pretende of watching a movie or two. He is shy like this, don't mind him. He knows what's good for you and he can pamper you and take care of you when you are nearby, tangling you in his arms and blankets.

[ivysangel]

I am dead serious when I say that you guys need to start giving writers feedback more often. I have a fic here that has a total of 4015 notes and only 218 aren't likes. So, let me break this down for you a bit.

Of 4015 notes, 186 are reblogs and 32 are comments. Two reblogs, as well as comments, are mine so I'll subtract them from the equation making the total number of notes 4011 (184 rbs, 30 comments, 3,797 likes).

Of the 184 reblogs, 16 are private, meaning they're absolutely useless in spreading and sharing the piece. The remaining 168 consists of 136 reblogs falling under "other reblogs" while only 32 fall under "comments and tags." And of the 32 under "comments and tags," only 9 have something besides a copy of the tags that I included in my initial post.

The 184 reblogs make up 4.6% of the total notes, the reblogs under "comments and tags" make up 0.8% of the total notes, and the reblogs under "comments and tags" with anything besides tags copied from the initial post make up 0.2% of the total notes.

At one point, I reblogged the post, asking if anyone wanted a part two. That's when I got my first comments. The first 6 comments were in response to that, and of the 30 total comments (excluding my own), only two were unrelated to a part two. Which means I can guarantee that I wouldn't have had that many comments had I not posed the question of a sequel fic.

And if I add those 2 comments to the 9 reblogs, I get 0.3% of the total notes on my post that make up the portion of notes that aren't likes, empty reblogs, or comments about a part two. And that's me being generous because two of the reblogs actually do mention a part two.

I also posted a poll asking what people wanted in part two, and that poll got 238 votes. That is 54 people more who voted for what they wanted in a part two that didn't reblog or help push part one.

Don't get me wrong, I love seeing people in my notifs liking my posts, but sometimes it's just not enough. It is utterly exhausting waking up to multiple hundreds of notifications and not seeing a single person compliment your work. You guys will like stuff, follow, and then head straight to the inbox asking for more. I know it's been said a hundred times before, but we are not machines; we do this for free in our spare time.

The post in question was written when I was tired out of my mind, and I ended up not liking it, so I let it sit in my drafts. I briefly mentioned it on my blog and was met with one of my followers showing interest in the idea, which prompted me to revise, edit, and post it. It was a gift, as are all fics and pieces of art by writers and artists on this site, and yet it was treated like a commodity.

When people say it's unmotivating they're not kidding. When I had 100+ asks in my inbox, all of them being requests, I felt like I had the worst case of writers block known to man. I would open my inbox and immediately close it because the idea of posting anything knowing the only response would be more requests, was awful.

When people leave little messages in the tags, full-blown commentary, or kind messages in my inbox referencing posts, I feel more motivated than ever. Those responses are what drives me to write more. But when I, and other writers, are being treated like we're here to cook up whatever fantasisies you have in mind, I can't help but side-eye a little.

We wouldn't write if we didn't enjoy it, but the moment it feels like a job, it becomes that much less enjoyable, and then everybody loses. Just send a kind message to your favorite writers every once in a while. I promise it'll make their day.

I would also like to say that as I've written this, I've seen more people like that post. So, there's that.

[phenomenalgirl9]

Into you: Park Jimin x Reader

Summary: You never really took Jimin seriously, how could you? He's an Idol you are a staff. He has been trying to grab your attention regardless, however when a certain junior steps in, Jimin loses his cool.

W/c: 1.7k

A/n: Happy Birthday Jimin ssi! To the comfort person everyone deserves! You have been a pillar to my existence. And today I thank you, for existing. I am not confident much about this one though.. hehe.

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"And he's looking at you again" Nika, your friend and coworker said as she looked past you towards this certain pretty man. "He must be looking at something. Why would he look at me?" You asked and shook your head. "I swear you just moved across the room and his eyes moved with you" she pestered. "So what? It doesn't really matter, he must be looking at something. Maybe I look funny to him" you tried to "reason" and she just gave up with a "you're unbelievable" under her breath.

"Hey Y/n ssi? Need some help?" You heard his voice and smiled (as much as you could while being nervous as fuck. Cause, he knows your name? Even though he totally should as you've been working with him for over 3 years now) "no this is fine" you replied. " But it looks really heavy" he pushed "are you going to the 17th floor?" He asked and you nodded, "I'm heading the same way, let me help" he said and got the bag from you. "Park Jimin nim you really didn't need to carry that" you tried to mutter. "But I wanted to," he said as his eyes disappeared into crescents. Thank god only Nika was in the room yet and she broke out into a grin the moment she watched Jimin hand you your bag and then the two of you bow and he walked away.

"Shut up" you said, "I didn't say anything!" Nika protested. "I know you want to!" You said and then you looked towards the door where Enhypen entered. Yes, you were supposed to style Enhypen for the shooting of their practice video for their new comeback.

"Noona!" Heeseung cheered as you smiled, you heard Nika mutter "here we go again".

"Noona. How have you been?" Heeseung asked with a wide smile as he plopped down on the chair in front of you. You started with putting on basic makeup as it was only a practice video.

"Noona, you weren't there for the mv shoot, were you?" Heeseung asked and you shook your head as you fixed his hair. "I was busy with a project with Park Jimin ssi" you said. "Well she's here today" Nika said from behind the next chair as she fixed Sunoo's hair with a smirk and you shook your head.

Yes, you did notice the many times that Heeseung glanced at you during the practice through the mirror or directly, at times.

----------------------------------------------------

"Y/n?" Your senior Junmin called you. "Yes?" You asked. "I know it's a bit last moment, but can you come in tomorrow?" He asked and you turned and looked at him. "Yeah, I know it's the last moment but he really wants you and your team there," Junmin said. "Who?" You asked. "Jimin" he said and you heard Nika choke on her juice. "Okay. I'll do it" you said.

And hence, here you were, driving while Nika cursed at you for waking her up at 6 on an off day for a shoot. "You couldn't say no to your lover boy?" She grumbled and you shook your head.

"I'm so sorry for calling you to work on your off day" Junmin said as soon as you entered the jet where the rest of the staff were. Nika grumbled and sat down, closing her eyes.

You stepped onto Tokyo and smiled, it's been a while since you came here. "Let's grab some ramen before we go to the arena" you said, grabbing Nika's hand as you walked.

The arena is just as huge as you remembered from back when you came with BTS as a group a year back. You entered the area with the Hybe artists and even before you could greet Jimin. Heeseung came running with an out of breath Niki. "Hey Noona! I didn't know you were coming" he said with his charming smile and you just smiled and shrugged as the two were called back. You could see Jimin from afar and it seemed like he was looking at you. Did he glare at Heeseung? No, it was probably your misconception. You bowed and greeted him, as he did the same, his eyes disappearing in those familiar crescents. "I'm glad you could come" he said.

Soon you and your team git busy with styling and dressing up the group of dancers, doing their makeup. Jimin waited patiently as he would be the last to get ready. You reached him and smiled, you bowed down to attach the styler with the electricity outlet and noticed how Jimin put his palm over the corner of the table to avoid your head from bumping into it and blushed.

Jimin has always been like this, a comment here, a gesture there, you've never really taken them to your heart though. He is Park Jimin, it's just his generosity, even though those comments and gestures were enough to knock you out with the rate at which your heart sped up. You started applying his make up as you felt Jimin's eye on you, his whole unwavering attention on you. He didn't look away like you're a wonder on this earth. You could feel as if he was staring at your lips when you were applying lipstick on his soft, plump, KISSABLE lips. You let your mind wander on how they'd feel against yours and you realized you were staring, but then you realized so was he. You stopped and walked to the side, to act to gather your things. You took deep breaths in and out. Then you gladly found your brushes there and you picked them up. You found him still staring at you.

"It's nothing, it's nothing. He's just casually flirting with you, cause you're getting flustered. Get a grip" you told yourself. And started doing his hair, avoiding his gaze at all costs. "You're done" you muttered and slipped away before Jimin could get out a word. You collided with someone, more like a firm chest. "Are you okay?" The person asked, "yeah I'm-" you looked up and stopped. "Heeseung ssi" you said and smiled. "Please noona drop the ssi" he said "are you okay though?". "Yes I'm fine" you assured him. "Y/n?" You heard Junmin behind him and peeped from his side. "Please lend us a hand if you're done there" he requested and you nodded and sped walked inside to grab your kit, "do the touch ups" you told Nika and walked out.

"The fan choice award goes to Enhypen!" You were just fixing Heeseung's hair as he was about to go on stage. "Thanks noona" he said with the same smile he always does "don't mention it, Heeseung", making the boy smile wide as he turned towards you one last time and walked away. That was when you felt a soft touch on your shoulder. You turned to see Jimin standing there, an award in hand. Yes, he won the soloist of the year, everybody congratulated him, while you focused on fixing Enhypen's hair.

"Can we talk?" He asked with his smooth soft voice. "Um.. I think Junmin might need me" you said and tried to walk away.Jimin looked around and lightly grabbed your hand and walked to the green room and locked it.

"Why" was all he said as he placed the award on the table. "Why? What? Jimin nim" you asked looking for ways to run away but you couldn't, he stood in front of the door and there was no chance anybody would come cause Enhypen and TXT would be performing close by. "Why do you do this?" He asked "You've always kept running away from me. Never once taking anything I say seriously and I keep wondering maybe it's only me who feels this" he said pointing at himself and you, "but then you look at me like maybe I am not wrong, you give me hope and you run away again" he said and ran his hand through his hair. "That's cause I can't feel for you. You are You and I AM ME! Why would YOU being in that shiny world of yours look at me?" You asked. "Cause I've been in love with you for all these years! It physically aches when I see that kid loitering all around you, looking at you like how only I should be looking" he said. "You can't l, I-I can't. I just can't" you said and started pacing around, a thing you do when you're stressed. "Y/n" Jimin just said and took a hold of your hand and pulled you close. So close, you could feel his breath fan on your lips. "Tell me you don't feel anything," he said looking deep into your eyes. You felt the heat creep onto your cheeks and ears as your heart sped up as if you've run a mile. "Tell me you didn't think of this" he said and immediately pulled you even closer, crashing his lips onto yours. You were wrong, they are even softer than what you had imagined. You felt him pull you by the loops of your jeans as the two of you crashed onto the couch. You straddled him as your lips moved actively against his in synchronization. His soft palm anchoring you to him as he pulled away leaving a thread of saliva and attacked your neck, the touch of his soft lips and his teeth felt like a different euphoria as he marked you making you a moaning mess. "You're mine, you have to be, I can't take it anyway else" he said, and he got you settled onto his lap and you rested your head on his chest. You could hear his heartbeat, it was fast but in sync with yours. And you understood how deep you both were, into each other. Cause no matter how much you deny yourself you can't think of being there with someone else, it's always been him.

It was a different aspect of how you'll explain Nika or anyone as a matter of fact, why you suddenly have an angry hickey on your neck. But that's a thought for after your daze over Jimin is over. He kissed you again trying to put all his feelings into it, trying to say all that was left unsaid. He then looked at you and you said "let's try this".

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Other works

Taglist: @bbl32 @back2bluesidex @cherryblossom-2004

[rashoumon-homo]

Sleepyhead (Dazai x Reader)

Dazai x Male Reader

-> Content Warnings: male reader, amab terms used, suggestive (no smut), so much fluff

-> 1.1k words

Request by @suru1990 - thank you! This was a lot of fun to write :D

Despite walking through dangerous streets and dimly lit alleys on your way home, no one dared bother you. If the fact that you were a high-ranking Port Mafia member wasn’t threatening enough, the mere mention of your lover’s name was enough to keep even the boldest criminal away. It had been a long time since Dazai had left the Port Mafia and joined the Armed Detective Agency, but rumors of his ruthlessness were still rampant in the building’s halls, only ever growing in size.

Now, you knew he’d never kill unless he absolutely needed to, but where’s the fun in correcting your coworkers?

The bluish light of sunrise settled over the empty streets. You yawned. Still not used to pulling all-nighters, and you’d been with the Port Mafia for how many years now? At least you’d be able to get some sleep once you got home. When the rest of the world was waking up and pouring coffee; heading to work with the weather report on the radio, you’d be only getting into bed.

It was hard at times to keep up a relationship with Dazai when both of you had important jobs that operated at wildly different hours of the day. Sometimes you’d go days or weeks without even seeing each other, just from how your schedules lined up. You’d taken to leaving each other notes on the counter whenever either of you came or went from the house. Things like, “Took out the trash,” or, “Leftover carry out is in the fridge.” Dazai would often add cute messages at the end saying he missed your handsome face and reminding you he loves you. He’d picked up origami at some point a couple months into the relationship, so it wasn’t uncommon to find a folded crane or a heart on the kitchen counter beside the note.

You smiled to yourself as you approached the front door, wondering what he might have left this time. You were surprised to find a warm glow coming from the front window, and even more surprised that the door was already unlocked.

“I’m home!” you called out, not wanting to startle Dazai.

He popped his head out of the bedroom, clearly partway through getting dressed. His slacks were on, but his shirt was still unbuttoned over his shoulders. A massive grin spread over his face when he saw you.

“Hey, love! Back from work already?” he asked, coming over to hug you. His arms stayed wrapped around your waist, face nestled in your neck.

“Already?” you asked, laughing. “It’s nearly 6 am!”

“Mmm,” Dazai said, sighing happily. You ran your fingers through his hair, then tried to gently untangle his arms from you.

“I need to take off my coat, baby,” you reminded him.

He pulled back, only to take the fabric of your coat in his hands instead. “Allow me,” he murmured, slowly sliding it off your shoulders. Instead of letting it fall to the floor, he hung it up on the hanger by the door like a proper gentleman. When he turned back to face you, there was a familiar hunger in his eyes.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked.

“Please do,” you replied breathlessly, and then his lips were on yours. It was soft; familiar. It was like coming home. You let yourself melt into his arms, losing yourself in the kiss. He pushed you against the wall for better stability and opened his mouth, sliding his warm tongue against yours. You gripped his waist tighter, and he moaned, sending vibrations down your spine like he was trying to infuse you with his pleasure itself.

“Dazai,” you groaned, pulling away for air. Your eyes met his and a sense of relief washed over you. You were always safe, right here in his arms. You could finally put the guard down that you had to keep up at all times for work. And with that tension released, you suddenly felt very, very sleepy. A yawn slipped from your mouth before you could stop it.

Dazai smiled at you fondly, and gently cradled your cheek in the palm of his hand. “Sleepy, baby?” he asked.

“It’s nothing,” you said quickly. “I can keep going.”

“I don’t mind stopping if you’re too tired,” he said.

“But you’re…” you gestured at the obvious erection straining at his pants.

“Don’t worry about that,” Dazai insisted. “It’ll go down on its own. Or I can take care of it myself, no big deal.” He then looked pointedly at your matching hard-on and offered, “I can still suck you off or something if you’d like. I don’t mind servicing you today.” He gave you a coy smile and kissed your cheek.

You shook your head. “I’ll be asleep the second my head hits the pillow,” you admitted.

“Let me help you get ready for bed then,” he said. He crouched down to unlace your combat boots for you and helped steady you while you stepped out of them. Then he walked with you to the bedroom.

“It’s okay, really,” you insisted. “You don’t need to help me.”

He unbuttoned your shirt with practiced hands and gave you a look. “I want to help you,” he said. He tossed the shirt in the laundry basket and urged you to sit on the bed so he could take off your pants next. You yawned again. The way he gently maneuvered your limbs was so relaxing you couldn’t help but close your eyes.

“Arms up,” he said softly, causing you to startle awake again. You smiled sheepishly and held your arms up so he could pull your sleep shirt over your head.

“You falling asleep on me, baby?” he teased.

“No,” you lied, smiling regardless.

He pulled your sleep shorts over your hips and let you lie down. The pillow was like a cloud under your head. And when Dazai pulled the blankets over you, you were enveloped in the coziest, softest warmth you think you’d ever felt.

It wasn’t just physical, either. Only a fool would think that. The care Dazai took while tucking you in warmed you to the bone. You were safe. Cared for. Loved.

“Need me to get you anything?” Dazai asked quietly. “Some water, a snack?”

You shook your head and smiled. “I love you,” you murmured. “So much.”

Dazai leaned over you and kissed your forehead. “I love you too,” he said. “I’m headed to work soon, but hopefully I’ll get to see you again this evening. I’m glad our schedules overlapped this morning. Seeing you always makes me so happy.”

Your eyes were closed and your breathing was already shallow and even.

“Sleepyhead,” Dazai murmured. He drew the curtains closed and turned off the light. “Sweet dreams,” he whispered, then closed the door behind him.

♡ ♡ ♡

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[babycherrycola]

I’m finally in the 70s!!!

I should’ve posted an update sooner, but life got in the way.

I’ve started doing a plan that’s been working absolute wonders for me, so I’m gonna share it with you :)

Firstly I’ll start by explaining what I used to struggle with. I used to really struggle with eating small portions. I’m a volume eater and I like having hearty meals, not just stuffing myself with low cal vegetables. I was never satisfied with portion control and calorie counting was just way too exhausting.

My second issue laid in the fact that I was never home for lunch or dinner and I ate out a lot as a result. I tried taking lunches to uni, but they all got soggy and gross by the time I wanted to actually eat them so I hated doing it. Even if I ate that lunch, I’d still feel unsatisfied and crave sugary snacks.

I also had a non-diet related problem regarding my schedule which was that I never had the time or energy to study outside of lectures. I was always rushing to get out the door in the morning and the near 4 hour total daily commute to school drained all the energy I had by the end of the day. Plus I got home at around 7-8 if I was lucky.

My new diet and schedule fixed all of those issues.

1. I started going to sleep at around 9-11 pm and waking up at 5-7 am depending on the day. This gave me plenty of time to get in my 7-8 hours and also have time to study in the morning BEFORE school. I’m definitely a morning person now that I’ve gotten into a comfortable rhythm.

2. I only eat one meal per day. I KNOW HOW THAT SOUNDS, but hear me out. I don’t restrict myself and I eat a lot of food in that one meal. I fill a big plate like so: 40% vegetables, 40% hearty high protein meal like curry or stroganoff (that I love) and 20% bread/ crackers / carbs. At the end of the meal I feel fully satisfied and energized.

3. I drink a LOT of water, tea and coffee throughout the day. I was never a tea or coffee person and I never remembered to drink water, but mow that I get hungry at around 3-4 pm and my stomach starts craving something warm, I drink a ridiculous amount of liquids. It’s really made a difference in my metabolism and I’m actually starting to like tea.

4. Don’t just sit around all day. Get a little bit of movement in. I don’t have the energy to work out on days when I know I have to study a lot, but I am planning on scheduling 2 gym days per week on days when my schedule is light. My campus is big so I do a lot of walking anyway.

5. Track your progress. I know it’s not recommended that you weigh yourself every day, but weighing myself keeps me motivated and in tune with my body on a daily basis. I have a hard time actually knowing what I look like and how big I am so having a number confirm my progress is reassuring.

6. I don’t do this every day. I eat one meal per day six days a week, but on Mondays I know it’s not realistic for me to only have one meal because my schedule is so hectic. I’m realistic about what I can handle, so if I know that a practically 24 hour fast on top of a busy day will make me cranky and fatigued, I don’t do it. Set realistic expectations for yourself and accept the consequences of them.

7. Last but not least, Have a solid reason for why you’re doing this. For me, I have multiple reasons. Number one is to prove to myself that after letting myself down so many times and quitting on so many weight loss journeys, I can actually do it. I’m doing this to teach myself discipline. I’m doing this for my health, since I am insulin resistant and fasting helps make you more insulin sensitive. I’m also doing this to feel prettier and fit into the clothes I want to wear. Keep in mind that the pain of hard work is better than the pain of disappointment. It’s a myth that a magic product or procedure will make you lose weight painlessly, weight loss is not easy for a human body and it will take resilience to lose it and keep it off. But it will be worth it if you’re doing it for the right reasons.

Let me know if you guys want to see what I eat for my one meal a day!!!

[tainoidiot]

Mornings, Afternoons, Evenings.

Jervis Tetch X FoodServer!reader

NOTES: Based on this dumb post I made about a rogue falling for a worker, but instead of a psychiatrist or doctor it's the fucking food service people. (Maybe I'll even open up my requests soon OoooOooO)

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Mornings, Afternoons, and Evenings.

That's when he saw you.

Jervis awoke in his small holding room. It's white. A blinding white. He's tired of the bland exterior, where is the color and whimsy of wonderland when he needs it the most? Not to mention he wore this ugly shade of teal as his robes. Any longer and he'd lose it... more.

Jervis was given small privileges by the staff here and there. He wasn't a high risk patient anymore, so that meant he could have a phone in his room. Sure, he couldn't call anyone outside the asylum and he really only used it to ask for the menu items of the day but it's the thought that counts! Oh, and he has all the paper he could ask for! What for? Um...

Okay maybe he didn't have that many privileges. Really all he does is design hats and color anyway.

7:13 am, the phone rings, startling the middle aged man out of his hat creating zone. He hesitated at first, he never had the phone call HIM. So, curiously, he picked up the phone. "Hello?" Jervis asked.

...

Oh, they're just asking for his breakfast order.

BREAKFAST

The man's hungry. "Oh, where is that o-"

Three knocks interrupt his train of thought, and then the door swings open. "Food service! May I come in?" A sing songy voice asks. He's impressed, was the universe listening to him?

"Er, yes. Come in, dear." He stumbled with his words. The nurses usually gave him a light styrofoam type tray for his food. He must be getting better then.

In walks in a worker Jervis had never seen before. The grey work polo, the black pants and shoes, a dangling ID. It wasn't the appearance that got him curious. It was the voice. He needed to know more.

--------

You walk into the room, tray in your arms as you smiled at the man. "Good morning! Hope I didn't wake you up." You chuckle placing the tray on a nearby table. Truly, your customer service voice got people calm. They trusted you. YOU, however, only got paid 17 an hour. Could you give more of a shit? Maybe if you were given 20 an hour instead.

"Oh, not at all.. um.." The man replied, looking at you with soft eyes. "I thought the nurses delivered our trays?" He asked, looking at the breakfast with a smile. You just shrugged "We have a list of patients who we can't serve to physically, but looks like you're not on it anymore." You nod and pump the hand sanitizer bottle before stepping out of the room.

"Wait!" Cried Jervis. You turned your head curiously "Anything else I can do for you?"

"What's your name?"

-------

LUNCH

Jervis couldn't stop thinking about the delivery person he spoke with. Alice wouldn't work a 9-5, er.. 6-7:30, right? Wonderland is a strange place, however. Nothing is impossible. After only two weeks, Him and that mysterious server seemed to hit it off too. They talked about the mess the styrofoam trays make, especially considering how flimsy they are, how some of the doctors got on their nerves, and the exhaustion that was walking around Arkham. During their chat, they explained that they only really serve the box tea to the patients. "BUT if you ask nicely, I can sneak you some different kinds I find in the storage room." The server joked. Jervis hated the unsweetened tea, it was always cold. Who the fuck serves tea COLD?!

After sending in his lunch order, he prayed he'd see you again. They could talk about literature, as you mentioned you hadn't really been reading much as of late. It was obvious what he'd recommend, but it's the thought that counts. Your eyes, your voice, how you for some reason always smelled like mustard. (Apparently that's just how the kitchen smells)

Knock Knock Knock..

Jervis's ears perked up. Watching the door swing open made his heart flutter. Oh, to see your beautiful face, though half covered in a mask with hair tucked away into a hairnet, he didn't care. All he smiled for was that you were here. "Yes, yes! Come in, dear."

As he finally got a good look at the figure opening his door, he noticed.. wait, that's not you. That's someone else entirely. How cruel the universe was! "Um.. You're not.."

They look up at the man and sighed "Understaffed today. One called out sick, another just quit." Jervis was perplexed. Which one were you? Sick? Oh, he wishes he was there to hold you. You must be miserable, poor dear. Or did you had quit? Did you need a friendly ear to lend? Was today that bad?

The server placed the tray on the table and left. Jervis was left alone with his thoughts again, leg bouncing with anxiety. Did you need help? Did.. you need him? Hid heart ached just thinking about it. Maybe it was too soon, and this was the universes way of saying "slow down there." But he couldn't ignore how he felt.

----------

DINNER

Two weeks.

Two WHOLE WEEKS.

Jervis had been released from Arkham. He hid his true feelings of obsession worry from doctors and psychiatrists taking notes in their little booklets. It wasn't fair! You and him didn't even get to say a proper goodbye! And here he is, angrily huffing about as he steps into the thrift store.

He can't really afford nice things, but the tea cups here were truly pretty enough to catch his eye. Sure they looked a bit scattered when one cup had flowers and kittens and another pictures from nature, but that's Wonderland baby! Scattered and strange. Plus, retail therapy was always good.

As he walked through the kitchen ware aisle, he scanned his surroundings for new tea sets or perhaps a kettle. Not many people entered the thrift store on a Thursday evening, they usually come for the Monday sale. But every once in a while, he'd see someone in the same aisle as him.

And God is he thankful he turned his head. Because there you were. In all your glory.

His breath hitched, heart pounding as his cheeks flushed. It was you, wasn't it? His mind wasn't playing tricks, was it? You turned to face him and stopped.

"... Jervis Tetch?"

He gulped. "Y-Yes?"

"I KNEW IT WAS YOU!" Your smile widened as you walked closer to the man. "Holy crap man, you're out already? I figured you would've been, nice to see you!"

Jervis wanted to take your hand into his warm gloved one. God, he couldn't hold back. But he must. "Aha! Yes, yes.. It's good to see you. I didn't get to say goodbye, what happened?" He asked.

You raised an eyebrow in confusion, then remember what he meant "Oh! Yeah, had some stuff to take care of.. and by that I mean I called off "Sick"!" You giggled. Oh, you silly little rabbit. Jervis sighed in relief. You were safe.

"I'm glad to see you're safe.. could we grab a cup of tea perhaps?"

The store was about to close anyway. What else is there to do for dinner?

[firmaverage]

Wake up. Dread getting out of bed. Scroll through Instagram for 15 minutes. Finally get up, pee, put on some pants and head to the kitchen. Make breakfast. Make lunches for the kids. Bug them about getting ready. Take them to school.

Laundry.

Clean something.

Eat something.

Oh! The plumber is coming today, that's different.

Laundry.

Rinse and Repeat. Rinse and Repeat. For the rest of your life.

Or so it seems.

Having been a stay at home mom for the past 14 years, it feels like I have everything and nothing handled at any given time. My family desperately needs me for the smallest thing, then suddenly I don't exist. We laugh and have fun, I make brownies and they say they love me. Then I'm the worst mom ever, they hate me, they say I'm dumb.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Learning to let things go and not take anything personally has been a challenge, but a skill I've developed over the years. Learning to care for myself while I also care for everyone else... and the house.... and the dog.... and the yard.... and the fish....has been harder. Maybe I'll try hot yoga. I had a friend recommend it once and I've wondered about it ever since. That was 6 years ago.

I'm never really happy, never really sad. Never content and never strung out with stress. I just AM. I'm just there. Always there. Through holidays and birthdays. Good times and bad... lots of bad... I'm the Mom. I do it. And I cry by myself a lot.

I started writing this because I've never heard of a book, or even short story about a stay at home mom. She has no grand adventures, or epic romances. She doesn't have a secret identity or mysterious case she needs to solve. Scratch that, every thing that every person is looking for becomes mom's mystery to solve. I got really good at that.

Sometimes I dream about the past. Sometimes I worry about the future. Mostly I try to enjoy the present, appreciate what I have while I have it. Time moves too fast.

The number one thing I've learned about being a mom is that it's the best. And the worst. And the mediumist. But mostly Mom is loved and put aside. She is the back ground operating system that silently organizes life, making sure it runs smoothly.

The idea of stay at home mom has changed a lot. As a child I was taught that that was the ideal. So it was my goal to be a stay at home mom as long and I can remember. But times change. I've been pressured to "find a real job", that it's fulfilling to have something of my own. As if the 24/7 position I have is not my own. I've been pressured to get up before the kids and "take care of myself", because fitness only fits when no one else is around. (It is easier to be honest, but I am NOT a morning person.)  I've been told to clean more, eat better, meal prep, limit screens, encourage outside time, discourage swearing, keep up on homework, make sure the kids are in lots of activities but always have time for family. And be a sexy wife. When my body grew with babies, I was told to lose the weight as quickly as possible. I didn't. I was told to find my tribe, my village, and we would lighten each other's burden. I didn't. I was told to trust my gut instinct over what some "expert" says. I did.

Over and over and over I question, adjust, research, debate, and try to apply many different methods of taking care of my family. I put off my mental health issues until my husband wasn't sick anymore. I sought therapy for my son with anxiety. I walked and rocked my colic daughter from 5pm to 11pm every day for the first year of her life. I carry my families burdens and try to hide how much it is that I carry.

Being a stay at home mom is always. There is no clocking out. There are no vacation days. There is no banter around the water cooler. It's just me and my determination to do my best for my family. And it is never enough.

I don't say that in a negative, depressed way. It's just fact. I can never be all that my family needs, because I am just one person. I fill the gaps as much as possible, but things get through all the time. Like when I yelled at my 3 year old son to "Leave me the Fuck alone!" Like when my kids watched YouTube for 10 hrs one day (probably multiple days, I really haven't kept track.) Like when I had my first mental breakdown at 31 and cried all day. I highly recommend having a breakdown, it's very cathartic.

I've tried to make friends in every place I've moved to. It works for a while, but either I'm not good at making friends, or we just get really busy with our lives. Cuz I'm mostly alone. I volunteered to be PTA President. 1 month later the world shut down because of a pandemic. Being PTA President and a sudden homeschooling mom and dealing with a pandemic for 2 years broke me in new ways I still haven't recovered from.

My dog is obsessed with me. She small and fluffy so it's nice to have her on my lap sometimes.

The only time I really feel good is when I masterbate. And honestly I mostly do it so I can fall asleep faster. Does masterbation make everyone sleepy?

If you've read this far, many kudos to you. We are all so busy and have so many avenues of entertainment that an honest word vomit from me doesn't feel like the most popular thing.

I get crushes on men and imagine life with them, but I'm so ridiculously in love with my husband. The fantasies only last for a bit and then I look at his cute face during the ovulation era of my cycle and love him all over again. A week later I feel like strangling him and everyone else around me, but I've learned that's normal. And it passes.

Over the years I've had many jobs, mostly care giving. I've been deported (for not having the right visa... thanks a lot England.) I've had eating disorders. I've tried to dance again and mostly failed. Zumba was fun though. I was obsessed with ballet my entire childhood and tried to get my daughter into dance, but it wasn't for her. And that's ok. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 38 and finally put on medication that helped me focus. Is this how most people feel? You think about doing something and then just do it? Wild.

I grew up in a high demand religion, Mormon, and left that church. Left religion altogether. Became more lonely because my only social network was at church. Realized how much shame and guilt I carried. Realized that I don't know how to form healthy relationships, for the most part.

I stay up late and deprive myself of sleep just to finally have time to myself. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I feel like I should be better. I don't know what my kids need, but I feel like I should. I don't want to get another job, but they are older and my husband works from home and we moved to a bigger house so I feel like I should. I "feel like I should" a lot.

I don't know where this is going, but maybe that's the point. Things just are, they don't have to go anywhere. Maybe I share this, maybe I don't. I know there are those who feel like me, but the internet is daunting. I don't like putting myself out there. Not anymore. I have given so much of myself over the years that I cling to whatever I can whenever I can. Cling to anything that feels like it's just mine. Like typing midnight rants on my phone. I was almost kidnapped as a kid. I was sexually and verbally abused. I was psychologically abused. I was molested. #MeToo

That is why I keep my kids close. I keep myself hidden. I plug away at daily life and don't try to expand. I can't let anyone in, it's better to be lonely. It's better to stay at home. Mom.

[zoneofsmites]

IDLE I DIDNT SEE THAT YOU REBLOGGED THE DURGE ASKS! I AM SENDING NOW! 1, 6, 11, 16, 18, 22!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that… that is so many… i am in bed already help.

Ok excuse any shitty formatting or spelling we’re doing this by phone. Most under the cut because my stars that’s a lot of questions:

1 - What circumstances led to your Dark Urge becoming their Class/Subclass?

Sylas is a triple multiclass of Draconic Sorcerer - Vengeance Paladin - Assassin Rogue. Mostly Dex based for weapons. This is 100% done out of flavor and storytelling but it works decently as a build for me. (note that I do have a lv20 mod so my level spread is a little wider).

Being a sorcerer is intrinsic, nothing led him on that path beyond Bhaal creating him. Shaped from the dead flesh of a divine being (also if I remember right Bhaal was a wizard or sorcerer as a mortal too?). He is a draconic bloodline - white dragon - as a nod to the default dark urge white dragonborn sorcerer.

He is an assassin rogue because that is the closest thing to formal training he has gotten in the temple. Stalking his prey, stab and maim - blood blood blood - before they can even see you. Whisper in their dying ears that they died for Bhaal. Proper worship.

Sylas is a vengeance paladin because… well because he tried to break away from the doctrine. Twice. Once when he was a teenager and once not long before the Grand Plan actually began. He failed both times and returned the obedient son (you cant start out as an oathbreaker but in my heart he does).

6 - How does your Dark Urge react to waking up with memory loss?

Not… well? Let’s just say he left the room he woke up in a worse state then when he got there before finally moving on.

So yes, angry. Then panic when that has faded. Ultimately he hopes it’s just a bad side effect… except then it isn’t because none of his companions are like this. With every night he gets less agitated and more afraid. Settling into his bones as this near constant dread until pieces of his past start opening up to him.

11 - What motivates your Dark Urge to either embrace or resist the Urge?

His companions.

Specifically - Donatello Arivae. (my friend Melon’s Tav).

Without Donnie around Sylas would probably… give up resisting at some point. So if I ever do an evil durge run it will be with me pretending Donnie isn’t around.

Donnie - or Sunny as Sy mostly calls him - is a devotion paladin of Lathander. He talks Sylas trough the panic and is capable of subduing him most of the time if he ever loses control. Most importantly he believes so deeply in second chances and is the only one who takes the Urge seriously from day 1.

Donnie is a solid 80% of his continued motivation.

16 - What is your Dark Urge’s greatest desire?

Wow… I mean getting rid of the Urge is the obvious one right? Regaining his memory.

Though it becomes clear at some point… that he wasn’t a good person (that he likely never was). His greatest desire then becomes to be… a good person - or a decent one at least? Someone that doesn’t need an external conscience (donnie and wyll).

18 - How does your Dark Urge feel about love?

Complicated.

For Sylas love is devotion and worship. It is all he knows. Even without memory that is what he defaults to. That worship manifest in different ways.

He worships Astarion first - it becomes a deep platonic love one day but its worship first. Sylas worships Astarion by letting the vampire use him and his blood. He thinks it’s romantic love but it isn’t. (Sylas romances Astarion until That One Conversation and admits that they would be better as friends)

He fears Donnie before he loves him - and thus worships him - because Donnie is terrifying on the field (and Sylas respects that) but most of his fear comes from kindness and he doesn't understand why that openness fills him with terror ( he can't remember not being allowed to feel such things).

Love means devotion. Love means giving part of yourself and expecting nothing in return. Worship.

Trough his journey this perception shifts and he understands love to be give and take with the relationships he has build. A healthier look on love than he ever did since stepping foot into the Temple of Bhaal.

22- What first impression does your Dark Urge give off to strangers?

“What the fuck is up with that guy?” - most of the Gate probably.

Sylas has some odd visual quirks that look pretty… out there by even Faerun standards. His eyes are like fire, and the red leaking from his eyes doesn’t seem to be make-up on closer inspection. Other than that there’s the many scars and deep red tattoo’s.

The general impression is thus. “???”

For tieflings it is this… uncanny effect. He looks like a tiefling, but he is not. Not that they can tell what it specifically would be either but a lot of tieflings feel this weird dread when they make eye-contact with him. (I’m sure most of the grove tieflings get over that once they get to know him but it initial instinct is run).

Tysm for the MANY questions Kellan <3

Questions are from here!

[hiswordsarekisses]

My Aunt posted this and it’s really good! I hope I remember this if I ever need it! I know when I have had problems with a racing heart (I wake up from dreams with it out of control sometimes!) I have learned that if I bear down a few times (for a good bit of time each time) it helps, so I can imagine how this coughing thing would help a heart attack!!!!!

“Have you thought about ❤️

❤️If I’m alone and have a heart attack. What am I gonna do then?

One rarely good post that can't be shared too often:

1. Pause for 2 minutes and read this:

Let's say that it's 5:25 pm and you're on your way home after an unusually hard work day.

2. You are really tired and irritated.

All of a sudden you start to experience pain in the chest, which begins to radiate into the arm and pain in the jaws, a knife in the chest and into the heart. You're just a few kilometers from the nearest hospital or home.

3. 3. Unfortunately, you don't know if you'll make it.. .

4. Maybe you've taken CPR training, but the person who took the class didn't tell you how to do it on yourself.

5. How to survive a heart attack when you're alone, because many are alone when they have heart attack and are helpless. A person who starts feeling weak and her heart beats hard has only about 10 seconds before he/she loses consciousness.

6. But you can help yourself by coughing repeatedly and very strongly! Take a deep breath for each cough, and it has to be deep and lingering, like coughing mucus from the bottom of the pelvis. You have to repeat breathing and coughing every second until you get to the hospital or until the heart starts to beat normally.

7. Deep breathing makes it possible to get oxygen into the lungs, and the coughing movements strengthen the heart and blood circulation. The pressure on the heart also helps in regaining a normal heartbeat. This way, victims of heart attack can come to the hospital to receive proper care.

8. Let's say that many others are interested in this topic. You can save your own life!!

9. Cardiologists say that if anyone who receives this message will send it to 10 people, we can expect to save at least one life.

10. Instead of posting jokes, please help save lives by copying this message.

❤️ COPY (hold your finger, on the text, and select copy, go to your own page and where you normally want to type, put finger again, and paste ❤️ YOU ❤️ MAKE ❤️ THE ❤️ DIFFERENCE 🙏❤

if this helps save one life it's worth the repost.”

[inklessletter]

Let's do this. From questions listing. txmblr co/ post/108795761380/ random-questions (had to alter the url to send) 1,6,9,11,13,14,19,22,24,34,39,44,45,46,47,48,67,71,74,75,76,84,91,99,102,104,105,106,108,109,123,132,133,134,138,145,148,149. Or all of them if you feel adventurous! 🧠🤭

Holy COW NONNIE, you're putting me to work here (my entire fault). Let's go!

1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? Wanna lick it, but I end up biting it. Everytime.

6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. I didn't want to be social during my grandfather's waking, so I dove in the book I was currently reading. It was Bram Stoker's Dracula.

9. How many all nighters have you pulled? I don't know. A lot. (and only one of them was partying, I am not a party person)

11. How many romantic "things" or "flings" have you had? Four. (I am not counting my current relationship, eleven years it's far too long to be considered a fling).

13. What is your favorite background noise? Music.

14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? Only one. I hope. I don't wanna hurt people.

19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? I wish. Well, no, wait. Not professionally I have done my things with ukulele and kalimba. And a little bit of piano when I was a child.

22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? Trust the process.

24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? Music, singing my heart out and drawing. Simultaneously. Or a good cry (often simultaneously, too).

34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? Either Kingdom Hearts or The Last Airbender's world. I would go to Hawkins to give Steve a high five, but I wouldn't stay (maybe I would try to bring him back to the future with me).

39. Name the last book you read. 'A court of thorns and roses'.

44. Do you like and appreciate your life? Yes, and every step I took to get here, even the mistakes.

45. Do you like and appreciate yourself? Not everytime, but I try to keep that positivity frequent.

46. When was the last time you cried? Last Tuesday night, when my dog got sick and I didn't know what to do to make him feel better. It broke my heart.

47. What are you scared of? Butteflies, depth of the sea (thalassofobia), and on a more trascendental side, I'm terrified of not being enough for the people I love.

48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? Oh holy shit. I kind of sang in my highschool graduation a very inappropriate song that was a hit back a the time. To the date, my fiancé just doesn't know which song it was. Top secret thing. God, the embarrassment.

67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? The Little Mermaid, and it would be Ariel.

71. What scares you most about the future? In a personal level, pregnancy and losing people.

74. What are some of your New Year's resolutions? Getting back to drawing (yay me!). (I'm already telling you that next year's is going to be making a living out of it.)

75. What is your life story in 6 words? So she decided to trust herself.

76. Describe yourself in one word. Summer.

84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. My fiancé and my parents.

91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? My worst memory is from last year, when someone who I cared about deeply and thought they were a friend publicly humilliated me using every bit of knowledge they had about me against me, to break me in purpose. They succeeded.

99. What languages can you speak? Spanish and English.

102. What ended your last relationship? I wasn't enough.

104. What is the most terrifying dream you've ever had? I want to shout to warn someone and no one listens to me, because I can't speak, or I'm invisible. It's a recurrent nightmare but I haven't had those in a while.

105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? Last year, when I started to heal from what I explained in 91. I got furious when I understood that I didn't deserve that shit (because, oh, they made me believe for a second that I did.)

106. What was the last friendship you broke? See 91.

108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? My fiancé, before he left for work.

109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? I haven't been unstressed since 2020. But I guess the last time that it got really bad was last February when I had a panic attack at work in front of my boss (was embarrassing, really).

123. What is your morning routine? Breakfast with my dog (coffee, a toast with butter, a piece of fruit, and a carrot for him). Then brush my teeth, make up, off to work.

132. What is your opinion on "going with the flow? Go with the flow unless something inside you tells you to turn away or it feels dangerous. If going with the flow means leaving your comfort zone and you're not ready for it, then don't do it. But if it feels like it's time, or might be fun, give it a shot. (PLEASE READ THIS ALWAYS IN A SAFE ENVIRONMENT)

133. Do you enjoy talking or listening? I like listening more than talking (which might sound silly and dishonest since I'm talking A LOT in this post).

134. When is it time to end a friendship? When you can't trust that person anymore, or it is harming you to keep that friendship alive. Distancing is normal, people change, goes different ways. But keeping someone in your life when you know that they're bad for you is a mistake, in my experience, at least.

138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? Last Friday, with my mom.

145. What is your opinion on second chances? I believe in second chances, but in certain situations and environments. I believe in second chances when they've learned their lesson and changed, and worked for it. I don't believe in second chances when the differences between both parties are irredeemable. Second chances are asking for flexibility, and that should come both ways.

148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? Buy that tablet. Now.

149. How organized are you? I am a mess of a person (but I try not to).

-- If you want to play this little game, go ahead and send an ask!

[dea-certe]

You know, every time I prove that Calories In, Calories Out weight loss is bullshit, I'm always amazed at how people in my life are shocked. I'm also surprised by how many people call bullshit on it and tell me I'm lying.

So, my job had this yearly thing they do where they give out points (which can then be used for things like e gift cards or various things like jewelry, furniture, kitchen ware, electronics, basically anything you can think of) if you sign up in this app which you input your food, water, exercise, and weight. Keeping those metrics within a certain threshold (like enough water, enough daily steps) gets you more points. I (like most people) like the rewards because they can be used for real world dollars (you can get prepaid Mastercards with like 10, 20, 50 loaded on it). So I usually always participate.

And since I started on anti depressants, my weight has slowly increased until plateaued at 160-165. In the last 6 months, I haven't gone below 160 once. Until today. And the only change I made was to add an extra 400-600 calories a day. Basically, I started eating snacks in between meals. We get 2 15 min breaks during the day in addition to our lunch breaks and I used to use those to sit back and scroll online, but in the last week, I've started eating snacks while I do that. Granted, they are "healthy" snacks, but I've always loved veggies and so adding some peas and carrots and tomatoes and salads to my daily eating isn't really a huge sacrifice. I actually love those.

And it's only been a week, but I just weighed myself to add to my weekly updates and found that I only weighed 150. Now, I am on the low weight side of my monthly cycle, but I usually only go down to 160-162. So I've obviously lost weight by adding more calories.

Now, here's where things get shitty. The app we use shares our updates with everyone else. And I have gotten a few nasty comments about how I must be lying about what I eat because there is no way I increased calories and lost weight. And like, science does not agree but these people are so entrenched in their world view of CICO that they can't possibly accept anything else. And like, a look at their pages shows their BMI scores are similar to mine (I'm only 5 feet tall, so my BMI score says I'm horribly overweight, but I've never cared about that because BMI is so obviously bullshit, but of course the app we use uses it as part of the measure of our health) and they're eating like 800-1200 calories a day mostly. And I'm eating 2000-2500. And apparently doing that while losing weight is just such an affront to these people, that they have to assume I'm lying.

And of course I just ignored them and moved on because one should never feed the trolls, but it just struck me as like so on brand with our ulture around health and weight that these people felt no qualms about calling me a lying bitch because what my updates show threatens their entire sense of self. I've seen it before when I've mentioned that in order to lose weight (as so many of my coworkers talk about because our job is mostly sedentary and a majority of the people I work with are "overweight" women and until a year ago when I started anti depressants, I was barely able to break 110 on a scale so they assumed I must be the pinnacle of health despite the fact that pictures of me from then scare me because I looked like I was majorly ill because I was so skinny) you have to eat more often to get your metabolism to wake the fuck up and stop assuming you're starving from lack of resources and so it needs to hang on to every inch of fat and energy it can get.

And that is just so much the opposite if every diet industry advice that people get mad when that advice works.

Anyway, sometimes I butt up against the diet industries brainwashed victims and I am struck by the weirdness of it all.

[nathank77]

8/27/24

9:56 a.m

I did sleep but not great. I fell asleep somewhere between 11 and 12. I woke up at 4:10 a.m. I peeded and laid there for a hour trying to sleep..I had to eat a protien bar bc I got hungry. I prob fell asleep around 5:30 or 6 a.m according to my tv sleep timer. I barely got 6 hours.

I am meeting with Mike today and idk what to even talk to him about at this point. Why bring up the facial twitch from over a week ago? I almost don't even want to bring up Graves eye disease bc he may give me more anxiety about it. I don't want to talk about white mulberries bc then he is going to go into risky behavior and it'll just make me mad..

I'm fucking upset cause I'm so fucking alone. I'm fucking mad bc I swipe right on so many girls and none of them swipe back. I'm sick of the same hauntingly useless grind. Wake up, hallucinate all day, maybe attend therapy or go grocery shopping, be alone, swipe and never get a match, panic about sleep. And then rinse and repeat.

I don't have a soulmate. I don't have a life partner. I ain't going to find someone. I ain't going to have children ever. Life is just pointless. I think my only purpose is to have an effect on people once I'm dead.

When they read my words. Watch my videos. Then I'll have an affect on people. Maybe in my death I can change some perspectives. And then Kristen will lose her license. That's a sure thing. Maybe then she will feel bad for what she let happen to me due to her negligence.

My purpose here is to rot alone. If I never got psychosis I'd still feel the same but I'd have more hope. I wouldn't have wasted a year almost melting alone in sadness and hallucinating.

I don't believe my body will ever recover. I don't believe there will be a day I can hear silence again. So I have nothing to hope for but some stupid video game coming out in Oct in which I need to buy a whole new console just to play. What's the point? That's a stupid thing to look forward to and all I've got. I got to spent like 500-600$, to play said game bc it doesn't come out on xbox.

That's all I got.

October is coming. And that marks a year since my brain broke and I don't feel I've made too much of a recovery. So why make it to year 2 or 3. I bet I'll be saying the same thing. Sitting alone in my room (if I'm lucky and my mother is still Alive and I'm not homeless.) Panicking about sleep. Wondering if I'll ever hear silence again. Entirely completely alone. No dating prospects. No prospects for a future.

I hate to say it but I'm almost 35. I'm about to be 34. And I haven't been married once. I don't have a single kid. What am I doing with my life? Absolutely nothing. I'm never going to be an anyone or go anywhere.

The only places I see will be on a TV screen. I'll never see the grand canyon or anything in real life. Like niagra falls. I doubt I'll even be afforded one vacation in the state of CT in an airbnb.. I'd have to have someone to go with.

I don't see a future. I see nothing but the world saying give up already. It ain't going to get better. It's already over. Pull the trigger before Kristen wins the case and your suicide has no effect on anyone at all. And you disappear as if you never existed. They won't take the words of a crazy person over someone with 2 kids, a business, and someone who has multiple Jobs.

My suicide is the only way I'll win the case. With her negligence, she erased me. She made my word mean nothing bc they are nothing but the rambling of a "psychotic" person.

[callialire]

A Comprehensive (But Not Exhaustive) Lists of All My Flaws

It's like there has always been too much of me.

I have too many clothes that I definitely don't wear, but how can anybody expect to give up my sophomore yearbook shirt, it's a fundamental part of my history, it's fibers have practically molded themselves to my bones. No, I don't care that I haven't worn it since 2019, what if I wake up in 2025 and that t-shirt is the only thing I want to wear, but instead, it's rotting in a Goodwill bin, because nobody else cares that much about high school year book t-shirts. What do I wear then?

I talk too much and too loud about things that people don't care about but if I don't say it right now, I'll choke on it, I swear. What if I die and those words are stuck in my throat and I can never change your mind and you never think of me when somebody tells that same joke? (Also I'm one of literally 40 people that crush and bend and fold ourselves into a single dining room every major holiday, if I don't yell, I may as well not speak, and as previously mentioned, that would do some serious damage to my ego.)

And speaking of ego, it's just another thing in me that has overgrown and like my front lawn, I have neglected to cut away the dead parts. So, it's wild and untamed and untended, probably full of bugs and weeds. I am the most important, I am the smartest in the room, I am the funniest, the best dressed. (False.) I do try the hardest, I can't stop, God knows I've tried. I care about other people and I tell myself it's for them, but I know the truth of it all. It's for me, I have to water the grass, I don't care that it's reaching my knees and the HOA keeps sending letters threatening to fine me over it. I don't care that it's dying and it's starting to smell like death too.

Moving away from the metaphorical (and incredibly tangled) ball of yarn I have become, I cannot stop buying things I don't need. I tell myself I will get organized, I just need another clear plastic bin to place on another bookshelf. If my dresser matches the frame of my mirror, I'm more likely to put my clothes away, right? If my desk has little porcelain cups for all my pens and paper clips, I'm definitely not going to avoid working for 6 days straight. I don't fold my laundry right away so I lose my socks all the time, and I don't even wear socks like 9 months out of the year, but I definitely need more before it's winter because the ones I wore last year all have holes in them because I wear shoes less than I wear socks and I'm outside all the time. If there's a special event, I need a pair of high heels, perhaps a dress to go with them, because all of the dresses I buy eventually end up in a bag that sits in the back of my car because I never wear dresses except when there's somewhere to go, and these tend to be one off occasions so I really don't need that pastel mini dress or the bright pink heels I bought to go with it, until I do and it turns out, I sold the dress at a garage sale last summer and I only made 6 bucks off it, even though it cost me 50.

Which brings us back into the metaphor of it all, because Net Loss of 44 Dollars Made with Good Intentions should really be the title of my autobiography. I won't elaborate on that right now, but you should know that it makes perfect sense.

It's never quiet enough, but in the same breath, it's too quiet and I'm too nervous that something is wrong. I have forgotten how to exist outside of myself and I am worried, deeply, that something in me is fundamentally wrong. Because there has always been too much of me and it has never been enough.

[emmascupoftae]

About Me

�� Hello! Here's a little bit about me. ❥ Name: Emma ❥ Age: 22 ❥ Birthday: November 6, 2001 ❥ Pet: I have a cat named Tanner, he's fluffy ❥ Personal: I identify as female (born female) and my sexuality is pansexual. ❥ I'm OT7 but I have biased Taehyung since listening to BTS. ❥ I'm a scorpio, my rising sign is gemini & my moon is cancer. I love astrology, but I'm new. ❥ I'm into witchcraft and love nature, swimming,& trees especially. ❥ I work in health care and I just finished the beginning of my studies to become a nurse. ❥ I have been forever single (unless you count kindergarten, maybe that was my peek haha). ❥ I struggle with mental health and health issues I have avoided (hard to get heard in health care though I work in it I recognize this).

❥ Why i write:

I have loved reading since the summer before sixth grade. I started loving writing in seventh grade when my class did a creative writing class, In grade eight poetry learning was the catalyst for fic writing. I started reading fanfics on wattpad way back in sixth grade and from there, it was history haha.

Then I realized how much I liked writing and reading because I would do it everywhere. In the car being driven to school, shopping, and at all waking hours and sometimes (most of the time) neglecting sleep. I always loved watching movies, both my parents were big movie watchers while I was growing up. This was the same case for music and I have an expansive music taste that spans so many differing genres.

I like to think this all came about because I consumed so much media, music, movies, books, and the early 2000's internet. That I birthed a love for drawing from the youngest age I can remember and from there, I have always wanted to express my emotions and experience of being human. I love nature the most, it keeps growing and evolving. The passion I have for wanting a fantasy world to manifest around me and take me in has been a long yearning I've chased my entire life so far and I can say that it is my biggest motivator and inspiration.

The only dream I have had since my teens that I could count on was my want to write a novel one day. Something about speaking that out loud on new years in 2016 is deeply rooted in the incessant need to one day bring to life a story that depicts the way that I view life.

I am passionate about helping others, but most importantly I strive to create a place to express the intricacies of human emotion in a way that I yearn will resonate with others and make them feel heard and understood. I want to allow people to have a safe space to feel included in relatable feelings that encompass human emotion.

I know I have a long way to go to polish my writing but I have set new goals to bring out my creativity as it is something I would be devastated to lose. If you resonate with this support me by giving my writing a shot and help me to reach my goals by letting me know if my writing sparks feelings in you. I'd really appreciate it!

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/12/24

11:13 p.m Updated

So I made it to my testosterone shot thankfully, as yesterday I was 10 minutes late to my doctor appt and they made me reschedule. If I lose my primary care I'm going to have so many issues between my insomnia script and my biweekly testosterone shot. I'm really thankful I got there with 5 minutes to spare.

I also lost track of time yesterday bc I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I was 20 minutes late to my appt with Mike... he texted me and offered me 6:30 after I didn't show up for 6. I showed up at 6:27 and he didn't show up... I waited 27 minutes... either way today I made my obligations. I met with Mike too for the first time in like a month. After yesterday him leaving me hanging and pretending not to get my texts. I prob shouldn't see him but what am I supposed to do? Danielle was all about countertransference.... and finding a therapist as a transguy is tough. I write it in my emails and I can send 10 and only one person responds to me so whatever, it is what it is.

I called Eye Doctors around town and 2 out of 3 said they measure each eye individually. The other said both at the sametime. I called my eye doctor, I lied and said I got their script from an online eye wear place and I got headaches... I said it could either be the script or that the glasses were made incorrectly. Luckily my insurnace will cover a retest within 30 days of getting your script. I'm scheduled for the 19th and I will make sure they do both eyes separately before I take my ray bans off hold. And I'll update the script with the accurate test results. For now I'll just wear my distance glasses. I'm going to keep them bc of the shape and style for gaming and driving... if I got them updated as progressives they would be 304$ cause they won't let you pick clear lenses in this frame, you got to pick transitions and the most expensive one... it's ridiculous cause I love these frames... so my ray bans will be progressive pending my new test on Tuesday....

I worked on a few things I've been putting off, I called my capture card place and gamestop. The capture card place will replace it refurbished but only give me a month warranty as I am officially out of warranty but I called in December and it saved my ass. I called game stop and my warranty for the same capture card ended March 9th. Psychosis and my circadian rhythm make accomplishing things very difficult.... The manager at gamestop sent an email to try to remedy the situation as I went in store in December and tried to replace it or get a refund. I have a 2 year warranty that just expired. I explained that I have psychosis and I've been having issues getting stuff done. He is going to try to replace it or give me my 79$ back.. it would be more ideal... as a refurbished with a month warranty isn't ideal... but I have one of two options. I have to wait until Monday to hear back from Gamestop before I make the decision to either send it back to EVGA or accept whatever gamestop will give me.

I had months to call and I couldn't cause I'm always overwhelmed and stressed because I have to simulate my auditory cortex with pod casts or mindless TV like The Simpsons with heavy dialogue just to not hear the voice. I used to work in silence... like to focus I would sit in complete silence and do my stuff. Now I must always have constant chatter on in the background to avoid hearing the voice... hearing how repetitive it is drives me crazy. However listening to mindless chatter in the background even as I write this drives me crazy cause I can't focus the way I want to.

Not to mention I have constant doctor appts and a fucked circadian rhythm. I generally have 1 hours and 30 minutes a day with the time I wake up... and if a doctors appt is during that time which i have therapy 3 days a week. It gives me like 20 minutes to call a place.

I really want to kill myself after reading about recovery rates. I'm considered in remission... "Remission" is defined as symptomatic but functioning in a social/occupational/taking care of yourself type of way. Basically it's someone who hallucinates, but is firmly gripped in reality. You can't be delusional... and you have to be able to take care of yourself, shower, eat, cook, shop, drive, make appts, have fulfilling social relationships, have a job etc...

I don't have a job and likely never will. If I could stop having ocd I'd work with kids. I'd be able to do it with the voice. I can't with my ocd and psychosis. Either way I am in remission as I meet all criteria.

Remission is depressing and when you look at graphs, a lot of people are in Remission...

Recovery is a different beast.. it's having no symptoms. When you look at these charts, my percentage of actually not hallucinating one day is about 24% in 6 months, 26% in 12 months, 39% in 24 months. It doesn't seem promising.

I have "fulfilling" relationships. It's funny. When you have friends and you're single, you feel more alone. Hanging out with Charlotte Saturday, Marcy after Charlotte left (cause I didn't get a real birthday party), hanging out with John Monday over mic playing FC4 was not fulfilling. I hallucinated much less but I felt alone. They all have partners. I'm lacking companionship. I'm lacking someone to hug, hold hands with, share all my most intimate secrets with, someone to trust to have always be there for me.

I've been in support groups for voice hearers and everyone is more crazy than me. Everyone has schizophrenia and schizoaffective, etc. They see more, hear more and are all on antipsychotics.. most have tardive dsykinesia. No one is like me. I'm the odd one out who has to be sensitive about antipsychotics bc everyone is on them. Everyone is eccentric. I feel like I don't belong.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like my chance to recover could take anywhere from 3 years to 10 years and I may never not hallucinate.... it may be that I am in remission for the rest of my life... I will never take antipsychotics I don't want negative symptoms, movement disorders, seizures, and I don't want to have 30% of my life shortened....

So here I stand, in remission. Wondering if full recovery is possible when I feel so fucking unfulfilled with everything I have in my life. No one likes my face enough on these dating apps to even get to know me..

As i talked to John. Marcy. Charlotte I felt this hollowing aloneness. I'm not like you. You have fulfillment. You don't have secrets that will make sure no one ever loves you or stays. You're not like me.

Until I find a partner I'm going to feel this way. Which I likely won't.

Until I actually recover I will never feel at peace. If Kristen keeps her license I'm actually going to commit suicide.

If Kristen does lose her license if my life doesn't get more fulfilling I'm going to kill myself.

I don't think there is any point in fighting. Yet I keep doing it and idk why.

All I know is I have to report Kristen before I end my life. She doesn't get to take mine without at least having a red mark on her perfect record.

Antipsychotics aren't even considered on this chart cause 99.99% take them... and I won't. But yea it's pretty disappointing. I'm depressed and I don't see much of a point in trying. I got to at least submit my paperwork before I do it.

I don't believe in soulmates. I don't believe there is someone out there for me. I don't believe I'll be anything or even have a somewhat satisfying relationship with anyone.

Once I get news of kristen license I'm ending my life. Especially if she gets to keep it. But idk how many more disappointing months I can live like this. I've talked to 2 people who had thc induced psychosis who didn't take antipsychotics they heard a voice the whole time and recovered within 1 year and 6 months that's all I got for research from people like me.