#Condiment King is just weird

[sunnycanwrite]

I'm honestly so mediocre..... Like most of the Batman villains

[suzukiblu]

Day twelve of “obligatory sugar baby Kon” behind the cut. prev: (( chrono || non-chrono ))

Tim clears his throat and adjusts the collar of his shirt for honestly no good reason, and Kon keeps doing–Kon keeps beaming at him. There is just . . . there is just so, so much beaming happening right now, and it is very, very hard to concentrate on anything else. Or even, like, passingly think about anything else. 

Kon looks–he just looks happy, and Tim feels flustered and overwhelmed and vaguely nauseous, but like, in a good way, somehow, and . . . it’s a lot. Yeah. Just–Tim is currently feeling a lot of things, is all. Just . . . a lot. So much. 

Tim wonders if he could figure out a loophole to “legally” marry Kon despite the fact he’s fifteen and Kon is only maybe legally a person and/or citizen in the eyes of the government, because in that case even once Kon gets bored of Tim Drake he’ll be able to send him alimony payments or whatever, so– 

Actually, Tim realizes as he looks at Kon’s beaming face–at Kon’s beaming face beaming at him–and feels Kon’s hand still gripping his easily and comfortably, and Kon still leaned in closer than necessary even as they walk along the sidewalk together . . . 

Actually, he doesn’t feel like Kon’s getting bored with Tim Drake at all. 

. . . . . . huh. 

Weird, Tim thinks, a little too bewildered to figure out why he feels that way. 

“Oh, hey, that looks good,” Kon says, perking up a little more as he looks at something over Tim’s shoulder and points past him with his free hand. “We need a new dinner place, right? Wanna try it?” 

Tim looks where Kon’s pointing and frowns in confusion, because he’s pointing at a skate shop, of all things, not a restaurant or cafe or even a bar. 

“I haven’t touched a skateboard in months and also I have no idea what that has to do with dinner,” he admits, still frowning in confusion, and Kon laughs. 

“The food truck, babe,” he says with a snigger, pointing more emphatically. “You skateboard?” 

“Uh–sometimes, yeah,” Tim says, refocusing his eyes to realize–yeah, there is in fact a food truck there, parked just to the side of the skate shop. It’s very . . . yellow. Very, very brightly yellow. 

He can absolutely never, ever tell Bruce he missed something as obvious as a huge neon yellow food truck, Tim swears to himself, and then he actually registers what the truck says and . . . blinks, very slowly. 

“Is that the one-dollar grilled cheese truck?” he says. “I thought that was a meme or something.” 

“I mean, probably some bargain-basement content creator who thinks they're an influencer is running it as some publicity stunt shit, but one-dollar grilled cheese,” Kon says reasonably, except for how Tim cannot even imagine what about that statement would be “reasonable”. 

“You want to get dinner from the one-dollar grilled cheese truck?” he asks, a little incredulous about the idea. 

“We could get so many, babe,” Kon says with a gleeful grin. Tim, instinctively, is about to protest that they could get “so many” of whatever Kon wanted, in fact, and a truck that says both “cash only” and “no change given, figure out your own shit” in Impact font is literally just . . . what. What? But then he has a brief remembered flash of Dick saying there wasn’t any “one size dates all” and talking to him about circus tickets and tailoring dates to the other person's tastes and, well . . . 

“Um, sure?” he says, still vaguely bewildered. Kon needs more expensive tastes. He needs to get Kon more expensive tastes. And also maybe, like, better standards for a “nice” dinner. 

Kon beams at him again, giving his hand a squeeze, and Tim disassociates for a minute or two in an attempt to process any of that and entirely, entirely fails to. 

. . . alright, maybe some of Dick’s dating advice was helpful, he reflects. 

. . . . . . also to be fair, this also might be the Condiment King or some other D-lister about to start some shit, in which case it wouldn't hurt to throw a superhero at the problem anyway. 

And at least it's gonna be a lot of calories, right?

[alyakthedorklord]

Welcome to Danny’s Part 2

People have been asking for more of this ^^ so here you go, have a really long word vomit of stuff i think is funny

(IM NOT WRITING THIS FIC GDI I HAVE ENOUGH WIP’S!)

Danny’s restaurant is ALSO manned by-

Tucker, who will fix your tech for free, has tattoos of hieroglyphics and lines of code that shift around when he gets busy.

Sam, who makes an express line for veggie orders. If you try to order meat from sam all the potted plants start trembling.

Jazz, who has a special booth in the back and Magically makes people dump their deepest secrets to her in streamlined Liminal Powers Therapy. (It’s a bit weird but hey the people she targets feel better so whatevs.)

Dani, who shares pictures from tourist traps she's visited, though there’s also some REALLY WEIRD pics of alternate realities and cult shenanigans mixed in. Some of the older patrons are concerned. She’s a little too young to do all this alone- actually, how old is she? Her father looks like he’s in his early twenties…

Dan, who is working here while “on parole” and often loudly argues with Danny about it.

“I don’t want to work in your stupid shop, Dad!”

Dan is two whole feet taller than danny and three times as wide i will not be taking constructive criticism. He’s a whole silver fox. There are some ladies who have a crush on him and they’re really concerned if he’s legal bc danny is younger than them how is Dan his child-

“Dan, how old are you?”

“I don’t know, like, a hundred sixty something?”

(Lady turns to look at Danny, who shrugs and smiles.) “time dilation. What a world we live in. Dan, kiddo, can you get some more napkins from the back?”

“Ugh, fine, dad.”

The first villain Danny ACTUALLY fights isn’t the Joker. It’s Condiment King. Dan runs away from him, which is already weird bc guy is MASSIVE, and the condiment king chases him bc YES SOMEONE FINALLY FEARS HIM PROPERLY.

Danny bursts out of the shop in righteous fatherly fury and beats the snot out of him. Everyones is confused bc… what? Dan is massive? Why is he scared? Why is the twink beating the snot out of condiment king?

“Dan had a traumatic experience with Burger Sauce.” Danny explains, glaring down at the rouge at his feet. He kicks him, growls, “Don’t mess with my kid.” And walks back inside.

No one asks, bc this is gotham. Asking is rude, and also it lessens the Mystery that is Danny’s. No one knows how the kids came into existence. No one knows, before someone from out of town (metropolis, ugh) asks about the sign.

The sign outside the shop says:

Welcome to Danny’s!

Do no harm and no harm shall befall you.

Start nothing and nothing will be ended.

We have baseball bats and fists and a mean swing.

This establishment does not serve- guys in white (suits), Vlad, Transphobes, Vlad, Clowns, VLAD.

Do not ask for the secret menu. If you can get it, Danny will offer it.

(Don’t scare the other customers, please.)

When asked who Vlad is, bc he’s banned three times, Danny just kind of sighs.

“He’s my kid's other parent. He’s an obsessive creep who completely ignores Danielle because she’s a girl, rolling in money but won’t pay his child support. You know how it is.”

Several goons ask what he looks like so they can keep an eye out. Dani happily tells them “look at Dan, take away Dad’s features, then convert 30% of his height and weight into smarminess.”

It's an effective description. Vlad gets full body tackled the moment he enters the neighborhood. Danny gives the goons free fudge (family recipe, one of the restaurants signatures)

One of the reasons Danny’s is so popular is bc its open 24/7. (Unless its one of those weird times where all the doors are locked and if you look through the window blinds theres nothing but a starry void.) One of the reasons Danny’s is so weird is bc Danny is ALWAYS behind the counter. Always. Round the clock. He doesn’t sleep, eat, anything. Some people swear he has a twin he swaps out with (clones).

Sometimes, after a really difficult customer, Danny will let out a really long sigh and mutter “time out” before glitching into a new position, with a new shirt and combed hair. No one mentions it.

Theres a deal that’s just, “beat danny in a fight you eat for free.”

The deal extends to both Dan and Dani as well. Even if you lose you get fudge as a reward for courage.

No one ever wins.

One time, a couple brought their kid, recently discharged from the hospital. Danny comes over to them and grins. “Hey, kiddo! Bet you gave your parents a scare, huh? Pulled through in the end. That means you get the secret menu!”

Parents: hey wtf?

Danny, handing over a perfectly normal menu: 😀

Kid: “ooh mommy look at the glowy stars!”

Parents: !?!?!?

Danny: 😁

Old man Dave, whose heart has stopped like three times now: “Oh don’t worry about that, prices are the same and it will help your kid feel much better. Danny’s just a little weird.”

After all, it’s not just full ghosts that get the menu. If you’ve been dead, heart stopped, soul out of body before being popped back into place, then you get it. There’s actually a pretty high number of people who get it, bc this is Gotham. People get resuscitated after rogue attacks. The ecto actually helps stabilize their soul after getting jerked between life and death so rudely.

The secret menu that they’re given is just a normal menu, scribbled over top with an ecto pen, invisible to non-secret menu havers. Different “ecto-levels” to choose from, and three extra dishes. There’s also instructions to get into the “back room” for those who can’t go intangible, though it comes with a disclaimer “not for the faint of heart.”

There’s also a small note at the bottom- “do not share food.”

Anyways, as per original post. Tim herds Joker into Danny’s radar bc he Cannot Deal Right Now. He salutes Danny, who waves back, grinning like he didn’t just come at the Clown Prince of Crime like a feral badger on crack cocaine. “Heya, Red Robin! You want a coffee?”

“Please.” Tim sighs. “You’re the best, Danny.”

Jason looks between tim and the shop danny just vanished into. “Uh, what?”

“Danny doesn’t like clowns.” Tim explains. “Or condiment king. They get close, Danny takes them out.”

Jason is incredibly confused, bc he just came back from an out of town mission, but this place is right on the edge of his territory and he should definitely know about it. He asks tim, who just shrugs.

“That shop is weird. It’s like a grocery store at 3am. I stumbled in there after a rough night and Danny just whipped me up the best coffee i've ever had. Still can’t find their website. I swear it’s bigger on the inside and the door keeps swapping from one side of that fire hydrant to the other.”

Danny comes out and passes Tim a massive coffee cup. “Come back and talk shop with tucker, okay? You’re welcome any time. Both of you, actually.”

He gives Jason a weird look and then goes back inside.

Jason, who is a little concerned that the reverence tim has is more than his average weird worship of coffee (it's just that good) goes back the next day in civvies.

He gets offered the secret menu, danny does the eye thing, Jason retreats to look at the secret menu. Unsure of what just happened, he texts tim.

Jason: Why was i given a “secret menu”

Tim: WTF WHAT DID YOU DO TO GET THAT

Jason: IDK THATS WHY IM TEXTING YOU

tim: I'VE BEEN GOING FOR MONTHS I’M A LOYAL PATRON WHAT DO YOU HAVE THAT I DONT

Jason: the secret menu apparently (image)

Tim: …thats just the normal menu???

Jason: no? It looks like a kid went ham with a neon green marker tf?

Duke: you know this is the family chat right?

Steph: order the waffles

Jason: you order the waffles. Wtf is an ecto-level.

Jason asks for what danny recommends, Danny immediately gives him a milkshake and tells him it's on the house bc he “looks rough.”

Jason is kind if offended, bc he actually got a decent sleep- but then he tries it and its like.

Oh.

Now. Between the stink Tim is making, and the sudden worship that Jason has of this shops milkshakes, the BatFamily is now Curious and will Investigate.

Are the milkshakes really that good?

The full force of the Wayne Family™ isn’t exactly subtle, so they go in twos and threes over the course of a week.

Damian gets offered the secret menu, and is also directed towards Sam’s express vegetarian line. Danny just Knew. Damian accuses Tim and/or Jason of pulling a prank on him, but they both swear up and down they didn’t say anything.

Both Steph (i think? Did she fake her death or actually die idk) and Cass get the secret menu, and they keep trying to ask Tim what certain things on the menu mean. Tim Cannot See what they’re talking about. He’s starting to get frustrated. Is it some sort of magic spell?

Tim takes Kon to Danny’s. (Is it a date? A test date on a low-stakes investigation? Maybe.) Danny, who is really starting to enjoy messing with Tim, gleefully offers Kon the secret menu, and Tim the normal one. Tim bangs his head on the table.

Dick doesn’t get a secret menu, but he does notice a couple disappear through the wall. He’s almost certain he’s seen them before, but it will be a while before he remembers Kitty and Johnny from his early Robin Days.

Duke is also not offered a secret menu, but he can see the writing anyways. He can also see that some of the patrons have weird auras, and what on EARTH is up with Danny himself? He tries to ignore it, up until Steph gets him to order one of the specials off Cass’s (secret) menu. And Danny just kind of sharpens, the air going cold.

“I didn’t give you that menu. Just because you can read it, doesn’t mean you want it. Order off the right menu, please.”

Duke, freaked the hell out by the Biblically Accurate Horror that Danny is shifting into, orders off the right menu and apologizes.

“Oh, it’s alright!” Danny flips back to cheerful in seconds. “It’s just that it wouldn’t be completely healthy for you to eat it, even if you are part immortal.”

Duke bluescreens.

Alright, somethings definitely going on.

Tim and Jason both order the same thing- an oreo milkshake, one off the secret menu, one off the normal menu. Jason confirms the one from the normal menu does not taste the same and isn’t as good. Tim cannot confirm the other way around, because Jason nearly punches him when he attempts to taste it.

They take samples home, analyze them, and go over anecdotes from other patrons, trying to figure out what makes Danny’s so weird. What makes Kon, Cass, Jason, and Damian different?

Wait a second. Kon, Cass, Jason, Damian. The ones that died and came back to life.

It’s around this time that Dick remembers where he’s seen Kitty and Johnny before. Lovers from two houses, both alike in (in)dignity, had a romeo-and-juliet-esque escapade across Gotham, ending in high speed chase with Kitty’s gangster father and a fatal motorcycle accident. Both are dead. Both are in Danny’s.

Danny’s has something to do with death.

Having heard a couple stories about food of the dead, they notify Bruce (who is very concerned as to what exactly his children have been putting in their mouths) and then call in the magic users of the justice league.

It’s a mess. Dan calls Constantine a whore. Deadman and Secret (i think thats Tim’s ghost friend?) get abducted to the backroom. Dani clocks Capt. Marvel as another kid who looks older than he actually is, with magic powers, and his showing him her REALLY interesting travel photos. Zatanna is like “this place needs an exorcism” and danny just goes “ma’am please don’t exorcize my customers.”

Tag list (if you saw me attempt this before no you didn’t)

@nappinginhell @apointlessbox @thegatorsgoose @chaos-n-kindness @mimilikey @phoenixdemonqueen @treepainting @sjrose1216 @akikkobara @malice-of-the-sunrise @idontgetpaidenoughforthisshit @randomkiddoscrewingaround @call-me-strega @blankliferain @somera-rubina @wordsgohere95 @rukiaai @mirellacoco @stargazing-bookwyrm @bathildaburp @littlefeather345

[cerealboxlore]

21!

WIP #21: A Day In Your Shoes

"Okay okay, slow down dude, let's be honest, for real here." Flash raised his hand to the conversation, trying not to spit out any of the food in his mouth while laughing. He wasn't very successful. "In what world is someone named Mr. Banjo, a threat? I just can't take that seriously, I'm not sorry!"

Captain Marvel raised an eyebrow at the speedster. He pretended to scoff at the remark. "Hey now, I don't poke fun at any of your rogues, now do I? I know plenty of rogues have silly names but they can be very dangerous." A true statement from the Big Red Cheese. Plenty of League members had fought many rogues with interesting names and a varying array of power sets, so sometimes written reports would seem more odd and fictional rather than real, despite their truth.

Billy still couldn't believe there was a rogue named Condiment King! Condiment. King. In Gotham of all places. And people think Fawcett is weird. He's tempted to do a segment on this during his next radio show segment at WHIZ Radio. He's been itching to make an episode with his friend Whitey from the studio, and this seems right up his alley. He wants to run a script through his head but is interrupted by another voice.

"Oh yeah, I totally don't want to get in the way of Mr. Banjo playing Rainbow Connection at me." Green Lantern chimed in, arriving late to the scene but coming prepared to join the fun.

Barry smirked with a wide grin, and Captain Marvel resisted the urge to insult his rogues in return. He had better things to do than contribute to petty conversations about who has the worst (better?) rogues.

"Actually the banjo is a cursed magical artifact from the Rock of Eternity itself. Surprisingly, it's sentient, so it connects to the host of whoever holds it and-"

"And there it is! The magical oddity of Fawcett City. Everything is just so whimsical there, isn't it? I mean, I know you have your fair share of serious rogues, Cap, but let's not joke around here, I'd love to fight some of your rogues for a day instead of mine. It'd be a nice break." Other heroes in the break room chimed in, adding their own lines of agreement and sharing their exhaustion stories of fighting their rogues. Meanwhile, Captain Marvel crossed his arms, thinking of an idea that gave him a mischievous smile.

"Oh? Is that so? If you think you can last a day in my city, I'd dare you to try."

[avaritia-apotheosis]

the hilarious thing about Danny moving to Gotham before it became Gotham TM is that, if you think about it, crime rate aside, Gotham's brand of villainy was fairly...normal. The early years of the Batman were spent fighting the mob, after all. And the sudden bam! weirdly themed rogues, killer clowns, lady with a plant body, condiment king—

You think Danny just sat down at some point and was like "is it me???? did I bring the weirdness to Gotham??????"

[batpham-discord-highlights]

2024 April fools and Anniversary Event Prompt List part 4

See what the event was and it's rule here!

Hero! Prompts:

Hero Fortune Cookie

I’m rewriting the ultimate enemy episode. CW sees the evil dan timeline, and instead of weird timeline shenanigans, he decides that the solution is to just make sure that Danny gets placed with a caregiver who knows enough about magic to protect the halfa.  CW starts collecting John Constantine’s soul pieces, and compels him to adopt the freshly traumatized Danny

Hero Gil

Bruce came back home, very tired of a day of crime fighting, and finds a young woman sitting on his kitchen with Alfred serving her some hot chocolate. The older man is smirking, saying that he should really listen to what she has to say

Bruce's new secretary is very competent. Suspiciously so. It isn't until one late night at the office that she fights off the goons after the young Wayne heir that he begins to understand there's more than meets the eye

Hero Strawberry

When Danny took the crown the zone itself changed to reflect this taking on a more cosmic appearance

Tim is sacrificed to the ghost king, only problem is said ghost king is missing when he gets to the zone, rescue mission ensues

Villains! Prompts:

Villain Guardian Soul

A bunch of cats are released into the Watchtower! It's Damian's fault, but he blames it on his dad, since he wouldn't let him keep them at home.

In order to kidnap the Justice League, villains first turned them into cats.... they probably could have chosen easier animals to handle, but regardless, their prodigies will have to rescue them!

Villain Nezu

Condiment King vs Lunch Lady food war

Cujo found the ghost of Ace the Bat hound and has lead him to Danny

Villain Goat

Before he dropped out of med school, Bruce Wayne made many friends. Among them was Jasmine Fenton, fast on her track into becoming a neurosurgeon. She graduated, he dropped out, life went on. Until one day, a Doctor Fenton shows back up in Bruce’s life, running from something terrible.

If anyone wants to use and post with these prompts the Ao3 collection link is here, or post with #April Fools event 2024

[seffius]

Number 1 Riddler quality is his relationships with minor villains (he's friends with King Tut, he's dating the Clock King, he talks to Condiment King and Sports Master etc) while larger villains just fucking hate him. His friend group is just the weird kids at that one lunch table and honestly if he's happy then he deserves it

[weirdo-from-bonesborough]

jason: man this city's gotten so weird since i died tim: yeah, tell me about it. jason: like. condiment king! that sounds like some shit dick had to deal with when he was ten! tim: tim: i thought you were gonna say "fighting undead mobsters from the 20s with just nightwing and oracle for help because the government had forsaken gotham and batman had left the state to fight demons from hell trying to take over the world, completely unrelated to our thing" but yeah that too

[just-an-enby-lemon]

Cluemaster: Hey, bro, I know I never call...

Kiteman: You did drunk call me that one time.

Cluemaster: I already said I was sorry for spreading around that you were in love with your kite and calling you to brag about it. As you said I was hella drunk and angry your weird ass podcast somehow now has the same level of fans as my old gameshow. Who the fuck cares that much about kites? Or C list vilany?

Kiteman: Did you just call to remind me why I hate you?

Cluemaster: Of course not, Chucky boy, your my favorite lil bro.

Kiteman: Arthur... I'm your only brother.

Cluemaster: Yeah? You're still my favorite.

Kiteman: Okay. Fine. What do you want?

Cluemaster: You're good with kids right?

Kiteman: Oh do you want me to babysit little Steph? I haven't see her since she was a baby! That'll be soo much fun!

Cluemaster: Oh, no, no. She is too old for a babysitter. I kindda called 'cause I need your advice.

Kiteman: Sure. Go on.

Cluemaster: How would you stop a prank war between your teen daugther and your bussiness partner that happens to be living at your house?

Kiteman: Woah. Define prank war?

Cluemaster: Like they just being annoying with each other... like non-stop Shrek music and painting one of her walls green?

Kiteman: Are you working with a child, Artie?

Cluemaster: No. Childrem are not really good at puzzle robberies.

Kiteman: So who the hell is in a prank war with your fourteen year old daugther? Is it that Polka Dot weirdo?

Cluemaster: ... Riddler.

Kiteman: Be honest, Arthur.

Cluemaster: I am!

Kiteman: Why the fuck would he work with you? Didn't he like was brought on to one of your trials and tried to sue you for being a copycat?

Cluemaster: No idea. I don't really remember all my trials.

Kiteman: Fair. Still isn't he like an actual treat? Like Batman actually tries to be always involved in his crimes instead of just sending a Robin or a cop kindda treat? Or hangs out with Cooblepot and Harley Quinn and fucking Catwoman and even Scarecrow and Joker kindda treat?

Cluemaster: Yes, so what?

Kiteman: He is waaay above your league. How the fuck do you got him to work with you?

Cluemaster: He is working for me because he recognizes my genius.

Kiteman: *sarcasm* Yeah, sure. At least it explains why I've been hearing that your plans don't totally suck anymore.

Cluemaster: Will you help me or not?

Kiteman: Anything for little Steph. But seriusly bro, the guy is a mentally instable killer, he is real Arkham loonie, A-lister and all this shit are you sure is safe to have him living with you? Specially if he and Stephanie are fighting!? She is just a kid! What if this prank war thing escalates and next thing she is in saw type death trap or something?

Cluemaster: Well than help me not to! I can't just kick him out, do you know how much I've been proffiting later?

Kiteman: And also he is an instable killer that used to hate you and wouldn't react well to being kicked out?

Cluemaster: Yeah, this too. Look I think you're overestimating the guy. He is smart and all and he can take a punch but I could take him out real easy in a one on one. He screamed like a little girl when he found a roach in the kitchem. I think I'll be fine.

Kiteman: Sure, you do you.... Maybe.... you could just.... help them find something they have in common? A TV show they like or something. It used yo work with us. They will bond over the thing and forget they hate each other for a bit.

Cluemaster: See was it that hard to help me?

*Chuck hangs up*

[Three months later]

Cluemaster: Chuck! I need help!

Kiteman: Can you call in another time? I'm bowlling with the guys, Calendar Man and Condiment King cannot win a second time, one weird rap about their love conquering all was ENOUGHT.

Cluemaster: Is about the whole prank war between Nygma and Stephanie thing.

Kiteman: Oh. So I guess my advice didn't work.

Cluemaster: No, no, it did. It worked way to well actually.

Kiteman: *worried* That sounds bad.

Cluemaster: Yeah... it happened that the thing they had in common was that they really hate me.

[lonelinessmademecrazy]

You said you've been writing down (or rather, typing up) whatever comes to your head when you first wake up. Would you be comfortable sharing some of the things you've written?

Sure, I see no harm in that. Some of the dates are a bit off due to me forgetting what days I had or had not accounted for.

Also, this will probably have a “read more” section bc this is LONG.

6/1/24

pasta would be better without the wait time. Why can’t it be packaged like udon?

6/2/24

No, I’m not paying for your tax write-off of a vacation

6/3/24

I’m not a monster. I’m not a creature. I’m not a god. I’m human. I’m normal. I’m perfectly normal.

6/6/24

Just like the coocoo bird effect,I killed my false parents. Dug my teeth into their flesh and tore and shred until there was nothing left. Only blood and bone shards.

6/7/24

cheese. not celery. CHEESE. Worst salsa de queso ever

6/9/24

I want chocolate

6/10/24

Feigning humanity only starves me further.

6/11/24

They worship the very thing that will kill them. They know it’ll kill them. Why do they expect appreciation from an old deity?

6/12/24

el conejo es muy delicioso

6/13/24

Tear, rip, shred, filét, slice, stab, scratch, do what I want. I’m so hungry and so angry.

6/15/24

Need to make friends. I’m so lonely

6/16/24

You’re a fucking liar. Go kill yourself.

Better yet, let me do it for you, pathetic waste of flesh.

6/17/24

I’m not a monster. I’d never eat that. I’d never do that. Nobody should worship me.

I’m just a normal human.

6/18/24

Kitty cat!! In car!! I want a pet kitty!

6/21/24

Those macarons were so fucking good. I should go get some more. Vanilla and pistachio

6/22/24

Beach

6/23/24

Water would be nice. It’s so hot

6:24/24

Mayonnaise is such a weird condiment

6/28/24

Cookies and cream flavored milkshakes are the best thing to grace the shelves of my fridge.

6/29/24

How much could a creature possibly need to eat? So many lives lost.

7/1/24

Sleep is for the weak

7/2/24

God, please let me sleep

7/3/24

Sleepy time tea

Check the mail

7/5/24

Cult. It’s a cult. They’re in fucking cult.

They worship the same thing that warned me about them

7/7/24

Don’t let them know

I know

I’m starving

7/9/24

Cake pops would sell so good on campus.

7/10/24

What do you mean you want a cheeseburger combo with no cheese. That’s just a hamburger combo.

No, a combo is just the burger and fries, you’re thinking of a meal. The meal has a drink with it.

7/11/24

I fucking hate fast food, oh my god

7/12/24

My thoughts get louder at night. Just when I think things are changing.

My thoughts get louder at night.

The insistent need to tear and rip and shred. I’d never, though.

I’m not a monster.

Right?

7/13/24

Shut up, you can make your own damn french fries.

7/14/24

I deserve a pay raise

7/15/24

That guy is not even real. Why does everyone think he’s stalking me?

7/18/24

It’s raining so much. I hate hurricane season

7/19/24

Can I PLEASE make it to work without driving through a literal flood??

7/20/24

Burger

Fries

Milkshake?? Eh, ice cream is better

7/21/24

Hunger. It’s all I feel. No matter how much I eat, I’m always hungry.

Maybe I’m not eating the right thing.

7/22/24

My teeth itch every time one of you talks. You’re all so annoying, I just wanna bite out your jugulars.

7/23/24

Bacon jerky

7/24/24

Something claws from deep within, begging for just a taste. Just a drop, a shred, a chunk, a bite.

I don’t want to eat that. That’s gross. But my brain tells me otherwise.

7/25/24

I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet

A pawn and a king

7/26/24

How many lives did they truly live? How many times did they all repeat that same, vicious cycle.

How lucky am I to be an outside viewer.

An observer

7/27/24

Kimchi jiggae and a big ass bottle of strawberry caplico

7/28/24

I want strawberry milk

7/29/24

He’s not the guardian. He’s the voyeur. That fucking liar. You’re just as bad as your captor.

8/1/24

Mmmm steamed egg

8/2/24

Vanilla ice cream

No, strawberry

[transredguy]

how the mcu works is so weird to me. like.. iron man was a fan favorite, but now he's dead in the movie universe. so they'll never make more iron man movies again. because they killed him. and they dont want movies with different continuities. so they just start making movies about lesser known heroes which is cool i guess but that'd be like if batman died in one of the dc movies and they just decided he was dead forever and they started making movies about condiment king instead. actually you know what thatd be awesome. condiment king cinematic universe... but still like. batmans the more marketable character so. what.

[wrencatte]

a longer than normal snippet of bad news this place is magic af chapter 3 because it's 422 in the am and i should really go to bed but im not. (wc: approx 1,151). This is a ROUGH draft

Gotham isn’t alive.

Gotham isn’t not alive.

(It’s complicated.)

But when you have as much as ambient magic that Gotham does – festering, pooling. Nowhere to go. No one use it. It languishes, steeping into the foundations, seeking physical objects to siphon a droplet from a deep, abyssal ocean –

When you have as much ambient magic that Gotham does –

The line between alive and not alive gets a little blurred.

—

Tim lets them laugh, lets Steph’s boundless capacity for banter ease some of them tension. He glances over at Cass and sees it in her expression that she noticed it too – Jason’s shaking hands, the pinch of pain around his eyes, the sheen in them that he keeps blinking away.

It could be blamed on his injuries. Most of it can probably be blamed on his injuries. But he folds his arms over his chest, pressing close in a way that has to hurt the claw marks there, and his nails dig into his sleeves, the fabric of his sweatshirt being the only thing keeping him from drawing blood.

He closes his eyes, exhausted, and cuts in. “It’s still hurting you – the cloaking spell.”

Not a question. A statement of fact.

The banter cuts off, the light teasing dies down. Jason doesn’t look at him, nails burrowing, teeth flashing to bite his lip. His fangs – because that’s what they are no matter how often Bruce calls them elongated canines; he just doesn’t want to admit that Jason has fangs. Some things are too weird for Batman. – split his lip, blood beading up.

“No,” he says.

Steph frowns. “Jason…”

He frowns back, something gleaming beyond the tears in his eyes – and Tim thinks of sunlight through sweet tea and vintage whiskey. “We don’t have time to worry about it,” he snaps with only a quarter of his usual heat. If Tim’s already exhausted, he can’t imagine how Jason feels.

“There’s always time,” Duke says then glances at the ceiling when all Jason does is sneer in response. “Fine – if you wanna be a stubborn asshole about it we’ll let you. For now.” There’s a glow in his eyes to match Jason’s – but golden where Jason’s is copper. The hair on the back of Tim’s neck stands on end and he remembers – he never really forgot – that Duke’s meta-abilities are weird and odd and more and now he’s starting to get an idea of why. “What’s the plan?”

Jason slumps like his strings have been cut. Cass swings her arms over his shoulders, slouching in a way that’s uncharacteristic of her but makes Jason reach up and hold on to keep her from sliding to the ground.

And subsequently makes him stop pressing on his injuries.

“The plan is to figure out where his final circle is going to be and stop him,” Jason says slowly. He presses his lips together. Tim hands him a napkin that he takes without looking, dabbing at the blood almost absently. His eyes flicker across the map, following Duke’s lines from point a to b all the way to m – thirteen points. Twelve like a clock and then one directly in the middle. “That’s smack dab in the middle of the reservoir.”

“The labyrinth,” Tim says. Jason nods. “Great. Just what we needed.”

“I’m sorry, the what?” Duke asks, brows furrowed. The gold in his eyes has faded even if Jason still shimmers copper. “We have a labyrinth?”

“We don’t,” Steph says and she looks absolutely disgusted by the direction this is going. “The Court of Owls, on the other hand, did. Do we really have to?”

Duke pinches the bridge of his nose. “The Court of Owls?” Everyone stares at him. “Hey, don’t look at me like that,” he snaps. “Some of us are new to this whole vigilante business. I’m still in Jason’s era of casefiles!”

Jason groans. “Great,” he mutters.

Tim gives him a sympathetic look that’s ignored. He’s seen the reports from Jason’s time as Robin and they’re not pretty – Rogues like Kite Man and Condiment King weren’t a common place then. It was usually the Families and the darker crimes that really makes Tim wonder who thought it was a good idea to let a teenager on the streets like that. Though, he’s sure Jason had seen worse before he was Robin.

Already files on the Court of Owls are popping up on screen, courtesy of Barbara. Duke leans in, scanning the words, lips moving, his eyes getting wider and wider the further he gets, jaw dropping.

“What?” he whispers. “No, seriously. What?” He gestures frantically at the screen. “Dick? Your, your parents?” he asks Tim.

Tim shrugs. “They were in over their heads,” he says casually. And it is pretty casual. The Court never wanted Tim. They were more pissed that Janet and Jake managed to snub them so well. Tim’s had two years to come to terms with the mess his parents left him with. “It’s actually one of the reasons they traveled so much. The Court did not like them ducking out like they did. Technically they were never official members anyway, too New Money to get more than a foot in the door.”

Babs pulls the files down. “I can send the rest to your tablet,” she tells him. “Let’s focus. Jason, why is he doing this?”

Jason drags a fingertip over the desk surface. Tim watches the motion – it’s not random. It’s…It means something. He traces it out over and over again. Steph ducks down, frowning, waving her hand in front of Jason’s face – he flinches, hand going flat on the desk.

“Magic,” Jason says.

“We’ve established that,” Tim replies.

He shakes his head, drags a hand down his face, winces when he pulls at the marks on his face. “No. Listen. Magic is pretty much everywhere. There’s, like, maybe two places on this planet where magic is null and only the Sorcerer Supreme knows where they are.”

“And that’s?”

“Currently it’s Zatanna Zatara,” Jason says with a smirk. Steph claps her hands, eyes sparkling. “Yeah, thought you might like that. She’s been Sorcerer Supreme for about…five years now? After Kent stopped being Doctor Fate and Khalid picked up the mantle. Gotham is not null.”

Duke quirks an eyebrow. “But no one here uses magic.”

Jason nods. “And that’s the problem. Magicians don’t come to Gotham – not because Batman asked nicely or anything, but it’s disgusting here.” He swallows thickly, looking like he might be sick. Tim hands him another orange juice and he takes it even though he rolls his eyes. “Magic has to be used. It’s gotta flow. It doesn’t even have to be a person – or the equivalent of one. Those magical objects we’ve dealt with over the years? That’s Gotham’s magic trying to find some outlet before it explodes like a powder keg. That’s the only reason we’re not suffering a weird magical plague.”

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Oh I’m actually familiar with the Yellow Peril egg lmao. And DC keeps trying to bring him back too.

He's genuinely one of my favorite villains, I am utterly fascinated by weird and baffling comic book villains and the racist egg man is up there. I do love the fact they keep trying to somehow reinvent him with it just never working out because it's never weird enough to ignore the wacky racism and it always ends up being less intriguing than a giant evil egg with a prehensile mustache

(Oh and for a taste of what comic book villains I like, here's some of my favorites I've come across: MODOK and Mysterio are my top 2, and then there's Mojo, John Sublime, Sauron, Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man, Polka-Dot Man, Crazy Quilt, Starro, Ego the Living Planet, Condiment King, Xenmu, Zzzax... I'm sure you get the idea)

[mushroomjeremy]

SCP but as Food v1

I was going to make these into warm up sketches to practice drawing food, but feel like sharing. Here are some weird version of a small collection of SCP as food. It's a small mix between anomalies made it to food or just food vaguely based on them.

~~~

I'm a sucker for keys so here's the ones useful for this post. If some of these are null squares theres nothing I can do.

How it written:

🤍- Havent written up yet/vague idea

💗- Detailed recipes

👑 - Either the foods is to much food or to many different foods

🔧 - Self Assembly 

Type:

🍞- Bakery

🥩 - Grilled

🥣- Soup 

🍨 - Dessert

🍬- Candy

🥗- Salads

🥤- Drink

🥃- Alcohol

🍶- Condiment

Diet:

🐜- Arthropods/Insects

🥬- Vegetarian 

🍖- Meat

🐟- Fish

Taste:

🔥- Spicy

🍯- Sweet

Ingredients:

🧀 - Cheese

☢ - Blood/raw meat/raw egg/fermentation are an ingredient

🧭 - Exotic aka made of stuff real hard to get or just don't exist (examples being tree syrups not from maples, raw reindeer meat, anomalous item themselves, ect.)

~~~

SCP 001 The Scarlet King 🤍 ☢👑

A full table of 3 full seven course meals, one for each law (Blood, Howling, Concrete) Law of Blood food probably has blood, something that make the food offly red like beets, and spicy. Law of Concrete is stuff that just powders or looks like a brick or both. Law of Howling is going to be tricky.

SCP 009 🧭🥤🍯

Red ice cherry slushie

SCP 058 🍖🔥🥩

Spicy grilled beef heart with sauteed onions and red chimichurri sauce

SCP 111 🧭🐜 🔥

Spicy dragon snail escargot

Scp 166 ☢🧭🥗🍖

Reindeer carpaccio salad

SCP 999 💗🍞🍨🍯

Tart layered with jam, whip cream, and orange jello topped with a candied blood orange

SCP 1489 🤍

Mutton fusilli bucati pasta dish with a grey or black coloring to it

SCP 2317 🥤🔧 

Self-brewing cinnamon hazelnut coffee on hot salt (like Turkish coffee)

SCP 2360 🤍🍞🥤

Oil/metal looking doritos, drip, and energy drink (GFuel offbrand)

SCP 3001 💗🍬🥬

Large pomegranate boba pearl encased in a hard candy shell topped with black cherry carmel drizzle

SCP 3301 🍨🔧

Gingerbread house kit that makes a small world map.

SCP 3739  🧀

Mind Milk™ cottage cheese bowl 

SCP Yeah that one ☢🥣🍖🔥🍶

Spicy blood stew with chuck roast topped with white habanero n pineapple hot sauce

A - Spicy veal sausage. A whole big roll of it.

B - Ghost pepper corn chowder

Dr. Bright 🤍

Place holder to show that a food item based off scp 963 isnt the same as a food item based off Jack Bright himself. Thinking something made with whiskey/moonshine or just straight up a whiskey or moonshine… or both honestly.

Dr. Clef 💗🧭🍞

Three colored waffles (one blue, one green, and a barley one) sandwiched between with coconut sugar glaze than topped with thick corn chowder and unnecessary large amount of Corymbia terminalis sap syrup (I have no idea if that sap is even edible/if you can even tap the tree to get enough to make a syrup)

Lady Agora 🤍🍞 🍨

Blood Cornbread Bread Pudding with red colored custard and honey also maybe some herbs/spices/flowers with some magic meanings.

Pangloss 🤍

Little Diy Hotpot

Children of the Scarlet King🥃🍯

Warm red koolaid with alcohol and clumpy jello also candied blood orange and salty foam topping with sour or cinnamon rimming.

Chr*stian Ministries of America🤍 ☢ (I hate censoring stuff but im really not in the mood for the jesus people that dont know this is a fictional group today, be glad I haven't done the vore jesus one yet)

Can Jeremy not place actual blood in a food for once? It’s harder than you’d think. Thinking blood wine… or that weird communion wafer nachos.

Pope Soap Costk Crosstest 🤍 ☢ 🐟

Spicy raw squid with edible foam, also maybe blood sauce dipping and/or apples/whale blubber

~~~

I hope someone enjoy reading this cursed cookbook of ideas. I think I got pretty creative and most stuff here is edible with some just needing replacement ingredients for unattainable items... except all the blood recipes that can be made just cook your pasteurized blood correctly for your own sake.

[autism-aint-a-flawtism]

Plastic Man's Adventures in the DC Universe! Now with undertones of angst!

Eel O'Brian liked to consider himself a simple man. You know, single father, likes to make people laugh, one of the only members of the Justice League that Batman is actively afraid of. You know, normal everyday Joe stuff. He'd tell you his origin, but he's a little embarrassed to tell people that he used to be a goon for Zebra Man of all people. But, that conflicted with his feeling of pride that Batman of all people is basically his parole officer. Overall, when people ask Eel O'Brian what his origin is, he typically just tells them "Zebras". That typically leaves the audience confused enough for him to be satisfied.

O'Brian and Batman had just finished a mission that required him to turn into a key that Bruce couldn't make a conventional copy of. O'Brian was waiting in the Batcave for Bruce to change out of his costume. Some idiot hired the Condiment King of all people and Bruce's costume was completely covered in yellow, red and green paste.

Alred approached O'Brian with a cup of tea in hand

"Tea, Master O'Brian?"

Plas gave Alfred a loving look. Alfred's been nothing but kind to Plastic Man. Plas has honestly considered inviting him to Thanksgiving multiple times. But, he just figured it would be weird.

"Please Alf, you can call me Plas. And is that earl gray?"

Alfred gave O'Brian a warm grin. O'Brian was admittedly one of his favorite Justice League visitors aside from Diana. Everybody else in the league acts awkward when they visit the cave. O'Brian and Diana act their own version of casual around him. It's refreshing.

"Yes sir it is."

Plas took a sip of his tea. He loved it. He morphed his face into a thumbs up

"It's awesome Alf. Thank you!"

Plas' face turned into a question mark

"Ooooo, is that a dash of honey?"

Alfred gave O'Brian a surprised face

"How did you detect that? Not even Master Bruce has noticed the dash of honey."

O'Brian morphed his face back to normal

"Nobody realizes my powers affect my taste buds."

Alfred gave a look of intrigue

"Fascinating"

The two gentlemen drink their tea in silence. Not awkward silence, but a familial sense of silence. O'Brian morphed his body into random geometrical shapes, it's his equivalent to stimming. Alfred didn't mind. After O'Brian finished his tea, he noticed that Robin was standing in front of a display of a Robin costume

"What's up with Robin? He's normally a lot more cheery than that."

"You're referring to Master Grayson. Master Bruce got a new ward. His name is Jason Todd. Master Bruce decided to adopt him after he tried to steal the tires off the Batmobile."

O'Brian's eyes slightly widened out of pure shock and intrigue

"Master Jason is a little...jaded. Almost reminds me of somebody else I used to know,"

Alfred gave O'Brian a glance

"Perhaps, Master Todd could benefit from hearing from somebody who used to live a life like his old one."

O'Brian gave Alfred a glance

"Okay Alf, I'm hesitant to do this, but your voice normally sounds like my common sense. So, I'll do it."

O'Brian proceeded to morph himself into a slinkie and made his way over to Jason. He noticed that Jason was bloodied up. He looked livid. All he could do is look at Dick Grayson's old costume

"What are you looking at?"

Plas morphs back into a human form

"Are you talking to me or the mannequin?"

Jason gave a scowl

"Take a shot in the dark"

"Wow, so I guess you definitely got Bats' signature scowl"

"What do you want, clown?"

"Wrong character, my derogatory pronouns are idiot/moron"

Jason's scowl turned into confusion

"What the hell?"

"Forget it. I just wanted to tell you that I get what you're going through. And if you need to talk to som-"

Jason snapped

"YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT BEING A STREET RAT!"

O'Brian stood in silence

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT IS TO HAVE AN ADOPTED FATHER WHO BEATS UP PEOPLE THAT YOU USED TO PERSONALLY KNOW! TO HAVE AN ADOPTED FATHER THAT KEEPS ON COMPARING YOU TO HIS LAST ADOPTED SON!"

O'Brian stood, listening to every word Jason had to yell at him in frustration. He held himself in a composed manner

"Woozy Winks"

"What?"

"Woozy Winks was my best friend, my literal partner in crime. The day your dad found me was the same day that he died. Just some Joker goon that was feeling spiteful. Shot him three times in the chest. He told me to run off before he reloads. Before that, I had to live on the streets. Doing things that you probably had to do, too. I know you think I'm a buffoon. I probably am. But at the very least, I can tell you that I know what you're going through."

Jason turned red in embarrassment, shame, guilt. He realized that he was shutting himself off like Bruce did. He had always told himself that he was going to be better than Bruce. How could he be so stupid?

O'Brian takes a knee and looks Jason in the eyes

"You're a pretty good kid, you'll get up-"

Jason hugged him and cried. O'Brian didn't know what to do. He only had a kid a couple of years younger than Jason and Luke was never this much. So, O'Brian did the only thing he could think of doing: the thing Batman would do to help somebody crying and in need

"Hey kid, do you wanna join us for dinner?"

[batpham-discord-highlights]

2024 April fools and Anniversary Event Prompt List part 6

See what the event was and it's rule here!

Hero! Prompts:

Hero Lisa

Gotham AU has classes at 2 am, because that's when some people can attend. Jazz had no idea and now she is in a class with a very cute girl that glares at everyone and everything, claiming that "her dad put her to it". Anyway, Rose wants to go back doing her own stuff and she wants Slade to leave her alone

Hero Cashmire

Damian likes to draw. It's relaxing and he's good at it. When he ends up with a cast on his dominant arm after a patrol, leaving him temporarily unable to hold a pencil, it hits him harder that he wants to admit.

Every hero has a theme song, even if they don't know it. It's not something that's consciously playing, it's the soundtrack of the universe, unhearable but effecting reality all the same. Unless you're Danny, the ancient of space that is. He can hear everyone's themes because he can hear the fabric of the universe playing for them. Sometimes it's a beautiful symphonic masterpiece. Sometimes it's a JL meeting where everyone's yelling and their themes are in all sorts of keys and it's making Danny's head hurt

Hero Owen

Tim Drake is not in Kansas anymore, Toto. Last he knew, he was at the Batcomputer chugging along on 2 cups of coffee and 6 energy drinks. But now the sky is green and the ground is blue, and a blood red castle towers over him with what is definitely a face for an archway. And what is that black and white blob floating in the doorway?!

Tim should sleep. He really should sleep. He’s been seeing the weird shadow figure out of the corner of his eye for over 24 hours now, and it has evaded all attempts to be looked at directly. Not to mention, he’s tripped over five different things, hit seven corners, and misplaced three cups of various liquids. When his luck hit the fan like this, it was usually a sign he should sleep. It was weird it was happening so quickly though. It’s only been 3 days since his last proper night of sleep, and usually it took at least a week for things to get like this. In other news, Danny was having a great time. Which was suspicious considering it was the anniversary of when he met Johnny and Kitty, and the bastard of bad luck liked to make a holiday out of it and send Shadow to mess up his day.

Villains! Prompts:

Villain Ky

The speedsters tend to vibrate at just the right frequency for danny, and most other realms folk, to interpret as as a soulscream. So, they’re kinda screaming in agony nonstop and nobody knows how to tell them this.

Pushed to the limit, Condiment King finally turns to the one thing known to stain any and everything: ectoplasm.

Villain BreKitten

Tim and Jason were just chilling (they totally weren't fighting, totally) in the Batcave when suddenly, they appeared on a strange purple island, surrounded by a sky of Lazarus green. According to the floating robot, they have to fight - and win against - his champion to escape. His champion? A white-haired, green-eyed teenager that clearly does not want to fight them.

The Justice League is cursed to eat one food and one food only until they find the cure - the last thing they ate before they were cursed.

Villain Gremlin

Bart had been crushing on a person from his past (future) for years, never expecting to see him again, until a new hero pops up in the JL with a wonderful ghostly glow

If anyone wants to use and post with these prompts the Ao3 collection link is here, or post with #April Fools event 2024