#Dean Depressed Winchester must die so that Dean Self-Actualized Winchester can live

[naruhearts]

14x11 Thoughts, Destiel, & 10x09

(copy-paste from Twitter) 

- - - -

So I finally got around to watching this week’s ep — the whole thing — and it was...okay. I don’t think it packed super good characteristic/emotional punches like we’ve seen in recent weeks but it definitely spoke to Dean’s long-running low depressive self-worth (and ever-increasing queer Dean subtext via Michael’s closet!box and 14x10 closet!mind).

What stood out to me was the absence of Cas: no mention of him or Jack. And I don’t know if I should take that as solid or sloppy negative space placement by Perez or what, but there were callbacks/reduxes to Dean’s MoC arc — specifically 10x09.

Interestingly, it seemed like the infamous D/C burger date was reflected by Dean and Donna the Dean mirror’s burger meetup, with both scenarios unfolding in the same narrative context of Dean’s self-sacrificial worthlessness-induced Bad Decisions™ that altogether served as some kind of contrast for platonic vs familial vs romantic interpersonal dynamics.

In 10x09 Sam was also deceived by his brother — observe the visual Dark vs Light difference of both settings — in that Dean obviously wasn’t fine but he still cooked for him (he cooks with Mary in 14x11 as well)/successfully tricked Sam into thinking all is well. Afterwards, Dean went on his heavily Dabb romance-coded burger date with Cas.

In sombre-coloured 14x11 Sam knew Dean was visibly off, whereas Cas is...nowhere to be heard, seen, found. Dean doesn’t mention him at all either, and again I don’t know if that was just some weird lapse in writing consistency, but Perez probably intended to convey the primary negative space: that Dean can be stopped by his lover-coded best friend Cas who, indeed, won’t talk Dean out of his plan like Sam can, but would drill through the box and metaphorically/literally yank Dean out — grip him tight and raise him again from proverbial Perdition (Dean’s metaphorical/literal burial directly ties back to Lazarus Rising, and well, this is what cyclic S14’s thematically highlighted generally all season so far: the old beginning and new beginning of Dean’s first rebirth) aka Dean knew that Cas, like in 10x09, would call him out on his bluff asap. Dean knew that Cas saying “No, you’re not [fine]” could break his free resolve to go through with his self-punishing World Saving scheme.

x

Dean knows that Cas finding out would stop him in his tracks, because he can’t bear to feel like he’s failing him, but that’s the rub of the episode’s characteristic premise isn’t it? Dean’s Hiding-to-Protect-My-Family is paradoxically counterproductive - he’s failing them, and he’s always internalized that saying goodbye before marching off to his own death isn’t a commonality but a rarity. He almost got away with not telling Sam, and we’ll see how Cas finds out next ep (Sam’s “secret sick farewell tour” comment was accurate). I mean, these are the only logical points I can think of in terms of almost unequivocally Cas-less dialogue (seriously, where’d he go?) UNLESS, like I said above, Dean’s deliberately and consciously holding back (voila, repressing feelings and words) from bringing Cas to his own awareness so that he has an uninterrupted burial go-ahead.

***Recall that in S10 Cas was unable to follow through with Dean’s intimately-confided wish for Cas to kill him as soon as he fell MoC darkside, anyway. In fact, Dean excluding Cas entirely from his conscious functioning may be his Operation: Burial failsafe to protect his family — to protect Cas — from what could become the 10x22-reminiscent line of Michael’s fire. Yet Cas shall remain by his side. Forever, if need be, precisely because “everyone you know, everyone you love? They could be long dead. Everyone except me.” I’ll-Go-With-You Cas is the one Dean absolutely trusts.

x

And when Perez relays the Who Am I-linked thematic question of How Are You? Dean says:

x

(Sigh. This is why you must ‘die’, Dean. Break the remaining shackles of miscommunication and performativity that hinder you from TALKING ABOUT IT, from OPENING UP ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU’VE ALWAYS AVOIDED TALKING ABOUT ESPECIALLY ON THE LOVE AND...LOVE FRONT.)

What I really enjoyed were the overt naked cowboy beefcake posters in Donna’s shed that evoked Dean’s subtextual preference for dark-haired thick-bodied male cowboys a la 13x06 Cas etc. Those men?! Yep, they’re exactly your type too, Dean. Just last episode we observed the biggest Repressed Gay Hits of Dean’s subconscious/Michael’s dream construct, poised to nudge at the walls of text. Here, Dean got, uh, pretty distracted for a few seconds until he remembered that he had to “die” (literally locking himself up in his closet!box with naked Cas-representative men surrounding him and oh boy more 4x01 sparks flew during the closet!box building process: meta in meta) but I digress—

x

Overall 14x11 isn’t one of my faves. Dean basically revealed, more or less, what was in Billie’s Single Win endgame book, and it seemingly overhauled the very notion of Free Will and blank slates that Dean (and TFW) always embodied x. It felt disjointed in certain respects, and I hated that Donna and Mary were DiDs (come on, TPTB, get past the damselized misogyny, in all its veiled and obvious forms). Personally heart-wrenching to me though was Dean’s one-on-one time with Mary (he belittled his cooking abilities by claiming he’s a “terrible cook” *hello low self-worth*) — including his grief-tinged bologna & cheese Winchester Surprise story that almost segued into angry John memories — despite it falling short by missing the mark for true expositional discussion between them re: Dean’s actual feelings (no substantial emotive breakthrough. But yeah, I guess it should make sense that Dean’s regressed to toxic depressive behaviours and maladaptive secrecy before he metaphorically “dies” and is resurrected again).

Rating: 5/10. 6/10 if I’m being generous.

p.s. Donna was trying to ask Dean how he is, but Dean deflected during their burger outing (“Everybody keeps asking me how I am”) —> contrast to Cas seeing through Dean’s walls during burger date. And it’s intriguing that Doug comes up in conversation; her split with Doug — who couldn’t integrate into or commit with Donna’s hunting life — still affects her. It’s as if Dean’s ‘splitting up’ with Cas, which, he technically is (temporarily).

I’m sure I might have more thoughts on 14x11 later on, but this is the gist of my summary for now. Feel free to throw your thoughts around, peeps!!

And by the way, 14x12 promo has Cas saying “Stop with your suicidal plans” to whom I’m assuming is Dean. I just hope next week explains what happened to 14x11’s narrative cohesiveness at least :P

Now I’d like to call on @coinofstone‘s symbolic analysis of the books Dean chose for coffin-building :D 

[naruhearts]

You won’t, Dean. Because you have the choice.

14x03//The Scar

Meta writers, thoughts? :)

@mittensmorgul @tinkdw @postmodernmulticoloredcloak @amwritingmeta

[demonologist-in-denim]

Okay, let’s get into this, because I have put off talking about Crowley’s cut monologue from 12x23 for long enough. If you haven’t already, you can read it here, or in this great gifset.

I absolutely see why this was cut. And I’m only acknowledging it here to talk about why I not only think it doesn’t add anything to Crowley’s story or our understanding of him, but how it actually detracts from it. After that, I intend to ignore it and let it fade away into the ether of the spn fandom. That being said, deleted scenes and cut scripts live in a sort of canonical limbo – you can choose for yourself whether to accept them as canon, consider them glimpses from some alternative universe, or do away with them entirely. I’m choosing the latter in this instance.

(This was meant to be a post, but it turned into an essay.)

Whomever wrote this was either unfamiliar with Crowley as a character, or was intentionally twisting the character in such a way as to fit into the convenient narrative that removed him from the show. Blame it on Chuck in text, blame it on the showrunners outside of text, whatever your preference – this doesn’t read like Crowley.

There are very few parts of this monologue that felt in character, that read like something Crowley would say. Not just in the tone or the choice of words, but the openness of it. And that’s coming from someone who writes reformed and/or human Crowley, with his admittance to remorse and shame and love. In this cut script, he is uncharacteristically vulnerable, sharing self-reflections he would never have shared aloud at this point in his character development. His dialogue lacks the layers of meaning or deflection that Crowley would normally employ, that he employed everywhere else in the show, even when being emotionally vulnerable.

That’s not to say that Crowley didn’t think or feel these things – I will argue to the end of my days (in spn fandom) that after the cure, Crowley hated himself. He hated that he was alone and unloved. Some part of that was due to being a demon and the horrible, evil, messy things he’d done, and some of it he believed was due to his inherent lack of worth. And I think this monologue was written in part to have Crowley make that final confession out loud. Final because, if that’s the case and he’s willing to admit it – to his former enemies and now the only people he really has in his life – his story can only take one of two directions: redemption or death. Embrace the desire for change and move forward as a reformed demon and full Winchester ally, or dramatically (and unnecessarily) sacrifice himself.

And there is a way to write that, but with Crowley properly in character and with the emotional complexity we know him to possess, not this blatant declaration. Maybe the line would have worked depending on how Mark Sheppard played it, and it only falls so flat because it’s just a script – I’m willing to allow for that. But this moment, facing down the boys after letting Lucifer loose, in front of an audience of Mary Winchester that he doesn’t know well and isn’t comfortable with, it doesn’t feel like a moment for Crowley to be this open, this vulnerable, about something so personal and so monumental.

I’ve no doubt that Crowley expected the Winchesters would one day kill him, “for good this time.” He was a demon working alongside a pair of hunters; there was always going to be that risk. Crowley was intelligent, one of the smartest characters on the show. He had to know that was how things would play out – either that, or he would die on their behalf, or because of their actions, even if he had ended up leaving Hell and joining Team Free Will. That was what happened to people around the Winchesters. Crowley warned Kevin of that himself. “They use people up, and leave them to die bloody.” Crowley knew. And as he internalized more and more of his blood-born conscience, Crowley had to believe on some level that he deserved it, especially if he hated himself and what he’d done.

But once again, if Crowley was going to say something like that, that’s not how he’d say it. It would be as a dismissive aside, or a knife in Dean’s gut in a moment of intense emotion between the two of them, or as a rebuke that the Winchesters badly deserved. Or better yet, as something remarked between himself and Cas, who Crowley likely suspected would outlast him but also ultimately die in service of the Winchester cause. Words like those have power. And it’s unlike Crowley to lay them down in supplication like this. It doesn’t even feel like a heart-felt confession, like his monologue in 8x23. It reads like someone wrote what was meant to be under Crowley’s words, the intention behind his dialogue, the much-exalted subtext, but failed to add all the layers on top of it, to put it in actual character.

I’m just going to bundle the whole beginning of the monologue together and toss it out entirely. Firstly because I’ve argued more than once that Crowley is an unreliable narrator when it comes to his human life. What we know of it from Rowena comes with an agenda, and what we know of it from Gavin comes from a man who had a difficult relationship with his father. It’s about as reliable as young Dean telling stories to Sammy about their parents’ time together. And there’s canonical errors in this monologue to back that up – we know Crowley wasn’t buried in a pauper’s grave, because we saw it 6x04. The “dying in a puddle of his own sick” is a great detail in terms of storytelling, but it’s almost directly repeated from Rowena, who said it as a belittling comment to a young Fergus. It’s too forced. And we know at least Gavin came to the funeral, because he tells us so in a deleted scene in 12x13 (remember what I said about getting to pick and choose when it comes to cut scripts and deleted scenes?).

But more importantly – and this is the part that really grates – Crowley’s iteration of his human life reinforces the narrative of absolute morality in the spn universe. It supports the argument that if a character becomes a demon, it must be because they were a terrible person. There is no room for human flaws, for characters to have made mistakes – and that doesn’t just hinder characters in terms of backstory, but in character development and emotional growth moving forward. It’s a stance spn takes more than once, and especially with non-human characters, though never in regards to the Winchesters. The Winchesters can become soulless or demons, but they were “always good” before that, so they are deserving of redemption. If Crowley or other non-humans were “always bad,” that absolves the Winchesters from seeing them as people deserving of help, or of their ability to change, or even to be seen as beings deserving of any level of respect or agency. And it absolves the showrunners from writing a character capable of development, of being able to grow beyond their previous flaws.

That’s not to say that Fergus MacLeod wasn’t some or all of those things. But if he was a complex character – if he was a person, as all stories should aim to present their characters – then he was all of that and more, just as the Winchesters are their virtues and their faults all wrapped up in an individual person. And if Crowley had brought this up some other time, in reference to his human life, none of this discussion would be necessary. It would be easy to say: he’s an unreliable narrator, and this provides us with insight into how Crowley feels about himself, and it would be interesting and valuable. But here, it’s used in justification for Crowley’s status as irredeemable – which is not true – and as part of justification for what happens next.

Crowley’s death was written by the showrunners as an excuse to remove him from the show – attribute that to budget costs for the show, or running out of story ideas for Crowley, or creative laziness, whatever you want. And within spn, it can be attributed to Chuck not wanting another character like Cas muddling up his Winchester Brothersᵀᴹ grand narrative. I’ve written before both in posts and in fic about how Crowley’s character-central instinct for self-preservation crumbles into depression after losing Hell and the seemingly-irreversible depletion of his and Dean’s friendship in 12x23. And that this ushers in a desire to End in such a way that achieves revenge against Lucifer (not a significant motivation, in my opinion, you’ve got to outlive your enemies to win against them), earns him the appreciation of the Winchesters, saves the world (proving his capacity for good), and brings about an end to his waiting. Glory through death, redemption in death – tropes that are hard to associate with Crowley unless you buy into his character’s devolvement in the latter half of season 12, but which the writers do their best to smooth into place and the fandom was forced to choke down.

And I won’t argue that Crowley didn’t wanted an end to his waiting – I’d argue the opposite in fact. This blatant preference for suicide, however, is antithesis to everything Crowley. What Crowley wanted in that End wasn’t an end of himself, but an end to existing in a state of perpetual limbo. Be accepted by the good guys, embrace his more human aspects, or return to the full dark depravity of demonkind. An end to the emotional rollercoaster, to continuous and destructive self-doubt, to striving to be both the king Hell needed and the ally the Winchesters refused to admit they benefited from having. That’s entirely different than wanting to end himself. As much as Crowley hated himself, he would never have considered death to be a preferable option – not unless some outside force, be it Chuck or the spn showrunners, decided otherwise for him.

Even if that had been the case, and I am wrong about Crowley’s characterization and his motivations, I still do not think he would have been as open about that motivation as is written in this cut script. It is just not like him. It is too vulnerable, too self-pitying. Crowley was always concerned about the others around him, and especially the Winchesters, thinking less of him. He never would have said something like this to them, not as this is written. Nor would Crowley have gone to the Winchesters with the intention of them killing him. He might have known it was a possibility, once he confessed his actions, (and from his perspective, there was the chance the Winchesters didn’t know of his involvement in Lucifer’s escape anyway), but it would never have been his intention. It’s not unknown for Crowley to encourage abuse from those he’s wronged, and to revel in the attention and emotions of it (here I’m thinking specifically of Kevin beating him in 9x02), maybe considering the punishment just and due. And Crowley at this point likely suspected he would eventually meet his end in some way involving the Winchesters. But death by their hands in this moment would have involved none of the justifying benefits of death by his own hand only a few scenes later – glory, revenge, redemption, a sense of closure.

Compare this cut monologue and its potential death – at the hands of the Winchesters after confessing his role in Lucifer’s escape – to this cut line of dialogue from later in 12x23. “Tell Dean he was right – you bloody fools have rubbed off on me.” This is Crowley. This is emotional complexity, admittance to a change of heart, self-awareness, and a brave act of equal defiance and sacrifice, with his usual smug, snarky dismissal. This isn’t suicide brought on by depression, by an uncharacteristic vulnerability. It is resolved, determined, if reluctant. This is Crowley choosing the greater good and the boys, even if it means sacrificing himself.

For me, this small addition smooths over much of the unevenness in the showrunner’s attempts to justify Crowley’s death. He has lost Hell, he believes he’s had an irreversible falling out with Dean – all of which could be overcome, grown beyond. But then a rift opens, and Lucifer is an immediate danger, and it requires a life to save the day. Crowley knows it can’t be either of the boys – that tends to have world-ending effects – and it can’t be Mary Winchesters or Castiel, because of “Winchester man-pain.” So that leaves Crowley. And having exhausted all immediate alternatives, Crowley does what internalized Winchester logic and conscience tells him is right. It would still require a moment of hesitation, a moment we see him combatting his deeply imbedded trait of self-preservation. But at least that would have been in character and show definitive character growth on Crowley’s part.

So yes, I completely agree with the decision to cut this monologue in 12x23. It doesn’t tell us anything about Crowley that we don’t already know, and is uncharacteristic of him, and provides out-of-character justification for his actions that wasn’t needed. You don’t have to agree with me, obviously. And I’ll end this rather long rant of an essay by saying what I always say: that Crowley deserved better. He deserved better than the mangling of his character’s motivations in the latter half of season 12, and he deserved better than this monologue. I’m glad it was cut from the final script.

[finaledenialist]

Okay, your tags on The Empty Post have showed up in my notes and I have to ask. Tell me more. Tell me it all. All of the feelings and thoughts about that scene because what I’ve seen so far? Absolute perfection and I agree wholeheartedly.

Thank you! Okay I basically unloaded most of my thoughts in my tags here but let’s go through this one more time. I may add: this was already said a thousand times by better meta writers than me 3 years ago when season 13 was actually airing. And I will ramble a little about Purgatory, too. Now with that out of the way: 

The Empty. Canonically it is a being, a living immortal being that rules the place or an ‘anti-place’ where angels and demons go are sent to when they die to dream of their regrets forever (this sounds awful and like a punishment for dying despite being immortal, for getting themselves killed or something). Also: the Empty was there before Creation, the Nothingness before Darkness and before Light. 

Okay. But let’s see what other things the Empty represents: lack of anything. Complete nothingness that Cas got sucked into (by Lucifer but also by helping the Winchesters). Now we know that Cas‘I am afraid I might kill myself’tiel had his issues, right (I still can’t believe that we are praising 8x08 thee Hunteri Heroici for being a filler episode with Cas - which is awesome, don’t get me wrong - but we all keep forgetting what he actually did say to Dean there!!! Dean says: are you afraid the angels will kill you if you show up in Heaven? And Cas looks straight into his eyes and says: After all I’ve done, when I see Heaven, I am afraid I might kill myself).

Please remember that it’s not only Dean, Mr. ‘Purgatory was pure’. Cas, after all he did in season 6, after his death in s7, after coming back and being literally haunted by everything he’s done, must have felt that Purgatory was liberating, too. It was some kind of an Alternative Universe where he didn’t have to face the consequences of his actions. He was free of them. It was literally his escape AND additionally it was (well, according to good old christian lore, maybe not specifically spn lore) a place where you are supposed to atone for your sins so there must have been the feeling of atoning, of making things right without actually doing anything specific, where having to survive and not get eaten by the Leviathans was his main problem (= surviving was just enough, nothing was asked of him), which, compared to all he’s done, wasn’t that hard or difficult. He found himself running away from Leviathans which could mirror running away from consequences of his actions - but it was Purgatory, it was at the same time atoning for what he did. It was EASY.

Cas basically confirms that he officially stayed in Purgatory because he didn’t think he deserved to go back to Earth and that is true but what he doesn’t say is: ‘Purgatory was pure and easy and kill or be killed and no other worries than that, no thinking, no real responsibilities which actually was a nice escape from the real world after all I did and been through in the past 3 years’. He wanted out, he wanted an easy choice. Okay, maybe he wasn’t actively looking for an easy way out but when it presented itself - when they appeared in Purgatory - he took it like a gift. We’re talking about a character who spent all his life following orders, who finally broke free and found himself completely lost in the freedom of choices, directionless and maybe wanted an escape. He must have felt overwhelmed but all this freedom (which he basically confirms in 6x20 freedom is a length of rope and god wants you to hang yourself with it). I COMPLETELY understand that choice to escape. 

So in seasons 8-12 Cas has a lot of stuff going on in his head, he gets lobotomized for most of season 8, he is hurt and tortured and treated like shit for most of season 9 and 10 and he ultimately gives himself up to Lucifer in s11 and then he almost dies in 12x12 and he never really got to talk about all of this or work this things out with anyone because Sam or Dean are not really the most talkative guys and Dean in 10x09 basically tells Cas to ‘let it go and not think about it’ which is a shitty advice to someone who suffers from some mental issues if I am being honest (this is like. ur depressed? oh go for a run and smile and stop being sad!!! kind of advice if you ask me). So these issues only grow and grow and start eating him up and please remember that at the very same time Cas is falling in love. I said it previously but I think the moment he realizes what he really feels is 12x12 when he is dying. In that moment he is able to name this feeling but it’s of course covered by: ‘I love you. I love all of you’. 

Now in season 12 he finally gets a proper arc with Kelly (god bless her, honestly, she and Cas had one of the most healthy relationships ever portrayed on tv and it wasn’t even romantic, I could go off about this but it’s getting really long anyway). So he kind of is on his way to find a purpose again - Dean is saved (from hell, from Michael, from the Mark), so he focuses on Kelly and unborn Jack and maybe in his relationship with her he rediscovers love (not necessarily romantic but he sees how she loves Jack) and he does all he can to protect her from basically everyone including the Winchesters. And he promises he will take care of Jack and then. Then he is killed by Lucifer (shattered at the altar of Winchester because he gets involved in the Apocalypse World because of them while having built something for himself with Kelly and Jack BUT still not having properly processed all his previous trauma). 

Okay, so fast forward: Cas is woken up by Jack in the Empty. He is of course confused and stuff (we still don’t know what was he dreaming about all this time he spent there now that we know this is a place where angels and demons dream about their mistakes and regrets <- fanfiction gap #1). He wakes up, he is ‘greeted’ by the Empty and one of the first things he says is that he has to go back because Sam and Dean need him. 

This is his first, automatic thought - I (probably) don’t want to go back, but Sam and Dean need me so I have to, I don’t want to go back for myself because I never wanted to since Purgatory but I know I have to. He doesn’t even think about Jack in this moment. I... maybe it is a stretch but I sense a kind of fear in these words. It’s like he thinks: ‘if I had the chance to come back and chose not to come back from selfish reasons then if the Winchesters ever find out about this they will be angry at me’. But I might be reading too much into this, but on the other hand Jesus fucking Christ this is precisely what happened in Purgatory. He chose to stay although he had a chance to return and the effect was Dean being mad at him. Talk about trauma--

Then the Empty (who was in Cas’ mind) voices his biggest fears: 

'I know who you love, I know what you fear. There is nothing for you back there. Wouldn't you rather be a fond memory than a constant festering disappointment?'

There is a lot to unpack here because this is the Empty’s (who, as stated at the beginning can be read as a manifestation of not only death but also Cas’ depression and self-worth issues) reaction to Cas saying that Sam and Dean need him. She says: uh oh you’re wrong<3 I know who you love, what you fear, the is nothing there for you, sweetie. Essentially: they don’t need you. No one needs you or wants you there. They are better off without you. Wouldn’t you rather be a fond memory (of actually being useful as in: saving Dean from hell, helping to stop the Apocalypse, helping to fight the Leviathans) than a disappointment (failing powers, makes mistake after a mistake, chooses to protect the unborn Antichrist rather than killing him before he’s born - and not to make this whole thing worse but this is what Dean has the audacity to say to Cas in 15x03: why if something goes wrong it always seem to be you).

I will now allow myself for some privacy, because I am a person who dealt with these kind of thoughts in my head for years, these are straight up suicidal thoughts: no one needs you, no one wants you, you are a disappointment and if you die you will be fondly remembered, everyone is better off without you. And we know Cas was suicidal because he literally tells us in 8x08 and we have no proof that he somehow got rid of these thoughts, ever. If anything, they were always there, present, if not growing. Thoughts like that don’t just disappear. Please remember one more time what was happening to Cas in seasons 8-11. He wasn’t healing. He was getting worse, while all this time managing to keep his head above water for someone else, while the guilt was rising and rising. 

If the Empty represents all his issues: depression, suicidal thoughts, guilt, self-hate, lack of self-worth, and what she offers is: eternal sleep. Maybe not entirely peaceful sleep, but sleep nevertheless, no consequences, no facing your fears, no dealing with anything, an escape, sleep - 

And she prompts him to stop fighting, to go back to sleep because there is nothing to fight for (now the symbolism of him being waken up by JACK who was his new found purpose just before he got killed), but she makes a mistake to confront his thoughts and fears with him. She makes a mistake of taking a ‘physical’ form, putting on his face and voice his fears. And Cas is a warrior and he kind of hates himself, so his instinct was to fight. Of course it was easier not to think about all of these stuff at all, to push it back, to try to forget. But once he was forced to face all of these? He fought back. AND HE WON!!!!! 

WHAT A MESSAGE TO SEND RIGHT?!!! You might have all these issues and not want to face them because you feel you will crush under them but look: when you are forced to face them it turns out you are somehow way stronger than them!!! The moment you choose to fight you already won, you are already saved!!! Because ultimately these are your thoughts and this is your mind and you control it, no one else! The moment you decide, you choose, to take control: you win. You are saved because you chose to save yourself because you decided you are worth saving. And the Empty (and everything she represents) immediately gets angry and lets him go, ultimately annoyed because he dared to defy her and she just can’t win with someone who decides he wants to be free. WHAT. 👏🏻  A.  👏🏻 WONDERFUL. 👏🏻  MESSAGE.  👏🏻

So... Having said all that. There is only one thing left: I have NO IDEA. NO IDEA. HOW HE FOUND THE STRENGTH. TO STAND UP AND SAY THIS:

I'm already saved. You can prance and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I'm awake. And I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane. I will fight you. Fight you and fight you for... ever. For eternity.

A FUCKING ICON. STRONGEST CHARACTER EVER. YOUR FAVE COULD NEVER--

[sidecarghost]

15x18+ Spn Coda Happy Destiel Ending Fic

Dean was in a hospital bed. His eyes stared blankly at the ceiling. There were no doctors, but Sam brought him here to take advantage of the medical equipment. He found his brother like a corpse with his eyes open sitting with his back against the wall of the bunker’s dungeon.

Chuck stopped by now and then to make sure Sam and Jack still looked miserable. They had not disappointed Chuck yet.

Jack could visit Dean’s dreams, and he brought Sam too in an attempt to awaken Dean. But Dean was blind to their presence. No matter how loud they screamed, Dean couldn’t hear them. And Dean couldn’t feel them, no matter how violently they hit him.

From what Sam could tell Dean was dreaming they were working with Michael to take Chuck down. And that Jack had some kind of power vacuum ability. Michael and Lucifer were throwing fireballs at eachother like a couple kids having a snowball fight. Lucifer somehow snapped Death out of existence, and now they had a pet dog running around the Bunker.

“It’s not supernatural, Sam,” Jack said. “I can’t fix him.”

“I know,” Sam held his brother’s hand and watched the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest. “That Heaven he is stuck in is so depressing though Jack. Jeez I can’t believe our dad is there with him. John definitely didn’t deserve to go to Heaven after the shit he pulled. Then Dean was talking like he was an actor from the AU where our lives were a tv show on that bridge. It’s just so bizarre I wish we could ease his mind.”

“Me too, but what can we do?” Jack asks.

“Something must have happened to Cas,” Sam says, “Dean keeps starting the same dream over and over telling the dream us that Cas saved him. By summoning the Empty somehow.”

“Cas had made a deal with the Empty. Maybe that let him summon the Empty here,” Jack said. Sam raised an eyebrow in question, so Jack explained the terms of the deal to Sam. The deal was a contract to save Jack’s soul, and the Empty would wait until Cas was happy and then strike him down and drag him away.

“So maybe the Empty has something to do with Dean going catatonic,” Sam says.

Sam and Jack watch the still body of Dean in the hospital bed.

They were the last three souls on an empty planet.

~~

Jack started performing the ritual he had seen Nick do to summon Lucifer from the Empty.

As the spell finished, Cas and Billie, emerged through a portal from the Empty.

Sam was surprised to see Billie and after glancing towards Jack it looked like he was too.

“Jack!” Cas hugged Jack and then Sam. “Hello Sam, where’s Dean?”

“He’s gone into a coma Cas,” Sam tells Cas. “We found him sitting against the bunker’s dungeon wall, and he hasn’t been responsive since then.”

“We have business Castiel,” Billie tells the angel.

“Billie, the CE, and I have decided Chuck needs to be stopped, and we have put aside our differences for the time being,” Cas says. “Jack can you help Billie with whatever she needs. Sam, show me where Dean is.”

Jack and Billie find Chuck and use a powerful spell that Billie learned from the CE to free Amara so she becomes the dominant form and Chuck is left trapped inside her mind for safe keeping. Amara snaps her fingers and the Rapture is undone. The world is full of noise once more as people and animals once again appear as though they had never left.

Amara tells Billie and Jack that she needs to leave and work to get Heaven fixed. Now that she understands light and darkness she is confident she can restore what her brother left broken. And she has ideas that may help the CE in the Empty too.

Billie thanks Jack for his help and leaves to restore order to her library and her reapers.

~~

Meanwhile, Sam took Cas to the hospital room. Dean was still staring at the ceiling. Cas walked up and cupped Dean’s face in his hand.

“Hello Dean,” Cas says softly staring down into the blank eyes of the man he loves.

Dean remained motionless. And a moment later Cas appeared in Dean’s dream.

Cas looked around and saw he was at a gas station. Dean was carrying a dog towards the Impala.

“Who would think finding a dog would be a miracle?” Cas overhears Dean tell the canine.

“Dean!” Cas yells.

Dean looks up, but he doesn’t see Cas. He looks right through Cas to something across the street. Cas turns and sees Chuck standing there laughing like a lunatic. The dog disappears in a puff of smoke.

Cas can’t get Dean’s attention. He runs up to Dean, but Dean can’t see him. He yells at Dean, but Dean can’t hear him. He punches Dean, but Dean can’t feel him.

Cas attempts to burn down the church where Michael is hiding but no one reacts to the raging inferno. They keep talking about some plan to defeat Chuck.

“Stop Dean!” Cas yells “Its not Chuck. Michael would be dead Chuck isn’t going to be fooled by some human house of worship.”

Dean is in the bunker, and Cas follows him through his dream never leaving his side. Dean hears the phone ring and answers “Cas!”

Cas wonders if he’s about to meet his dream self. He wonders if dream Cas is going to be taller. Cas watched Dean sprint up the stairs to meet him at the bunker door. And he sees Lucifer?

Well at least Lucifer is an enemy they have confidently beaten before. Cas ignores dream Lucifer and starts looking through the lore while dream Michael and dream Lucifer engage in some embarrassing snowball fight. Cas tries to tune it out while he searching desperately for something in the library that could help Dean’s condition.

Suddenly they are all at the side of a lake. Chuck killed Michael. And now he was beating the snot out of Sam and Dean. Cas tried to put his body as a shield between Chuck and the Winchester’s but no one was affected by his presence. Cas screamed in bitterness and frustration, but no one paid attention to him. Jack walked over and knocked Chuck down. Cas was relieved that Dean wasn’t getting hit anymore.

They got into the Impala and drove to some town. Jack made people appear and then Jack disappeared. Sam and Dean drove to the bunker. Dean drank himself to sleep and Cas watched over him.

The brothers started working a case and Cas watched in horror as a vampire in a mask pushed Dean into a spike.

Cas couldn’t watch Dean die not even in a dream. Cas grabbed his angel blade and slit his own throat. Cas was cutting his grace out. He hoped that if Dean had angel grace he’d snap out of it. Cas began to feel light headed from the quick drop in power.

Cas knelt down on the barn floor. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Dean smiling at him. The dream vampires and dream Sam all had disappeared. Cas and Dean were alone in the dark barn. Dean looked unhurt to Cas.

“Cas, why are you hurt?” Dean asked.

“You are in a coma Dean. I couldn’t wake you, and I thought angels don’t sleep. So I wanted to give you my grace,” Cas said.

Dean knelt down beside Cas, and put Cas’s hand to his own neck. “Heal yourself Cas!” Dean said with worry furrowed on his brow.

“I can’t Dean. I gave it all. I’m human now.” Cas smiled. Cas knew his situation was dire and now he’d bleed out. But he got to see his Dean again, and he couldn’t help from smiling. “I thought I lost you. Dean, does this barn remind you of the night we met?”

“Forget about the memories Cas. I want the real you. I’ve been stuck in this dream over and over. And I knew if I could just find you I’d snap out of it. You can’t leave buddy. We just found each other again. I thought you were gone forever. Because you never told me goodbye before,” Dean whispers to Cas. Dean puts his own hand over Cas’s throat and to his surprise his hand glows and Cas’s throat is healed.

“Cas, what the fuck?” Dean asks Cas.

“Uhh, you have my grace so now you have angelic powers.” Cas tells Dean.

“I don’t want them, Cas. Can I give them back? How do I fix this?” Dean asks. Dean stands up and offers Cas his hand to help him up.

“There is nothing to fix, Dean. I don’t need those powers anymore. I’d like to live a human life.” Cas looks at Dean.

“Cas, I think losing you. It broke something inside me. Everytime I lose you it gets harder for me to recover. When you pulled me out of Hell, I was torturing souls and I enjoyed it. Ever since then I’ve been barely keeping it together. I close my eyes and see myself ripping limbs off of humans with a smile on my face. Cas, you are the only one that knows that and still loves me. You have seen me at my worst and love me for me.” Dean tells Cas.

“Who you were then, that’s not who you are now. That doesn’t define you,” Cas says. “You—” Dean leans in to kiss Cas on the lips. Then Dean pulls back and looks at Cas. Cas appears totally astonished, and Dean smiles at Cas because he’s beautiful and amazing.

“I love you, Cas. I never believed in angels or a greater power before we met. I only believed in the things I could see. But then I met you Cas. You gave up Heaven, and everything you had ever known because you believed in doing the right thing. You believed in us. You fought for us.” Dean said, “You are more than an angel to me. You are my Cas.” Dean wraps his arms around Cas. “Cas, can we get out of here?”

“Yes Dean, you just need to wake up,” Cas says.

~~

Cas blinks and is back in the hospital with Dean and Sam. The hospital also has nurses and technicians walking along the hallways.

“Hey Cas! It looks like the Rapture got reversed.” Sam looks at Cas. “Um... any luck with Dean?”

“Yes Sam, actually Dean was the one that pulled me out of the dream,” Cas said.

“Oh wow really?” Sam walked over to the side of Dean’s bed and leaned over to see if there was any change in Dean. Dean’s eyes were still open and looking on the ceiling. Then Sam felt an arm grab his shoulder and shake him, and Sam found himself flinching involuntarily.

“Got you!” Dean laughed.

“Go to hell,” Sam rolled his eyes and then leaned in to hug his brother.

Dean hopped out of bed, and asked Sam if he could borrow his knife. Sam nods and hands his brother his blade. Then Sam announces he has a text from Eileen, and he’ll be back in a bit.

“Where’s Jack?” Dean asks.

“Here I am,” Jack appears in the room. An orderly screams. “Oh don’t worry I’m a magician, and that was part of my magic act,” Jack tells the frightened orderly.

Dean grabs a specimen cup out of a drawer and slices his neck. The grace drips into the specimen cup. After it’s filled Dean replaces the lid on the jar.

“Dean, I meant it before I don’t want my grace back,” Cas says.

Jack reaches out to heal Dean’s neck. “Here Jack can you keep this in a pocket dimension for safe keeping?” Dean hands Jack the jar.

Jack nods his head and disappears. Another orderly screams but the first orderly explains it’s part of a magic act.

“I’m glad you still don’t want your grace,” Dean walks over to Cas and reaches out to hold his hands. “I’m ready to try new things. The stress of hunting has been wearing me down. I’m running on adrenaline and I am barely coping anymore. I’m too tired to feel anything but anger most of the time. I want to find some peace, and I’d like to grow old with you Cas.”

“And I’d like to grow old with you, Dean Winchester.” Cas says.

They share a kiss and then another. “Dean if we’re still in your coma, I don’t want to wake up,” Cas says.

“No Cas, we’re not dreaming. This is real. We’re real,” Dean tells Cas while punctuating the answer with kisses under his jawline. “And now that we have each other, nothing can drag us apart.”

[naruhearts]

@7faerielights STOP I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING!

But seriously. All of this ^^

And it is, in basically every respect, Dean’s love language: spending quality time together.

It’s about the beer, the bacon, the burrito, shared within the context of Dean’s heart, just like eating pizza and watching movies with his best friend is the most meaningful.

Jack the exposition and TFW’s unifying Reflection told Dean “It’s like I’m you,” and then we had these wonderfully poignant moments pushing back Dean’s performance: exposing the core of his heart wrapped up in the walls of trauma, guilt, and crippled self-process. Dean sees his Free Self, who is waiting...encouraging him to let go and live life to the fullest.

x

His Free Self is starting to break the water’s surface — has been doing so this entire cathartic S14 narrative of looking in the mirror (actively hammered down in 14x04/5/6).

Dean’s realizing that yes, life may not be all these big, amazing moments. There’s numerous valleys of pain, horror and death. But there’s also numerous rivers of optimism and joy (hello to the river they visited in this episode. It pretty much re-consolidated SPN’s Rebirth/New Beginning themes carrying over from S12: a baptism of the self and interpersonal relations). Family and friendship. Faith and love. He simply needs to cast his line, catch the fish Cas, and pull it out of water for good aka make the dreams, wants, and desires reality.

Sure progress, guys!! *thumps table*

Heck, as @thetwistedwillow pointed out, Dean’s initial offer to head out to a potential hookup bar was a foil for Jack the Non-Performative mirror of Dean: the wingman move winking at the old (DYING) remnants of his John-polished performativity and calling back to Dean bringing newly minted Cas to the brothel in Free to Be You and Me, in that the night took an unexpectedly not-salacious but sentimental turn. That night, Dean hasn’t laughed so hard in years, even with his own brother.

8 years later, Jack knew what Dean’s heart truly wanted. He felt it. Jack rejected the hookup offer precisely because — just last episode — he perceived Dean’s natural tune. It was casual sex, shacking up, and adios (yes postmodernmulticolouredcloak) no longer. It was romance and courting before dating, which involved emotional exploration and ding ding ding, spending time together (also both on the familial and romantic levels -> BEING THERE with Dean: the key gesture conveying that he deeply matters to you, and you matter to him). Jack wanted the same thing, too.

It all comes full circle. Free to be you and me indeed, since Dean’s almost free of John’s ghost, as a father, brother, and husband. We’ll be here to witness his complete emancipation.

unhuman nature ↳ who would’ve thought hanging out with me would make you sentimental?

[naruhearts]

Has anyone made a gif of dean smiling and then saying “sounds like a good friend” :D hi anon! m-ch-llv. tumblr. com / post / 179755896012

AH thank you @m-ch-llv!!! Superb work!

*Warning: rambles ahead*

Listen.

My hand’s over my heart, because yes, the show went there. They went out of their way to inject Dean and Dirk’s Reflective scene with this, conveying Dean’s precise REACTION to Dirk and Stuart’s relationship, regardless of its unsaid, explicitly implicit parallel nature. Perez was poking us here, knocking at our noggins to fill in the (ever [sub]textually obvious) blanks, fill in the CONTEXT, and oh gosh, oh golly, we have eyes, we have brains, and we have ears, and they all immediately deemed this expression as undeniable onscreen—as a visual narrative treasure, because we just know Jensen Dean is thinking about him.

The sparkle in his eyes, palpable and soft. His mouth lifts in that ever-familiar way. It’s Dean’s fondness: a tender-imbued smile—one we recognize, since we’ve seen it (or similar iterations of it) many times before.

Just like the miniature bar, Dean recalls that ‘everything’ about watching movies and eating pizza is ‘honourable’.

And Dean catches himself in front of an external/third party. He breaks out of the headspace of his Home, where eating pizza and watching movies with his own best friend comprises his favourite moments...where eating pizza and watching movies with Cas sustains Dean’s sense of safety, security, and comfort x :’)

(14x04 gif credit: x)

“Sounds like a good friend”, indeed.

The good friend who let Dean “crash at his place” vice versa—who always seemed to know what Dean needed, but still had—and up to this day, has—no idea what Dean wanted (and strongly continues to want).

Both Dean and Cas persistently lack any idea as to what the other WANTS/NEEDS. Thus, the translation of their (love) languages must occur.

But well, one thing’s for certain: Dirk/Dean will be there when Stuart/Cas wakes...wakes and grows into the Self he freely chooses to be, vice versa.

And this awakening, in itself, is one of Mint Condition’s main narrative tenets relative to S14’s recurring theme(s) of Love, Family and Trauma Recovery: a fresh perspective. It’s the brand-new lens, rectifying the old. It’s the chance for Dean and Cas to reinvent, re-appreciate, and reposition what they currently know about themselves and their Profound bond —> learning the right interpersonal construction, via Dirk and Stuart the Expositional Mirrors, of what IS good and what CAN BE good for them.

They complete each other.

They save each other.

Full interdependent circle.

And hey, I think I’m allowed to sound gooey-pizza-cheesy seeing as Perez’s GOLDEN 14x04 recapitulated the most cliché horror tropes with mirror tropes, then HURLED layer after multifaceted layer of (sub)text at our faces in the process before we could even recover, and oh no I’m falling asleep while writing this so yeah

[amwritingmeta]

Hello, so I wached the last episode at last and there is something that I foud kinda odd. I don't know if it's because Dean went all 180 on his mood and I was more focused on it but I feel like Cas didn't change at all. Do you think that this is the final post Empty version of him or it might change? Thank you :)

Hello, my lovely Nonny!

Wonderful that you got a chance to watch 13x06 (did you watch 13x07 as well?) - so many good bits in it, I thought! And this is a great question. 

When it comes to Dean doing a 180 in his mood this is, of course, tied in with the grieving period he’s just gone through because of losing Cas. The mood change helps underline in the boldest blackest marker ever that this grief and everything linked to this grief had to do with Cas - not losing Mary, Crowley or all the other people they’ve lost over the seasons somehow compiling to now bring on this period of deep grief - no, it was losing Cas that broke him and drained him of the ability to have faith. Yes? Yes. 

So getting the source of hope and faith back should put a spring in his step. And boy did it! :) 

We haven’t seen Cas mourn or miss Dean because we know, through dialogue with empty!Cas, that Cas is still focused on getting back to Dean (who he loves). What we see Cas go through - instead of being pulled into depression the way Dean is - is actually facing and letting go of depression. He needed a win for Dean and for himself in 12x19, and by confronting empty!Cas and annoying his way to freedom Cas secures that double win, because his freedom means clearing himself of his depression, and his returning to Dean means clearing Dean of his.

But how does Dean greet Cas? Cas hasn’t seen a single moment of Dean’s grief and Dean embraces him and calls him “pal” and it’s all so par for the course that the disappointment and frown-y face on Cas for most of the episode is so understandable. 

He’s very much the S12 version of Cas, right? He knows he loves Dean and he’s becoming more and more sure that Dean will never be able to own up to feeling the same. (because I’m starting to come over to the camp who thinks that Cas must at least have some inkling that the longing he’s felt from Dean is more than just brotherly love) (and Cas knows not to push Dean) (so he’s just waiting for Dean to catch up) (but he’s been waiting a long damn time now)

So all of this said, I hope there will be one final change. See, Dean is changing, right? He’s facing himself, he’s ridding himself of his idealistic view on toxic masculinity by being confronted by versions of it - all of them wearing some sort of mask - over and over again in every single episode so far this season. So Dean is taking steps towards letting go of this ideal and facing himself, freeing himself and finally enabling himself to let go of his need for control, to trust and open himself up to happiness. He’s shedding his performance.

Does Cas have an equivalent? Is Cas performing? These characters are such perfect mirrors of each other and share so many core traits that, in all sensibility, Cas should be. And I believe he is. I’m pro human!Cas all the way and, to me, Cas’ grace has always been the equivalent of Dean’s walls, Dean’s mask, Dean’s way of making sense of the world and of himself. 

The grace is what has given Cas meaning and direction and purpose, his powers are what has made him feel righteous and self-assured because they tied him to Heaven, to his roots and his family, to what makes him him. But his grace blinds out his true identity, makes him feel unsure of his feelings, makes him hesitate and second guess himself, makes him vulnerable to manipulation and has left him wide open to the depression that took hold in S11. Because what is Cas’ biggest fear?

I would say it’s to be completely powerless, unable to help.

(it’s why he made the choice to swallow Theo’s grace in S9)

Does Cas have to shed his grace to be with Dean? Does he have to be human to reach endgame? I would say, narratively, yes. (without meaning to upset anyone!)  

Cas has opened Dean up to change because Dean is in love with Cas, and unless Dean changes, unless he dares to trust that Cas loves him back and they can have a future together, unless Dean loses his need for control (which is the core trait of his toxic masculinity) Dean cannot reach his endgame - self-liberation. And he will not get the reward, which is a long and happy life with the man he loves. 

If these men are such perfect mirrors, it stands to reason that the exact same rules of reaching endgame apply to Cas. Right?

Dean has opened Cas up to change because Cas is in love with Dean and Dean loves Cas for who he is - not what he can do - and unless Cas can understand that his biggest fear is unfounded and he is powerful in himself, unless he can recall his stint as a human not for the failure of getting captured and tortured, but for the BAMF moment when he manipulated Theo into letting him go, unless he can move forward letting go of the fear and daring to be himself, the him he knows, deep down, he was always meant to be (with or without Dean, Dean is just the catalyst for Cas following through on this choice, as Cas is for Dean, because love story), if Cas fails to let go of that flag of Heaven he’s draped himself in, Cas cannot reach his endgame - self-liberation. And he will not get the reward, which is a long and happy life with the man he loves.

So with all this said my short answer to whether I think we’ll get another version of Cas after the Empty is both yes and no. 

No because I think Cas is very much Cas at the moment, especially because he’s more humanised than even in S12. He’s been very emotive with Jack, he’s been smiling more (it makes me meeeelt) and we’ve been given some great insights into how Cas and Dean relate to each other in all those empty spaces in the narrative. 

But I’d also say Yes, because I have a hope we’ll see not just a humanised version of Cas, but actual human!Cas, and human!Cas was sassy and sure of himself (by 9x09) and went for what he wanted, flirting up a storm with Dean and inserting himself into an investigation because, to my mind, he’d decided that’s the life he’d choose for himself and since the choice was his he wasn’t going to let Dean Winchester tell him that it wasn’t his fight anymore, that he should go live his life away from him and from danger. Because Cas would rather die a hundred times than live a whole lifetime away from Dean. Oh yes the romance of it all. :P

So Yes because we need this ^^^ final version and inner balanced Cas, just as we need a final version and inner balanced Dean, for them to have reached their mirrored endgames, which will move them into the reward portion.

But that’s how I read this narrative, my dudes, and I don’t know how they’ll deliver or what they want to give us and not give us or how they’ll build this slow burn towards the end. Hell, we don’t even know the timeline here, no matter how much I feel they’re totally going balls out all over!

And what these boys need first and foremost is honesty and open (goddamn) communication. I do believe it’s on the horizon…

Okay that was a lot of thoughts on that very simple question that could’ve taken a couple of paragraphs to answer, but I hope this clears up why I’d say yes and no. :D

Thanks for asking!!

xx

[missjackil]

Time for Some Dean Meta

I don’t normally meta on Dean, but I think he has a whole lot going on and I want to share my thoughts on it.  Ill start with my theory as to why he is content on counting Mom as dead, and why he burnt Cas’s body. I feel like he feels done with the whole dying and coming back to life thing. Ill flash back to when Bobby’s wife came back from the dead, and Bobby had to kill her after a few days. While she was on the pyre, Sam says “Wll you got to spend a few more days with her, that must have been nice” and Bobby said “It makes this about 1000 times worse” I feel like thats where Dean’s head might be at. If theyre gone, let them be gone forever, so I never have to do this again.  Along with that, he needs to blame someone, and Jack is getting the brunt of it. Jack didn’t kill Cas, Lucifer did, but Jack is Lucifers son, which makes him guilty in Dean’s eyes. So now everything thats happened since LOTUS and everyone theyve lost is because of Jack, or at least that’s how Dean is seeing it right now. So now we move on to 13x3 and Dean is even more harsh than he had been. He even went as far as to accuse Sam of using Jack for his own needs and pretending he cares. Of everything in the last 3 episodes, this here is what I find most OOC  If anyone knows Sam doesn’t pretend to care. if he shows care, it is because he genuinely cares. In fact, in 13x2, Dean told Sam he’s getting too attached, so he knows Sam cares and maybe cares too much. So why this accusation? My thoughts below the cut 

I feel as though Dean is projecting onto Sam what he is realizing in himself. With Cas, Mom, and even Crowley, Dean only called them when he needed something. In the 9 yrs he’s been friends with Cas, I dont think he ever spent time with him, just to spend time with him, outside S5 when he wouldnt let him die a virgin, and that “You’re our brother Cas” talk with him in S11.He would call Cas when he needed help with a fight, or Sam was sick, or missing, maybe call him when they need to be healed, but never just to hang out. Crowley and Dean werent friends in that capacity, but Dean always had a soft spot for him, even early on when Sam wanted to kill him as soon as look at him, Dean would be the one to calm Sam down. By S10, and Demon Dean, they had some weird frienemy thing, but still, Dean would call him if he needed him. Mom was the same actually, Dean was angry and uncomfortable when she was being anything but his mother.  The drunk angel in 13X1 told him he was “Becky” someone who uses people and their things, and breaks everything and thinks its ok because its his/her world. Honestly, i dont think Dean means to do this at all. I just think he gets caught up in whats going on that he gets self obsorbed. However it has been mentioned a couple times throughout these later seasons, mostly by Crowley, that The Winchesters have a habit of using people, then they end up dead when they dont need them anymore. Thats really not a correct assumption, but it would appear to an outsider that they do this. But dont think for a minute that either Dean or Sam wouldnt be there ASAP if you need them. They definitely would. But even in the case of Benny, once Dean was topside, they only communicated if Benny needed Dean, or in the case where Benny was suspected to have killed people. Dean finally used Benny to save Sam when trapped in Purgatory.  Of all the relationships Dean has had, his relationship with Sam stands out. He’s the one person Dean likes to do things with. He calls him constantly, they enjoy hanging out together, they both want to retire together, or die together, and well into their 30s, they want to live together. On that same note though, Dean takes his hostilities out on Sam. Seasons 11 and 12 seemed to have ended that but we see now, it hasnt gone too far. My opinion as to why Dean gets so hostile with Sam, we need to go back to Seasons 1 and 2. They argue amd bicker through S1 but its pretty benign and theyre both dishing it out. In S2, its different, its more Dean losing his temper. I think, when John died, Dean wanted to take up where they left off with the family business, but expected Sam to fall in line like he did. Sam is fine with Dean leading the hunts, but he isnt gonna let Dean lead every aspect of his life, and there wont be any “yessir” I think this hurts Dean. Not so much that he cant make Sam do what he says all the time, but because he himself always did what Dad said, and he didnt have to.  If you listen to Sam explaining Dean to Jack, you can understand why Sam still thinks the world of him dispite the anger and hostility. He knows Dean means well but he gets scared, angry, frustrated, and his wires get crossed. This doesnt prevent Sam from being insecure at times, he knows Dean loves him.  Im not into demonizing either brother, or excusing all their behavior. They do definitely have a psychotic, irrational co dependency, and right now theyre very frustrated with each other. We saw Sam reading Drama and the Gifted Child, and having it turned to Depression and Grandiosity, two points of denial, On the surface it appears to be for Jack, but I bet he’s taking it in for Dean as well. Maybe 12x4 and the trip to the Family Therapist will do them all some good.  A girl can dream :)

[naruhearts]

*rises from my sniffly coma*

Oooo @dimples-of-discontent so, @thedogsled and I have been bouncing thoughtsy thoughts back and forth in the past week about this (while we work on our meta segment for Profound Zine 😉), because YEAH, it’s been quite apparent since S12—then early S13 onwards—that Dean and Cas’ life courses are (and continue to) converging. They’re running ever-parallax to each other at this point; S13 = S4-11 reminiscent, where bad decisions, low self-worth and miscommunication are concerned.

Each death, both literal and metaphorical, pushes them closer to their self-focused emancipations.

In the same vein of Mirror themes, Dean and Cas are each other’s broken mirrors. They reflect their respective stories. Cas is grieving like Dean, ‘pulling out all the stops’. S12 begins with a mother’s resurrection and ends with a mother’s death and parental abandonment of the children (Jack). S13 begins with the obvious: grieving absentee father/John-figure Dean and avoidant attitudes that allow for eventual self-introspection efforts e.g. 13x04, yet Dean doesn’t properly deconstruct his traumas, especially from his time in Hell, watching his loved ones (and Loved One) die etc. Dean attempts to sacrifice himself. To stay dead. His internalized sense of failure and uselessness, like S6/7 Cas, induces his nihilism. This narrative soon segues into Cas being raised from his own perdition, and numerous visual/plot callbacks re: Lazarus Rising occur e.g. Cas finds a phone booth to notify Dean that he’s alive. He finds his family again. There’s disbelief. Then during their reunion, there’s tangible relief and joy and (romantic, versus 4x01’s familial) love, flourishing onscreen. Welcome home.

But Cas still carries the traumas of his past. He, like Dean, has been reborn, and he has improved, and he is more communicatively open, and he killed the epitomized extremism of his angelic humanity-less nature: AU!Cas (possibly another symbolic rebirth), and he’s no longer severely depressed a la S11, but his feelings of expendability remain. The complete translation of love languages between him and Dean falls short.

Dean, in return, withdraws. He is STUCK in his depressive mindset, and although Cas’ return drastically alleviated his nihilistic depression, it has not eliminated his pre-existing depression since S1. No healthy psychological trauma unload has taken place. Indeed, Dean’s mostly let go of toxic brodependency, and he’s letting go of performativity, letting go of all of his repressive walls e.g. Scoobynatural, yet to him, Cas’ death and Sam’s death, despite them living again, are still proof of his failures. Losing people is ubiquitous as a hunter: a casualty and a SADLY twisted perk of the job, but Dean has internalized these losses. He thinks it’s his fault, which shows us that he listened to the 1x05 mirror’s reflection of Mary Worthington accusing him of leading people to their deaths.

Dean feels useless. Uselessness = failure *claps @thedogsled on the back*

He lacks self-preservation. He doesn’t value himself enough to care about what happens to him. He doesn’t matter. His family matters. They must live because they are worthy of living, not him. Thus, when Sam and Jack’s lives are threatened, he chooses to offer himself.

(Yes, in order to achieve true self-actualization he must tackle the last obstacle, John Winchester, by “dying”, saying Yes to his antithesis Michael, but I’ve discussed this a lot and of course I assume you know what I mean!! Dean Winchester must die so he can live)

Taking Dean’s recent life course into consideration *rubs hands together* this is where he’s at now. His self-perceived uselessness and failure internalization, like S11 Cas, were the catalysts for his Bad Decision of All Bad Decisions. Dean Winchester said Yes, after years of saying No, of not bending over backwards for anybody (except one angel). In terms of character development, he had to. Final regression before final progression.

And now we are HERE. It’s led to this. Full circle narrative. Michael!Dean (albeit Dean’s body being used against his will), like S7 Cas, wants to purge! He wants a New World Order. And our desperate Cas, in S7 Dean’s shoes, is running against the clock. Their circumstances are swapped.

Michael!Dean would also want spunky Anael’s powers (and to hush people’s worries, no, I don’t believe he’ll divert to sexual means of interaction with her. Archangel dude’s too obsessed with power, self-righteousness and skewed wrath (sprinkled with delusions of grandeur) to give into carnal desire. Lust is sin. He is “ANTI-SIN”. Don’t even get me started on the non-consensual bric-a-brac of that. Like Dimples already stated, new intimate relationships ain’t the goal here nor will they be introduced (thanks Dabb)).

Michael!Dean wants to purge by hierarchizing Heaven, Earth and Hell. It’ll get ugly! Recruiting “Supermonsters”/monster armies may make up part of his World Domination plans! It’s HIGHLY plausible, with vast repercussions (lbr, Jensen tends to spoil or hint at major plot points re: chars he portrays besides Dean. It’s probs this lol)

Michael!Dean = Godstiel.

And Cas, instead of working for Naomi as a puppet against his will, could be working with a possibly reformed but still utilitarianist Naomi on his own will so they, and the little angels left, can stop Michael. He’s S14’s Big Bad.

ALL of these things contribute to why I’m projecting that S15 is the last. Dean must kill his antithetical mirror—the personification of Duty vs Love, Papa John/Blunt Tool neglect, and angelic extremism—Michael. Once he does, final catharsis! Self-actualization! Then Cas finally rectifying his mistakes e.g. mending Heaven and ultimately facing The Decision: Human or Angel (under what situation, we don’t know yet), will tie their narratives into a bow and smooth out remaining obstacles. Full interdependence, communication, and honesty between them! Almost there, Maslow!

So it would be ABSOLUTELY cool if we see some characteristic/plot iterations of S4-11 culminating in S14, and they’d add onto years of previous Dean/Cas reflective storylines already—add onto the dual narrative direction that the writers have been steering the show towards since S7/8. A textual, endgame, and romantic Dean/Cas relationship’s in the cards. Always has been, I believe. I BELIEVE. Let’s hope TPTB + network actually DO IT.

MIRRORS, MIRRORS EVERYWHERE!

(I’m so sorry holy crap, this got longer than I thought. See?? I RAMBLE ON!)

Which is the “major spoiler” TV Guide Magazine interview?

So, apparently Jensen revealed a huge spoiler, one of the few things (according to Natalie Fisher, who writes those awesome Hypable articles) that was a “do not reveal” (DNR) to the press. I’m guessing it was that Michael is building an army of “supermonsters” AND thinks the angels are corrupt, both of which are fairly major plot points I can imagine they want to save.

I had thought perhaps it was the part about Dean being awake/aware of what’s going on during the possession, which was not a given. Many of us had speculated he’d be in some kind of dream (pleasant or unpleasant or neutral) since that’s what happened when Gadreel possessed Sam. But it’s probably not this, since that will be established pretty quickly in 14x01 and since, in fact, it’s something we could have deduced from the trailer where Michael is having a conversation with Dean while looking into the (distorting) mirror.

But the thing about building a monster army?? That’s intense. The fact that he feels like he needs to cleanse Heaven as well as earth because the angels are corrupt? Holy. Shit. Like, it could not be a more direct callback to Castiel’s arc in S6/7! Working with demons, monsters, anyone possible because Heaven itself needs to be purged. I mean, Castiel was doing it with the eye towards saving humanity (Dean) and Michael is doing it for the opposite reason, but that doesn’t make it any less of a parallel. And Dabb’s plan is to make Dean live that process through Michael? Remember how I was speculating that Castiel’s journey is going to become Dean’s and Dean’s will become Castiel’s? Whew!!

I had been speculating that Michael would enter Heaven as its new ruler, bringing that archangel power to charge it back up, and would have Sister Jo/Anael by his side (since she knows how to survive and side with the biggest player). And I’m not saying that’s not going to happen in some form, but it sounds like it’s going to be much more Michael vs. Heaven than Michael ruling Heaven. I wonder if this is why we got Naomi back? I wonder if Cas will have to work with her? Friends, I AM EXCITED for this arc!!!

One thing is for sure, I definitely don’t think the spoiler is the fact the TFW won’t be riding off into the sunset with a couple of ladies; J2 have been pretty much giving this stock response on the relationship question for years. And Jared’s decision to explicitly mention library sex is just a dig at Rich, not a hint that anyone else is getting busy any time soon. Plus it’s not like if they had any intel on Destiel-related spoilers they would ever in a million years give it away to us. So, please, no one get grumpy or freak out about those comments. Focus on the carefully-constructed parallels that mean that it’s more than possible, more than even plausible, that the writers are setting Dean and Cas up as a romantic couple. Will it happen? Not until the end is in sight. But enjoy the ride! 😉

@naruhearts @thetwistedwillow @tinkdw @amwritingmeta @elizabethrobertajones @postmodernmulticoloredcloak and, gosh, so many other people but my meta-related-braincells have atrophied on my hiatus diet of crack and JenMish candy. Anyone who wants to please join!

[queen-of-deans-booty]

Killing Me Softly

Characters: Dean x Reader, Sam

Word Count: 2,189

Warnings: mentions of suicide, attempt of suicide, I don’t go into too much detail but it’s there, bad thoughts, self hate, a lot of negativity, ANGST, a smidge of fluff if you squint

Request: Hii, could you please do a Dean x reader where the reader has a lot of suicidal thoughts, and she tries to kill herself but Dean break in and save her and then a lot of fluff and cuddle? I know it's depressed but lately it's been an horrible time and idk. Anyway, I love your fics!

Author’s Note: This one is dark, guys. I want you all to know that if you’re ever feeling low, please, my inbox is always open. I want o help you guys. If not, there are a lot of numbers you can call that will do everything they can to help you. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

If you want to be tagged, leave an ask or message and I’ll add you! Same goes for my Series Rewrite! If you want to request a fic, please send them in! I love writing what you guys want!

Feedback is always appreciated

Tags at the bottom

You weren’t ever a happy person. Yes, you’ve had those moments where you laughed and joked with people but at the end of the day, it was just you and the demons inside your head. All throughout your life, you were always compared to a better person, always judged, always feeling like you weren’t worthy enough.

You’ve tried to surround yourself with things that made you happy. For example, you tried being with Dean Winchester as much as you could. Or researching with Sam, writing little snippets of your life in your journal, going on walks, and even cooking but nothing worked.

You couldn’t stay happy for too long before the voices in your head took over.

“You’re so ugly.”

“No one wants to get to know you. You’re a horrible person.”

“Why are you still here? Sam and Dean would never love you. They want you gone.”

“It would make things a lot easier if you just ended it all.”

“You would make everyone’s lives a lot easier if you weren’t around.”

“Go on, you have the pills. All you need is to take them and your pain and suffering would go away.”

The voices never went away, no matter how much you tried drowning them out. You tried blaring your music, you tried reading, you tried talking with Sam or Dean to distract you but they always found their way to the top.

There were nights where you stayed up, crying your eyes out because you weren’t good enough. There was actually a time where you ran away, in fear that Sam or Dean would kick you out if you stayed there any longer.

You ended up falling asleep in the park but when you woke up, you were back in your bed and very worried and concerned Winchester brothers waiting for you. They wouldn’t stop pestering you with questions and you so badly wanted to tell them what was wrong with you but you lied, coming up with some excuse.

You always came up with excuses as to why you weren’t feeling well, not eating when your stomach growled for food, when you couldn’t go on hunts, and many more. Your mind screamed for them to notice that you weren’t happy, that you wanted to end it all. But your body refused to cooperate.

You hated being alone because then your thoughts become your worst nightmare. The last time you were alone, you almost killed yourself. The only reason you didn’t go through with it was because your roommate at the time came home too early and found you before it was too late.

He tried to get you professional help but you refused, not wanting to burden anyone else with your problems. After that, you shut yourself off from anyone who was getting close to you. You hated bringing sadness to other people and you’ve experienced a lot of sadness.

Then after a while, you moved out, until you met the Winchesters. When you met Dean, you felt as if things were going to become good again. You thought you were going to be happy again but turns out, it was false hope.

You were never a happy person and in this moment, you knew it. You were alone since Sam and Dean were out at the moment. You’ve been alone for hours which wasn’t good for you. Those same demons were crowding your mind and you couldn’t take it anymore.

You shot out of bed, screaming in the empty room.

“SHUT THE HELL UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!” You sobbed, begging for them to stop but they wouldn’t quit.

“You know where the pills are. All you have to do is take them and we will never bother you again.”

The voices said to you. You sobbed, not really wanting to die but only wanting the pain gone. After all, that is all you wanted. All you wanted was the pain to be gone and the only way for that to work is if you were dead. You didn’t see any other option.

“Fine, you want me dead so badly, I’ll grant your wish.” You said to no one and got up, walking out of your room and to the shared bathroom. You would hate for Sam or Dean to come home only to find your dead body on their floor but this was the only way.

Why live a life if you were going to be sad all the damn time? Why live a life if everywhere you turned, pain would be a certain factor? Maybe there were some people who just didn’t belong in the world. You were one of them.

You closed the bathroom door and locked it, in fear of Dean or Sam coming home early and stopping you. You were stopped once; you weren’t going to be stopped again. You’ve tried taking a lot of pills but they were sleeping pills. You figured that if you took enough, you would fall asleep and just never wake up. But your body “healed” itself of them too quickly and you woke up a lot of hours later.

This time, you would be taking some prescribed pain killers that would be sure to work. After all the hunts you’ve been on, you have gotten some nice pain killers from doctors. You saved up and now you have enough to actually do some damage.

You took out the bottle and poured yourself a glass of water, sliding to the floor. Tears were streaming down your face because you hated leaving Sam and Dean like this. You popped the top and poured all the pills in your hand, looking at them.

“Just one swallow and this will all be over.”

“Do it, Y/N.”

“Maybe now you’ll actually be good at something.”

The thoughts wouldn’t stop and soon, you found yourself putting all the pills in your mouth, downing them with two big gulps of water. You let the glass fall on the ground, it shattering and the water going everywhere. You didn’t seem to care as you stared at the wall, letting the darkness make its way to you to take you away.

You didn’t even register your eyes closing. You didn’t register your body slowly shutting down. You didn’t even register Dean barging into the bathroom because he heard the glass and was worried about you.

You didn’t even register Dean frantically calling for Sam or even trying to wake you up. You didn’t even register when Dean rushed you over the toilet and stuck his fingers down your throat to get you to throw up the pills you took. This all happened so fast, the pills didn’t even get to settle into your bloodstream.

Your body reacted like how it should and you threw up, the pills landing in the toilet bowl. You threw up until you couldn’t anymore and that is when Dean knew you had every pill out of your body. Your eyes fluttered open and you got tears immediately, feeling like a failure again. You couldn’t even kill yourself correctly.

“Y/N, come on, you have to get up for me.” Dean said, putting you into his lap.

“No, Dean, just leave me be. Why did you have to save me?” You said, getting more tears.

“No, I’m glad that I got here when I did. What were you thinking, Y/N? I can’t lose you. I can’t bear the thought of you dead.” Dean said, getting emotional. Sam rushed into the room with some supplies that might help you out.

You were always closer to the older Winchester than you were with Sam and Sam knew it. He handed the things to Dean and as much as he was worried about you, he knew how much you needed Dean with you. Sam left the room and Dean gave you a glass of water and you remembered the broken glass.

You looked down to see your hand bloody. You must have hurt yourself without even realizing it. Dean was already working on your hand and you sobbed loudly, causing him to stop.

“Dean, why do you care about me? I’m worthless. I don’t belong on Earth anymore. I hate myself and you should too.” You cried. Dean shook his head and you could tell he was very emotional. He needed to gather himself internally because if he spoke now, he would break down and you didn’t need that.

You needed him to be strong but it was hard when the woman he loved tried to kill herself. He always knew something was wrong but he never would have guessed this. He knew something was wrong and he didn’t do a damn thing about it.

“Sweetheart, I’m going to stop you right there. Let me get you to bed and then I’ll tell you all about how much I love you.” Dean said, his voice cracking a bit at the end. He finished with your hand and he picked you up, letting you rest against him. He let out a shaky breath and left the bathroom, not worried about the mess.

He took you to his room since he figured you didn’t want to be in yours. He laid you on his bed and he handed you one of his shirts so you could feel his warmth. So, that you could feel safe, knowing he was always going to be with you. You knew there was no hiding how you felt now so you stripped out of your shirt and wrapped Dean’s around you.

“Dean…” You said with a quiet sob.

“Sh, don’t say anything, okay? Just listen.” Dean said, stripping himself to his boxers and got next to you in bed. He pulled you close to his body and stared into your eyes that were so full of pain and suffering.

“I’m sorry.” You said, immediately feeling guilty.

“For what? Feeling pain? I should be the one apologizing. I figured something was wrong but I left it alone. I’m sorry for not seeing what was truly wrong.” Dean said, wiping your tears.

“Dean, I can’t live like this anymore. The voices in my head always win and they’re mean. I always feel like a burden to you and Sam. I feel like I’m not good enough. Even before I met you, I was like this. Ever since I could remember, I hated everything about myself. I hate the way I look, the way I talk, how I hunt, what I say, everything.” A fresh wave of tears spilled over.

“I wish you could see what I see.” Dean whispered painfully.

“What do you see?” You asked, wanting to know what he saw. You needed to know what he saw in you.

“I see a broken woman. I see a woman that had fought her entire life. I see a beautiful woman who is imperfectly perfect in every way. I love everything about you. I love all the things you hate. I love how you make me laugh, how you brighten my days without even knowing it.

“I love your voice; to me, it’s music to my ears. I think you’re the best hunter I know. You’re such a badass and you make the monsters you fight become afraid of you. I love that you try so hard to make other people like you. It shows that you care.

“I love everything about you and I hate myself because I know now that I could have been telling you this instead of you suffering.” Dean said, tears spilling over his own eyes. Yes, you loved Dean Winchester. Yes, you knew that if you weren’t so sad yourself, you would be with him.

But hearing Dean say these things made you open your eyes. Dean, without even knowing it, made the demons go away and you were such a fuck up because it took you this damn long to realize it.

“Dean, please help me. I don’t want to die. I want to be here, in your arms, with you. I love you so much and I need your help. I just want the pain to go away.” You sobbed, your voice breaking.

“Please, I will help you be better. I need you in my life and I don’t know if you see that.” Dean said, moving some hair away from your face. You nodded and put your head on his chest, smelling his scent. Somehow, that made your nerves calm down.

“I’m sorry, Dean, for causing you pain. I won’t do it again.” You said, moving your head form his chest to his neck. He pulled you in tighter and placed a kiss on your head. You needed Dean more than ever and he was more than willing to be there for you.

This would take a long ass time, but you were ready for the healing process. You were ready to be a better person for the man you love. You knew it wasn’t going to be easy but that was life. You don’t deal with it alone because you won’t survive like that.

You had Dean Winchester and he had you.

Masterlist // Buy me a Coffee? // Series Rewrite Masterlist

Forever tags:

@maddieburcham1 @ginamsmith @mogaruke @whit85-blog @inlovewithbja @spn67-sister @kdfrqqg @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes

Dean tags:

@akshi8278 @mega-mrs-dean-winchester @winchesterandpie

Other tags:

@jensen-jarpad @notnaturalanahi @deathtonormalcy56 @27bmm

[wingsoverbros]

"Patience - Good things come to those who wait" or “My thoughts on SPN 13.03”

For previous episodes - Season 12 - Season 13: 13.01, 13.02

Now, on to Supernatural 13.03 - "Patience”

The third episode of the new season has a special job to fill. It's the episode where we generally get the resolution to the opening scenario and get a hint of the direction that the show-runners intend to pull the season in. The episode actually had to work double duty, as it also served as the beginning introduction episode to the new attempted spin-off for next year, "Wayward Sisters." They needed this episode to work well, and for people to like (or at least be interested in) the new characters. From my point of view, I must say that I think they accomplished it.

I've watched the news on the new attempted spin-off over the summer with great anticipation, and I'd been looking forward to meeting the new characters. If done well, they'll be a great addition to an already solid set of amazing characters and lead to a fantastic spin-off. If done horribly, though, they had the potential of putting a significant dent in the fledgling series. You can imagine my relief when I saw Patience and discovered that at least one of the new characters is just as much of a strong and delightful character as the established ones. I enjoyed how they wrote her as a girl who knows her own mind, doesn't back down to authority figures or monsters, and has enough self-esteem that she isn't focused solely on ill-fitting romantic entanglements. She's well-rounded and deep, with her relationship with Missouri Moseley giving her a solid background with roots deep into the show. She feels real, unlike the paper cutout versions of The Vampire Diaries/True Blood that they used to populate "Bloodlines". Her abilities also look like something that will create quite a few interesting story-lines in the new series. The ability to foresee a situation and the results would be very handy in hunting, and could be quite a distraction if it occurs at an inopportune time. I can't wait to see where they go from here.

I've always been a big fan of the amazing women from the early seasons, particularly the older ones like Ellen or Missouri . The guys have needed the support of strong characters over the years, and I liked that the support included several women who not only provided the guys with the emotional support that most of the men did not, but also proved to be perfectly capable of being amazing hunters in their own rights. I was overjoyed when they first released the information that the first of these women were being brought back after 13 years, and I personally found it was worth the wait. She was just as kickass as before, facing down the bad guy without so much as a twitch. I was surprised that they included the previously unmentioned fact that Mo was an active hunter in more then just the case in "Home", something that occurs on occasion in the anime series but is never discussed in the live action series. Going by just the canon live show, I'd always assumed that she was simply a hunter-connected psychic assistant/consultant, rather then an active hunter. It was interesting to see different. (If you’re interested, look it up on Youtube. Some of the episodes might be on there.)

This also makes her the 10th known hunter with a dedicated home base, and points towards the Winchester pre-bunker nomadic existence to be in the minority with hunters. I wonder what the stats are on the ones that head out from a set location verses the ones that roam the country in vehicles.

I adore the interactions between her and one of our other favorite strong female characters, Jody, and the fact that they were interacting with Dean. The three of them meshed well, all three visibly concerned about the well-being of the others, and I could have cheerfully watched several episodes with this trio.

I also enjoyed how she responded to Dean in the episode. The last time we saw her, in the lovely season 1 episode "Home", Dean was young and irreverent, a bit forceful and lacking in tact, generally unaffected by the heavy losses the Winchesters, and was focused on finding and rescuing their father. She treated him more like an southern lady treating a misbehaving child, using comments and threats that actually reminded me rather strongly of my grandmothers. Sam, who was suffering from the recent loss of his lover at the time, was given a much gentler treatment and a "Oh Honey, I'm sorry about your girlfriend." 13 years later, the guys have reversed positions. Now Sam is focused on finding a way to rescue their mom, and Dean is reeling from the loss of both Mary and Cas, and this time Dean got the gentle treatment and the "Oh Honey" comment. I rather like the thought that it puts Cas in the same position as Jessica (it thrills my little shipper heart).

Considering how much I enjoyed both the thought of her return and the actual performance, I was unimpressed that the show once again chose to kill off the badass female character in the episode. Is there some sort of quota or something? Too many great girl characters in an episode, you must kill one? It really put my nose out of joint. Not only did it irritate me, but having Missouri stay behind to die created a bit of a paradox in the episode. Missouri was only there undefended because she sent Dean and Jody to Georgia to protect her granddaughter. When the wraith attacks Patience, he says that he came after her because her grandmother was one of the tastiest psychics he'd ever eaten. So, if Missouri hadn't been unprotected, she might never have been eaten, which means Patience wouldn't have been targeted, which meant that they wouldn't have had to go protect her, leaving Missouri unprotected. I assume that it was why they had the sequence about Patience's mother and the comment about the future not being set in stone, but the whole sequence still made me grumpy.

The writers in this show are somewhat hit or miss with how well they use the monsters in this show, especially the ones that don't appear often, like the wraith. Luckily, Berens is one of the better ones for continuity, and the wraith in this episode was pretty much spot on, a perfect match for the appearance and abilities of the first appearance of a wraith in "Sam Interrupted", back in season 5. This is impressive, considering these monsters only appeared before Berens came along, while some writers that have been connected with the show in some capacity for longer have trouble getting far more familiar monster lore right. Either Berens went on a decent rewatch of older seasons recently, or he's got superior research skills in comparison to some of the other writers. Maybe he can give them tips?

Jack continues to be a delight, a character trying desperately to be good and do what's right. He gives me strong impressions that they went back and took his example from both the attempt of Cas to right the unintended wrongs he did and  Sam's fight to be a decent character over the years. Sam's certainty that he can be saved, combined with his stand during the fight at the end and his "I know what it's like" monologue during the episode convince me that the impression of Jack as an inherently good character fighting his fears, background and negative impulses is the impression that the writers and show-runners most likely intended. That, combined with the inclusion of the alternative universe gives me the idea that they are attempting to set an entire season on the concept of nature verses nurture. It is my guess that with Jack in our universe, and possibly with what we see of Michael in the AU, we might be seeing if a change in treatment or circumstances has a substantial effect on the path of a super-powered being. Can a being who is genetically half of an inherently evil monster choose to be a hero? What happens to the machine you need to stop if no one invents the monkey wrench in the first place?

It was interesting seeing the contrasts between Sam and Dean. Sam is clearly on a forward trajectory similar to his "we can fix this" routine from past seasons. He's dedicated to finding a way out of their jam, and seems to be basing his hope and momentum on the idea that no one is inherently bad. If he could get through it, so could someone else. It's an admirable viewpoint, and I can honestly say that I hope, in this situation, that he's completely right.

Dean, on the other hand, is operating out of some of the deepest depression the character has ever had. Just a year ago, he had a near perfect life, having his brother, his Angel and having regained someone he thought he'd never see again. And it all went to shit rather quickly. Now, he's lost his mom and the one being who's been his constant for damned near a decade, and his brother seems to be sucking up to a super-powered time bomb that they couldn't stop in time. It's been one heck of a year for Dean. He's stuck in a revolving loop of anger and grief and alcohol, similar to his time in season 7. Hopefully, he'll process through that soon enough, and snap out of it when Cas returns (like he did last time), so that hes ready when it becomes time to spring Mary.

I adored the reactions of everyone around him, though. The sympathy eyes he got from both Jody and  Missouri were worth the price of admission, as was Jody's constant sympathetic touches. Dean really needs some sympathetic hugs and such after the events of the last few years (and some therapy. Oh so much therapy.) Dean's monologue at the end, though, was heartbreaking. So much emotion in it, and I loved how his biggest beef with Jack seems to be the manipulation and death of Cas. This season is making it so very clear that Dean has a much different relationship with Cas then Sam does. (It makes my shipper heart dance, even if these bits are likely the closest we'll ever get to canon.)

I must admit to loving Sam's reactions to Jack as well. Especially his monologue. If anyone human could relate to Jack, it's be Sam. He'll make a good uncle or Godfather to Jack. Cas will need the support and backup, especially if Dean continues to be snippy towards Jack.

The tiny glimpse of Cas simply wasn't enough, especially with the strange featureless environment he was shown in. From the sheer lack of anything to see, it's clear that he's stuck in "the big empty", as to be expected from the emphasis on it this last season. I found it interesting that it sees that Jack brought him back, rather then Chuck or Amara, and that he doesn't actually seem to know he did it. If he popped Cas out of stasis by accident, then how will Cas get out of there? When will the guys figure out what happened, and can Jack resurrect anyone else? (Cause, if yes, I admit that I have got quite a large list of potential candidates...)

The episode was brilliant. The plot was fast-paced and never felt like it dragged or became illogical. It introduced (and reintroduced) characters that we can really connect to and look forward to seeing again in their upcoming adventures, although the loss of one in particular really irritated me. I also enjoyed the interactions and character development between our main heroes. All in all, the episode was amazing and a fitting introduction the the characters and interactions for both the upcoming season and the new spin-off. It was well-done, and I commend Berens the episode. I can't wait to see where they go from here.

[naruhearts]

So I’ve said on twitter -

One of the most devastating things for me at the moment is Dean’s accumulated trauma post-14x09. He thought everything was hunky-dory - he was happy - until Michael came and snatched the proverbial rug from under him, the sleeper agent, just like that. Unsuccessful at killing Mike, with a broken spear and all, Dean’s swimming in the darkest abyss of low self-worth *hello 14x10 Nihilism*, stalling his so far excellent personal development, and this is presumably going to culminate in 14x13’s “turning point” (between D/C), where his severely traumatized internal state of mind explodes out of him after he bottles it all up. Ah, Berens!! *serves cake*

At the same time, Cas isn’t going to be dragged away by the Empty just yet, and these are two narrative sides of the same angst-filled coin; Cas actually stated that there’s rarely any happiness in the life. Sam and Cas going into Dean’s mind on Jan 17, however, has me flailing, because IMAGINE the expositional potential there *rubs hands together*

I still haven’t seen the ep in its entirety, but based on spoilers, 14x09 seems to cap off S14’s themes of Family, Unity, and Love and...Love in a perfectly painful narrative footlong extending from 14x01 — the moment Dean defeats toxic paternal figure Michael could be the core catalyst to A. Dean’s complete self-actualization/catharsis as he fights for himself (regains his agency) and B. Cas letting himself be happy since DEAN is happy, safe, and sound (don’t get me wrong, of course they have their own self-happiness to think about that involves their hopes and dreams, not just each other, but I’m speculating within the romance narrative context), which to me makes ALL the sense, narratively interlinking Cas and Dean’s happiness with each other, and I suspect that this trajectory will hold for end of season finale, where the instant Dean is happy, and Cas is happy too, and Cas gives himself permission to be happy with him, and they’re finally happy together, with the rest of their family members Sam and Jack - will the Empty drag him to nothing, introducing S15’s premise. In the meantime, Dean and Cas aren’t happy. The star-crossed lovers are separated once again and well, we’re starting to read one of the darkest personal/internal-focused tragedy chapters of their love story the closer we get towards the final frontier :( :( :( but don’t fret, because -

x

[naruhearts]

Phew, my meta heart is pumping again after what felt like the longest hiatus :P

Late night thought:

Dean + mirrors.

Deeply personal-themed S13 was saturated with Prison imagery—prisons of the self, the mind, and the heart where confronting, verbalizing, and/or accepting the truth was tantamount to destroying such prisons and setting oneself free e.g. Cas exposing himself to what he fears, WHO HE LOVES, then demanding Empty!Cas to let him go (in that he indeed is reborn an episode later, although it’s slow but sure progress) (@dimples-of-discontent I saw your comment x and ah, lovely stuff); Ketch acknowledging his darkness, then quite literally overcoming it and breaking free of Asmodeus’ control; Mary and Jack openly, honestly communicating then escaping imminent death together (oh heyyy @thedogsled I just saw you make this remark from an old meta piece and well sorry, I’m a stalker! Also I’ll try to work on my assignment tomorrow lol)

I guess this last scene of Michael!Dean (possibly) addressing Dean as he looks into a broken mirror from the 14x01 promo has me both silently weeping and hopping in the background for our poor depressed boy because again, this is what needs to happen...what WAS supposed to happen all along: Dean needs to deconstruct, confront and accept the truths about himself—heavy-set truths that he kept locked away within his own metaphorical prison, deep within the recesses of his distorted guilt-ridden brain (a touch-starved, psychologically incapacitated brain poisoned by undealt traumas, low self-worth and pessimistic perceptions)—if he intends to regain his free will.

*thumps table* Expositional Eldritch JEWEL + dark Cas antithesis Amara as the self-introspective catalyst jumpstarting Dean’s characteristic progression and self-introspection by giving him what he TRULY needed —> giving him the chance to let go of Saint Mary Winchester —> ultimately bringing his catharsis full circle and *stops thumping table because I’m digressing*

It all starts with interdependence. It all starts with HONESTY.

It starts with Michael, the invisible yet continuously looming presence who pushed hard against Dean’s weary shoulders since 5x04, pushed harder and harder at his gradually weakening walls of self-preservation until they finally crumbled like Jericho into a monolithic heap of worthlessness.

Michael!Dean—the John Winchester figure of destiny, DUTY vs LOVE, Blunt Tool + trauma personification, and the core antithetical mirror to everything Dean Winchester epitomizes—is now the Expositional entity he will combat.

Dean has to glue the fractured glass shards of his very being together again. He has to embrace the broken reflection staring back at him. He has to accept who he sees in that mirror. He has to close the most complex chapter of his extensive and beautifully emotively bedecked bildungsroman towards self-actualization. He has to eliminate the repressive dichotomies of his past.

Dean, the narrative Heart Hero, must love himself completely in order to emancipate himself completely.

If he does this, he could keep the closet doors WIDE open. He could finally let himself have/be what he always wanted to have/be.

No more performativity.

No more fear.

No more LOSING, but WINNING.

Dean Winchester must die so he can live. x

And once he LIVES?

Family.

Faith.

Love.

[naruhearts]

x

Welp, I would write a longer post, but I’m a bit short on time and painful John Winchester gifs are my best friend.

Seriously - I couldn’t help but drop all this here (and this) as a reminder after finding out JDM is returning as John Winchester for SPN300:

x

x

As we’ve seen in 13x16 Ghost Kid, the looming 14x04 ghost of Repressive Toxicity (some of my meta: x, x, x, x) in the form of JW mirror David Hunter Yeager -- responsible for chopping Dean’s legs off so he couldn’t stand on his own two healthy feet for the rest of his life -- making him a victim of unwarranted circumstance (as well as Sam) -- and, on the eve of May 2 1983, placing Dean in the position of father, mother and brother rolled into one -- destroyed everything and everyone (before and after the FIRE) innocent of wrongdoing...undeserving of all the future personal repercussions they have experienced from 1x01 to the present. 

x

In detail-laden 14x04, Non-Performative Dean mirror Dirk later stood up to Hatchet Man, protecting his best friend and Sam mirror Samantha (as well as saved Dean himself). He told David Yeager that he’s not scared of him. 

x

x

Indeed, the ever-complex personal narrative has led to this. Again, Personal/Emotions-imbued S12, S13 and S14 -- three core seasons primarily revolving around internal psychology and characteristic progress -- are culminating into self-actualization. TFW will no longer be scared to deconstruct their dark pasts and can find the courage to release themselves from decades-long harrowing childhood/neglectful parenting-induced psychological imprisonment. They will find closure and purge their minds, bodies, and souls of toxicity, pain, and shame. Catharsis.

I’m not saying that SPN300 will bring direct catharsis to fruition (considering AU Michael is the main S14 toxic paternal figure), but this casting news made me word-vomit about Dean’s overarching undealt source of trauma: John. And a similar iteration of 12x22 Dean-Mary cathartic scene has gotta be in the cards soon. Time to conquer. Time for them to say:

x

[naruhearts]

@intelligentshipper YEAH exactly, and I mean, that’s the clincher, isn’t it? Because like you said, Dean has no real functional use for a cross, and he doesn’t have True Faith nor is he a super Christian.

(Thanks @tinkdw for tagging :D IS, my kinda-sloppy meta discussion on Wanek’s 14x03 work is here; Dean the Hammer/Cas the Cross continue to make up the visual bedroom narrative)

It truly is an important combo of those points ^^^

To quickly reiterate—Dean has faith. He has faith in Castiel. We’ve seen this, consistently & explicitly, in actual canon.

He’s developed, over ten years, a pretty much hard-cement sea of trust in this creature, the only angel he considers his family: a person, a man, with dark hair and blue eyes.

The cross in Dean’s room has always been symbolic, depicting CAS in his negative spaces, the figure of his faith, his Everything. And when we recall that Dean’s bedroom is an intimate space, and it possessed that role as an intimate space in awesome-romantic-mixtape-studded 12x19, well...

Note that the cross lies on Dean’s left side once again, where the left is narratively associated to the Good: agency, progression and freedom versus the Evil, repressive, manipulative and controlling right side *no pun intended* and the Distorted Scar surfacing on Dean’s right shoulder (that he discovers in the privately intimate context of, voila, his own bedroom vs the isolated, empty 4x01 gas station *gotta love silent contrasts) as 1. MoC iteration and 2. borderline-textual, antithetical, highkey tangible reflection of the left-shouldered Profound Bond (that Cas actually, physically placed his hand over in 03) hammers it all home.

(Can you believe??)

There’s books books books! Barely any weapons. Considerably less shooting first, more asking questions, questioning his mind and especially his heart as to what he WANTS and NEEDS. Then we observe the two beer bottles (which, as we all know, historically carry intimate and romantic connotations) on Dean’s left side. Two’s company, three’s a crowd.

Anyways, I’m sure the cross means absolutely nothing, zero, zilch :P

Dean’s room in 14x03. Feel free to use for confrontation/analysis purposes.

(Has there ever been so little weapons?)