#Gnome Shovel

[fogaminghub]

🌄 Are you ready to dive into Chapter 4 of Visions of Mana? 📜 Join Val and the Alms as they Head to the Eastern Plateau in search of Hinna's precious corestone! 🗡️ Our latest blog post details everything you need to know about this epic journey, including tips for exploring Gudju and obtaining the all-important Gnome Shovel!

💫 Read the full guide here!

[namnamcat]

🧌

While the stupid knights are worried about the appearance of a guy with a shovel, a clever soap gnome hides in the swamps of the Troupple King

[3gremlins]

so i finally started a dark urge ("durge") pt in bg3, despite having some concerns that it was too dark for me (like all the "gamer" website descriptions of it make it sounds so bleak and a little gross) but it's actually really funny. Like yeah, it's still a bit gross but done for comedy and less for fear.

plus your murder butler's fashion is on point

his little dapper hat with the real snake skeleton? his false leather?? metal? nose? that suit?!?

i'm still not sure which direction with the dark urge i want to go with this character, i usually veer towards "good" (ish) characters so maybe i'll just full murder? idk, but the act one stuff is very funny.

Also talking to all your companions about your concerns is hilarious, you're like "i'm having dark dreams about swimming in pools of blood" and they're all like "oh yeah that's normal don't worry about it sweetheart *head pats*" but it def feels like they're all distracted by their own messy bitch problems that they're not really listening lol.

i also don't know how it took me *4* pts in to summon basket (aka shovel/fork) but i love her and would die for this little murder quasit. kinda sad i'm not a spellcaster this pt b/c apparently you can make her permanent/resummonable (per reddit anyway). I'll prob just have her turn invisible at the start of combat and not fight to keep her alive for the whole game if i can.

this pt i'm also playing a gnome rogue b/c i never play gnomes and so i figured why not. she's pretty cute and all the dialogue scenes are silly b/c they're like 2-3 feet shorter than all your companions.

it's not quite the DAI dwarf camera problems (it does adjust) where you were completely mike wazowski'd in most of the cinematics etc, but it's similar for sure (it's worse when it's from behind you, because you're looking up at a character who is much taller so it's usually the top of your head staring at their crotch lol. But when it switches to the taller npcs, they're all look like they're staring at the floor)

anyway this is nix stumbleduck (she/they), deep gnome thief

there is still something about the gnome proportions in this game that bugs me tho (i think their hands and heads seem slightly too big? idk, but it is kinda fun to be tiny and sneaky. plus rogue bonuses are RIDICULOUS, like if you're used to playing druids or bards, and you switch to fighters/rogues who are very good at one thing, it's like oh yeah, being a specialist can also be good. tho i do miss turning into an owlbear- unrelated- do the gnomes shapechange proportionally or is it all the one model? kinda think it'd be funny if you turned into a very small owlbear but just as heavy as a regular sized one, kinda how strength works in the discworld where smaller beings like gnomes and dwarves are very concentrated in strength)

[mooooonnnzz]

i would LOVEEE an older sibling reader x mable and dipper (platonic obv). maybe like 3 or 4 years older than them ? just reader trying to wrangle them and make sure they don’t get killed 😭 gender neutral reader if possible pls !! love your writing !! <3

By Your Side

Dipper Pines x Sibling!Reader/Mable Pines x Sibling!Reader

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ 3,2k words

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ my FIRST dipper and mable sibling fic/request GAHH i had sm fun writing this i love these two sm

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ reader is gender neutral + is constantly stressed 24/7

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ requests are open!

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ if you wanna be added to my taglist, comment or dm me!

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ i originally wasn't gonna post 2nite since i was working on another fic n i knew i wasnt gonna finish in time so i brewed this up quickly! eenjoooy :p

 ♫ Being Mable’s and Dipper’s older sibling comes with its perks, alongside some faults. Since you’re the oldest, you’re constantly looking out for danger they might accidentally fall in. Especially in Gravity Falls. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t partially relieved that you were leaving just because you didn’t need to fret over the thought of losing your siblings. But during your stay in Gravity Falls was a game of chase. You’re trailing after them like a hawk and they keep running away, adventure and mystery in their minds while you’re freaking out of the idea of a possible broken bone. Speeding through the woods in a golf cart, you’re following Mabel’s cries that echo throughout the woods. “This is insane.” You tell yourself, seeing a dip in the road you were following. “Dipper, hold onto something!” You warn, gripping onto the wheel as you dive down into the cave. The wheels bump and smash into rocks, rattling the golf cart as you drive through gravel and comically large stones. You see Mable trying to shake off the gnomes that were climbing up her body in an effort to push her down to the ground and tie her down. “My boyfriend turned out to be a bunch of gnomes!” She kicks on right in the stomach. He rolls up into the and lands to the ground, leaning on a tree he vomits rainbows on the floor. “Gnomes? Huh, I was way off…” Dipper mutters to himself, scanning through his journal. 

♫ Your eyes read the page once he lands on the gnome page. “Weakness, UNKNOWN?” Your head bolts up to see Mable already tied to the floor, some gnomes standing on top of her while others are surrounding her. You approach the tiny gnome and confront him. He chortles awkwardly. “This is all just one big misunderstanding! She’s just marrying all one thousand of us and becoming our gnome queen for all of eternity.” He tells you cooly, as if this was something that normally happened here. “Isn’t that right, honey?” He looks over to Mable. “You guys are buttfaces!” A gnome next to her slapped her mouth shut. “Give us back our sister now, or else!” Dipper threatens with a shovel. The gnome goes on this whole rant on how he’s a powerful race and Dipper scoops him up with the shovel and throws him off to the side. Taking your chance, you kick all the gnomes away from Mable and rip the bindings off of her. Grabbing her hand, you pull her into the golf cart. “Seatbelt.” Dipper says as he buckles himself, looking at you and Mable’s seat belt to see if you were wearing them. You backed out of the cave and started speeding out of the woods. 

 ♫ That soon sped to be a rapid chase of cat and mouse. The gnomes binded themselves together and formed a huge gnome that was now chasing you through the forest. A few gnomes flew out of their form and onto Dipper and Mable. Mable was fortunate enough to shake hers off, but Dipper was struggling with his. “Don’t worry, I got you Dipper!” She began throwing mean punches at the gnome and Dipper. The gnome flew off Dipper’s face, taking his hat with him. You glance over to see Dipper’s face all bruised up. “Dipper! Your face.” You screech, sharply turning. Mable teeters out of the car and you grab her quickly, pulling her in. “Dipper’s face is okay. Nothing like a little glitter won’t fix it!” Reaching into her pockets, she throws a puff of glitter. Some glitter gets into your eyes, obstructing your view. “Mable!” Dipper reaches for the wheel and begins steering the cart while you try ridding your eyes of the glitter. The gnomes rip a tree from the ground and launch it forward, it lands right in front of you, a few inches away. “Look out!” Mable warns. “Look out for what?” Your eyelids shakily open and Dipper turns the cart quickly, causing it to spin out of control and fall on its side. You crawl out of the cart and immediately cover Dipper and Mable. The gnome goes on a rant about how he's going to take Mable and force her to marry him. With convincing from Mable, you allow her to take the lead. Her smart thinking saved you and Dipper from the evil gnomes and you hugged it out which led to you scolding them, but in the end you made it out safe with the twins perfectly fine. Although, a tad bit of bruising from Dipper.  

♫ “You shouldn’t worry so much about the twins, kid.” Stan offers a light pat to your shoulder, sipping his pitt cola. “I mean I have to, Grunkle Stan. Just yesterday Mable almost became queen to these gnomes! Like, unwillingly. And…!” You’re gesturing wildly as you speak, being extremely passionate about how they stupidly manage to find themselves in danger's palm every single time. Once you finish your wild rant, Grunkle Stan is staring at you with a troubled expression. “Are you sure you’re alright, kid?” His grip on your shoulder tightens and you realize how utterly ridiculous you sound explaining yesterday’s events to some senile old man who only believes what is shown to him on TV. You slide a hand down your face, a stressed out groan expelling from your throat. “Is this how Dipper feels when he tries to tell you his stupid scary experiences in the woods?” You watch as Grunkle Stan smiles, laughing heartily at what you said. “It runs in the family.” He said with a laugh, giving your shoulder a rough shake before walking off into the gift shop. 

♫ Legend of the Gobblewonker seriously stressed you out. You were practically on your knees, begging to join Stan on his shabby boat rather than Soos “yacht” to catch a monster that doesn’t actually exist. Dipper was way too passionate about getting the photos he needed to win the prize money and shove it in everyone’s face that there are weird things going on here. And Mable just wanted her stupid human sized hamster ball. “We can go Gobblewanker hunting on Stan’s boat!” You try to reason as they both clicked their life vests on. “It’s actually Gobblewonker, [Name].” Dipper corrected you, stuffing a camera under his hat. “I like Gobblewanker better.” Mable laughs, throwing a bag of cameras over her shoulder. “What? So you guys are going to leave?” Dipper and Mable hop into Soos’s boat, and before they speed off, Soos yells; “Don’t worry, dude! I’ll keep them safe!” You gripped your hair in anger. “Guess it’s just you and me, kid.” Stan hunkered two fishing rods on his shoulder and stepped into his boat. He set everything up and looked at you with an expectant look. “Did they really abandon me like that?” You were still in shock. Your brain replaying the moment where Dipper and Mable were cheering in the back as Soos sailed off into the unknown. “You get used to it.” He shrugs. 

♫ Spending half the day fishing with Grunkle Stan wasn’t too bad. He mostly distracted you for the most part, keeping you entertained with jokes and outrageous stories from the past. But when silence came and Grunkle Stan wasn’t talking your ear off, your mind wandered to all the scenarios that could be happening to Dipper and Mable while you’re sitting on a boat, surprisingly enjoying your time with your Grunkle Stan. “Grunkle Stan?” Your voice wavers with anxiety. “Yes?” He grunt frustratingly when a fish swims past his bait. “Could you be so nice to your poor old Grunkle and try reeling in a fish for me?” His head jerks to your discarded fishing rod that was propped up on the boat. “Yeah, sure?” You grab a fishing rod, attach the bait and cast your reel. “Back to what I was saying—“ “ —How’s school going for ya?” He shoots you a questioning look before looking back to where his bait was casted. “Uh,” Did he cut you off on purpose? “School is great.” You scramble for words to say. “It’s my senior year!” You tell him rather enthusiastically. “Senior year, really? I coulda sworn you were in fifth grade.” You gently nudge his arm with your shoulder. “Your grandpa's brain is failing you.” You chuckle, feeling something tug on your fishing rod. You gasp as it pulls you forward. “Grunkle Stan, what do I do?!” Stan forgets all about his fishing rod and tells you to reel it in and he shows you a quick reenacting montage of how you’re supposed to do it. Following exactly what he says, you pull out a really big fish. “What fish is that?” You pant out. You put all your strength and energy into getting that fish and it seems like it paid off. He tells you the type before complimenting you with a; “Good catch, kid!” Stan unhooks the fish from the rod and marvels at the large fish. 

♫ Soos comes back with Dipper and Mable but their big boat is now just torn apart and very slowly sinking. You had to hold back a scream because there was no way that this is the condition Soos brings them back in. Dipper and Mable reconcile with Stan and before jumping in, they look at you. Mable bottom lip trembles and her eyes fill up with tears. Dipper has his head hung low, his cap covering his eyes and he’s sadly rubbing his hands together, almost akin to a fly…Their whole weird act made you forget the reason why you were upset in the first place. “What is this, what are you guys doing?” You look at Stan who’s as lost as you are. “We’re sorry, [Name]!” Mable lunges off the boat and into your arms, very dramatically and hugs your stomach tightly. “Sorry for what?” You laughed out, watching Dipper follow in suit. “For leaving you and Grunkle Stan behind.” He said, hugging your side and squishing his cheek into your shoulder. “Oh! I wasn’t expecting you goblins to actually apologize.” You ruffle Mable’s hair, gaining a peeved “Hey!” from her but she makes no effort to swat your hand away. “Dipper told me not to tell you but,” She rose up and stood on the seat of the boat, whispering in your ear how Dipper was on the brink of tears earlier but he didn’t want you to know that because it’ll ruin his tough man bravado. 

♫ A laugh escapes you and Dipper is staring at you knowingly, his cheeks flushed red. “A stick went in my eye! That’s why I was crying!” He defended, his voice all squeaky from embarrassment. “Not you using Grunkle Stan’s excuse.” Stan moved from his spot from the mention of him. “Hey, don’t tell them that now.” He crosses his hands over his chest. “It’s not an excuse! I don’t cry and when I do, I have something in my eye.” The rest of the day was you bonding with everyone, fishing and taking photos with the last camera that survived their adventure. And speaking of their adventure, you properly scolded them for leaving you to the dust without any supervision. Soos interjected and said that he was good at taking care of them himself, and you weren’t going to lie, he did keep them in one piece, but you don’t like how he encourages their wild behavior. You soon realized that Stan was making a huge effort to make sure you weren’t constantly thinking about the twins, you had an inkling in your gut and it was nice to be proved right. Stan doesn't really tell you and the twins how much he cares and loves you but he sure tells you by his actions. The little self made hats he made for the fishing trip spoke the truth in your words. 

♫ “[Name]! We’re going to a haunted convenience store with Wendy and her friends, just wanted to tell you! Okay, byyeee!” Mable scampered off into the hallway, leaving you in your bed stunned for a few minutes. Shaking your head, you sprung up from your bed and chased after Mable. You caught her wrist before she got the chance to leap outside and leave. “You’re what?” You need her to repeat what she said moments prior just so you can think about your next course of actions. “We’re going to a haunted convenience store.” She said so casually you thought you were mishearing the word haunted in her sentence. “Haunted convenience store?” You repeat slowly. “Yeah! You wanna come with?” Mable grins so widely at the thought of you tagging along. “Why don’t you and Dipper stay home and let the teens do their own things?” You suggest with a strained smile. It’s always something with these two… Mable frowned. “You don’t want to spend time with us?” She’s doing her sad puppy eyes and unluckily for you, her big sad eyes tug at your heartstrings a little too much for your liking. “We can do something else together, Mable.” You tell her in hopes that’ll convince her and change her mind but her display of utter dramatics doesn’t falter. She’s still looking at you with those eyes and that little pout to her lip. Screwing your eyes shut, you let out a defeated sigh. “Is there room for one more?” You dryly said. Mable cheers from the top of her lungs and pulls you along to where one of Wendy’s friends' van is parked.

♫  “Guys! Guys!” Mable jumped up and down. “Can [Name] join us?” She’s already pulling you into the backseat with Dipper who had his arms crossed around his chest moodily. “Of course!” Wendy smiled. “We love having you tag with, [Name].” Tambry said it with little no emotion that you doubted the validity of her words. “[Name], what are you doing here?” Dipper whispered, his tone having a bit of agitation to it. “I’m here because Mable told me you guys were going to a haunted convenience store.” You say as you buckle your seatbelt. “Mable!” Dipper threw his arms out in exasperation. “What? They had to know.” Mable stated as if it was obvious. “And thank you for telling me, Mable. Because if it wasn’t for you, someone would be doing things he shouldn’t be doing.” You send a look over to Dipper who clicked his tongue at you in annoyance. “Dipper is acting like this because he’s embarrassed you’re here with his GIRLFRI–” Dipper’s arm reaches over you and pops Mable in the mouth. “Girlfriend?” You pinch your brows in confusion. “Dipper has a girlfriend?” You give Mable a curious look. “No, not yet at least.” She says slyly as Dipper retracts his hand from Mable’s mouth in disgust. She definitely licked his palm. “Who?” Mable slaps her hands on the side of your face and directs it to where Wendy was sitting. You gasp, looking over to Dipper whose cheeks are flushed with a pink color. “No!” You dramatically yelled. “Do you guys have to be so loud!” Dipper complained, grabbing the sides of his hat and tugging it down to cover his red face. “You do know she’s older than you, Dipper?” You mention. Dipper grumbled, choosing to ignore what you said. 

♫ Arriving at the convenient store, Dipper decides to show off to Wendy how cool he can actually be and unlocked the door from the inside. Entering the store, you carefully smacked Dipper in the head. He is trying so hard to appeal to her and it’s really embarrassing to watch. That was really the whole vibe the entire time you were there, you were making sure Mable wasn’t doing anything stupid and you were just watching Dipper try super hard for Wendy’s friends to like them. “Oh my gosh, smile dip!” Mable picked up a pack and held it up in the air. “I thought this stuff was banned in america!” She sat down on the floor, smiling gleefully at the pack of candy. “Maybe it was for a good reason?” Dipper got thrown a balloon full of cheese to the face. He laughed, running over to where the fight was happening to join in. You were going to ask if Mable was actually going to eat candy that has been sitting in this convenience store for who knows how long, but this is mable you’re talking about, of course she’d eat it. Ripping open the packet, she grabbed the candy stick and dipped it in the candied powder. She eyed the powdery stick for a second. In a quick swoosh, she dumped all the dip into her mouth. “Don’t eat too much of these, Mable.” You tell her. “I won’t!” Clouds of glitter poofed out of her mouth when she spoke. You couldn’t quite pinpoint where everything went wrong, but always in this town, something went wrong which led to a ball of events unraveling. Mable was floating up in the air, being used as a vessel from one of the ghosts that possessed the store that locked you and everyone else inside. “Hey, ghost!” Dipper pointed at the ghost. “Yes?” The ghost eerily turned over to Dipper. “I’ve got something to tell you.” The ghost lifted Dipper from the floor. “I’m not a teenager!” You turn over to Wendy. “Did he tell you that he was a teenager?” Wendy let out a shy laugh. “Yeah, he told me that Mable and him were thirteen. Technically teenagers.” You slapped a hand on your forehead, laughing with Wendy. “He’s ridiculous.” 

♫ After recovering from your laughter, you turned your attention back to Dipper who adorned a horrendously cute lamb costume. Recognition washes over you at seeing getting into the lamby lamby dance position. “When Dipper was younger, he used to do this cute dance all the time in his little lamb costume he was obsessed with.” Wendy awe’s. Dipper dances and sings the lamby lamby dance. The ghosts, satisfied with Dipper’s performance, lift his curse. After grouping up, Wendy told a quick rundown of what happened while everyone was out, excluding the part where he had to sing in a lamb costume. Dipper was praised for being brave while on the way out to the car. “How’s your stomach feeling?” You look over your shoulder to see Mable who was lying limp on your back. “It huuurtsss…” She burped sparks of glitter. “Woah!” You laughed. “This is the last time I’m ever going to eat sweet stuff ever again…” You knew she was going to lay off the candy for like two days before rummaging in the fridge for icy pops. Taking Mable off your back, you placed her on the chair and buckled her seatbelt. She flopped against the window, groaning as she held her stomach. Dipper came climbing in a moment after, a pleased smile on his face. “What’s got you looking so happy with yourself?” Dipper’s smile grew. “Wendy wants to hang out with me!” He vibrated with excitement. “You really think you have a chance with her?” Dipper’s smile never wavered, too caught up in the high knowing his crush invited him to more potential hangouts. “Shh, no more talking.” Mable lazily slapped your arm. “You guys talking makes my stomach hurt.” 

Taglist: @boredwithlifeatthispoint, @lovexsage, @teddycricketdream, @theilluminatidragonqueen, @raventeen@cedarmoonzz

[lakemojave]

So for those who might not know I've been streaming this co op run of Baldur's Gate 3 with my friends--there's 4 of us, which means no room for NPCs in the overland party, but lots of space for our own silly RP. We've been coming up with a great story for these 4 so far, but we try and weave in the NPCs here and there (one of us is romancing Lae'zel, and our Dark Urge had a big interaction with Wyll). However the most insane thing thus far has been with the character we've addressed the least: Gale.

Early in the playthrough, our paladin said he had no new magic items for Gale to consume. Due to a bug, this made Gale so upset that he left the party permanently. No big deal, right? Well, soon enough that same paladin gets the ability to summon Shovel the Quasit, whom he promptly named New Gale.

Good times so far. In our 8th episode we actually took New Gale with us to the underdark quests with the Duergar and the mines and such, and despite having poor attack options and seven hit points, he rolled very well and survived nearly every combat. The same cannot be said for the rest of us that session--we had numerous speech check errors and TPKs that meant we had to reload several save states. A convenient, in universe explanation? Well, a wizard did it. THE wizard did it. New Gale can send us back in time, I guess.

So we had fun and kept the bit going until, about 2 hours in, we face off with a bunch of magma mephits in the underforge. No big deal, except they explode when they die and two of them are surrounding New Gale. Our monk, not realizing that New Gale would take lethal fall damage if thrown like 30 feet away, threw New Gale like 30 feet away, killing him instantly. Such an amazing streak ended by friendly fire.

New Gale was too good a bit to let die so easily though. The very next session, we used a hireling mechanic to summon a gnome wizard to hang around our camp, who we decided was New Gale's reincarnation. We haven't taken him into battle onscreen, but we've kept the bit up so much that his time loop powers are actually canon to our party's made up story (check out episode 12 for that, I won't spoil it here). However, recently we realized that we can put this hireling gnome in the mirror that changes your appearance and/or name. We call him whatever we want in game. So now we have this fucking guy hanging around our camp all the time and I have to stop myself from howling with laughter every single time.

[y-rhywbeth2]

Also on the elflore end of things: Beauty and life are inherently intwined in the elven philosophical outlook. And Cazador's interest in paintings is an odd one. Elves are obsessed with aesthetic and art because art and its creation is the whole purpose of life or something, but they don't do paintings because they're too transient and the pigment fades incredibly fast from an elven perspective.

'The primary reason this form of artistry isn't practiced among the Tel'Quessir is its rapid degeneration and transience. To most elves, art embraces life, and [pigment] barely lasts as long as an elf's adolescence, thereby rendering less than true art in their eyes.'

The other elven vampires seem to indulge in 'acceptable' artforms. Dalyria's obsession with medical science? Acceptable, especially since she's passionate about it. Violet, from behaviour and possible evidence in Reithwin, is a bard, combining the most prized artforms of magic and music. Astarion, whose primary animation is/was reading and quotes things seems to enjoy literature and poetry, which is also highly ranked even if it's a poor substitute for music. (I imagine Yousen is on a similar boat, gnomes value life and artistry and make it the heart of their culture just like elves do.)

Cazador has chosen the artform that 'dies.' Or he's bragging about how he can afford to keep having the paintings retouched or putting protection magics on them, either way keeping the 'dying' expression of life on life-support, inorganically trapped in a sort of undead-art in a way that's narratively appropriate for a vampire I suppose. I wonder if his spawn are judging him.

(The in-game stuff isn't actually this deep, but I have a shovel.)

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Context: We have a guest player (Gnome Druid) who has never played with the other players before. Two of them are *extremely* goofy.

Gnome Druid: (Looks at Tiefling Paladin and Elf Ranger, currently arguing about if a flaming shovel or a flaming chain is a more effective weapon)

Dragonborn Fighter: Yeah, this is normal.

GD, to DF: I do not envy you.

[reader-lola]

Imagine:

Inside a video of the Sturniolo triplets:

(I've changed some small dialogue)

I had been Matt's girlfriend for two years. For five months I had been living with him and his brothers in L.A while she was studying at university. It was quite common therefore for me to appear in some of their videos, even more so when they were blogging about their days. ___________________📹______________

N: Oh god, I wish I had a pumpkin spice drink. Nick speaks while crouching while stirring the leaves on the ground. T/N: Or a pumpkin punch. - I try to imitate an exaggerated feminine pose following Nick's joke. The triplets' laughter resonates. Suddenly we see Matt with a shovel making the gesture of hitting us with it. N: Oh my god, what is that? ___________________📹______________ N: Last time I was here, I couldn't walk down this road because there was a turkey in the middle of the road. And I was like “Oh my god” C: What did you do when the turkey crossed the road? T/N: Does anyone find it strange that there was a turkey on this road? M: I just want to know Nick’s reaction when he saw that turkey. Would he run away? ___________________📹______________ M: This is like a Sturniolo aesthetic movie. T/N: To me it seems more like the path of a horror movie. – I approach the camera and whisper – Four teenagers disappear in the middle of a forest, no one knows where they are and there are no traces of them. In four days their bodies will be found…CHANCHANCHAN M: Honey, you give me chills. N: I don’t know, I think there are incredible views here. Follow me ___________________📹______________ C: Guys, what would we do if we saw Big Foot fucking a bear? T/N: I think it would be very unlikely to find Big Foot here. But I would definitely take a picture of it and sell it to a newspaper. N: I don't know what that pornographic detail was about and I'm grateful I don't have your mind. But why the hell did you answer that so quickly? -Matt's laughter resonates over his voice T/N: I don't know, it was what occurred to me N: It wasn't just an "Imagine Big Foot" no no, "Imagine Big Foot riding a bear." And the girl only thought of taking a picture to sell it to newspapers. My God ___________________📹______________ M: You know what, love? T/N: Tell me M: There's a creature living in that hole T/N: Like a gnome or a goblin? M: Probably. Look, if you look closely, they've covered that hole with leaves with the intention that we don't see it C: Do you really believe that? T/N: I don't doubt it C: Although it could also be a rat M: Don't take away the girl's illusion- He says, hitting her on the arm ___________________📹______________ C: Hold on to the camera for a moment, I'm going to try something N: You're holding on to it as if you were really going to get it out.- Chris pulls on the branch until he finally manages to get it out- oh my god T/N: Now get on top and fly to Hogwarts

[vespertin-y]

OKAY I FINALLY WATCHED GRAVITY FALLS. TEN YEARS LATE I KNOW. i was expecting to have to power through a bunch of boring kid stuff to get to the actual interesting drama and i was so so wrong i locked tf in and finished it in two days. it's so good what the actual fuck. heres my thoughts on the main characters

mabel: when i was the actual target audience for this show i saw a bit of mabel while flipping through disney XD and i immediately concluded that she was annoying af and i would never watch this show because of her. i would like to repent for this evil evil take by flinging myself belly down onto shattered glass. MABEL MY BABY GIRL...if they ever put her in another Situation or Scenario ill kill someone fr. she's a little too selfish and a little too pushy sure but so genuinely KIND and SWEET and so willing to make a fool of herself to pull her dumb brother out of his head. that unicorn doesn't know jack i hope she gets everything she wants forever

dipper: if i had watched gf as a kid i would have been in very real danger of naming myself after this guy (which doesn't even work bc im not nearly as cool as him!! the woodland creatures would have eaten my ass). it would've been so easy to give him a generic gaining confidence arc but he is never a coward when it really matters and i think that's great. he may not be able to talk to a girl but he can and will beat a gnome to death with a shovel for touching his sister!!! also yeah he is extremely transgender.

stan: OUUUUUGH. STARTS SOBBING. stanley pines the man that you are. i assumed at first that his plot would be about Learning To Love but no he is 100% on board with being the world's best grunkle from minute one. he definitely fucks up sometimes (putting waddles outside comes to mind as does. The Other Thing) but he always tries his very best to fix it. every action he takes just oozes with care for his family. every time i thought he had a motivation that wasn't his family they pulled the rug out from under me and revealed that it was, in fact, just his family again. he would give everything for them. AND HE LITERALLY DOES??? im gonna vomit. he hand stitched fishing hats 😭😭😭

wendy: definitely my least favorite of the main cast im sorry wendyheads...i just feel like there isn't a lot to get into here. every time they imply there's something more going on with her or her family they just snap her right back into The Coolest Girl In The World which might be fun but it's not that interesting.

soos: SOOS MY FRIEND SOOS!!!! i wobbled on him during the middle of the show bc i felt like they were making him Genuinely Dumb instead of just a good babysitter but they pulled his characterization back around by the end i think. he is like me in that he would also die for the mystery twins without hesitation or regret 💖. a lesser show would've been really mean about soos but gf is BASED and SOOSPILLED so he gets what he deserves. he does not have to lose weight or drop his "childish" interests or stop living with his grandma to WIN AT LIFE. awesome girlfriend! dream job! big house! stan using that boat to hunt down his bio dad and kill him, probably!

ford: ill be honest and admit i hated this guy at first but eventually i learned to live laugh love about his massive incredibly fragile ego ruining everything all the time and now i am a big ford enjoyer. what a FREAK oh my god. he believed his journals to be capable of destroying the world and still refused to destroy them because they're His Life's Work????? he had the painfully obvious option to tell bill he didn't know the equation and stall for time and chose instead to say that OBVIOUSLY he knows it he's the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE he's just not TELLING YOU 😤 and then immediately got tortured????? he spent most of his screentime projecting his relationship issues onto an Actual Child?????????? he needs to go to therapy and learn he's not the main character of the universe but he will not be doing that so i can only hope the boat fixes him. if i was stanley i'd've fed him to the shapeshifter.

bill: SIGH. YES OKAY HE'S MY FAVORITE. I KNOW I'M FUCKING PREDICTABLE DON'T @ ME. i spent 90% of his screentime cracking up and the other 10% making Homosexual Detection Eyebrows at my brother! the ideal ratio!!!!! i can't wait to get my hands on the book so i can poor little meowmeow him more efficiently. i knew i was saving that barnes & noble gift card for something important.

[colorfullyminded]

How do you think a meeting between Dipper and a 100% real gnome! Wirt would go?

Honestly?

Considering the history of gnomes and the twins, I imagine it's a pretty rocky start? Also you mean like 100% as in actual gnome size, and not like-- gnome king!Wirt, correct? Cause if Wirt is normal, human size, Dipper's gonna need a bigger shovel. (I was once working on a gnome king au-- but i never finished, and decided to delete the ao3 due to the fact I was not going to return to the fic again. But even in that au-- things weren't as they seemed.)

[cordycepsbian]

in our specific high fantasy world we like to play with where "human" is more a certain shape a mammal can be than a species, gnomes are rodents that are closely related to blind mole rats but are eusocial like naked mole rats. they still have weird looking outie teeth even though they don't dig with their mouths anymore since they have advanced technology such as shovels now

[saintsenara]

happy birthday ginny, here's a fic with you and both of your dark-haired orphan simps.

Nerve

When she was five, Auntie Muriel had given her as a birthday present a small china figurine of a cow.

And, since she was five, and all she wanted to do was ride brooms and fall out of trees and throw gnomes at Percy, she had laughed derisively the second she opened the gift and called it ‘a bit rubbish’.

Mum had been furious, and the telling-off Ginny had received - as Muriel stormed out of the house with her nose in the air, ‘Weasley children are ungrateful whelps, the lot of them’ ringing around the Burrow - had managed to impress upon her an important lesson: no matter how shit a present is, pretend you like it.

---

- and Percy got a brand new owl when he was made a prefect, and that happened the day before I turned ten, but I didn’t get anything new that day, it was all second hand. Except my Auntie Muriel gave me a box of drawing pins. But who wants a thing like that?

That sounds ghastly.

It was! Obviously I wasn’t rude. I just -

I know it sounds really silly, but I just want my own things. I want to be special. I want everyone to notice me. Nobody notices me.

That doesn’t sound silly at all.

You’re sweet :) 

---

The lesson had held for ten years. It was fracturing today, as she turned fifteen and unwrapped Fleur’s gift to her - presented with a beatific, ‘I ‘ope you will like ‘ow it stops you being so - ‘ow you say - disorganised’ - and saw the embossed scarlet leather cover, her initials on it in gold, of an extremely beautiful and obviously stupendously expensive diary.

‘Oh,’ said Ginny.

Fleur seemed happy enough with that, leaning into Bill’s arm - wrapped around her shoulders - with a contented (read: smug) look on her face. Harry and Ron were both shovelling birthday cake into their mouths, but Hermione was looking at her with the sort of stricken, wobbly expression which made Ginny nervous.

‘Cheers. It’s great,’ she said to Fleur, in an effort to communicate to Hermione that she needed to keep fucking quiet and not bring up my previous diary-related fuck-ups at the dinner table. Fortunately she got the hint, although Ginny knew there’d be plenty of whispered nagging about whether she’d ‘properly dealt with everything’ later.

But she couldn’t help staring at Bill, as if to say, ‘thanks for not spilling my most embarrassing secret during your pillow talk’ and ‘hey, you know how there’s a war on? Maybe you should tell your fiancée that your sister was fucking possessed by You-Know-Who for a full year, so she knows exactly what sort of mess she’s getting into.’

He just looked at his cake instead.

---

- and I told mum I didn’t want a victoria sponge cake. But she made one anyway, because it’s dad’s favourite. But it was my birthday. I wanted a chocolate cake.

Does that make me sound really spoiled?

It does, doesn’t it?

What kind of birthday cakes did you have, when you were my age?

I have never had a birthday cake.

WHAT?

How???

I was born in an orphanage. That’s a Muggle institution for children whose parents are dead. There was hardly enough to go around normally. Birthdays were out of the question.  

Oh.

I’m sorry.

I survived.

Harry’s an orphan as well.

Is he indeed?

---

‘I’m so sorry,’ said Hermione later, bustling around Ginny’s room brandishing a hairbrush like a wand. ‘The nerve of her! She had no right to do something like that.’

‘She didn’t know.’

‘But Bill should have told her.’

‘Yeah. Maybe.’

Hermione sat on the end of Ginny’s bed and looked at her earnestly. ‘You can say if you’re upset, you know.’

‘It’s fine.’

‘I mean, I’ve never thought you’ve ever properly dealt with everything, and I -’

‘I said it’s fine, Hermione. For fuck’s sake, give it a rest.’

---

Hermione was still in a mood the following morning.

The diary sat on Ginny’s bedside table, the cover shimmering softly at her.

‘I suppose the colour was meant to be nice - Gryffindor, you know - but it’s just ended up being another cruelty,’ sniffed Hermione, when she’d decided she was no longer angry with Ginny and she ought to have another go at nagging her about her life.

‘What d’you mean?’ said Ginny, round a mouthful of chocolate frog.

Hermione looked at her as if she was as dumb as Goyle. (Ginny could see why quite a few people didn’t like her). ‘Well, it’s like his eyes. Isn’t it?’

She looked so convinced she was onto something that Ginny didn’t have the heart to tell her that her him had eyes the same polished tortoiseshell brown as Hermione’s own.

---

I could make him a valentine’s card, couldn’t I?

You could.

I could say he has nice eyes. He does have nice eyes.

So you’ve said.

They’re very green. I could say that. ‘You have very green eyes.’

That’s not very romantic, is it?

I could say, ‘you have eyes so green they’re like…’

I dunno.

A fresh pickled toad.

Or an emerald.

Pick the emerald.

I like the toad.

Pick the emerald.

They aren’t emerald green, though. They’re fresh pickled toad green.

I just think -

I’m going to say that his eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad.

Or do you think he’d hate that? 

I think you should say his eyes are like emeralds.

He will hate it, won’t he?

Would it matter if he did?

YES.

Picture me rolling my eyes.

Tom. I’d DIE.

Imagine if he laughed at it. 

And if he didn’t?

That isn’t possible.

Ginny.

Anything is possible if you’ve got enough nerve.

---

She dropped a blob of ink onto the page and waited for the inevitable.

She realised she had been staring at it for hours when mum called her down for dinner.

---

She could never have explained to the other three why nothing happening was as much of a disappointment as a relief.

They were bound together so tightly you’d have thought they were one-and-the-same. It didn’t seem to occur to them that their friendship was abnormal. Or, maybe, that hers were. That, maybe, it isn’t normal for a fifteen-year-old to not see her boyfriend all summer, or not to have friends visit, or not to Floo off for house-parties and trips to Diagon Alley. That, maybe, her position in a clique of ‘popular’ girls was tenuous, something light and meaningless and easily discarded.

That, maybe, the best friend she’d ever had was a piece of disembodied soul which had very nearly succeeded in killing her.

---

I don’t think anyone understands me like you.

You’re my best friend in the whole world :) 

I’m delighted to hear that. The feeling is mutual.

Now. I need you to do me a favour.

Anything :)

You will walk down to the gamekeeper’s hut.

I will walk down to the gamekeeper’s hut.

---

‘I don’t think Harry will get back together with Cho,’ said Hermione one evening.

Ginny snorted. ‘Yeah, obviously. He fucked that right up.’

‘Dean’s nice.’

Ginny tried to ignore the jittery feeling in her stomach. ‘Yeah. Yeah, he’s brill.’

Fortunately Hermione was already yawning into her pillow. ‘Did you have a nice birthday, by the way?’

‘Yeah.’

There was a brightly-coloured bang from outside.

Hermione jumped up, brandishing her wand. ‘What on earth was that?’

---

I wish I was with mum and dad for Christmas. On New Year’s Eve we always have hot chocolate and watch the fireworks from the village. You can see them really well from our garden.

I spent all evening crying. And now I can’t sleep. 

Are you awake?

Is it New Year’s Eve today?

Yes.

Ah.

It doesn’t feel very festive though.

Go to the North Tower, and - just before the Divination classroom - you will see a painting of three house elves wearing a trench coat. Poke the middle one on the nose and the painting will swing open to reveal a window. Climb through the window and you will find yourself on a flat bit of roof, with an uninterrupted view towards Hogsmeade. At midnight, there will be fireworks to celebrate the new year. 

But there will be nobody else around, and they will feel as though they are for you.

---

‘Relax, Hermione. It’s just someone letting off fireworks.’

‘God. I thought it was the Dark Mark or something. Honestly, who lets off fireworks in the middle of August?’

‘You never know. Maybe they’re for me.’

[fat-fuck-hairy-belly]

Started rewatching Gravity Falls for the first time since it aired and I completely forgot how ride or die the Pines siblings are. Some creature is coming after my sister? Gonna grab a shovel and bash it's head in. Some gnomes are threatening my brother? Gonna grab a leaf blower and literally send those bastards flying. No hesitation, no questions asked. Love them.

Also crazy how much foreshadowing there is about Bill in just the first episode that I completely missed the first time.

[princess-of-the-corner]

Layer 2 to Damian x Mabel "both sides are getting absolutely insane shovel talks:"

They're gonna have to endure this shit multiple times because each of them have groups of independently dangerous people that care about their strange child, but don't really hang out with the kids' other friends.

So while Mabel is getting kidnapped by all the bats (probably split into at least 3 different groups), the league of assassins, Damian's Teen Titans gen, probably some people from Tim's Titans gen that were really fond of him, multiple members of the rogues gallery, etc.

Damian gets hunted down and somehow meaningfully threated by the Pines men, Soos and Wendy, Candy and Grenda, the gnomes, Gideon, Pacifica, anyone she's ever made a sweater for, and assorted other Gravity Falls creatures that are fond of her.

By shovel talk number 3, Mabel is knitting matching "I've already been threatened by my BF/GF's scary friends and family" sweaters, and Damian is training her on how to effectively escape kidnapping on her own and putting EVEN MORE trackers in all her clothes. Dipper's string theory board has been deliciously updated and he now believes he is fighting warring vampire covens with possibly a werewolf pack and an alien invasion thrown in (he is going to be both very overprepared and remarkably dangerous once he can finally manage a solid confrontation). All the comics characters are trying to corner the JLD for an explanation on what the fuck happened in Gravity Falls, but all of them are suspiciously unreachable. Stan and Ford just start carrying guns again and shooting at Damian's threatening friends and family like hillbillies shoot at possums.

It gets wild lmao

[thebananaiscold]

anyone else have a favorite kitchen utensil? Like Forks, Spoons, Knives, Sporks. Mines probably Spoons (specifically teaspoons) because they remind me of lil shovels, but shovels for small gnomes. On a side note, if you choose spork….. why……who hurt you?

[the-french-belphegor]

I finished another fic for the @critter-genfic-events's bingo card! "Beach day", this time. I swear I did mean it to be funny and only funny, but then it was also Vox Machina post-campaign, so "Missing someone" ended up being A Thing. Plus "Found family" because that's unavoidable when Grog and his gnomes are concerned 💜

I'll be posting this on AO3 shortly here if you prefer to read on AO3!

—

Grog wiggles sand between his toes and squints at the Marquet sun shining through a passing cloud.

“Oh man,” he hears Scanlan sigh from the chaise lounge thing next to him, “this is the life.”

Meh, Grog thinks, just a little.

Sure, it’s a nice day out, and it’s great that they finally got everyone for a little vacation weekend in the Bay of Gifts – even Keyleth, who’s very busy being leaderly, and even Vex and Percy, who have their hands full with Whitestone but mostly with little Vesper. (Grog still calls her ‘Whisper’, because it became A Thing, and to be fair she’s a fairly quiet kid, in his meagre experience.) Now the girl is napping with her dad under the shade of the parasol after burying Grog into the sand (with helpful pointers from her mum, her uncle Grog and her auntie Keyleth) and playing in the shallows with her auntie Pike and her uncle Scanlan. That’s a lot of things to do, and the little mite is all tuckered out. So’s mostly everyone, it seems, except for Trinket, who is having fun chasing seagulls in the distance.

And Grog is slowly but surely getting bored.

Of course, that’s the moment his insides choose to give a twinge at the lack of Vax shenanigans. One of the many things Grog misses about the guy is that you’d never get bored when he was around. Sometimes not getting bored meant getting half your beard shaved off or various belongings stolen for a prank, but… well.

Pike, Wilhand and Scanlan all say that it’s normal to still be sad about Vax even now. Privately, Grog wonders if it’s stupid to miss some of the truly infuriating things Vax did, like the beard thing. He has a feeling the answer would be “no”, but there’s no way in hell he’ll ask.

“Hey Pike!” he calls out, mostly to distract himself from the oncoming boredom but also from being sad on what’s supposed to be a fun day out. “Wanna go fight the sea?”

Pike is in the process of gathering Vesper’s discarded beach toys and eyeing Percy – who is currently fast asleep near his daughter – with Vesper’s shovel in her hand and a gleam in her eye. Just as Grog is starting to think pranking Percy might be a good distraction as well, she turns to him and grins.

“Sure, buddies. How d’you wanna do that?”

“I was thinkin’ I could walk into the waves and just, like, not budge. Or put you on my shoulder and then see how far we can go till you get splashed.”

“Okay, yeah, that sounds nice,” she says, nodding. “Scanlan? Wanna come with?”

“Eh,” says Scanlan from under the hat covering his face, “I had my share of the ocean earlier. Might work on my tan for a little bit.”

“Come on,” says Grog, because the first time they took a beach holiday Scanlan wasn’t there and their second trip to Dalen’s Closet was, well, A Lot – way too much to just let loose and have fun afterwards, “I have two shoulders. That’s one for Pike, and one for you. It’s huh. Balance.”

(He’s really proud to be able to say a number and not hesitate even a bit. Long sentences with lots of letters still elude him, but he’s starting to know numbers well.)

One of Scanlan’s eyes peeks out from under the hat, along with a smile.

“Aw, big guy. Okay, for balance then, but on one condition.”

“What’s that?” asks Pike with something sharp in her grin, like she really wants to laugh but she’s saving that for a better moment.

“My hair stays dry.”

“That’s it?” says Grog, eyebrows raised. He was expecting something a lot less simple.

“Yeah, that’s it.”

That sounds pretty fair, so Grog agrees.

So maybe walking into the surf isn’t quite fighting an entire ocean, but the three of them manage to make it fun, just like Grog thought they would. Pike stands on his left shoulder, hanging on to his head, and shouts at every wave just as loud as he does; meanwhile, Scanlan sits on his right shoulder, beating a rhythm on his chest with his toes and humming a vaguely familiar tune. There may be something magical at work there, because Grog is feeling a tingling warmth along his spine and into his ribcage, like they’re in the middle of a battle and Scanlan is singing to give him inspiration. That’s nice of him to do that. Maybe it’ll give Grog and Pike an edge.

(Even wearing no armour at all and with waves rolling up to his chest, Grog always feels just a little invincible with those two on his shoulders.)

“You know what, Grog?” says Pike after a while, settling down on his shoulder and grinning at him, her cheeks red and her chest heaving. “That was really fun. I think we could all do with some screaming at the ocean once in a while.”

“Seconded,” says Scanlan, who didn’t do any shouting and mostly either chilled with his eyes closed or looked at Pike like he does sometimes, all soft eyes and slight smile.

Pike gets the same sort of look every now and then. It’s this kind of little details that tells Grog that one of these days the guest bedroom in Wilhand’s attic might become a real guest bedroom again (that and the fact that dawn often finds Pike and Scanlan tiptoeing out of each other’s room). As long as they keep most of the lovey dovey stuff out of sight Grog is fine with it.

“Well, I’m smart like that,” says Grog with a grin, like a joke where only he knows the punchline. Which is kinda the case, actually, if the joke is The little bits are dating and Grog did notice. “I got lots of good ideas.”

Scanlan leans his back against Grog’s head and nods.

“You sure do, buddy. And you guys definitely win in my book. Eat your heart out, ocean!”

“Hey guys!” They all turn – which means the gnomes have to turn a second time because they’re facing the wrong way now – to the beach, where Vex is standing with her hands cupped around her mouth. “Keyleth says there might be some jellyfish in the water by now, have you seen any yet?”

“Some what?” asks Grog, and promptly steps on something squishy.

It’s like walking into a bramble bush. The sole of his foot is fine, but tendrils sneak up his ankle and fire up a prickling pain that instantly runs up his whole leg. The surprise, more than the actual sting, makes him bark a shout and instinctively jump back, but this is uncomfortable as hell.

His shoulders suddenly feel somewhat lighter. Oh shit, he thinks with a flash of fear, old habits taking over, Scanlan should float but Pike’s in heavy armour, she’ll go straight down—

But they’re on vacation, not adventuring – no weapons, no plate armour, just sun hats and bathing suits. When he whirls around he spots Pike easily treading water not far from his elbow. The waves rolling in towards the beach make her go up and down, but she’s completely unfazed.

“You okay, Grog?” she asks, looking a little startled, and Grog isn’t even sure if that’s from being thrown off her perch or on his account.

“Sure,” says Grog, not that sure. “Except, uh, question. Can people die from jellyfish?”

“Well,” says Pike reasonably, “that depends on the jellyfish. I saw some really big ones on the Broken Howl, like big big. But the ones around here just burn a little.” Then her eyes zero in on something ahead of her and her nose crunches. “Yikes. Yeah, you can tell Vex Keyleth was right, look.”

The first and last time Grog saw a jellyfish, it was in Vesrah. Two kids were poking a small blob with a stick until their father told them to stop. What’s floating close to the surface five feet from them is still a blob, but it’s got long thin tentacly things that look like a bunch of transparent seaweed. They’re trailing underneath like it doesn’t know what to do with them. It’s creepy, and it’s weird to think these are why his ankle and calf are stinging like he kicked through embers without a boot on.

Grog scoops Pike up, holds her up out of the water, and makes his way to the beach, trusting Scanlan to meet them there.

When he’s close enough to talk without shouting, he tells Vex, who’s been watching them curiously, “Yeah, maybe don’t let lil’ Whisper into the water just now. There’s at least a couple of the suckers out there. I even got bit, look.”

“Stung, Grog,” Pike corrects, hanging on tight to his arm to avoid toppling over when he lifts his foot. Oops. “Jellyfish don’t bite.”

Vex throws him a look, complicated and quick – worried-sharp-relieved – then grins.

“You know, I’ve heard you can treat a jellyfish burn by having someone pee on it. Not that I’m volunteering, but perhaps if you ask—”

It’s the way she says it. Something flashes in Grog’s mind, like he’s realised something isn’t right but his brain is taking a while to catch up on what, exactly. (It happens.) It’s not that it’s wrong for her to say that – although in the old days Grog wouldn’t have put it past Vax to bring it up instead – so much as she shouldn’t have been the first to say it.

Fortunately, Pike’s brain works much better and faster than his. Her eyes go wide real quick and she exclaims, “Wait – where’s Scanlan?”

A small sliver of cold creeps its way up Grog’s spine. Oh. Shit.

“Didn’t he swim to shore?”

“He didn’t,” says Vex, tense and sharp once more, but worse, like she used to just before a fight. “I would’ve seen him.”

“Well, he has to be somewhere, he can’t just – oh gods no.”

Pike’s voice goes sideways on the last word like someone tripping and falling down a flight of stairs. Grog looks into the same direction and goes cold all over.

There is a shape bobbing along in the water a little ways behind the waves crashing onto the beach.

Grog runs.

He does kind of end up fighting the sea for real today after all.

When he reaches Scanlan, what feels like the next second but also so much time later, the gnome is floating belly down just under the surface of the water. His arms and legs drift a little in the current, like the jellyfish’s tentacle things did. It looks so much creepier. But not as creepy as the way Scanlan lies completely still when Grog picks him up, arms and legs at odd angles like his limbs and joints are missing strings. Both his eyelids and his lips are a little bit blue.

At least there’s no blood. It would bring back real bad memories if there was blood. Well, it does, because this is not the first time Grog’s carried his second best little buddy cold and lifeless like that, but the absence of blood makes it a bit easier to push those memories away.

Pike takes charge as Grog limps out of the water, white seafoam frothing around his calves. Her face is nearly as pale.

“Lay him down,” she says, her voice steel under the usual warmth, and Grog does. He watches her press her ear to Scanlan’s chest, tip his head back, open his mouth, and blow into it. And look, Grog usually doesn’t like it much when they start getting kissy and too wrapped up in each other, but it’s the last thing he’d mind right now. This is the worst kiss he’s ever seen. He’s not even sure it counts as one.

Pike lays her hands flat on Scanlan’s chest and her arms find a steady rhythm – “…three four five six come on eight nine ten—” and Grog winces when he hears something crack. Pike with her gauntlets and her mace and the Blessing of the Everlight is strong, second only to Grog in strength in Vox Machina, but even without she’s a force to be reckoned with. Scanlan’s going to feel that when he wakes up. If he wakes up.

They can’t lose somebody else that’s theirs. They can’t.

Sometimes people go and you never get them back, Grog remembers Kerrek say to Keyleth once, that time Scanlan was dead and Grog spent a very complicated few hours grappling with the fact that all those powerful spellcasters couldn’t bring him back right now. Kerrek had looked surprised way before that when Grog had told him that when someone died, they just brought them back. Like that was usually not the way of things. Like sometimes even people you knew and loved a whole lot just died, and that was it, no Revivify spell, no resurrection.

Grog hadn’t really understood that before Vax died and then became feathers.

If Scanlan dies now, for real, is he going to become feathers, too?

Just as the terror starts to give way into rage – that’s always been Grog’s default way of handling things like that, mostly – Scanlan’s body gives a lurch and he upchucks more liquid than Grog’s ever seen him down in one go in all their years of tavern hopping.

The next second he hears Keyleth yell, “Turn him on his side!”

She’s motioning the water out of Scanlan’s lungs with her hands even as she’s full-on running towards them, spraying sand where her feet hit the beach. In the distance, Vex talks urgently to Percy sitting up next to Vesper before following her, almost as fast.

By the time she’s standing nearby, Keyleth is drawing out the last of the water and replacing it with air with complex arm gestures, long fingers flexing fluidly. The second she’s done, Pike flips Scanlan on his back again and smacks her hands flat on his chest with a flash of intense light that makes Grog see bright spots for a while. A heartbeat later, Scanlan is coughing and retching as if it would make more sense for his insides to be outside. Between dry heaves he takes big gulps of air that sound painful.

But at least he’s breathing.

Grog’s knees suddenly feel like jellyfish tentacles. Sea salt burns in his eyes, and wiping them doesn’t really help. He spares one furious thought towards the ocean – I still won, motherfucker, you don’t get to keep him, just a fleeting remnant of rage – before sitting down on the sand a lot more abruptly than he means to.

From there he catches some soft whispers, some in Gnomish he doesn’t understand, some in Common he does – “It’s okay, you’re okay”, “Slow down, deeper breaths”, and “I know, sorry about your ribs, babe, hold on a sec” – as well as the faint glow from Pike’s fingers as she runs her hand gently along Scanlan’s back. Scanlan’s breaths do come easier after that. (So do Grog’s, incidentally.) He still looks a wreck, though, his soaked curls all over the place, ashen-faced under his tan and half covered in a fine layer of sand. So much for keeping his hair dry. Oops.

“Are you gonna be okay?” asks Keyleth, her voice trembling just a little.

“What the hell happened?” Vex’s voice sounds clipped and almost angry, so sharp it could cut through diamonds but also kinda like it could break if she wasn’t careful. It only does that when things get bad.

Scanlan blinks up at her; he looks at Pike, at Keyleth, and at Grog, and blinks again.

“Good… question?”

It’s because of the jellyfish, Grog realises, and only notices he’s said that aloud when everyone turns their eyes to him. He concentrates hard on not voicing the niggling doubt that it’s his fault more than the jellyfish’s. The squish and the burn might have startled him, but letting both gnomes fall was on him alone. And that… that sucks. A lot.

Pike helps Scanlan sit up, one hand in his and the other still on his back.

“We were just messing around. Grog stepped on a jellyfish – by the way, you okay, buddy?”

“Yeah,” says Grog, even though his ankle still burns a lot, kinda, because he’s – they’ve all – gone through way worse during battles. Fortunately they’re not battling anyone, so Pike still has plenty of magic, and he almost immediately feels the familiar warmth of a Heal spell down to his toes. The next second the red welts on his skin are gone. “Thanks, Pike. And, uh… sorry for getting your hair wet, Scanlan.”

“That’s… a way of putting it, I guess,” mutters Vex.

Scanlan stops brushing wet sand off his face, still looking a little dazed. He looks up (and up, and up) at Grog and waves off the apology with a slightly shaking hand.

“Eh, it’s fine. I probably should’ve told you I can’t swim in the first place.”

Everyone stares at him in a stunned silence that Keyleth finally breaks.

“Wait,” she exclaims, “you can’t swim?”

Scanlan gives half a shrug. “Just never learned, I guess. And I learned Polymorph years ago, so I can just turn into something that swims better than I ever would anyway.”

That does nothing to placate Keyleth, whose voice climbs straight up.

“But – how did we not know that?!”

“It never came up!” protests Scanlan, eyes wide, almost defensive.

“How the hell did that never come up?”

“Guys.” Pike’s voice is clear and sharp; it’s not brittle like Vex’s was, but it’s a fine edge that slices easily through the rising tension before it turns back into her usual soothing tones. “Thank you,” she says to the two women. She opens her mouth, closes it again, and finally just says, “You know. Just… thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Vex says in her normal voice, but her face is pretty pale for all that she just ran a bunch of yards to go get Keyleth. “And Scanlan?”

Grog almost expects him to look up and go “Oi?” with a small smile that could mean pretty much anything. But he just looks up at Vex and doesn’t smile. His eyebrows go up a bit.

“A soon as we can find a body of water that doesn’t have waves in it –”

“Or jellyfish,” adds Grog, whose takeaway of the misadventure is that those things are more dangerous than ocean waves. One corner of Vex’s mouth twitches.

“– or jellyfish, we are teaching you how to swim, darling. And that is non-negotiable.”

Scanlan’s face is still a bit white, his voice still a bit raw when he nods and says, “Understood.”

“I mean it. I hope you can handle a crash course.”

“Well,” says Scanlan, sounding a little more normal, “you know what they say about old dogs and new tricks, but I—” Vex’s eyes glint, “—yep, okay, swimming lesson, no prob.”

Vex flashes a satisfied smirk, but it only stays up for a second. The next moment she’s hugging Scanlan, and it’s over just as quickly before she mutters, “I’d better go and inform Percy that nobody died, thank the gods…”

And it’s like Grog can hear the ‘nobody else’ hidden in that sentence, clear as day.

After she leaves, Scanlan looks at Keyleth with one of those smiles that mean he’s being serious.

“Thanks, Kiki. You know, you’re pretty awesome.”

Keyleth looks less spooked now. She gives a short snort of a laugh and unfolds her long lean body from where she’s sitting on the sand.

“Yeah, well. I spent a long time learning these spells, so. I’m glad you’re okay, Scanlan,” she adds in a softer voice before following Vex.

It’s when her back is turned and she’s a few feet away that Pike – who’s been so still Grog almost expected her to start vibrating – grabs Scanlan by the shoulders and then throws her arms around him. Doesn’t kiss him, just goes straight for a tackling hug that seems to drive the air from his lungs (again).

“I thought you’d Dimension Doored to the beach,” Grog hears her say in his hair, a little muffled, because after a second of surprise Scanlan is hugging back, just as tight. “I thought you’d swum back. You should’ve said you couldn’t, you… I should’ve checked… Holy shit, Scanlan. That was so fucking dumb.”

But she’s trembling a little as she says this, so maybe it’s not really dumb to be scared still, even though everything is okay now.

…Well, kind of okay. No matter what happens, Vax will stay dead. Which means Vex, and Keyleth, and Scanlan, and Pike, and Percy, and Tary won’t really be okay okay for a long time. They’ll still have those moments where they go quiet and still and kind of fragile, like they’re made of glass you can’t quite see through. Like Grog, when his memory betrays him and he thinks I gotta show this to Vax, or Vax will go nuts when he hears that – and then he remembers that Vax is gone and they’ll never get him back.

Maybe that’s part of why Pike is holding Scanlan so tight, and why Scanlan is murmuring to her in Gnomish looking like he just smacked his head into a wall.

And since there’s no kissing involved, just ‘holy crap you’re alive I love you you’re alive’ hugging, Grog picks up his gnomes for some hugging of his own.

The thing is… well. It’s like this. It’s Wilhand and Grog and Pike and Scanlan, living in Wilhand’s house. It’s Grog and Scanlan and Pike, going to taverns and sometimes – less often than they used to, but still sometimes – going home so smashed they can’t walk straight. It’s Pike and Grog and Scanlan going to Vasselheim via teleportation circles; Grog and Scanlan check in at the Slayer’s Take headquarters while Pike drops by the Temple of Sarenrae first, Pike and Grog fight at the Crucible while Scanlan sneaks them some inspiration from the stands, and Grog and Pike and sometimes Scanlan take a contract from the Take to kill some big beast that doesn’t hold a candle to a dragon or a god but is still fun to fight.

The thing is… Grog knows gnomes live a long time. The particulars are unclear and not really interesting to be honest. He just knows that one day, he’ll be too old to fight anything – which sucks, so he hopes it won’t last a long time – and he’ll die for good, and Pike and Scanlan will still be young compared to him. That’s not scary in itself. Grog Strongjaw has never been afraid of dying (especially not since the two halves of Kevdak’s corpse hit the cobblestones of the Westruun town square). But Grog Strongjaw has learned to fear death like he used to before he learned about resurrection spells, whether it comes from the fingertips of a snarling god or the whisper of raven wings. Revivify doesn’t always work, and it gets harder if you died and got brought back more than once. And then sometimes they’re just. Gone. (They could have lost Vex for good as well at the not-wedding a couple of years ago. Sometimes Grog looks at her playing with Vesper, or slumped against Percy with her head on his shoulder, and the thought goes through his brain and leave ice in its wake for a while.)

The thing is… They’re not always out of harm’s way, but they are safe now.

They killed dragons. They thwarted a god. They lost family. They’re entitled to safe, now, right?

None of them are allowed to die before Grog. Not for real. That would just be unfair.

(Especially because of a stupid misstep and a stupid jellyfish.)

So yeah. The gnomes hug each other, and Grog hugs his gnomes.

“Hey, Scanlan,” he says when the two break apart – slightly – and make themselves comfortable against his chest without even thinking about it, out of habit.

“Yeah?”

“Are you mad we didn’t know you can’t swim?”

Something complicated flashes across Scanlan’s face for a second, but then he shakes his head.

“I’d be mad if I’d told you and you’d forgotten,” he says, and Grog believes him.

“I wouldn’t forget a thing like that.”

“I know, bud.”

“We’re gonna teach you, anyway,” Pike points out as the three of them make their way up the beach towards the others, the towels and the parasols. “And no Polymorph allowed. You’re not cheating your way out of this one.”

“That’s not cheating, that’s just… creative thinking! Swimming is boring – why would I want to swim when I can turn into a porpoise instead?”

“Why didn’t you do that earlier, then, instead of giving us all a heart attack?”

“I was taken by surprise, obviously!”

“Wait,” says Grog, “how the hell do you turn into a purpose?”

“P-o-r-p-o-i-s-e, buddies. It’s an animal. Kinda looks like a dolphin.”

“Dolphins are usually purposeful, so that tracks.”

“You’re not helping, Scanlan.”

“Yeah, you’re not helping me cultivate my litter-a-see, Scanlan.”

Grog isn’t sure (yet) how to spell ‘literacy’ and he mostly means it as a joke anyway, but Scanlan’s whole face lights up with delight, so maybe it means he stuck the landing.

Of course this is where Vesper’s little voice pipes up to ask what ‘literacy’ means, and what’s a porpoise, and then what does a jellyfish look like, because she’s a curious little one and she loves to know things and figure things out. Scanlan spins a tale on the spot for her that only looks like what actually happened if you tilt your head and squint really hard; at some point a giant whale is involved and Pike, Vex and Keyleth swing down from an airship to save the day. Percy’s eyebrows shoot up from behind his glasses at that, Keyleth laughs, and Vex grins and takes a mock bow before returning to scratch the spot behind Trinket’s ear.

Vesper listens to Scanlan with increasing awareness that this is A Story – firmly in the land of make-believe, where no one dies, nobody is ever in real danger, and all’s well that always ends well – and gives dramatic gasps and laughs at the right places.

Pike plops Scanlan’s hat on her head and settles behind him to comb the sand and the knots out of his hair with her fingers as he talks. Sometimes she smiles the same soft little smile Scanlan had earlier, while she and Grog were screaming at the ocean.

And Grog?

Grog settles on the ground, wiggling sand between his toes, and watches his family being alive.

—

Raise your hand if you love Grog Strongjaw and his gnomes 🥰

Me a couple of months ago seeing this post:

"Ooh, that's great! Great potential for comedy!" So I jotted down these lines -

“Wait, you can’t swim!? How did we not know that?” “It never came up!” “How the hell did it never come up??

- and then a couple of months later came up with the fic above 😅

Hope you liked!