#Guess thats almost like not wanting to live | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

eerna · 3 days ago

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i was one of the people who saw the early leaks post and i remember trying not to read too much of it but i had a moment of being like wow this cant be real but also it definitely could be. i remember reading about the damn caitvi sex scene and i thought to myself thats so ass why would they do it in a prison and then i realized the writers probably thought it was some meaningful parallel or something about vi being able to transform being imprisoned with something good

then the act dropped and i saw the damn parallels with cait finding her in the cell and i was like ok yeah. they basically had that as an idea. amanda overton was talking about it in a watch party and said they love their parallels and it was meant to symbolize vi addressing her trauma and im like. i see what they were going for and i get it I GUESS narratively but i really feel like this is such monkeys paw shit like we got this scene at what cost. and like the scene ITSELF was very good and sweet and lovely but like could it not have happened ANYWHERE ELSE?

i feel like the biggest problem with arcane s2 was that the creators rlly wanted to push the bar with animation storytelling. amanda talked about this too and like i feel like it kind of highlights the problem. where bc this show is so amazing graphically the animators wanna highlight that with as much action as possible instead of focusing on smaller scenes and more intimate quiet moments. i watched arcane s1 all at once after it came out and there were def parts that felt a little rushed in certain acts but it was nothing like s2. it just feels like they had all these story beats they wanted to hit but didnt give it the time it deserved and it sucks bc they said they always meant it to be 2 seasons so like why does it feel like this. they wrote them back to back around the same time what happened between s1 and s2. i just feel like the caitvi sex scene is a microcosm of the larger problem. they had these emotional beats and story moments that in isolation are really powerful but its almost like we didnt get a proper A to B transition. its like we skipped several steps for sooo many story beats.

such complex characters with real ass lives causing real ass problems. cait's privilege being an issue, how gratifying that could be to have explored. viktor's experience being explored more in depth. just so much more about zaun. like all of it was there in tiny slivers but it was never given the depth to GROW or properly BREATHE bc five million action scenes and plot points had to be squeezed in.

ultimately i love arcane overall. i think it has broken boundaries and done some amazing things. but its blemishes are really... painful at the same time. and knowing how the writers did such a good job in s1 makes me just like. cmon guys. you had it. YOU HAD IT

anyways sorry for blowing up your ask with so much rambling i just... idk. what are your thoughts on this stuff do you agree with my assessment or do you think the culprit is something else

No prob, welcome to the symposium~ Yeah, I totally get what the writers were going for with Vi. Which is why I am so shocked they thought it was a good idea. Like, okay, she is addressing her trauma in the sex scene... But why should her trauma get addressed by being locked in a jail cell by her sister, who just spent days being wrongfully imprisoned in there by the girl she's about to have sex with, and who then told her she was gonna off herself. If anything, the thing I was feeling was pain because it happened again, a Zaunite was thrown in jail by the Enforcers after she helped and saved them without any rights, and she was reminded she was less than them and her life is worth nothing... Mmmmm, the perfect memory to overwrite prison abuse!

I too felt s1 had some strange pacing choices, Vi and Jayce teamup comes to mind first, and that was, surprise surprise, a fight scene. But those were pretty minor, and still left time for other scenes to develop properly. It only becomes a real problem when it happens scene after scene, character after character, until no one is acting in character and you constantly feel like you have skipped a scene or two. I too remmeber them saying they wrote the seasons back to back, but. Dare I say it. I think s2 was so majorly rewritten by the time it went to recording that only the bare bones remained. In fact, that might be why we feel this way - maybe they DID have a frame they wanted to follow, but the rewrites warped and twisted the characters so intensely they ended up making no sense in the context of that frame. That's right, I'm talking about the way they decided to more closely follow and collaborate with LoL in s2. Jayce's final speech to Viktor only makes sense for game Viktor, and goes completely against s1 Viktor. Vi deciding police brutality doesn't really matter all that much makes sense for game Vi, and foes completely against s1 Vi. Jinx giving up on ever being loved or accepted by others makes sense for game Jinx, and goes completely against s1 Jinx.

So yeah my thesis is: Arcane knows it looks good, and sometimes it prevents it from being well written. It also decided to throw in its lot with LoL in s2, and no amount of good intentions from the writers could have saved it from crashing and burning.

#eernask #eernanon #eernask talk arcane #arcane spoilers

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xxplastic-cubexx · 5 days ago

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Honestly your tags are so fun to read every time, i'm almost more excited for them than the actual post (but not entirely because your art is SO GOOD!!!! i adore it). If you don't mind me asking, what are you studying?

i am studying psychology because i refuse to see a therapist so ill figure out whats wrong with me myself !!!!!!!

#snap chats #WITH. a minor in human resources ☝️ because im evil or something #and whatever character/s i decide to fixate on for the next three years i will also psychoanalyze them I Guess. //loud coughing//#tbh i only saw a therapist to get medicine but since bloodwork is expensive without insurance i dont even do that anymore. sad !#but yeah im a certified rambler if i dont share every thought i have so people understand me as much as i want them to ill die #which is why charles xavier if youre out there you have full rights to my brain .......... //gross wink sound//#why cant telepaths be real itd make my life so much easier. i woudnt have to talk a mile a minute anymore #because i do talk very fast because growing up my mom would cut me off a lot #so now i talk fast in fear of being cut off without all my thoughts being heard. anyways.#thank you for also enjoying my art :] a sideshow to the glory that is my tags i KNOWWW but im glad my efforts are not unnoticed 😌#back to My Major tho when i was in middle school i thought i wanted to go into comic books #but then i thought id lose my love for drawing if i did it professionally so now i do it. semi professionally #on my own terms babyyyy thats right. and if im lucky i get paid to draw my faves im living the dream babes #thats why my text posts take nine years for me to type im legitimately sitting here thinking if i said everything i wanted #and if i worded it right but even then after it's up im like 'but did i word it right tho' but its like 'bro just fucking POST IT'#'ITS NOT THAT DEEP' its as my favorite professor once told me 'youre very paranoid' and he's right !!!! im very paranoid 🥰#ok im done now. see thats why i say Ok Im Done Now its a sign im forcing myself to shut UP #wait not done Almost but not quite i was rewatching 97 to Try to get caps of charles in his combat uniform #and i fear i still cackle at erik telling charles to shut up like PLEAAASSE...... i need that bit CLIPPED #it makes me giggle ... someone remind me to clip all of erik's cameos in the squirrelgirl podcast btw #ive been meaning to do that for weeks but. oops <3 i need all my grandpa's moments CATALOGUED and AT THE READY..#ok i done fr now i have class with my you're-paranoid professor in like an hour and i wanna get some work done before then #BYYYYYEEEE. FOR LIKE TWENTY MINUTES PROBABLY IDK

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genekies · 5 months ago

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tag vent

#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas #and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when #we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates #just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night #ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me #ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but #she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening #he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by #people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again #i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends #and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer #than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they #helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that #they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient #im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk #tag vent #vent in tags

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end-orfino · 7 months ago

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ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it

#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something #but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized.#and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this-#-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace-#-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller #which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this #and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely #oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it-#-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart #so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it.#fun./sar #i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to #because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get-#-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of #its probably the resilience though #im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically #this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it #just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear #it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over.#i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts #this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement.#its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every-#-time achievement #what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past.#even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again #if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa

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fantastic-mr-corvid · 5 months ago

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last years pride i had a sexuality crisis and this year a few days later im having a gender one. fuck.

#i was shaking celia/muro for what tf their gender is and all i got was #“its almost impossible to see who you are separate from how peoples perceptions feel and how they link to the systems that govern our lives #yay thanks as if i didn't already know that how femininity is punished has shaped me as constantly presenting masculine #maybe i am just a coward whos pretending to be trans to escape the awfulness that comes with being feminine #I DONT KNOW ANYMORE #i hate being seen as female but i only feel better when seen as a man- not truly happy #but its not like im ever seen as a real one #i enjoy pride because then my gender and presentation are just *queer* and i dont need to worry about boxes #i just want to be me!#this whole gender thing can kinda suck #im crow! thats all that should fucking matter!#not whatever box people try and fit me in #i guess i just gotta be used to not fitting into any box or label and having imposter syndrome for the only one that does: transgender #idk i kinda want to be in a box but it always ends up distressing me whenever i try #sorry to put this on peoples dashes #i just dont know and its stressing me out #im not a woman and i am more comfortable being seen as a man but thats *comfort* not really genuine joy #im a not-woman #i dont fucking know!!#i need to stop trying to figure it out bc of how distressing it is but here i go again...

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zhinee · 3 months ago

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looked at old pics of myself at the wrong time and now im crying.,

#i always thot i was just kinda ugly and weird and lame and like. i wasnt. not that it would matter if i was but like. i wasnt i was just. me #in my memories im so mean to myself and then to like look back at who i was at that time is like. so hard like why was i so mean to myself #and why am i still so mean to myself. like who does it benefit to remember myself as awful and annoying and ugly and unlovable #like the only person in my life who thought i was all those things was me. like the only person that hated me that much was ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i hate it here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im fine :)#this was a nice wakeup call i suppose.#also all those old pics i looked so hot im crying actual tears im so mad i could have been getting so much pussy if i wasnt so depressed #idk im just like. trying to be nice to my inner child and my inner teenager is one thing but like. being nice to me early 20s is even harde #i always thought ppl hated me and its like no bitch..... You hated YOURSELF................... anyways im dehydrated #this blog turning 13 sent me into a real spiral ill tell u WHAT.#having spent all my formative years online to then become almost completely offline after getting a job. its drama to say grieving but like #idk it felt like looking at pics of a dead relative. like it looked like me and i could remember taking those pics. but like. thats not me.#GOD. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD #AND ITS ESPECIALLY CRAZY TO LOOK BACK NOW HAVING GAINED ADULT BODY WEIGHT AT PICS OF ME AS A KID WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS FAT. AND I WASNT.#AGAINNNNNNNNNNN NOT THAT IT WOULD MATTER IF I WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS #but i spent my whole life being treated as FAT without actually being fat. WHICH I AM NOW. and now im the happiest and fattest ive been.#like i actually wasnt a horrible ugly fat freak of nature. i just needed to get away from my mom #i really am rambling at this point. i know i need to Look Within and Figure Out Who I Want To Be and What Kind Of Person I Want To Become #but also i have work #and the answer is some kind of transgender. one of em. thats for sure. but like. im a waitress so like. rain check that convo....#anyways. i am not a bad person. and i wish i didnt spend so much of my life convincing myself i was. but u live and u learn i fucking GUESS

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arolesbianism · 7 months ago

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I'm starting to see ppl talk abt updating their artfight pages and at first I was like what why it's still months away and then it hit me that by months it was two months and now I'm just silently sweating as my anual side project to remake the eternal gales refs and give them all icons comes back to haunt me

#rat rambles #oc posting #well I mean the good news is that all the staliens are already done and Ive already started on the human kids #the bad news is that theres still 5 more refs for me to remake and 9 icons if I decide to commit to that #the only one Ill probably force myself to do is sprinkles since shes the only stalien that doesnt have one and I dont want to leave her out #the human kids might just not get them tho especially since theres other characters Id like to make refs and icons for too #not as many newbies to the field this year which is a good thing since I do not have a lot of space left for new characters lol #Im probably going to take it easy this year in terms of my goals for artfight since last year I crashed and burned Hard #hopefully Ill have the time and motivation to draw a decent amount but if I dont Ill try not to be too broken up about it #especially since Ill probably burn myself out a bit doing the last minute ref rush lol #its not necessary especially since all the guys who needed the new refs most got theirs but Id like for them to be on the same page #I also went ahead and cleaned up my page a lil bit to make my life easier in the future #I should probably update bios and stuff but I dont feel like it Im too tired #tomorrow Im definitely going to need to clean some more as I have been for nearly every day #I mean guess thats why Im here in part #last week of pet sitting tho so soon Ill be back home again #Im not sure if Im excited or dreading it cause while I miss my family I also have been rly enjoying a house to myself #like its not necessary easy to do all the chores and stuff but it's a lot easier to do said chores when Im alone #and Ive actually been waking up at reasonable times too like not having my mom floating around is doing wonders #its almost making me rethink my insistence that I couldnt live alone but I definitely think itd get to me in the long term I need people #I just wish there was a better middleground since having people constantly in the house stresses me out so bad #it leads to me hiding out all day in my room and that's just not good for me #but its not like I could live by myself even if I wanted to #at this rate I dont think Ill ever move out but lets not think abt how much worse that could be for me thats future me's problem

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gamesyoushouldbeplaying · 2 years ago

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Jacob Geller wasnt kidding, that time loop can nihilism

#deathloop #guess whos got deathloop brainrot 2 years later #the ethics of this game drive me insane #if ur the only person trapped in a time loop who knows are you obligated to save it or destroy it?#are you really better than the rest of the visionaries when you kill them all over and over and over?#i have never had a game take me from 'Oh No NPC dont come over here i dont want to kill you!'#to 'how can i kill these guys as efficiently as possible so i can explore easier' this fast #it even has me considering leaving stealth almost entirely which is wild i love stealth :(#but stealth is only really fun the first time through an area or when its avoiding consequences sucessfully #but like fr the more i think about juliannas perspective the more its so crunchy! Like shes basically protecting a bunch of people #living the same day over and over forever #and thats not even getting into the sheer crunchiness of colt and franks relationship like! god i have so many thoughts #anyway shutting up now #gaming #jacob geller #still not done so no spoilers pls #anyway guess who just found out juliana is *spoilers redacted* and im losing my fucking mind a second time #this time loop ruined peoples lives not just once but twice #did colt make all this just to try to recreate the *spoilers* time he lost trapped in a loop?????#im going insane #i speak

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poisonouspastels · 1 year ago

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actually im kind of thinking abt how all the main players in the AU are probably way more mentally Not Great than it may appear at first

#like Alex is constantly worrying she isn't doing enough for her family and pushes herself way too hard physically and mentally bc of it #no one expects it out of her but she kind of just got herself into that mindset and ends up hurting herself by pushing too hard usually #(Rana is working with her to help break the habit)#Herobrine lived in caves for like 7 (I think. im too lazy to go check the rough timeline rn) years straight #like i already dont have to explain why thats bad on its own but hyperfixating on a dead civilization that long #to the point where you almost entirely forgot your first language is Worse.#he's had so many spider bites and eaten parts of spiders that he's literally just immune to the venom now #Rana you'd think would be better off since she's like the traditional happy cheery character but I guess that's also why she's Not #being happy is a choice to her. she's lived through some of the worst shit but she keeps persisting because the world needs more love in it #she's going to be happy out of spite despite all the odds and she wants to give that to others as much as she can #this girl walks in and out of the Nether every other month for potion ingredients like how 'okay' can she actually be really #Steve is probably like the most normal by comparison #but im not really sure how sane you can realistically qualify yourself to be when you've previously done DIY top surgery with a sword #that was not a fun day for neither Steve nor (pre transition) Rana but it worked! please dont do that again #no one else do it either neither of them would recommend it #he's not traumatized from that or anything but ill be damned if the gender dysphoria didnt win that day #but at the same time so did he. via the use of like 20 healing potions #thanks Rana #minecraft au mastertag

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invisibleoctopus · 1 year ago

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starting to think im a bard of void instead of being a knowledge class. i have the whole bardic crisis thing (oct 13 2013. sunday) the whole opposite aspect thing before that (Gifted Kid TM where part of my personality was bring smart. is very lightcore) and just how i seem to destroy everything i touch.

my aversion to lying and how terrible i am at it because its on a physical level in my body and i have to script it in advance (yes this is mostly autism) and not liking to keep secrets and being a blabbermouth. destroying void.

destroyed by void. getting FADED with weed. self isolation and most of my time being spent gaming or on the computer/phone. my awful terrible recurring dreams (dreams are void) that i have a fucking tag for. but the horrors have become almost mundane with how repetitive they are in my dreams and thats why i dont call them nightmares

#le p2iigh #the 'this classpect perfectly describes all my flaws' type of classpecter #no but my dreams are always like. im in school and i dont know why they wont let me drop out.#dont know if its college or What. but sometimes my former therapist is there. the one i had a crush on.#thats a thing i have with male mentor/teacher figures because of a Very Specifc Reason #other things that are always in my dreams. my dorm on the 3rd floor im always trying to figure out what clothes to wear whats clean #packing so i can go to the house that im living at that is specifically not home. wondering when i can go home to check on the cats #wondering why home looks so different its almost unrecognizable. my uncle is there. always. mom always has something Wrong with her #things being on fire near wherever im staying like next door across the street. most recently like the whole neighborhood.#not beating the doom player allegations with these descriptions.#heres more void coded things abt the dreams. being in/around bodies of water. theres one particular river i go to a lot its past some woods #the woods area separates the river and i walk upstream until i come across the widest part and the initial fork #theres always various Creatures in the water that im scared of.#this happens whenever im on the coast and in the ocean too. except sometimes theres stuff that wants to eat me #and thats not counting the kinnie dreams. either its ocean stuff that reminds me of being link.#or its like. i guess side order levels or something. and also more cursed than usual salmon run. on cursed stages. eels chasing me #(obvoiusly the agent 8 kinnie dreams)#my real life anxieties about the cat litter and taking a shower meaning i dream about having to do those things.#trying to find a place to lie down and sleep that feels comfortable for me but its impossible #thats. most of the recurring things in my dreams. my brain is tired and i interrupted myself doing Tasks for this.#i didnt expect to ramble about the recurring nature of all of these dream things. and obviously the tag is going here #adventures in losap #< the dream tag

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snekdood · 2 years ago

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Im so tired of acting the way i think some ppl on here think i should act. Im tired of assuming theyre seeing me through the lens my ex provides for them. Im tired of feeling like nothing i say or do matters anyways because people have made up their mind about me and refuse to try to see me in another light. I know who I am and I know what im like and im tired of trying to almost essentially help people see me change my behavior for the better from something i never even was? Because i guess i feel like if i act like most people dont know about the issues between me and my ex that means other people will think im just *pretending nothing is wrong or happening*. It feels like i cant win either way. I cant play pretend as this horrible person whos trying to reform and have people allow me the chance to actually change and recognize that change and i cant also be myself and just know myself without people thinking im just ignoring this thing that isnt even a thing i need to work on or ever even fucking did. Im so tired of feeling convinced that other people are convinced im horrible and having to work from there and having to try to navigate that situation and get someone to see my side of things because ive just come to the conclusion that some people just will refuse to and idk. Theres nothing i can do in this situation. I just know i didnt deserve any of it.

#im like one of the most careful fucking people in the world istg #even before all of this but now especially after this bc im operating under the assumption that ppl see me as if im not #i almost feel brainwashed by what i think others perception of me is like online.#and then i try to go through the steps i think someone who did fo those things would do. or as if i did do those things and what id do #in that situation afterward. but i didnt do those things. and i dont need to live and operate as if i did to prove to other ppl i have the #emotional and mental maturity that i do #i dont need to sit here and let people gaslight me into their perception of me or at least what i think it is #i am such a good stinky lil guy. its people like my ex and the people around them online that brought out all this bitterness in me.#i resent those people so much. and i cant help but feel like theyre all stalking me still all the time. they want me to live like that too #like im in a panopticon. but this is what im saying- if i move on like i know myself and operate as myself the way ik myself #THOSE PEOPLE will come around and then act like im ignoring the situation with my ex and 'trying to escape responsibility'#i dont know why i feel so obedient to their perception. i mean i guess i know why like probably bc of my brother pushing me into a box #and me feeling like i have to stay in there or be abused. i feel the same way with my ex- if i dont act like ive been in the box they put #me in this whole time then they are going to get mad at me and try to come after me more i feel like.#i feel like thats when theyre really going to try to sic their followers or friends after me.#idk but im going to stop. i dont care how you see me. its not real. its not true. it never was. i was abused by this person and thats the #final truth about it. im not saying i couldnt have been reactively abusive sometimes with them but all the things they say i did #that they did to me but say i did but x10 worse? no. fuck off. thats not fucking me. you DONT KNOW ME. YOU HAVENT BEEN AROUND ME #ALL MY LIFE GROWING UP. IF YOU KNEW ME YOU WOULD KNOW ID NEVER DO THAT SHIT. YOU WOULD FUCKING KNOW THAT.#which is why i know you dont know me. none of you do. im tired of operating the way i think you want me to.#im tired of trying to empathize with people i dont want to LIKE my ex or my brother or my sister or my dad #im tired of trying to see things the way they do. how my ex is probably just this dumb scared kid inside who does dumb shit and doesnt #think about the consequences and doesnt care about the consequences of their actions because their only priority is #self preservation. like i dont care. i understand but i dont care. they still hurt me. they still did what they did to me.#they still know they did something wrong otherwise they wouldnt have started this whole smear campaign.#im tired of trying to sympathize with them. give them a million chances to change. do what i can to encourage them to actually have empathy #even towards the people they hurt and like to smear.#because they dont do the same for me. i know. i know theyre still shit talking me. i know they cant stop because if they did theyd have to #have more empathy about me on a whole lot of things they dont want to think about bc they dont want to feel about how they treated me #and continue to treat me by keeping up this narrative abt me online. they dont give a fuck so why am i extending so much to them.

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frenetic-chameleon · 2 years ago

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Is there anything that you really want to do before you die?

honestly, i think i'd just like to really live first. you know? i want to do more, experience more, learn more, see more. the universe is so vast and beautiful and busy, and i am so small and tired but part of it nonetheless. i want to see the world get better than it is right now. i want to feel better than i do right now. i want to build up a better support system for myself and start seizing opportunities as they come to me. i wanna see myself and the people around me keep growing into the people we want to be, even as that ideal changes with us. mostly, i want to be safe, and loved, and happy. i hope that answers your question

#incredibly ominous! i appreciate the ask #i can't really tell if this is a genuine question or a humorously worded threat #originally i was going to give a snarky answer bc i am frankly very superstitious and this felt like a test a supernatural being would give #like in the stories #but it didn't feel right. so i ended up going with my most simple and heartfelt answer instead #so hopefully if against all odds this is some kind of test. hopefully thats enough #and if it's a genuine question... i hope the same thing #if it was a threat. then it was funny + surprisingly considerate. and i hope my answer managed to reach you anyway #i don't actually recognize the blog this is from but im not always the best at that so if we are familiar with one another already #then i hope you can forgive me for not recognizing you #mine #but also if you just wanted a simple answer then i guess i'd like to travel the world for a while. maybe live in a different country #i think i'd like wales but i don't know any welsh. except how to say good morning (i think)#so i would feel bad being like. the usamerican anglophone just moving to a place without knowing the language #(even if they also speak english. still. it would feel almost disrespectful of me)

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foxcassius · 4 months ago

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wait also my tags on that post were about people i knew in freshman and sophomore year of college specifically. i mean some of them i knew after that and most of them i knew from high school but damn some people really made everything about themselves when i was being emotionally manipulated in my freshman year

#i cant even think about it. makes so like disappointed and upset to think about some people.#its also just crazy how some people have like no introspection abilities at all.#they'll be like 'you did x once you abused me' ignoring how they did x 15 times and y 20 times and also came at me physically violently #and i know its not a calculator. i know i cant put all the bad things we did to each other into an algorithm that tells us who abused who #like i am aware that we had a toxic relationship and its better now that we are not in contact #but it makes me shake my head when i think about screenshots people used to send me of stuff my ex friends were saying about me on twt #because those people DO think they can put every bad thing ive ever done into a calculator that will show the result that i abused them #anyway. i like to think any person who knows me well and/or irl knows thats not me and i dont talk to almost anyone from that time anymore #i still follow and talk to fee...i think i still follow joanna but she is never on anymore....#in the end there is not much use in thinking anf agonizing about this anymore. i used to go into spirals a lot like maybe i DID abuse x fri #end and i just didnt REALIZE it maybe im CRAZY but. i definitely dont do that anymore. what she said to me made me do that.#(again. emotional manipulation.)#but its so crazy to remember high school and college from my current vantage point. i've lived so much good life since then.#now i own a house. i garden (something x friend told me i would never be responsible enough for) i have a boyfriend who has been scretly #into me for over year before we started dating (something x friend always told me i was imagining in people) i have a job i find fulfillment #in (something x friend said i would never find if i kept changing jobs looking for one i liked)#i feel like i make a post ever year or so when i inevitably end up looking back on those times...and i always feel guilty for making them #because i dont want it to seem like im gossiping or slandering (even though x friend posted about me all the time) but idk #i dont go to therapy yknow. i just journal and write and think in my head and on occasion i make a blog post with rambling tags #i talk to people and learn about them and through that learn about me. i read and learn about the world and the mind.#im not saying i wouldnt go to therapy if i could afford it...but i guess im defending my right to make a post about the past every year-ish.#it helps #t

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talkorsomething · 6 months ago

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They literally just had a conversation about ice cube trays and whether or not they were clean (they decided they were not i think?) and did NOT ask me anything. Do i not exist to you people

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #the ice cube trays were clean btw just the water wasn't good at the time #which is why they were empty #this and also some things in the freezer that need moved and NOBODY has asked me to move them and i literally could #like #augh. god. i exist!!! i live here! i know things!!! i'm awake!!!!!!#i'm not SUPER annoyed by it but i Could Be if i think about it too much #which i mean. i probably will.#anyways this has annoyed me into deciding *i* will deal with the freezer stuff when i wake up if nobody else has by that point #just ... a constant list of things that's just gonna keep getting longer.#cause i don't want to ... ugh words tonight #i don't want to add the stress of because like. listen.#i get angry a LOT and it's not really warranted most of the time. i do not want to subject people to that.#and also just ... everythiiiing everything about the way i hear him act has been bugging me this week and its only MOSTLY because it's #almost (or is by now?) shark week and i always get pissed at everything right before then.#the other part is that he reminds me of the father unit who ALREADY bugs me just. in general so. yippee i guess.#its like 'hey u should communicate if u have a problem :)' and then i go 'ok i will :)' LYING because i do NOT want to make this situation #exponentially worse. cause thats how it would go. i dont need to feel even LESS wanted in my own home lol

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princessmyriad · 6 months ago

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#personal #i dont really know how to talk about this but i am scared. for myself. not for my system but for me and also for my sys #im primary protector. i am the oldest being in this body by time (not by age). i was one of the first created at the bodys 9month old Thing #ive always had a background almost co-con role. not fully cocon but i contribute to a lot of the blur because im always close enough to #the front to be able to step in as quickly as possible if needed. and to give instructions and warnings to whoevers in front and needing it #the last maybe 2 months? 3? ive taken up a more active hosting role in a cycle with 3 others #im really worried that its been happening so much that its impacting my duties as primary protector. im scared the brain has been #keeping things from me or shutting of knowledge i did have access to to help me adjust to concept of hosting #i cant see the inner as clearly as i could. i know my girlfriends in there somewhere but reaching out only has like a 12% chance of #getting through when ive spent the last 14 years almost living on top of her as she was the old host.#it feels rough and scary. like i know shes in there i think our gatekeep would tell me if she became dormant even if i was full host so i #i have to belive shes alright in there but i do miss her so bad. i want to know shes okay. i want to hold her #im mostly worried about losing more access to information i used to have and diminishing my use in my protector role as a result #i dont want to be a host. i need to feel like i can talk to my guys and gals and pals with the clarity and communication weve spent the last #4 years building. i feel there are more capable than me to replace me and allow me to step back and resume background-host/protector stuff #they are untrained and unfamiliar with our life but theyre not trauma holders. what do they call those? normal parts? dont like that languag #but they dont have the trauma related issues that some olthers/old hosts do and can be trained in the running of the life #we dont work we dont really leave the house due to agoraphobia so we have the time and space to train a new host #idk what to do #idk where this went i guess this is venting you can ignore it #but i guess the solution is to talk to the one cohost i can still talk with and see if they can do some hiring for me #get them to head in and see if the brain will cooperate to bring someone else out to take my host spot soon #or make one but thats not ideal id prefer to avoid that if we can. but i can feel myself reaching my limits for this #somethings gotta give soon either way #system #although we already have 3 other hosts in roster and several alters created specifically for that hanging out inside too so maybe #maybe things wont crumble if i just decide to step back on my own. if i can. harder to step back when i cant access inner but maybe if i can #then we will survive with the 3

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thecherrygod · 10 months ago

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Of course I'm gonna remember the fucked up dream I had today that didn't let me continue sleeping when I'm about to fall asleep.

#my posts #my dreams #i will write it here #it has gore and harm to a small kid/toddler so uh #saying that in case someone's curious to read. ony #only* keep reading if you are okay with thoae. but i want it out of my brain so ill write it here #after draming i got lost and stuff in a different place than the one i usually dream off and with bad weather‚ i got 'home'#not really how my house nor my neighborhood looks. kinda more like a countryside slightly older american house i guess? maybe not old but #made at some point last century #its raining but not as much as before. and something in me is like 'close every door and window. the which is done. shes about to be free.-#-dont let her in' so i closed everything. but that meant that the dream neighbor lost against her.#apparently it was a huge kinda doll house place and in it only lived a child. about 2-3years old. could walk and talk but still had diappers #i say doll house bc it was open. i could see the inside like that. and something in it looked like a doll from tbe torso up #as big as a bedroom i think? placed in a way it reminded me of a chimney #anyways the child is on the top floor screaming 'YES I WON'. she didnt tho. she just didn't know #two women in maif clothes (not the cure maid that can look sexy. the maid thats almost also nurse clothes for older people) come for her #apparently tho she lived alone she did have them to care for her #one of them picks the girl from the floor. a noise of something tearing can be heard #she says 'oh weird did your diapper break?' but the girl doesnt really say anything anymore #as shes being carried away a noise of something falling from the floor happens. a wet slapping sound #and its just.. meat. chunks of meat and organs and intestines falling out of the girls diapper bit by bit. all bloodied pieces of everything #that woke me up #and them i couldn't go back to sleep and then i tried to forget but i just remembered #im. gonna try to sleep anyways bc its almoat 3 am but.. yeah it wasnt fun lmao #the first half was decent but... no yeah no lmao

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