#Except for usually anger
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does anyone else ever feel like they have to exaggerate every emotion they have in order to seem like a functioning human being? Like I gotta use dramatic hand signs and dramatic expressions and everything even though I only feel like 15% of the actual emotion.
#Except for usually anger#I feel that intensely most of the time#But whenever someone says something that should excite me I kinda feel like a twist inside me#Like “yay… time to gear up my acting skills again”#It’s horrible when someone I know dies and I don’t have the emotions I should be expressing#It makes me feel like such an emotionless freak#Like one time my friend committed suicide and I could barely think of anything#A lingering bit of sadness but the news just froze me for a few periods and I struggled to focus for a few periods#But I just couldn’t understand why I did t react more for someone I was actually pretty close to#I still feel a bit of a trust when I think of them but then everyone at school seemed to forget her anyways#But yeah#other than the usual empty sadness and fiery anger#it’s hard to feel sometimes#mentally tired#mental illness#mental health#feeling empty#feeling nothing
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he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.
except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?
at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.
except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.
about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.
he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.
#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag#writeblr#it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal#fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho)#healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy#im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage....#1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind#and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes#2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception''#3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.''#idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh#im sure there are people who have this experience normally#but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists#when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band''#edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful#once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large#but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry.#but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes#but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally.#i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes#people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism#but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet .#i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY#and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound.#but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in#i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too.#here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change#was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort)#choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL
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it's been so long since we got bruce explicitly seeing himself and dick in jason. 40 years actually.
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I figured I should pay some more attention to my other FNaF AUs as well, so let's start with FNaF 4! Here's the dad bear Nightmare Freddy and his kids in my AU :D
#he is SUPER grumpy but in private he is actually a good dad to his kids#he has anger issues tho and usually snaps at the other nightmare animatronics very quickly#except nightmare Fredbear he is secretly scared of that guy#fnaf fanart#five nights at freddy's#fnaf au#fnaf#fnaf alternate universe#five nights at freddys#fivenightsatfreddysfanart#fnaf 4 art#fnaf 4 fanart#fnaf 4#nightmare freddy#fnaf nightmare freddy#fnaf art#fnaf4#fnaf ask blog#freddy fanart#freddy fazbear#nightmare animatronics
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Life is just the neverending battle to convince myself or others to care, and frankly it's a losing one. 👍
#I haven't looked at or tried to work on any of my WIPs in days#usually I'm clawing at my skin to want to make progress by now#But. I. Feel. Nothing.#maybe I'm finally free and never feel the need to write ever again#or it's a deepening signs of the Horrors but whatever#kinda great to feel nothing again#except anger cuz work but otherwise Nothing#personal bullshit
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i always said that once i stop caring what other people think about me it’s over for you bitches and it’s finally happened i’m literally untouchable
#everyone else my age like oh i’m getting married ! oh i had a baby ! me i’m becoming evil#i decided months ago that i’m done i live in the worst place in the country or on earth even and these asshole people are not getting any#more out of me. i don’t smile at anyone anymore. i don’t make eye contact. i’m done with this place and these rude ass people#so today i was at the gas station and pulled up behind someone and got out and the pump didn’t work so i got back in#and waited for the girl in front of me to be done bc everywhere else had a line anyway#so when she finally leaves the asshole in the jeep behind me is yelling at me through his window and literally about to rear end me#and i’m trying to tell him that one doesn’t work so he’s still yelling at me through the window and i keep mouthing IT DOES NOT WORK#bc he simply is not getting and finally he sticks his piece of shit head out the window and LISTENS to me and i said it DOESNT WORK.#it’s BROKEN.#and i realize he thought i was just waiting to be at the first pump and holding up the line but i don’t fucking care#so then he goes. oh. and he gets out and i said you can try it but it says it’s broken.#monotone bc i’m not trying to be nice#and he’s like oh ok. then i take back everything i said about you in the car LOL#and i said. ok.#and he said nah i wasnt saying anything about you#and i said nothing#then he’s a fuck face so he’s all embarrassed and acting like we’re buddies now#so he’s like huuuh. usually there’s an attendant walking around.. and i say i havent seen anyone. not looking at him#and he goes huuuh usually they put a sign or something out that it’s broken and i said nothing so like#the slimy piece of shit he is he silently gets back in his car and waits and then i leave and i’m like#in this circumstance 100% normally my heart would have been pounding out my chest bc i’m afraid of confrontation and who isnt afraid of#men yelling at them but this time i felt nothing except anger bc why the fuck are you trying to start something with me in the fucking gas#station go to another fucking line if you’re in that big of a rush and also learn how to fucking read when it says pump out of order#before you try to fucking rear end me which go for it btw bc i have dash cams and anyway#i’m so fucking sick of living here and i’ll never get out#but. i’m proud of myself for not being afraid or scared and just dealing with that piece of shit straightforward
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Since taking part in the Tsaritsa’s service, Tartaglia is quite adamantly against being called ‘Ajax’. The name reminds him too much of the person his parents still mourn and wish he was, plus it really doesn’t suit him as much anymore, with the way he’s making his own name for himself. Tartaglia is his preferred form of address, Childe the second. But never Ajax.
#hc; tartaglia#//Only family are allowed to call him such; but even then he still feels quite Uncomfortable every time he hears it#//It’s just not HIM#//Feels almost suffocating; esp if said with warm smiles or worried faces#//ESP the latter#//The people he used to train alongside before he ascended to being a Harbinger all know VERY well never to call him that ever again#//Many learned it the hard way#//Countless other Fatui have just the same#//The less close you are to him; the more the name becomes a reason for things to get Ugly#//Dont worry tho; he’ll give a generous three chances to fuck it up before he starts throwing hands over it#//Its one of the few ways to actually anger him; again esp for someone who isn’t close to him#//Those close to him outside of family who try to use his former name so casually again and again wil end up getting a seriouscold shoulder#//As for family; he holds little hope for them to change#//Not with how they cling to who he used to be and how accustomed they are to referring to him as such#//But he does wish they could refer to him differently#//There is a very SPECIFC reason he’ll actively offer the name for his s/o to know or use tho#//And that’s as a safe word; be it in the bedroom or even in a spar. bc he KNOWS that will catch his attention fast if needed#//He’ll also allow it in times of danger; but he’s not too worried abt that happening that much#//If he’s with someone; they can usually handle themself well to not need him to help; no worries in his part#//But it’s there just in case. only THEN will he make an exception for folks other than fam to say his name#//And only SPECIAL ppl at that
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idly wondering with what experts would diagnose me if I was 100% truthful and could remember every single thing that happened to me and every single quirk I developed because of it <3
#like esp. at the start my mother would sit in on all my therapy sessions#and i didn't yet grasp what therapy was for at age 11 so i just talked about my day#and showed the nice lady my latest drawings orz#all that got me was a 'oh that kid is just shy and a little scared going to school just force him to go it'll be fine <3'#never said anything about the nefarious bullying or the things going on at home#because at that point i was so naive i thought it was NORMAL#and other therapists later on only ever focused on my weight and how sloppy i dressed. never addressing all my other issues so i gave up#never talked about all the other stuff for a while.#also that ONE situation i can barely remember but that fucked me up the most i think back in kindergarten... never told anyone about it#except a friend last year. wondering what therapists would say about that if i ever opened up about that to them#after a bit of thought it'd also explain my aversion to being touched/examined by doctors in that area. great.#ANYWAY just wondering <333#also all the 'negative' feelings i immediately throw in the repression bin. like jealousy frustration anger annoyance entitlement etc#been told one too many times that these things are ugly and shouldn't be displayed. should stop acting like a spoiled brat#never learned how to handle any of that <333#recently have taken to being overly analytical about it all. trying to find what triggers these emotions and then rationalising them away <3#they do still fester deep in my soul tho <333#good thing i'm so good at repression that i forget about it all eventually until something makes me remember and then i suffer#but then i repress again and i can live in blissful ignorance again <333333#wish i could be a dumb silly billy more often and not think about things too much like i usually do haha#maybe that's why i'm so drawn to and fadcinated by the bimbocore subculture/movement...... 🤔#anyway anyway just thinking haha
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matija is surprisingly soft-spoken for a man of his stature. this is partially because of the niche he’s filled as the silent assassin - he’s been on the front lines of war before, but he’s much better when he can be left to his own vampiric devices and can kill without any kind of supervision. he’s trained himself to be absolutely silent, due to his hyper-agile nature as an apex predator and his own determination. he might be 6’4 but you won’t see or hear him coming unless he wants you to.
the other part of this is the length of his fangs. they’re about an inch and a half long, way bigger than a normal human’s canines, and definitely noticeable if he opens his mouth too much or too wide. so he generally doesn’t talk a lot, and his mouth doesn’t open so wide when he does, meaning he’s a lot quieter than someone who isn’t trying to hide their teeth.
he also doesn’t smile a lot but this is usually just written off as him being eastern european.
#ooc#canon#he LOOKS like he’d be loud but he’s really very soft#he doesn’t like raising his voice so USUALLY. his anger is calm#the exception is if u know what he is and are chill with it. then he gets louder and talks more and is obnoxious <3
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Ah oof ack i'm really like... Super depressed
#monster noises#like damn! i can't feel Shit! (except rage and vague melancholy ofc)#and that's usually not good#alright well#also Pointed melancholy and sickly semi- nostalgic yearning#but you know what i mean#it's either anger or nebulous sadness
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the one good thing about my pmdd is that if I randomly want to die I know that I'm just going to have my periods the next week, which currently means that they're just late, i'm not pregnant or something, which is always a relief
I mean I still want to throw myself out of a window or fight anyone who dare speaking in my presence so that's a small relief but still I guess
#that's just bullshit really#ive been thinking the whole day about whatever even is the point of living if we're gonna die anyway#which i know is stupid i don't usually believe in that and i know that's my hormones lying to me but i still feel it#then i feel bad about feeling that way which i also know i shouldn't do#but i do not control that either#like i know realistically it will pass it always does i always know it will but it's so stupid that the only thing to do is wait#while still having to work and talk to people like i don't want to jump at them and rip off their face for breathing too loud#i hate being conscious of everything and still feeling it i hate this stupid body and i hate that i know it's useless to hate it#i hate feeling so empty inside except for sadness and anger#but it will pass#rant post
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“You know you’re from the Midwest when”: your beta points out something OOC and you’re looking at it and thinking about it and realize yep my redneck came out 😂😂😂
#liberal redneck#gotta remember I’m writing about CITY characters 😂#rants in a southern accent and has bathroom humor#she’s usually contained except in times of anger#but don’t worry she will always vote blue
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My dad is being transphobic.
Sighs. There is nothing but suffering in this world.
But also in what context and how I am interested
#i have. just accepted that transphobia is a usual thing and. do not mention things around family#esp fathers side of the family#like OW okay. ow. but okay.#IT IS NOT OKAY but what can you do except show acceptance#and. every single time theyre like. oh yeah those confused teenagers.#anger. IM HALFWAY ONE OF THEM. hrlp.#traveller in the snow
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I think somethings rlly fucking wrong with me
#I smoke weed and it triggers a paranoia episode I smoke weed and it triggers wtf I’m in now or maybe it’s just the caffeine combined with#the lack of sleep I only slept 2 hours last night I couldn’t sleep but then I was in a super weird mood all of yesterday which was the day#after the weed so maybe it was that or maybe not or maybe it’s just cause I was on weed for so long that my Brian’s a little fucked up abou#it or maybe it’s my body craving more weed in the way caffeine addicts crave more coffee bc it’s a similar level of addiction except weed#makes you more high and I am buzzing I am shaking while holding perfectly still I came up with a weirdass fuckign plan I thought was genius#and was so fuckign pissed off for a minute there in a way I don’t usually get where I’m not murderous but I’m not thinking clearly either#and actually it was green while anger is usually red or orange (ik it’s basic fuck off) but yeah it’s probably just the caffeine it’s prob#just the caffeine rn#but what about all the other times I keep fuckign getting like this am I in a mental health slump or am I chronically depressed and was the#past month or so a hypomanic episode or am I just grabbing onto things the way I do#I’d talk to my therapist about it but she’s on vacation til September fuck I need to talk to her I can’t sort all this out#I can’t tell if the brain fog is making it worse or better bc I can’t work through my thoughts but I also can’t spiral as efficiently#I keep thinking and feeling these great grand things about myself I’m a beautiful person everyone is lucky to have me I have the best ideas#and no one else can see it bc I know better than everyone else but they all feel so hollow and it’s just the last two days or maybe just#today I can’t remember I can’t remember a lot of things but was it the weed? what’s happening to me whats always coming back to happen to m#vent
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feeling hollow and joyless today? 👍????
#numbers mumbles#this isn’t like ouhhhh i’m so depressed unu or anything#i’m just like.#yknow when you’re under stimulated and everything makes you angry bc it’s not enough for your brain??#i’m feeling like that except without the anger. i’m just like huh?? where is it?? this usually brings joy??
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Kaeya wasn’t one to really get angry as a kid, but the very few times when he genuinely did, it was extremely obvious to everyone, in the way he carried himself.
#hc; kaeya#//Dude had/has like#//Mom type anger bfbfb#//Where his bad mood would just absolutely Contaminate the very room he was in and make the atmosphere utterly Suffocating#//He wouldn’t be confrontational about it either; just be absolutely Frigid; enough that it leaks through his politeness#//Which most of the time was at Luc (after antics gone too far or him pressing Kae abt himself/his past too much)#//Or maids who mouthed off and gossiped a bit too much; esp abt Addie. Which was the most frequent cause#//Only TWICE at Crepus; 1) directly when he tried to pry once; 2) from afar the day he died when Kae saw the Delusion on him#//And ONCE at Addie after Luc left & she tried to lessen the blame Kae heaped upon himself; in reasoning Luc could have; too#//He regrets that one most#//He’s not even overt with it; not usually. But still v palpable to those it’s directed at#//It’sa subtle storminess in his eye; a particular tension in his body.ACertain Tone in his voice; like an air of finality w each sentence#//It was far more obvious as a kid than present day; bc later on he got better at hiding it as smth else#//& as a bab; it was far more jarring to see him acting that way after being used to him being so warm and shy#//For Diluc esp; it was prolly a mad stressful affair each time it happened; no matter how infrequent#//One minute yer bro is jokin around & chilling; then he’s suddenly put what feels like leagues between you & kicked you off Dragonspine#//Tended to show up sometimes during their knight days at the others & ESP in his first few months as Cavalry Captain#//Except he was deffo far more willing to resort to confrontations over insubordination & challenges of his capability in latter#//Before he mellowed out again bc of Jean & Varka and really started picking up the silver tongue’n sly approach more#//It was more efficient seeing people fall apart seemingly from their own doings than do it himself & deal with the troublesome aftermaths#//Nowadays; his Vision acting up if anything is is main tell to if he’s angry or not#//Unless the person knows him REALLY well; or he genuinely can’t hold it back#//But that one is v extreme cases
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