#Can u believe I use 2 think I didn't have anxiety?? I was all Oh yeah I'm Super chill 😎 while sirens played in my head 24/7

[insufferablemod]

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[crimeronan]

Hello, got a TOH question for you! I'm trying to write a scene from only-slightly-canon-divergent!Luz's POV, and to dismay finding I'm struggling with it. Any pro tips for writing her you can pass on to someone who didn't study at Luz University? 😅

aw, this is a sweet ask. i'm flattered to be considered a resident luz expert! and i LOVE an excuse to infodump. this got long i'm sorry i just love thinking about. my girl.

luz is usually pretty whimsical and optimistic (which is why her later self-destruction hits so hard), she believes in people and she believes in The Triumph Of Good Over Evil. she's weird and doesn't understand social norms but she cares So Much, About Everything, Ever. she believes that things will work themselves out like they do in stories, she sometimes steps on people's toes when she's trying to fix a situation, she loves an underdog story and it's constantly getting her into trouble.

i think the biggest three things for me when writing luz POV are these:

-

she is UNRELENTINGLY kind and trusting.

this is her biggest strength - she's constantly befriending her enemies through the sheer power of earnestness. and this is how she makes and keeps friends like willow, gus, and eda.

this is also one of her biggest weaknesses - she gave hunter back his staff in hunting palismen when she Really Should Not Have, she didn't pick up on philip's Bad Vibes, etc.

she truly honest-to-god believes the best in everyone and is surprised and hurt whenever they disappoint her.

-

2. she has NO impulse control and CRIPPLINGLY hyperactive ADHD.

luz is all over the place, constantly. her thoughts and hyperfixations go a mile a minute. she can devour a book in a day and learn a conlang in a week, but she can't sit still and she has the type of ADHD that makes traditional classroom learning borderline-impossible.

outside of school, you see this constantly in the decisions she makes, or rather the decisions she Doesn't make. luz always blurts out exactly what she's thinking, when she's thinking it. she always thinks that her first solution to a problem is the best one & rarely plans beyond that. she's not an analytical strategist. in fact she's frequently fucking up everybody else's plans by..... just. being luz.

the fact that luz always says and does whatever she's thinking is, again, one of her greatest strengths: she is SO earnest and genuine, and it makes it easy for people to believe in her. she loves SO openly and is so lovable in turn.

it's also one of her greatest weaknesses because. oh my god, girl. challenging boscha to a witch's duel on willow's behalf. angrily shouting straight-up heresy about belos in public in hollow mind. all the shit that got her into trouble in the human realm before she ran away. u know

-

3. she is Desperately Afraid of hurting people.

i'd say she's afraid of being a Bad Person (TM), but i do think her fear is more specific. in WAD, her nightmare isn't exactly about having committed atrocities herself -- she doesn't even believe she could have! she knows she didn't create the statue graveyard, she immediately tells amity "i don't know what's going on, but i wouldn't have done this."

all of her fears are related to things her friends & family went through after meeting her.... she's terrified that she's going to hurt the people she loves, no matter how much she tries not to. she's terrified that her presence in the world is harmful by itself.

same with her rant in the classroom in TTT. when she says "it would be better if he [i] never existed," she even says (paraphrasing) "who cares about the broader impacts or the greater good. who cares if he was a hero or wanted to do the right thing. it doesn't matter!!! what matters is that he ruined everything anyway!!!!"

her anxiety with papa titan reflects this, too. "doesn't that make us just like belos??" she's figuring out how to navigate the world and complex morality and she's terrified of getting it Wrong. she already feels like she's done everything wrong & it's completely shaken her sense of self. she doesn't trust herself not to hurt people or to work for evil because she doesn't have a clear understanding of what separates her ideology from belos's.

this third point often isn't relevant in fluffy/lighthearted fic because luz's optimism, joy, and simple zest for life are Definitely dominant in her character. but it is VERY relevant when doing character studies or angstier writing exploring her headspace in situations where she feels guilty or afraid.

-

everything else is set dressing. she's quirky and weird, she's bouncy and stimmy, she loves bats and rats and snakes and bugs and creepy crawlies, she loves gross shit, she loves shipping and romance and sweeping high fantasy, she gets Deeply invested in every random plan she ever conceives, and she is Astonishingly easy to love because of how easily she loves.

you don't have to keep every single detail of this in mind when writing her!! this was just a nice excuse to gush about my girl who i love so so so so so fucking much. luz love of my life daughter of my heart FOREVER.

[seokmatthewz]

mutuals appreciation! write heart-felt messages to some of your mutuals (or even ones you haven't talked to yet!) and tag them, BUT don't tell them which message is their, let them guess! after you're done, send this to 1 mutual you want to get a message from!

oh god okay this is very nice and sweet in theory KLDSLD but tragically i am perhaps the person with the most anxiety in the world ever and not telling people which message is for who for whatever reason feels like it would probably kill me so i think instead i will write some silly little notes for my mutuals but tag them directly or else i may die KLFCDSL sorry i cannot play the game properly i am not built like that kldskddsfkl but thank u nonetheless!!!! <3<3

@berryjaellie millie my lovely dearest fairytual who i adore and keep in my pocket it has been a joy interacting with u more thru twt these days be it to bicker or yell loudly or pester u abt matthew or hanbin as always i perpetually hope we can continue to interact more ily mwah!! thank u so much for sending me random little raccoon vids and associating me with cute things that i do not deserve u r so dear 2 me <3

@winxys paula my fucked up little meow meow there is nobody on this website who i would enjoy being the mortal enemy of more (even though with every passing day it seems like we are becoming 🤢friends🤢) as we continue to lose our minds over bbangiz crumbs and whatever onlyoneof are doing at most points in time. i know things have been rough for you lately and i really do hope they get better! here's to hoping zb1 don't debut with noise !!

@chwejongho i am not sure if u use tumblr at all lately (i believe u dont much) but it wld feel deeply wrong and incorrect to leave u off of one of these kaz dearest my boy my best friend my platonic soulmate u have put up with so much from me in these past few months (not to mention these past few years we've been friends) because i am a nuisance who never shuts up so thank you so much for putting up with my hours worth of instagram voice messages about how i was worried about matthew during boys planet even though you didn't watch the show i very much appreciate that you are always a shoulder to cry on for me no matter what the circumstance, be it me being overdramatic about a man i don't know personally or something much more serious. i appreciate you so much no matter how much or little we are talking at any given moment and i am forever wishing you the best no matter what. i love you so much!!

@hyvnsuk gabi my fellow haotual i do not have a ton to say here but i am incredibly amused every single time we have a same brain moment these days it's so fun and cute dslsdfk you're always a joy to have on the dash and your content is so pretty!! i hope ur always doing well mwah!!

@jjanguri rin dearest!! i hope the air quality has improved where u are !! u r so sweet and wonderful and i hope we can interact more soon!!! mwah!!

@haob1n lovely maria!! thank u for all the sweet comments you leave in the tags of my gifsets i do not deserve ur kindness and i am so incredibly overjoyed every time u call me a matthew stan pillar (or something along those lines) KDSSKLD mwah i hope u are always well!!

@zeroze hope!!!! ik we have not interacted much but it is always so fun to briefly goof around w u in the replies of an ask u are so sweet and funny!!! i rlly hope we can talk more soon <3<3

also to all my zerosetuals in general pls feel free 2 chat with me!! i wld love 2 make some zerose friends hehe

[charmixpower]

What songs would you associate with the winx girls and the specialists and the trix ? And the couples and friendships too!!

Dear god. Ok, this is going to be a long one

I'm sorry if this is terrible, also my music taste is low key dark, if the Maria Mena song didn't point that out earlier, so uh be prepared for that

All of the colors are because I couldn't read this at first DX so I decided to make it more readable for all of our sakes

Winx Girls;

Bloom:

1. Earth Boy - Tony22 (for some reason this is the quintessential bloomy song in my head)

2. (L)only Child - salem ilese (✌️😔)

Stella:

1. Pink (Freak) - Elliot Lee (The realization in s3 that Stella gen believed her friends stuck around her and Brandon liked her because she was pretty killed me)

2. Dream Catcher - Set It Off (This song just reminds me of how uplifting Stella is to her friends she's so amazing)

Flora:

1. Hope World - J-Hope (optimism but with realism)

2. Forever - Sa-Roc (similar vibes)

Tecna:

1. Oh No! - MARINA (yeah, yeah)

2. Fuck u - Royal & the Serpent (S1 Tecna. It's like she thinks she has everything but she's still unhappy)

Musa:

1. All This Time (Pick-Me-Up Song) - Maria Mena (Shut up this song is so her and it makes me cry, it's so uplifting)

2. Spit it Out - Solar (This is exactly what Musa's first single and music video would be like)

Aisha:

1. Catch me if you can - Set It Off (Aisha's power is immense)

2. Are Satisfied? - MARINA (It reminds me of her drive)

Trix;

Icy:

1. Cold Blooded - Jessi (Oh come on, it fits)

2. Candy Store - Heathers (Alpha Bitch SUPREME)

Darcy:

1. Underneath the Mask - Royal and the Serpent (local manipulator)

2. Villain - K/DA (It fits Darcy the most...she IS playing with people's hearts with no care)

Stormy:

1. When I Rule the World - LIZ (unhinged like her)

2. Daughters of Darkness - Halestorm (Stormy is definitely the most connected to them, and the most loving of her sisters)

Specialists;

Sky:

1. Dollhouse - Melanie Martinez (Sky's family is fucked)

2. NDA - Billie Eilish (in s1 Brandon and Sky mentions people tend to only like Sky because he's the prince of Eraklyon)

Brandon:

1. Stunnin' feat. Harm Franklin - Curtis Waters (be stares at his own reflection, I'm right)

2. Fake Bitch - UPSAHL (Brandon will put anyone before himself)

Helia:

1. Regular 10 - Lenii (Reminds me of Helia's unhinged vibes and his ability to let no one know anything about him)

2. Therefore I am - Billie Eilish (This reminds me of his introduction)

Timmy:

1. Thank you anxiety - Avenue Beat (yeah)

2. Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots (he rlly got caught up in all this murder and destruction)

Riven:

1. Chase It - Set It Off (Riven getting into RF despite everyone doubting him theme song)

2. Horrible Kids - Set It Off (Riven being bitey origin story)

Nabu:

1. Tomorrow feat. Jason Lancaster - Set It Off (But they'll never cage your DREAMS!!!! SO FLY AWAY!!! Reminds me of him running away)

2. Selfish feat. Seulgi - Moonbyul (I wanna be selfish! I still have so many wishes! I'm having "Nabu not being able to see the world before s3" feelings)

Relationships;

Skloom:

1. Me W/O Us - Set It Off (oh this one hits Sky pov so well)

2. I'm in Love - Colde (yeah this song is so sweet)

Brella:

1. Don't Judge Me - Janelle Monáe (even though you say that you love me, I'm afraid you just love my disguise!!!! Ugh)

2. Love Like Mine - Stela Cole (YEAH STELLA AS A STELA SONG)

Floelia:

1. La Primavera feat. REMAH (this music video is so cute and matches them so much)

2. Your Soul - Forrest. (Soft soft)

Tecmy:

1. What If (I Told You I Like You) - Johnny Orlando, Kenzie (idk it's just sweet and awkward like them)

2. Electric Love - BØRNS (you get it–)

Rivusa:

1. Chasing Amy - TeaMarr (Ugh, this song captures the mood swing vibe perfectly. My soul)

2. Rock To My Roll - Anarbor (Every time I try to imagine Riven singing Musa a song it's this one, until I finish s5 that is XD)

Naisha:

1. Knew You - Kailee Morgue (I wish we were childhood friends to lovers the theme song)

2. Home - YEZI (Sobbing, still mad s4 killed Nabu)

Friendships;

Bloom&Stella:

1. Sarah Come Home - Allie X (Stella is usually the one that gets Bloom back from her run away trips)

Flora&Tecna:

1. Battle Scars - Paradise Fears (these two motivate and plan and keep the winx alive and it makes me feel FEELINGS)

Musa&Aisha:

1. Fuck, I luv my friends - renforshort (YEAHH)

Bloom&Tecna:

1. Never Know - Set It Off ("are you tired of being logical? Don't you just wanna go ape shit?")

Stella&Musa:

1. Self Aware - Durand Bernarr, Qveen Herby (vibes vibes vibes)

Flora&Aisha:

1. Drop pop candy - Reol (the trust between these two)

Bloom&Flora:

1. If We Have Each Other - Alec Benjamin (sobbing)

Stella&Aisha:

1. Hot One - Leyla Blue, Baby Tate, & REI AMI (Musa can also be included)

Tecna&Musa:

1. Devil Town - Cavetown (Idk these two trust in each other is soft

Bloom&Musa:

1. What if it doesn't end well - Chloe Moriondo (pessimistic friends)

Stella&Flora:

1. Gogobebe - MAMAMOO (party mom friend song)

Tecna&Aisha:

1. Daydream - J-Hope (Their both public figures who resent the way they act towards the public)

Bloom&Aisha:

1. 7/11 - Beyoncé (ultimate sleepover party song)

Stella&Tecna:

1. Taller than you - MAMAMOO (picking who would be taller was a long process)

Flora&Musa:

1. Wisdom - Mother Mother (for no other reason than Flora was the one telling Musa she also had problems from the start XD)

Other;

Characters;

Daphne:

1. Angle On Fire - Halsey (YOU KNOW I USED TO BE ON FIREEEE)

2. Hourglass - Set It Off (imagine being stuck under a lake for years and years and years, like your sense of time would end up fucked)

Mirta:

1. Dirty - grandson (Mirta drew the aggro of her schools most violent and cruel bullies for a random girl she didn't know, I love her)

2. Life Afraid - Set it Off (Mirta has big "things will be better or else" vibes)

Lucy:

1. Demons - Hayley Kiyoko (her)

2. Poser - Weathers (in my eternal defence Lucy is quite literally a poser, the she is probably Mirta)

Diaspro:

1. Angry Too - Lola Blanc (No I will not get over the fact she was raised to be a wife)

2. Cinderella's dead - EMELINE (NO I WILL NOT GRT OVER THE FACT SHE–)

Chimera:

1. WANNA BE MYSELF - MAMAMOO (Chimera being her weird Lolita fashion self despite her mom, love herrr)

2. Brutal - Olivia Rodrigo (Chimera being a normal teenager with an evil mother and a sister arc with Stella is so important to me)

Roxy:

1. Crush culture - Conan Gray (She's Aro, I've said so)

2. Transparent soul feat. Travis Barker - WILLOW (reminds me of Roxy's particular brand of leave me alone, Roxy goes to Alfea and hates all the people there the song)

Nebula:

1. Again - Crusher-p (being stuck in one place with no time for years has to have some effect on the brain)

2. You should see me in a crown - Billie Eilish (I'm obsessed with her coop, my crown now)

Relationships;

Driven:

1. Palm reader - Dreamers, Big Boi, & UPSAHL (Driven but not sad)

2. Who's in Control - Set It Off (Driven fallout but sad and angry)

Flirta:

1. Two queens in a king sized bed - girl in red (it's just so soft and loving)

2. More than a friend - girli (I can barely explain, I've just always associated this song with them)

Soundwave:

1. Boyfriend - Dove Cameron (The boyfriend is not Riven, but Aisha would steal Musa from her man given the chance)

2. Honey - Kehlani (This is them)

Lucy/Mirta:

1. What I need (feat. Kehlani) - Hayley Kiyoko (Lucy tries to hide her real self to fit in, and Mirta doesn't vibe)

2. Now or Never - Halsey (love me now or never, me or the Trix Lucy pick oneee)

[angeldiaries777]

life update maybe idek i just vent and its very personal and a little boring

im forgiving my family for my own sanity and well being. even if we're not as close as we used to be which is normal cuz were all getting older i hope that we can just stay civil and not toxic. im starting fresh. besides all of the mental trauama lmaoo. what im saying is im gonna try to create different thought patterns for myself and just maybe get on anxiety medication so i don't hurt others or myself. yeah. idc. but im tired of seeing people as my enemies. while i was a victim of abuse for a long time i cant deny it i just can't stay a victim anymore. sorry. i want to control my outcome. i don't think i will ever be good with certain relatives but i want to atleast be chill with my parents. yknow. and its not like those relatives are awful people. they're just average grown adults who didn't know how to speak to me when i was a child. nothing wrong with that. there were also good moments. i don't want to have such a negative view of my childhood because honestly it was pretty amazing compared to most i just also was scared of being happy because i thought id be stupid if i did things to help me cope better with my mental illnesses. im not. finally been staying consistent with brushing my teeth for thr first time in 2 years and eating more. not like a ton cuz its difficult for me after a restrictive ed however progress is progress. i just really want to make the last few months and next year really count. knowing that love from a distance is possible and even healthy. goodbyes are normal and ill figure it out with time. for once in my life i feel as if the world isn't on fire anymore and that i might be okay. still mentally ill. just learning that its okay to heal at ur own pace. and just cuz u thought something negative doesn't erase all of the good that you have done recently. honestly my goals now are to gain more mental clarity and to learn more about life and this world. i want to be ready for adulthood. time is going to pass regardless might aswell try and be present. and i know what i've been through. and no one else needs to validate me. and confidence. gonna work on my confidence issues aswell. not regarding my looks. physically im literally the girl that 7 year old me wished she looked like and while that makes me beyond happy i want to be confident in my beauty and for who i am as i learn who i am. and what i actually believe in. where my morals stand and such. basically ive i don't want to say matured because thats true but ive felt that way before i think i have just actually realized that theres an entire world out there outside of my anxiety brain and that i am fully capable of love and living a healthy happy life. no matter how difficult it was and will continue to be considering im human i know there will be other tough times. and ive already overcome so much at such a young age i just feel ready almost for whatever is next. mental illness and my relationship with it oh my god that could have its own post entirely i think i will stop typing tonight because my fingers hurt but i want to write about how healing with mental ilness feels especially with brain fog omg that would be super interesting and

[wrenofwvnds]

Wow, can you believe it, 10 years with BTS! it seems only yesterday I started listening to this group of 7 boys from south korea (it's been 2 years) and now here we are a whole decade (2 years) later! /j real talk tho im super grateful that BTS came into my life, like any of my BIG special interests, they've been a source of comfort and helped me through some really tough times! When I was gearing up to get my c*vid v*ccine (I dont want the information thing on my post lol), I’d wake up feeling super gross weird from anxiety dreams, not to mention my horrendously hot bedroom, but watching run bts helped me through that. I listened to their music through medical exams and watched them perform when my sertraline side effects were really bad. But it's not all been bad haha, some of my absolute favourite memories of my and my sister have been seeing PTD in the cinema, dancing together and seeing SUGA in the cinema more recently!! They've introduced us to new food, new experiences and most importantly feel like family. Like how they are with each other is the type of friendships I aspire to have. I feel very lucky to be alive at the same time as them and I can't understate how much they’ve influenced me creatively, fashion-wise, with unmasking my autism, and just overall making me happy! I should also add they've also led me to make some wonderful connections with other ARMY :’) I’m super curious to see what they do when they come back together and I’m begging that I get to see them live one day!! I think I’d explode with excitement honestly. Thank u for being u BTS! ~ “The best is yet to come” ~

Oh, also I’m making a screen print of this!! Keep an eye out for that :) it's actually only 3 colours! Also, the image in the centre is only one line. I didn't kno if id be able to draw 7 people but I really pushed myself and technically drew 14 people haha. I worked so so hard on this so I hope u like it and it reaches the right ppl <3

“We have you all now, after ten winters and springs” 3 colour digital illustration for BTS’ 10th anniversary

[6okuto]

Oh my god protective rime?!?!?!??!?!?!? Im literally addicted. My head is so full.. so many ideas.. is it okay if i maybe request some more protective rime hcs? I just,,, i love him :( mmmmmm mc is seriously injured and rime doesnt know what to do!!!!! Holy shit!!!!! Pain and suffering for all of us :) also happy new year!! Hope 2022 is a good year for you <3

warnings: mention of catcalling & harassment (minimal detail) happy new year!!! i hope it's a good for u too 😙 more protective rime....eough

one of rime's love languages is just willingness to kill i think

rime subtly moving next to mc when a new threat that appears

no omg...imagine they're out and mc is drunk and rime doesn't let them out of his sight . rime getting rid of any drinks people offer. mc getting clingier throughout the night and he just lets them

rime guard dog rime guard dog

rime scares people away so mc can enjoy themselves. sometimes i forget he's literally 6 feet tall

if someone catcalls mc he will unapologetically punch them into a wall and walk away only when mc says that's enough ┐( ˘_˘)┌

if anybody made mc even slightly uncomfortable he would Appear. they're touching mc in any way and he's ripping them off and starting a fight

it inevitably ends with somebody on the ground and that somebody is not rime

he's the kind of guy where if someone doesn't believe mc has a boyfriend or won't leave them alone he will actually just come up and kiss them and get really touchy to prove a point

and i love mc! a win! now i need them to get seriously injured so i can watch rime break his little act of not caring about them and we can move to new heights

rime looking for mc and hearing them scream his name, his blood running cold

i need this guy to watch them get hurt and be filled with adrenaline and anger and genuine Fear

rime being forced to choose between chasing after the attacker vs checking on mc

he ultimately chooses to help mc because he can find the attacker later, but if he loses them over this he'd never get over it

shaky-breath-and-crying-a-little rime

his hands wavering over the injury because he's scared to touch them at first and doesn't know what to do

can rime still heal. rime is either the main person healing them or telling everybody what to do very very precisely

if they fuck something up he gets pissed

no one can calm this guy down until mc is finally looking better

i'm not saying they woke up to rime at the edge of their bed who, when his head shoot up, they notice has bloodshot eyes and disheveled hair,, but i'm not saying that didn't happen

silly protective rime telling them not to go on any missions until they're completely healed despite any protests

"i can handle it." "no, you can't. i'm not dealing with you while you're injured. do you want to get us killed?"

he won't let them go anywhere alone until 1) he's confident they're fine or 2) mc starts a fight with him and makes him face his own feelings and anxiety

i do love the idea of them pushing rime to be vulnerable and him finally blurting out something about how "if anything happens to you and i could have stopped it—" and cutting himself off because he realized what he said though

[psychokangaroo]

I find it very interesting that one of the medical education bigwigs I've been working with this year disappears once shit hits the fan and lets another more senior person be the bad guy to confront me. Especially since she was part of the reason why my entire schedule got messed up in the first place and why I had a small breakdown last June.

Granted, it doesn't help that the person being a bad guy is not super friendly to start with.

And yes a big part of why I'm dealing with some stuff right now is a result of my own actions and my own trust issues with authority fogures and my crippling anxiety with asking for help. and I fully take responsibility for what happened and work with my therapist to help sooth out the kinks.

But I do find the bigwigs politicking to be kind of underhanded and a dick move to use the more senior assistant dean as a metaphorical gun to get me to do stuff. She was supposed to work with me on this. Yet we had one meeting before I got tossed to the higher up. And she really didn't do all that much besides telling me I have a high chance of not matching and to do another specialty, and then tell me I'm at a slightly high chance of not matching again, a week before nrmp cert is due, despite me interviewing at multiple top programs in the country. This is the second time she almost uses a scare tactic on me because I may not match, sets my world on fire, and trigger a depressive episode.

I do believe that she and the rest of the deans want students to do well and to match, but my own eperi3nces and those I've heard about really makes it obvious that the schools priority is more so reputation than what is best foe the student, and so many of the "initiatives" are as much for the sake of doing something for the sake of looking good.

And the more senior dean that got used as a weapon of psychological intimidation? Ditto with the whole priority of protecting the schools reputation. But she's less sociable and less good at appearing empathetic. Less good at making people feel warm and fuzzy. Still kind of manipulative though. I'm glad I didn't go ask her for adhd accommodations. My wariness about her feels more justified.

Out of all the admin people I've dealt with, u still think my mstp director as the most sincere in terms of helping students.

Also last rant. I didn't meet any of the deans in my entire 7 years at my program until now. I literally used to walk by the more senior dean multiple times a day omw to school and omw home. She never recognized me. I am a bottom quartile student, but I've never failed a single test in the entire time I was there. I'm a lowkey student and not very extroverted, but I do solid work. The number of publications i put out during graduate school is probably in top 1-2% across the entire school. I've gotten endowed fellowships and given talks at multiple world class conferences. I don't need recognition, and i fully realize that a part of why I had those accomplishments is related to social networking related to my former PI and my parents (Also the reason I never made formal complaints about ferpa violations and whatnot despite it being a direct trigger for php). But I find it funny that when everything is sunny, the dean doesn't even recognize me even when I walk past her a dozen times a week for 6 years. But when shit hits the fan it is all "look we don't know each other, but how did you get into this situation?" "Oh. You were in treatment? Maybe you should just go back to treatment. If you are this overwhelmed right now, I don't know if you can handle residency. This transition is rough!" (Becaise God forbid high functioning ND ppl with multiple psych dx go to medical school. Also you don't know me. You don't know why this happened. You don't known how I specifically will handle residency. My therapist and psych both think I'm fine so forgive me if I ignore you). "Look I know it can be embarrassing when something like [situation] happens" (actually no I'm not embarrassed. I straight up don't trust you to a) not judge me and b) have my best interests at heart. And I think I'm pretty justified). People have said similar things about our medical education office, but it definitely feels super legit in light of recent events

[silverrstarrr]

Normal girl (2)

Note: i just edit this chapter a bit and added more dialog. Someone messaged me and helped me out with a few things, thank you!

Chapter 2:

Walking side by side down the stairs, you took a sip of your coffee and place your herd of keys the side of your book bag. yume was scrolling through her phone on tik tok, drinking from her coconut Carmel ice coffee. You didn't understand why she was drinking ice coffee in mid February, it was cold. It was surprising their wasn't any snow.

Grinning like an idiot, she shaked your shoulder, positioning her phone in front of you–you both watched the tik tok. You didn't laugh at first only smiling, yume kept gesturing you to keep watching, waiting for the punchline. Finally it came up and you both started laughing, you slowly shaked your head placing your hand over your mouth.

"NOOO, nooo. That was so wrong, yall are going to hellll" you whined out.

Yume wiped the tears from her face and continued down the last step. She opened up the door and slid out, you trialing behind her. You both proceeded to walk down the street, where all the park cars were out.

"We riding in rich today girlie, jump in," she lifted up her arm that held her drink, her other reached into her purse and grabbed her car keys.

"I thought we were gonna walk there? It's only 10 minutes." You headed towards her car as she unlocked it and sat in the driver's seat. She had a 2018 dark Grey Nissan altima. You remember her having this ever since junior year, you recalled her talking about getting a newer model since this one was old. Like girl what? Old your ass, if the car still functioning there ain't no problem. White people shit, man.

"Well, it's the first day of sweet college life," she dragged out the last few words, adding a sarcastic tone. Yume tossed her bag in the backseat through the open space from the front, She dropped her drink in the little cup holder as well. Catching up with her, you open the backseat's door and chucked your bag in there–immediately closing it after. You pull the passengers door open and sat down, closing it behind you. Yume did the same–letting out a large sigh as she used her long sleeve to rub her legs, which were freezing.

"Bruh, you were just cold. Shouldn't have wore that skirt knowing it was this cold. Your mother would be disappointed," you moved your head side ways, pretending to be disappointed. You dropped your dunkin' drink in the other cup holder next to hers.

"Y/n, shut upp." Rolling her eyes jokingly, She grabbed the buckled next to her seat and puts it on. You placed your seat belt on too. Automatically, her phone connected to the car, you check over at the screen in the middle. It had the time, the degrees outside and all that other fancy things.

"Wanna play something?" she inserted the keys into the ignition and started the car.

"Yeah, I'll type it in,"

You grabbed her phone, showing the screen to her to unlock it, automatically recognizing her face– the lock screen slid up, revealing all her apps. You went to spotify and played "C U Girl" by Steve lacy.

"OKAAYYY, MS. INDIE TIK TOKER." Yume said nodding her, jamming to song. It was only going to be a 5 minute drive, or 7 if you guys couldn't find parking. She swerved to the left, leaving her parking space and pulling off. You whipped out your phone and paused your music, rapidly switching to snapchat–you heard yume's loud singing.

"I WANNA SEE YOU GUURRLL, I WANNA PLEASE YOU GIRL....GO AHEAD AND BE YOUR GIRL," This girl was jamming her out heart out, steve lacy was her favorite along with Brent faiyaz and many others.

In response, you started cackling as you hit the record button—swiftly turning over it to the driver. Her black ponytail moving as she sang and motioning her head in all different directions. Eyeing towards your direction she sees the phone and leans towards the camera flashing a smile, moving her head side to side—still singing through the lyrics. Yume returned back to the road as she lightly taps the steering, avoiding the horn of course.

Once the quick little vid was done, you added a caption,

"I swear if we crash😭😭💕"

Your thumb jolted between posting it on your private or public. You decided to post on the public story because why not? The song was over pretty quickly as the next one played.

"Who knew white people had rhythm?!" It was obviously sarcasm. You knew she was half Asian but it was fun always calling out her white side.

"Naaahh, white people don't have any rhythm. What you saw there was my miki matsubara pop out". She eases down her breaks– the traffic light turns red. Miki Matsubara? Oh yeah, it's that woman who sung "stay with me". It was a good song, you were obsessed with the chorus mostly. 

You giggled a bit at her remark, you checked your socials once again.

"If this light doesn-" Yume sentence was cut off by the light turning green. She pressed her foot on the gas and carried on with attending class.

                                  ~~~

Pulling up to the parking lot, yume leaned towards her wheel, searching for a place to park. She slowly went down each isle searching for a vacant lot she could snag. You had your drink in between your lips, you took the last sip and shook the plastic cup trying to get a little more. All you heard was ice rattling against one another, dropping the cup back in the holder. You peer out the window looking at the campus, there were a ton of kids, like a lot. Anxiety began spiking up through your veins, this really is the college life, huh? Maria University. It was a school for literally anything, it was one of the biggest universities in the country as well being highly diverse. Yume would be allll the way on the other side of campus while you're slightly in the middle.

"Uggghhh! I regret not leaving earlier, I don't see any open slots." She whined. This was her 2nd time driving around the parking lot looking for a space.

"I said we should walk but nahhh, you wanted to be lazy and take the car." You rolled your eyes as yume, exaggerating, throwing your hands in the air. But you weren't going to be late on the first day. As the generous queen you are, you aided your roomie with looking a space to park. After analyzing for a few moments, you spotted a space and immediately tapped at the window, pointing towards it. Yume car swerved to the left, sliding right into the parking. Taking her keys out the hole, she grabbed her drink and headed out.

"No leaving trash in my car, miss L/n!"

You grabbed your plastic cup and opened the passenger door.

"Yes ma'am," you opened the backseat and grabbed the two bags and closed the door. Beep yume locked her car. She was sipping her coffee but gave a bitter expression when her sweet drink was watered down because of the ice. You looked at your phone, checking the time:

                             8:38 am

                 Monday, February 18th

                                                               38m ago

Kittykiller27, prettygirlnene liked your photo

                                                               45m ago

[Andyhas]: CRONA BECK started following you and 48 others.

Your phone was blowing up from insta notifications. It was time for class and you weren't sure how long it'll even take you to find your classroom. Slinging the bag over your shoulder, you handed yume her own, which she grabbed. You both were speed walking, despite her coffee being ruined she still continued to drink it. It was for the caffeine you guessed. Reaching the sidewalks, it was time to part ways. Yume turned her face towards yours pouting.

"We're leaving each other nooww," she stuck out her bottom lip staring at you. You grabbed her arm, pulling her closer to you. Her arms slithered around your waist, resting her chin on your shoulder–giving you a warm hug. You returned the hug by grunting and holding her tightly.

She started giggling and patted your back a few times, you released your grip and she started to jog in the other direction while looking back, waving at you. You waved back hollering a "BYEEEE!" A trash can was next to you so you dumped your empty dunkin' there.

It was now time for your own adventure, to find this damn classroom. You click the play button on your phone's lock screen, "baby powder by Jenevieve began playing. (Play the song whores👩🏾‍💻)

Walking downwards to the left side of campus, you searched for a pair of doors to go inside of. At this moment, you regretted not going to orientation. That day you were busy setting up your website for your makeup line. You haven't released any products yet, but you had plentiful of ideas and themes you wanted to do. Since it was black history month, maybe you'll drop something as simple as a face cream to help clear and brighten up the skin. But you discarded that thought because you weren't anywhere near ready to start your own small business. Plus, you had bigger things to worry about.

Standing in front of double doors, you grab the handles and pulled it back, you stepped inside while students behind you did the same. You came in slowly, admiring the interior. It was hella spacy with paintings and photos hanging along the walls. Students were roaming the hallways going back and forth from classrooms. Most of the students seemed to be in some sort of costume, or they were dressed fairly well like they were models. You didn't know the directions to your designated class, so you took up the courage to ask someone. You turned to search for someone who didn't seem busy, since most people were rushing to class. Finally you laid eyes on q girl leaning against the wall, typing on her phone. She had long pink acrylic nails, her blonde hair tied into a low ponytail, which complimented her pale skin tone. She had a gold nose piercing on the right nostril.

She seemed nice enough, so you decided to approach her.

"Um excuse me, do you know where Mr. Fargo's class is at?"

The blonde girl averted her eyes from her phone, now focusing on you.

"I'm not really sure—um, I believe it's down that way." She pointed to the right of her.

"Mr. Fargo, he's teaches cosmetic right?"

"Yeah," you replied

"Then I think it should be down there." She scrunched her face in a confusing manner, meaning not to take her word for granted. But you couldn't care less, it was worth a try.

"Ight, thank you." You bid her goodbye. Oop. You accidentally switched your lingo. You were used to speaking in AAVE but you knew how to change your tone and wordplay around others who weren't African American. The girl didn't seen to notice so you just continued down the hall.

"Down... here right..? Yeah this is the way," you murmured to yourself while you strut down the hall. Then turned left as the lady told you. You were now at a hall with multiple doors. Out of all them, you forget the most important, class started in five minutes. You looked to the left as your braids swayed with your movement, then searched to the right. You walked down the hallway, stopping at the fifth door on the left. You were hesitant with grabbing the door, you didn't want to make a fool of yourself walking into the wrong room as all eyes are on you. You pulled out your phone and texted yume.

(I did a different message format just in the previous was confusing)

                 colonizer but times 2🧑🏻‍🦲

       

                        I'm so lost, this is embarrassing.

Lost? What happened

                        

                               Idk where my class is

                             & its starting in a few

You don't know where?? Bruh

Ask someone, im sure they'll help you

                              I did...but she didn't tell me

                                    which class it was😭 all.

she said was "down the hall"

BYEE LMAOO

Uhh

Just open the door you think it is😋       

                      UH- HUH🧏🏾‍♀️ YOU SETTING ME

                               UP FOR FAILURE.

     

       Imagine going into the wrong class and

                 all you see are eyes 👁👁

Girl, half of the people won't even see you again on campus👩🏻‍🏫

If you don't recognize the teacher, try to ask a student close to the door for direction

         Okay, im blaming you if I make a fool.    

                           outta myself 😟

                        Read at 8:43 am

(Play quicksand by SZA rq 👩🏾‍💻)

You decided to take your roomie's advice and pick a class, which you already did.

You dropped your phone back into your jacket pocket and swung open the door–you were prepared for the stares. The classroom was vacant, not even a teacher in sight. Just a bunch of stools and white pull down screens. You saw a few cameras standing in front of these screens. "Was this the photography class or sum?" You mumbled to yourself.

And well, eyes were on you but it wasn't a herd as you expected, just one. Sitting on one of the stools in front of the door, was pale skin boy with long brown hair. It rested at his shoulders, some of it covering his face even. He seemed around 6ft, or 6 ft 2? You couldn't really tell since he was sitting.

He had on some black jeans with a black long sleeve sweatshirt as well with a beige greenish short sleeve unbutton shirt rested on top of it– a long golden key necklace dangled from his chest. His hands were sitting between his lap, you noticed sliver rings on them.(his outfit for people who need help visualizing) The teal eyed boy was also rocking black & white air Jordan 1 retro, literally the same as you.

You screamed internally at how fine this man looked and he had shoe gang? Uggghh. Class been started and you were going to be late on your first because this OBVIOUSLY wasn't your class. You decided to break the awkward silence and speak,

"Hey, um, is this Mr. Fargos class?" You stepped more into the classroom for the brunette male to hear you.

"Wrong one, babe. His class is in a totally different building." A different building?! You wanted to die right there and then, especially after hearing him laugh after his statement. Not just the wrong class but the wrong building? Bye–you're so stupid. His eyes scanned your body, his eyes lingered a bit longer at your shoes–it seems he noticed. A smirk appeared on his lips after finishing his quick outfit interrogation–wait, did he just call you-? I-, yes he did. You tried your best to hide your smile and not react.

"O-ooo, I got it. Thanks" Eren released a small chuckled seeing your reaction, he could tell you were caught up with the little pet name.

"I'll walk you over there." He got off his stool and walked towards your direction.

"I-, nah it's good, I got it." You said in defense not wanting to bother him. He didn't respond and just passed by you, exiting the classroom. He held onto the door, looking at you.

"You coming or no?" He was so nonchalant with it everything. You smiled a bit and walked out the class alongside with him. He released his grip once you were out and started trialing behind you.

You paused for a moment because you didn't know where you were going. You turned back to look at him, he caught on and let out an "ah". He quickly got in front of you as you proceeded behind him.

"So," he said.

"What?" You replied. Why did he start a sentence and not finish it? Was he expecting you to start the conversation, weirdo. You just wanted to get to class l.

"Oo, sassy are we?" He raised a brow.

"What—? boy, say what you wanna say."

Once again, he let out a chuckle, flashing you a small. God, was his laugh attractive.

"You're into makeup and stuff?" He questioned.

"Yeah, I'm into 'makeup and stuff' " You said the last few words in the mocking tone, referring to what he called cosmology.

"That's good, at least I'll be seeing you often."

"Often? Oh, are you in that major also?" You said.

"No...Do you really not know anything?" He made you feel dumb by his response. How were you suppose to know what he meant? You clicked your teeth and started walking ahead. You pushed back the door that lead to another hallway and walked towards the end to push the second door that lead to another building.

The brunette boy watched as you left him behind in the dirt, waiting for the moment you'll turn the wrong corner—so he could tease you about it then correct you.

It wasn't too long till you reached your destination, you both stopped in front of the class's door.

"Well, see you. I hope you don't make snarky remarks to every girl you meet."

"Nah, only you princess." He had a smirk on his face, ooo! You wanted to wipe it off.

You glanced at him and his eyes were already on you, you broke eye contact and reached for the handle.

"Wait–" you whipped your heard back.

"Yeah?"

He cleared his throat

"Name's Eren," you let out a small giggle, did he really just stop you to say his name? Puhleasee. Hearing your laugh, his face brightened up and kept his eyes on you.

"Okay, Eren~. Thank you for walking me, I gotten get to class now."

You opened the door and stepped inside. Eren didn't even get a chance to ask your name. Luckily for him, your major mingled a lot with his own, he could only hope to see you again around campus.

‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿

Authors note: UGHHH, I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT FOR THIS just to pass out a few hours before school started. 🥲 I wasn't even paying attention in English and math class, but hope yall enjoyed <3.

Pt 3

[waynewifey]

Fading away. —

Pairing: Jason Grace x Roman!DaughterofPluto!Reader

Sumary: after moths of over working, a colapse makes you get into a coma and reflect on your feelings.

Warnings: coma, angst, Pluto as a caring dad, fluff at the end.

Words: +-3k.

A/N: This is my first Percy Jackson Franchise fanfiction, so take it easy on me. This is also my biggest and favourite one. I hope you like this! My requests are always open.

(Y/N) (L/N) had a good reason to hate Jason Grace. How could she not? Jason was so annoying, self centred, selfish, stubborn and worse of all? He dated Piper McLean. Piper was great, (Y/N) knew that and they seemed happy together. But, still, he chose Piper, not (Y/N), his girlfriend back at Camp Jupiter, who he totally forgot about. How come Percy remembered Annabeth but Jason wouldn't remember (Y/N)? And when he recovered his memory, he chose Piper. But she also loved him still, and seeing him hurt like a bullet going straight through her heart. She decided to spend a year at Half-Blood Camp to stay with her half-brother Nico Di Angelo when Gaea were defeated. She thought she could manage to see him almost every day, but she couldn't. So she started doing anything to get her mind occupied. Going on meaningless quests, travelling to New York randomly, volunteering for literally any service in the camp and barely sleeping — because sleeping meant dreams.

"It doesn't have to be like that, (Y/N)." Her brother gave her another shot of Nectar. The sunlight that entered Hades' cabin was leaving slowly as they talked, (Y/N) leaned on her bed watching her fingertips become solid again.

"I'll learn how to do it right and I promise I won't push myself too much, but I can't stop practicing." She avoided eye contact with Nico, feeling ashamed of herself. After all, she was supposed to be the one taking care of him, since she was older. She came back from a "quest" for her father, that was staying a weekend on the Underworld. She started using Shadow Travel to get there. The problem? She had no idea how hard it was, and she almost died every time. He sighted.

"I'm not talking about Shadow Travel. You should talk to Jason and sort this out. You're almost killing yourself everyday doing the craziest stuff just to keep your mind off him. He already broke up with Piper, what's stopping you now? I'm your brother and it pains me to see you suffering, I won't just sit and watch while you literally desapear." He got up and walked to the door. The (h/c) girl forced a smile so he believed she was fine. Nico left the cabin.

After hours reflecting and thinking, she heard the trumpets that announced the convocation to a game of Capture the Flag. Since she was feeling better, she changed her clothes and walked outside. The teams were: cabins 1, 4, 5, 9, 12, 14, 18, 21, 23, 27, 28, 29 vs. cabins 2, 6, 7, 10, 11, 13, 15, 16, 20, 24, 25, 26. They started the game. (Y/N) had to protect the boundary with a kid from Hipnos' cabin while a group attacked the opponent's flag and another protected their territory and their flag. Everything was going as planned, she hadn't seen anyone yet. Out of the sudden, she saw a blond guy running in their direction with a sword. Oh hell no, Jason Grace wouldn't attack her like that. But he did.

"What the hell?!" She screamed, reacting to the blade flying in her direction. Her teammate was asleep. She defended herself with her own sword and counterattacked. He invested against her leg, trying to make her fall. Her instincts took place, she jumped, attacked again and they started a meaningless battle. Jason looked the same as always. He was almost the same Jason that used to take her on cute dates in New Rome. But he fought like a greek. And that was when it hit her, he changed. The mixture of love and hate made her loose her senses for a bit, giving Jason the lead. He focused on her leg but hesitated to hit it, giving her time to get back on the fight. She knocked him to the floor, her foot on his chest and her blade on his neck, when she heard footsteps approaching quickly. Of course. It was a trap. She turned around and saw a son of Hebe holding her team's flag running, followed by two daughters of Hephaestus. She grabbed a knife from her belt and threw it to his leg, hitting exactly where she wanted. She then grabbed Jason's blade and Shadow Travelled. For a moment everything was fine, while she drowned into darkness, but then she couldn't get out. She saw her father's face mixed in the dark. He raised his hand and touched her face, than she was back at the forest. Realising not even a second had gone through, she attacked the — injured — boy and the two gigantic girls at the same time. She wasn't really expecting to defeat them, just trying to win some time so, hopefully, someone would come help her. The boy dropped the flag and got a small sword. The two girls had hammers... oh. The three of them attacked at the same time and she protected herself with Jason's sword, which flew away. She was out of hopes when a figure appeared beside her and started fighting them.

"What are you doing here?! You're not supposed to help me, we're enemies, remember?" She said, fighting Hebe's son.

"I guess you're welcome then." Jason replied smiling, fighting the hammers-girls. (Y/N) sighted in annoyance. Seconds later, her teammates came running from the enemies' territory with a flag and the three-people group surrendered. Everyone started screaming and celebrating. (Y/N)'s head hurt with the noise and she looked to her brother, feeling numb.

"Hey, can we talk?" Jason said, getting in front of her with a big smile. He was proud of himself for helping her? Of course he was. He was going to take all the credit for her team's win. The anger rose inside of her burning everything. She furrowed her eyebrows and with the last energy that remained in her body, she tried to Shadow Travel for the perhaps hundredth time that day.

She fell into the darkness while feeling her body desapear quickly. Her heart was very accelerated but then it stopped. She saw herself at the barks of Lete's river. I'm dead., she thought. The desperation started taking over. She remembered the face of all her friends. Her siblings, Hazel and Nico. Her mother. Her best friend Reyna. Camp Jupiter. New Rome. The Lar Vitellius. Lares? Lares! Maybe she could go back as a ghost! She would at least see her friends again.

"Didn't expect to see you this soon." A voice said with humor. She turned around, as always enlighten by her father's presence. But his face was sad. Not the everyday-sad-Pluto, but the my-daughter-just-died-sad-Pluto.

"Am I d-... dead?" The anxiety forbid her from crying in front of her father. The one she never knew and once she did, she didn't want to disappoint him.

"Yes and no. You see, my darling, there are things more powerful then death. Right now, your physical being is exhausted from travelling through darkness and light — which I told you not to, but we'll talk about this later, you have a decision to make. You're body is surrendering to Death out of hopelessness. But your soul, on the other hand, still fights for the heart beating in your chest. And your conscious, the controller of both body and soul, has to decide which one of them you'll support right now. As Lord of the Death that's all I can say to you. But as your father, I would like to say that we have a room for you in the castle, if you'd like that. And also, I feel obligated to show you what is happening on Earth." When he finished his words, an image formed in the air, sort of an Iris message, but no one saw them. (Y/N) saw herself laying on the grass, surrounded by some campers, Nico and Jason.

She was watching them from above. Jason put two fingers on her neck, trying to feel her pulse. She — the one in the Underworld — gasped as the blond boy whispered 'nothing'. She glanced at her father, who had a pained expression as he stared at Nico freaking out. Her brother had his hands on her chest and was murmuring something in greek. Then, he opened his eyes, filled with tears of desperation, and glanced at Jason, who didn't look any better. She wanted to scream and go back to up there, but her voice wouldn't come out of her throat.

"Half of her is already gone." Nico struggled to say. Everyone around gasped. "I can't Shadow Travel with her, it- it would k-kill the other half..."

"Let's take her to the Infirmary. Everything's gonna be fine. She'll be okay." Will Solace had appeared in the crowd and kneed down to take (Y/N) in the arms, being helped by the other two. As they walked, (Y/N) held herself in her arms, sobbing. She didn't want to die, not like that. The image faded away and Pluto hugged her. He never did that before. She left out all her emotions through the cry. Her father caressed her back and gently kissed the top of her head.

"Now you see, my child, what those on Earth are going through. You have a family up there. And if you'd ask me, Jason Grace is a good person, even being a son of my brother. You have a choice, so make it wisely." Pluto said, not backing away from the hug. She nodded and he immediately knew what her choice was. "You know I'd love to have you here with me, but I'd love even more to see you happy. Don't be reckless. And listen to your brother. You don't have to worry to come see me, I'll make sure to visit you during your recovery." As he said that, a white door appeared out of nowhere. "Here's your carpool." The girl started to walk to the door, when she heard Pluto say: "(Y/N) I lo-... Good luck." She smiled to him and went through into the door. It felt like eons in the nothingness. She felt so much pain all over her body. Then she gained conscience. She didn't knew how long it had passed. She also couldn't open her eyes or say anything, but she knew she was laying down something comfortable, a bed, perhaps. But she could hear perfectly well.

"... and I'm so sorry you had to die for me to gain the courage to say this. Please come back to us... Come back to me. Nico barely leaves this room and nor do I, Will had to force him to go eat. It's not the same without you, (Y/N/N), it really isn't." Jason's words gave her the urge to cry, but she couldn't. It was like her body had shutdown completely. She felt his warm hands on her cold ones and after that, a door was opened. Footsteps. Only one person. Jason didn't move. Someone sat down next to them.

"Dad- I mean, Hades said she will be okay." It was Nico's voice. He sounded extremely tired.

"Didn't he say that last month?" Grace was annoyed, but he didn't stop holding her hand.

"I know, I wish I could do more... I'm... I'm sorry Jason." The blond sighted.

"I should be the one to be saying that. I know there's nothing else to do. I'm sorry for putting the blame on you. It's just- if we've talked before, nothing of this would have happened. If only I was brave enough..." (Y/N) felt weak and her consciousness was back at nothing again. When she heard something again, it looked like a lot of time had passed by, but she wasn't sure at all. Jason's voice was happy as he told her his plans to the future.

"I realised you would like to work with me training the legion. You're obviously skilled and the payment is quite good. And I've heard they are planning to build a village here as well, but I don't know if you-..." Every time she tried to stay conscious, she felt weaker. 'Rest', her father's voice said inside of her head, so she let herself.

Some time...? A long time...? She didn't knew. But the next time she heard, she was way stronger. She waited until then, so she could stay longer and try to understand her emotions. She heard almost an entire day. Her friends entered and left cabin 13 — she found out that she was there. Some of them talked "to" her, some just sat there in silence. When alone, Nico talked a lot about Will Solace. (Y/N) smiled mentally. Then Jason entered. She could already recognise the sound he made walking. He sat beside her bed and held her hand, as usual.

"Hello, princess. You look better." She reunited all the strength she had storage and sent it all to her right hand. She softly squeezed Jason's hand, for a small portion of second, trying to say 'hi'. She felt exhausted. He gasped.

"She just squeezed my hand!" He screamed, laughing. Nico jumped out of his bed, laughing as well. They both stared at her, waiting for more. "You're there, right? I knew you were! It's been long months, but you're getting better. Don't work too hard. We'll see each other soon, don't worry." He kissed her forehead. After that, it was easy for her to let go and dive into her sleep again.

She was slowly getting better. She noticed her comas were smaller now, and she got stronger every time. She started communicating by squeezing people's hand. One time for 'yes' and two times for 'no'. But it still was exhausting. She met with her father a couple times through dreams, but it never lasted long. She was sick of it. She wanted to jump out of the bed and run through all the camp. She was alone with Jason, as he talked about the last time he went to Camp Jupiter, telling every change. She slowly forced herself to open her eyes. It wasn't for too long, just enough for her to see the big smile he had while talking, her favourite blond hair and how he gesticulated while speaking. By that time, her feelings were completely lined. She declined her childishness and stubbornness to accept the fact that she obviously loved him. Her lips were able to form a small smile. He hadn't noticed her yet. I can do this, she thought.

"J." She whispered for the first time in five months. Her eyes were already closed again. He gasped.

"Did you just say J? That's me! I'm here, i'm right here, love. Can you hear me?" She squeezed his hand one time. Yes. He chortled. "You're so strong. I miss you so much." He started softly crying. She squeezed his hand two times. No. Don't cry, she wanted to say. "Alright, 's fine, 's fine. Gods, you're coming back. I bet Aphrodite is watching us closely." He chuckled but suddenly stopped. "I forgot we haven't talked about that yet, i'm sorry. I don't wanna be intrusive, you know. It's just, by what Nico has told me, well, you still liked me." She squeezed two times. "That's... that's great, love. But don't worry about that just yet. You should take some rest now, my love."

Five days. She had woken up every single one of them, but only listening. No squeezes, no talking, no looking. Just storing strength. She knew she was close to fully waking up. She was already able to keep track of the days. It was a Sunday, the day she received the most visits. It should be morning, because she only heard Nico's snorting. She slowly opened her eyes. The same place. Different clothes. She wondered who had changed them. Perhaps Will did. She systematically moved her arms, pushing herself to sit. Her back was laying at wall. She took a deep breath. It was going fine. She wanted to wake Nico up, but she decided to wait to see if she would be able to actually stay awake. About an hour later, Nico woke up by himself. He yawned and turned to her bed. She looked at him with a big smile. He jumped out of bed.

"Holy shit, (Y/N)! You're up! How- Wait! I need to- Wait! Don't fall asleep, I'll be right back!" She blinked slowly to sign 'ok'. He was back moments running later with a bunch of teenagers in pyjamas. They all froze at the door, staring at her. Hazel, Frank, Annabeth, Percy, Jason and even Piper. Hazel was the first one to wake up from the trance. She ran to her sister and hugged (Y/N).

"Ouch." She managed to say, reacting to the tight hug that made her head hurt.

"Right, sorry! I forgot. Wait, you speak!" Hazel answered and laughed. All of the others joined in, amazed by her friend, and started talking, telling everything she had missed. (Y/N) couldn't speed properly, only a few words like 'hi', 'ow', 'miss' and 'food'. Later that day, Will came to check on her. He said everything looked just fine, but that she should rest.

"Hey." Zeus' son said, once they were alone.

"Hi."

"Gods, it's so good to finally hear you again. I've talked to myself for a long time." They giggled softly. (Y/N) wasn't showing any signs of it, but that day had been extremely tiring. Her entire body hurt but she couldn't give up just yet.

"I... heard." She whispered. "A bit." Her eyes tried to close but she opened them wide, fighting her own nature. Jason noticed that.

"Hey, no need to over do it.” He brushed her cheek with his thumb.

"Sleep... here." She begged, placing her hand beside her. He froze for a moment, embarrassed. And then, with a rubor across his face, he sat on the bed beside her. She laid her head on his chest and quickly fell asleep.

“Go to sleep, love. We have all the time in the world.”

[definitelynotcesia]

Hello Cesia how are you?? First of all I miss you, I promise I'll read those recent updates as soon as my uni stops filling too much on my plate hahaha

I was mindlessly scrolling on Tumblr and I saw your recent post about ADHD. I wanted to speak a little about it since I do have it and it sucks honestly. So I'll probably get too excited, if you don't want to read it I totally understand, you don't even need to post it, do whatever feel comfy for you sweetie I mean it ( ˘ ³˘)♥. - Kaomoji anonie (U❍ᴥ❍)

So the thing is, doesn't matter if you are diagnosed or not, you'll suffer from people's prejudice either way, because of misinformation, both from neurothypicals and ADHDers themselves. But having a diagnose helps you and those around you understand yourself better, if the right information is spread.

The first thing we think we hear about ADHD is in the name, Attention deficit and Hyperactivity (no shit Sherlock), and that's all most people know about ADHD, they can't focus, can't sit still, are impulsive, in other words, disruptive behavior, these behavior are often mistaken as character flaws, that's why they say "oh you're not trying hard enough", "why can't you sit still?" , "If you cared about it you would remember" witch is understandable because you know... misinformation...

So I want to point out two important points

1- ADHD is caused by a biochemical imbalance: we lack two neurotransmitters, noradrenaline and dopamine. The first one is responsible for concentration and alertness, as well as memory, creative and cognitive processes, if you lack those (especially in your frontal cortex) you can't focus on one thing only and have a poor working memory (the capacity to keep and manipulate info during tasks for example). Dopamine is for pleasure and motivation, if you lack these, you can't keep motivated, specially in boring tasks and you seek for constant stimulation. And all that in the frontal cortex, the CEO of the Brain Enterprises.

2- There is a lot more to ADHD than just not paying attention, being restless and impulsive, because it's more about executive function issues than anything else. I'll list a few signs so you can understand better. Remember that every mental health problem are different for everyone, my advice is to know what describes you better:

Bad object permanence: What is out of sight is often out of mind, explained by bad working memory. That's why we forget important stuff.

Hyperfocus: It's only been talked about more recently, we sometimes spend hours doing something that gives us dopamine so we forget to eat, drink water and other basic human necessities (right now I'm very hyperfocused, just left a pratical test, have online class rn, have to study for lots of stuff and haven't shower or had eaten all day, but this text needs to be perfect because It gives me dopamine haha).

Emotional disregulation: When we feel things we FEEL things, like or I'm so happy and life is all unicorns and rainbows or I've never had a happy day in my life. (Also can we please talk about more about normal female hormonal stuff and ADHD in woman?? Please I need info on that)

Rejection sensitive dysphoria: This is bad honestly, lots of us are so scared of judgement that we may develop social anxiety and depression.

Sleep problems: insomnia or hypersomnia are common in ADHD

Sensory issues and there's a lot more

A fair amount of us learn trough life that we are basically born for failure, especially in today's society that demands focus, motivation AND COMPETITION to be successful. So lots of ADHDers may work even harder to get the same or worst results, leading to frustration, lots of us may give up and start believing what society says, leading to low self esteem. For me it was better to blame myself than my disorder, so I didn't work, I would get bad results either way, that's why today, even working very hard and achieving great things, I can never feel proud of it, and it hurts.

In conclusion, if you think you may have ADHD, do research, get a diagnosis, get to know your symptoms, know what works for you (work smarter not harder). There's a lot of tips on reddit, it's worth it to search there and try things out to see if it's right for you. With the right method and with self knowledge everyone's ADHD can be controlled, and for that to happen you HAVE to prioritize your mental health, you're allowed to feel.

And please DO NOT believe in any misinformation, or lack o information about you, having a disorder doesn't make us lazy, a bad person, a failure or any other bad character trait given.

"You are not born for failure, you just can't expect a fish to climb a tree" - it's a metaphor on how neurodivergents can't be expected to fit in the neurothypical norms. Just so you know "a fish can swim like nobody else can" - Michael Phelps is a great example of that, figuratively and literally (I wanted to do that joke so bad, I was waiting for that moment)

Phew I talk too much I'm so sorry, but honestly it was worth it, I felt comfortable to do so, hopefully not too comfortable haha (´-﹏-`；)

omg my kaomoji baby!!! first of all, oh my gaf i miss you so much :<<< i miss reading your very lively asks and i'm so glad to get one now hihi. second, you don't have to worry so much bby. i know how hectic uni can get so take your time. my asks is always open for your reactions if you finally have time to read it (but you also don't have to send one if you don't feel like it, its totally fine!!). third, don't ever say sorry for getting "too excited". i'm even more thankful, and genuinely enjoyed reading every bit of information you added!!

honestly this feels like a dsm5 review for me (and the funny thing was that i was reviewing neurodevelopmental disorders right before i came to tumblr today!!), so i'm really happy that you sent this one. and it's even more interesting to read these information from your point of view. it's like reading facts and all your personal inputs help me understand the disorder better. so really, thank you for sharing this!!! im so happy TT

i also love the quote you left. it just ties the explanation a lot more. so again thank youuuuu@!!!!

to those who are curious of the ADHD post (if there's any), it's this!! it's a reminder that even when you have mental disorders or not, it's important to educate ourselves so we know how to be respectful and kind in any way we can.

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

i am very much enjoying my vague void! it's currently blasting hozier at full volume and that's almost louder than my internal screaming (don't worry, everything is fine, i just saw a spider)

i've never once in my life have followed a recipe correctly. all of my measurements are completely random and whatever happens happens. it is no longer in my hands. whatever eldritch entities exist take the wheel. and i absolutely refuse to spell anything in english without autocorrect because y'all have way too many double letters and random vowel placement

thank you! sadly, i won't have a break right now, because we just had christmas vacations, but the start of the new semester is always pretty chill. and you're absolutely right, i should take up necromancy! the snow and the cold will add to my mysterious vibes. i just need to get a big black cape with a hood to complete the aesthetic

i definitely picture everything above 5'6 feet as the same height. 5'7 and 6'2? the exact same thing. no difference here

how is morepork a real bird name. it's just... more pork? but the bird is magnificent. i completely approve of your first order as bird queen, not that you need approval from mere peasants like me, but it's a great order. ohhh salps look really cool, and it does look a lot like it! when you said boob implant i thought of mermaids and them using salps as boob implants but then i realised wait wouldn't jellyfish be better for that? because of their shape? ignoring their little leggies they're quite boob shaped, no? and then i realised that i was thinking about mermaids and alive boob implants... if i had to think it, you have to read it. i'm sorry

i was sold before but now i'm even more sure that i want to hire you. and I'll make sure to have lactose free cheese for the backflips (unless you want the lactose version? i'm not judging). will the biting of ankles cost extra?

that sounds like a brilliant set-up for a horror movie where they kill off all the children one by one. it's absolutely horrifying. if something like that would've happened to me i would've most likely just passed out. whatever happens afterwards is not my problem. and now i really don't want to know what the hell your leg was caught on because that seems like knowledge that would get me killed

ah so you're a fellow dirt eater? according to my mom my favourite thing to do outside when i was a little kid used to be eating sand. just shovelling handfuls of it into my mouth and crying when my mom made me spit it out. which i refuse to believe. if there are no photos it didn't happen

you warm climate people are starting to make me think that i'm better adjusted to the cold than i thought i am! it's either that or our buildings are better heated. i definitely don't know if anyone else calls hot water bottled hotties but i like it so from now on i'm using it

that's so cute! i was clearly a way more selfish child because when i found any amount of money i just kept it and bought candy as soon as i could. i clearly couldn't save money then and i can't now. we have stores like that (or i'm assuming that they're like that solely based on how they sell lollies) and they used to be my favourite thing because you could get so many lollies for such a small price!! and my mom even used to let me order for myself sometimes so i always felt like a very big girl jsjshsbsjk

also the fact that i can't send pictures on anon is a crime (yes i know why and it's good that that's not possible because can you imagine anons being able to send pictures? oh no is all i have to say about it) but anyways. because i have this one super cursed photo that reminded me of you and now i can't share it :((

duuuuude, sick void bro. sounds like a vibing void. I feel like I haven’t seen a spider in awhile. Other than daddy long legs. But they’re chill. They mind their own business. 

I nearly always follow recipes exactly. My mum is like oh cook this for about 7 minutes? Yeah sure. I’ll take a wild guess. I’m like they say exactly 7 minutes so I’ll set a timer for 7 minutes and start a stopwatch so if it does seem to need more than 7 I can keep an eye on the extra time and be aware of exactly how long it takes me for next time. Other people are like oh let's see I have [lists 5-10 things in their fridge], hmm...oh I know what I could make with that! I’m like I have beans in my freezer because one recipe required them and no other recipes I know how to make do so what am I supposed to do with these now,,, this is stressful,,, basically I barely know how to cook and recipes are the only things saving me in that area. That is entirely fair. Except for the fuck duck, and murder is not the word you want surely, situations, it’s pretty helpful.

Ohhh I see. At least the start is chill! For a little! Before your entire situation spirals out of hand and you’re behind in every class and it’s taken you a whole day to read 10 pages and you’re exhausted and it’s only week 2. Just me? ok. fair. anyway. I want a cloak so bad. One of my uni friends tempted me to class because she said she was wearing a cloak so my depressed ass honest to god dragged myself out of bed and to said class just to see it. It was worth it. They’re incredible. Everyone should own a big cloak for the aesthetic.

I’m glad it isn’t just me hahaha. I can visualise my own height in feet but everything else is just the same size that is a vague amount taller than me, mentally.

It’s also known as the ruru. But the name morepork amuses me. It’s named after the call it makes haha. It does sound like it’s asking for more pork if you know to listen for that. thank u for ur approval, it means a lot, turns out becoming bird queen didn’t ACTUALLY get rid of my anxiety disorder weirdly enough so validation is great! lmaooo. What if the jellyfish stung them tho? At least salps wouldn’t do you dirty like that. The mermaids would just look like there are hundreds of bugs crawling around in their boobs, flesh shifting as they float around. Which is a vibe. If you’re into that. Jellyfish WOULD make a more solid, single, implant, some of them are definitely boob shaped. But that’s kinda boring no one’s gonna be traumatised by that. Salps on the other hand...yeah, that sight will DEFINITELY traumatise someone.

To be PERFECTLY honest I haven’t done a backflip in years but for lactose-free cheese? Dude. I’ll be going back to training. Gonna be the best backflip you’ve ever seen. As long as it’s not Tasty cheese I am content, but lactose free IS better. The biting of ankles will not cost extra, it is a pleasure to be allowed to do that.

Oh it absolutely would be. It’d be very funny if it reached the wider world bc people would probably be like ok but who would send kids into the bush like that,, it’s an odd concept. meanwhile everyone who grew up in nz is gonna be like y’all, you’re not gonna fuckin BELIEVE what i experienced growing up, it’s real dude. On one hand, I feel like murdering kids in a movie is questionable, on the other hand, It exists, so maybe people would be down for it. I feel like it’d be a good concept even if it wasn’t murdery tho. Like psychological horror? I’m not sure if I’m using that category correctly I don’t watch much horror. A kid following the rope but then being shifted into a different horror dimension but they never take the blindfold off because their teachers said not to and they’d probably have to let go of the rope to do it...I feel like this could work super well as a short film. The viewers see everything. The child just knows something is off and no one is coming when they call for help. I am so down for this. I also do not want to know what my leg was caught on. Some things I am better off not knowing.

yes! I am a fellow dirt eater! We had a sandpit at home (that’s a little bold. It was a large plastic shell that my parents filled with sand. technically a sandpit. but not fancy sdflsdkfsdf) but I don’t think I ever tried to eat it. Then again, I possibly did and just don’t remember because there’s no photo evidence of that one. I’d have to ask my parents sdfhsjdfs, I would however fully believe them if they said yes. it’s very characteristic of me. I don’t doubt it for a second. muuuum that’s my emotional support sand don’t make me spit it out smh the disrespect these days.

Oh I’m absolutely terrible even by most people’s standards around here when it comes to cold and hot temperatures. I remember sitting in the sun in my school shirt and school jersey in summer on a blazing day like it’s a bit chilly, isn’t it? Meanwhile my friends were in the shade absolutely dying from the heat. Likewise in winter I’d be shivering, teeth chattering, dying with my long sleeve thermal, my school shirt, my school jersey, my school jacket, my longs, warm socks and sneakers and gloves and school scarf while ppl would be walking around in a shirt and shorts like it’s a bit warm this winter huh? my body didn’t learn how to thermoregulate and it shows. But yeah NZ does also have a reputation for shittily insulated buildings and such. It shows. skhdfsfs if it’s not common use maybe don’t say can i have a hotty to someone without context but otherwise go ahead lmao. it’s a fun shortened version.

I was typically a very good saver, to the point where my extended family started gifting me gift cards and vouchers for Christmas and my birthday because if they just gave me money I’d put it in my bank account to save towards uni once I hit like, 12 years old. Which I think was a smart move. But apparently, I’m supposed to buy myself ‘something nice’ with it. I think I’m still an okay saver but I’m not as strict anymore. I’m aware of how much I can spare and I’m not just like you can never get anything for yourself ever, so I do get lil things for myself sometimes. oooo yay! At least you know what I mean. But yes. They were the gold mine for lollies. Absolutely terrific stores. My mum would be like hey lindsey how about you order? And I’d be like mother, I am 7 years old and I have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder everyone assumes is child shyness why would you think I would want to do that. Instead I will whisper my choices to you. After therapy tho I felt pretty rad for picking my own lollies by myself. I was like 13 at that point but sdfkjhsdf listen I got there in the end.

sdfkjsdfkjhsdf I like that a cursed photo reminded you of me. That’s all I need to hear. Tumblr said no anon dick pics but they also said no anon cursed photos either,,, very sad. for the latter part. the first part thank god. If I could turn on photos on anon I absolutely would just to see this but I don’t think I can :(

[6ad6ro]

so i got lucky and was able to get the new zelda game n watch the day it came out? and it's KINDA AMAZING. like the mario bros one is still cute n i love it, but this zelda one feels like honestly two or three times better (or more).

it just has so many more lil games and features. mario was great but it just lacked the content and variety that this one has (mario 1 and lost levels are pretty much the same game). and there's div VERSIONS of the games too like we get the disc system versions (with fds music n sounds intact) of zelda 1 and 2!!!

this is like a DREAM for people with ADD or anxiety or autism etc? just ppl that need to do stuff w their hands? bc u have zelda 2 which is like twitch action platformer overload (and really hard). then u have link's awakening, which is a good combo of action and zelda but has good story and polish and is mostly pretty easy. and then of course zelda 1 is a bit slower, but harder than la? while bein simpler. it's a good amount of variety for dif "needs" if that makes sense.

but on top of that you have "vermin" which is even more low effort gaming than "ball" (in the mario g&w). and you ALSO have the "how many enemies can you kill in a set number of minutes" game built into the stopwatch. it's actually really fun AND bc the timer is built in, it can really help you pass small amounts of time without getting too distracted. like... did whoever make this have neurodivergent ppl in mind? because it just fits those needs too well.

oh and the clock itself is wayyyy more interactive than the mario one. way more detailed. they let you actually properly control link if you want, but if you stop hitting buttons for a few seconds, the ai takes back over. it's SO LOW EFFORT but still fun to just... goof off with as you're doing other stuff? it's just more fun to look at too because more is happening. the design is cuter and more elaborate. having the time become like water etc that link has to navigate around is brilliant! it's just... perfect. i thought the mario clock was better than it had any business being (it's still super cute), but this one honestly wipes the floor with it.

oh, and the device itself is kinda gorgeous. it's SUPER well made. seems very durable. the backlight actually has a mint green tint so it makes links awakening totally pop! and there's even a subtle lightup triforce in the back like IT'S SO FUCKIN CUTE. like the ppl making it put LOVE into this thing. which is a surprise considering how nintendo has been lately. like they literally took the already pretty rad mario g&w and watch and kinda perfected it. considering how much i loved the orig famicom aesthetics that the mario one had, i sorta can't believe they somehow made this one LOOK even better!

if i had any small criticisms, it'd be that the stand deserved better than to be just made of cardboard. it's actually really awesome, and they coulda just used thin plastic instead maybe? tho the mario one didn't even HAVE a stand so it's still a big improvement. oh and the charging cord is laughably small, tho again that's understandable. i woulda rather they made the stand plastic and i had to buy my own cord 😆. and they put in all these dif versions of the roms (dif languages etc), but they didn't include the dx version of la at ALL. which, between the two, i def think the orig was the better choice? but it feels a bit weird not including dx at all.

oh and (i'm being silly here but) i think this woulda been BEYOND perfect if they somehow jammed link to the past on here as well. YES trying to add the shoulder buttons onto a game n watch would be... complicated? they'd need more power too. but if they pulled it off, it'd have been like one of the best lil game toys that's ever existed.

but i can't rly complain, because it's honestly almost perfect as is. i've already beaten zelda 1 just bc it's SO fun to play on this thing! it's super light and easy to carry in your pocket. and the battery life is pretty fantastic, esp when you incorporate all the quick "sleep" features and how it automatically saves the state when you switch between functions or turn it off (seems even if you power down possibly?). there's a buncha easter eggs and features i've still yet to find (i wanna figure em out myself so nobody tell me plz lol!) and i already know there's "cheats" to make the games easier? it's just... amazing as a fidget toy. amazing as a lil game system. amazing as a vintage game showcase. and amazing as a display piece. kinda perfect in both form and function. i'm just... weirdly floored with this lil device.

if they make more of these with the quality of the zelda one, it's an insta-buy for me. tho it's hard to imagine what series they would tackle next. metroid would be AMAZING, but they'd NEED to include super metroid or fusion etc? so it'd require a design overhaul and more power. maybe unlikey, but def possible! while the mario one mighta felt a lil too expensive, this one feels PERFECT like YES it's worth $50. i know a lot of people prob think that's crazy? but this is like... a beautiful hardcover art book.

artificial scarcity aside... nintendo has REALLY been hitting it outta the park with some of these retro-themed devices. the quality of the game and watches, and also the minisystems they made a couple years back, is CRAZY good! like this is one of the BENEFITS to them still acting like a toy company. they really know their shit! i just wish the quality of their games and system hardware could be as good as these lil standalone things. bc these are fuckin great!

more like this please!

[cocteautwinslyrics]

so imagine you want to get from here

to here

you may think. Wow! there's a line connecting them! the U2. (terminating Gleisdreieck while I was there but anyway). But maybe that's a bit slow to you (12 stops) so you decide oh, maybe I should take the big band of lines in the middle (the Stadtbahn) and change at Zoologischer Garten to go 1 stop on the U2, because it's only 7 stops. Well here's what I did. See those thin red lines? those are Regional Expresses and they're double decker. it was my last day in the city and I hadn't been on one yet so I decided to chance it and go on one.

So I do this. you may notice the same RE line continues to Zoologischer Garten but because of the time of the day there were none direct. So now I'm at Hauptbanhof, a fucking behemoth of a station, going 'wtf do I do now.' you may think I would change to a Stadtbahn train. that would be intelligent to do, given the 2 platforms' proximity to each other. This would be quick and efficient and I could get back to my group for a 2pm deadline easily. However. I'm never one for simple transit journeys. Instead I descend 40 metres from well above to well below ground and walk a not insignificant distance to the U5 platforms. What the fuck am I going to do there? you ask. well. Here's where the route gets unnecessarily fucked up.

I take the former U55 route to Brandenburger Tor. Then the S1 a single stop to Potsdamer Platz. At Potsdamer Platz I have to leave the station and go into the U2 entrance and then only ride it 2 stops where I have to deceivingly change trains and platform at Gleisdreieck to continue because the fucking U12 is running for engineering works between Gleisdreieck and Bülowstraße. FINALLY I am on my train to Wittenbergplatz. at this point it is 1.40 pm and I am thoroughly shitting myself and wondering how I can explain this to my teacher who has not seen any of us late at all so far. I am on fucking emergancy DMs with my friend who's already in Alexanderplatz watching a mad protest fight between Islamophobes and antisemites. Oh yeah BTW none of us were supposed to be in groups of under 3 and I was all alone. If my teachers found out what I'd done they'd kill me.

Anyway I finally got to Wittenbergplatz. it was 1.45 pm. My excuse was formulated (I was being held by security in a nearby mall because they thought I'd stolen something) and I had done what I was there to do (take selfie with the tube roundel they have there). Now i decide to go the logical quicker way back via the Stadtbahn. I miss the train I need to go the 1 stop to Zoologischer Garten on purpose because panic brain said it went to a different terminus. Thankfully I only have to wait another 3 minutes to around 1.49 for the next U12 to Ruhleben (the right branch).

At Zoologischer Garten I have to Run so fast across the busy square to get from the U to the S bahn platforms. I get on an S7 train at 1.53 and my life starts flashing before my eyes. every minute feels a whole year long. I get more pressed at every moment we wait at a station. I have my eyes laser focused on my Google maps watching my dot move. My alibi has extended to using the toilet to explain my coming from the station. It's 2.05 pm. At last I am off my train. I am running like a rabbit with the latent anxiety of one. Finally I'm united with my group and. My teachers believed my excuse. One tells me about how they were about to go the mall and give security a piece of their mind were I to have been another 3 minutes and I shudder so hard thinking about getting caught out in that lie and crashing out of their good graces as a good student committed to languages.

OH YEAH because Berlin uses proof of payment you can theoretically get caught faredodging and forced to pay €60, money I didn't have, so I dodged a major bullet there. having done it all for free

giggling so hard remembering the insanely fucked up route I took to a stationin berlin

[almaasi]

you have witch powers? i've always been fascinated with "paranormal" stuff, including magic, so i was wondering if u could tell me stuff about it. is magic real? what kind of stuff did ur grandma do? are ghosts and spirits real too? what kinds of spells can witches cast? is it like supernatural? sorry if i'm asking a lot of questions i'm just so fascinated and curious. i didn't even know witches were like, legit until i read ur tags, i just thought that people back then said that so they had 1/2

2/2 a reason to burn a woman they didn’t like. ok now i’m rambling but in short, what can u tell me about witch stuff? i’m just asking cause i’m really curious :)

(about my tags on this)

#whenever phil gets out the tarot cards and pulls something scarily accurate i’m just like…. yes…. good…show us your witch powers…… #(my own experience with tarot? so reassuring. and calming. it’s like asking for a friend’s advice but that friend is your own brain.) #also my great grandmother was a witch by profession and i definitely got some of her magic #i have not yet learned to recognise a feeling when i feel it.. but when stuff happens later i’m like OH THAT WAS MY MYSTERIOUS FEELING #one of our sheep died a week or so ago.. and for two days straight i was outside in the middle of the night staring at the moon #and wondering why i felt death in the air #and the rain made me cry and it felt like release but i didn’t know why #and i immediately started worrying about our sheep but didn’t follow up to see if they were okay #then two days later my mother comes in and tells me one of our sheep died and two days ago had given my mother “the death look” #if you’ve never seen someone or something die… there’s this look they have that’s like a disgraced peacefulness and self-awareness #but basically i knew the sheep was gonna die without any reason for me to think that #and i need to learn to follow up on my instincts because they’re ever-present and i never know when it’s a psychic thing or random anxiety #disclaimer: IS IT ALL BULLSHIT who knows? but science doesn’t know a whole lot about a lot of things and this stuff is natural to me #so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

okay!! i was expecting someone to ask, so here goes. (in case anyone’s wondering, this is a personal post, and no, i’m not making this stuff up.) (feel free to reblog if you want. but it’s so goddamn long aaah)

first off, an opinion: whether or not you believe magic is real in this world is entirely related to whether or not it is real. at least in my books. magic/paramormal stuff can always be observed, but if you don’t believe it’s anything beyond coincidence or skilled trickery, it’s not gonna impact you.

i do believe in ghosts (or djinns, or something else human-like), but in my experience they don’t really do anything except exist in some other realm and occasionally become visible when i’m at my most lucid, at that point between waking and sleeping. most people (myself included) would say it’s just a hallucination. but like…. who’s to say it isn’t real, just in a way we as humans don’t yet understand? y’know?

the most interesting ghost sighting i’ve experienced was when i was fully awake, not hallucinating. i was in a car with my sister, my sister’s friend, and her mother - and we drove over a bridge, and i saw a fritzing semi-translucent black figure walking along the peak. i looked back and it was gone. it wasn’t scary, it was just really cool. i saw that with my own two eyes, i have zero doubt i saw it, and for that moment, it was there.

other times i’ve seen things pass through walls, or felt presences in the room that vanish when i look. i get deja vu maybe once a week. the ability comes and goes in phases, switched on and off whenever i tell someone about it. it’s like that part of my brain gets really shy and goes into hiding when it’s mentioned.

sometimes it can be pretty powerful. there’ve been moments when a deja vu begins, i remember it from a dream, fast-forward through the memory to remember what happens, and i get ahead of present time, so i predict what’s in front of me by about one to three seconds. usually it’s snippets of conversation, or my hands moving to complete an action, or words i’m typing. (let me tell you, it’s so freaking bizarre when you’re consciously typing, thinking about what you’re typing, and simultaneously remembering typing it before, and knowing what you’re about to type despite not yet knowing. and then seeing it happen. i think a lot of people reading this would be like “what?” but i know there’s someone out there who knows exactly what i mean)

for a long time in my teenage years i told people i’d see coloured figures, like auras without physical people, just hanging around out there in the world, but due to health issues a lot of my teenage memories are gone, and the only memory i have of that stuff is the recollection of me telling people about it, and remembering it while telling people. it’s really weird. i sometimes think maybe i made that up?? but i don’t understand why i’d do that when i do actually see other things sometimes.

once, my family visited this old historic building, and i remember seeing a woman in a maid’s outfit duck through a doorway. but she wasn’t actually there. so. idk.

my great-grandmother (or great-great grandmother?) on my mother’s side used to sell love spells to the people in her Indian village. my mother told me about it when i was little. my [great] great grandmother would write a spell on parchment, and the client had to go home and burn it in their fire. and she would curse people, in exchange for payment. that’s all i know about that. but my grandmother (also on my mother’s side) used to have some kind of power, i never got to ask about it while she was still alive. (she was an awesome woman. one of the first women in her country and generation to go to university.)

personally, having been raised as a muslim, i always felt really disconnected from the culture and practices of the religion, even though i believe in the supernatural aspects of it right down to my core. that’s despite my ultimate acknowledgement of facts being deeply rooted in hard science. recently (like, in the past few months) i’ve started to rediscover my faith - directly following on from a quiet interest in the pinterest & instagram aesthetics of paganism and new age magic, which as a concept i was never really sure about. i just really liked how it looked. basically, it clicked in my brain that islamic prayers could, in essence, just be spells. you gotta take everything with a grain of salt. they might not work. but that’s the beauty of it.

a few weeks ago i stumbled across a prayer on tumblr, and read its intended purpose: “Allah will grant whoever recites this seven times in the morning or evening whatever he desires from this world or the next”.

and… i started to think, maybe the purpose is not to actually do that. nothing ought to be a get-out-of-jail-free/do-this-and-your-life-is-made type thing. maybe the purpose is to make you believe nothing can go wrong. and that every bad thing that happens–? it happens so that you can learn from it. and eventually, after many things change, you realise what you desire was not the thing you thought you desired. (idk how to explain that. an example from my life: i really wanted to be a veterinarian growing up. then i got sick, dropped out of school. and now i’m a writer. i want to be a writer more than i ever wanted to be a vet. i had to get sick and my life had to fall apart before i could discover that. writing was never something i’d have considered before.)

my point is, if you believe everything that happens to you will ultimately be a good thing, bad things don’t hurt so much.

and if you take something as a sign, it’s a sign. it’s just your own brain taking hints from the world around you and using them to conjure up a decision. if you wanna believe it’s magic, it is.

personally i like protection prayers/spells and just…generally positive ones. i say prayers for sick friends, people who i see on my tumblr dash who are having a bad time, and if i see or hear about disasters or worldwide events. i’m not expecting it to have a visible impact, but like.. what’s the harm? at the very least it makes me feel like i did something if i don’t have money to give, or i can’t be there with a friend, or the world is falling apart and i’m helpless. praying or saying a spell is just hoping, really, really hard. if some greater being is out there, listening? cool. (but what if god doesn’t wanna do anything? maybe it’s like my cupcake theory. god puts the ingredients in a baking tray, shoves it in the oven, forgets about it. the universe rises as a cupcake. god made it. but the universe is doing its own damn thing.)

regarding tarot cards: again, it’s self-reflection. you can believe answers come from outside influences, but it’s easily just as much about interpreting generic advice and making it mean something to you. but personally i’ve drawn random cards, and known that no other card in the deck would’ve been as relevant at that moment. i’ve used tarot cards to determine the endings for my stories, and coincidentally pulled cards that directly represent my title characters.

one time i was thinking about my fic “The Moonlighter and the Magician” and the card i pulled first was The Magician. and i was like gee thanks tarot cards that’s helpful. (but actually? it meant those cards were on the same wavelength as me. think about it. 78 cards, there’s a one in 78 chance i pull that one on my first try.)

apart from my wonky first-ever tarot readings with the Rider-Waite travel-size tarot deck (which belonged to my mother), i’ve never pulled anything that didn’t eventually make sense. i use The Wild Unknown cards now, i relate to them so much more. plus they’re mine, not borrowed or abandoned for years, which probably helps. (buying those cards was the most money i ever spent on anything. i don’t regret it.)

is any of this like the show ‘supernatural’? not really. the closest i can say my experiences have come to the show would be the episode “faith”. just, the whole episode. it doesn’t matter if it’s the real deal, so long as it works. and boy, does it work for me. and a lot of other people.

like i said, all the spirit-like entities i’ve encountered have been perfectly benign. no monsters, except things i’m pretty sure are nightmares.

but on that note, i take a lot of things to help me sleep. if i didn’t, i’d be waking up screaming night and day (i hit whistle register while screaming, once). i see faces in the dark and creatures in my bedroom, even when my eyes are closed and i’m awake. i sleep with a light on, and i prefer to sleep in the day. i cannot even deal with the presences in my room.

for that matter, my room is definitely the most presence-heavy room in the house. now, although it’s obviously just in a drafty area, i feel the cold spots. all. the. time. i’m feeling one right now as i type this. the door and window are both closed. the heater is always on. the draft comes from the same corner of the ceiling my cat stares at when she’s “staring into space”. there’s definitely something there, but it legit doesn’t bother me. it watches me get dressed sometimes, but it’s not weird about it. like i said, benign.

i feel energy everywhere i go. i can’t stay in my family’s open plan living room comfortably for more than a few minutes, because that room is filled with people and pets coming and going all freaking day, and even when it’s empty, it’s so LOUD. there’s vibrations and voices coming out of the walls, because the house absorbs it all. as a generally tired person, that room exhausts me. i can only stay there if i have social energy. (yes, even an empty room.)

i am so, so sensitive to people’s moods and the energy they let out (to the point where i burst out screaming if i see a negative microexpression during a personal conversation). i find phone calls very difficult, not just because of social anxiety, but because i can’t sense energy as easily as i want to, and is natural for me. skype calls aren’t the same as being there in person. a lot of this could also be autism-related, but nearly everything about me is autism-related, because i’m autistic. go figure.

one time, the day i had my first period, i passed out in a maths exam. all the other times in my life, i’ve seen black or maybe red when i passed out, but this time it was a striking cobalt blue. and i heard SO MANY VOICES, i thought the whole classroom was full of people shouting. my P.E. teacher was observing that exam, she carried me out of the room and lay me on the floor outside. i told her about the voices, she looked at me in confusion and said “there were no voices?? the whole room was silent for the exam.” obviously that was a weird day, but given the amount of times i’ve lost conciousness in my life, before and after that day, i know the warm muggy feeling of slipping away, and i guarantee that one was just a little bit not-normal.

my cat Wilson follows me everywhere. if you’ve ever seen a picture of a witch and her familiar, that’s me and Wilson. she leaves the house if i leave, and she’ll walk down the road beside me to make sure i stay safe. she only lets me leave completely if i go in a car, but even then, she tries to come too. i know what she says when she talks. she speaks in words for me. it translates naturally in my head without a thinking process.

there was this one time when i was about 15 my parents took me to an after-hours medical centre because apparently i was ~speaking in tongues~ or whatever. i don’t remember it, i remember ‘waking up’ with a doctor’s flashlight in my eyes, crying, then holding my sister’s hand as we looked at the fish in the fishtank afterwards. i can’t say how legit that is because i just.. don’t remember it.

one time as a kid, i am absolutely sure i was possessed for about 30 seconds. i was walking down the street on a balmy English afternoon, pine needles scattered underfoot, with my elderly grandmother (paternal), my grandfather, and my sister. i must’ve been 6 or 7? and a streak of evil just bolted through me. and i stuck out my foot and my grandmother fell flat on her face. my grandfather tried to help her up, a car driving by pulled up and asked if they needed help, grandfather said no, and got her back to her feet. i can’t remember if i felt remorse. i think i just knew instinctively that it wasn’t me who did it. but like.. i wasn’t just A Nice Kid, okay, i was The Nicest Kid. i just don’t do things like that. ever. especially not to a kind and generous grandmother who i love so very dearly. i never had before, and i never have since. that’s the single most evil thing i’ve ever done in my life and it came out of nowhere. being more aware now, i think it was a djinn (aka a demon in christian beliefs, i think). they’re known for being mischievous. (my grandmother was fine, by the way. this is the first time i’ve told anyone about this.) now i think about it, i remember cobalt blue behind my eyes then, too.

whoops, this is a really long post now. but uh… basically, i’ve just always been open to feeling these things, and believing in what i sense for myself, without subscribing to whether or not the science has been done yet. in fact, i think i’m open to it because i experienced the same stuff when i was young. the energy i feel is very much real to me, completely tangible. i’ve never been able to see auras, but i feel them on some people. i think just being open to feeling something makes it more likely to come to you. i try not to ignore my instincts (because they’re always right. always.) but i find it’s super hard to distinguish between anxiety (which i feel often) and magical ability (which is far less commonly felt). also sometimes the instinct is so faint it doesn’t even become a passing thought, just a blur of something i half-considered. but in hindsight i realise what it ought to have been, had i paid proper attention.

i can comfortably manage to go outside in bare feet, shut my eyes and let the moonlight do its thing. it has an immensely powerful energy, i always feel cleaner inside when i go back in. (my cat Wilson sometimes asks me to go outside with her when there’s a full moon. almost every night, especially on warm nights, but even freezing ones, we can just stand out there for an hour together. watching the moon set is transcendent. far more so than a sunset.)

right now, due to years of bad health, i have to force some natural abilities away (like the nightmares) because they’re too much for me to handle. i think as i recover, over time it’ll be easier for me to accept that stuff back into my life.

oh, one more thing, regarding my health - i have celiac disease, which has kept me essentially bedridden for the last 7+ years - WHICH BY THE WAY, my family spent literally 9 years trying to diagnose. my doctor kept doing an anaemia test, telling me there was nothing wrong with me and sending me back to school. i saw various specialists, herbalists, a naturopath, physiotherapists, cardiologists, had an MRI scan, saw family counsellors, school counsellors, a hypnotist, etc etc - basically consulted every medical professional under the sun when a simple blood test would’ve done it. stupid misogynistic doctor who thinks all teenage girls fake it to get out of school.

but one thing we did do was visit a psychic, who told me i had something called a candida. my dad, a sceptic and nonbeliever, googled it and said it was “some kind of magical thing in the gut”, and was therefore bullshit, so we continued the search for a diagnosis. years later - years - after a change of doctor (who i chose because i got a good vibe from her picture) we find out it’s celiac disease, a disease of the gut. of the hundreds of people we saw, the only ones to even pinpoint the right body part were the psychics. i googled candida just now and guess what? literally celiac disease. this woman diagnosed me with celiac disease by kneeling at my feet, holding my hand, and shutting her eyes for 30 seconds.

for the record, slightly off topic, i know very few men in real life, and this is what the men in my life have been. my doctor, dismissing me as a liar because i was a teenage girl. and my father, dismissing my declining health as “not trying hard enough”, even now, more than a year after i was diagnosed by a doctor. i think this is why i take refuge with male fictional characters. they’re better. i want them to be soft and understanding like the men i’ve never known.

anyway, this is the part of my life’s story i never really pieced together until right now. it’s a lot, more than i expected. i happily call myself a witch. most of my magic goes into my stories, and i think a lot of people who read them feel it, even if they translate it as passion or love or good vibes or something. the amazing comments i get would speak to that. i love the energy i get from comments, because it does come through in typed words, even if it’s much fainter than seeing people face-to-face. some comments just hit me with waves of goodness, even if the words themselves aren’t so powerful. so i really appreciate that stuff. it’s good stuff.

yep. that’s all. i hope this satisfies your curiosity, anon!!!