#feel like im just yelling into the void but this is seriously pissing me off

[leqclerc]

[100layersofdaddyissues]

Angel - Chapter 4

alright my pedrhoes kits heres, this ones a bit shorter, kind of a filler chapter. 

warnings: angst, no smut this chapter, just pining and angst, im trying to do rach proud. 

Masterlist

The next few weeks went by with you trying your best to disconnect your emotions from your situation with Max. You focused on getting your workload handled, and giving Max the best head to hopefully deflect from the fact that, as you had unfortunately found out recently, you think you were falling for Max. 

        Admittedly, you didn’t see this coming, not from a mile away. You’d sleep with plenty of men to get their money, you never fell for them, you never even really cared for them. But here you were, so totally infatuated with Max that you were starting to worry about how this might affect your work if he found out, or your living situation. You've been paying the rent at your old apartment since you started working for Max, always ready for the worst case.         And here you were, three weeks since the gala, finally on top of your work and beginning work on the next marketing campaign for Lord Industries, you hadn’t really spent much time with Max outside of work and sex, but you figured that’s how he liked it, he didn’t ask you to spend time outside of that, so you guessed he really had no interest in spending time with you outside of that.         You were sat on the phone with the marketing team in the LA sector of the company, giving them a briefing for what you intended this campaign to be.         “Listen I don’t care how hard this is for you Matilda, this is one of the biggest campaigns we're going to run this year and if you’re not up to it I’m more than happy to advise Maxwell on your capacity. Neither of us want that but this has to go smoothly and if it doesn’t both of our heads will roll. Now, can you get the networks to agree to run the advertisement by next week?” you hadn’t realised how bossy you could be until you began working as the head of the department, you didn’t like it but Max enjoyed watching you bust balls, he’d never admit it, but he found so much joy in knowing that such a dominant woman was at his mercy in the bedroom.         “Yes ma’am” Matilda's voice quivered a moment and you felt so bad, but you weren’t joking, if this campaign had any kinks you were both going down for it, and you had no intention of allowing that to happen.         “Thank you, Matilda, call me if there’s anything you need a hand with.” you called down the phone just before you were abruptly hung up on.         Truth be told you didn’t know if you were handling everything the way you should be. Jade seemed to think it would be best for you to tell Maxwell how you were feeling but the moment she brought up the idea you promptly shut it down by reminding her that she didn’t know Max. But you had to admit, it was getting harder not to tell him. Not to let it slip while he was fucking you, three words and you could turn fucking into making love, but you weren’t even ready to say those three words in your mind let alone to Maxwells face. You didn’t dare think how that would go down.         Before you could linger on the unholy terror that Maxwell would rain down on you, Sookie was bringing in more notes Maxwell had sent about how he would like the campaign to be run.         “Hey honey, you okay? you look a little stressed.” her tone was sweet but concerned, you hadn’t realised that your emotions were showing on your face. “Yeah, I’m okay I’m just stressing about the new campaign, we have a week, and New York is barely keeping up, LA is slacking and don’t even get me started on the international sectors.” you huffed out, taking the new notes from her.         “I don’t mean to pry but this doesn’t look like your stressed work face, this is new, well not really new, you’ve been wearing the same face since the gala, I just didn’t want to bring it up too soon because I figured it had something to do with Max, but I don’t know how it would involve Max,” you cut her off, she hadn’t realised that she was rambling. She tended to do that a lot. “Sookie, you’re rambling, but seriously I’m ok- wait what did you mean you figured it had something to do with Maxwell” you weren’t sure how she could come to that conclusion, you and Maxwell had only ever been respectful and professional at work, (the meetings in his office not counted, but no one saw those.)         “Oh, uhm, nothing, I don’t even know why I said that.” Sookie was nervous now, and you were damned if you weren’t going to find out why.         “Sookie, why are you nervous, what do you know?” you asked standing from your seat to walk closer to her.         “Nothing, I don’t know anything, I shouldn’t have said anything.”         “Sookie. What do you know?” you pressed her further, you were going to make her break.         “Please just, please don’t tell anyone I told you, Darius would be completely fucked if anyone found out that we talk about you and Maxwell,”         “You and Darius talk about me and Maxwell?!” you almost shouted, but it wasn’t an angered shout, more a nervous one. Why were they talking about you too?         “Yes, well, we didn’t intend to at first, but then it just sort of came up over lunch and then we started connecting the dots, well I did, Darius obviously already knew, but you knew that, and then we just sort of started comparing notes. Darius says he’s never seen Maxwell this happy and confident, and I know I haven’t known you long, but I know the look of a woman whore in love and I’m so sorry if I overstepped but Darius and I we just think you’re both absolutely crazy for not admitting it to each other. I’m sorry I'll stop now.”         Your head was spinning here. Sookie was informing you that she and Darius had been having regular conversations about the nature of your relationship with Max and now you have to try and comprehend the fact that they both know you lo-like Max, and that he likes you too. You had to sit down. You didn’t know what to say, you felt like you had been silent for hours, until Sookie broke the silence by asking if you were okay and if she still had a job. You told her that you were okay and that of course she still had a job you just needed a little time alone. And as she left you did what you’d been doing for the last few weeks, you pushed that shit down and got on with your work.         Or at least that’s what you planned to do.         By the time 5pm rolled around you’d barely made enough progress on the reports, all you could think about was what Sookie said, and trying to figure out if she was telling the truth about Max reciprocating his feelings or if she was trying to save you the embarrassment. And what you were going to do.         You took a cab home that day, opting out of driving with Darius wanting to void Maxwell at all costs. And yet, as you walked in through your door there he was, leaning against your kitchen counter. His head whipped around to look at you, “why didn’t you let Darius drive you home? Why would you take a cab?” not even a hello.         “I just needed to be alone this afternoon. The campaign is really stressing me out and I didn’t want my stress to rub off on you or Darius.” you lied, flopping onto the couch, and closing your eyes. Maxwell came up behind the couch and put his hands on your temples “Oh is my sweet angel feeling stressed, I know just what will help, come on, up.” he said coming around and pulling you off the lounge by your hands. You got up limply, not really wanting to engage Max, you really didn’t want to fuck him right now, but you felt like you had to. To keep your job, your house, your life that you’ve now become accustomed to. And Maxwell sensed this. He had a feeling for about a week that you didn’t want to be in this situation anymore, but quite frankly he didn’t want to lose you. He’d tried becoming a bit more affection, tried to show you that he appreciated you, but he knew he wasn’t doing the best at it, he’d never been affectionate, he didn’t even know why he felt compelled to keep you around, he could lie to himself and say it’s because he didn’t want to risk losing the best employee, he’s ever had but he knew that wasn’t the truth. He knew why he didn’t want to lose you. But he doesn’t believe it. How can he. He was always told that he was incapable of love. Why would you be the change? “Max, I’m sorry I just don’t feel very sexy right now. I don’t know if I can do this. I have so much work to do, but of course you already know that, and I’m not getting enough sleep, and I just, I don’t want to do this. I'm sorry.” you weren’t sure why, but your voice was beginning to shake as you said no to him. Maxwell noticed this, he dropped your hands and stood back, telling you that he wasn’t interested in doing anything if you weren’t comfortable. You sighed a breath of relief. One that did not go unnoticed by Maxwell, one that hurt Maxwell. “What was that? Why did you seem relieved? Like I wouldn’t let you say no? Do you really think that of me?” his tone became more urgent, almost angry. And it scared you. By the time he finished his sentence he was close to yelling and you flinched. “N-no I didn’t think that at all. I’m sorry I didn’t realise that my breathing would come across this way. I’ll be sure not to breathe from now on.” you were getting just as angry as he was acting. “Don’t you dare yell at me! How dare you? Who do you think you are? You do not get to yell at me.” Max’s voice bellowed out across the apartment and if his anger weren’t revving you up you would have been terrified. But right now, all you were, was pissed. “Oh, so you get to yell at me, but I don’t get to yell back. That’s fucking bullshit Max, you don’t get to yell at me if I can’t defend myself.” “I get to yell whenever the fuck I want, I run this city, this fucking country, and you are nothing but a low-level fucking whore. You mean nothing to the world. You mean nothing to me.” Your mother always told you that words could never hurt you, but in that moment, that one sentence broke you both. Max never meant to say it, and you were never supposed to hear those words fall from his lips. But you did, they did, he did. He realised what he said the moment he said it, his face never softening as he walked out of the apartment though, slamming the door behind him. And you broke. You fell to the floor in a fit of sobs and tears, waiting for someone to come and console you. But no one did. You were alone and you were broken on the floor of the apartment owned by Maxwell. The man who just hurt you so much more than you thought you could ever be hurt. But once you were done being angry. You got pissed, angry, so frustrated that you had developed emotions for a man who was clearly using you. You rushed into your room, grabbed a duffle bag and only the essential things you need, only taking what you’d brought with you. And with that, you threw the key to the apartment on the kitchen table, and you left. With no intention of coming back. Your heart had never been heavier, but you walked the streets of dc with your head held high refusing to let some idiot man make you look as broken as you felt. And although your head was high, you weren’t paying attention when someone bumped into you, both of you crashing to the floor. “Y/N?” oh no. you knew that voice. “Hey George, how are you doing.” you said looking up to him. “Well, much better now that I’ve bumped into you. Literally.” George was one of your coworkers at Halo, although he had tried many times to exceed colleague status, he was obsessed with you. It started sweetly bringing you coffee every morning, and lunch when you forgot it, you were grateful for him, he was a really good friend and you trusted him. Unfortunately, you trusted him enough to tell him about your ex. And if he was mad hearing about how they treated you, he got even more mad after telling him that your ex was a woman. He then became obsessed with “fixing you” as he called it, telling you that if you just went on a date with a real man like him you wouldn’t want anything to do with women anymore. Clearly that line did not work. And from then on, he was obsessed with taking you out, asking you every Friday afternoon if you were free that weekend, and every Friday you made up some story about family gatherings, or parties, sleepovers with Jade, you made the mistake of telling him one Friday that you had a date. That didn’t go down well. “So how have you been Sweetness, we haven’t heard anything from you since you left us in the lurch. I don’t blame you if I could get out after all that shit with Henry and his dad went down I would too, and now you’re in charge of marketing for Lord? That’s fucking insane. You’re so lucky.” George’s voice was dripping with disdain and yet he also sounded like he was trying to seduce you. “Yeah, it’s been crazy, do you mind if we walk and talk, I’ve got to get back to my apartment.” you wanted to get away from him as soon as possible. “Yeah yeah of course, why are you out at this time anyway? It’s not safe for a little lady like you.” god you fucking hate this guy “I’m just coming from my boyfriend’s, he had to go to work and I didn’t want to stay in that big old apartment by myself, so I thought I’d head home, and it’s such a nice night I thought I’d walk.” you don’t know why you said you were coming from your boyfriend’s, but it was the first thing you thought of. “Well here, let me walk you home. Are you still in the same place?” you nodded and knowing George he wouldn’t take no for an answer, so you let him walk you home. That night you fell asleep to the thought that Maxwell truly did not care about you like you’d hoped he did. But you didn’t know that he had walked back into that apartment, he fell to his knees when he realised that you weren’t there. He fucked up. And there was nothing he could do to fix it. 

tags: @innerstrawberrypolice​ @maxlordsgf​ @mrschiltoncat​ @historianwithaheart​

[emakenz]

tw violence, csa, cocsa, vent

bruh i was chillin and my idiot brother who i disowned long ago was complaining about how all the pop was diet, and i told him hes a grown boy he can get his own pop, as hes 25 ya kno. we have diet pop bc i am tryna cut off on sugar and caffeine, ya know yeah. Yeah. well hes like stfu shut your fucking mouth and he comes up to me, grips my shoulder really hard, and "punches" me for a solid minute (he wasnt actually hitting me but his fist got super close each time he hit) and starts going off on how i need to shut my mouth n shit like. cry about it lil bitch youre 25 LMFAO and literally RIGHT BEFORE THAT the mf was saying i needed a lashing with an electric wire???? like BITCH get over yourself. he stayed mad for the rest of the time i was home, as i had to leave for the doctor, but seriously. i fucking hate him. i was laughing, i didnt even flinch, i wasnt phased at all and it pissed him off. what angered me was when he stormed off yelling about how he'll make a REAL case for cps to investigate. that fucking got me. im going to fucking get him back. for everything. hes never been good to me. fuck him. gonna try to find a way to get his ass sent to a mental hospital bc he fucking needs it. i want him to feel what i felt. i didnt need to go there but i was almost forced, luckily we found a way out, but him? no loopholes for him, i will find a way to get him stuck there. and after that? who knows. not gonna get thrown in jail over his ass, fuck that, gonna make him out himself. prove hes unstable and dangerous (not really just really fucking stupid) and deserves to be locked away and drugged up like they wanted to do to me for having SYMPTOMS of TRAUMA that he fucking ENFORCED ON ME. he doesnt remember nobody remembers except me nobodys helped me nobody fucking cares. flashbacks are coming again and im so fucking pent up. this family is full of sa of all kinds, especially csa, and i dont want to be part of it anymore i want to leave but i dont wanna leave my parents or my uncles and aunts and some of my cousins bc some of them are people i actually care about but its the reminders that nobody truly fucking cares. i cant be mad about it either bc everyone else has been through similar, theyre desensitized, including my brother. no fucking compassion. theres sympathy and empathy but no compassion. i feel my own emotions kind of fading at points as the depression kicks in and im exhausted and nobody cares nobody knows how to help, nobody truly wants to help. im void of feeling atm. like this is a major mood swing and i feel off but i cant find it in myself to do anything about it. i dont care either. i feel like im slowly becoming a sociopath, and it scares me yet doesnt affect me at all. idk man im tired

[dessarious]

Misconceptions, Miscommunication, and Misinformation Pt51

Inspired by @ozmav​ Maribat AU

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The next day started out well enough. Gabriel insisted on getting to the show early so he could try to find the mystery designer before anyone else had a chance to recruit them. Damian was grateful for the extra time but he knew Gabriel wouldn’t be successful no matter how early he got there. Hopefully Marinette didn’t give him an outright no and piss him off enough to come back home. He trusted her to be smarter than that but he still wanted to get this over with.

“Oracle is the security system down?” She’d sent him a comm along with all the equipment because, apparently, he couldn’t be trusted to do this himself. She’d given him some nonsense about dead spots but he was fairly certain they just expected him to screw up the placements.

“Yep, sensors are off and the security video is being looped, you’re good to go.” He took a deep breath before leaving his room just to calm his mind. He didn’t want his annoyance at his overprotective family affecting his work. He padded silently down the hall to Gabriel’s office more out of habit than necessity. He was the only one in the house as far as he knew, but caution is what kept him alive.

Entering the office he was again struck by Agreste’s need to overpower everyone else in the room, even when he wasn’t there. It was a sign of a large ego that had been trampled on regularly. That explained a lot actually.

He went around the room placing and activating the devices knowing that Oracle was watching his through the security cameras. She didn’t correct him once which he took an inordinate amount of pride in. Maybe they’d learn to trust him.

“That’s all of them, are you getting all the feeds?” He stood in the center of the room to see if he could spot the devices, when he was certain nothing would be noticed he moved to other parts of the room and repeated the process. He was confident no one would notice he’d been here.

“Yes, they’re all active and we’ve got complete coverage. I’m already picking up one or two rooms in the house that shouldn’t be there. Hopefully he accesses them from this room, if not I’ll send you more devices to place in other parts of the house.” Damian snorted.

“The man lives in this room. If there’s an access point it’s here.” He had no doubt about that, mainly because almost all the locks in the house had been removed. This was the only room that guaranteed complete privacy. “If we’re done I have other things to attend to.”

“Got a hot date?” He could hear the mocking laughter in her tone and forced himself not to react until after he left the study.

“Just because you lot make decisions with your hormones doesn’t mean we all do.” Most of his siblings seemed to think he was interested in Ladybug. He didn’t know why but he’d rather they focus attention on the hero than delve into his civilian life. It was bad enough with just Marinette making assumptions about his feelings.

“Easy baby bird. You won’t be so high and mighty when you meet the right person.” Damian just rolled his eyes as he shut off the comm. He was hoping to get to the fashion show before the big reveal. If he knew Marinette she had a speech prepared and it was sure to ruffle feathers.

When he arrived there was still an air of anticipation. He didn’t see Marinette anywhere but he did see Chloe and Luka standing together. That was less than optimal. In the other direction he saw Gabriel, Nathalie, and Adrien. He stood there far too long trying to figure out which would be worse. Adrien and Luka spotted him at the same time and started walking towards him. He actually had to remind himself that he was a vigilante so that he didn’t just turn and run out the door.

“Damian! I thought you weren’t interested in fashion. If you wanted to come you should have said something.” Damian scowled at the accusatory note in Adrien’s tone. Before he could respond, Luka made it to them.

“Damian, we weren’t sure you were going to make it. Mari will be happy you’re here.” The soft look in the other boys eyes did strange things to his insides, and suddenly putting Adrien in his place didn’t seem quite as important. At least until he opened his mouth again.

“You’re not seriously here to see them are you? After what Mari’s mother did to the class it’s obvious she’s just vindictive and petty. And if he’s still hanging out with her I'm sure he’s no better. You shouldn’t be seen with people like them.” Damian didn’t even realize he’d cocked his fist back to punch the entitled brat until Luka grabbed his wrist. His glare was returned with a sympathetic look.

“He’s not worth it Hibou. Let’s not ruin this day for Mari. She’s worked so hard to be here.” He continued to glare at Luka waiting for the other boy to back down but he didn’t. Finally Damian huffed out an annoyed breath

“Fine. I suggest you stay away from me after today Agreste. No one insults the people I tolerate and gets away with it. You get a pass today because I have better things to do but next time it won’t matter.” He turned and walked to where he had seen Chloe while Adrien sputtered behind him. Damian would have to remember to call his father and tell him he might be getting kicked out of his current placement. He didn’t realize Luka had used a nickname for him until they were halfway across the room. “Why did you call me that?”

“It seemed appropriate.” Luka’s thoughtful expression assured Damian that he hadn’t been making fun of him. “You’re nocturnal, protective of your home and ‘people you tolerate’. You move silently when you need to and strike swiftly.” One of Luka’s hands moved to brush where Damian had one of his concealed knives. “And you have very sharp talons.”

Damian felt himself blush. They way Luka said it, it was more than a compliment and he didn’t know how to react to that. He’d been avoiding the boy all week to try and figure things out without the distraction of his presence. He hadn’t made any progress and it was driving him insane. No one had prepared him for this and he wanted to yell at both of his parents for the oversight in his education.

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Kofi

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[swampgallows]

i just woke up, it’s close to noon here, five hours is good enough i guess. i keep thinking about college and how fucking suicidally depressed i was then and how ive spent half of this year being unemployed and generally just struggling to take care of myself in the most banal and basic ways possible, and how depression really does just delete years from your life. you live through them in a daze,  you’re already a ghost, you’re already dead. questing in wrath of the lich king is honestly some of the last shit i remember concretely before going into a two year gray area of passing my classes and nothing else. i remember breaking up with my boyfriend because he chose raiding over me. i dont want to talk about it again. the memory is still painful. still, even still, ten years later. and in late 2008 i was attacked in my dorm room and i was screaming and my roommates thought i was being a big ol slut. they thought any guy that came over was someone i was fucking. when i went to blizzcon in 2008 and my brother stayed in my dorm they thought i was fucking him too until i told them he was my little brother. they tried so fucking hard to suppress my interests and make me “like them”. “there’s more to life than world of warcraft and pokemon” they said as if going to college basketball games and rewatching disney movies has any more enrichment or depth beyond what i was fucking doing. my life is so full of hatred, from myself, from other people, just being fostered in me in general, and it’s only within the last few years that i’ve gotten to heal from it at all, all the time being hurt more and more

i was talking to a friend yesterday who is just 19 and thinking about where i was when i was 19, which of course puts me in 2009 again, the year i dropped out of existence, and i was telling them about how i was essentially raised by the ilk of 4chan and the piece of shit community on wow that, like, since i’m around ~liberal genderqueer~ tumblr-type spaces all the time, genuinely shocks me to remember still exists, of those fucking hypermasculine overcompensating military dudes. and we were talking about how like, nerds in general tend to have shit social skills or anxiety or are Othered in ways that have them reinforce this piece of shit pecking order where the loudest and meanest proclaim themselves the Leader and everyone just follows them because theyre too meek to challenge them or they mistake arrogance for confidence and assume any asshole crowing that loud about how Right they are all the time Must Be Right. 

and i thought of my own life, my ex QP, my old friend groups, my abusive ex boyfriend, how i mistook so long their malice as strength, how i was duped by their self-aggrandizement. they had no skills, no talents, no girlfriend (except when i dated them), no women in their lives in general, no real friends they could count on (except, for my abuser, an older man with 3 children and a brand new divorce whose house he muscled and manipulated himself into—”i cant even bear to be in the old master bedroom anymore”—and my abuser promptly MOVED HIMSELF INTO IT) no hobbies, and the one or two hobbies that they had—fishing, video games—they were fucking less-than-passable at. my ex-qp wasn’t good at video games. he would use cheat codes or just play the strongest character and rely on everyone else to pick up his slack. warrior, carry, tank, what have you; all of us his underlings to support him to victory—”I’m doing all of the damage and getting none of the kills”—he would whine, oblivious to the concept of teamwork and seeking credit within the only realm he had a semblance of succeeding in. 

anyway so when i first joined tumblr i swung the pendulum in the other direction because i absolutely had to, it was for my survival to become a virulent feminazi as they put it, and i was obnoxious about it, and i reposted rape statistics all the time and challenged people all the time because i had to. i had to let it overtake me in order to purge all of the 10+ years of toxic social conditioning that places like 4chan and their little infestations in WoW and all of my abusive partners instilled in me. i had to be vocal about rape this and sexual assault that because i spent the better part of my adolescence trying to laugh away the fact that i was raped as a child, trying to make jokes about my “delicious flat chest” and pedobear and “surprise buttsecks/it’s not rape if you yell surprise” and “delicious loli”; some of the images i had willingly saved on my ancient hard drive are absolutely harrowing to go through now as an adult knowing my mushy impressionable 14 year old traumatized mind was trying to cope with and gloss over what had happened to me and with the future i was facing as a budding adolescent in this kind of environment. men didnt want to be responsible for what happened to me or with what would happen to me, it made them uncomfortable for me to talk about it, so i was told to laugh it away, that nobody cares that i was raped, that i was stronger if i could just laugh about it, that no topics were beyond reproach or off limits, and that if i wasnt desensitized to my own suffering then i was weak, i was a sheep, i was a burden, i was letting my emotions get the better of me.

obviously, tumblr as a whole DIRECTLY acts in opposition of this: everything is rooted in our traumas, which we are expected to lay bare for all to be taken seriously: 4chan demanded that we invalidate the trauma by making a joke of it and allowing the masses to pick it apart for their own entertainment, to become part of the anonymous “legion” by offering up our individuality to be consumed by the group (as a currency of “lulz”, basically); tumblr, reflexively, demands we validate the trauma by making it an open and public integral asset to our identity, to have easily digestible and categorized characteristics so as to fit into the tumblr hierarchy of needs, their own misinterpreted facsimile and microcosm of existing systematic oppression, and obtain a sort of fixed currency of privilege or “woke points” dependent on identity politics. so i definitely needed to purge my previous conditioning with this reclamation of my identity as a survivor, etc, and had about 7 years of misplaced anger and fury condensed into a good two or so years instead, and even now im still parsing details. 

it wasnt until i was 22 that i had even heard the term asexuality and it wasnt until i was 25 that i realized i was bi (or “could be” bi), even though i had already been in love with and sexually active with women years prior lmao. i had been told by every possible source that having a dick inside me would change my life and change my outlook and change me into a better person or whatever the fuck, that i would “understand” and “grow up” and “become a woman” or whatever and guess what it did fucking NOTHING, just like every teen drama romance or whatever tries to stress over and over, sex is not a magical lifechanging event that hands you a million dollars and a healthy brain. it changes your life in some ways and it’s definitely not something to be taken lightly but in no way is it a cure for anything.

i dont know where i’m going with this, im just fucking pissed off about my life, im pissed off that healing takes so long and that i had to do any of it in the first place. im so pissed about all of my time wasted with this fucking piece of shit body and fucking piece of shit brain and i wish i could just go back to work and be a functional human being but im like just a short leap away from doing any of that. i have to get in touch w my previous HMO once the new year starts now that im confirmed for medi-cal, and i should have done it months ago, but i have to just accept that this whole time ive been not USELESS but just utterly CONSUMED by self-preservation, that it is taking most of my effort to want to be alive and stay on this planet any longer. especially now with my teeth bugging me so bad because i cant fucking take care of myself so im grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw and i guess eating improperly or what have you idont fucking know. im going to buy a waterpik even though it’s fifty dollars and i have not made ANY MONEY in the last 6 months or done ANY of what i wanted to do and i still have a number of commissions needling at me that i genuinely like cant fucking even look at withotu fucking hitting myself and crying, and im seriously not trying to make fucking excuses, i am so fucking ashamed and consumed by self-hatred about this, this has been a problem for me SINCE COLLEGE where i was an ART MAJOR that i had to fucking beat the shit out of myself to try to draw anything “seriously”, and i do mean literally beating myself, bludgeoning myself with my morris sticks and smacking myself in the face/head and clawing at my skin, and i fucking hate it

i just know i need like SO MUCH recovery or healing or whatever the fuck, i feel so long overdue for very basic shit, and part of me feels like a withering plant, like pouring water over dry leaves thinking it’s just going to saturate itself and be instantly rejuvenated. im losing leaves in the process, as it were, and getting no “water” all this time. i feel like i’m in drought mode. these last six months are me basically conserving all i have, toeing away from the edge of the cliff because iw as so ready yall i was so fucking ready, i was ready to jump off, i spent whole lunch hours just ready to fucking leap, staring down the void, staring at the winding road that went up the mountain, staring at the deer who stared back at me, hiding my face from Adults who treated me like a wind-up doll, i just couldnt take it, ic ouldnt be somewhere that sterile, i couldnt be spending so much of my life getting so little back, i coudlnt see my friends ever, i couldnt breathe, but in general my brain is sick and i need to heal from all of these things, i need to figure out how i can cope with being alive because i am going to be alive at least a little longer and i need to not fear and crave death simultaneously. i do not want to die, I DO NOT want to die, but i cannot live in a constant state of recuperating. my life has just felt like the Shutting Down... screen for the last 2 years. 

NEED a new dentist NEED my teeth fixed PLEASE GOD open the stem cell dentin treatment to clinics worldwide GOD fix my TEETH PLEASE let me REGROW my TEETH NEED therapy NEED to fix my brain NEED to figure out how i can cope with being unable to support myself in this shit fucking economy NEED TO RECOVER NEED TO GET BETTER PLEASE IM FUCKING SUFFERING 

[fatesinthenight]

Dark's Heart (part 9)

You look at yourself in the mirror. There you are all dressed up for the big day. But when you look in the mirror knowing this is supposed to be the happiest day in your life your not.

You remember how you got to this point. You remember being in the hospital after an accident with some people who were bothering you. The nurse asked you if your boyfriend was coming back when you knew you didn't have one at that point. While you were recovering your friends visit you and tell you they are sorry for being mean to you and to forgive them. What was most surprising was your ex came and was helping you recover. They insisted they really changed and proved it by helping you back on your feet and really taking care of you. You both begin to rekindle a relationship and then out of the blue you get proposed to after being back together for two months. You said yes thinking everything was better this time around and your ex proved to be better for you. Your parents thought it was way to fast but said they will still support you. And within a next four months you planed the wedding. What was wrong was what you learned what happened the night before.

Your fiancé got to comfortable with someone and made out this someone else while celebrating their last night of "Freedom". You were so mad but your fiancé told you it meant nothing and it was a mistake and they were drunk. They said not to back out now and said this was too expensive not to go through with. They begged you that it will not happen again and you said it was ok but you lied.

You didn't tell anyone you both fought and tried to act happy when you got ready and took pictures. The thing was you felt like you didn't really even love your fiancé. That deep down there was something off. You sit in a chair and take out your phone. You do what you always do to make you feel better, go to YouTube to see some videos. You go to Markipier. You have been a fan for a long time and he always makes you smile. You smile watching him play a new game and smirk when he begins to rage at something. You are about to go to another video but then see your favorite video which was "A Date with Markiplier". You go to that and go to the path that leads you to see Darkiplier. You on purposely pick the option to stay with Dark as you always do. For some reason since your accident when you see this video it makes you sad. Like you feel a void in your chest and it lingers there even when you finish the video. Every time you see something on Darkiplier you heart aches a little. The shirt you have of him from that event you don't remember going to makes you feel fuzzy and when you snuggle it you feel better.

You hear a knock at the door and look up to see your mom. "Honey its time." She smiles at you. She sees you looking at the video. "That one again? I will never understand why you like this guy so much."

You sit up and smile. "Mom you know me. I have a weird taste in men."

You are in the front of the doors and feel so nervous. You walk in ready for the wedding. Now you are there with your soon to be partner. They say their vows and while everyone in the crowd is in tears you aren't. It feels wrong to you but you smile anyway and say yours. Then it is time for the I dos and your fiancé saids it. Then you need to say it but the words don't come out. You look out to the crowd. Your friends look concerned at your hesitation. Your mom looks at your father and he doesn't know whats wrong. You tell yourself say it, you made it this far and your parents are actually acting nice to each other for your wedding. You take a deep breath. "I-"

The doors in the front swing open. It startles everyone and they look back to see what is wrong. Dark stands there and fixes his tie and walks up the isle. Your father stands up. "Excuse me who do you think you are!! Your messing my childs wedding."

Dark looks at him. "Im not the one who gave them trust issues for most of their life."

You look at Dark in awe. "Ummmm am I seeing things or is this the guy from the video you were just watching?" Your mother is so confused. 

"What the fuck? what the hell is going on!!" Your fiancé yells look very mad at Dark.

Dark stands up to your fiancé. "Your the ex." He looks at you. "So much for the pep talk we had. O well." He looks at you.

Your heart pounds and you don't know why. Was it because it was someone you have been watching online that is not standing infront of you or because his eyes felt like they were taking you in. Dark looked at you like it was the first time in years even it had only been six months. He remembered every feature of your face and was taking it in seeing you dressed so much. "Can I help you?" You ask him head tilt but blushing.

Dark doesn't say anything. He steps up to you and takes you in his arms and holds you close. He runs his hand down your waist and keeps it on your waist. his other hand goes your back making you shiver. It continues to go up to your cheek and he pulls away to look at you. He puts up his void to stop everything around you both being in your own little bubble. You want to ask him something but don't when he instantly kisses you.

You feel your whole body melt. He wasn't just giving you s simple kiss he was literally devouring you. His lips crushing into yours making your lips feel so hot. You don't stop him and don't know why. Then you see something. Like your looking at pictures that are covered and the cloths on them slip off revealing a memory. You start remembering things the more he kisses you. Like a veil is being lifted from your mind. Dark pulls back to let you breathe and continues to kiss your neck and nibbles at it softly. You feel like you cant stand anymore and you take a small breath and he comes back to kissing you. He doesn't hold back and he even goes far enough to lick your lips making your legs feel more like jelly. Then he gives you one long slow kiss moving his lips gently against yours. You finally remember everything having a shield in your head break showing you Dark smiling at you.

Dark holds you away a little to look at you. He didn't expect you to remember him and just wanted to kiss you after so long. He sees a tear come down your cheek and you lift your hand to his face, caressing it. "Dark..." You whisper.

The way you said his name made his heart swell and ache. "(Y/N)... you remember..." He looks at you and leans in to kiss again but gets stop by a slap to the face.

He lets you go instantly and holds his cheek as it stings. "Yes you indeed remember."

"You stupid Edgelord!!! Are you kidding me!!! You seriously erased my memories!! O hell no!!! You thought you were helping me by doing that. Gosh you are so stupid for someone who thinks so highly of himself." You stand up to him and start smacking his chest repeatedly. "You dummy!! Why did you wait so long!! I almost said yet to my ex who still cheated on me before the wedding day. O my god and then here I am this whole time wondering why I always watched your video when deep down I felt like I was missing you a never realized it. But nooooo you couldn't let it go. You had to make your dramatic entrance and shit like the drama king you are and make out with me. Did it feel good umm hell yes your an amazing kisser but still you are so dam stupid." You stop smacking him looking down. "Dark... you left me... I didn't want you to leave and you did... I get it you thought it was best but... it sucked. I freaking hate you for taking those memories from me..." Your crying and look up at Dark. "But that only means how important those memories were to me... I missed you Darkiplier." You kiss him yourself wrapping your arms around his neck running your fingers through his hair. Then you pull back and he tries to pull you back in then you give him a light smack on the cheek. "Im still pissed at you but it will do for now."

Dark chuckles. "I expected nothing less. I suppose for my behavior in ruining your happy day I owe you."

You give Dark a smile. "Now you mention that you did just stop my wedding. We got this chapel, took a while to find catering, sending invitations was a hassle, and I got this nice clothes just for it... and it is going to the dump. However you are saving me from someone who clearly didn't change their ways and from me getting a really nasty divorce in the future so I say its slightly even."

"Slightly even?" Dark raises an eyebrow.

"Umm yea. There was a huge cake I'm not going to be able to stuff my face in. That's like to worse part of this whole thing. Now that breaks my heart." You hold your chest dramatically wiping a fake tear.

Dark smiles at you and wraps his arms around you. "You really are a unique one."

"I know right." You laugh. "Ready for the after math?"

"I live for messing with others happy moments. Don't you remember?" He snaps his fingers and the people come back. Dark kisses you infront of everyone for them to see. Everyone gasps.

"Im sorry to inform you all but this wedding is canceled due to this one making such a terrible decision in a partner." Dark saids cooly to the others.

Your ex looks at you and Dark and turns red. "Your a dam slut!! And I was going to give myself to you!!"

"You gave yourself to too many people to count. No to mention you were cheating on (Y/N) with one of their friends for the past three months. Also you did make out with someone else before this day and no you were not drunk I know you weren't. So kissing me is a blessing compared to the mistake of being married to you." Dark saids calmly but is clear to have a lot of hate in his tone.

He picks you up in his arms cradling you to his chest. "If you will excuse me I need to take (Y/N) back home with me. Good day." Dark walks off with you leaving everyone in the chapel speechless. He places you into his car and drives off with you. You look at him the whole time smiling so much because you have him with you now. He takes one hand off the wheel and holds your hand. He peeks at you and he smiles.

"So now what?" You ask him. Dark looks at you and has a certain look in his eye that makes you shiver, in a good way.

"I haven't been with you for this long and I have been wanting you this whole time. I think I deserve alone time with you now your mine." Dark makes and evil smile and you blush red.

"Are trying to seduce me sir?" You say playfully.

Dark looks at you and pulls your hand to kiss it. "Isnt it obvious?"