#Deficit Yearnings

[abysstrap-ran]

❖ Deficit Yearnings Ch.2

(Viktor x Mage!Reader)

A/N: Disclaimer that I truly have no idea what I'm doing bc this is a very old draft and I'm 3x more rusty with writing than when I started this, so take it as you will. Might... draw up some hcs or some sort though. Arcane is eating my brain.

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ∘◦ ✥ ◦∘ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

“Firelights; so vibrantly green. The colour of Vitality, a symbol of hope.”

Of all things that would be Viktor’s perpetual undoing, of course it had to be something out of the realm of the science he was so familiar with. What were his attempts at a second chance at life, if not nought but futile?

The exalted fumes of the mines… The invisible scars it left. The corrosion within that spread, silently, deadly; until it was all too late.

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ∘◦ ✥ ◦∘ ━━━━━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

It had been a long day, and rough was a severe understatement for the week. Weeks, to be precise.

Their new project had literally run them through the wringer and from the looks of it… It would probably take them about a couple more weeks at best to figure out. 

Sure, the spare parts he’d gotten from his last errand run down to the Undercity did turn out to be the exact breakthrough that they’d been seeking, but it had also brought along with it a whole other slew of problems. Ones that they had to fix before they could even produce something worthy of calling a prototype. A prototype that would gain them the council's favor, or any bigshot out there who could help fund their ventures. 

Or, maybe attend a fundraiser party or two.

Viktor grimaced at the thought. 

No, definitely not parties. He hated those. Although Jayce would gladly beg to differ… Probably. 

Jayce was more often than not the more socially inclined of the duo, and loathe as he may be, Viktor had to admit that he would much rather be in the lab than greet others with pleasantries and a forced smile.

His conflicting thoughts must have reflected plain as day on his face, because Jayce had taken one look at him, hunkered down from his incessant pacing, and promptly fixed him with an inscrutable look.

Running a hand over his face, Jayce gestured at the mess of papers before them — heaps and piles of blueprints, theories, research papers and folios of all kinds laid spread out upon their shared workspace. 

“I think we should call it a day, Viktor.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“We’ve been at it for a week now, and we both know we need a break. When was the last time we really had a good night's sleep? And… the numbers of all the calculations we've been bickering about left and right are honestly starting to blur.”

Viktor had been affronted by his blatant dismissal at first, but that irritation soon disappeared upon seeing Jayce rub his tired eyes. Jayce was right. An exhausted mind would do them no favors.

Last he checked, he’d thought that it was a Tuesday, but a quick glance down at the calendar to the right told him otherwise. 

It was Friday, and it was already way past sundown, judging from the inky darkness outside.

“Alright. We’ll come back to this tomorrow.” 

And that had been the end of it. A right shower and a good night's rest today, and he'll be right as rain and ready to take on their not-so-little tech problem!

Or so, he thought; only for a niggling itch that had been at the back of his throat the entire week to make itself known just as he settled down to sleep in his academy-funded apartment. This time, with a vengeance. 

He sat back up with a faint grumble, lean fingers moving in ever-familiar motions in an attempt to soothe the irritation away. Like a worm, stubborn and persistent, it wiggled its way out of his throat into a rasping cough. 

Perhaps some warm sweet milk would be enough to soothe him to sleep — but wait, he’d bought herbal leaves for tea, hadn’t he?

Reluctantly drawing himself out of the warm comforts of the covers, he padded to the kitchen for a drink.

Viktor reached into the once-forgotten bag he’d gotten from the apothecary, feeling around for the bottled herb, only for his fingers to brush against the cool surface of not one vial, but two. 

Two?

His brow furrowed as he withdrew the vials out of the bag, setting it onto the counter with a faint clink. He was pretty sure he hadn't paid for this, which meant that the owner had thrown that in with his purchase free of charge.

There it sat, innocuously, along with its attached note, the ink glinting under the light of his kitchen. It was a small bottle of harmless-looking white salve.

‘Balm for your aches’ was written in a simple script. 

For… his aches? Viktor’s brow furrowed. Was his discomfort that obvious that even a stranger could pick up on it?

It wasn’t every day that someone received a handout free of charge; especially not in the Undercity. Which then begged the question — had you done it out of goodwill? Or… was it to curry a favor that you'd undoubtedly collect on someday? He still recalled how you’d thought of him as a topsider, which meant that you probably had some “merit” to gain from him.

Whichever the case, he supposed he'd find out eventually. Setting the balm aside, he picked up the vial of leaves he'd previously purchased, and went on to make the cup of tea that he'd been seeking.

A few minutes later saw him settled back under the covers, a steaming mug in hand. 

The warm liquid soothed his scratchy throat as he sipped from it, the leafy concoction quelling the itch that seemed to have permanently made its home there more often than not.  He watched the way the wispy steam rose and disappeared while the gears in his head turned, mulling over what could have gone wrong with their newest project. Opening his notebook, he revised the calculations and formulas they'd previously been bickering over. 

Had they miscalculated? No, he'd personally checked them multiple times over, and they were tried and true. A missing gear, perhaps? Or… were they perhaps taking the wrong approach to their problem? 

As the cogs turned, so did the onset of the accumulated exhaustion over the past few days. Warm, and no longer plagued by an ever-persistent cough, a comfortable fog settled over his brain, and he set his cup aside. The night was serene, and the muted sounds of the city of progress slowly but surely lulled him to rest.

He’d leave tomorrow’s problems for tomorrow.

⊹ ━━━ ✥ ━━━ ⊹

Meanwhile, down in the Undercity.  Your end of the night found you in the midst of your workspace, surrounded by jars and containers alike. Some filled, some empty, and some of which were cooling off on a rack after you'd filled them with a new brew. 

This wasn’t your shopfront, no. But rather, a separate room from what was usually known as the “apothecary” to most.

You’d never thought to name the place, really. So it didn’t really matter what the general populace had taken to calling your little establishment. And considering the dingy sign that named it so and the overall run-down state of the place… Yeah, maybe you’d have to rethink refurbishing the place once you have the funds to spare.

And speaking of funds… You inaudibly sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose. That was exactly why you were back here, in the backrooms of your shop, cooking up vials of product that had to be otherwise dealt with only in under-the-table deals.

Your client paid quite a hefty sum for these concoctions, which was why you had agreed to be their supplier whenever they came knocking. Thankfully, those orders didn’t come often, but since each one was different from the last, they were time-consuming to fulfill. Your only saving grace was that your client was the one graciously providing the resources required. And while this time’s request wasn’t complicated by any means, it was proving to be quite a headache. 

Checking the temperature of the fire beneath a bubbling pot, you reached over to a flowering pot by the table, plucking a few leaves from the plant before adding them to the boiling liquid before you. It frothed a little as you stirred, before producing a puff of viscous smoke that you were sure wasn’t supposed to happen. It gave an ominous gurgle before the liquid lurched, threatening to overflow from the confines of its medium. With a startled yelp, you quickly cut the fire and backed a good distance away from it in case it just so happened to be explosive. 

…Not that it hasn’t happened before. You wince, recalling how you had to close down your establishment a couple of jobs ago for a good month or two while the repairs were being made. That had cut you back a few months on rent, something you didn’t want a repeat of, thank you very much.

Once the pot showed no signs of imminent explosion, you cautiously withdrew the ladle and squinted at the notes you’d hastily scribbled off to the side. Picking up the pen lying by the side, you quickly scratched off a few points you made and tacked on another short paragraph beneath it.

“This combination doesn’t work… Wait, oh. Oh dear.” 

It was then that you noticed that your ladle had been reduced to a stick, with the spoon part of it having been completely dissolved. Whatever had been bubbling in there had eaten right through the wooden ladle.

You made a thoughtful hum before recording your new findings onto a new sheet of paper in detail, only to be snapped out of your reverie when a small knock sounded on the door connected to the shop. 

A familiar soot-covered face with mousy hair popped in shortly after, bearing a grin with one too many broken teeth and a cheery chime of “Heya, boss! Knew I'd find ya back here!”

You raised your head from the corner of the room you were working in and waved at the door. “Hey, lil’ mouse! You're not supposed to be here, but I'm almost done. Could you wait back out there for me?”

You got an equally chipper “okaay!” in response before the door closed once more. 

Rolling up your sleeves, you got to work bottling your unfortunate mishap-in-a-caldron. This time, using a metal ladle.

The result might have been a far cry from what you'd originally been aiming to create, but whatever by-product you'd created in the process, you're sure that it'll either come to be of use someday. Or… someone, somewhere, might pay the right price for it in the Lanes. 

That being said, however, you'd have to put it away for further perusal. You had no idea what this concoction was, other than the fact that it was strong enough to eat through wood, but that could wait. After all, there was a customer waiting for you back in the shop!

Sealing the last vial with a pop and stashing them all away, you then exited the room, stepping back into the thresholds of your shop. 

You slide the door curtains back over the door to the room out back before turning to greet the child that had come knocking, here to collect her usual package of medicine.

“You’re here pretty late, mouse. Did something happen?” You asked as you opened a drawer to retrieve the package that you'd previously set aside for her.

Mouse shrugged. “Went scavenging. Took longer than we thought to get back up to ground. Y’know, with what it’s like down there...”

Drawing down to her height, you handed it to her with a smile before seeing her off with a pat on the head. “You’re lucky I'm still here then. Here’s your package.”

You gave her a small wave as she exited the shop before turning back and returning to the room that housed your workspace and a few sparse pots of plants.

Rolling your sleeves up, you got back to work. Your client wanted a strong paralytic agent with an extra kick, and that's what he'll get. You just have to find a way to deliver within the week. Scratching your head, you went back to consult your notes, figuring that this would take a while.

 ❖☆————— ⊹ Deficit Yearnings ⊹ —————★❖

Previous Part: (Chapter 1) Next Part: (Chapter 3)

[ahfuck-why]

for this year here are all the things id like to do:

commit arson

be cuddled to sleep

learn to make molotov cocktails

not to let body dysmorphia win and actually wear the clothes i have

get another tattoo

not chop off hair at the drop of a hat

get over current hyperfixtation

get a new cooler hyperfixation

dear lord NOT fall back into x-men hyperfixation

commit identity theft

fake date

lay down on the ground while it rains

smoke grass and study

let out air off of at least THREE separate car tyres

learn to do the asian squat properly come ON

kiss at least 10 people, lets double the number yo

buy cute lingerie

threaten someone via letter

bring inner desi aesthetic outside

tell an evil old woman to fuck off

make out with a pretty girl

get in touch with the 16 yo punk inside me

i just hope that if this year is gonna hurt it finishes the job and fucking kills me dead unlike the last one; i hate bed rest

[wysteriadelights]

Happy to announce that rewatching Kung Fu Panda 2 has reminded me why my Mommy Issues far outweighs my Daddy Issues

Also yk. Kung Fu Panda 2 is peak and I sob like a little bitch every single time

[nautls11]

ok but hear me out: riptide x slay the princess (big ol yap sesh and closeups below)

Chip: The Spectre

109, obviously, but also the spectre’s yearning for what once was, wanting back her “freedom” of the life she had before. The parallels between the spectre’s longing and Chip’s longing for his life with the Black Rose Pirates work so well together. Another factor is how Chip needed to learn that he was not alone anymore. He had a crew, friends, captains, siblings. Through his ups and downs, he learned respect, trust, honor, and responsibility; he learned to love again with a fiery passion he had not felt since he sailed alongside Arlin.

“I offer you absolution, and you take my hand in yours.

You felt the pain you caused another, and you were willing to sacrifice everything you thought was you to set me free.

Without sin, there is no redemption.”

“This one is vaporous. She is a dream of a life she could never have, but that longing has given her so much capacity for Kindness. She will make for a yearning heart.

Do not mourn her — she will finally be able to hold What she never knew.”

Jay: The Cage

I was heavily debating between Jay and Gill for this one, but the Cage’s final confrontation is what sold Jay for me. Her constant fear of abandoning her blood family because she has already lost so much (her sister, and soon her mother), that abandoning the last shred of family she has left would be losing everything. It is her inaction which drives much of her conflict, balancing the line between Ferin and pirate, because no matter which side she turns to, she is always afraid, because she always has something to lose. There are times where she feels like she can only watch from afar and see what will happen (especially in the case of lizzie’s war), but she must understand that inaction is most often a deficit. She has proven herself time and time again to others, she just needs to prove it to herself.

“Fear is a chain around the neck and a needle in the eye.

It was fear that made our prison, and it was fear that told the lie that

our spirits were not free to choose.

But together we left it all behind, and found a world free of burdens.

We found the beauty in accepting our dance.

This construct is a machine of fear. It has no place in our divine hearts.

Shatter it. Leave with me.”

“This one is a body that convinced herself she was only a set of eyes. She will make for a watchful heart.

Do not mourn her. She is now what she wished that she could be.”

Gill: The Drowned Grey

Unlike the others, I couldn’t really find a princess that fit gill as well as the others did, so I decided to do a more specific moment of gill’s story for his princess: his oath of vengeance and dunjon arc.

The Drowned Grey is a story of hurt, loss, and rebirth. Gill loses everything; his friends, his closest companion, and is taken away from the life he once knew to be trapped in an endless white void, to be judged by the apparitions of those who had always judged him before. He is raw, violent emotion, rage being the only way he knows to understand his pain, and thus inflicts it onto others. His actions endangered those who wanted to help him be because all he could process was his loss. And that loss he screamed at the elder’s with his entire soul, only to be swept away in the dark depths of Niklaus’ control. But after the anger, was his rebirth. He was never meant to remain in an endless void for eternity, and Born anew in the eye of a leviathan’s storm, the violence and grief was left behind him in the cold icy storm. He had his catharsis, leaving those demons behind him in the darkest depths.

“I kill you. You kill me. Back and forth we go, faster and faster and faster. I kill you. You kill me.

Hollow eyes watch from the dark corners of a forgotten place flooded by emotions left unspoken. The tide rises.

I kill you and me.

An ending is a passion that can only be expressed with a moment in time. It is a seed for a new beginning. To linger on an ending is to rob it of its life.

And without me, all that's left to do is linger.”

“This one is guarded sorrow. She saw herself as alone but in the end had courage to share with another. She will make for a deep heart.

Do not mourn her - she has finally been heard.”

anyways uhh thanks for coming to my tedtalk, i lowkey wanna do this for other campaigns, currently thinking about prime defenders and the suckening so ye 👍👍

[gatheringbones]

[“Laid thick with the values of neoliberalism, the discourse of “positive mental health” no longer focuses primarily on bringing the “insane” back to some state of normality but rather on the self-improvement of the individual. It is no longer enough to be “sane” or “normal”; one has to be constantly striving to be more positive and happier in life. This is a therapeutic quest which perfectly aligns with the neoliberal philosophy of personal responsibility and the need to constantly improve the self. It is a hegemonic discourse, thinly veiled as a therapeutic and medical expertise on the mind which promotes the values and goals of neoliberal capital.

As Ehrenreich (2009: 8–9) has stated of the “positive thinking” revolution in late capitalism, it promotes a model of deficit focused entirely on the individual: If optimism is the key to material success, and if you can achieve an optimistic outlook through the discipline of positive thinking, then there is no excuse for failure. The flip side of positivity is thus a harsh insistence on personal responsibility: if your business fails or your job is eliminated, it must [be] because you didn’t try hard enough, didn’t believe firmly enough in the inevitability of your success.

As the economy has brought more layoffs and financial turbulence to the middle class, the promoters of positive thinking have increasingly emphasized this negative judgment: to be disappointed, resentful, or downcast is to be a “victim” and a “whiner.” In the same way, psychiatric labels have come to focus on deficits and failings in character which threaten the productivity and consumption activities of the individual in many social and economic arenas of life. Thus, the psychiatric discourse seeks to both depoliticise the fundamental inequalities and structural failings of capitalism as individual coping problems while reinforcing the values of competition and self-improvement as common sense and taken for granted.

Speaking similarly of psychotherapy, Parker (2014: 171) states that the individual’s “adaptation” to capitalism requires psychotherapists not merely to ameliorate the worst excesses of the system, but to ensure that this adaptation is geared to inciting and channelling the critical reflexive energy of citizens so that the very critique that they make of the economy serves to fine-tune it … Thus psychotherapy becomes crucial to the state health apparatus as a practice devoted to the balance of dissatisfaction and yearning requisite for consumption and production.”]

bruce m.z. cohen, from psychiatric hegemony: a marxist theory of mental illness, 2016

[lovinglokilaufeyson]

Love is a Dagger: Prologue

Pairings: Loki x Fem!Reader/Dagger

Warnings: Soft!Loki, Angst, Grieving, Bit of a Slow-Burn (at least for me), Loki is Definitely Pining.

Wordcount: 697

Summary: You’ve been mourning your love for several months now, when suddenly your daggers are attracted to someone new to the tower. The God of Mischief. 

A/N: This is definitely based upon the fact that Loki called love a dagger in the MCU Loki Series. In this series, Dagger has lost her love. However, something within her calls her to Loki. Definitely some plot holes from the comics (and the MCU), but if you don’t mind that, read on! 

Another day in the tower, waking up and missing your lost love. You dreamt of him frequently, each dream coming to a haunting, dreadful end as Cloak died in your arms every time. It had been a lonely few months. The Avengers had given you some sense of semblance, you had bonded a lot with Wanda, following the loss of her twin brother, Pietro. 

However, her newfound partner in crime, Vision, had distracted her slightly. Not that she didn’t allow for the once-in-a-while girls’s night, it just wasn’t very high on her priority list. The recent Stark vs. Cap debacle was notable, yet you hadn’t made an appearance at any of the fights. Despite their desperation, neither party thought it was fair to forcefully pull you out of your grief to fight. Especially given your distractibility during practice. You were a powerhouse when needed, but you were also constantly fighting as if you should have someone beside you: Cloak. 

You were at a deficit without him, after fighting alongside him for so long. There had been several times where you became sick from not utilizing your lifeforce enough during your practices. It would then shoot out of you at immense power, causing a terribly awful thunderous force to strike through the compound like an earthquake. Tony made sure it only happened once. 

You tried your best, afterwards, to train as much as you could, even without your teammates. Therefore, when the Avengers had left on their latest mission, you knew that you could get some amount of training in. You were using your daggers to assault targets, which you were slowly becoming better and better at. Several cold-shots later, your daggers stuttered to their determined fate, but veered ever so slightly off course. 

Your daggers oftentimes searched for Cloak, when he was alive, which is why you were alarmed when they steered off of their predetermined course. They only ever did that when looking for Cloak. Swiftly, you gathered your belongings, exiting the training room. You yearned to know who the daggers were searching for. You drove forward your hand, propelling a dagger from your finger. It accelerated slightly, swiftly forging around the next corner, toward the helipad. You had to quicken your steps in order to keep up. 

You rushed onto the helipad, where most of the Avengers were standing. “Y/N,” Tony spoke, “you’re just in time to meet-”

“Loki” the man spoke, as the weapon neared him. The dagger surged into an abdomen, one covered in the finest leathers you had ever encountered. “I’m so sorry” you spat out, though the dagger had not penetrated him damagingly. It had merely dissipated in green particles. “Don’t apologize, darling. That felt quite nice, actually.” He smirked, reaching for your hand. You felt an ache in your palm, your life force allured towards the man. He took your hand in his, placing a delicate kiss atop it, as more of your energy seemed to forge into him, though it took hardly any out of your reservoir. 

“You’re electric, darling. In good kind of way.” He winked, leaving you speechless as you stood on the helipad. You weren’t sure what to think. The only time that your daggers were ever able to empower anyone was with Cloak. 

While the rest of the Avengers had gone to celebrate their successful mission, you had become a hermit within your room, starkly uncertain of what to believe or think of this “Loki” character. 

Wanda approached your room near dinner, hoping - anticipating - that you would join them, as usual. “Y/N, dinner time!” She knocked. After a few moments with no response, she stated “please, just talk to me for a moment so I can know you’re alright? Or I can send Vis in!”

You opened the door moments later, met with the witch’s green eyes, which reminded you of the glimmering green magic you had seen from the handsome man earlier that day. 

“Hey, what’s going on?” Wanda pried, though you were resistant to her charms for the most part. “There’s just- there’s something wrong with Loki.” 

“How do you mean, dear?” 

“He can absorb my life force, just like Cloak could.”

>>> Chapter I

[cowchickenbeefpork]

How does the craving/yearning correlate to the NPD and BPD for Oswald and Edward? Mostly curious for your thoughts about it

tbh that tag was me going insane I don't fully agree with it now per se. I don't like the original post I made where I compared them to yearning and craving because I compared their relationship to that instead of who they are as people, which was my thought process. I'm not sure if I was right about yearning and borderline idealization, but i do think i was right about craving and narcissism (btw I only made that post because i was watching Contrapoints video about the fucking TWILIGHT books, and since i have the intelligence of a mere banana I connected her opinions on yearning and craving back to nygmobblepot and mental disorders because that is how I show my appreciation to anything I find cool. keep in mind the definition I am using here is stolen from her and she took notes from Shakespeare, Taylor Swift, twilight as previously mentioned, and SEINFELD FOR HER THOUGHTS. Still, she is a great YouTuber go watch her she is one of my favorites.)

what I'm considering craving as definition wise is a desire that can be satisfied but only for a moment, constantly needing to be refilled. its like craving drinking or eating, it will satisfy you but you will constantly need to do it over and over and over in your life, it can be fulfilled unlike yearning but never for long, you will always need to refill it since it will never stick. craving is also less personal than yearning since it doesn't acknowledge something is deeply missing, it provides a temporary solution for something that will which makes craving end up resembling more so something like lust instead of limerence

i view narcissistic supply similarly to this. narcissism as a disorder is just trying to keep your false self up, it can be satisfied for a while but it will always still need to be refilled because of the fact its not a genuine love for yourself. narcissism is like having an addiction to feeling special in a way, that's why the craving for admiration never stops, because since they don't naturally feel content about themselves, narcissism as a coping mechanism works as tricking both the self and others that false, idealized self is real. the craving itself is a cope to hide the yearning in a way, the craving here only exists because of a deeper deficit. edward is not aware that he yearns for love and admiration, he thinks that he can just get a bit of it and be content forever, but he wont. ( fun fact the false grandiose self is actually the main difference in bpd and npd, they do have alot of simliarties like projection and splitting and a want for admiration and love but borderlines dont have that false idealized grandiose self unless they also have npd on top of their bpd. this is probablyyyy why borderlines are more easier to maniuplate since narcissistic defendses are stronger and more durable than borderline ones, there is a reason borderlines often split on themselves while narcissists don't that much)

yearning is wanting your other half, it's wanting to inherently fill out that incomplete part of yourself. You could make a connection between BPD and yearning since things like idealization and chronic feelings of emptiness but I feel less confident in this one. the yearning will also never be fulfilled just like the craving is, Oswald thinks that he will feel fine when he finally gets it but his idea of love is idealized. That version of love he craves does not exist since love requires effort and work, and even if it did he would still fail at it because of his cannibalistic nature when it comes to love, nothing is enough for him, he will hold unto someone until their bones break. that cannibalistic desire ends up becoming similar to the craving in my head a little, because nothing will be enough. he also uses people to bring himself up ego but doesn't want to reflect on how his actions are selfish, pretty much downplaying or playing victim about it and acting like he is not as bad as the other criminals are ( both of them do this, to be honest, I would say it is different but not really besides which one plays up the other as a irrational fool more than a malicious monster out to get them and vise versa, they devalue and demonize each other in the same ways; both feel like the other just lied about ever caring for them)

basically what I am getting at here is ed thinks that he can just get his needs met if he does things that will only satisfy him temporally ( since he's a "cold logician MY ASS) and will not stop the constant, unaware yearning for genuine love while Oswald thinks he will be satisfied if he gets that, when he won't, he will want more and more until there is nothing left but bones. Oswald thinks his desire could be fulfilled perfectly if he just met the right person but no one will satisfy that hunger, he pretends he does not crave like Edward does but he still does. both of them have the same problems but both of them try to hide them differently and express them differently, edward is more ashamed looking like he is irrational and Oswald is more ashamed of being SEEN as a monster. ( neither of them like being viewed like that but both of them clearly have a preference for a different insult, edward just convinces himself that they are basically just ants who don't know better and oswald goes by a more the ends justify the means approach, edward does want to be loved and admired but he thinks that is not possible in the more traditional oswald way, so he does a bunch of crime shit instead to prove how smart he is and to get that love and admiration)

edward has the same yearning as Oswald but he pretends he doesn't, Oswald has the same craves as edward does but pretends he doesn't

[nerdygaymormon]

I love that in this interview Elder Patrick Kearon is as compassionate as in his General Conference talks.

•  On singles — “When we are most in tune, or most alive to the truth [that God and Jesus have a plan of happiness for everyone], we are at our best selves. Whether you’re a member of a large family, a small family, or an individual, whether you’re in a good place, as we sit at the moment, or are feeling lost, and alone, the message is the same.”

• On women leading — “I’d love to see women leading. We have extraordinary women doing the most profound work. I see things that women are doing under the guidance of the general Relief Society presidency, which at the moment has a focus on education, malnutrition and neonatal initiatives — these are worldwide things. Then you think of the role of women in their congregations and homes. We’re getting a better understanding and description of the contributions and leadership that women provide.”

• On LGBTQ members — “We need to treat them like everybody else, treat them as the Savior treated those he ran into. … He blessed them. That’s our model. The invitation to all of us is to get better at being like him. When we treat people the way he would have us treat them, we feel more peace, we feel more joy. And that’s what we want for them.”

• On the church becoming less America-centric — “There are more members of the church outside North America than in and that’s a trend that I think is likely to increase rather than decrease and it’s beautiful and it’s enriching. It’s a reminder that Heavenly Father and the Savior are interested in all of us, wherever we are, whatever circumstances we’re in. I’m sure they yearn most for those who are again, suffering through some kind of deficit or loss or pain.”

[affectiondeficitdisorder]

Attachment vs Addiction: Where does style end, and diagnosis begin?

by Ethlie Ann Vare

I was recently asked what my attachment style is. I didn’t know what to say. Is “un” a style? I’m also not clear on my love language. Something with a hard-to-decipher accent, I suspect. 

Love languages, attachment styles… I don’t think love addicts fit well into these relationship categories. We are not the average Dear Prudence reader. We are the few, the proud, the neurochemically distinct. At least, I think we are. But I could be wrong. Maybe love addiction is just a dysregulated attachment style? 

I got curious so I did some research, because that’s what the internet is for. Unless you’re a sex addict, in which case it’s for pornography.

In a nutshell: Attachment theory was first proposed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby back in the 1950s, and refined by his work with developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. The idea is that a person’s comfort and confidence in close relationships – mainly but not exclusively romantic – is set up in early childhood, essentially based on how safe an infant feels with its caregiver/s. Safe = Secure Attachment. Unsafe = three flavors of Insecure Attachment.

Inconsistent or unreliable parenting leaves the child with unmet needs (“affection deficit disorder,” one might say) and sets them up for insecure attachment. That push-pull between a yearning for intimacy and a fear or rejection is factory installed. So the good news is, this isn’t a series of stupid choices you made. You didn’t just fuck up. The bad news: You can’t go back and unfuck it.

 The basic Attachment Styles are: 

Secure Attachment: The good one. Fewer than half the population (as few as 15%, according to some researchers) can boast of this. You need to have had consistent and reliable parents, preferably in a strong partnership. I haven’t met many of those parents, personally, but then you have to consider the circles I move in. Individuals with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and trust their partners. They can express emotions openly, manage conflict healthily, and value both independence and connection.

If your parents were absent, or drunk, or mentally ill, or untrustworthy in other colorful ways, you end up with insecure attachment. There are three basic insecure attachment styles:

Anxious Attachment: Sometimes called “fearful” or “ambivalent” attachment. These are people who crave closeness but fear rejection. They might be clingy and seek constant reassurance, constantly on the lookout for signs of a partner’s disapproval. This is the “never leave me” partner, even in abusive situations.

Avoidant Attachment: Those with avoidant attachment prioritize independence and downplay the importance of intimacy. They fear commitment, may be uncomfortable expressing strong emotions, and can push partners away to avoid feeling vulnerable. This is your basic player.

Disorganized Attachment (Fearful-Avoidant): This attachment style usually stems from childhood trauma. Individuals with disorganized attachment desperately desire connection yet desperately fear it. They struggle with trust and can behave erratically in relationship. “Come here go away” is their motto. 

So which one am I, you ask? Nosy parker. But I was curious, too, so I took a test. (I liked this one, but there are tons online.) Turns out, I am… sort of all of them. Light on the Secure, naturally, mostly Avoidant, but with a healthy dollop of batshit Disorganized. 

Here, look:

Disorganized attachment folks say stuff like “Relationships are confusing.” “People let you down.” “My partner is unpredictable.” “My partner says I’m unpredictable.” “Sometimes, I mentally check out because it’s all too much.” “I want to be close, but I’m afraid of getting hurt.” “Getting hurt is inevitable.” We don’t make a lot of eye contact. I can relate.

Avoidant attachment people might say, “I don’t see the point of talking about my feelings. Feelings are overrated.” “I don’t like to depend on people or ask for help. I’d rather do things myself.” “I can seem standoffish or like I don’t really care.””I need time to myself.” “I’m fine on my own.” I can relate to this, too.

Anxious attachers would say (albeit probably not out loud) “I want to be with you or in contact with you all the time.” “I’m terrified that you’ll leave me.” “I need constant reassurance of your love and commitment.” “My insecurity makes me jealous.” “Is there something wrong with me that makes you pull away?” This I don’t relate to as much, although I have stayed with a few men it would have been healthier to leave. 

Which of these, then, is the love addict? In my experience, it can be any of them, except maybe for secure. We are anxious attachment squared. Avoidant attachment on steroids. Disorganized attachment on crack. Sometimes literally with the crack…. We love addicts can get addicted to whatever kind of attachment we are in at the moment, because first and foremost we are addicts. And addiction is the result of a more complex soup of causes than just your parental units. 

As you know, I subscribe to the three-alarm fire theory of addiction: To make a decent fire, you need to have something to burn, a match to light the flame, and oxygen to keep it going. Adverse childhood experience (ACE) — like inconsistent and unreliable parenting — might be the match that lights the firewood. But you have to have dry kindling to start with, and that’s the brain chemistry you were born with: Inefficient reward transmitters, lousy dopamine receptors, all the stuff I’ve been writing about lo, these many years. 

And of course you have to have an environment that keeps the fire raging. Nightclubs and dating apps are great for that. Harems and convents, not so much. Absent any of these elements and your attachment style is just… your style, like Business Casual or Vintage Bohemian.

Me, I like cargo pants and combat boots and lean Fearful/Avoidant. Neither makes me an addict. Attachment styles I can learn to change. Addiction I get to recover from. Cargo pants and combat boots… those are just fatal.

[greenteabagss]

my mom forced me to eat so I went over my deficit, and then binged. I hate myself more than anything. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Am I really that weak? Yesterday and the day before yesterday I ate under 250 kcals just to binge like the pig I am today. I literally ate over 1,5k calories like wtf is wrong with me. Am I not motivated enough to be beautiful? Is my yearning for thinness not strong enough? I am literally about to attempt, I can’t do this anymore

I don’t even know why I am writing this here, I am so pathetic.

[jujutsubabe]

one funny thing about adhd I didn't know was a symptom till I was diagnosed, was the deep feeling that I was craving something I didn't know the name of. To elaborate, I would sit at my desk and randomly start wanting something, but had no idea what it was I wanted. It would be a strong craving too, as if you were craving sugar while on a diet. (Except in that case you know what you are craving.)

now it wasn't an emptiness like depression. It was more like a child being forced to eat dinner before playing with their friends. I guess the right word would be yearning.

From what ive gathered, sounds like this feeling is just a mixture of boredom and hyperactivity! When i was struggling with this feeling i wished i could find anyone to relate to cause not enough people talk about it. Here are some other places people have mentioned this!

Reddit forum

additude article

Also i think this book mentions it too!: Driven to Distraction (Revised): Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder (Although that may be it, I do find that explanation a bit drab. Id like to believe I'm genuinely yearning for something amazing that will come soon, as if that feeling is foreshadowing it all.)

[fe-sibling-duo-tournament]

Fire Emblem Sibling Duo Tournament: Losers Round 1 - Match 5

Propaganda for both duos under cut:

Lysithea & Edelgard:

They bonded over their shared traumatic experiences through twsitd's twisted experiments, their dynamic, especially in three hopes, really showed the deficits that the experimenting had on their lives. While they both keep the details to themselves, Lysithea's shortened lifespan plays a significant part of her character, her urgent need to live a fulfilling life in the small amount of time she has, to reject being treated as a child because she knows she lost that childhood and desperately needs to feel like she's grown up. Edelgard's softer side who, reading between the lines and paraphrasing a bit here, yearns for the softness and gentleness of being someone child, of having comfort, safety. She wants power to eliminate power imbalance because a power struggle is what kicked off her torture.

Nel & Rafal:

SIBLINGS BUT ALSO LIKE FOUND FAMILY IN A WAY! Chosen twins! Dragons!!! They're both gender as hell!

[dumpster-fire-deluxe]

Why Palpatine is autistic (headcanon)

Listen if I was diagnosed as autistic in 15 minutes without diagnostic assessment and by answering "eh, kind of" to 2/10 questions, then this man should be diagnosed ten times over

You can only disagree with me once you've read the whole thing <3

Part 1: DSM-5 official diagnostic criteria

Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions.

This criterium can include a lack of affective/emotional empathy. Also, when is Palpatine interested in the emotions of others beyond how it serves him?

Yes, he does seem socially adept. But this is something you can learn, literally. He's had a lot of training in how politicians act, how to convince people, etc. It's all an act. It's just a more severe form of masking.

And let's not forget: how much easier is social interaction when you can sense the other person's thoughts and feelings through the Force? No need to read their body language at all. You can feel what's going on and what they want to hear

Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.

Masking!! There are many moments with Palpatine where I'm like "ah, that there is very much a conscious expression, deliberately pulling those precise facial muscles, rather than something naturally happening". Same with a lot of moments of intonation.

Also, how often do you see him talk with his hands? When talking, his arms are usually rigidly at his side (or in T-Rex position).

Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.

This is specifically about equal peer relationships. Yes, Palpatine knows how to do official/business relations. You can learn that in political school or by copying others. There are rules & tactics & etiquette/protocols. But close, personal relationships?

You often see autistics in relationships with power differences, like master-apprentice/dom-sub relationships (in either role). That's a lot easier to navigate than equal peer relationships, which are a lot muddier.

Also, "absence of interest in peers". When have we seen him yearning for close personal relationships?

Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypes, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).

Palpatine does have some frequent finger tapping going on and he "worm walks" (swaying with either legs or upper body, unless focusing on walking straight and/or looking at the ground, like in the third image).

Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat same food every day).

I don't think he has this one.

Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g., strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).

This is the big one. What neurotypical person would be able to spend every waking moment working on one singular interest (Sith Grand Plan/Dark Side), forsaking social relationships and such? Even passionate allistics wouldn't be so entirely consumed by one thing for years on end.

Palpatine also collects objects related to that interest (the Sith artifacts/artworks).

Once he's emperor he doesn't show himself much anymore but instead spends all day alone studying his special interest.

Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g. apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, visual fascination with lights or movement).

First of all, the depression robes from the original trilogy. That's all.

Second, I think in the Star Wars universe "sensory aspects of the environment" could apply to the Force too, in line with hyper-empathy & hypersensitivity. And guess who was born super sensitive to the Force?

Third, no neurotypical person has that kind of interior design. I'm talking about all the red. My guess is chronic under-stimulation, thus needing to be surrounded by a bright color.

Part 2: Miscellaneous/Non-diagnostic autistic traits

Gender non-conformity (always wears dresses and gives off such princess energy)

He often has T-Rex arms and when he doesn't, his arms are stiff by his side (stiff posture in general). When relaxed, the T-Rex comes out.

His father thought he was different from birth, something about Palpatine didn't appear "normal" to him

Autism & pattern recognition + seeing the inner mechanics of systems. This includes social/societal structures. Add in years of analyzing humans and their behavior/psychology. It makes it possible to see relations, predict actions, etc., either on an individual scale or a larger one.

In the same vein, good at analyzing (situations & people)

His father was said to be cruel and violent (in this house the Darth Plagueis novel is still canon, fight me). Autism + childhood trauma can turn quite intense, to put it mildly. In this case: no empathy + no attachment to other humans + learning to read people and situations very well to stay safe + tendency to rigid thinking/intense preoccupation + seeing everyone as an enemy + special interest that involves hurting others, combined with running into a Sith Lord during his formative years? Yeah, all the pieces are there.

Anyway, this headcanon is locked into my brain now and I simply can't unsee it anymore.

[jasperosesprt]

Page of Doom!

since i just created this blog, figured i may start out with anything! so here i have the Page of Doom, god how i hate this classpect. it seems so stupid but hey is still a classpect! would have to analyze it sooner or later right? anyways enough of my stuff :p The Page of Doom

i'm pretty sure this is one of the most undesirable classpects someone could have? doom's are canonically useless wtf do you want from me oml D¿X

as any Page they start with a deficit of their aspect, ( Tavros being stuck to a wheel chair making him unable to walk as an example ), being the doom aspect in this case they ( at the start ) would not be really empathetic with others suffering as they have not been in their place, but try REALLY hard to be, maybe even lying to others to try to comfort them by relating to their misery and failing. so yeah no they're not great at comfort.

we don't really know much about doom, or atleast enough to make an accurate speculation, but they DO suffer. but they learn from it. a Page of Doom may struggle to learn from their mistakes, making them over and over which could make them look stubborn to others even if they are not stubborn themselves, is just that like i said; they struggle learning from their doings or where they got it wrong. (also a small detail from pages i've noticed is they lie to get their way, not because they are selfish but because thats how the game works sadly, they may lie to not hurt others or/and get themselves out of trouble. not necessarily a bad trait, i even think it's useful but that would be mostly up to you.)

they also would probably be very passionate about rules, maybe a little too much to a point is annoying, and what could even be MORE annoying is that they struggle to follow rules, or maybe even their OWN rules. so they may look a little hypocritical but that's just a part of compensating the lack of their aspect. also a small theory is that they may NOT suffer as much as an average doom player, doom it's pain, tragedies and just everything bad in general, but as pages lack their aspect they may not have much experiences to even learn from. they yearn the wisdom that comes in hand with the pain but cannot ever seem to be in pain? a way they could compensate it is just being a real BIG fan of tragic stories, trying to learn from them to compensate the lack of bad ocurrencies

also Doom players are really negative. and as a Page of said aspect they could be OVERLY negative, bringing others down too

after godtiering... they would be dead ngl LMAO imagine just getting struck by every bad thing ever at once i imagine it just as they god tier a fucking meteor falls on them Pages have the potential to become the most powerful member of their session, but i doubt the Page of Doom will ever even godtier, their edgy-wannabe attitute will probably hold them back if no one helps them ( also lets not forget they are most likely gonna die or just struggle a lot before/while entering the game. like their dreamself being dead or some shit i dont know but this is the Page of Doom. meaning they lack doom, then no fucking IDEA how would that happen but *shrug* will happen somehow ) and when/if they do godtier i can imagine them just suffering of every bad thing on the world/universe/session. how the FUCK do you exploit doom for your BENEFIT more than wisdom and being the kind of friend that will pat your back and say "hey... it's gonna be ok" okay in conclusion: Pages of Doom shouldn't exists they're an abomination please why did anyone ever think this would be a great idea i'm gonna go cry

also sorry if i wrote something wrong ot got anything mixed up with any other class / aspect i had 4 hours of sleep

i will also update this since it seems kinda innacurate now i'm probably just feeling negative today

[demonanastasi]

Mammon works fast.

(no gold color for text? lame. I make sparkles with emojis instead)

✨✨✨✨✨✨

I work in a restaurant, and Memorial Day weekend was hard on me. The dopamine deficit (audhd noggin herein) was hitting me hard one night and I had the sensation of negative dopamine, and I don't wanna go into detail in case coworkers find this (don't want them to know about my demonolatry) but I did get my dopamine up for a bit only for it to come crashing back down, and I got right back upset again and had to go to the bathroom to bawl. I prayed to Mammon while I was in there begging for dopamine and to inform me of what he'd like in return in a dream.

Almost immediately after I came out of the bathroom, my boss came up to me and insisted I resume what I'd done to get my dopamine up. He wanted me to. I'm stubborn, and I was still upset, but I had a notion this was Mammon's answer to my prayer, and I didn't want to reject it, so I did. I started feeling better. And my dopamine stayed in the positives even after I stopped voluntarily.

That night I stayed up horribly late curating a playlist taking the listener on a journey through the Cardinal Sins in the Dominion of Passion, starting with Greed (Mammon's Sin), then Gluttony (Beelzebub), and closing out with Lust (Asmodeus), and had no dreams that I remember when I did eventually fall asleep. I take the music curation as what Mammon got out of this in return -- my goal for the playlist was inspiring the respective Sins in listeners, so if a listener is thinking about money and wealth and wanting money and love of money, then they are yearning for Mammon's spheres of influence. His fucking NAME is money.

I might add Whales by Hail Mary Mallon back to the Greed section because of how many times they say (chant, if you will) the English translation of Mammon's name 🤣 money, motherfucker.

And I got even more dopamine out of making the playlist. My delight in him and his forte simply because it's him and his forte (beautiful special interests!) was possibly also pleasing to him.

Anyhoo, thanks Mammon! Yer a real screwball.

✨💎✨💸✨💅🏼

[futur3lov3r]

Did you read the book I recommended? Do you understand now, my Dorian?

There were so many ways you could’ve spun the end of us, and you chose to paint me as a liar? Well, I suppose I shouldn’t worry how you paint your words. You were never the artist you portrayed yourself as; too technical and logical, you never stitched your very skin to what you create like I did. You could’ve easily shown your work to anyone, without feeling like it bore your very soul. Maybe you made the right choice in separating yourself from your work, my heavy involvement, no, my obsessive entanglement with my work, has only been a deficit. I think there’s quite a bit of truth in the saying that the muse longs to be the artist, and the artist yearns to be the muse. For years I prayed to be in your spot, to exist in the world beautifully, I paint my face 100 layers thick and am considered as much as art as plain grey wallpaper, you’re considered worthy of sculptures in your honor without effort. I longed to have your ability to convince others that your whims were their very own, to have those who you simply consider amusing occasionally, writing hundreds of poems, even entire books about you. But I could never give up my devotion, even if it meant a beautiful youth like yours. I am unfortunately the most known artist to display you, I have burned my paintings and ground my sculptures to dust, now all that is left of the works of you, are my words.