#Hold Me Together Part 3
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I think the same reason I love Dorym is why I love Loquatious and Laerryn. One, the devotion of it all. But secondly, and more importantly, "But there's one story of a fairy who stumbled into this world and fell in love"
Because Dorian is an air genasi prince who left home to find something real. His home floats on wind and he's never wanted for a thing. And he came down from his clouds only to find himself stumbling, tumbling, into love with just a man.
There is something so earnest about a man who is considered magical and wondrous in a world that already has magic, falling in love with someone who just is.
It's a thought that scratches the back of my mind a lot. It goes hand in hand with Liam saying "he has no idea if Dorian returns his feelings". Because from Orym's point of view why would Dorian have feelings for him? Dorian. The beautiful blue prince who is extremely talented in both music and magic. Dorian is everything Orym admires in other people. Everything he doesn't see in himself.
But Dorian does have feelings for Orym. Because Orym is everything he's not. He's firm and reliable. He knows who he is and is unapologetic about it. Orym was the only one in the (original) Crown Keepers that wasn't tempted by the spider queen. Because he was too principled. He was too good. Dorian's alignment changed. Dorian felt himself getting worse. Yet Orym stayed steadfast. In the face of everything he did not change.
Their pursuits were the same. They wanted to protect their friends. At any cost. But Orym somehow stayed unchanged. He always knew the right way of doing things.
So the handsome prince fell in love with a guard and planned to stay with him until he no longer wanted the company.
I literally said to a friend "I know he leaves. But he is so devoted to Orym I don't know how they're going to get him to."
And it was the one thing neither could argue against. Family. Orym knew about family. He knew about duty.
But even a continent away Dorian couldn't stop thinking about Orym. His little tactician before he was the savior blade. Even when his world came crashing down, Orym called and he went.
Idk. I think there's something beautiful in the way that Dorian loves Orym. I think it is very reminiscent of the fey who stumbled into this world and fell in love. I think it will be a love that will always be with them. That they will have to recover from. A love they might have to mourn before they ever have it.
Even if they never... If there is no love confession, if they have to mourn the loss of the people they thought they were, if there's no way for them to be together; Dorian will always love Orym. In the same way Orym loves Will. First love often lingers.
#silver sending stones#this is so long and rambly#you do not have to read it#but also i might cry about it#i love them both so much#i hope this makes sense#idk i just think Dorian loves orym a fucking lot and will until he dies#like in my brain. if they dont end up together. dorian is on his thrown still thinking about orym.#if dorian is off as a traveling bard in a different tavern every night. hes thinking about orym.#he might be married. he might have a family. he might be /happy/. he is thinking about orym#i am very serious about the part where he will always love orym the way orym will always love Will.#even if hes not dead.#dorian woule never hold oryms love for will against him. he wouldnt think orym loves him any less because he still loves Will.#i think a future spouse would be under the same impression.#idk#orym of the air ashari#dorian storm#dorym#cr 3#im only on e 86(?) so like dont @ me#i also havent seen(many)spoilers since they came back from downfall so as little spoilers in the notes(if there are any)would be appreciated
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imagine holding your f/os hand, in public or somewhere private. all that matters is that you're both enjoying the physical contact and being close to one another. if one of you aren't comfortable with it - causally having your hands brush against each other or touching in some way.
#my favorite war criminal <3 would hold my hand anywhere and everywhere she is physically able to#when she needs her hands free/i do she loves making sure our hands are somewhat touching whenever possible#director cat ears is more of the “having our hands touch when passing something” type because of how she needs to be everywhere all at once#but when there's downtime she holds my hand for however long she can#written in the S.T.A.R.S. loves any kind of hand holding/touching w me and makes sure some part of our bodies touch while together#f/o imagines#imagine your f/o
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came up with my own line of splattershot designs! been wanting to do this for months; a more straight-edged design that would hypothetically work better in a lowpoly style iykyk
#also as i was drawing i noticed the part holding the ink tank in place was reminiscent of I II and III on the existing splattershots#but someone over on X (Formerly Twitter)™ pointed out they looked more like digits and i agree#mine is reminiscent of a 4 instead and it honestly wasn't even intentional but i did notice it WHILE i was drawing it. happy lil accident#so when they're all put together like this it just feels. so official? not to toot my own horn but#also my ttek is like. what if s2's ttek design idea except it didn't suck ass (i am a HATER of s2's splat-brand weapon designs. fite me)#splatoon#splatoon 3#splatoon 2#my art
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I got these shoes from someone recently but thought they were way too plain looking, so I set out on a quest to customize them with some sharpies and charms and miscellaneous ribbon I had in my craft drawers. Mostly sky themed (clouds, rainbows, rain, stars, etc.) because that's my favorite aesthetic, but I had to include some cat imagery as well, of course lol.
#also honestly had NO IDEA that real converse have that star logo on the INSIDE not the outer part??? why the hell would you want it on the#inner portion where nobody can see it?? my entire life I always would have sworn it was on the outer facing portion..#I think these would be perfect IF they were just slightly taller (top part higher above ankles instead of just weird hard material digging#right into your ankle whenever you walk) and if they were actual good platforms. they're so short. It's good that 'chunky' shoes are gettin#more popular as they've always been my favorite Look ever since I had these shoes with roller skates that pop out of thebottom (not heelys.#but like. before those. it was two whole entire roller skate wheels like a normal pair of roller skates) and the bottoms were so tall and#clunky and it made my feet look giant (because it had.. entire wheels in the bottom pockets lol). so#I've alwatys been into the aesthetic but . still I find a lot of the 'brands jumping on trend' are too short of platforms#OR they're plafrorms with a raised back/heel/wedge which to me is not aesthetically good and also makes them exceptionally uncomfortable to#wear compared to just plain completely flat chunky platform bottoms. ANYWAY.. if these shoes had a 3 or 4 inch platform I think they'd be#cooler. however for what they are it's still fine! and I like them more now that they actually have some sort of anything to them and#aren't just plain white. The weird thing is that the material it's made out of (maybe some sort of leather or something) absorbs sharpie?#the color changes over time. You draw a mark and then leave it for a few days and it either fades into being barely there or has changed#colors. so I had to go back in and redo parts. ALSO the shoe chains are so funny because I did NOT have the right tools for them#I don't have the stuff to make bracelets or open and close the little rings. they're held onto the shoe with just safety pins and the actua#little rung things that hold the charms on half of them are like broken or the metal is just jam smushed together bent and warped hhbjhjhb#I actually like the back a lot where there's the irridecent star thing hot glued on there. it's cool and shiny. and the clouds#are sparkly on the main parts of the shoe though I'm not sure how well it shows up in pictures#ANYWAY... shoegs..... If I were rich this is one of the things I would definitely custom order from craftsman#why would I spend like thousands of dollars on plain ass shoes that are just expensive because they're a Luxury Brand when I could literall#like pay people to create me custom shoes to my exact specifications?? I could have like 5 inch flat platform boots with fur andclouds#and cat shaped holes in the bottom with LEDs in them with pom pom and charms and etc. etc. etc. Like as gaudy and excessively over#decorated as I want lol.. AND they could have skates in the bottom somehow!! ghjgbhjb#this on top of all the custom wizard costumes and period clothing I would order.. Like i LOVE customizing things. I love everything in my l#life being as particualr as possible and cultivating every experience I have to meticulously meet my own specific criteria as much#as is possible. If I had the money to I would never buy something from a store again. EVERYTHING I owned from furniture to clothing#would be either made by me - or mostly - comissioned from craftsmen. custom tiles for my floors. custom bed. custom table.#even like. custom toilet. custom sinks. etc. etc. ouGGH... but yeah.. anyway... shoes..
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This post by @bladeofavernus got me thinking about Wyll struggling to maintain his clothes after being cast out, his last scraps of home. But I can absolutely see a detail like that playing into a Wyll/Astarion romance.
Like, it begins with Astarion watching Wyll absolutely massacring another of his shirts by trying to stitch over a hole or a rip, and he can see Wyll starting to get flustered. So he takes over with a dramatic sigh, shows Wyll how a master does it - lets him watch as he works.
Time passes - their relationship deepens - and Wyll starts to notice his stuff going missing night after night - a shirt or trousers or his sleepclothes, only to mysteriously reappear in his backpack. And when they reappear, they're tidy and repaired, with a new little embellishment.
By the time their journey comes to an end, whether Wyll is slipping on his shirt or his socks, his fingers brush a bit of embroidery, and he knows he's loved.
#we're talking henry viii/katherine of aragon level monograms on his clothes#like a W and an A interwoven together#little ravens and plum flowers#stylish blood droplets#maybe even a little mermaid tail#i just feel like astarion wouldnt be v vocal about his feelings#and thats such a big part of wyll#but stealing a shirt and stitching something lovely on the inside of the sleeve#taking a skill that for both of them came out of survival#and turning it into a declaration of love#i could never write bg3 fanfic but this got a hold on me i must say#wyllstarion#wyll ravengard#astarion#bg3#baldur's gate 3
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i want a man hold me like something thats breakable before he sees how close he can push me to my breaking point
#for funsies even :3c#and then of course hold me and help me put myself back together after thats the most important part#safe sane consentual blah blah#dear sadists i love you im looking up at you with sparkly gay little eyes rn#men be mean to me challenge <3#im very much in the mood for a big man to simultaneously pamper and be mean to me#sighs dramatically and gayly#sad!sm#masoch!sm#mlm nsft#gay mlm#t4t mlm#s@dism#m@sochism#cambarks#mean <3
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Okay im still brainrotting about your amazing work AND I HAVE TO ASK ABOUT THAT DAMN BULLET.
Will it make a comeback?? Will someone get hurt again?? Is Raph 100% okay or will there be some complications with the wound??? Idk if I’m fixating on minor details but I’ve been thinking about it sm
I mean... On a scale of 1 to ten,
.
.
.
How mad would you be?
#rise raph x reader#ao3 fanfic#rottmnt#honestly props for reading into the details#because i'm really the type to only pepper in a few clues for context and then weave them together as i write more#but i promise i'm holding in my urges for the most part#i'm not lying when i say i want this story to be easygoing#but...y'know... subplot is always fun#and you can almost never have fluff without a liiiiitle bit of... not-so-fluff#honestly this ask made me genuinely want to try doodling again in a long while too so thank you <3
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Everyone’s mad because His Man 3 popped the BL bubble
#his man 3#but actually#the show skipped out on its gay experiences jenga this season#and it felt as if everything had become so insular within the His Man reality show universe#and suddenly this last episode throws the pairings into the real world#and shows gay experiences#and some of that is heartbreaking#and some of it is sweet and empowering#and some choose not to show us their experiences at all#and all of those things are part of being gay outside of a bubble#where people have jobs#and time together is harder to come by#and you become aware of what kind of pda and communication ur comfortable with#honestly very moved by hanmin and yj being willing to film and share that moment#but it’s really compelling beside the shots of ms and mk walking around in crowds holding hands#because it reminds u of what an isolated environment the show takes place in#and what kind of pressures occur that make it hard to achieve the BL fantasy relationships#hanmin stated his intentions and reasoning so clearly#and it absolutely gutted yj but it also frees him#to find someone who’s a better match for the reality of his everyday life#which is clearly busier than most based on both hanmin and mk’s statements#idk it didn’t feel forced to me except for the filming aspect of it honestly#but 🤷🏻♀️#hanmin#youngjoon
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I had the thought of Tom or Billy sniffing their new babies and I thought of you for some reason.
-cj aka @cheesewritings
no bc billy loves the new baby smell. like from the minute you bring your baby girl home (he’s a girl dad, first and foremost, fight me. maybe he’ll have a son later on, but his first kid? a girl, the girliest of girls.) and she stops smelling like hospital (probably after her first bath… which was somehow both a chaotic scene and a warm, wholesome bonding moment for the three of you), he’s got his nose to her dome like all the time, just breathing in the newborn baby smell mixed with the lavender nighttime baby shampoo you two had cleaned her fluffy, downy hair with. at first, billy tries to be discreet about it, because he thinks it’s weird. however, when he catches you sniffing her too one night as you rock her to sleep, he realizes that maybe he’s not so weird after all… or maybe you two are just equally weird… but, billy thinks, if he’s weird in the same ways that you’re weird, then that truly wouldn’t be so bad after all because at least your brand of weird isn’t off-putting (in his opinion… you disagree on the grounds that 1) you don’t think his brand of weird is off-putting because you don’t think anything about him is off-putting and 2) you think you can be at least a little off-putting sometimes).
as for tom, i hc tom (at least the version of him from my older!tom au) as not ever having kids (simply because he doesn’t want to have them), but you can bet that anytime he meets one of his newborn nieces or nephews (he has quite a few siblings… which means he also quite a few nieces and nephews) for the first time, he’s always quick to cuddle up to them, cradling them gently in his arms (now that’s been through this whole thing a dozen or so times, he’s a pro at holding newborns), and luxuriating in their soft skin and sweet newborn baby scent.
#for those of you who think sniffing newborns is weird#you’re right but also have you tried???#they smell so good#it’s like if sleep was a smell#no.. its like if sleep and love and wholesomeness all got together and made a scent that perfectly captured all three of their essences#it’s delightful#plus like if you’re already holding them… it’s not like it hurts anybody to just.. take a lil sniff of ze baby dome#in the universe somewhere there’s a picture of me fast asleep holding my neice when she was a newborn#like with her head on my chest and me reclined back a bit in my dad’s lazyboy#and my nose is pressed up against the crown of her head#and this is the exact reason why#because i was luxuriating in all the lovely parts of having a newborn baby around (namely cuddles and sweet baby smell)#ask and i shall reply#lovely anons <3#cj <3#billy knight x reader#billy knight strike#billy knight#tom grant#tom grant x reader#tom grant (make up)#older!tom grant
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Perfect comedy routine (Patreon)
They love each other <3
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#The Captain#Meme#And one more under the cut hehe#I didn't have that meme format mind until after I'd made the doodles but I'm delighted by it regardless hehe <3#I loved this scene hehe <3 Specifically Artemis' perspective lol - it was such a brief summary but so perfectly written imo#In general the way scenes move is so cool! Scaffolded improv ah <3 Such cool construction of movement!#It's so clear where the skill implementation takes place - at least how I see it hehe - of how moving your singular piece affects the others#Not of stepping over each other but of having almost simultaneous scenes that overlap agh it's cool! Very unique#Except where it doesn't but that being by design to move the scene in a specific direction I jfdlsafd it's so cool!!#Anyway lol the scene at hand! Haha#The way all the pieces fell together is so perfect ♪ So clear how everyone played their parts masterfully to such a silly end! I love it#ZEX and Zelnick off playing with each other as Artemis just watches like ''Well there went that window'' smiling all the while haha#I considered for a moment to draw it from ZEX's perspective instead closing in on the two of them to hug his Captain but this was easier#And funner to actually see the hug in action hehe#ZEX hugs forever!!#It doubly makes me happy to have that meme format because I love the original it's very funny but hhh <3#The way Mr. Momoa holds Mr. Cavill's waist is so lovely! There's another picture of his hand on his stomach and it's just ah ♪#Humans and their pretty composition interaction! I just love hugs haha#Silliness and happiness <3 My favourites ♥
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Yes, society runs on the kindness of seemingly uncompensated labor. But I promise, if you stick around and stick with it- you will be compensated with the most fulfilling and meaningful life. With the richness of empathic regeneration. It will go beyond thank you. Beyond hugs and friendship and even love. Being kind to each other is the whole point. The sum of the whole will be greater than the sum of the parts.
Voluntary kindness is EVERYTHING. Today I shared kisses (the chocolate kind) with a few ladies at school.... then a very kind lady with pink hair gave me an ice cream sandwich (she didn't charge me anything :'3 which was a surprise)... and then ANOTHER kind lady came into THAT kind lady's shop just to gift her sweet grapes that she mentioned she grew out of her backyard!!! Then guess what???
The cycle continues!!!!! And we're all so grateful and smiling. We're all so much happier than we would've been just buying these things because we had to for ourselves. Everything tastes better when they're coming from someone who thinks of you and cares. I love people.
I'm hopeful for dream weavers making this happen. College students voluntarily sharing pages of textbooks and lab manuals. Kids voluntarily sharing their toys. Strangers sharing benches and holding doors open for each other. It's all in the spirit of KINDNESS. I'm so proud of the camaraderie I've seen within society and to be a part of it. I'm proud of whoever is reading this for all the nice things they've done on earth too. It might seem unnoticed or uncompensated for now but hold onto this vision. It's a positive feedback loop. It's symbiosis. It's mutual aid. It's humanity! I'm so grateful to play a part.
#i mean this in the most non overexploitative and sincere way#people are good#thank you to the kind person who sent me $ 'for treats' today :')#i thought it would be bad to share what good i received but... it ended up working out exponentially well#i hope that kind person somehow received their kindness back#if they haven't yet then i know they will#<3 i gotta message ppl back ikik btw!!!!!!!!!!!#gotta finish important stuff first and hopefully by the time I'm done... well... i may need to sleep by then#but this post is what's most important and i hope all the ppl waiting for a reply read this#when i tell ppl ty for talking to me or messaging me i mean it so much#it is so incredibly kind to send a friendly message and it feels good to receive#moreso on difficult days when i wake up uncertain that kindness is rly the point of it all#it is#i know this#(don't ask how)#i'm holding onto that vision#tightly and desperately#like it's my final hope bc it truly is#so grateful to play a part WITH YOU ALL!!!!! WITH YOU!!!!!#we're in this together
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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musings on insects, isolation, and how much can change when you're not looking
#i started this like a month ago#and finished it today because i was laughing at how much the sentence 'i'm going bug hunting with my partner' would kill pre-college me#but yeah. i'm still learning to accept that i'm not alone anymore.#learning to love insects was easy. it's a lot harder to learn to love myself#in the wise words of a fic my friend wrote: it sucks so bad sometimes. but even when it sucks it's better.#personal#insects#also all of the scenes in the middle two pages are specific memories that have contributed the most to why neither of those things are true#1. meeting my partner in an entomology class i took on a whim#2. the fateful 8 hour dnd conversation on a field trip for that class that started our friendship#3. trip to a museum (i also could have drawn the part of that trup where i got to hold a cockroach but i don't have a picture of it)#(and i really like that picture of her)#4. seeing a cockroach on the way to class and both of us yelling 'oh my god a little guy!'#5. working at an insect collection together (oh god the things our boss has probably heard)#6. seeing a boxelder bug on the way to see a movie together (we always saw insects when we spent time together)#7. seeing fireflies for the first time when i visited her over the summer :D
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Sick in the head for the toh crew to have the b plot in elsewhere and elsewhen be clawthorne centric with new lore about them introduced when we didn't even know yet that it thematically connected with the wittebane centric a plot of that episode. Sick in the head
#ramblings of a lunatic#the owl house#toh#i am rewatching things#part of me is like. oh i shouldn't just rewatch ftf again i watched it just last week (ish)#and I'm watching some season 2 hits in the meantime#(I didn't finish ttlgr bc i was in a weird headspace when i started and i need to chill for a bit before i come back to it again-#-theres nothing in that ep that upsets me i was just in a bad mood and it was rubbing off on how i was experiencing the ep-#-which wasn't fun and didn't feel fair. watching this show is so emotionally involved for me I'm realizing bdbdjfbfk)#and anyway i do still wanna do the thing of watching thanks to them followed immediately by for the future#but also i might literally just wait until the last episode airs (IN AGONY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT) and then putting the three together#bc of the whole idea that this season is like. a weird sort of movie#(I don't wanna get too optimistic or predictive for the ending bc i wanna be open minded and not be reactionary when it comes out-#-BUT i have faith that all of season 3- despite the hurdles and challenges it faced- is gonna hold up pretty well for the circumstances)
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#Today is just one of those days#Too much sound (carpenters) too many people talking. Too many people yelling. I had exams too much light and bc of the carpenters#I cant even hole myself up in my room for half an hour until I calm the fuck down. On top of that I have to deal with my sister who does no#Not listen to me at all and purposefully tries to annoy me as much as possible. And every part of me hurts I had to stand in the bus for 3#going and coming together. Which sucked ass. I want to sleep so bad#Im both holding back tears and my fists may the lord give me patience because if he gives me strength then someone is getting slammed#this has been coming for a long time. I know it but today is just an unfortunate day to have an overload#The heam speaks#The heam yells into the abyss#Sorry for that I just need to scream and I'm not allowed to so AAAAAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA
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I've been... Absolutely normal? After this breakup with the person that I really genuinely wanted to spend my life with.
It happened Friday night, I cried most of the night and a little on Saturday but then something just shifted and I've been like 99% fine and normally and happy since then? The only time the sadness has really hit me since has been thinking about how upset my (dying) grandma will be that she won't be able to know my partner. But otherwise? I got horrendously drunk on Saturday night, had tons of fun and was fine with a guy low-key flirting with me. Since I got thru the handover and sleepiness on Sunday I've been utterly normal, getting on with work, reading romance and enjoying it rather than being sad or jealous etc. The main stressor has been the number of deadlines I've had this week and trying to manage my parents' reaction and reassure them I'm fine.
It's not that I'm complaining I've not been truly and utterly crushed by the heartbreak, but I'm just weirded out by this reaction. I'm worried I'm bottling it all up and it'll explode later or that this is me sliding back into depression, but I'm still enjoying things and it doesn't feel like depression? Like have I actually reached that level of emotional maturity that I've dealt with everything (or most things) already?
He decided about a week ago that he didn't want to go through his early twenties having to factor someone else into his life plans. I understand it, I respect his decision, acknowledge that there's no use in trying to talk him out of it, appreciate the fact he told me as soon as he could in person so we ended the relationship still loving each other rather than growing apart and resentment building. I really can't stress how I've never loved or been loved by anyone like with him before and that he has been the most important person in my life for four years. Accepting that the life we were planning together has gone has seemed to happen so easily and it feels like something must therefore be wrong. It's helped that we haven't seen each other in person and haven't currently got plans to I guess because I think it's going to really hit when I can't be physically affectionate like before. But even with the distance I still just can't understand why I'm feeling so nothing about this. He brought up that he might want to break up in March and I cried far more than this. Have I been emotionally checked out of the relationship since then without realising? Am I just bottling stuff up without realising? I just wish I knew
#im very used to being alone#even during the relationship we were long distance for most of it and i was living by myself or with emotionally distant family#and last month i moved in with 3 friends and with uni starting I'm able to socialise more even though i still prefer to be alone a lot#so maybe its the fact that i dont feel so isolated that's helping?#even when we lived together i only really had my now ex around to turn to for friendship#also with university im so so overworked but it gives me structure#so im with friends and have a purpose#which is maybe whats holding me together#i think i did process a lot of this after we nearly broke up in march#i said to him months ago that I ultimately want him to be happy and if he decides that its not with me then ill hate it but accept it#i am also on a lot of adderall lmao#switched prescriptions today#anyway even if im slightly scared everything is going to explode out of me one day#i am still proud with how im handling this#i could have been so vindictive during the break up but i knew thatd only hurt him and that i dont want him to be upset#so i wasnt#there were a couple of times i said stuff that i could have left unsaid like how i had our anniversary card already written and in our desk#and i think part of me did want him to hurt at that but mostly because i wanted him to see how much i was? still petty I know#but also i think I'm allowed a bit of pettiness when im being dumped pretty much out of nowhere#idk man#its not bad necessarily its just weird#we said we'd talk on the weekend so the first convo post break up wouldnt become a Thing of who would blink first or whatever#and i want him to know im alright but i don't want it to seem like im bragging or that it means the relationship meant nothing to me#like hey I've lost the most precious thing we had together and actually it seems im fine without it#i really really hope hes feeling a similar way#our friend and my housemate went to visit him yesterday so hopefully hes let him know im coping fine so he doesnt have to feel guilty#i dont want him to be alone in a new house full of strangers and heartbroken#ive been telling our mutual friends to look after him and saying they really really really shouldnt take sides or anything in this#and i dont like thinking of him being sad and knowing there's absolutely nothing i can do rn to help other than giving him space#rambles
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