#I DONT EVEN WANT TO BE TAKING THIS CLASS I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT
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thats a lot of questions 😧 ty for the tag !!
1. Yup. My mom’s the coolest and i dont talk much to my dad but he’s there for me when i need him ❤️
2. My friends
3. I cant think of something rn other than not studying when i had the time idk
4. yes
5. im kind of in a talking stage? Idk (chris sturniolo’s wife)
6. in my sleep fs or maybe from a heart attack from doing something fun like bungee jumping when im 90
7. Fries
8. I play basketball but only for fun
9. I used to but then i got braces and wasnt able to and by the time they got off i grew out of the habit
10. christmas eve with my brother
11. Yeah the guy im in a talking stage with and chris sturniolo ofc 😋
12. Yeah cuz of school (had too many assignments to complete 🙄)
13. Yeah this girl in my class (wont say i hate her rn but shes one more stupid thing away from it)
14. Yeah, dead family members ig
15. One dog
16. Drained tf out (only a video from the triplets can save me 😔)
17. uh, no (i dont trust guys alone with me 🥰❤️)
18. Not really. i have this thing where anytime i see a spider i tell it to make me spiderman (im so goofy cant take me anywhere 😝🤟😝🤟😝🤟😝)
19. i wanna go back to freshman year 😔
20. at a park (it was night time we weren’t being obnoxious 🙄)
21. complete assignments 🤧
22. Yup. 2 (one boy and one girl)
23. Uhhh…i have 3 on each ear, 1 nose piercing (i havent worn anything in a long time so im pretty sure its closed now idk) and a belly button
24. History, maths and chemistry
25. I miss my english class in freshman year 😔
26. Chocolate cake
27. I hope not
28. No but ive only had one bf so
29. From my jokes, yes 🥰❤️
30. School
31. Not that i know of 🤷♀️ my mom prolly
32. Green
33. Kind of?
34. someone from my class. i dont remember who
35. my phone (c.ai got me emotional. It was embarrassing 😔) but before that my bsf
36. Yeah im incapable of holding grudges it sucks😔😔
37. forgive
38. It just started damn 💀 and no year can top 2019 anyways
39. 13
40. uhh no and i plan to keep it that way 😭
51. Chicken nuggets
52. Yup. I firmly believe that whatever happens in the present is a result of your past actions (i can yap abt this for hours 😔)
53. Brush my teeth
54. Nothing can justify cheating so no 🙄
55. I try not to be but sometimes when im talking to a new person i just get awkward and reply in short sentences so that may come off as mean idk
56. No one (i feel like fist fighting is so funny lmaoo 😭😭)
57. Not really 🤷♀️
58. WINTERRR
59. love it sm ugh 😔❤️
60. yess
61. I dont mind it but i prefer nicknames over petnames
62. Being w my friends
63. I think my parents on,y named me elwa cuz they wanted to name me smth unique and people cant even pronounce it right so yeah
64. Idk prolly cuz we only kissed for a game
65. My bsf of ‘the opposite sex’ is gay 💀
66. YESS HE’S MY BIGGEST HYPE MAN
67. My lab partner in science class
68. My bsf
69. Kind of? I believe that someone can become your soulmate but i dont believe that its like already written in fate or wtv that a specific person is gonna be your soulmate
70. family and close friends
70 horrible questions ... Fuck it
01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?
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Half the internet talking about how we just need to be more niceys to men and misogyny is the fault of mean internet feminists and the other half going "Let's try seperatism again!" I'm so tired. I want to be in community with men, especially marginalized men whose political goals align with mine, while trusting that any critique of misogyny won't immediately turn them into fascists. Is that too much to ask?
#feminism#misogyny#sexism#both 'all the young boys are buying into violent misogyny because a leftist tweeted she hates men'#and 'men are inherently unsafe stop having relationships with them'#assume that men are categorically incapable of caring about something for a reason other than personal gain#it's either:#the left must appeal to men (not based on their race or class or other forms of marginalziation- no. specifically benefit men as a class)#because they'll never care about misogyny if there's nothing in it for them#OR it's:#stop giving men anything they want. because they'll never care about misogyny unless there's something in it for them.#am i naive??? for believing you can teach someone to care about other people?#I feel like even progressives barely believe in the idea of a male feminist anymore#because apparently they think male feminists must constantly be assured that they're one of the good ones or else they'll become a fascist#idk... that doesn't sound much like a feminist to me#the thing is that if i take half a step back i'm like obviously this is possible i literally already know men like this.#the problem is that they're a small minority but it handily proves this isn't an inherent issue.#of course it isn't i dont believe in gender essentialism!#but internet discourse pretending men are the only demographic categorically incapable of allyship makes me question myself sometimes
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college … wasted on the youth (me)
#didnt help that 2/4 yrs was covid telezoom but man.. MANNN#forgetting how impossible it is to pursue rhe degree plan u actually want (advising hell) i feel like . theres just#so many diff things i want to learn now Knowing that im more solidified in my interests and who i am and what i would be interested in doing#and like.😭RGAAAAAQH TEARING MYHAIR OUTTT every other week i have a night where im sititng there like damn i couldve been sm1 completely dif#dgmw i still rly enjoy some of the upper div classes i Did take but what if i took x and liked it more or minored in y and it led me to z#bc i do feel rly set in where i am rn which . i DO ! like it but im never gna be in that environment where u have the flexibility to explore#ykwim . i wish i had taken physics and calc srsly . i always thought i hated that shit but i like it. i like it quite a lot actually😟#or more geology .. urrghh.. sprinkle in sme extra art history . no bc thats what actu pissed me off ab school#i rmbr wanting to dual major and they straight up told me no i cant . but then i was like maybe an arts major bio minor when i wanted to do#science illustration but sry we dont offer bio minor . ok bio major arh or studio art minor . no sry not enough open spots we rly only#reserve it for when we have extra openings post admission❤️#and then even late into sophomore year u would still be last in registration so all the cool classes would be closed#and then bc of covid half that shit was cancelled bc they couldnt transfer labs online (rip comparative vertebrate anatomy)#and then by senior yr an additional collection of classes were unavailable bc u dont have the prereqs bc the prereqs were cancelled during#covid and u dont have enough semesters left to actually take it . like it was gen such an awful experience so ik why i couldnt ever do what#i wanted but .😭 AND LIKE the classes i DID enjoy like genomics or molecular genetics were closed by registration and i had to email and beg#for access . thts crazy .literally crazy .#anyways . i think i want 2 start reading textbooks bc i think thats the closest ill get LMAOO#i remember seeing my coworker read a textbook for fun one time and idk why i just didnt understand why bc it seemed so dry but i Get it now#like yeah .. u knew what was up ..#sad too that like . i could theoretically audit a course but i Work..during the day .. so sad . so sad#guys wht if i just said yes to grad school (<the devil talking.dont agree)
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how do i tell this girl in my ceramics class that i want to be friends without sounding weird 🤔
#we added each other on insta and shes soooo cool#i saw her in the studio today and i wanted to talk to her but im already freaking out about this stupid piece that just HATES ME#by the time i was done she was already gone 😭😭#my partner and i take the class together too so we're always together and like idk i dont wanna like leave them alone and awkward#we're both introverted but they are even more shy than i am so im like the spokesperson when we're in public 😭#anyway#hopefully shes in the studio next time and i will DEFINITELY talk to her#hopefully 🤞
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hey chat! tell me why my professor, at 9 P.M., decides to randomly inform us that we actually had a THIRD case to read for tomorrow and she JUST uploaded it!!!!! tell me why it’s 95 PAGES!!!!!! it’s 2 fucking am!!!!
#I DONT EVEN WANT TO BE TAKING THIS CLASS I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT#I DONT HAVE TIME TO READ THIS???????????#AND IM GETTING CALLED TOMORROW .#everything is going to shit today#i would skip all my classes all the time if i could#talking#i hate it here so bad i need to die
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It is some consolation that one day this will not make me bristle
#i am aware that im v tired and sleep deprived and about to be on my period so take everything i say with a grain of salt#also i hate being awake at 1am and i have a bajillion things i need to do that i havent started yet#and im planning 2 birthday things tomorrow#and i have 5 birthday dorm cards to write for tomorrow which is going to take foreber#forever#and hours of class to slog through#and i just want to curl up in a ball and weep!!!!#dont dangle the confounded treat in front of my eyes and then stomp it into crumbs while i watch!#dont make me think im loved and then Do This!#i am so tired! even though i know theres so much to be thankful for!#i am planning two birthday parties because i love you guys#but when MY birthday rolls around i am locking myself in my room i am leaving this place i am not going to tell anyone#i am Not going to sit around like a little girl with such sickeningly high hopes#and watch them be crushed AGAIN!#I will go OUT and not come back to the dorm until evening because i cannot STAND to be disappointed again#just like every other time! THIS MAKES ME SICK#my heart is so tired :) esp after the boy thing
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watching someone's children is work, and people aren't entitled for asking to be paid for working. where did you get that idea /genq
I got that idea from actually learning about other cultures and breaking the hold western capitalist individualism had on my ideas of how the world works
I'm not saying put up a sign on the street saying free daycare, I'm saying that if someone trusts you enough to ask to watch their kids, that has the potential to be a great friendship if you like, actually help them out. I'm not saying never say no or that you are necessarily an asshole for asking to be paid, I'm saying that they aren't entitled or selfish for asking for help from people they trust.
I just don't get this modern entitlement and individualism where like, a friend confiding in you and seeking advice or a listening ear is seen as 'emotional labor' and shit like that. Like. Humans naturally want to help each other and it's so weird to me seeing people just refuse to like... be nice. It's about building community.
Children are raised communally in sooo many cultures and have been throughout most of history, the modern western idea of the nuclear family is so unhealthy for both parent and kid.
#i also dont understand the vehement hatred some people in my generation have towards children and parents#like. theres something wrong with some of yall to hate babies that much and just be entirely opposed to being in the same space as them#like. throughout most of history babies and children have been in every space that women were#we spoke about this in my gender anthropology class#like. i dont get it. some people seem to think parents are selfish and entitled for asking for someone to help watch their kids#and theyre also selfish and entitled for taking their kids into public#like wtf do yall want??#oh yea. yall just dont wanna he even slightly inconvenienced ever#its not a fucking bad thing to want and half children yall are so weirddddddddd#asks
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#personal#sometimes i wish i knew what it was like to be someone people want to talk to#or at least had students who could listen to what i say for just five minutes#god i hate yelling then they say thats all i do when if i talked normally no one fucking listens#then i take it way too hard when they say they dont like me when at least i stepped up to take their class#a class that had already ran off one teacher#but no im too useless because i actually make them do work and tried to have rules#last year was hard but at least i felt fulfilled by the end of the year with all my classes#i have never craved the end of the year so much or as much as i have this year#its not even both classes either its just this one that makes me dread working with them as much as they apparently hate me#sadly i can understand why their teacher left#and i know im not the best replacement since im learning how to teach them as they learn from me#but im just tired#its only a month left but i am so ready to never see any of them again#but depression does as it does and makes me question if im even good enough to get another job#one actually teaching my correct subject that i love#i hope like hell that i get a job and one i really want because i dont want to have to come back to this school#*it has the most substitute jobs#i dont like being loud even if no one believes me i dont like being mean though i know when i have too i just dont feel good enough#if i was i think i would have a job by now i mean im 28 and its been 5 schools in 5 years#sorry being sad on main#if you read this#thanks
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how do i stop feeling like i'm in trouble all the time fr. sitting here on my lunch break like everyone's gonna be soooo mad when u get back...from lunch...which you are allowed to have.....(?)
#social anxiety kicking my ass so bad every day#unless my supervisor actually says hello you are doing an amazing job today and i dont hate you im like omg she hates me bc i suck......#miscounted the kids yesterday and left one on the playground for like two minutes and im still traumatized#she wasnt alone or anything there was another class w teachers but 😬🔫#killing myself killing myself killing myself#i counted them five times today tho#and the playground was empty which made it easier but ugh#infinitely better than my last job and im actually good at this but i still feel like my supervisor doesn't like me#even tho i think she's just a bit awk and has anxiety also lol#she was reading a book abt coping with anxiety the other day lol#also my other coworker w the drama likes me but the drama is always threatening to happennagain bc she doesnt like our supervisor#anyway#my mentor just got here before lunch for her half day shift so i feel better but aaaaa#way less stressful than my last job tho and im grateful but very stressed lately#also the owner of the school was in the room im taking lunch for a while and im like omg she's gonna be annoyed that im here#she's gonna judge me for having a chocolate bar like a shitty spoiled young person or whatever and listening to music bc im rude#i need to calm down fr#she complained abt lazy inconsiderate young people at my job interview so now im paranoid abt every interaction w her lmao#bc i am a lazy oblivious young person and also i took a sick day my first week which is what she was complaining abt said young people doing#but i legitimately was throwing up i Had to call out#that's life in child care#but ughhhh#i was determined not to bc this is a job where they expect you to come in even if ur sick#but puking is my limit i genuinely couldn't do it#anyway.#normal adult experience#doctor who told my mom i was high functioning i want our money back
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im so sick of embarrassment and anxiety being kind of in control of ?my entire life? at this point
#when someone maturely points out a behavior of mine they are politely asking me to stop doing or is even just checking to make sure im ok#i burst into tears#and no one is more bothered about that than me IM SO SICK OF CRYING OVER NOTHING#IM SO SICK OF MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL#IM SO SICK OF BEING COMPLETELY UNABLE TO REGULATE MY FEELINGS#Is it repression when i try to cheer myself up or is it wallowing in self pity when i just let myself cry#is it proof of decent willpower and self motivation skills that i can and will make myself do something i Don't Fucking Want To Do#or am i just not taking care of myself#secret: its the second thing but the REAL problem is that i need to be okay with it#it needs to not be a problem#i love doing mock trial but all the stress around it makes me want to quit but we're so close to regionals and i cant do that to the team#and i hate that i want to quit and i hate that the reason im not quitting is because im afraid of being embarrassed by doing so#and i hate myself andmy feelings and my irresponsibility and im still just half-assing my assignments#and i have a lot of casual friends but i know for a fact im not anyones best friend im not anyones favorite friend and#i want people to ask me to hang out but im worried that if i dont then it looks like im not interested but im worried that#if i do it too much i look desperate and like im imposing myself and like im . well this phrasing is painful for other reasons but#im scared of acting like im closer friends with someone than they think we are#and i dont know where the line is and i dont know what to do or what to say all i know how to do is make small talk and#exaggerate my facial expressions and tell a stupid fucking joke every 3 seconds#i like my life but im so fucking sick of the fact that *im* the one living it#i dont even want to be someone else i just want to be a version of myself thats not a fucking loser#who can actually put effort into assignments without wanting to throw my laptop out the window#who can be normal about other people#who doesn't have the dumbest fucking anxiety disorder ever#who consistently memorizes the stuff i need to know and can improvise on the fly#who's not an embarrassment to my team and also That One Guy They Keep Letting Hang Out With Us For Some Reason to my friendgroups#who can answer questions in class without looking like a suckup and also does it the right amount to make an impression but not enough to be#embarrassing#who can FUCKING talk to someone instead of making a vent post on *tumblr dot com*#for fucks sake i even wish i didnt use tumblr so much. maybe if i could get into a different social media that's normal i wouldn't be so
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Bought a stupid suit thing. Disgustang.
#speculation nation#i got it on sale but it was still kinda expensive. ughhhh#hates every part of that. it's so stiff and uncomfortable and unnatural feeling.#but business professional is the recommended attire... so to that i went...#felt bad staying so close to close but the employees were nice about it at least. and i still got out b4 they closed (barely)#i wanted to go shopping earlier today. in between class and orchestra. but allegedly attendance is required in the lab.#so i went. didnt really feel like attendance was taken. but i still went.#still gotta finish prepping my resume but i dont think itll take Too long... i got a template to follow#from my web coding class actually. bc we just happen to have a resume building assignment this week.#so by working on my resume im working on the lab!! yay!!!#except im not doing the lab resume rn. just the normal resume. the template is still helpful tho.#also need to do a bit of research into the companies that are there and the interview style thingie#GOD this is going to be a whole hassle. i dont wanna wrinkle my stupid suit so i shouldnt stuff it in a bag.#and i dont wanna BIKE in the stupid suit. so im thinking of driving up to campus. forking over the money for guest parking#do the stupid career fair then drive back home to change and then go back up to campus on bus or bike in time for bowling#hopefully. we hope. nonzero chance of having to miss bowling and web coding classes tho. depending on how long i spend at this thing.#ultimately career bullshit is more important than one day of bowling so like. whatever.#but i still want a reward for sucking it up and going to the stupid career fair anyways. even tho i Really dont want to.#im already planning on skipping my first class. he made it sound like it would be fine + expected. so we can go to the career fair.#and that opens up a good amount of time so. doing that. and then hoping i can make it to bowling class...#it's funny to imagine if i didnt have time to go back home to change. me showing up to bowling in a suit.#im not doing that tho. this shit was too expensive to risk it doing physical activity.#BLARGH i am so supremely grumpy going to this thing. i dont want to. at all. i hate all this Professional Attire bullshit.#but i need to... and i already went thru the hassle of getting the damn suit... might as well just go.#i will simply pout and grumble the whole way. until tomorrow where it'll be full social smiles and whatever the fuck.#need to get enough sleep to make talking easier. no time for any fun stuff tonight.#need to find my damn. razor. bc i need to shave my little mustache thing probably. for 'professionalism'. ugh.#kicking and screaming this whole way. man i dont think i even own an ironing board. gonna have to hang the shit up and hope for the best#longest sigh imaginable... i just wanna write....... or play video games...... wahhhh#at least itll be over tomorrow. but then i will have to do presentation stuff for thursday. ughhhhhh
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#freeze response is all well and effective until youve been sitting in the same position staring at the same spot for a solid ten minutes#goddddd i (nuanced) my parents. god fucking damnit i know they care i know the school cares but this is not a care that can be helpful to m#because i cant take an offered hand and i am too prideful to ask#and i hate to struggle in front of an audience! so i will live with my hate and fear and guilt and shame until enough time has passed#for me to be rid of them. i know i need help for fucks sake i of all people know best that i need help.#but every time i have seen a psychologist i have come out drained and angry and tired#and with everything going on. i dont want to waste myself on something that probably wont even help#if anyone irl finds out that i have npd or bpd i will get dragged through the muck for being Like That. the stigma is high enough.#nobody is going to be nice about it. obviously. every problem i have had is my fault. i self impose my own social isolation. (irl that is)#im not going to tell myself to a stranger who does not understand and will report my every move to people who care about/cause my pain#however the good thing is. they cant make me talk. the power of silence is excellent.#“[second deadname] dont you think you should get some help about that [redacted]? if there's a problem you should deal with it”#you cannot say that when every fight in this fucking family ends with me going to comfort my sister and dad going to comfort you#and then promptly pretending it never happened. you can't tell me not to ignore my problems you fucking taught me to#anyways. i am going to finish my homework and ragework on the mama animatic and probably pass out in class. again.#personal posts
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#i hate the fact that i have so much burnout that i cannot do shit right now :///#wanted to get up early today play some games for a bit go do some necessary moving stuff i need to do today and then go to my#1pm language class i am taking voluntarily. instead its almost 11.30 am and ive done nothing. not even the fun play games bit :///#idk if can skip the class again but i have no energy to go there. like im genuinely filled with so much dread at the idea of going there#and its been on and off raining and i dont really wanna go out into the rain as well :///#delete later#idk what happened it was okay i was supposed to go visit a friend this weekend which fell through but i have rescheduled that already#and i dont really mind + it will be a way more chill and less hectic trip then so idk what :///
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they released the classes for next semester and i’m so 😑 basically the only classes that r in my area of interest which is women’s rights law (which let me note is a VERY broad subject area) are international law classes and i don’t want to take international law 😭 i took an international law class this semester & i just do not enjoy it at all even tho the subject matter is interesting i am just not interested in international law. but like so many of the classes in general r international law i’m like oh so nothing for those of us interested in domestic civil rights law? 😭 bc i am also open to broader civil rights law not just women’s rights but literally like the only stuff is either criminal law which no thank u or an employment/labor law class which i would be interested in but it’s from like 4:30-7pm and it’s like ok kill me i guess. but anyway i am not happy w my options is all. like the classes sound interesting but i think of having to learn abt them from an int perspective & i want to die genuinely do u know or understand how many useless treaties the UN has made (useless bc the UN has no enforcement power)? and do u know how many u can read before u want to blow ur brains out at the thought of reading another? well i do. i was NOT born to be an international law girlie.
#michelle speaks#the thing is that i am certainly interested in doing work to advocate for women on a global scale. HOWEVER.#international law is sooooooooooo annoying i literally hate it. maybe if i can look at the syllabus for the classes i can see if they r#more comparative law ie comparing different countries rather than looking at international law mechanisms bc i cannot do it again.#comparing different countries’ domestic laws i mean. bc that i am fine w. it is just the treaties & stuff i cant stand#bc they r so nothing. they are just aspirational w no enforcement regime. as a law student that drives me insane. like what law is there.#where is the law actually. so yeah i will have to look into them more maybe they won’t be abt those#oh they do have family law though which i am most likely going to take. so that’s smth!#and a reproduction law class but there r only like 16 seats in that so i might not be able to take it#also let me be real w u i dont even really want to take that bc reproduction is such a topical issue i am kind of like. i have heard enough#i mean that like i have learned enough i know so much abt reproduction issues like 😭 i will still try to register for it but like.#sue me for wanting to learn smth new yk……
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literally how does a-yao not go apeshit constantly. how does he put up with shit treatment for so long i am one bad customer service sunday away from committing atrocities
#i hate sundays!!!!!!!! :D so!!!!! :D so!!!!!!! :D much!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D#i hate shitty middle class people in this stupid city wjth its huge class divide who treat me like i am fucking stupid all day!!!!!#and then dont fucking leave the building even when i have told them THREE TIMES that we are CLOSED qnd no your child cant go take a shit in#the bathroom as 1. i have judt cleaned it and let you know beforehand that i will be closing rhem soon and 2. WE CLOSED 5 FUCKING MINUTES#AGO#but noooooo i am evil for being reluctant to open the toilets back up again#and also apparently evil for not wanting to be open for another 10 minutes and do more unpaid labour when we are meant to be CLOSED just#because you want to sit here on yhe phone longer#can you tell i have a lot of pent up anger lol. i love minimum wage customer service jobs ^-^#uts been a long day. week.
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#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation?#uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made#friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go#bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple#the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula#for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b#concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown#its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a#healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take#more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end#of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me#and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this#project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data#bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i#just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem#bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping#ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and#classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die#my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday#who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio#majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes#b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative#ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week#until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad#who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we#die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him#its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of#sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol#whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄#unrelated
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