#HE IS SO BITE SIZED I WANT TO KMS

[woozisguitar]

LEE JIHOON ONE CHANCE PLEASE (I miss him 😔)

my favourite lo(ser)ver boy I MISS HIM SO MUCH PLEASE 😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔

[hannibals-favourite-meal]

.⋆｡You’re My To-Do List｡⋆.

Clark Kent x plus size reader

A break in the day’s pack schedule means that Clark is going to be in your pants.

Warnings: domestic fluff, mom!reader, implied smut, oral (f receiving), Conner is still Clark’s clone in this, car sex

WC: 598

A/N: I lost the request I'm so sorry!

Minors DNI

3000 Follower Celebration

With five kids, three of which were just under two, it was almost impossible to have a moment alone with your husband and when you did, there was never enough time for sex. So when there was a 10 minute gap between dropping Jon off at the Wayne’s and picking up the triplets from daycare, Clark wanted to take full advantage. 

You were looking down at your shopping list, mentally going over all the things you would need for the week when suddenly the mini van swerved and you were thrown against the passenger door. “Clark!” But your husband wasn’t listening. Instead he was directing the car down an empty road off of the private lane from Wayne Manor. Once he felt you were far enough from the main road, he shut off the engine and turned to you.

“Take off your pants, get in the back.” 

“Clark no. We have things to do.” He pouted.

“Yeah I know, you’re on my to-do list. See.” He pulled out his phone and showed you his notes app, where at the top it said ‘to-do list’ with a simple ‘eat my wife’s pussy’ right under. You sighed heavily through your nose. Clark was almost glaring at you with a determination you had only seen him use in the most dire of circumstances.

Damn those big blue eyes. You glanced down at your phone and made a note of the time. “You have five minutes.” The click of the seatbelt releasing and his large hands on your wide hips were your only warning before you found yourself in the very back of the car, with your lower half completely naked. 

He nestled his broad shoulder between your plump thighs and pressed his face to your core. You sagged against the seats as he pushed the tip of his nose against your clit like he was trying to breathe you in. You tangled your fingers in his curls as you used your dominant hand to pick up your phone once more. The shopping list was slowly getting longer as Clark took his sweet time lapping at you but not doing much more than that.

“Oh remind me that we need to pick up some more laundry detergent for Conner, I’m pretty sure he’s been using your mom’s. And the girls need glitter from some project the day care wants to do. And Diana mentioned- ow! What the fuck! Did you just bite me!” And sure enough, Clark pulled away from your inner thigh where a nice deep indent of his teeth now lay in your soft skin. A smug grin pulled at his lips, the same grin that resulted in you birthing four big-headed babies.

“Will you just shut up and let me go down on you? I haven’t tasted this perfect little pussy in almost a month and I know that we both need it.” He begged and scooted closer so he could rest his cheek on your mound. “Please just forget all of that shit for five minutes and let me make you feel good.”

Your hand fell from his hair to his jaw, stroking the stubble that he hadn’t had time to get rid of. “Okay okay. I guess you’re right, it has been a while and we’re both a bit pent up.” He smiled at you, kissing the tips of your fingers. 

“Of course I’m right! Now let me get to work.” And then he threw your legs over his shoulder and got down to business. 

Long story short, you were 20 minutes late picking up your toddlers.

Request: Can I please request number 20 with clark kent, pretty please?

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[aceofbooks-creative-anthologies]

Here is the beginning of the end for Ace x Chigiri (can you have an end without a start?)

It's been three years since the tear.

Three years of developing an actual friendship. I might even call him my best friend at this point. Lord knows that the girls on my team have started to resent me, which bleeds into my friendships in the classroom. So even if I don't call him my best friend, he's the closest thing I have.

Three years of carefully measuring myself against the Japanese Olympians. Three years of mediocre training that I have to compensate for elsewhere. Three years of biting my tongue about my potential because I don't want to remind him of what he's lost.

Three years of hiding my growing feelings for him. Childhood cooties turned into a pre-teen crush over a boy I knew next to nothing about. Well, besides his shoe size, his height, his stride length, his speed range, his favorite color of shoelaces, his preferred electrolyte mix, the faces he makes when he's breathing hard, the way his heart beats in the jugular vein when I out pace him..... Those childish fancies blossomed into real romantic yearnings and aspirations. But I'd never act on them.

And now we tell each other everything. Well not everything. I don't tell him about the doodles of our names in a heart. Or that the girls at school make fun of me for my "girlfriend" whenever they happen to catch a glimpse of my camera roll. I don't tell him that I don't tell them the truth because I want to keep him all to myself. If he met any of the girls on my team or in my class, he'd want to—

The news comes over text message:

Red: i've been invited to trial for an exclusive soccer program Red: can i call you? Red: actually can we meet up? Red: i want Red: no i NEED Red: to talk with you about this in person

He's never asked to meet up outside of our time at the park before.

Blue: yeah sure Blue: when?

My phone pings, an alert to a high priority email. I clear it from the activity log.

Red: now? Red: i know it's before dinner Red: so i'll see you in a couple hours Red: but

The blinking ellipses taunt me as he types and erases his message over and over again. They settle as his message finally comes through.

Red: please? Red: *GIF of Puss in Boots pleading*

Blue: fine Blue: omw

Down the stairs and into the front hall. "Hey mum?" I call over my shoulder as I lace up my running shoes. They're looking pretty beat up, will probably only get a couple more meets out of them at this rate—if I'm okay with running without any soles. Maybe I should ask for an advance for my New Year's money from Gramma.

"Yes dear?" Comes my mother's call from inside the kitchen.

"I'm going out to meet up with Red for a bit. I should be back in time for dinner."

"That's odd. You'll just see him after dinner." I can almost hear the furrow in her brow.

"He got some important news earlier. Wants someone to talk to about it."

"He can't talk to his parents?"

I'm halfway out the door as I call back, "I don't know, mum. But this will probably be the first and last time, yeah? Love you." Her response is muffled by the door as it latches into place behind me, but there's a ninety-five percent chance it was about my homework, which is finished anyway.

After a few static stretches in the yard, I take off down the street at a (relatively) slower pace of eight min/km. I don't need to run at my training or race pace when I know he's going to take longer, even though he lives considerably closer.

Unless he's already there and was just hoping that I would agree to show up.

With each stride, I can feel the pavement pounding its way through my shoes. Thump, thump, thump. Doesn't quite match my heart rate yet, but it'll get there. There's a trill from my watch, noting the sudden spike in my heart rate and decrease in my oxygen levels. But no threshold alerts, so I'm all set to keep going.

The high priority email vibrates in my pocket four times before I reach the park.

Deep breaths. In through the nose. Count to five. Out through the mouth. Count to seven. In. Count to five. Out. Count to....

Hands over head. Keep the chest open.

It's like my trainer is in my head. I can almost see his mustache ruffle as he breathes, muttering about how I'm training too hard.

Dynamic stretches to keep the blood from pooling.

Five minutes into my cool down, and he still hasn't arrived. I check my phone, hoping that I don't see a text from him saying that he fell twenty minutes ago.

Nothing from Red, but there is that pesky high priority email. Might as well check it while I wait for him.

From: The Japanese Olympic Athletics Team

To: kyori.ace@joshi-kou.edu

Dear Miss Ace Kyori,

We are pleased to notify you of our interest in your performance at your recent meets and at our informal training camp last month.

Pending the status of your next few meets, we'd like to extend an invitation for you to compete at our —

"Hey Blue!" I almost drop my phone at the sound of his voice behind me. And then I do drop my phone as I turn around, because I've never seen him not wearing athletic gear. I mean, we've sent a couple of silly selfies at like school or whatever, but this is genuine casual clothing in person. It's just a navy sweater and jeans, but it's still so out of the normal that my heart and brain stutter for a second.

I can feel my face heating up as he reaches down and grabs my phone for me because I haven't moved. "I hope I didn't keep you waiting long." The smile on his face seems somber, like something has made him upset in the almost hour since we last spoke.

"Only an eternity." I sigh dramatically, using an old joke to try and lift his mood. He had good news earlier, and I have some now too! We should be celebrating.

"Right, sorry that me and my handicap—" I wait quietly for him to finish his line in this exchange, a script that we've used hundreds, if not thousands, of times at this point. He lets out a breath after a moment and then, "Sorry. I'm not really in the headspace to joke about it right now."

"Oh. That's fine! Do you want to go for a walk or—"

"No, this shouldn't take long. We can just stay out here."

"Right."

Minutes start to tick by as he wrings his hands and stares at his feet.

"Look, Red. I told my mom that—"

"Right, sorry." He's running a hand through his hair now, trying to pin it back so it's out of his face. I silently offer him my spare hair elastic, but he waves me off with his other hand before letting the first hand, and by extension his hair, fall. It shrouds his face in a way that I know he despises, but I resist the urge to step in closer and brush it away. He takes one, two, three deep breaths......

[pokidot]

MANDELA - PROLOGUE

warnings: spooky kooky doppelgangers, kys/kms jokes, cursing wc: 1108

“I’m beginning to think you’re a child!” The aggravated, nagging shouts of a woman in her mid ages began in the home. “I told you for the millionth time to stop doing this late at night, and you continue to flirt with death!”

“You need to learn not to be so dramatic,” Taro stared directly at her before proceeding to leave little room in his hiking bag with essentials. "I have a mission, Kane. Something you wouldn't be able to understand."

“I’m sorry?” The woman’s eyes could have bulged so far out her head that they could have fallen out of their sockets. “Repeat that if you want to see tomorrow. Actually, I dare you to.”

Blinking against the harsh bite of his wife’s words, he turned his head back down to zip his fanny pack. “I’m not sure why you’re so anal about me going this time compared to the others. This is nothing new, and I thought you were aware of that. I used to go even when you were sleeping.”

“Are you kidding me?! Ohh, this is a scandal worse than cheating to me.” The wallowing wife complained. “Jesus, Taro, you’re losing it.”

“I’m perfectly sane, honey.”

“Look at you! You’re looking for things that you can’t even find, you’ve got your coat all dirty from these completely bizarre expeditions you put yourself in, and you look fucking stupid above all!” She pulled the goggles the size of giant saucers off his eyes and back down to his neck aggressively, almost making him wobble.

“It’s how I see…” Taro’s pride had spoken, looking away quietly as his lips pulled together into a pout. “Looks like someone’s not getting their early morning coffee.”

“I’m so glad you think that’s what this is about, you absolute…” The woman ceased herself from her impending thoughts, taking a sharp breath in before nearing closer to her husband. “Look at you, sweetheart. You’re reeling. This isn’t some type of game where you can easily scout the source and find what you’re looking for. And what even are you looking for anyway? Those things don’t even exist.”

Taro gasped, eyes widened. “Kane!”

“I’m serious! They’re not real, they’re just fictive depictions of something that wasn’t as dramatic or folklores.” Kane hazily rubbed her temples. “A man in a goalie mask is more likely to kill you than whatever you’re trying to find. Is that what you want?! I didn’t know you wanted to get away from me so easily.”

“You just have to make it about that and not about how we could get some serious money from this, huh.” Taro sighed, "Come on! We could have everything if I stick with this just for a little while longer. I'm so close to the truth, I can feel it, Kane. It's festering in those woods, there's a reason why I went out after I heard sounds! Who else could it be other than Bigfoot!?"

"Oh, I'm not stopping you from doing what you want, Taro. In fact, I'd rather you be out there than in here right now." Kane beelined towards the door, swinging it open and utilizing her arms to motion him out. "If you want to be an idiot, do it where I can't see you. Come home when you wake up."

He may have made a mistake not taking her concerns to mind.

He was caught like a deer in the headlights that one night in the sleeping woods. Having been already awake, he strove to find what had been plaguing his mind for years. Eating at his frontal lobe, relentlessly kept him thinking of the possibilities. The idea of finding Bigfoot was the only thing keeping this man up for the past two years.

And after finding evidence of suspicious creatures hanging around his tall-structured wood cabin, he grabbed his gear quicker than you could blink.

The smell of early morning rain dissipating, dew drops and crisp, cold air greeting his senses in a warm hug. A charismatic welcome to his endeavors. But the further he walked into the grass complexion of his surroundings, he was suddenly struck with an object dull, yet powerful enough to knock him to the ground.

Darkness shadowed out a lonesome man’s venture in the forest, his night vision goggles laying pathetically next to him. His head had a huge gash on it, remaining there as visible even in pitch black. It shone against his skull like cruel diamonds, a festering and luring tragedy. The only thing he could make out amongst the agony of his head, feeling like he was splitting into two endlessly, was the footsteps of another person nearing towards him.

“Hello,” He blubbered mindlessly, following the voice nearing him. “I need sum’ help ‘ere, if you don’t mind…”

He remained in a daze-- the other was as silent as they were nearing him. It thickened with tension; his head hung too heavy on the ground to lift it as the sound behind him wouldn't stop laughing in shrills as if it were grating its nails on the walls. He desperately attempted to fish for his flashlight, until his hand was stopped by a foot.

Usually it wouldn't phase Taro, he's dealt with most of the mind-grating pains when he was hunting, but the boot was emitting something seething like no other, equal to his head wound. He felt the bones under his skin become brittle the harder he pressed down. In a state of panic, he started to squirm, causing himself to shout in agony at his voracious movements.

His fight or flight started to active as soon as he managed to look up to see himself. Staring down on him like he was rubbish, the contorted smile of Taro himself only becoming screwed and jumbled up. His smile lifted to the tops of his cheeks and his eyeballs expanded. He could only see his deformed appearance, and he couldn't help but scream himself.

"Help..help!! Anybody! Kane!!" Taro hollered, his pain causing his vocal cards to rumble in his throat. He dry heaved, attempting to move his body away, but the slick boot of his own self casually slid off his hand to grant him a kick to the bottom of his jaw, rolling him over on his back.

He was spent. And the doppelgänger knew this too, because before Taro could even process a sliver of a sentence, the imposter looked down now with a malicious glint in his eyes. "Y̸̺͑o̶̘̔u̶̯͠ ̶̻̅s̷̩̈́h̶̠͛o̴̮͑u̵̪͑l̵͙̃d̶̖͘ ̴͍̈ȟ̶̻ḁ̸̉ṿ̶͋ẽ̴͚ ̸̗͒l̷͕̕i̶̭͂s̷̯̿t̶͎̎e̶̙̔ń̴͙e̷͔͛d̴͓̃ ̸̜͑ţ̴͛o̵̬̚ ̶͈̚o̴̿ͅu̷̬͠ṟ̵̈́ ̵̟̚w̷̙̿ĭ̶̹f̶͎̔e̵̩͂.̷̟̀" He spoke slow, every syllable dragging. "B̷͔̀e̸̡̅ç̸̅a̴̤͝u̶͓͊s̴̏��e̴̻̎ ̵̞͘I̴̡̋'̷̢̾v̶̻͠ë̵̝ ̷̫̋b̷̖̌ẽ̷͜ẹ̸̔n̴͎͒ ̶̯͑w̵̲̎a̷̤̓i̸̼̿ţ̸̍ï̸̗n̸͓͑g̵̹͌ ̸̜́f̸̖̌ȏ̷̭r̶̢̓ě̸̠v̵͉͛e̵̟͂r̸̖͂ ̶̫̊t̸̲͠ò̸̡ ̷͉̚g̵̙̋e̸͇̔ť̸͇ ̴̥̒y̷̗̔o̵͖͛ȗ̶̳ ̷̝̒a̸͔͌l̵͙̃o̸̢͘n̷͑ͅé̶͔.̸̫̅"

masterlist

NOTES || i'm actually so excited to write this omg

TAGLIST || @wisteriarain @akagism2 @murderisokayforme @aeongiies @d4y-dr3am3r @truck-kuns-gf @3lysiaa @ayoitsmarie33 @crucnhice @natsuscrustyscarf @zuchilovescats @goj0h @cicibao (if you're in purple, i can't tag you for some reason)

[sonicasura]

Alright then, btw what I'm about to tell is from a small note book his sister gave before I left my friends house when I went to check on him yesterday. Which is good for I already seen I have forgotten quite a bit more then I remeber about the au.

But anyway on to the stuff shall we?

So for starters lets start with the report that the science department left after the experiment was done. I'll try to be as accorate as I can as my friend warned me that some stuff is either unfinished or not something he really wants to share just yet.

Report 204, date xxx year xxx

Subject: Project Parasitic Hound.

The project has been deemed a failure after loosing all but one of 227 test subjects used for the duration of year xxx to year xxx. With the only remaining living subject having been transfered to an officer of the Hoshina clan for furter study and containment until high command has made a decision on what to do with it.

The following is the description of the test subecjt and what is currently know of it and its abilities.

Subject D-08 is a mixed Golden and Labrador Retriver breed of 5 years age that before the transplant had a whitish golden colour, along with being average in both size and strength. With chocolate eye colour. With being mild if a bit too curious in temperment.

Since after the transplants the coat as since turned black that most would either call coal black or obsidian black with now cyanish coloured eyes that glows when in darker areas. Its face also now sports odd white markings that almost form a painted mask of some sort and two small blunted horns has grown out the top of its head.

It has grown to somewhere between 10% to 30% more in size and hight, along with a similare balance in strenght, endurance, speed and intelligent after various tests was done shortly after the transplant.

Its teeth and claws has also been strengthen as well, enough so that a speical muzzle is to be worn at all times to avoid it biting anyone within its reach. It is to be only taken off when it needs to eat.

Its temperment still remains mild, though it has been noted that it now has become guarded and afraid around humans sporting lab coats. As well as shown a more aggressive side when meeting certain personnel.

The test subject has also gained two abilities of sorts. One is that it is now able to detect other kaijus within a 2 to 5 km raidus around itself. This discovery was only made and been comfirmed when subject reacted rather violently and fearfully when it detected a small invasion of mole type kaijus in the countryside during another test done in the area.

The second is a being able to control electricity. Though not very powerful, the subject is able to control the electricity enough to form a small bubble around itself for protection and hurl small lighting bolt like attakcs at range that will at most stun the traget. Its claws as well is able to be enhanted by said electricity to deliver a more power full attack at close range.

The subject has also shown no further aging as well, as its body seems to have stopped its age shortly after the transplant. More time is need to comfirm this though.

Oof. Poor Kafka definitely wasn't treated well to say the least. This is honestly the type of shit the more unhinged members in the Science Department would do.

[butchdykefag]

about

18+ only. I will block ageless accounts.

wlw/mlm/lesbians/gay men/all queer people welcome

this is a sideblog. I follow from my main but it'll be pretty obvious what it is because it's a fairly similar url. shoot me an ask if you'd like it though.

this blog isn't entirely nsfw. I also post abt general queer things, butch content, etc

transmasc butch lesbian. on testosterone and have had top surgery!

I am taken & am fine with compliments but no serious flirting please

I am a top, on the stone spectrum, and am dating a wonderful femme but I am butch4both.

icon is by unseconds

I don't care about queer discourse so please don't drag me into debates about transmasc lesbians/transfem gays, who can date who, multigender people who use contradicting labels, ace discourse, etc. I do not care. as long as no one is hurting anyone else it's literally not a big deal. thanks.

dni: terfs/radfems, minors, m4ps, be4stiality, pro-ed, raceplay, detrans kink, cishet men, cishet women you are on thin ice

more under the cut

do

any pronouns, he/they most preferred

masculine titles

masculine compliments

feminine compliments

message me for friendship

don't

the compliment "pretty" makes me want to kms for trauma reasons, don't do it 😊

same for "daddy" absolutely not

dm me with anything sexual. I am happily taken.

kinks

these aren't all kinks persey but they're some things I'm into

biting/marking

monsters

breeding (to an extent- basically, cumplay or pretend is great. the thought of pregnancy is a huge no in either direction)

size kink

edging

soft topping

cock/strap warming

no's

dd/lg, scat, watersports, pregnancy, object insertion, petplay

tags (wip)

#butch

#femme

#sfw

#butch4femme

#butch4butch

#🍓 - tag for my girlfriend

[runveganwankerrun]

Sun 13th Nov '22

I debated not running when I woke this morning. I'd the alarm and my mind set, yet I still waivered initially. I woke before the alarm though and as I sat on the loo, I just pulled on my big girl pants, literally and figuratively, and stopped thinking about the fact that I feel fat and hate being seen out on the roads at the minute. When I'm more svelt, I quite like people I know to see me, but not so right now.

No excuces though. It was before 9am, so the roads weren't busy. I only had to do a few k if I fancied it, no pressure. I picked a pair of shorts and a tee shirt that I didn't feel too fat in, stuck on

and went out the door. I'm pretty fucking chuffed that I made myself go. It meant that I was sitting down to a coffee and food, showered and smug, before 10am.

The run. The run was no fucking fun. I still hate nearly every fucking step when I'm alone. I still question my ability to run further and even more, my desire to get better. I've paid for Manchester, but I wonder how much of a waste of money it is. I have a few weeks left before I really need to tell TGG. A few weeks to build base fitness and stick to a basic programme before looking into flights and a hotel. I wonder what TGG will say. He's supportive of all I do. If I tell him I'm determined, he'll definitely be in my corner. He'll also be fully behind me playing it close to my chest. I don't think I'll say to anyone till a lot closer to the time, when I'll tell the other chaps from club who are entered. There are four blokes now. I will book us a hotel independent of them though, so we're not cramping their style. Till then, if anyone notices my mileage increase, I'll just let them think I'm considering the Belfast marathon, as loads of the club will do it. There's already talk of relay teams, as well as individual entries. It will be a believable story.

I had my instruction from earlier in the week to remind Coach today if I wanted a training plan, so I PMed him and told him briefly about my running this week. I apologised in advance for all the times I will complain in the future that I hate running and am shit at it and said I was grateful for any help he could give. He gave me the first week's plan, said it was twenty-three weeks to Manchester, so the first few weeks were to give me something to build from before "the fun starts." Doesn't that sound good? Not! :-) But it felt good to have something solid to aim for this week, despite the fear of failure. If I keep things in perspective, the fear fades. Bite size pieces, that's the way to think of marathon training. Take this week for instance. Five runs, all at easy, or "easy peasy" pace. No speed work yet, just km in the bank and time on my feet. My longest session is four miles easy, later in the week. I already plan to do that with Sonic on Friday morning.

I can't deny, I'm feeling positive. I had another good food day, another weekend day when I did not eat shit in front ot the telly. TGG and I had a light dander to ASDA, the long way,

did not buy sweets (grapes instead) and I made a savoury bulgar wheat risotto type thing for dinner. Breakfast had been leftover stew from the other day. Lovely and protieny after a run. I had some of yesterday's soup for lunch, then the bulgar wheat for tea. I am delighted with myself.

I do not know what my weight will be like in the morning for the Monday morning weigh in, but if it's not as good as I'd like, it won't be for want of trying and any possible unfavouable result will be because I'm surfing the crimson tide as of last night and not because I ate unhealthily.

150g bulgar wheat

200g chopped onion

100g broad beans

100g frozen sweetcorn

garlic salt

onion salt

garlic granuales

onion granuales

nutritional yeast

Put bulgar wheat and onions in a sauce pan with enough boiling water to cover them, bring to the boil, then bring down to simmer gently. The bulgar wheat will take approx fifteen minutes to cook, but will likely take longer in this case because we add the frozen veg immediately after. Add about half a teaspoon of the garlic and onion granuales and salts. Start with less of the salts, but I think once you add more water to keep the bulgar wheat moist, it will need the salt for flavour. Add enough water that the bulgar doesn't boil dry, but doesn't go too sloppy. Once tender and the broad beans and sweetcorn are cooked, add about three tablespoons of nutritional yeast. This makes it lovely and cheesy. This is two potions, at about 550 cals each. Delish! It's proper stodgey, stick to your ribs, Winter fare. Obviously I ate both portions.

[lale-txt]

🍆 online dating headcanons: Whitebeard pirates

a/n: i've had the idea for those on an endless long train ride where the person in front of my swiped heavily through Tinder and Grindr and i saw it all. told @cyborg-franky about it and we took the idea and ran with it because let's admit it, they would all have very wild and chaotic profiles. will do other crews too, because they were so fun!

Ace

he would censor his profile picture with a strategically placed fire emoji 🔥 except that it‘s not an emoji but literally body parts of him on fire

uses every dating app possible. chances are high you will match him on 11 different apps but you never talk

“if you have daddy issues…. damn me too, let’s talk”

he would lie about his age but in a very obvious way

sure, everyone would believe this little twink firecracker is a man in his mid fifties, gotta serve the dilf connoisseurs too

will get pissed and block them though when they let him know he looks like a younger version of his dad (they would know)

he has the lesbian dating mindset and is willing to travel for a promising coffee date

"sexypiratethot69 is 3615 km away" "pops can we do a small detour?"

Marco

his picture is him naked with a strategically placed pineapple

a delight to match, he is easy to connect with, fun to talk to, willing to send a nude if it’s consensual, good dirty talker

will probably ghost you though

not with intention but by accident because he’ll forget the password to his phone

and let’s be honest, he does need a password protected phone with all those little mischievous men around him

he never forgot the one time Ace and Thatch matched him with a particular silver fox who lives on Sabaody Archipelago

things got awkward when they scheduled a video call and the boys thought a pineapple with sunglasses and a voice distorter could do the trick

it didn’t

Izou

lots and lots of aesthetically pleasing thirst traps, candles in the background, playing with light and angles

god you don’t know if you want to match him or be him

everyone uses Izou‘s photos to catfish

which leads to Thatch and Vista having a very awkward first date

maybe a second one, too

maybe they kiss

maybe they get married

maybe Izou murders

maybe Izou matches them all and invites them to a battle royal

Marco: "do you think maybe you went to far?"

he gets bitchslapped, then both of them go on a date and Marco has to pay for everything

as they return the battle is still going on

Marco & Izou would be sipping wine and watch the chaos, perfect date night

Thatch

his profile picture is either him standing naked in his kitchen OR in an apron that looks like a naked chest

maybe also a "kiss the cook" apron

you know those pictures on dating profiles where men hold up dead fish for reasons no one understands?

he would do the same but ask Marco to play dead as a phoenix

lifts him up by the ankle

will send you baguette emojis 🥖 instead of the regular old aubergine

he is very good at sexting

seriously, what a flirt

all the foodies on the Grand Line match him, thirsting for a bite of those thick, juicy buns of his

i would seriously cry if he didn’t match me

will block you if you ask him if he ate the fucking fruit

Whitebeard

his picture is him naked with a strategically placed boat

an old marine boat probably

Marco had to take the picture from up in the air (see you in therapy blue birb)

just imagine your parent on any dating app

they might not be the best with technology but they are shameless

he is open to send the uncensored version of his profile picture if it’s consensual, the reactions to that give him so much life

he would not shy away to tell everyone about his new matches over dinner, leaving everyone with their mouths open by the amount of matches he got

”the magic trick is adding your height in your bio. your dick size too”

everyone (including you) is now thinking about that old marine boat and what was underneath it

don’t be shy, just swipe right on him, you won’t regret it

[moonjosjongwoo]

Hello :D I have random question for you...

If Moonjo and Jongwoo were animals, what animals would they be? :D

i really did try not to be all weird and creepy with this ask, i swear lmfao. i was trying to come up with something more metaphorical and idk...not weird, but this is matt y'all are talking to and i'm literally stupid and don't think about like beautiful, elegant references to why i think this character is like this animal. it took me a few days to respond to this because i knew i was going to embarrass myself, but i also love it when y'all send me asks like this and i didn't want you to think i didn't like it.

so, because i really did enjoy the question and also at risk of never getting another one again because of how off the wall this answer is, here goes:

i watched a tiktok right before i got this message. there's a guy i watch on there who has really terrifying facts about animals that just...oh god i love his videos okay. this question conveniently happened to pop up right after i watched one about ribbon worms. yeah, i immediately thought moonjo. proceed at your own risk here.

idk if you've ever seen these guys online or anything, but they're pretty fuckin terrifying. they hunt prey by shooting this white, branching appendage called a proboscis out and literally dragging their prey in and swallowing them whole. some species can consume prey multiple times their size. i'm not gonna post any links to videos since tumblr likes to delete posts from tags if they have embedded links, but youtube has plenty for y'all. google itself has ample resources too lmao.

but here's the real kicker: they're super hard to kill. most species can regenerate, and it's damn near like they're multiplying because they can be severed in multiple spots.

but the proboscis is really what got me making this comparison. i think to all the hands moonjo had on everyone else in the show. the twins and nambok were petrified of him--even ms. eom had her reservations about him. kihyuk was ensnared by him by simply thinking he had a place where he belonged. and it's obvious jongwoo wasn't getting out until he did what moonjo expected of him. moonjo had them all in his hands.

a couple extra little ribbon worm facts you didn't ask for but you're getting anyway that may or may not be somehow relevant to moonjo:

using the proboscis, a ribbon worm may even inject toxins to paralyze prey or digest them before they even get to its mouth. some of them have a proboscis over 20 times their body length.

as for jongwoo...yeah, brace yourself, because this one isn't any less weird. my boy, because of how unpredictable he is and how he responds to trauma, is a zebra.

let me explain: zebras live in an area rife with predators and other animals that make it very difficult to coexist peacefully. Because of that, they have no other choice but to respond with volatility and aggression.

and we have seen in the show that jongwoo absolutely can and absolutely will fuck your shit up if you pose a danger to him. all in all, he's just trying to live his life and he doesn't attack others just for the sake of attacking others--he does it as a defense mechanism--because he has no other choice.

to continue on that tangent, zebras don't just kick the shit out of their enemies in defense either. they will bite, push, and do whatever it takes to settle whatever shit may be happening. on top of that, if another stallion tries to get involved with their mate, they will absolutely fuck them up. see also: what jongwoo would have probably eventually done had moonjo not turned jaeho into a 'was' before him.

and because i did the same thing for ribbon worms, have a couple of facts about zebras that may or may not have something to do with jongwoo too:

they can run up to 65 km per hour. in miles per hour, that's 40. that's...really fucking fast, and probably also means they have hella endurance--hence, why jongwoo survived that fight, as exhausting and painful as it looked. also, they can sleep standing up. idk if that directly correlates to jongwoo, but i feel like it somehow does.

so yeah--my weird version of something that was probably intended to be a lot more beautiful and metaphorical, but i'm dense as fuck and really bad at metaphors and also just have a genuine interest in strange facts about animals. i really really wish i was sorry, but i wouldn't have shared all this with y'all if i was gonna lie about it lmfao.

that being said, pls don't hate me aldjkfklasjdflk

[flow-green]

Fresh dog onwer and a Fuck-It-Diet

Slowly I am crawling out from my black hole. Few months of silence has been broken. I disappeared for a bit due to quite severe reason. I will not reveal it here in details, if anyone is interested, feel free to DM me :). It was not related to my ED. Life just happened and decided to throw quite a tricky challenge on my way, which luckily got solved in a positive way, and within March I managed to pick myself back up again.

These two months were quite adventurous and opened my eyes on many levels. I started to appreciate more what and who surrounds me and how dear and important my family and close ones are to me. I realized that I hurt them with my self-destructive behavior and this constant worrying over me is an unnecessary burden and a source for stress. So, I am really grateful for this experience. More and more I have started to let go of the restrictions and demons in my head and slowly move towards a mentality that my body is my own temple, my own home and serves me and myself only, and not someone else. Or, well, perhaps in an uncertain future it will be a temporary home for another person, so I should really take care of my body.

These last two weeks have opened my eyes even more, because by a happy accident I stumbled upon a book, but more on that a bit later. First, I would like to tell you about one of the biggest changes of my life, which has brought so much happiness and positivity to our lives. Namely, we now have a new family member. No, I did not have a baby (a bit ironic in this context...), but now there is a constant cheerful pit-a-pat on our floor, made by four cute little paws. On February 16 we got an unexpected opportunity to get a dog! Charlie has now been with us almost 2 months, 2 amazing months. In his quite unique size and unknown breed (we suspect a fox is somehow involved...) he has turned us into these crazy dog lady and sir, you know, like a crazy cat lady.

I think if people saw us right now just the three of us in our natural habitat, they would never ever dare to do any official busines with us.

Anyhow, here he is. Charlie even has his own Instagram account (another sign that we definitely are not normal)

Mr. Dog has a massive amount of dog fur which happily floats all over the house and if we vacuum the entire place on Wednesday morning, all the fur bunnies have taken their natural place back to themselves.

Charlie is cool. With his happy face he rides with us to all the places around the country, he loves car rides. Every weekend we go to some new place in Estonia to explore, our 10 km (over 6 miles) hikes have become our cool new habit. One morning was especially special. We both lost our sleep around 4 AM in the morning and after an hour of chit chat in the bed while Charlie still slept between us (yes, he is a heavy sleeper and definitely not a morning person and yes, he sleeps in our bed. Deal with it), we decided that enough of bedtime and no more sleep. let’s wake up as the sun will rise at 6 AM. Let’s make some breakfast and lunch to go, watch the sunrise with coffee and then go to an early hike in Käsmu, around the epic seaside in Northern Estonia. Done deal. This was one of the most amazing days in my life.

Charlie is just like a therapy dog. Every time when I feel like breaking down in tears, I hug Charlie tight and let him comfort me with his soft cuddles and confident and wise eyes. All the sorrow and worries are gone. Charlie has also made us so active physically. We take several longer or shorter walks throughout the day. I have started to really love walking and running again and for me, for myself, and not for calories or for punishment. I am not counting distance or pace anymore. Every evening I fall asleep, happily excited about my upcoming morning run. I truly enjoy every last step I take.

But, as I promised, a few lines about my new ‘diet’ called The Fuck It Diet. Recently, I pampered myself with another e-reader and this motivated me to search some books which are suggested for people struggling with eating disorders. ‘The Fuck It Diet’ popped up and caught my eye. I managed to get it as an e-book and eagerly dug the pages in. The first lines already made my jaw drop: at first with anger towards the stated facts and later on because of complete understanding.

This book has totally topsy-turvy’ed my views as it describes my current situation in exquisite correct details. My whole belief system about diets, eating habits and weight numbers have completely changed. The whole book teaches you how to get rid of food addiction, self-esteem issues and obsession about body image and weight.

Why have I spent over 10 years battling with anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder? Why do I relapse in my hardest moments and total body hating world into an absurd calorie restriction, where I lose 6+ kg in 2 months, can keep myself skinny, yet sad for maximum 3-4 months, because I will not allow myself to eat anything as I want to lose even more to keep some buffer weight, then get tired and surrender and then eat back all those lost pounds and even more within few weeks? Why can’t I lose weight if I decide that instead of starving myself instead, I will go on some new diet, but this gives no result, weight will not drop, I get frustrated and get back to purging out food or get back to bingeing? Why does this wheel go round, and round and my weight will keep fluctuating vigorously and never stabilizes? Who do I go from one extreme to another? I have punished and scolded myself for years. I have tried to search or reasons: perhaps my genes are messed up and I am forever destined to keep my intake at 500 calories, so I can keep myself in that sweet spot of underweight and normal weight (because that is the only acceptable weight range for me. Sick, isn’t it?)

And then I got my answer: it is not about me or my genes. It’s because of these diets, no matter how beautiful the creators have painted them. It’s because human body has not meant to follow absurd rules about eating, be it fasting, LCHF, keto, paleo, raw vegan, or even mindful eating (eat slow! Rate your hunger! It’s under 10? You are not about to collapse from hunger? Good, drink some lemon water instead. See? Another bunch of rules to stress your brain out).

Most people commute from one diet to another, follows the rules and counts the calories for few months and then a relapse enters. it always does. Then, you will buy another diet plan, which promises even better results. You will haul for absurdly expensive foods like nut butters, almond flour, coconut oil. You replace your favorite foods with some silly alternative. You Google why the hell do I have a massive craving for Chocolate, which of course is your forbidden food. Google tells you have a magnesium deficiency (which might actually be true you know), but the solution: eat 12 almonds and forget about the chocolate. Be honest, that answer frustrates you a bit, deep down. So, instead to go and buy the damn chocolate and make your brain shut up, you force the craving down because FORBIDDEN! But at some point, you still go, buy the chocolate, eat it, and then promise yourself that now you will not touch another piece of chocolate once in upcoming months, will also restrict your intake a few weeks and eat your almonds. And are miserable. And then you eat some more chocolate. And are miserable again. Round and round, it goes.

And you gain those 10 pounds back. WHY, for the love of god?

Simple: your body has no clue whatsoever anymore, what the hell is going on. Years and years, you have kept your body in an unnatural state of starving, famine. Dietary culture has taught us that in order to lose weight all nice, you need to keep yourself in a calorie deficit and this should be around 1200-1500 cals in a day, maximum calorie intake cannot be more than 2000. You count every bite, every mouthful, you write it all down to MyFitnessPal. You eat your food, but you still crave for something more and are already worried about your next meal: can I eat something soon? What can I eat for dinner? Dude, you JUST ate, and you SHOULD feel full. If you don’t, there is obviously a problem. If you are full and STILL want something, there is obviously a problem. And your body is screaming at you the only solution. You worry about food 85% of your day (for me it was 100%, yes, even when I was having sex. Just SPECTACULARLY awesome!)

Body is not stupid. Body now has been taught that no matter what, there is always a next diet and famine state around every corner all the time. Body is scared. Body listens to the brain which constantly repeats those endless rules about eating. No chocolate, no pizza, bread is bad, cheese is bad, ice cream?! Are you stupid? Only a mango sorbet, something sugar free and watery or even better: make your own ice cream from banana (but remember, only HALF A banana!). Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest and then you will go and buy 2 liters of ice cream and eat it all in one go. You will torture yourself afterwards because ice cream is forbidden. You cannot eat it; you need to restrict and go for a 20-k run.

Now comes the most sillies, but the most logical fact: in order to break the cycle, there is only one simple solution: EAT! Everything. A lot. Eat it all that you have craved for years and years and have vetoed. Eat your cravings. Eat even when you are not hungry. Just eat whenever you feel like it. Eat until you are absolutely 100% satisfied and say honestly: no more. This process can take weeks, months, even years, depending on the individual. People in the book describe how they needed three whole years to reprogram their body back to its natural cycle. And it is scary, boy it’s scary. But you just need to take the leap into the water full speed, no splashing with your toes a bit to test the water. The faster you jump, the faster you get the wheels running. Result? Body calms down. Brain can finally rest and reprogram itself back to the way it must be. No food is forbidden anymore (unless you have a severe nut allergy. Please do not eat nuts if you might actually die). The brain now knows that whenever it wants something, it can actually get it, no strings attached, and calms down.

Yes, your will gain weight, sorry, this is not all strawberries and cream (yum, now I want strawberries and cream, will get some for dinner). At first, your body will not trust you. Would you trust yourself if you have been treated miserably for years? It is certain that it’s a trick and another diet is just around the corner. It takes time for it to calm down and start functioning the way it was meant to be. Weight will go up until the body heals and then... it will stop, the weight will naturally balance out, probably even go back down between the weight set points that everyone has, depending on your body and personal physical factor. I know that my middle goldilocks zone is about 5-6 kg more than my absolute lowest weight (right now I am around 10 kg heavier than my all time lowest and it is still in between my weight set points) and I am now completely okay with that number.

And I have now practiced this approach for half a week. Day before yesterday I had some Hesburger (McDonalds basically; had a vegan burger with FRIES), yesterday I ordered myself a vegan pizza without a second thought, with vegan cheese and everything, the whole package. I have now eaten ice cream for 4 days straight (one of my biggest forbidden foods), some vegan desserts. And yesterday I had my first shocking moment. I bought myself another ice cream after the pizza and right after I had bought it, I realized, that I actually do not want it right now. I have no craving. I got home and threw it in the freezer. After my dinner of soup and grilled cheese (!!!), I decided that I am going to eat the ice cream now. I had eaten half of it when I felt that I don’t want it anymore. I still finished it as it was a really small cone, but it was clearly more than enough. The rest of the evening I had no more cravings at all, no hunger. I didn’t even think about food anymore. I just enjoyed the movie with my SO and Charlie. Usually after dinner I was already overthinking about my next meal that was obviously hours away in the morning as no food after 6 PM and I definitely want something as breakfast is so far away, and besides, I try to postpone breakfast anyway as much as possible because intermittent fasting 16 hours +, which made me especially cranky and created countless of mornings with fights and tears with my SO. But now... no cravings and hunger for the entire night. Today morning I woke up with stomach still full from last night. I did not think about foo. Few hours later I bought some oatmeal, carrots, and hummus – and not because it is super healthy, and I am not allowed to eat anything else. No. I actually had a massive craving for carrots and hummus and oatmeal. For lunch, we decided to take some local hand-made burgers. I ordered vegan burger, but as a naked version without buns. Once again, not because empty forbidden bread calorie, but because I actually wanted that hearty vegan patty to sit on a pile of fresh leafy greens, peppers, tomatoes, and cucumbers. My stomach was still quite full of carrot snacks and past dew days’ fast food. I had no inner battle about this with craving vs forbidden food. Nope, I actually did not want any bread or bun.

That was around 3 PM. And hours later I am still full. Back then I had a sever fear over next meal or even a desperate need for additional snack (a forbidden chocolate, ice cream or something similar), but nooo, forbidden, which made the craving and fear even worse.

I have not thought about food today anymore, except now that I write this.

I have gained weight, yes, and it scares me to the core, and I confessed this few days ago to my SO. He looked at me with surprised eyes and said that to be honest, he has not even noticed I have gained, he only realizes this when I have days with severe low self-esteem and when I try to hide my naked body. I think the gain is around 5-6 kg (over 10 pounds), which is not even that big of a deal. Of course, I see and know I have gained, because my clothes now fit kind of perfectly, some rare pieces are a bit tight (I’m in XS-S size, 4-6, and clothes used to be kind of baggy even. Girl, do you need more proof that you are NOT FAT?), my legs are not super-tight sticks with a thigh cap and my collar bones do not press out. I have now extra inches on my body and probably this is the most difficult thing to accept. Recently, I saw over years that the first weight number of 5 has turned into 6 (in kg), over night, which means it was probably water weight from weekend of drinking and salty foods, so this means the actual one is still few kg lower, but the fear is still very real and at that moment I realized that I am tired of crying over a pair of numbers. I am so done. On this day, I asked my partner to hide the scale so I would not now where it is. I went for my morning run and when I came back, I saw him grinning and the scale had disappeared.

On Saturday we went to a birthday party. There was a hot tab with out-doors transportable sauna. Everyone was wild from happiness, except me. I had my bikini with me but for few days already I had stressed out that I will not join the tub, I will not expose my fat body like that. But my friend suggested me to break down the stubbornness, overcome my fears and just do it. No one will judge me, nobody notices, nobody even cares. All those fears are demons in my head. At the party I was sure that I will not go. But then, at some point, I gave myself a mental kick on the butt and went for it. And I am not sorry. I had a blast! Didn’t seem like anyone was giving me looks from head to toes and judged me with their eyes ‘god she is fat!’

This week has been tough, but I now have so many small wins in my bag and overcoming several problems - something I thought I can never do. My motivation has skyrocketed. I could never believe that there might be a time where I am not thinking about food so obsessively. Of course, I know that this is just the beginning of my healing and a long way is to go. I do believe it takes months to amend the damage done in over 10 years.

One of my first fears when reading the book was: What if I eat myself to the absurd size of 400 lbs. seen in those scary reality shows. And my brain gave me the logical answer right away: those 400pound people are also mentally sick, obsessive over food. They have eaten themselves to the slaves of food from very early stage of their lives, being influenced by family, social environment and whatnot, but I am only in my early thirties and 80% of my life I have eaten well-balanced foods and been in the normal weight range, some years I struggled with slight overweight due to puberty and stress from massive changes in life, but this sorted itself out naturally as I got rid of the puberty hormones and stress, weight fluctuated minimally, until I hurled myself head first to the world of diets and eating disorders,

So, most definitely I cannot eat myself to a 400 lbs., it is not physically possible. Perhaps the most real case scenario would be me gaining to 65 kg +, which is coming close to small obesity, but even this is not highly possible as I see that when eating normally, I cannot fit that much food in me and when my metabolism actually heals, the weight should stabilize out and probably even go down a bit. That would actually be a dream: that it will stop going up AND DOWN. I really  want that mental and physical stability back.

I miss a normal life. I am in a seriously perfect relationship which has been really close on the edge of abyss because of my sickly behavior. I have gambled with so many good things in my life and almost lost it all. Enough, seriously. I have

[sarmsak]

Bite-sized overview of words for "church" and commentary

Kirche - German

From Middle High German kirche, from Old High German chirihha, an early borrowing from Ancient Greek κυριακόν (kuriakón).

Has the hard edge I think it should have. Lowkey sounds like somebody trying to speak while salivating when pronounced the Austrian way. Reminds me of all the classes we had on Martin Luther and his 99 theses and the times I was taken to church by my kindergarten teachers as an unaware kid.

Kilise - Turkish

From Greek εκκλησία (ekklisía).

Derived from Greek which is unsurprising considering that Istanbul was the heart of orthodox Christianity for centuries and they depended mostly on ancient Greek texts unlike their catholic counterparts. The Ottoman orthodox population also would explain it further. I’ve memories with this one. Reminds me of the white candles and echoing whispers in the Princes’ Islands churches. A neutral word in the realm of religious ones.

Église - French

From Middle French eglise, from Old French eglise, esglise, from Vulgar Latin eclesia, from Latin ecclēsia, from Ancient Greek ἐκκλησία (ekklēsía, “gathering”). Cognate with Catalan església, Italian chiesa, Portuguese igreja, Spanish iglesia.

The aforementioned sentiment but far colder and catholic. For some reason reminds me of that French university student who set himself on fire last year.

Eglaise/Cill - Irish Gaelic

From Old Irish eclais, from Latin ecclēsia, from Ancient Greek ἐκκλησία (ekklēsía).

The vibes are very foreign but I really love Gaeilge so that almost balances out my apprehension for the church. As far as I understand, cill is the old school version. I prefer the Ulster pronunciation for that one. Here’s an image from the dictionary I use:

I think the effects of the Catholic/Protestant conflicts in Ireland in Gaeilge needs its own post, so that’s for another time. Also, here’s an interesting fact.

When referring to a building, eaglais is usually used only of Roman Catholic churches in Ireland; Protestant churches are called teampall. But an Eaglais is ‘the Church’ as an institution regardless of denomination: the Anglican Church of Ireland is called Eaglais na hÉireann in Irish.

Church - English

From Middle English chirche, from Old English ċiriċe (“church”), from Proto-West Germanic kirikā, an early borrowing of Ancient Greek κυριακόν (kuriakón), neuter form of κυριακός (kuriakós, “belonging to the lord”), from κύριος (kúrios, “ruler, lord”), from Proto-Indo-European ḱewH- (“to swell, spread out, be strong, prevail”).

Absolutely horrible word, associated with everything bad likely because English is the lingua franca of today, makes me want to crawl out of my skin, gives me whiplash.

Ecclesia - Latin

Borrowed from Ancient Greek ἐκκλησία (ekklēsía).

Feels like I’m on a highway driving at 250 km/h towards a hurricane but everything is on mute. Also makes me think of the ballsack throne of the pope they have so they can check if he’s a guy or not.

εκκλησία (ekklisía) - Greek

From Ancient Greek ἐκκλησία (“assembly”).

I felt it’d only be fair to include Greek since it’s the mother of the word. No comments on this one.

Sources are in the notes

[sugarhoneyseok]

speak your heart, not your mind [01]

Pairing: bts x slytherin!reader

Genre: fluff, angst, hogwarts!au

Notes: this was originally a tom riddle ff lol, i also wrote this in one day instead of doing my break hw haha kms

When you first came to Hogwarts, you expected to learn about charms, hexes, curses, and jinxes. What you didn’t realize you would learn was jealousy, sorrow, and love -- and nobody told you that emotions could be more destructive than magic.

After tedious amounts of searching, you found an empty compartment. Most of the other compartments were full, or the people inside seemed to already know each other. Instead of trying to force a conversation -- you decided to let it happen naturally in order to avoid the awkward small talk. The only problem was that no one had taken the initiative to befriend you, which admittedly was something you didn’t have the right to complain about. A few kids had peered into your compartment, but none had approached you.

Ten minutes after you had settled in, you heard a soft knock on your compartment door. A rather handsome boy slid the door open and leaned in slightly. His black hair was slicked back, revealing a strong pair of eyebrows. Silver-rimmed glasses adorned his youthful face. A black tie was draped around his shoulders in a carefree way. He had a messy appearance, but seemed like a nice kid.

“Do you mind if I sit here?“ he asked, pointing at the empty seat across from you. “All of the other compartments are full.“

“Not at all.“ you said, moving aside your belongings to make room for him.

“Thanks, my name’s Jungkook.“ he said, shooting you a dazzlingly bright smile that could give Lockhart a run for his money.

He slid his trunk under his seat and placed a stack of brand new textbooks on the seat before sitting. In the midst of him organizing his things, you swore you saw something squirm in the left pocket of his robe; however, you didn’t spot any movement again, so you ignored it. Instead you shifted your focus to the flower fields outside. Little patches of lavender and dandelions grew alongside the tracks.

While you were busy staring at a lake through the window, a streak of brown flashed in the corner of your eyes. A tiny hedgehog dashed out of Jungkook’s pocket and hastily climbed up his left arm. The little rodent perched itself on his shoulder and screeched at you.

You raised your eyebrows in amusement. You’ve had people curse at you openly, but to have an animal screech at you was definitely a first. The only thing stopping you from hexing the poor creature was Jungkook. Jungkook noticed your reaction and laughed. He clearly found the whole situation hilarious.

“Don’t mind her, she’s harmless, she doesn’t bite I assure you,“ he chuckled, while stroking her head. “Her name is Peanut. My older brother named her that since he thinks her brain must be the size of a pea, so it just stuck.” snickered Jungkook.

“Are hedgehogs even allowed?” 

“I’d hope so, or she’s getting the boot.” he laughed.

Peanut squeaked as though she understood him, but he shushed her and placed her on his leg. He spoke incredibly fast, but you caught on quickly. You found that he made quite the good conversationalist and enjoyed speaking with him.

Apparently you got a little too cozy with Jungkook though, since his hedgehog kept squealing at you, causing you to lose focus on what he was saying. Jungkook insisted that Peanut was harmless and just throwing a temper tantrum, but you weren’t convinced. Her squeaking was also getting quite annoying, but you didn’t have the heart to tell him that. He sensed your irritation and coaxed her into a small cage before stowing her out of sight. There was a brief period of quiet before he spoke again. 

“First year at Hogwarts too, I suppose?“ asked Jungkook.

“Is it that obvious?“

“Your robes aren’t dyed with your house colors.“ Jungkook said, gesturing to your plain grey robes.

“Oh, right,“ you said, brushing some lint off of your skirt. You decided to ask him a question you should’ve asked sooner. “What house do you think you’ll be in?“

He crossed his arms in deep thought. “Hmm...I think I’ll be in Ravenclaw. Gryffindor would suit me too though.“

“Yeah, I can see that.“ you nodded. The traditional silver and blue house colors suited him well.

You looked him up and down and honestly, he did seem very much like a Ravenclaw. Ignoring the fact that he had a stack of books next to him, he just seemed like an all-around nerd, but in a nice way if that made sense. The glasses, whether they were real or not added a nice touch too.

You found that you didn’t mind his chattiness. His enthusiasm made things less awkward for the both of you as you got to know each other. He was certainly a bit of an oddball, but he made for good company.

A faint orange glow was beginning to sink below the horizon. By now, most of the kids in the other compartments had exhausted themselves with conversation and sweets, allowing you two to have a moment of peace.

For the past few hours, Jungkook had been spouting out random facts at you, but thankfully he had tired himself out. Candy wrappers lay strewn across the floor and you pitied the elf that had to clean it later. Jungkook slumped back into the red cushioned seats and sighed.

“We should almost be there I reckon,“ said Jungkook. “I’ll lose my mind if I have to sit here any longer.“

He popped what was left of a chocolate frog into his mouth and shoved the card into his pocket. Collecting chocolate frog cards was a hobby of his. He was fascinated with how they move or something along those lines. Earlier when the trolley witch passed by, he bought way more candy than he could eat, claiming that he was saving them for later. You insisted that they would go bad, but he shrugged and stuffed them in his trunk.

The train rumbled beneath you, occasionally making a creaking sound. Just as you felt as though you could have fallen asleep, Jungkook’s squeal woke you.

“I think I can see the castle up ahead! Look -- it’s on that hill!“ said Jungkook gleefully. He was so close to the window that his breath fogged up the glass.

The sun had completely sunk now, making it nearly impossible to see anything outside. You squinted out the window and sure enough, you could see the castle lights in the distance.

The chatter and bustle died as you approached the large oak doors. Professor McGonagall’s mouth was stretched into a thin line. She seemed tired, though who could blame her really when it was her job to deal with a bunch of nervous children. Her mere presence caused everyone to go silent.

She cleared her throat, drawing everyone’s attention to the top of the staircase.

“There are four houses,“ said Professor McGonagall. “Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin.“

Jungkook nudged you hard in the rib with his elbow when Ravenclaw was mentioned. You smiled weakly at him, wanting to get the Sorting Ceremony over with as fast as possible. You didn’t mind attention, but you didn’t like it either. Professor McGonagall continued rambling about some basic school rules that you couldn’t be bothered to listen to, so you directed your attention to the more exciting aspects of the school. 

You were most looking forward to Hogsmeade trips and big events like the Triwizard Tournament, which surprisingly hadn’t been cancelled yet. When you came to -- you realized that the ceremony was about to begin.

“Follow me.” said Professor McGonagall, while straightening her posture.

As if the doors had a mind of their own, they opened as soon as she turned around. McGonagall strode forward, leading all of the first-years behind her. The Great Hall was more beautiful than you had imagined on the train ride. Golden plates and goblets sparkled under the candlelight. The banners above the four long tables were dyed yellow and many candles hovered in the air. The most wonderful part was the ceiling though, which had been enchanted to reflect a starry night sky.

Jungkook clutched onto the sleeve of your robe, making sure that he wouldn’t be separated from you. You could feel him shaking a little as the other kids were called up to the front. At first you thought he was shaking from his nerves, but no, he was just clearly excited. He clapped and cheered for everyone with equal vigor, regardless of house.

Finally his name was called and he gave your hand a comforting squeeze before dashing to the front. He had the brightest smile on his face as he ran up to the stool. As soon as the Sorting Hat grazed the top of his head, without much thought, it shouted --

“Ravenclaw!“

You clapped loudly for him and watched in slight envy as he skipped over to his fellow Ravenclaws. You knew he would fit right in and make friends easily, unlike you; but envy wouldn’t get you anywhere in life, so you brushed it aside and thought happy thoughts.

Towards the end of the ceremony, your name was called. You approached the steps carefully and sat on the stool. The inside of your pockets were drenched in sweat that you had tried to wipe off your hands earlier. McGonagall placed the hat on your head and stepped aside.

As soon as the hat touched your head, it came to life.

“Well, well, well . . . I think the answer is obvious here,“ muttered the Sorting Hat. “Such ambition and cunning . . .“

“Better be . . . Slytherin!“

The Slytherins erupted in cheers and welcomed you with open arms. In the midst of the cheers, you saw Jungkook jumping up and down at the Ravenclaw table for you. People stared at him like he was a madman, but he couldn’t care less. You gave him a thumbs up and hopped off the stool.

As soon as you approached the Slytherin table, people moved aside to make room for you. Everyone jumped at the opportunity to introduce themselves to the newcomer. Many people shouted their names at you, causing you to lose track of who was who. You started to feel overwhelmed by all the attention when someone stood up next to you and spoke in a soft, yet commanding voice.

“Relax, the Sorting Ceremony is still happening. We’ll all have time to introduce ourselves later.“

You looked to your right to see who had spoken. When you saw who it was, your jaw nearly dropped.

He was so beautiful that it was eerie. His snow white hair stuck out in multiple directions like he had just rolled out of bed. The contrast of his glossy pink lips and his pale skin that seemed translucent made him look even more ethereal. His eyes were a light blue with golden flecks that carried a mischievous glint to them. His entire existence seemed so unreal.

He sat back down and turned to face you.

“Jimin, second-year,“ he said, extending a hand. “Feel free to ask me for anything.“

Your cheeks flushed a light pink under his gaze. He held a strange intensity to him that scared you, but somehow attracted you at the same time.

You shook his hand and noted how cold his skin felt. After exchanging greetings with you, he focused his attention back to the front.

A few more people were sorted after you, most of them being Gryffindors. A few of the Slytherins around you clicked their tongues, but you didn’t really care. House hating was childish in your opinion, although you did believe that Slytherin was the best.

When the ceremony concluded, the Headmaster stood up and said a few words.

“Welcome to Hogwarts! I’d just like to say a few things,” said the Headmaster, with a twinkle in his eye. “I’d like to congratulate the first-years on their acceptance! I hope that you learn many things here during your stay that may, or may not pertain to magic.”  And with that, he raised his goblet to conclude his speech and was met with loud cheers. As soon as he sat down, platters of piping hot food appeared in front of you. The scent of freshly baked bread, roast chicken, and gravy, stirred up your appetite.

Before you could eat though, the other Slytherins insisted on making a toast. Some people toasted to winning the House Cup, while you heard others mumbling things about quidditch to themselves. You shrugged and raised your goblet, toasting to a successful first year at Hogwarts.

“Let’s hope nothing crazy happens.“ you muttered to yourself before taking a sip of from your goblet.

[punkscowardschampions]

Grace & Janis

Grace: UGH Grace: tell me your secrets Grace: this boy will NOT take a hint 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: My secrets on repelling lads? Charming 😏 Grace: OMG I meant on getting people to leave you alone Grace: but if you do have any obvs Grace: 😂 Janis: Being real mean and telling 'em to fuck off usually works Janis: but not always case in point ☝ Grace: It's like he thinks it's a challenge now Grace: Like NO Janis: Love a challenge Janis: don't tell Mia Janis: do you not rate him at all or what? Grace: idk it's not that Grace: there's just TOO MUCH build up at this point Grace: he's highkey Janis: You reckon you ain't gonna meet expectation then, I get it Janis: just 'cos he wants it don't mean you gotta, you know Janis: can still get what you want out of it though Grace: if he tells everyone that I can't I'll have to kms Grace: boys talk too, remember? Janis: Yeah but who cares Grace: UM ME OBVS Grace: now he thinks I'm like playing hard to get Grace: not hard to want Janis: Just bite the bullet and do it then Janis: if it's shit you can blame him Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: oh please! who do I have in my corner rn? Grace: can't work the narrative on my own Grace: just tell me what to say so he'll FINALLY get the message Grace: like I'm too good for him or something Grace: you always do that Janis: Why not? Her word ain't law no matter what she reckons, you know Janis: Assumedly unless he's so un-you-type that he's a decent lad Janis: Who is he, does he go to our School Grace: he's from some posh school that Mia didn't get into Grace: but she knows him Grace: FOCUS Janis Janis: ew Janis: he's probably a snob anyway Janis: and it don't matter what he's chatting to his mates Janis: you're sure Mia isn't like Janis: setting you up here or Grace: OMG Grace: what if she is Grace: he's like WAY persistent Grace: 😱😱😱 Janis: Didn't wanna be that bitch but Janis: she is Janis: all the more reason to a. not fuck him b. have a good time and leave him wishing you would Grace: DUH Grace: but like I said expectations are soooooooooooooo OTT Grace: idk Janis: so? Janis: you can do it Janis: boys are easily impressed Janis: lbr Grace: what if he IS a snob tho!? Grace: 🤔🤔🤔 Janis: We're rich Janis: he don't need to know the specifics Janis: know how to behave, have to deal with Ri and Buster so Grace: true he's soooo Grace: ugh Grace: still, NEED to shop if this is happening Grace: this is what I mean, such an EVENT Grace: & if I'm not even gonna shag him LIKE 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: The amount of clothes you have Janis: really Grace: don't start Grace: do I have clothes to snare a posh boy?! Think not Grace: If I've worn it before I LITERALLY CAN'T Grace: I'm telling you he's EXTRA Grace: trying to impress here Janis: 🙄 Janis: Well let's not act like it's a hardship, any excuse to shop with you Janis: so go for it Grace: UM rude Janis: 😂 Come on Janis: you should have a share in Topshop at this point Grace: If I did I wouldn't need to impress any lads 💸💸💸 Janis: 'Course Janis: forgot you were in it for the 💰 Grace: Excuse you, not Ri Grace: wish she was here tho Janis: Sure she can spare time to facetime you if nowt else Grace: you'd think Grace: ugh Grace: this family, only around when you don't want them Grace: so typical Janis: Preaching to the choir Grace: did mum & dad catch barista boy the other night?? Grace: assuming not as you haven't died of shame Grace: sooooooooo cringe Janis: Don't think so Janis: Not that I was trying to sneak, just don't want them to chat to him Janis: or me, for that matter Grace: OMG dad would try & feed him Grace: LET IT GO Janis: Don't Janis: I have to have dinner with his family, and his Dad's girlfriend Grace: 😱😱😱 Grace: next level cringe Janis: Yeah Janis: idc about the kids they're cool but Grace: his little brother is sooooooooooo cute 😍😍 Grace: & not to be a bitch but better at art than your bf Janis: 😂 Janis: alright go on a date with him Grace: if I was 6 I would Janis: You weirdo Janis: 😏 Grace: whatever he's adorable shhh Grace: Asia's little brother is 👾 like actually soooooooo mean Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: Know the feeling, babe Grace: bitch don't be calling me out Grace: I'm so nice Janis: 😏 Janis: so self-centred, you know there's 10 of us Janis: could be talking about any one of yous Janis: talking 'bout you all, as it goes but Grace: you're the mean one 👌👌👌 Grace: are you still gonna help me with my OOTD or not? Janis: Never Janis: so shocking you would suggest that Janis: yeah, go on then Grace: don't be a bitch when I spam you with dressing room selfies Grace: the lighting is literally designed to make us wanna kill ourselves Janis: 🐸🍵 Janis: hot take Grace: 🐸 to 👸 🤞 Janis: Don't be tryna lips the sales assistant Janis: she don't get paid enough for that Grace: if I'm not getting any from my date Janis: 🙄 called that in the air Janis: no need to have that many sleepovers Grace: 😂 Grace: Mia obvs would have invited you babes if that was true Janis: 🤢 it's gross 'cos it's true Grace: should we throw her a coming out party or?? Grace: It is pride month Grace: before you know it Janis: 😂 Bitch I wish you would Grace: if I knew that was all it would take for you to like me Grace: 💔💔💔 Janis: What, dragging that bitch? No duh Janis: You been knew Grace: she's the only one who thinks being gay is a drag Grace: idk why even Grace: I'd love that, boys are the WORST Janis: 💔 Janis: The tragedy that is hetrosexuality Grace: I know, right? Grace: so unfair Grace: but like I'd just be worried that the girl is hotter than me the whole time anyway so Janis: 😂 Janis: Looks like you can't win, babe Grace: Truly Grace: [sends first potential outfit] Grace: 😱😱😱 LOOK at this! UGH I wanna die Janis: It isn't that bad, calm down Janis: the colour is a bit Janis: though, so yeah, keep looking Grace: No way this assistant is getting 💋 now thank you Grace: you're more help & that's Grace: just weird Janis: not working on commission Janis: though I should charge Grace: IOU Grace: whenever Janis: Whatever Janis: nbd Grace: I'm serious, not THAT much of a bitch Grace: [sends outfit option 2] Grace: OMG!! HOW ARE THEY GETTING WORSE! Grace: 🤢🤢🤢 Janis: Nah, don't even bother to hang that back up Janis: why are they selling that Grace: gonna have to be ✂ out & buy it anyway Grace: 😭😭😭 Grace: who it is for? cos I DON'T know her? Janis: Don't be stupid Janis: you're just flapping Janis: get your woman to help Grace: sure cos she's been sooooo helpful so far Grace: this is the worst day of my actual life Janis: 🙄 Janis: get your arse outta that and into something decent 'fore I have time to address that please Grace: [outfit 3 cos we know you ain't stuck bitch calm down] Janis: That's better Janis: it's a decent fit Janis: not slag short but you don't look like a nun either Grace: yeah but it needs to be 🔥 not just better than the worst this shop has to offer Grace: so what's bad about it? Grace: Gotta improve Janis: Not crazy about that Janis: idk what you'd call it Janis: but the frilly hem Janis: bit cutesy Grace: 👌👌👌 Grace: same Grace: not a mood Janis: Will they ever stop bringing the 90s back Janis: the real question Grace: IKR Grace: over it Grace: never was about it but like go off Grace: OMG he's sent me the place we're going, search it for me to check I won't get thrown out for looking like a slag Grace: [sends deets] Janis: Bit fancy for a usual teenage lad but nothing too pretentious you gonna get kicked out Janis: You can deal Grace: so like???!! Grace: [outfit 4] Janis: Grace, that isn't the right size Janis: it's 10x too big for you Grace: Are you even looking at the same picture as me?! Janis: Yes bitch Janis: it has potential but you need the size down at least Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: 👌 wait Grace: [take 2] Janis: Way better Janis: can actually see you have a body Grace: I s2g if you're trolling me rn Grace: I will kill you Janis: I ain't, that's how it's meant to look Janis: not 2 foot of extra material Grace: I don't wanna do this Grace: no offense Grace: not this specifically Grace: just ugh Janis: Why not Grace: idk I haven't been to the gym in FOREVER Grace: & none of this is working either Janis: so you feel shit Janis: what's a better way to feel better about yourself than having a boy all 😍 and Mia all 😡 Grace: but what if it goes wrong Grace: I haven't been on a date date for ages either Grace: & not to like Grace: wherever this is Grace: like excuse me while I load up a tutorial about which fork to use when 🙄🙄 Janis: It won't Janis: you're chatty, you're the nice one Janis: unless he's really boring or a dick then like Janis: that's on him Janis: if anyone is suited to dates, it's you Grace: Oh please Grace: anyone can be chatty & nice when they want a boy to get off with them at a party Grace: even you Janis: Yeah? Why didn't I then Janis: Massive virgin you reckon Grace: duh cos you don't want to Grace: waiting on your rom-com moment with barista boy obvs Janis: 😑 piss off Grace: it's not shade babes Grace: it's like the opposite Janis: It's you that likes rom-coms, not me Grace: everyone's jealous for a reason tho Grace: not saying I am cos EW Grace: kms Janis: Nice save Grace: OMG shut up Grace: you know what I mean Janis: Whatever Janis: not trying to make you jealous Grace: I'm just saying Grace: he's actually a decent boy & he likes you & knows how to treat you Grace: how often is that happening around here? Janis: not with the lads you like Janis: not all of 'em are cunts Grace: CAN YOU NOT Grace: so rude to me Janis: it's not, it's your taste Grace: OMG didn't open my mouth to be attacked Grace: thank you Janis: 🙄 calm down Grace: you first Grace: you're so mean literally ALL the time Janis: Not telling you exactly what you wanna hear isn't mean, Mia Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: whatever Grace: this was a bad idea Janis: You're so dramatic Grace: and? Grace: we've established you want me to change my entire personality Grace: get over it Janis: I don't give a shit Janis: I said you should Janis: then you wouldn't be 😭 all the time Grace: you have no idea Janis: Mhmm Janis: your struggle is so unique and complex Grace: no, but it's mine & you don't want any part in it so don't comment Janis: Nah Janis: I can do what I want Grace: yeah exactly Grace: it's so easy for you Janis: 🙄 Janis: sure Grace: I am Grace: I'd love not to care, babes Grace: such a mood Janis: then grow a pair and do it Grace: I can't Grace: I'm not you Janis: Not a requirement Grace: isn't it? Grace: if I put in as much effort or lack of as you, no boys would be falling in love with me Grace: trust Grace: they don't now Janis: you can't control other people, that's why Grace: I can't control what I look like either Janis: well you do so Janis: lie Grace: no I don't Grace: I have to be so extra to get anyone to pay attention to me Grace: you don't, you never would Janis: It's not a comparison to be made Janis: look at where you're looking to get attention from, like I said Grace: THAT'S the lie Grace: I'm compared to every sister we've got Grace: especially you Janis: and I'm not? Janis: People are dicks Grace: it just matters Grace: like it or not Grace: so I have to care about it Janis: Why Janis: you think you're gonna suddenly be hotter than Ri or a model like Billie 'cos you try Janis: that won't happen and people are still gonna chat Grace: so what I let myself be a 2 cos I can't be a 10? Grace: Like I wanna be alone forever Janis: People like what they like, you can't control it Janis: if you felt like a 10, it'd be irrelevant Grace: well I don't so it's not Janis: aren't you bored Grace: do you care? Janis: asked didn't I Grace: Like that means anything Grace: I asked you for help it doesn't mean it'll save my date disaster Janis: 🙄 Sod you then Grace: sure Janis: 👌 Grace: thanks for the help Grace: wasn't like a totally tragic attempt Janis: Like I care Janis: you try so hard you should have it figured out by now Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: Bye then Janis: have fun on your date Grace: I'll try Grace: obvs Janis: Got to stay true to type Grace: exactly Janis: go with the last one you tried on Janis: welcome Grace: The search continues Grace: stopping at like 4 lacklustre outfits? UM NO Janis: yeah how crazy not to waste another 4 hours having emotional breakdowns in a changing room Grace: how crazy to bother going on this date at all if I'm not bringing it Grace: bitch please Janis: so pick 4 Grace: it's not good enough Grace: need a jaw dropping moment duh Janis: 🙄 Grace: I don't need anymore help don't do yourself an injury Janis: yeah you do Janis: call one of your friend Grace: No I don't Grace: rude bitch Janis: found an outfit then? no Grace: I can do it Grace: I'm not that tragic Janis: 👌 Grace: such 🔥 advice from you, babes Grace: that's the secret Janis: You said it yourself, I don't need to try Janis: boohoo Grace: duh why I asked Grace: if I was gonna ask my friends I could just ask myself Grace: 🙄🙄 Janis: Well you ain't listening and apparently can't 'cos you ain't me so how did you think it'd work Grace: I am listening I'm just choosing to ignore you Grace: cos I don't trust you Janis: well then why waste both our time asking Grace: IDK Grace: I thought maybe you'd hold off being a judgey bitch for long enough Janis: Oh fuck off Janis: You're literally asking for judgment Janis: and I gave it you Grace: of the clothes not EVERYTHING else Grace: I feel bad enough thank you Janis: I haven't said shit Janis: it's you Grace: you're always shading me Grace: check back in with yourself & this convo Grace: not even passive aggressive just aggressive Janis: I said you had shit taste in men and friends, which is true Janis: and that's all I've said so jog on Grace: no, you're making fun of me for trying when I literally told you I have to Janis: No, I'm not Janis: you're saying how hard it is so I'm telling you to not Janis: ask why that bothers you so much Grace: if it wasn't hard I wouldn't have to, would I? Grace: I'd just be walking around #effortless like you Grace: you acting like crying in a dressing room is such a big joke bothers me Janis: You can, literally you are the only person stopping yourself Janis: If being you is harder than all this effort then you've got bigger problems than what dress to wear on this date Grace: I'm aware Grace: but one thing at a time, hun Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: Priorities, Grace Grace: oh excuse me Grace: I'll just put everything on hold while I address being me 👌👌 Janis: well bitch Janis: what is your excuse Janis: just do it before you're 40 your midlife crisis would be tragic Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: best advice yet obvs Grace: maybe you should charge, babes Janis: That's the plan Janis: you owe me, remember Grace: & you're taking it in 💸 yeah? weird flex but sure Janis: what else have you got Janis: don't look enough alike I can force you to go to this dinner so Grace: You could literally make me do ANYTHING & that's what you're going with? Grace: Having a bf has obvs changed you Grace: real tragedy Janis: Clearly not as mean as you reckon Janis: gutted Grace: for you, you had being a savage going for you at least Janis: Mhmm Janis: one moment I'm #effortless the next I've got nowt Janis: give it up, kid Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: didn't say that Grace: also am literally older than you, bitch Janis: what are you saying Janis: you don't make no sense, babe Grace: your looks are effortless, your personality needs work Grace: but nothing is going too far Grace: you're got an IOU Grace: & the barista whose speech you're stealing now like Janis: Go me Janis: 👏 Grace: mhmmm Janis: Poor Gracie Janis: enough cafes about, do a crawl, get you your own Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: & I'm not listening to you, sure Grace: that'll solve all my problems rn thanks so much Grace: I don't wanna go on the date I agreed to Janis: Only 'cos you're nervous Janis: you aren't sworn off of dick are you Grace: you told me not to shag him Grace: so not the point Janis: You aren't on a ban Janis: just not him in case Mia is scheming Grace: you don't know what self imposed rules I'm living by Janis: 😂 Really Grace: Better story than nobody being interested Grace: schemes aside Janis: 🙄 come off it Grace: Oh sorry are you not living for my honesty Janis: you said it, anyone can get lads to get off with them Janis: so that ain't what you want either Grace: I also told you it's been ages Grace: & never said that's what I want anyway Janis: well you ain't forgot, like Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: what it's like to have an actual boyfriend maybe Janis: maybe Janis: like he's maybe several squirrels in a boy suit Grace: You're so weird Grace: what am I meant to do with that Janis: Says you Janis: You've had boyfriends, ain't you, like, what do you mean Grace: not really Janis: ? Grace: I've had boys Grace: sometimes they wanna get off with me more than once Grace: I'm not going to family dinners Grace: I'm not even #official Janis: Oh Janis: Okay Janis: well I'm just going to this dinner to piss off his Dad so like Janis: but I don't know Janis: it's Janis: nice Grace: Well you'll be amazing at that Grace: what's his dad's thing? Grace: why he so idk Janis: 👍🖕 cheers, bitch Janis: He don't like me but he's just a moody twat in general Grace: you should play the race card at dinner Grace: that'll really get to him Janis: 😂 Janis: Probably ain't looked at me long enough to notice Grace: it'll make him uncomfortable anyway Grace: I get comments on my vids all the time Janis: Idk why you keep doing it Grace: obvs Grace: you don't know anything about me Janis: 🙄 Janis: it wasn't a read Janis: I'm just saying Janis: all the trolling you get Grace: I'm just saying Grace: It's a fact Grace: we don't know each other Grace: another reason I asked for your help before, duh Janis: How's that make sense Grace: what do you even mean? Janis: How'd you reckon I could help you if I don't know you, is what I mean Grace: cos I'm not trying to be myself Grace: so you don't need to Grace: get in, make him want me, get out Grace: but not the real me, just whoever he wants me to be Grace: or thinks I am already whatever Janis: It would help if I knew him, or you did Janis: not all boys like one look Janis: contrary to what you might think Grace: I know enough Grace: & I know the kind of boys Mia is 'friends' with Grace: I'm not as stupid as you think Janis: then why do you need my help Janis: Jesus Grace: I didn't need it Grace: I just wanted it Grace: like I said, I've got no backup Janis: have you tried on any more or what Janis: what are you even doing Grace: I'm in a different shop Grace: excuse you Janis: Oh God Janis: Are you gonna be this unbearable if I come find you? Grace: I can go harder, bitch Grace: Is this a test? Grace: this one's got more potential Grace: so not sorry Janis: Shut up, do you want me to come or nah Grace: not really Grace: can't mute you in person Janis: Fuck you then Grace: Like you said, I feel shit Grace: do I need you adding to it? 🤔 Janis: I was coming to help 'cos I felt sorry for you but literally get to fuck Grace: yeah your pity is really gonna help Grace: I'd rather die Janis: FYI then, you're coming on strong with the sobstory Janis: not a mood Grace: thanks Janis: 👋 Grace: 💋 Grace: [later] Grace: my phone's dying tell mum & dad where I am so they don't get extra Janis: Alright Janis: another IOU though Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: whatever Grace: I've got money so Grace: haven't shopped THAT hard Janis: Nah Janis: like I ain't gonna rise to the challenge Janis: HATE to disappoint Grace: awkward considering how often you do it Grace: but sure Janis: Whatever you say 😏 Grace: Mia's still walking around being THAT bitch so yeah Grace: disappointed™️ Janis: sounds a bit like you want me to murder her...? Grace: 😂 Grace: better idea Grace: come with me Janis: Twin murder Janis: someone's got to have beat us to that 👯 Grace: UM HELLO!? I'm being serious Grace: come on the date with me & she'll die Janis: 🤔 Janis: Hmm Grace: you know I'm right Grace: you don't even have to have a good time as long as the #s say you do Grace: not like I'm seeing this boy again you can literally leave after pics Janis: Yeah, alright Janis: I'll ask Jim, as long as he ain't busy then why not Grace: yay! Grace: 👌👌👌 Grace: persuade him babes Janis: Sometimes he has to look after his sibs it's not that easy but I'm asking Grace: tell him I'll take a shift Grace: I'm an amazing babysitter Janis: dope, you gotta come on your own date 😂 Grace: I mean as an IOU like Grace: so you two can go on one that you actually wanna Grace: 💖💖 Janis: I'll throw that out too Janis: Yeah, he'll do it Grace: OMG Grace: yay Grace: wear something she'll hate Janis: Know I said it weren't that posh but reckon trackies are a no-go Janis: but she hates everything I do so not hard still Grace: duh just look 🔥🔥🔥 Grace: she thinks you can't Janis: Yeah right Janis: 👌🍆 Janis: established Grace: don't be borrowing any of my clothes to do it bitch, I saw that! Janis: Don't worry, I won't 😂 Grace: HOW DARE Grace: that dress was in reach of you for a reason Grace: not like it's my fave Janis: Should hope not Janis: it got the job done Grace: I'm not wearing it on the date so chill Grace: or like EVER now you have Janis: 🙄 Janis: I'm not diseased Grace: bitch you 'grammed it Grace: do you wanna share clothes with me? I think not Janis: Technically I didn't Janis: 🤷 Grace: It's still there Grace: we aren't 6, not a mood Janis: 💔 Janis: Turn it into curtains then Janis: switch it up Grace: You're so weird Grace: not that kind of youtuber thanks Janis: like you've not seen the sound of music Grace: Indie & Ri made me Grace: 🙄 Janis: 👌 you loved it Grace: shut up Grace: I did not Grace: soooooooooo cringe Janis: you loved any time they'd let you hang Grace: glad my phone's about to die if you're going back to being a bitch Janis: oh hush Janis: got the place, give us the time then Grace: be there at 8 Grace: we don't need to go together Janis: would feel a bit ganged up on Janis: poor lad Janis: you can have drinks first, I know to be fashionably late Grace: thank god Grace: I'll need them Grace: he's so Janis: so? Grace: ugh idk so MUCH Grace: the ego is like Grace: I can't Janis: sounds like a keeper Janis: whatever Janis: had worse night's out for less, yeah? Grace: IKR Grace: 🙄 whatever I'm focused Grace: he thinks I'm gonna be all 😍😍😍 that'll be you boy Janis: 👍 Janis: exactly Grace: OMG what should I drink? Drunk is not the mood Janis: Yeah, go easy Janis: just like rose or some shit Grace: champagne 'cause he's rich Grace: it doesn't taste nice so Grace: not gonna be wild Janis: as long as there's water at the table Janis: so dry Grace: & as long as he's paying Grace: no way I am Grace: sorry about it ladies but this isn't a typical date night Janis: 😶 Janis: secret's safe with me Grace: tell the barista Grace: if anything's on the 'gram that ruins me I'm gonna murder him Janis: 😂 Janis: don't get your bad side, got it Grace: girl please, for that night only I don't have one Janis: That's the attitude Janis: if he's paying got more funds to go all out Grace: I hope it's not actually too expensive if you have to Grace: Mia's not worth THAT much Janis: Nah, I checked Janis: he's not going that hard Grace: Phew Grace: last thing I need is his entitlement 🙄 Janis: Obvs Daddy's spends aren't going that far Grace: how embarrassing Janis: all sorted then? Grace: sure Janis: in a bit then Grace: 😘

[roswellroamer]

Nata Lodge to Tuuthebe Lodge, Letlhakane, Botswana. 320km. 5/2/19.

Today was a very memorable day. I rode so hard literally the wheel came off my bike! But first, I woke in the "foreigners" chalet rooming with my Aussie mates Andy & Jim. Great place with both toilet and shower placed in separate but outside rooms. Very nicely appointed with some sliding glass and screen doors out onto the back deck. The whole lodge had loads of sand around and after getting out of my kit the previous afternoon, I was barefoot the whole previous day as it felt like being at the beach. At least until you try to ride a motorcycle through it! Made to order breakfast at 7AM kitted up and I also need to mention that we had a bush baby looking over us last night at dinner. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galago 👀

We met some more Americans and some part time Americans who live 3 months out of the year in Cape Town. We were planning to make it today to the Makgadikgadi salt pan today. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Makgadikgadi_Pan

The tar road route there was about 400km but Gavin had scouted a path with the GPS and some locals, I don't think I can call it a road though it was, to cut the distance and to challenge the group to a bit of sand and exploration across Botswana. The first 40km or so were manageable for me. Not one vehicle seen all day on this path. There was some sand and some rutted river crossings (dry riverbed) and detours but we all made it. Apparently one of the rocks must've pinched the tire and tube pretty hard because during one stretch I could feel my front wheel not tracking as well and started to gear it making sound as it dies when losing air. So fortunate I was that within about a km or so the group stopped. By now my tire was properly flat. Gavin unstrapped his tools and he and Baz went to work. Within twenty minutes my tube was replaced. Very impressive. So my early comment 👆 about the wheel coming off may have been a bit misleading. But now with the wheel back on and tire inflated we continued along dirt, rock, sand, dry river beds, cows and fencing. Lots of elephant dung and trampled fences due to their presence but we saw none. A few hills and some wide open spaces. I hit one river crossing particularly hard and wasn't standing. I just find it tough to stand when my brain is telling me I am in imminent danger of being hurled from the bike... To this point I thought I was gonna lose it a couple times when I would lose the track through a deep rut and get tossed violently. The bike is really fantastic when you are confident enough to accelerate through so many obstacles. Massive holes, sand, huge bumps, etc. At this one spot, where I hit hard I immediately felt pain. I don't know what I did but I felt it the rest of the day and needed to stand more to keep it from hurting which was better for my riding technique. Now at the end of the day it has subsided and I suspect just a muscle strain. Phew. For the rest of this group with more off road experience they really enjoy this technical stuff. Most of the unpaved stuff is and has been fun for me. However the other 5% has been unnerving. I feel as if I have survived those stretches by will, and acceleration and by sheer good fortune. Two more guys laid it down in the sand today. 5 of the 7 bikes have been down. After that painful river hit I had to go even slower. One after another I would reach a technical river crossing and just shake my head. You can't stop to really dissect the terrain since your momentum is key to carrying you through the ever changing challenge of where your tires are gonna track. So in you go. Twist the throttle and pray that the seemingly 30° arcs both wheels are taking independently from each other don't cause you to do a tank slapper. After 50km we came to a flat area that didn't look too bad from afar. But the tracks had washed out and been replaced with lots of loose sand. I must admit I was swearing to myself a bit as I was tossed side to side unexpectedly through this section. Then I noticed 6 bikes on top of the next hill about a half km ahead. Both feet out pretending to my brain that it might help me from wrecking even though it would prolly only cause a fractured leg if serious calamity had arisen. I plodded through the thick stuff. Venturing far left of where the road was supposed to be at times. But I wobbled my way through with plenty of close calls and scaled the last hill to the welcome cheers of the group. I did feel good I hadn't laid it down as the guys said it was tough and technical to a man. But I don't feel I am mastering deep sand at all and I'm just feeling my mortality when I get in it. The last 15 km or so to the tar was fortunately not nearly as technical and we hit the tar aiming for Orapa. We had our second chat of the day with a veterinary guard who came over to talk with us and wish us a nice journey since we opted to stop just past her post. The other one was really personable (early in the day right where we started the dirt/sand road after leaving Nata) and was after us for conversation and sweets. 🍬

The next stop was at a crossroad. Right was towards the Makgadikgadi pan with the massive alluvial diamond mine looming a mile or so ahead of us. As a side note at one of these mines near here just 3 days ago the worlds second largest diamond was just discovered! 1761 carats. 💎 We needed fuel since it was about 70km each way to and from the pan, so we went left and maybe 10km into Letlhakane. First traffic we have seen in a while. Not a lot of cars, but a stop sign and everyone turning in somewhere and just slow. We got gas and for the fourth day in a row (at least) grabbed a bite at the gas station. There just are no decent places to stop for lunch. I grabbed an egg salad and tomato sandwich and some sort of green tea drink. This trip to the pan was always a question mark. Not much of a road to it. Perfect time of year to visit it as it is and has been dry. Like Bonneville, you could ride anywhere on the salt and there are some islands (as these flats fill with water in the rainy season) with big rocks and baobab trees. We waited about twenty minutes or so for the bakkie to meet us as they were restocking in town. After that we ran out of tar after maybe 20km of the 70 to the salt. We had to ask some folks how to go since it seemed most sandy trails were on someone's property last Kubu station. After about 2 km more the sand got deep. I really didn't think it was a good idea to try and make it. I stopped and took a pic of the sand. I told the guys in the bakkie that I was turning around. We set a place to meet back at the same crossroad and I slogged my way for a bit before finding some firmer sand then soon after on the tar. I was doing some reflection today. The deep stuff was over my head, at least figuratively. It is a fine line between adrenaline and fear when pushing yourself in unfamiliar areas and surfaces. I decided I didn't want to risk the rest of my ride to try and make it to the pan. I was just organizing my thoughts to pen this post thinking I would have at least a couple hours when I thought I heard a bike. Yep. Barry then the rest of the crew showed up not 15' behind me. They had reached a similar conclusion due to depth of sand and length of daylight since it was already pushing 4PM.

We rolled straight to the Tuuthebe lodge and were pleasantly surprised by the size and quality of our rooms. The guys had bought stuff for a braai and we had a great night outside with John grilling up sausages, ribs, and chicken. We also had baked beans and potato salad and plenty of beer. I streamed some decent music on Sean's Bluetooth speaker and the icing on the cake was when our neighbor Seabi who works for a diamond mine got down on one knee and proposed to his girlfriend Atlang. She said yes! 💍 And it's time for me to say goodnight. Well after midnight. 😴 Baz' word of the day is strafdop. It is a punishment drink required to be bought by the person that screws something up.

[modlisznik]

a few thoughts about Detroit

 ...because I just finished and have somewhat mixed feelings I need to get in order. in points, so it won't be a Wall Of Text.

SPOILERS! (obviously)

what I liked:

Connor (duh). I wouldn't mind if his parts were cut out and made into separate game. It'd be a better game. It shows that Cage feels the buddy cop vibe, both Connor and Hank were fleshed out, interesting and likeable. I mean, they were both made of cliches, obviously, but their story was a police movie story, no Serious Shit TM involved

 I wonder, what part of this comes from the actors who played them; both Clancy Brown and Bryan Dechart did a great job

also I think that the investigations made the fullest use of having the android as your protag. I loved these parts - the crime scenes, questioning, reconstructions - it was fresh, fun and interesting. It really gave me the feelings that Connor can do things that human policeman couldn't - it made sense to use an android for telling this kind of story

 also, Connor is adorable (duh)

 the mission of hijacking the broadcast was pretty nice, fast-paced; it gave GTA V vibe, and I'm saying this as a compliment

 Sumo was nice, obviously

 timers. I usually hate timers in games with the passion of thousand burning suns (I'm looking at you, optional challenges in AC II), but here game gives us just enough time to feel the pressure, but without making these parts too difficult or unfair; it's all nicely balanced

 the sheer numbers of possibilities. Whatever else I'm about to say about the quality of the writing, the scope of the script is truly impressive-

some locations are really nice. I especially liked, again, the broadcast tower

Now what I didn't like:

 there's close to none really interesting characters here, apart from protags. Even Alice has no personality of her own; she's just an Innocent Little Girl. There are no people here, just tropes

predictability. Most of the plot-twists and big revelations one can see from 100 km away. You meet a bitter woman unwilling to speak about her past? Wasn't she possibly a sex worker before? Bam! Obviously. Fugitives are on a bout, about to cross a river and reach Canada, and are speaking about their plans for the future? Oh geez, do I see a death flags raised? Yep, they die soon after. Rinse and repeat

 the dialogues. The amount of cringe is unbelievable. If David Cage wants you to know that a person is bad, he'll make them speak in such cartoonishly evil ways that you'll want to bite your gamepad in half. The bad cop at the beginning? He's mean, and he's making faces at you, and he's also ready to torture a suspect, because he's eeeevil, nioh nioh nioh. And he pales in comparison with the FBI guy, who's so evil he seriously should wear a black cape and turn into a blue blood-sucking vampire, who also hates kids and puppies. We don't want you to feel confused about who's a good guy here, player

speaking of which - the protesters harassing Marcus at the beginning. Shadow have mercy, the scene was so cringe-worthy I nearly died of a secon-hand embarassement at the thought that David Cage wrote this and decided it's good

same with Leo taunting Marcus by calling him a pussy. SERIOUSLY. You're calling him a piece of plastic yourself, man, why are you trying to provoke him by offend his non-existent masculinity?

speaking of which - David, my buddy, my man, don't do this. Stop. Think. How are your androids even working? They have the same physical capabilities as humans of the same size; they aren't stronger nor faster and they stop working in 0C (!!!). The only advantage is that they don't get tired and are water-resistant. David, my man, your androids are shit. Nobody would want a robot like that. Why Kara, a housekeeper, isn't strong enough to tear that wooden plank off the door? You're telling me that my cool robot assistant would need my help to lift up my washing machine? 

also, how come that Marcus knows how to fight? He was a personal assistant, not a soldier. He should have an advanced medical software, to help his ill employer, not some kung-fu shit. And if it's a common feature of androids (David, my man, why would it be?), that why Kara can't fight shit?

 also, if banging their head on the desk is enough to kill an android, then how's that medical-shaman lady at Jericho even functions, having her whole head empty? David?

 why Connor bends in half from getting punched in the stomach? Connor - you don't feel pain, you just said this yourself. You have no stomach inside, nor diaphragm. Do your androids have the same reflexes as humans, David? Can they be kicked in the balls?

 I just thought about this - Marcus needed a flashlight in Jericho. Your androids needs an additional source of light in the dark. My smartphone is more technologically advanced, David. Your androids are shit

 David. My dude. Why your androids are sexual. Why everyone's assuming North is Marcus girlfriend. Why the game made me unable to opt-out from this nonsense

 David. You creep. You slimy fool. Two lesbian sex-workers, running out of the brothel in their undies and high heels? After killing an abusive client? I see what you did here. You're not progressive nor thought-provoking, you're exploitative

 David. For fuck sake. Locking Kara in the basement, in a bdsm-looking machine designed to made her a slave? I see what you did here. You're disgusting. I was livid playing that part and want to never repeat this again

David. My man. Breathe. Think. The scene with the female android in the Kamski's house. Why. How. What were you thinking. I cannot even find the words to express how cheap, corny and pathetic that was. Grow up, David. Srsl. Grow up

speaking of Kamski - holy shot, did I wanted to punch him in his stupid face. Cringe is strong with this one

 I checked out the survey in the Extras; one of the questions was "which choice was most difficult for you to make: 1) choose between a revolution or a peaceful protest as Marcus, 2) choose to shoot the female android at Kamski's or not as Connor, 3) accept Alice as an android or not as Kara. Hmmmm... looks like one of this things is not like the others. Why Alice being an android is supposed to be a problem?

Ok, I think I vented enough. I think I'm disappointed of how cheap, unimaginative and sometimes downright insulting the writing in this game is. I'd really wish for a Connor Only Edition of Detroit to happen, so I wouldn't have to deal with the rest of this nonsense anymore.

(and I didn't even touched the "what it means "being alive" in the world of Detroit". and I won't)

But hey, I actually finished this game! It means it wasn't so bad, right?

[wumblr]

All of the allegorical chapter intros from Warped Passages

Entryway Passages: Demystifying Dimensions

“Ike, I’m not so sure about this story I’m writing. I’m considering adding more dimensions. What do you think of that idea?

“Athena, your big brother knows very little about fixing stories. But odds are it won’t hurt to add new dimensions. Do you plan to add new characters, or flesh out your current ones some more?”

“Neither; that’s not what I meant. I plan to introduce new dimensions--as in new dimensions of space.”

“You’re kidding, right? You’re going to write about alternative realities--like places where people have alternative spiritual experiences or where they go when they die, or when they have near-death experiences?* I didn’t think you went in for that sort of thing.”

“Come on, Ike. You know I don’t. I’m talking about different spatial dimensions--not different spiritual planes!”

“But how can different spatial dimensions change anything? Why would using paper with different dimensions--11″ x 8″ instead of 12″ x 9″, for example--make any difference at all?”

“Stop teasing. That’s not what I’m talking about either. I’m really planning to introduce new dimensions of space, just like the dimensions we see, but along entirely new directions.”

“Dimensions we don’t see? I thought three dimensions is all there are.”

“Hang on, Ike. We’ll soon see about that.”

*Questions I’ve actually been asked.

Restricted Passages: Rolled-up Extra Dimensions

Athena awoke with a start. The previous day she had read Alice in Wonderland and Flatland in order to seek some inspiration about dimensions. But that night she had the strangest dream, which, when fully conscious, she recognized as the result of having read the two books on the same day.*

Athena dreamed she had turned into Alice, slipped into a rabbit hole, and met the resident Rabbit, who had pushed her out into an unfamiliar world. Athena had thought it a rather rude way to convey a guest. Even so, she had eagerly looked forward to the upcoming adventure in Wonderland.

Athena was in for a disappointment, however. The resident Rabbit, who was fond of puns, had sent her instead to OneDLand, a strange, not so wonderful, one-dimensional world. Athena looked around--or, I should say, to her left and right--and discovered that all she could see were two points--one to her left and another to her right (but in a prettier color, she thought).

In OneDLand, all the one-dimensional people with their one-dimensional possessions were lined up along this single dimension like long, thin beads strung out along a thread. But even with her limited purview, Athena knew there must be more to OneDLand than met her eyes because of the outrageous din that met her ears. A Red Queen was well hidden behind a dot, but Athena couldn’t miss her strident yells: “This is the most ridiculous chess game I have ever seen! I can’t move any pieces, not even to castle!” Athena was relieved when she realized her one-dimensional existence shielded her from the wrath of the Red Queen.

But Athena’s cozy universe did not last long. Slipping through a gap in ONeDLand, she returned to the dreamworld’s rabbit hole, which had an elevator that could take her to hypothetical, other dimensional universes. Almost immediately, the Rabbit announced, “Next stop: TwoDLand--a two-dimensional world.” Athena didn’t think “TwoDLand” a very nice name, but she cautiously entered all the same.

Athena needn’t have been so hesitant. Almost everything in TwoDLand looked the same as in OneDLand. SHe did notice one difference--a vial labeled “Drink me.” Bored with one dimension, Athena promptly obeyed. She quickly shrank to a tiny size, and as she became smaller, a second dimension came into view. This second dimension was not very big--it was wrapped around in a fairly small circle. Her surroundings now resembled the surface of an extremely long tube. A Dodo was racing around the circular dimension, but he wanted to stop. So he kindly offered Athena, who looked rather hungry, some cake.

When Athena ate a morsel of the Dodo’s dreamcake, she started to grow. After only a few bites (she was quite sure of this, as she was still rather hungry), the cake very nearly disappeared; all that remained was a very tiny crumb. At least Athena thought there was a crumb, but she could see it only when she squinted very hard. And the cake wasn’t the only thing that had vanished from view: when Athena returned to her usual size, the entire second dimension had disappeared.

She thought to herself, “TwoDLand is very yodd indeed. I’d best be getting home.” Her return journey was not without further adventures, but those will be kept for another time.

*Or perhaps this story is a result of my having begun my education at the perhaps questionably named Lewis Carroll School, P.S. 179, in Queens. 

Exclusive Passages: Branes, Braneworlds, and the Bulk

Unlike the studious Athena, Ike rarely read any books. He generally preferred playing with games, gadgets, and cars. But Ike hated driving in Boston, where the drivers were reckless, the roads were badly signposted, and the highways were invariably under construction. Ike always ended up stuck in traffic, which he found especially frustrating when he could see a nearly empty freeway overhead. Though the empty road would be tempting, Ike would have no way to quickly reach it since, unlike Athena’s owls*, he couldn’t fly. For Ike trapped on slow roads in Boston, the third dimension was no use at all. 

[*nb: owls are mentioned in the chapter body:]

When you peg someone as one-dimensional, you actually have something rather specific in mind: you mean that the person only has a single interest. For example, Sam, who does nothing but sit at home watching sports, can be described with just one piece of information. If you felt so inclined, you could picture this information with a one-dimensional graph: Sam’s proclivity to watch sports, for example. In drawing this graph you need to specify your units so that someone else can udnerstand what the distance along this single axis means, such as the number of hours Sam spends per week watching sports on TV. (Fortunately, Sam won’t be insulted by this example; he is not among the multidimensional readers of this book.)

When we describe most people, however, we usually assign them more than one, or even three, characteristics. Athena is an eleven-year-old who reads avidly, excels at math, keeps abreast of current events, and raises pet owls. You might want to plot this too (though why, exactly, I’m not really sure). In that case, Athena would have to be plotted a s point in a five-dimensional space with axes corresponding to age, number of books read per week, average math test score, number of minutes spent reading the newspaper per day, and nubmer of owls she owns. However, I’m having trouble drawing such a graph.

“Hey, Athena, is that Casablanca you’re watching?”

“Sure is. Want to join me? This is such a great scene.”

You must remember this, A kiss is just a kiss, A sigh is just a sigh, The fundamental things apply as time goes by.

“Hang on, Ike. Don’t you think that last line’s a little weird? It’s supposed to be so romantic, but it almost sounds as if it’s about physics.”

“Athena, if you think that’s strange, you’ve got to hear the opening verse of the original:”

This day and age we’re living in, Give cause for apprehension, With speed and new invention, And things like fourth dimension, Yet we get a trifle weary, With Mr. Einstein’s theory...

“Ike, you don’t really expect me to believe that, do you? Next thing I know you’ll tell me Rick and Ilsa escape into the seventh dimension! Why don’t we forget I ever said anything and just sit back and watch the movie?”

[nb: actually true]

Relativity: The Evolution of Einstein’s Gravity

Icarus (Ike) Rushmore II couldn’t wait to show Dieter his new Porsche. But as proud as he was of his car, he was even more excited about his Global Positioning System (GPS) that he had recently designed and installed himself.

Ike wanted to impress Dieter, so he convinced his friend to drive with him to the local track. They got in the car, Ike programmed in their destination, and the two of them set off. But to Ike’s chagrin, they ended up in the wrong place--the GPS system didn’t work nearly as well as he had thought it would. Dieter’s first thought was that Ike must have made some ridiculous error, like confusing meters and feet. But Ike didn’t believe he could have made such a stupid mistake, and he bet Dieter that wasn’t the problem.

The next day, Ike and Dieter did some troubleshooting. But to their dismay, when they went for a drive, the GPS was even worse than before. Ike and Dieter searched again for the problem and finally, after a frustrating week, Dieter had an epiphany. He did a quick calculation and made the startling discovery that without accounting for general relativity, the GPS system would build up errors at the rate of more than 10 km per day. Ike didn’t think his Porsche was fast enough to warrant relativistic calculations, but Dieter explained that the GPS signals--not the car--travel at the speed of light. Dieter modified the software to account for the changing gravitational field the GPS signals had to pass through. .Ike’s system then worked as well as the readily available commercial variety. Relieved, Ike and Dieter began to plan a road trip.

Quantum Mechanics: Principled Uncertainty, the Principal Uncertainties, and the Uncertainty Principle

Ike wondered whether Athena was making him watch too many movies or Dieter was talking too much about physics. But whatever the reason, the previous night Ike dreamed he met a quantum detective. Dressed in a fedora, a trench coat, and with a stone-faced expression, the dream detective spoke:

“I knew nothing about her except her name, and that she was standing there before me. But from the moment I set eyes on her I knew Electra* would be trouble. When I asked her where she came from, she refused to say. The room had two entrances, and she must have come through one. But Electra whispered hoarsely, ‘Mister, forget it. I’ll never tell you which.’

“Although I saw that she was shaking, I tried to pin this lady down. But Electra paced frenetically when I started to approach. She begged me to come no closer. Seeing she was agitated, I kept away. I was no stranger to uncertainty, but this time it had me beat. It looked like uncertainty was going to stick around here for a while.”

*The name refers to the electron, not the character in Greek mythology.

The Standard Model of Particle Physics: Matter’s Most Basic Known Structure

Of all the stories she had read, Athena was most thoroughly perplexed by Hans Christian Andersen’s “The Princess and the Pea.” The story tells of a Prince who searched unsuccessfully for a suitable princess to wed. After he had searched in vain for weeks, a potential princess arrived by chance at his palace, seeking shelter from a storm. This soggy visitor thereby became the unwitting subject of the Queen’s litmus test for princesses.

The Queen prepared a bed, which she piled high with mattresses and eiderdown quilts. At the very bottom of the pile she placed a solitary pea. That night, she showed her visitor to the carefully prepared guest room. The next morning, the princess (as indeed she proved herself to be) complained that she had not been able to sleep at all. She had tossed and turned the whole night, and found she had actually turned black and blue--all because of the uncomfortable pea. The Queen and Prince were convinced that their visitor was truly of royal blood, for who else could be so delicate?

Athena turned the story round and round in her head. She thought it fairly ridiculous, even the most sensitive of princesses, would ever have discovered the pea by lying passively on top of the pile of mattresses. After many days’ deliberation, Athena found a plausible interpretation, which she rushed to tell her brother.

She rejected the common interpretation that the princess proved her royal nature by demonstrating delicacy and refinement with her sensitivity to even something as minor as a pea under a pile of mattresses. She offered an alternative explanation.

Athena suggested that when the Queen went away and left the princess alone in the room, the princess threw decorum to the wind and gave vent to her boisterous youthful nature. The princess ran around and jumped up and down on her bed until she was exhausted, and only then lay down to try to sleep. Through her rambunctiousness, the princess compressed the mattresses so much that for a brief moment the pea stuck out like a sore thumb and gave her a small bruise. Athena thought this princess was still rather impressive, but found her revisionist interpretation much more satisfactory.

Experimental Interlude: Verifying the Standard Model

Ike once again dreamed he met the quantum detective. This time, the sleuth knew what he was after--and he had a pretty good idea where it should be. All he had to do was wait--sooner or later, if he wasn’t mistaken, his quarry would appear.

Symmetry: The Essential Organizing Principle

Athena uncaged three of her owls and let them fly around. Unfortunately for Ike, he had left the top of his convertible down that day and the curious owls flew right in. The most mischievous of the owls pecked at the car’s interior and ended up tearing it a little.

When Ike saw the damage, he stormed into Athena’s room and demanded that she watch her owls more carefully in the future. Athena protested that her owls were almost all well-behaved and she need only keep an eye on the bad one. But by that time the owls were back in their cages, and neither Ike nor Athena could identify which one was guilty.

The Origin of Elementary Particle Masses: Spontaneous Symmetry Breaking and the Higgs Mechanism

The stricter enforcement of speed limits made long-distance driving a nightmare for Icarus III. He longed to race as fast as he pleased, but police pulled him over nearly every half-mile. The cops never bothered with dull, neutral cars, but harassed only the lively, turbo-charged vehicles, like his own.

Ike resigned himself to driving only short distances, since that way he could avoid the police altogether. Within the half-mile-wide region around where he started, police never interfered and he could always drive impressively fast. Though the Porsche engine’s force was unknown outside his neighborhood, closer to home it became legendary.

Scaling and Grand Unification: Relating Interactions at Different Lengths and Energies

Athena often felt like she was the last to be told anything interesting. She didn’t even hear about Ike’s adventures with his car until after he had owned it for over a month. And she didn’t learn them from him directly--she learned about them from a friend of hers who had heard about them from Dieter’s cousin’s brother, who had learned about them from Dieter’s cousin, who had heard about them from Dieter.

Through this indirect route, Athena was told Ike’s remark, “The influence of forces depends on where you are.” Ike’s uncharacteristic pronouncement completely mystified Athena until she realized that the message must have been distorted along the way. After thinking about it for a while, she decided that Ike’s real remark must have been, “The performance of Porsches depends on the model of the car.”

The Hierarchy Problem: The Only Effective Trickle-Down Theory

Ike Rushmore III came to an ignominious end when he drove his resplendent new Porsche into a lamppost.  He was nonetheless happy in Heaven, where he could play games all the time. He was a gambling man at heart.

One day, God Himself invited Ike to a rather strange game. God told him to write down a sixteen-digit number. God would roll the heavenly isocahedral die. Unlike a normal, cubic die with six sides, this die had twenty sides, with the digits 0 through 9 written twice. God explained that He would throw this die sixteen times and construct a sixteen-digit number by listing the results, one after the other. If God and Ike came up with the same enormous number--that is, if all the digits matched in the correct order--God would win. If the numbers weren’t exactly the same--that is, if any of the digits failed to match--Ike would defeat God.

God began to roll. The first side that came up was the number 4. This agreed with the first digit of Ike’s number, which was 4,715,031,495,526,312. Ike was surprised when God rolled correctly, since the odds were only one in ten. Nevertheless, he was pretty sure the second or third number would be wrong; the odds of God’s rolling both numbers correctly in succession was only one in a hundred.

God threw the first die for a second and then a third time. He rolled a 7 and then a 1, which were also correct. He kept rolling until, to Ike’s astonishment, He had rolled all sixteen digits correctly. The chances of this happening randomly were only 1 in 10,000,000,000,000,000. How could God have won?

Ike was a bit angry (one can’t get very angry in Heaven) and asked how something so ridiculously unlikely could have happened. God sagely replied, “I am the only one who could expect to win, since I am both omniscient and omnipotent. Howeer, you must have heard, I do not like to play dice.”

And with that, GAMBLING FORBIDDEN was posted on a cloud. Ike was furious (of course, only a little). Not only had he lost the game, but he’d also lost the right to gamble.

Supersymmetry: A Leap Beyond the Standard Model

When Icarus first arrived in Heaven, he was directed to an orientation seminar where the authorities explained the local rules. To his surprise, he learned that right-wing religious groups were essentially correct, and family values were indeed a cornerstone of his new environment. The authorities had long ago established and traditional family structure premised on the separation of generations and the stability of marriages; a top would always marry a bottom, a charmer would always align with a strange bird, and an uptown girl would always marry a downtown cool cat. Everyone, including Ike, was satisfied with the arrangement.

But Ike later learned that the social structure in Heaven had not always been so secure. Originally, dangerous energetic infiltrators had threatened the hierarchical foundation of society. In Heaven, however, most problems can be solved. God had sent everyone a personal guardian angel, and the angels and their charges had heroically worked together to avert the threat to the hierarchy and preserve the ordered society that Ike could now enjoy.

Even so, Heaven was not entirely safe. The angels turned out to be free agents, with no contract binding them to a single generation. The fickle angels, who had so bravely rescued the hierarchy, now threatened to destroy Heaven’s family values. Ike was appalled. Despite Heaven’s well-advertised attractions, he was finding it a surprisingly stressful place.

Allegro (Ma Non Troppo) Passage for Strings

Fast forward a millennium.

Icarus Rushmore XLII was trying out his new Alicxvr Device, Model 6.3, that he had recently purchased from the Spacernet. (Icarus III’s interest in speed and gadgets had apparently been passed down through many generations.) The Alicxvr was designed to let the user view things of any size, from the very small to the very large. Ike was pretty sure that most of his friends who had purchased the Alicxvr Device would first try the large settings, of many megaparsecs, so they could see into outer space beyond the known universe. But Ike thought, “I know just as little about what is happening at extremely tiny distances,” and decided to investigate a miniscule scale instead.

However, Ike was an impatient sort. He couldn’t be bothered to read the extensive instruction manual accompanying his device and instead decided to plunge right in. Blithely ignoring the red indicator overlapping the smallest sizes, he adjusted his dial to the 10 -33 cm setting and pressed the button labeled “Go.”

To his horror, he found himself space-sick in a wildly oscilllating, precipitous landscape filled with strings. Space was no longer the smooth, anonymous background he was accustomed to. Instead it was jiggling rapidly in places, heading into pointy sections in others, or wandering off into loops that pinched off or later rejoined the surface. Ike fumbled desperately for the “Stop” button and only just managed to press it in time to return to normal with his senses intact.

After recovering his stability, Ike decided he probably should have read the manual after all. He turned to the “Warning” section and read: “Your new Alicxvr Device Model 6.3 works only for sizes larger than 10 -33 cm. We have not yet incorporated the latest string theory developments, whose predictions physicist and mathematicians connected to the physical world only last year.”

Ike was very disappointed when he realized that only the newer Model 7.0 included the latest results. But Ike then caught up with the most recent string theory developments, souped up his Alicxvr, and never got space-sick again.

Supporting Passages: Brane Development

Ike Rushmore XLII decided to dive down once again to the miniscule Planck scale. Happily, his souped-up Alicxvr worked perfectly and he smoothly arrived in a ten-dimensional universe filled with strings. Eager to explore his new environment, Ike cranked up the hyperdrive attachment he had purchased from Gbay. He watched with fascination as strings collided and tangled in mesmerizing ways.

Although Ike worried that the Alicxvr might break down, he was curious to learn more about this novel world. So he increased the pressure on the hyperdrive lever. At first strings collided together even more frequently. But when he cranked up the lever still more, he entered a new, completely unrecognizable environment. Ike couldn’t even tell whether spacetime was intact. But he kept cranking up the hyperdrive, and, strangely enough, emerged unscathed.*

However, his surroundings were now quite different. Ike was no longer in the ten-dimensional universe he had started off in. He was instead in an eleven-dimensional universe filled with particles and branes. And, odd as it seemed, nothing in this new universe interacted very much. When Ike looked back at his controls, he discovered the hyperdrive lever had mysteriously reset to low. Confused and rather exasperated, Ike cranked up the lever once again, only to find himself back where he started. When Ike checked thee controls, he discovered that the hyperdrive lever was once again back at low.

Ike thought his Alicxvr was probably malfunctioning. But when he checked his up-to-date manual he discovered that his device was operating perfectly--high hyperdrive in ten-dimensional string theory was the same as low hyperdrive in an alternate eleven-dimensional world. And vice versa.

The manual didn’t say what should happen when the hyperdrive wasn’t very low or very high, so Ike entered the spacernet and put himself on the wait-list for an improved version that would solve the problem. But the Alicxvr designers promised only that the release date would be some time within the millennium.

*Actually, according to the duality we learn about in this chapter, even the probes used to study a given version of string theory change character when the coupling becomes strong. So if Ike really was part of the string world, he, too, would change.

Bustling Passages: Braneworlds

Icarus III was becoming increasingly disillusioned with Heaven. He had expected it to be a liberal, forgiving environment. But instead, gambling was prohibited, metal silverware was forbidden, and smoking was no longer allowed. The most restrictive constraint of all was that Heaven was stuck on a Heavenbrane; its residents were forbidden to travel into the fifth dimension.

Everyone on the Heavenbrane knew about the fifth dimension and the existence of other branes. In fact, the righteous Heavenbraners often whispered about the unsavory characters sequestered on a Jailbrane not too far away. However, the Jailbraners couldn’t hear any of the slander that Heavenbraners spread about them, so all remained peaceful in the bulk and on the branes.

Sparsely Populated Passages: Multiverses and Sequestering

Despite its explicit prohibition on the Heavenbrane, Icarus III ultimately returned to gambling. After ignoring repeated reprimands, he was sentenced to confinement on the Jailbrane, a distant brane separated from the Heavenbrane along a fifth dimension. Even after he was sequestered on the Jailbrane, Ike doggedly tried to contact his former buddies. But the distance between their two branes made communication difficult. He was reduced to flagging down passing bulk mail carriers, many of whom ignored his entreaties altogether. The few who did stop always conveyed his messages to the Heavenbrane, but at a frustratingly leisurely pace.

Meanwhile, back on the Heavenbrane, disaster loomed. The guardian angels, who had so bravely rescued the hierarchy, had no respect for the other residents’ family values and were on the verge of creating intergenerational instability. Heaven’s fallen angels considered all pairings acceptable and encouraged everyone to mix with a trophy partner from another generation.

When Ike learned of the threat, he was aghast and he resolved to redeem the situation. Ike realized that by using the slow and deliberate manner with which he was constrained to communicate with the Heavenbrane, he could judiciously feed the massive egos of the unruly angels living there. Thanks to Ike’s helpful intervention, the angels stopped threatening the social order. Although Icarus III still had to serve his sentence, the relieved residents on the Heavenbrane honored him forevermore in urban myth.

Leaky Passages: Fingerprints of Extra Dimensions

Athena had to admit that she missed Ike. Even though she had often found him annoying, she was pretty lonely without him. She was looking forward to spending time with K. Square, an exchange student who was planning to visit. But she was appalled by the closed-mindedness of her neighbors, who were all apprehensive about K. Square’s arrival. It didn’t matter that he spoke the same language and behaved the same way as everyone else. In the current climate, K. Square’s foreign origin alone was enough to make them wary.

When Athena asked her neighbors why they were so anxious, they replied “What if he sends for his heavier relatives? What if they’re not so well behaved as he is and stick to their foreign laws? And when they all arrive together, what will happen then?”

Unfortunately, Athena heightened their suspicions by telling them that K. Square and his relatives couldn’t possibly stay long in any case, since they were all very unstable and the K. Square family could visit only during the commotion of energetic gatherings. Recognizing her unfortunate choice of words, Athena reassuringly added that the foreigners would stick to local laws during their brief and exciting visits. Convinced, her neighbors then joined her in welcoming the K. Square clan.

Voluminous Passages: Large Extra Dimensions

Now that K. Square’s visit was over, Athena spent a lot of time at the local Internet cafe. She was exhilarated by her recent discovery of some mysterious new websites, the most intriguing of which was xxx.socloseandyetsofar.al. Athena suspected that these suggestive sites were a consequence of the recent AOB (America On Brane)/Spacetime Warner multimedia merger, but she had to go home before she had time to investigate.

When Athena arrived at her house she rushed to her computer, where she once again sought the exotic hyperlinks that had been so readily accessible at the Internet cafe. To her frustration, however, CyberNanny prevented her from reaching the forbidden dimensionally enhanced sites.* But by cloaking her identity with her secure alias, Mentor, Athena vanquished her cybercensor and succeeded in finally returning to the mysterious hyperlinks.

Athena secretly hoped that K. Square had sent her a message that was hidden in a webpage. But the sites were not easy to understand, and she managed to pick up only a few potentially meaningful signals. She resolved to study their content some more and hoped the merger--unlike the other merger with a similar name--would last long enough for her to figure them out.

*Physicists post their papers on a website that begins with “xxx”: check out xxx.lanl.gov. Internet filters have occasionally forbidden access to this site as well.

Warped Passage: A Solution to the Hierarchy Problem

Athena awoke with a start. She had just revisited her recurring dream, which had again begun with her entering the dreamworld’s rabbit hole. In this episode, when the Rabbit announced, “Next stop, TwoDLand,” Athena ignored him and waited to hear the choices that remained.

At the three-spatial-dimensional stop, the Rabbit announced “If you lived here, you’d be home by now.” But he refused to open the doors, despite Athena’s pleas that she did indeed live there and very much wanted to return home.

At the next stop, uniformed six-dimensioners tried to enter. But the Rabbit took one look at their inordinately large girth and abruptly closed the doors, saying that they couldn’t possibly fit. They quickly departed once the Rabbit threatened to cut them down to size.*

The elevator continued on its extraordinary journey. When it stopped again, the Rabbit announced, “Warped Geometry--a five-dimensional world.”** He gently pushed Athena towards the door, advising her, “Enter the funhouse mirror--it will take you home.”

Since the Rabbit had mentioned a fifth dimension, Athena found this highly unlikely. But she didn’t have any choice but to enter and hope the tricky Rabbit was right.

*As we saw in Chapter 18, extra dimensions can be uniform, large, and flat. The Rabbit is skeptical about this idea. **This counting includes a dimension of time.

The Warped Annontated “Alice” ¹

Athena stepped out of the dreamworld’s elevator into the warped five-dimensional world and was astonished to see only three spatial dimensions. Was the Rabbit playing games, pretending to take her to a world with four spatial dimensions when in fact there were only three? What a funny way to travel to what looked like an ordinary world!²

With great gallantry, a local received the puzzled new arrival. “Welcome to Branesville,³  our glorious capital. Permit me to show you around.” Athena, who was tired and confused, blurted out, “Branesville doesn’t look all that special. Even the mayor looks completely normal,” although she had to confess, she wasn’t entirely sure as she had never seen a mayor before.

The mayor to whom Athena referred had arrived accompanied by the Cheshire Fat Cat, his Chief Advisor. The Cat’s job was keeping tabs on everything in the city, which was greatly facilitated by his skill at catching people unawares--especially surprising in lgith of the Cat’s enormous bulk. The Cat loved to explain that he owed this skill to his ability to disappear into the bulk, but no one ever understood what he meant.⁴

The Cat materialized next to Athena and asked if she would like to accompany him as he made his rounds. He warned her tha she had better be comfortable ith bulk, to which Athena eagerly responded that her favorite uncle was in fact very, very fat. The Cat looked skeptical, but agreed to take her along. He offered Athena cream cake with butter frosting, in which she happily indulged. And off they went.

Athena wondered what it was she’d eaten. She now appeared to be on a four-dimensional slice of a five-dimensional world, and as far as she could tell, she was no thicker than this thin four-dimensional slice. She exclaimed, “I am like my paper doll! But whereas Dolly has two spatial dimensions in a three-dimensional world, I have three spatial dimensions in a four-dimensional world.

The Cat grinned sagely and explained, “You are now conscious of what I like to call The Bulk. You are still in Branesville, but will be leaving (and growing) momentarily. Branesville is in reality part of a five-dimensional universe, but the fifth dimension is warped so discreetly that Branesville residents are completely unaware of its existence. They have no idea that Branesville is the border of a five-dimensional state. You too mistakenly concluded on your arrival that there are only three spatial dimensions. The new Athena, untethered from the brane, is free to travel out into the fifth dimension. May I suggest for our destination another village called Weakbrane, at the other edge of the five-dimensional universe?”

What a strange five-dimensional journey it turned out to be. After leaving Branesville, Athena found herself moving in another dimension, and growing as she did so.⁵  When the observant Cat noticed the confused look on Athena’s face, he reassuringly explained, “Weakbrane is close by and we will be there very soon.⁶ It’s lovely, but don’t be alarmed when you see that, like the Branesville residents you encountered, Weakbrane residents scoff at the notion of four spatial dimensions. You, who can see out into the bulk, will see a huge shadow on Branesville, ten million billion times bigger than the one with which you started. Almost everything else will seem to you and to them to be entirely normal.”

But upon her arrival in Weakbrane, Athena noticed one other thing. The four-dimensional graviton had quietly accompanied the travelers on their journey and was softly tapping on her shoulder. He touched her so extremely gently that she had barely noticed.⁷

But she couldnt’ ignore the graviton when he launched into a litany of complaints. “Weakbrane would be so exciting, were it not for the superior influence of the entrenched hierarchy. The strong, weak, and electromagnetic armed forces on the Weakbrane permit me only the most feeble strength.” The graviton whined how everywhere else he was a force to be reckoned with, especially in Branesville, which is ruled by an oligarchy with comparably strong forces.⁸  Weakbrane, where gravity was the most suppressed, was the graviton’s least favorite place.⁹ The graviton turned to Athena in hope of enlisting her in his plan to wrest power from the reigning authorities.

Athena thought she had better leave immediately and looked around for the rabbit hole, but couldn’t find it. She did find a white rabbit, whom she expected to be an efficient guide. But the Weakbrane rabbit had an alarmingly sluggish gait, and kept repeating how happy he was that his date would wait.¹⁰ Athena realized that this rabbit wasn’t going anywhere, so she found a more anxious rabbit she could follow, and worked her way back home. Once she understood the physics implications, Athena enjoyed her dream enormously--though it should be noted that she never again ate cream cake.

¹ This title borrows from Martin Gardner’s delightful Annotated Alice, in which he explains the wordplay, math riddles, and references in Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland. ² The brane itself is large and flat and has only three spatial dimensions. Only gravity makes contact with the additional dimension. Remember that the five-dimensional space has four spatial dimensions (and one of time), whereas the brane has three spatial dimensions. I’ll still call time the fourth dimension, and I’ll call the additional dimension the fifth. ³ Branesville is the Gravitybrane. ⁴ The Fat Cat, unlike Branesville residents, is not confined to the brane. ⁵ Everything is bigger and lighter near the Weakbrane. Athena’s shadow over Branesville grew as she got closer to the Weakbrane and further away from the Gravitybrane. ⁶ The fifth dimension does not have to be very big in order to solve the hierarchy problem. ⁷ Gravity is feeble on the Weakbrane, where the graviton’s probability function is so small. ⁸ On the Gravitybrane, gravity is no weaker than the other forces. ⁹ The petulant graviton is complaining that on the Weakbrane, gravity is much weaker than the electromagnetic, weak, and strong forces. Gravity would be much stronger (and have a strength closer to that of the other forces) closer to the Gravitybrane. ¹⁰ Things are bigger and time is slower on the Weakbrane.  The rabbit’s laxness is accounted for by rescaling time. 

Profound Passage: An Infinite Extra Dimension

Athena woke up with a start. Her recurring dream had once again taken her down the rabbit hole. This time, however, she asked the rabbit to take her straight back to the warped five-dimensional world. Athena arrived back in Branesville (or so she thought). The Cat soon appeared, and she eagerly turned to him, anticipating her dream cake and a delightful excursion to the Weakbrane. She was sorely disappointed when the Cat told her there was no such thing as Weakbrane in this particular universe.*

Athena didn’t believe the Cat and thought there must be another brane further away. Proud of herself for understanding how, in the warped geometry, further-away branes had weaker gravity, she decided it was probably called the “Meekbrane” and asked the Cat whether she could go there.

But once again she was in for a disappointment. The Cat explained, “There is no such place. You are on the Brane; there are no others.”

“Curiouser and curiouser, thought Athena. This clearly wasn’t exactly the same space as before, since it had only a single brane. But Athena wasn’t ready to give up. “May I see for myself that there is no other brane?” she asked in her sweetest tone.

The Cat strongly advised her against it, warning, “Four-dimensional gravity on the brane is no guarantee of four-dimensional gravity in the bulk. Once I nearly lost everything but my smile there.”

Athena was a cautious girl, despite her many adventures, and she took the Cat’s warning to heart. But she often wondered what the Cat meant. What did lie beyond the Brane, and how would she ever know?

*The geomery of this chapter is warped, as in the previous ones, but now there is only a single brane--the Gravitybrane. Although this means that there is an infinite fifth dimension, this chapter will show why this is perfectly fine with the warped spacetime. 

A Reflective and Expansive Passage

Ike XLII as ready to live large. He wanted to test the Alicxvr’s ultra-high settings of many megaparsecs, with which he could explore places beyond the Galaxy and the known universe and experience distant regions no one had ever seen before.

So he was thrilled when the Alicxvr took him to distances 9, 12, and 13 billion light-years away. But his excitement diminished when he tried to go farther and his signal strength fell precipitously. When he aimed for 15 billion years, his exploration aborted completely: he no longer received any information at all. Instead, he heard, “Message 5B73: The Horizon customer you are trying to reach is beyond your calling area. If you need assistance, please contact your local long-distance operator.”

Ike couldnt’ believe his ears. It was the thirty-first century, yet his Horizon service still provided only limited coverage. When Ike tried to contact the operator, a recording said, “Please stay on the brane. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.” Ike suspected that the operator would never respond, and was wise enough not to wait.

Extra Dimensions: Are You In or Are You Out?

Athena’s dreams about OneDLand, branes, and five dimensions were passed down for generations. When Ike XLII heard them, he wanted to check whether there was any truth to her stories. So he took out his Alicxvr and went down to a very small scale--not so small that strings would appear, but sufficiently small to check whether there was a fifth dimension. The Alicxvr answered Ike’s question by sending him off to a five-dimensional world.

But Ike was not completely satisfied. He remembered the bizarre things that had happened earlier on when he had fooled around with the hyperdrive option. So he once again cranked up the hyperdrive lever--and once again, everything changed drastically. Ike couldn’t identify a single familiar point. He could tell only one thing: the fifth dimension had disappeared.

Ike was mystified, so he searched the spacernet to see what it could tell him about “dimensions.” He waded through numerous sites that he recognized from his more embarassing spam, but soon realized that he’d have to refine his search. When he still couldn’t find anything definitive, he conceded that he wouldn’t know the fundamental origin of dimensions any time soon. So he decided to turn his attention to time travel instead.

(In)Conclusion

Icarus Rushmore XLII used his time machine to visit the past and warn Icarus III of the disaster that awaited him should he continue driving his Porsche. Ike III was so astounded by his visitor from the future that he heeded Ike XLII’s warning. He traded in his Porsche for a Fiat and subsequently led a full, contented, and slower-paced life.

Athena was ecstatic to be reunited with her brother, and Dieter was happy to see his friend, though both of them were confused since it seemed as if Ike had never left. Athena and Dieter realized that the time travel that Ike reported to them was pure fiction. Even in dreams, the Cat never looped through time, the Rabbit never reached a stop with extra time dimensions, and the quantum detective refused to contemplate such odd behavior of time. But Athena and Dieter preferred happy endings. So they suspended disbelief and accepted Ike’s fantastic story all the same.