#I CAN'T TAKE THIS ADHD SHIT ANYMORE!!!!!!

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

When you start writing a post about your new Spidersona and it somehow becomes an essay on psychedelic indigenous plant medicine, the spirits they contain and the basics of Andean spiritual ceremony-

Y'all I sincerely apologize

[tirfpikachu]

sometimes you have nothing left to lose and everything to gain so without even choosing to do so you end up being more authentic and shameless than ever before. and when you do things it feels like an actual human being, an actual being completing tasks, and those tasks feel like ghibli movies, they feel like domesticity, and even if you live alone it's like you live with a roommate who is always there for you (yourself, your truest self) and before you know it you're thinking of that being living within you, that being you repressed, as your self, as your body, and you forget the fake mask you thought was yourself for years and years because others liked you better that way.

suddenly, when you care about other people's opinions, you start having standards about which people's opinions you hold onto, and you still find yourself placing your ideas as #1 on your list of priorities, because who else knows you better? who else has lived in your shoes, in your mind? only you have. others are simply making assumptions about what's going on in your mind and in your life. even your beloved spouse or bestest of friends would still not know what you are truly like deep down unless you tell her. only you are there for yourself 24/7, and only you know your entire journey from within!

choose yourself!!! choose yourself above everything else!

choose to put out there who you truly are, warts and all. because there is not a single flaw or trait or quirk in yourself that you would never find endearing and lovable and harmless in someone else. the greatest shame is being a hypocrite and inauthentic to the weird, scrungly, beloved creature you truly are. you are so human. you are so strange yet so normal. you are a breathing, living being. there is nothing wrong with you that you are incapable of welcoming with warm, open arms; chances are, you have already done so with others. you are your own cheerleader, trusted advisor, and closest friend. it's time to have that frenemies to soulmates arc with yourself. see it as a 2025 challenge. stop being the mask, begin simply existing.

[halogalopaghost]

[phagodyke]

I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.

[bogleech]

Hey, I read in a post where you were arguing with some jackass that ADHD can make you immune to stimulants... is that really a thing? Because I've never been diagnosed, but I also can't get high, have never noticed even the slightest effect from caffeine, and local anesthetics *always* seem to take much longer to kick in for me than the dentist expects, sometimes they have to give me a second shot of novocaine because I still have sensation when they start working.

I've searched for shit like "caffeine immunity" before and found *nothing* so if you know some place I can read about this, or you have more info yourself I'd love to know.

(Also, my boyfriend *has* been diagnosed with ADHD but he *can* get high, he uses THC to temper his anxiety. So does it vary by person?)

It does vary by person, but yeah a major aspect of ADHD is that stimulants don't all work like they're supposed to. For some people there's even the opposite effect, with caffeine making them immediately more tired. I'm having a hard time finding scientific studies on this anymore with the decay of search engines, but the following are all different threads on r/ADHD with a ton of discussion: "Caffeine does nothing"

"Is it just me or does caffeine do absolutely nothing" "It finally makes sense why caffeine has no effect on my whatsoever"

It's also observed that for some people with ADHD, coffee just makes them more tired: https://effectiveeffortconsulting.com/why-does-coffee-make-me-sleepy-adhd-caffeine/

[orionremastered]

Requested via DMs

Masterlist

Helping Hand

Dick Grayson [DCD]

When they say 'opposites attract', the two of you are the prime example.

Dick is in the center of the room, doing flips and handstands and whatever else the agile swan can accomplish while you stand in the corner, afraid to bump into anything and everything and therefore give yourself another bruise.

"It's okay," Dick always tells you. But you've endured bullying for it in school and that's not okay, which was what he always told you too.

Slowly but surely, he teaches you a simple stretch routine. It's something you were never really able to do, especially not a three minute one, but he's a good teacher.

"See? Told you that you could do it."

Hmm. So he did.

Jason Todd [Dyslexia]

It's late and for once Jason doesn't have patrol. So you both do what you normally do on this rare occasion make out with you sitting on the kitchen counter which is him reading a book to you while you lay on top of him, slowly drifting off to sleep.

His lips murmur against your forehead as he slowly moves his head to kiss you there gently.

"You tired, baby?"

"No," you tell him with an unconvincing yawn. "One more chapter?"

He smiles, pressing another kiss to your forehead. He knows you'll be asleep when the chapter's finished, but he keeps reading anyway.

Tim Drake [ADHD]

Breakfast at 10am because you managed to get Tim to sleep is always the best kind of breakfast.

"You have a doctor's appointment in an hour."

Breakfasts where Tim has to remind you that you have an appointment today is always the worst kind of breakfast.

You rush to clean your teeth and get changed, putting on your shoes before heading out the door.

"You forgot your keys," he calls from the dining table.

"Right, yes, thanks," you run back inside and snatch the keys about to step out the door before he adds,

"You forgot your phone too."

Shit.

Damian Wayne [Dyscalculia]

"This is hopeless," you sigh.

Damian rolls his eyes, handing you a pencil. "You can do it. I know it's hard, but you can."

"Easy for you to say. You're like, an evil warlord master mind and king of the world or something."

You have a point and you both know it. Damian's eyebrow raises. "I'm evil?"

"You're not doing my math homework for me."

"Because I can't help you in the exam." And yet, you feel like he could find a way if he really wanted to.

The two of you have been at it for what feels like hours, trying to help you understand math concepts that everyone else in your year already understands. But Damian apparently thinks you can somehow figure it out.

"Come on," Damian says. "Ten more minutes and then we can take a break."

Apparently you can't make text yellow anymore so Tim's fucken orange ig 🤷‍♀️

[aviradasa]

Hello! hope you’re doing fine!

i saw your headcanons about Larry and i was wondering if you could do the same with a goth fem reader pleaseee??

take care of you !

YES!

Larry x Goth!Fem! Reader

Dude this is one of my fav tropes I love you sm

Larry with a goth chicken is like peanut butter and Nutella bro.

That shit is heavenly.Yall are so perfect.

He treats you like a damn goddess.

(Cause you are one duh)

I mean like if you asked him to jump off a bridge, he would 100% no questions asked he would just be like "Yes ma'am." And do it.

You never open doors anymore. His mom raised him right.

I don't care how generic it is this man is whipped, and nobody can do shit about it.

He's happy here ok.

His favorite thing, though, is helping you sew together new outfits if you DIY your clothes.

He especially likes adding the spikes it's honestly an adhd trap (trust me bro that shit will have you in a trance.)

He's also really good at sewing on patches, so they don't fall off.

You guys just love being creative together.

He will paint you.

So

Many

Times

Every new makeup look and outfit inspires him, and he's just like

"Wait, don't move." And will take a picture to paint later.

Your favorite is this beautiful portrait he did where he painted you as a ghost haunting an abandoned asylum.

It's hung above your bed 🖤🖤

Also he will share music with you.

Even though he's mostly one of those.

"I only listen to metal (◣_◢) " guys, he will let you force him to listen to your music.

He secretly likes it.

Will never admit that tho

Also, if you wanna randomly dance with him in the middle of the woods, count him in.

Just sayinnnn

He's a surprisingly good dancer.

He wants to dance with you.

Dance with this man.

Please.

Moving onto other things though

He hates when people give you judgmental looks.

He don't give a damn how they look at him, but when they are looking at you dirty, it just pisses him off to no end.

And you normally don't even care what others think

. Being goth kinda comes with strange looks and people being assholes unfortunately. But so does being a metalhead.

He knows that to he just doesn't like it.

He just cares about you and is like "why yall lookin at my beautiful girl like that?"

To him, those people don't deserve to have the privilege of looking at you.

Ain't he sweet??? 🖤

Omg I can't yall are just so perfect 😭😭

And don't even think for a moment that Lisa would have any issue.

That woman adores you.

She asks you to do her wedding makeup because your makeup is always so nice.

She teaches you and Larry new ways to sew and stitch things.

We love Lisa she's so sweet!!

And after a while, even sal warms up to you being around more.

You and sal sometimes clown on Larry in a joking way, of course, and you all have a laugh.

Sal kinda becomes like a brother to you as well once you and Larry are together awhile.

Nobody in that family judges you cause at heart they are all some spooky mfs as well.

You and Larry are the cutest and i love it and nothing could be better than this omg.

It's so damn cute i can't.

Yooo, another short one, but I gotta get these out in time for spooky season!!! I'm gonna go back to writing actual pics soon so stay tuned!!

[bingbuang]

Random af Dallas Winston headcanons!!! (sad stuff included because I can't not ugh) ♡

Dallas doesn't smoke to look tuff, he's got it just as bad as ponyboy. After he told Johnny and Ponyboy to go to the abandoned church, he ends up smoking so much, pacing around his room until he has a coughing fit, and buck makes him stop.

(Movie dallas btw) He's insecure about how big his eyebrows are. He plucks at them unconsciously, until someone points it out. Along with this, he has this weird fear of getting a unibrow because his dad had one, and he constantly scratches between his eyebrows, just in case one is there. (There's not.)

He has ADHD, and can not stop moving ever. I imagine him and Johnny going to a diner, and he's just spacing out, bouncing his leg, and doesn't notice the violently shaking table until Johnny says his name.

After they found Johnny in the lot, Steve and Soda pop had to stop him from finding and (probably) killing the socs. He was so fucking angry.

Steve doesn't fuck with Dallas, and Dallas doesn't fuck with Steve. They once got into a fight and both got *real* fucked up, and now they're both kind of rivals.

Dallas is strong, we know that, but he has muscular legs. Because if he rides horses, ain't no way he's gonna have chicken legs.

He has HUGE hands. Sometimes, he just grabs Ponyboy's entire face. Why wouldn't he?

He doesn't actually like alcohol. Unlike with the smoking thing, he only does it to look tuff. Sometimes, he swaps it out with some soda. Even better, if he does it looks like he has a high tolerance = more tuff.

He really only has street smarts. He dropped out of school when he was 13 and moved to Tulsa, and his parents never bothered signing him back up. He didn't mind though. He stayed with the Curtis's during school hours, and he actually gained a little weight because Mrs. Curtis spoiled him with baked goods.

Once he grew up more, and the greaser vs soc conflict started getting more apparent in his life(and when he started getting an ass), he began losing weight by running.

Speaking of running, he can run for a VERY long time. He got used to running from cops, and he got hella stamina. I like to believe when cops see him doing some illegal shit like starting a fight, they don't bother getting out of the car, because that kid is going to sprint. (But Dallas is smarter, he waits for them to get out first.)

he can NOT grow facial hair. Even though he has light skin and dark hair, he can't grow one for shit. One time he got called 'Babyface' by a girl, and it destroyed his ego. So when he learned Johnny would occasionally shave (like once a week) he was kind of pissed.

He wants a piercing, but he's terrified of needles.

He's gotten used to sleeping on hard benches in prison cells, so he can sleep anywhere he wants, even in jeans.

He definitely prefers soc girls. He doesn't really know why, but he likes the contrast of his greaser personality and a soc in a relationship. He thinks it makes it more fun.

When he learned Sylvia was cheating on him when he was in prison, he was a lot more upset than he let on. He used to visit her every day, and now he just solemnly hung around with the Curtis's.

He chews on his necklace a lot. Darry tells him to quit, but he don't listen. One time, Darry just got pissed and grabbed Dallas by the jaw, and told him (very angrily) to spit it out.

He can eat stupid fast. He got good at it from when he was in prison and had to eat quickly (even if he hated the food) so nobody would take it. He does get sick from it occasionally, but he can hold it down.

One of my really obscure headcanons is that Dallas is half-korean from his mom. He doesn't speak a bunch of Korean because he doesn't live with his mom anymore, but he likes fucking with new officers by pretending he can't speak English. Also, he doesn't really like bringing up his ethnicity because it reminds him of his mom too much.

As I have reblogged before, he can not swim. Pass it on.

that's all I have for now!!!! Love y'all 😍

[deqdlyowl]

I actually have some old doodles TPtR au related... This one portrays an event from the second chapter.

I have a few more things, but they're kinda spoilers and I'm not really into spoiling... Though one of them is just a spoiler of one interesting detail I want to add (the event my sketch shows most likely won't appear in the fic), while the other one is a WHOLE AHH SPOILER of the shit happening in, maybe like 10+ chapter, I'm still not sure how big I want to make the fic, ahaha.

Also rambling and venting out my feelings under the cut because I forgot to take my meds yesterday. You don't have to read but I would be happy if you do.

.

Every time I start something I like, it begins to feel like a small obligation after some time, no matter how I feel about the thing I create. I love my fic and I really want to finish it, because it's also a huge emotional boost for me when I understand that I passed my word count goal in the chapter and I finally can write down my 24/7 daydreaming about CotL (even if not all of them, I often think about selfship, sorry, ahaha),AND I have a nice feedback. BUT. My ability is to abandon things. I have many unfinished drawings, unfinished crafts, like, a crocheted Spycrab or a full-sized HHH tf2 weapon, even though I really want to finish it all, but since I took a really long break, I just abandoned it all. That's usually the reason why I don't make comics. (The only comic I've ever made is that one silly meme about bees). And a month ago I started writing TPtR.

I'm scared of this happening to my fic, that's why I force myself to write if I'm not doing so for more than two days. Somehow it boosts my motivation, but at the same time, the thought of having to force myself to do something, even if I love it, makes me anxious. Why am I not doing anything if I love it? Perhaps it's just my depression with AuDHD kicking in, and sometimes I forget to take my ADs (I don't have ADHD meds yet) that makes me suddenly apathetic about everything. And then anxiety. And then I get sad when I can't come up with words.

Today I was describing the thing I have no experience in. I made tonnes of research, watched many videos of how people do it, tried to find words, but it looks... Meh. And I'm sad. And when I'm sad about something I do, I abandon it. BUT I WON'T. I will force myself to not, because I still want to write! I try to reassure myself that it looks shitty because it's still a draft and written in my native language. However, if looking at my current word count, the chapter won't be short, and it makes me happy. I'm sad and happy. I'm confused about my feelings about what I do!! I can just abandon doing ANYTHING and be lazy for years as it happened in middle school! But I have to force myself. To do anything at all. I already bed rot when I'm not studying, and if I'm studying at home, I still do it in bed. I'm losing weight (I'm severely underweight), my dogs feel bad (they're almost 12), it's my final year in school so I also study hard for my finals, my dreams say weird things (I believe in dream-telling or whatever, and I kinda can decipher them) and it all devours me from inside. But I can't give myself a rest. Or. I'll. Abandon. The thing. I love!

I'm repeating, but my head repeats everything most of the time as well, it's either loud and messy (adhd) or quiet and agonizing (autism), my ADs make my body parts twitch, I don't think that I need my therapist anymore, because it feels like there's no different between me before and me after talking to her.

I love my friends though. Their cheerful reaction to my fic or sketch updates is something that also boosts my motivation of doing something. I love art because of the feeling of creating something, but after finishing, I get the desire to see someone's reaction to what I did.

That's all, I think. I mean, not all, but I don't want to repeat again and again, my memory is getting worse as well, I feel like I kin Shamura ahahahha. I want to take an MRI. What if I have a tumor.

[four-leafed-queer-gal]

𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧Hi there! You can call me Clover!𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧

𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧toki! mi waso Kowe!𖡼.𖤣𖥧𖡼.𖤣𖥧

‧₊˚🌿✩ ₊˚🪵⊹♡‧₊˚🌿✩ ₊˚🪵⊹♡

I AM NOT ON POST LIMIT

I hate to do this, because there are some genuine and important donation pages and the like out there, but a few bad apples mess it up for everyone I suppose.

ATTENTION EVERYONE:

UNLESS WE ARE MUTUALS, DO NOT SEND ME ASKS WITH DONATION LINKS. IF YOU DO, I WILL ASSUME YOU ARE A BOT AND YOU WILL BE BLOCKED.

More below the cut ::3

♡ 18 years old, & a Saggitarius! (Fuck the new zodiac sign system, Sagittarius for life, I'm not a Scorpio)

♡ ✨Taken✨ by the amazing @theacemagpie, the Black Bat to my Spoiler 8/7/2024 (Or 7/8/2024, if you use DD/MM/YYYY)

♡ my pronouns are she/they! 🏳️‍⚧️

♡ I have ASD, BPD, PTSD, and ADHD ☘️

♡ I love languages! I can only speak English fluently, but I'm learning a little bit of everything! If you can name it, I likely know at least one or two words! 🗣️

♡ I like Marvel, PJO, Avatar (Both blue people and not blue people), Batman, Hunger Games, Suits (The show), Skyrim, Ben 10 (Not the reboot), and more! ✨

♡ Therian! Theriotypes: Spotted Hyena, Sea Wolf, Viperfish, Vampire Bat, Arctic Fox, Eleonora's Falcon, Moth, Barracuda, Thresher Shark, Raven, & Cheetah (Plus others I haven't figured out yet)

♡ my favourite animals are dinosaurs 🦖

♡ I love to read 📚

♡ I enjoy writing! ✏️

♡ I am questioning my religion, I have no idea anymore tbh- Half considering making one-

"People are going to talk shit about you no matter what. May as well give them an interesting topic!"

𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊

Please DNI if: you’re queerphobic, anti-self dx, someone who supports beastiality, zoophilia, pedophilia, rape, etc, or if you’re racist, ableist, sexist, or fascist, or if you use the word zionism wrong. Be nice! I know the block button exists but I don't like using it, and much prefer to argue and correct falsehoods ✨☘️

Am Israel Chai | עם ישראל חי

Zionism doesn't mean "Kill The Arabs," otherwise very few people would be Zionist; It means "Jews Deserve a Place in the Land that's also sacred to the Jews."

Proudly hoping for a two-state solution

Taylor Swift makes halfway decent music and is a bad person <3

"Be humble, be kind, but don't be afraid to drag the fucker who crosses the line" - La Storia

✩°𓏲⋆🌿. ⋆⸜ 🍵✮˚

Side blogs! Pls interact with them?

- @diogenes-totally-real Diogenes the Cynic gimmick blog!

- @aeolus-the4winds RP blog for Aeolus, Notos, Zephyros, Boreas, Euros, Aeolus, Auster, Favonius, Aquilon, and Vulturnus!

- @literally-the-first-state Gimmick blog, Delaware! The first state in the United States!

✩°𓏲⋆🌿. ⋆⸜ 🍵✮˚

Here are some of my cool humans (moots)! 💚

♡ @theacemagpie My amazing girlfriend! A fellow fan of numerous fandoms, and a speaker of multiple languages! <3

♡ @star-dust-shark Mack! He's a super cool dude, and who made most of this intro post! Go check out his blog!

♡ @violet-hady Hady! Great person, good friend, though always tells me to be healthy and stuff-

♡ @sarah-ankh Sarah! My lovely Irish moot, and fellow sword lover

♡ @poemsofanentomologist An anentomologist! They're really cool, they write poetry and have inspired me once or twice to write some of my own!

♡ @i-am-thoroughly-confused A fellow therian & fellow bat! They are a good being :3

♡ @poppitron360 A fellow PJO enjoyer! They've got great takes on Riordanverse stuff, y'all should check out their blog!

♡ @justagremlinoncaffeine Gremlin! Cool person, really nice, I've enjoyed every interaction I have with them.

♡ @unstableunicornsofasgard Forrest! Also a great person, ¡y el habla español!

♡ @peace-love-and-french-toast Amazing human! I sometimes do PJO rps with them, and with a bunch of others! They run @cabinseventheaterchick, and do a darn good job!

♡ @lizzzzzzzzzzzzzz---lol We haven't interacted much, but Liz is a great person, and what little interaction we have had has been good!

♡ + All my other moots! I have a lot, so I can't list all of y'all, but you're all amazing!

₊˚ʚ 🌱 ₊˚✧ﾟ.

"Either walk like you are the Queen, or like you don't care who the Queen is." - Ngaru

Have a nice time! <3

(Notes: Intro post was made by @star-dust-shark!! If you want one like it, go check out Mack's blog!! Credit for the shark pictures goes to @/dadstielkline)

[deadqueerboys]

i sent the virgin dt story, the guys were virgins and also Fem reader😭

Thank you!! I can't imagine Sapnap being a virgin, bro was born with big dick energy.

Dream

Dream was.. virgin. Which isn't surprising because when he was younger nobody really paid attention to him. He was the autistic and adhd kid, and a lot of girls thought he was weird and talking about his appearance. He really wasn't the best. But, he grew up to be just the hottest guy ever. He started to take care of himself, and he did it even more since he got a new girlfriend.

He was excited to try new things, nobody never even gave him a blowjob before her, and it made him more and more in love with her. He wanted to marry her, give her the best of him all day long. He was even more excited to have a honeymoon. But, until they get married, Dream wanted to have sex with her in a proper way. He brought a night at a hotel for couples, and he dropped petals of roses on the floor and on the bed, making a heart with them.

Some candles were in the corner of the room, just to give a warm vibe to the room. As his girlfriend got inside, he filled her with kisses, a smirk on his face. He was so happy and confident that he wanted to take your clothes off right now. And he did, after some minutes of making out.

He made everything perfect. He even put some background music! Dream got above her, his pants and his underwear already on the floor. He took a minute before getting inside you with a large condom. Let's say Dream is not.. small. He was actually pretty big, which hurts, especially for the first time. The matter in the moment was if he was feeling good, and he was. So, she got quiet, not saying anything unless for a moan.

"Fuck- shit. Love, you're so good to me.. I want you.. I love you.." Dream couldn't stop whimpering. He was liking it way too much. And, for his first time, he did a pretty good job. He waited until the right moment to cum, even if it was hard. He suppressed his last moan, closing his eyes and cumming inside the cheap condom.

George

George wasn't happy. He was complaining over and over again about how unfair it was he was the only virgin in his group of friends, this until a girl came over to him, Y/n. She wasn't a virgin, but she was happy to help him. They were pretty close, even with George not remembering where he knew her.

He agreed and made a deal with her. She would take his virginity, and, as a reward, they would have a date. She was way too happy to do that, maybe because she was a fan? He couldn't remember. Probably she was. So, he chose a day where he would be home alone and called her to come over.

It was pretty simple, he got condoms and a lube, and he just sat on the bed and watched she come over him. She sat on his lap, riding him. It was so good, he couldn't keep his mouth shut. He was moaning and asking for permission to do even the smallest things ever.

"Can I kiss you? Please, please. I promise I'll be good." George begged, his arms around her, forcing her to stay close as she went up and down. She nods, and he does as he wishes. He kisses her lips, they were so soft to him and do it again and again, smiling like dumb. He wasn't even carrying anymore, he just wanted to cum. And he did.

After they clean up, they lay in the bed together, him wrapping his arms around her as they cuddle.

"So.. where do I know you from?" He asks, yawning. He was so tired that he could barely speak or gesture. He knew he was happy now, and he didn't want it to end. Maybe she could become his girlfriend, right? He smiles, closing his eyes. "Oh, I'm Y/n, Sapnap's sister." She answered, and suddenly his eyes widened.

Sapnap

Childhood friends. The most important thing ever is becoming the most sexual one. Sapnap couldn't count how many times he had already touched himself thinking of her. She was his first love. She was until today. He was pissed because Dream couldn't stop teasing him about how he was a virgin loser, and he should call someone to have a one night thing. He would accept anyone, even Karl!

He called her, the only option he wouldn't regret or ruin the friendship with. He asked the boys to go out for dinner or a gay club or something. He was desperate, he put the cats out and fixed all of his room, he even spread perfume on his sheets. When she got there, he didn't lose time, he quickly kissed her. It was.. perfect. He could feel himself getting hard just to kiss someone whom he always loved.

They went to the bed real quickly. She pushed him to the bed, getting above him. She probably lost her virginity years ago with her ex-boyfriend, but he didn't care. It was his moment to get what he wanted. He squeezes her ass, putting his free hand under her clothes, playing with her clit, which makes her moan. She pulled herself closer to him, and he enjoyed it.

For the first time in a long time, he didn't see himself trying to be the top. He was fine being the submissive one if he could have her for the first time. He took off her clothes and his as well. He strokes himself before getting inside her. No condom, just a little of lube.

Feeling her from the inside was making he crazy. He saw himself building a future with her. Getting married, having kids - which could probably happen tonight. He was moving slow, careful so he wouldn't hurt her. He was fast in cumming, unfortunately. But he made his best, he even took it off to cum on her stomach instead of her pussy. He kissed her before letting her go to the bathroom. He joined her in this too, taking a bath with her. A bath full of touches.

[foone]

One of my biggest pet peeves is when I have to get up and then drive for like an hour.

Because I take my ADHD pills in the morning! And since I can't get on the extended release formula anymore (THANKS DEA), I end up getting a burst of energy and creativity in the morning.

And if I'm stuck driving a car, I can't write any of that shit down!

So many Tumblr shitposts and minifics, lost to the horrible tedium of driving.

[just-a-queer-disaster]

Audhd headcannons for Selwyn Kane because Im avoiding life.

He walks a thin line of overstimulation and understimulation. it's either too loud or it's so quiet he gets hella paranoid. It's either too bright or so dark he can't sleep. Either fully dressed out, long sleeves, hair down, or tank top - maybe just his binder if he's with Nick or Bree, and shorts, hair up. Either he needs to be encompassed and swallowed whole or he wanted to explode when something is touching his skin, including his skin.

He also walks a thin line of sensory seeking and sensory avoiding. The wind on his arms? Hell no. He shaves and wears long sleeves for a goddamn reason. Blasting music at full volume into his Merlin sensitive ears? Hell yes. He'll consume 7 different types of media when he's bored, but can't step on tile without socks.

My boy just says shit. Unless he's around like...an adult in the Order, shit just flies out his mouth. Half the time he's "being rude", he's just saying what's on his mind. It's not an insult, it's a fact.

He is the definition of literal thinking. He got chastised for rolling his eyes in class when really he was making and breaking eye contact really fast. Yes he makes a lot of metaphors and is very sarcastic, but that's because HE knows what he means. He was once told to spill the beans and he just stared very confusedly at the person and walked away. Someone said face the music and he very awkwardly turned towards the speaker.

As a kid, he would watch those "how to make people like you" videos and take notes. Nick found one of his notebooks and didn't even have it in him to make fun of him.

He's an expert in masking.he doesn't exactly know that's what he's doing, he just knows what he is and isn't meant to feel or do. Every person with Autism or Adhd just kinda knows, but...it's the Order. Noone had given any thought about anything until after the war was over, and even so, there are no therapists for Merlins.

Speaking of no therapists for Merlins, I headcanon that Nick definitely went to therapy a couple times when he left the Order, so he sees the way Selwyn acts and actually understands. Selwyn and Nick and Bree have late night conversations basically giving eachother therapy.

Speaking of that, there's a folder in their room with a bunch of T-charts separating different emotions and how to identify and cope with them, because Selwyn has a hard time identifying his emotions, and the emotions of others.

For all his arrogance and asshole demeanor, Selwyn actually has really high empathy. He cries at sad cats on Instagram. Since it's so hard for him to know what he's feeling, all his emotions are projected onto everything. The 3 had a movie night and half of the night was Selwyn tearing up at a 5 second scene of a sad dog and he burst out crying and Nick and Bree were trying to comfort him.

He NEEDS a routine and a set of rules to follow. After he left the Order, his entire operating system just....shut down. It took awhile for him to get a new routine and realize he didn't quite have to follow the Orders rules anymore.

But he also can't do the same thing everyday or he'll explode. The Order got this fulfilled by having the missions be s broad it wasn't the same thing every day.

Part of the reason he was such a good Kingsmage was because of how black and white his mind worked, and how the Order took advantage of that by not only providing a traumatized neurodivergent kid structure and both long and short term goals, but a system of work and reward, that Selwyn could easily understand and believe.

He has money spending blindness. he'll save all his money just because he knows he'll step into a shop and then spend all his money, or he'll go online shopping and spend his entire wallet and stuff he forgets he even ordered when it shows up at his doorstep.

Often, Bree and Nick don't go on public restaurant dates with Selwyn, because it's so miserable for him to do so. Don't get me wrong, he enjoys it, they all do, but Selwyn had to lock himself under the covers for a bit so he didn't crash out after. It's so loud and you can smell EVERYTHING and half of the date was Selwyn zoning out. The 3 had a conversation about it.

Instead, dates that include Selwyn are usually walking around or staying in or something more private. If they do go out to eat, it's planned. No surprise dates for Selwyn, to an extent. He'll get told "We're going on a date this week" and the surprise is when.

Speaking of no surprises, Selwyn once had a birthday thrown for him and he had a panic attack and threw up. icon. So, Any surprise party is more ur gonna get a party in one of these 3 days the surprise is when.

Selwyn actually does own ear defenders, His mom got the wrong size for him when he was a kid, but they fit him now. He was bullied out of wearing them, but he starts wearing them out after some encouragement from Bree and Nick.

Selwyn used to be hyperverbal, he yapped his moms ear off as a kid. he came out the womb and babbled for hours untill he went to sleep. He was speaking full sentances at 2,with fancy ass long words.However, he was known for shutting down and going non-verbal as he grew older. If Selwyn and Nick didn't learn sign language for training, They would've learned it so Selwyn could speak without words.

However, Selwyn will still go on hours-long rants with his partners once they reach that stage in the relationship. Bree and Nick now know alot about identifying plants and random animal facts.

Nick and Selwyn used to have arguments in ASL.

Selwyn has safe foods. And his safe foods depend on what he needs. Overstimulated? Plain shit. Understimulated? energy drinks and a shit ton of sugar.

Selwyn pulls at his hair, and he used to chew it before he got it beat out of him. Nick has seen his fair share of Selwyn tweaking out over grades, rocking back and forth with his head down, tugging at his hair and laughing maniacally. His mother tried to get him in therapy because she was concerned about why her child was screaming and tearing out his hair because "The line on my socks isn't lining up!!" He masks this by running his hands through his hair when he feels he needs to tug it.

He is a picker. Scabs? not for long! His nails may look nice and groomed, but trust me, he just has a nail file in his pocket. He bites and chews his nails and fingers in private. Merlins don't really get A LOT of acne, but when he did it took forever for it to go away because he wouldn't stop picking at it. There is always something bleeding on his body.

He just collects everything. There's a drawer in Bree,Nick, and Sels (shared) room and just has random trinkets in there. There are rocks in his pockets. He collects leaves and plants and shit. There are normally flowers and leaves in Nick and Brees' hair once they get official and comfortable. Everyone thinks they do that to each other but no, Selwyn will just come home with his pockets full of plants and shyly put them in their hair because he thinks Bree and Nick are pretty and the plant is pretty so obviously they should go together. It makes sense. Before, he would just stare at them with clear intent to do something while gripping the plant. It took a bit for the 2 to figure out what he was trying to figure out how to ask.He saves candy wrappers he thinks are pretty or reminds him of people. He saves pencils that people give him but don't take them back. He collects random shit off the floor and that's just with him now.

He has vocal stims. It's usually whatever he's hyperfixated on at the time, or a part of a song over and over again. he quotes brainrot audios he thinks are kinda funny or are just stuck in his head because Nick thinks all brainrot is funny and keeps showing him. One time he did like 5 hours worth of homework while repeating "The Sun is a deadly laser" in the bedroom the whole time while Nick and Bree were watching a show. Bree was confused and was about to say something and Nick was like "no he just does that sometimes don't interrupt him he's locked in." Nick and Bree know better than to mention it, because he'll get really embarrassed and shut down.

His most common stims are bouncing his leg and pacing, because he can do those without getting the "I know what you are" stare from others. In private, he rocks back and forth and taps on things in patterns. Once, in their childhood, Selwyn and Nick were waiting in like a really long airplane line and he was just tapping on Nicks arm the whole time. He'll twirl his hair and twist his jewelry. he feet are fucking around in the air when he lies down on his stomach. He hand flaps when he's happy and around Nick and Bree.

Nick always kinda knew Selwyn was autistic(Selwyn figures in out years later and Nick is like "you didn't know?"), and while Selwyn just kinda accepted there was some shit he was doing that wasn't what "normal" people do, he could do it around Nick. It's part of their bond that kept them from truly hating eachother.

I have way more but I promised a post today so here it is 😋

[icyg4l]

Pick-A-Child Star: Inner Child Messages

In honor of Black History Month, I am continuing the series of highlighting Black icons while prioritizing the spiritual needs of Black Americans. Pick the image that resonates with you most.

Left-to-Right (1-3): Keke Palmer, Aleisha Allen, China Anne McClain

If you chose Pile One, you resonate with the energy of Keke Palmer. As we all know, she is a multi-talented human being. She is a singer-songwriter, actress, dancer, talk show host, podcaster and model. Her name is synonymous with the phrase 'busy bee'. Her infectious personality has followed us through movies and tv shows like True Jackson VP, Scream Queens, Akeelah and the Bee, Nope and much more. She continues to grace the screens with her charismatic nature.

"You're always wondering what you're not, can't you be happy with what you've got?"

When you were younger, you may have watched the tv show, 'How to Rock', starring Cymphonique. The premise of the show is navigating the social castes of high school. I channeled the theme song for this show. You really need to show some more gratitude, man. What's in your imagination is being reflected on the outside world; just enjoy the moment. Your brain is on overload all the time and you really need to rest. On Valentine's Day, you should give yourself some 'me time'. Another message that I get from your inner child is that you need to go play! For some of you, I sense that you're reluctant to let someone into your life when they have good intentions. I think high school plays a big role into why you navigate the world the way that you do. You are not in high school anymore! You are officially responsible for your own shit (that means the emotional trauma too, boo). Your inner child also wants you to know that you should take up some karate/self-defense classes. It is imperative that you learn how to stick up for yourself physically, not just verbally. Lastly, if you have lost a father figure, you should do that thing to honor his legacy such as getting a tattoo of him, getting a portrait painted of him, starting that company and naming it after him. You are your father's offspring, you know?

If you chose pile 2, this means you resonate with the energy of Aleisha Allen. She is most famously known for her roles in the 'Are We There Yet?' film series and School of Rock. Her cheeky portrayal of these characters solidified her as a Black child star icon. After starring in these classic films, she took on smaller roles in 'The Electric Company' and indie films. Since then, she has acquired a Bachelor's degree at Pace University and a Master's degree at Columbia University in Communication Science and Disorders to fulfill a career as a speech pathologist.

“I gets down, I don’t play”

Some of you may be in the midst of choosing a major after being undecided for so long. Some of you may switch majors a lot. Your inner child wants you to choose something that makes them come alive this time. In other words, choose a career path that's not boring to you. You could have ADHD/ADD or some type of learning disability. You need to slow down because you’re inviting some disingenuous energy. Your inner child does not trust the people that are around you. Your light shines too bright to be staying in spaces where you're not celebrated. This made me think of a video of Megan Thee Stallion talking about walking out of rooms where you don't feel comfortable. Do exactly that, my love. Everything will work out just fine if you believe that it will. Your inner child wants you to be as optimistic about this transition as possible. And lastly, you don't have to tolerate anyone's behavior, or quite frankly anything. If you feel like you have to put up with someone's bull, then you need to leave. You guys were quite the sassy kids, weren't you? Now, where did all of that energy go? Why are you dimming yourself down just to appeal to others? It doesn't matter if you're in a corporate meeting or a classroom filled with white people, you speak your mind. You know what's going on, don't be intimidated.

If you chose Pile 3, you resonate with the energy of China Anne McClain. She is known for her roles in Daddy’s Little Girls, A.N.T. Farm, the Descendants series and Black Lightning. Her range in roles highlights her witty, yet dramatic personality, which is the reason for any drawn interest in her. She is also a singer-songwriter who was once in a girl group with her older sisters, Lauryn and Sierra. Since then, she has documented her spiritual journey on social media after quitting acting.

“I’ve got friends on the other side”

This is the pile that I would probably choose. This is the pile of the hoodoos/witches/spiritualists/occultists. Your inner child wants you to know that the spells you’ve been casting have been working. As a child, you may have had some experiences with ghosts/spirits. Nobody believed you but who cares? They’re your friends now. There may be a cousin that you haven’t seen/talked to in a while. Please talk to them! Your inner child misses them so much! It doesn’t matter if you’re not on good terms with them, please go do it. For some reason, you should go play hide and seek. This could also mean that you should prepare for an item of yours to go missing temporarily. It could also mean that you will find out some information that you’ve been searching for. Finally, if you feel like you have nowhere to go, think again! Your inner child wants to go to place where you once frequented. This could be the beach, an arcade or the park. Go have a picnic. Go insert those coins/swipe that card into your favorite apocalypse game. Go dig your toes into the sand! You are going through self-actualization and it is important that you stay grounded. Be prepared to step into uncomfortable positions. Connecting with your inner child is a way to do so. It is essential for your growth as a person.

[bomberqueen17]

smorkles

So anyway. I don't remember when I last posted about anything and I'm not going to go look it up.

I don't start back at the farm until May 13th. My cabin has no electricity currently but there is apparently a trench being dug, and it will contain both a real electrical line (not a duct-taped extension cord!) and a water line??? of some kind??? with actual potable water??? sounds fake but ok.

but I am going to, not quite the farm, this week, leaving tomorrow. And i am going to stay with my middle-little sister. Because her housemate moved out, and her house needs some renovations, and now she's thinking she needs to sell that house and downsize to a smaller one, and that's all fine but like the main thing she needs to do is to get rid of like 3/4 of the objects she owns, and i say this from a place of I also have to get rid of like 3/4 of the objects I own and I dont' know how to do it or how to make her do it either and hate the entire concept of the process. But hey. There it is.

I am bringing her a kitchen table and a whole-ass tree that was rescued from dude's work office but is too tall for our ceilings. she has higher ceilings. we'll see how this goes.

i feel like i should be sort of retrospecting on what i did this off-season. right? like my life is in two annual chunks: farm work season, and not farm work season. Farm work season is usually April-ish through the beginning of December. And then since the beginning of December I've been doing Not Farm Work and I have no idea if I've achieved any of those goals. Did I set goals? IDK.

I did want to get my ADHD shit sorted out. So I started seeing a therapist. And she's admitted she's like, for short-term stuff, and needs to get me passed along to more of a specialist type person maybe. IDK. I've been told to form habits, told to buy a notebook to turn my life around with, and in other doses been fed things that i have largely seen before because i have been living like this for like, 40 years.

anyway. and also i tried all the basic meds, everything's "here try this and see what it does" dosages have given me negative side effects and no good effects, so if I want to continue trying to medicate myself I need to actually have a psychiatrist who I can ask questions of and get a response faster than two weeks. (That's how long it took to hear back on whether I could stop taking atomoxetine when it started giving me really bad anhedonia. Thankfully i had already figured that out on my own twelve days before, because i could not have lived like that for those twelve additional days, it was really bad. also he was like "and discontinue wellbutrin" my friend i discontinued wellbutrin in 2014 so i'm not sure who this was addressed to.)

but. yesterday's conversation, the therapist was going on about different things-- I had been given a rundown by a friend about the different types of behavioral therapy that existed, and how some of those might be more useful in trying to make concrete improvements in one's life, and my person was like "the thing is most of those are just fancy names for stuff you've largely already encountered so there is not going to be a magic technique that fixes you" and it's like

the thing is when have i ever said "find magic technique/drug that fixes me" is a therapy goal? That's not my goal. My goal is explicitly "figure out better coping mechanisms than what I have because brute-forcing normality for as long as I can and then feeling real shitty when I can't anymore isn't very sustainable", and no, I don't think that ACT or DBT is going to magically fix me, but if I can find more tools through a coordinated approach, wouldn't that be good?

What i can say is that so far using a lot of CBT-lite language and making lists has actually given me a borderline-pathological avoidance of my Special Notebook, in which i can no longer write but i do still carry it everywhere like a talisman (it's very useful. not), so I'm writing essays on discarded envelopes because I can't even use The Good Scrap Paper for this, when I tell you I've scarred myself trying to figure out how to make a fucking to-do list I'm not exaggerating.

So I have an essay written on an envelope from which i'm trying to extract, like, a thematic through-line to guide me in what to do next, and then a bunch of witterings in a discord convo, and I wrote a list of things I want to bring, and I did go move some furniture just now so I can get that table out of my house at some point.

Anyway, though, mid-conversation, the therapist was like, "have you ever heard of smorkles?" and i was like "i'm -- what? smorkles?" and she was excited and was like "oh this one will be so good for you!" and i was like "Sporkles? Smorkles? I'm not sure i"m hearing you, can you spell that" and she proceeded to spell out the word "smart" which

yes I do know about SMART goals actually, they are a management technique from the 80s that my dude uses extensively in his job as a staff engineer (which is like management but not quite) in his very corporate job at a very large software company, and he had laid out the criteria for me very earnestly once on a walk. so i do in fact know about them but not how to really apply that to my own life, and would need to figure out how to break that down, and i need a lot more steps than 'find a pen' and 'buy The Notebook That's Gonna Turn Your Life Around' to make that work.

but anyway.

i've decided now that smorkles are my new technique. and yes also smart goals but I think I'm going to call it "smorkles" because then I can make memes about my commitment to smorkle motion etc.

i need to figure out what SMORKLE is an anagram for. er, not anagram. the other thing.

[purlturtle]

I have a toothache.

i have a headache.

I am exhausted.

So far in this rehab, I've had 6 out of 8 days be godawful, with migraines, overwhelm, meltdowns.

I also have the shits.

My neck and shoulders are hard as granite from tension; they crackle and groan constantly, and the bed here is shit.

I have tinnitus, both constant and stress-induced spikes.

No one can tell me what is going on with me; my bloodworks are clear, my blood pressure is fine, my EKG is fine, my lungs are fine; there's nothing "physically wrong" with me.

And yet I lasted only fifteen minutes in aqua gymnastics today because it was so so so so much too loud. (I have since spoken with the doctor to see that aqua gym is taken off my schedule henceforth.)

And yet every single meal in this place's food hall makes me feel like a hunted animal because it is so so so much too loud. (I have since learned that I can take my meals back to my room, but for that I still have to go in there and grab them.) (Food can make me so happy, but the food here? Is not happy-making.)

And yet art therapy is literally grating on my nerves because people work with soapstone and that means: grating. Constantly. Sometimes drilling, too. (I'd love to do more art and there's free workshop use that you can sign up for but so far I haven't been up to it.)

And yet half of the other gym and yoga classes I've been able to take so far (I had to cancel so many already because of "feel like shit" disease), have given me muscle cramps and soreness that led directly to yet another migraine. I *kinda* have an idea which exercises in particular are bad, but when there's a new one on the list, obviously I only know it was bad for me when I'm in bed with another migraine. I don't even know if that aqua gym fiasco described above is gonna be worth anything or if *that* is gonna give me a migraine too. And I can't relax in bed because bed uncomfy. You feel me?

And yet group therapy is counterproductive because, one, I *already know* all that stuff and feel like I'm in a language 101 class except my skill in that language is like 401. And two, seeing as I am a social worker and also hyper empathic, listening to the others means my brain analyzes and commiserates and comes up with ideas for solutions and diagnoses and that is not my fucking job!!! But it's also not something I can just stop doing!!! (I've since talked with the therapist that it doesn't make sense for me to go to group therapy anymore.) (Also, I get 1 session of 30 minutes per week of individual therapy, which is the only thing that I feel helps but is obviously nowhere near enough.)

I'm here to find help, to destress and *learn* how to destress, to hopefully handle my life better because right now I can just about handle everyday things if I don't have to work, but working is kinda a prerequisite for life, because with no diagnosis whatsoever I also have no chance to be eligible for disability pay.

And yeah it's only been one week out of five but GOD I am tired. I am so done. And it's hard to keep up hope in the face of all of the above.

(I don't think it's Chronic Fatigue; I have no PEM that I'm aware of. Two separate doctor's practices have ruled out ADHD. I've seen several therapists and psychiatrists and have gotten a different diagnosis from each of them, with the rider of "doesn't really fit but we have to put *something*." I have no idea what's wrong with me or what to do about it or how to get better, and that is no help at all whatsoever, either. If I at least had *something* to go on, but nope. My best guess is that this is a prolongued high stress situation that's out of control and impacting all kinds of bodily systems and balances, but that is not a diagnosis either. I feel like I don't even have any straws to grasp, honestly.)

Someone give me 5 million dollars so that I just don't have to work anymore; I think that would be a start.