#Great Orcs

[stainedglass-sketchbook]

Getting domestic in Waterdeep (gale would have the fanciest lounging around robes)

[cowboythewizard726]

beautiful orc girl leed helllOOOOO beautiful leed alert oh my GOD she's so cool WOOAHHHH beautiful siilly girl she was really pretty and awesome and so kind i think shes wonderful and there should be a statue made just for her thats really big and in the center of everything and she should get anything she wants ever smile face

[marlynnofmany]

It’s back!

If you missed it the first time around, the “human are weird” anthology is back for a second printing. (There’s even a new story included: “Black Box” by Dara Brophy.)

Here’s the blurb:

In science fiction, humans are usually boring compared to other races: small, weak, with no claws or tentacles, and no special abilities to speak of. But what if we were the impressive ones, the unsettling ones, the ones talked about by all the other aliens? What if we're weird?

If you’d like a collection of excellent stories about humans inspiring awe, fear, and utter confusion, it’s available everywhere books are sold!

[kottkrig]

There's an extension for the trp3 addon that lets you put in a custom race/class/name in NPC text and it can be pretty funny

[stubz]

"Okay everyone floor is lava in 10..."

children scatter across the in door park.

"9..."

some leap onto nearby benches. Others climb nearby trees.

"8...7..."

the nearby safe spots become too crowded. Some force their way in while others sprint for the only place with enough room for the remaining few. The water fountain.

"6...5..."

the fountain can hold them all but is far. The slow one's won't make it.

"3...2...1..."

Some of the strong ones carry the slowest. their kindness is their downfall.

"FLOOR IS LAVA!!"

the lava takes them.

"Okay everyone on the ground is out!"

*chorus of groaning*

"So we have, 1, 2, 3...8...11...wait. Everyone hold still for a sec." the human recounts the children. And then again. And again.

"Where's Piper?"

"She was running that way!"

"Yeah towards the field!"

"The field? But there's nothing to climb there.."

"Is the floor still lava!?!"

Out in the field is Piper, sitting on top of her other teacher Kim's shoulders.

"Piper your out, you know the rules. You can't ask someone to carry you when the floor is lava."

"I didn't carry her."

"Kim no fibbing. Kids don't like it when it comes to floor is lava."

"No really I didn't. She climbed me," the woman picks the girl off her and put her down "show them Piper."

The 7 year old smiles and goes behind Kim and then starts to climb. Using the adults calves as a step she boosts her other foot to Kim's hip and then latches onto her neck with her arms. From there she shimmies herself onto her teacher's shoulders. All while Kim keeps her arms to her sides.

"...how long has she been able to do this?"

"Since yesterday."

"That's really cool."

"I know, right?"

.

..

...

"Human Kim I'd like to ask you a question about...human children."

"Yeah sure, go ahead."

"So as you know I am courting Morgan, who has 2 children, and I was wondering if it's normal for them at their age to not be able to climb me or him?"

"Climb you?"

"Yes, like that human child with blonde hair. Harrison is about her age yet he can't climb us like she can climb you."

"...Ohhh, yeah that's not a normal thing."

"Really?? But she does it with such ease and you look so, so, used to it. As if it was normal behavior."

"Piper is incredibly flexible and strong for her age, and while yes I am used to it that's because I'm used to kids climbing me while I'm sitting or helping them."

"So human children do climb their caretakers?"

"Yes."

"But Piper's climbing is not normal?"

"...yes. Wait. Hold on...So human children do climb on their family members but most of them can't climb to an adult's shoulders like that without help. Only a few like Piper are strong enough to do that."

"Ah. So I should not be concerned that Morgan's children can't do that?"

"No, you should not."

"Okay then. Humans are strange."

"That they are!"

[chaoticcomposition]

a (slightly belated) evie dressed as the 2004 van helsing for halloween!

[werecreature-addicted]

Not directly monster related, but what do you think of pirates and cowboys? I love them and would kill for werewolf pirates and werewolf cowboys

pirates, cowboys, priests, men with long hair: these are all monsters to me(in a sexy way). also, a werewolf cowboy would fuck like crazy. big wolf sweaty and shirtless from a long day's work looking at you like a cool drink of water, calling you Darlin and also he has gentle eyes and you know he's kind because animals love him and he's so sweet with the cows and horses he takes care of. I'd be ripping that stupid big belt buckle off to get at his cock.

[notpostingjustperusing]

I think what attracts people to humans are space orcs stories is not the inherent idea that humans are evolutionarily aberrant in the universe. Rather, it is the solution to the existential crisis of what if we are not alone in the universe. If we are alone in the universe, we are unique and able to make our mark on the universe unhindered. 

But if we are not alone, if there are countless other species, each identically unique, what is there to set humanity apart? How do we make the universe remember us after we have gone extinct. If all species are exactly like us, have things that make them unique and memorable, each grew up on a deathworld, each views themselves as a space orc, each has attributes about them but are multifaceted species, what difference does the existence of humanity make on the universe? Earth having evolved life will matter for the surrounding star systems and any individuals that come in contact with earthlings, but in a million years, will anyone care? Will we make a mark upon the universe, do anything to make the cosmos take notice of us?

And so in a universe of space orcs, what is it that humanity can do to separate ourselves? Space orc is not a prophecy, it is a promise to the stars. The only fear we have is not that we are not alone, it is that we are not unique.

[natalieironside]

I started reading the Ringworld books and my opinion so far is it would be a lot better if it was just about this Klingon Tony the Tiger dude and all the mischief he gets up to without all that other foolishness

[sparring-spirals]

how better to describe my love for the Mighty Nein than "one of my favorite episodes was the one where they needed to stealthily climb up/get down a fucking huge tree only for it to get Very Loud And Chaotic Very Fast Due To Competitive Tendencies And Poor Decisions".

Except that describes TWO completely separate episodes (and trees), one involving romantic shenanigans, a baby roc getting hit on the head with a staff, and a shitty leaf costume, and the other involving a good ole footrace and also a bullet to the ass. No, no enemies had a gun.

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

Ok, but, legolas has absolutely seduced an orc before.

Like, it’s just business, just a tool. If he has to flirt with an orc in order to stay alive, so be it. The other silvans have too.

Because, when you ignore the grim and disfigurement, orcs are still elves. Twisted elves, but elves none the less. And the silvans and avari have no issue exploiting it.

But just imagine:

Elladan:....

Elrohir:....

Legolas:

Elladan:...

Elrohir:...

Legolas: ...yes?

Elladan: did you seriously just flirt with that orc.

Legolas: listen, bitch. We had been captured, horribly out numbered, with no sign of rescue. So if the only way to make sure we wouldn’t end up on the dinner plate was to seduce them, then i’ll do it.

Elrohir: ...

Elladan:...

Legolas: you have no idea how much it fucks with them when you seduce them. It either bewilders them enough to prevent them from being at their best OR they’re genuinely interested, in which case, you try a lot less to kill someone if you’re attracted to them. In either scenario: win-win.

[jpitha]

"Look." Daniel held up the trap. Inside a small brown animal was quivering and running from side to side in the metal trap. "Mice."

El'ama peered closely at the small creature. "It's cute."

"Yeah, they are. But they're pretty destructive and they can bring disease with them. We're going to have to do something about them."

"How did they get here?"

"Oh, they've been following close behind humanity from the beginning. I'm sure a few snuck aboard from a ship." Daniel looked at the mouse. "I dunno. We could put out more traps, but maybe some cats instead?"

"Cats?"

"Yeah, predator from Earth. Small mammal, furry, pointy ears with a tail. They've been with us for millennia. They're good hunters. They've been following people just as long as the mice, earning a keep as mousers.

El'ama looked at Daniel, back to her tail, touched her ears and looked again at Daniel and flicked her ear.

Daniel got flustered. "I-I don't know! I don't think you really look that much like a cat, h-here, here's a photo of them." He got out his pad quickly and showed her a photo.

El'ama was amused at his embarrassment, and she looked at the photos. "Yeah, okay, they're not exactly the same as us, but it's really odd that you have a predator on your planet that looks a little like us that you keep as a pet."

"Pets? Hah! They don't think so. It's more like the cat chooses their human."

"What?"

"Oh yeah, there's evidence that they pretty much domesticated themselves. When around people and raised by people their vocalizations sound a little like a baby's cry - to better get our attention and to have us attend to them. They also tend to pick a human and just...go live with them. You'll be walking around, and as you walk into your house, a cat will scoot behind you and well, now a cat lives with you!"

"That's amazing." El'ama said. "Okay then, how do we get some?"

"Honestly? I'm not sure. They're usually just like, there. I'll ask around, make some calls."

A few weeks later the Starjumper On Point made a call at the joint Human/K'laxi starbase. Onboard, in addition to the regular contingent of crew and passengers and cargo were two small crates.

The crates were meowing.

Daniel and El'ana were waiting at customs. "They're here!" Daniel ran up to them as they were wheeled off the umbilical. "Who are my new fluffy employees? You are! You are!"

The crates gave a warning growl.

El'ama looked inside. When her face was even with the crates, the cats inside shrank back.

"I think they're scared of me."

"They're cats. They're just nervous about a new situation. Let's take them back to the office and let them get used to things."

Back at the office, Daniel let the cats out and they wandered around the office, sniffing and looking at everything.

"Do they....do anything else?" Eliana said.

"Like I said, they're cats. They do everything in their own time. I've got their water and food bowls set up, and they have a litter box over in the closet and toys and blankets."

"And they'll take care of the mice?"

"If they feel like it yeah."

"IF THEY FEEL LIKE IT?"

"El'ana, they're cats."

The largest cat, who was all black and very plush came over to the K'laxi and rubbed against her legs.

"Awwww, Inky likes you! Give her a pet on the head."

El'ana bent down and gently touched the cat between the ears. They raised their head up and started making a breathy rumble.

"What's that noise?"

"She's purring! That means she's content, or she likes you. Good work!"

El'ana sat down at her desk and the large black cat jumped into her lap and promptly fell asleep.

"So, what do I do now?" she whispered.

"Oh, you don't have to whisper. But she's sleeping, we can't wake her! I'll bring you something to drink and your pad. You'll just have to wait it out."

El'ana flicked an ear. You're sure they'll help us with our mouse problem?"

"Eh, pretty sure. Cats are great anyway."

[imparrot]

High key love everything about 'humans are space orcs' posts because they are celebrations of human-ness and I really think that's special

[marlynnofmany]

Not Special, Part Two

(Part One is here)

Oscar Tennyson grabbed his purchases and hurried after the rest of his crew. As usual, they were walking quickly on their longer legs and bellowing for him to keep up. The teeth-and-scales Mighty had no patience for human weaknesses. Of which there were many.

But, as Oscar had just learned, there were some strengths as well. And he couldn’t wait to show them.

He scampered onboard before the door shut, wondering if they would actually leave without him if he dawdled too long. Probably not — who would handle their finances and hunting permits? They’d have to hire someone else, because they certainly didn’t want to do it themselves. But he didn’t want to test that.

He had much better things to test. While the stark metal walls vibrated with the engine’s revs, Oscar wove between scaled biceps and tails to his own quarters. He pressed the panel by the door, which was oversized and cracked like all of them on this ship. The Mighty were not fans of fiddly little buttons or keys. Not when they could have panels big enough to punch, which only broke sometimes.

When Oscar stepped through and closed the door behind him, he felt immediately relieved. This was his private space to decorate as he chose, without worrying that someone would take things down or make fun of him. Ship rules were clear about personal quarters. Oscar’s fake orchids and real cactus made the room homey, along with more posters than the walls could hold. They spilled onto the ceiling, lining it with nature scenes from Earth, sports figures he admired, media announcements, and a good number of fluffy kittens. This was the one spot on the ship where he could feel comfortable, and he was making the most of it.

The bag of refueling station supplies crinkled as he set it on his small table to remove the contents. A high-end store might have had Waterwill bags that evaporated after a day, but this place used regular old plastic. Inside were food cubes, bottled water, and the purchase he was most excited about: six cans of very weak caffeine.

He scanned the label. It was just like the other human had said. Tall cans in dramatic colors, but not much of substance inside. At least, not as far as the average human was concerned.

Oscar couldn’t wait until dinner time.

Before then, he had a permit to submit and several other things to check. The ship should be on the way to Argosha, which was notorious for welcoming outsiders in to hunt the Dagger Birds that were giving everyone so much trouble, but he had better get their paperwork in order anyway.

He grabbed his tablet and left his safe haven, heading back into the public parts of the ship where he could face taunts from any direction. Really, these guys were just like his cousins. At least it was familiar.

Fending off tiresome conversation — “How’s the weather down there?” “Why don’t you ask your mother?” —he reached the bridge and found a corner to stand in. The captain and the pilot were arguing about where to land when they reached Argosha.

“The main site will have more people to admire our ship!”

“The new one is closer to the hunting grounds!”

“Dagger Birds are overrunning the place; everywhere is a hunting ground!”

“Do you want to pay the damages for shooting a building instead of a bird? We can take it all out of your pay, if you want!”

“Fine, but if we land on some overgrown hedge and the ship is scratched, you get to pay for that!”

“Fine!”

The pair of them stopped yelling and sat back in their seats as if nothing at all was the matter, because it wasn’t. Polite disagreements were always held at that volume.

In the brief lull while the pilot manipulated the controls with more force than a lesser console could withstand, Oscar spoke up. “I’d like to come too.”

Both dinosaurian heads turned to stare at him in surprise. “Why?” the captain demanded. “One kick from a bird, and you’re useless to us.”

“Thanks,” Oscar said flatly. “I’ll keep out of the way. I want to take photos of your fighting prowess; I should be able to sell them.”

Both of the Mighty preened at that, as he’d known they would. Ego was big here. The captain agreed, and Oscar didn’t let slip any hints of his secret plan. He just finished working on his tablet, then retreated to his quarters to practice Dagger Bird mating calls.

The air on Argosha was breathable but hot, at least this part of it. Oscar was ready with his Tool in his pocket. (He’d gotten out of the habit of calling it a phone, since the Mighty were right in that it did a near-infinite number of things.) (He still smirked quietly at the potential innuendo, but it was a conversation he didn’t really want to have with giant dinosaur aliens, so he kept that to himself.)

“This way,” announced the captain, pointing in what looked like an arbitrary direction into the wilderness. Whooping with the alien equivalent of testosterone, the crew raised their blasters and tromped off the landing pad with Oscar following close behind.

True to his word, he did take some pictures as he went. But he was waiting for his moment.

It didn’t take long to come. The shouting scared off all the wildlife, then the Mighty found a boulder to crouch behind and wait for the creatures to come back. They played a silent counting game to see who was best at guessing when they’d spot something worth killing.

Distant footsteps on leaves made them smack each other in excitement, but nothing appeared between the trees.

Now or never, Oscar thought. Knowing better than to startled his crewmates, he whispered, “Here, let me.” Then he took a deep breath and let loose with his best imitation of a Dagger Bird seeking a mate. “Woarrrrrrk!”

While the Mighty shushed him and wondered what he was doing and started to figure it out, an answering woarrk sounded from nearby.

Then another, then, three.

Oscar wondered if he’d overplayed his hand.

No less than five large and eager Dagger Birds crashed through the undergrowth at once, croaking and flapping, taking offense at each other’s presence. The Mighty all roared and leapt out, firing in every direction.

Oscar dashed for a tree he’d been eyeing, the one with lots of branches, and didn’t stop climbing until he was out of beak-stabbing range. He held tight to the trunk, catching his breath and watching the chaos. Belatedly, he remembered to take out his Tool and snap some photos.

This was actually a good angle. He got a great shot of the captain aiming down the throat of a wide-open beak, then another a split second later when the beak snapped shut inches from his head. Another of the engineer shooting one from beneath. Two of the pilot tackling the largest bird and sinking teeth into the back of its neck where it couldn’t reach to stab.

Other species did their trophy hunting from a distance. The Mighty liked the fight as much as the kill. Their blasters were set on a deliberately low setting, and their teeth were sharp.

Safe up in his tree, Oscar grimaced at how bloody things were getting down below. He yelled another bird call to distract the one about to spear the crewmate who’d been knocked to the ground, and he got a cheerful “Nice save by the little guy!” which was as close to a thank you as he was going to get. The crewmate scrambled up and bit off a chunk while the bird was distracted. A couple of the crew looked like they were bleeding their own blood, but most of it was coming from the Dagger Birds, which were just as stubborn as the stories had said. Not one of them ran off. The last to die fell on top of somebody, which just added laughter from the rest of the crew to the triumphant cheers.

Oscar took a picture of the bird being dragged off his disgraced crewmate. That photo he wouldn’t sell, but would keep as minor blackmail if he ever needed it. Sticking it up on the wall to remind everyone of this moment could be a valuable strategic move.

“We are the MIGHTY!” bellowed the captain, and the whole crew joined in with a deep-voiced cheer. Oscar climbed down to more approval than he’d gotten in the last month.

“Good work by our human here! Who knew you could do that?”

“That’s sure an efficient way to hunt!”

“We should bring you out every time. That was great.”

Oscar took the praise with pride, not bothering with modesty. That was just another word for weakness as far as these guys were concerned.

He managed to dodge when one of them made to slap him on the back with a large bloodstained hand, which just made them laugh more. Luckily the captain directed everybody to gather their kills for dragging back to the ship, rather than chasing the human and messing up his clothes.

Oscar took a position on the lowest branch of his tree, taking a couple more photos as the victorious hunters figured out how to get it all home. If anyone had asked Oscar, which they never would, he’d have suggested going back for a hovercart, or taking them one at a time. But of course they did neither.

Definitely the type to insist on carrying all the groceries in at once, Oscar thought as his crewmates strained to drag the giant carcasses through the undergrowth. He hopped down and kept pace out to the side where there was no blood on the leaves.

They finally made it back to the ship, doing nothing to clean up the smears of blood they left on the landing pad. Oscar darted off to his quarters as soon as the door opened. The rest of them could handle getting the birds into cryo storage, or chopped up right away, whichever they saw fit to do. The lowest-ranking one without significant injuries would be in charge of clearing the blood from the hallways, but only after they’d all taken a walk through the water-and-air blast chamber that passed for a shower here. It had always reminded Oscar of a car wash.

He kept to himself until dinner, sorting his photos while everyone else dealt with the catch and the mess and the injuries. The mechanical medsystem on this ship was just as efficient as the shower. They’d all be in decent shape by mealtime.

And mealtime after a successful hunt was also drinking time.

Oscar usually ate in his room, wanting nothing to do with the raucous meat-tearing and drunkenness. But today was different, because he’d learned something valuable about the liquid they were getting drunk off.

Oscar considered the cans he’d bought, then decided it would have more of an impact if he just took one of the communal supply. So instead he grabbed his new food cubes and a premade tin of spaghetti from his mini-cryo, and followed the sound of laughter.

They were already a little drunk when he got there. Sprawled across chairs with a table full of meat slabs spilling over the edges of the plates. And as expected, there were tall purple cans everywhere.

“Heyyyy, it’s the little guy! Let’s hear it for the human with the surprise talent! Maybe you’re not useless after all!”

“Thanks,” Oscar said as they pounded fists against anything in reach as a form of applause. He leaned against the open doorway and shuffled his belongings so he could get a fork in a meatball without setting down the food cubes. “That was pretty easy where I’m from. You guys really can’t do that?” He popped the meatball into his mouth, casual as you please.

The Mighty of course, thought this was funny, and took it in stride. More gulps from their drinks, more savage mouthfuls of food, and a few questions about the surely-excellent photos he’d gotten, which would make them all look amazing.

Oscar said he’d share the best ones. These would make fine decorations in their own quarters, and would probably be appreciated by the right paying audience.

Then came the moment he’d been waiting for. The captain raised his drink in another cheer, and somebody noticed that the human was the only one without a can in his hand.

“Get the human a warrior’s drink!”

“Bet you he passes out after one sip.”

“Nah, he can take at least two.”

Oscar smiled quietly. If they’d been paying attention, they might have changed their bets at that smile. He set his food down in the hallway to free his hands. When one muscular, taloned arm offered him a can of their most potent intoxicant, he took it. Oh so casually.

Then he whipped his head back and chugged the whole thing.

“Oh! Human’s gonna die!”

“I’m not cleaning up the puke!”

“What the supernova! There are better ways to go than that!”

“Somebody drag him to medical so we don’t have to find somebody else to do the boring stuff.”

“Yeah, he was just getting interesting.”

Oscar ignored all of them, giving the empty can a thoughtful look. It felt like the same thin aluminum he remembered from Earth. And if there was anything his cousins had taught him, it was the proper way to dispose of a beer can.

He dug his fingertips in and crushed it against his forehead. Then while the room reacted to that, he wiped off the drips and threw the can across the room. When it went into the trash on the first try, he was internally very glad, but he didn’t let it show. Instead he picked up his food and resumed eating. “What’s the big deal?” he said. “Is that what you guys have been getting drunk off? How quaint.”

“How in all the black holes—”

“No, he’s gonna fall over any second; just watch.”

“Quaint, that’s hilarious.”

“He’s totally bluffing. Just wait and see.”

Oscar was enjoying being the center of the crew’s attention today. He made a show of sweeping his eyes across the various cans in the room. “None of you has finished a can yet, I see. Was that supposed to be strong?”

There was widespread laughing and elbowing of each other, most of them still clearly convinced that the silly little human was going to throw up and die any second now.

So Oscar set down his food, walked over to the table, and chugged a second one. It was a bit more liquid than his stomach was really happy with, but that was a small price to pay for the uproar that followed.

They exclaimed; they renewed their bets; they drank from their own cans; they got visibly drunker and abandoned their bets.

Oscar leaned against the doorframe, eating spaghetti and food cubes.

After one particularly unsteady crewmate tripped onto the table full of meat, and someone pointed out that the human wasn’t wobbling at all, Oscar said, “You guys don’t know much about my species, do you? Half of what I eat would liquify your insides.” He held up a food cube, eyeing the different colored specks of all the ingredients that made it balanced for an omnivorous digestive system. He laughed. “You guys just eat meat. How boring!”

They only got drunker after that. Oscar was pretty sure that the nearest two wanted to pat him on the back, but the floor was moving too much for them to make it all the way to the doorway. Somebody offered him a raw slab of Dagger Bird. He turned it down with casual scorn.

“Nah, meat isn’t worth eating unless it’s passed through fire. That’s weakling meat you’ve got there. Get back to me when it’s cooked brown.”

They loved that. The party was an epic one, only winding down when most of the crew was too drunk to reach more drinks. Oscar demonstrated his steadiness by picking through the mess to drop his food containers in the trash, then move back to the door.

“Well, it’s been fun,” he said. “I’ll send in the med-drone to make sure nobody’s going to wake up dead. Let me know if you want to get your tails handed to you by any more Dagger Birds. I’ll call ‘em in close for you again.”

He got groggy approval to that.

Oscar left with a smile on his face, and a mild amount of caffeine in his blood. Maybe after stopping by the medcenter, he’d use that energy on some exercise. Thoughts of the run to the hunting grounds, and the way his crewmates had paced themselves, suggested that it wouldn’t take much practice for him to out-endurance the Mighty on the VR treadmill.

I wonder what else I can do?

~~~~~~~~~

By popular request, this is the sequel to the story I posted last week, which is part of the ongoing series of backstory for the main character in this book. (It started that way, at any rate, and turned into a sprawling series in its own right. Fun stuff.)

Patreon opens the day after tomorrow, on May 1st! There's a free tier and everything if you want to keep up without strings attached! And you can even request more delightful nonsense like this.

Onward!

[cyanidesymphoniesxylophones]

Haso post but about fungi, i feel like fungi exist in any planet, but only Terrans have breached the barrier of cuisine. Cue aliens panicking as their human crewmates eat the brown stalk button happily.

Alien: WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN YOUR MOUTH AGAIN XY

Human Xy: ... Shiitake chips?

Alien: Those are brown stalk buttons!!?

Xy: ... YOU HAVE SHIITAKE IN YOUR HOME PLANET.

Alien: Next thing you tell me you eat the dark rootsphere.

Xy: *pulling out a truffle* YOU HAVE TRUFFLES IN YOUR HOME PLANET.

Alien, visibly concerned why Xy is eating animal food: WHY DO YOU HAVE ROOTSPHERE ON YOUR PERSON

[the-quackeroos]

moments before a battle between Montague and his army, Tobias, and his legion of heroes offscreen. special guests include a gnoll I played in a D&D campaign and a Mongol-type orc.

making redraws of Tobias & the Half Pariah is so much fun. ^^