#I CANT ENJOY ANYTHING NORMALLY
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y'all baldur's gate 3 has consumed my life 😭😭😭😭
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Every year is a new competition for worst year of my life. And 21 is WINNINGGGGGG 🤩
#gets random chronic illness 1 day after my birthday. loses 15 pounds in 3 weeks. takes weeks off school to go to the hospital.#everything comes back normal. i get the worst period and worst migraine of my life. <- almost called ambulance on myself.#lowkey failing all my classes. cant go outside. cant eat anything i enjoy. brain functioning poorly. grandma in the ICU. tried to go outsid#today and almost threw up in a store. and i think my new meds are making me SUICIDAL. 🙂↕️#AND THEY ARENT EVEN WORKING. and no doctors can see me again for MONTHS.#which means i cant work. so i dont have money to pay my rent. and also in general i just feel like a failure snd like my parents are mad at#meeeeee#ok thats all bye
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it occurred to me not everyone might know the reference im making when i keep calling my remix character the "hot pink bitch named breakfast" so... here. perceive breakfast.
#warcraft#timerunning#im finally getting back to remix!! havent done anything since last time for no reason beyond uhhhhhhhh#have you heard of the hit animanga bungo stray dogs. bc i sure did last october. and it has yet to release me. unfortunately.#so getting myself to play games has been a slight endeavor despite enjoying the time i DO spend on them#her in game name is brekky bc breakfast was taken and also yk what? brekky is kinda cute. dunno what i'll do w/ her after this though#cant believe i have THREE pink paladins. well 2.5 bc one of them isnt NORMALLY pink but i think its funny. alas.#im SOOO chatty today btw. hi#brekky#in game#mine
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i want to see exactly how many people actually have thought i am for research because ive gotten this quite a few times from different people i just wanna see how far it goes
#please understand while im not doubting so much now im not going to base off everything by peoples perceptions of my online behavior but#i feel like it does give good insight#i just always have a little hesitation in me because i feel like no one can get a full scope or honest picture of myself to Know me enough#to say that i can trust their opinion of me without knowing me enough in that sense#gahh. cuz i always feel like im doing Just Fine Enough i feel normal enough but im not guhh.#GUHHGGGHGH#it literally wouldnt change anything for me. like im autistic . ok! shrugs my shoulders. i cope i cant to anything more to help myself#than that#do u guys get it. do i have to go eat bricks or do u guys get it. my internal struggle. im like sisyphus#i cant trust other peoples opinions of my and i cant trust my own perceptions#while of course self diagnosis is a wonderful thing i dont want to put a name on myself that serves me no purpose#autism is awesome but do i deserve that title when dont feel like i own it wether i am autistic or not#im just so conflicted.#do you get it. do you get me. am i being reasonable . am i just fighting a truth about myself or are my doubts realistic. but the Evidence.#im so tired#i do not wanna b one of those tiktok girlies saying theyr hyperfixated on cooking pasta#Now do you get me#all my long winded rabbit trail rambles out of me before i finally get to my one point condensed conclusion#and now i just cant delete the rest of my tags because of all my time spent on them#enjoy my indentity crisis lol#i Might delete some of these tags later
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I'm like genuinely upset that I can't enjoy one of my favorite pieces of media since the peak of my project sekai hyperfixation because it gives me anxiety and upsets me to the point of tears
#its a really bad problem#i miss it why did they have to do this. i genuinely wish i never got into this show because of this. which is upsetting because i love it s#so much#i want to enjoy it and get emotional over it like a normal person but i cant because i cant be normal about anything#this isnt me being touched by the show so much the last episode is so genuinely upsetting for me that it ruined any prior#enjoyment i had of the show before this#i can only hope that this isnt the end because if it is i might have to hide every photo of it until i can calm down#personal ish#sad :(
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Day 177 & 178 | id in alt
Kugisaki has a formula. If she dosent care, it's not her issue. It has worked.
#dailykugisaki#jjk#kugisaki nobara#itadori yuji#zenin maki#i think Maki enjoys Kugisaki's unhinged from normal Jujutsu society laws#shes not related to any clans and she dosent care and Maki is living it up through her#ive been staring at a wall for 5 hours now#anyway. Kugisaki has chronic she dosent care syndrome#unless you FORCE her in she barely gonna do anything#problem is theres a lot of ways to force her into a fight lmao#you cant tell me Maki wouldn't sound pompous for shits and giggles sometimes#Hello geto Suguru#I need somebody to shake me ive been trying to recite loran isupem
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my 30th birthday is this coming Tuesday, May 13th
is there anything special I can do all by myself?
so that I don't kill myself out of sadness over even this special milestone birthday not being any different than my crushingly meaningless everyday life.
#i really wish i had the kind of life were my friends or family would make a big deal out of this and we'd get together and celebrate#but theres a lot of family birthdays in may and also mothers day#and my mom is only focused on her mom and mothers day so we cant do a pre birthday thing for me this weekend#this weekend has to be a mothersday thing because its mothers day on sunday#it reminds me of my convocation last year. where my mom was so concerned with my gramma that she had everyone i invited sit in#sit in the very back worst seats where they couldnt even see me or hear the MC and didnt take pictures or anything#and it was the biggest most important thing that ive ever done in my entire life#getting a bachelors degree i know is normal for lots of people but i never thought i would go to university and it was difficult for me#my parents and my grandparents didn't go to university#anyways#my mom says we can go somewhere to eat after her work on my birthday. and that all thats happening#and the thought of it is like i dont even want to do that i dont enjoy being around my mom lately#probally because she is always mad at me because i havent managed to get a job since graduation because im always sick#nothing feels good to me anymore and i am really struggling but it looks like im just useless so#im having a bad time#i need to make my birthday be not horrible
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i would like to get back into playing genshin but wuwa is just so much more rewarding to my little pea brain i miss wriothesley why cant i just beam him into wuwa (wriothesley being in genshin and his story is what makes him unique and his story interesting and probably wouldn't work in other games)((i love wriothesley he makes me feel gender euphoric))(((same with beidou)))
#augh#i just want to enjoy things but my brain cant ever be normal about anything#especially when it comes down to playing for long periods#genshin just does not reward my brain enough#and the grinding is far more exhausting#however ... hear me out ... wriothesley
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kinda tired of constructive criticism in media. stop making actual arguments about things, can i just hear honest I LOVE IT and I HATE IT or at least i like it and i dislike/didnt care. stop rationalize. if i read another one "umm objectively speaking" i will eat myself to the bone and will live free as proud skeletony boi.
#media criticism#doesnt apply to “creator of this is shitty person in my eyes so i cant enjoy anything they did regardless of actual#(un)likeability of the art”#its valid#another helluva boss ep is out and im ALREADY TIRED#imo its fine#maybe dragged out a little#and melodramatic but some may like melodrama its normal genre
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x-men would be so good if it was good
#the queer metaphors#the different types of (optional) visibility and the way they affect mutant politics#its so interesting#the flaws are inherent to the genre tho#cant have super powered people (legitimate threat) represent harmless minority (queer ppl) like that#i cant enjoy anything#flo screams#x-men#x men 97#marvel#yes nightcrawler is my new blorbo i have imprinted on him#i will be back to normal in 5 to 10 business days
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#idek anymore#i keep seeing her every fucking where and its bad when theyre home because they act like her#but im fucking terrified when theyre gone.#im almost constantly sick now and im almost positive that the immense amount of tics ive been having are because of the stress#i could barely walk today.#i have wcs tonight but im scared to go because they (somehow) dont know about my tics yet and i dont want to start now#i just want one fucking place i can feel normal and not have people staring at me like im a fucking freak or like im about to die#i cant do this anymore#its got to the point where im scared to watch anything i might enjoy bc then itll remind me of right now#i cant have this be another 2021#i just cant
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cringetober 22: maid dress
im gonna be honest i do not have it in me to draw today so take this thing from last year when 3.02 rewrote my brain. dont worry about it
#irl mutuals DONT LOOK AT THIS POST!!!! IGNORE IT!!!!!!! IM NORMAL#im tagging it BUT ONLY BC OF MY OWN TAG SYSTEM!!! and also not enough maid outfit ritshou out there. whatever#t#my art#mp100#ritshou#cringetober#i mean isnt the point of cringetober to post things im embarrassed about KDSJSKDBJKDSB well! this counts!#i havent drawn anything w a maid dress since and i cant draw today like nothings working. hehe im in danger#anyways. enjoy. or don't.
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sorry i just. need to rant for a second
#cause dude the whole joost situation is SO fucking upsetting#he's mentioned over and over again how overwhelming this whole overnight success thing has been for him and to respect his boundaries#and instead of yk respecting his wishes “fans” go and make things worse by constantly overstepping and being creepy and weird like hello???#like why can't we all just be normal and take a step back and enjoy things#these people are gonna end up driving him off the internet and i wouldn't blame him one bit#and the worst part is the people who should get the memo obviously don't (or refuse to) bc this isn't an isolated instance#like its been going on for a while now#idk man i just think about how hard it must be for him rn#one of the things that turned me into a joost fan (besides his music) was his personality#like i obviously dont know him on a personal basis#but from the little bits ive seen he comes across as a really genuine and sweet and kind dude#super thoughtful as well. like i just love the way he thinks and his take on things#like i remember watching his eurovision interviews and just thinking oh man this dude's a ray of sunshine LMFAO#also the literal definition of resilience like dude's been through so much stuff and hes always managed to come out on top despite of it#and thats something i really admire about him too. like the way he put it as not letting your traumas be just that#but also something that can drive you forward#but yeah dude's had more than enough like he deserves to be happy and have some peace and ppl keep ruining it for him and it makes me upset#like i actually slept like shit last night and woke up feeling terrible and i wonder if what went down yesterday w the whole live thing#has anything to do with it lmfao#and you may be like ok well youre taking it too personally and letting it affect you#and yeah maybe youre right LOL but i cant help it i care about the guy and i want him to be okay#he seems to have a really good support system though so i hope things blow over soon and he can finally have some peace#anyway. rant over! 💋#raquel speaks
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hate having interests hate hate hate
#mik talks#hate how excited this fucking show makes me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#why am i so autistic#do people actually enjoy this... being this excited over something that your entire body vibrates and your heart beats really fast#and you feel like throwing up almost and cant sleep and dont care about anything else and cant make yourself care about anything else?#and its like okay any moment now im gonna open my mouth to my friends again and become super annoying.#contrary to popular belief i actually try to be normal#and theres this deep deep deep shame over it like oh... i am gross and creepy and wasting my life on shit no one cares about#i will never post about my interests on tumblr even if it got me more followers or more likeminded friends.#id rather just let them eat holes inside my organs forever i kinda dig the pain#its like my own private religion i worship#religion of fantasy faggotland sory i love that phrase a lot
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...
#aaaand that's 2 doctors that think i have bipolar ii 🙃#so the conceptualize rn would b that my mood is fucked but im using ocd to keep myself contained withing sorta normal parameters#which. i mean. that does kinda fit with observationally. i would create rules around: u arent allowed to get excited abt things u arent#allowed to enjoy things bc u cant handle it. u cant b normal abt how u enjoy things. or bc when i go to enjoy a thing#my mood is caped at being lightly miserable so its like well fuck being around ppl it makes me feel nothing#bc my focus and energy swing around like the light on a lighthouse. and in between that im miserable or feel nothing#and if its true that i am bipolar the reason i never noticed would b bc i very rarely experience euphoria. mostly i have high energy and#dont feel good. just fucking out of control. so mixed episodes i guess. but like idk. i guess i just think of bipolar as being extremely#destructive. and i mean r my mood issues a problem? yes. sometimes a really big problem. but idk. im still resistant to thr idea#lots of ppl get misdiagnosed as bipolar even tho the presentation is so specific. i guess i just doesn't wanna accept it and then have to#have been wrong if i was misdiagnosed. but i mean 2 doctors independently listened to me and thought hm sounds like bipolar so maybe im#just being stubborn. also no one else in my family thst i kno of is bipolar. ive got 2 uncles with adhd but not bipolar relatives#i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter so long as i can get it under control. im good at control. destructively good at control#unrelated#i guess its more that ive never done anything life ruining bc of my moods#mostly i just dont sleep much and make myself crazy. so ill probably die an early death or whatever lack og sleep causes rio#i meant rip lol
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need to watch that 90s show so bad bc the new characters are pretty and the returning characters got even prettier and i love that 70s show, but i’m scared that if it’s bad it’ll somehow taint that 70s show for me
my mind is a prison, i can’t enjoy anything normally
#agaypanic#that 70s show#that 90s show#im going insane#nostalgia#why cant i be normal#can’t enjoy anything a normal amount#i must be insane about it
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