#EVEN THOUGH IT WILL BE COLD AND LONELY
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I need them to stop doing this btw ππππ
#β my nonsense#I CAN'T#ENOUGH. IM NOT STRONG TO HANDLE THIS#TWICE! THIS IS THE SECOND TIME THAT THEY ARE DOOMED BY FATE#first godheim Clarence. forever stuck and lost in the eternal darkness where the concept of time didn't exist#the only companian is the memories of her warm hand#NOW THIS#FOREVER STUCK IN THE CYCLE OF DESTRUCTION WHERE HE WILL KEEP WATCHING THE WORLD THAT HE LOVE REBORN. DESTROY. REBORN. DESTROY#and he still can't be with her πππ#AND BOTH OF THEM SAW MC VARIOUS POSSIBLE FUTURE AND PRIORITIES MC'S FUTURE#EVEN THOUGH IT WILL BE COLD AND LONELY#Lovebrush chronicles#Lovebrush chronicles Clarence#clarence clayden
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Older Pines twins ft. some headcanons! They're like 16-17 here
This show has consumed my brain ππ
#posting here instead of my alt because even though i have more followers there it just feels so lonely and cold#all my friends are over on this account <3#gravity falls#gravity falls fanart#dipper pines#mabel pines#trans dipper pines#my art#gaylight post#im not projecting on dipper at all wdym#pines twins#mystery twins
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#the anthem of lonely people#no will to live#who have a jovial spirit#drunk every night on grocery store red wine#smoking back to back cigarettes#who just want to dance#and feel the glow of existence#but all they know is the cold of sorrow#but still they dance and emanate warmth to the world somehow#even though they can never feel it themselves#heavily medicated but surviving#falling asleep dreaming of better things that they can never have#and gently weeping to sleep and wake up to face the cruel world they cant stand#and somehow#they still manage to smile from the heart#suicide is not so simple#suffering not so black and white#but no one will understand#the infinite density of hopelessness
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life is pretty much about learning to love your solitude and making the most of it huh?
#i was driving from Walmart when i noticed a white suv alone in the parking space at Wendy's and there was an elderly lady eating on her own#and it just hit me that life is lonely sometimes#i got a little sad at first but then i thought maybe she just got a craving or maybe even though she is alone in that moment#she has a family and friends that loves her#or maybe she's okay with living this life of solitude and is making the most of it#idk#i guess i've been more aware of people being on their own#it got me wondering: do people who have families partners kids ever still feel lonely and sad?#i wonder if i ever find a partner and if we ever have kids.. will i still be unable to shake off this loneliness and sadness in me?#maybe?#but even then#i always try to BREATH and smile at life#i have this opportunity of making the most of it and do my best#what more can as of than that? a chance.#ππππ#sigh#oh well#this was just a little existential feeling i had this morning#i am stressed out with finals this week but i submitted my essay last night (ππ½ woohoo) and i am going to make myself some mean fish tacos#for dinner.#but before that i am going to enjoy a nice cold weather walk at the park#and finish my day watching cheesy low budget random romantic movies#all is well#πππ#personal#oh and i have a job interview tomorrow so sighhhhhhhhhh
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man. I can't believe people like. fall in love lol
#remembered that it has been [redacted] years since ive dated or slept with anyone or had romantic feelings for someone at all#and im wondering if i will ever feel that way about anyone ever again lol#my heart is cold and dark and hard even though i am a romantic deep down.#i WANT to be in love with someone so bad but i have uh. a bad record and also i never meet new people#and let me tell you. there are not a lot of single gay girls in my age range here. theyre all like 19. no thank you.#NOT TO MENTION i am fucked in the head and honestly kind of not built for a relationship anyway#like i have war flashbacks thinking about how truly insane and flat out psychotic i became during breakups#but that's beside the point lol#the point is that i really cant imagine a future for myself where anyone will ever love me. lol.#i think i will be trapped in my lonely purple bedroom with this mismatched furniture and this finicky lamp all by myself until i die#and you know. it's whatever. most of the time i dont even care
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Connection is the cure to loneliness probably but its a two way street. It's not enough to feel 100% safe with somebody and to be able to speak truthfully to them, they have to reciprocate. They have to match your trust and openness with their own.
#and this is what im missing from my own relationship#ive never been so honest and vulnerable with anybody but i still feel lonely#im always facing their cold shoulder when its time for them to open up to me#its so unfair it could be everything i have ever wanted but its not. its not working out the way i thought it would#and even though we share a room i feel the same loneliness i have always felt
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my 'ive given up on life but i cant live off maple syrup marshmallows and peanut butter sandwhiches i need to get groceries' outfit. for some reason it looks like i took this in daylight but its dark as night outside despite only been 6 and its the most depressing thing i should have gotten groceries in the sunlight ugh hindsight.
#journal shit#see here's the thing and its a thing specific to LA.#all my friends here need two weeks of notice to plan anything because everyone is so damn busy#so me keeping this entire weekend free under the assumption that we would do something was big for me lmao haha im so dumb#like i knew i wouldnt have time to see him during the conference and i planned no volunteering this weekend to make up for it#he must have known in advance he was gonna do this or had some hint??? a text message that cold is not a sudden decision#meanwhile i was still daydreaming about airplane museum trips and bringing him to the rest of my favorite running spots and blah blah blah#i got blindsided and i get to be the one stuck without plans#i guess you cant really give two weeks notice for the Hey This Isnt Working Out text though lollllll#im not mad at him i dont even really blame him that much im just lonely
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#oh google. how do i fight the Melancholic Aches#y'know i'd nearly forgotten it was fall#until i got sick. n it was actually cold for about two or three days in a row sdkfjghfdg#n i dunno#something something your body remembers things before you do#n it feels. like if emotions were waves and i were standing at the shore. the waves were calm up till now n#now it feels like i was pulled in out of nowhere and my lungs are full of saltwater and it's sloshing around my heart and weighing it down#it's always this time of year#is that like a universal thing? or is it just coincidence#it's like this every year. (i mourn the previous) and just generally get caught up missing things#and then you couple that with all the other given circumstances and how *lonely* it's been lately. i mean how Really. lonely it's been#because like. the years up til now (i thought) were manageable. like 2020-2022#(even though shit kind of hit the fan anyways. dfkjhfdgh. it's at least a little easier with people you love around. and it's at least a li#easier when you think they'll stay)#n now i'm just a lil lost and scared. and tired and i ache. and i am just a little sad#...#i try to make the best of things nowadays but it's just a bit much today n that's okay. there's always tomorrow#m'gonna go make some tea#sap says#i've been thinking of making a separate blog for poems and thoughts but quite frankly i can't be bothered rn. skdjfhgf#maybe sometime though
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#delete later#i wish things weren't looking so grim right now in my home#but after the things said yesterday i can't get it out of my head#mother is shutting down again and keeps flipping between sweet as sugar and cold as ice#*again*#I can barely get in contact with my best friend anymore since he got his girlfriend (not surprising) and now#it feels extra lonely even though I had just seen 3/5 of my friends yesterday#I'm hoping work is okay tomorrow#i miss my medication
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Yandere! House Monster x Reader
Listen, I woke up in cold sweat at 4am with a vision: you and your stereotypically unavailable gamer boyfriend have moved into a new house. You find out very soon it's not as empty as you had assumed, but your worries fall on deaf ears. The tentacle monster lurking in dark corners just wants to make sure you're not lonely.
[Second Part]
Content: gender neutral reader, monster romance (mildly NSFW)
You didn't notice anything strange at first. Maybe it was considering its prey. You'd found a cheap, old house available for rent, and your boyfriend couldn't refuse the extra space for his mancave.
Oh, you poor thing. It watched your lonely evenings, your empty bed at night, your futile attempts to spend more time with your beloved partner. It had originally planned to devour your souls and await the next foolish mortals to enter its realm, but seeing your pitiful state prompted a change of heart. Metaphorical heart, of course.
It started gradually: testing the waters, or what you'd call a courting attempt. Doors opening by themselves, disembodied eyes lovingly gazing at you from the nearby walls. Dark tendrils making their way out of the shadows, just to announce its presence.
"I think this place might be cursed", you told your boyfriend one evening. "I've been stalked by amorphous silhouettes of blight and terror, and they whisper ancient blasphemies to me at night." He let out a worried shout and slapped the desk. "That's cool, babe. I'm kind of losing right now, though, so perhaps give me a minute?"
One night you were awakened from your slumber by a warm touch sliding across your body. You smiled into your pillow as the cheeky hands made their way down, fondling your curves and hungrily searching for your sensitive areas. You let out a soft moan, enjoying the moment, until you heard your boyfriend yell from the other room. Your eyes shot open.
The hands lewdly groping your privates were, in fact, tentacles. Your first reaction was to gasp, but you were quickly silenced by another slippery appendage pressing against your lips. Shh, shh. Allow the creature to do its thing, dear. Surely enough, within minutes you were a drooling mess, holding onto the sheets for dear life.
"You've been in a good mood lately", you boyfriend remarks, idly scrolling on his phone and crunching on his breakfast cereal. You ponder if you should tell him you've been fucked relentlessly by a monstrous creature inhabiting your new home. You glance at the counter and smirk, remembering how you just had to wipe your wet mess from it a few hours ago. "Keep it that way, hun, I could get used to not being pestered every hour", the man jokes with a laugh.
Does it count as cheating if your affair partner isn't really human? Although, you have to wonder if you're still dating to begin with. From the corner of your eye, you can discern faint movement above the young man, a shadow looming menacingly. The eldritch monster would not hesitate to tear your poor boyfriend apart if he tried to mess with its belonging.
#yandere#yandere x reader#yandere x darling#yandere x you#yandere monster#yandere monster x reader#yandere headcanons#yandere scenarios#yandere imagines#monster x reader#monster x human#monster boyfriend#tentacle monster#monster smut#terato#teratophillia#monster fucker
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#so im at my familys house#and im just sort of like okay i actually miss them so much#and like#idk !#for a long time is was kinda rough and i was seen as a failure and like i wasnt able to communicate at all#but like now im here and my aunt is like#we are so happy you are here and we need to do this more often#and i fully want to do it more often#for so long it felt like my family has completed abandoned me#some of them actually did lol but idk im older now and actually able to talk to them#it feels different#it feels like i want to be here#i will say some stuff is definitely coming up. Like earlier i started to feel some trauma feelings#the worst one i feel tbh#but like i just took a second and sat down and breathed#and it seemed like it passed ??#i definitely still feel weird and like i am on drugs even though i am stone cold sober right now#but i just am happy that i can be here with them right now#i wish my sister was here also#i miss her very much#but she heard who was coming this weekend and was like absolutely not lmao#i also talked to my family also about how i dont love my living situation right now#and they are all like please move near us#i dont know if thats an actual thing that i would for sure want right now#because one ive found a therapist finally that i ahsolutely adore and shes keeping me going lol#also even though im struggling to live where i live now#because of the 1 million events that have happened there and that have left me totally alone#i remembering loving where i live now#i remember thinking it was the only place on earth that i wanted to live#but without my best friends these days it just feels pretty isolating and lonely
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At the moment you want...
to be seen
it is so, so loud. everyone around you is talking, crowded together. despite how loud it is, you cannot hear them, even when they talk to you. you try to talk to them, but you can't hear their responses. you take this as no response at all. it feels lonely, and dark, despite you all sitting in the sun together, and everyone's having a great time except you. you keep trying to get their attention, and when you do, it never feels like enough. you can't keep doing more. it's tiring. you see yourself floating in space, it's cold, and dark. they're still down on earth, laughing, so loud. you desire to be seen right now. you feel unappreciated, you feel left out.
tagged by: stole it :> tagging: steal it :>
#James: I am in this photo and I don't like it#this is very accurate ngl#james is a very lonely sort of man#he tries to be kind and make connections have friends maybe a boyfriend in the future but yet he is so very alone and lonely#he doesn't think he's made for love or to be loved#even when surrounded by people he feels so alone...it's a very cold feeling#he doesn't feel like he belongs anywhere so he just keeps his head down and keeps working with a smile that doesn't ever reach his eyes#though usually he just doesn't smile at all since he has no reason to
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sometimes the notes app ain't it, u have to do vent posts where no one will see it
#im just upset feeling like chopped liver bc no one cares about MY shit#but then feeling bad about feeling upset because i can be kind of a cold bitch and i care about THEIR shit but maybe they dont know it#or its not enough or something#it's just the last few times ive needed help or sympathy i havent gotten it#i never used to ask and now when im trying to speak up no one listens. and so i kinda just wonder is it me or them#do i not know how to ask right or was i really justified in not asking out of fear i would find out there wouldn't be help for me?#lets therapy it up i feel: lonely. snubbed. unwanted. hurt. angry. ashamed. like im underwhelming to everyone and unwanted even when i try#when i try to do the things that people say they want in a friend and not the things people say are offputting. am i just that unlikable?#well from a vent post im not doing myself any credits#but. i am trying. so it hurts to fail; which was the whole point of withdrawing and avoiding failure this whole time#thinking about my boss saying 'i was stressed watching you but i never have to be worried you won't succeed on your own'#or my dad dismissing my asking him to drive to me during the worst week ever because I'm physically capable of doing it myself#even though he's done it for my sister multiple times just bc she asked#about being ignored by half my family last weekend when i was barely skirting having a panic attack#about my qpp shutting me down when i wanted to vent about that. i know they have their own problems but still#about soothing my sister's meltdown the next day AND cleaning her kitchen for company AND cooking dinner for said company#with hardly an acknowledgement#about always being the fifth wheel at immediate family stuff these days when my immediate family has always been so important to me#I'm so sick of keeping my secrets and setting aside my own needs and getting quieter and more distant until i just break away unnoticed(?)#i dont want to do that anymore and I'm trying to speak up and Be A Goddamn Person who embarrassingly has human needs#but how on earth am i managing to do it wrong
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I always think my seasonal depression is worse in summer but then fall starts
#me talking#i love october and cold weather. but it just gets worryingly hard to feel okay#and i just feel lonely#the past year and a half#even though i still have friends. i just feel lonely and i dunno why
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πππ ππππππππ πππ
:ΰ°Β¨ β± ππππππππππ : kyojuro rengoku, tengen uzui & wives, poly obamitsu, tanjiro kamado, inosuke hashibira, zenitsu agatsuma.
:ΰ°Β¨ β± πππππππ ππππππππ : sfw, gn!reader, big spoon coded reader cus i said so, wholesome fluff, cuddling n snuggling, polyamory (tengen & obamitsu's parts), kamaboko trio aged up as per usual.
πππππππ πππππππ
β A teddy bear in the shape of a man and enthusiastic to be used as one! As a Hashira, Kyojuro is often kept away for days and weeks at a time, so he makes the most of every moment you spend together.
β Kyojuro's not happy unless he's got his arms full of his favorite person, so you can expect him to seek you out the moment he arrives home.
β If youβre a civilian and he finds you in the kitchen, heβll drape himself over you from behind, nuzzling his face into your neck and lavishing it with smiling kisses, rugged hands settling on your hips.
β Kyojuro wants to be cuddled to sleep and truly canβt bear to be parted from you, no matter how swelteringly hot it gets in the summer months. And if he has obligations, he tries to wake up a little early so he can have a few minutes of cuddle time with you before heβs whisked away. You donβt even have to be awake for it, he just wants to hold you for a little while <3
β He started out as a big spoon but converted into a little spoon when he discovered what it felt like to be properly held. Heβs no more content than he is when heβs got his back pressed to your chest and youβve curled yourself around his broad frame.Β
β He likes it best when you rub his belly when his eyes are too big for his stomach, always easing a bit of the discomfort <3
β Kyojuro is comfy to lay on, with two perfect pillows for you to rest your head on (his pecs <3). His muscles are quite soft when relaxed, and the way his heart stutters when your cheek rests on it is so cute.
β Kyojuro feels safe in your presence so heβs very prone to falling asleep on your shoulder or with his head in your lap. With his workload and inconsistent sleep schedule, heβs often a cuddle session away from nodding off. Particularly so when you start playing with his flaxen hair, itβs like his off-switch π€
β Heβs a bit of an oversized lapdog andβll climb into your lap every chance he gets. As far as heβs concerned, thatβs his seat. It looks funny to outsiders if heβs bigger than you, but he hardly cares, all too eager to get all comfy in your lap and tell you about his day.
ππππππ ππππ & πππππ
β Big, tough man too cool to cuddle? No sir. Tengen is a touchy lover and raises a brow when you try to sit anywhere other than his lap, like why aren't you in your assigned seat? π€¨
β Pulls you flush against his side every chance he gets, wrapping a heavy arm around your shoulders. You often get a companion wet kiss to the cheek to boot just to see you scrunch your face up and wipe his spit off your cheek >:(
β His wives are just like himβ Suma especially who practically hangs off of you with those big doe eyes, clinging onto your arm during outings as a group. Between Tengen and Suma, your hands will never be lonely and you'll certainly never be cold. Those two are space heaters and can't keep their hands off their partners to save their lives.
β Makio is easily flustered by affection but ultimately craves it, even if getting her to admit it is like pulling teeth. A hopeless romantic at heart <3 Sheβs a big spoon and overheats easily, so she prefers to linger on the edges of the cuddle piles. Sheβll smack your thigh if you move around too much with an annoyed grumble. She can be such a meanie sometimes π
β Hinatsuru doesnβt mind holding or being held, she just wants to be close to you. Though generally more soft-spoken than Makio, Tengen, and Suma, her affectionate touch translates her love for her partners so clearly. Often rubs soothing circles over your back, rests a comforting hand on your arm, and pets your hair while you cuddle.
β Tengen likes to talk when you cuddle, prattling on about his or your day while rubbing your side or back mindlessly. Most times, he talks you to sleep or vice versa, considering what a busy guy he is before retirement. Sometimes youβll get caught up in deep conversations about your past lives, silly theories, or ping-pong flirtatious banter until you can barely keep your eyes open.
β Tengen likes it most when you and the wives crawl right on top of him, all to eager to be living furniture for his beautiful spouses while you all gossip and giggle to each other.
ππππππ πππππ & πππππππ πππππππ
β Dare I say the clingiest partners ever?
β Obanai hesitates where as Mitsuri openly throws herself into your arms at every opportunity. Just be patient and take things slow and he'll follow Mitsuri's example. Itβs a subtle shift, maybe he leans his head on your shoulder to test the waters, unable to meet your eyes. He melts if you wrap an arm around his shoulders and rub his arm, eyelids drooping as he relaxes further against you.
β Mitsuri is a cuddle bug in every sense of the word, like a tiny, purring kitty rubbing its body against your legs when you come near. You swear she chirps like one too, especially when her affections are met with a head pat or tender kiss.
β Obanai wonβt say it, but he likes it when heβs in the middle, tucked safely between his two favorite people. The three of you spend many long hours this way, just relaxing in each other's embrace before your obligations call you away from the cuddle puddleβ with no shortage of complaints from your lovers (Obanaiβs longing wistful look as you go is just as painful as Mitsuriβs whines)
β Their clinginess only worsens as your relationship progresses, Iβm afraid π Obanai has a death grip comparable to a boa constrictor, especially when heβs in a deep sleep.
β I have a vivid image in my mind of Mitsuri having to use her insane strength to pry his arms off of you and scooch herself in your place so you can pee in the middle of the night, barely able to stifle her giggles. (Obanai is very much this meme)
πππππππ ππππππ
β Touch starved but doesnβt know it, and is also unintentionally touchy. Until he isnβt. Until his touches seem all too intentional, never without meaning.
β Cuddling with you is one of his favorite activities and heβll even schedule official cuddle time if you let him, so you never go without the comfort of one anotherβs arms for long. Heβll even decline plans if itβs the wrong time of dayβ¦
βSorry, Iβd love to, but itβs almost four and I always cuddle with my partner around that time.β
β And no itβs not negotiable. What if he was late, or missed it and hurt your feelings? No no, heβs far too considerate for that.
β Besides, he misses cuddle time the most when heβs out in the field, miles away from your warm embrace. You can tell heβs missing you in the letters he sends home, commenting about how it β sure is cold out here,β though the longer he goes without the less subtle he is, rephrasing how he misses you in every paragraph. Can you really blame him? He truly adores you so itβs hard to be away from you :((
β Prefers to be the little spoon but ultimately will be happy no matter how youβre cuddling.Β (I expand on little spoon Tanjiro in this post <3)
πππππππ πππππππππ
β Instinctually touchy and yet so unused to cuddling. Inosuke doesnβt know much about positive affectionate touch so he tends to squirm out of hugs and gets a little anxious when you hold him still too long, much like a dog would. He asks you what youβre doing, voice a little softer than normal, cheeks a little pink beneath his mask.
βCuddling you?β you reply, equally confused by his reaction as he is to your affection.Β βWell stop it. It feels weird,β he huffs, and you comply, albeit a bit disheartened. You canβt help but be curious about his rejection, so you push past the sudden awkwardness of the moment to inquire about it. βFeels weird how?β βI donβt know! It just does!β he snaps defensively, a little frustrated, an emotion you canβt help but mirror. But then you relax, reminding yourself to be understanding. It must show on your face though, because he follows you around until heβs sure you arenβt mad at him. Your understanding nature is something heβs still getting used to as well.
β Take it slow with him if you can help it, form positive associations with touch, and then try again another time and heβll be more receptive <3 REALLY receptive after a while, like before you know it youβve got a stage 10 clinger on your hands πΒ
β Especially if you start sleeping together, cus he likes to cover you with his whole body as his way of protecting you while youβre in a vulnerable state.
β However, he will get bitchy if he catches you taking naps without him there to cuddle up to you. Like just say you donβt love him π Youβll wonder why heβs giving you dirty looks and the cold shoulder all day, yeah itβs cus you didnβt immediately come find him to nap. Traitor.
β He associates cuddling with sleep so heβs prone to nodding off, and if you guide his head to rest on your chest and massage his scalp? Heβs dead to the world, snoring and everything.
πππππππ ππππππππ
β You cannot pry this man off of you and I mean it. He was clinging to you before you were even an item, often to your leg, your kimono, your hand, wherever he can reach. If you reciprocate once, heβll keep coming back for more of it. So touch starved itβs pitiable, and heβs smart enough to know that looking pathetic earns him sympathy.
β That said, heβs taken aback if you initiate cuddling, almost unable to fathom being desired. Itβs only then that he gets a little shy, chuckling nervously as you take him into your arms. Doesnβt know what to do with himself.
β Zenitsu isnβt picky about how you cuddle, just that youβre touching in every way possible. Tangles his legs with yours, wriggles as close as humanly possible, and holds your clothing in an iron grip.
β Oftentimes he looks so blissed out when heβs wrapped up in your embrace, eyes half-lidded or drooping with sudden sleepiness. Youβre just so comfortable, and comforting, and beautiful and aaaa before he knows it heβs muttering all these things to you.
You awaken slowly to a considerable weight on your chest, squinting with your eyes closed you feel around blindly and find the familiar shape of your husband sprawled out on top of you. You sigh, recognizing his snores and a smile tugs at your lips despite it being tough to breathe. Your palm rests on his back, bunching in the thick fabric of his hoari. Your eyes finally crack open, the morning light illuminating your fully-dressed partner. Mustβve been a long night, you mused to yourself, able to picture a half-asleep Zenitsu stumbling into bed so clearly in your mind. Though even his unconscious alter-ego tended to seek you out. You turn, shifting Zenitsu onto his side. He stirs, but only slightly, immediately tucking his head under your chin with a grunt. βDonβt go,β he murmurs in his sleep, most likely to a dream version of you and a fondness warms your chest. βStay.β
#β§βπ¦ΛβΉ ashi writes#kny x reader#demon slayer x reader#kyojuro rengoku x reader#rengoku kyojuro x reader#kyoujurou rengoku x reader#obanai iguro x reader#mitsuri kanroji x reader#tengen uzui x reader#obamitsu x reader#obanai x reader x mitsuri#tanjiro kamado x reader#inosuke hashibira x reader#zenitsu agatsuma x reader#kimetsu no yaiba x reader#gn!reader#gender neutral reader
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at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"
like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.
"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."
... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.
and i'd still keep writing.
i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.
i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley
"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"
and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.
it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.
you create because you're greedy.
#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME#there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing#and the writing is what i need to be doing#writeblr#this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to#edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol#i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!!#my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means#i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her)#hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong#i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet.#i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse#i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!!#i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO#i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness#and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it#im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us#i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer#and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art.#i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work#even if it means being miserable#but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.
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