#I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY GOT TO CHAPTER 105???????????

[sskk-manifesto]

SSKK REAL

[kyouka-supremacy]

Yeah I was shocked at first too how little Atsushi seemed to care about Aku's death and was outright offended on Aku's behalf but now that I'm rereading I can't describe Atsushi post-88 as anything other than "numb" or going through the motions and it get really blatant when you see how animated he got during the most recent chapters

Mmmmhh. I think those two Atsushi pages are extremely interesting, and that we need to talk about them some more. Overall, Anon, I relate to your experience: I too thought Atsushi's reaction to Akutagawa's death was rather indifferent at first, and I too eventually warmed up to it explaining it as loss rather than apathy, a difficulty to process what had happened just yet. But the thing is, before chapter 107 came out, I truly felt like both interpretations - the indifferent one and the numb one - were equally sustained by canon elements and potentially true. I do think that the “indifference” interpretation had canon grounds of its own right and, although it's close to be disproven by the latest chapters, I want to elaborate on that, because I think it's still valuable to reflect over it.

It's reasonable to think Atsushi's reaction was so cold and detached because a lot had just happened for him way beyond what any man could elaborate in the immediate; at that point it still didn't come natural for him to think of Akutagawa as anything but evil, and, even though Akutagawa had just proven in action to be more than a ruthless monster, for Atsushi months of thinking of Akutagawa as the devil incarnate isn't something he could grow out of in a matter of minutes or hours, especially given he still hadn't had the chance to properly elaborate what happened. And yet even when considering all of that, it's still true that Atsushi never asks Ango "why did Akutagawa sacrifice himself?" or "why did Akutagawa die for me?"; he only wonders if there's "some grand meaning to it". He doesn't seem to be pondering over Akutagawa's sacrifice in particular as something extraordinary, but rather reflects about the entire string of events as equally important factors. I find it insane that Atsushi is thinking about the event of Akutagawa keeping his promise over the very occurrence of Akutagawa giving his life to save him, and how even that instance of remembering something good Akutagawa did feels to be only prompted by acknowledging how that allowed him to escape, for the ada to keep fighting– even when thinking about Akutagawa, it seems to be for inherently selfish reasons. It all speaks, to me, like in that moment Atsushi saw Akutagawa like just a piece in the grand scheme of things and nothing more, which is coherent with the dehumanizing perception of Akutagawa he always held; and that's why it made me believe that nothing much really changed even after Akutagawa died for him, because apparently nothing would have been able to scratch Atsushi's quick-to-judgement, close minded attitude.

Then again, this was my main interpretation up to chapter 88 and no further, and back then I probably shouldn't have given that much relevance to Atsushi's words since in that moment he was understandably shaken and unstable. Besides, obviously, chapters 107 and 108, Atsushi hallucinating Akutagawa in chapter 105 is a meaningful element too: the way Akutagawa seems to be guiding him, how Atsushi doesn't seem to hold any fear or hatred or resentment towards him anymore, the way Atsushi places him on top of importance falling second only to Dazai. And it's true that chapter 107's "I know you're still there" and "you still haven't told me why did you save me" are telling enough on their own: of the fact that Atsushi really had a change of heart about Akutagawa, of the fact that he's changed his mind on him. And after all who am I to disagree, I don't wish for anything other than celebrating sskk canon 2k23 ahah!

But the thing is: in the end, to me, it really doesn't matter if that chapter 88 scene specifically is meant to be interpreted Atsushi caring for Akutagawa or not!! What I mean to say is that unrequited-sskk is still a very compelling dynamic and noteworthy concept, and it having canon basis or not is ultimately completely irrelevant.

I've been called out a lot for my unrequited-sskk takes and received a couple of asks and replies already on this, so I really wanted to clarify why I'd stand by that in the first place, and elaborate on why in my opinion that Atsushi scene from chapter 88 really fits the picture. Truth to be told, unrequited-sskk was mostly a June 2022 phase that manifested slowly in later months due to my late posting habit, but I don't feel for it any strongly than requited sskk– I mean, I obviously love sskk, of course I'm also rooting for them to be happy together. But I do think unrequited sskk holds a lot of thematic value, and that's why I think it's very interesting concept to reflect over! More specifically, I think it's very fitting with Akutagawa's character themes of being perfectly unlovable, the miserable and tragic character. This context ties with and reinforces the image of Akutagawa as the cursed character, someone who can only fall for people who are destined to hate him; and the people he loves won't ever be able to see in him anything but a monster, because he is fated to cause repulsion in anyone he meets. Additionally, seeing the character under this light makes his death even more dramatic and heartbreaking: there's some added pain in the knowledge that he's dying for someone he loves, and who is never going to love him back or even see him as human for what matters, and yet Akutagawa deciding to do so anyways. I feel like Akutagawa as the ultimate tragic character, born miserable and died miserable, only ever running after glimpses of happiness without ever the chance to grasp them, forever unloved, forever in pain, is really compelling! Akutagawa doomed to be unloved in life and death, someone whose pain, whose sacrifice and humanity will never be recognized by anyone but the silent audience. It's just a very entertaining concept to explore!!

I also find the unrequited love scenario interesting on the other end, in the way it frames Atsushi, the good one, as fundamentally unable to be compassionate and forgiving with Akutagawa, making out of the good guy a complex and especially flawed person. I like how Atsushi and Akutagawa's roles of good and bad are switched in someone who's unforgiving (unsympathetic), and someone who's miserable (sympathetic). (That is far from wanting to villainize Atsushi– Akutagawa did a lot of unforgivable things to him. He just did a lot of redeemable things also.)

In the end my final take - which is something I've always thought - is that sskk's relationship, and its chance to bloom romantically or not, is mostly dictated by chance: in Beast, they've met in a friendly, non-hostile environment, and they suddenly clicked; but not in every universe they might be lucky. They have palpable chemistry, but it's not granted that will always translate in them getting along more than them clashing and destroying each other. And I guess that's what makes them so fun to fixate on!! How their relationship can take so many different shapes while staying the same. When people ask when sskk would get together, I really think it's only a matter of case. I think it's as likely for Akutagawa to kiss Atsushi on impulse after this arc has ended than it is for them to beat around the bush for years and years to no end. I think it's really a matter of chance that Akutagawa didn't kill Atsushi and join the Hunting Dogs, a split-second decision that could have easily gone another way. I find it cool how their relationship can take so many different shapes and yet the only thing that stays the same is how inexplicably tied they are, how the other makes them who they are, how deeply and intrinsically connected they are.

Tl;dr: Atsushi's reaction to Akutagawa's death, up to chapter 88 and without considering chapter 107 and further, has equal basis to be interpreted as Atsushi being indifferent (uncaring) of Akutagawa or detached (caring in disguise) of Akutagawa; here's what made of uncaring of Akutagawa an interesting scenario no matter the fact it turned out to be wrong; here's why, independently by how much canon basis it has, themes wise unrequited-sskk is still a very interesting concept that should be taken in consideration.

[aannonn]

jibaku shounen hanako kun chapter 108..... LET'S GO!

Nene is such an icon istg lmao I love her so much <3

Wait wha- woah! Tsukasa is defenseless now? That's not something you see everyday. Is that good or bad? lol

Twin Power!!1!

Tsukasa-kun... Poor kid. Amane really messed up, didn't he?

Can't really blame him, tho- The world was just too cruel and unfair to those 2. They are just kids😭

...This part really hurts me. Idk why but its just- Tsukasa just seems like he's just- He just- Tsukasa is just like- It seems to me that Tsukasa is like-

"Oh.

Oh."

then;

"Amane.. Amane, are you listening? Amane, can you hear me? Amane, are you coming? Amane, do you hate me? Amane, is that why you never came for me? Amane, I can't die anymore Amane, but I feel like you're slowly killing me again. Amane. Amane. Amane. Amane. Amane. Amane. AmaneAmaneAmaneAmaneAmaneamanemaneamaneamaneamane-"

something like that lol

Idk its just seems to me that Tsukasa gave up. But at the same time he is unconsciously taking Nene's request seriously about calling his brother (Twin Power!) so he started calling Amane in his mind and then- welp

this scene hurts me alot. ;') can't wait to finally watch it animated! (i feel like watching it animated will just hurt me even more omg-)

He came! He finally came! Twin Power worked1!!1

Tsukasa looks so surprised. Amane looks pretty annoyed lol

Honestly, I really really believe that Tsukasa actually called for him, and Amane actually listened.

I mean- Think about this;

Yes, Nene called for Hanako, but that was before they both (Tsukasa and Nene) fell down. And while Hanako may have delayed a lil' bit, there is something that make me think that Tsukasa did actually call for Amane..

While they are falling, it appears this;

It's open for many interpretation and possibilities, but I feel like this is to represent that Tsukasa did actually call for Amane, just not out-loud.

I like to think that; In my own point of view, it's like;

It seems to me that Tsukasa did called him from the very deep bottom of his heart. He didn't speak, but he for sure screamed for Amane from the very bottom of his heart.

He wanted Amane to come (he never said he didn't). He said that Amane wouldn't come for him anyway, but that doesn't mean that he didn't want to call for him. It doesn't mean that he didn't want Amane to come.

Tsukasa has been wishing for his brother to come to him for a long time, but Amane never did. And Tsukasa was always alone. So I think that hope slowly faded away.

Although, Amane remains being his older brother, and Tsukasa continues to love him more than anything in the world, so he can't help but let himself spark that hope again, let himself call Amane again, even though he knew it probably wouldn't work, like it never did. But he still took what Nene' said seriously, and so he decided to try it, only one last time.

So imagine his surprise when he sees that it actually worked. That Amane actually came for him.

He looks so shocked, amazed, devasted, surprised; He's feeling alot of emotions at once.

so many emotions that he doesn't even do the ":O" face anymore.

It's an genuine and unexpected surprise. Amane actually came. Amane actually listened. Amane actually-

He saved them both omg I love them sm

this panel gives me many siblings vibes.

Amane just looks so done with them lmao

Normal! Nene would never say things like this, but she's a kid and kids are usually more confident and say things without thinking too much about it so-

Hanako is amazed. Flustered. Shocked.

Happy;3

Tsukasa looks so indignated for being the third-wheel lmao

perfect.

they are actually acting like siblings omgg i love them sm

tsukasa did not had to bring up chapter 105 again but he did.

Idk why but i really love this panel with all the three of them together. They give me siblings-who-just-got-caught-fighting vibes lol

:O

TSUKASA AND TERU IN THE VERY SAME ROOM???? IN THE VERY SAME PLACE??? AT THE VERY SAME TIME?????

interaction is gonna happen. i'm telling you

finally.. the day has finally come... Tsukasa + Teru interaction is finally gonna happen........ AFTER YEARS OF WAITING WE FINALLY HAVE ARRIVED TO THIS MOMENT PEOPLE

Welp! i think that's it...? Excited for the next chapter yayayaya

it feels like this chapter delayed a whole bunch... but time for me just went by pretty slow actually...

Welp! I think that's finally it..?

Cya ~ !

part 2 of this post!

[runn1ngn0se]

I posted 5,814 times in 2022

That's 5,600 more posts than 2021!

137 posts created (2%)

5,677 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@khaotik-singularity

@talonpaw

@berrystumpytail

@girltigerclaw

@00389a

I tagged 1,807 of my posts in 2022

#runningnose - 285 posts

#shadowsight - 205 posts

#bluestar - 162 posts

#requested by me - 146 posts

#sol - 58 posts

#mudlizard family - 51 posts

#warrior cats - 38 posts

#ohno - 33 posts

#deathloop - 27 posts

#nightstar - 25 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#i still can't believe than in the left pic i had to color her a grey lighter cause i accidentaly used her actual dark grey for the lineart

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I really hope that Nightheart x Sunbeam is a trashfire of a relationship and for that to be the point.

We as a society forgot that the point of Romeo and Juilet was that the two of them were rebelious, emotionally charged teenagers who got infatuated with eachother once, but then when their families steped in and started telling them no, in defiance they pushed further and further into eachother into it eventually killed them both. The tragedy wasn't that they never got to love eachother, it was because they never got to explore their relationship in an honest manner that wasn't them acting spiteful to everybody else.

The point of Nightheart and Sunbeam is that their entire relationship is based off them using eachother to act in defiance of or to escape their clanmates (Squirrelflight, Bramblestar, and Sparkpelt in Nightheart's case, and Lightleap, Blazefire, and Berryheart in Sunbeam's case), and that the two a very clearly both emotionally unstable [Ya sure Nighthearts show that plenty of times, but Sunbeam was just seething at Lightleap in the most petty manner durring her little bothers funeral]

My hope for Shadow and onward is that they have a honeymoon period at first where they're all lovey-dovey, but then relationship slowly but surely begins to slip apart as their more unstable elements clash, but the two will refuse to seperate because it would mean making Squirrelflight and Berryheart smug, so it just continues to rot until it finally explodes in dramatic fashion.

The fact the the will-they-won't-they aspect of the story is already over 2 books in (which is the usual way to keep a romance plot like this going, see BristleRoot), and they couldn't possibly fill 2/3rds of 4 books with "Berryheart doesn't like Nightheart", they need something more for their story and I think this would be great for material.

I know this fandom would hate a story like that, but I've always been capivated by the toxic trashfires of relationships like RaggedYellow, and I'm excited to see us get that as a plot in a main series arc.

I really do hope this is their intention, cause if they do play it off as actually genuine and correct, then this arc is gonna be another kind of trashfire.

I understand people's hesitation to believe that the Erins could pull of a storyline like this without it slipping and falling on its face given their track record, but I'm willing to wait it out and see if they can stick the landing. Shadow is going to be a really important book in solidifying how i feel about this arc going forward

Also people who say Frostpaw's chapters are the only good ones only care about "the plot" and I think those people are boring

76 notes - Posted November 3, 2022

#4

Something people aren’t talking enough about with the ASC covers:

The Warriors logo color matches the eye color of the front-most character

102 notes - Posted May 5, 2022

#3

Felt like drawing something this morning, then I saw @lockandkeyhyena 's Cinders design for the 100th time and figured that looked like something I could bang out real quick, maybe even experiment with lineless art again.

105 notes - Posted November 29, 2022

#2

ok so apparently somebody has found a copy of a reprinted Skyclan's Destiny with a new cover THAT WAS NEVER ANNOUNCED!?!?!

284 notes - Posted May 16, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I said this in the tags of a reblog and i just want to put this out there proper

Its wild that Runningnose was conceived entirely as a joke character. His single point of existence for Into the Wild was so that, when Firepaw found Yellowfang in ThunderClan territory, they could be like "but wait, if you're not ShadowClan's medicine cat anymore, that who... OHNO" *smash cut like a Family Guy cutaway joke to the single most unqualified-to-be-a-doctor person imaginable and play laugh track* Thats his entire place in the story.

Then they realized when they started writing the later books that the dumb joke character was still ShadowClan's medicine cat and was therefore too important to just ignore / write out, so they had to take him seriously as a charcater, and as more and more horrible stuff happened in ShadowClan the more and more emotional weight they put on the doctor who couldn't cure his runny nose.

Eventually we get to Yellowfang's Secret and its revealed that he had a neglegent mother and was the foster brother of the tyrant that ruined his life, and when we get to his naming ceremony Yellowfang has to say with a straight face "Your name will be a reminder that medicine cats can't cure everything" and they have to just straight into Yellowfang's dream cause how could you possibly write his reaction to that as anything other than him realizing his entire life is a joke.

And now we are at the point where people are reading stuff like Exile from ShadowClan where theres just a character whos a doctor with an uncurable runny nose named Runningnose and everybody had to treat him like any other serious character and can't even bat an eye at how foolish that is while the reader is left to wonder how we ended up in this timeline.

This is all just another reason why hes my favorite charcater

1,280 notes - Posted October 7, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[tessenpai]

Thoughts about Satowa's confession (rant and lots of fangirling)

DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T REACHED CHAPTER 106 OF KONO OTO TOMARE!

I began reading Kono Oto Tomare! back in 2015. I was a high school student, who was just scrolling through the MangaRock app (or whatever manga app I was using at the moment) for something to read. The old TL (That dropped the manga later on) had just released a new chapter. I fell in love with this manga at first sight. With the relationships, the dynamics, the themes, the dialogue, the ART. You can imagine how sad I was when the old TL quit the manga cold turkey.

I started reading raw manga because of Kono Oto Tomare! I started to seriously study the Japanese alphabet because I had no patience to wait for a TL to translate this masterpiece. I started reading this manga when the raws were in the middle of the Akira introductory arc.

Today, I mod a KOT Discord server with 1.5k members, have a Japanese Language Proficiency N4 (on my way to N3 fingers crossed) level and write KOT Rough TLs on release date for everyone to enjoy (I also recently became a proofreader but that's a secret).

I have been following Chika's and Satowa's journey for almost 7 years. In that time I graduated High School, took a sabbatical year, got a degree in Computer Engineering (along with said N4 Japanese level), and am now working as a Junior Developer... And Kono Oto Tomare! has been a constant in my life throughout it all. I will mourn greatly when I read 'The End' on the last page of the final chapter. However, this post is not to mourn. This post is a celebration. Because after 7 years following the slow burn that is Chika and Satowa's relationship, a confession happened. And it was beautiful.

The thing about Chika and Satowa's romance line is that it's not pretentious. It is a quiet love that grows over time, companionship and admiration. It never feels like those two weren't meant to be together, or that their love for each other didn't make sense, or that they were rushed into a romance narrative. For us readers, it was inevitable, just meant to be. Just two individuals who met, began to really know each other and loved everything the other was, with their flaws and their pasts.

Chapter 106 has such good art, such good storytelling and writing... in just 33 pages and little dialogue, Amu-sensei has gotten so much across. So in this post I will try and do an in-depth analysis of this chapter and WHY this confession might be one of the best confessions in manga.

Chika suffered for a long time. The people who were supposed to give him love neglected him, and even told him he was responsible for their suffering. That abuse resulted in him failing to see himself as necessary or important to other people. He honestly believes, even now, that he doesn't belong in the koto club.

What Uzuki said in chapter 105 really got to him: The fact that Chika's past conditioned him from really belonging to the koto club, that someone like him had no part in a world of brightness and that he had to stop that pretense. Chika doesn't deny it, not once... But for the first time, he decides not to throw himself away. He went to that underpass with the intention to do just that. To detach himself from the club and face Uzuki on his own, even if that meant he had to leave the club... But Uzuki's words made him realize what Takinami meant. "When you fought, it was like you were shouting with your whole being" "That is why you can't perfect your solo. You have to think about what you mean to other people". Chika shouted out his feelings because there was no one there to listen to his pain. He vented them waiting for someone to listen. But now he doesn't need to do that, because there is a place that has taught him to use his words. That has taught him that koto and music are a way for him to express those feelings and for them to be heard. He decides to tell Uzuki that even if he doesn't belong to the koto club, he still wants to be with them because that is the choice his gramps gave him and that is what his friends taught him. Abiko & Co. are about to seriously hurt Chika then, and Satowa sweeps in with furious tears streaming down her face.

She is DONE. Done with Uzuki telling Chika that all the suffering around him is his fault. Done with Chika running headfirst into danger on his own because he wants to shoulder everything by himself. And done with them both acting like Chika is alone.

The first reaction Chika has seeing Satowa there is distress. He knows what those guys are capable of and doesn't want Satowa anywhere near them. But then Satowa clarifies she is DONE with him trying to put himself between her and danger. When Abiko points this danger out, Satowa's reaction is to physically shield Chika and she is even willing to get hit and seriously hurt because that would put an end to the stupid plan they got going on to frame him. This puts Chika even more on edge because, by nature, he despises seeing the people he loves in harm's way. That is the "bad habit" Tetsuki was talking about in chapter 103. Chika is willing to suffer alone and throw everything away just so the people he loves are not harmed. He doesn't understand the fact that his getting hurt IS what would hurt them.

And this is when Satowa's confession becomes more significant. You see, Uzuki doesn't understand why she would go to such lengths to protect Chika. In his eyes, people who belong to different worlds simply don't care for each other that way. Going back to how Uzuki met Chika and came to be interested in him, we see how Chika tells him that "he shouldn't be in a place like that because he doesn't belong there". That is key for Uzuki... "belonging". So he changes himself in order to fit in with the gang, and the world Chika belonged to at the time. Because otherwise, there is no common ground and no way Chika would let him be by his side. So why is Satowa going so far to protect Chika, someone who just happens to be his class and clubmate? There is no reason for her to do it.

And then she says it: "Because I love him". It is so simple. There is no pretense in it. She loves him and doesn't want to see him hurt. She wants to protect and treasure him. And she wants him to always laugh and be happy. Such stark contrast to Uzuki, who believes forcing Chika to be by his side in a world of darkness is the right thing for him, no matter if Chika is hurt or unhappy.

Here is the thing about confessions in manga (usually): They are done with an objective. The person who confesses either wants to get noticed by the person they love or they are not satisfied with their relationship and want to change their dynamic. Those reasons are very licit: A friendship simply doesn't cut it anymore, and they want the other person to love them back and to be in a relationship with them.

Satowa's love declaration, however, is done with none of that in mind. Moreover, she would have said the exact same thing even if Chika wasn't present. Her feelings just are. It doesn't matter if Chika sees her the same way or not, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or does... because her feelings are not going to change. She will continue to be by Chika's side because his happiness is her happiness. And she won't let go of his hand. It doesn't matter what people on the internet think. It doesn't matter that dangerous people may want to hurt her... Uzuki is the one who is making a very simple matter more complicated than it is. When you love someone, you thrive in that person's happiness. Satowa's feelings are unselfish. She just treasures Chika and her love for him. And is never about her happiness or comfort. Is always about Chika.

And when Chika hears her, he remembers his grandfather telling him the only one who can fight for his own happiness is him. That there are people who will extend their hand, but the choice to take that hand, is only his to make... And Chika, with eyes full of tears, decides to hold in his arms the girl who said she wasn't going to let go because all she wanted was to see him happy.

It is amazing to see how Satowa took a stance and hasn't gone back from it: She hurt Chika in the past because she put her judgment on a guy she didn't really know. She said and did things that hurt him. And she doesn't forget it. Is the one thing she will never forgive herself. But the past cannot be changed, and only what she does from now on is what counts... And so she chose to stop letting go of Chika's hand. The shy Satowa that would ask Chika to let go when he held her hand or who would avoid him because she couldn't deal with her feelings when he got near her is gone. This is a girl who is not ashamed of her feelings. There is nothing wrong or to be embarrassed about the love she feels about a boy she treasures.

There is no "belonging to different worlds". There is no "past". Only a future where Chika doesn't walk alone again.

[femsolid]

Any good book recommendations or saved posts about body image? Stress and poverty play a role for me, but I keep relapsing with my eating disorder... I am having the hardest time accepting my body even though logically I know, it weighs what its suppose to weigh, looks the way its suppose to look, although I am not teeny tiny or "conventual." I miss my anorexia a lot... I hate and feel ashamed of my body and am trying not to. My mother told me a doctor would say 120 pounds was healthy but she felt it was "too heavy." I was 13 and only 100 pounds when she told me this... My father also sexually assaulted me and was a grandiose narcissistic who constantly sexualized my body. I struggle to even feel my body is mine. My mother was a covert/vulnerable narcissist who felt the world was unfair to her, was in denial of the abuse and hated me for "making" her feel like a bad mom, and could not take criticism. I starved myself from periodically from ages 14-21 to lose rapid weight, usually in the summer, and got a lot of praise and compliments. I starved to stay at 105 pounds. Then sought recovery and she kept bullying me about my food portions, and complained that I was gaining weight. I was in shcok and so grief stricken and anxious by her behavior that I started throwing up and she told me I was vomiting because I was eating too much and encouraged me to vomit or to eat less. She's dead and I am still in shock. I struggle to love my body now... I feel so fat and ugly. I know beauty standards are based on pedophila and being thin is based on this oppressive system, but I feel so damaged and worthless over the praise I got for being thin, and being dehumanized where no one cared that I was essentially harming my health by starving myself, as long as I had virtually no body fat. I hate the fat on my body, and have rationalized that its ok to eat 1,800 despite my doctors orders to eat 1,800, telling myself its arbitrary advice. I hate this disease, and am afraid I will never feel good enough :( (sorry for the sob story; I love and believe in radical feminism, but due to trauma, can't apply it to myself, it doesn't register emotionally. I worry no one will ever love me or find me attractive because I am "so fat." I have a puffy tummy, but my jeans are only 24 inches... so my mind must be distorted. I have relapsed twice this month. I dont want to feel this way. I don't want to hate myself or my body. I wish I had a men in black stick to forget the trauma or their mean words, it has taken over my reality. I think people are full of it when they pull the (also harmful, cause it still tailors to the male gaze,) idea that men "prefer thick women" when a disturbing amount of men and women idealize anorxia. What is the obsession with women being only 105 pounds? Kim Kardisharin I remeber was saying she was only 105, my ex roommate further damaged me by bragging, like she was superior, that she was only 105 pounds. I feel so fat and ugly, I miss the love I got for being skinny. I felt most loved when I was sick and skinny.

Well that was a heartbreaking read... I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry you weren't protected and supported as every child should be. Sadly I can relate to a lot of what you describe. Feminism definitely helped me feel better about my body but it's not easy to get your abusive parents' voice out of your head. I was just looking into the very subject of eating disorders and anorexia lately, and I found this post about being praised for being sick and skinny that really shows that your experience is sadly all too common. I have a body category on my blog if you want to go through posts on the subject of body image.

I do have some book recommendations for you:

Unbearable Weight by Susan Bordo, especially these chapters:

The Politics Of Weight by Amelia Morris

Beauty Sick by Renee Engeln

Wasted, A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Maria Hornbasher

Hunger, A Memoir of (My) Body by Roxane Gay

On the topic of child abuse and the resultant cptsd I would recommend:

A Practical Guide to C-PTSD and The C-PTSD Workbook by Arielle Schwartz

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

Daughter Detox by Peg Streep

Running On Empty by Jonice Webb

I have a blog where I share things that I find helpful to recover from child abuse and trauma. Also, finding a good trauma informed therapist could be helpful, especially considering you have been sexually abused.

I would also recommend these two uplifting books:

Self Compassion by Kristin Neff

So that you stop being so harsh on yourself.

The Joy of Movement by Kelly McGonigal

So that you focus on what your body can do instead of what your body looks like.

[mimisempai]

Wait for me on the other side 3/8

Chapter Summary:

Rain... Fireworks... Romance?

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32948254/chapters/82052251

April 15, 2021 - 7:00

Loki, his heart pounding, approached the mailbox whose flag was raised.

He opened it and unfolded the small note with trembling fingers.

Thank you for this lovely attention. I haven't stopped wearing it since I received it.

You tell me that this connection with me allows you to open up to others and not feel alone anymore and you ask me if I want to continue this correspondence?

I don't want to stop either!

I don't know if we'll ever meet, but I want to continue to get to know you and for you to get to know me.

Tell me what you like.

Yours, Mobius.

Loki breathed a sigh of relief, put the letter in his pocket and left. He would have to work before he could write. This was no longer a matter of a quick word, he wanted to take time to think before he wrote.

As he walked through the school gates, although he loved his job, for once he couldn't wait for the day to be over.

April 17, 2019

Mobius was sitting in what had become his special Loki spot, the armchair in front of the bay window, a steaming cup of coffee next to him, reading Loki's latest letter.

I love Norse mythology and my work.

My favorite cocktail is Gimlets, gin and lime.

This brings me to my favorite color: green.

I have a sweet tooth, I like all kinds of sweets and pastries, and on the other hand I also like everything spicy.

I like quiet evenings reading and listening to music.

I like Jane Austen, The Brontë sisters and Paulo Coehlo.

I like to use metaphors but I have heard that they are not always great.

And although I can't stand violence, I like daggers, especially old ones.

Oh and I forgot, I like the house on the hill.

Mobius promised himself to go and see in Sylvie's antique weapons store if she had any antique daggers.

I can't stand cruelty, condescension, and lies.

And although they are green I hate peas.

Mobius laughed at the last sentence, he finished his coffee and went to get his notepad to start writing.

April 19, 2021

Loki, sitting cross-legged on his couch with Croki's head on his leg, was reading Mobius' latest letter.

I like to take watches apart and put them back together, to see the mechanism inside. They are all different.

I like to walk in the streets of New York and discover places by chance.

I like to draw, or rather make sketches that I never finish.

I like whiskey, Jack Daniels, and occasionally a good glass of red French Bordeaux wine.

I like all kinds of music, but my preference is for jazz.

I don't like lies, preconceived judgments, and gratuitous meanness, well, just plain meanness.

And I also like the house on the hill.

How did you end up living there anyway?

Loki read the letter again, folded it up and put it in the little box with the others before going to bed and thinking about what he would answer the next day.

April 21, 2019

Mobius went out still in his robe because it was a day of rest. He was surprised to see that Loki had already answered if he was to believe the little flag. He refused to question the fact that his heartbeat had accelerated.

He went to get the letter, then read it in front of his breakfast, Croki at his feet.

I rented it after college. It was the strangest place I had ever seen. I couldn't imagine anyone building it. Or... I couldn't imagine anyone building it and not living in it. I liked the way it sort of...hovered over the water. I loved that path that led to it. I don't know why, it has a strange, timeless charm.

April 23, 2021

Loki, on break between classes, took the letter out of his pocket and read it again.

Yes, the fact that you have to walk so much to get to the front door and that it's uphill, it's like you have to earn the right to enter the house. Every time you enter the house, it's like you're embarking on a quest whose prize is the right to enter.

I'm sorry, I must sound eccentric.

April 24, 2019

During his lunch break, and all day, he read that simple phrase from Loki over and over again.

Don't apologize, you can be eccentric. You can be whatever you want.

Mobius had always felt different, both in his personal and professional life choices, and this simple phrase eased some of his inner struggles. He couldn't ignore the warm feeling in his chest.

*********

A few weeks passed. The wind was blowing violently on a late spring day in New York. Loki was walking rapidly towards the school. His phone started to vibrate in his pocket, he grabbed it to answer the call.

-Yes?

Loki lost the smile on his face.

-Look, this isn't easy for me either. You know that... no, I'm not mad that you called. I just... I'm sorry, I have to go to work and I...

He was approaching the school and didn't want to continue this conversation as more and more students came in.

-I don't think that's a good idea. No. Sigyn, I'm asking you not to come. Because we need more time... Especially if we want to stay friends. I just don't think we should... look, I'm on my way to work, we'll talk about it. Bye.

Loki sighed, shaking his head as he walked through the large front door.

" Already feeling demotivated?" asked Natasha as she greeted him with a smile.

"Oh no no!" protested Loki.

"That's good timing. Heimdall has caught the flu and we need someone to cover his classes while he's absent. Since you have an art degree, I was wondering if..."

"No worries! I'm happy to oblige."

"Perfect," Natasha thanked him, "You can check with the assistant about Heimdall's schedule and make arrangements then. Thank you Loki, really. If the exams weren't coming up, I wouldn't have asked you."

Loki replied, "No worries, really."

If anything, he was glad to see that even though he was the last one in and the youngest teacher, he was trusted.

At the end of the week, as he walked home with his arms full of groceries, he thought maybe he should have thought about it before saying yes.

Because he was exhausted.He hadn't realized how much time and energy it would take to handle two positions.

Fortunately, Heimdall was back at work on Monday.

Loki put his groceries in the car and thought he'd stop by the house on the hill before heading home.

When he arrived, the little flag was up.

He took the letter and opened it.

Hi, pen pal. You haven't written in a while. I hope all is well.

You actually I

This is ridiculous, just a few words to write and it makes me sound like a babbling teenager.

Well I'm writing it down: I MISS YOU

It was obvious that the last words had been written with force.

Loki felt a strange warm feeling in his chest. He had also hugely missed the correspondence, so he hurried to answer on the spot and put the letter in the box before going home.

**********

Parking the car in front of the mailbox, Mobius chose to ignore the butterflies in his stomach as he saw the little flag raised.

He took the letter out of the box and once he got home, Croki fed, he went to his favorite place to read the letter.

It has been a difficult week.

I couldn't get away from work and only had the strength to go to bed at night. I can't remember the last time I looked up at the sky, or saw a damn tree. That's what I miss. The nature around me.

It's not so bad when I'm busy. It's when I have a minute to breathe, to look around, that it seems really hard. I wonder what I'm doing here, alone, in this gray city. I miss the trees.

PS: I missed you too

June 15, 2019 - 9:00 pm.

In the evening, Mobius left the house with a small tree in the pickup's trailer. He was driving towards the city.

June 15, 2021 - 9:30 pm

In the middle of the walk from school to his apartment, Loki saw the black rain clouds gathering in the sky. Suddenly there was a rumble of thunder in the distance and as he was on the home stretch, the rain began to pour.

June 15, 2019 - 9:35 PM

Arriving at 105 MacDougal Street - Greenwich Village, obviously still under construction, Mobius parked the pickup and pulled a shovel and the tree from the trailer. He began digging a hole outside the construction site that would become Loki's apartment building. Once finished, he began planting the tiny, fragile tree.

June 15, 2021 - 9:35 pm

Loki was completely soaked as he walked the last few yards to his front door. He struggled to find his keys, dropped them, and grew more and more frustrated as the rain poured down on him, when suddenly it stopped. He was baffled, as thunder and lightning continued to flash across the sky, and the rain continued to fall all around him, but not on him.

He looked up.

Above him were the dense green leafy branches of a young tree that formed a canopy swaying in the rain right above Loki. It hadn't been there a second ago, but now it was sheltering him, and Loki was stunned.

June 15, 2019 - 9:37pm

Mobius smiled as he swung the shovel into the pickup's trailer before heading home.

June 15, 2021 - 9:37 pm

Loki, overcome with emotion, broke into a smile and whispered to Mobius, even though he couldn't hear him, "Thank you."

Raindrops fell through the green branches as Loki danced under the tree, his face to the sky.

*********

2019 - A few days later

Casey stood on the small path in front of Mobius' house, "Wow!!!"

Mobius motioned for him to follow him inside.Casey entered, still stunned by the house.

"So, this is where you're hiding?"

Mobius replied with a smile, "Yeah.You want a beer?"

"Yeah thanks."

Mobius pulled two beers out of the fridge and they went to the chairs in front of the bay window and talked about the house for a while. Casey had lots of questions.

Casey took a sip and his face became more serious.

"Mobius. I didn't just come here to escape my pathetic existence in the city. I came to talk to you about TK and ask you to come back with us. We need you."

Mobius shook his head, "TK? Sorry Casey but no."

"I'm sure if you talked to her..." insisted Casey.

"Forget it.Ravonna doesn't want me to come back. I don't want to come back. Everyone's happier now."

Casey argued, "What about your work? Your work was awesome. Even she admitted that. Look, I know it's hard, but if you put your problems with her aside, you-"

"I said forget it." replied Mobius, this time with a sharp tone before softening, "Sorry. It's just... I like it here. And I like my job at the store."

Casey nodded and accepted the answer before asking, curious again, "Are you in a relationship with anyone?"

Mobius answered after a slight hesitation that didn't go unnoticed, "No."

"Why did you hesitate?"

"I didn't hesitate."

"Yes, you did."

Mobius insisted, "I...I'm not involved with anyone, okay?"

"Okay." replied Casey, who smiled playfully before continuing, "All I'm saying is that maybe you should think about the future."

Mobius began to laugh. He couldn't stop himself.

Casey looked at him as if he had gone crazy, "What?"

Mobius continued to laugh.

"What?"

**********

A few days later, with Loki's letter open in the passenger seat of his pickup, Mobius drove to the train station near Brooklyn College of Arts.

He parked, picked up the letter and got out, heading for the entrance to the station.

Around this time two years ago, I lost something.

In the Brooklyn train station.

I was going back to my parents and left it on the platform. See if you can find it for me. I won't tell you what it is.

Then put it in the mailbox. It's your mission if you choose to accept it.

Mobius could not resist a challenge. So he found himself at that moment looking for an object he knew nothing about. He walked through the station. There were a few people. He looked for a single man and saw none. Just a few families and an elderly couple.

He continued to search when suddenly, through the window overlooking the station platform, he saw a young man with long black hair get up and get ready to board the train.

Mobius wasn't sure if it was him, but he felt deep down that he was Loki, and he was amazingly handsome. Mobius hurried through the door and onto the station platform. He was about to head towards him when he stopped.

The young man had embraced a woman who had her back to Mobius.

They kissed and said goodbye.

Neither of them noticed that Loki, for it was undoubtedly Loki, had left a book on the bench behind him. Mobius saw it, but it would be awkward to approach and interrupt the kiss. He hesitated.

The train driver announced the final boarding.

Loki separated from the woman, obviously reluctantly, and boarded the train.

The woman Loki had kissed did not move and watched the train pull away until it was completely out of sight. He did not notice the book. Mobius watched him leave and once he was gone, he approached the bench. He looked at the book that Loki had left behind. It was a well-worn copy of Persuasion by Jane Austen. It had definitely been Loki.

********

Loki impatiently went to the mailbox, thinking that perhaps Mobius had already been to the station.

He opened it, and was disappointed when he didn't see the book and just a little note.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE 4TH OF JULY?

Loki, a little disappointed, answered immediately on the same piece of paper and just as he was about to leave, he heard the characteristic sound of the little flag being raised and went back to the box and opened it. He grabbed the small paper and unfolded it.

L: Going to the fireworks, I guess.

I go every year.  Why?

M: Would you like to watch them together? From the cliff. The fireworks on the lake are beautiful

L: I know, I watched them from the house the time I lived there.

You're not asking me out, are you?

M: No, no. I just thought it might be nice to do the same thing, that's all.

L: The same thing, two years apart.

M: It's better than staying home.

L: Okay. Let's go see the fireworks.

M: See you in 10 days then. July 4th at 10pm in front of the mailbox.

Mobius did not wait for an answer, and walked happily back to the house. Even though he had denied it, it still felt like a date of some sort.

The butterflies began to fly again.

July 4, 2019/2021 - 10:00 pm.

Two years apart, in the same place, Loki and Mobius sat next to the mailbox. Mobius brought one of the seats from the garden furniture and Loki brought an old folding camping seat in his car.

He is armed with his pad and pencil.

The strange and timeless conversation started again, always punctuated by the little flag that went up and down.

L: Did you go to the station? I never got my book.

M: Let me keep it for a while. I want to read it.

By the way, there's something I wanted to ask you.

Who was the girl at the station?

Your fiancée?

Why didn't you tell me about her?

Loki thought it sounded like Mobius was jealous, but didn't want to get the wrong idea.

L: You don't tell me about your love life either.

M: Because I don't have one unfortunately.

My God, I can't believe you didn't tell me you were married.

L: I'm not married. We broke up when I moved to New York.

I'm on my own.

The fireworks just started.

M: They started here too.

I'm sure yours are better, since it's supposed to get better every year.

L: Probably. Let's enjoy the sight.

Afterwards, during the fireworks, the flag did not move for a while. Then when the grand finale was over, and the silence fell, the flag suddenly rose, making Loki jump.

M: At the station, when I saw you... I didn't expect... I mean, you didn't tell me you were so gorgeous.

Loki read these words and could not suppress a small gasp of surprise. He looked around embarrassed even though he knew for a fact that no one was there.

L: Not fair.

You saw me but I still don't know what you look like.

Mobius ran his hand over his face and figured that since it was truth night, he might as well go for it.

M: You're right. I wouldn't mind knowing what I'll look like in two years. Why don't we meet in the future and tell me what you think?

Loki thought about it and then looked at his watch, it was 10:43 pm, he took a deep breath, suddenly excited and nervous

L: Why don't you call me on July 4, 2021 at 10:44 pm

As Loki finished the last line of the "4" the phone rang.

He almost fell out of his chair.

He steadied himself with a pounding heart and picked up, "Hello?"

________

Who is on the other end of the phone...?

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 (End)

As always, bear with me as it is not beta'd and english is not my native language I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless🥰

[pickalilywrites]

Hey I'm sorry to hear that you were sick and have lost your voice. It sucks losing it, doesn't it? I hope you get well soon! Anyway, I know you said you wanted some fluff, but I can't really think of anything fluffy for chapter 105, so could I possibly ask for something along the lines of Gabi and Falco sneaking onto the airship, only to find Zeke casually walking and talking with the SC?

I got my voice back in time for my big presentation! It went fabulously ^^ Thank you for the request! It was very fascinating for me to write in Gabi’s point of view for once :) 

Nothing Alike

Gabi Braun. Canonverse. 

2091 words. 

Shethinks it should feel the same every time. It should be like when she had blownup those enemy tanks on the battlefield. Seeing the bodies blown to pieces, thebodies of people who deserved to die, made her swell with pride when she knowstheir demise came at her hand. Why, then, does she not feel this way now as shestares at the fallen Eldian devil that she had shot down only moments before?The other soldiers rush at her, trying to restrain her, but she fights againstthem, tugging her arms and legs away from them because she’s desperate to seethe dying soldier’s last moments.

“Letgo of me! Let go!” Gabi growls, kicking and shoving the soldiers aside as bestas she can, but they grip her tightly by the wrist, preventing her to get anycloser to their fallen comrade. She tries to see past them as best as she canand is surprised to see them mourning.

Twosoldiers are wrapping bandages around the dying woman in a futile attempt tostop the bleeding. Two other men kneel close to her, their head in their handsbecause they know there is nothing they can do to save her. The other soldiershave a mixture of expressions on their faces – rage, grief, defeat – andsomehow, they’re familiar to her. It reminds her of when she had witnessed Udobeing trampled by a crowd and Zofia crushed by that boulder, their bodiesshattered like porcelain. She remembers the absolute rage and fury she had, theoverwhelming despair she had felt at seeing her friends dead and gone in theblink of an eye.

Exceptthis isn’t the same as Zofia and Udo, Gabi thinks bitterly. Unlike thismonster, Zofia and Udo didn’t deserve to die. These people…they were borndevils and should return to the hell which they came from.

“Gabi!Gabi!” Falco cries, clinging to her.

Shehad thought that his presence would be a burden to her, that he would gethimself killed, but she’s grateful that he had followed her after all. It givesher a chance to tear her eyes away from the dying woman and look at himinstead.

“We’llbe fine,” she whispers to him, pretending she’s braver than she actually is. Intruth, she’s terrified. For all the words about a glorious, blazing end shewould meet, this isn’t what she wanted. She wanted to battle, wanted to winvictory after victory, wanted to go out in a blaze of glory but not like this.And yet it seems that an early death is to be her fate, so she grits her teethand glares at the soldiers who stare back with cold fury in their eyes.

“Let’sjust throw them off the air ship,” a man says, grabbing onto Falco and Gabi’sheads roughly. He’s ready to drag them by the hair and throw them overboard,but he looks to the squad leader – the bearded man who had been mourning hisfellow soldier – for approval first. “That would take care of them.”

Gabiis ready to fight them all. If they were going to throw her off, she would makesure to drag them down with her, have their bones shatter alongside hers asthey hit the ground, but she doesn’t have to.

Thesquad leader faces the wall of the air ship. “If you throw the children totheir deaths…,” the man says quietly, “do you think this cycle of violence andmurder will end?”

There’ssomething in the way he speaks that sends chills up Gabi’s spine. It shakes herso much she doesn’t even struggle as they tie her up. She just kneels on theground, allowing them to bind her wrists together and her arms to her body.

Surprisingly,Falco speaks even though he’s still shaking of fright. “What are you going todo with us?” he asks, his voice trembling.

Anotherman, the man with the close-shaven head who had been one of the first to rushto the woman when she had first been shot, pulls them gently to their feet.Unlike the other soldiers, he doesn’t look angry, only tired and wary. “Ourleaders will decide what to do with you,” he tells them. He doesn’t sayanything more to them after that. Even as he led them up to air ship to meetthe Paradis leaders, he never spoke.

Gabican’t stand the silence that surrounds them. It disgusts her. How can theymourn for their own kind like she had mourned her friends? Her friends wereworthy of grief and sadness. Their loss was unnecessary, unfortunate. How darethese demons grieve for that woman in the same way? She wants to make it stop,this silence, because it makes no sense to her. They don’t deserve to weep, notwhen it is this hell is their own fault.

Asthey approach the door to where the Paradis leaders are, the bearded man – theone who had been against throwing them out of the air ship – gently prods Gabitowards the door. The soft touch confuses her, enrages her, because she doesn’tunderstand why he wouldn’t just shove her roughly towards the door even aftershe had killed his comrade. Why doesn’t he push her, shove her down, spit onher like everyone had in Liberio? Even after everything she had done, why is hetreating them like this?

“Don’ttouch me!” Gabi hisses, jerking herself away from the man. She’s reacting moreviolently than she should, but she doesn’t want to be in the same place asthese people anymore. She doesn’t want to be spared by them, these heartlessmonsters that the world hates. She wants to hate them, wants them to give hermore reasons to despise them, wants to further justify her loathing. “I’ll killyou! I swear it! I’ll make you die the most excruciating, painful death!”

“Gabi!”Falco whispers, alarmed at his friend’s words when they’re in no state to makesuch threats.

Theman doesn’t say anything to her, only raises an eyebrow and turns to the silentman who had been accompanying them. “She reminds you of him, doesn’t she,Connie? That suicidal bastard.” His tone is joking, but his expression is stillsomber.

Theman named Connie says nothing. It doesn’t even seem as if he heard the otherman speak. He simply looks ahead, waiting for the squad leader to open thedoor.

“I’mnothing like any of your people,”Gabi spits. She looks up at the man, expecting her words to infuriate him, buthe only gives her a tired and sympathetic look before opening the door,revealing the people inside.

Connieenters before them, announcing the death of the soldier – her name was Sasha,Gabi discovers – and two of the other Paradis soldiers leave almostimmediately, calling out the woman’s name as if screaming it loud enough willbring her back to life.

Therest remain inside, looking at the two children warily. Behind her, Falco makesa noise as if he’s seen something surprising, but Gabi ignores him. She scansthe room instead to search for the leader. She suspects it might be the soldierwith the eyepatch, the one who comes in after they’ve arrived to ask thebearded man who they are, but everyone is turning to the man sitting at theside of the room. His hair is shaggy, and he’s dressed in civilian clothesunlike the rest of the Paradis soldiers. He even has an Eldian band around hisarm, but she doesn’t recall ever seeing him in Liberio.  

“Areyou…Eren Jaeger?” she asks hesitantly. She had imagined that the oneresponsible for all of this would appear tougher, crueler. She only sees ahollow man in front of her, one that looks through her instead of at her. Hisvacant expression reminds her of the one she saw sometimes on her cousin andshe wonders how they can be so different and yet share the same expression.

Noneof the others answer her. Falco tries to whisper her name, call her back awayfrom the man, but she ignores him and steps forward.

Finally,the man sees her, but he doesn’t seem to have heard her question. He simplyasks, “Who is this?”

“That’sGabi,” a familiar voice replies. “And the boy beside her is Falco.”

It’sonly then that she realizes that Zeke is in the room with them. He had blendedin so seamlessly with the rest of the Paradis soldiers that she hadn’t evenseen him at first. The sight of him shocks her into silence, but Falco is theone to ask the question she so desperately wants to scream.

“Whatare you doing with these people?” Falco asks. He’s quiet, trembling, confused.In a way, Gabi wishes she could be just like him – weak, vulnerable, scared.“Mr. Zeke…we thought you died back there…Was this where you were the entiretime? With Eren Jaeger and the rest of the Paradis soldiers?”

“Yes,”the Commander simply says without hesitation.

Sheexpected him to deny it, say that he had been kidnapped just like they hadbeen, but to say that he’s working with them…that’s something she can’t understand.How can he work with these monsters who have brought nothing but pain and deathwith them? How can he be their ally when all of them – the Eldian warriors, theyoung cadets, Gabi and all her friends – have been trying to prove the worldthat they aren’t the monsters they’re believed to be.

“How…howcould you do this to us?” Gabi says in disbelief. He’s setting her back – all ofthem back – for what? What could have possibly made him side with the enemy?Hasn’t it been taught ever since they were young? The Paradis Eldians were crueland heartless, monsters that shouldn’t even exist. So why…?

“Because,”Zeke replies, “we are not at all that different from one another.”

Shedoesn’t want to hear these words, especially not from him. He should know whatthey’re like. They were so terrible that the whole world looked down on them.She was treated terribly just because she shared the same blood, even thoughshe had done none nothing.

“We’renot like them,” she whispers fiercely, but she’s more hesitant now. She doesn’tsay it with the same conviction she did only moments before.

“Areyou sure about that, Gabi?” Zeke asks her.

Sheopens her mouth to say that she’s sure, that she’s never been so sure ofanything in her life, but she remembers the soldiers mourning their fallen thesame way she had mourned for her friends. She remembers going into battle andlighting the enemy tanks on fire, bringing chaos to her foes in the same wayParadis did when their soldiers dropped down onto Liberio. She remembers thesame vacant expression that Eren Jaeger has right now, the same one she’s seenher cousin wear so many times.

Butit’s what she remembers last that frightens her the most. It’s the face of thewoman she had shot down, but in this particular memory she’s alive and sittingon the top of a building looking down on Gabi. Her gun is pointed at Gabi,ready to shoot. Just when Gabi thinks the woman will pull the trigger, the soldierlowers her weapon and retreats, allowing Gabi to go free.

Therealization hurts her head and she crumples to the floor, tears beginning toleak from her eyes. She wants to say that those are all just mistakes. Thatthey’re all monsters, that she isn’t a part of this, that she and the rest ofher friends never deserved any of this, but she can only sob because she’sbeginning to realize that none of that is true. If that’s all been a lie, then isthere anything in her life that had been true?

Shehears Falco in the distance calling her name. He’s kneeling down next to her,trying to get close even though his arms are still tied behind his back. Itdoesn’t matter that he can’t comfort her anyway. Nothing he can say can makeany of this go away.

Shethought that she wanted to be the one to end all of this. Now she only wantsthis all to end.  

[sonofthesaiyans]

I posted 481 times in 2021

225 posts created (47%)

256 posts reblogged (53%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 1.1 posts.

I added 2,135 tags in 2021

#eren yeager - 249 posts

#mikasa ackerman - 248 posts

#armin arlert - 234 posts

#attack on titan - 229 posts

#shingeki no kyojin - 227 posts

#levi ackerman - 226 posts

#hajime isayama - 203 posts

#snk spoilers - 196 posts

#i hate isayama - 176 posts

#sasha braus - 147 posts

Longest Tag: 68 characters

#falbi gabi braun falco grice sasha braus sasha blouse hajime isayama

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Petra Deserved Better

Just happened to run into some really cool fanart of Levi’s best girl, Petra. And all I could think was, “What Could Have Been.” 

See the full post

94 notes • Posted 2021-10-21 02:31:59 GMT

#4

I’m not going to stop...

Until we get justice for Sasha Braus. I will not stop hounding on Isayama for what he did. I don’t give a fuck that it’s just an anime. 

I’ve suffered disappointment. BUT THIS. This messed with me, everything that bastard did to her in Season Four and Chapter 105, taking her away and removing anything remotely likable in a story that pretty much said fuck all to the characters who were worth a damn. In favor of some c**t tagalong that nobody asked for. I was more than just heartbroken and angry, I cannot. Get this off my fucking mind. And it’s all because of Isayama. 

He’s not going to stop us from enjoying Sasha again one day. I wish so hard I could tell him to his face how furious I am at him for what he did. I want him to know it and to see it. Yes, this affected me very badly, and I cannot forgive it. Everything I never wanted to see from AOT, he did it in the span of barely three chapters. I want him to know his work had a deeply adverse affect beyond his crappy narrative and his even crappier final conclusion. A conclusion that did NOT validate this turn of events on any level. 

I hope one day this can be made right and that he is finally forced to feel some shame for all of it. He’s got nothing to take any pride in, I don’t care how many copies he sells of that shit he passes off as a legit manga.

This story ended with the Ocean. 

98 notes • Posted 2021-11-23 07:58:51 GMT

#3

Hey! Remember this guy?

Remember what his name was? Remember when he used to be the biggest deal on the show, practically the series mascot, not counting Eren or Scarf Girl? Remember what an enigmatic personality he had? 

NEITHER DO I! 

Says something when your Titan has more personality than you do........

119 notes • Posted 2021-12-05 08:11:15 GMT

#2

Stockholm syndrome, aka Eremika....

You know, Mikasa’s attachment to Eren even after he crossed all lines that must never be crossed by any human being, even after he destroyed the world.....why because he was family? The Eren who rescued her the day they met was dead long ago. And yet she still can’t fully come to terms with what a monster he is.

You know that sure reminds me of another character who was similarly bound to somebody abusive just because they were family, but then realized that they, also a genocidal maniac, was not worthy of their loyalty anymore. Who was it now? 

Oh yeah. THIS GUY. 

See the full post

166 notes • Posted 2021-11-18 02:09:56 GMT

#1

It's been seven months and I really can't believe the audacity of many fans who still insist hating the ending means "you just didn't get it!" And they call you out as if you're an idiot for having the many questions raised by it.

It is exasperating. Honestly did anything about that finale work? Because I can't find one goddamned positive thing to say about the story after the timeskip. What is it these defenders see as redeemable about this final season? You know aside from Eren's hair and abs? Because when people don't even like the look of MAPPA's Titan animation what do you got left to lose?

I may primarily hate this season for what it did to Sasha but I doubt her survival would be enough to make me look past all the other bullshit Yams put into play here. She merely would've made it more watchable. Hange as well. And Historia.

What do these defenders think they are defending?

This story ended with the Ocean.

180 notes • Posted 2021-11-11 23:58:50 GMT

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