#Eve!

[ask-the-usa-manor]

America, how did you react when west Virginia asked for and then obtained the funds to repair a damaged bridge from the Soviet union?

Whoopsie daisy, my hand slipped and I wrote a 3000+ word short story for this ancient ask. Well. It’s old, I just got around to proofreading it now, but—

Psst! You can also read it on Wattpad.

West Virginia Robs His Father Blind and Almost Starts a Nuclear Armageddon

"What'd they say?"

For a long moment, the only answer she received was the sound of nature moving around her. The songs of bugs humming, the trees rustling with a warm breeze, and the pitter-patter of critters racing about the tree branches. Get rekt, nature. Unfortunately, Vulcan wasn't talking to you.

Vulcan's company took his sweet time processing her words before offering a very lazy: "...Hn?"

Exasperated, the town flicked a beetle off of her sleeve. Sometimes she wished the stories she heard of the states being somewhat snobby yet professional were true, "...West. What'd they say?"

West Virginia paused, staring into the drink in his hand as he leaned against the wooden fence. Not the most comfortable position in the world, given the chipped paint scratching into him. He knew for sure he'd be picking the pieces out of his shirt for the next couple of days, but he supposed it was better than the alternative tree. He preferred chipped paint to splinters, it was easier to spot. Plus, less free acupuncture, thank you very much.

Of course, not that he minds leaning against a tree every so often, especially on a summer evening as nice as this. Besides, trees didn't always give you splinters. But the last time he did, he got this one splinter in his arm that he couldn't see so it was stuck with him for at least a week before he had to complain about it to Tennessee and-

Wait. What were they talking about?

"Who?" He asked, giving Vulcan 2.37/4 of his totally undivided attention.

Vulcan stifled a sigh. She dully wondered how frustrated she could get with him before it caused some sort of an issue. He was technically her boss. Well, boss's boss. Couldn't forget her county, Mingo. Especially after Mingo went through all the trouble of cornering the state and getting him in contact with her.

"Your folks in the government?"

West Virginia looked up, giving her a bit of a squint as he tried to recall, "...No more spite dying?"

"Ye- What? No," Vulcan blinked. She chose not to question that little tidbit of information and went on, "The money."

"Ah..." West nodded slowly, as if he completely understood, "...What for?"

"Cat fur, to make kitten britches- The bridge, West. I want to know about my bridge," Vulcan huffed, "The railroad company's been plastering anti-trespassing signs on their path now, we can't use it much longer! We need to get our access to Kentucky back."

"Ew, you actually want to go to Kentucky? Your life, I guess..." WV sighed, "Right. That bridge..."

That darn broken bridge. The same topic he's been dancing around for one and a half hours. Not his record time of three decades, but he supposed he should get to the point.

Truthfully, West Virginia was overjoyed when she came to him for help. Sure, a certain unnamed older sister of his to the east insists that he's a no-good hillbilly- which may or may not be true, depending on who you ask- but he likes helping people. He likes being useful. Ish.

I mean, not that he feels like he does nothing now, with the mines and other main economic ventures of his rapidly becoming a thing of the past. Nope. No way. He's not a flameout trying to scrap his life together, he's just a helpful fella. The glory days aren't over. He knows that.

For sure.

"Yeah. Yeah," West Virginia waved his hand, "They said no."

Vulcan gave him a squint. A very judgy one. WV dully noted it and ranked it far below Rhode Island's, but certainly above Iowa's. Peppy little cornfield frolicker.

"What?" She prodded, hoping there was more to it. There had to be, right? The government of her own state wouldn't overlook an issue as easy to solve as this.

"In an... alarming turn of events," West Virginia scratched the back of his neck, letting out an awkward chuckle, "They won't pawn it over, and I... am dirt broke. In state terms, anywho. We uh. We need those funds for other things. Apparently."

Admittedly, West Virginia's financial situation wasn't as... boisterous as it once was considered. Whoopsies.

"How are you even out of money? What have you been getting?" Vulcan was absolutely flabbergasted, "I've seen potholes deep enough to bury my gran in them! You don't even spend that much on yourself! You've been wearing that same brown belt for the past two decades!"

"It's two-in-one, actually," West Virginia pointed out. After a long pause, he flipped it over a bit, "It's reversible. It has a black side."

"...Only for you to always keep it on the brown side-?"

"Only for me to always keep it on the brown side."

"Are belts that expensive these days?"

"$1.54. Inflation, amiright? Anywho," West Virginia gently plopped his empty cup onto a tree stump, "That's the sitch. The situation. The sitchy-wation. It's bad, I know. Sorry."

Vulcan turned away from WV, but not to find something to chuck at him like he thought she would. She paced for a good couple of moments, back and forth as the leaves crunched beneath her feet. She stopped and looked back to West Virginia, "...And what about your dad?"

West Virginia's eyes lit up, "Oh! Right, well-"

──────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────────

"PA-!"

Pennsylvania turned around. West Virginia smacked a hand in his face and shoved him aside as he raced past.

"Not you, fuck you. DAD!"

A rather disheveled America spun around in his desk chair, starting his stopwatch with a click, "Unless you're dying, ten seconds, time starts now."

"Give me money. Bridge. Now."

"...No... no please, Gin?"

"'nO pLeAsE, gIn?'" West Virginia mocked, "That's what you sound like. That's what you sound like."

──────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────────

"I tried my best," West Virginia sighed, "I presented my case with as much grace as I possibly could."

"That doesn't seem like much."

"Hey, it's harder than it looks! He's been overwhelmed lately," West Virginia shrugged, "Not by us states, which is shocking. Someone's trying to steal our title as the highest blood pressure raisers."

Their longest streak of maintaining it lasted roughly a century. It's awarded yearly and decided by seeing how close the land o' the free gets to blacking out.

"Then what unholy creature irritates him most?" Vulcan pressed, "We can always ask 'em to bully him into it."

"Irritates him most?" West Virginia blinked, "We already asked my dad?"

"Oh. No, not- Other than him."

"England's busy."

"I wasn't serious, but- What about-?"

"Assume most of our extended family is busy."

"Aw. Is-?"

"I literally have no idea where the Department of Treasury would be right now, and I think he's still not going anywhere near Dad due to the 'we can't fund dogs in bathrobes' tiff. That got... That got heated."

"Dammit. H-"

"The IRS can't be summoned by our mere mortal forms."

"...Do we have any form that isn't our 'mere mortal' ones?"

"Kentucky has Colonel Sanders."

A distant Kentuckian 'whoop' sounded faintly across the gaping trench, on the other side of the close state border. Far too close for comfort. He's lurking.

Vulcan tugged at her hair, "...Nobody else?"

"Someone who ticks off the USA? Who has a looming and- dare I say- cold presence? Causing disturbance that can alter the world? In the 1970s?" West Virginia shrugged and shook his head, "Nope, not that I can think of. Bye, Vulcan! See you around. Nice chat."

"Ah, bummer. Bye."

CAST

Vulcan - Vulcan

Kentucky's Voice - Kentucky

America - America

West Virginia - Mountain Mama

Kevin - Steve Carell

Pennsylvania - Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in a Wig with 99.999% of our Budget—

"HOLY SHIT," West Virginia screeched, busting down Vulcan's bedroom door three days later as the clock read a bright and early 11:52PM, "THE USSR!"

──────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────────

"So," West Virginia bounced in his office chair excitedly, "I did a thing. I found an in. I planned a plot! We're getting you that bridge!"

Vulcan patted the desk, observing the environment of West Virginia's 'workplace.' It was a simple office, nearly a clone of the governor's, but smaller. It had a distinct smell of 'I don't actually know how to use cleaning chemicals but my janitor's on maternity leave so I'm just going to use every bottle I find and let nature take its course' clinging to it, but Vulcan would take that over the stench of cigarette smoke any day.

West Virginia was shuffling a stack of papers. They really didn't need to be shuffled, but he figured it added some level of importance to them. How to Look Professional When You're Actually Doing Nothing: a set of skills passed down to him by a random assortment of politicians he didn't care for very much. I'm not saying names, it's open to your interpretation. However, regardless of your political standing, we both know you just thought of at least. Three current politicians. How dare you! This is the 70s, be historically accurate while reading my story about personified countries with whimsical flag faces and overdramatized emotions inserted into world events that impact billions of lives.

"I wrote to the USSR! It took a couple drafts to get what I wanted to say right," He waved dismissively to the crumpled papers on his desk and floor. Vulcan spotted one that just said 'PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE-', but what works works, she supposed, "And he's willing to take a crack at the bridge issue!"

"You wrote the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics and he just... responded? How'd you go and get him to agree?"

"I'm a very skilled diplomat."

"..."

...

"...Of course, the condition of where we would discuss the issue did come up, but-"

──────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────────

"Why is that whore on my newly mowed front lawn?"

North Carolina rubbed his face tiredly as the coffee machine finished its job, caught off-guard by America's sudden tone change. 

"Dad, you can't keep disrespecting your own postal service, it's-" North Carolina glanced over his should stopped short, "Oh. That skank."

America stood inches away from the glass- mildly fogging it up with his breath- and looking at the country as if the visitor were a hissing, rabid naked mole-rat foaming at the mouth with rabies.

"My day has been irrevocably ruined."

"Is there anything happening for him to need to...be here?"

"There's nothing that can happen for him to need to be anywhere. At anytime," America mourned as he stared out of the window for another silent moment, "...We need to burn the front yard."

"We don't need to burn the front yard."

"I don't care about my landscaping that much," He took his coffee mug from NC, "I'm going to throw this at him."

"Don't- don't. Don't...?"

"Are the children safe?"

"Uhm... Yes?"

"What about the international children?"

"International children?"

"West Germany, South Korea-"

"You mean the grown adults? The grown adults running their grown countries with grown politicians?"

"I don't like your tone."

"Sure. Sure, Dad. I'm sure they're fine-"

"Dammit, he's knocking on my door," America exasperatedly rubbed his eyes, "We need to burn that, too. Shame. I liked that one."

"We don't need to burn- It's fine, it's locked," The state assured, "It's locked, we can pretend we didn't hear him, play dead, and I know damn well none of the others are going to-"

North Carolina paused as West Virginia politely welcome USSR in with a firm handshake. America's eye twitched. Shocked. Betrayed. Possibly gobsmacked.

"Well. Well then..." NC started to make another pot of coffee. He's sure it'll be needed it, "I hope you know it's unethical to burn him...?"

America sulked back over to his seat. He rested his head on the table. The lifted it. Then rested it again. Then- Oh. No. He's just banging his head on his desk while being mindful of his health insurance.

──────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────────

It was surprisingly easy for West Virginia to get the entire personification of the Soviet Union into the house. He just walked right in.

It's not like they were discreet, either. Virginia was reading on the couch in one of the sitting rooms when the strange duo passed by. She barely even moved. She glanced up once, squinted at them, then looked back to her novel. She was off the clock.

They passed Secret Service in the hallway, too. All he accomplished was borderline tackling DC and dragging him into a nearby dark room. That didn't help anyone. Especially not the capitol's spine.

When they finally got to the door of USA's study, West Virginia's knock was greeted by a muffled groan of pure agony for thirty seconds. Somehow, less discreet than their entrance. It got louder and more pained as it dragged on. Soviet didn't seem remotely fazed. It eventually subsided, replaced by a shuffling WV could only assume was shoving everything his father wouldn't want who he considered the #1 threat to life on earth to see into his desk drawers. The Mountain State vaguely wondered if that included the gag gift dartboard with the face of a certain union to the left of him on it from Australia a good couple of Christmases ago.

A couple of unintelligable whispers later, America open the door. He had a smile on his face that didn't quite reach his eyes. Looking past him, Gin concluded that he did not, in fact, hide the dartboard. Or cover the crude phrases written on it. It was moved to a more central location.

"Good afternoon, Sovyetskikh!" USA grabbed the guest's hand a shook it firmly. Maybe a little too firmly. He was white knuckling the handshake, "I wasn't aware you were stopping by today! What an unwel- unexpected surprise! And West Virginia...! You're. Also here."

West Virginia waved enthusiastically. America gave him a tight smile only a parent who wants to act nice in front of company but will raise hell once they're gone could give.

"Hello," USSR tilted his head to look a little further into the room, still stuck in the lengthy handshake, "Hello, Texas."

It was a miracle that North Carolina didn't jump out of the window right then and there.

"Well, come on in! I certainly hope you're not here to tell us any bad news," America laughed. He didn't seem to be breaking the handshake anytime soon, so Soviet maintained it while the two awkwardly shuffled into the study together. WV was quick to follow.

"I have one like that," The Euroasian absentmindedly nodded to the dartboard, "From Australia during the 1964 Olympics."

"Ah. I'm sorry to hear that."

"My face is not on mine."

"We got ours in 1964, too," West Virginia recalled, "Aussie must've had a discount somewhere."

America's second betrayal of the day. Third, counting the time he went 'pspsps' to his cat Laundry this morning resulting in her staring at him then walking away. Somehow, that wounded him more than the other two.

"To answer your question: no bad news." Soviet paused to think, "...Yes, no bad news. For you. Today."

America nodded. NC put down the baseball bat he was holding behind his back and nudged it behind a nearby chair. USSR ignored it for the most part, trying to prompt the dissolution of the handshake. It wasn't working.

"I expected a sawed-off shotgun," He mused.

"Soviet. I believe that the usage of those kinds of national stereotypes are very harmful to society as a whole," America remarked, "Now then. If you're here for diplomacy, do you. Do you want some vodka, or...?"

"He's not here for diplomacy," WV cut in.

North Carolina started to reach back behind the chair. 

"We need to borrow your study,"!West Virginia continued, "My office has water damage."

North Carolina's hand slowly retreated.

"Oh! Yes, of course, and-" America squinted, "...Why?"

"Well, the pipes burst on the floor above me. Leaked down through the ceiling," The West Virginian rattled on, talking with his hands, "Not ideal, but the damage should be fixed within two weeks or so. I blame Weirton. We were talking about the weird sounds from the walls before, and I said we should contact a plumber, but he was all like 'no, maybe it's rodents,' but I knew it wasn't the rodents and-"

"That's not- No," America's smile faltered for moment, "No. Not that."

"I agree," Soviet nodded solemnly, "Rodents sound much different than plumbing issues."

"You would know how rodents sound you little ra-" United States interrupted himself and looked back to his lazily named son, "Why do you need an office to talk to the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics?"

"Because the diner was too loud."

"Gin. Do you like being in my will?"

Now's the right time to spring it, West Virginia supposed. From the twitching in America's stars, he could tell he might make the poor man have an aneurysm. Goodness, he doesn't want to kill his dad! He just wants to extort an exuberant amount of money from him with questionable ethics!

"He's going to help me fund a bridge for the town of Vulcan. You know? The one I asked you about? The one I asked my own father to help me with? In my time of need?" West Virginia feigned innocence, "That one? The one you refused to help me with getting? It's alright though, Soviet Union wants to help. He'll hear me out on funding bridges for the troubled folks in my state."

"I will be more than happy to help him," Sovyetskikh assured, "Seeing as a simple bridge is... inopportune for you."

America vaguely wondered what his life would be like if he never had children. Not that he doesn't love them, but he imagined his blood pressure would be much healthier.

Speaking of blood pressure, North Carolina was helpfully making note that the award of Highest Blood Pressure Raiser must go to West Virginia this year. The trophy's finally back in the hands of the states! This year might even be a contender for breaking the record, if America manages to get into cardiac arrest.

Quite frankly, America has no idea what the hell West Virginia was talking about. He had already forgotton about the request. He vaguely remembered some sort of rambling from him a good while ago, but he's not the best listener when he's practically alive by the grace of an IV of caffeine.

Still. Fake it 'til you make it.

Too bad he was a terrible actor.

"The bridge?" America gasped loudly, "Wh- Oh! The Vulcan bridge? What do you mean? You're getting three hundred thou-"

West Virginia shot him a look of unfathomable sadness.

"...Three hundred thousand and one million dollars for it," USA swiftly finished, "It was. It was in the works since you've asked me. These things just take a bit of time."

The swindler's smile grew. North Carolina, upon realizing there were going to be no heart attacks today, shook his head at how easily his dad caved under embarassment and giddily slipped out of the room to inform Florida that his score had been beaten this year.

"Oh, right, of course," WV nodded, "I should've guessed you were up to something like that! Your notice was probably ruined with the water damage before I could read it!"

"Ehm- Yeah! Probably! Those- Those darn water pipes, amiright?"

"Looks like I don't need you anymore, Soviet," West Virginia turned and waved, "Welp! Thanks, you two! Off to tell Vulcan. Try not to start a nuclear armaggedon. It'd ruin my new carpet. And bridge."

With that, he was gone in a flash. His cheering for his successful scam could be heard in the distance. Then tripping over a lump in the carpet in the distance. Then silence.

He.

He's probably fine.

It was quiet for a long time afterwards.

"Well, looks like that settles everything..." America reasoned.

The long silence restarted as soon as it was broken.

"...You should," America began, "You probably have. Work. To do. People to see. So..."

The two unions stood in an uncomfortable silence for a couple of minutes.

"...Oh, to hell with it," America patted USSR on the shoulder, finally breaking the handshake, "You disgust me on a professional, personal, and spiritual level so I want you to leave."

"Never touch me again."

[timetravellingkitty]

hey did you guys win the elections? (If so thats great!!!! So happy for u guys)

I don't know how to explain to people that our defeat feels like a victory

[irissuite]

tagged by @neverlandmylove (HI EVE ILY 🫂) to list my fav first watches of 2024!!

tagging @gakupo7 @celerybeast @squingy and whoever else wants to !

[sliceofdyke]

fire emoji + psychological horror

omg i am not into psychological horror at all bc i am a scaredy cat so i guess my unpopular opinion would be that. Um. lawlight is overrated as a romantic pairing, their dynamic is very interesting but it's Weird for ppl to be shipping a high schooler and an adult (bc L is actually like 25)

[immortaladrien]

You know what time it isss. Eve's weird question time: describe your wips but in a form of AITA (am i the asshole posts from reddit)

this works surprisingly well, i’m floored

Mistborne: AITA for dragging my friends in the woods on a sidequest that might up kill us all? We’re all immensely powerful heroes on our way to slay a dragon, and decided to rest in a random town for the night. No biggie. Turns out this town is terrorized by a witch living in the woods! Naturally, I peer pressure my friends into taking a pit stop to kill the witch. Here’s the catch. It turns out the witch is like, crazy powerful and even her low level traps have ended up in near death scenarios for all three of us; We can’t even turn back because of how disorienting the forest is! We’ve taken multiple detours and this has never happened before… how was I supposed to know this one would turn out so badly?

In The End: AITA for encouraging my friends to steal magical items off dead tyrants to topple a reign of terror? Lol okay this might sound really bad, but I’m talking these corpses are like, mass murderers! My friends can totally handle the artifacts and I’m sure they won’t go mad with power. Sure some of them don’t exactly trust themselves with the objects (pretty sure one of them has been mind controlled by an artifact before), but that’s just because they’re anxious. Someone has to save the world so no harm no foul, right?

[ask-the-usa-manor]

100% Michigan with Yooper and America

[ralfmaximus]

Tesla is tanking so hard it is dragging the entire EV segment's sales down into the negative. When you omit Tesla from the equation, EV sales are up 13% across the board.

Don't let anyone tell you EV sales are in a slump.

[worm-on-a-blog]

[> worm offers you hope for the new year.]

[> do you accept?]

[ghostofkathrine]

Bat vase by Richard Freiwald

[ysaona]

[street-of-mercy]

[ask-the-usa-manor]

NO WAY IS THIS BLOG STILL ACTIVE??? i thought i was like. dead for like at least two years or something and i just kept seeing it in the statehumans tag cuz all the posts there are old but NO THE LAST POST IS FROM LIKE LAST MONTH huge win. hallooo.

(Hello!! Don’t worry, we’re still alive!! I’ve just been a little too swamped with school (and a lot of colds, for some reason) to do the research I need to answer some of the asks, I don’t want to misinform any HCs or anything. I also don’t tag #statehumans myself as often these days because I don’t want to clog it (I usually post in waves and I’ve noticed I’ve accidentally drowned out really cool posts of other smaller accounts’ a couple times when I did) so you might find more old than new posts on it, you can find a lot more recent ones on the blog itself. But I certainly plan on continuing the blog!! I’m almost done with a long ask answer. 👀

Thank you very much, I’m glad you like my posts!! 😊)

[timetravellingkitty]

omg do you listen to maya hawke??

yep!

[your-absent-father]

I think people misunderstand "x fell first, y fell harder " trope because it's not about like the one who fell harder loves the other person harder. It's just that the one who fell first falls in a graceful way, one step at the time, maybe gradually over a span of time. The one who fell harder smashes trough the air, there's blood everywhere, everything is fine-

[sliceofdyke]

the post you just rbed made me realize i havent read akane banashi since sept 2023 and i feel like such a fake fan oh my god

😭😭 ITS OKAY i need to catch up too