#HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED? 1 DAY??? CANT BE ITS BEEN SEVERAL

[iced-souls]

I am happy to say i have gotten the correct tmnt comic this time

And im very patiently waiting for it’s arrival

Veeeery patient

Only a pre order away!!

Patient….

[catpop2]

So uh... Earthspark Au idea

So you know how occasionally Starscream and Bumblebee somehow get paired together and goofy shenanigans insue? Like in IDW for example- Well take that but add some more shit to it- Like a lot more hand wavy magic shit to it.

Anyways spoilers for Earthspark Season 1, the whole thing. And also uh brain fart moment right here so its very rambly but I wanna try and get the main point across. I will elaborate it people are intrested tho.

Well I had a goofy au idea brainfart moment where after the events of season 1, the autobots and decepticons have to somewhat colaborate which each other to survive on earth. From finnaly freeing every captured Decepticon in the form of a transaction to get Starscream and his remaining seekers do an extended sweep over the entire earth in order to comfirm Dr Meridians death because oh boy his body mysteriously disapeared (And because Seekers aint called seekers for nothin, they hella good at tracking down anything that exists)

Other scheningans insue because Megatron wants to reconnect with his Decepticons and beocme friends with everyone- But like none of them are really having it, in fact the main motivator for any con is that they want to protect their new generation, the terrans, therefore they wont try and obliterate the autobots at every moment. This is specifically true for Starscream who literally cant exist in the same room as Megatron but gets absolutely swarmed by terrans the moment he is near them, most notoriously Hashtag and Twitch but mostly Hashtag.

And then there is Bumblebee, the mentor of the maltobots who will do anything to keep them safe- But not much can be done when your protégés are pestering the most dangerous Decepticon to ever Decepticon (Aside from Megs but he dont count anymore) So he has to just sit there and tolerate it-

Eventually though trouble arises once more and the maltobots have to fight for the freedom of their kind, now joined not only by the autobots but occasionally even a Decepticon or two whenever their expertise come into play, but the cons aren't doing it for the Autobots thats for sure.

Bumblebee is always with the terrans whenever he can be, but the five are more grown as each day passes, and far harder to keep an eye on, especially since the concept of war has been properly introduced to them. So when Starscream is there to provide intelligence or sneak stolen gadgets to Hashtag and Nightshade, Bee has to appreciate the weight the seeker unintentionally takes off his back. Afterall Starscream may be extremely dangerous, cunning and deceitful- But it certainly does wonders for him to be near sparklings.

Where the au comes into real play is when the threat of Dr Meridian resurfaces much to everyones dismay (Like pee paw willy over again).

The terrans and the kids are locked in tight combat, trapped in a very dangeorus and likley fatal situation of which they havent quite grasped the severity of. This time they dont seem to have the grace of Quintus Prime at their side as things look really grim, their only proper cybertronian assitance comes in the form of Bumblebee and Starscream who are forced to hold off the threat together the best they can before help can arrive. While the terrans do a great job of fighting alongside them as they have proved themselves plenty of times- It doesn't seem to be enough. All of them are left tattered, injuried and worse for wear- Particularly their two cybertronian gaurdians who had just taken on a fatal blow to protect them.

Quintus Prime, unlike the Maltos thought before, was with them, he watched them. He hoped, but there was little he could do, it was not like before...

But... There was a call, a plee. A promise of service. Not from the humans or the terrans. No...

Something else entirely- A presence akin to Primus itself- A spark, reaching out to him. Promising to protect.

Ah yes. The cybertronians. One of them had not yet given up yet, despite the fact he no long had functional limbs nor wings- It was present, nearby somewhere was also another presence, but so much weaker, so fragile and quickly fading.

No.. That couldn't work could it? They were already established sparks, born from the allspark directly-

Perhaps that could work.. Perhaps the Emberstone had a little extra light to give.

And so, from the rubble- Right as the enemy intends to strike another blow, two new protectors rise- And two new presences began to circulate between the thoughts and feelings of the Maltos.

[unfilteredflare]

So something i havent blogged about but i desperately need to vent (and im sure my friends r very tired of hearing about it)

Ive had a health issue for several years now. And its severe allergies

Not just seasonal pollen. Like, i am severally allergic to dust and possibly even animal dander

If i dont take any medicine, i would be sick 24/7. Which is what was happening to me years ago. Thought it was the flu or a cold but it went on for months and months and months

For example: i have a very high work ethic. Its a direct result of how i was raised. I never call out sick unless im in the hospital. But i was so sick that i got fired for the first time in my life. And it was because i was missing too much work. Im sure they thought i was just lazy and irresponsible. But i was legitimately that sick 24/7

Eventually i was able to figure out that taking Zyrtec helped. So for several years, if i remembered to take my daily Zyrtec then i was mostly fine. I would slip-up sometimes and forget and then my life would be hell again. But still, i was functional and mostly ok

But then it started losing its effectiveness. I was starting to get sick every single day again, a couple hours after taking my Zyrtec. So, even tho im not suppsoed to, i started upping my dose. I take a Zyrtec every 12 hours. These r 24 hour Zyrtec doses that im having to take every 12 hours or i start getting sick again

That was a year and a half ago? 2 years? That i started that. And its, once again, losing affectiveness

Zyrtec is fucking expensive and i am going to have to start taking 3 a day just to keep my allergies at bay

Do u know what its like to be sick 24/7? For months at a time? If im not careful, i could become dehydrated in a single day because my nose leaks so much snot. Literally i got so tired of wiping and blowing my nose that i would sit a the kitchen table, put my forehead on the edge of the table and just lay a towel on the floor directly under my face. And my nose would drip drip drip every couple seconds like a leaky faucet. Ive rubbed my nose until its bleeding and gone through 3 boxes of tissues in a single day. The pressure buildup behind my nose and eyes is so fucking painful that i cant sleep. Literally, one time i had to have my mom take me to the fucking ER because i was going blind. It was just snot building up so much pressure behind my eyes that my vision blacked out. My ears ache. Especially when i sneeze and it creates pressure behind .y ears. The fucking sneezing. My sneezing has gotten so bad, that now (tmi warning if u dont wanna know) every single time i sneeze, i piss myself. I have to wear pads like diapers, otherwise i would just be constantly drenched in piss.

Allergy medicines dont work on me. Even if i took the max dosage for Benadryl or Dayquil in 1 sitting, there would be no effect. Specifically because this problem has been going on so long and steadily getting worse. That my body has built up a natural immunity to all allergy meds

The worst part? It can only get worse. The more time passes, the less medicines work. The sicker i get

If i could, i would gouge my eyes out, cut off my nose, and destroy my nasal passages if i could. Im just so fucking miserable literally all the time for years and years and years

I actually dont know how much more of this i could take

[raven]

i feel like the tipping culture in my country might be different than in yours so i have a question (in good faith, i hope it comes across this way): why does tipping seem to be “reserved” only for waiters? why isn’t tipping for example cashiers a thing?

yeah im not super in the know on why tippong originated but heres my perspective as someone whos worked counter service cashier jobs and food retail and as a server

tipping is not reserved for waiters it's for people in the food industry, including cashiers, baristas, delivery drivers, etc (& support staff at restaurants get tipped out too) as well as for people giving services like hair dressers, masseuses, tattoo artists, taxi drivers, etc. like many people (stupid) wont tip cashiers and many places (fast food) wont let you tip their cashiers (they do get paid regular minimum wage though, while server minimum wage is 2.35 but it's weird to me to not allow tips). I always tip on to go orders bc the workers are doing the same amount; my restaurant doesnt have to go orders really but my old one did and tips on to go went straight to the support staff. but basically, its just how it is. why not tip retail? thats just not how it is. I dont know. Sorry. I havent really worked retail (i worked food retail and didnt get tips, but people would sneak me cash since i was doing some barista stuff) but it's kind of just that you are less in control of a customer's experience, generally. Like if you get your bra size measured, would you tip the person who did it? Idk. I'll have to check this out when i get my size measured soon. Idk, i try to tip as much as possible lol. Cashier, barista, etc. i buy something for $5 leave a $5 tip because it feels bad to leave just a dollar or two... theres also a retail store that allows tips at checkout and idk what it really goes to but i tip every time, i guess i could ask. and there's other services you tip for like hairdressers or masseuses or tattoo artists or taxi drivers like i mentioned before. at least thats just how i and others do it. because these people spend time, even several hours with you helping you and are probably not paid enough is my guess. (definitely taxi drivers are not paid enough especially if its uber/lyft...) Do you tip car repair? I need to get my car repaired, I'll look into it...

For why servers are prioritized in conversation: The bottom line is that it has been ingrained into american culture down to LAW that servers get paid less because they get tips. love it or hate it, by not giving tips you are not showing you disagree with a system, you are just fucking over a worker. You still spent the money at my restaurant, it will stay open. Many servers are also against passing laws to invoke minimum wages to lessen tipping because they would be paid way less, and i cant blame them. Like, my restaurant cant afford to pay me $60/hr. I got paid $60/hr tonight. I felt like i was going to die, but i would feel the same way if i was getting paid minimum wage by my employer, and i would be getting 1/4 that amount. Like serving simply isnt really worth it as a job because of the toll it takes on your mind and body to deal with customers, stand on your feet all day, carry heavy plates, clean the restaurant, etc, if we are not getting lots of money. At least for me since im disabled and killing myself with this job lol. But i have no college education and i LOVE feeding people good food! (I've also worked counter service not fast food, complicated , we did a lot of takeout, i mostly cashiered, never got a ton of tips, it was definitely much easier than being a full server in a full service restaurant. you should still tip people there thoughh)

[violentviolette]

you've mentioned a few times that you have severe food allergens and I wanted to ask if you could expand on how that is or link educational sources since I'm planning to write about a character with food allergens but don't really know where to start in regards to research. thanks in advance !

unfortunately i cant help with the actual medical side of information because i dont actually know whats wrong with me or why this is happening lol ive been to a few doctors but im still in the process of figuring out whats going on and its pretty slow going because i have state medical insurance and so the dr's i can see are kind of shit because they're so overwhelmed with patients

ive been diagnosed with ibs but that definitly is not correct, or at the very least is not all i have. i suspect i might have some kind of autoimmune issue or mast cell problem tho. been looking into MCAS but that's very hard to get diagnosed and tested for because there's not much information currently available and alot of drs dont even think it exists

i got deathly sick around 7 years ago and physically couldnt eat for about 4 months. i was living off 1 tablespoon of chicken broth and 3 saltine crackers a day and lowkey almost died a bit. i couldnt keep anything down and everything i tried to eat i immediately threw back up. genuinely thank god im fat and had excess weight i could afford to lose because i lost 70lbs in 4 months, which if i'd been an average weight would have literally killed me. eventually i started to be able to hold down more food again, but thats when the allergies started. at this point most things i eat cause either lower intestinal issues (cramping, severe stabbing pain, burning, nausea, bowel problems, ect) or they cause a really bad allergic reaction (itchy gums and mouth, stuffy/runny nose, itchy watery eyes, hives, general itching on my hands and arms, difficulty swalling, vertigo, and in really bad cases passing out). i also have severe acid reflux and my stomach is constantly full of acid, which has caused some diverticuli and intestinal bleeding cause my intestines are just kinda erroding. this has all also lead to me developing pollups in my intestines which are like, fucked up collections of pre-cancerous mutated cells, and i have to get those removed every 3 years now so they dont turn into actual cancer

id say if u want to go the route of it being purely an allergy then MCAS would be a decent one to start with as far as autoimmune disorders go. it stands for mast cell activation syndrom and it's when ur mast cells, which control ur immune system and are what produces histamines, go all fuckey and become hyperactive and view everything as a deadly allergen and respond in extreme ways to absolutely everything and anything

googling stuff like mastocytosis, mast cells, mcas, and other related searches should be a good place to start

[rayymanic]

05/29/2023

tw? kind of in detail/graphic talk of sh

Today was a very good day. I walked a mile, did a workout, and rollerskated. I also had a yogurt bowl which was very tasty! I didn't have any self harm urges until roughly ten minutes ago? I was just laying with my cat and i remembered pictures I had taken of my cuts and missed the feeling, but I got past it and did my face care routine to distract myself, worked wonders. I still feel off though, like something is missing. Ive been self harming for almost four years now and I always had open wounds. Ive come to realize that i dont feel like myself without open wounds. I know the feelings will pass and over time i will heal mentally and get out of this mindset, but it sucks right now.

While my stepmom was doing her daily bodycheck on me to make sure i havent cut, she mentioned taking me to see a dermatologist later on and having them prescribe a scar cream. I dont know why but this really bothered me. Ive told her and my other parents that i dont mind my scars because they are a part of me now and i want them to fade/heal naturally, and i dont know if they dont care what i think or if they dont like them. I dont want my scars to fade quickly. I have to live with the consequences of my actions. She makes me put on this over the counter scar cream every day and i hate it so much, i dont even have control of my own body at this point. Im pretty sure they want my scars gone because they think its ugly but i dont. i think its beautiful. it reminds me that i survived. and im proud of that.

My grandmother had to bodycheck me last week because i was at her house. she is a very conservative, christian woman who is known for being judgmental so i was scared. I mean she went outside and cried on the porch when she found out that im queer so i didnt know how she would take this She asked me how i cut and what i used and why i cut and she told me that its going to leave scars. im pretty aware of that, one look in the mirror and i can tell. she asked if she could take pictures , why would she need pictures? i told her no and she seemed to get a little more upset. i dont really like her,, she told my parents about my facebook account (i had them blocked) and got me in trouble so ,,

i was supposed to start therapy two weeks ago, but i didnt. my dad and stepmom are notorious for not taking my mental health seriously and putting things to do with it aside to do other, meaningless things. i was told im going to start this week but im not sure. the school therapist told me that im going to be doing two kinds of therapy - regular talk therapy and intense trauma therapy. my stepmom insists on doing trauma therapy with me and the school therapist accidentally let it slip that my "therapist" would tell my parents everything we talk about. how am i supposed to get better if i cant confide in my own damn therapist? does that not break the patient confidentiality rules therapists have? they think i was cutting because of the trauma i endured when i was 9-13 but its not. ive almost healed from what happened, the reason i was cutting was because i have severe chronic depression, my pills werent working, and i hate the enviorment im in. i hate the people, the scenery, everything. whats funny is my dad and stepmom are blaming everyone but themselves when they are the actual reason i was cutting. thanks dad! thanks for fucking nothing

on a brighter note, i reached 1 month sh free a couple days ago! thats really big for me, i havent gone over two weeks in years. im sorry this post is so long and messy, i just need to get how i really feel off my chest. i hope whoever reads this has a wonderful morning/day/night and has lovely dreams <3

this has a lot of spelling errors, its late at night. i should be sleeping,,,

[philtstone]

not even god can stop me now, here is what i have so far:

their first (and only case to date) was finding their weird friend's nephew's missing cousins, who snuck on board a tour bus full of old people headed for wine country and accidentally took down a crack cocaine den in the process

the "episode" plot starts when eowyn and faramir both show up needing help because no one else is taking their familial woes seriously. eowyn needs help getting her brother out of prison and faramir needs help finding his brother, who has gone missing

theoden owns a ranch called thengels ranch. it is barely profitable and the evil power company is trying to buy it from him but he keeps refusing

eowyn-faramir meet cute is in the PI office front lobby, obviously

gandalf is the equivalent of shawns dad. hes sort of retired lives in a bungalow by the ocean and they go to him for help on some obscure point of confusion once every case. keeps coming out of retirement for 1-2 business days for commitment to the bit. wears a lot of hawaiian shirts and probably sells weed out of his bathroom

elrond is like chief vick if chief vick was not a police chief and instead owned a bed and breakfast that sees all of the towns major dramas. in true immigrant dad fashion hes convinced aragorn and arwen wont have the money to survive In This Economy unless aragorn finally gets his fucking medical degree (its been years. he passed the mcat with flying colours. there's a family doctor shortage in the area. think of the people and your girlfriends incomeless humanities education, aragorn!)

aragorns true passions lie in herbal medicine, arwen, and guitar and he (correctly) thinks the healthcare system is corrupt. he does however finish med school eventually & is of great service to his community.

gollum is the awful hairless cat frodo adopted out of the garbage cans one day and adores, but cant keep at his uncle bilbo's house (his best friend sam is allergic) so he asks his uncles sort-of-bachelor friends to keep him at their PI office. daily havoc ensues. quoth aragorn "he does not like me very much, for he bit me several times"

the "this is my partner [wildly incorrect name]" bit is absolutely still going strong this universe. it is done by legolas, constantly, and always involves one of aragorns million fake names (no one else is in on the meta joke) and something really stupid and pop-referential for gimli.

"my name is legolas thranduilion and these are my partners eagle of the western star and goncharov"/"my name is legolas thranduilion and these are my partners strider longshanks and sh'dynasty. that's s-h comma to the top dynasty"

"that is mahal's comma, sir"

boromir went missing because he was trying to figure out how to tell his dad his real dream in life was giving up his sports scholarship to UCLA and coaching little league soccer instead while studying physio or something at home, but then he accidentally stumbled on the evil power company's Plot against thengels ranch and was kidnapped. or something. alternatively, he decided to go wilderness backpacking to clear his head and his phone died, so his disappearance was classic episode gotcha plot twist number 1. no one dies in this universe thank god its too stupid

naturally, the final clue to uncovering the evil power company's machinations is found in frodo and sam's eighth grade science fair project

shadowfax is the polar bear. from that one polar bear episode. but still a horse. aragorn is convinced he isnt capable of murder despite everyone else's suspicions.

objectively speaking i could envision gimli legolas and aragorn running a chaotic private investigator firm a la shawngus from psych except instead of two guys its three and also their uncanny seemingly superhuman abilities have absolutely nothing to do with detective work

[theflyingkipper]

tell me everything about your interpretations of real life locomotives

i just think they're neat

hello I am so sorry for making you wait months for an answer on this, I hope this is good!!

So I do have some locomotives from real life as part of my headcanons for TTTE characters (for example, Onslaught, Glory, and Greyhound are part of my D10 lore- and in my headcanon Diesel 10 is warship D810 “Cockade”)

But there are a few that don’t exactly relate to TTTE. I’ll be talking specifically about how I characterize them, with some links to past artwork I’ve done and any other informative links

Santa Fe 2926 (or “Santi”)

(2926 is the only one I’ve given a name that’s different from its running number so far, since shes the only one ive officially made into an OC)

Santi had a very short working life when she was still in service, and spent decades as a static display in a park. Oddly enough, shes not so grouchy as most display engines tend to become. I like to think she was in limbo for the most part while on display, kind of like Duke being buried in the shed. (Or like Captain America getting frozen for 75 years) When she woke up during the beginning of her restoration in the early 2000s, she was unaware of how much time had passed- which was very disorienting. Fortunately she’s had the restoration team catch her up on the last 60 years of human history.

Santi as of writing this post hasn’t been on any excursions yet as far as I know, and is still cooped up in the yard. I think she keeps an audio log of how she’s slowly going crazy in there.

“Day 325 - the restoration team fixed my whistle! Its a shame I have no one of my own kind to scream at with it!”

I think Santi and R&N 2102 are pen pals. preserved 4-8-4 besties for life ❤️🚂

they narrate what they want written out loud to their engineers, they both sign off with 0000-00000000-0000, their shared wheel arrangement in text.

~

Denver and Rio Grande K36s

(I want to give them names, and they’d probably all start with the same letter)

9 out of 10 of the K36s are preserved, the 5th one got scrapped. In reality, the group is split across the Cumbres and Toltec Scenic Railroad and the Durango & Silverton, but for the sake of this interpretation they’re all together

I found out about the K36s through a video by History in the Dark, he has a series of videos of “10 of the best trains ever”. I cant find the exact episode :(

Imagine the Dieseasel but there’s NINE of bill and ben instead of two. Though they aren’t as mischievous, they’re definitely just as irritating. They’re sort of a strange hive mind of little engines, akin to Ariel’s sisters in the Little Mermaid. Any time something spectacular happens on their railway, they find some way to spiritually communicate the happening to dear #485, their sibling who fell in a turntable and had to be scrapped- her damage was too severe. Though 485 was very much like the rest of them, she sort of becomes their saint- who they leave offerings of coal and water for in her old shed berth like its a medieval icon. Any time one of them misbehaves, one of their siblings is sure to tell them that 485 would be ashamed and she is not smiling on them right now.

Although this strays from their real life history quite a bit (and their gauge, which is 3ft), I think it would be hilarious if Thomas met them in a RWS-ified BWBA. He comes to their little railway and they all go front over wheels about their strange visitor. I also think the dynamic between them would be interesting, since the K36s are 9 out of their original 10, and Thomas is 1 out of the original 10 E2s. However, It’d probably take a while to get to that point in conversation with how supremely creeped out Thomas is by the K36s slightly cultish practices

Also, they’d probably chase him out of their little railway with pitchforks and acetylene torches if he brought up anything about turntables. They’re a bit of a touchy subject .

~

NKP 765

the 765 isn’t hard to find videos of XD Since shes the pride of the Nickel Plate Road and not converted to burn oil like lots of other large preserved engines, she takes pride in her unique status. I like to think she has the attitude of a great aunt or grandma with a gritty sense of humor and a laugh that could shake the walls. She does get puffed up in the smokebox, though, and has a hard time admitting she’s wrong. She has a bit of a parental relationship with the diesels on her railway, some of whom call her “granny”, and other endearments relating to her age.

~

New Zealand V Class

in a very different vein than everyone else, the V class all met the absolutely horrifying fate of being BURIED IN MUD

in my interpretation of them, The V Class have all become eldritch horror abominations, and local engines have kept their ghost stories alive and well. (usually taking the form of wayward vengeful spectres that like to make themselves known in uncomfortable places)

I had an idea where the V class emerges as one giant metal monster festooned with river sediment and garbage and terrorizes the locals but I don’t know enough about New Zealand or its railways to make an effective story.

[whaledocboi]

i have been enabled and i also looove yapping so there goes the twilight doc rewrite idea dump (under the cut because this is gonna be long)

i will say it again tho, i only watched the movies so if something was different in the books and im wrong just ignore that please and thank you. also if i made any typos or forgot words ykwim

1, it should Not be set at a high school, i understand its for relatibility and so that they can stay at one place longer but i cannot believe that these people would actually pass as teenagers or that you are capable of making anyone over the (mental) age of 50 just go back to high school over and over again, they Would unionize after like the secone time. a university would make more sense because they can actually study what they want (or at least different things every time and it'd give them some sort characterization for once), there's more people, its less personal, they can blend in more so its not like outrageously unbelievable that Nobody noticed how strange the entire family is with just randomly disappearing for days etc etc, and probably most importantly we can get rid of that stupid ass teetering age gap between edward and bella, well she's 17 and he's technically over a 100 but it doesnt count because he doesnt age mentally- we all know not aging mentally isnt a thing, all that weird stuff, i dont want. make bella at least 21 or something. maybe she took several gap years because she wasnt sure what to do with her life, but after going on a spirit journey to working in retail for 3 years she discovered her unactualized passion for shakespeare or idfk, something of this nature (i do think bella should work in retail for some time, it'd give her the edge and common sense she didnt seem to have in the original). yea its less self insert YA romance but sacrifices must be made so i can get rid of the "not aging mentally thing" which (pisses me off) in this context is simply Not feasible.

2, we all know in canon all those vampire powers dont work on bella, edward cant read her thoughts, jane cant do the pain thing, etc etc, she has that shield going on for her, awesome, we can keep that, but i want to extend it to the point that all that vampire charm they're supposed to have, yknow that makes them "irresistable" for humans, just doesnt work on her either. she looks at the cullens and thinks damn. these people are uncanny valley as fuck tbh. and feels insane every time people talk about how cool and hot and sexy they are because i mean yeah i Guess they look attractive but why the fuck are they so pale that cant be normal and im like 60% sure their eyes change color. and nobody gets what she's talking about. she's pretty sure they're in a cult of some sort, especially after learning they're all adoptive siblings but they're also dating each other. she meets edward for the first time and him acting like a weirdo isnt softened by his supernatural charms so bella's first impression on him is like this guy is soo strange i hope i dont have to do group projects with him again. imo it'd be better (and way funnier) if she initially wasnt into them at all, it'd give moments to actually get to know these people and make the overall story not feel like she basically got manipulated into liking these people

3, going over to edward, he should be at least five times more pathetic, and also not a 100+ years old, him still being quite young would work better for this interpretation in my head. whole new backstory incoming, he was a sickly child and sickly teenager, spent a lot of time in the hospital or at home, so couldnt really make lasting friendships or socialize very much because of that, when he was turned at like 19-20, he had to spend the next however long in the vampire cult with the other weirdos and freaks vampires in alaska making sure he learns how to act like a human again and wont eat people and stuff and Then when he finally managed to get back into society he sort of realized that now people are only really into him because he has that vampire charm thing going for him, which he quickly grows to dislike, because now he'll always feel like people dont care about him for who he is but because of this unnatural allure he has. bro deep down just wants to make One friend who isnt there because of forced proximity or because of his involuntarily vampire rizz. thats why after he meets bella (and overcomes wanting to eat her, sure she can still have vampire cocaine blood, whatever) and realizes he cant read her thoughts and she appears to be utterly uninterested in him, he's almost happy because maybe that means he can cultivate a normal human relationship again. he lowkey isnt very good at it (aformentioned reasons), but eventually they get to a point where they are friends. cue to getting to know each other montage. they Will have more than 3 scenes together where they talk about themselves and their interests. edward would try to be as honest as possible because he already feels bad enough for knowing he could never tell bella about the vampire thing which is like. a pretty important plotpoint to him. (he'd talk about how he was in and out of hospitals a lot growing up which didnt help with his social skills, bella voice so you just stare off into space hoping your looks will be enough to get people to talk to you? edward voice well..so far it had worked...)

4, jacob should stay around 16-17 and he will stay good in this idc, there was literally no reason to ruin his character like that for the stupid ass love triangle. it can be implied he had a little crush on bella growing up, but imo by the edward events they should have a sibling bond where jacob still is protective of bella and isnt a fan of the cullens at all, but its because he's actually worried about her safety not because he's upset that she's hanging out with another guy. he would still antagonize edward but in the "your brother who hates your brooding emo boyfriend and thinks he's not good enough for you" way. and pleaseee give him an age appropriate love interest. dare i say im willing to put my own selfish reasons aside (lesbian), it can be leah clearwater too if done right (they both get hit with the wolfication beam and they're both struggling to come to terms with it so that gives them opportunity to bond etc etc. but they can just be friends too). i just think jacob could've been such a likeable character if they didnt insist on making him into a certified selfish niceguy douchebag

first movie more important events timeline: i manifest an imaginary small town and an imaginary university in the slightly bigger town close by -> bella moves to small town to her dad (i will make up a reason for that later. she wants to escape big cities, open a small bookstore and live near the forest. or something.) -> bella meeting new people and getting settled montage -> seeing the cullens around for the first time (#weird) -> meeting edward for the first time (super weird) -> edward apology, getting to know each other montage -> edward and bella are legit friends now and its cute! they bicker and stuff! -> something something different characters hanging out and we as the audience learn things about them so they arent just cardboard cutouts -> i think it can also focus a bit on edward's whole struggle with the vampire thing and the cullens very bad no good attempts at trying to act like normal people around bella after they all realize that they cant deceive her by just being sexy. let them be silly. bella genuinely likes edward and maybe alice (because she's nice and friendly) but still thinks their family is really weird -> the whole james feud happens at the end but its scaled down and bella still doesnt know about the vampire thing (because no matter how weird she finds them, her first and immediate conclusion isnt that its because they must be vampires, she's normal in this), so its just them hanging out/going home after bella dragged edward out to have drinks with her friends in an attempt to socialize him some more (insert edward slightly improved but still not great people skills) when they get attacked by james (just him this time) which immediately puts edward into the worst situation of his life because there is no way of getting out of this without either revealing himself to be decidedly not a human to bella or her getting killed by james, and in both cases its almost guaranteed that he will lose the only actual friend he's had since forever. theres almost no good choice because even if he saves bella at the very least he and his entire family are gonna have to move away and bella will forever have this experience and knowledge nobody's ever going to believe. its very hard to be him rn. he then of course decides to fight off james because the other choice is just letting bella die which he cant live with, so he'd rather choose making some shit up and having his entire family be very mad at him for having to move again (also just to note that bella really likes him at this point, maybe has a crush on him but isnt genuinely obsessed the way she was in canon, like she wouldnt fall into a multiple months long depression if he left, she'd just be confused and sad). story ends on a cliffhanger of edward killing james and after a moment of silence bella realizing what just happened. so unfortunately the gazebo dancing will be cut, rip.

the only thing i have planned out for the second part is that it'd start with like a small timejump where things seem fairly normal, and then it'd cut to a flashback of where the first one ended (the james feud) where now both of them are verging a mental breakdown, bella because she thinks she's either actually losing her mind right now or someone put the strongest hallucinogen drugs known to man into her drink or she did actually just witness his friend killing a dude in a clearly supernatural fight and edward because he has to somehow deal with this situation of explaining it to bella and making sure she wont tell it to anybody, explaining it to his family and making sure they (rosalie) dont get the sparkling idea of just killing off bella in order to stay around longer, but at least leaving everything and moving to the other side of the country. after the immediate freaking out bella is still very disturbed and shocked and quite frankly she does not want to be there so as edward would try to start explaining it she's like Please shut up this instant, there is no way i can deal with any of this at the moment i need to go home, can i go home? its not as though i can tell it to anyone without looking insane anyways. and edward is just very defeated okay but pleasee can we talk as soon as possible. so now its back to the beginning, its been idk a couple days, doesnt matter, and this will be the first time they'll talk since the events, bella is still lowkey spooked (no wonder) so her conditions are that its gotta be a very public place so she can have some sense of safety at least. something something edward vampire coming out scene, bella voice i cant help but feel like you're just shitting me edward voice i could show you all the things i've talked about if we werent in the school cafeteria- etc etc vampirism morality conversation no i dont eat people i never have etc etc edward will be allowed to have one vampire ability showcase running around in the woods and stuff. we can insert a cullen family argument about what they should do, but they decide on staying for now. bella is obviously still kinda weirded the fuck out and kinda wants some distance from edward to like figure it out, so she spends more time bonding with jacob who then gets hit with the wolf beam and becomes even more resentful towards the cullens (he blames the shapeshifter gene or whatever being triggered by them moving here and he's kinda justified in that) so girl is Not escaping the supernatural events, its almost funny. the victoria revenge tour thing will start in this one too. thats where im at currently.

extra thoughts, i would definitely want to keep the cartoonishly evil vaguely queer coded disney villain volturi the way they were in the movies, batshit insane michael sheen behaving like he just did crack cocaine every time he was on screen was the highlight of my days. plus charlie should also be immune to all vampire stuff thats why he isnt a fan of the cullens and edward either

i've never read the twilight books and only ever watched the movies kind of tipsy or actually drunk, but for some reason i got to the point where not only am i reasonably convinced i could make it into a way more compelling story but i have a fully planned out rewrite of the first movie/book in my head. maybe the second one too if i think about it for another hour

[picodart]

Digiweek 2021 - Day 4: Dark / Light

So if I had to pick a favorite Digimon villain, it would probably be Pinocchimon, however I already posted a pretty in depth analysis of his character during Odaiba week 2016 (here’s a link, if people are interested: https://picodart.tumblr.com/post/148422213160/todays-theme-is-unsung-heroes-and-villains )

One of the prompts for this week however, was heroes turning bad or villains turning good. Now there are several villains that have switched sides in the Digimon anime: Ogremon, Ken, BlackwarGreymon, Oikawa, Beelzemon, Yamaki, Zhuquiaomon, Koichi, Cherubimon etc.

But if had to pick villains who I think genuinely had the POTENTIAL to become good, had things gone differently, but sadly never got the chance, it would be these two goofballs:

I cant realistically see Devimon, Vamdemon, the Dark Masters or even Etemon becoming good guys, but I could totally see it happening with Arachnemon & Mummymon, when you take several things into consideration.

1. Mummymon really doesn’t seem all that evil. In fact one gets the impression that if Arachnemon (who he is in love with) and Oikawa (who created him and is his boss) weren’t around, the guy really wouldn’t have much of a reason to fight against the Chosen Children in the first place. Pleasing them is literally his whole motivation.

3. As crueland sadistic as Arachnemon can be, she’s still more humorously portrayed than a lot of other villains. And heroes with sadistic personality traits aren’t completely unheard of in anime (Dr. Stein from Soul Eater, Midnight from My Hero Academia, Akeno Himejima from High school DxD, Karma Akabane from Assassination Classroom etc.) so her becoming a good guy doesn’t seem completely out of the question.

2. Oikawa, their boss and creator, repents not long after their deaths. Which brings into question how things would have gone for them had they survived to the end of the series.

3. Though in the dub of Digimon Adventure their is a line about Arachnemon and Mummymon being born from the darkness and twisted desires of Oikawaor something (its been awhile since I’ve seen the dub) implying they are inherently evil, this line is more ambiguous in the original, Oikawa hallucinating them mocking him saying they are ugly because that reflects his true form. Its obvious this is just Oikawa losing going through a mental breakdown.

In reality, despite being perfect level Digimon, you could make the argument that they essentially children, having been created by Oikawa not long before the series takes place. When BlackwarGreymon confronts them and Oikawa in episode 46, Oikawa reveals he created them using his DNA, and its implied they they themselves don’t even remember this, nor were they aware of it, meaning they simply remember obeying Oikawa all their lives. Later on Mummymon questions whether that makes them Digimon, Human, or neither, and Arachnemon simply responds “Don’t think too hard about it. even if you do, you won’t get anywhere.

Basically these two have been following orders all their lives, not really thinking much about their own ambitions or what they want out of life.

4. Their deaths. The scene is clearly meant to paint them in a sympathetic light, and is easily the saddest death of a villain that never technically switched sides. Arachnemon is horribly tortured, and Mummymon is forced to watch. then Mummymon becomes so enraged over the woman he loved being killed. He attacks BelialVamdemon, knowing full well that he has no chance of winning. He doesn’t care, he has nothing left to live without her. Even the chosen kids, whom Arachnemon and Mummymon have tried killing several times, are horrified by this, but are too terrified to do anything.

If any Digimon Villains deserved a redemption arc, it was them. I personally am not a fanfic writer, an AU where the Chosen Children save them from BelialVamdemon and then fight alongside them would be a fascinating read. Also, considering how Oikawa dies shortly after, imagine how tragic that would be. How would they react. They mostly saw Oikawa as their “master” rather than their father, but his did create them, and they’ve known him all there lives. Would Oikawa apologize for treating them so dismissively over the years before passing? Would they join Iori in mourning his death? Would they be friends afterwards?

A big part of Iori’s character arc WAS about learning forgiveness and not looking at things in a black and white manner, starting with being the last person to forgive Ken, then the first person to emphasize with BlackWarGreymon, and ended with his connection to Oikawa (He even becomes a defense attorney in the epilogue, one of the few future careers that had some thematic sense) Having him be friends with Arachnemon and Mummymon would be another interesting way to continue that theme. (Also imagine them meeting Iori’s grandfather, and asking about what their former “master” was like as a kid.) I think that idea has a lot of potential

[gobstoppr]

a ramble about . having hand and wrist pain that all started hitting me at once .theres no real thesis i just have been thinking about shit . happy disability awareness month .

god for what, over 4months now , ive had chronic hand/wrist pain thats made it fucking frustrating as all hell to do . the things i want to do . i cant play games for hours at a time . i can barely draw for over 30 minutes at a time without a break (oftentimes i have to take breaks long before that point) . i cant scroll on my dash forever since even with the keyboard shortcuts it strains over time (sidenote but CHRIST can i just . but a bookmark on a point on my dash. i want to come back there later and scroll from there . iwant the site to stop lagging ). everything i do i have to consider how bad my bones will hurt from it and if i can do it, if its something i can adjust to make easier on my hands, if its something worth 'wasting' what i call my 'hand stamina' for the afternoon. like oh if i play video game then i wont be able to draw or do shit for like at least 30min .

ive gone to the doctors. ive gone to the tests . its not carpel tunnel they say ! thank you for clearing that option after 3.5 months of pain. now i get to do more trial and error tests to see what i have . ive finally gotten at least like. the orders to let me get physical therapy so hopefully that can help . just side note i fucking HATE decentralized medical care holy SHIT why cant this info just be fucking shared between u guys . i wait 2 weeks between getting to go into the doctor and say 'yea mate it still fucking hurts' so they can give me a different appointment 2 weeks later and so on . its so much fucking treading water . weve been over this bullshit . why do i have to wait 2 weeks to see the dr for 10 minutes and then figure out an appointment . i just fucking . god .

i have to go to college in a month . im not going to be better in a month . im definetly never reaching what was once 'normal' condition for a long time . its . its hard to think about that shit . i feel like ive been trapped ykno.

i remember . for about 3 months. starting in late september 2021. i was having an absolute fucking blast . i had spamton brainrot . i could pump out several small doodles a day, sometimes multiple cleaned up/colored sketches, every couple weeks i might make a fully finished piece . i could spend hours upon hours just. doing what i loved . drawing silly guy who i liked . seeing what the other people in my community were doing . art, creativity is a conversation to me. i see peoples works, i get inspired, i want to create, even if i don't have anything in particular to say at that moment . it doesnt matter i have no ideas for posing or anything . i wanted to create . and i created .

i could be in my element . have this conversation . this feedback loop of inspiration . a constant improvement to my own skills as i just enjoyed art how i enjoy art . i'm mad at myself for not taking more breaks. im mad at myself for not fucking stretching all these years . but i will never regret my time . it was worth every second . and even if im not always interacting with everyone i met thru that time, im forever thankful for getting to meet all of them .

this is sounding a bit mopey huh . ok some quick advice then for this sorta shit in general.

for one . yes i know its fucking hard . but please just stretch a lil sometimes . even just learning one or two u can do pretty consistently can help u get going . this page has alot of good ones.

two . get yourself a good dumbass friend to watch stupid cartoons with you . yes im serious . if it were not for having my sister this summer to watch anime for children i would have gone insane with boredom whenever my hands hurty so i cant do shit . find yourself some bullshit to binge and laugh at . highly recommend the yokai watch dub of seasons 1+2 . good head empty but very entertaining shit . incredible for passing the time

three . find shortcuts for doing smaller straining tasks udont really think about . for example, theres the more prominant things like using keyboard shortcuts to navigate ur dash, but then theres stuff like realizing . oh trying to cut my sandwich with a knife is a kinda weird strain and because the bread is so soft its hard to cut super easily . so now i just . tear my pb+j up with my hands to cut it . jsut rip it . its not fucking worth the nonsense

yeah ok i think im out of things to say for now but yea. fucking hands huh . take care of yourselves gamers . i apologize if this is a bit gloomy

[pillage-and-lute]

Thicker Than Water (Part 8)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, (here)

Ao3 link HERE

Please note, this is pretty heavy, it deals with a lot of common insecutiries for adults with ADHD and Jaskier blames himself for a lot of things, but it’s not triggering in the traditional sense. Much of this fic has been about the ways Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and other ADHD symptoms can cause self-destructive actions, this focuses on other insecurities, common blames, and then the self-isolation that can come from guilt, even unfounded guilt.

Please remember, in this fic’s world Geralt and Jaskier actually do have a loving and pretty healthy friendship, albeit with communication issues. People fight some times, these are just ways in which RSD can mess with healthy relationships.

OTHER TW: Mentioned child abuse.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Yennefer and Ciri asked Jaskier to come down for supper that evening. Between lunch and dinner he’d napped, evidently passing out wasn’t the same as actual good-quality rest and his body was demanding it’s due. Evening came around, though and Yen took his elbow to help him stand.

They walked at a slow pace down the hall, Jaskier’s body not up for much more. Ciri stuck behind them, but the pace was embarassingly painstaking.

“Ciri,” Yennefer said. “This is a lot for Jaskier, and will take some time, why don’t you go see if they need help in the kitchen?”

Ciri gave one more concerned look at Jaskier, then bounded off. 

Yennefer steered Jaskier to an alcove in the stone of the hallway. He was embarrassed to find himself out of breath.

“What are you going to do?” She asked him. She wasn’t asking about his lungs.

“Eat supper I suppose.”

“I mean about Geralt.”

He knew she meant Geralt, and sighed. “I don't know, Ciri says I'm angry and I am...”

“But?”

“That day on the mountain I didn’t give him space,” Jaskier said, feeling a lump grow in his throat, blocking off his already small air supply.

“I never know when to give people space, I never have, I've been working on it my whole life and I still don't understand.” His chest ached. With emotion, with pneumonia, with tiredness. With shame.

“I’ve always been different, you know?” He looked up at Yennefer. He was taller than her but she sat regally, and he was hunched over, conserving his air.

“In stories being different is usually a good thing, you get cool powers and people love you, but life isn’t like that. And being different is...it’s so much worse when you’re a kid.”

“I know,” Yennefer said. Those purple eyes...she knew. She understood, probably better than anyone. There were parts of her story that Jaskier didn’t have, wasn’t entitled to, but she understood.

“I cant do things I'm not interested in, not don’t want to, can’t. Even if I am interested, they don't always get done,” Jaskier whispered, like he was confessing to a priest, not a barely-friendly witch in a cold hallway.

“I’m nothing but a ball of loose ends, tangled up and bouncing around, running into people and making them as tangled as I am,” Jaskier said. It came out half-sobbed, which upset his breathing and he began to wheeze, then cough.

“If I’m not interested in something, if nothing lights up my mind, I get so sad and tired it’s like this horrible weight.” Jaskier kept talking, feeling the emotions fighting to get out. “Being around people helps, I can get things done, be more normal. And interesting people, oh they’re the best, of course. They keep that awful sad, tired feeling away because they’re always interesting.”

He looked down at his knees, wrapped in their battered trousers.

“But I need to be around them so much,” he whispered. “And I’m too much for anyone to want around long.”

He leaned his head against the cold stone of the alcove wall, staring blankly and watching as his field of vision blurred with tears.

“I’m dramatic,” he said. 

“You’re a bard.”

Jaskier shook his head. “Dad called me a pansy, among worse things. He tried to beat it out of me. I just, I seem to feel more than other people. Happy is more happy, but sadness, fear, rejection, they’re all so much worse. I overreact and it makes me hard to deal with.”

He felt a tear roll down and get caught in the scruff on his chin. “I need people though, and I need people to like me. Crowds come and go I just needed one person to like me so I forced it to be Geralt.”

Jaskier was crying in ernest now, full tears falling and shoulders shaking, clogging up his breathing so his cries mingled painfully with coughs. Yennefer reached out and pulled at his shoulder, bringing him up from his hunched over position.

“I’m angry at him even though it was my fault,” he said, wretchedly.

“I followed him and took advantage of the fact that he doesn’t talk because he wont tell me to go away. I took advantage of his patience like that so someone could keep me around and I let myself believe that he actually wanted me around, that just one person could bear being around me. And being with him left me time to go seek out other interests, go ahead or stay behind, I never got bored and it was perfect for me and probably hell for him.”

Jaskier sniffled, looking away and studying the wall because he couldn’t bear to see the condemnation that would surely be on Yennefer’s face.

“And I fell in love with him. Which was stupid because I've been using him this entire time,” he whispered. 

“I used him for music and money, then I used him to bandage my self esteem and its all my fault.”

Jaskier finally managed to look at Yennefer and saw that she was actually rolling her eyes.

 “It’s not your fault, he was on a horse, you were walking, he could have left you behind anywhere.”

“He’s too kind to leave me to die on my own.”

“What about towns?” Yennefer asked. “What about the djinn?”

“The djinn was my fault.”

“The djinn was his fault,” Yennefer said, stubbornly.

“The djinn was my fault, I thought he was joking. He’d do that, you know? I’d ask him what he was doing and he’d say ‘cooking a unicorn’ or ‘hunting a gabledegook’ so I just thought he was joking again because I thought surely a djinn was only a story. Even if they weren’t there was no reason Geralt would want one. I made horrible wishes, they could have ruined lives, can you imagine?”

“I can.”

Of course she could. It had been stupid of him to say that, Yennefer knew better than anyone how a careless wish, or even a not so careless one, could turn out.

“I have to ask,” Jaskier said, since Yennefer didn’t seem in the mood to turn him into a salamander. “Did geralt wish for you to love him?”

“He wished for me to be bound to him the sex was just...adrenaline, magic, wanting another outsider, a little bit of the djinn. I won’t do it again.” She said, fervently.

“You don’t have to promise that, I have no claim to him,” Jaskier said.

“No one has claim to anyone,” Yennefer snapped. “But you love him. Anyway, I wasn’t telling you, I don’t want him. I don’t want sex with him I want his destiny, our destiny, nothing more.”

“I love him very much,” Jaskier said, after she settled from her outburst.

“Have you ever told him?”

Never, he might think he owes me something.”

“I think you think he’s more self sacrificing than he is. He wouldn't date you out of obligation, he’s not that sort of man.”

Jaskier tilted his head back against the stone. “But he feels guilty, for everything, all the time. What if he did it as an apology.”

“Geralt wouldn't do you the disservice of a pity relationship.” 

“We had a pity friendship.”

“You didn't.”

“We did.”

Yennefer peered at him with those strange eyes. “You love him though.”

“I do.”

“I don’t think its a lost cause.”

“I do.”

Yennefer shifted, pulling her hair over one shoulder. “When I asked earlier, I meant what do you want to do after this? Do you even want to see Geralt?”

“Oh gods I rambled and --”

“Shut up, you needed it off your chest.”

Jaskier sighed. “I always want to see Geralt, but I don't think I should be around him. He needs more space than most people and I need less. I do want an apology, I don't want him to grovel, I don’t want him to beg for me back in his life because that's a choice I want him to make on his own. I don’t even need him to tell me through speech because I know that can be hard. He could write a letter.I just...”

“And if you got an apology?”

“I intend to apologize first. I’ll apologize, maybe he’ll apologize, and that way we can at least be friendly, if not friends. And then in the spring I’ll leave, take a different path and it won’t matter anymore.”

I won’t be able to hurt him anymore, Jaskier thought, darkly.

“Nilfgaard wants you,” Yennefer warned. 

“I know,” Jaskier sighed. “I may have to fake my death or... oh!” He looked up at Yen, smiling even as he wanted to cough. 

“You can wipe my memory!”

Yennefer actually recoiled. 

Jaskier’s excitement had set off the coughing and he felt it tear through his throat and squeeze at his ribs until the fit eased.

“I’m not wiping your memory,” Yennefer said, severely.

“Why not? Yen, it’s the perfect solution, and Nilfgaard couldn’t get anything out of me.”

“And Geralt get’s his damned wish,” Yennefer snarled.

Jaskier looked down. “I know he didn’t mean it, he’s a good man, he wouldn’t wish anyone gone in that way, but yes, that wish would be granted and I’d never bother him again.”

“Geralt has a habit of making stupid wishes that he doesn’t actually want granted,” Yennefer snapped.

“You’re supposed to be on his side,” Jaskier said, smiling wetly. “It’s my fault, remember?”

“I don’t think even Geralt’s on Geralt’s side,” Yennefer said. “I won’t take your memories. You wouldn’t remember anything.”

Jaskier deflated. “I guess I’m as good as dead if I can’t remember songs or how to play the lute.”

Yennefer shifted uncomfortably.

“I would forget how to play, wouldn’t I?”

“Well...” she said. “No. You would remember anything you’d learn, knowledge isn’t memories, you know? You’d even know your songs, just not why you knew them or that you’d written them.”

“If you won’t do it, is there a mage who will? I’d only need to get to a city, how much do you think a spell like that would cost?”

Yennefer groaned. “No, bard, I’ll do it. If it’s what you still want, if you’re sure at the end of winter, yes, I’ll take your memories. It’s better than some quack doing it, or worse, turning you in to Nilfgaard but...I don’t like it.”

Jaskier was surprised to see her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “I won’t take that choice from you,” she said, blinking hard. “But I hope it’s not the one you make.” She sniffed, she tried to make it seem disdainful but it was definitely tearful. 

“Anyway,” she said. “What about Ciri? She adore’s you, if you didn’t remember her it would break her heart.”

Jaskier waved a hand. “I”m only a storyteller,” he said, wishing bitterly that it wasn’t true. “She has a whole marvelous family full of stories they can tell her.”

“Didn’t you hear her, she doesn’t feel like this is a family,” Yennefer said, sharply. 

“We’ll fix that.”

“So that you can abandon her, you mean?”

Jaskier grimaced. “It’ll be safer for her. Even if I traveled with Geralt, there’s no guarantee Nilfgaard wouldn’t take me, wouldn’t read my mind and put her in danger.” He looked Yennefer right in the eyes. “I won’t let myself hurt her.”

Yennefer hung her head. “We’ll discuss it at the end of winter,” she said. “Do you still feel up to dinner?”

Jaskier thought about it. He felt lighter, in a way, unburdening himself of the guilt he’d been carrying was better, but he was exhausted, and his chest felt raw. 

“I think I’d rather eat in my rooms,” he said sheepishly. 

He ate dinner alone, wishing he wasn’t but he was practicing giving people space, and he felt proud of himself for it. He only had to continue it, apologize, and get through the winter.

Then he’d never remember he had problems to begin with.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They will get there. Please read the note at the top, these are all very common ADHD insecurities and relationship problems. Remember, Geralt is not the villain. He needs to apologize, and he’s trying, but the villain is the insecurity.

Tag List!

@frywen-babbles @mordoriscalling @thedarkestangel1 @kerfufflezz  @samukai  @charlies-dragon @live-long-and-trek-on  @holymotherwolf @morte-mistrata @mewithanie @sharondnovels @stinastar @ionlylikemycat @annafortoday @its-the-quenchiest-stuff @kkiyomizu @so--many-fandoms @endless-whump @ineffable-monster-romancer @tookarma @seraphim-miryam  @sweetiepieplum @nerdy-numinuos @ravenclaw-dirt

[nerdygaymormon]

(1/2) hi david! ok i have a quick thing abt women and the priesthood: its so frustrating to me, and it used to be 1/12 months we would study the priesthood and honestly they don't teach us anything really other than what kind of stuff they do (vaguely). i always try to bring up the talks about womens priesthood power (only if endowed lol) but they always get brushed off. when i said how unfair it was when i turned 12 that i couldn't get the priesthood my mom took me aside and talked to me about

(2/2) she said to think of it like a wheelchair for men, to help them to be able to do good and help others and give them motivation because if women had the priesthood they would want to help everyone (i cant even with that metaphor its so wrong) and honestly, why can't women hold the priesthood? has that ever been said? why? because we live in a man/father led society? im just really tired of all the barely hidden sexism in lessons + calling the guys 'the priesthood' i hate it so much. thanks!

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Yes, I remember those lessons. I thought for the young women and Relief Society the focus should be on how they can access the priesthood, why it matters there is priesthood and so on, not learning the young men can pass the sacrament (which btw, preparing or passing the sacrament doesn’t require the priesthood and we used to allow females to do this). 

And how come the people in priesthood quorums didn’t need to spend a month learning about women’s contributions, or motherhood, or a way to provide some equity for women having to put up with learning of the men’s roles for a month

Yes, I’ve heard the excuse that men need priesthood in order to train them to be as good as the women naturally are. I don’t buy it. If priesthood service boosts a person’s goodness, why would we not want women to participate?

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I feel like our Church doesn’t do a good job explaining it’s priesthood restrictions. That’s probably because there isn’t a good justification for them.

We had the disastrous ban of people of African descent not being eligible to hold the priesthood and also not allowed to receive temple blessings. Fortunately, in 1978 the temple blessings and allowing men of African descent to be part of the priesthood was restored. Now no one is banned based on race, ethnicity or national origin. 

In early church history, the revelations mention men and the priesthood. I think that’s the basis for the current ban on women. 

Was this absence of women intentional? 

Could this be a case of the word “man” being used to mean “mankind” and wasn’t supposed to exclude women? 

Maybe “men” is all the culture was able to accept at the time. Women didn’t have constitutional rights and weren’t allowed to vote, and were thought of as people who remain in the house while their husbands dealt with things in the broader world.

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For a long time, our church taught that women can “receive all the blessings of the priesthood” even if they don’t hold it themselves.

Today, President Nelson has indicated that something unique happens in the LDS temple ceremony — something that imparts priesthood power to women. In the temple, there are certain ordinances that women perform for other women, which indicates they have the priesthood even though they haven’t been formally ordained to the priesthood. 

Unfortunately, this isn’t very well defined. 

Do women who’ve been through the endowment ceremony hold priesthood power, even though they aren’t ordained, and are only authorized to use this priesthood in the temple? 

Could they be authorized to use this priesthood outside of the temple? 

Why are they only authorized to use their priesthood for other women and not men? 

Is this the Aaronic or Melchizedek priesthood, or is it some other branch of the priesthood? 

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I think it’s clear women can hold priesthood and wield its authority. There’s many examples from the Bible and early Church history. 

Judges 4-5 - Deborah was a judge of Israel, acting as a prophet and military leader at a time when women were treated like property and valued by the number of children they could bear.​ She didn’t follow the gender role expected of her, and showed God is willing to have women as leaders, women as prophetesses. Perhaps patriarchy isn’t God’s will but a cultural trait of the ancient Israelites which we now read in the Bible and think is of God.

Acts 2:17 - “And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams”

Is priesthood required to prophesy?

Romans 16 - powerful scripture for equality and inclusion--so many names of women in positions of authority and influence listed. There’s not enough details to know the exact roles of the women. Is a “fellow servant” an apostle? Is a woman who travels & teaches as Paul does, an apostle? What about the women who are leaders together with their husband? Some women sound like heads of the congregation, are they equivalent to bishops and pastors?

There’s an address from Joseph Smith to the Relief Society on March 30, 1842 that many believe indicates he intended for women to hold the priesthood. “the Society should move according to the ancient Priesthood, hence there should be a select Society separate from all the evils of the world, choice, virtuou[s] and holy— Said he was going to make of this Society a kingdom of priests an in Enoch’s day— as in Paul’s day”

Healing by the laying on of hands was a practice that was common for Mormon women in the 19th century, although it was said to be done by faith, not priesthood. There’s even a famous example of Mary Fielding Smith blessing an ox to health on the trek west to Utah. This practice was stopped because it was too similar to the priesthood.

—————————

What our church has allowed women to do has varied, and needing priesthood authority was often the excuse for why women couldn’t do these things.

Women were barred from praying in Sacrament meeting from 1967 until 1978. 

In 1984, a woman spoke in general conference for the first time since 1930. Since then, women have spoken in every general conference.

Women were once permitted to join in or stand as an observer at the blessing of her baby, but today it’s priesthood only

In 2013, the first time a woman prays at General Conference.

In 2013, the "sister training leader" position is created, a leadership position for women who are missionaries. 

In 2015, the church appointed women to its executive councils for the first time.

2021, positions for women were created at the Area level of leadership in Europe, they’ll participate in leadership councils, and train Relief Society, Young Women and Primary Leaders.

—————————

Can women hold the priesthood? I think the evidence points to yes. I believe we’re in the same situation as the priesthood ban of Black men where it’s now our tradition and belief and will take a revelation to undo. The question is, are the apostles and prophet seeking such a revelation?

If we extended the priesthood to all worthy members regardless of gender, that would solve several issues. For example, we have areas with many more women as active members, and the men in those congregations must shoulder several callings that require the priesthood. Their burden would be much lighter if women could share in the responsibilities

The disparity that women see in their everyday lives would be eliminated. They may be in a position of authority at work, but then on Sundays, for the most part they’re limited to working with women & children, and excluded from top leadership positions. I wrote a thing where I switched gender roles at church and I think it makes clear the messages we are sending to our members, particularly our impressionable children and teensagers. 

Then there’s the case of trans & intersex people. Is priesthood for men given according to their spirit or to their body? How do we know what gender is the spirit of an intersex person? If everyone were eligible for the priesthood, it would save us from having to answer what is perhaps an unanswerable question about whether the body & spirit of trans people got mismatched.

—————————

We currently are not accessing the talents and capabilities of 1/2 the population. You’d think a church that has Heavenly Mother as part of its theology would be anxious to recognize the contributions that women can make and let them have leadership roles at all levels of the Church. 

[the-bjd-community-confess]

More Divaz confos

Mod: Round two of these, previously: link. There’s some interesting customer reviews in this batch (5 and 8) which may be useful to readers.

1.Vic3mage "the secret bjdivaz vip group is just pictures of boxes coming in and going out". Yeah, between the bitching about d0llshe, asking people to post on doa for them, dunking on ex-customers, posting pics of random doll parts that they can't identify which doll they're supposed to go with, whining about how little money they make, whining when ppl e-mail them, whining. Yeah, other than that it's just boxes, and alpacas u can buy off amazon anyway lol.

~Anonymous

2.The butthurt users crying and guilttripping under every Divaz confession who have never been seen before elsewhere on this blog are extremely unsuspicious and unproblematic and definitely unconnected to Divaz and unbiased in every possible way

/s

~Anonymous

3.idk shit abt bjd1vas but v1cemage i can absolutely tell you the shit about ch0o is 100% accurate, fucker's got a long, long history of being an awful little man that stretches well beyond his involvement in the doll community. between the two i'd still trust bjd1vas over ch00 ch00 the fool any day!

~Anonymous

4.The Z3st and Div4s thing is really silly and both entities were being shady but did they really have to take the DZ waiting room down with them? :( He had even made a separate thread about it......

~Anonymous 

5. RE: BJD Divaz

I’ve been a customer of BJD Divaz since they first started, when it was only run by Chart3rline. I even contacted other BJD companies trying to persuade them to work with Divaz as their US representative. Most declined because they didnt like D's commission fee, but I was able to persuade a few of them.

I asked them to purchase a doll off DOA because I couldnt afford the asking price, and while they did, I found out later that instead of agreeing to purchase the seller's price, they negotiated the price to be lower. This significantly cheaper price was not passed down to me. I paid the full price +the commission fee based on that full price. I am disappointed I was not told this. This is when I stopped viewing them as a "friend" and instead, as a business. I dont hold this against them, it’s context to what Im going to say later.

I’ve stopped purchasing from D after my recent order from them. This company usually takes 3 or less months to make a doll. I’ve ordered the doll from D and it took 11 months. They let me know it arrived to them in March and that it will be shipped soon, except it only shipped on July, and only after I sent them several "reminder" emails. Before people in the comments try to put the blame on me for not sending a reminder soon, please keep in mind that I acknowledged the email in March and confirmed everything and they keep stressing to not send them emails because they are busy, I’ve emailed once every month since. I’ve since switched to ACBJD and Ive been happy with communication and the dolls ordered. I imagine ACBJD gets the same amount of emails, but they dont berate their customers if they email more than once.

I regret when people wanted a D0llshe, but not deal with him, I always recommended D. I would warn people of ordering directly and instead go through D. They assured buyers they would be handling communication and all the efforts so they wouldnt worry, except they didn’t. A person that I’ve recommended D to, who surpassed 2 years, keeps messaging me for help because D wouldnt reply to their emails. She is respectful, sweet and a timid person, not a Karen. This person, emailed D without a reply so would email a week later, only to be told that their email would be pushed down to the bottom if emailed again. No response, so she goes to FB and IG, who both tell her to email because they arent the person running orders. Finally got a response that they would get their refund, after D0llshe sends D's payment, but minus the PP fees. 3 months later and theres no refund, only a promise of them getting it later. Why is the customer missing out on fees when they have no doll? Customer emails d0llshe and he says he cant offer refund, because they didn’t order through them, which is understandable, but when all options are out for a customer, do you blame them for chargebacks?

If anyone files a chargeback, D will be blacklisting them from every company they rep, as in blacklisting you from buying direct from those companies. I urge everyone who has negative experiences with D to email the companies they rep instead of venting on confession blogs, and writing your experiences on social media. Make it count and send letters to the companies they represent, and please provide proof because they will try to make you out to be a liar.

Speaking of, they made vague posts on cl0ver singing for charging paypal fees, and that they offer guarantees as an official dealer, except when offering refunds, to non delivered products I might add, they are keeping the fees, and offered no help with d0llshe, even before they ended their dealership with them. Someone on DOA was told to not email them unless the wait time surpassed 1.5 years. They are even so petty that they post screenshots with the full name and address (dox) of the customer on purpose and then delete it out a day later as if they just realized their "mistake".

Before you try to make excuses for them about the fires, keep in mind, I am dealing with a business. The lower price negotiation with the DOA sale, I am in no way obligated to give them a pass or treat them as a friend when they made it clear that our relationship is strictly business. Their issues, are not my issues. D0lk got dragged for not shipping in time, others, including artisans, got dragged for being so late with communication and sending back refunds for cancelled orders. Why does D get to be exempt?

The supporters are the worst part of this, because of instead of being honest so D can improve, they support them for being "real". For example, look how micemage words it, to make it seem like this criticism is from one person, when there are people on addicts who didn’t have good experience. Check the bjd dealers tag here, you will see the supporters in the comments going off on any and all criticism of D. Some have sane comments, but the majority are cult like and try to identify the person venting as if it’s one person. Addicts deletes threads with criticism asking people to instead direct it to their feedback group; which lets be honest, no one is going to do because its "not that bad", and most dont want to join a new group, which is mostly dead.

This is my first and last confession on D, I’ve emailed each company they rep and told them my experience as well as contacting the 3 month wait company, with screenshots of my order, how they handled it, and the excuse they used to put blame on the company for being so late (package arrived march to D, 4 months to be shipped is on D, not the company). I’m not using company or order details because I know they are petty enough to try to identify me and publicly shame me like they have to others. This and the threat of suing is why not many people like to go public with their experience. They just keep feedback neutral, move on and never deal with again.

~Anonymous

6. Listen, I can't take you seriously in regards to BJD!vas because you're posting on a confession blog. If you were serious, you would have posted in buyer beware groups, DoA reviews or the board to get things resolved, or you would have made a complaint to the BBB. And your language makes you come off more as someone with an agenda rather than someone who is trying to warn people. If shipping is the issue, stop buying with standard shipping and pay the extra price for express shipping. I saw one of you complain that it sat with them for 20 days; that's probably because you're not the only one and they more than likely have a queue to check and then ship out. Do mistakes happen? Yes, because we're human. I've been in this hobby for a few years now and it seems like most people know you're going to have to wait, sometimes even outside the expected wait time. And shipping something as big as a doll is a timely endeavor. I shouldn't have to say that.

My point is simply to stop complaining on an confession board and either take it to the places previously mentioned. Posting here behind the anonymous mask makes you sound like a petulant child who didn't get their way right away.

~Anonymous

7.My only issue with BJD Divaz is how I never get any updates. Every email, they tell me to join their facebook page for status updates. I dont have a FB and I dont want to create one. I bought my doll through their website, updates should be posted on their website, or they could send me an email. That isnt asking much.

~Anonymous

8. Since there seems to be a lot of either "completely negative everything sucks" or "everything was sunshine and rainbows" confessions about bjd!vaz I thought I'd chime in with a neutral review.

PROS

-They were always polite and professional in their emails, and gave me very detailed answers to my questions.

-I got exactly what I ordered, so no mix ups or missing parts or anything like that.

-I think them being forthcoming about personal issues (only one person on staff, illness, the flooding isue etc.) on social media is good, since it keeps customers updated as to why there might be delays.

-If you live in the US their shipping is very reasonable.

CONS

-Reply times were varied. Sometimes it could take over a week, sometimes a couple hours.

-My order took about 10mo which, when comparing to other people who ordered through the same company around the same time, was about 3x as long as if I bought it direct and 2x as long if I had gone through a different dealer. I get some of the waiting time is out of their control, but it was kind of ridiculous.

-They dont necessarily ship the same day they send you a tracking number. I wish they said something like, "Here's your tracking number, our pickup is Xday so it should start moving after that" just so I could be aware.

All in all no major complaints. I got my doll and all that. Their lone employee is clearly overwhelmed. I hope they hire another person, if only to give the one a break.

Truthfully, I most likely won't buy through them again. I'd rather pay the international shipping and go direct, than deal with the extensive wait time. I'd still recommend them to someone looking for a very long layaway, though. I paid in full, but if I had a 12mo layaway I would've never known they weren't ready to ship my doll until month 10.

~Anonymous

[secretsniper3]

Part 5: Pain in Pleasure..

Darkness, imobile, constantly cumming with a stomach full of cum I awake in a haze of orgasms and sweat. Even though I just woke up my body is exhausted, wracked with pain due to the constant bondage, the rope biting my flesh with every passing second as tears stain my latex covered cheeks. The words “You are now a Slave, you will Submit as you are now Property” burned clearly through my brain, the voice has stopped speaking but I can still hear its echo in my mind, echoing over and over, repeating as fast as the orgasms I experience every few seconds, how much longer can I last down here.

-----------------------------------------------

My Master enters the room just as my alarm goes off, my latex covered head raises and my eyes meet his. “Get up, your punishment begins now” he says. Keeping my head low as I get out of bed Im put in a restrictive corset while I wobble in my boots, still locked to my legs, Box glove pinning my arms behind my back tightly and a chain is connected to my ankles, limiting me to quick steps to keep up with my Master. A posture collar locks around my neck and a leash clipped on the front and the plate covering my pussy is removed from my chastity belt, taking out a new covering plate with a long, thin and hollow tube on it. Pushing it slowly up my urethra my Master unscrews the tip and inserts a tube and pumps a pink fluid into my bladder directly, then reinserting the cap, keeping me full of the mystery fluid and a uncomfortable sensation with a severe need to pee.

“Itll take a hour for that to absorb into your system so lets eat.” My Master says as he leads me out of my room and to the dining room, simple cerial to eat and half way through Im greeted with a burning sensation between my legs. Letting out a gasp of arousal my Master smiles, knowing the fluid is doing its job getting me ready for the days ahead, as my Master continues spoon feeding me till Im done then eating his own food. Cleaning up he takes me to the play room and lays me down and locks my legs open, removing his cock he takes my mouth to use, pumping down my throat as hard as he sees fit my tongue curling around his shaft as he continues to thrust into me. Seemingly waiting for the fluid to absorb he continues his assault on me as he grabs my breasts and squeezes them together, mounting my chest he thrusts into my ample clevage and his tip pushing through and cumming on my neck and face, pumping more and more onto me and stepping aside and laughing at how I look “like a true cum slut!” and I know he isnt lying. I am a slut, his slut. A toy for him to use as he sees fit.

Removing my chastity belt and pulling the plug out of my urethra Im amazed when nothing comes out, I was so sure I needed to pee earlier but now, nothing. “all soaked in, now the fun can begin” my Master says as he levels his cock and aims for my target, thrusting hard his cock spears into my pussy and he pumps madly in and out of me, feeling my arousal cresting once more I strain on my bindings as the mounting orgasm rushes forth! “Oh god Master!” is all I say as I close my eyes as my orgasm is only thrusts away. Then nothing happens, my Master pumping constantly into my pussy, my arousal still there and burning hotter than lava, I should be cumming but Im not! Im terrified as my eyes shoot down to my Master as he continues to fuck my denied pussy. Slamming my eyes shut I scream into my mind, ordering my body to cum but it doesnt happen, I feel my pleasure overflowing and still no reward to show for it. Laughing as he fucks my pussy he explains “the chemical i pumped into your body blocks the signal from your brain that makes you cum Slave, like poison, without the antidote youll never cum again!" Screaming out loud this time as my body is denied more orgasms as my pussy drowns in pleasure, my Master pounding hard into my flooding cunt.

Growing tired after his 5th orgasm inside me he turns his attention to a device nearby, shaking uncontrollably I open my eyes to see whats to come next, its the sybian from yesterday! if I were shaking before, Im thrashing now, desperate to close my thighs and deny that cruel device a place on my pussy I scream out “NO NOT THAT!!” and I stop. Realizing that I said a forbidden word, my Master is not happy now. Removing the hollow plastic cock on the device he replaces it with a double pronged metal dildo with large bumps all over it and a red and black wire in the base of both protrusions, pushing them into my pussy and ass I squirm as a long metal tube goes up my urethra and a plastic tube suctioned onto my clit, wires line the inside giving my clit a rough surface to lay against. Clamps on my nipples and a plug-gag are added, ensuring I cant utter another word as he attaches wired pads to my chest, thighs and ass. stepping back I look horrified as he raises the remote and turns the sybian on, instant orgasm were it not for the chemical as my Master cruely raises the speed to add further discomfort as my inserts all start humming wildly inside me.

Continuing to raise the speed my Masters eyes locked on mine as he eventually maxes the device out, lowering 1 remote and grabbing another he smiles as he says “you will now learn that you can never say “No” to your Master!” almost yelling the last 2 words as he presses the button and my body lights up with power as every opening is filled with a violent hum while simultaniously coursing with electricity. Thankful my plug-gag is in place to stop me shattering my teeth my Master returns to my face, hard cock in hand as he removes my plug and rams his member into my empty mouth. The dungeon now filled with buzzing, electricity cracking and gagged moans as my body and mind are tortured for saying “no”.

2 hours pass, 2 whole, slow, agonizing hours of denial hell, my Master has long since left my mouth, but not before dumping a fresh load into my mouth and replugging my face, he now sits in a chair watching my body dancing as best it can while bound strictly, he sips from a cool drink as he drinks in my torment with a smile on his face as he then pours a grey, sloppy fluid from a large bottle into a funnel as he mutters something under his breath. Believing I have learned my lesson my Master presses a button and the electricity tormenting my body stops, forgotten seconds later as my body continues quaking as the vibrations lower to a dim hum. Removing the devices both in and on me my Master then opens the device holding me and raises me up, swapping my box glove restraining my arms with a armbinder he cinches it tight and wraps the straps above and bleow my breasts, confirming my helplessness is ongoing. Leading me to the middle of the room and connecting a chain to the d-ring on the armbinder my Master raises my arms and I lean forward to release the strain on them. raising higher im forced into a tight angle as the muscles in my legs burn in my ballet boots as my Master inserts his cock once again into my pussy, I have given up on cumming at this point as if I could cum, the 2 hours on electric vibration would have seen to it and then some, but having failed to cum in that situation its clearly impossible, the pleasure only continuing to mount higher on my senses, a simple stroke across my breast grants the same response as a brush to my clit.

Giving my pussy 3 loads directly he then pushes into my sore ass and puts another 2 loads. Taking a step back my Master smacks my ass hard, leaving a handprint easily on my left cheek, he turns his attention to my right cheek and repeats, leaving another mark. Turning to a wall, my Master has a wide selection of canes, floggers and whips, taking a leather flogger from the wall my ass recieves 15 smacks per cheek and my eyes water in pain as my pussy burns with unobtainable desire. Turning his attention to my exposed thighs my Master proceeds to swap out for a cane and gives my inner thighs a few taps to make the coming hits more anticipated and pushing a vibrating egg inside my pussy to keep me entertained, slamming hard on my inner leg Im quickly left with multiple welts for my juices to run down over. Slamming against the back of my legs and over my ass I scream out in pain and pleasure as Im oddly aroused by the pain my Master delivers with each blow. After 20 strikes per leg my tears dropping on the floor making a small puddle as the last hit strikes, a cold salve is rubbed against my burning welts by my Masters ever calm hand, rubbing deep into my flesh you feel relieved, the pain is fading fast as the salve does its work on my tender skin. Raising my body up straight Im unbound from the chain and led out to the main hall to a table in the middle of the room.

Instructed to stand still I watch with a look of confusion as my Master shuffles a table off a small carpet and then moves the carpet to reveal a hatch in the floor. I never knew there was a hatch but then again I have never seen that table moved since my first day here, opening the hatch my Master calls me over and I peer inside, the posture collar demanding I lean forward at the hip. I see a box, its not small by any means but its still tightly wedged in the floor, removing it would take time, listening close I can hear moans and a strong buzzing coming from the box, looking at my Master he smiles. “you will find out tomorrow my dear” he says as he closes the hatch and puts the carpet and table back on top of the hatch, hiding it from view completly as he fiddles with a tube ensuring its exposed slightly. whoever is inside, Im curious as to who it is and how long they have been in the box. Standing beside me my Master grabs my firm, welted ass as he squeezes and chuckles, causing me to giggle like a schoolgirl, my plug-gag is removed and Im taken to the dining room for lunch, armbinder removed, clearly not interested in hand feeding me a second time today Im free to move around and I make a sandwich your both me and my Master as Im told and sit to eat. Absentmindedly moving a hand to rub my pussy I hear my Master clear his throat, snapping me out of my daze as I catch my hand doing its best to pleasure me.

Taking me back to my room Im stripped of my clothes and boots, gasping as my bare feet find solid ground and almost drop to massage my tortured toes. A black latex bodysuit is pulled from my wardrobe and thrown to my bed and Im ordered to put it on, being told to use my own juices as lubricant to assist as needed. A latex hood with only nose holes is removed followed by a latex armbinder, corset, heels and vacbed, all placed on the bed beside me as he turns to help me get dressed. Putting the latex bodysuit on was easy enough, Master was right, pussy juice made for good lubricant to slide in easier, zipping it up its followed by my corset, pulled tight by my Master. Hood followed and then heels and armbinder, standing me up on my feet I wait as he sets up my bed, and lays me down once its set and Im covered in the top latex sheet with my legs opened by his hand, gap over my nose is all I need as my Master turns the attached pumps on, seconds later all the air is sucked out of my latex prison and my Master takes a few seconds to look at my body.

Grabbing some latex polish my Master then covers my latex and rubs me all over, no doubt to make me a shiny latex effigy I feel something press against my pussy and I take a quick breath in. Having made sure it was secure and would not shift away from my clit, my Master turns my hitachi on medium speed and holds my nose, blocking my air as I thrust my hips against the stimulation, thrusting harder as my brain screams for fresh air my face would be almost blue if I could see it and my Master releases my nose and I suck air in as my body shakes in a denial blitz, my orgasm still unobtainable.

“Today has been fun Slave, you took alot of my cum, tomorrow ill have someone suck it out” my Master says, barely audible as he turns my light off and leaves me to squirm in your latex prison with a Hitachi buzzing on my clit.

[benis413]

meds rant lol

i am so fucking grateful for my meds working. i started taking adhd meds like 1 1/2 yrs ago and it sucked ASS but i essentially got diagnosed, felt pretty fucking pissed at my shitty brain and got stimulants shoved in my face by psychiatrists and ig i kind of thought that would fix me? idk i was really excited and heard other ppl with adhd talking ab how amazing it was to get medicated bc everything “went quiet” and holy shit i would give several toes and a foot for that, but the meds just gave me a shit ton of anxiety and uncontrollable energy for like an hour. i tried just about every adhd pill under the sun and some weird non-stimulant that lowered my blood pressure so much that i passed out lol, and i honestly should not have stayed on the meds i was taking for that long bc the side effects i got were ass, but i was kind of in denial ab them not working. 

i also started taking zoloft in February 2021 and they did fuck all, but the doctors just kept telling me to try a higher dose so i went up to like 100mg and it still didn’t fucking work (shocking, i know) and then in September when i told them i wanted new antidepressants they literally told me to take more walks. i shit you not this bitch of a doctor told me straight up that “meds won’t fix all ur problems for you”. like i already go on walks at least once a day? i did everything they’ve fucking told me to, i went through hell and back and i still felt like SHIT. they eventually gave me cymbalta and oh my fucking god. i remember this one specific night a couple weeks after switching meds where i had just put up my mini christmas tree and i was eating ice cream and i felt genuinely at peace and happy and i just started sobbing bc it was such a fucking relief to finally feel effortlessly happy after months of having to constantly prevent myself from reverting back to my default mode of sadness/numbness. it hasn’t been perfect, i still am pretty unstable and get really low “dips” but for the first time in so long i feel like i dont have to drag myself through life. 

and whaddaya know, it turns out that if you switch ssri meds you can react differently to stimulants, so i recently started taking adhd meds again and they fucking work. i damn near started crying during a math lesson bc i realized that i dont actually hate math, i just cant focus! fuck my eyeliner im crying in the club rn and the past week of school has been so good, ive caught up(almost) with the rest of the class and ive been in school all week (which almost never happens). i didn’t even fall asleep after coming home from school or break down after the week was over! 

it feels fucking fantastic (obviously), but i still feel kind of suspicious, like it feels strange to not be behind on school and just life in general ig. its been so long since i felt so alive, and its fucking february. who feels alive during february?! 

im legitimately terrified that any day now im going to get worse and go back to feeling half-dead. i really fucking hope that this isnt just temporary bc i honestly dont think i could survive getting a glimpse of what i could be and then having it taken away from me lol