#I AM ONCE AGAIN AHEAD OF TIME
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
hang on i'm once again thinking about house being stupid with love. stacy moved in with him a week after meeting him. that's HUGE change. could you imagine how much he'd have to be obsessing over her to make HIS home THEIR home??? and he still wasn't over her 5+ years later after everything either.
(and like. i wonder if there was ever a moment there for wilson where he's watching house and stacy be so witty and beautiful and in love together and thinking to himself, huh. so this is what that feels like.)
#house md#stacy warner#gregory house#james wilson#i'm hacking into this man's brain rn#this man who argues the validity and existence of love he could probably fall in love in a day if he let himself#and while it's not marriage it's certainly not nothing for wilson to watch play out#do you think he was happy for him? did he tell him to slow down?#it was before the infarction so maybe. well maybe house was still an infallible figure to him#always five moves ahead so uniquely capable of handling any challenge and stubborn enough to prove it#hell he was probably more active than wilson the guy can't stay still sometimes#i'm just. hmmm. now i am once again wishing we could have had some flashback episode or something#i wanna know what everyone was LIKE before pre-infarction#how did his relationship with cuddy change how did his relationship with wilson >#(who will risk his own security TIME AND TIME AGAIN for house's benefit) become what it is#where they maybe............ a little more normal friends??? or is that too crazy to consider
53 notes
·
View notes
Text
Just curious what the average level of personal investment in these sorts of things is. Like, how much do people usually get into silly stuff like this their friends ask of them? etc. etc. Which I know, only surveying a small sample on a very specific website means I'm not getting an exact average idea lol, but.. curious nonetheless .. Maybe reblog for bigger sample size but also this is not very serious at all/not worth a call to action gbhjbhjb
#which I know this could be context dependent like.. maybe you'd normally dress up but on a week that#you feel sick you wouldn't or etc. etc. - but I mean.. GENERALLY. in the most general average scenario#where you have the average amount of health and free time that you always do. etc. just based on your personality#and level of investment in these things - what on AVERAGE are you most inclined to do#also of course assume they communicate with you ahead of time and are not like planning a part last minute#like 'throw together costume in 5 hours and show up tonight randomly' or etc. I would hope that if we're going with the#AVERAGE of things - most people's friends have better communication skills than springing entire parties#on people last minute lol#assume you have like.. a few days-a week or so to prepare. however ealrly people usually start talking about#birthdays. In my experience it's usually one or two weeks ahead of time. Like 'oh next weekend' or 'oh two weeks from now' etc.#ANYWAY.. feeling a little Sick again of course but still trying to get some photos or something posted#AGAIN i promise I am not going to exlcusively post polls and ntohing else forever hgkjgnekj#I just really really love the ability to post polls and have always my whole life been obsessed with surveying people#I used to think I wanted to do that as a career somehow like.. be one of the people that does psychological interviews#or produce interview asessments for a company or etc. etc. I am always the one friend in the group thats giving out custom made#surveys or asking for other simialr stuff (did you ever take an mbti quiz? how about enneagra#m?? oh yeah I know they're not really scientifically valid or antyhing but like... DID you take them?? huh?? did you??please?? ghjj)#I simply cannot resist.. posting a little poll every once in a while.. as a treat#whilst I still fall behind on like actual content and costumes and stuff gbjhbjh#New poll adventure should be not as much of a wait as the last one was though since I already have the writing#for it really. I just have to do the ms paint sketch. hopefully no unexpected other health issues will get in the way#*** *** ***#< (anytime I do these three star patterns it is an ocd compulsion not me bleeping out words or something just ignore it lol)#(it means something secret in my evil brain just pretend you do not see it. significant only to me)#BUT YEAH.. ... poll... what type of costume party atendee are you?#:0c
694 notes
·
View notes
Note
I've been thinking about the two-headed snake from the beginning of the show, and the Law of Chekhov's Gun is telling me that it's going to be coming back and causing problems sooner or later. Thought/theories?
The soul switching spell is definitely one of the most interesting plot and thematic elements the show has introduced and it looms over most of the fandom's thoughts regularly, I think. So let's go over it:
Plot
Obviously the biggest question here is "did Viren use the soul fang serpent to successfully switch Harrow's soul with Pip?", which people have speculated for years with about the same information (s1-s2) until s5 recently kicked things up a notch in terms of like having something new to turn over. @kradogsrats has a great meta here in regards to what exactly we can glean from 5x02 and how it may re-contextualize what we already 'know'. I highly recommend giving it a read.
That said, two things are true to me regarding the "is Harrow in Pip" theory:
Something happened in that room
Harrow is not going to come back
With these in mind, it's important to note that we know that TDP develops its seasons in batches simultaneously. The team didn't go from s1 to s2 to s3, but instead developed all three around the same time. Obviously production and some stuff was going around in order, but the only decisions that have been noted as changing was 1) Callum and Rayla were decided upon being a couple when storyboarding 2x04 as it wasn't originally in the cards and 2) Ezran going back to Katolis at the end of S2 was a surprise.
I make note of this because season two is absolutely the last point in show where you could angle things so that a Harrow who survived in Pip could come back and it wouldn't be Fucking Weird, basically. This is for two reasons:
1) We spend a good chunk of the season worrying about what the boys will do when they find out and actively mourning Harrow, with only one episode (2x07) not touching on it at all. That is a lot of time to spend on a character death you're going to ultimately undo. Conversely, we get less episodes dedicated to Rayla's relationship with her parents (1x05, 3x03, 3x08) in the first arc because it is widely implied that she's going to get them back; no point seeing her heavily mourn them when that's going to get reneged.
2) Harrow coming back wouldn't have much of a plot or character standpoint on the bulk of the trio — Callum largely received his dad/family related closure back in S2 and it'd let Runaan off the hook, so his and Rayla's relationship would be easier, not harder — but it'd nuke Ezran from both an emotional and a plot standpoint. His main arc is intrinsic to being royalty of a prince-turned-king, pushing him to make more decisions and figure out how to manage the difficult road to peace.
If Harrow comes back, he'd either stay on as an advisor (but that'd still kinda take weight off Ezran's shoulders that's currently there and arguably should be) or step away, leaving his young son to shoulder it alone. The first lessens Ezran's emotional poignancy within the theme(s)/show, and the second makes Harrow like, a bad father in ways he absolutely never was in life.
As pointed out in Krads' meta, Viren is likewise surprised when he sees Harrow alive and well in his 5x02 dream, and we get this exchange:
While we could read Harrow's initial "Surprised to see me" (because if the show points something out in dialogue, they really want you to Know) as "surprised to see me [out of the bird]" the show itself quickly does away with that reading. Viren is surprised that Harrow's survived, period. That doesn't bode well for "Viren is 110% sure that he, himself, put Harrow 100% into that damn bird". But like I said, something had to have happened, and Viren's behaviour with Pip is real fucking weird otherwise if he didn't at least try for something.
[ Side note: I also think it's worth noting what, exactly, is happening in the initial stages of Viren's dream with Harrow. This is decidedly not real Harrow, but the Harrow Viren wished for: someone who would not only forgive him, but embrace his dark magic use (aka him) rather than reject it. Not only is Harrow here alive because of Viren, but this Harrow loves Viren for what he did, and accepts Viren's act of devotion not only as one of family, but reciprocates it: "You're not just a servant. You're my family. You're a brother."
And Viren, for his part, is giving the reasonings behind Harrow's refusal ("I was frightened" / "They were coming to kill you") on both ends, without actually addressing the dark magic elephant sized rift in the room, still citing that it was about circumstance rather than principle or perspective. Moving on. ]
Remember how I said S2 was the last possible point things could've been shifted to accommodate a "Harrow comes back in full" plotline (most likely)? Yeah, well the other side of that is that S2 is the last time the show could've accommodated a retcon of "Viren didn't do anything to Harrow, actually, at all" the way that fans have often implied, and it's largely because of this otherwise very unnecessary scene all the way in 2x09 (in which other changes, like Ezran turning to go home, and Rayllum's romantic route, had been more than well decided):
This to me is the singular biggest sign that something did happen, and it's something we will uncover in the future, because otherwise, there is literally No Reason to not have Pip in Katolis upon Ezran's return. If the writing team truly intended to fully nullify Viren and 'retcon' the Harrow-bird situation, keeping Pip in Katolis and having him interact visibly and non-life alteringly with Ezran was the way to do it. But Pip has been MIA since 2x09 and has not interacted with anyone other than Viren since 1x04, and so it remains a Mystery that, likewise, the 5x02 Harrow dream went to completely unnecessary stakes to remind you of Pip's existence in the first place.
Moreover, you simply do not have a main character who can Talk to Animals (a power that outside his connection with Zym has not been incredibly plot relevant in ways that couldn't otherwise be achieved since like... 1x08-1x09 itself) and then Remove an animal he could talk to unless you decidedly Do Not (or cannot) have that conversation happen yet.
Which reaffirms what I said earlier: we can be 100% sure that something happened, and we can be at least 95% sure that Harrow is not being fully brought back in order to not lose narrative weight to Viren and Runaan's responsibility in his death and in Ezran's series' long arc.
So what did happen?
One possible answer (that I've posited, of course there are many) is that Harrow's soul got split in two.
We've seen people be separated from what would let them 'go on' before (Sarai's last breath yelling no as her spear sinks into Avizandum's chest; the Moonshadow assassin troupe in TTM). This would allow for a part of Harrow to exist in his own body (since there's a hot second between the spell being over and when Runaan's binding falls, though that might just be linked to bodies > souls, but the Lotus flowers are clearly linked to souls, so...?) and for part to exist in Pip. Pip could offer a solace and goodbye, that part of Harrow ultimately needs to be freed (literally) and left to be at peace, which could be effective and tie in both Ezran and Callum's emotional needs about their father.
Of course, this is all speculation. Harrow could be brought back as an advisor after everything, helping but not telling Ezran how to rule because the new generation should pave the way; something else could've been put into Pip entirely that we just don't have the Star or Deep magic context for.
Thematically and symbolically though, I think a lot of the actual concept of "switch souls with somebody else" > actual Pip-Harrow plot line has been brought back somewhat in full already, so let's talk about it.
Theme / Symbolism
The switching spell is, textually, a warped collision of Callum and Claudia's brains, and we see it repeatedly echo throughout both their arcs from S1-S5:
Some of this is quick-paced and obvious, such as when Callum literally switches places later just this episode and says he's Ezran, preparing to die in Ezran's place. (This is one of the reasons Callum, Claudia, and Viren circle each other so closely in the series; not only are they our three primary mages; Viren and Harrow's rift happens indirectly on Viren's end, after all, because of Callum and Claudia's collision here.)
Some of this is more of a slowburn — Claudia, collapsing on the floor and clearly having done a number on herself to spare her brother; Rayla with Callum's scarf to make Sol Regem chase her instead; Callum, taking Finnegrin's deal that was originally to set himself free in hopes he'll let Rayla go — or taken onto the shoulders of other characters (Ezran and Viren's literal king exchange in 3x04) simply because the idea of Exchange is so intrinsic to the series and to dark magic use in particular. Sometimes transactional, sometimes selfless, occasionally necessary in the eye of the beholder.
However, in a more literal sense, it sets up the series' long association of dark magic with snakes, and all that comes with it (poison, losing your soul, knowledge, chains, etc):
When Callum does dark magic, he's crushing a snake's rattle tail, a literal warning sign. Claudia for the entire first arc has a literal (snake) chain on her wrist that she uses for dark magic. The fact that the series routinely uses Christian symbolism for its villains (Aaravos eating an apple, Viren dying and being resurrected, sacrificing your "only beloved son" etc etc) only heightens this more negative association.
We also get mentions from the Book 2 novelization that the true sight serum Viren uses to try to see the mirror is 1) inherited from Kpp'Ar, which never bodes well and 2) made from the venom of eyeless vipers under moonless nights by the Oracles of Ophidia, just to double down on the "snake shit obscures your sight with dark magic and madness" angle.
But at the end of the day, thus far, snakes are just a symbol.
The more interesting way the soul-switching spell has come full circle though, already, through the possession plotline. Case in point:
Aaravos sets up his pawns to suffer and take the fall for him in the past (Ziard) and present (Claudia). He's hidden within Viren's body before (3x07 siege of Lux Aurea). He takes this to be a more literal, threatening embodiment through his possession of Callum. His soul and will overtakes Callum's body. Callum asks to die so Aaravos can't use him; in this lens, Callum will be dying for not just Aaravos' mistakes, but Aaravos' choices. Aaravos will 'hide' inside Callum's body and enact his will through it, and it'll lead to bloodshed either of Callum or of Rayla (or both) inevitably while Aaravos, in S6, will presumably get off scot free. (To be clear, Callum's not going to die, but this is the idea/risk of the concept and one of the reasons why it's so terrible.)
Which makes sense, honestly. The soul switch spell is the first real dark magic spell we get to see the context for, as Ziard's 1x01 spell takes time (3x01) as well as the moral reservations against. It just makes sense that Aaravos, the 'originator' of dark magic for lack of a better understanding, would then take said spell to its natural conclusion in which case even the consent of the vessel isn't just violated, but completely terminated and disregarded. Because, y'know — dark magic is awful, and it always has been.
#tdp#tdp meta#the dragon prince#ljf613#pip theory#bird theory#dark magic#analysis series#analysis#once again i am Embarrassed that i didn't see the possession plotline happening ahead of time 😔
25 notes
·
View notes
Text
I don’t even fully know why but “what do I do when I miss you so much?” / “Just wait, and pray desperately” was a knife to my heart in the best way.
#crash landing on you#my grandma once said most of life was waiting and praying#and when he said it it just resonated so deeply#I think because. it’s not like a revelation or anything#but I think it’s just because she was suffering so much and had suffered so much#and so in that moment#he just takes care of her so completely and gives her hope. and not a false hope#a true one#and on deeper reflection the ending does work within the context of this (in my opinion) most powerful scene#/ apex of the show#it’s just the tone that’s a little wrong. that’s too aesthetic-y.#because the kind of steady way he keeps taking care of her from afar. and the slow build of her recovering but continuing to hope#couldn’t lead them anywhere except a happy ending. even if the final pieces of it couldn’t be unraveled (or put together)#by the show’s writing. so it just kind of has to fade to black so to speak#because the characters have been so steady and consistent a) in their personalities motivations and desires#and b) in their love for each other! that never falters or betrays a false note#and it’s the truest thing you’re left with. which is why—again—I actually think the problem might have been the tone#I would have gone for something more muted. I would have had them be talking and/or arguing a little more in their old way#to keep and sustain the idea that there is more work ahead for them that we’re just not going to see#but that is ultimately a kind of nitpick. and the take me to the lakes vibe of that final#scene is also not untrue.#also circling back for a second can I just SAY. that I love the balance of their vulnerabilities#there are such clear and distinct times where one of them is stronger and the other more vulnerable#and it’s sooooo perfect to watch and gives you many instant layers#anyway I’m crying in this Chili’s tonight (*my bed at 7:00 am)
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
[The active project]
#//ooc#oldtavio#munsquid#I'll probably leave a Splat3 opinion writeup once grand festival ends#sorry ahead of time it's not going to be very nice asdkl;jg I've been grouchy since 2 but at least we got OE#since the old community seems wiped off the face of the earth it may double as a perma hiatus unless nintendo goes above and beyond#or everyone suddenly pops up again#bc right now im like that star wars bit where they find grandpa luke and hes like an asshole drinking blue milk or w/e#except they don't know who I am lol
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Aroace Furina truthers always fighting for our lives out here
#romance isn’t needed in recovery please#she deserves time to herself#I am once again asking people to remember platonic relationships are as important as romantic#I’m ahead of my time#aroace#Genshin impact
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
#i am once again asking what the fuck happened between february and the first week of may#this is why i don't get how people can say 'oh im sure charles knew ahead of time he just didn't know when xavi would leave exactly'#when nothing he's said today suggests he knew? or agreed to it?#and the timing is bizarre like if this was the plan all along why not do it before the season started#and not 6 races in with no explanation#charles even defended him in front of the press yet again when they were fishing for information#asking if this will mean communication will improve which...... lol fuck off#they didnt even have any major communication issues this year and the stuff that happened before was a result#of general pitwall fuckery - especially in 2022 when the mismanagement and chaos was egregious under mattia#feel like im just yelling into the void but this is seriously pissing me off#say what you want about xavi but this was objectively handled very poorly on fred/ferrari's part#not discussing the issue with the driver is already pretty bad but not even informing him prior to/during the miami weekend.....#that's just fucked up#i can't see mercedes or red bull blindsiding lewis or max like that#even mclaren like afaik whenever someone else has to step in as race engineer for the weekend the driver is aware in advance#like they literally just cut xavi off at the knees to do? what exactly? shove him in some dusty corner back at the factory or wherever?#never to be seen again? yeah fuck them ugh
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
the problem with not having any new fics to read bc they havent been posted yet is that when Invisible Tigers Are Hunting You, there is no distraction
#this Baseless Fear that sometimes strikes me#reminding me of my mortality and making believe it is deeply immediate despite how illogical it is#Is Getting Real Fuckin Old!#i gotta grip onto the reminder that i am Only Twenty. i have my whole life ahead of me probably.#there is Time. things will get better. someday i will Accomplish Things.#i will turn around and wish i could visit past (current) me and say It Does Get Better And You Will Not Only Exist But Live. I Love You.#but for tonight i feel very small and scared#and i am using the company of videos and stories to soothe the Invisible Tigers#i think i will.... reread some fics.... perhaps...#i havent reread stamps yet.... ill go do that#get my laughingstock crumbs#ill put on birdsong in the bg#im borrowing my friends lovely headphones. i Need some of my own. earbuds just dont do it anymore#especially since theyre noise canceling. Yummy#theyre helping immensely i think#absolutely unprompted#sorry for once again Venting on Main#i am very tired and have no other outlet <3#its 4 am. i have to get up in 7 hours. i am still too terrified to sleep#but its okay its Fine this night will Pass#thats half the fear but all the same. there are Good Things in my future. i have hope theyre there. theyre waiting for me.#ill figure it out Ill Figure It Out.#we all will!#we'll all get there. someday before the end.
36 notes
·
View notes
Text
alright Young Royals fandom
due to the circumstances and in direct correlation with the recent news (!!!) PLEASE send me your yrs3 theories (wrong answers only) 😌 let's have a little fun!!!
[i will also 100% accept simply unhinged theories as well as ACTUAL theories but for the reason of this post please specify if that's what you do!!]
#i am scheduling this ahead of time and its gonna post prior to jimmy fallon but#i once again have to stay awake for Many Hours Straignt so PLEASE dont let this flop jsjvmamkgkajd#young royals#yrs3#yr3#young royals season 3#prince wilhelm#simon eriksson#wilmon#shh ac
64 notes
·
View notes
Text
I haven't had a bed for three nights now and my desk which was really my only goal for fixing up my room is still not built
#I'm kinda stuck having to build both now :(#which wouldn't be a problem if i aLSO DIDN'T TAKE DOWN AND REMOVE SHELFS SO EVERYTHING THAT WAS ON IT IS NOW ON THE FLOOR#I'm suffering truly suffering#and then my mom was like oh while you're doing this and have stuff away from the walls go ahead and paint the room#i feel like I'm playing 4D chess over here#i fucking hate cleaning and decluttering and i hope that once this is all over my room will never be such a big mess again#i haven't even attempted to do my closet 🧍#i just shut the door and am ignoring it until everything else is settled#I'm running out of time..#my semester starts soon and I'm going to be pet sitting for a month so by the time i get home I'll be in the swing of it#truly am having a time#aster rambles#if you've read this far what's your best cleaning tip 😭
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
'those stupid *marginalized (but also Priviliged i've decided based on vibes) group facing an increase in political pushback and violence* thinking they have it worse than Anyone Else In The World. they should just shut up about how scared they are.' is not the reasanable take some people seem to think it is.
If you can't recognise something as an issue without deciding it's the Only and Worst issue that has or will ever matter, then that is a Skill Issue and also pathetic.
'Some people have it worse than you so you should shut up' has never been and will never be a good argument, no matter who's trying to use it, whether it's parents alluding to 'children starving in africa' to arbitrarily guilt their own children into eating more food than they comfortably can or anti feminists telling people to shut up about misogyny in one country because people in another country further away have it worse or anyone else doing it
#and yeah i'm aware that in both these examples they're being racist and shit about it too#people don't magically stop having a right to be scared/voice suffering/etc just because someone else has been in a worse situation#not even if you are that person lmao#there being a greater or lesser degree of suffereing does not somehow negate the lesser suffering even if it genuinley IS lesser#and a lot of the times the people saying this shit haven't actually checked whether that's even the case or not#and have no idea what people's individual situations are or what other shit they have going on overlapping with it and making things worse#they are not the ones who need to learn how to shut up#you can feel however about it. feelings aren't always logical and are in themselves neutral.#that doesn't change the fact you should be able to recognise intellectually that this is a bullshit nonesense argument.#in much the same way having had to for example pay off student loans doesn't mean#everyone else in the future should have to go through the same shit just because you did#(as in i think it's the same emotional reaction happening and a similar premise for the idea)#anyway i am once again saying that you can tell people not to panic and point out where they might be jumping ahead on things#without being a raging asshole and also completely dismissive of often very legitimate fears#mypost
1 note
·
View note
Text
.
#warning: rant about parent ahead#I’m so so so so so empathetic to mental health struggles#like exceedingly so#but it’s just so exhausting being on the receiving end of someone’s self-loathing#and to be clear I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYONE HERE#you are all my phone besties and I have so much empathy for your struggles and know that i love you all#and wish i could say the right thing to support you all always and you are always welcome to share whatever is going on#and to quote the bard herself i wish i could take the bombs in your head and disarm them#but when my mother gets into these moods she just seems to use it as a way to get a rise out of us#she’s pulling the ‘well maybe you don’t want to do x with me because it’s not fun because I’m a terrible person and you’re scared of me#and i ruin everything so maybe you would just rather i do everything alone’#and i don’t doubt she feels horrible and i know she has intrusive thoughts etc#but that is so manipulative!!!! she then puts the onus on us to reassure her that she is not!!!! But that is not what she wants!!!!#which we then do profusely and remind her that we do love her and we do do things together and whatever the fuck is the problem of the day#but of course she won’t hear it#so yes it makes us scared of her because we are always worried we’re going to say the wrong thing in a given moment!!!!#i just shut the fuck up at all times now#but my dad tries to use reason with her and of course it just ends in her lashing out and projecting all this shit on him#’oh you maybe you actually hate me maybe you want to leave me’ etc#THEY’VE BEEN MARRIED DECADES HE’S THE MOST LOYAL AND KINDEST PERSON IN THE WORLD HE NEVER ONCE HAS#i honestly don’t know how he lets this roll off his back because i am so fed up with it#It’s just so so so so hard because one minute she’s ‘herself’ and the other she’s this inferno#and we just have to ride whatever wave she’s on and it sucks all the air out of the room#it’s like the one and only time i tried to very gently bring up that something she said was hurtful *after she’d brought it up herself*#she went on a ‘oh I’m a terrible person/terrible parent’ rant and it then turned into me reassuring her that she isn’t#i was just trying to show her how the language/behaviour she uses was hurtful to me#so anyway that was lesson learned that even if she invites it i will never speak of it and luckily she hasn’t since and that was years ago#But it’s just… i know bad thoughts can’t be helped and again i feel so much pain on her behalf for what she struggles with#and i wish i could help but there’s absolutely nothing i can do#AND SHE’S GONE OFF ALL HER MEDS SO THE ONE SOURCE SHE DID HAVE ISN’T THERE ANYMORE EITHER
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
same with the sadism he gets off on how much pleasure he can give you, he revels in overstimulation until your hips are jerking and bucking under him begging him to stop or to keep going, i do believe 100% hes the king of edging
i'm SWEEEATING... ANON... 😩💗💗💗!!! he loves to spoil!!! if you ask for pleasure, he's happy to provide it in abundance if he thinks that's something you'd like or need.
jy and edging too... i DO think he gets off on control (in some ways. this is complicated and could be its own post LOL) and edging is part of that!!! i also think he simply loves to tease and make you squirm. perhaps like... leaning toward an emotional sadist in doses.
#lore answers#jy would be riddled with guilt if he ever ACTUALLY hurt you#i am also of the belief his chess-player like way of thinking many moves ahead 99% of the time will keep this from happening#i do however think jy likes to get you squirming!! and likes to rib and tease you!!!#once again. could be its own post
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
as an underclassman early morning classes and boring classes were what i detested and feared most of all. now it’s difficult classes and evening classes. my evening class last semester actively made me want to become the joker with how disruptive it was to my schedule. i sure would have never wanted to switch into a 9am yawnnnn history lecture class but at this point that sounds like a dream compared to all the tons of active work outside of class with every single professor trying to scare us to death on the first day. i would rather wake up early every day than suffer the hell that i’m currently slated for. last semester brutalized me so badly it’s not even funny i can’t do the same workload again yet worse i need a relative mental break. i do not have that dog in me. i will be going to my advisor screaming and crying tomorrow asking her to make some changes
#like i will take almost anything i can get into at this point#if it fits into my schedule contributes to my actual credit requirements and does not actively make me upset#sounds perfect#and like i am a night owl. it is known i am a night owl#but i can suffer the pain of waking up early for the greater good#i cannot suffer the pain of multiple classes at once in which the professor acts like we don’t have other work to do#like genuinely the workload hasn’t even started yet this semester we’ve had one day of each class so far#and i am like already in absolute dread and depression. just from how they’re making me feel right off the bat#i need out#i need to fix this i thought it would be ok back in november but i don’t know if the pain of last semester really sunk in until afterwards#during winter break i was like oh yay break :]#now that i’m back at school i’m like Huh. so there’s something i never actually recovered from i guess#like now that i’m here i’m like you’re telling me .. i have to do it again. even worse.#and like i was off for 3.5 weeks. but now i understand no amount of time would have ever been enough to prepare me for this#i don’t care if it means i have more work later i’m ahead on credits#this course i wanna drop isn’t strictly required anyway so like.#why kill myself. especially now of all times#sounds like a problem for a future me who isn’t having a mental episode#peach rambles
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
everyone who says i complain abt my d*d too much look away rn 🤪
#michelle speaks#my d*d is sososo evil i really just hate him so much u cannot even imagine fr#my mom has been having a really bad health issue for half the day today where she seriously needs to go to the hospital bc#she’s been in severe pain for hrs & my d*d has refused to take her & said she is making it up & a bunch of other bs he makes up in his head#also it is not just refuses to take her it is more so will not let her go period. at all.#& legit the last time this happened my mom was literally abt to die like FR before he gave in & took her & he still had to be forced#& yet once again he STILL goes ahead & insists she’s making it up or it’s not actually that bad or w/e tf#and says oh this is actually a problem for HIM bc she makes his life sooooo hard#i’m like. oh i can’t stand him. u know i like to have a laugh but when i say i literally hate this man so much. i am so serious.#like yes he’s fun to make fun of but he is seriously so evil oh i just hate him. & my mom & my brother r like oh he’s not evil blah blah#IDC!!!!!!! idc what reason they have to justify it from him i do not care!!!!!!!! i need a dart board w his face on it RN!!!!!!
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
x
#i! feel! so! disconnected! from everything and everyone#and it’s so god damn annoying#I either feel nothing at all or everything at once and I can’t balance it#but if I take the time to sit with the things I’m scared of I’ll just keel over I don’t have time for it#Im just on autopilot moving ahead#because I have to! if I don’t my fear will win from me and that will Not be pretty#and that’s what I’m so upset about like I didn’t get something I really wanted#and it’s fully because of anxiety but the alternative is WORSE#and the people involved don’t KNOW I have anxiety but I can’t tell them either because it will make them look at me differently and I can’t#afford them to. I can’t let that happen and I think this is the first time I’m realising how much it holds me back even after uni#and I’m so angry over it dndndnd so so so angry and if they KNEW how much I had gone through no one would ever doubt my ability to —#bounce back and take charge of a situation ever again. they’d know I can do that. But it’s too private to share so now it’s up to me to#BELIEVE it and just show them but it takes so much out of me every time#and if it weren’t for the pandemic I would’ve been much further along and if it weren’t for my fucking burnout I’d have been further along#and it weren’t for my Fucking dad I’d be further along. I’m just so mad#so mad that I have to undo and tackle so much when people just sail through things but for me EVERYTHING takes effort#also I have not seen or spoken to my dad since December and I have a wedding he’s attending and I can’t get out of it#and I constantly pingpong between ‘its for the best I broke off contact I needed the space to heal’ and ‘I am a horrible person for taking#his only daughter away from him instead of talking’#but I’ve TRIED the talking and he just never LISTENS????? and made me feel so unsafe in this world at all times#I’m constantly trying to undo all that and it’s exhausting and no one gets how much effort that takes and I can’t tell them either#like. not gonna unload my trauma on people but if they KNEW they’d get why I don’t always react optimally to things the way they do#aaarffggHhhhHHHhHhhh#also I’m not even enjoying festa I’m not tuned in at ALL and that’s also deeply upsetting but there’s no other way atm#Also. did a thing in PFPT today that. I feel complicated things and I’m just upset about the way my life’s been until now#its making me feel worse than I was expecting#oh AND I was on a trip with friends I’ve had for 16+ years and they all were so happy to be together#felt so connected with each other and it was familiar and safe and lovely they said#meanwhile I cried at 3am in the bathroom because I had never felt more alienated from them ever#I know who /I/ am and what I want and don’t want but the dissonance with the rest of the world….. what the fuck man. What is my place even
5 notes
·
View notes