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cyberphuck · 2 years ago

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ASSASSIN’S APPRENTICE ABRIDGED: PART FOUR

My friend Razz wants to understand my shitposting about the Farseer Trilogy, but doesn’t want to have to read the books, so I’m summarizing it for them!

EDIT: Halfway through Jhaampe I start calling “The Big Turnip” the “Big Onion” instead and I can’t be arsed to fix it.

Read Previous Entries!

Alright Bastards and Old Bloods, this is it: the final entry and JUMBO-LENGTH conclusion to Assassin’s Apprentice Abridged!

- Excerpt from Chade Fallstar's private writings, Grune 28th, 1497:

Dear Diary, the other day we caught a little zombie-Forged girl and I've been keeping her in a jar with a stick and a leaf. If I shake the jar, she talks. She knows who she is and who her family is, and she also knows a lot of swear words. I gave her some bread when she wasn't hungry and she said "shove it up your ugly ass." I tried to teach her a trick and she bit me. I decided to send her to live on a farm upstate along with Chivalry and Prince Regal's mom.

Love, Chadey.

While Chade has been playing Jane Goodall with Forged people, Fitz has been very busy being an alcoholic. One evening, Chade calls Fitz up into his wall-hole and says "It's time for you to stop being a drunk and for the readers to remember who Prince Verity is."

"Why is there a hay bale in the corner of your--"

"Prince Verity is Chivalry's younger brother and currently King-in-Waiting for the throne," the Fool says, lounging underneath the hay bale. "That makes Prince Regal next in line after Verity. Just so you know."

"Right," Chade nods. "Fitz, your job from now on is to hang out with Verity in his Fortress of Solitude and do whatever he wants you to do."

"I'm fourteen," Fitz says.

"Don't argue with me, boy, I've got a wedding to plan. By the way, did you ever figure out who tried to kill Burrich?"

Fitz shrugs. "I figured somebody tried to kill him because he's Burrich."

"Ah yes, the age-old solution of 'things just happen, what the hell," Chade rolls his eyes. "Well, go on, shoo. Go bother Verity."

Sighing, Fitz climbs thirty-nine flights of stairs to where Verity is sitting in his empty tower room and staring out the window. "Breakfast, your highness," Fitz announces.

"Ew," Verity moans.

"There's also a cup of tea with enough caffeine in it to kill some sort of very big gray trumpet animal," Fitz offers.

"Yeah, okay, I'll take that."

"So, uh," Fitz says, standing there awkwardly as Verity drinks an amount of stimulant that should make his heart explode, "watcha doin up here?"

"Defending the kingdom."

Fitz looks out the window at the ocean. He looks back at Verity. "Like... with a gun?"

Verity smiles softly. "Oh, you're stupid. I like that in a person I'm going to use as a tool for the rest of my life."

"I like you, too," Fitz says, tail wagging.

"I'm using the Skill to confuse the Vikings so they won't raid our shit and turn our people into zombies," Verity explains. "I'd ask Galen's Skill students to help but they're pretty useless. Hey, didn't Galen teach YOU how to Skill?"

"Oh, he tried but I'm bad at it, it's because I'm a basta-- HHHHGGGHHGHGHHGHHHHHH KEPPET.EXE HAS ENCOUNTERED A PROBLEM AND NEEDS TO GHHHGH TROJAN DETECTED TAKE ACTION TO PREVENT GHHGGHHHH HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CLICK HERE TO CHAT GHHGHGGGHHHHHH"

"Huh," Verity says after thoroughly mentally assaulting Fitz without warning or permission. "Looks like someone used the Skill to convince you you were bad at Skilling. That’s just one of the many things the Skill can do that I will reveal to you whenever I feel like it, which will usually be AFTER you need to know.”

"I think I need an adult," Fitz whimpers from the floor.

Verity chuckles fondly. "I am an adult. Too bad I don't really have time to teach you to Skill properly. That probably won't come back to bite us. Run along now, stop crying. Oh, and see if Chade can get you to murder that gross noble two counties over."

A few weeks later, at breakfast, Fitz tries to eat Coco Puffs as quietly as possible while Verity and Shrewd argue.

"I don't WANT to get married," Verity says for the eighteenth time. "I've gotta keep sitting in the Martyr Tower and keeping Vikings from attacking us!"

"Well guess what, bucko, I'm your father AND your king and if I say you're getting married then you fucking are!" Shrewd rage-butters a scone. "And I swear to Eda if you pull a Malicious Compliance like your older brother and marry the absolute worst candidate for queen you can find then I'll look the other way when YOU'RE assassinated too!"

Fitz slowly reaches for the cereal box, eyes wide.

"It'll be good for morale, Verity," Shrewd goes on. "Everybody'll be like, 'oh, if the Prince is getting married and pumping babies into some foreign woman then being murdered by Vikings really isn't that bad!'"

"And who did Regal choose for me to be married to?" Verity asks.

Shrewd looks at the smudged writing on his hand. "The Kraken," he announces.

"You mean Kettricken?" Verity says. "The mountain princess? I'm like twice her age. And I don't have time to go to the mountains to grab her, Vikings will totally Vike you all while I'm gone!"

"Well SOMEBODY'S gotta go up there and grab her," Shrewd insists.

"Figure it out," Verity snaps as he storms out of the room. "And by the way, Fitz has been sitting there eating six bowls of sugar cereal because he has no adult supervision!"

He slams the door.

"Hi Grandpa Shrewd," Fitz says into the silence.

"Hello, Lil Accident. Just so you know, Kettricken is only second in line to the mountain throne. First is her brother Rurisk, who took an arrow to the chest a couple years back and now is about to die from Being Poisoned to Get Him Out of the Way."

"Yes Grandpa Shrewd.”

Chade Spidermans down from the ceiling. "You're sending him and not me? Why?"

"Plot reasons," Shrewd says, taking the cereal box away from Fitz.

"Oh boy," Fitz says, jumping up. "I'm gonna go tell my friend the Fool!"

The Fool's not in his room, but a bunch of other cool stuff is: every Lego set from 1973 onward, a bunch of those neon-colored ponchos from the 90's, Sudoku puzzles completed in ballpoint pen, and A BABY????

Oh wait, that's a doll. Looks like a baby though. Weird.

Next Fitz goes to visit Patience. Patience is sifting through an old jewelry box; she sits Fitz down so she can hold different things up to him and see how they look.

"Hmm. No, too subtle... this one's too gaudy. Ah, yes, this one." Patience pulls out a black collar with the word DADDY on it in gold letters. "Yes, this is perfect. Put it on, Fitz."

It's eventually decided that since Verity can't go to the mountains, Regal is going to be a stand-in at the wedding and then they'll have another wedding later when the Kraken comes down to Buckkeep. Fitz is loading up the horse-van for the journey when the Fool cartwheels up to him.

"I have something for you," the Fool jingles.

"I didn't go in your room and touch your doll or accidentally drop your seven thousand five hundred and forty one piece Millenium Falcon Lego set," Fitz blurts.

"Take this Pepto Bismol," the Fool says, "and don't eat anything weird in the mountains."

"Don't worry about me, Fool," Fitz laughs. "I'm sure nothing bad'll happen."

Fitz goes on a road trip. August, Fitz's cousin and current member of the Skill Gang, is going with them to help Verity Skill-connect to the wedding when it's time. Hands the stableboy is also there, which is nice, because they're taking the I-5 to Jhaampe, the mountain capital, and there's not a lot to look at on the way. They travel through a lot of places that Fitz is just going to have to travel through again in two books while being chased by Regal, so all he really notices is that there's a shitton of grass, a bigass lake, and only one set of hot girls who want to give him and hands their first sexual experience (the girls' mom shows up and hits them with a sandal until they go home).

The wedding party climbs into the foothills of the mountain kingdom, and there waiting for them are... the Vikings?

Okay, so the group of seafaring raiders that I've been referring to as "The Vikings" are culturally sort of more like Mongol raiders. It's not really a one-to-one comparison but the important point here is that the mountain people are what we in the real world would typically imagine Vikings to be, except that here in the Six Duchies the Vikings are the Vikings and the mountain people only LOOK like Vikings, Fitz is Simba, Regal is Scar and I think the Fool is Horatio.

Are we clear? Alright moving on.

Fitz and co. are greeted by a welcoming party of mountain people, who are tall and pale and blond. They're super friendly and cheerful, singing the Songs of Their People and totally confusing Hands, who doesn't speak Mountain. Fitz doesn't speak Mountain either, probably. Maybe.

They arrive in Jhaampe, where the buildings look like if you cut off the tops of the towers in Red Square or planted a bunch of turnips upside down. A second welcoming party pops up, and when August and his cronies complain that their feet are tired and they don't feel like walking anymore, the mountain peeps carry them into the city on planks. Fitz is extremely embarrassed by this and is trying not to cringe all the way down into his tights.

To seem less like a lazy dick who makes strangers carry him places for no reason, Fitz strikes up a conversation with one of the old ladies carrying his plank. Her name is Jonqui and she knows a lot about the city, and slows the plank down so she can point out interesting landmarks and gardens.

"Pull-Out Fail speaks good Mountain," she remarks, grinning. "Maybe he learned as a tadpole?"

"I'm just super good with languages I probably grew up speaking," Fitz shrugs.

They arrive at the biggest turnip, which serves as Jhaampe's royal palace. Jonqui escorts Fitz inside and he finds that it's not really a palace, it's more like a tent made out of a tree, with a lot of open space in the middle, and there's not a whole lot of private spaces that he might use to murder their prince.

Whatever, he'll figure it out.

"Come, Pull-Out Fail," Jonqui says, herding Fitz to a center stage. "We will watch our Shift Manager present his Shift Manager to be your Shift Manager."

"Shift Manager?"

"Yes, that is what we call our royalty. When someone comes to demand to speak to the person in charge, the Shift Manager is the one we have chosen to throw under the bus," Jonqui explains. "It is a very important duty."

Besides King Eyod, who is an old person, there are two random mountain folk in white dresses. Fitz eyeballs them and wonders where the rest of the royal family is. "The girl one," Jonqui says, elbowing Fitz, "she is my niece."

"Neat," Fitz yawns, still looking around for someone wearing a crown. "That other guy looks like He-Man."

"Yes, he is my nephew."

Gifts are exchanged.

"This isn't going to be like that one scene in Midsommar, is it?" Fitz asks warily. "You're not going to like, set these people on fire?"

"This," King Eyod announces, taking He-Man by the shoulder, "is my son, Shift Manager Rurisk, first in line to the throne of the mountain kingdom. And here is Shift Manager Kettricken, who shall marry the Shift Manager of the Six Duchies and become their General Manager, She Who Sets the Schedule."

There is general oohing and ahhing and applause. Fitz realizes he's been chatting boredly with the King's sister this entire time. Why hadn't Regal sent any kind of message to the wedding party ahead of time to warn them that the mountain people liked to play Undercover Boss? No, Regal had just texted to remind them to bring his Gucci underwear, the dick.

Jonqui drags Fitz over to meet Kettricken and Rurisk. "Kids, this is Pull-Out Fail Farseer," she says. "Now you go run along and play, and be back when the streetlights come on."

"Yes, in our language we call him 'The Bastard' because he sucks," August chimes in helpfully. Rurisk glares at him.

"Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says. "I knew your father. And I spoke with him, on the day that he'd learned that he'd knocked up one of our people. He was a good man."

"This joke is getting kind of old," Fitz says. "Listen, my name is Fitzchivalry--"

"Oh, Fitzchivalry Farseer?" Kettricken brightens. "You poison people, right? Regal told me all about you and how you run around with Lady Thyme murdering people in the Six Duchies. It's so good to finally meet you!"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Fitz replies articulately.

"Come on," Kettricken says excitedly, "let's go to the herb garden. I heard you like herbs."

On the way out to the herb garden, Fitz forgets that Kettricken knows he's an assassin and notices she has boobs, because he's fourteen. Together they get enthused about plants and shit, and they take a stroll around the herbs.

"Taste this one, it's really weird," Kettricken says. "... What's that thudding noise? With a jingle? It sounds like someone's court jester is banging their head against a wall."

"I hear that a lot," Fitz shrugs. "I usually just ignore it. You said to eat this plant I've never heard of? Mm, spicy!"

"So," Kettricken asks as she stops a speeding train with one muscular arm, "what's my future husband like? Shift Manager Regal told me that he's really old and nasty and that he just sits in a recliner watching Fox News all day."

"He's thirty two," Fitz tells her, mentally adding a dick to the big ol' bag that he wishes Regal would eat. "Verity is super nice, and funny, and he has fun hobbies and he likes animals. He's really handsome, too, he has gorgeous black hair and shining eyes and big broad shoulders and a really nice ass--"

"So Shift Manager Regal lied to me." Kettricken frowns, biting her lip. "Does he lie about a lot of things?"

"They hang people in my country for having an opinion on that," Fitz says.

"Regal was six Jagerbombs deep one night and told me all about how you loved sneaking around and killing people," Kettricken confesses. "He said that if you showed up with the wedding party, it meant that you were here to poison my brother to get him out of the way and make me the heir to the mountains."

"What haha that's weird what a weird thing to say haha," Fitz stammers, foaming at the mouth.

Rurisk and Jonqui come running down the path to fetch Kettricken, telling her that there's a thing at the thing she has to do, remember that thing? And Fitz smiles and waves bye to them and then walks happily back to his room in the tree-palace and starts frantically digging through his stuff for the Pepto Bismol the Fool gave him.

Rurisk bursts into the room at five the next morning, waving a bottle of Mountain Bismol. "Pull-Out Fail, are you still alive?!"

"I wish I wasn't," Fitz moans, face pressed against the rug. "Get away from me with that."

"He's not dead, no thanks to you," Rurisk says, glaring at Kettricken as she peeks into the doorway wearing footie pajamas. "Go get us some breakfast, and don't fucking poison it!"

Fitz tries to stand up and faceplants on the bed. "Stop making the floor move."

"Someone told Kettricken you were here to kill me," Rurisk explains. "I told her not to worry about it, but she thought it'd be a good idea to trick you into eating what we call Fentanyl Flowers and then not tell me about it until fifteen minutes ago."

Kettricken comes back into the room with donuts and coffee. Rurisk breaks a donut into three pieces, giving each of them a piece. "And if this is poisoned, you've killed us all," he warns.

"Oh my god, that was one time," Kettricken whines.

"Listen, Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says earnestly. "My little dinky mountain kingdom needs the space for farmland down on your big prairies. We need cool stuff from the town that the Liveship Traders books take place in. We need a beach for our college students to go to on Spring Break. So I'm willing to give you ethically sourced furs, good lumber for warships, and my hot little sister as trade."

Fitz pauses with a donut halfway to his mouth. "What do you mean, 'ethically sourced furs'?"

"We shave bears. It's not important right now. What is important is that you don't have to kill me to get me out of the way, because I'm on YOUR side. Do you get me?"

"I get you," Fitz nods.

"Good. Now I'm going the fuck back to bed. Kettricken, don't poison anybody on the way back to your room."

"If you don't stop I'm gonna tell DAD--"

Fitz lays back on the bed. He closes his eyes and wonders if communism should be a thing. Then he thinks, no, having a monarchy is definitely a good idea. What could go wrong with having a ruling class of divine-right royalty who are constantly murdering each other for the throne? And surely there's no drawback to having a Prince that's an evil little shit who commits crimes against humanity with no fear of punishment or reprisal.

Yeah. Kings are the best.

The next day Rurisk invites Fitz out to the dog kennels. Fitz loves dogs! Then they turn a corner to find a very old hound dog whose jowls, ears, belly and tail are all dragging on the ground as he waddles up to them, and the music swells as Fitz cries "Nosy!!" and kneels down to hug him.

"That's my loyal old hound dog," Rurisk says. "Burrich the stablemaster sent him to me in a little basket with a bow on it years ago."

"I had a socially unnacceptable soul-bond with this dog," Fitz explains.

"Gross," Rurisk smiles. "Anyway, I gotta go do Prince stuff. Smell you later."

Fitz immediately goes to find Burrich, who is in the Big Turnip presenting a horse to Kettricken as a wedding present. Cob--

Wait, there's a note here. It says, "Cob is the stable boy that Fitz and Nosy met when they first came to Buckkeep." There's a piece of straw taped to it.

Cob is there too, and he makes sure to give Fitz the middle finger as he approaches.

"Burrich, I need to talk to you," Fitz says. "I just found out you didn't kill Nosy when I was little."

Burrich stops what he's doing and turns slowly to stare at him. "I'm sorry, you thought I killed a puppy? Jesus, no wonder you were so twitchy as a kid."

"But you didn't kill a puppy," Fitz says. "And we can still be friends."

"You thought I was a monster who would [BUILD A ROCKET SHIP SO THAT AN ANIMAL COULD RETURN TO ITS HOME PLANET] if I'd found out you'd bonded with it, but you turned around and bonded with another fucking puppy," Burrich growls. "Which I told you is nasty, so no, we can't be friends."

Fitz drags himself sadly back to the Big Turnip.

That night, Fitz is getting ready for bed when Regal's servant turns up at his door. "Hey fuckwad, Prince Regal wants to talk to you," he says, and drags Fitz by the wrist up to Regal's royal Regal room.

Regal is chilling in his chambers doing epic bong rips out of the skull of a dead orphan, like not a dirty street urchin, but specifically an adorable little ragamuffin with soot on their little tophat that flew off comically when Regal took them out from five hundred yards away with a sniper rifle. "What's up, DICKchivalry," he sneers, then high-fives one of his minions.

"Hi," Fitz says, forcing a smile.

"Have you gotten around to murdering Prince Rurisk yet?" Regal coughs.

"Uh."

"Uh," Regal says mockingly. "God, you're stupid. Isn't he stupid, minion who has no business hearing any of this?"

"Absolutely idiotic, my Prince."

"Prince Rurisk said he's on our side," Fitz says, "and that he wants us to have the lumber we need and his sister and everything. I figured maybe it'd be better to like, not kill him."

"Alright, since you're too dumb to plan an assassination, I'll figure it out for you," Regal says as his minion loads another bowl. "I want him graveyard dead before the wedding so he doesn't stand next to me and make me look short. Now fuck off."

Fitz fucks off with many a backward glance, wondering what the fuck he's supposed to do now. There's no signal in the mountains so he can't send a message to Chade or King Shrewd to tell him that Rurisk is cool actually, and even though Regal sucks, like, REALLY sucks, he IS a Prince and Fitz is a tool of the Crown so he does technically have to follow orders.

What the fuck is Regal's problem? Fitz thinks while brushing his teeth the next morning. Why did he tell Kettricken that I'm an assassin? Why does he want Rurisk dead so bad when Ru-Dawg is on our side? Gosh, I wish I could talk to Chade or Verity or Grandpa Shrewd or literally anyone, but they're so far away, and--

Oh right, the Skill.

"AUGUST," Fitz pants, sneakers squeaking as he skids to a halt in front of his cousin. "I've been looking everywhere for you. Look: do you see this silver pin, with the ruby in it? King Shrewd gave this to me when I was nine and sitting under a table eating leftover pies. The Fool and Regal were there too, and there were some puppies, and King Shrewd knelt down and gave me the pin and told me that if I ever needed to talk to him, I could just show this pin at his door and he'd let me talk to him, no matter what, and there's something really important going on so I need you to send a Skill message to him right now."

August looks at him for a minute. "No," he says finally, and turns to leave.

Fitz grabs his sleeve. "August you HAVE to let me talk to Shrewd, there are LIVES at stake!"

"Okay fine, jeez," August says, shaking him off. "I'll get Shrewd on the line."

"Great! Great. Okay. Tell him, uh." Fitz takes a deep breath. "Tell him Prince Rurisk is doing great and I don't think we should kill hi-- uhhhhhhhhh, I mean GIVE him the PRESENT that we were going to POISON him with."

"You're such a fucking spaz," August mutters, closing his eyes to make a Skill Call. Then he shrugs. "It went straight to voicemail."

"Redial," Fitz says desperately.

"No, I've got important cousin shit to do, including telling Regal that you just tried to get me to dial long distance to talk to the King." August walks across the palace to talk to Regal, but the Prince is high as fuck and doesn't care.

Fitz leans against the wall and makes a thinky face. "Maybe I could kill Regal," he says for what will be the first of several hundred times. "Eh, probably not worth it."

That night, Regal's minion gives Fitz a little secret packet of horrible deadly poison. "Regal gave me this to give to you to give to Prince Rurisk," he says. "Put it in his drink and make it look like an accident."

"Did King Shrewd send me here as some kind of complicated political maneuver where I would kill Rurisk and then be publicly hanged for murder so no one would find out that we killed Rurisk for political gain?" Fitz asks.

"Take the fucking accident powder," the minion snaps.

Fitz walks through the Big Onion to Kettricken's door, where he knocks and tells her that he's going to kill her brother. Then he goes to Rurisk's room, with Kettricken following behind. He sits down at Rurisk's table and dumps the accident powder into a glass of wine while Rurisk watches. Then they both drink from a different glass.

"Kind of sucks that Shift Manager Regal told everyone you're an assassin, Pull-Out Fail," Rurisk says. "You wanna hang out here in the mountain kingdom so you don't end up at the bottom of a lake with your feet encased in concrete?"

"Maybe," Fitz says. "I think somebody's supposed to catch me in the act of killing you just now, will you let them in?"

Cob bursts in the door. "Caught you red handed poisoning the Prin-- OH FUCK KETTRICKEN YOU DIDN'T DRINK THAT WINE DID YOU??"

"No, why?"

Rurisk falls over dead.

"Wait, why is he dead, we both drank from the same gl-- wow, I do NOT feel so great," Fitz says, foaming at the mouth again.

Cob grabs him. "I sent Smithy to space," he grins.

"Yeah, well I have a poisoned knife," Fitz replies, stabbing him with it.

"Sweet mountain Jesus, someone stop him, he's killing everyone!" Kettricken yells, then realizes she's holding a heavy metal object and beans Fitz in the head with it.

Fitz wakes up in the stables outside the Big Onion with Regal already monologuing over him. "I wanted you dead because you and Lady Thyme poisoned my mother!"

"Queen Desire, Shrewd's second queen who died at some point in this book but Fitz literally cared so little that he didn't even mention it," says a nearby hay bale.

"Thank you, hay bale," Regal says. "You thought I didn't know you poisoned her, but I DID know! I also know that you were using Burrich to Skill, but as soon as I had Cob stab him you were forced to stop. I knew ALL of these things!"

"Glag," Fitz says, concussed. Then he closes his eyes, and suddenly he can Skill.

"Hi, Prince Regal," Galen the Skillmaster says. "Are you ready for me to Skill-Kill Prince Verity during the wedding so you can marry Kettricken and be King-in-Waiting?"

"Ugh, but she looks like a Soviet Union propaganda poster," Regal moans.

"Suck it up," Galen says, hitting 'end call.'

Fitz is still laying on his face in the stables. Nosy noses in and ambles over to drool on him, then bites through the ropes Fitz is tied up with. Burrich shows up next.

"You have the Wit," Fitz tries to say, but he's still suffering poison damage and the 'hit in the head' debuff, so it comes out as "Glaggaglah."

"I'm in the closet," Burrich says. "Did King Shrewd turn you into a baby assassin?"

"Glag," Fitz confirms sadly.

Burrich looks back at him, then does a double-take. "Where the fuck did you get that collar that says 'DADDY' on it?" he demands.

"Patience glave it to me."

"I cannot fucking believe this," Burrich mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose. "That's the collar that I gave to your dad."

Fitz looks at him.

"You gave it to Prince Chivalry when he found out about me," Fitz says. "That's why it says 'DADDY,' because that's when he found out he was a father."

"Sure, we'll go with that," Burrich says queerly.

Jonqui, King Eyod's sister, clips through the wall while T-posing. "Come back to the Big Onion," she says. "Kettricken has forgiven you for poisoning her brother. Which I know you didn't do."

They drag Fitz back to his rooms at the Big Onion. While Fitz is trying to remember how to drink water, August shows up at the door. "Verity called," he says boredly. "He said, uh, be loyal to who's loyal to you, or something. Also all of Regal's servants died mysteriously and he wants you to go to the hot springs to help him bathe."

"I do not want to see Regal naked," Fi tz protests, but goes anyway.

Regal's sitting in a hot tub drinking an evil martini when Fitz and Burrich arrive. "Ah, there you are," Regal says. "Hulking Manservant, bang Burrich over the head."

Burrich goes down. Fitz yells timber. Regal drags Fitz over to another hot tub, ignoring the sign that says 'WARNING: DO NOT USE THIS HOT TUB IF YOU HAVE BEEN RECENTLY BETRAYED BY YOUR EVIL UNCLE' and throws him in.

"And that's that," Regal says happily, dusting off his hands, and leaves.

Fitz, flailing around in the water being hot tubbed to death, can suddenly Skill (again). This is great! He Skills joyously. Skilling is rad! I'm gonna call everyone! Hey Verity! VERITY! ... Verity?

"Dearly Beloved..."

The Fool looks up from his Adult Coloring Book. "Hm?"

"We are gathered here today to join these two second bananas in holy matrimony. Do you, Prince Verity..."

Verity! Fitz Skill-yells. Look out!! Skillmaster Galen is standing behind you about to pull a Skill Dracula on you and suck out all your, uh, Skill! That's a thing that can happen apparently!

I am actually Queen Desire's bastard son and Prince Regal's half brother! Galen Skills evilly. I'm pretty sure there's no member of the Farseer reign that HASN'T either sired or given birth to a bastard! Like seriously, as a family we legit just cannot keep our pants on. ANYWAY! I have been conspiring to kill Verity and put Regal on the thro-- oh okay apparently you can just straight kill someone with the Skill too, who knew.

Galen collapses, Skill-dead.

AUGUST, Verity Skill-megaphones into August the Skill-cousin's ear. PUT THE KRAKEN ON THE LINE SO I CAN TELL HER IT WASN'T ME WHO PLOTTED TO KILL PRINCE RURISK. AND ALSO THAT I RESPECT HER AS A PERSON AND WILL GREET HER WHEN SHE ARRIVES AT BUCKKEEP WITH A FIRM HANDSHAKE AND A MANLY NOD.

August's head explodes.

~epilogue~

Fitz and Burrich are later found in a wet, unconscious pile in the steams. Fitz has puncture marks in his wrist from where Nosy pulled him out of his hot tub tomb before climbing into his rocketship and flying back to his home planet.

Though neither of them are dead, Burrich has conveniently forgotten that Fitz is a baby assassin, and Fitz probably can't be a baby assassin anymore because he has about thirty seizures a day due to being poisoned and then poisoned again and then blugeoned and kicked and drowned all in the space of like thirty minutes.

They spend a long time recovering in Jhaampe, even after Kettricken and Regal (remember him? he's still alive) go down to Buckkeep. Burrich tells Fitz that they're friends again and that he'll go wherever Fitz goes because he's wearing the 'DADDY' collar. Fitz says, "Because you... view me as a parental figure? I guess?"

Burrich replies, "Sure. We'll go with that." NEXT TIME, ON DRAGON BOOK Z: Fitz has his Hot Girl Summer, immediately followed by his Shit’s Wack Winter, in ROYAL ASSASSIN ABRIDGED!

#rote #assassin's apprentice #farseer trilogy #fitzchivalry farseer #robin hobb #aa abridged #farseer trilogy abridged

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tiistirtipii · 1 year ago

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bad buddy fandom getting-to-know-you-meme!

I was tagged by the wonderful @hazmatilda to answer some Bad Buddy questions! Thanks for tagging me I feel like I don’t talk about bad buddy enough these days

name and whatever you want to share about yourself

Hii I’m Tii and like Harry I’m also an Australian!

when did you watch bad buddy/join the fandom?

I’ve been in this fandom from the very second the pilot trailer of Bad Buddy dropped at GMMTV2022. The moment i saw Pran lying on top of Pat and saying

“Do you still want us to be just friends?”

“Do you”

I was obsessed. I watched from episode 1 when the episodes finally started coming out but I wasn’t hugely involved in fandom until later on

Favourite ship/s

Somewhere along my bbs journey I got converted into a huge WaiKorn fan. Something about the dynamics mix of enemies with benefits and also best friends to lovers just really hits the spot. Also make it sound good is just so good. But also I love PatPran so so much

Favourite character/s

I gotta love Pran. Me🤝Him fr. I love a good deeply repressed hopeless romantic character who’s really going through it.

Favourite episode/s

Episode 9. I loved seeing PatPran get to date openly at university, just getting the chance to BE boyfriends and care about eachother. Sure Pat got shot but their scene in the hospital was cute and we got to see Pran + the engineering gang as well as Wai and Pat getting along. Also Pat, Pran, Pa and Ink‘a dinner >>>> . Also Ink’s flirting, I can’t believe I went there! Also Korn being the best friend to Pat, sure he teases but when it really matters he’s there for his friend.

Favourite scene/s

Other than THE scene(my thoughts about it)? I love the scene at the benches in ep 9 1/4 where PatPran are comforting eachother after their relationship is revealed, the little things from the less sweet iced tea to holding hands, Pat willing to be the heartbroken one, it was nice to see them being so free with just liking and supporting eachother after pretending not too for so long. Also ep 8 3/4 with PatPran at their houses, it’s so nice to see Pran smile so widely with his cute elevator joke and the hugs and the headphones and shirt.

One thing you would change about the show if you could

More Inkpa. Gmmtv needs to open their eyes and give us the GLs we all want. (Also waikorn canon :))

what are your some of your favorite fanworks made by other people?

Make it sound good is one of my all time favourite fics and is the reason I’m as devoted to waikorn as I am

The soulmate series actually breaks my heart into pieces I love best friends to lovers stories so so much. And I also love it when authors write both povs- you get double the amazingness!

from the tide is a wonderful magic au and I’m a massive sucker for modern magic stories and there are so many little details in this that I adore

Something about The Space Pirate and the Officer of the Law by @dimplesandfierceeyes has me by the throat idk what it is but I love it

Also you can thank @kornswasianguyswag and their amazing art for opening my eyes to the potential of the bbs OT4. I love so many pieces of his.

What are your favourite fanworks you've made?

idk I just make shitposts ok

A song that makes you think of BBS (not in the show)

Uhh. Ride Home by Ben & Ben and Juliet by Cavetown.

Im tagging @dimplesandfierceeyes and @kornswasianguyswag since I already tagged you and I love you, also @dribs-and-drabbles and @telomeke-bbs . No pressure to do it and sorry for tagging you if you’ve already done it.

#bad buddy #bad buddy fandom getting to know you #patpran #ask game #tiistirtipii

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babiebom · 1 year ago

Text

Sdv Bachelor/ettes as the Hatchetfield Universe Characters

A/N:STARKID STARKID STARKID I LOVE SO MUCH also another shitpost? in this economy? More likely than you think. I wanted to do ALL Starkid characters but I think that’s too many options and I will be here for fifty years. Also this is a gift because I started work today and will probably not post anything for a hot minute

A/N pt 2: HAHAHA I STARTED WRITING THIS MY FIRST WEEK AND IMMEDIATELY GOT SICK SO IVE BEEN OUT OF WORK FOR A WEEK

Tw: maybe some spoilers for both the game and the musicals, cursing, mentions of abuse, murder, and some other stuff

Wc: idk it’s headcanons bb it’s gonna be at least 3 points though

Sdv Masterlist

Sebastian

Ethan Green(Black Friday)

Resident emo/badboy duo

I do think that as a teenager he would run away with someone that he thinks that he’s in love with to give them a better life even if he’s mistaken about how hard it is

Like he just seems like that type of guy

Like he would be the “yeah babe your family sucks let’s get out of here and be on our own” type of guy

I also think that he would be sweet to his partners younger sibling like just because he doesn’t get along with his own doesn’t mean that he hates kids or anything.

Also smokers lmao

Just really fits the vibe of Ethan very well

Guy that looks tough and bad boy-ish on the outside to in reality just be sweet and caring

I could also see Seb in the Ethan outfit :)

Sam

Kyle Clauger (Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

While I don’t think Sam is a bully really

I do think that as a teenager he would just go along with what his friends say because he is a sweet boy that just wants to fit in

Doesn’t wanna bully anyone at all just wants to be happy

Is popular but also not the most popular because he’s a golden retriever and isn’t really chasing popularity

Like yeah he wants to fit in but that doesn’t mean he cares about popularity really he just wants to be liked he doesn’t really care if he’s known or not

Kyle is really just a background character and we don’t really see him unless it’s like specific scenes with Max or like the aftermath.

So we don’t really know a lot other than he never really wanted to bully people but wanted to fit in with Max even to the point to where he doesn’t date anyone max tells him he can’t.

I do think that Sam would choose his friends over a significant other unless he actually genuinely loved them so I think he kinda fits this jock that’s not really mean but isn’t really helpful vibe

I would’ve chosen Ethan for Sam but Sam isn’t really a bad boy on the outside if I’m being honest.

Shane

Paul Matthews (The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals)

Mostly because I think it would be funny if he screamed at the top of his lungs for coffee

Also I think he wouldn’t enjoy watching a musical he hates the fact that everyone in them are either so happy or that they’re singing every five seconds

“PLEASE GOD NO”

Would also be horrified at “What do you want Paul”

I would’ve probably chosen Paul for Harvey because of his love for coffee but I don’t think he would be this unhappy about everything

Imagine trying to get him to sign ANYTHING while he’s walking to Joja he will not

Paul is much nicer than Shane at first glance but at the same time I feel like Shane could embody him well.

Like Shane can be Paul but Paul could never be Shane.

Alex

Max Jägerman (Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

Again I don’t really see him as a bully

But I do think he could’ve been one in high school

Like Sam I think Alex just wants to fit in and be cool (especially because of his life) so as a teenager I could see him being an absolute asshole as a teen

Maybe not to Max’s level but like out of everyone I think he fits Max the most

In the whole star quarterback and liked by the cool pretty girls.

The reason they win their games

Also in the whole no one really understands them

Like I know Max is horrible he’s a LITERAL MONSTER

But like when the main characters try to bully him he literally is like “this is the nicest thing anyone has done for me”

Like yeah he’s a bully and we can see that and they didn’t really flesh out that plot line it seemed like Max didn’t really have people in his life that genuinely cared about him to set anything up for him or do things for him other than be yes men which isn’t really caring at all

I feel like Alex would be similar in that he doesn’t really have friends (Haley doesn’t really count for me because I feel like she’s using him as means to an end. As if she sees him as who she’s supposed to end up with because of their looks instead of actually caring for him)

Only people who either tell him what he wants to hear without truly caring or understanding (except for his grandparents)

Alex too would be happy if someone decided to go through the trouble of making an elaborate prank for him.

Harvey

Becky Barnes(Black Friday)

Him and Maru were the most difficult for me but ultimately I settled on him being Becky

Mostly because he’s a doctor and I’m pretty sure she’s a nurse

But also because I also think Harvey is brave enough to go through an abusive relationship and come out of it still wanting to help the world

Also because I also think he would kill an abusive asshole bc he’s hot like that

I think they would have the same values like everyone matters and just because you have money or a greater status doesn’t mean you can take advantage of people or act like an asshole

I also think it would take an ancient god to make him become a man without morals

Elliott

Professor Hidgens (The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals)

CAN YOU SEE THIS LIKE I DO

Both are men of the arts and it’s funny

Also writing and music are very similar/ writing a musical is literally just writing a story and adding music to it so when I say it’s similar I mean it’s SIMILAR

I could see Elliott going insane and holding people hostage like “DO YOU WANNA READ MY NEW STORY?? PLEASE READ IT AND GIVE ME FEEDBACK PLEASE!!!!”

I could literally see Elliott taking this role and killing it

Like it’s not a lot to say because I think it’s very obvious

Also they both have that air of like…..pretentiousness?

Not in a bad way at all it just like…..they seem to give off the aura of having money

I think I feel like this because it’s like they have the freedom to write and go into the arts even though Hidgens is a professor I believe

It’s just they give off the air of feeling or being better than you but not in a way that is like their doing maybe

Idk if y’all can understand what I’m trying to say? Like they don’t act like they’re better than you it’s just their vibes

Abigail

Stephanie Lauter(Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

I wanted her to be “Latte Hottie” from TGWDLM(I forgot her name for now ignore it) but she doesn’t really give those vibes when you think about it

I feel like Steph and Abigail are VERY similar

They both seem like in school they’re cool but in different ways but they both have similar vibes

I think Stephanie is more grunge or skater(forgive me I don’t know clothing genres)

And Abby is more gothic but like I think they’re v similar

Like they aren’t in charge but people know them and even if they dislike them no one is fucking with them at all

Also the way their fathers are

I feel like Pierre would be VERY similar to Steph’s father

Like claims they love their child but beat them down with their words

Like imagine if Pierre was running for Mayor or something like

You already know he would be the biggest asshole

Would also fall in love with a person she doesn’t really match with on outer appearance on first look

Haley

Emma Perkins (The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals)

I think it would be funny to put Haley in this role

Like they’re both bitches but are funny/attractive to the point where it’s fine

And it’s a bitchiness that isn’t from meanness it’s literally just them being blunt

Like there is no lie about what they’re saying it’s just a rude thing to say lmao

Would be annoyed if she was working and was forced to sing for every tip

Would curse and be sarcastic to annoying people without caring and somehow manages to not be fired

Only difference is that I think that Haley wouldn’t half ass ‘Cup of Roasted Coffee’ because I thinks she wants to look good

Would tell Professor Hidgens to fuck off that she doesn’t want to hear about his musical

Emily

Hannah Foster(Black Friday)

I think in my mind(I have not watched Black Friday since the first time I saw it and it’s been a while) that Hannah knew more than the others

Like I remember while watching it that they didn’t take her as serious as they acted more like they listened to her in a “yeah okay grandpa take your meds” kind of way

When in reality she was connected and seeing things that they wouldn’t be able to understand

I think Emily is similar or fits the vibe where she understands things in a different way than the others

And they just see it as her being weird when in reality she’s just connected to the world in a deeper way.

Even though Emily is the older sibling I think she just fits this role where she could feel what is going to happen from the beginning

Leah

Lex Foster(Black Friday)

I know this looks like I ship her and Seb but I don’t

Her moms a bitch, an alcoholic

Jkjk (that’s penny)

BUT!!! I think Leah fits the whole “run away to escape my problems and follow my dreams” sort of thing

Like she literally broke off an engagement(or relationship at least) and left everything behind to move to a town in the middle of nowhere in order to follow her dreams

Literally just wants the best for herself and if she had a sibling I think she would want the best too

I also think she’s a dreamer. Like you don’t run off to become an artist without having big dreams and aspirations.

Penny

Grace Chasity(Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

Argue with a wall I’m right

I see her as like a goody two shoes that puts her beliefs above anything and really wants to make her family proud

Like I could see her being deeply religious

And honestly if Pam wasn’t an alcoholic and her father was still around I think they would be similar to the chastity’s just not as bad

Like obviously holding someone’s books isn’t equivalent to sex or whatever they believe but I do think they would’ve raised her to be a good Christian gal that should wait until marriage

Also because Penny sticks around for her mother and to teach the kids gives me those vibes

Would also go crazy like absolutely bonkers this woman is

Maru

Ruth Fleming(Nerdy Prudes Must Die)

Mostly because I think it’s funny

And because I couldn’t figure out who she would be so she gets to be Ruth

Also I think they’re both socially awkward

Ruth is just an awkward person

And I think that Maru is just socially unaware

Also I think that Maru would be the friend that’s like “can y’all set me up with someone?”

And everyone would be like “lmao no”

JUST FOR ONCEEEEEEEE

also Maru probably never fucks because Demetrius is always on her ass

Ruth never fucks bc she’s unfuckable

Honestly the same thing no one wants to have sex with the girl who’s dad will barge in without announcement or care

Like he legit wanted to catch her in the act to yell

Like why would you walk in if you think she’s getting railed and not like slam your fists on the door if you wanna stop them

N e ways

They’re the same bc they’re nerds <3

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blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk · 1 year ago

Note

May I please request “Sneakin’ Around” from SVTFOE for Dagger or Peter? Also, where do you ask for shitposts?

man, SVTFOE is on my list of things to watch... and this song is so cute, pls ;w;

I don't really take requests for shitposts, I just kinda do em on my own from funny quotes I've heard/seen or whatever my brain makes up! but you can submit your own using the submit button if you'd like! :D

DISCLAIMER: This is a songfic to the song “Sneakin' Around” from Star vs. the Forces of Evil! I don’t own the song, don’t claim to, and am not profiting off this piece at all.

When the sun has set and the night has come we’ll creep out the garden and go have some fun ‘cause all I wanna do is sneak around Mewni with you

You can only meet with DAGGER when it finally gets dark out.

As soon as night has fallen, nobody is paying you or him any attention. It’s so much easier to be together when people aren’t looking. When your family and his aren’t looking; although, you’re pretty certain by now that they wouldn’t have a problem with this. It’s your family, and the rest of society, that have a problem with you and Dagger.

The world seems far away when you run into his arms. They’re so secure, circling around you eagerly. He’s been waiting for you, too. Right here is your safe place, your hideaway from the rest of the world, here in his arms.

“I missed you, handsome,” you murmur, pressing into his lips with a kiss. You scarcely get the chance to breathe before you’re begging for another one. “Mh… what will we do tonight?”

He returns your kiss with equal ardor, like he can’t get enough of you. What consequence is a lack of breath when kissing the one you love? “Ain’t no way y’ missed me more’n I missed y’. We can do anythin’ y’ want, right, long as no one sees us?”

Of course, perhaps you’ve got a small problem with becoming addicted to the thrill of it all.

and all I want to see is you sneaking around next to me I don’t care if it’s wrong or right I’d do anything for one more night

“And as long as we’re together.” That’s an important caveat. If you didn’t have him, what would be the point of sneaking around in the first place? You wouldn’t want to do it with anyone but him.

You guide him toward the garden gates, hoisting yourself up onto it. It’s all too easy to pull him up as well. He follows your movements better than if you could move him like a puppet on strings. It’s like he knows what you want him to do before you can form the words to ask.

“I’ll always be here,” he smiles as he drops down over the gates with you. He kisses you again, holding your hands tightly. “Y’re batty if y’ think y’ can get rid’a me now.”

You chuckle and lead him along under the half-moonlight. “And you’re batty if you think I’m ever letting go of you. Come on. There’s nothing that would make me happier than taking a walk around town, looking over to see you by my side.”

“Yeah?” The grin in his voice is evident even if you’re not looking at him. “We pro’ly shouldn’t be doin’ all this… but…”

“Do you think I care?” You stop nearby a building, so you can duck into the alleyway and kiss his neck. “If this is wrong, I’m afraid of what people think is right.”

dawn breaks, our night fades away someday we’ll get to stay we’ll get to stay no more sneaking around one day we’ll have our day we’ll have our day

By the time you’ve dragged Dagger through the streets, ducking into every alley and taking the long way back to his fairground, he looks so tired. It’s a happy kind of tired, though, where you know deeply that he wouldn’t have wanted to pass the time any other way.

It’s beginning to get light again, and the sun will be ready to rise once you’ve gotten yourself back home. You can’t stay, and your time with him now is coming to a close.

You know the next night will come and go exactly the same way. Even so, you don’t want to leave him. You never want to leave him, because you love him so.

You do let yourself linger by his tent for as long a moment as you dare. You let your hands roam over his body one last time, and you kiss him one last time, and you pray that someday soon, everyone will be able to accept this wonderful relationship you have with him. You dream of the day you don’t have to worry about being disowned for wanting to marry him, the day he won’t have to worry about feeling like he isn’t good enough for you.

The day when, finally, neither of you have to fear being mocked or abused because you’re in love.

You curl your hands against his chest, fingers fidgeting with the bow at his neck. “I’ll see you tomorrow night. Will you miss me?”

“Y’ know wot my answer’s gonna be,” he laughs. He gives you another squeeze anyway, resting his cheek on top of your head. “Wish I didn’t ‘afta let y’ go. Wish we didn’t ‘afta…”

“I know. I wish that, too.” You mirror the gesture, arms tight around his middle. “I love you so much, Dagger. One day, we’re going to pass the whole night like this… and we’re going to be standing here, just like we are now… and I’m going to stay here with you.”

He hums. “One day, yeah? I can’t wait f’r that day t’ come.”

You smile and tilt your head up at him. “That day will be ours. Just ours. Nobody else’s. Promise me you’ll keep sneaking round with me till then?”

“Don’t worry, darlin’. I’m nothin’ if I ain’t a patient man.”

The two of you are quiet for a moment, then he sighs against your hair. “God, I’ll miss y’ with my w’ole ‘eart.”

You’ll miss him just the same.

As you head off back toward home, you keep the prayer in your heart that ‘one day’ will come sooner rather than later.

have our day have our day.

#onehellofashadynerd #Black Butler #Kuroshitsuji #Dagger #reader insert #songfic #romantic #fluff #drama #UGHHHH he deserves so much love <3 #one hell of a queue

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kyluxtrashpit · 1 year ago

Text

So I’m having another… let’s call it an internet crisis. A thing that typically happens when I have Big Problems I can’t do fuck all about which means now it’s time to get Really Upset about problems that are comparatively small but do affect my daily routine (sorry again for no cut, I still can’t remember how to do it on mobile and I fucking hate hate hate the desktop post editor as much as someone can hate a piece of code)

It’s… getting harder to use tumblr. This isn’t about the sidebar, I don’t actually hate the sidebar cause we used to have a sidebar on the other side and I’ve missed it every since it left, but it’s about other things. A lot of things, but I won’t get into them all right now. For me, the new post editor is just. Really fucking difficult to use. If you’re just doing an unformatted, unplanned ramble (like this) or a little shitpost, it’s fine, especially if you’re on mobile (somehow the shitty mobile editor is now less shitty than the desktop editor, how tf did that happen), but if you’ve got multiple paragraphs and literally any formatting is needed? Well, you’re fucked, quite frankly, it is the most dense and convoluted post editor I’ve seen in like roughly 2 decades spent online. I’ve never seen anything more counterintuitive and difficult to use

And I’m sitting here with all these twitter posts I want to move. Some are little and would be easy. Others are a lot longer and more complicated and would shove me into that formatting hell I despise so much (and given how much feedback and unanswered asks to wip I’ve sent with no improvements, I’ve given up hope of it ever being made better). Like god I really, really want to save those posts but is it even worth it to do it here? But where else would I do it?

And the secondary layer too is… there’s no fucking posts here. No engagement on posts either most of the time. 90% of my posts come from my archive cause the kylux and Kylo (plus a few others I check less regularly) tags have very few daily posts and there’s hardly anything on my dash anymore. My original posts maybe get 10 notes on average, and these posts are ones that sometimes got near triple digit rts alone on twitter. Just seems there’s exceptionally few people here to enjoy them

And I’m still on twitter. It’s slowly dwindling but it’s still slightly more active than here. I’m on pillowfort and bsky too and they are truly dead (unless you’re a furry, good on the furries for populating every site in existence). There’s just. Nothing anymore. Maybe my fandoms are just dead but it feels like the meme about passing around the same $20 among friends cause capitalism is destroying us except with posts and likes

Idk. I feel like I don’t have an online home anymore. 90% of my socializing is online and 100% of my creativity is expressed through fandom and. I don’t know where to do that anymore. I have friends I chat with on discord and I love them but it’s… it’s not the same as a whole community, you know? And now that our homes are falling apart with every sign pointing towards imminent foreclosure like. What do I do. I know I’ve been through site losses before but. It feels different. Something new and shiny always came along before the end. I fear that’s not coming and we’ll all just be lost

Idk. I don’t have a conclusion. Twitter is doomed. I hate how the new owners are running on tumblr and I’m still posting here more out of a desperate desire to remember what community felt like than any real actual want to do so. The new sites have nothing going on. Idk. I feel lost. And maybe it’s the 15 other problems I have going on right now and hormones and shit but. I just don’t know what to do and I’m scared of what the future looks like for online communities and how alone I’ll be if I lost them (even though in reality I already have lost them aside from a small handful of people)

#am I just hormonal and stressed about things like old cat’s appointment tomorrow and work and the state of the world #with a dash of good old regular depression hanging out in there too #and that’s why duolingo fucking me over yesterday and stuff like this is bothering me #to a degree that is probably excessive #very possibly #but I also feel like this has been simmering for a while #and I just #idk man idk what to do I’m frustrated and I just want a place to shitpost about my little fictional blorbos #and have other people enjoy those posts and make their own posts and we can talk about them and everything is fun and good #and idek how to get it anymore like where are people doing that I can’t find them #idk I also need to sleep but ugh #brain land is a messy place right now let’s leave it at that #text #misc #shut up nerd #long post

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escapism-express · 9 months ago

Text

a few somethins abt zan

yah… so hi! i’m zan :)

i’m 21 & from the Southern US, though i swear something in me was meant to be in Scotland…

i use a stupid amount of ellipsis, can’t decide if i want to punctuate or capitalize correctly, and get nervous around shitty grammar (makes sense, right?)

i have the mouth of a sailor, soul of a stoned grandma, ridiculous little house wife habits, and attitude for daaaaaaaays.

my fandom membership card is currently active in the following communities:

The WW of Harry Potter (all eras & no support for JKR, duh)

The Hobbit & Lord of The Rings

Star Wars

Marvel

Maas Verse (ACOTAR - I'm working my way through TOG rn)

Outlander

there are definitely more that I'm currently too stoned to remember but those are the mains anyways. i don't write currently, though I really want to start so y'all can be my lab rats 😉

being a dreamer is my main personality trait, but I can guarantee lots of ranting & shitposting regarding other things I like and/or don't like to do so here's a few more things abt me :)

I'm a spoonie for life, this December will be 9 years since I was diagnosed 💙

I have a longterm partner who we'll call Snoopy - he boarded this shit show about 8 years ago & doesn't plan on disembarking 🫶

I have zero sense of self preservation. my philosophies are to "fuck around & hope you don't find out" & that my life is a video game so I'm just along for the ride lmao

I firmly believe that therapy is for everyone, I personally go every week & am medicated.. I will SCREAM this shit if it means someone else will feel more comfortable & confident going

COFFEE IS A REQUIREMENT FOR LIVING (I'm a caffeine addict)

I'm currently attempting to figure out my spiritual alignments but I fucks with energies & nature a lot 🧙‍♀️

I like... plants... 🍃💨 - a lot

I keep music playing almost 24/7 to keep away the ✨voices✨

I have no filter, I will tell you anything & everything or nothing at all

any of that feel like you? follow meeeeeeeeee I need friends :)

okay now for the obligatory blog disclaimers:

this is an 18+ blog - minors will be blocked 🔞

I have a zero tolerance policy for bigots - we don't fuck with homophobia, transphobia, racism, sexism, ablism, or discrimination of any kind. you will be reported, dragged, and blocked.

I WILL be talking about sensitive topics, whether it's fandom or real world related there will be triggering material on this blog. I will do my best to label everything as accurately as possible but if I miss something please KINDLY let me know :)

I piss a lot of people off. my views are not widely accepted in the current climate of the south but I will not shut up. however, you can. so if you don't like me, go ahead & rest assured that I do not care 🖕🫶

once again there's probably more stuff I meant to say that I've now forgotten but my brain is jello sO we're gonna call it good.

stay tuned for... stuff(?) ...I have no real plan here.

anywhore.. have a good day, lovelies!

xoxo, zan 🫶

#get to know me #disclaimer #second post #mental illness #chronic illness #bisexual #kindawitchy #dark humor #herewego #harrypotter #the hobbit #lotr #star wars #marvel #acotar #outlander #okaythatsenoughtags

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melishade · 2 years ago

Note

Co ty na to pytanie 25 menace timeline Jak by się dało ?

This ask game

I'm not really taking the menace timeline seriously. Again. It's a shitpost. I'll do...Peaceful Timeline. When baby Maria is sick and Megatron gets the medicine for her. For more context: Part 3: What happens between Marley and Eldia

The old woman, a herbalist, sat quietly in her stall, examining the herbs she had just recently collected. These were good, and they were a rarity during this time of year. She could definitely trade something good for it. The herbalist paused her examination when she felt a shadow loom over her. She glanced up to see a man younger than her, but not by much, staring her down with those piercing red eyes.

"Ah," the herbalist began setting the leaves down, "The odd man from the odd family who lives in the woods. What do you want?"

"Are you a doctor?" he asked rather bluntly.

The herbalist raised an eyebrow at such a phrase. Doctor? The man seemed to realize his mistake and correct himself. "Healer? Specialist?"

"I suppose healer would be the better term," the herbalist shrugged, "You are looking for medicine."

"Yes," the man answered bluntly, "I need medicine for a fever? Do you have something like that?"

"In exchange for what?" the herbalist demanded, "It takes time for me to find my herbs. I expect payment, and it doesn't look like you carry anything."

The man grimaced at her assessment causing the herbalist to cross her arms. "You have no money, so go."

"I am not asking." The man rested an arm on the table and leaned forward, but the herbalist was not impressed by the intimidation.

"I have lived my life fully," the herbalist declared, "I only hope to go peacefully."

The man was taken aback by her response as she stood up. "But I'd prefer if you leave now. I don't take kindly to being threatened in my own shop."

"What else could you possibly seek?" the man demanded.

"You don't know my trade, so you can't help me gather supplies or tools," the herbalist reasoned as she examined her finger nails, "Besides, a simple fever does not seem too severe for my medicine."

"...It's the child," the man explained. The herbalist paused and glanced up at the man, surprised to see that confidence and bravado being replaced by...fear.

"It's been crying for hours. Days," The man emphasized, "It doesn't accept food, it can't talk yet, so it can't explain what's hurting. All I know is that it as a fever and nothing else! And it's been chaos trying to figure out what's going on! We have been trying to figure it out and the child's mother is terrified that her child will die on her! So frankly, healer, I'm quite desperate!"

His outburst caught the attention of a few others, but he didn’t seem to care. “I just can’t understand why she would care so much about such a weak and defenseless thing.”

The herbalist was actually annoyed at such a statement. “It’s called a mother’s love. You spend months growing a child inside of you, having it tear your body apart, and you think a mother would let her child die after all that?”

“…I still don’t understand,” the man confessed rather solemnly, “But…I am trying to. I have nothing else.”

The herbalist looked down at the leaves she acquired before looking back at the man’s desperate face. “I have house work that needs to be done and I can’t do it on my own. My old bones won’t allow me. But you seem to be a strong fellow. If I give you these,” she picked up the leaves, “along with a few other items, and the baby is well, you return to me, and you will fix my home and do whatever else I ask. Is that clear?”

“…if your methods work, I will forever be in your debt,” the man declared.

========

Ymir was trying her best not to cry as she rocked her daughter in her arms. Meanwhile, Optimus, in holoform, dipped a cloth in warm water over a fire before wringing out the water that was in excess. The Prime walked over to the child and placed the cloth against the child’s forehead to try and cool her down, but she still kept on crying. Ymir felt a few tears escape her eyes while Optimus only grew more concerned. They didn’t know what was going on and it terrified them both.

The door to the cabin suddenly opened, and the two saw Megatron rush to the fire place. The former warlord opened a small bag and placed some crushed up leaves in the pot. Megatron then turned to the child and kneeled down in front of Ymir. He pulled out a small orange petal from the same bag and showed it to Ymir.

“This should help bring her fever down,” Megatron explained.

Before Megatron could put the petal in the child’s mouth, Optimus grabbed his wrist and yanked it back.

“Where did you get those?” Optimus demanded.

“From a healer in the town,” Megatron explained calmly, “Prime, we don’t have time for this.”

Optimus still gave Megatron a look of warning and mistrust, and…Megatron couldn’t help but feel guilt. There was too much that happened between them, and Megatron had caused so much trouble and pain for the Prime. It was hard to get over that, which is why things were so tense between them now. Why would Optimus put the fate of this child in his hands?

"Optimus, I know you have no reason to trust me. But please...”

Optimus was stunned to see a rather pleading expression in Megatron’s eyes. “I'm asking you to anyway."

Before Optimus could muster up a response, Ymir reached out and grabbed the hand holding Megatron’s wrist. Both titans turned to her, and they saw those teary eyes practically begging Optimus to let go and let Megatron use the medicine. Optimus glanced back at Megatron, and the former warlord nodded his head. Optimus then willed himself to let go of his wrist, and Megatron immediately took a small petal and placed it in the child’s crying mouth. Ymir helped her child chew and swallow it, and Ymir was stunned at how effective it was. She placed a hand against her daughter’s head, and gasped when she felt her fever go down. The daughter had stopped belting her heart out, and her crying was reduced to whimpers.

Tears of joy streamed down Ymir’s face as she kissed her daughter’s head. Optimus turned to Megatron in surprise, but the other titan stood up and grabbed a cup from the cabinet drawer. Megatron walked over to the fire and filled the cup with water and those leaves.

“Let this cool off and have her drink it,” Megatron explained to Optimus, “This should help whatever’s in her stomach.”

“A-alright.” Optimus could only muster. Megatron was actually helping save the child, and Optimus was trying to process it. Meanwhile, Megatron was exhausted. He needed to deactivate the holoform and rest. As Megatron was prepared to do show, Ymir suddenly leaned forward and wrapped an arm around Megatron while she held her daughter in the other. She cried tears of relief in his chest, but Megatron couldn’t will himself to move. He was as still as stone. Megatron groaned a little before awkwardly patting Ymir’s back.

=====

A few days later

The herbalist sighed, bending down to rub her feet before picking up her basket and returning to the town. She sorted through the leaves, mushroom, and flowers she picked up before sighing. She needed to teach a few others how to identify these herbs and what’s good for medicine and what’s not. She’s quite old, and few here in this small town knew her methods. It would be terrible if something terrible happened once she passed on.

As the herbalist arrived at her stall and placed the basket on the table, she noticed someone…sitting in front of her stall. She peered over, and was stunned to see the man from a few days ago, practically guarding her stall from anyone that was passing by.

“You’re scaring off my customers,” the herbalist couldn’t help but note. The man careened his head to her.

“You weren’t here. Anyone here could have stolen your goods,” The man explained.

“Most of the people here are modest,” the herbalist explained.

“Key word being most.” The man stood up on his feet to face her, “The medicine worked, so I’m here to fulfill my end of the bargain.”

The herbalist smiled in relief. “I’m glad. I wouldn’t want to hear about a baby dying so soon.”

The man only hummed in response. “So what remedial task do you need me to fulfill?”

The herbalist smirked. “A broken roof and window.”

“Child’s play.” The man cracked his neck.

“I also told others in the town that you’d be willing to help them with their homes.”

Megatron blinked in surprise as the woman picked up her basket and walked down the road. “YOU WHAT?!”

(Megatron got tricked. Lol. Anyway you are more than welcome to ask from that list if you want.)

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1-talk-alot · 2 months ago

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Rant that was supposed to be a regular shitpost on my main (tw suicide mention but very briefly)

Im not afraid of death but I struggle to imagine what it’s like to not be alive. What can I believe in? Will I really just did after all this? What about heaven or hell? Is it really fair? For me to spend a fraction of time alive to finalise my eternal punishment / reward? How does it work in heaven? Wouldn’t you get bored? Or just tired? What if you just go insane? Is everybody there content? That’s impossible, right?? No one thing can make everybody happy. Can it?

What if you’re reincarnated? Well, not really, because if you’re in a new body with no memories of who you were before, you’re no really you. A new body and mind does not equal me. My experiences made who I am and how I think, without the memory of those or the mindset to prove it then this new body isn’t mine. I am gone. I do not know who this new creature is, and they do not know me either.

What if none of that’s true and you’re just floating in pitch black nothingness forever? That just feels wrong though, doesn’t it? Because that means no matter what you do, you’ll be doomed to the same fate as everyone else. One of eternal torment in an endless void. If that is the case, it begs the question of a superior being above everything we as a species has ever believed in. One that throws us away the moment they have nothing left to do to us. And that’s not fair. What does it matter, if the system is fair or not? What can we do about it? At this rate, we’re no more than puppets or toys. Even if you pour your heart and soul into your belief system, it doesn’t make a difference when in the eyes of whoever’s doing this, you’re the same as everybody else.

But how about this: when you die, you’re really just gone. There’s no traces of you to reside in, and no “you” to reside in those traces. You’ve no mind, no body, no feelings, no thoughts, no memories, no consciousness. That feels fair, but not right. How does it feel to feel nothing at all? Nothing right? But how? What will you think about not being able to? Again, nothing. You don’t exist. You, along with your thoughts, memories, mind, all that, has been erased from existence. What do you do then? Trick question, “you” don’t exist, remember? You can’t feel sad about it when you don’t exist. You can’t cry about it when you don’t exist. You can’t protest when you don’t exist. Its a really difficult thought. But if you can’t be upset, is it that bad? Can you grasp the idea at all? Whenever I try to, I can for about a second, and then it feels impossible again.

What if everyone has their own personal heaven? It’s the thought of eternity that twists that for me. A world of which is the same forever and ever. It might sustain me for time worth another few lifetimes, but anything truly eternal would become torture eventually. One of my old friends once suggested that everyone is just happy, anyway. That heaven is someplace where it isn’t your surroundings that make you happy naturally, but you’re just happy no matter what. And what can I say? If that was the case, I would be happy. Because I have no other choice. My mind would not be mine, but obviously, I’d still be happy, so I guess that would have to be alright. I don’t like the thought, but in action I would be okay with it, inevitably.

What if you become a ghost? You keep your thoughts, memories, mind and conscious but lose your body. Your soul will wander the universes forever. Out of everything, this is m favourite idea. To be a ghost, to wander the earth and everything beyond. I like this because Earth is huge and there are so many beautiful things no one can explore in one lifetime, let alone the rest of the universe, but I doubt it too because it couldn’t be the same. I alway wonder whether or not “ghosts” can feel anything, considering with no body you have no nervous system, no pain receptors, none of the chemicals that make you happy or whatever. And even if you could, eternity scares me yet again, because forever is just so long. “Forever” just never ends, so no matter how big the universe is, eventually, wouldn’t you get bored? The same friend who suggested the “inevitable joy” idea (we had a conversation about this once) also suggested that if you were a ghost and you haunted, for example, who liked the same shows as you, you could rewatch the shows whenever they did, or if they had an interesting or funny friendgroup, you could hang out with them without them even knowing you’re there. I like the idea of being a ghost the most because you can relive life through other peoples, and there’s really no limit.

But what im scared of the most is living somewhere you can’t leave. No matter where you are in life, suicide is almost always an option right? Nothing has to last forever, or any longer than it has already. I know it sounds really fucked up but I honestly find comfort in that fact. But if you’re already dead, you can’t die again, right??? In that case, I worry that I will get bored, and I will want a way out, but I can’t, because there’s nowhere to go afterwards. Youre trapped, and that’s final, no matter which one is true. (Unless it’s the “when you die, you’re dead” one, in which case you simply don’t exist. Does that make this the most foolproof option? I think so, but despite that I don’t want to lose myself. My mindset is not perfect, but I fear without it I’d think or do stupid or awful things.)

This was honestly going to be a one sentence post but then I couldn’t stop thinking and it turned into a full blown rant lmao

And I could go on a whole new tangent on why the thought of a soul and having a soul is so weird, and discussing my confusion on soul, body and mind, the differences and which is which (mostly soul and mind) but maybe that’s for another day

Bye

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tana-draws · 1 year ago

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gonna do this with my rarepair (thrair?) ot3 yippee :3

fandom is the office (us)

also if this blatantly contradicts anything (like the first episode of the show is like “Jim would never trip he is incredibly graceful”) then uh. Oops. Haven’t seen the show in awhile 0-o

Who’s the clumsy one? How clumsy are we talking?

Jim and this isn’t even a contest. He is tall as fuck, and although I am tiny, I imagine being tall and/or long-limbed would effect balance. He wouldn’t be like, ridiculously clumsy, but probably the most clumsy out of the three of them.

Who’s more likely to forget something?

Jim again, he strikes me as the type of person who would walk into a room, forget what he was doing, leave, and then suddenly be like “oh right I was supposed to turn off the oven. ….fuck.”

What are they secretly singing in the shower?

Pam-Avril Lavigne (reference to a series of dumb Instagram stories I made a while back)

Karen-Whatever song is playing in her head that she can’t get rid of (just like me fr)

Jim-He wouldn't sing actual songs, he would just make up shit as he went along.

Who’s the one day-dreaming of a road trip?

I could see all three of them wanting to go on a road trip. I imagine Karen would like to see the world, I think Pam would like to see the beauty of both nature (like cool mountains and shit) and also interesting architecture, and Jim would like a chance to see places other than Scranton.

If they could be anywhere in the whole wide universe, where would they be?

Jim wants to be not at his job, Pam would want to be in one of those like, countryside towns with beautiful cottages and plants in Paris or some aesthetic shit from movies, and I could see Karen wanting to live in a place with some sort of interesting history behind it (but like cool history not horribly sad history.)

Which fictional world would they want to be a part of?

I honestly don’t know of any hugely popular fictional worlds lmao. Uhhhhhh I think Karen would think she would make a cool as hell Jedi, I think Pam would like to live in a world with magic of some kind, nothing specific though, and idk abt Jim.

What are the shows they would want to watch? Any movies?

I mentioned earlier I think Karen could be a fan of Star Wars, but also in the COD episode her username was shown to be KarenTheJimSlayer, so it seems she’s a fan of Buffy (or at least one of the people working on the show lol.) I could also see her liking Firefly. Pam would probably like animated films and shows, specifically like old animated Disney movies like Bambi and Cinderella. Jim would obviously like sports movies, but I could also see him liking those talking dog movies. Naturally, he likes the Air Bud franchise. And would probably also have scarily strong opinions on it.

Indoor activities or outside?

Karen is a canon Gamer Girl (tm) and that seems pretty indoorsy. We don’t get much of a glimpse into other hobbies of hers, but we can assume from that she would prefer to stay inside. Pam’s favorite hobby is art, as shown in the show. Art can be done inside and outside, and often people will draw outside if they want to draw landscapes, however it is mostly done inside. Also, as much as Jim seems to like sports, he doesn’t seem very sporty himself, more so like he would enjoy watching them. Overall, indoor activities.

Would they have a tumblr(s)?

Karen would occasionally reblog memes and shitposts, or posts ramblings herself. Pam would use tumblr to post her artwork. Jim would use tumblr specifically to prank Dwight’s. He would have multiple throwaways in case Dwight caught on.

Personal Tastes:

Breakfast for dinner: what’s their opinions?

Idk. I guess neutral? Personally I have no strong opinions and think it’s a strange hill to die on either way lol.

What music do they listen to? Do they listen to anything?

Karen-Rock, because she’s cool and rock is cool. Could also see her liking Hoizer??? Idk

Pam-Avril Lavi— In all seriousness, uh like soft pop? Like idk dodie? Keep in mind I don’t know how to idenitfy music genres.

Jim-No specific taste. Honestly I can’t imagine him knowing too much about music, I think he would just pick songs for his playlists off vibes. WAIT ACTUALLY I THINK HEAVY METAL/HARD ROCK. No reason other than the comedy. Like this lanky 30 year old guy wearing a tie and slacking off at his job and coming up with pranks and you’d expect him to listen to something lighthearted but no it’s heavy metal.

Morning birds? Night owls? Combination of the two?

I think Karen would probably stay up later (although tries to go to bed early on work nights.) None of them particularly enjoy waking up early, but kinda have to for work. Pam would probably be the most used to waking up early.

And a Few Personal Favorites:

Who’s more likely to start a snowball fight?

Jim (canon, as seen in the episode where he snowballed Dwight.) Karen would be a VERY close second, and Pam would happily join, and although she would start some herself, probably wouldn’t as much as Karen and Jim.

Thunderstorms: yea? nay?

I could see Pam liking the background noise of the rain, but I could also see her getting irritated if it went on too long. I could also see her getting worried the quickest if the storm was too severe (although not that much quicker than Jim or Karen.) Karen and Jim would probably work together to exaggerate what happened on a call to Michael (“yeah sorry we can’t come in.” “The uh-“ “the roof” “it broke”.) After awhile I think they would all start to feel cooped up, but I think it would get to Jim first.

Ice cream: flavors, toppings, etc.

Karen-Vanilla with strawberry.

Pam-Anything with chocolate.

Jim-Vanilla or Mint Chocolate Chip. I’m sorry he strikes me as a toothpaste ice cream guy.

Questions for your OTP/OT3/the Loves of Your Life

Every Day Quirks:

Who’s the clumsy one? How clumsy are we talking?

Who’s more likely to forget something?

What are they secretly singing in the shower?

Dreams:

Who’s the one day-dreaming of a road trip?

If they could be anywhere in the whole wide universe, where would they be?

Which fictional world would they want to be a part of?

Interests:

What are the shows they would want to watch? Any movies?

Indoor activities or outside?

Would they have a tumblr(s)?

Personal Tastes:

Breakfast for dinner: what’s their opinions?

What music do they listen to? Do they listen to anything?

Morning birds? Night owls? Combination of the two?

And a Few Personal Favorites:

Who’s more likely to start a snowball fight?

Thunderstorms: yea? nay?

Ice cream: flavors, toppings, etc.

#kajam #apologies to that one person posting pics of their dog in that tag #But I very much think this would make a good ship name #jim x pam x karen #pam x karen x jim #karen x pam x jim #There are like six possible combinations but you get the point #shipping #ot3 #poly ship #poly ships #This was unfinished in drafts for weeks

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greyeyedmonster-18 · 2 years ago

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(a snippet from the same unpublished raising harry AU except make it wolfstar for all of you who have been suffering through shitposts, have a treat for sticking around <3)

context: sirius and harry relocate to grimmauld place.

“Are you sure you’re going to be--”

“Ask me that one more time, Remus,” Sirius said harsher than he intended.

“Are you sure you’re going to be alright here?”

“Arse.”

Remus gave him a wry grin over his glass of wine, lips already stained berry from the glass he had before, looking perfectly relaxed on the opposite end of the couch from Sirius. “Still haven’t answered the question.”

“I’m not sure I have an answer.”

Remus clicked his tongue, “You always have an answer. An opinion. It’s one of my favorite things about you, even if it is frustrating.”

“Am I frustrating you?”

“Every second since I met you,” he said, and Sirius opened his mouth, Remus holding up a finger immediately before Sirius could say a single word, “And before you respond with something clever regarding your time prison, no the 12 years there were not any sort of reprieve. Every time I thought I had gotten rid of the traces of you….one more would appear. Dog hair on my clothes, a neatly folded sweater, one year I even found an old letter you wrote me from hols when we were fifteen.”

“Well at least I know I won’t have to become a ghost to haunt you when I die…” Sirius mused, giving Remus a wink before taking a sip of his own wine.

“...Are you going to be alright here?” Remus asked for the third time, and Sirius actually laughed, watching as Remus’s smile split his face wide open and suddenly Sirius was fifteen again, sitting across the Gryffindor common room with a quiet, golden boy who had the best barbs tucked away behind books and big sweaters.

Sirius laughed quietly, looking up at the mantle where the ticking clock was. Sirius missed the stained glass windows already and the handsome emerald green clock and the soft beige rug that was in the sitting room at his home by the seaside. And then he thought of Harry’s smile when they arrived that day, trunks in hand, Harry rushing to the backyard to go flying, leaving his trunk in the middle of the hall.

It annoyed Sirius that Harry did that at first, because trunks didn’t belong in the middle of walkways and Sirius had told him to bring it up to the bedroom he had chosen the last time they had come together. Harry had blindly chosen a bedroom then as well, waving Sirius away with his hand and just nodding along, more interested in the backyard and his firebolt.

It annoyed Sirius, and then…it didn’t.

It was so normal. As if Harry had been leaving his things around and Sirius had been getting mildly irritated for their whole lives.

He thought of Harry’s messy hair and flushed cheeks when he finally came inside after Sirius had called him for dinner twice. Remus had come over to help them settle in, so had Andromeda, Sirius offering dinner in exchange, the table that Sirius had eaten lonely meals at just a few months ago feeling much bigger.

“I think so,” is what Sirius settled on.

“Were you thinking that entire time?”

“Oi!”

“It was a long pause, thought you had fallen asleep.”

“I believe that’s your modus operandi, Moony,” Sirius said so easily, the nickname fizzling into the air like smoke after a firework. “Remus,” he corrected when he realized his fumble. Remus.

“I can be Moony…I…missed being Moony.” Remus cleared his throat, “I missed you.”

“Remus…”

“I can’t tell you that? I can’t tell you how I missed you? And even though the dog hair on my clothes and the sweaters and the stupid notes you used to write me were frustrating to find…they also made me miss you? Can I not tell you I thought about you every day for almost 13 years?”

“You can tell me whatever you’d like,” Sirius said, “And I’ll tell you I did the same except it’s not quite so endearing or sentimental. Because what else was I supposed to think about? You were my…you were going to be my fiancee and you didn’t even try….”

“I’m sorry.”

“I…I know.”

“Then--”

“I’m not at forgiveness yet, Remus.” Moony. Whoever you are. “I’d really like to be, but I’m not.”

“I should go.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I didn’t say I couldn’t get there.”

“You think you will? You think one day you’ll be able to look at me and want me again?”

“I want you right now. It’s not a question of want.”

Remus put down his wine glass on the end table, shifting on the couch so he was closer to Sirius, no longer on opposite ends of the couch--of the world. On the same page, in the same proximity for the first time since that night in the Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts. The lights were dim, the clock ticked on the mantle as Remus’s knee touched Sirius’s. Amber eyes scanned his face looking for any type of sign and Sirius closed his eyes.

Moony.

“Can I hold you?” Sirius opened his eyes. “...Can I hold you?”

He breathed in deeply, already watching Remus’s hands between them, itching to touch Sirius. Sirius’s hands were longing to do the same.

Remus was all scratchy cardigans and half-shaven face. Bumps and bruises, and Sirius remembered running his hands over every part of Remus entranced by the indentations of scar tissue and raised freckles. Nothing about Remus was smooth. Clever, but lacking social charm. Knew how to clear a room. Knew precisely the wrong thing to say at the wrong time. But their relationship had been.

Against all odds, Sirius and Remus, Moony and Padfoot, my love and my darling, had been the smoothest course Sirius had ever sailed.

“Can I hold you?” Remus asked one more time, even softer, his face moving closer.

“....the only thing I can think of to say is your name. Every version of it.”

“Yes…no…” Remus offered, “maybe…in a few hours…just for a second…”

“That’s a lot of options.”

“Yes or no, then.”

Yes.

Hold me. Please. Remind me of what it was like to give my burdens to someone else to carry just for a little while.

“Yes.”

Remus moved slowly, daring to touch Sirius’s hands first, then his wrists, thumb caressing his pulse point while long fingers skimmed over tattoos and the dark hair on his arms again. Sirius sat still, inhaling and exhaling deeply, afraid Remus was going to make him come undone with the most innocent of touches. Remus’s hands moved up to his arms and Sirius continued to fight with lingering resolve.

It wasn’t passion, though.

No.

Not like when they were seventeen and they would take turns edging each other into madness with wanton looks in the hallway and hands in places they definitely shouldn’t have been in the middle of class, and kisses that always left someone begging for more. Or even when they were nineteen and finding intimacy in learning how to fix a leaking sink and a tiny shower that really couldn’t fit the two of them properly, but they insisted on being in there together anyway. Sirius would have to hold Remus’s arm when they got out of the shower, so much excess water on the linoleum flooring, taking care not to let his boyfriend-fiance-nearly husband slip.

The one thing Sirius always handled with care…was Remus, and now it seemed like it was the opposite. Not that Sirius asked for it, or explicitly told Remus that.

This Remus now though, this thirty-something Remus was feeling every valley and curve of Sirius’s arms, then shoulders, moving closer until their faces were mere centimeters apart.

Sirius inhaled.

Remus exhaled.

Sirius and Remus. One name it was always said so fast and together- SiriusandRemus, carved into trees, etched into pavement, signed on leases and wedding certificates that never came to be.

#sirius black #remus lupin #wolfstar #an unpublished au

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