#Dear Feathers

[dearfeathers--lovelaz]

To My Dearest Feathers;

Yeah... I'm still here. Life's been hectic, so I've been quiet, but you're still always on my mind. I don't think that will ever change, honestly...

I watched the total solar eclipse with my dad last month. It was really neat to watch, and definitely something I'm glad I got to see in my lifetime. I just wish you had been here to experience it with me... I think you would have really loved it...

I finally listened to The Tortured Poet's Department. I was rightfully scared to do so... Honestly I could have written the album, it was so relatable. A lot of it reminds me of you... I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one, honestly...

Summer's coming up. Reminds me of your birthday. I hope you've found a reason to turn it into a good day instead of a trauma one... Like how you were going to use my birthday to help with your holiday trauma... Guess that one didn't work out in the end after all.

I'm drowning in thoughts and feelings and depression. Makes me wonder if actually drowning hurts this much, not that I'd ever willingly do so. I wish The Lonely was real... At least the fog could make me forget you if it was. Could probably make me forget a lot of things. Remember how that episode with Martin terrified me when we listened to it...? Turned out I was right to be terrified... I'm alone now. Again.

Work sucks, honestly. My feet and shoulder hurt a lot less now, but it's almost like the back pain is permanent and just getting worse. A bunch of employees walked out during the shift last weekend. Honestly I don't even blame them. I would too if I had any other options. At least the pay is good?

Maybe people would stay if I was just a complacent little puppet... Always doing as I'm told... Never arguing. Never saying no. Just theirs to control and play with. Their favourite toy... Maybe then I'd be loved again. Who knows... At least if somebody is playing with me I'm not alone anymore...

Love Always,

Laz

May 10th, 2024

[caloric-dysphoric]

just got home from school and logged on while eating a snack??? why tf was i doing that whats my issue? i barely even thought about it until i was scrolling thru th1nsp0s and immediately felt so guilty. i ate at lunch today, not all of it, but i still did. and my teacher brought in these peppermint brownies for my table group because we won last weeks competition. and i fucking ate one. what is WRONG with me?? i should NOT be eating voluntarily, only when i cant get away with not. no more today aside from what i have to at dinner. and nothing at school tomorrow.

[featherwhiskered]

you. uh. you guys come here often...?

[babytchotchke]

That stupid Monkees haircut hiding his second best feature, I'm sick

[binah-beloved]

distorted Binah, reading a book calmly over your shoulder in the Floor of Philosophy. it's still broken and tarnished, the distortions taking a toll on the Library, but with your presence it seems lighter, the crumbling stars shining just a bit brighter. Binah settles against you with a sound halfway between a bird's chirp and the mechanical screech of a machine, before she tenses suddenly and grabs your face in her hands. you can tell something is awry, by the way her wings ruffle and shake, but even now she's careful not to scratch your skin with her metal claws.

her many golden eyes stare, silent and horrified, and Binah lets out a raspy, rusted caw of despair as her hand trails over a tiny black feather growing from your skin.

[aisul-art]

They're all Watching fireworks! Well...some. How nice.

I do have a Version where you Can see The Firework light Illuminating on Them but I'm Not Too sure if I'm gonna Post it.

[mellowwhumps]

[some other life] — backlog post, no whump just angst

OCs: Ketil by me, Ölvir (funky pronouner) and Shura by @/lemlem21

——

Beyond one of the numerous corridors of the library closed for the day, a small room hosts three people, weapons leaning against a wall, two sitting haphazardly as they catch their breath. Falling droplets drum music upon the frosted-glass windows, steady and unyielding. 

“Ölvir’s been training you well, eh?” Shura arches an eyebrow in question, making casual conversation as they retighten the clasps of their armor. “Nearly beat me. Try a little harder next time, won’t you, little archivist? Next round.”

The aforementioned archivist baulks at the very suggestion, staring at Shura incredulously. “Nnh, nearly? Were you trying to kill me? If not, then I think my legs will, mercy please…” Despite their complaints, Ketil is smiling as they get to their feet, lurching forward and nearly falling as they attempt to find their balance. 

“Mercy? In any proper battle, you’d be dead. Or worse.” Ölvir, blunt as usual, barely looks up from their book as one hand fidgets with xir’s necklace.

Ketil sighs. “Isn’t it your turn now?”

“No. Ask again after a chapter.”

It hadn’t been hard for them to fall into the routine with one more person to spar with—magic against steely silver, against... well, not quite a stranger anymore, now. They never thought they’d have fun doing the one thing they most hated, yet so they were, right now, brushing stray strands of hair away from their face and getting back into position. A round begins, then ends, then begins again.

Shura’s the first to ask to leave, surprisingly.

Despite spending time in a library, Shura never did seem to like the quiet, Ketil noticed: constantly pacing, always searching, like a glass filled to the brim. Whatever it was, they couldn’t pinpoint. 

They decide to follow. A pair of footsteps trails behind them without word, book snapping shut, and Ketil feels the tension in their shoulders lessen just the smallest bit more, even as the air around them seems to want to swallow them whole. 

“Where are you going?” they ask, as though it were ever that simple for either of them. The exit looms at the end of the narrow corridor. 

Shura freezes in place, armour glinting in the warm light, moments from the doorknob. “This hallway was where most intruders were dealt with, right?” When Ketil tilts their head in further question, Shura turns, the look in their eyes mirroring the archivist’s. “I’m going outside,” they state instead.

“Why?” They think they speak but find their mouth still shut. Ölvir takes two steps forward, and only two, moving with intensity that might have made them scared a long time before. “You might catch a cold. The rain is particularly bad today.” 

Shura pauses, and their next words are barely audible. “You don’t need to worry about me.”

There is a universe where it ends right there, Ketil thinks. Wanderers go where they must; epilogues happen when they want to. There is a world where they stand still and keep quiet right now, and none of them get hurt. There is a world where they are sad, or angry, or resigned, or accepting. This is a world where something inexplicable altogether sticks on their ribcage and doesn’t let go. 

They couldn’t do so, even if they wanted to. They don’t understand. Never asked. A surge of energy rushes through their body, and between the falling of one raindrop and another, they find themselves right in front of Shura. Ketil pushes down the urge to grasp the other’s wrist, hands partially raised before they come to an awkward halt. 

Stalling. If only for the slightest bit longer. 

“Can it wait? I wanted to give you something!” They scramble to think of the incantation, feeling vei course through their skin and pool in their cupped hands to form petals. White flowers overflow from their grasp and drift down. They were lucky, for once in their life.

Shura glances at the filled vase beside them, and Ketil doesn't miss the action. “You can make these anytime, can’t you?”

”Ah, but these ones really last forever. They won’t wilt, and their petals don’t fall as easily. And you said you liked this species the most, so I learnt how to pick a certain kind to grow at will—” 

“—There’s no point, it’s not...”

“It’s a gift from me to you. That’s all that matters, isn’t it?”

Their head hurts, yet they fail to halt their growing smile seeing the flowers now in Shura’s still hold, as though even the slightest movement would break a petal off. As though this peace could somehow last forever. Forever. What a peculiar thought. 

“I wanted to thank you. For being my friend.” They speak, the most certain they have ever been, and their world crashes down around them. A puzzle piece slotted into place, a page turning. The simple word feels somewhat right on their tongue.

Whatever more there might be to it, complicated as it is, they don’t say.

Some part of them wonders if this expression, one no longer statue-like in front of them—eyebrows angled slightly more upwards, lips parted—was what fragility looked like, as slight as it was. A split second, a second more, then gone as fast as it came. But they saw it, and in a distant future they might recall the memory and wonder: how much of it was true?

It’s silent apart from the rain. "I...I can’t carry these in my hand all the time,” Shura replies at last, already placing the small blossoms back in Ketil’s hand, returning their own back to their sides. Empty. Fingers half-curled into their palm, the full gesture vacantly abandoned—an afterthought, an excuse. 

Their response to that doesn’t come as easily, until they hear a rustling beside them and glance over to see Ölvir’s coral-pink hair undone. In his outstretched hand is a length of satin cord, a shrug as xir’s only acknowledgement to their own widened eyes. They pass the cluster of blooms in their hand to Ölvir. 

Delicately, the librarian winds the string around their fingers and the base of the flowers, tying one loop, then another, before reaching out to slip it around Shura’s neck. Their body abruptly jerks at the touch, so harshly the unfinished knot nearly comes undone. 

Not once did he make skin contact. When Ölvir finally pulls away, the petals quiver with each heavy breath taken but do not drop, resting securely upon where the familiar rune on Shura’s skin mirrors theirs. 

Too quiet to be heard, too visible to be missed by them. Their friend mutters a few unsaid words, thumbing over the cord’s ridges before lifting the blossoms to their nose, undoubtedly taking in the scent of old books naturally imbued into it. Their footsteps echo as they pace past Ketil to rest by the nearest windowsill, watching the trails of water flow down in waves and waves. 

“If you both want,” they say, “then I s’pose I can stay a little while longer.” When their friend turns to face them, they’re smiling, ever so softly, calm in ways they had never seen them in. They take a seat beside Shura, Ölvir drapes herself over the nearby shelf, and they chat until the sun dips beneath Loraven’s walls, and everything is alright once more.

It was the last good day. 

[cakeywakeyfakey]

My dear!

[xstarrywitchx]

Eddie's post office & Sally's fashion show !! :DDD

(little extra fact below)

Eddie's post office was originally meant to be in reference to this meme:

but when drawing the sketch I didn't end up with the big size difference I wanted :[ but I went with it anyway cause I didn't want to erase a bunch of stuff and think it still turned out pretty good on it's own :3 just wanted to add that in case it's still kinda funny to someone ^^"

[confessthysiins]

♱ indie & selective  OSWALD of CARIM of Dark Souls. some personal lore & canon divergence. sideblog to @henosiis. strictly 18+. written by kat!

EXPLORING sin, devotion, redemption, forgiveness, self-reflection, and loving what can never die.

♱ est. 2014 resurrected oct. 2021 ♱ affiliated with @sunmad

[yourlostmotivation]

Just realised we’re getting closer to the 31st of October and I don’t think I e lost a single kg… I’m so disappointed with myself

[dearfeathers--lovelaz]

To My Dearest Feathers;

Everything is getting worse. The depression. The anxiety. The voices... Now I'm even starting to see shadows where there aren't any. I can't even talk to Enchanted about it because they're gone. Just like you.

I want to disappear. I don't wanna die, because then things will never get better again. But... I wish I could just temporarily stop existing. Sometimes I wish I was an android... Just have somebody hit the power button, they could turn it back on in maybe a year or something. Just to give me a break from all of this. I dunno. I'm just rambling, I guess.

People keep offering to let me talk to a therapist. don't want to talk to a therapist. It just reminds me of everything I've lost... Every person I've lost.

I'm going to shatter. I can feel it. It's not a matter of if anymore, it's a matter of when. It could be tomorrow. It could be next week. Or next month. Or even next year. But it's going to happen. I know it is. I just wish you were here to hold me when I do... but you're not. And that's probably why I'm so certain it's coming. Because the glue that held me together is dry and cracked and brittle, and you aren't here anymore to help me mend it. I just hope you remember me when I was healthy and healing... Not like I am now. That's the good thing about you being gone... You don't have to see the path of destruction left behind, or the shell of a person I've become.

At least at the rate thing's are going, there won't be anybody left to be upset when it happens. You know I always hated hurting people...

Love Always,

Laz

April 4th, 2024

[caloric-dysphoric]

i was able to get away with only eating the pieces of bell pepper and some broccoli from dinner tn. i kind of employed the cassie method: cut up everything super small, pushed it around a lot, drank lots of water, was on my phone a lot, and got up and threw away my full plate of food super casually while looking at my phone. i feel so good i cant wait to continue my restraint tmrw. ❦

[snowdice]

Insomnia is attempting to torture me, but it’s had hardly a chance as I’ve read through the entirety of Kill Dear tonight xD

It’s even more delightful than when I first read it 💜

I truly adore how excellently you managed to write an enemies to lovers story. How very enemies they start, and how Reasonably! And then as they open up to each other, bit by bit. And then how they manage to fall in love, Roman gradually and Logan rather all at once.

I also Really enjoy the world you’ve built for them to live in. The intersections of magic and culture are lovely. It’d be so cool to learn more about multrums! Where they come from and why and how they’ve ended up rather scattered among the countries.

I’m very tempted to put it on my to-podfic list. Your books are always delightful to read and to act out!

I'm glad you liked Kill Dear! (Again lol.) I honestly had plans for the slow opening up to be even slower, but it was a Big Bang fic (and already way way over the word minimum, so I had to push it through.

I am always down for another Kiera podcast, so you, of course, always have blanket permission. (However, no pressure obviously. You have a lot of other things to do already. :) )

[guppygiggles]

/////////////

[elavoria]

It’s that time of year again… 2023 art vs. artist! : )

Full picture of me and bonus silly outtake under the cut~

Behold, the duality of Ela: