#I DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHIGN WRONG

[fruitbasket-gossip]

you got possessed and i got everybody else sick i think - mod liechi

Uhh Dayton check like, everyone’s blogs

dude, i just woke up. not trying to do all that work. summarize for me, if you please?

-🐉

[heartmatic]

dont call me a yume im a selfshipper

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Ok i just remembered this freaky story out of nowhere. My mind totally blocked this out for so long im not sure why it just came up. basically this is the first time i ever saw true magic at work , magic of the darker variety..

basically one time in 2016 i was dating this girl who worked at the same place as me. Our boss was SOOOO cruel to me, she was mean to everyone but it was really obvious she picked on me specifically, and it only amplified as time went on. i really felt she hated me and put up with so much torment. it made my gf so mad, but there wasnt rly anythign we could do because we liked out jobs other than that one thing & we didnt want to quit

So one day she approached me all excited, she was like, "OMG *bosses name* left her hairbrush in the bathroom and i stole a bunch of her hair so i can put a binding spell on her , then she'll stop bullying you :D"

i was genuinely freaked out, i was like Um, idt you should do that, it rubbed me the wrong way. But she was a headstrong person so nevertheless she texted me later saying she did the spell.

Next day i go into work and i kid you not, i kid you fucking not, my boss was acting like a DIFFERENT FUCKING PERSON. brand fucking new. She literally was sitting there with a coffee waiting for me !! Saying some shit like "i dunno, i'm just feeling really grateful for you today *^_^*" And for the rest of the time i worked there she straight up never bothered me again, she praised everything i did, i became like her number 1 angel star. it was undeniable that something major had changed about her.

idk if it was like, karmic consequences of the spell but my relationship with the girl who casted it went soooo sour really quickly after that. within a few months we were not even on speaking terms anymore and ignored each other at work lol. Still, that was like, a crazy experience of magic that shook me up. it was so surreal, the difference in my bosses behavior was so severe and so IMMEDIATE..

I definitely dont condone that kind of work, even if she meant well and just wanted to help me, messing with people's free will is never it for me :x especially stealing the hair, i think on a subconscious level i could never trust that girl after that. Like that is just straight up conniving. Be careful with your hairbrushes and nail clippings around witchy people you guys X_X

thats my story! ive never known anyone who's been that serious about magic since then so it's the only story i have.

[boatemboys]

its so silly to me (read: help no why do ppl why) go " yeah agree with marcille that man clearlyy didn't love falin jusg the idea of her that he made up in his mind" and like just trying to make it sound like toshiros lil crush was more of an insane obsession / objectification deal when he was clearly like... he didnt even fall in love like immediately. hes "weird" abt it as in he just straight up proposes and didnt actually say anythign else because hes silly like that (autism...)

like leave him be he just thought she was cool for being fine and normal about bugs (he is tha bug liker) and also thought that she was rlly nice like her voice and how she treated others... girly (toshiro) did not fall for falin just to like elope and have sexy times with her or whatever !!! 26 yr old man first crush !!! like let him live +--#+#-$! sorry for the long ask he is just the silly. living in my mind rent free

he is silly ur right........... i do kind of (key words KIND OF) get what people mean cuz like. yeah it is a little weird for a guy to ask to marry you before even a relationship. but. there is this great and wonderful thing. called CONTEXT!!!!!!!!!!! it genuinely feels like theres a collection of dunmeshi fans who actually havent read it and like it based off of panels they see posted out of context. i was scrolling thru his tag earlier and i saw someone asking does he even like bugs or was he just obsessed with falin? HE LIKES BUGS!!!!!!!!

look at him. little guy. and i think the objectification thing comes from falin boob scene probably? cuz hes staring. but its been blown like wayyy out of proportion to the point where if u werent in fandom u would think hes an acutal creep. ive said it before but i think the toudens vs toshiro is infantalized autism vs demonized autism. with falin specifically its how everyone sees her as this helpless girl and i would say making toshiros attraction to her creepy too? and then marcilles attraction cute because women are also infantalized so its not CREEPY SCARY MAN!!! its cute girl :). but this isnt about that.

i think theres also this thing about the proposal. that i havent had fully formed thoughts about. but. i think its once again a thing about looking at dunmeshi with an exclusively western lens. because YEAH from a western lens a man you arent super close with proposing to you out of nowhere. weird. but for toshiro im pretty sure thats. not entirely "normal" per se but a bit less weird for sure? HOWEVER i need to look more into things before saying anything concrete.

theres also some people who think he hated laios for the same reasons he loved falin which i think. is wrong. to some degree! i can kind of understand as i guess on a very surface level laios is like falin x100 but if u read with ur eyes actually open i do think theres more than enough differences for this to be a little dumb. idk it makes me feel actually insane we must work together to defeat all toshiro haters

[ganondoodle]

something thats been driving me crazy is the constant worry that i am somehow using harmful stereotypes for the characters i write

like i am unfortunately white tm and me also being autistic and queer does not erase that obviously, im always trying to educate myself as best as i can, yet i feel like im always doing something wrong

its less of a problem when im working with the normal forms of hylia and demise since they are not really human, and though their humanoid disguises technically are still not human they do represent what they might have looked like if they grew up as one; i didnt want to make demises form too dark since i felt like it would perpetuate that stereotype of dark skin = evil which is already not great about ganondorfs character design, but didnt want to make him too light since i felt it would erase that part of his connection to ganondorf altogether and make it all the worse, but then again my demise isnt actually that evil, hes good at heart, so making him too light then would be even worse bc it would imply that light = good thing again

for hylia im even more anxious about it bc i intentionally gave her very dark skin to kinda subvert that light = good thing with zelda (tho in my AU the gods are not good and hylia isnt actually as loyal to them as it may seem bc she knows that.. which i feel complicates things just further; and also light an dark is just a very good contrast aesthetically?) but then i also like to intentionally make characters rather ?gender? but then i worry her being somewhat masculine would also be sth harmful bc i know black women are often treated as inherently less feminine .. which isnt my intention at all (tho my hylia .. doesnt rly have a gender? idk many characters i like to write/design dont have anything specific, like what more do you need than knwoing the right pronouns to call them?? qnq) her being rather cold and ruthless also feels like im doing something bad somehow

then theres the whole sexualization worry, i dont know if im doing that in a bad way bc honestly i just like .. drawing ...bodies? aesthetically? like yes they are very sexy but also wheres the line, am i somehow overstepping it without knowing?? how can i recognize what is normal 'finding certain things pretty or sexy' and what isnt??

so far i dont remeber anyone pointing anythign out as bad which im taking as a sign that i cant be doing that badly .. hopefully, maybe all this is a very stupid thing to worry about and its obvious to everyone else but i am so god damn afraid of doing something even slightly questionable and being hunted down for it (probably bc similar happened to me when i was a teen and it was about an absolut non issue, literally, so even the thought of doing something actually bad is mind boggling to me bc that other thing nearly cost me my life and i literally dont know how i survived and i would 100% not if it happened again..)

this is probably a very chronically online thing too but hoenstly i needed to get it out of my head for once

[nickolox]

((( long ramble post)))

trying to figure wtf is going on with your own mental health without the help of a professional + having a mental illness that already fucks with the way you perceive things (ocd) is genuine hell

like, I HAVE a psychiatrist, but he's fucking. awful and always puts medications first over like, figuring out what the fuck is going on

and everything about this whole procedure just feels like, off???

tldr: local man questions if he has The Dissociative Disorder™ whilst being simultaneously given red herrings and blatantly obvious eye opening signals at the same time, and has the same realizations 30 times over because i am in a constant cycle of denial, forgetting and then rediscovering this bullshit

so to put it in a nutshell most of my psychiatrist discussions about the big disorderly things go like this:

psych: so what are you experiencing me: i keep like, having these massive gaps in my memory, where i have no idea what happened or what i did or anythign for hours and hours at a time, and i looked up what that means and its apparently called dissociating? what does that mean? psych: right, that's a stress response. me: yeah, That makes sense. But I've also been unable to remember major events like my sister's wedding or my graduation... psych: well... obviously you were just anxious lol me: *remembers the photos i have as the only proof i have that those events happened, and im smiling in all of them* maybe?? i mean, it didn't seem like that was the case. psych: (completely ignores that) hmmm. okay. anyways- me: also I've been hearing voices??? psych: where? externally or internally? me: internally psych: (visible relief) oh thank god i was concerned it was schizophrenia for a moment, having an internal dialogue is normal :) me: i can't control the voices though, and they don't sound like my own voice in my mind. they're distinct, and it's not like my OCD either. psych: that's normal, sometimes people just imagine things ^_^

so, it was "anxiety" the first time, came back. told him this shit is still happening, and then he blamed it on my medications, and now i'm on a new set, which i suppose needed to happen anyways?

But like, he told me that brain fog and memory loss are a thing with prozac (what i was taking before) and i was like "huh no one told me that" to which he said "well no one says the full list of side effects because no one would want to take the meds otherwise"

i get home, i look up the fucking manual that comes with prozac when you go on it for the first time, and no where. NOWHERE. is this shit on that list of side effects. i look up a list of the side effects, dozens of sites, NOTHING!!!!

I speak with my bestie and he reminds me that,

I dealt with these problems prior to going on medication (something i didnt even remember, lol)

it has literally nothing to do with anxiety bc he himself has crippling anxiety and deals with none of the shit i do

i'm going to shit bricks dude what the fuck is wrong with my stupid brain, it feels like such a wild challenge compared to when i found out about my OCD, like, dude at least with that bitch it was consistent, it was 24/7. as shit as that was at least I knew it was always there, always there to be a bitch, but undeniable none the less.

This current mystery disorder is like, oooOOOooo i'm going to be here SOME OF THE TIME!!! to make you DOUBT it exists!!! and im sitting here like, is this a symptom or is this my ocd fucking with me bro

i feel like i might have some kind of dissociative disorder, but the problem I'm having is that it's not CONSISTENT??? like, some days I'll be like yeah this is the dream and then other days I cannot physically do anything, remember jack shit, feel like my soul is leaving my fucking body all god damn day?

why do people always talk about alters too, it's like, the one thing I don't experience, or at least, the one thing that's rare enough to not hinder me like the actual dissociation problems.

I feel like I can't be certain, and that sets my OCD off, because my brain goes "what if we're faking- what if you're overreacting" which in turn makes me go. insane. I am going insane.

there is sooo much more i could say, but i just realized it;s half past midnight. I should um. probably go to bed.

Goodnight.

[yasminewestbank]

my school friends (who r my only friends) kicked me out of our groupchat

they didnt ask me to clarify anything they didnt talk to me they didnt let me know

i know they talk abt me behind my back and i feel like they all fucking hate me

i want to tell them youre insane youre fucked in the head israelis are insane

this is just fucking bullying and i cant handle this

i dont deserve this. i fucking dont. i dont deserve being hurt like this. i didnt do anythign fucking wrong. i was never mean to you. especially over ur political opinion. even if i thought and think ur political opinion is immoral i was never mean to you

[awesamcozy]

Hey man, can you kill yourself for that recent post?

I DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHIGN WRONG THIS TIME

[pinkwizardd]

blah blah

my dad thinks maybe my sleeps just fucked up. i went to get him taco bell today and although i didnt cry yesterday i broke down on the way home tonight like ugly sobbing. i feel like i am never going to feel good again, i feel like i did when i was using. whenever i feel even slightly rejected it's like i'm being stabbed and pulled under the ground. i guess maybe we are out of the honeymoon phase or maybe i am just looking for any available indication that he is going to turn on me at any moment. gee, i wonder why. but i dont know what the source of this overall depression is, i feel really severely not well. i feel like i can distract myself for a little while, but with any minor trigger or once the distraction is lost i am back feeling hopeless and alone. it feels like nobody around me is real. i cant find the words to explain. i dont want to be truly vulnerable at all.

i want to write something or make something or anything to get me out of this hole but just like when i was using, abandoned and abused, a raw open wound isolated and impotent, i have nothing worthwhile to say. i am not one of those people who can make meaning out of their suffering. i am scared that i lack resilience, but i think of my parents and hope they passed some on to me. instead of a raw open wound i feel like a festering one, sort of oozing and untended, desperate for proper attention, for me to do something about it. nobody can help me cause i have to do it myself. i hate this feeling like nothing i do matters and no matter what i do it wont get better. i hate feeling suspicious and resentful toward people who arent actually doing anything wrong to me as far as i can rationally tell. lmao even in that sentence the qualifier of "as far as i can rationally tell" gives away how intense my paranoid awful thoughts are that i cant fully trust anything in front of me. i cant trust and i cant do what i did before. throw myself out in the open to be hurt however the other person felt like it. i've lost that. i'm not so naive anymore. and i've been conditioned to repress things and hide my feelings in order to try to keep someone happy and close to me. i dont want to do that anymore. it hurts me.

i am overly sensitive and react very badly to pretty normal innocent things. i perceive my reaction as wrong and unjust so i tell myself no that's bad you shouldnt feel that its wrong and i turn it in on myself. i cant hold it in so i just cry and cry and cant say whats wrong because i've lost the plot from sheer overwhelm. like i dont even remember why i cried on the way home. i just couldnt stop it from happening. i was going to go to bed at 3 but i'm too angry and sad to sleep over something that shouldnt matter. i still feel like a stupid slighted loser being lied to and gaslit and devalued. i feel ashamed and anguished reminded in these feelings of times like a phone call years ago where i lashed out in actually rightful paranoia and was treated like i was crazy and irrational. i remember asking a lot if they were laughing at me on speaker with their stupid friend because i felt so foolish and broken down. it all made me feel so stupid and awful.

i am scared to change and exhausted. maybe i should just try to talk to him about it as honestly as i can, try to find a therapist, do something different. but i keep going back to the same patterns thinking i'll make it work, because that's what i do, because i am an addict. i am a dry drunk and i just want to feel good. all i've tried to do for a long time, desperately, is to feel good. and look where thats fucking got me!!!!!

i am so angry and sad and rejected i dont want to do all my normal distractions but its not like i wanna fucking do anythign else either. i just want it to be fixed and good and whole. i dont want to be this fragile ugly non-person anymroe

[how-gross]

She always makes it about her. Her. Her. Her. I’m sick of it. I hate her so much. I hate her for doing this to me.

[trunkzbriefs]

you rlly are NOT vaalid unlessyou laugh at something ur dad says and then remember why you hate him like 2 seconds later

[deadgrantaires]

i think im getting. more frustrated bc it still feels like theres a lot of things i have to do (like get back to long term dis@bility and stuff) but like. idk that any of that shit is super duper pressing? like... they already dropped the ball... i shouldve gotten paid almost 2 months ago and didnt... i dont think waiting 2 days... or even til next week... is actually gonna fuck me up that bad. like these things are important to do and as soon as they can be but... its more pressing to get some food in the fridge ready for myself than it is to be worrying and stressing over having called and been unable to reach anymore this mornign so i went back to bed about it instead of calling for another half hour... i dont think i did anythign wrong.... like i AM DISABLED. my inability to STAY AWAKE IN THE MORNING AFTER I GET UP... IS SOMEHTIGN HUGELY AND ONGOINGLY EFFECTING ME LOL. and like i have to answer all their questions but i dont think they can actually DO anythign until they recieve the documents from my pcp which they arnt getting until mid oct bc thats the soonest i can see her... BC SHES ON MATERNITY LEAVE!!! and im DONE dealing with this clown shes got as her replacement... and my case manager KNOWS that i TOLD HER THAT if it was an issue she wouldve clued me in on it!!

i just need to get through tonight. i just need to make sure that tomorrows going to be a better day than today. and w/e else falls through the cracks is inconsequential it doesnt fucking matter if i dont shower tonight or i dont call until monday. im fully aware of the vague deadlines im working around and truth of the matter...my world has shifted more from “deadlines” to “waitign around survival mode.” there ISNT much i can brute force my way into happening. i only see my pulmonary monthly. i cant see pcp for 2 weeks. i cant make the dis@bility people pay me any faster.

and on that note. i am going to prepare future rory some more food for the end of the week bc he had a really shit day and i think he deserves to have something to look forward to

[clouffymovedd]

this is so fucked up ellis is so evil to me i didnt even do anythign wrong 🥺🙄🙄

[zmayadw]

Hello to all :)

Time for the next part!

Wish you all a wonderful evening! :)

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 13

We continued enjoying our time, as Aurora got more crowded with people. At some point Cleo showed up, coming to say hi to us, as she was here to meet with Hannah and the others . She had one drink with us before going to sit with them, telling how she is bussy helping her mom at the Gates of Hope with redecorating and other stuff, but she hopes all will be done soon, so we can finaly meet in peace. As it got more crowded with people, Phil was busy and also didnt have much time to have fun with us. Jessy was in a quite good mood, joking and drinking, it was nice seeing her like that.The music playing was good. There was a mixture of everything, from 80's till present day. A song started and Jessy grabbed my hand „Ohhh, lets dance, Maya, i love this song!“ I had no chance to say anything, as Jessy lead me half way to the dance floor already. She started dancing, and i couldnt do anythign but join her. And we had fun. I needed this, i tought, just some simple fun with good friends. Dan joined us from time to time, showing off his killer dancing skills. Phil was passing by us few times, going to one of the booths or tables, always winking at me with that devilish grin of his. One of the times, as Jessy and me wer dancing Phil came from behind me, wraping his free hand arround my waist and squeezing agains me. We just moved with the rhythm of the music for a while, before he groaned at my ear „Arghh, as much as i would love to stay here with you gorgeous, but work is calling.“ I grined at him, as he let go of me slowely „Aww, next time then.“ As much as i liked it, i hoped Jake didnt see this. I wouldnt want him to get the wrong idea about Phil and me. I really wanted to know where i stand with him, but this noncomunication between us wasnt helping. Lily told me to be patient, but as i told Jessy, my patiance is running short. I leaned to Jessy telling her i need to go sit down for a while, and we returned at the bar. Dan and Thomas wer there talking, and both got up from the stools letting us sit as we came. Thomas smiled at us „You two really got it going on tonight.“ He turned to Dan saying teasingly „You better be careful,man, and keep her close to you“ He pointed at Jessy „They wer smoking hot on the floor, dont let someone steel her.“ Jessy grined at Thomas „Let him sweat a little, he might appriciate me more then.“ „Awww, babe, dont be cruel, you know i appriciate you.“ Dan told her, being dramatic as always, making a puppy face. „Ohh, shus it, you big goof, and lets dance.“ She told him, taking him by the hand to the dance floor. Thomas turned to me „So, can i presume all is good between Lily and you now?“ „I guess you can.“ I told him, and he smiled „Thats good to heare.“ A waiter came with two drinks, handing them to Thomas. „Guess then soon we can all get together again, without any drama.“ „Definatly!“ i said, smiling. He smiled back „Good. Well, have fun, Maya, see you arround.“ I waved at the waiter asking for a mineral water, i was really thursty from all the dancing. I checked my phone, it was after 3, and i noticed a missed call sign. I opened the call log, and when i saw it was another of those hidden numbers, my mood darkened all of a sudden. What is going on here, i touhgt, thess calls are starting to get me worried. Jessy and Dan returned from dancing, and i decided i had enough for the night. This thing shook me up good, and i doubted i could enjoy the evening anymore. I told Jessy i'd be going, to wich she protested a bit, but hugged me and said to call her for coffee any time im up for it. I took my things, waving them goodby. As i was near the entrance, i saw Phil, so i waved at him, he winked and made a phone gesture with his hand, suggesting we'll be talking soon.

As i left the Aurora, cool night air washed over me, so i put my jacket on. I got to my car,  just leaning on the side of it, my mind still thinking of those damn calls. They are starting to freak me out a bit, and that sinister feeling started to creep up to me again. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, when a voice said „Are you ok?“ I opened my eyes, seeing Jake standing infront of me. I managed to barely make a smile at him „Yeah, im fine.“ He was looking at me, those deep eyes scaning every inch of my face, like he knew what i said wasnt true. „Just tired, i guess.“ I added, giving him a bit bigger smile, wich seemed to make him belive me. He leaned on the car next to me, and we just stood there in silence for a while. I get restless every time im close to him, my hands itch to just grab him and pull him closer. „You look good, by the way.“ He said after a while, giving me a shy look. His words snaped me from my fantasizing, and  i smiled and winked at him „Thanks, glad you noticed.“ „Ofcourse i did, i do have eyes, you know.“ He said teasingly. I turned towards him making a gesture of bevilderment as i said „Oh my, he can joke!“ „I try my best.“ He said, smiling. Oh that beautiful smile, i tought again, making me smile, too. „You going back in?“ he asked. „No.“ I started „I'm actualy contemplating should i walk or drive back to the motel.“ „And how's that going for you?“ he asked, raising an eyebrow at me. „Well, considering im still standing here doing non of the above, i would say not good.“ I replied, sighing desperatly. He chuckled at me „Hmm, well, how about I drive you back to the motel?“ I looked at him surprised, not really expecting it „You would do that?“ He smiled shyly at me „I would“ pausing a bit, before adding „For you.“ My heart started beeting like crazy, and i could feel heet comming to my cheeks. This night really is interesting. „Umm, well, sure, i'd like that.“ I told him. „But, you dont mind walking back again?“ i asked. „No, its fine.“ „Alright then, lets go.“ I told him, taking my keys out of my purse handing them to him. Our palms touched as i gave him the keys, and our eyes met. He moved his hand slowly away, taking the key, giving me goosebumps. I barely glued myself of the car to let him get in. I got in myself as he started the car and we drow from the Auroras parking. It wouldnt take us long to the motel, and i wished the ride wasnt that short. I noticed he was driving slower then you would normaly drive, as if sharing my toughts himself. I felt nervous, my head was blank, i didnt know what to say. All of a sudden, a tought crossed my mind. „Hey, Jake, can i ask you something?“ „Sure.“ He said, sounding relieved the awkward silence got broken. „Well, i just tought, i havent had a chance to ask you before. Wern't you in some kind of trouble, if im not mistaken?“ i paused before continuing. „I mean, we never discussed it any further. And since you're here at Duskwood for quite some time now already, i was just wondering what's up with all that.“ „You're right“ he started, glancing shortly at me, focusing back on the road „Short version: lets say i made a deal with some people, making sure i'll be left at peace.“ „A deal“ i started „You didnt threaten anyone, or something like that?“ „What?“ he said, „Ofcourse not! What made you ask that?“ „Hey, its a legit question.“ I told him, rising my hands up. „You can understand why a tought like that might cross my mind.“ He was silent for a moment before saying „Ok, fair enough. But, no, i didnt threaten anyone, if that makes you feel better.“ „It does. I just dont want for things to get complex for you again.“ I said, adding after a little pause, my voice getting a bit sadder „Or you dissapearing again.“ He looked at me with such tenderness, slowing the drive even more now „Dont worry, Maya, i'm not going anywhere.“ I smiled at him „Good.“ He turned his head, focusing on the road again, and i realized we came at the motel. He parked close to my room. Neither of us was eager to leave the car, so we just sat there in silence for a moment. I had a felling he wanted to say something, but wasnt sure about it. I finaly managed to force myself to leave the car. I was about to pull the door handle, when Jake suddenly said „Wait.“ I turned towards him. „Can i ask you something now?“ „Sure“ i said, even tho i had a feeling i wouldnt really like the question. He got all nervouse, but finaly asked „You and Phil.. is there something happening?“ Oh,no,no,no, i tought, why he had to ask it. The night would end perfectly without this. I groaned pleadingly at him „Ugh, can we not talk about Phil now, please.“ „Why not?“ he asked, and i noticed his nervousness intensifing. „Because i dont know what to tell you, Jake.“ „How about the truth?“ he said. „I cant do that.“ He looked at me confused „Why not?“ „Because i myself dont know what the truth is.“ I groaned, leaving the car. He left the car, closing the door and walking over to me handing me the keys „What do you mean?“ „I mean, i'm a mess, Jake.“ I started „I dont know what to think any more. You want the truth? Fine. Yes, i like Phil, i cant denie it. We clicked, i feel good arround him, thats the truth.“  My words  stung him, and he barely managed to say „I see.“ He leaned with his back against the car, steadying himself. But i wasnt finished yet. „And then there's you, Jake“ i started, my voice full of compassion and tenderness. He looked at me, his eyes meeting mine. „I like you, too. I like you so much, that it hurts.“ I paused a bit before i continued. „Im drawn to you like a magnet, i cant pull off. But, its like, every time the magnets are about to connect, one switches polarity and the other is thrown aback. Its driving me insane! With Phil, everything flows easy. But with you, its everything but easy.“ „Maya, i know i'm not the easiest person..“ he started to say, but i held my fingers to his lips, not leting him speak.They wer so soft and warm, i had to focuse hard on what i wanted to say. „I know, its not easy for you to open up, to let people in. I get it. And i know i said i can wait, that i'll be patiente. But my patiance is fading. I dont know how much longer i can go on like this, Jake. Its tearing me up inside.“ As i said it, i leaned my forehead to his, putting both of my arms to his chest,leaning against him. We just stayed like that for a while. Being this close to him, and the warmth of his body radiating - i felt serene. His heart was beeting fast, probably matching mine. I could stay like this forever, i tought, but i needed to continue. I was waiting for this, to finaly tell him what was on my mind. „I need to know what might be of us.“ I said „If there even exists the posibility of 'us'.“ We stayed like that for a while more, non of us daraing to move or speak, before i slowely pulled away from him. I sighed „You dont have to say anything now. Just, think about what i said. You know where to find me if you want to talk.“ I leaned to him, giving him a kiss on the cheek „Good night, Jake. Thanks for the ride.“ I turned walking slowly towards my room, when i heard him say „Good night, Maya, sweet dreams.“ I turned back, not stopping in my steps, giving him one more smile, him smiling back. I hoped me opening up like this will make him finaly understand the depths of my feelings. I knew there was a posibility he might not feel the same, but i didnt care of it now. I did what i could, i told him how i feel, now he holds all the cards. I unlocked my door and entered the room, kicking my boots off, throwing myself on the bed. What an interesting night it was, i tought smiling, covering myself with blanket and letting sleep take over me.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Imagine arguing with Arthur but you are in the same house ... silence all over the place bc you are both angry with each other but then... one of the two of you broke the silence ...

Hey Anon. Thank you so much for your request. I had to find out how Arthur would react to a situation like that and what reason he might have to get upset with you. I really hope you like the result.

The silence that filled apartment 8J was getting hard to bear.

There are different kind of silences.

This one wasnt the sweet kind when Arthur rested his head upon your lap right before he fell into a peaceful sleep.

It was a scary one that weighted on your shoulders and filled the room with sorrow. There was pain in every unspoken word between the two of you. In every breath that escpaed his lips. You couldnt hear him breathe in and out through the closed bedroom door. Which worried you. You got used to hear him breathe. Night and day. Arthur never left your side. Unless he was at work or used the bathroom. Ever since you were together he was with you. Arthur wasnt the type to lock a door behind him to shut you out.

"Arthur? Please! I`m worried about you. Are you okay?" you stood on the wrong side of the door, putting your ear against it, hoping to hear something. That aweful silence crawled under your skin, sending cold shivers down your spine. Why would he do that to you? How could he? He knew that you started to worry about him. Why wouldnt he answer?

"Arthur. Why aren`t you talking to me? This is not a joke anymore okay?"

You finally heard him move. It sounded like he was re arranging the bedsheets.

"Why would you lock the door? Why are you doing this to me?"

You couldnt help but imagin him passed out on the bedroom floor. What if he hurt himself? He had a history of self harm in the past.  Maybe you should just break that door open.

"Listen. I`m going to brak that door open if you dont talk to me, Arthur."

You heard him turning in bed again.

Nothing.

You got back to the living room with so much anger in your heart. Arthur`s silence hurt more than any word could.  He was aware how much it hurt to be ignored. Especially by the one you love the most. He knew how you felt right now but he just doesnt seemed to care. You never experienced him like that before and you didnt even knew why. If only you could understand why he locked himself up in the bedroom without saying a word. He was in there for the last two hours.

Your eyes focused on the tv screen as you sat down on the couch. The Murray Franklin show aired live and he didnt even left the bedroom.

"The Murray Franklin show is on" you yelled through the apartment but nothing could make him come up to you. A tear fell from your eyelids as Murray made his first joke. Arthur would have loved this one. And he just missed it. Because he didnt wanted to sit down beside you. He prefered to be alone.

ALONE.

Being alone was his worsed nightmare and he prefered it over being with you on the couch right now.

Just thinking of that made your heart hurt in your chest. What happened?

You hugged his old pillow which was soaked with tears after five minutes of pressing it against your face. It smelled like him. But you didnt only wanted to smell his pillow. You wanted to smell the crook of his neck. His curls. Arthur was just some feets away from you, but with that closed door and that aweful silence it felt like lightyears away.

That was it. You coudnt stand it anymore. You got up and knocked at the bedroom door. No reaction. You tried to think of something that would make him laugh. Maybe that was a way to get through to him. Humor usually broke the ice. Especially with him.

"Knock, knock" you said, waiting for an answer.

"Yeah right. " he broke the silence "Make a damn joke out of me. "

His words hit you like a gunshot.

"Arthur....what?"

"You heard me. You always do. You always listen, right? Always observing". His voice sounded different. Hurt. Cold even.

"Arthur....what are you taking about?"

"Its okay" he yelled at the door "I`m used to be the clown. Or the freak. Its old news".

You wiped another tear away, looking at the door that seperated you from him.

"Darling, please. Please open that door for me. I dont know what you are talking about? I really need to see if you are okay. Maybe you are having another episode...Let me be there for you, please!"

Suddenly the door swang open. Arthur immeditely turned around without even looking at you, grabbed a cig and got back on the bed. His eyes focused on the ceiling while he started smoking.

You entered the room and took a look around. There was nothing suspicious. Just him in his underwear, lying on his back, taking a deep drag of his cigarette.

But there was something that was different. The look on his face. Like he lost hope. Like he stopped beliving.

You wanted to get up to him but your body froze.  There was something so hurtful in the air. So unfamilar. It cut you like a knife.

"Arthur?"

He closed his eyes and continued smoking.

"You are not a freak. "

He finally looked at you but not in the way you hoped for "Oh yeah? How else would you call a man who isnt able to tell whats real or not?" He threw something to your feet. Your diary. He read your diary.

"You stole my diary?"

Arthur chuckled. It wasnt an amused kind of chuckle. It was one out of desperation "Right. I stole it. Because thats what poor guys do. They all end up thieves. "

"You know what I mean!"

"Sure"

"So you read my diary?"

"Damn right I did" his shaky voice echoed through your veins.

"Thats not okay"

"Its not like you havent read my journal,too. "

"Yeah but with your permission!"

Arthur lit himself another cig "So you read my journal but you wont give me permission to read yours?..."

"No....thats....now what I meant...." you didnt even knew what to say anymore. It seemed like he got every word wrong.

Arthur shook his head "Why havent you told me?" all of the sudden his voice softened again.

"Told you what, Arthur?"

"That you don`t love me anymore?"

His words hurt more than anythign you`ve ever felt before. How could he even say that out loud?

"Wait...what? Artie? What?"

Arthur put the half smoked cig in his pink ashtray, his eyes filled with sorrow as you got up to him and placed your diary on the bed.

"How could you ever think I dont love you anmore? I love you more than anything in this fucked up world!"

Arthur took your diary and searched through the pages. His muscles twitched as he stopped at a certain page. He pointed his fingers to one sentence and read it out loud "Sometimes he looks at me like I am one of his hallucination..." he closed the diary and threw it on the floor.

You felt your eyes watering again. Thats whay he wasnt talking to you for hours.

"You wrote this, right?"

"Arthur...."

"So thats it. You dont love me anymore. I am just a crazy man to you. Just like I am for anyone else. "

Your hand touched his cheek, but he turned his face away. This hurt so deeply.

"You are not a crazy man to me. You are my life. My world. I love you to death, Arthur. You got this sentence totally wrong. I didnt meant that in a bad way. "

Arthur avoided to look at you "You think I cant tell reality and dreams apart? Okay.....sometimes I cant...but....how could you ever think that I dont know that you are real? You are the realest person ever to me. The only realness I have ever had in my fucking life. The only thing I have to hold on to. The only one I trust in. The only person that made me feel real. You made me real. I felt how real I am through your love. I finally knew I existed. And you just go and tell your diary that I am looking at you like you were a damn hallucination of mine. This hurt. Do you have any idea how much you hurt me with that?"

Arthur pulled the blanket up his chin, trying to disappear from your sight as you noticed a tear running down his sad eyed face.

You cried,too. Harder now. You coudlnt even see him clerly through the tears as you pulled him close to you, hugging the blanket in which he was wrapped up in.

"Darling. I am so sorry you felt this way about what I wrote in my diary. I dont know what to say....I am so shocked that you got this the wrong way. I never wanted to hurt you. I never thought of you as crazy. I never thought you think I am not real. I love you. God, I love you so damn much it hurts."

Arthur swallowed hard "But why did you wrote that?"

You got up to get the diary "Have you read any further? "

He shook his head "I stopped at that point. It hurt too much".

You searched for the page and handed it to him "Please continue reading, so you understand what I wanted to say".

Arthur sat up and looked at you. You have never seen him sadder ever before. The dark rings under his eyes grew any minute.

"Sometimes he looks at me like I am one of his hallucinations. ....

Like I am the girl he always dreamed about, he always longed for.

His dream that became true.

And this is how I feel when he touches me.

Like I am all he needs.

And this alone fulfills me.

This alone makes me feel like I found my place in the world.

In his arms.

If only he knew he was my dream all along, too.

I just didnt knew it before I met him."

Arthur pressed the diray close to his chest.

There was silence again.

None of you said a single word.

There was no need for it.

There was only your arms that opened up for him to crawl into.

And this other kind of silence.

The sweet kind.

The one where he puts his head in your lap, right before he falls into a peaceful sleep.

[librius]

peachy-beeps replied to your post “catch me blocking 100+ ppl bc they cant understand a simple...”

What they did is disgusting, disrespectful, and unacceptable. I'm so sorry and if you need us to report, we will!

honestly i dont even know if theres anythign to report them about like they didnt do anything technically ‘wrong’ except lack common fucking courtesy

i just,,, be a good fucking person u kno?? they dont fucking know why i have that in my url whether its like for trauma or what its literally a simple request why is it so fucking hard to follow