#EXCEPT in video games . everything that can go wrong Will go wrong i am sure of it
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i know i like to carry myself very casually but you can tell i have an anxiety disorder when you watch me play a new game for the first time
#marzi speaks#thinking abt how every time smth new happened in yttd today i immediately jumped to the worst case scenario#door just locked? room’s flooding probably i’m Doomed <3#person is missing? i’m gonna find their dead body!#this person just said a weird thing? They’re For Sure Gonna Try To Kill Me Later#i am very good at not catastrophizing bc i have a lot of experience with it#EXCEPT in video games . everything that can go wrong Will go wrong i am sure of it#was so sure gin was about to die in front of me when i saw that cage start to lower i was like ‘he is being lowered into a vat of acid’
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Parental Pressure
Eddie watched the personal trainer's video for the thousandth time as he was getting closer to the little gym for his first class. He had snuck out of his house super early and quietly because he knew Nick, his old man, wouldn’t approve of his son wasting time on this kinda stuff. He became a single father really young, back in high school, and now, at 35, he did everything he could to make sure his kid didn’t follow the same path. Becoming a doctor was Nicholas Rousseau’s biggest dream, but early fatherhood messed up his chance to hit the books at college. Not that he blamed Eddie for it; on the contrary, they usually had a solid relationship, except when Eddie strayed from the plans his dad laid out for his future. If Nick couldn’t get into med school, Eddie sure as hell would, whether he liked it or not. And now, with less than a month before college kicked off, Eddie was having doubts about the path laid out for him. So, in a rebellious move, after getting an invite to check out Rocco “Rocky” Mancini's gym, an Italian bodybuilder who moved to the States, now retired and not exactly a big name in the game, who a few years back started hustling as a personal trainer and, according to the promo video on Eddie's Instagram, was looking for young men to boost his portfolio. It looked like that gig wasn’t going great either. The first person to sign up would get a month of free daily training. Perfect for Eddie; after all, a month of training with an expert before college would make things way easier when he had to hit the gym away from his overprotective dad’s watchful eye. Surprisingly he was the first one to sign up! And so, the young skinny man, with light brown hair found himself stepping into the dimly lit gym at 6 AM.
As he stood frozen at the door, anxiety washing over him, a monstrous figure approached, strutting with swagger, muscles bulging looking like they might burst from the thin layer of skin wrapping them. With a fuller beard and looking at least five years older than in the video Eddie had seen over and over, the guy oozed confidence and a certain arrogance. But those weren’t the only things he was giving off, as it became clear to Eddie when the dude came up to him with a sweaty hand extended to shake, a distinct animal musk dominating his senses.
“You must be Eddie! Nice to meet ya, kid; I’m Rocco, but you can call me Rocky—everyone does. Welcome to my little temple. So, you ever trained before?”
“Ahn, no... I wanted to, but my dad... no, I’ve never trained.”
“Feeling a little bit of Daddy Issues here? Just kidding, son! Where’s your workout gear?”
“I thought, since it’s the first day... I... didn’t bring any...”
“Damn, son, you weren’t kidding when you said you’ve never trained; you don’t have a clue! But don’t sweat it, we’ll fix that! You can wear the shirt; I’ll get you some shorts.”
“I... don’t wanna be a bother.”
“Son, you came here to train, and train is what you’re gonna do. I don’t know what your pops taught you but it looks like you got a lot to learn from me. First thing, you gotta be more assertive—don’t be scared to say what you think or do what you like.”
Hearing that, Eddie felt something shift inside him; the fear and anxiety that had been eating at him for weeks seemed to fade away. He wanted to be there, and nobody was gonna take that away from him, not even his old man.
After hitting the locker room and putting on the shorts Rocco lent him, which were way too big in the legs but surprisingly just right in the waist, Eddie went back to the main room where the personal trainer was waiting for him.
“We gotta fill those shorts, son!”
“That’s why I’m here, Mr. Mancini.”
“Hell yeah! That’s the spirit but none of this Mr. Mancini nonsense; you either call me Rocky or coach.”
“Yes, sir, coach!”
“That’s right! Now, back to our chat, you said you’ve been training for a while, but how long is a while, son?”
That info was totally wrong; he’d never trained, right? But why did he have fuzzy memories of sneaking out to hit the school gym before class during his senior year? If he hadn’t trained, where did those small but tight muscles come from?
“I’ve been training for almost a year, coach, but I don’t think I’ve seen much result.”
“Two more things to teach you, son: first, we’re never happy with the size we are, and second, even so, you’re never gonna downplay your achievements; you’ve done something that most people can’t even pull off. Be proud of that.”
“I... I’m proud, yeah!” he replied, realizing the coach was speaking the truth. He had a lot of pride in what he accomplished, even though he knew he was still far from where he wanted to be.
“Awesome! Now you’re talking like a real champ. But enough chit-chat, let’s see what you’re made of.” Rocco said before putting Eddie through the most grueling workout he’d ever experienced. His self-taught training hadn’t prepared him for this level of exhaustion. After half an hour of intense agony, they took a break, and Eddie tried to recover before what he knew would be another half hour of torture as Rocco praised him.
“Damn, son, all that fuss you had with your pops to come train with me in your junior year was worth it. You’re huge; another minute and that shirt ain’t gonna hold!”
Still exhausted from the workout, Eddie took a moment to wrap his head around what the trainer had said. A fight with his dad...? And training here for at least three years...? No... it didn’t make sense... but then he saw his own reflection in the gym mirror, and he was... fucking swole! And that... that wasn’t just possible; it was thanks to the time he’d spent caring for his body all this while, even with his dad breathing down his neck.
“Thanks, Coach, but I’m still not anywhere near where I wanna be!”
“Well, if you get closer, this shirt definitely isn’t gonna hold. I’ll grab you one of mine, or you can train shirtless until the other clients show up, son. In the meantime, figure out how to get that thing off, but I doubt it’s coming off without tearing. Maybe you should film a video for your social media; I bet your followers will go wild!”
“Haha, I don’t think that they will care, and I feel kinda uncomfortable putting myself out there. So I’ll take the shirt.” Eddie replied as the coach returned with an enormous shirt in hand and offered it to him.
“Son, there’s no reason to be shy about showing off; you sculpted that body for a reason. Don’t tell me that’s another one of your dad’s ideas? You never cared much about what he thinks, and I’ve known you since you were a little brat, fourteen years old, showing up on opening day to get an autograph!”
Once again, Eddie felt something shift inside him; the cordial relationship he had with his overly protective dad was turning into a conflictual one, with both of them constantly arguing about the expectations they had for Eddie’s future, which drove him to practically live at Rocco’s gym, where he helped with maintenance or took care of the place to keep training without having to pay.
“You’re right, as always, Rocky; it’s just that, I dunno... I think this crowd that needs to post everything they do is kinda empty and vain.”
“Son if you don’t show off your gains, you won’t grow your followers, and so what if it seems kinda empty? What matters is being seen. And nobody builds a body like yours without a bit of vanity. I’ll let you keep training; I’ve got a client in twenty minutes. If you need me for anything, just holler.”
“Rocky, I can train better than a lot of pro bodybuilders, man! You know that!”
“Son there’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance! You can strut around all you want with your followers, but don’t come at me with that!” Rocky shot back, though he couldn’t hide a smile of approval.
As the trainer moved away to organize things for his client, Eddie focused on finishing his remaining exercises. Kicking off his sneakers and heading to the squat rack barefoot, he stacked plate after plate until he formed a sizable pile that would surprise anyone. But the truth was, despite the insane weight, it was relatively easy for Eddie. Next, he hit the leg press and finished with deadlifts using a bar that weighed more than a baby rhino. When he sat down to do his last exercise of the day, calves, a distinct funk emanated from his armpits, but mainly from his giant size 14 bare feet. Looking at himself and feeling pumped, he couldn’t resist pulling out his phone to shoot a TikTok video. He was in the middle of recording when Rocky interrupted him.
“Damn, kid, you reek! No offense, we all have a little man funk; I know how it is, but clients are gonna start showing up, so take a shower and let’s get to work.”
“Damn, coach, sometimes you’re worse than my dad.” The kid replied, stopping the recording.
“I am your father, boy!” The older man shot back with a sinister grin and a predatory look at the younger man before continuing. “And if you really wanna please your fans, be a show-off; don’t hide your assets, son; show off that chest and those abs, but hurry up, ‘cause this place is gonna be packed soon. We’re not the biggest gym in town by luck, Wardo. This young stud pose might please your fans, but the morning ladies prefer when you play the part of the innocent bambino.”
This time, the wave of strangeness hit Eddie so hard that he felt dizzy and nauseous, exacerbated by the potent funk he was putting off. And for the first time since he stepped foot in that gym, he fully realized what was going down as he automatically took off his shirt and walked toward one of the gym mirrors, a gym which seemed to expand with every step he took, turning from a small studio into a gigantic complex. As his skin took on an olive tone and his dark brown hair curled into perfect black curls, while his nose turned aquiline like a Roman emperor from antiquity, Eddie struggled within his own mind while Edoardo Mancini took control. If someone could hear the debate between the two, it would sound something like:
“Dude, I am... no, we are what you’ve always wanted to be! Pops gave you this chance; why not embrace it?”
“’Cause I... I’m going to med school...”
“You never wanted that; we never wanted that; that was Nicholas’s thing, not ours. This is our chance to be whoever we wanna be!”
“No... we are what Rocco made us; we’re just trading one controlling dad for another!”
“Not even close, dude! We chose this path; he didn’t pressure us! We followed him out of admiration, and that boosted both his success and ours; we’re legends in the fitness world!”
“Rocco was a mediocre pro... he’s using us for leverage!”
“And what’s wrong with that? We’re getting something out of it too! And how is that different from Nicholas pressuring you?”
“I... I... don’t know...”
“Dude, if you didn’t want this, I wouldn’t be here. Chill and enjoy; besides, Pops already got what he wanted from us. He’s not gonna pressure us to follow in his footsteps. We can be whatever we want: bodybuilders like him, or fitness models, or even kickstart an acting career; and I’m not even talking about porn, even though this big guy between our legs would be a hit. Just accept it.” Wardo said, stroking the giant cock in his mind and in real life.
“I... I... damn... this feels so... fucking... good!”
“Wardo! Wrap it up, kid, and stop playing with that thing; we got a new client coming.” Rocco scolded his son.
“Damn, Pops, another ruined video!”
“You weren’t gonna post that, kid; you wanna get banned from social media?”
“I was just messing around...”
“Kid... you’ve got five minutes to take a shower and get your ass to the front desk.”
“Okay, Dad! Did you hear that, folks? The great Rocco Mancini has spoken, and the good son obeys! I’ll be back with updates soon.” The young man said before stopping the recording.
“I’ll edit it so nothing racy gets out; don’t worry, Dad!”
“Five minutes and counting!” Rocco replied with fake irritation, but in reality, he was puffed up with pride for his son as he headed for the reception, spotting a man in his mid-thirties, wearing glasses and an outfit that screamed he’d never set foot in a gym in his life.
“Good morning, sir; welcome to Rocky's Gym; I’m Rocky Mancini, the owner and head coach. Are you looking for something?”
“Good morning, I’m Nick Rousseau, and I’m actually looking for my son; his phone tracker showed he was here just a few minutes ago before it suddenly stopped working.”
“Tracker? Isn’t that a bit much? Anyway, how old is he and what’s he like? We haven’t had anyone too young around here today, except for my own kid, but if I can help you out…”
“I... I don’t know...”
“You don’t know? What kinda dad doesn’t know how to describe his own kid?”
“I... I...” Nicholas replied, his voice filled with genuine desperation, which made Rocco feel a bit of sympathy, but not enough to stop him from making the next call.
“Hey, Wardo... Wardo!!! Damn kid never listens! Edoardo Mancini!!!!” Rocky yelled while watching Nicholas slightly tremble at the sound of that name.
“What’s up, Pops? I’ll get ready in a sec.” The handsome young man replied as he prepared to flex the powerful muscles that no kid his age could get without maximum dedication, watched by his dad and the other boy.
“Not that, you insubordinate ragazzo! This guy’s looking for his son; has anyone younger shown up today?”
“Nope!” He replied, giving Nicholas a quick glance over the shades he was wearing just for style before turning around and finally heading to the locker room.
“Sorry about that, teenage boys; you know how they are.” Rocco said, smiling at the other man.
“I... know?”
“Didn’t you come looking for your son?”
“Son?? Son... no... I don’t have kids... do I?” Nicholas replied, looking both confused and desperate.
“Are you feeling alright? I’m no doc, but I can try to help.”
“Doc... doctor? No... no need... I’m a doctor.” Nicholas replied with more confidence.
“Seriously? That’s awesome! Doctors are always good clients; they know how to take care of themselves.”
“Client?”
“You didn’t come here to train? We’re in a gym, after all.”
“Of course... I came... to train. You come highly recommended.”
“Modesty aside, it’s because I’m the best. I normally don’t take new clients, but we could use a doctor to evaluate our clients, so we could do a trade; you wouldn’t happen to be a sports doc, would you?”
“No, I…”
“Awesome! Just what I needed! But I can tell you’re already in shape!” Rocco said, grinning. “Let me show you the gym. Normally, this would be Wardo’s job, but the kid’s been so focused on his influencer career that he’s slacking here... between us, I’d rather he be a bodybuilder like me, but I think a dad should respect his kid’s wishes; don’t you think?” Rocco asked, and without waiting for a reply, he continued. “Don’t you wanna have kids? Are you single or married? Dude, if you’re single, I gotta introduce you to my sister; no disrespect to her, ‘cause my mama raised me right, but between us, she’s a total smoke show...” And so he went on while Nicholas followed, not realizing that with every word spoken, his reality was adjusting to the other man’s desires.
Minutes later, Rocco stepped into the locker room bathroom and watched his son recording another video, already showered but still unable to shake off the musk that surrounded him, maybe because he was still wearing the same shorts from his workout. He admired his boy, feeling proud knowing all this was his hard work paying off.
When the young man finished recording, he turned to him.
“Wardo, finish getting dressed and come out here for a minute; I got a surprise for you.”
….
“Hey guys, Wardo Mancini here, and I’ve got some awesome news! You’re probably tired of seeing my pops in my videos, but today, besides him, I wanna introduce you to someone else.” He said, repositioning the camera in the packed gym.
“This handsome fella next to my dad is my doctor, Nic Russo, and on top of that, he’s my uncle, married to my dad’s sister. And now for the biggest news: he’s about to be a dad, and he asked me to be the godfather of his boy! Just think about the genetics of that kid with a dad like this and an uncle like my pops. My uncle says the kid can be whatever he wants, but we all know the iron bug is in our blood, and as far as his godfather is concerned, Rocky Russo is gonna be a champion bodybuilder!”
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Can I please request a Jeremiah x reader smut where it’s both of their first times! Smut but also cute and fluffy! Thank you ♥️
This is my first time writing for Jeremiah, please be nice. While I like him in the show - I am not team Jeremiah though -, I find him difficult to write about, so idk if I'll keep him on my list...
my taglists are here + you can send requests here at any time
—
When it comes to losing your virginity, you've always wanted to wait for the right moment to do it. Maybe it was watching rom-coms and reading hundreds of romances that implanted this vision in your mind, or maybe it was just you wanting to make that big moment perfect, knowing you could never re-do it if you jinxed it…or worse, regret it.
‘’I have not,’’ Belly confessed quietly, shaking her head. ‘’Cam and I went on our third date. It’s way too early.’’ She picked at a loose thread on her shorts, not exactly comfortable talking about sex but feeling comfortable enough to talk about it with you. ‘’Have you and Jere..?’’
‘’No,’’ you said, excluding the other things you and Jeremiah had done that weren’t full-on penetrative sex. ‘’But we are thinking about it.’’
Belly’s attention snapped up. ‘’Oh?’’
You nodded, a light flush tinted your cheeks.
‘’Are you nervous?’’
You nodded again.
So many things could go wrong even if you make sure everything is perfect. You also heard some girls say it hurt the first time and that they bled, which scared you a little.
Belly grabbed your hand, pulling you from your thoughts. ‘’I may not know anything about sex, but what I know is that it’s Jeremiah. He loves you. There’s nothing to be nervous about,’’ she assured you.
A few weeks later, the day finally came.
Your mom was out at her book club meeting and your dad was at the country club, leaving the house to yourself for a few hours. Taking advantage of their absence, you texted Jeremiah to come over…and to bring the condoms.
It was bold and definitely had him grinning on his couch at home before making up an excuse to ditch Steven at video games and shower and get ready for the big event.
While Jeremiah was getting ready, you did the same. You put on matching bra and underwear, gave your hair an extra brush and spritzed yourself with Jeremiah’s favorite perfume of yours, lit some candles for ambiance although it was burning hot outside. You made sure everything was perfect.
Except it wasn’t perfect.
Right when Jeremiah unhooked your bra, his phone started blaring loudly and wouldn't stop. After the fifth ring, Jeremiah answered and left, needing to pick up his mother at the country club. He said he could come back after, but the moment was already ruined.
By some miracle, you were presented another perfect opportunity a few days later.
Susannah was out with Belly and Laurel for a debutante dress fitting, Conrad was at the beach surfing, and Steven was with Shayla.
You and Jeremiah were having a swim in his pool to cool down from the sun. Summer was beautiful, but the heat was too much sometimes. Thankfully, Jeremiah had a nice pool, which you loved to take advantage of. As always, playful splashing turned into kissing and soon enough, you were making out.
You moved things upstairs to Jeremiah’s room for more privacy, and also because didn’t want your first time to be in a pool or on the Fisher’ back porch.
‘’Careful!’’ Jeremiah reminded as the two of you hurried upstairs, leaving water all over the floors despite being wrapped in a towel. ‘’The floors are slippery when we—’’
You caught his arm in time before he could slip and fall, sending the two of you in a fit of laughter. The fun was interrupted when he backed you against the wall and kissed you in the hallway. You melted against him and let your towel drop.
Jeremiah brought you to his bed, not caring about the wet patched your wet baiting suits would leave behind. It's not like you were going to keep them on for very long.
Hands were all over each other's body, exploring and grabbing while you were kissing with desire. You undid the ties of your bikini, chucking it on the floor, then moved to your bottoms. Your whole body was on fire under Jeremiah's touch — you needed it all off.
You reached for Jeremiah's shorts, helping him out because it was harder to take off when wet...and horny, but that's when Steven decided to walk in like he owned the place, catching sight of Jeremiah's bare ass.
For the rest of the summer, you weren't able to find a good moment. Jeremiah was either working at the country club's pool, or someone was home. You could have snuck to an empty bedroom at a party, but a stranger's bedroom was nothing romantic for a first time.
You were starting to get impatient so, one night he was supposed to drive you home, you made him pull over and stop the car. It was dumb and had high risks of getting caught, but you didn't care.
‘’Are you sure?'' Jeremiah asked, seeing you pull your dress over your head. ''We don’t have to if you don’t.’’
You shook your head, looking right into his beautiful blue eyes. ‘’You’re my best friend, Jere. I want it to be you. I want it to be now.’’
—
All and more taglist: @spiokybirdstarfish @kenqki @liidiaaag @hawkegfs @gillybear17 @areaderinlove @acornacreacure @black-rose-29 @fudge13 @cece05 @rosie-cameron @Caxddce @laylasbunbunny @gemofthenight @beautyb1ade @hi-bored-as-fcuk-rn @lovelyy-moonlight @mellabella101 @vxnity713 @marzipaanz @bisexualgirlsblog @queenofslytherin889 @thatbxtchesblog @softb-tterfly @ethanlandrycanbreakmyheart @xyzstar @graceberman3 @Heartsforneteyamsully @aerangi @hallecarey1
TSITP taglist: @msmarvelknight @maritaleane @dingus0401 @idontknowwhatimdoing777
#jeremiah fisher#jeremiah fisher x reader#jeremiah fisher imagine#the summer i turned pretty imagine#the summer i turned pretty
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to the surprise of approximately no one, i am thinking about video game mechanics and mcrp and c!owen and violence again. i am thinking about interesting accidental resonances and i am thinking about what someone's medium of choice makes it easy to tell stories about. the thing is, owen's pov of outsiders is a story that, despite being told almost exclusively in minecraft, really does not want to be a story set in minecraft.
what i mean by this is that cc!owen repeatedly and deliberately tries to prevent minecraft logic from existing in the story he is telling. according to him, things operate in the messy space of real-world physics, and the fundamental structure of the world aligns much more with our reality than with, i dunno, a series of 1s and 0s. of course they can't climb the vines to get to the top of the walls, they'd get tired well before the reach the top, never mind that minecraft doesn't have any mechanic in place to keep you from clinging to a vine for as long as you want. of course acho drowning during the underwater maze game could have been from something being wrong with the potions, never mind that minecraft potions come out the exact same way every time. of course it matters that owen punched mohwee for going into the maze, but only once, because he couldn't bring himself to do it again. never mind that a punch in minecraft rarely means much.
a single punch in minecraft doesn't mean anything. or it means almost everything, which is why it doesn't mean anything. but the outsiders, at least for a little while, make a world where a punch matters, where it's the kind of thing you go running to tell other people about because it means a real fight's brewing. mohwee punches graecie, and someone comes running to let owen know. we're meant to react to it the way we would if it happened irl. we're treating this seriously now!
except that's really hard to do in minecraft, because minecraft isn't a game that gives you many avenues for... body language. for the kind of nonverbal communication you do by touching someone gently. try as they might to pretend otherwise, it is built into the bones of any minecraft world that the only way you can touch another person for sure, in a way that the game has an obvious mechanical system in place to respond with, is by punching them. so two things here.
one is that yeah, the outsiders creators stop acting like a punch is a punch not super long into the series, because there is no vanilla mechanic for [grabbing you by the arm and dragging you away from the gates]; you have to use what you have at your disposal (such as the left-click button on your mouse) to gesture at the thing you actually mean. owen emulates the act of dragging someone around by punching magic at one point. nobody, in-universe or out, reacts like he was actually hitting her, and i'm not saying we should. but there is that disconnect between what the story is supposed to be (maybe owen pushes her away from the gates, maybe he's trying to pull her back), and what the game will allow them to do.
two: despite the ways that the game runs counter to the kind of story owen et al. are trying to tell, this limitation wrt punching still produces some really interesting resonances that require us to accept and pay attention to the fact that no matter what owen says, this is a story told through minecraft, inflected by its mechanics.
(side bar: i'm focusing on owen for this, but i think you can expand this idea to other characters, maybe the whole cast, by thinking about how both the story world and the game world are, on some fundamental level, set up to not allow for kind or gentle connections between people. you can't actually put your arm around someone else. you can't actually wipe away their tears or lean on their shoulder. the entire world the outsiders live inside of, both from a game perspective and a roleplay perspective, is designed to funnel them toward big dramatic gestures and cyclical violence. the easiest way to touch someone is violently. and still, there are the gestures of care, carved out of what the game will allow. sharing food. speaking softly to each other. opening the trapdoor to your bunker and letting the people behind you hurry down the ladder to hide. so you've never learned how to touch someone without violence. you can still know how to put your whole body between the person you care for and the danger. you can still die for them. isn't outsiders such a story of caring, despite, despite, despite?)
anyway. about c!owen. i think it's fair to say he's a character shaped by violence from the jump. he comes up the elevator and is almost instantly making and hoarding weapons. he tells himself he has to protect everyone, and the first two ways he decides to do this are by making a sparring ring where he intends to teach them to fight, and by threatening to break their legs. for the latter half of the series, he is literally sleeping on the edge of a sparring ring, all his personal effects literally pushed off to the side to leave room for this sand pit in the middle. even before he gets the memories of his time as a soldier back, we can see that this is how he interfaces with and understands the world. violence is in his bones.
as a result, i am kind of crazy about the fact that the literal game mechanics he engages with reinforce this image of him. there's this brief period of time really early on where i guess they haven't really got the prox chat range to yell to each other from a distance, and owen decides to take his weapon of choice and fire an arrow in the path of the person he's trying to talk to. (i know for sure he does this with rasbi and with at least one other person. forgive me, i don't recall who the other person was.) when you're getting shot at, yeah, you sure do generally want to look in the direction that arrow came from to see who's trying to shoot you! that'll get someone's attention! that is generally how people play the game!
at another point much later in his series, a group of outsiders find an enormous crane towering over a section of the maze, and owen pulls out a bow and aims it upward. it took me a second while watching to realize that it's because when you draw a bow in the game, you also zoom in on the thing you're aiming at. owen was trying to get a closer look at the crane, so he grabbed his weapon and used it to get a better understanding of the world.
more broadly, owen uses spears and arrows to point at things, to check distances and investigate stuff he doesn't want to or can't get close to. when he and magic first notice ash up on the walls, he fires arrows up at her, not really to hit but to see how she reacts. then he keeps firing them, having noticed the barrier blocks (in-fiction, the screen that makes up the false sky). later, while talking to chat in a high-up part of the maze, he demonstrates again that the sky is fake by hurling a spear into it.
out of character, these are just creative workarounds for the medium's limitations. in character, however, these instances make it clear that every single thing about the way owen interacts with his world is coloured by the fact that he has used weapons and will continue to use them, that his reaching for a bow right after waking up wasn't some fluke, that even with his memories wiped out he is a character who has been trained to reach for violence before anything else.
just by playing the game, cc!owen adds another dimension to this character, because he is playing a game where There Exist game mechanics meant to facilitate violence, and this is about the cycles of violence c!owen finds himself trapped in and perpetuating and it is also about how violence is so deeply ingrained in him that it is an inextricable part of his world.
#sparrowsong#outsiders smp#hey. hi. i have a lot of feelings about this topic that i've been meaning to write up for ages#waving my hands around. do you get it? do you get what i'm saying?#this... came out longer than i meant for it to#and there's still a whole separate thing one could write about... unconventional and roundabout ways of expressing care#as enforced by both the way the medium works and the in-universe starr people who are interested in pitting these people against each other#iiii will not be writing that one though. (unless?)#i think one more thing i really want to post from my outsiders watch and then. i will be free. and i can watch more stuff.#god there's so much outsiders stuff to watch.
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*rips bong* (this is my bong in case you're curious)
so some of you have asked me, over the course of the 80-someodd interviews I have so far conducted, why I am doing my PhD on Ghost.
tonight a participant asked me in a manner that sort of finally clicked for me - because I assume all of you live inside my head with me and know why I do everything.
Rose, why are you doing your PhD on Ghost fandom?
when I was 12, American Idiot by Green Day came out. I lost my mind immediately. Green Day were my first hyperfixation. I promise if you ask about "Green Day Girl" to people I went to high school with, they would remember me. not only did Green Day teach me about the Iraq War, and American progressive politics in general, they also taught me, a bullied and weird child, what it meant not to give a shit. someone thinks I'm wrong/bad/inferior? cool! I don't fucking care. "now everybody do the propaganda," etc.
if I kept talking about everything I learned from Green Day, we'd be here all night. but. Green Day *also* taught me that music didn't have to sound like pop, or like country. that music could be written because someone felt something. that music could be used to express rage, a thing I felt in spades.
so from Green Day, my door is blown wide the fuck open and I get to learn about Dead Kennedys, about David Bowie, about Nirvana.
the other thing I know I love, back then in 2004, is learning. and teaching.
fast forward 15ish years, give or take (or pack me a second bowl and I'll tell you the middle), and I'm looking, halfheartedly and in a bummed-out manner, for a PhD program. I have my master's, I didn't like the experience, but I want that Dr. I've been presenting at conferences and doing some piddly academic writing on video games and the use of games in education, and I'm on a listserv for other people writing about games. I get an email from someone at Falmouth University about a PhD program there in "Dark Economies." who's listed on the email? none other than Tanya Fucking Krzywinska, my number one academic girl crush (in my subject area. my actual number one is a historian)!!!!!!
so I read this email and it's talking about the intersection of the occult, video games, and heavy metal. as I said, I've been writing about video games. one of the things I'd been writing about was a certain thing that happened in that industry ooooh, 14 years ago now. something in my brain slots into place.
the occult: I know what that is. occult rock, certainly. I maybe could squeeze in some punk or pop punk. the goffik. we got some MCR.
heavy metal. well, I'm a punk girl through and through, but I used to date that guy in the metal band and have seen Slayer et al multiple times live. sure. I can occupy that world. wait a minute. Ghost.
video games. the thing I'd been writing about, specifically the mistreatment of anyone who wasn't a cis guy. you know what that sounds a lot like? sounds a lot like going to metal shows with my ex. WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE. GHOST??? on TUNGLE DOT HELL???
so I log my ass back on to this website and I look at you, at all of you beautiful people I'd been reblogging ass wobbling gifs with for years, and I said "oh my god. are they me? is whatever is going on in there just a bunch of me's, except it's Ghost not Green Day?
are all of you finding the most beautiful thing there is to find, namely, empowerment and freedom, in the goofy Satan band music band? was it the heaviest thing you had heretofore encountered? did it crack open a yawning chasm in your soul? were you hurting in ways you didn't know how to articulate? are you learning what it means to take up space, to demand rights for yourself and for others, to truly let your fucking freak flags fly? are you feeling the stirring in your heart that only comes from religion (read: witchcraft) or from seeing the most important band in the fucking world live, in the flesh, singing TO YOU, sweating FOR YOU? if you are, I think we are fucking important and vital. I think that we can tell our stories and make a bunch of other weird little girls realise that they, too, have rights - including to transition.
cos immediately in doing this research I found out - you're also NOT me, in some really important and specific ways. maybe being AFAB in the US isn't part of it. maybe it's bigger than that. and I feel so lucky, so truly fucking blessed and lucky, to have gotten to speak to over eighty of you beautiful people, to have been trusted with your stories. to learn what makes YOU ache in your soul and how it is different to but also the same as mine. I have to stop now I'm gonna cry!!!!
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I took some pics of Midra, for reference.
I've been drawing him for a few days now, but I wasn't satisfied with having only one reference image. I realized I was getting a lot of details wrong and, being a perfectionist, I couldn't let that slip.
With that goal in mind, I also learned how to extract the assets from the game files and put them into Blender. So now I have Midra's modeI, and also got his textures and added those in too. Now I just need to figure out how to pose him and do a scene and stuff, and then I'll get much better reference photos, which I will share when I decide they're good enough. I won't share the files themselves cuz I figure that's probably illegal. But! if you'd like to know how to do it yourself, here's the video. It's pretty easy, everything is free (except the game, obvi), and... yeah. If I could do it, so can you.
More screenshots, plus Blender stuff, under the cut:
I know these aren't very good...
But yk its 3AM rn. I'll put more effort into it later. Also, I just thought of a post to write. Expect it within the hour. (cuz i need to go to sleep)
Also, I'm doing this:
What am I doing? I haven't the slightest.
Trying. That's all. Would love some help, but I'll settle for the kind people of the internet who take it upon themselves to create helpful tutorials.
So yeah, that's it. Something very interesting has been revealed to me, by way of the name of certain files... I'm not sure if anyone else has noticed it, so I'm still gonna write that post. Right... NOW!
#elden ring sote#elden ring#elden ring shadow of the erdtree#shadow of the erdtree#er sote#elden ring dlc#sote#elden ring screenshot#digital art#art reference#midra lord of frenzied flame#elden ring midra#er fanart#blender#3d model#3d modeling#blender 3d#how do i blender#game assets#something something#notice me#hi#hello there#i love you#you deserve the world
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SLOGAN: Carats are the ones I’ve been waiting for all of my life.
OPENING MENT: “Hello Carats! I’m SEVENTEEN’s Rosie and we’re back once again in Carat Land. We have a really exciting night planned for you so let’s forget about our worries for a while!”
DEBATE NIGHT: Cold food VS Hot food
“Food always tastes better when it’s hot and fresh.”
“Cold food can get soggy and not taste as good as it did when it first was served.”
Pointing out a carat’s decorated ver3 lightstick
Songs that don’t suit the members
Rosie - DINO’s Last Order
TEAM V
Rosie said the group chat (Consisting of Rosie, Chaewon, and Yunjin) be lively when she sends hao’s antifragile practice.
Their trio name is ropurinz
All the members were squealing when Dino did shut down. The first time he danced to it, she nearly fell out of her chair. The second time, while everyone was squealing, Rosie just stood back and smiled at him.
She was proud of him!
Back it up (PERFORMANCE TEAM)
ate back it up choreo
wore dino’s anyone shirt
stylists just cut it up a bit
literally points to her shirt and then does anyone choreo
takes dino’s sunglasses and wears them herself
it’s literally a rave
the hottest rosie that anyones witnessed
when discussing unit reverses to give the other members time to change, they kept talking about rosie rapping
wonwoo: “she thinks she can’t rap but she can.”
“i am not a good rapper.”
hid behind dino with her hands on his shoulders as they showered her with compliments
except even he was complimenting her
teared up when seeing Woozi cry.
sobbed when hearing Carats sing To you
ENDING MENT: Did everyone have a good time? Are you guys tired of us yet? Do you want to go home? It has been so much fun spending time with you today. I’ve been using our time off to reflect and better myself for our carats. There may be times where I disappoint you, where I lose my way. But I ask carats to please be patient with me, stay at pace with me, and trust me. Please just always be by my side. And I know I say this all the time but I want to be an idol that you can be proud of. So I’m trusting you to tell me when I’m not doing well. Thank you for sticking with us all these years, there really is no one else like carats. And to my dear members, I love you guys so much. I can’t see myself living life any other life than this one, having 13 best friends by my side. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I will always follow you anywhere you go. And ummm, I’m not sure what else to say cause I still want to have words left for the next two days. So for now, make sure to take care of yourselves and live happily. Rosiehae~
jumpy baby during healing and fighting.
dancing with wonwoo
handed out peach snacks along with valentines day-like cards with sweet messages on them
SLOGAN: I love Carats. Carats are my life.
pointing to dino because their outfits match
OPENING MENT: Hello, I’m Rosie. It is day number two so let’s continue to have more fun, let’s not get tired out.
DEBATE NIGHT: Everything in life is 3x VS Everything in life is 1/3
vernon said he’s minimal which caused rosie to stand up with her hand raised
“I AGREE! 3x is more simple but then there’s ⅓…. Why is it necessary to use such complex math?”
Seungkwan: That’s just you, Jangmi.
“Real and True. But am I wrong?”
carats cheer for her
“3 times more sleep! 3 times more love to share! 3 times more video games!
“I feel like there’s no winner in this debate, there are so many pros and cons to each topic.”
when talking about dino’s razor, rosie giggled while petting his chin.
TEAM T
teased last order by waving.
dino blushed and had to turn around
“I”ve had this prepared since the first time he performed it.”
“The song is so good!”
Dino: “But she won’t let me see it!”
Mingyu: “She won’t let anyone see. I don’t even think any of us has a video of her practicing it.
when it was rosie’s turn to answer, dino had grabbed her arm and told her that her shoelaces were untied. he tried to slow her down because he wanted her to lose.
had to hold onto seungkwan when dk did pink venom.
was laughing at hoshi’s hamtaro cover so hard that she started crying and had to lay on the stage to calm down
“i feel like hoshi just lost his dignity”
rosie thought the sunflower seed pillow was a penguin until he acted like he was eating it
teased last order a little bit more during back it up
grabbed dino by the collar of his jacket
feeling herself
winks galore
scrunchy face
brushing off her shoulders
hips don’t lie
ENDING MENT: Has it really been two days already? I really am the happiest when on stage, in front of carats and beside my family. It’s really crazy seeing these montages of us when we were just kids. I really don’t recognize myself. When I look at these pictures, [rosie looks behind her and up at the screen] I kinda get emotional. She was such a scared little girl that I wonder how I ended up this way. I really need to give her a hug and tell her everything is going to be alright. It will be rough but it will pay off in the end and she will be her greatest self and most importantly, happy. I hope these words can comfort you too in some way. If you or anyone is going through a hard time, I just have to tell you that you’re doing amazing and I see you. There will be many hardships throughout your life, but just remember that you are the brightest star. You are the most important person in your life and we all have to love ourselves. For the carats here and offline, we love you so much and no matter what you’re going through, we will always have your back. And I’m really surprised I haven’t cried yet because there’s no way that all these words are just spitting out of my mouth right now. So I’m gonna say goodbye for today before I jinx myself. Stay safe and healthy. Rosiehae~~
SLOGAN: Carats are the water that makes Rosie flourish!
OPENING MENT: Hello, I’m Seventeen’s Rosie! It is the final day of carat land. Are you tired yet? No? Good! Thank you for spending your precious time with us, let’s end on a high note!
DEBATE NIGHT: An eagle who can’t fly VS A sparrow that can fly anywhere
“What is a bird without its wings? It’s like Seventeen without Carats.”
everyone cheers for her.
the members praise her so much that she starts getting embarrassed
tries to hide under the table
TEAM T
dino and rosie had to answer at the same time
literally grabbed her by the waist so vernon could get ahead
doing everything for her to lose
tickling her so she fell to the ground
lays there and doesn’t bother to get up
“This is just straight-up sabotage”
“For this, you’ll never see last order”
team t lost
they saved rosie for last
jumping up and down for coups
hyped seungkwan up for the eve
poked wonwoo’s face glitter
“his backpack is so cute”
she got more nervous as all the members took their turn
THE8: “the long awaited, last order”
“well now i’m actually nervous. i don’t think i can do it”
Dino: “you can do it!”
Seungkwan: “rosie can do anything! don’t be nervous.”
her cover is an exact replica of dino
she got his facial expressions and hand gestures
dino didn’t really react the first time she did it.
he wanted to make sure he was paying attention to her every move
all the members stood to their feet when she was done
she was out of breath. and embarrassed
kneeled in front of dino out of pure embarrassment
DK: “don’t be embarrassed! it was perfect!!!”
can’t believe she just did that
and HAD TO DO IT A SECOND TIME
dino sat at the front of the stage to watch her do it again
he was smiling and clapping
rosie proving herself as a member of performance team
dropped to the floor again when she was done
dino kneeled in front of her while rubbing her back
Dino: “it was amazing! it was worth the wait.”
“i want to die”
Dino: “if anything, i should be embarrassed. i didn’t realize i made all those gestures.”
Seungkwan: “you do.”
“yes you do.”
“LETS GO!”
flexing her neck and cracking her knuckles before her part
spoiled some choreo for their comeback
pushed dino’s jacket off his shoulder
threw her gloves to carats
staff are not gonna be happy with her
ROSIE’S LETTER FROM HER MOM AND DAD: Hello, this is Rosie’s dad and mom. We haven’t been able to witness carat land for ourselves yet but I hope our precious girl (and her boys) knows we are watching online with a smile on our faces. Her old man’s korean is still pretty rough but I please bare with me here. We really can’t believe Seventeen is going into their 9th year. It really feels like yesterday that we were getting settled in Korea and sending our daughter off to train everyday. Thank you boys for always watching out for our babygirl. She’s turned out to be an amazing woman that our family and carats love so much. Members and carats, please continue to make music forever and protect our daughter throughout the rest of your journey. Despite what she may think and tell herself, your father loves you and is proud of you. You will always be our greatest achievement in life. Please stop saying sorry to me, I would much rather hear thank you from now on. That’s an order! From Rosie’s mom and dad who love her, seventeen, and carats very much.
the second they started showing their parents messages, she gasped and covered her mouth
teared up reading everyone’s letters to the members
kneeled on the floor with her hands folded
when it got to her parents letter, she swear she felt the whole dome spinning
laughed at her fathers handwriting
because she could tell when her father was writing and it switched to her mothers
her dads is so messy while her moms is neat
lost herself when he told her to stop saying sorry
couldn’t finish the letter and just broke down
she was still crying when they started doing their ments
there was a lot of pent up emotions so she just let it all spill out
as she did her ending ment, she took several pauses to cry and collect herself
even her makeup was running
dk and jeonghan helped clean her face up with tissues
didn’t care that the whole world was seeing her in such a vulnerable state
ENDING MENT: Wow. I really didn’t see that coming, the messages from our families. I feel like a crybaby right now ew. I probably look really ugly right now and for that I am sorry. I’m sorry you had to see me like this. I’m supposed to be a person you look to for strength, but even now I can’t be what you need. Just like you depend on us, we depend on carats love and trust between our members to keep going. I really love everyone in this room so much. It was so hard reading my dads message. The reason why I work so hard and exert myself is to make my carats and my family proud. Especially my dad. I’ve always felt so in debt to him, because our family stems from a line of doctors and I had to be the one to break that cycle. So I always feel guilty and sorry to him and even begin to question myself and my path. And he never expresses his feelings like he did in that letter so now I feel like my hard work has finally paid off. It only took almost a decade but I am content now. I love and miss you mom and dad. Carats, thank you for always sticking by our side and loving Seventeen unconditionally. I love you and I will keep working hard to make you proud. Until my last dying breath. We will see you in April. Rosiehae~
started crying again whens he said rosiehae
her eyes were so red and puffy
hugged each of the members during the encore
the tightest hugs ever
literally the grip is insane
its always awkward when she hugs the members but tonight was different
had a basket full of single preserved roses
handed them out to carats all over the dome
acted like she was going to give one to dino but instead through it to the crowd
did the fighting dance with vernon and dino
a night she will remember for the rest of her life
#justmochi: rosie#rosie.misc#rosie.caratland#14th member of seventeen#seventeen 14th member#fake seventeen oc#fake seventeen member#svt oc#fake svt member#fake svt addition#fake kpop addition#fake kpop idol#fake kpop soloist#addition to kpop
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Hello :) would it be okay if I could have a demon slayer matchup for both a hashira and a demon in headcanon format :)
I am a straight 24 year old female, pronouns are she/her who stands at 5’3 and my star sign is Capricorn. I have long black hair and hazel eyes, fashion wise I normally dress in black and other dark colours as black and purple are my favourite colours, I normally wear skinny jeans and combat boots so generally punk style or goth style. On special occasions I dress more girly, and my love language includes small touches and acts of service and in terms of relationships mutual respect for one another’s interests and hobbies is always a plus.
I’m normally shy when talking to people for the first and scared to approach people. When I get to know people, I am more open and hyper around them. I really enjoy testing myself and improving myself as a whole, I also like to take care of other people and make sure they’re doing okay. I normally spend my time watching horror movies, playing video games, reading, listening to music and I love watching anime’s such as JJBA, Demon Slayer, Attack on Titan etc. My favourite music genre is rock or metal and my favourite group at the minute is Rammstein. My ideal dates are normally visiting museums, anything historical, or going to the cinema and having dinner as long as we bond and spend time together.
Thank you for you time, I hope you have a fantastic day :)
Hello hello hello!! I'd be happy to give you a matchup!!!!
For demon I am definitely thinking Kokushibo!!! He appreciates your love for history and will often sit down with you and let you talk about what interests you and then goes "Actually, thats wrong." Because he was there or alive during that time!!!
~Definitely loves when you sit with him while he meditates, after a while he lets you comb and play with his hair because he claims he can focus more ;)
~Likes that you are a fan of one-on-one time, that's definitely his love language as well!!
~Loves that you get bouts of the zoomies when you get closer. He's not very energetic in terms of excitement for things, so he loves to listen to you and watch you
~doesn't understand your music taste. He's a bit more....traditional to put it lightly so when you have more masculine/harsher interests his brain kinda shuts down to process.
~Big soft cuddly man when sad, hunts you down and just picks you up to cuddle
~He doesn't eat human food obviously, but really likes to surprise you with meals once or twice a month! Bonus if you let him feed from you in return.
~Does not let you around the other uppermoons. No exceptions. Does his best to keep you from Muzan too. The reason he does this? He doesn't want you spilling the beans that he's a cuddler and a history nerd like you.
For a Hashira I was torn between either Giyuu or Gyomei! I ultimately chose Gyomei simply because he also gives off that big softie vibe.
~Believe it or not, he makes a lot of "hey good lookin" blind jokes. None of the other Hashiras believe you.
~Also will just hoist you onto his shoulders sometimes
~LOVES LOVES LOVES your tenacity and willingness to improve. Its something he admires so much about you it brings him to tears
~speaking of tears!!!
~a comprehensive list of everything Gyomei cries about involving you:
any time you say "I love you"
any time you cuddle
any time you make him dinner
any time you listen to him talk about his past
any time you are away for more than five minutes
any time.
~Loves if you cry with him.
~He loves teaching you about Buddhism and loves it if you know about the history behind it. If you ever go to a museum you will have to describe everything you see, which he loves because he loves hearing your voice.
~You two do an in-home date night every week if you can, where you make dinner together and talk about your week
~If you are a demon slayer, then you two def train together. You probably end up becoming Hashira-level due to your time spent with him. You def help with the battle against Kokushibo, and for some reason he can't help but go a little soft on you. Wonder why?
~You definitely make sure he is alive at the end of that fight
~You take over an orphanage together and every time he hears you with children he cries FOUNTAINS of tears.
You want both? You get both
~Dating the top Uppermoon and top Hashira is.....well, good for you!
~Lets just say this is a redemption au where all the Kizuki join with the demon slayers to end Muzan
~Originally you had just been with Gyomei, but the uppermoons had to live with a Hashira to be basically babysat. So, Kokushibo was picked to go with Gyomei!!!
~Kokushibo didn't realize another person lived there until you came home, and then promptly held your sword to his neck
~Lord he just about fell for you then
~Gyomei explains the situation, and you immediately apologize. No sooner have you said the words "I'm sorry", then you are asking him a bazillion questions about things he witnessed in history.
~Gyomei just sighs and lets you run yourself out of energy.
~Eventually you get to a point where they both like to cuddle you, so you're wrapped up in a Gyomei-Kokushibo sandwich. They both just alternate between stroking your hair or your cheek. Once Gyomei trusts Kokushibo enough he falls asleep with you, and Kokushibo watches over you both.
~Occasionally you and your two mans will walk into a Kizuki/Hashira meeting and Sanemi and Akaza side eye each other because they do NOT understand how you pulled them.
I hope you enjoyed!!!!
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So please correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think Alias ever really talked about how awful the whole doubling process would be? Like, the actual process itself would probably be pretty painful, sure, but remember going through puberty and having your body adjust to all that? Except this time your entire DNA is being changed. But not your brain, apparently. (WHICH, while I'm rambling, according to this report, you 100% can identify different brains from each other. In Alias, however, they say you can only tell if someone's a double through their eyes, which means that the person's actual brain is also changed, so I guess Alias just casually tried to tell us that souls or something of that ilk do, in fact, exist, and then never mentioned that again)
Which puts us in a very unique position! Because your brain's shape is now different, it's literal dna is different, and that does affect you as a person, except no?? It doesn't effect the doubles? As far as we see they're the same person. Ignoring the way more fun option of this does effect the doubles and maybe they start to show traits that the original had which would've been SO much fun but whatever, let's just say that your brain shape/makeup doesn't matter. Everything you do, everything that makes you you comes from something else. Your soul, your spirit, Rambaldi controlling you like a video game character, whatever.
This would make being a double really, really suck. Because your consciousness just got poured into this new body, essentially, which means that you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA HOW TO USE IT. The proportions are just wrong, first of all. Maybe the original's legs are a little longer. Now you have to walk up a flight of stairs, and not only are their legs longer, maybe they're a little thicker. Maybe they have a bad knee that you never knew about. Maybe they work out a lot and their legs are way stronger than yours were. Even if you guys were exactly the same height and lived exactly the same way, you would still have fundamentally different legs.
But for the sake of argument let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say okay, so maybe you still have your soul/consciousness/whatever, but that just contains your memory and personality and what not. All of the physical aspects are controlled by your brain, which should be suited to your body either way because that's how the process works. (Disclaimer: I am not a scientist and have no idea what I'm talking about) Okay, fine. That's fair. Except...even if your brain can move your legs perfectly, wouldn't it still be terrifying to remember that this isn't how they normally move? Your body might be perfectly functional, but your mind still wouldn't be used to functioning it.
(And this is all very sudden, too! I mentioned puberty earlier, but that is something that a) still takes place in your own body, with your own brain. It's hormones changing, not DNA. And b) might come faster for some people, but you know, generally takes a little longer than a couple-hour long surgery)
Also if we were to go that route, what would happen if the original person say, had some mental condition? That's a brain thing, not a soul thing. Your physical brain is now the same as theirs, so would you inherit that too?
In conclusion: local idiot rambles about how Allison should've misjudged a step and fallen down a flight of stairs and gotten adhd from Francie.
#i um. don't know that any of this is coherent.#i just think about it sometimes#alias#but sometimes i want SO BADLY to see allison do something and go ???#and then be just absolutely terrified when she realizes that hey this is something francie used to do#just!! losing your sense of self but it's STILL YOU!!#and other people say ah yes. this is right. this is how it ought to be#and i get it. i know that irina was having her do a job#but sometimes it's just like oh wait no this is literally the trans experience (tm)#you're just living your life comfortably until something or someone says no. you have to change (in this case irina)#and you do not get a choice!! so you do#and it's still YOU. but you look different and it's wrong and IS it?#and it can be terrifying!#and some people will say no this is right and some people will agree with you and say this isn't right actually let's get you back#but see that's the thing also you can't ACTUALLY go back. you can go forward sure you can go towards something else#but if you're trans you can never go back to how you were as a kid! that's not how that works you HAVE to go forward!#but allison is so tragic bcos she never gets to go forward either! she's stuck looking like that until she dies!#I JUST.#anyways. my incoherent rambling is over. (for now)
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Im autistic & adhd. Also have undiagnosed physical health issues which been acting up lately. Really not doing well, need help. Currently in shutdown, include verbal shutdown. And struggling type, forgive grammar plz. Need help & support, but is none. Don’t know what do. Everything feel impossible. Long vent under cut.
Want run away, somewhere no one can find. Somewhere quiet & alone, with internet & tv so can watch comfort shows, play comfort games, etc. But will turn off phone, or get new number, or just block all family except younger sister on everything, or something, idk. Want comfy bed & comfy chairs & good temperature control & good food, and just quiet & solitude. Preferably somewhere out in nature. Let everyone figure out their own shit without me. Can’t do this anymore. ONLY things keeping me from doing are younger sister & lack of money. Mom & twin sister need figure shit out on own, can’t handle anymore. Can’t do.
Dont have a job or any money at all, literally only have $5 (and well over $20k in credit card debt, in collections). Am in autistic burnout & have been for nearly 3 years now. Had quit job in May cuz burnout so bad. But still expected take care of entire family.
Live with dad & twin sister (will call twin). Dad extremely NT & able bodied, dont understand me/twin at all. Knows nothing about autism/adhd & unwilling to learn. Pays bills & does chores so that is helpful, but not willing do any other support. Doesn’t believe in mental health.
Mom & younger sister (will call younger) live with grandma. Younger is 12 yrs younger, i basically raised. Feel almost more like parent than sister. Also is best friend & person i care most about in world, would die for her. Hate seeing her suffer. Twin & younger both also autistic & adhd, and neither have job. Grandma has moderate (bordering on advanced) dementia & need 24/7 supervision & support. Younger currently has busted knee, on crutches & really struggling & lot of pain. Mom refusing to believe is as bad as is, thinks younger is exaggerating, barely helping her. Ive been having drive over nearly daily to help. Mom had multiple strokes 2 years ago, still has both cognitive & physical challenges as result, & just lost job. Mom almost deffo undiagnosed autistic/adhd but refuses to believe. Doesnt believe younger is either (she still undiagnosed, me & twin formal diagnosed recently). Mom never great person, but got much worse after strokes, is mean & bordering on verbally abusive to us (and is DEFFO verbal abusive to grandma). Also has horrible memory & cognitive issues, doesnt understand things correctly, half of what she says doesn’t make sense, makes helping her hard.
Twin sick rn, lots of stomach issue & pain. Found out few months ago has enlarged spleen, but no answer yet, cant see specialist til Dec. Twin also has medical anxiety, so hard to know for sure what is real & what isnt. Every day twin ask me for MULTIPLE favors; get things for her, do things for her, etc. Also get MULTIPLE txts every day complaining about not feeling well, yet she refuse go doctors. Counted once a few days ago: in 11 hour period, asked for 7 favors & texted 13 times about pain.
Even when not sick tho, twin basically never help. Feels like she think I “less disabled” than her, not true. I doing horribly and still have take care everyone else while she sits on couch play video games & ask me to bring her things. No one ever bring ME things. Twin NEVER return favor no matter how bad I do/how well she do. One sided only.
Today twin ask for SO MANY THINGS, CONSTANTLY. Doesnt seem to care that I not doing well either & just CANNOT handle, keeps asking anyway. I tell her how bad am doing & immediately she ask for more favors. Won’t shut up about how sick she is (feeling very “wrong” w/stomach issues, has enlarged spleen but don’t know why yet & is worried that is cause), and says she is NOT OK, and that something is VERY wrong & she is worried she is dying, but also won’t get her ass to ER. Also expect /ME/ take her AND go in with, if decides go. Told her has to ask mom or dad first. Now just won’t go, and instead just keep complain to me about how bad doing & keep asking for help with stuff.
On top of that, am constant worried about all shit mom needs to do: get grandma house in her name so can keep (rn bank gets when grandma dies due to 2nd mortgage or something idk, which will make mom & younger homeless), get grandma car in her name (mom hasnt had own car in like 6+ yrs, just uses gma’s), figure out her unemployment (applied but no check yet cuz needs submit weekly proof of job applications & doesnt know how), get guardianship for grandma (mom never even got power of attorney, and is too late now cuz grandma cant understand to sign, so rn we just stuck cuz grandma not capable make decisions, but legally we cant make for her either), update her resume, get help for grandma, etc. Most of it fall to me. Mom kind of person who just WILL NOT do things, no matter how much help u give (ex: was trying get her accommodations for her job after strokes so wouldnt lose job. Explained process multiple times, both verbally & in writing. Figured out who she needed contact for help & wrote out email for her, ALL she had do was copy & paste & send email. Didnt do it. Now fired cuz couldnt keep up w/out accommodations). Mom also no longer even ask for help, just tells us we are doing. Ex: said to me “I’m going to come over tomorrow so you can help me do my job searches for unemployment.” Just tells me I’m doing it, not even ask. Sick of it. Grandma have dementia, at point where cannot even shower or wash hands, we have no support at all, doing everything ourselves. ADRC says only way to get grandma help is to put lien on her house & sell to pay off when she dies, but mom & younger live with grandma so that would make them homeless once she dies. Says we can’t even get occasional respite care unless give up house, let alone regular in home care.
Just can’t handle anymore. Feel like am being broke into thousand pieces, or crushed by thousand lb weights. Feel stuck. Feel like no choices, no good options, no way out. Want run away. Want take younger & her cat & find cabin in woods somewhere & just go run away from everything/everyone else. But can’t, no money. Feel so stuck. No help. No support. Don’t know what do.
#will probably delete this later but rn feel stuck & DESPERATE for help/ideas/suggestions#vent#autism#adhd#rant#beth posts
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Year one.
As to pluto and uranus seeming interchangeable, one always has residue from the other.
Prime seal.
… ugh. And i give up having any human connectiin to anyone. Its never going happen. Been trying for 40 years. It diesnt exists in hell.
I was just born for the sole purpose of being fucked. And never experiencing anythign other.
Yay, neptune is coming to aries. Time to soems the rest of my life in a delusion.
Well, guess i’ll if i survive another year. Its another eros/psyche conjunction this Christmas. A spyche/ Eros return for my birthday. With okuto square oluto. And saturn square/ opposition uranus. Everything is hapoening on the late. 26th ish degrees. Ass is still sensitive. Makes me want to die. Another year stolen by the enrourage pf people working me over these last few decades. And this rapist culture. They tild me 20 years ago that i may not survive this.
But they’re dumb and biased and have my motives all wrong. Doesnt matter im always im the wrong being wronged.
Moral of my life story, dint fight for what you beleive in.
All my dreams are dead. Theres no point being alive. In hust a villain framed by fucken villains.
Maybe if i live to see neptune in aroes in this scrit dedigned yo rape my life. Ill spend the rest of my “functionsl” yeRs veinb an alcoholic.
Freat my ass is going to keep me up all night again. Miss more work. Lose more life. Not like im
Not serrounded by there anyway. Its always been that way. Since birth.
Well, tarot’s dead. Now i no longer even have a hobby. I have nothing.
I din’t need a brain or personal development or to learn anything. Ill just be pure sex. Nothign else.
And ill nusy pretend i like the people im with. Bit i really do not give a shit. Thats too bad i was good at tarot. I can just go back to indiscriminately watching tv again. And ill just go back to fantasizing about sex all day. Cause thats all im good for.
Wonder what hating myself for the rets of kife is going to be like. I don’t need to produce or create anything. Im just here to satiate desires for others to stabd over me. Its been 40 years of it. Its not going to stop now. Do need life guard qualities either. Don’t need to help and try to fix others. Or take any position of assertion. Theres no point.
There’s only tei reasons to be alive. To reproduce or to produce. I cant have either. Im just here to consume whatver cock they through at me. Cayse i live in a hypersexed perverted, rapist civilization. That Just shits all over natural law. They’ve destroyed everything. I dont even childhood memeries.
Well huess im not dtaying at wirk todsy.
Go hime play video games by myséf. In the dark. While syill being open to
Abuse. And smoke dope. I dont need a brain. Or a life.
Fuck tour shadow work and fuck yoyr byllshiy
My own family, took pleasure in being superior over me. Since my first memory own. Well except that short while i got to be a big brother and look out for them from all the negative influences on impressionable youth. Or dumb old people. Why wouldn’t the rest of the world too. If your own famuly did it. It doubles extra for the rest of the world.
So my suicide is still on the horizon. As with this fucken horrorscope is to year one.
Whilw this entire fucken entourage micro manages my fycken spyche, mirroring reality. If i do anything remotly masculime or hetero theyd put and leave signs around. That correspoded to ehat i was foing.
Doing everything in their power witj their homo nazi manifesto. Being totalitarians
Suppose to be happy right now with a wife and three year kid but whaéve r
I feel so wrkng and unatural i fucken hate this. Fucken kill me. My father is fucken laughing at me.
How many more years i am going to be tortured by assholes.
Im quitting my day rape job and hanging myselg.
Everyone including my family are forcing me to kill myaelf how do you think i feel. 40 fucken years of this shit.
Yeah ok, sure. All rainbows and sunshine abd mental bs. With no sleep, and a vagina that never goes dry.
And wveryone thinks im sonething im not.
Fuck your horrorscope and fuck uranus.
Fuck you all for dtanding by watching and reading and not helping me be rid of those fucken assholes being abusive fuckers. And for joining in on keeping mw envlosed in this bs. Perpetuaying the disorder and then raping me for it. Your entire way of oives deserve to burn.
A real himan bwing wouldvhave killed me instead of torture. What the fuck is wrong woth this picture. It aint me.
It dirsnt fucjen matter im being murdered ians im not hping to be alive much longer. So cheerios to a world populated by dipshits and rapists. Worse than whst russia gets flaked for.
Fucken woodpeckers.
Put that up on the list of sexual derogatories. It has the word pecker in it.
And eating chivken makes uou gay.
Finger livking good. Now im going to go buy some chocolat bars named after various cocks.
And good fortune. Saturn is the good guy. Keeping the fucks above at bay from crowsing its fucken boraders. And raping existance.
Pretty french girl with a daughter. She needed love. And to be noticed. So i watched a bit. She was trying to be inconspicous about noticing me. I smiled. Whether she saw. Im not sure maybe. My periphery iwas being used into somethign else. But, she came back aftwr she left. And whenni was walkign out the door she came back. Had her cart stuck in the door. I moved it. And like a ghost. She said something to me. That she has to go over there. An di had to move out of the way. For her to have the room to do so. I gave her the love she needed. If only in a small part that leaves her memory by tomorow.
Too bad im being murdered.
This os another part of me im teying to protect. But the world doesn twamt it.
I shouldnt show this side of me though. Unlike the sickness and bs. Its never been supported.
But their “therapy” is working.
And ill
Live out all the worset parts of me for the rest of days. And cry over never knwoing what love received feels like. Giving in to every craving, losing the conscience. Being envoloped by darkness and retard clowns.
Always filling a need or a desire over everything else. Over life itself. And the bodies it inhabits. Thats ehat the eorld wants.
I dont want to be slive anymore. Why cant i judg kill myself.
I dont need to be able to focus on anything. Or even sleep.
And i dont need to self -develop at all. In any posotive capacity. I have othets to do that for me. Save that they dont care.
I coukd be a normal person going through a divirce settlement at moment. But no.
Be on pills for the rest if my life. That restrict me from driving.
I aont taking anti depressants. That shit fucked me up. Made me unstable. And imbalanced. Even after 2-3 years of “covid” or emasculation. Same thing. I still firgot my mask everyday. It was the same with the pills. Then i got beat up again and family members ayanding over by body on the ground. Lecturing me. Then i quit the pills and got raped by the world.
One homo or drunk or drug addiilct after the bext fucken abusing me. Year after year. Place after place. While being in this entrapement of shadow assholes guiding me to everything negative experience. To force me into being a sissy slut.
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Chapter 14; I guess
5 months ago it was her birthday, I wished her a happy birthday and she didn't reply. Since then, something happened that I consider to be a very good thing, and honestly, I am kinda surprised that it happened.
For the first time in my life, I am trying to improve my life for no one other than me. I mean, it's kinda more complicated than that because I'm not so sure that I'm doing this solely for my own "good". But the point is, there is no girl that I'm trying to impress anymore, at least no individual girl. I wanna be who I want to be, who, I believe, I deserve to be and I have the potential to be.
I've always been a kind of a fickle person, I can't decide on one thing and focus on that for at least a long period of time, well, except when it come to girls of course, on those, I think I actually focused too much. But for everything else, like for programming languages, I've always change my mind about which one I wanna focus on. For that reason, I'm usually skeptical about the things I choose, perhaps that's actually the problem. But it's been a few years that I've decided making video games is what wanna do with my life. Of course, there's still time to change my mind, there are many factors that can affect that, and the most important one is if I can't get myself into a position to be able to actually do it. That's more likely to happen than giving up because of failure.
The plan is to improve some of my fundamental software engineering skills, do the military service and apply for a job abroad. After that, I can make plans to create and publish video games and try to go full time. Problem is, it's harder than it sounds and I don't trust myself. I've almost never done what I'd said I would've. It's so much work during a long period of time, I'm not good at that, but, well, like I always say, that's the only way I know how to live.
The actual problem however, like it always has been, is lack of energy. And I don't know what the fuck I should do about that, I'm going to have my blood tested and get some supplements, maybe try to live a little healthier, but there is only one way I'll go hardcore on that and become serious and consistent about that, and that is if I see results, which to be honest, I'm skeptical about too.
There are many things that could go wrong and many things that I'm worried about. Like how can I do both my job and read and do all the books and courses that I'm planning to do, will I actually get to the point where I can safely say that I've done what I needed to do before doing the military service? Will I actually go for it? How hard is it gonna be? Can I really get a job abroad knowing who I am? Would I have the time and energy to work on my games assuming I got that job and immigrated? I've always had this feeling that life is kinda harder for me than for most people, like a "normal" person would have an easier time achieving my goals, but I guess many people feel that way.
Right now, I'm stuck at "actually doing the work", where I usually get stuck. I can just hope that what happens next in the long run will be at least somewhat aligned with this plan.
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I’m a writing beast! Except when I’m not…
I learned a long time ago that the thing you love most can kill you if you let it. Back when I first started writing, I didn’t take it very seriously: I just sat down and repeatedly slapped the keyboard, letting my kinky imagination have free reign with little regard to plot, character development, or plot twists. You can tell this from books like No, Daddy! I’m Not Mommy!, Cramming Sis!, and Please Don’t Get Me Pregnant!. They were the first books I wrote, and you can tell by reading them how few fucks I had to give. I wasn’t taking my writing career seriously, which showed in my work. Sure, they were fun to write, but they had about as much substance as a handful of lettuce.
They sold. Well. This prompted me to try and elevate my craft, to try and write kinkier, more elaborate stories. I became obsessed with being the best writer I could, so I scoured the internet eagerly looking for any and all advice I could find. I attempted to follow everything I found, even going so far as to snag a copy of Stephen King’s On Writing, which is a fantastic book, and devouring everything I found with a hunger usually reserved for cheese fries at Snuffer’s.
Somewhere along the way, however, I quit having fun. Writing became more of a job than a fun little distraction, and I was taking things so seriously that I repeatedly started burning out. So, I decided the best thing to do was step away from writing for a bit. After a while I would return reinvigorated, only to feel the urge to break quickly returning. I began immersing myself in other hobbies, such as watching anime, reading manga, and playing video games. When I decided to write, it felt forced, like working out sometimes feels when you’re just not feeling it.
Maybe I wasn’t meant to be a writer. I wondered to myself. I mean, my command of the English language isn’t exactly on par with other famous authors. I have a conversational writing style, and I actively try to avoid writing over someone’s head… whereas some authors I read have me pulling out a dictionary every few pages. It almost seems like they’re trying to impress readers with their vocabulary knowledge. Should that really be your goal when you write, however? Shouldn’t the story matter most? You know, trying to coax the reader to immerse themselves in your carefully crafted world?
Back on track.
Even though I took a bit of a sabbatical from writing, I continuously found myself jotting down story ideas. Instead of deep, immersive plots and plot twists, they were more fun and quick little ditties that made me remember the tales I wove when I first started writing. When I found myself actually writing them and tearing myself away because I started feeling guilty that I wasn’t working on my more serious works, I knew something was wrong with the writing habits I had adopted.
I took a long, hard look at my authoring and then decided to just relax. I set goals, yes, but tackle the actual creative writing only when I feel inspired to. Don’t treat it as a job, but instead as a passion.
Damn, did that paradigm shift ultimately change who I am as an author!
I now proudly consider myself a writing beast. I’ve filled all my releases until 2027 and still have extra stories coming out exclusively for Subscribestar members. Life is good. However, I know there are many lessons I need to learn and many ways I still need to improve as an author.
I look forward to the road ahead…
#amwriting#amediting#authorlife#authorconfession#authorshare#life#indieauthor#authorproblems#author#amliving
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Permit me some self-indulgence to share my Favorite Character Bingo.
For this bingo I favored my fandom tags (17/24 spaces selected from my 25 listed fandom tags) and tried to round out with movies that I adore.
I wanted to diversify my range of franchises to include TV, animation, books, comics and video games and also pick characters that resonated most with each of us, though Camden's influence is felt the strongest. I won't state where the attachments lay but I'm sure those who know us can infer.
Descriptions and reasons under Read More.
Full spoilers for any character featured. Content warning for suicide discussion under cut.
1: Miles Edgeworth - Ace Attorney - Literally the last square filled in and we looked at the remaining 9 fandom tags and thought "which of these 9 have a character that we feel strongly about", it was either him or Alucard Castlevania and both for the same reason, daddy issues. I love the idea of a virtuous child of anime Atticus Finch being raised by a deliciously evil prosecutor to become everything his father would have hated. I love the conflict between two siblings raised in the house of Perfection. I love his dramatic ass (except when he pulls that "chooses death" bullshit. That was unforgivable). Plus I just adore his slowburn romance with Phoenicholas, how supportive he is of their daughter, Trucy, and how the sequel trilogy is sparing enough of him that we always miss him when he's not around. He is our favorite Ace Attorney character by a mile. Plus he's a the straight man (well, he's got his hidden eccentricities, but for comedic purposes he's the straight man) in a world of lunacy. The first game leaned heavy on that joke and it always made me smile.
2: Catra - She-Ra (2018) - Our tag for She-Ra is "Catra Did Nothing Wrong" and she is the character in all of fiction I would go up to bat for every time if I saw a debate start up on a Discord I frequent. I'll be straight. She's our (Camden's, anyway) BPD projection character. I adore watching characters with crucial personal failings get swallowed up by dramatic irony. There's something so powerful in being an audience member and knowing what a character wants, what they need, what they should do-- while understanding it's not in their nature to do it. I wanted her to stay with Scorpia in the desert where she was respected and comfortable but knew that it just couldn't be. I loved all the moments where her failings caught up with her. When Scorpia walked away from her, when Double Trouble gave her emergency therapy, the way she struggled with her hair and entire season to force herself to be something she couldn't sustain. I love Catra more than I can measure. I could write essays on how I would do exactly as she did in Season 2 and ruin EVERYTHING for just the chance of a parent proving that they loved her. To be consumed by self-doubts and paranoia and terror of abandonment. Catra is the character we are most like in all of fiction. For better and for worse. Much like her, we're trying to be better.
3: M'gann M'orzz/Miss Martian - Young Justice - Surprisingly I have two Greg Weisman shows on this bingo and no fandom tags for his work, I am using my generic DC tag here. I should change that at some point. M'gann gets so much character development over the 4 seasons of Young Justice. From a starting point of her blue and orange morality of being a Martian not understanding Earth customs causing her to break consent boundaries with her abilities and hurt people (including a fairly uncomfortable angle where she grooms Connor to be her fantasy boyfriend without him knowing what she's doing) to her learning in season 2 that a black and white morality is hardly any better (she mind crushes enemies, thinking that it's good to pacify evil until she does this to someone who turned out to be innocent) to her being a transgender allegory in season 4 (where she meshes the two cultures that she's part of and tries to gain cultural acceptance). There are elements of her story which are under baked, we know that she received a heavy amount of discrimination growing up due to her being a white martian and the arc of her embracing her heritage happens off screen between seasons 2 and 3. Her romance with Connor was well handled, though, particularly as she was not virtuous. In season 2 she was in the wrong (having tried to mind control Connor against his consent) and reacted very poorly to his rejection of her and used a rebound relationship to make him jealous (fortunately Lagoon Boy ended up in a healthy poly family and is doing great. Did I mention Young Justice has good relationship dynamics? Because it does). As with Catra I adore characters who have made mistakes and take a slow road to making up for those mistakes because it begins dialogues about their ethics and every season of Young Justice is about trust, communication, deceit and manipulation and Megan is easily the most complex character when it comes to those themes, particularly as her abilities allow her to blur those lines even in her personal relationships. She's an ethical trainwreck and I love her.
Every character in Young Justice brings something to the table and I think I should note how that deep vein of character driven story telling brings out the best in others. I had mentioned Megan groomed Connor. She was obsessed with an Earth sitcom when she was on Mars and decided to become the main character of it and then when presented with the newly born Superboy decided to start treating him as that Sitcom's love interest who was named Connor. It was a massive violation and Connor was hurt and confused when he learned and it was also in an episode where Megan lied about her racial heritage and Connor, who had been inside her mind, KNEW she was lying and told her outright that she shouldn't fear his judgment. The thing about Connor is that his arc is about finding personal identity when he is defined by everyone else's expectations and impressions. Cadmus and Lex literally programmed him, Superman put him in a box and kept distance from him, the Genomorphs have expectation of him, the team have expectation of him, even his girlfriend is trying to shape him and for much of the show he struggles with it but doesn't reject it. He finds comfort in being accepted in these windows of projection and expectation and I find that him learning who he really is and what he stands for to be one of the more compelling narrative threads throughout the 4 seasons. He and Megan are the main couple in a show about trust and communication after all and I think it should go that the character who typically displays the most raw honesty and vulnerability should be paired off with the most ethically complicated character because they bring the most out of one another while still wanting their relationship to succeed. I know much of the audience dislikes the pair and thinks Connor forgiving and eventually marrying Megan is a bridge too far but I really think they work for one another and even when they don't, from a storytelling perspective it's compelling as shit.
4: Briar Moss - The Circle of Magic - When I started this meme Daja (username relevant, yes) asked if I was going to pick Tris or Briar. They are both "Camden characters" with one being a child who has been kicked out of her biological family and the other being someone who grew up in extreme poverty adapting to moving up the caste system. I went with Briar purely because of the 4 siblings he is the one with the most interesting dynamics with his mentor and student. Evvy sticks around in the main cast while the other apprentices do not hang around and Dedicate Rosethorn is my favorite adult in the franchise easily. Briar is a streetwise kid who has to learn how to trust and rely on people and sadly in the third quartet (pending Tris' Lightsbridge book being written) he gets a painfully accurate depiction of PTSD. I wrote about my reaction to the ending of Will of the Empress a while ago and I stand by my comments. Briar building a safe place as the home he built with his siblings and staying there when he was tortured burned my heart. As did the sequence of him deciding that if Rosethorn was going to let herself die then he was going to follow her. As I'll allude later, I have experience there... and it certainly aided my fondness for Briar.
Much of the fun of the Circle of Magic series is seeing how the siblings adapt to their abundance of magical potential and I love the fact that for 3 of the 4 this is depicted via external means. For Daja Kitsubo and Sandry it is via their art, Daja bends and shapes metal, pouring her power into items where Sandry weaves it into fabric. Briar cultivates his via life. He grows plants and those plants are imbued with his magic. If I had picked Tris this would be where I note that her magic is entirely stored within her, bottled up (literally when she starts glasswork) and too much to contain. Magic is emotion, it is passion, it is a connection to life and the world and with Briar his is not giving shape to his creations, it is cultivating the growth of things that cannot be tamed, he communes with the wild of the world and aids it and heals it. Daja and Sandry give their power shape and form as art. Tris tames the raging storm inside and eventually scries the winds to connect with the world without letting it break her, Briar's power is in love and nurture (which I adores as he is the only member of the 4 with masculine pronouns- as with all Tammy's work, gender is not a box) and it's fitting that his connection to both mentor and student be the strongest due to this.
Also his tattoos are cool.
For a personal anecdote that happened while we were reading Briar's Book. Towards the end there's a sequence where Rosethorn and Briar had an argument in the afterlife and Rosethorn only chose to live again because Briar would have let himself die otherwise. That parent-child suicide gambit--- that's what I was alluding to before. I don't want to type more than is necessary about it. We have experience. It caused a switch and our girlfriend, Daja, is observant enough that she noted the shift in how we typed. Particularly in how we used the word "ain't" which apparently is something specific only to our male part, Craig. Daja was so lovely, kind and caring in accepting him, seeing him and not pressuring him when he was out that it helped us heal a part of our heart that we had pushed away. I'll always remember that whenever I read that book or think of Briar. It's a huge part of why we're fond of the character.
Incidentally if I picked from Tortall I'd have been paralyzed for choice with Numair, Daine, Kyprioth, Farmer, Kel and Alanna herself. Tamora Pierce writes amazing characters.
5: Jesse Faden - Control - Is Control an isekai? It starts with our main character talking about crawling through the hole behind a poster as if it were the Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole.
Anyway, there's a fantastic character analysis I read once that spoke about the relationship between the director of the FBC and the service weapon with Northmoor trying to impose his will upon the Oldest House and the items within it and Trench being a turn-key manager who simply filled the power vacuum and spent his career trying to find a suitable replacement. These represent the two extremes of Jesse's potential leadership of the Federal Bureau of Control. She could either go all in and try to claim ownership of the Bureau and impose her will upon the forces that are too strong to control or she could reluctantly attempt to maintain the Bureau without considering herself actually in charge of it. What she actually does is she finds a path of humility. She is the janitor's assistant. Neither king nor steward of the bureau but the custodian of it. She does not seek control nor does she seek to pass on the responsibility. She merely manages the messes and does so as an assistant. Ahti is the most powerful entity in the game by far and by trusting in him and following his direction, Jesse becomes the perfect head of the bureau.
I was predisposed to love her because she has red hair, she was a lot like the tabletop character I took my name from, she's got a queer dynamic with the head of research and technically she's plural. She's wonderful.
Oh and she's an oddball. I love the little hints of just how weird Jesse is beneath her protagonist swagger. I should probably write more about her, particularly as much of her depth as a character is not obvious from a surface read of the material. Maybe I will some day, but I love her.
6: Chidi Anagonye - The Good Place - The Good Place is a sitcom adaptation of Jean-Paul Satre's play No Exit and involves 4 people sent to hell and are utilized to be one another's unwitting tormentors. The thing is that part of the message of the virtue ethics driven show is that in the modern world every action we do or do not do causes additional suffering in the world and the 4 "cockroaches" are not bad souls, they just made choices that made them bad people. For Chidi he is a good and loving person who is kind and heavily believes in virtue ethics. He belongs in hell because he's anxious and indecisive and makes people's lives harder by worrying so much about how to be a good person. I love Chidi because his growth is less about becoming a better person and more about being confident enough in his convictions to know he's a good person. In every reality he will inevitably help the other cockroaches and teach them to be better people because that's who he is. But he's also selfless to a literal fault. It's one of his damnable traits. After everyone makes it to heaven people can enjoy paradise until they're ready to move on and he decides to continue past the point of which he makes peace with moving on because he doesn't want to hurt Eleanor.
The final episode of Good Place made me gross sob so much and a big part of it is the sofa scene where Chidi explains his personal philosophy after countless lifetimes of discussing, teaching and learning philosophy he gives Eleanor one final lesson on their final night and then, on request, disappears while she's asleep. Heaven knows I understand making that request of someone you love.
He's the heart of the entire experience. Truthfully I love all 4 of the cockroaches and it comes down to how I reacted to their final episodes. Chidi's final moments were the most powerful of the show for me. I love him so much and admire him.
Plus he's a philosophy nerd and as a fellow philosophy nerd <3 I love love love him!
7: Allison "Ally" Carter - Sunstone - Every character in Sunstone deserves to be on this list but I went with Ally because (much like with Chidi) when I have difficulty picking between a stacked cast of great characters I go for the love interest of the protagonist because people really shine when the perspective character is in love with them.
Ally is a god damned dork and she's also an incredible domme. Sunstone is a romance about entering the world of kink circles and navigating the troubled waters that come with consensual risks, emotionally charged play and non-standard relationship dynamics. I love the way the story is presented so much that it is my strongest inspiration for Madison/Belladonna stories.
The thing I love most about Ally is that she's not just the amazing dominant that she plays during the spicy scenes. We get to see her freaking out with nervousness, scared about having to host and live up to expectation, we see her be an absolute nerd, we see her in her element while performing.
I've been Ally and the people I love most have been Ally. Being a Top is hard as heck and you can't help but love the dork as she lives up to expectation while trying to be an adult. Seeing her and Alan literally learning the ropes in the recent GNs has been a gosh darn treat!
8: Elliot Alderson/Mr.Robot (Alderson System) - Mr. Robot - What can I say about my dear Elliot that I haven't already said in my DID Representation in Mr. Robot essay? I love him. The whole system. Though I have an affinity for protectors and so Mr. Robot himself is my favorite. He is such a protector that he will attack his host (well, the show fucks up that aspect of DID enough that it's complicated to call the Elliot we see in the show a host) in order to save him from the evils of late-stage capitalism. When pre-show Elliot wants a way out of loneliness and the evils of modern society he fantasizes about taking it all down. The Elliot in the show just wants to make the evils of the world pay, Mr. Robot is perfectly okay killing entire buildings of collateral to achieve his goals. Not because he's evil but because he's laser focused on his mission. I respect the shit out of that, especially as later seasons show that he's not even remotely as capable as he thinks he is.
The scene during the "sitcom" episode where he takes a beating so Elliot doesn't have to was the moment he won me over and then in season 4 he has the speech where he begs Elliot to understand that he is not their father and that he will disappear if it will help him out of the dark hole he's in. Just the fact that, post memory retrieval, he starts by saying "hey, kiddo..." despite that being the reminder of who he is modeled after. Mr. Robot cannot help but be a manifestation of Edward Alderson, it's who he is, it's why he is. Elliot needed a version of his father who was not a monster. I love him deeply. I love the whole system. Even Magda for all her 7 minutes of screen time.
Plus, Elliot summed up the thesis of the show in the final episodes in saying that changing the world is about living and being visible and in not backing down, no matter what.
And then there's the monologue. Fuck I love this show and these dumb hacker boy.
9: "Badeline"/A Part Of You - Celeste - Well, we're on the topic of plurality so let's stay there. Badeline's a fairly subjective character. Celeste's narrative isn't very long and she doesn't even have an official name. Even the DLC chapter refers to her as "A Part of You". But whether she is a living symbol of Madeline's depression, the doubts and fears she holds towards climbing the mountain/transition or is a protective alter in a plural system, I love her. I always have. The fear she puts into thinking Madeline wants to just get rid of her, the fact that she pushes Madeline to move past grieving Granny faster than Maddy is ready for.
Watching the pair learn to loan one another strength and conquer the mountain was lovely and then seeing Baddy try to stop Maddy from hurting herself in the DLC chapter only to be pushed away was heartbreaking. I just want these two to play nice.
I love that the entire objective of Celeste 64 was for Maddy to reach Baddy and say she's going to go on another adventure and soothe Baddy's fears. Climbing mountains is tough (happy trans day of visibility everyone!) and these two are going to continue doing it, so long as it's together <3
10: Laura Palmer - Twin Peaks (Fire Walk With Me) - So first off, read this essay for better words than we have. We could have picked Dale but Twin Peaks is a show about Laura Palmer and the community that failed her. Laura was a victim of abuse from her father and was commodified by the town who all chose to only see parts of her that they could use for sex, charity, kindness, validation etc etc. There's a meme that goes around:
and I think that at face value it's silly, but it's important to know that everyone in Twin Peaks was complicit in her murder because they used her up for all she was worth and the story works best when you consider that she had no one protecting her, no one saving her. This is why, in Fire Walk With Me, she talks about the angels not coming for her and Donna tries so hard to convince her that they can and will, because Donna, of all the people in Twin Peaks including Dale Cooper, does not want anything from Laura but her trust and friendship.
If you watch Twin Peaks and view Laura as "the victim" then you're doing yourself a disservice. She's a nuanced character and a horrifying Lynchian portrait of those who are caught in webs of abuse. But she has agency. She just has no meaningful way of escaping, particularly when by the end of her life she views the whole world as a prison full of users and abusers and when she finds someone who tries to offer her kindness, she rejects them at first and when they refuse to leave or back off, she tries to drag her down with her. It's only when she realizes that she's so far gone that she'll bring Donna into her personal hell that she decides to become the angel for her and save her. The Pink Room sequence in the movie may well be my favorite part of all the Twin Peaks saga. Laura Palmer is such a compelling character. I love her.
11: Lady Bird/Christine McPherson - Lady Bird - Lady Bird is a phenomenal movie and one of my all-time favorites. I'll split this one up into character and then personal attachment.
For the film, Catherine/Lady Bird is a young woman raised in Sacramento in 2002. She goes to a catholic school because her parents are afraid of sending her to the local public school. Well, I say her parents but the movie is entirely about Lady Bird and her mother. In that regard it is a tough movie to watch because the pair clash so much. Lady Bird and her mom are both willful women and care a lot about what other people think about them. They see one another in the other and hate what they see while still loving one another.
The conflict between Marion and Lady Bird typically displays itself in Marion's refusal to refer to Lady Bird by the name she has chosen for herself. In the Opening Scene she says that "it's stupid and it's not your name" and continually talks down to her daughter, saying that she cannot get into a New York college because she couldn't pass her driver's test (which Lady Bird argues was because Marion refused to let her practice). These clashes continue throughout the movie and any time Lady Bird figures out a way to reframe a critique against her mom she just pivots away. Another example is the "Name a number" scene where after being told that she has no idea how much money it takes to raise her and Lady Bird responds by demanding a number so that she can pay her back; Marion just says "you'll never get a job that earns that much money".
All of this squabbling makes the most sense with the scene in Goodwill where Lady Bird confesses "I just wish that you liked me" to which Marion, dodging again, says "Of course I love you" and Lady Bird calls her on it with "But do you like me?"
Marion pauses and says "I just want you to be the best version of yourself you can be" and Lady Bird, hurt and knowing she won't make a connection says "What if this is the best version of me there is" and Marion gives an incredulous look before letting it sink in. The fact is she is trying to be the best mother she can be and is confronted with the vulnerability that maybe neither she nor her daughter is failing to be their best, maybe this is the best and she has to make peace with that.
That's why I love the movie so much. Two women who want the best for themselves and thus each other but are completely unable to understand one another or connect and speak different emotional languages. It's such a powerful and honest narrative about growing up and becoming your own person. I find the conclusion a little too forgiving on the mother's side, but I love Lady Bird. I love how willful she is, I love how cultured she wants to be. I love how she just wants to be part of the world she feels connected to while knowing she is on the outside of it. Legitimately one of my favorite film characters of all time.
For personal attachment. Camden Dawn is the name of one of my OCs, I first wrote her in 2001 but the version I consider "Camden Dawn" started off in tabletop games that began in 2010. Camden was a raised catholic by two parents who were obsessed with optics and how Camden's behavior reflected on her and their household and she successfully emancipated herself from them after managing to get them to fund her to go to college in Chicago. Over the 7 years I wrote that version of Camden she was always special to me. More than I think I could display to my tabletop group at the time. I considered her my "trainwrecksona" the fantasy version of what we would be like if we were allowed to express our anger, frustration and pain. Camden smoked, she had an alcohol problem, she made bad relationship decisions and was a mess. Watching Lady Bird was like seeing a film version of everything that I was trying to do be done by a masterful actor, director and screenwriter. There is no amount of language I can put into how powerful it is to pour so much of yourself into a fictional character you created, enough of yourself that you adopted her name as your own and to see someone take all the passion and soul that you tried to convey through fiction and do it better. It was awe, admiration and connection.
I'm not Camden (the character) and I'm certainly not Christine. But I understand what emotions go into writing a character like that. How can I not love her when she's the culmination of everything I love about my favorite original character?
12: Bill - It's Such A Beautiful Day - Three heavy movie characters in a row. Bill suffers from an unspecified psychological disorder that messes with his perception of reality and his memories. The movie is an outside view of his life and the narrator becomes so attached to him by the end that it cannot bear to let him go. "He lives and lives until all the lights go out." is such a powerful line to end the production with because that's it. That's all any of us get. The world may continue on without us but our capacity to perceive this beautiful trainwreck is only within us and there's no grander design than that. We live and then the lights go out. Even our memories may die before our ability to perceive. The movie talks about how we start looking forward, start looking back and in the end... all we can do is look around.
Which makes the bus ride so unspeakably poignant, long before the titular Beautiful Day. As the narrator says early on in the experience, life isn't the big memorable experiences, it's all of the tiny little things that happen in between. That bus ride, Bill looking at the raindrops and admiring the world. That's far more true than any moment in the film and what Hertzfeld wants the audience to pick up through the experience.
I became attached to him during the runtime. The mundane thoughts of a person who begins the story with the news that he's going to die and ends up finding the sentiment that gives the movie its title.
Hertzfeld does such an amazing job with Bill. The subtle gestures like how he wrings his hands together or the wrinkles under his eyes betraying his fear and worries. He's a stick figure in a world of stick figures and all he has to differentiate himself is his hat. We cannot even hear him speak because the movie is conveyed only by the narration and yet the animation gives him so much personality.
There are so many scenes which just connect so well, like when he meets his father despite both men being so incapable of understanding the relevance of what is happening.
Bill lives until he doesn't anymore and we share the journey of life with him. It's breathtakingly beautiful.
13: Susan Sto Helit - Discworld - Susan is really three characters. Soul Music Susan, Hogfather Susan (goth Mary Poppins) and Thief of Time Susan (goth Ms. Frizzle).
I love her. I love her more than I have words for. Especially Thief of Time Susan.
She's almost human. Part of her will always be a deity. She is the granddaughter of DEATH and much of her character in Hogfather and Thief of Time is attached to her wanting to embrace her human side. But it's in Thief of Time where she learns that what she's looking for is not to be accepted within humanity, but she wants to find someone who is like her. That's why I adore her connection to Lobsang. She puts up a ward of sensible Susan and tries to be practical and put together but she's a deeply emotional woman and she's lonely because no one else shares her experiences.
She loves her grandfather very much but she cannot abide by "the family business", she is kind to him but wants to be her own person and she ends up finding herself more attached to children because they haven't lost their curiosity yet, in many ways she finds they are more sensible than adults because they haven't decided how things are and closed their hearts and minds to ideas outside of what they think and expect.
Susan is important to me. I love her dearly.
14: Ben Reilly - Spider-Man - We're unapologetic in our love of the clone saga. The thing about Ben (and Kaine) is that he's a fantastic character study into the nature and nurture of Peter Parker and the writers had so many fun and cool ideas for how to handle a version of Peter who had 5 years to not be Spider-Man.
One of my alltime favorite moments in comics is when Aunt May died and Peter is embraced by MJ and Anna, he's surrounded by family. Ben is on the roof, alone. Ben's has no one because he's a clone and completely broken off from others. He slowly builds his own family over time and considers Peter (and Kaine) his brother(s) but it takes time.
The lost years are where he exemplified himself in my eyes. We get to see how he grows from finding out he's not Peter Parker until he returns to New York. How he tries to walk away from responsibility, how he tries to live a normal life. He's a tragic character because no matter how much he wants to be a different man, he still has Peter's memories and cannot help but have the drive that makes him Spider-Man.
15: "Sunshine" Joe Fixit (Banner System) - Hulk - So I did two whole essays on Banner's system with the second part entirely about Joe and Betty's relationship. Fact is Joe is what happens when a man is so repressed and ashamed of himself that he cannot act out. Joe is all of the things that Bruce wants, lusts for, desires but cannot allow himself to act out upon. He's capable of lying, cheating, stealing and killing in a way Bruce can never allow himself to believe he is capable of. The period of time that Peter David was writing Joe as the main front of the system gave us some incredible insights into the widening chasm between his morality and Bruce's as well as what Joe finds himself wanting. There was a period of time where changing into Banner was the greatest fear of Hulk(Fixit) and it worked remarkably well to see the two having their day and night battle for dominance.
But what really made me love him more was the Immortal series where he's in Banner's body and needs to keep the body safe the way that only he can. The latter half of the comic Bruce is not even in the system and it's just Joe and Savage against the world. Joe's a reluctant protector. He used to be a hedonist but over time his affection for the system
Look at this page (first panel especially) from a 4 page side-story where Joe is talking to their therapist and briefly remembers Brian Banner beating the shit out of him and how he would take the beating so Bruce didn't have to.
Joe's attachment to Mike was evident in Peter David's run and solidifying that Joe just wants a father figure is such amazing characterization. With both Mr. Robot and Hulk I love how these adults are driven by childhood notions of safety and comfort. I even hint on it a bit with Catra too with how she sold herself out to get a chance of Shadow Weaver's affection. Good trauma representation is showing how a character carries their past into their present and Joe is a manifestation of Bruce's repressed anger and childhood trauma just as much Hulk himself is. Joe just wants what we all want, to be loved and protected in a world where the person who owed him both those things failed to do either. In lieu of being loved himself, he's damned well going to love his inner family, especially the kid.
16: Kimberly Wexler - Better Call Saul - Kim is a phenomenal character in a character driven drama. Again, when surrounded by amazing characters I go for the protagonist's love interest. But here it's different. In the final season Kim is approached by Mike. Mike is the most level headed guy in the canon. He's the one who is objectively right about everyone and has a good eye to who people are. Enough that Season 4 of the show only makes sense if you consider they needed a season long plot arc for why he didn't execute Walter where he stood in during BrBa.
Mike approached Kim because he judged that she was the one who could be trusted with the information that he had about Lalo Salamanca, another incredible character in a show full of them. Kim is headstrong, crafty and hates being talked down to. She is attracted to Jimmy because they are equals and she typically acts up when Jimmy doesn't display the trust and respect that he owes her.
Throughout the show we get glimpses of her childhood and there are some gems with her mom. She refuses to be picked up from school when her mom shows up late and drunk and ends up walking home miles on her own. There's a scene where she steals from a store and her mom picks her up and acts up the punishment she would get only to laugh about the store manager after leaving the scene. Kim had a tough childhood and bad rolemodels and yet still clawed her way up to being a lawyer.
We get to see her realize that the system is inherently broken to its core and no amount of pro-bono work within the system will make a difference, she is reduced to constantly being hit with "did Jimmy put you up to this" levels of disrespect for her agency. Kim is fascinating because she was always the capable one and Mike and Jimmy are about the only people in the show who can see it and even Jimmy can't when his ego gets in the way.
Aren't you tired of being nice? Don't you want to go apeshit?
Kim is best girl and Rhea Seehorn should be given every Emmy forever.
17: Johnny Truant/Pelafina H. Lièvre/The Book Itself - House of Leaves - This one is a total cheat. The fact is I wanted to type "anyone who types in Courier or Dante fonts" but the book is a mind worm and the mere act of trying to communicate about it is a bottomless pit that will make you look like you're in front of a Pepe Silvia wall. The fact is nothing inside of the book House of Leaves can be said to have happened in any meaningful sense. It's a journal of a man reading an analysis of a film of events that likely didn't happen and the person at the top of that narrative pyramid (well, under The Editors, I suppose) is an admitted liar. Which means that I cannot say The Whalestone Letters are true or not. I can say that they are my favorite part of the book and judging from my interaction with the only fandom, this makes me a little unhinged. Johnny's panic attack at seeing purple ink, the back and forth on whether Pelafina attempted to strangle Johnny as a child or not, why her secret decoded message mentions Zampano, how her letters can refer to events after she died... as I said, it's a bottomless pit and the more you think about it the more insane you become. Fact is, Johnny is an interesting character and there's a lot to him and part of that IS the fact you cannot tell if he's lying and that means that if he forged his mother's letters they are his words and if he didn't she's equally compelling in her complexities. We have an unknowable psyche of someone who is both inviting us in to see the innards of his soul AND pushing us away so we can not know him, see him or judge him. It's brutally honest AND guarded. Deceptive while bearing everything. I tend to feel strongly for characters if they go through something I've been through because I get to see someone else deal with the thought processes I went through, I don't need to see myself reflected in that, just empathize with the fact they're dealing with it. A parent being put away in a mental care facility is fucking tough shit and as I saw Johnny's trauma unfold through his journals I cared more about him and wanted to understand him more.
Which brings us to the end of his portion of the narrative and his big "fuck you" to the reader. I'll admit it. Upon first reading I was hurt by Johnny's betrayal of the reader and then I realized, much in the same way HBomb's described during his analysis of Pathologic, that I knew the entire time I was reading a book and Johnny wasn't real, that by feeling betrayed and hurt by his lies it just showed I cared and that he had made me care. No character has ever violated the attachment I form with fictional characters in such a way that really made me understand how one-sided and false that connection was and it was a unique experience. Certainly one that makes me love the character, for all I know they are an unknowable wreck and I cannot ever truly understand them. House of Leaves is a mirror and it reflects everything you put into it and that's why I love it so much. The experience of reading that book is mine and mine alone. My relationship with the book and its characters is unique. It cannot be replicated. It can barely be described.
18: Puck/Owen Burnett - Gargoyles - Seems I posted without writing about Puck! Better edit it in. I LIKE FAE AND BUSINESS MAN OWEN AND I'LL EDIT THIS IN LATER I PROMISE!
5/4 edit: okay, I promised. So here's the thing about Greg Wiesman's writing. He sometimes is fixated on his internal consistency to the detriment of story. I love Gargoyles, I love Spectacular Spidey and I love Young Justice. But they are flawed works and their flaws are Greg shaped.
I love them, though, because in the 90s, only a few years after Twin Peaks brought long-form storytelling out of Soap Opera and into drama, Gargoyles had consequences and growth which at the time were not really things. Gargoyles was essentially Disney's version of the 80s TMNT cartoon and by all rights it should have been a pale imitation. With Turtles the archetypes were baked into the DNA and the growth typically came from new toys being added to the line. So my "too young to remember watching but young enough to imprint and rewatch a ton of times as an adult" mind was spellbound when Eliza is shot and takes months in universe to recover. Xanatos is imprisoned from corporate crimes and serves a 6 month sentence in show that opens the door to new plots. Brooklyn's or Lex's reaction to Demona's or Fox's betrayal inform how they treat people and situations throughout the show. Broadway's hatred of guns. Hudson's illiteracy slowly being worked on.
The show rewarded you for paying attention in a time when such things didn't exist.
So why is Owen my favorite?
Well, as stated above. We love Fae. Dawn considers herself to be Seelie and though the show is actually really bad with sourcing its folklore and mythology, famously placing the Norse pantheon under Shakespeare's interpretation of Fae lore (the lengths of "all worldwide culture is sourced to The Bard's depiction of Celtic/Gaelic folklore" is actually kind of Ancient Aliens levels of xenophobic to my adult mind), their depiction of Faerie was deeply enjoyable.
Owen is Puck. The same guy who rides on Kratos' belt in the latest God of War games. He's a trickster and a magician and the supreme master of Keyfabe. There are big damned twists that are introduced in shows that you wonder "when did they know?" And for this one I really do think it was from the start which is ambitious as heck. If not from Season 1's 13 episodes then from day one of Season 2's 50+. When Preston Vogel is introduced the similarities between Owen and Preston are apparent instantly. When Demona turns NYC into stone she binds Owen in iron and calls him "the tricky one."
It's a fair mystery in what may be the first ever kids cartoon to do long-form storytelling. It may not be easy to work out the specifics but it fits so perfectly. With most of these other characters my love comes from who they are, what they are allegories of or how I relate to them. I could have picked Demona and just had her be Proto-Catra. But Owen was the first time I was shown a character who had all the puzzle pieces for a big twist that made sense and was fair to an audience. It taught me how to tell stories and how to reward those I tell stories to. I owe him a lot for that. Plus I want to make out with him. Human or Fae form. He's hot.
Also, also, love the addition of his stone fist. The loyalty to plunge his hand into the cauldron and the continuity to just keep him with an unbreakable/unmoveable stone fist was just awesome.
19: JJ MacField - The Missing ((JJ Macfield and the Island of Missing Memories) - Beating this game made me come out the closet. I'd known I was trans for almost 20 years before playing it but when I beat it I told the support network in my life at the time that I couldn't stay in the closet any longer and began formally socially transitioning.
The Missing is about two girls going to an island. JJ and Emily. Emily tried to initiate intimacy and JJ pulled back and soured the mood, when she wakes up the next morning Emily is gone and JJ has to puzzle solve through themed areas of the island to find her. As you progress text messages fill you in on JJ's life.
So. Being honest? I thought it was a game about being a lesbian. I thought that it was about JJ coming to terms with her sexuality, even when her mother is controlling monster (literally in terms of the game) and sent her to conversion therapy. Nope. Turns out JJ is trans and I didn't see it. I didn't know.
I played the game on release day and just... didn't figure that out.
JJ is a cutie who loves donuts, she loves her stuffed plushie, she loves Emily, she loves flowing fashion. The game sadly is a nightmare from her trying to kill herself and being saved.
The thing is, though, the game's aftercare is so healing. After beating the game you have the opportunity to play the game without JJ's "idealized" dream form. You can play as socially transitioning JJ with her developmental voice, change her wig, let her experiment her look. Here's some gallery items showing the differences between first run and second run versions of JJ.
and I think it's beautiful to show her as being the same person no matter what she appears on the outside. Because she's JJ. Voice, wig, eye color and outfit do not change the fact she's a sleepy donut gremlin.
I could write more. Like how the themes of the game are the amount of pain one must endure to actualize as their true selves and how learning to live with that helps you pull yourself together and become endure more (not to fetishize suffering, but well, learning to endure pain can be virtuous if you cannot avoid it) or how the player becomes the final boss themselves and lashes out against Emily to show how her attempted suicide was a harmful act.
The thing I adore most though is that the final secret in the game, the reward for everything is photographs of JJ and Emily going clothes shopping and buying the outfit that JJ wears during the game.
Fuck that story makes me so happy. Especially from the perspective we were in when we were closeted.
As a sidenote, I own a F.K plushie and love it very much.
20: Korra - The Legend of Korra - Running low on steam but I'll be quick and say "Avatar is the story of a normal little boy finding out that he's the chosen one and having to learn how to save the world. Korra is the story of the chosen one who was raised to save the world learning to become a normal woman."
I find the latter so much more compelling than the first. Especially when season 4 spends so much time on her rehabilitation after Season 3 left her disabled. The depiction of both recovering from a severe injury and the PTSD was well handled.
Anyway. She's rad.
21: Hal "Otacon" Emmerich - Metal Gear Solid - He's the spiritual child of Dr. Strangelove and The Boss. Huey was a sperm donor and nothing more. Hal's an idiot. He's a geek. He's a hopeless romantic who makes dumb mistakes. He's also Snake's husband and Sunny's father and he saved the world. I love him.
But really the single 10 minute recording from Strangelove in MGSV where she outright explains that Hal is the true heir to The Boss' will is what elevates him. In a world of war, he is peace. Yes he's a dumb otaku who built a nuclear battle tank that could destroy the world but he truly and dearly believes in peace and spends his entire life being better and being kind and being compassionate. In time he turns from Snake's failwife to the savior of humanity.
Hal is a good father, a terrible heterosexual and a cute lil' guy.
22: Adonis "Donnie" Creed/Johnson - Creed - Gosh I wish I wrote about him when I had more in the tank but I'm 22 characters in, the end is in sight and I'm tired. The Rocky franchise is a special series of movies. We get to see the same man through 50 years and even in the first film they were talking about him being past his prime. I chose Donnie over Rocky though because Creed is my a contender for my favorite movie of all time. Ryan Coogler said about it
"[My father] used to play [the Rocky movies] before I had football games to pump me up, and he would get really emotional watching the movies. He used to watch Rocky II with his mom while she was sick and dying of cancer. She passed away when he was 18 years old. And so when he got sick he was losing his strength because he had a muscular condition. He was having trouble getting around, having trouble carrying stuff. I started thinking about this idea of my dad’s mortality. For me he was kind of like this mythical figure, my father, similar to what Rocky was for him. Going through it inspired me to make a film that told a story about his hero going through something similar to kind of motivate him and cheer him up. That’s how I came up with the idea for this movie."
"If I fight, you fight"
It's about a father being a hero, it's about being strong enough to live up to legacy, it's about passing down knowledge and inspiration from one generation to the next. Donnie is a conflicted character. On one hand he is the foster care kid who got into fights in juvie. On the other hand he is the son of world famous Apollo Creed and raised in a mansion. He is Adonis Creed and he is Donnie Johnson. Both of these are true and that conflict burns within Donnie because he burns for a father he never got to meet and connection to a world he's not part of anymore. In being rescued from his group home situation by Mary-Anne he left behind all he knew. We learn more about his childhood prior to juvie in Creed III. Point is, he's hurting to make a place for himself and prove he belongs. The armor piercing quote in the first movie is when he says "I gotta prove it - That I wasn't a mistake."
I cried when I first saw that scene and just loved him. Rocky movies are about underdogs putting their heart into what they do and overcoming the odds and winning the moral victory. Donnie isn't a perfect person. He's kind of an arrogant jerk at times, but I adore him.
The second and third movie are heavily about his growing relationship with his wife, Bianca, who is the star of her own movie that should exist too, about becoming a performing music artist while her hearing is fading. His daughter is born deaf and he has to adapt to her hearing loss. Watching Donnie learn ASL and just exist with his family is one of the highlights of the movies because though there's a brief scare in Creed II where Rocky asks if he's going to love his daughter if she's born deaf, the franchise never treats Bianca or Amara's disability as anything more than a part of who they are.
Creed movies are the best. I hope Michael B Jordan makes them as long as Stallone hung with the Rocky franchise.
23: Parker - Leverage - She was a side character who became the star of the show. Parker is brilliant. A foster kid who tangled with a brilliant gentleman thief and learned to be the best there ever was. She's autistic, she's brilliant and she's an oddball. Her relationship with Hardison was the emotional backbone of the show and throughout the entire show her need for a family is one of the threads that ties seasons together. Season 4 includes an episode where she needs to learn to dance from Hardison and he says "I've got you, I've always got you" and prepares an escape route for her at the end of the episode only for the finale to have a callback where she saves him on an elevator wire with the "I've got you". If you watch Leverage through the lens of her rising to become the new mastermind you have a 5 season show (and ongoing revival) about a girl who never fit in everywhere, prickly and defensive and unable to understand other people creating a family for herself, building a better world and being the best version of herself she can be.
Also she really hates it when people are mean to kids and I love that about her.
I love Parker. Häagen-Dazs!
24: Asuka Langley Sohru - Neon Genesis Evangelion - Why did I leave her until last? Asuka prides herself on being the best EVA pilot. She is not the best EVA pilot.
She wants Kaji, a grown man who will never be with her.
She wants her mother to have not succumb to mental illness and projected all her maternal affection onto an inanimate doll who she hung alongside herself, leaving Asuka alone in the world and so thoroughly rejected that when her mom killed herself she took the effigy of her daughter with her on the way out.
Asuka doesn't get what she wants.
Instead she gets Shinji. Someone who, while complaining the entire time about how much he hates and doesn't want to do it, is a better EVA pilot than she is. Who in End of EVA...
Well.
Y'know.
Asuka is a cautionary tale of what happens when you pin all of your personality, your reason for existing, your pride and passion onto a single thing that you do not control. It can be taken away from you and it will leave you with nothing.
Asuka needs to put others down to feel good about herself because the source of her self-esteem is in her ability to perform a task that may not always be there, that others may surpass her in. She needs to learn to create worth from within, not from external praise and validation. Shinji shares that flaw.
EVA is a show with a lot to say about isolation and connection. About drive and purpose. About the reason why we exist and what we do with our the time we're given. Hopefully through looking at the other 23 entries and seeing the themes, you'll see it's pretty clear she's just my type of character.
I love her.
BONUS
Because I didn't do all my tags, here's the remaining tags with my favorite characters:
POTO - Erik Castlevania - Alucard Umineko - Beatrice Sonic - Fleetway Super Sonic Persona - Aigis Sailor Moon - Makoto Kino/Sailor Jupiter Scott Pilgrim - Kim Pines Pathologic - Bachelor Daniil Dankovsky (the fact I do not have to justify this down here is a big reason he's not on the bingo)
#unnecessary feelings#BPD cat wife#the other guys#odds bobs#jesse is dynamite#legit snack#sunstone/sejic does not have a tag yet#domo arigato mr alderson#triple jump#damn fine show#Lady Bird is a great movie but doesn't get a tag#it's such a beautiful day is a work of art#gnu terry pratchett#spider posting#hulk posting#rooftop pizza#the word house in these tags is written in blue#demona did nothing wrong#sleepy donuts#tag bender#crisp spring morning#what a thrill#Rocky franchise doesn't get a tag#let's steal us a tag#it just keeps tumbling down tumbling down#written by all of us#cammie posting#at least towards the end#we've been working on this for over a week#gamma tag
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Disclaimer: vent:
Forever stuck between the line of "I'm bi, because I view all people with the same level of attraction. My flirting has no bounds and when I'm horny anyone near my age or older goes!" and "Do not even touch me. What? Attracted to people? Like...how? I don't get it."
Like bisexual posts appeal to me, because I am always happy to be like "wow, theoretically, I'd be so down for that!" but asexual posts don't because they always seem like "we all are the same and don't want to read about sex or experience it!"
No, actually. I mean, sex isn't high on my list of like things to do. Like, maybe like a roller coaster except less common. Like, yeah, I'd try it some day. Or if I like someone, it'd be like scuba diving or caving--I'd do it with the right person that'll make it fun. But...like...those two things.. They're like not high on my 'things to go do.'
I also love writing about sex. I love being sexualized. I appreciate kink. I just don't want to 99% of the time actually do anything. Like I enjoy archery in video games; doesn't mean I want to go do it. Sometimes when you're really feeling spirited it sounds really good, but then it passes.
And yes, I think that puts me on the asexuality spectrum more than not. I'm also pretty sure I'm more aromantic than not. But also, I like romance. I don't like seeing posts like "as an aromantic so glad for no romance in this media!"
Yes, I know. YKINMK and also, I'm an adult. Yes, I know I'm clearly not the post's audience then. But it's frustrating if a whole community is built in "we all generally believe this!" It's easier to just go "yeah, I'm bi/queer, but like not in a rush."
I know labels are just...labels. There is no set community rules or leaders. There is no right or wrong way, but there is a way people will generally see you once you label yourself. Just like with gender, once the labels come out...there's a whole lot of assumptions.
When you're labeled ace by yourself or by a community, at least in fandoms it's like "get ready to be desexualized and assumed you hate sex and everything to do with it!" Same with aromance. Like it's assumed you're going to be gagging and frothing at romance.
But I'm not. I don't really want romance. I like to humor it from time to time like alcohol. Like "oh, maybe this time I will like it!" And then I don't and I shrug, and now I have an open beer in my fridge I...might... eventually...drink...it's been 3 weeks.
Sex it's more iffy. I think it'd be fun to try, but I hope the first time it's one of those things we do, and then I can get up and leave after. I do NOT want to stay around and nor do I want to worry about clean up.
Anyway, vent over. It's just...Yes, I know there's more exact labels, but I don't really want those either. Like I said queer or bi. Enough to express you're not straight. At work my running joke is "Esposa? Novia o novio? No tengo dinero. Ella quiere dos hijos y mucha—es muy caro. No puedo."
Guys nod along and gals sigh and say I'll change my mind or if she works too it won't be that bad. It's kind of funny getting out of romance conversations by going "in this economy????"
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LETS TALK ABOUT DANGER ZONE CAN WE TALK ABOUT DANGER ZONE PLEASE IVE BEEN DYING TO TALK ABOUT DANGER ZONE ALL DAY
(cw: unreality, incineration, me yelling)
picture this. its a normal charity fundraiser stream. tgb are running an experimental sim game with two new teams, best of three. nothing is canon, everything's a dream, its fine dont worry about it.
theyre making the teams back-and-forth draft style. each team can pick two or three (?) players from the hall, but no released players.
(looking at the wiki now, the ghosts tried to get axel but couldn't. bc theyre released. they got out. because they were on the PODS and then JAYLEN--)
(...anyway.)
the other team, the tsushima ghosts (named after a video game bracket via the besties podcast happening on twitter at the time) are doing their thing, trying to grab the good players before danger zone can.
(the ghosts let the stream chat to pick four players for the team. i'm only mentioning this because york silk was one of them. because of course they were. we've been putting that guy in situations since season 2)
anyway. the danger zone were chilling too, at first, without a noticeable pattern. (people were speculating, of course, because it was the blaseball grand siesta.) like, jaxon buckley, yeah, theyre pretty good. burke gonzalez for a pitcher, sure. margarito nava, which. ohh, okay, three fire eaters. hell yeah, a team of all fire eaters kicks ass.
and then they get moody cookbook for their first hall pick. which. okay. sure.
it goes on, danger zone keeps picking up fire eaters. and its like. okay, so maybe they just wanted to have moody in there. bc they hate us.
(one notable exception to this is esme ramsey. not a fire eater, but they're haunted. okay? cool.)
then sebastian telephone gets picked.
earlier in this livestream, there was a preview for the blaseball musical that was set to come out in like. a couple of weeks i think? i forget if the title was revealed or not, but we at least knew that it was about sebastian telephone in some way. probably? yeah.
so everyone was *already* thinking about seb. about the fact that they died twice. and is still unstable. just like moody cookbook.
so there's them, then esme, and the rest are fire eaters. okay!!
to figure out which weather each game would be, each team picked two that they wanted, and the list of four was randomized. danger zone picked eclipse twice. the ghosts pick eclipse and black hole.
both games end up being eclipses. what could go wrong?
and in the first game, nothing, no eclipse triggers. IN FACT, SO MUCH NOTHING HAD HAPPENED THAT JOEL TURNED UP WEATHER EVENT PROBABILITY IN BETWEEN GAMES.
as you may guess, in game two, those weather events sure did trigger.
for one, nagomi mcdaniel went up to bat while magmatic, and FLINCHED OUT of her automatic home run. which was the first time that ever happened. and was so so deliciously mean.
also. sebastian gets incinerated. again. because they were unstable in an eclipse game, this was always going to happen, theyve been dead since the beginning, etc.
(they get replaced by a hall player, because of squiddish. something that HAPPENED ON DAY X--)
also incinerated:
moody cookbook, because how could they not be
and PUDGE NAKAMOTO. an audience pick, who got instability chained from moody's incin. lol lmao
moody and pudge get replaced by new players, like a regular game. these new guys are like. imagine coming into existence to replace fan favorite players who had died again, except not really, because it isnt real, and youre on a team that doesnt exist and will stop existing in about fifteen minutes. cool and normal
esme gets hit with unstable, which is fine. execpt they're *haunted* so everyone was like. haha okay cool!! so what happens if esme gets incined while she's haunted??? does the ghost die again?? or does esme die? hello?? where am i???
(esme also got her instability from seb dying, which. something something day x whatever its the wrong one but. wanted to mention it).
(ALSO: btw. jessica telephone is on the ghosts. which is fantastic luck for her)
i vividly remember something happening with esme' being haunted, but since its not on the wiki, im assuming i just made it up? but. it couldve happened!
bonus round of things that make me lose it:
york silk, wyatt pothos, and jessica telephone: ex-pods, playing against esme and with nagomi, and seeing seb get incined for a second time. super cool
JESSICA AND FISH SUMMER WATCHING THEIR OLD TEAM CAPTAIN GET INCINED AGAIN! WHICH I JUST REALIZED
sutton bishop and mike townsend not playing because theyre in the last rotation spot. so they just. sat there ig
jaxon buckley, first fire eater to not stop an incineration (in s10), getting to deal with that again. :)
anyway, the game ends, danger zone wins, in part because of the brilliant idea of unstable fire eaters getting free home runs. the third game doesnt happen because of time.
everything is fine and cool and normal forever because it was alllll a dream. the end.
vote danger zone <3
⚠️ The Danger Zone ("It's our Middle Name.")
ORIGIN: BlaseballCares Showdown
LINKS: wiki
❌ Inter Xpresso ("We've got a Shot!")
ORIGIN: Coffee Cup
LINKS: wiki / Coffee Cup on Before
#this isnt even propaganda im just deranged about danger zone#sorry i hope this is. even vaguely readable. i had caffeine earlier and felt like rambling#all caps#id in alt text#blaseball#also saying all this i cannot wait to see them get bodied by the legends next round. lol lmao
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