ink-the-artist · 8 months ago
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forgive me if you've been asked this before or if its annoying, but how did you learn to use colored pencils like that? your art is so special to me.
ty :) I took an art class for a few years where our teacher had us buy prismacolor pencils as one of the art supplies and had us use them kinda like paints, pressing down hard right away and blending the colors together. its not how youre supposed to use them she was just trying to teach us to use color and ig this was more to the point. I picked them up again years after i stopped going to that class just bc they were there and i wanted to play around w them a bit and ended up actually enjoying it when doing it on my own terms lol
#it was a weird class#it was just this russian lady doing private lessons in her house that my mom learned about somehow#I did NOT like those classes all we did was still life and they were hours long which is esp rough when im in high school and busy#and she wanted us to stand while working the whole time bc tradition i guess?#she did allow me to work sitting but thought i was lazy for it. idk dude i dont want to exhaust myself fast for no reason#standing is a lot more tiring than walking#i def did still benefit from those classes just from learning to accurately draw from life#did not like the teacher tho#on one hand shed paid for the art supplies for kids whos families were too poor to (and these are nice expensive supplies)#which is very nice#but on the other she was very homophobic and open about it#like when they legalized gay marriage she went on a rant about how horrible it is that they can adopt kids now#and also kind of racist#she was telling me how she got blocked from a facebook group bc she made a post asking if she could speak to a white person#and she didnt realize she was posting that publicly she thought it was a private message to the group owner#im honestly still not sure i heard/understood her correctly bc it was so bizzare and the only time i ever remember her being racist#she talked abt it like she genuienly was unaware it was racist#she described it as a misunderstanding bc she accidentally posted it publicly instead of privately#like it wouldnt have been racist to ask that at all#also one time she talked about how she saw demons in her home once#also she doesnt vaccinate her kids bc of microchips#she was like a walking russian stereotype lol#anyway heres some ink the artist lore
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wiltkingart · 5 months ago
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HYMN: extra story
since my rewrite of HYMN is on extended pause, ive decided to extract one of the new scenes and share it here as an extra so that it can see the light of day one way or another. its a look into atom's past when he was much younger, during his final eval for becoming a unity keeper. 3.8k words, the usual violence ahead:
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On the morning of his final eval, the weather is just warm enough for Atom to wear one pair of gloves without running the risk of frostbite. The sun is a bright pinprick in a pale blue sky. Beside him, Lev's hands are tucked deep into his coat pockets. An icy wind cuts down the residential street and plays with the dark wisps of hair that refuse to be contained under his fur hat.
Lev hasn’t said a word since the two of them got off the metro and made their way here. Atom knows he’s nervous, he admitted so himself that morning over breakfast, but it’s still weird to see him this quiet. Out of the two of them, it’s Atom who often has little to say in any given situation. In the unusual silence, Atom tries and fails to come up with the right words to ease his worries. Pulling his scarf higher up his nose, Atom can't help but feel eager to get the mission started just so they can get this over with and Lev can stop looking like his stomach is eating him from the inside out.
Ten minutes later, Sergeant Milanova exits her armored Keeper vehicle and makes her way over to join them at the foot of a tall apartment building. Metal spikes on the soles of her snowboots noisily crunch across the frozen road until she comes to a stop in front of them.
"Your names?"
Lev stands up straight, raises his chin, and remembers to take his hands out of his pockets. Being older than Atom by 5 months, he goes first. "Lev Lukovich."
"Atom Belov."
Sergeant Milanova grunts in acknowledgement and flips through a thin folder in her hands. Snow goggles cover most of her face and her straight mouth betrays nothing of her opinion of them.
“As you already know, I am Sergeant Danilla Milanova and I will be overseeing your final evaluation today. The two of you will work together in a live field test mission where you must follow a standard takedown order and apprehend an active Target. This type of mission is the most common type of work you will be doing as active Keepers, besides regular patrolling. As active Keepers you will most commonly work in groups or pairs, unless you are promoted into a solitary position down the line. Today I will be testing your ability to work together to take down your Target in an efficient and timely manner.
“This is a live test, meaning your Target is actively wanted. This is not staged. If you fail, your actions will have severe consequences. I am here to observe, not intervene. The only reason I will step in is if I deem the mission a complete failure and have to take out the Target myself. If that happens, you will be sent back to training with the opportunity to retake this test in two years. Is that clear?”
“Yes Ma’am.” Lev and Atom answer in unison. Milanova digs through the pages in her folder until she finds what she’s looking for.
“The Target is Sergei Ivanov. Age 32, Electrician. He lives in this apartment—room number 716—along with his family. He has been found guilty of High Treason. Today is his day off and he is expected to be home all day. He is to be shown no mercy. His penalty is death.” The folder snaps shut in Milanova’s hand and she passes a look over them. “Any questions?”
Atom rests his hand on the sword strapped to his belt and looks up at the apartment building. He hopes it has a working elevator system. If not, at least a heated stairwell. But the smooth, dirty concrete walls don’t get his hopes up very high.
“Treason for what, if I may ask?”
At the sound of his voice, the world drifts to a stop, like the first gentle flakes of a snowstorm. Atom, surprised, looks at Lev. Did he really just ask that? Milanova’s straight mouth twitches and pulls down at the corners, confirming that yes—he really did.
“That is not your concern, Cadet.”
Lev swallows and looks down at his hands. Atom thinks he’s dropped it, and is about to apologize on his behalf, but Lev pushes on before Atom has a chance to open his mouth.
“I think it is my concern if he is my Target. High Treason is a serious offense and I would like to know what he did to deserve—”
“He’s guilty. That’s all you need to know.”
“But what did he do?”
Milanova takes two crunching steps forward to stand directly in front of Lev. She isn’t much taller, but that doesn’t stop her from looking down at him.
“Why does it matter to you, Cadet?”
“My—,” Lev bites his lip. Atom sees that his fists are shaking at his side. Briefly, Atom feels the urge to take them and warm them between his own hands. Maybe he should have brought an extra pair of gloves after all, only so he could give them to Lev. Maybe if he wasn’t so cold he wouldn’t feel the need to do whatever the hell this is.
“I’m sorry, forget it.” he says.
“No. This is important to you, clearly. I want to know why.” Milanova’s tone holds no warmth. Wind whistles down the street, deafening in the silence it demands. Milanova isn’t going to let Lev drop the subject, Atom knows it, as sharply as the sick feeling building in his stomach. He wants to grab Lev by the shoulders; knock some sense into him, tell him to shut the hell up, plead with him to keep his head down and obey like all the others. Like they promised each other they would, over countless nights in hushed whispers with their heads under a shared blanket. Always, with his hand an icy stone in Atom’s fist.
Instead he holds his breath and watches as the unthinkable happens.
“My father was...when I was a kid, my father was charged with Treason and taken from us. My mother and I were never told why. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for speaking out. It won’t happen again.”
Milanova laughs once, without smiling—a quick noise in her throat. “No, it won’t.” Tucking her folder under one arm, she takes another impossible step closer to Lev. “Sergei Ivanov was charged with High Treason for giving aid to other active Targets, and allowing them to escape punishment at the hands of the Law. People like him need to be eliminated for the sake of public peace. The world is a better place without people like Sergei. Without people like your father.”
Lev snaps up to look at her face, and by now his hands are balled so tightly they no longer shake. He sounds confused when he says, “He’s just an electrician.”
“He is your Enemy.”
“No,” he whispers. “No, he’s not.”
Milanova sighs through her nose. The wind screams. There’s a movement, a sickening sound, and the two of them sway. There is a knife in Lev’s belly and Milonova’s hand is on the hilt. She jerks it up, stretching the wound, and pulls out. Lev stumbles back, hitting the pale blue concrete wall. He slides to the cold ground, eyes wide, face white. The hands clutching his stomach quickly turn red—so very, very red. Atom takes a step toward him and Milanova commands him to stay put. Lev looks up at him and attempts to speak but can’t quite manage it. Or maybe he does say something but the ringing in Atom’s ears drowns it out.
It isn’t quick, and Lev keeps his eyes on Atom until the end, until his eyes turn glassy and his chest stops its panicked heaving.
“What a waste.” Milanova’s voice cuts through the noise like a—like a knife. “To make it all this way, dedicate his entire life to becoming a Keeper, only to throw it all away like this." From the corner of his eye, Atom sees her pull out a handkerchief to wipe the blade clean. "Unfortunately for you Belov, that means you’re on your own now."
A deep dark red stains the white of Lev's Keeper uniform. Today was their very first day wearing official whites. Only hours ago, in the changing room, Lev had joked about how the color washed him out.
"Belov?"
Atom blinks, tearing his eyes from the body. It takes an immense effort to look at Lev’s killer.
"Do you have any questions?"
"No, Sergeant."
"Then you may begin your mission."
"Yes, Sergeant."
Atom's feet carry him to the apartment's entrance. When the door clicks shut behind him, everything goes quiet. His own breathing sounds too loud in the vacant hallway. A choking feeling rises in his throat. Atom yanks down his scarf to heave. The image of Lev on the ground burns in his vision, like after looking at a bright light for too long, dragging across his line of sight no matter where he looks.
With effort, Atom pulls himself together before he can slip any further. He pushes himself away from the wall and breathes until the hallway stops looking like it wants to collapse on him. Until the sick in his throat is something he can leave on the floor, at his feet. To be collected after.
It turns out that the stairwell has no heat, but it at least provides shelter from the wind. Taking one step at a time, Atom climbs all seven flights.
He doesn’t know how long he stands outside the door to room 716. Somewhere down the hall a dog is barking. At one point, an elder woman wearing a colorful headscarf exits her apartment and makes her way towards him, but when she gets a better look at his uniform, she turns around and walks all the way to the stairwell at the other end of the hall. Inside his Target’s room he hears music—something slow and crackly, from centuries past. It sounds like something Lev would play from his radio, quietly from the bunk above Atom during nights when he couldn't sleep. The noise would in turn keep Atom up well into the night, but he never complained about it.
Atom raises his fist and knocks, loud and heavy.
The music dies. Footsteps approach, followed by whispers just on the other side. The door opens to a man's face. He looks older than 32, square-jawed with a graying beard. As his eyes take in his visitor his expression morphs from curiosity to thinly veiled fear.
"Sergei Ivanov?" Atom asks.
Before the Target can answer, a middle-aged woman appears over his shoulder. Her eyes are large and brown and framed by silver glasses. "Who is this?" she asks.
"Keeper Atom Belov, acting on the behalf of the United Keep. I am here to speak to Sergei Ivanov."
With a large hand the Target—Sergei—reaches up to wipe a sheen of sweat from his forehead. His wife's grip on his shoulder tightens. After a moment of silence, she asks Atom if he would like to come inside for a cup of tea. “We can all sit and talk at the table.” she says.
"Honey—" Sergei tries to protest, but she won’t hear it.
"It's okay. It's going to be okay." With visible strain she manages to urge her husband away from the door, forcing a smile at Atom as he steps inside. He follows her to a small wooden dining table and unclips his sword, leaning it against the wall beside his chair before taking a seat.
“Sergei, could you get the teapot started? I’ll stay out here and keep our guest company.” She takes the seat in front of Atom and pointedly avoids looking at the sword. “I’m Katya,” she says. “Sorry about the mess, we weren’t expecting company today.”
From what Atom can see, the apartment is spotless, and smells like freshly baked bread. He hears Sergei in the kitchen to his left and turns to watch the open doorway.
Katya tries again to get his attention. “How long have you been a Keeper?” she asks. Atom fiddles with the knife holster on his thigh. He doesn’t feel like lying, but he doesn’t want to admit to her that he isn’t an official Keeper—not yet—so he says nothing.
“I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you look young. How old are you?”
Atom bites his tongue, but decides to answer anyway. “Sixteen.”
Her chair creaks as she leans back. “Good God.” she whispers.
Atom doesn’t look at her. She stops asking questions and sits in silence until the teapot starts to make noise. Then she excuses herself to the kitchen. Above the whine of the teapot Atom overhears Sergei’s low, pleading voice.
“Take all the money in the pantry and go with Dasha to your mother’s house. Go now, I’ll tell him you went to the store. Katya, please, I want to know you and Dasha are safe. Leave now.”
“I’m not leaving you.”
“Kat—”
“Let’s sit down—together, and speak to him. He’s just a kid. He has no reason to be here. Whatever this is for, there’s no reason to be afraid.
“Look at me. There is no reason for him to be here. Right?”
But Sergei doesn’t answer. Or if he does, Atom can no longer hear him above the deafening whine of the teapot. One of them finally takes it off the stove and Atom listens to the aggressive clinking of tableware before Katya comes out of the kitchen carrying a tray of warm bread, sliced strawberries, a dish of butter, and tea. She sets the table for three people despite Sergei having yet to show himself. She pours a steaming cup of black tea into a delicate porcelain cup and sets it in front of Atom before slumping back into her seat.
Somewhere in the living room, a clock ticks.
“Why are you here?” she asks.
“I need to speak to Sergei.”
“About what?”
But Atom doesn’t look at her again. He pushes himself to his feet and takes up his sword. Katya stands too, nearly knocking her chair over in the process. She calls out her husband’s name in alarm. Atom finds him leaning over the kitchen sink with his back to him. His head turns, just so, when he hears Atom enter the room.
“Sergei Ivanov. The United Keep has declared you an Enemy of the public and found you guilty of High Treason. You will pay for your crime with your life. You can come with me, quietly, and I'll let you say goodbye to your family. Or we can do this another way."
Slowly, Sergei straightens his back. He lets out a shaky sigh. “What is the other way?”
“You die. Here and now.”
Sergei nods, and makes a noise that sounds almost like a laugh. Then he turns around with a large kitchen knife in his large hand.
"Let us see if there is a third way.”
He looks tired, but by no means does he look weak. Sergei is a large man, twice Atom’s age, and they both know there is no way out of this without a fight.
So Atom widens his stance and raises his sword. "So be it."
The Enemy takes a heavy step towards him and the kitchen is so small that there is nowhere for Atom to duck to. So he doesn't. He swings, a clean upward arc, and a scream fills his ears on impact. Bright pure red sprays the walls and ceiling and blooms across white kitchen tiles underfoot. The Enemy’s momentum propels him forward and he lands on Atom with a guttural noise, crushing him against the refrigerator. Atom drops his sword in favor of fending off the knife aiming for his face. Sergei uses the last of his strength to try and drive it through his cheek and manages to break skin. Atom feels the tip of the blade clink against his teeth at the same time that shock seizes Sergei, and he collapses to the ground, dragging the knife down with him.
Atom swears, clutching at the stinging pain in his face. He tastes blood, and the feel of it is slick against his gloved hand. Through a blinding haze of pain he sees Katya on the ground beside Sergei. Her hands, trying to close the large, weeping gash, are red. When she realizes that it's already too late and her husband is dead, she takes up Atom’s sword and stands. It shakes in her hands. Thick blood drips slowly from her fingers.
“You—,” Her eyes are wide and wild behind her glasses. “I let you into my home.” She takes a frantic step towards him. “What kind of monster are you? You—You’re nothing."
Atom lets his hand drop. The blood running down his chin almost feels like he's crying. Slowly, he stands up straight, and wraps both hands around the blade pointed at him. He pulls, and at first Katya resists. Then she catches another glimpse of the body at her feet and wrenches back in horror. Atom turns the sword around in his hands. He exhales.
Outside, the wind screams. It howls and it rages and in his ears he hears Lev pleading, ‘But what did he do?’ and there are two bodies at Atom’s feet.
He feels cold all over. Then the shaking starts. The stench of iron fills his lungs and Atom gags, stumbling from the kitchen. He drops heavily into the chair at the dining table. The clotting, drying blood on his face starts to itch. The clock keeps ticking. He fishes out a radio from his pocket and tosses it onto the table. He touches the still-full cup of tea beside it and feels warmth seep into his fingertips. It feels wrong. He returns his hands to the hilt of his sword.
A pair of eyes tracks the movement from the bottom of a narrow staircase by the front door. When Atom turns his head to look, he sees the face of a young girl staring at him from the shadows. Atom hadn’t noticed her with how still she sat there, but as soon as he makes eye contact, she stutters to her feet.
Atom knows what she sees, knows what he looks like at that moment, but he wonders if she knows that her parents are dead. He tries to say something to her but the only thing that comes out of his mouth is an ugly choked noise. At that, she makes her decision and bolts for the front door.
He stands up and manages two steps in pursuit before he stops.
She slips through the door barefoot and runs. Atom holds himself still and listens to her footsteps rapidly growing quieter as she makes her escape. His body screams at him to go after her, quickly, before he loses her trail. Keep your head down, follow your training, do what needs to be done to stay alive. But the smell of blood is still churning his stomach and she is just a child. So he refuses to take another step, despite the sudden spike of adrenaline rushing through his bloodstream, urging him to go and fulfill his duty. Or else—
Scrubbing at the crusted blood around his mouth, Atom spins back to the dining table and picks up his radio. He clicks it on and tunes in to the channel for body collection. After listing off the apartment address and room number, he reports a total of two bodies and sits back down to wait for their arrival. He keeps his back to the door and stares at a single point on the wall and waits.
A team of four shows up, clad from head to toe in stiff white plastic garb. One of them greets Atom and tries to make small talk but Atom only motions to the kitchen and tries not to look at anyone. The rest of them don’t pay him any attention anyway, and get right to the task at hand. They make quick work of it, and in a matter of minutes Sergei and Katya are neatly hauled out of their home in two shiny white body bags. Atom follows them out of the apartment just as the cleaning crew arrives.
Outside, the world is just the same as it was before, and Milanova is still polishing her knife. She looks up at the commotion at the door and nods at him. Atom walks over to stand beside her. She slides the knife into her holster before giving him a stiff smile.
“Congratulations,” she says. “You passed. I’ll get the paperwork started tonight, and by tomorrow morning you should be able to start your duties as an official Unity Keeper. Welcome aboard, Belov.”
Her hand lands heavily on Atom’s shoulder. She gives it a tight squeeze. “Would you like me to call medical for your face, or do you want to catch a ride with me back to the base?”
“It can wait.” Atom musters a shrug. “Just a scratch.”
“That’s going to get infected without treatment.” she says, as a matter of fact. But she doesn’t push it. She takes her hand from Atom’s shoulder and he takes a small step away. His attention lands on the body collection crew as they begin lifting each bag into the back of their van. Four body bags. Atom ticks off the names in his head. Sergei, Katya, Lev, and a fourth, smaller lump.
Atom has to grip the wall behind him to stay upright.
“You passed your test today, but I hope you know that in the future, there will be no leniency for the type of mistake you made. I understand that you were not intended to take on this mission by yourself, which is why I’m willing to look past your error. But for all future missions, from this day forward, you will be expected to take out all witnesses, despite their involvement with the Target, just as you have been taught all throughout training. Do I make myself clear?”
Atom feels numb from the inside out. A bone-deep, chilling numbness.
“Yes, Sergeant.” he says.
“Good. One more thing, I wanted to give this to you. As a reminder.”
She walks over to the back of the body van and presents him with a bundle of white fur. Lev’s fur hat. Atom takes it and holds it. He doesn’t know what to do with it. He doesn’t know what to say. He wants to leave, he wants to go back to his bed at the barracks, he wants to go to medical, he wants to get back on the metro and rewind this entire day, but the gift works as Milanova intended—Atom digs his fingers into it and knows that there is no going back.
“Blood is the price for peace, Belov. Never forget that.” she says, and Atom—sixteen years old and a killer for the first time in his life—commits those words to memory.
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wellfine · 5 months ago
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Hey I found ur art uncredited on tik Tok
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMreQSnaw/
They said they "found it on Reddit" so they just decided to steal it and post it ig?? Ugh!!
Wow, that's a whole other repost to the one I thought it was going to be, lol. It's been reposted to TikTok once before, and I'm also not surprised this person got it from Reddit, where I doubt I was credited either.
At the end of the day I appreciate the heads up but there's nothing I can really do about it. The most helpful thing anyone can do is to leave comments on the reposts to provide credit,* because if artists ever try and comment then we pretty invariably get attacked. Don't be mean or aggressive, that just builds their animosity towards the artists, but I do think people respond positively to outside pressure to do the right thing 🤷
*Remember to make sure there's enough context - eg. something like "art by @ landegart on Twitter" is more searchable/useful than "artist is Landeg" to someone on TikTok who has no idea who I am haha
#this comic has been reposted A Lot and I appreciate people keeping me in the loop but it's just wearing me down#I can't do much about it and I'd rather just ignore it rather than spend time thinking about it#especially when people get into arguments with them on my behalf and now suddenly I'M the one catching heat#like it's been reposted a couple of times to twitter too and when people tell them to credit me-#-the reposters call *me* a bitch like. I'm not even there any more you're arguing with the wall#anyway. it makes me happy to see people politely but firmly crediting artists in the comments section :) thank you!#also it's kind of interesting that the conversation has become entirely about credit. when I don't want it reposted WITH credit either#I just don't want my art reposted to sites like reddit or tiktok at all. if I wanted it there I'd share it there myself#and the fact that I don't says a lot about what kind of communities those places have fostered#there's a reason like zero artists use reddit to share their own work even though it's a pretty big platform#anyway that part isn't @ you at all anon thank you for your message & keeping me informed#it's more just how the conversation has gradually shifted from 'reposting is bad' to 'reposting without credit is bad'#i understand that it's because we can't stop people from reposting so it's basically the most we can ask for. but still#and make sure you guys aren't following reposters here on Tumblr. even a lot of the ones who say they get permission just lie lol
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iraprince · 9 months ago
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Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow
hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.
like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.
anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better
#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages.#or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it.#i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') -#- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action.#also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally)#u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not--#--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control#as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of'#'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important'#bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem#but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine#i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and-#inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR#i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be#-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that#ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind
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bunnyboy-juice · 10 days ago
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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front-facing-pokemon · 1 year ago
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#registeel#and now this guy is maybe a bit less interesting. from this standpoint‚ i mean. the eyes being just dots make it a little hard to like#feel *connected* to them when they're ffp'd‚ y'know? i feel like it's kind of a reductive angle. which is why i zoomed this one and the last#one out a bit. so you can see a bit of the rest of their body. it's maybe less funny but would it really have been funny to just see 7 red#dots on a gray background and have to read the tag to know it's registeel? i dunno. maybe. maybe it would've been. but i like this more#maybe the explanation is that i'm taking these pictures myself. i personally know all these pokémon and have to ask them if i have permissio#n to take these pictures of them. but registeel said i couldn't get too close. so we settled with this. hehe yeah that's why :) hehe :)#anyway. you now have the aegis cave theme stuck in your head#hi it's me from the present. saturday morning. in yesterday's queued post i came up with the idea of maybe doing a monotype run of a pokémon#game. i don't know which one yet but i wanted to do water-type. but i was like. maybe i'll liveblog it on my main blog. yesterday#and today i came back and saw those tags as i was queuing up today's 'mons and i was like… hell maybe i could stream it if enough folks are#interested. but if anyone is then i didn't want to wait that long for the queue to get to that post bc that's gonna post on like. august 18#and class for my last semester of college Ever starts back up on august 21st and i don't. know if i want to start another pokémon playthroug#h that close to classes starting. especially not one where at least one (1) individual out there might be waiting for it So i put 'em here#they'll still be on that post but. they're here. just in case someone out there is chronically bored enough that that's something they'd be#interested in. y'never know there's a lot of folks here#anyway i will now queue up kricketot. see you then… or i guess see you whenever if you like send in an ask or a message or smth…
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mejomonster · 4 months ago
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Im watching Only Friends and We Are like back to back and. Wildly different college friend groups
Imagine ur in Peems friend group (ur like Toey or someone) and u go to the Yolo bar, and run into Boston and Top and Ray and u watch that fucking speech Ray gives absolutely roasting the fuck out of his friend's relationships and u make a mental note 'do not Ever bring my lover to this bar'
Dhdhhf
Like I love both shows. And I think theyre both somewhat true to life just like, very different viewpoints as theyre true to life. And depicting very different people (with some overlap). And of course, We Are is going for low stakes comfort slice of life genre, while Only Friends is going for dense analysis of friends in the hookup scene.
#only friends the series#we are the series#lb#idk what the overlap of ppl is that enjoy BOTH shows. but it includes me <3 i love them both a lot#like. only friends? to be real here#id say the American college or dating experience? at least for my age group?#it was Very relatable to only friends. not THAT messy. but. i was definitely Ray at times#(crush on friend. the rebound the friend dates) and Mew (and i still am kind of mew...#im demi and i just dont do hookups theyre boring as fuck and i cant get turned on unless im in love)#and ive definitely met people like Sand and dated ppl like Sand and to an extent been hurt so bad i dont believe ppl will#love me back (like Sand)#and ive had friends like Boston (although the friends didnt lie or like destroy friendships) and dated ppl like Boston#hell i even unfortunately dated some ppl like Nick who were like THAT messy and i had to Run asap#but like. Only Friends is very raw and Real about those real romance hangups existing for a LOT of real people.#meanwhile We Are? also relatable. the slow pace and low stakes? honestly also many relationships go that way#while ive been Ray crushing on a friend. ive also developed those crushes just as slow as Q and Toey leaving messages and interacting#or Peem and Phum on odd terms tjen seeing each other more and clicking and not doing anything right away#and my luckier friends have been like Tan: honest and upfront and adoring and with a person they like rather fast#i think the 2 shows are like the spectrum of experience with dating AND friends involved#and its enjoyable to see all sides of that spectrum (for me)
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novampiresremain · 1 month ago
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hello long vent / kinda updates ( in tags for both ) & also i love you all sm
#life is hard man#i cant socialize for shit#i appreciate everyone whose been reaching out to me and stuff#i wanna clarify my lack of responses is due to the mess that is my life rn#but also im autistic as hell and bad at messaging#tbh#i just have lots of trauma / problems there so communication is really difficult for me#and i am not sure how to navigate it#im doing my best but it is so hard#im not good at messaging back or knowing what to say etc#its been really hard#im an anxious mess most days#and its honestly not getting better its getting worse#i have lots of untreated mental stuff going on#managed to do a screening yesterday so the ball is rolling but its slow & im out of time#rn my partner + friends & wrestling are whats getting me through this#like aside from my cat and a junk drawer full of small things thats about what i got#and life is not very kind to me / us#feels like its working against us actively tbh#and theres some family stuff that went down thats intense#after my nightmare day at all out. i learned a lot more about my place in my family that i didnt really wanna learn rn#so i am. a mess#all my problems are literally so severe i cannot function. i cant do tasks. i cant think. i literally have panic attacks over everything#anxiety attacks that last whole days or hours cause my skin just stays shaking and wrong#my ocd is unbearable#and i cant leave my house really anymore#and select moments i can but. i dont even have those anymore really#i wish i could explain the mess of how bad im doing and also express the gratitude for the people still around#or the people checking in#i am trying to! i am still trying.
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piipaw · 8 months ago
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Been going through it and I wanted to shout out a big thank you to all the people who have been kind to me recently. Every message, every reply, every curious ask, every interaction- these things mean a lot and i really just wanted to give thanks.
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disdaidal · 11 months ago
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I do love that I'm both freezing and having the worst back pains.
But at least I still have a roof above my head, right?
#personal#so here's the thing:#i don't think any of the radiators in my apartment are currently working#which kind of sucks bc it's winter in northern europe lmao#one of them had blown a fuse. which i changed yesterday. and now it's cold again. so there's definitely something wrong with it#two of them. which are located in my bedroom/living room combination. have red lights on#but they are both cold and not heating up my apartment. which means i'm freezing here#so it could be a thermostat or something. i don't know#but because my place was a mess. after having worked for a few months and not having energy to do anything else#i had to clean up here yesterday. because i couldn't call my landlord who lives closeby in case he decided to drop in and see#the mess i was living in. to you know. check on those radiators#so anyway. my apartment is pretty okay now. stuff i still need to clean though but it's mostly minor#but i seem to have strained my lower back doing it. or from sleeping in an awkward position because i was cold#the kind of pain i haven't experienced in months which must be a record for me now#but yeah now my lower back hurts. i can't properly crouch or even twist my body to the side without my knees trying to give out#and i've already taken painkillers for it today. which kind of put me to sleep again and had a lovely little nap a while ago#but this is bothersome#i hope my back feels better by tomorrow so i can finish my cleaning and then message my landlord#because i don't want to freeze here anymore xD and i also don't want my houseplants dying because of it so
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rosicheeks · 3 months ago
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I think I was in love with you.
lol no you weren’t
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seaglassdinosaur · 1 year ago
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Remembering that two long-running arcs of the Origami Yoda series regarding Dwight were his classmates becoming real friends with him as they stop seeing him as the ‘weird kid’ and connecting with him as a person, and Dwight starting and continuing to date Caroline, the girl he likes. These arcs present to the (presumably neurotypical) audience, an autistic-coded character as someone nuanced and human, who is capable and desirable as a partner and friend, encouraging the idea of looking past dismissive judgements of strangeness and to try to understand people, and even if you can’t, accept them and appreciate them for who they are.
#I am having thoughts and feelings abt origami yoda agin#because like. those are the major arcs w Dwight-the ones that aren’t kept to one book alone#it’s nice seeing them go from kinda just tolerating Dwight because he’s a similar outcast and they need yoda#to them actually liking him and wanting to spend time w him (see the museum visit when tommy is ditched by kellen for Dwight)#and Dwight never magically changes to become ‘normal’. the closest he gets is when he’s at that private school which is observed as kind of#stifling? to all the things that make Dwight interesting and creative#nah the series goes on and Dwight still stims and gets sidetracked by his special interests either to his benefit or detriment#but none of the kids have a problem with him for it. they get that it’s Dwight and these are the things he does#they don’t have a ton of moments of insight into dwight. they talk but they don’t dissect their conversations to parse out what he means#and that makes their communication of messages a little tricky#but the thing is: even though Dwight doesn’t tell them in a way they understand why say the rib bq is so important to him#or why he stims or what sensory issues he has because they might not have the language#even though they don’t have that passage of conversation clicked up#they accept these things as a part of him. and I think that’s a nice message to send.#maybe you won’t fully understand the people in your life but you should try. and even if you can’t you should accept them. quirks and all.#the strange case of origami yoda#origami yoda series#my post#tscooy
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thedreadvampy · 5 months ago
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thought too hard in the shower about Things That Make Reality Wobbly and guess what the effect of that is!!!!!!!!
hey if anyone wants to confirm the reality of basically any fucked up thing that happened to me between 14 and 25 then BE MY GUEST
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ichigosoju · 5 months ago
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🍪🥛
#out of sight out of mind....#im not gonna check his blogs every day from here on out#and i hid/archived our chat so i dont have to see it when i open the messaging app#i do have some kind of 'fomo' lol bc i dont wanna miss out on any potential glimpse into his mind or days#esp now when he doesnt tell me anything anymore. idk anything abt what goes on with him#but .. i am allowing and letting him control my life#i obsessively check my phone and refresh his blogs ALL day#it's extremely unhealthy and pathetic and i know this#it's just hard to stop bc i genuinely... love him sm#plus he told me he wanted me for real so he made me not only dream of a life i thought wasnt possible for me#but also WANT it. i only want him and to live with him and be his. that's all i want but he just cut me off out of nowhere lol#and im still hung up on it... i dont want my boring reality. current nor future. i just want the reality where im with him which he made me#think was smth i could have one day soon.#but anyway. if his feelings changed that's how it is. it's not even his fault it's just how things work in life#even if i dont want to accept it i have to. i cant keep living in this limbo. i try to talk to him but he's a wall so that's a No.#so i cant let him control my life and waste away all my days on him#i need to stop checking his blogs and our chat. that's the first step#im still gonna allow myself to think of him and daydream and fantasize. but that will have to stop soon too#then i have to focus on doing my assignments and read books and go to the gym#things that will help me get realistically where i want in my current reality#i want to finish highschool and then apply for a preschool or library program#and hopefully the plan is to get a student housing apartment so i can move out finally and live on my own and study#then when i finish i'll look for a job as either of those things. and a place to live (which is super fkn hard in these modern chaos times)#even if i have to live my life all alone... i want to be as comfortable as i can at least#i can live in my own row house and have pets and work and read and play games and watch shows#and see and talk to my mom#i mean hopefullyyyy i'll be able to try to make at least some shallow connections so i have ppl to hang out with#i can always hope to meet someone who'll fall in love with me but im not counting on it#ugh.. bc as it is now#i dont do ANYTHING but be on my phone
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philsmeatylegss · 1 year ago
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A huge underlying view among many terfs that frustrates me beyond belief is Islamophobia. I have seen countless of posts from Terfs using the stories of abused Muslim women as an excuse to say the whole religion is oppressive and sexist. I have seen so many posts about how hijabs and burkas are oppressive and women who choose to wear them are working against women’s rights. They often imply that most of, if not all, Muslim men are violent in the name of religion. They fail to make the obvious connection between the fact that there’s a huge difference between fascist governments using Islam as an excuse to oppress women and actual Islam and Muslims. Ofc women should have the right to chose if they want to be religious, if they want to cover up, if they want to take on a submissive role. No one is denying that. The reasons those rights are taken from women, often in the Middle East (which is what terfs often reference), is the fault of the government, not the religion. Yeah, there are abusive men who will use Islam as an excuse for their actions. Just like there are Christian men who will use Christianity as an excuse for their actions. Same goes for pretty much all religions. People covering up their abuse under the guise of religion is not limited to just Islam. It happens in most religions. It’s happened pretty much since religion started.
It’s just so ignorant and out of touch and you know they have never spoken to a Muslim person. If they did, they would know Muslims are the same as Christians and Jews and atheists and so on. It’s not some evil curse. It’s a religion that mainly focuses on peace. And to demonize it, using the horrors women have faced as an excuse is just so messed up. Most people on the internet haven’t realized there’s a big difference between a religion and people using that religion as a coverup for their shitty actions. The existence of governments using Islam to persecute women is because of bad people, not Islam. Terfs just want one group of people to be declared bad so they can blame everything on them. They claim to want to protect all women, and then condemn an entire religion. They talk about horrid treatment of women and blame religion rather than the perpetrators. It’s a very common belief a lot of them hold and I never see it mentioned and it just really pisses me off.
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ignorantsanonymous · 1 year ago
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The Tragedy Prayer
"Let us offer up a prayer to those who have perished in this nightmarish act of cruelty today.
And I remind you all, once again, that we pray not to God, but to ourselves; to sharpen our minds and to focus our wills.
Our Power, which burns within Us, exquisite be Our Might.
Our Kingdom come, Our Will be done, on Earth as it is within Us.
Give Us this day our fondest wish, and improve ever upon Us, as we strive ever to improve Ourselves.
And lead Us not into corruption or malaise, but give Us strength to persist in the face of adversity.
Lives have been taken needlessly from Us by a loathsome lost soul on a mission of evil.
May the sickness of this rotten death-urge vacate Our collective Being.
May the exploiters of tragedy find that their words turn to shit in their mouths.
May the deniers of tragedy find that they are denied mercy until they repent.
May the cruelty of this world be alleviated by the love and fellowship and brotherhood and sisterhood and siblinghood that We may find in Ourselves.
To love One Another and to serve One Another and to serve those that love Us.
And may Those whose souls are on this day scorched with pain and anguish find Their way to the balm of kindness.
Let Those who have been so darkly touched by the worst of humanity see now the best of it.
And may Our differences be cast aside, and all the bullshit cut through, until all that is left is the truth.
Let it be so."
-TJ Kirk (May 2022)
#In May of 2022 TJ posted a video discussing the tragedy and politics of the school shooting in Uvalde Texas of the United States#And he ended that video with this prayer#I omitted one word-- the word twenty-one-- the number of lives that were lost in Uvalde that day#because I plan on reblogging this every time a mass shooting happens in this country#I even added the first part to the description of this blog as a general prayer#This channel's name-- Ignorants Anonymous-- is of course a parody of the support groups#the ones that are supposed to aid those with addictions#and those support groups rely heavily on the christian religion as an anchor to help guide their members#though nowadays they try to be more inclusive--as long as you have an entity or concept you hold higher than yourself then#the twelve step program can still apply#along with the name I also wanted to similarly parody the religious aspect of the support group#kind of like how satanists parody abrahamic religions with the name of those religions' opposer#while ironically holding themselves to the message of peace and love preached by those texts than the actual followers of those religions d#You do not have to be atheist to follow this blog or to get use out of it but#I find that the words of TJ Kirk-- The Amazing Atheist-- do a better job at representing the theme of this blog than I ever could#i hope he never discovers this blog personally but if he does i hope he at least approves of my use of his expressions#prayer#tj kirk#the amazing atheist#amazing atheist#terroja kincaid#YouTube
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