#FUCKIT 17

[lookninjas]

In FUCKIT #17, Karen Sorenson falls on her face, Laura E. Price has just the thing you're looking for, David M. Briggs has 8 poems, Sarah Schmidt trusts strangers, and Alexis Siemon is getting married! Also, a review of Citi Zēni's Cits Līmenis.

Note: zine uses images from the Madame B album, courtesy of the Art Institute of Chicago, which has permitted their use under a CC0 license. Please check out the full gallery at the link -- her work was amazing.

[amypihcs]

HELLO!! Hello my friends! The doctor today is quite happy, Holmes DIDN'T forbid him to tell the story!

I WOULDN'T put past Watson ways to convince Holmes not exactly family friendly. And WELL, it's their right after all!

He's also quite exasperated. But we'll see why! But for now this investigation goes on!

I'd bet my ass the stumble was intentional. He needed maybe to see the footprints? Bet also Watson knew.

Watson... WATSON STOP SHE'S DEAD!!

WATSON FUCKIT TRY NOT TO BE A BISASTER FOR ONE MOMENT CHALLENGE LEVEL IMPOSSIBLE. Damn! This is much even for you!

Leaving this aside, Holmes goes on with his investigation and rolls a 17+5 (he has competence in it)

And he has his suspects... a FIRE, you say? MHNN

HOLMES!! Holmes, damnit you're in holiday for your HEALTH! Poor Watson must be tearing his hair out by now!

Oh well, back to the cottage!

Holmes curls up in his armchair, as god intended, and smoke as NOBODY INTENDED! But he doesn't manage to get to any conclusion so next step is to grab Watson and go have a stroll outside in, luckily, some fresh air. At least Watson can breathe a bit and relax.

Yas! Holmes also gets to use Watson as a sounding board! And YES!

I KNEW IT! He wanted a footprint!! And Watson gets once again to go 'crap, wish that were me'

I know how it feels Watson, I know. Ah and, well, a visit from yet another character!

Uh!! Impressive guy! UUH And he's very interested in the investigation! But as Holmes RIGHTFULLY ASKS HIM QUESTIONS...

Holmes going BRUH. Man it's my JOB!

And the answer is SUSPICIOUS!

So Holmes follows him... and nothing new! Man's REALLY interested in this. Interesting.

A few hours later...

The vicar? Again? What happened?

Tregennis DEAD?? UUUH. FUCK. Let's go and Watson, we'll have breakfast later! Watson: Hey! Holmes you're here to REST AND RECOVER Holmes: CASE! Watson, Contemplating murder (of the vicar) and tying his husband to bed to make him actually rest: sigh

Now, analysis of the room

Stuffy room? Death of terror? Guy dressed hastily? A BURNING LAMP?

Once is a case, twice is too much to be a coincidence already!

Holmes AGREES! Look at him, he's happy and excited by this case, Watson try not to look at your husband with heart eyes in public challenge, level impossible. WATSON!!

Was that 'loud ejaculations' necessary or were you only thinking to last night?? -sigh- you're hopeless. But uuh... he took some of the ash? WEEEEIRD.

Let's see why.

uhm... two days smoking and walking around? w-wait, holmes! An EXPERIMNT?? WHY THE LAMP???

Crazy man. You suspect someone got poisoned and... and... Watson is a saint. Well, for now he's just explaining, at least!

Ah so he also has the poison?? Oh god.

YOU CRAZY BASTARD, HOLMES!!!

We will never get to your limits, dear Watson. This man is a one man army. He's fantastic. And Holmes you need to give him a holiday from this 'holiday'.

AND YES, YOU BETTERBE SORRY.

Precious man you are, Watson. Precious man. Now you two have some making up to have, in the garden in a place not visible from the street!

[wizisbored]

fuckit bj/nimona mostly kingdom background lore dump because i have spent days thinking about international politics for my silly little crossover

the kingdom is a microstate in the middle of nowhere, i havent decided where. might make up a continent for it to be in i dunno.

the rest of the world knew it existed prior to the wall coming down but it was generally seen as an agressive state that refused contact from other nations

they only ever referred to themself as 'the kingdom' because they didnt know of any other kingdoms or nations. after making contact with the rest of the world the government/monarchy decided to give the state a more distinct name. undecided if this is still in deliberation during the timeframe of the au or if im going to come up with a headcanon name

this one is a big maybe, but i might have the kingdom be latin-speaking. its dialect has evolved since the language died out elsewhere, and its known as kingdom latin (unless i do decide to give the kingdom its own name). nimona, ballister and ambrosius started learning english not long after the idea of moving to america was first brought up, and nimona being adaptable as she is picked it up best. lydia does non-kingdom latin in school so its fairly easy for nimona to teach her some conversational kingdom latin once they become friends. but again, big maybe

i want to narrow the gap between nimona's sci-fi elements and beetlejuice's modern-day setting. the kingdom is a bit ahead of the curve, but not massively so. not sure yet if i will be dialing back the kingdom or dialing up the rest of the world, though

kingdom passports didnt exist prior to the wall coming down. ambrosius' family were some of the first to get them, given their status. it was him cashing in on family ties and wading through beurocratic nonsense that got nimona first an accurate government ID (family name n/a, DOB prior to 1023, appearance subject to immediate and complete chage, etc) and then later a human-passing ID, passport, and fabricated birth certificate amongst other things that ambrosius told his uncle in the registry office were 'for travel'. the intention was always to use those documents to take her out of the country permentantly, but they kept that quiet.

according to those human-passing documents, her name is nimona boldheart, she's 17, and shes under the gaurdianship of her uncle

ballister and ambrosius have a sort of lingering sense of patriotism to the kingdom that nimona insists is all brainwashing. she doesnt like to admit that she misses home far more than she thought she would. she doesnt like to admit that she still thinks of it as home

to end it on a lighter note - nimona loves convincing people that random stupid shit is a deeply important kingdom custom. she finds that the maitlands are particularly suscepticle to this, not because they neccesarily believe her, but because they try to stay respectful every time just in case shes actually telling the truth this time. she did have them convinced that the shark dance was the traditional dance of her people for at least a week tho

[seldnei]

FuckIt 17 is out now! So is some other stuff!

FuckIt vol 17 is out now, featuring my story “It’s Dangerous to Go Alone (Take This).” Are you in the market for a traveling companion/sidekick? Well come on into the shop and take a look at our selection of adoptable creatures; I’m sure we can find the perfect buddy for you! My fellow Fuckiteer (I love that term and have stolen it from) David M. Briggs has a new omnibus of poetry and prose out…

[candiid-caniine]

edging log fuckit

10 - i forgot how loud this vibe is n the neighbors on other half off the duplex can definitly hear it but idc

11 - ogmfng i wanna cum so badly. but ik im not allowwd puppies dont cum but i want to so bad, clearly i havent edged enough I'm thinking to much still

12 - puppy parts arnt for cumming,, they're for serving n torturing. puppies dont cum i know better than that I'm sorry for wanting it it just aches so bad

13 - please I'm so closeee pleaseplsweplease fuck nonono puppies dont cum. puppies dont deserve to cum i wanna be a good puppy t just hurtss to be so close to the edge

14 - even on the lowest setting m so sensitive i can't think I'm so needy

15 - i don't deserve to cum. why would something as pathetic as me ever be allowed to, I'm most useful whn I'm desperate n stupid and I'll do anything justt to please

16 - why would I ever wnat to cum i should jus be grateful i get to touch my puppy parts at all i should be grateful i even get to be this close to the edge n I'm so fkn close I'm so achy i deserve this

17 - my clit is throbby n all puffed up fuck it's so needy it feels so good. this is how I belong this is what I'm made for,, my clit doesn't deserve relief it deserves to be tortured

18 - I'm a good puppy but my clit is bad. it wants to cum n makes me think i deservee thing that arnet for me. it deserves to be punished n never given release, it deservss to throb n ache n be ignored

19 - i love bein achy i love bein dumb i love bein useful,, this is my purpose

20 - i edgefd my brain away i can't think of anyhring but my clit its all i can focus on right now it's aching so badd 💕💕💕💕

21 - fffuck this one hurttt I'm too close I'm so close thank you I deserve this,, i love bein an edged out slut n getting to fulfil my purpise 💕💕💕💕

22 - i want my denial to be worse 💕 i wanna not know if I'll ever cum again,, i wanna be kept on the edge for hours at a time n made fun of for beingg a pathetic lilttle mess

23 - mmmghfhh i can barely touch my clit for ten seconds without getting to close to the edge,, i want this to be the rest of my day i wanna be achy and stupid and begging and brainless plsplsplspls

24 - need to keep goingg need to make myself dumber for daddy need to suffer need more edging

25 - cann barely type my fingers are shak ing m so close so needy fuck

26 - toy died right as i hit the edgeee fuck

I'm gonna put a clothespin on my clit n wait for it to charge back up so i can get dumber 💕💕💕

i am finally off no touch. which means I'm gonna spend today edging myself stupid.

anything i reblog on my alt, assume i edged/am edging to it 💕 my fingers are gonna be permanently on my clit today for undeterminable amounts of time. I'm fucking rabid rn and so so needy i can't even think I'm just gonna edge for the first time in a week n I'm so excited

[17-summers-lifestyle-brand]

Y’all heard what Uncle Vester Aka Bernie Mac said!!! Be you and only you, don’t succumb to societal or familial pressures to be anything BUT YOU 👈🏾🤞🏾🔥- 17 #beyou #greatness #rwtw #gettoit #winwinwin #berniemac #chicago #mentalhealth #happiness #mentalgangsta #17 #17summers #dearsummer #hoodiegang #fuckit #houseparty3 #unclevester https://www.instagram.com/p/CXl7VeILp24/?utm_medium=tumblr

[churchyardgrim]

DO PRIMES FOR SILAS PLS PLS PLS

POE WHAT MAKES U THINK I KNOW WHAT A PRIME NUMBER IS grumble grumble making me google shit

2. What’s their date of birth? Do they follow the stereotypes of their zodiac?

uhhhhh fuckit, Silas is a leo/scorpio cusp. don't ask me how that works. it just does.

although i wouldn't put it past my DM to have their own zodiac for the homebrew world he's native to hghdhf

3. What type of drunk are they?

the kind that makes u think "oh, god, i thought he was gay before". he's a hazard. he's a danger to himself and others. he's already taking his clothes off.

5. What’s their favourite food?

probably something slow-roasted and honey-glazed, with little flakes of gold leaf sprinkled on top. the ponce.

7. Do they have any living relatives? If they do, which one do they like the least and why?

the Edelhart family has three remaining siblings in Silas' generation; two brothers and a sister. their father passed some years back, probably from unnatural causes, and Silas' sister whose name i don't remember has taken over as head of the family.

there's also this weird feral child running around their home town of Misthaven, and anyone with eyes can see the resemblance between one red tiefling with hooves and antlers and another... but then again, normal people always say all tieflings look the same, and the Edelharts staunchly deny any knowledge of the menace known as the Magpie Lockrot, so who's to say.

11. Describe them in 5 words.

wretched flamboyant mad scientist bitch

13. How would they react to suddenly being hugged?

"ach get off, how dare you touch me"

17. On average, how much sleep do they get at a time?

picture like two weeks of catnaps and 3-6 hour nights, followed by a crash of college-student proportions wherein he's conked the fuck out for 18 hours straight

19. Does your character collect anything?

besides phone numbers and bits of dead gods? necromantic knowledge i guess hghdf

23. Does your character snore?

absolutely not how dare you make such accusations

[365days365movies]

February 16, 2021: Carol (Review)

Might be just because it’s so fresh, but I REALLY enjoyed this movie!

It could also be because, unlike the last two entries, this one had a more hopeful, borderline happy ending. I mean, not completely happy, obviously, but a realistic joy, given the circumstances! Carol is an extremely romantic film, and one that I do think is borderline perfect. And, if I’m honest, and I realize this is blasphemous...

I think I like it more than Brokeback MountainI’M SORRY

I can’t deny it, I do actually think I like this movie more...but again, that might be because it;s not as much of a tragedy as Brokeback Mountain is, in truth. And this definitely isn’t to say that I think Carol is a BETTER movie than Brokeback...but I do like it a little bit more.

But all right, enough navel-gazing; shall I get into why? Probably should explain myself. Recap can be found here and here. And the Review can be found below!

Review

Cast and Acting: 10/10

...Yeah. Yeah, it’s perfect, I have no problems with this rating. Cate Blanchett is amazing as Carol Aird, and Rooney Mara disappears into Therese, but together? Together, their chemistry is hauntingly good. I was rooting for them both the entire time, which is natural of course, but they are just wonderful together. Rest of the cast is great, too, as Sarah Paulson, Kyle Chandler, Jake Lacy and Corey Michael Smith are all memorable for various reasons. And I honestly don’t have too much else to say here, because the acting is pretty goddamn spot on.

Plot and Writing: 10/10

Based on 1952 novel The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith, which was the first lesbian-themed novel with a happy ending, by the way, this screenplay as adapted by Phyllis Nagy is...shit, man, it’s GOOD! S’fuckin’ GREAT! And I also don’t have much to say here! The writing and plot are spot-on, and I’m genuinely not sure how to complain about it. It’s just...GODDAMIT, it’s fantastic.

Directing and Cinematography: 9/10

Todd Haynes knocked this one OUT! Again, an amazing job, with some great shots, and...y’know, I’m starting to feel like these reviews are getting, I dunno...repetitive? I really need to up may critical game, huh? Well, look there are legitimately some great shots in here, both in terms of shot construction and in terms of overall camera movement and direction. The scene in the car comes to mind, not to mention any other scenes of emotional expression between the two characters. Is it perfect? No, not really, but it’s still amazing. Seriously, I know it’s getting repetitive, but I don’t have much else to say. Haynes’ direction and Edward Lachman’s cinematography are amazing.

Production and Art Design: 9/10

Remember how I said that the costumes in Brokeback weren’t as time-accurate as I’d hoped? Well, this movie DEFINITELY makes up for it, as the production design feels extremely accurate to the time period. In fact, sometimes it feels...too accurate? Yeah, yeah, I KNOW, not the best of criticisms, but hear me out. Sometimes, in this movie, the fact that this takes place in the 1950s punches you in the face, while it’s also understated at other points, and it never really evens out for me. But still, it deserves high points, so high points it gets.

Music and Editing: 8/10

But as compared to Brokeback Mountain...yeah, Carter Burwell’s score is fantastic...but not quite as iconic or notable. Like, just talking about it now, I can vividly remember the score for Brokeback. But for Carol? Nothin’. I know it was impactful in the film itself, but I don’t think it was as good, is all I’m saying. But as for Affonso Gonçalves’ editing, it’s great. I know, RIVETING commentary, but I don’t have too much to say here. Still, great score for great music and editing.

Hey, look, a 92%! This really was another Brokeback.

Which makes sense, because not only do I think this is just as good...it got slept on by the Academy Awards SO MUCH HARDER than Brokeback. That’s right, it’s time for another edition of The Oscars...are...BULLSHIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!

And what have out contestants won? NOTHING. Not just that, but this film wasn’t nominated for Best Picture (Mad Max Fury Road was, and this movie’s definitely as good as that; Spotlight won, and that was admittedly deserved) or Best Director (The Revenant won, deservedly, but this should’ve been NOMINATED). Sure, Blanchett and Mara were nominated, as was Nagy for Screenplay, Burwell for Score, and Lachman for Cinematography. And sure, it lost those categories to some deserved entries, but the lack of nominations for those two categories is...yeah, not great.

OK, now that this is done, I’m probably gonna watch Blue is the Warmest Color, right? What if I were to tell you...that I wasn’t? I’ve never seen BitWC before, and I should...but you know what? WE’RE GOIN’ OLD SCHOOL, FUCKIT

THEY ARE LESBIANS, HAROLD! THEY. ARE. LESBIANS!!!

February 17, 2021: Desert Hearts (1986)

[biological-catastrophe]

FUCKIT I had time so I answered all of them.

Below the cut!

1. Shin, ez

2. AGHHHHH This is hard but I’ll have to pick Hinako. But. The only reason is I think she had so much potential, I feel like she should have had more.

3. ANZU!!! I love it. I love it so much

4. Tbh it’ll have to be the high five with Shin hhhhhh I’m not biased or anything

5. Kanna. At first, I thought she was too gullible and annoying. I don’t remember when it happened but sometime near the beginning of chapter 2 ny opinion started to change

6. Probably Shin? I honestly have no idea. And I’m assuming it’s like who’s been voted the most but idk-

7. Ggghsjkdjdj I’m sorry Miley you have to go- I love her but nndjdjdjhh

8. Shin (sadly…)

9. I feel weird saying this but. Ranmaru and Sara, but because of how it changes depending on the route. But besides that, probably Keiji and Gin- father and son.

10. Hole Dwelling by KIKOU probably. I saw a really cool edit and now I kinda associate that song with the game-

11. Probably Shin or Sara. My friend is a Sara kin so any time I message him I think of Sara dbdjjsjdb

12. Joe. No I won’t explain

13. Honestly, probably Alice- it’s hard to describe

14. Uh I don’t know really-

15. Besides the translation stuff between Keiji and Sara that makes it seem romantic, I’d probably have to say the whole laptop thing with Nao and Sou and the evil Mishima AI. I don’t know why I’m just not a fan. It feels out of place but maybe I just need to replay the game-

17. I think I have an average chance? I know I have good survival instincts, I know I could survive but. Do I want to? Would I be willing to put my life above others?

18. I have a feeling I’d get the sage-

19. Joe being Miley and Mr Policeman’s son!!!!

20. I probably wouldn’t tbh. I do NOT like taking risks, I hate risks. But if I DID, it would be for my friends safety and prosperity.

21. Hide and Seek and Charge Card are my favorite. Obviously memory dance is the worst but not unbearable (I love cheating) and arm wrestling.

22. Reko/Shin

23. Fuckin barely-

24. I’m sorry I’m too lazy to look but I think the one where Shin struggles to be any sort of physically active is funny

25. KAI’S AAAAAAAA (I haven’t played the new ones-)

26. Tbh I’m really excited for Shin’s and Keiji’s. And I wanna see their events with each other and Sara bc they are some of the more. Logical thinkers? I wanna know what’s going on up there

27. Kanna’s!!!!!!!! And Ranmaru’s

28. It really depends. If I made at least 1 friend, hell no. So like the first main game I might be able to do it because I wouldn’t be close. But if I even make one friend I know I’m dead. My life is not very valuable to me tbh-

29. Midori and Ranger are tied tbh

30. I am dreading it. Because the chances they will get out and the remaining survivors live is. Next to none. I sm going to be HURT when the next person dies, though for some reason I have a feeling it will be Gin. But maybe that’s because I’m more logic…

For some reason I can't reblog so. take some screenshots-

from @/thehadesincident

[synchlora]

vague character descriptions and shit for the au

cause fuckit i need to sort out characters lmao. i need Structure. starting off w the original group and their basic backstory and shit

RV crew

started out with tommy and tubbo reuniting soon after the apocalypse began when they both ran off. they found an old rv out in the woods and hooked it up to tubbos truck, though it took a lot of repairs to get it in working order. later found ranboo half-dead and decided to take him with them, see if they could help him. met wilbur at a hospital they raided (tubbo was half convinced he was a ghost lmao) and found he was a medical student. he joined the group with the promise to help ranboo, and by god he delivered. several months later, the group found michael scared and alone in a town they were passing through. theyre still not sure his history but they sure as hell weren't gonna leave the kid behind.

tommy: 17. lived in [beginning town], close friends with tubbo since middle school. came home from school one day to find his family turned. his sister tried to get him out and they killed her in front of him. he ran after that. soon, he met up with tubbo at the abandoned barn they would hang out at (though it took him significantly longer bc he was On Foot).

tubbo: 17. lived in [beginning town], close friends with tommy since middle school. his home got attacked by zombies and he ran after his parents told him to. they tossed him the keys and he left in the truck. he still regrets leaving, blames himself for their deaths. drove off to an old abandoned barn where him and tommy would hang out (the pair had texted and shockingly got reception) and he met tommy there.

ranboo: 17. missing a lot of his memories prior to infection, so even he doesn't know a lot about himself. he was found by tommy and tubbo wandering in [city 2] half dead. well, not really wandering much, he basically just passed out right in front of them.

wilbur: 21. ex med student, dropped out halfway through his second year. worked at the hospital for a while as a housekeeper before the apocalypse. basically set up camp there for a long while before tubbo and tommy stumbled across him. after much conversation, they asked for his help with ranboo and he accepted (though lied and said he was both older and Graduated from med school).

michael: 7. found by the RV crew, though tubbo was the one who spotted him initially. his past is unknown to the rest of the group bc he hasn't spoken of it or processed it well. but I have Authors Knowledge so I can tell you its ROUGH <3 no spoilers tho. hes particularly warmed up to tubbo and ranboo, and even though tommy would never admit it, he has a soft spot for the kid

[bad-k0mpany]

Do you have any tattoos?

Just one. Says "Unbreakable." Got it when I was like 17. Long story short, I had a really fucked up and rough upbringing. Left home at 16. Got it as a reminder that no matter what.. it didn't break me. Dont let shit stop you. Control your own outcome.

Fun fact: apparently life took that as a challenge, as within the same week I was in a dirt bike crash (was racing a quad, he lost control and hit me, put me into the rocks) so it got scraped up some while healing. Fuckit, adds character 😂👍🏻

[delicatefury]

I have reached a point of fuckit in my writing.

I’m tired of world building and backstory and “does this make sense” and not actually getting anywhere in the writing part of it. I’m tired of worrying about keeping my word choices at a certain comprehension level or getting a message through or making sure my magic system makes perfect sense before it even shows up.

I’m done with all that. I have over 17 of my own stories I want to tell and only one of them is complete and I hate that version of it so much.

So I’m tearing it to shreds and starting over from concept. The crazy concept. The au of an au of an au of an idea I had at fifteen years old. And I’m gonna tell that story. And I’m not gonna worry about laying groundwork, or when I introduce minor characters.

And who cares if there’s no obvious demographic. Who cares if the pitch is a little esoteric and you should probably already be a fan of a certain genre of you want to understand it?

Who cares if it’s weird?

I got so caught up in Writing Excuses and the Craft of Writing and How One Becomes a Published Author that I psyched myself out and started doubting my own imagination and story instincts.

No more.

Tonight. I write.

[something-tofightfor]

He’s Not Here - Part 18

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Word Count: 7043 

Rating: NSFW (language, smut, violence... this chapter has it all.)

Parts 1-17 + the interludes and NSFW alphabet can be found on my Masterlist (link in bio)

Summary: The end of Billy’s deployment is approaching... and youre doing the best you can to deal with everything that this entails - even if it means facing the unknown. 

Author’s Note: I apologize in advance for this one. Thank you all for your patience.

Tagging: If you want to be added or removed, let me know.

@banditthewriter @breanime @obscurilicious @madamrogers @suchatinyinfinity @chibiyanai @songtoyou @ethereal-heavcns @editboutique @marauderskeeper @drinix @ilkaeliseb @delicatelilyflower @king4thesirens @blah-blah-fuckit-shit @ymariejp @mr-robot-x @rageshots @shinebrightlikeafanbase @littlemermaidprobz @introvertedlibrary @writing-for-a-chance @yesixoxo @ilikebeachessushiandsmallanimals @likeorions @swiftyhowlz @dylanobrusso @benbarnestongue @its-my-little-dumpster-fire  @dreamwritesimagines @waytoobsessedwithmyfandoms @lexxierave @ms-delos @elanor-of-imladris @lynne1993 @dreams-with-thoughts @mfackenthal @traeumerinwitzhelden @bucky-is-my-precious @weallhaveadestiny @ladyblablabla @sweetybuzz25 @luminex3 @christinawxxx @thesumofmychoices @audreychaz @tc-elliot @kind-wolf @gollyderek @honeyydippaa @thesandbeneathmytoes @malik-payne @geeksareunique @bellastellaluna @fireeyes-on-teller-dixon-grimes  @nananananananananananabatman @binbonsadoration @the-blind-assassin-12

*banner made by the wonderful @the-blind-assassin-12*

You cried out as his mouth made contact with you, tongue extended and wasting no time as it moved first against you and then inside of you, his fingers tightening their hold on your thighs. This can’t be comfortable for him. But Billy continued what he was doing, small, quiet grunts leaving his throat and short exhalations through his nose sending shivers through you as they hit your skin while he lapped at you, your only response curling your fingers into the blanket and turning your head to bury your face in the pillow. Oh, fuck. Billy was skilled with his fingers, but even moreso with his mouth, and you lost count of the amount of times that he brought you right to the edge in a short time before slowing himself down, pulling away and taking a few deep breaths, his beard rough against your skin before beginning the process all over again. 

His hands slid down lower on your legs and as you widened your stance, you realized that your knees were no longer on the mattress; Billy was supporting your weight with his arms, even while leaning forward and entirely focused on what he was doing. “Billy.” You hissed his name out, finally lifting your face from the pillow and turning toward him, gasping for breath. “Billy, stop. Not like this, I want to…” You yelped, feeling his lips purse as he sucked gently on you, tongue languidly moving. “Billy, stop.” He did as you asked, gently setting your knees back on the bed, and you finally took a deep breath, turning further to see his face. “You, Billy. Not your…” He nodded, chest heaving, and even though you knew he was still trying to get himself under control, he shifted his body, allowing you to roll over so that you were on your back, legs stretching out. He knelt on the bed next to you, using the back of one hand to wipe at his face before he leaned down, pressing his lips to  your stomach, then to your hip, working his way up your body until his face was hovering over yours, lips only inches from your mouth. 

“This OK?” You nodded, reaching up with your right hand to run your nails over his scalp as he closed the distance, his own fingers against your jaw. “Alright.” He kissed you then, tongue slipping into your mouth without pause even as he hooked a leg back over your hip, settling his body down against yours, your hips rubbing together. He rocked against you, setting a steady rhythm even though he wasn’t inside of you yet, and as your bodies moved together, you dropped your hand to his neck and then his shoulder, bringing the other one up to join it on the opposite side of his body. You moved your hands slowly, savoring the feel of him beneath your fingertips and fighting back the tears that you felt forming in your eyes. No. Enjoy this, don’t get sad. Not yet. “You ready for me?” Billy pulled back from you, eyes dark and full of promise even in the low light, one side of his mouth pulled up in the smirk you knew so well. You didn’t speak, nodding and pulling his hips tightly against yours. “Thought so.” Billy’s lips met yours again roughly - but only for a moment, and then he was on his knees, leaning over toward the side table, hand reaching into the drawer. 

---

You scrambled in your pocket for your phone, heart pounding. Billy. His face on the screen made you gasp and you slid your finger across the glass to answer it, already speaking his name before you even had it to your ear. “Billy?” He sighed on the other end of the line and you moved toward the shelter of the brick, free hand pressing over your other ear to block out the wind.  “You’re …”

“I’m callin’, yeah.” He sounded tired, sounded far away - and he was, but it was more than the actual distance, his voice was different. “I’m sorry it took me so long, sorry that I couldn’t… fuck.” He laughed. “I’m callin’ now.” 

 “It’s good to hear your voice, Billy.” You leaned against the wall, closing your eyes. Finally. “Did you… did you open your box?” 

“I did. Thank you. I shared the jerky and the cookies, my guys were real happy.” He paused. “I’m wearin’ that shirt now, the one that smells like you?” You squeezed your eyes shut, fighting to keep your lip from trembling. “Smells like home.” He swore, saying your name. “I fuckin’ miss you, you know?” You didn’t know what to say so you remained silent, waiting. Something happened. “We didn’t get back until the day after Christmas, op got extended, an’... first thing I did was open that box… saw the lights and the food and the coffee and the shirt.. Saw the card.” I forgot about that. “Opened that yesterday.” He said your name again, this time softly. “I miss wakin’ up next to you, lookin’ at your face in the morning.” 

“Good.” You licked your lips, voice coming out stronger than you thought it would. “I’m glad you miss me, Russo. Becasue I miss the fuck out of you, too.” He laughed then - another real laugh, one that made you close your eyes tightly, swallowing hard and comitiing the sound to memory. “Happy birthday, Billy.” You opened your eyes again, looking at the city. “It’s still New Year’s Eve here, so… happy birthday.” I’m sorry you’re alone. He thanked you, the perfunctory tone of his voice doing little to encourage you, but you didn’t have time to dwell on it before he continued.

“What’re you doin’ tonight? Out with Erin? Havin’ fun at a party?” He paused. “Gettin’ hit on by guys, or gettin’ jealous of -” You cut him off with a chuckle. “Seriously though? I hope you’re havin’ a better time than I am, doing somethin’ fun.” You looked around again, the city alive around you. 

“I’m on the balcony at Erin and Jack’s, they invited me over.” You shook your head. “Not as good as last year, though Billy. Not even close.” He laughed again and you could picture him, hand on the side of his head, tongue out and moving over his lips, eyes bright. “It’s good to hear from you, Billy. I was worried, especially when Frank called Maria on Christmas Day, and I didn’t hear a word from you.” 

“We split up. We weren’t together the whole time, and his team got back before us.” You waited, using your free hand to pull your hood up. “An’ I got back, and I just couldn’t… what we did out there was fucked up, and I couldn’t call you, because I didn’t want you to ... “ You thought back to what Maria had said about Frank being unable to talk to the kids sometimes. What’s he hiding? What did he do? What happened? “I need you to believe me when I tell you that I called you as soon as I could.” You nodded, though he couldn’t see you. “The minute. I wish we were Skypin’, but I figured you weren’t home, and…” I should have stayed home. “I gotta go, we actually have a briefing in a little while, but…” Billy trailed off. “Will you have a drink for me? I miss beer so goddamn much.” 

It was the most normal thing you’d heard him say in months and you burst out laughing - a genuine laugh that you felt throughout your entire body, calming you slightly. He’s still in there. Still parts of him. “I will, Billy. At midnight. A toast to you and to your birthday and to the fact that you get to come back this year. Soon.” You paused again, taking a deep breath. “Back to me.” 

“Back to you.” He agreed. “I love you. You know that, right? No matter how long it takes me, I’m always gonna get back to you.” Your eyes widened and you nodded, even though he couldn’t see it. “Never said that to anyone before ‘cept maybe Frankie. But I mean it. I never felt… never wanted... “ He swore, hissing. “I gotta go. Have that drink. I promise you’ll hear from me soon.” And without waiting for you to tell him that you loved him back, he hung up, the line going silent next to your ear. Oh, Billy. You stayed where you were for a few seconds, closing your eyes and taking deep breaths, but when you opened them, your mouth was set in a straight line. 

Turning, you headed back to where you’d been when your phone rang - reaching down to pull the blanket from the chair where it was pooled and back around your shoulders. Sorry for lying to you, Billy. As you sank back down into the camp chair, eyes scanning the horizon - taking in the buildings and the lights in front of you, you finally allowed yourself to cry. Erin and Jack had invited you over, but you’d declined, knowing that there was only one way - and place - that you wanted to spend the holiday. You reached down next to the chair and pulled the bottle of beer out of the 6-pack, opening it before raising it to your lips, taking a long drink. “Happy birthday, Billy Russo.” 

The rooftop was empty and cold without him, lonely - the same as your life had been since he’d shipped out, but there was nothing you could do to change it, at least not for another four months until Billy came home. You finished the beer a few minutes before midnight, standing again and walking over to the edge of the roof, leaning forward and putting your blanket-wrapped elbows on the cold brick, waiting. As the fireworks started, you pulled your phone out, thumb hovering over the button for a few seconds before pressing record and taking a video, tears still silently rolling down your cheeks. I wish you were here, Billy. 

January passed quickly, your contact with Billy much more frequent and less awkward, although each time you heard his voice, it sounded a little less like the Billy Russo you knew and a little more like the one you knew that he could be… and it scared you. But his attention was always on you, the smile he gave you was always genuine, and even though he said less during the calls and in his emails, you figured that it was because he could see the end - and he was getting nervous about that. 

“You thought anymore about what you want to do with Anvil, Billy?” It was February, and since you didn’t have a boyfriend to spend Valentine’s Day with, you’d thrown yourself head first into work, organizing three events the week of the holiday. Billy’s Skype call had come through at nearly 2 am your time  on the 10th- him surprised that you were still awake on a weeknight while he was getting ready to eat lunch. “You’re almost done over there, and you’ll have all kinds of free time.” He studied you, his hair long again, beard thick. “I thought -”

“Yeah, Schoonover’s gonna set me up with some people so that when I get home, we can meet right away. Might not even need a bank.” His eyes gleamed. “I been taking to some guys over here too, and I don’t think I’ll have a problem findin’ people to work with me.” He licked his lips, nodding. “Lots of guys wanna keep doin’ this even when they’re out, so…” Good. “They’re good men.”

“You’re gonna be busy, Billy.” You cocked your head to the side, smiling sadly. “Too busy for me.” He rolled his eyes, and even though his face was thin and pale, you saw the amusement in them, a glimmer of your Billy. 

“I told you, I’m comin’ back to you this time.” He paused. “For you.” He smiled. “How many times do I haveta tell you that?” 

“Hey.” You shrugged, rubbing your eyes. “Billy, it’s been a year, sometimes a girl just has to hear that she’s wanted, that the guy she’s in love with hasn’t changed his mind, or -”

“Not happening.” He shook his head, leaning in. “I miss you too much to change my mind.” He sighed. “We got some things to talk about when I get home, but… I’ve got plans, and they definitely include you.” You felt your chest swell, felt your mood lighten, even though you didn’t know exactly why. Billy hadn’t given you any reason to doubt him while overseas, but you could see the changes in him, feel the way his moods shifted, hear how different he sounded at times … and it worried you. I just want you home, Billy. You continued the conversation, Billy asking why you were up so late and what you were working on, you asking how Frank was doing and how the rest of the unit was holding up. He assured you that things were going well, and right before he ended the conversation, Billy leaned in, talking quietly. “Two more months.” You nodded, watching his eyes dart around your face quickly. “Two months and I’ll be home and all this shit I’ve done will be here, and I can move on.” You nodded, not fully understanding, but knowing that he needed you to. “I love you.” He swallowed. “I’ll talk to you soon, yeah?” You nodded, telling him that you loved him too, that he needed to be safe, and that if anything happened to him in the last days he was deployed, you’d never forgive him. “I’m almost out of this, nothin’s gonna happen to me. I promise.” 

--- 

He tore the condom open, your eyes on the movement of his fingers as he rolled it over his length, taking care to ensure that it was properly placed. “Can’t risk comin’ home to a kid, right?” You opened your mouth to respond but Billy simply winked, leaning back down to take your earlobe between his teeth. “You’d kill me if I knocked you up and then left for fifteen months.” The laugh came out before you could stop it, head nodding up and down quickly. Damn right I would. “But we’re not gonna worry about that,” Billy continued as he kissed his way down the side of your face, lips grazing over your jaw. “What we’re gonna worry about right now,” he breathed, teeth snapping together next to your mouth. “Is me fuckin’ you so well that you’re thinkin’ about it the whole goddamn time I’m gone.” 

He pushed into you as he finished his sentence, your hips lifting off of the bed to meet his, Billy’s name erupting from your mouth before you could stop yourself, and that was the last word you said, letting your body take over. You wrapped your leg around the back of his thigh, feeling as he pushed down on the other one, his grip on your hip painfully tight as he moved. Billy’s eyes were open, you noticed as you closed your own, back arching off of the sheets and into his, and they were focused on your face. He’s watching me. He always closes his eyes, but he’s… You cried out as Billy lowered his mouth to your shoulder, biting down - harder than he usually did - your hands flattening on his back. Ow. But you didn’t mind - you knew that he was giving you everything he had, wanting you to remember him - remember how he felt, remember how he tasted and what he could make you feel - no questions, no unknowns, bruises to prove it, even long after he was on the other side of the world. 

Billy Russo was yours and yours alone, and there, in your bed, he was showing you - giving you something to tide you over for all of those months, giving you what he’d never given anyone else. “Billy.” You moaned his name out, hating that you couldn’t hide the desperation in your voice, but it seemed to incite him, the pace of his thrusts changing, the hand at your hip sliding up your stomach and to your breast, squeezing before he palmed it, pushing downward even as he curled his fingers. “Fuck, Billy.” Incoherent, you mumbled against the side of his head, feeling the short hairs there against your lips, pushing your lips into it and inhaling. 

You tried to prolong things, tried not to listen to the words he was whispering at you, tried to push the growing warmth in the pit of your stomach down, but knew it wasn’t going to work - in an extremely unfair turn of events, the last time you’d have with him for more than a year was also going to be the quickest, both of your bodies unable to be reined in. He removed his hand from your chest, moving it back down and between you, fingertips teasing you as he spoke. 

“Open your eyes.” You did as he asked, watching as he nodded above you, teeth sinking into his lower lip as he groaned. “I need to watch you.” You nodded too, eyes on his, mouth hanging slightly open as he continued to supplement the movement of his hips with the action of his fingers. “Come for me.” It was a command - and your body responded without hesitation, a single roll of your hips and tightening of your leg around his was all you needed, his name falling from your lips as you came, body shuddering around him as your heart raced. “There’s my girl.” He pressed his lips to yours gently, and even overwhelmed, you could feel the smile on them, feel the pride that he felt in knowing that he simply had to tell you what to do - and you’d do it. “My turn.” He dropped his head to your shoulder, breath puffing against your slick skin, and you moved your hands, gripping his ass beneath your palms and urging him deeper, even as you moved your other leg, changing the angle of his thrusts slightly as you pressed the inside of your thigh against his hip. Fuck, Billy. 

His movements became erratic as you nodded, mouth open and neck arched, eyes focused on the ceiling, ears committing every noise he was making to memory. I’m going to think about this for months. Billy was groaning into your neck, mumbling your name as he kissed the thin skin there, lips hot against you, and then they were gone, replaced with his forehead as he swore loudly, the movement in his lower body stuttering as he emptied himself into you, muscles flexing beneath your palms. He slowed his hips, causing you to suck in a breath, the movement almost too much for you to handle, but then Billy said your name again, sounding more breathless than he ever had before. “Yeah?” You turned your head to look at him, watching as he raised his hand to the side of your face, thumb moving over your cheek slowly. 

“I’m going to miss you.” You nodded, waiting. “I’m gonna go over there and do a lot of real bad shit.” He was breathing heavily, still inside you, and instead of dropping your hands from his skin, you tightened your hold, not breaking eye contact. “But I’m … I’m doing all of that so that I can come back to this. To you. For us.“ 

“Love you, Russo.” You spoke, voice sounding foreign in your ears - but you realized that it was just hoarse from calling out his name so loudly. “You do what you’ve gotta do, and I’ll be here.” The expression on his face changed for a moment, but then Billy nodded, easing himself out of you and reaching down to remove the condom, tying it and dropping it into the trashcan before he rolled back toward you, gathering you into his arms and pulling you to his sweaty chest. “We have time?” Why are you questioning this? It’s the last morning.

“I’m gonna make time.” 

--- 

Your Valentine’s Day events went off without a hitch, and as things slowed down at work, you began to relax. The end of February wasn’t busy, and you found yourself starting to plan for Billy’s return, even though it was six weeks away. Gotta clean his apartment, get all of his laundry back to  him… You made lists, spending a lot of your free time at Billy’s place because you wanted it to feel lived in when he got back, even asking Maria what Frank liked when he came home because you’d never experienced someone returning from deployment before. She gave you tips, shared some of her favorite stories about Frank and Billy over beers on their back porch in the late February sun, and told you to stop worrying - that if Billy had come back to you once already without being in a relationship with you, he’d do it again. “He loves you.” She shrugged. “He’s always been better suited for being stateside than Frank; Billy can readjust to being home like it’s nothing.” She sipped her beer, licking the edge of the bottle before shaking her head. “Frank’s different.” 

“How?” You wanted to understand but didn’t want to pry. “How is it different for -”

“Frank’s always had people to come home to. Billy… hasn’t.” She shook her head, tucking a long strand of hair behind her ear. “He’s got us, and… Curt, and whatever women he…” Maria trailed off, shaking her head. “So it’s not like he’s got to hide what he did or what he went through from anyone the way that Frank does. Billy comes home and gets it out of his system easy, and Frank just... “ She topped, looking out over the yard where you knew that beneath the thin layer of snow, the grass that Frank Jr. and Lisa loved to run around on waited. He’d fuck it out of his system, that’s what she’s saying. 

“But Maria,” you frowned, finishing your beer. “He’s got me now, and that means… he’s going to hide it, he’s going to…” You thought of how guarded Billy was during your calls, how he’d been when he got home the previous time, how different he’d been than before he’d left. “He can’t just fuck a nameless woman this time, Maria, and he’s not going to tell me-”

“No.” She shook her head, reaching her hand out to squeeze yours. “Frank doesn’t hide it all from me, he hides it from the kids.” You inhaled, biting the inside of your lip. Oh. Her lips turned up in a smile. “And yes. Frank and Billy would come home and we’d see Billy at the airport, and then... “ She threw her head back and laughed, shaking her head. “Then he’d be gone for days.” Maria’s eyes returned to your face, cheeks reddening. “You got a taste of it last time he came home, but I’ve gotta tell you.” She leaned in, making sure that her voice stayed quiet. “That first night of post-deployment sex? When they come home and they finally have something real in front of them?” She closed her eyes, licking her lips. “It’s so much better when you know they love you.” She nodded. “And Billy loves you.” Maria settled back into her chair, taking a deep breath. “You’ll see.” 

You talked for a few more minutes and then you checked your phone, realizing that it was much later than you’d thought it was. “I hould get home, Maria. I have to be at work for a meeting at 8 tomorrow, and it’s already after …” She nodded, standing and leading you back into the house. “Thanks for having me over, though.” You looked around the kitchen, smiling at the photos on the fridge and the toys you could see scattered throughout the living room. “I’m just nervous, you know? I know this is his last tour, and I just… I had no idea what to expect last time, and he just seems so different now, when we talk?” Her gaze sympathetic, Maria nodded. 

“Just give him time. You’ll see. He’ll still be Billy, and Frank will still be Frank, and we’re going to spend the summer falling back into routine, but this is it.” She grinned at you. “I sent Frank his birthday present.” Raising an eyebrow, you waited and she continued. “Springsteen tickets. I’m waiting for him to call and yell my ear off, because they were not cheap…” She shrugged and you laughed, shaking your head. “Trust me on this, ok? They’re still gonna be the guys that left, you have nothing at all to worry about.” She leaned forward, hugging you tightly. “Except of course Frank talkin’ Billy’s ear off about these seats and you having to hear about it.” 

---

He held you for nearly an hour, talking quietly with you as if when the next alarm went off, you’d both simply be getting out of bed and going to work like on any other day. You talked about normal things - about your job, about the TV shows that you’d watched, about a new restaurant that you wanted to try… and you soaked up every second of it like a sponge, wanting to remember the way that every syllable he said sounded in your ears, the way it felt when he dragged his fingers over your overheated skin. He finally said your name quietly, sighing. “I need to get into the shower, I gotta leave in less than an hour.” You swallowed, nodding, and your hold on him tightened involuntarily, head turning to press your lips against the skin of his chest. “I know.” He eased you up into a seated position, hands stroking the back of your head. “Will you make me breakfast while I shower?” He smiled at you, tongue moving across his lower lip. “I’d ask you to get in with me, but we both know…” 

“What do you want, Billy?” You brought your eyes up to his, willing yourself to smile and to keep your voice steady. “Pancakes? Waffles? Eggs?” You winked, feeling a genuine smile on your face. “Bacon?” He nodded, closing his eyes. 

“French toast?” You nodded eagerly, and Billy continued. “French toast and bacon?” Assuring him that it would be ready when he got out of the shower, you peeled yourself away from him and crossed the room, pulling on the t shirt he’d been wearing the night before and then pulling on underwear, not bothering with pants. You didn’t look at him before you walked from the room, but as you pulled the pans and some bowls out and prepared the ingredients to cook for Billy, you heard the shower water start. 

Fifteen minutes later, bacon was sizzling on the skillet and a stack of french toast was waiting on a plate. You’d poured orange juice into a glass for each of you, brewing coffee for him as well, and as you flipped the last few pieces of toast onto a second plate, you heard him walk into the kitchen, clearing his throat. “Just about done, Billy. If you want to grab your -”

“You’re fuckin’ perfect, you know that?” He stepped behind you and you quickly turned the burner off,  leaning back into his chest. “Wearin’ my shirt and cookin’ me breakfast?” He kissed your cheek. “I’m starving, too.��� A few minutes later, you were seated at the table, each of you chewing on the toast, the morning sun warming the room even though it was still cold out, and the forecast called for snow later that day. “You know why I asked you not to see me off, right?” Billy’s eyes were on you, focused. “I want you there, but…” He shook his head, running a hand over the newly cut hair and closing his eyes. “If I walk out of here and you stay, it’s like I’m comin’ back later, right?” You nodded, feeling a lump rising in your throat. “But if you go there with me, and you drive me? I gotta kiss you goodbye in front of a bunch of other guys.” He smiled, but it was tight lipped. “No one else gets to see that - to see you like that, see me like that.” 

“I understand, Billy.” You cut another piece of toast on your plate, stabbing it with your fork and rubbing it through the syrup on your plate. “You think it’s easier.” 

“No.” You stopped chewing at the word. “Not easier.” He shook his head. “It’s never easy to leave, and it’s not gonna be easy to leave you this time, but… it’s necessary. I walk out that door, and I gotta be ready.” Billy’s voice changed slightly, an edge to his words. “When I think about today, I want… I want it to be here. Not there, not... “ You nodded, understanding. Privacy. He wants privacy. 

“Alright, Billy.” You leaned forward, blinking. Change the subject. Let him know it’s OK. “You gonna eat that last piece of bacon?” You moved as you spoke, hand reaching for the meat on his plate, and Billy reacted quickly, swatting your hand away with a laugh. This is what I want to remember. 

Just before 10:00 am, Billy stood in front of your door, a bag slung over his shoulder and his deployment bag next to him. You swallowed as you reached out, fingers tracing over the patch bearing his name on the bag, eyes on the patterned luggage. “Hey.” He spoke quietly, reaching out with one hand to bring your chin up. “I’m gonna be alright.” He nodded, leaning in to press a kiss to your forehead, lips lingering longer than they usually did. “I’ll be home before you know it.” I know. “I’m a survivor.” He kept speaking, using his other hand to draw you in, holding you tightly. Though his bag was in the way, you pushed a hand beneath it, hugging him hard, head turned sideways against his chest. “I had to be, and there’s nothin’ different now. Me and Frankie are gonna go over there and do what we need to do, and get this shit over with.” He paused and you felt his breath on the top of your head, heard him draw in a shaky breath. “This is it, and then I get to come home and think about what happens next.” 

“I love you, Billy.” You felt the tears dripping through your lashes, the scent of him overwhelming you - fresh and clean and yours. “Please be safe. Please come home.” He took a deep breath and straightened up, pushing you away from him and looking down at you, a look in his eyes that you’d never seen before. 

“I love you.” He leaned back down, kissing you. “I’m coming home.” You nodded even as his lips found yours again, the kiss different, too. He wasn’t kissing you hungrily or feverishly. He wasn’t biting at your lips, or pushing you against a wall, urging you to kiss him deeply. It was just a kiss - the truest kiss you’d ever gotten in your life, and you felt a calm settle over your entire body as you realized that no matter how many other women he’d been with, no matter what he’d said or done to them or with them, he’d never kissed anyone the way that he was kissing you in that moment, inside of your apartment. 

“Billy.” You whispered his name as he pulled away, eyes still closed. “Billy you need to go, you’re going to miss your cab, it…” You shook your head, finally looking back at him, one hand reaching up to touch his cheek. “You need to move your ass, Lieutenant.” You winked at him, fingers curling beneath his jaw. “I’ll be here when you come home.” Billy leaned in, kissing you again without speaking and when he pulled back, he was smiling. 

“You better be.” He reached out, threading his fingers through yours and squeezing, seemingly unwilling to walk out of the door. “I’m gonna go.” He pulled his hand from yours and turned, opening the door before he reached for the handle of his bag, pulling it into the hallway behind him. “I’ll call when I can.” You nodded, crossing your arms as you watched him, eyes moving over his body. He stepped down the hallway, away from you and after only a few steps, Billy stopped and turned back to face you, jaw set. “I’ll see you soon.” 

“You will.” He nodded once and then turned back to the elevator, pressing the button and looking down at his watch, waiting for the car. It wasn’t until the doors closed behind him that you let your own door close, turning back toward the kitchen and the remnants of your breakfast. Alright. Here we go. 

--- 

The sound of your Skype alert woke you up, the noise loud in the confines of your bedroom, and you jumped out of bed, falling into the chair and turning your table lamp on in the same motion. Billy? You clicked the button to answer the call, heart pounding in your chest. It’s four AM, why is he calling, why… “Billy?” Your hand flew up to your mouth as you saw his face onscreen, eyes going wide. “Billy, you’re -” He was bloodied, a scrape on his forehead and smeared blood on his neck - but it was his hands that were the worst, skin tinted red as his long fingers grabbed at his own head, long hair loose and messy. “Billy -” 

“I can’t do this.” He was staring at you through the screen, but the look on his face was nonchalant, eyes vacant. “I can’t do this anymore, we almost… we almost fuckin’ died, and Frankie knew it, and I knew it, but I couldn’t tell them no, it’s not possible.” His tone was flat, only the barest hint of emotion in it. “We killed… I… I’m … I can’t… do this anymore. That’s what I said to him, and he didn’t care, he didn’t…” Billy was rambling, and as he did, you looked him over, thankful for the bright light in whatever room he was in. Aside from the scrape on his forehead and a bruise on his right cheek next to another scrape, you couldn’t see any other visible injuries on him, but he was filthy, the skin of his face - the only part of him that looked like it had been cleaned at all - pale and drawn above his long neck. Billy what happened? “I’m tranferrin’ back to Force.” It was the first coherent sentence he’d said, and you immediately looked back at him. “I only got a month left, but…” Billy’s left hand rose, fingers scrubbing over his face, and you gasped as you saw that the face of his watch was completely covered in blood, the numbers beneath the glass completely unreadable. “I can’t do it anymore. I shouldn’t have done it in the first place.” He fell silent, hands dropping to the tabletop and you watched silently as they nervously bounced up and down, his head shaking back and forth. “No more.” 

“Billy.” You cleared your throat. “Billy, look at me.” He did, slowly raising his eyes back to the camera. “I don’t know what happened.” You paused, taking a deep breath. “But whatever it was, you’re alive.” He sucked in a breath. “Is Frank?” He didn’t respond, the vacancy still in his eyes. “Billy, is Frank alive?” He nodded - finally - and you breathed a sigh of relief. 

“Saved all of us.” Billy swallowed, head dipping down. “He saved all of us, and he won’t come with me, he’s gonna stay and finish this out, but I can’t fuckin’ do it, not like him.” He mumbled something else that sounded like the words ‘bastard’ and ‘orange’, but you couldn’t make the words out clearly. “This was a mistake. All of it.” He shook his head, reaching for the computer screen and you froze, knowing that he was going to end the call. 

“Billy, wait. No.” You panicked, flattening your hands on the desk in front of you. “Don’t hang up, Billy.” You said his name again and his movements stopped, eyes darting around nervously. “Hey.” He licked his lips and you reached out, holding your hand up near the laptop screen, waiting. “Billy, hey.” He took a deep breath and then you let out the one that you were holding when he raised his own hand in the familiar gesture. “That’s it, Billy.” You smiled at him, waiting a few seconds. “I love you, Billy Russo.” You kept your voice even though all you wanted to do was break down into tears. You’d never seen him this way before, never seen Billy out of control, never heard his voice so emotionless. You didn’t know what to do - but you knew that you needed to keep it together for the both of you. “It doesn’t matter what you did or what you do or what you had to do to keep yourself alive over there. I’m here, and I’m waiting for you.” 

“You say that now.” Billy licked his lips again and took another breath, one palm flat - and unmoving - on the table. He’s breathing normally again. “But do you mean it? Will you mean it when -”

“Yes.” Your voice was firm. “Look at me and tell me if I mean it.” He brought his eyes back to yours, tearing them away from where you hands were and you waited a five count for him to respond. 

“You do.” His lips twitched. “You mean it.” Your head moved up and down quickly and Billy visibly relaxed, taking another deep breath. “Fuck me.” He closed his eyes and when he opened them, there was life in them - a little bit - and though his jaw was twitching slightly, he looked less wild and more focused. “I need to go and clean up.” That’s good. “I didn’t mean to… fuck, I shouldn’t have called, you shouldn’t have seen me like this, I can’t…” Billy dropped his hand from the screen, steepling his fingers together on the table in front of him. “Shit went sideways, and when we got back, after… fuck. I just wanted to see you. I wanted to hear your voice.” He hung his head, and when he looked back at you, you saw that there were tears in his eyes. “I needed you.” He didn’t wince at the words, but you could tell that they surprised him - that the feeling surprised him, even after all of the time you’d spent together. Oh, Billy. 

You talked for a few more minutes, and though he still looked like hell, by the time he hung up, he sounded more like Billy, was acting more like Billy than he had been at the beginning of the phone call. He promised to call you once he’d cleaned up to reassure you that he was OK, but you knew it wouldn’t be that day. He needs time. He told you that he loved you before he hung up, but it was the first contact you’d had throughout the entire deployment where he didn’t end it with something that he missed. 

Computer screen dark, you climbed back into bed, pulling the blanket up to your chin as you rolled onto your side, heart still pounding. Something had happened - something bad, but the important thing was that Billy and Frank were still alive - and they were almost done, almost home. And Billy’s transferring back? So close? You laid awake as the sun began to rise, and at a little after six, you emailed your boss, letting her know that you wouldn’t be in that day. No way. 

You didn’t hear from Billy that day or the next, but on the third morning, and email came through - short and to the point. I’ll talk to you soon. It’s been fucking nuts here. You closed your eyes at the brevity, but you had to admit that you got it, that Billy had likely realized how much the last call had scared you and wanted to be sure he knew what to say the next time he actually talked to you. Goddammit, Billy. You busied yourself with the final preparations in his apartment - reorganizing his clothes and returning many of the things that you’d borrowed while he was gone, stocked the pantry with necessities … and worried. You hadn’t heard anything from Maria, and so you hadn’t mentioned Billy’s early morning Skype call, but you didn’t know what to think. Did Frank not tell Maria anything? Am I supposed to… Billy said they almost… But you decided to let things go - it wasn’t your place to worry Maria, and you had enough to think about with Billy’s lack of contact and trying to read between the lines of what he’d said. 

The afternoon of March 12th, six days after he’d scared you half to death, you were in Billy’s apartment - laptop connected to the WiFi in order to ensure that you didn’t miss his call when the door eased open and then shut again behind you, startling you out of your thoughts. You turned, mouth dropping open as you saw Billy standing in his living room only feet away from you. What? You blinked, trying to decide if you were hallucinating, but then you heard a loud thump as he dropped his bag, followed by another clunk as the larger bag tipped itself over and onto the floor, jostled by Billy’s leg as he strode past it and toward you. “Billy?” You were frozen on the spot, one hand gripping the edge of the counter, and it wasn’t until you felt one of his hands at your waist, the other sliding against your neck as he pulled you close to him that you realized that he was actually there - that you weren’t dreaming. 

“Motherfucker.” He whispered the word, breath hot against your skin. “I missed you.” He didn’t say anything else before his lips met yours, rough and warm and everything you’d been missing for the last thirteen months

---

[princecoolkid]

17 years later and I still can’t believe the writers literally said fuckit, Jackie and Inez can just cover their eyes and Buzz and Delete won’t notice em.

[anankos]

im in the very last chapter of blue lions pray for my soul im die. ashe in exploration mode one time was like: "those years in school were fun ya know this was fun" and im like: *TRYING NOT TO CRY* "YEAH BRO THIS WAS FUN. SO MUCH FUN I'LL MISS YOU BBY SONNY BOY AAASFBAS IT'S THE END OF THE GAAAME" anyways, i'll probs do black eagles next and just be a douche bag in my choices bc i'm already on the evil team and hate everything so. fuckit everyone can burn if dimtri cant be saved.

GOD i only just got to ch 17 and though i think the turnaround for dimitri was a bit fast, the ‘live for yourself’ line works PERFECTLY. it even works in conjunction to the addressed mask/repression in the school phase, and im pretty sure it was spoken near word-for-word in a support, also during school phase.

in general im pleasantly surprised how the game handled mental illness. i mean dimitri is obvious because [gestures to hallucinations, mood swings, survivor’s guilt, repression, suicidal ideation in tandem with his fixation on revenge, and a bunch of other stuff im probably forgetting], but i havent touched her route yet and i know edelgard’s been through some messed up stuff, and it’s left its mark on her as well. And not just the lords, but other characters like Bernadetta, or Marianne. It’s not a perfect depiction of mental illness, obviously, but so far it seems to treat it respectfully which is a damn sight better than like. any other video game i’ve seen that even touched on the subject.

wow ok that got rambley. anyways three houses is making me Feel things in my shriveled dragon heart. im gonna miss my kids in my black eagles run hA PSYCH, IM RECRUITING ALL OF THEM

[slaughterchichi]

I Was Wrong By The Chichi Slaughter House Warnings: ZoroxSanji, D/s overtones (no, I won’t stop), rough violent sex, verbal and physical sadism, starts off with "bottom*" Zoro but… Well. It’s me. Obviously it doesn’t stay that way. Disclaimer: One Piece belongs to Eiichiro Oda. Rating: NC-17 Initially intended to be a drabble but sprinted off out of my hands. Guess that makes this a little more public than I was going for but fuckit. If it makes you mad, it makes you mad. My Sanji craves dick in his ass 24/7, 365 days a year. Deal with it. (But also... the more people tell me they don’t like Sanji being so submissive to Zoro, the more I push in that direction. I’m fuelled by spite – remember that!) Another one of those “let the punishment fit the crime” scenarios. Someone said on A Rose With Thorns that they thought the argument was about "topping*". And, you know, it wasn’t but it got me thinking about it: how would that go? This isn’t quite so much about Sanji making Zoro mad by wanting to "top*" as the way he said it and what he said, which is far more important. Zoro doesn't care if Sanji wants to fuck him - he's fine with that. What he cares about is where the blame is being laid. Also partly inspired by a picture by my friend bean (NSFW), which catered to my interests even though I hadn’t mentioned them before <3 * Fandom's usage of the terms top and bottom? Not at all what they mean in a BDSM context. Long explanation/semi-rant on my twitter here, should you care to understand my frustration.

“Please!” Sanji squirmed under Zoro, tugging at his wrists even as they were held down, his face flushed hot from embarrassment and want.