#if any premeds want to know what program i am at pm me

[psychokangaroo]

I find it very interesting that one of the medical education bigwigs I've been working with this year disappears once shit hits the fan and lets another more senior person be the bad guy to confront me. Especially since she was part of the reason why my entire schedule got messed up in the first place and why I had a small breakdown last June.

Granted, it doesn't help that the person being a bad guy is not super friendly to start with.

And yes a big part of why I'm dealing with some stuff right now is a result of my own actions and my own trust issues with authority fogures and my crippling anxiety with asking for help. and I fully take responsibility for what happened and work with my therapist to help sooth out the kinks.

But I do find the bigwigs politicking to be kind of underhanded and a dick move to use the more senior assistant dean as a metaphorical gun to get me to do stuff. She was supposed to work with me on this. Yet we had one meeting before I got tossed to the higher up. And she really didn't do all that much besides telling me I have a high chance of not matching and to do another specialty, and then tell me I'm at a slightly high chance of not matching again, a week before nrmp cert is due, despite me interviewing at multiple top programs in the country. This is the second time she almost uses a scare tactic on me because I may not match, sets my world on fire, and trigger a depressive episode.

I do believe that she and the rest of the deans want students to do well and to match, but my own eperi3nces and those I've heard about really makes it obvious that the schools priority is more so reputation than what is best foe the student, and so many of the "initiatives" are as much for the sake of doing something for the sake of looking good.

And the more senior dean that got used as a weapon of psychological intimidation? Ditto with the whole priority of protecting the schools reputation. But she's less sociable and less good at appearing empathetic. Less good at making people feel warm and fuzzy. Still kind of manipulative though. I'm glad I didn't go ask her for adhd accommodations. My wariness about her feels more justified.

Out of all the admin people I've dealt with, u still think my mstp director as the most sincere in terms of helping students.

Also last rant. I didn't meet any of the deans in my entire 7 years at my program until now. I literally used to walk by the more senior dean multiple times a day omw to school and omw home. She never recognized me. I am a bottom quartile student, but I've never failed a single test in the entire time I was there. I'm a lowkey student and not very extroverted, but I do solid work. The number of publications i put out during graduate school is probably in top 1-2% across the entire school. I've gotten endowed fellowships and given talks at multiple world class conferences. I don't need recognition, and i fully realize that a part of why I had those accomplishments is related to social networking related to my former PI and my parents (Also the reason I never made formal complaints about ferpa violations and whatnot despite it being a direct trigger for php). But I find it funny that when everything is sunny, the dean doesn't even recognize me even when I walk past her a dozen times a week for 6 years. But when shit hits the fan it is all "look we don't know each other, but how did you get into this situation?" "Oh. You were in treatment? Maybe you should just go back to treatment. If you are this overwhelmed right now, I don't know if you can handle residency. This transition is rough!" (Becaise God forbid high functioning ND ppl with multiple psych dx go to medical school. Also you don't know me. You don't know why this happened. You don't known how I specifically will handle residency. My therapist and psych both think I'm fine so forgive me if I ignore you). "Look I know it can be embarrassing when something like [situation] happens" (actually no I'm not embarrassed. I straight up don't trust you to a) not judge me and b) have my best interests at heart. And I think I'm pretty justified). People have said similar things about our medical education office, but it definitely feels super legit in light of recent events

[performanceteams]

5 pm and its already real emo hours?

ya girl kat is back at it again

*deep sigh*

yep, it seems like i have existential crisisies every damn time before i have a huge assessment (which is all the damn time in this hell forsaken ib program)

i just i dont know like always i feel kinda empty, in fact i’ve kinda felt like this for awhile, not just a sorta sadness but also a kind of tiring emptiness

even when i laugh or smile or im having fun, theres still this kind of underlying sadness or worry at the back of my mind

theres a lot of reasons i feel this way, and i dont think i can pinpoint it on one particular thing or event, but i guess to sum it up i feel like im sort of regressing. I used to have these big dreams of being some lawyer and going to a super legit ivy league, and being successful and happy.

but because of this fuckign program i realised i cant do that, i guess yeah its good the difficulty helped me realise that life is hard eariler than later, but a part of me quite frankly would have prepared 2 more years of blissful ignorance. so like last year i decided no i cant do that i cant take the stress im not smart enough that jist blah blah so i guess i kinda haphazardly decided ummm ill do psychology?? its something im interested in and my friends always go to me when theyre down and im pretty good at cheering them up and i did well on the psych course i took 

but the thing is im so unsure o fgoing into this when all my friends are doing ““successful”“ majors like comscip or engineering or premed. and im not even sure of the major i want to do....

i know my parents say therye okay with it but like the truth is i know they arent. like my dad looked so dissapointede in me when i told him i didnt apply to any buisness schools

what im also scrae dof is doing psych at uni and having the whole being assesed thing make me hate it. nothing kills passion than having it associated with dissapointment and stress

my parents sort of instilled this idea in me that if something isnt useful dont do it. which is causing me a lot of grief and stress rn with the recent intersts and hobbies i have. there around 3 but ill just talk about one right now

languages, since like grade 6 ive been fascinated baout languages, i wanted to learn more and wanted to be those cool polygots. i didnt get that far you konw preteen attention span, i learned the cyrillic alphabet and really basic german in the brief period of time tho

in like grade 11 i spent time (and still am) spending time relearning how to read and write chinese, that wasnt a struggle because well i am chinese and its a DAMN useful language

but then grade 12 (aka me last  2+ weeks) i stumbled upon the langblr community and i remembered the interest and spark i used to have about languages, and i saw so many people and so many RELALY GOOD RESORUCES and i was like wow.

so i was like ugh whatever i guess il download duolingo just to check out the features ill probably ditch it anyway

well two weeks and 100 lingots later... guess i didnt ditch it.... but then like theres this nagging voice in my head thats telling me to stop wasting my time learning french, russian, spanish (and german kinda but i haveent startred that yet) these languages arent going to be useful for my future i should sjust stop im wasitng my time

im wasting my time just like i always do, i waste my time doing meaningless things i wont even be able to speak or read these languages that well ill forget eventually so why am i wasitng my time now?

this voice is just so damn loud and i wish i could tell it to shut up

i wish i could truly enjoy something that makes me happy wtihout thinking im wasting my time and im a loser i really ohenstly dont feel that im good at anything or have any geniune long lasting passion i feel like ill ditch the whole langauges and the other two hobbies soon i just feel like ill continue my cycle of mediocirty

another part of me just wonders if im seeing tthe past through rose coloured glasses, so i went back to read some of my old journals and stuff  and i think with the exception of some periods of time

i was geniunely happier then than i am now

but i also had some unhealthy ideas about myself, interests, and i was kind of unhealthily obsessive over some things, granted i still have some problems with that. but i think the main difference is now i’m aware

and to be frank, being aware im not entirely sure if thats a GOOD thing, in fact it kinda makes my not so good feelings feel worse since im aware.

what is geniune happiness? what is the difference between a hobby or interest that brings true joy or just unhealthy escapism? i dont know well i think i know what the answer might be but its still blury and vague

well from this i think one thing im not that bad is im alright at expressing myself and my emotions, im almost too in tune with myself, but the problem is yes i may be aware yes i may be able to articulate myself. but i dont do anything to change

so my circumstances and my feelings and the general state im always in, i guess its just my fault

i hope to look at this months or a year or maybe even years from now and say i didnt have anything to worry about and that things became better

but then again, maybe in the future ill be saying “wow yo u had it easy, i wish i could go back things are much worse now”

honestly i have way more to say but this already seems to o long so maybe another time i have an exam tmrw anyway