#Epona is fucking insane

[metanoianmayhem]

I think I've had more than enough adventures that I might start recounting them to y'all. Let's start with this one.

When I was a bitty thing with wild curls, one front tooth and an attitude much larger than myself, and was quite a bit smaller than my peers. (read: probs about age 5 or 6?)

Anyways...

I'm a nice Jewish kid. We started reading Hershel and the Hannukah Goblins when I was very small.

For those of you not familiar, it's a lovely story that's also very funny and includes a part about a goblin getting his hand stuck in a pickle jar.

This is important to keep in mind for this next bit.

It was hot, and per large family gatherings we'd been taught self help for snacks, especially in the summer bc we lived in an old Victorian house that had terrible insulation! Making it too hot to cook real food.

So I was fishing around the fridge and found my snack, as lovingly taught to me. P I C K L E S.

Having read said book around Hannukah, I looked at the jar. Jar didn't have many pickles left and I wanted them.

I am very, very small, and the backstairs led directly to my bedroom.

Later, I crept downstairs, opened the fridge in the dark, and stuck my very teeny hand into the jar and grabbed a fistful of pickles. Joy!

...annnd then I couldn't get my hand out of the jar. Much like goblin, unwilling to relinquish my prize I'm standing there - pickle jar in one hand, hand in the jar for the other.

It is at this point my dad walked into the kitchen from the dining room.

I pause and look at him. He pauses, and takes in the scene at hand.

Without saying a word, he turned around and left.

O and I got my whole handful out. Turns out my paws were more than enough for my gluttony.

[huh-1260]

Can't post the beginning of my fluff fics, and I know I can do it on mobile but I hate mobile ao3's tag system, and now my brain is trying to fight me to create a Gundam LU au and I'm slowly thinking about drawing/writing it, and now I'm trying to decide whether or not I have Sky as a living person or have his soul stuck in a system, aka that system is Fi I guess, that is imputed into the Chain's mobile suits like Blue Destiny's EXAM system with a LITERAL child's soul in it. Actually that happens alot in Gundam, maybe I can do it to First instead and have everyone be a biological clone with other people's DNA mixed in so the clones don't fall apart, except Twi and Wind. Twi actually Time's kid with Malon, and Wind found Time's abandoned mobile suit/Gundam on Earth (because Time technically is MIA and also getting hunted down by the government for running away from a War even though it was over also gives the downfall and Adult timeline bullshit). Ffffucccckkkkkk I'm actually into this AU now. FUCK! I like this AU and it might become a real thing.

[ryo-apologist]

Racer! Link

Racer! Link x Reader

CW: Smut, Minors DNI, I will block your ass, author knows nothing about racing and it shows

AN: Yes, this is about that Link. The one with the elf ears, says "Hyah!". Yeah I'm a Linked Universe Nerd. Sucks to be y'all. Keep ya guessing on which fandom has my balls this week.

~Darling XOXO

☾ So, I hesitated writing this for a number of reasons, but I decided I don't care. Hozier has a new song, April has me face down in the mattress with how hard it's fucked me and I just want to write about a Link near and and dear to my heart.

☾ Mario Kart Link.

☾ He's just a silly lil goober who's always having a good time. Especially when I play as him because what is second place? He'll never know.

☾ I know, canonically, both are Skyward Sword! Link and Breath of the Wild! Link. I do not care.

☾ Because come with me, sinner, as we explore a whole new world. A world where Mario Kart isn't a silly lil game. It's an empire.

☾ Like Fast and the Furious (I think, idk I never watched any of them). OR like sk8 the infinity at S. I do know that one.

☾ There are real things at stake here. It's intense, and it's heavy.

☾ Here, give me a break while I do some worldbuilding here. Mystery blocks are still a thing, they work by magic idk, except getting hit by one of those things is devastating. It's why the newcomers don't last long.

☾ All the main screen players (Mario, Luigi, Bowser, Inkling boy, etc.) are high level racers. They are A-listed and the ones you look out for if you see them in the lineup.

☾ Including Link himself. He drives a motorcycle he named Epona, which he built himself from scratch.

☾ I spent a lot of time (three minutes) trying to figure out a clever nickname for him, and then I saw some of the names other people gave their Linksona's and, while there's nothing wrong with them, I quickly realized I was overthinking things.

☾ It's mostly a stage name, his name is Link and outside of the raceway, he goes by it.

☾ But, for shits and giggles, and point of discerning him from the others, I don't care. Call him ratchet, greaser, racer, cypher, tank, axel, sparks. I'm giving you all the freedom! Me? Personally? I'm going to call him:

☾ Neo- a combining form meaning “new,” “recent,” “revived,” “modified,”

☾ Great I gave you some background, let's get into the fun parts.

☾ Neo, where do we begin with you.

☾ Have y'all read A Court of Mist and Fury? You know Rhysand?

☾ He's Cassian coded.

☾ LMAO You thought.

☾ He's a fun, kind-of guy but when shit gets real, he can shift from zero to a hundred like that.

☾ He'll be laughing with a newbie, patting them on the shoulder, but the second that visor comes down, he's unrecognizable. He's an A-lister for a reason.

☾ He's infamous for taking shortcuts that are insanely dangerous. He's almost always bandaged somewhere, but not his pretty boy, play bunny face.

☾ So Cassian and Lightning McQueen.

☾ He's totally the kind to shoot a wink and a flirty wave, spend the night and then be gone by morning. Or have them escorted out by his Zelda in the morning, Tony Stark style

☾ He's a slut.

☾ Can you tell I like my men slutty?

☾ And he's such a....character in bed.

☾ He's a selfish lover, but make no mistake about it. His partner gets their end. That's right. I said lover. He's fucked bowser.

☾ I'm kidding

☾ No I'm not.

☾ He doesn't care who's in his bed. Man, woman, the funky others who say FUCK YOU to the gender spectrum /pos

☾ He'll bottom, top, switch it up mid-way through. He just like me fr.

☾But he's not lazy. Selfish, yes, but lazy? No. He's the best rider both on and off Epona, yk yk.

☾ And he has such a pretty cock too. A pretty flushed pink, circumcised with such a lovely vein running up the bottom of it. And while pretty, sorry his balls aren't much to write home about.

☾ They are dangerously sensitive though. Suck on them and run your thumb along the head of his dick and he'll whimper.

☾ SPEAKING OF-

☾ He whimpers so nicely. God, when he's in the middle of bouncing up and down on you (artificial or organic both are good), and his own hands are running up his chest, plucking at his own pebbled nipples and playing with the piercings as his head is thrown back in pure bliss-

☾ He's probably sponsored by Monster Energy

☾ Has a sugar daddy FOR SURE. God wish I was HIM.

[gravyhoney]

*asks about your ocs*

HEHEEHEHEHEHFHFDHJGJDJDJDJDJSJ

Ok I’ll talk abt the characters in the video bc I have tooooo many and I assume those were the ones u were referring to. Also this is going to be a long fucking post and might not be entirely connected and stuff, but bear with me. I love talking about my ocs and I go a little insane. If you have any clarification questions I’m HAPPY to answer them :)

They all have slightly connected stories, but only to a very little degree. They’re all somehow connected to/affected by the blue haired woman in the beginning. So they r, in order of appearance, Nixie, Rubix, Cinnamon, Revery, Kevin, and Epona.

I’ve talked abt Rubix before, not so much the others, but they’re all a part of a species that suffered a serious collective trauma (extinction event that wiped most of them out)

Rubix was too young to remember it, but got wildly traumatized in different ways dw.

Living on their world before the Fall, were shifters who the travelers had long standing (slightly one sided) beef with, so most travelers grew up hating shifters, including Nixie. Her hatred was far amplified by the deaths of her oldest and youngest brothers, and she was falsely led to believe it was the fault of shifters.

Cinnamon was her best ever friend, Kevin was Cinnamon’s bf, and Revery, stick with me on this one, was Kevin’s best friend’s younger sibling (Epona and Rubix come into play later) when the Fall happened, they all got separated and believed the others died. This far quicker fueled Nixie’s hatred and set in motion her mass revenge plan, which she decided she would not let anyone stop her from her true purpose (kill all shifters ever). Nixie did not stop short of seriously harming and even killing other travelers for their abilities or their silence. Epona was one of the lucky few who survived, but they have serious memory loss due to it.

Rubix, as stated before, was very young when the Fall happened so she doesn’t remember it. She grew up in various different situations, and Nixie was the first person like her that she’d ever met. Rubix was extremely excited to know Nixie until they realized that Nixie was manipulating them into harming people who didn’t deserve it, and also got beat to shit. Not to the extent Epona did, but you know. :)

Revery, finally not in denial about the Fall and (possible) death of not only his entire family, it entire species, settled temporarily in a town that already had various shifters living there. (She had to face and unpack her own biases towards shifters). But then NIXIE SHOWS UP!! And she’s super excited bc Nixie was in her older sister’s friend group (older sister character is not my oc, otherwise she would’ve been in the video) and she’s like ‘omgggggg someone I know!! I’m not the last existing traveler!!’ And Nixie is like ‘it’s so cool ur here. We have to kill all these shifters.’ And Revery is NOT fucking down for that, and they fight.

Cinnamon was Nixie’s best friend growing up, and helped her through both of her brother’s deaths, as well as her parents’ divorce following their loss. Cinnamon had a vague idea of Nixie’s shifter hatred, but didn’t really care bc once again. They were ALL raised to hate shifters, so it wasn’t like. Surprising. What WAS surprising though, was when Cinnamon and Nixie FINALLY found each other after the Fall and Nixie was killing other TRAVELERS if they stood in her way (not just travelers, anyone really, but Cinnamon was most put off by her murdering their own people)

Kevin…..wasn’t really affected by Nixie. Same with Cinnamon, he was put off by her willingness to kill survivors, as well as being Nixie’s best friend’s boyfriend, so yk. But he has a fun thing happening, when he survived, it was with a group of other ppl including his best friend, Revery’s older sister Celeste (@/helpimcoveredinbees character). Celeste kinda went insane and randomly disappeared, so with the Fall, the belief his long term girlfriend is dead, and the sudden leaving of his best friend, Kevin kind of lost it and literally became delusional. He also left and uh. Became a space cowboy. Until Celeste and Cinnamon both reappeared, and he snapped out of his psychosis and was like. ‘Oh god. I’ve made a mistake (became a cowboy)’

So uh. Yeah. That’s Nixie and the ppl she seriously traumatized.

[monpalace]

OKAY IDEA!!! JUST GOTTA PUT THIS SOMEWHERE BEFORE I FORGET

The chain meeting Twilight’s mom (who is totally a milf) and finding out —through her directly or by stories Twi tells them that SHE told him— that Time is HER father, making Twilight his grandson

POINTS THAT I THINK ARE FUN TO EXPLORE

(Before meeting twi’s mom) Twilight telling the group about how he didn’t know much about his family outside of his ma

Tei says that he thinks his mom and her parents had a strained relationship —more with her father than mother but thats what he assumes

Twi being told that his grandpa was a fisher man at heart and could be very child like when in a good mood

Twi being told his grandma had a way with horses and how Twi natural inherited that even tho the two never met

Twi’s mom singing him ssong that his grandma sang to her (epona song?)

Twi’s mom and his grandpa rarely got along, to the point were she had left BEFORE he had died

(During/after meeting Twi’s mom) Twi’s mom nearly having a heart attack at the sight of Time, grabbing Twilight and keeping him behind her

After first interaction and Twi’s mom being reassured Time wasn’t a ghost, they all have a very tense dinner at Their home <3

Twi’s mom is aggressively doing chores as she tries to calm her mind, which isn’t working considering the boys are VERY curious

Eventually one proudly asked she knew that her and her son was related to the hero of Time, she said yes in a very bitter tone

Que the boys asking questions as mama twi passive aggressively does idly chores/cleaning (keeping her back to Time the whollleee time.)

Through gritted teeth she explains the connections. But she did say that she didn’t realize her father was the hero of Time many years AFTER he died

Can you imagine how utter horrified and disgusted Time would be in himself for driving his own daughter away

Okokay! Thats it for now, dont wanna make this too long <3

i sat here thinking you said time and twi's mom were both his parents and not like,, generational,,,,, i genuinely had the thought of "oh. his swimmers stayed alive for a hundred years after he died and was skeletonized?? that's fucking insane"

but ignoring my insanity + inability to read, that's such a good idea??

if time were to figure out that his (unborn/imaginary/planned/etc/etc) daughter was twi's mother before they met, i'd imagine he'd be anxious (in a good way) to meet her-- what with how often twi talks about her and how high in his regards she is

but also imagine if he didn't tell twi that he came to the realization before meeting her? epona's song, twi's natural taking to horses and farmwork, and every other skill handed down to him throughout the generations was an almost immediate flag to time; but then twi starts to divulge information regarding his mom and grandpa?

"ion know if he was dead before i was born, but i never got to meet 'im. she tol' me that she left on bad terms wit' 'im 'n' then he died," and time is immeadiately sent through a flurry of emotions?

what did he mean by she left of bad terms? was it just a usual family fight, or was it something more serious? did she never return? in his line of work, he expected to die, but did she attend his funeral? did they leave off so horribly that she turned her back to him entirely? was it all his fault, or was it some outside force?

time's plagued by his questions, but he doesn't ask them. he didn't want to ruin whatever relationship he had already built with grandson because who knew how much longer they'd have to travel together with whatever emotions that lingered from them

GRAHHH‼️‼️‼️ all i can say is that twi's mom is a bigger person than me,,, time would not be coming in my house and that the rest of the chain can join him in sleepin miles away if they didnt know how to read a room

[cafecourage]

Tis I, your friendly Neighbourhood Hero of Twilight Simp. One thing before I go to bed (because its 3am RIP me.) What if pre-wolfie discovery, Reader has been baby talking and giving all the affection to Twilight (and Epona but that's not the point)? At some point, Reader discovers Wolfie's secret and decides to turn the affection dial up to 11 and break off the knob, because on one hand, cute puppy. On the other, the perfect opportunity to fuck with your crush. It's win-win.

Insanity go to bed don’t pull a me!

But god imagine his face when you do. One particularly affectionate day he just can’t look into your eyes anymore because he is so flustered? God I would pay money to see that.

[luimagines]

To the anon who killed Reader, I raise you Farore comes charging in perched on Epona, with shades on and to the tune of Gasolina. “Sorry little sister. I think NOT.” and heals Reader because fuck you Hylia. - Insanity

Nayru's love says no.

:)

[queenof-literature]

Ok okokok I’m sorry if this is already asked but how would the Links react to finding out that Wild helped (and practically built) Tarrey Town?

Hi thank you so much for the request! I took some creative liberties for this one. For example I know that as Link you just get bundles of wood and find people mostly, but I expanded it to have him helping to build homes and help the elderly move in because he’s Wild of course he would. Also I 100% Wild and Hyrule both, if not more of the group, have Imposter Syndrome because 1) It fits with their characters 2) I like self projecting :D This turned out to be so much longer than I intended I’m so sorry. 

“Wild!” Legend whined. No, he did not whine. Legend did not whine, he simply was tired of walking. “Tell us where we’re going!” Groaning as Wild simply walked on. Legend would almost call it skipping. The boy seemed much more lively than he was in Twilight’s Hyrule, although that made sense since they landed in Wild’s this morning. When Legend first met Wild, he mistook his silence for some kind hatred or malice. Towards the group, or his Hyrule, or himself, Legend didn’t know. But Legend had come to learn that Wild’s heart was full of love, all of the heroes' hearts were. It was something he was jealous of at first.

Watching the Hero of Time, the Hero of Twilight, all of them, he hated them in the beginning. Perhaps hate is a strong word. He knew they weren’t bad people, quite the opposite. Every time he saw Twilight do something right and be praised by Time, a hot knife went through him. He thought it was out of anger, that some farm boy seemed perfect. But he realized it was hurt later on. 

But then he truly saw them. He saw Sky struggle to think about how to build an entire Hyrule with his Zelda. He saw Twilight struggle to simply be in Ordon again, where he felt he didn’t belong after all he had been through. He saw Four struggle with some unnamed figures of his past. He saw Hyrule struggle with the weight of his new role in a group setting. He saw Warriors act proud and mighty, when in reality his shoulders sagged deep in the night under all the weight placed upon them. He saw Wind run his mouth until he wrote letters to his little sister, silent as the dead. He saw the Hero of Time clutch his blanket some nights, perhaps dreaming it was his wife, the only one who brought him comfort on lonely nights. Finally he saw Wild, silent and calculating, but also a tornado of untamed hair and a contagious smiles.

He wasn’t perfect and he never would be, even with an insane amount of quests and items in his back pocket. But his companions were nowhere near perfect themselves. If Legend were being honest, he finally felt like he belonged to this team of heroes. He felt he had a purpose, no longer just a lone spirit floating from quest to quest, only to be thrown into more danger his entire life. Sometimes he was kept awake by the thoughts of what happened after. Legend desperately hoped he would still be able to see the others after this quest was over. If not for him, but for the ones like Twilight and Wild who didn’t feel like they quite belonged completely in their Hyrules after all they had been through. Wild still had Zelda and Twilight still had Ordon, Legend could tell by the way they talked that they loved their Hyrules, but they were sometimes painful to be in after their journeys. Some of the other boys struggled with that too. In some twisted way, this quest was a blessing for all of them in one way or another. 

Legend had absolutely no idea how Time felt. He had to leave his beautiful and caring wife behind, even though he had obviously gone through hell in his adventures. And that was just the things he told them about. Everytime they were on Lon Lon Ranch they were fed, housed, and loved, all in exchange for some farm work. Did Time resent them? Twilight was Time’s descendant somehow, that meant Time would have children. And dear Hylia did that hurt. Time had to live, he had to raise his children. 

“What’s got you so excited, Cub?” Twilight asked fondly, thankfully bringing Legend from his thoughts. The group had taken a brisk walking pace through a bright green meadow, Wild barley containing himself to not break out in a run to get to their mysterious destination. Four gazed into the distance, and half of his mind cried out in joy when their gaze landed on one of the ‘shrines’ Wild had completed. 

‘Who cares about a shine?’

‘That could mean we’re near a village!’

‘Don’t get our hopes up, Wild said there's almost 140.’

‘But this one is super obvious!’

Four decided just to ask Wild himself to quiet the others in his head. He wasn’t answering Twilight and Legend. That didn’t say much though, Wild just enjoyed messing with them. 

“Hey, Wild? Does that shrine mean a village is nearby?” Four asked the boy leading the group. Wild simply turned and smiled widely. The group all whooped. Wild wouldn’t get their hopes up at the thought of staying in a village for the night only to crush them. 

Wild picked up the pace and gestured for the others to do so as well. He was excited to get back to the town and see Hudson and Rhodson again. Hudson was one man that was always genuinely kind to Wild, not forcing him into a job for him and always being hesitant to ask for help. It was honestly a nice change of pace. Wild certainly didn’t hate the people of his Hyrule, quite the opposite. But everyone was so desperate for help it sometimes came off as rude and it stacked up all at once. Hudson never snapped at him for taking too long, or being too quiet. He would simply ask if Link was okay and eating properly. Wild didn’t feel at home for a long time, but there were definitely places that came close to it. His house, the koroks and Deku tree who had memories of Zelda, and Tarry Town were at the top of that list. 

He wanted to show his friends Tarry Town so bad! They had been traveling together for months and yet they had never seen it. Wild couldn’t travel with more than a couple of people at a time with his slate, and even then it wasn’t the best idea to do it often. They had never traveled close enough for Wild to show them. It had been a while since they had been able to sleep in a village. They didn’t stay in every civilization they came across, they had other jobs to complete. But Wild’s Hyrule was so vast compared to the others that everytime they landed near a village, they would usually stay there for a night or two. 

Wild wanted his friends to see a place he loved, and he was excited to share it with them. He would most likely have jobs to do once there, but his friends could relax in the small town before they continued on. They were approaching the edge of the surrounding cliffs, sparkling waters calmly lapping the shores below. Wild led them to the edge of the cliffs, then tugged Twilight’s sleeve to get them to look in the direction he was pointing. Some of the others gasped at the sight, wondering how they missed it. 

Looking below, they could see a rising island protruding from the lake below, rising high above the water with a natural bridge connecting the mainland to the island-like structure. There, the village rested. From a distance the others could see houses similar to those surrounding Wild’s house in Hateno. Geometric squares and rectangles combining to create compact but roomy homes for those that lived in them. 

“It looks comfortable, Wild.” Time smiled. He wished more than anything he could let the others stop as often as possible. These boys deserved rest and slept on the ground far too often. Villages also had cooking pots in Wild’s Hyrule, which caused the others’ mouth to water just thinking about it. Wild could create cooking fires pretty much wherever, but he was apparently limited on what he could make. Cooking pots allowed for more complicated recipes and stronger potions than a makeshift one. 

Wild beamed and led them along the cliff. Not close enough to be dangerous, but Twilight always feared Wild would see something useful to them and go jumping off a cliff to retrieve it. Like a goddamn toddler seeing something shiny, not using his paraglider until the last fucking minute and giving him a heart atta-

Wild tugged on his sleeve again to gain his attention. Wild’s scars had been acting up today, causing his throat to close up more than usual. He could still talk, it was just harder and hurt more some days. It had become rarer as time went on, but it still happened. 

‘Not going to jump’ Wild signed while smirking. Twilight glared at him and swatted the hand away from his sleeve. Wild grinned that shit eating grin wider, and Twilight was pissed his cub knew exactly what he was thinking. 

The group continued walking along the cliffside, admiring Wild’s Hyrule and its stunning colors along the way. Wild, although excited, seemed a little rigid, hand resting on his knife.

“Is everything alright, Wild?” Sky questioned.

‘Yes. Lots of rocks for Yiga to hide behind.’ Wild sighed widely for everyone to see. He was about to warn them anyway, he didn’t want them to be caught off guard. 

“We’ll keep an eye out.” Warriors confirmed. There was no reason to tell the kid to not worry, that would be a lie. 

Wild smiled freer this time and nodded. Warriors was glad the kid didn’t get as frustrated when he couldn’t talk anymore. Wild was finally learning that there were some things that were simply out of his control. 

They eventually approached the large arch that acted as a bridge into the village. 

"Can this support all of us?” Twilight asked, glancing towards Epona. 

‘It's a lot stronger than it looks. I ride across it all the time.’ Wild responded while already beginning to cross, the others following without another moment of hesitation. Wild led the way into the small town.

Upon approaching, the first thing they noticed was a platform in the middle of the town with a statue of Hylia in the center. It always struck the group as interesting that even in Wild’s Hyrule in ruins, people still believe very strongly in the Gods, most likely taking comfort in them. Surrounding along the edge of the island were houses all facing towards the center. That wouldn't really provide any space to build more houses in the future but it opened the door to close knit neighbors. In front of the houses were tables selling arrows by a Rito, gems by a small Goron, and what appeared to be armor by a Gerudo. Overall it seemed very culturally diverse. 

"Link!" A hearty voice called out. The group turned to see a man with a head that was… odd to say the least. Like an elongated egg to be frank, with chestnut hair cut in a long bowl cut all the way down to the man’s ears. On his arm was a beautiful Gerudo woman wearing bright white loose pants decorated with yellow swirls, along with a crimson top, the same swirls adorning it. Her bright red hair in a large high ponytail. 

Wild waved at them and signed something they didn't understand, most likely their names. 

“It’s so good to see you, little one.” The Gerudo woman gave a small smile which Wild eagerly returned. 

‘Good to see you too!’ Wild signed to the two of them. 

“Who are your companions my boy? And what have they done to travel with the elusive Link?” Hudson teased, laughing loudly at Wild’s red face as the other’s snickered quietly. 

‘These are my friends I’ve been traveling with.’ Looking back to Time who usually took care of starting introductions. 

“Hello, sir. Please call me Time.” Time stepped forward and shook Hudson’s hand. 

“I’m Wind!”

“Hey, ‘m Twilight.”

“My name’s Four”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Warriors.”

“Legend.” 

“Hi, I’m Hyrule.”

“Hello sir, I’m Sky.”

“Those are all… very interesting names.” Hudson stared at them.

‘Why, because they don’t end in son?’ Wild signed with a smirk, fingerspelling son at the end. 

“It’s Bolson Construction Policy!” 

“Okay darling, I believe we do not need to get into this argument again.” Rhodson quickly dispelled the rant she knew her proud husband would get into.

They’re nicknames.” Twilight offered simply. He would ask Wild what he was talking about with the whole ‘son’ thing later. 

“Awe I see. Well any friend of Link’s is welcome here. Afraid we can’t give you much of a discount at the inn, we’re still a new village. But I’m sure Kapson will find a way to fit you all in there.” Hudson said in a gruff voice. “I have to go help Monari with her leaky roof. Are you staying long, Link?” Hudson finished.

‘A night or two. Does Monari need help?’ Wild signed. Monari had always been kind to him. 

“Oh, Link you’re always so eager to help. Relax for once. You practically built the town, you don’t need to repair it all too.” Hudson chided with a grateful smile. 

“Wait… what?” Warriors interrupted from the back. “Did Wild help build a house or something?” During his quest? Was an un added question on everyone’s mind. 

“A house? Try the town. Boy got me over a hundred bundles of wood, traveled all over Hyrule to find the exact people I needed, helped me build and paint the houses, you name it.” Hudson finished proudly, looking like he wanted to clap Wild on the back but thought better of it. 

“Wild… what?” Warriors looked over at his smaller companion in shock.

“When did this happen?” Twilight looked equally as puzzled. Wind looked as if his brain had stopped working all together, expressive face frozen with his jaw to the floor. Sky also looked shocked. 

“You built an entire town and you didn’t tell me?” Hyrule had a look of utter betrayal. 

“Damn, kid. And here I thought you couldn’t get more selfless.” Legend’s eyebrows were raised, but underneath he looked impressed and almost proud. 

“Don’t challenge him.” Four scolded. They all knew what happened the last time Legend challenged Wild over something innocent and seemingly stupid. They don’t remember much of the challenge itself but they do remember the end result. Wild, with a shit eating grin and three broken bones, cackling as fire rained from above. That was the day Twilight almost went comatose. 

As the others expressed their shock, Wild’s face grew as red as an apple. 

“Did you not tell them, Link?” Hudson’s voice reflected pure amusement at the young boy’s bright red face.

‘It never came up. I did it mostly after I finished the Divine Beasts, some was before though’ Wild signed before pulling his hood up to hide his embarrassingly warm face.

“Wha- never came up? You helped build an entire town while on your Hyrule-wide quest, and still saved your Zelda in a timely manner along with every other town in your Hyrule?” Warriors yelled aghast, forgetting for the moment that Hudson and Rhodson were probably confused by what Warriors had just said. Wild shrugged. 

‘Can I help with repairs?’ Wild asked again, ignoring Warriors’ spluttering and Time’s amused chuckles behind his hand at the rest of the group joining in Warriors’ shock. 

“As I said, you should relax with your friends, but I’m sure Moggs and Monari would love to see you!” Rhodson exclaimed, moving her hand from around Hudson’s arm and gripping him by the hand instead, leading the group over to a house near the middle of the circle, just behind a table full of gems. 

“Brother!” A rough voice called as they approached the table. A large Goron rolled over, followed by a smaller Goron trailing behind. Once reaching their destination right in front of the group, the two Goron emerged from their balls, revealing an adult Goron with dark orange skin, and the smaller Goron having light yellow. Both of them were wearing bright yellow hard hats. 

‘Hi Greyson! Hi Pelison!’ Wild signed with a large smile. He had a hard time with the Gorons at first. For being rock hard people, they were certainly touchy feely with gratitude like Sidon was. Wild knew they meant no harm though, that was simply something he struggled with before he met the other Links. Greyson and Pelison never touched him though, which he was silently grateful for during his quest. Wild did like when the Gorons called him ‘brother’ though, it made him feel a part of something on the lonely days of conquering the Divine Beasts. 

‘These are my friends!’ Wild beamed, gesturing to the people behind him. Time softened looking at the proud face as Wild presented them like prized cattle at a fair. It was sweet… in a way.

“Nice to see Wild has someone to travel with him now.” Greyson laughed at Wild’s betrayed expression. 

“Yeah! Wild never brings anyone with him into town! I didn’t think he had any friends! Take your hood off, you look like a villain.” Pelison added bluntly, ignoring Wild making a frantic motion to cut it out, the group roaring with laughter. They could tell by Wild’s face he didn’t take any of it personally as he pulled off his hood with an entertained smile. 

“Link!” The group looked up to see a light teal Rito approaching Wild.

‘Hello Fyson!’ Wild greeted. Okay, Wild would definitely have to explain what the hell was up with with all the ‘son’ names. 

“Hello, my friend!” Fyson replied happily.

‘How’s your mom?’ Wild asked with a kind smile.

“She’s well thank you for asking! Our relationship has gotten much better since she realized I had my own shop you helped me set up! I must thank you again my friend!” Wild tried to wave it off, but Wind wouldn’t let him.

“Oh! Wild helped you and your mom?” Wind asked with wide eyes, while Wild had to resist rolling his own. Wind and his damn puppy eyes. Wild assumed he learned how to use that to his advantage from his pirate crew.

“Oh yes. My mom and I got in constant fights about me taking over the shop, but I wanted to start my own! When Wild was building tarry Town with Hudson, he told me I could set up a shop here!” Fyson nodded at Wild thankfully.

“Oh yeah, same with me. I hated the Southern Mines in Gerudo Town. I’m much happier here since Wild told me about this place and helped Pelison set up his shop.” Greyson clapped his little brother on the back. Even Pelison looked grateful for Wild.  

“Yes, Wild told me of this place as well when I was pressured to leave Gerudo Town to find a husband, which worked out very well.” Rhodson smiled down at her husband.

“He also found a Zora Priest for our wedding. He works at the inn now.” Hudson added. The group was shocked. Wild had gone out of his way to help people not only by saving Hyrule, but also personally as well. Going out of his way to help build an entire town for people to feel included. Even though it wasn’t Wild’s idea, he had still helped to execute it. 

Meanwhile, as more tales were strung about his good deeds, Wild looked incredibly flustered by all the attention and praise he was getting. Hyrule stepped forward and put a hand on his back. Wild jumped in surprise before relaxing into the traveler’s touch, smiling gratefully. It was hard to acknowledge what he had done for people sometimes. No matter how he was rewarded Wild still just felt wrong sometimes, and Hyrule felt the same way about his land. 

“Well, we will let you and your friends settle Link.” Fyson finished the conversation, thankfully seeing Wild’s squirming posture. Wild smiled and waved as the Gorons and Rito went back to their businesses.

“Oh! Moggs and Monari! Let’s go see them and then you can take your friends to the inn and get beds for the night.” Sky continued to look around at the sights before him. Perhaps he could ask Wild for advice, he had to help Sky build a Hyrule afterall. Not now, he didn’t want to overwhelm him. Sky noticed a dog trotting around asking for food on various doorsteps, along with an odd looking horse with packs. Looking closer, Sky noticed it was what Wild called a donkey. On the roof of the house the donkey was at, was a man who seemed to be watching it all from above. Sky yearned to be higher up as well, he missed his Loftwing dearly afterall. He hadn’t had the time to teach all the boys how to fly on one yet. Hopefully that was in the near future. 

“Link my boy! How are you this fine day?” This must be Moggs then, Sky thought as he saw a wrinkled old man standing next to a small old woman. 

“Oh, Link! How are you?” The woman called. Wild smiled down at them, about to sign that he was fine, before Monari tugged him down and pinched his cheeks. Dear, Hylia. This old woman was doing the most grandmother thing in the book of grandmothers. Wild flushed a bright red as the woman went on about what a fine young man he was for helping her move in, and if he was injured at all. The two elderly Hylians seemed to be frail and a little odd in their old age, but sweet all the same.

Sky looked over at the others. Legend and Warriors were bent over clutching their stomachs and their mouths to prevent them from laughing. Four and Wind were openly giggling quietly and chattering with each other, probably thankful it wasn’t them for once. Twilight and Hyrule looked on with maniacal grins of pure glee, probably planning on using that against Wild later. Even Time seemed like he was having trouble controlling himself. Wild was finally able to gently wrestle out of the woman’s hold. 

‘Monari taught me how to make the honey crepe.’ Wild signed, desperate for a change in subject. Luckily, it worked. Although Wild knew he would get teased for this later. 

“Really?” Wind gasped. “It’s amazing.”

“I’m so glad you like it.” The old woman smiled at Wind, who stayed well out of pinching distance. The group continued to talk to the elderly couple before saying goodbye to reserve bed at the inn. It was still mid afternoon, but they had learned early on that with nine of them, it was better to ask for beds as soon as possible so there was room for them and a stable for Epona. As the group followed Wild a small distance to the inn, a voice that was somehow the embodiment of snotty noble called out.

“Boy!” The voice called harshly. Wild took a deep breath and turned to the side instead, going to the edge of the village as if it were a routine. The group approached a man with bleached blonde hair, and to the side was a little girl. She had similar features to the man. His daughter then.  

‘Yes Hagie wha-’ Wild started to sign. 

“You know I don’t care for your common hand motions. Those things are back again! What did you do?” The group bristled behind him at the man’s easy dismissal of their friend. Warriors stepped forward but Wild gave him a subtle look that stopped him. For now.

‘Blood moon.’ Wild finger spelled, knowing Haggis would at least understand that. He could maybe talk if he tried hard enough, but he didn’t want Hagie to hear his scarred voice while it was so rough. 

“I don’t care, I’ll give you another down payment to get rid of them. I can always tell by your clothes you need it, commoner.” The man, apparently named Hagie (And wasn’t that accurate), shoved a silver rupee into Wild’s hand. Sky bit his tongue. How dare this man treat Wild this way! After everything Wild had done to help them! Sky stepped forward and put himself between the two. 

“We’ll do whatever. Just stop talking.” Sky scowled, reminding Wild of when he broke the Master Sword in front of him. Sky grabbed Wild’s hand and dragged him away from the man, who simply huffed loudly and stalked to the cliff he was sitting on. Legend got the urge to push him into the waters below, but thought against it. Too many witnesses. 

“Does he always treat you like that?” Twilight asked his protege,  a sound similar to a growl deep in his throat.

‘No big deal.’ Wild signed, looking away from the fiery eyes of his mentor.

“It is Wild. I understand why you ignore him, but you still don’t deserve to be treated like that. Especially after you built the town he’s living in.” Time reminded Wild.

‘Helped build.’ Wild corrected, but it was nice to hear Time say that.

Wild led the group to the inn, only hearing half of the grumbled insults of the rich man on the cliff. 

‘Hi Kapson!’ Wild signed once the group was in the small inn. Like the other buildings, it was small, but roomier and homey on the inside. ‘These are my friends!’ Wild introduced them all by fingerspelling their names before asking for them all to stay.

“There’s a lot of you and only two beds.” Kapson stated gruffly. 

“We can share, sir.” Twilight stated for the group. 

“You could set the mattresses upstairs if you want to do that.” Kapson agreed, asking Time for their payment. 

‘I’ll be right back.’ Wild signed to the group after they moved the two mattresses.

“Where are you going?” Four asked.

‘Killing Guardians for Hagie. They never disappeared completely after the Calamity.’ Wild pulled a bow from his slate.

“Woah woah. We’re not letting you go alone. They’re Guardians!” Four scolded.

‘I have my paraglider and I can’t teleport with you all. There’s only two, I’ll be back in 20 minutes at most.’ Wild reassured.

“If you’re not back in 20 minutes, Wind is contacting you with his necklace.” Time ordered. Wild nodded and set out, leaving the group alone in Tarry Town. The group decided to explore the town a little bit more while it was still light out. Outside the inn in front of a nearby house, there was a woman sweeping on the porch. 

“Are you all friends of Link?” She called out quietly, barely catching their attention.

“Yes, ma’am. We are.” Time and the rest of the group approached.

“Oh. I was just wondering if you can give him my thanks. He helped my daughter heal. She wasn’t eating healthy, or running around anymore. He gave her something and she was better by morning. I thanked him, but I’m scared that it seems insincere because of my husband.” The woman pointed at the man on the cliffside much to the group's surprise. “My daughter is my everything. Please let Link know he has my thanks.” The woman finished with a bittersweet smile.

“Of course we will.” Warriors responded, floored by Wild’s selflessness once again. The woman thanked them and went inside to cook for her family. The group continued to explore the town and look at the surrounding areas before Wild returned. 

“You know. We could drug Hagie with one of Legend’s sleeping potions.” Wind whispered to the group when they were out of earshot from the other villagers. 

“Where would we take him?” Hyrule smiled, a truly horrifying look of evil in his eyes.

“Down to the place Wild is getting rid of the Guardians. He'd really piss himself if he woke up down there. You see all the dead ones down there?” Fours blue eyes shined.

“I’d happily volunteer a potion to see that happen.” Legend’s smile was as sharp as a knife. 

“Maybe we should blindfold him to make the experience more real and terrifying.” Sky suggested.

“You idiots!” Twilight chided. The other’s almost protested at Twilight ruining their fun before he interrupted them. “How the hell are we going to get him away from his daughter and wife?” Twilight finished as Warriors clapped his back.

“Eh, we’ll figure it out.” Warriors replied. At this point, no one could tell who was joking and who wasn’t. They all remembered Time, and looked to him nervously, half expecting a lecture from their leader.

“Don’t get caught.” Time stated, seemingly impassive. His eye, however, gave him away with a mischievous glint as the rest of the group cheered and laughed. 

~

Wild made it back safe and sound, albeit confused at the mentions of drugging and kidnapping he did not even want to know about at the moment. That evening, Wild and Monari made dessert for their dinner, honey crepes. The group all cheered and thanked them profusely through full mouths, eating far more than their stomachs could probably handle. Even Time stuffed his face full. That night, they all shoved themselves onto the two mattresses pushed together on the floor of the inn. At some point in the night, they all became an entangled pile of elbows and knees.

Twilight slept buried in Time’s shoulder, one arm taken captive by Wild. The rest of Wild was taken captive by Hyrule. Hyrule’s head rested on Legend’s arm. Warriors had curled an arm around Legend and Wind, who shoved himself between them. Both Warriors and Legend would absolutely deny this in the morning. Four curled up facing Warriors, snuggled in with Sky in his sailcloth. Finally, the group had a chance to rest with stomachs full and a good night sleep.

[zombolouge]

kettie replied to your post

“Accidentally threw my phone in the trash with my coffee cup at work....”

This sounds like this is from a fanfic... is your life fic, Zom???

You know, that is a pretty solid hypothesis considering the events of this year. 

Slips on ice, suffers three sprains and a concussion, but doesn’t figure it out for 24 hours because I’m an idiot

Plays Breath of the Wild excessively, accidentally sets my rare Epona on fire and that’s how I discover horses CAN DIE. WHY? NOT LIKE THIS, EPONA. NOT LIKE THIS. 

Sees both Roger Waters and Queen in concert, even though that was something I never thought would happen (I still cry abt it sometimes tbh)

Takes vacation to LA. On said vacation: has no air conditioning, blows up TWO tires within the same 1 hour block of time, gets sent to a storytelling workshop in a murder warehouse that turned out to be a nice distillery where I accidentally met a celebrity and didn’t realize it until four hours later, then I promptly contract sun-poisoning resulting in mild to severe insanity 

Got a new car, a credit card, and an official divorce filing all in the same week (these are all causes to celebrate, but the timing was fucking weird y’all)

Sees the exact same people perform in three different shows in the same week because I am unimaginative in my extracurricular activities

Drops my phone in the trash and has to explain to people walking by why I am digging around in the bin

I think it’s a crack fic. I think my life is a crack fic, you guys. ALSO, CAN THE AUTHOR JUST GO AHEAD AND GET TO THE ROMANCE PART NOW? NOBODY NEEDS A BURN THIS SLOW. I will fully embrace whatever ridiculous, over-the-top, bananas meetcute that the Universe has in store for me. 

Y’all, WHO DO YOU SHIP ME WITH?! 

[metanoianmayhem]

This counts as festive, yes?

[luminisvii]

So it’s pretty late right now and I’m liberally using the Bold function, but let’s talk about bad fanfiction.

Usually the first thing that springs to mind when it comes to bad fanfiction is My Immortal. Anyone who’s talked to me for more than five minutes knows that My Immortal is undoubtedly one of my favorite pieces of literature. And that’s not a joke, I think it’s an absolute masterpiece of bad. The misspellings, the reworkings of the characters to be goth/scene in an incredibly middle school way, to Marty McFly’s cameo to the chapter written by a self proclaimed troll--It’s a perfect storm of bad literature that makes for a hilarious read. I won’t get into a huge tangent but what makes My Immortal so funny is it has a certain level of naturalness to its writing where you’re never quite sure how serious the author is. The true joke is the mystery. We’ll never know who wrote the infamous fic and how serious they were when they did.

However, My Immortal is kind of scratching the surface. See, that’s a fic that’s actually funny bad. Most bad fanfiction is bad bad. Today, I intend to discuss the lesser known fanfic that I rank as being one of the most difficult reading experiences I ever had, and I only successfully pulled through after many years thanks to the love and support of my friends and us reading it out loud at 4 AM.

That fanfic is known as My Inner Life. Don’t let the title fool you, it was written well before our favorite goff showcase and it’s honestly a whole lot worse. This Legend of Zelda fic, written by one Jen and based on her dreams, features a young lady named Jenna who is a simple merchant traveling in Hyrule when one Link catches her eye and it goes downhill from there. The short version is that there’s a lot of overly dramatic sex, tedious clothes descriptions that include too many triforces, poor treatment of horses, Jenna getting praised and lavished with attention for no reason, and no research put into the lore.  After a while it straight up forgets about being an Ocarina of Time fanfic and launches off into some nonsense about griffins and an evil lord I can’t actually remember the name of (It was very late and I was very tired so I called him Lord Asshole after a while, it has the same effect) and also that The Griffins, who live just beyond the Black Mountains, do not trust easily.

If you wish to read it, you should probably quit now, but if you are too weak (which is honestly understandable) here’s my recounting of the story.

Where to start is a little bit hard, but a good place is the insane 2,000 word author’s note at the beginning. Jen, seemingly unaware of how thin skinned she’s being, goes on about how anyone who leaves her a negative review is being is immature and thin-skinned. Here’s a delightful excerpt that shows the author’s view on all of this!

“Also as a side note, I NEVER physically hurt ANYONE with this story. I got one reviewer that said. “Oh God please stop writing, your hurting everyone.” Now I want to know where I physically touched that person. I want to know how I’m twisting anyone’s arms to read this. I have never done anything of the sort in any way, shape or form and I DO NOT appreciate being accused of that! If you’re emotionally hurt over this, its your fault not mine.”

She spends quite a bit of time talking about how reviewers need to be more mature as she dedicates that much time to complaining about negative reviews and methodically rebuking everything they say from her poor grammar to Jenna being a Mary Sue. Now, props to the author for straight up saying that Jenna is the obvious author avatar that she is--Jenna is simply the dream persona of Jen, which okay, fine, that is not that bad. It’s what happens with Jenna that really makes me want to drink.

The other majorly telling factor is the first line of the story itself.

“Dreams come in many forms. Some good, some bad, some very realistic, even ones that feels very real.”

You may have noticed a redundancy there. That is only the beginning. If you get tired of hearing about the same things repeatedly, you will be VERY tired very quickly in here. Jen likes to constantly explain things to the point where she has footnotes in the story, and just after citing a footnote she explains what was cited in text anyway so now you have a double explanation.

“A tale of love, passion, despair and hope. I enjoyed my inner life. I looked forward to going to sleep to it every night. And I look forward to ones that will come, because LOVE WILL NEVER DIE.”

I love quoting that. I’m also not sleeping so I guess I don’t know the meaning of true love.

Anything beyond this point is where I start to die because I actually grew up playing Ocarina of Time and I’m quite well versed in its lore, so if you are too this is going to be about as pleasant as root canal.

Since me recounting everything in detail means we’d be here into the next year, I’m going to try to boil this down to its essence. TL;DR: Jenna meets Link and they fuck. Badly. A month later and they’re getting married so they can fuck more. This whole time you have King Hyrule who is treating a random merchant off the street better than Zelda, the Sages are just inexplicably back despite now residing in the Sacred Realm. Zelda also inherently gives up the throne because she will not marry and thus is no longer in the line of succession but this random guy from Kokiri Forest who married a random merchant is! Ruto is turned into a jealous harpy and the other sages hardly appear at all.

After they get married they go to the part where I quit the first time I started reading this fic which was the Bonding Ceremony. If getting married to a guy you met a month ago wasn’t enough, going to a monastery and getting telepathically bonded by drinking his piss sure is. Okay, it’s not JUST the piss drinking, but that was enough to make poor 2014 me stop trying and go lie down. They also fuck in front of the monks because that’s a thing straight people do, I guess.

Somewhere in there Jenna gets pregnant and has a child. She names the child Link Jr. I don’t have anything to say about that, I think it’s comedy in itself. On top of that Epona also gets pregnant so they get new horses named Midnight Star and Star Dancer. That’s not an important detail at all, my friend simply hates those horse names and I’m bringing them up on the off chance that she reads this.

Oh yeah, Dark Link is an antagonist at one point and he inexplicably talks exactly like a stereotypical villain and ties Link and Jenna up in a room and leaves them there for no reason like a small time crook leaving Batman in a cage with all his gizmos nearby. And turns out Jenna has magical powers and is from some ancient race of super people or whatever. They have to explain this over and over again in the same few paragraphs and I want to die.

Beyond all the bad sex that has tiger metaphors (Somehow Jen knows how tigers fuck) there’s the Original Material which had me crying more than the tragedy that was the remain of OoT’s story. Once we get tired of Link and Jenna’s love story and Tiger Sex, there’s suddenly an invasion from Lord Ariakas who is threatening the Griffins who live beyond the Black Mountains, just a day’s ride from Hyrule. He’s just some evil guy who threatens the Griffins, who do not trust easily, and who live near The Black Mountains. If you think redundancy is painful then prepare for the worst redundancy you’ve seen yet. I went insane when we were reading this and tallied all the times The Black Mountains are mentioned and turns out it was a whole lot less than I thought, but almost all of them happened in a short amount of time so it felt like an eternity of explaining The Black Fucking Mountains. Turns out I’m a masochist of sorts because this STILL didn’t shake me off. In order to repel Lord Arakias’ forces, Link and Jenna need to talk to the Griffins who like to make a big deal about how they don’t trust anyone as they instantly trust Jenna and let her into their royal court to give her support and magical gifts. It’s kind of incredible how Jenna does nothing and is constantly rewarded for it.

Sadly this ends in a cliffhanger, like all good terrible fanfics. But that’s a semi-coherent retelling of the actual plot. It takes way too long to explain any of these plot points in story. Characters constantly repeat themselves, there’s a bunch of small plot points I left out because we’d REALLY be here all year if we talked about this, there’s the original material where I have to give credit that she went and did this BUT ALSO DID YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS MANY TIMES WHAT THE BLACK FUCKING MOUNTAINS ARE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I’m not okay. Time for some deeper analysis of particularly notable parts.

The sex scenes are sadly some of the less entertaining sections. They’re pretty boring for the most part, but then you have shit like “I turned tigress” and my personal favorite, “when I took his nut sack and caressed it with my hand, it was his undoing.” That exact sentence shows up TWICE in the fic, same wording and everything. Remember this, ladies, next time you have sex with a man, caress his nut sack. It’ll be his undoing. It’s not just the silly wording, though, there’s some stupid stuff in there too about how having sex makes your children stronger and also exactly how much fluid Jenna is ejecting which is a little bit alarming to say the least. Otherwise they’re a bit bland and use the same flowery language that you’d expect from poorly written erotica. Also they fuck in front of a bunch of monks. It’s for the bonding.

If you’re into LoZ lore then you’re going to have a bad time, too. My favorite thing is showing people the segment where Jenna explains how the OoT timeskip works because it makes zero sense to everyone, OoT fan or not. Let’s take a quick history lesson for OoT if you’re not familiar with it. In Ocarina of Time, a major plot point and element of gameplay is that Link travels between past and future in a seven year gap. From Link’s point of view, the change is instantaneous, right down to the fact that his age changes from child to adult and vice versa. To everyone else, they’re living those seven years. Time continues without Link there to observe it, and in Link’s absence Hyrule collapses. Thus is the plot--trying to stop Ganondorf from destroying the future with a power that Link and Zelda accidentally gave him. The point is all Non-Link people experience time normally, and the world moves on.

Somehow Jenna missed something that I inherently understood when I was a wee child of 8, barely able to play Ocarina of Time due to poor reading comprehension and lack of Zelda Puzzle Solving Skills™.

“Gannondorf tricked the soon to be "Hero of Time" into unlocking the door to the Sacred Realm. I even noticed that Zelda was a little older then I. Last I saw her she was four years younger then me. It was told to me that when Gannondorf went into the Temple of Time and into the Scared Realm, time jumped ahead in Hyrule seven years. Yet only two years passed in my land. And in the rest of the world.

After the "Hero of Time" defeated the King of Evil, the hero was granted to either return to the past or to remain in the present time. Since he chose to remain in the present Zelda jumped ahead of me in age by four years.  It seems that everyone in Hyrule jumped in age from the rest of the world.”

I’m not sure I really understand still. I’ve read this so many times trying to comprehend and maybe I’m just stupid but this doesn’t scan. But when you time travel it should affect the whole world or else that’d be pretty fucked. Back To The Future would be pretty wack if only Hill Valley was sent back to the 50s but everywhere else was still 80s.

God, I spent too much time on this. It still hurts my brain.

I also just have to have a section where I metaphorically hand Zelda a box of chocolates and a check for 5,000 dollars for even being in this mess. The real MVP of the story is Zelda for tolerating all this bullshit. She has to watch her father treat Jenna better than her, she gives Jenna a bracelet from her mother who is dead for Jenna’s wedding, she has to passively accept that because she isn’t married she’s lost her claim to the throne and it’s being handed over to Link and Jenna because despite both of them being nobodies they’re more legitimate heirs to the throne than the king’s own daughter. She also has to be the one to help Jenna birth her baby and it’s maybe a little bit weird to have the princess of a nation be your personal midwife. Even if she is your so called best friend. Were I ever in the circumstances of giving birth, I wouldn’t make my friends help. Please get an actual nurse. Also for some reason Jenna won’t stop calling her baby a miracle and it’s done so frequently it’s a little off-putting. Even the chapter where the child is born is called “The Miracle” like idk I know life is mysterious and miraculous but I’m not sure giving birth, something a lot of cis woman can do, is a “miracle.” Me not sobbing while reading this is a miracle. Zelda, honey, you deserve so much better.

I’m running out of things that will actually last a paragraph or so tangent wise, so time to wrap things up with smaller notes:

-Jenna thinks that you boot horses in the knees to get them moving. You are probably not riding a horse right if you can kick it in the knees while sitting on its back. That’s not even getting into other horse related mishaps like the fact that kneecapping them isn’t a good idea either.

-Link Jr. is capable of math at like, four months or something. I wish I was that talented.

-Ruto is my wife and I will not stand for this slander against her. Yeah, call me a fish fucker if you want, Sidon is cute too don’t @ me

-Take a shot every time Jenna mentions triforces on her outfit (actually don’t)

-Jenna makes a big deal about how Link has to go off to war and how she’ll miss him and he’ll miss her and it’s all very emotional but he’s back literally the next chapter

-One of my favorite moments is Mido rightfully pointing out that Jenna isn’t a Kokiri and thus has no right to receive a fairy but everyone thinks he’s being super rude for actually having common sense. They barely gave LINK a fairy and he grew up there!

-I inflicted this on my friends and it went as well as you’d think it would. Quote supplied by Jen who is not THAT Jen but a far superior one

-Somewhere in the fic suddenly Link and Zelda’s eyes are capable of changing color based on mood, or maybe they could do this the whole time and my eyes were changing based on mood alright, they were glazing over and I missed it

-Jen always types “threw” instead of “through” and it’s just enough to throw me off every time. Also every time a character starts a new sentence she starts another set of quotations even if they were already talking and occasionally she misspells “huge” as “hugh” which leads to some hilarious circumstances

-THEY DRANK EACH OTHER’S PISS

-Apparently when you are telepathically bonded with your Husband/Wife you aren’t allowed to be in a room with someone of the opposite sex AT ALL. Personally I think that reeks of insecurity

-Also because a good pal loses her shit every time we mention it, Jen couldn’t come up with a marriage ceremony that wasn’t just a christian one for a universe where christianity doesn’t exist, but she sure likes to put world building into those DAMN GRIFFINS

All in All? My Inner Life is not for the weak willed. It is INCREDIBLY long and redundant and while it’s still pretty funny, it’s mostly plain terrible. I consider is a much better showcase of what bad fanfiction is actually like, and also since it’s of a more standard awful, it means people can’t badly parody it while missing the point as to why it’s funny. So at least there will only be one My Inner Life and no imitators.

Seriously, I hate My Immortal imitators. Write your own terrible fanfiction, damn you! If I had a shot for every time a fanfic was compared to My Immortal I would be dead six years ago. Getting compared to MI is not a good thing, but not for the reasons you’d think. At least My Inner Life only shares the basic premise of a self insert character and the rest is a ride of complete bullshit that’s par the course for terrible Mary Sue fiction. Everyone loves Jenna for no reason and those who voice the valid concerns against her are seen as unreasonable and stupid. Characters are bent backwards to serve the threadbare plot and apparently Jenna’s love life alone is enough to constitute half of the story before we just plain forget it’s a Legend of Zelda fanfic and it goes off into some generic high fantasy horse crap with dragons and Griffins and some evil guy like what even is his name and it all ends without any real closure.

However if you are strong enough or maybe just a masochist (me) I highly recommend this fic for just being a test of endurance and also for all the funny little moments sprinkled throughout. It’ll certainly be a waste of time and it’s a good thing to read with friends. While it’s an oldie, it’s a goodie, and no one comes out unscathed.

Also the author apparently is a good sport about it now, although who knows. It’s just a thing I heard. While I like making fun of Jen throughout reading the fic, she doesn’t seem awful. Just perhaps young and unaware.

Truly, the real treasure was the piss we drank along the way. I’m sorry I will never be over that

[metanoianmayhem]

Bro, I turn 32 on Thursday. I've had this blog since I was 16. What the hell.

anyways if you're feeling gifty XD https://throne.com/neekaneon if you're a friend I actually exchange addresses with, I has an etsy.

otherwise...iunno.

Historically my birthday goes horribly. I'm talking multiple times with people making sure I cried. Kidney infection. Being ditched for a number of things. Partner being angry other people made plans but did not bother to make plans. My other partner and mom being so very needy to be included that everything I wanted..just didn't happen.

Gonna not go thru the whole list. It's too damn much. Suffice it to say, every year my birthday goes badly. There have been (2) that did not.

I dunno how to feel about any of these. I guess avoidant? My brother's girlfriend asked about my birthday but like.

I don't really feel like spending it with family - my brother and dad made the one before last kind of awful. And mom isn't even on the continent.

I guess this is sort of complaining? I dunno, I'm mulling it over. Maybe I'll see a friend. I guess I could go for a hike? Or a trip somewhere new.

High tea? I got nothin. Anyways. I'm about to be 32. My partner and I hit 5 years in April last. My childhood friends are married, having babies, or both.

My cousins almost all have babies.

Time feels fake as hell. I don't still feel 19, or 20 or whatever, mostly because everything was so frantically miserable and out of control back then. Whatever else, I have my feet firmly planted right now.

I'm not so broke I'm coasting my car everywhere or putting my last 5 in the tank and hoping it works.

Not so badly partnered I'm crying most nights.

I did know what I should be doing though. And I wish I had gotten there sooner.

Also I'm going to try and speedrun school. And maybe write a grad thesis because a few people have been up my butt that I should.

Need to return to research about this.

Happy Monday, y'all.

[metanoianmayhem]

Man.

Like.

I am home from work. and I am G R I N N I NG.

I am so happy at work rn. It's hard to not feel fucking gold when you're coming home making more hourly *by talking about sourdough*.

You guys.

I made a tip tonight because I spent an hour chatting with a guy about food and literature and philosophy. Y'all I made money *reading Dorian Gray to a man*

I made money tonight by bitching about sourdough! I figured new ways to defy gravity and just *do it*

I'm in good shape, and I ate a lot of food today!

For all the everything else, work is good

[metanoianmayhem]

I was going thru some blog posts from the now long gone sex blog from tumblr's heyday that I had written.

How's that for a run on sentence.

But I was looking at these things. I cultivated that blog from age 18 until age 28. Even after it had been put in the shadowbox by tumblr policy.

Anyways. I'm looking at these posts of my past life. Steamy hot sex, musing on STIs, sex itself, relationships in polyamory, breakups...

The works, if you will.

Little pieces like desire for a camera during sex. (and wow, how has that led me for so long).

But the one that struck me out was talking about polyamory.

How I like relationships like galaxies - depending who's swinging through my orbits. Planets I come in and out of contact with, comets I see once every few years. My heart is scattered thru friends and lovers and potential loves across the world.

That sometimes I want someone new for the joy of it. How much I like casual sex and relationships.

The thing of it was a point how people were good with one (casual sex) or the other (other relationships) only the one.

How frustrating it was trying to explain both.

And how desire was a many faceted way - and I wanted people who'd decide if they wanted to stay or go - because the consent part is important too.

And wow. Periodically that saying crosses my mind. "The older you get, the more like yourself you become."

I've changed and I'm someone else these days. I was 23 when I wrote that.

"But with where I am now and all that I’ve learned...

I like being here in the middle of desire-whatever they be for the day.

I just wish I explained it better."

Sometimes, the more like myself I seem to be. That want has not changed, that part of me I thought had almost died in the pandemic.

That shining star desire is still there.

[metanoianmayhem]

Okay, so awhile ago a friend was like "hey i have this motorcycle from a hoarder relative that's been sitting since 72, do you want it?"

and because i am a weirdo

that likes tinkering

and have wanted a motorcycle (and tattoos! the tattoos i got) since i was 8.

i was like "hell yeah, dude!"

and then life got busy and i was Slightly Overwhelmed about where to start. BUT NOW

NOW I HAVE A PLAN

and energy!

and a sunday I'm devoting to this! So I'm probably going to do a magical youtube/tikkity tok/photograph journey bc like.

Just Once, in my life, i wanna follow a project from start to finish.

so. Yamaha YM1 1964 (65? Will find out when I get after the VIN on the frame)

YM1 one was apparently built by a dude who was like BECAUSE I FUCKIN CAN and is juuuust one step short of a motorbike so like. Yeeteth said the lord. Tagging now for ease of finding if anyone decides to follow along

[metanoianmayhem]

Strongly considering the sin of foaming chocolate milk bc my whole milk is kaput.

On a avale of 1 to oh god why, how stupid is this?