#But I'll never be able to know for sure.
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Happy birthday ^^ I'm in my 30's so, glad to see some older peeps on tumblr.
(even if 29 aint old XD )
Don't worry, I know. I don't truly believe myself to be old, just relatively old. I could be wrong, but I feel like a majority of the people I interact with on Tumblr and Discord are younger than me. Sometimes not by much, and sometimes by a lot. One of my favorite artists is about a decade younger than me! (Which is admittedly wild to think about. XD)
I want to take a moment to be sappy, and hopefully not conceited. I don't want to sound or act like I have a big head; I just want to offer some advice as an older artist.
When I was a teenager, I dreamed of having what I've since gained through this blog. I wanted to tell a story, and have people interact with it and ask questions, primarily in the form of Nuzlocke comics. I only ever tried on DeviantArt and, in more recent years, Twitter (may it RIP), and never really gained any traction. I wonder if things would've been different if I'd tried Tumblr back then, but I kinda doubt it. I was a teenager. I was still a developing artist and storyteller with an underdeveloped sense of self-confidence. Now, that's not to say I don't think teenagers can do great things and tell great stories... But if you're trying and it's not working out, YOU. HAVE. TIME.
At some point I came across what I believe was an advice post from Tumblr, but I can't find it anywhere and don't truly know where it's from. It had some wonderful advice that I wish I could share verbatim!
The biggest thing I gleaned from it is, don't down-talk your own art! If you have trouble liking the art you make, look for the good in it! Find the parts you can be confident in, build on that, and love what you do!
Here, I'll get you started.
You are an artist, which is a wonderful thing! You have the ability to bring your ideas to life, and that will only get better with time! I'm way, WAY better of an artist now than when I was 16, 17, 18 when I first tried telling stories online. Your biggest hindrance will be yourself, so please don't let yourself get in the way. Perfection in art is impossible. Aim for loving what you do, and be patient with yourself.
Anyways, that's my random sappy spiel. Enjoy your art, lovely artists young, old, and in-between!
#hideoutfromreality#ask#but unconventional#A part of me wonders if I just happen to have a story premise people like.#But I'll never be able to know for sure.#Would the result have been different if I'd thought up this story with my teenage art skill?#I don't know.#I CAN'T know.#I'll just have to move forward with what I've got now.#info
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i'm ready to try
#This drawing is kind of personal to me#I recently graduated (CUM LAUDE WOOOO!!!!) and its like. not to get depressing#but when i was younger i was never sure whether i would make it to this point#When i was going through what i consider to still be like. the worst time of my entire life#This fictional character was there for me and she was something for me to latch onto and cope with#eGem helped me a lot with being able to process my emotions at the time but also helped me to reflect on myself#which i think is a big reason as to why I'm really happy with where i am with myself right now#I'm going off to uni next school year to study astronomy!!! which!!!#Im also doing because of eGem!!! She ignited this kind of childlike wonder for space for me#I love doing math and physics and whilst Im still a bit scared because. honestly i don't know whether this is what i want to do with my lif#I think i'll be okay either way#either way i wanted to draw egem again even if i haven't done so in a while because its like#i think i wouldnt be who i am without her. i think i'd be a lot worse off#so like. thank you empires smp thank you geminitay thank you egem This drawing is me expressing my gratitude#AND THANK YOU AUTISM!#empires smp#empires smp s1#empiresblr#esmp#geminitay#art#fanart#alice.art#mcyt#mcytblr#song is andromeda by weyes blood... obv.. you guys know me by now :oP
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Could you tell more about your face blindness, if you're ok with it? It's a kind of surprise to me that you have difficulty of recognizing people's faces because you are one of the artists who draw characters' expressions so intricate and eloquent, like a mirror towards their mental states. Do you think it has any impact on your art/art style?
First of all, thank you! I love drawing expressive characters ´v`
Sometimes I wonder if the face blindness is part reason why I choose to draw animals/furries/anthros instead of people, but other than that I'm not sure if it has contributed on my style.
#it's most likely an autism thing#I've struggled with identifying people by their faces ever since I can remember#discovering that it's an actual disorder was a massive relief#I had lived my entire life thinking that I was either dumber than everyone else or not trying hard enough#these days if I meet someone new and know for sure that I'll be interacting with them in the future I usually warn them beforehand#that I have this thing and I might not be able to recognize them next time#(or that I might potentially never learn to recognize them reliably)#and in my experience people tend to be pretty understanding#it's embarrassing to have to tell them that but it takes some pressure off#answered#anonymous
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thank you
#cowmix#im not sure what else to put here#other than this is a comic ive wanted to make for a long time#and i really. really appreciate the continued support#i have never and will never run off with money. i never want to. if you have paid me for something and i never made it-#please reach out to me. i have felt like a corpse for many many months. but i know i can get better. i know i *am* getting better#i want to finish my queues and focus on personal projects and a better patreon. i want to make big beautiful fun art.#but. like the comic says. i have bills to pay. i have to keep taking work. i have Actual brain damage and am a slow artist#on top of the Aforementioned Everything Else#i'll probably never be able to fully express my gratitude#but. love love love love forever to everyone whos still here#love love love love forever to everyone who believes in me#thank you
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I SWEAR CELEBI'S THINGY IS COMING SOON BUT I REALLY WANTED TO POST THIS ALRIGHT
yeaah... future trio got me too...
and Darkrai is there too, because of course he is.
hey look i drew a cute Drifloon :D
...ignore the rest
whatever started at Darkrai doodles ended in brainrot of future trio + darkrai and I'm blaming @scribz-ag24 for this
#Can you believe between the first pic and the 4th pic is only a week inbetween. I sure can't but like why did I mirror the pose...#ON ACCIDENT??? Everytime I look at the two Grovyles I'm like... how... how did they end up so differently???#also probably blaming @cozybells as well for this but I really fear tagging people so I'm just letting y'all know in the tags because#I do wanna let everyone know who inspired me when someone did <333 better get running [you know who you are!!!!] DusnoirXDarkrai is next...#also: upon seeing scribz-ag24's art my brain said: You need to color too! ah yeah that went well with the doodle batch#I really hope you're able to read everything with how messy I can write sometimes. If not please let me know and I'll add sth in this post!#Also the doodle batch was the first thing I drew so well... never drew dusknoir before and grovyle once i think...#please go easy on me I have yet to explore the relationship between literally everyone😭 and I have no idea what I‘m doing and I'm a little#lost I normally only draw King Boo or Darkrai but I'm sure scribz-ag24 sprinkling in bits of Darkrai got me in love with the future trio to#grovyle#future trio#celebi#darkrai#dusknoir#pmd hero#pokemon#drifloon#totodile#my art#my stuff#tagas friend spoiler#pmd#pokemon mystery dungeon#IS THERE A SHIP NAME FOR FUTURE TRIO... there must be. ...oh... is it just...#futuretrioshipping#i feel sooo stupid rn.#also everytime i drew darkrai i had evil spiteful bastard in mind (except for the one with an arrow pointing out he's redeemed) but i think#i literally mixed every possible version of him in my head so got absolutely no clue what i'm doing :D#anyways i hope you enjoyed this and thanks for reading through my ramblings! Have such a wonderful rest of the day yippiee <333#pmd2
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felt the need to doodle lilia
#twst#lilia vanrouge#finished the first part of ch7#im so nervous but also excited for the rest on en#i love this dumbass so much gdi ch7 is going to end me#ive had alot of artblock lately#so between school and bg3 i havnt been able to draw much of anything that i like enough to post#have too many unfinished lilia doodles#might post a bunch of them here since who knows if ill ever finish them#this one was surprisingly somthing i drew earlier but then fixed it up#which is something i hardly do lol#usually i need to be hyperfocused and finish the art in one day lol#which is why i feel certain i'll never be able to ever take on commissions orz#trying to get into the art zone is very fickle and im sure it always will be
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I think, genuinely, the coolest part about being in this phandom for so long and semi-consistently putting creative projects out there is that I can look back over the years and see how much growth I've made in all areas of my creativity.
Like, I'm writing things now I wouldn't have even dreamed of years ago, and I'm composing music that past me would have been shell-shocked to hear. And I can see with each new fic I put out, each new song I make, how much better I'm getting. And it's not to say that I've mastered the art of writing and composition, but I've certainly improved a fuckton since like 2017 or whenever the hell I made this account.
Damn, y'all. It turns out that all the experts were right and skill is just a LOT of practice over a long period of time.
#danny phantom#phandom#this post was inspired by: the zine composition i just made#i finished my working draft last night#and imo it blows everything i've ever made before this out of the water#not even a competition#this one is just. better. in all areas.#like i remember working on the last two IB songs and hearing mistakes#spending so long tweaking them#but never QUITE being able to fix them#and now i listen back and hear new mistakes#things i didnt catch back then but i have the ear for now#and i *know* how to fix these issues now#im certainly not perfect and i'm going to make new mistakes with this song#but im sure in even a year i'll listen back to this one and go 'oh! i know what to do here now!'#(oh yeah this post is also partially inspired by The Phantom Martian WHICH IM WORKING ON)#(i wasnt playing a few weeks ago when i said i was writing the next chapter)#(i just am coming off of a 2 week family extravaganza)
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Tina: It smells like [Bagi] in here. Kinda awesome.
Tina: [Sniffs] Mmm. Bagi's smell.
#TinaKitten#Tina#Teaduo#Bagina#December 28 2023#Oof I thought I could get a longer clip of this but apparently Tina's VOD from this day isn't archived. This is the best I can do sorry!#Anyhoo. If anyone's looking for a specific clip and/or wants to know what day a specific moment happened#my DMs are always open! I can't promise I'll know or be able to find everything but I've got a pretty good track record so far!#Poor frickin Empanada's admin going: '':D Anyways—''#I don't even think I clipped this I think I remember saving this clip thinking ''I should remember to clip this later'' and then never did#rip. I'll find that VOD eventually I'm sure#Empanada
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rip gambit you will be missed 😔
Don't even know what to say tbh.
For those that don't know, the big State of the Game article came out detailing incoming changes and adjustments and all the big stuff. Gambit was mentioned! But at what cost. Basically, they are ceasing any kind of support for Gambit. What we have now is what it is. We will get the Dreaming City map back in TFS and they will add Shadow Legion and Lucent Hive as enemy factions in TFS. That's all.
Full text:
As many of you have noticed, we’ve been quiet on Gambit since last year’s overhaul that launched alongside The Witch Queen. In that revamp, the team made significant changes across five categories in Gambit: core activity fundamentals, Primeval tuning, invasions, ammo economy, and rewards. Unfortunately, these updates didn’t move the needle for player engagement. Although we know our Gambit fans mostly care about new or returning maps, this is an area of the game with lower engagement that would take resources away from more popular parts of the game to shore up. While we don’t have plans to dedicate more resources to significantly transform Gambit, we do have a few updates planned for the year of The Final Shape. These include porting the Cathedral of Scars map and its beautiful Dreaming City setting into the latest version of Destiny 2, as well as adding the Shadow Legion and Lucent Hive enemy types.
I don't know how to tell you this Bungie, but the reason "engagement is low" in Gambit is because Gambit sucks. Ever since half of it was removed with DCV, it just sucked. It has no variety, the gameplay is largely busted, it's not sufficiently updated, ammo changes suck, invasion cycle sucks (why is the enemy even getting a portal when their Primeval is at 5% health and the other team is still in mote collecting phase is beyond me), there are no cool armour sets to chase (just look at Iron Banner and Trials stuff, imagine dedicated cosmetics) and finally there are simply no weapons that are worth anything. Both Vanguard and Crucible have more weapons and also adept versions. There is zero reason to go into Gambit without major changes to Gambit. And now with the further changes to how playlists and challenges will work, there will be even less reason to go into Gambit. Observe:
Before then, we’re making Gambit entirely optional to maximize your rewards unless you’re looking for a piece of gear that’s specific to the mode. Gambit will continue to serve as a source of Exotic engrams via weekly challenges, though as we mentioned above, you’ll be able to complete all your weekly challenges in any ritual you’d like starting in Season 22. If you want to stick to Vanguard or Crucible challenges without touching Gambit, now you can. We’re also reducing the number of Gambit-specific Seasonal Challenges starting in Season 22, so players won’t need to bank motes to be able to earn that big purse of Bright Dust for completing nearly every challenge in the Season. Finally, we’re adding Fireteam Matchmaking to Gambit next Season, which will replace the Freelance node and should result in faster, better matchmaking by combining both Gambit playlists. We’ll keep an eye on reception and player engagement after these additions take place, and we hope you’ll visit ‘ol Drifter next Season to get your hands on his new Void Machine Gun.
Ngl, but I don't think anyone besides like a total of 6 people will play Gambit next season. The incentive to go in there is completely removed. You won't even have to go in there for pinnacles or for challenges. The Void Machine Gun will not be enough of an incentive because the chance of that gun being better than two recently available craftable Void Machine Guns (Commemoration and Retrofit Escapade) is very low. And besides, once you get it at the end of your first match, you can leave Gambit forever.
This is the feedback loop that just reinforces the idea that people don't like Gambit. And I mean. Who would at this point. I'm pretty sure that if Crucible had stayed the same as it was at the start of Beyond Light, engagement would be low there too. But you know. Crucible has received major updates pretty much every season since with multiple new modes, several Trials overhauls, Iron Banner overhaul, competitive overhaul, new armours and weapons added and YES, even new maps. God forbid even 5% of these resources went into Gambit.
Anyway, this is the whole section about Gambit in 6500 words. It's basically a "you guys aren't playing this so we're doing the bare minimum of keeping it in the game as is, no new work will be done on it ever." Thanks I guess.
And for the record, something I also added while having a rant in my discord, I want to make it clear that I don't want anyone to spiral into a Bungie hate train. Even for this. I understand perfectly well what's the community attitude towards Gambit and what it's been for years now. People just don't like it and they're not incentivised to like it and they're actively encouraged to hate it. Spending resources into a game mode on the hope that maybe you can change people's minds would be insanity. Like, the amount of change Gambit would need to MAYBE start appealing to gamers would be beyond any reasonable time and resources Bungie can put in. And if you could guarantee that people would love and play Gambit then, fine. But you can't. Most likely, even if major changes happened, people would still just do their weekly stuff and bail. It's simply not worth it. In order for people to like it, it needs to be completely and thoroughly overhauled in a way that would need more time and effort than the entire Light subclass overhaul and it's just not a reasonable expectation, nor is it guaranteed to work. So I get it.
I'm still disappointed and annoyed about it because I believe it wasn't given a fair chance at all. I also know how good it can be and how Gambit Prime could've been improved upon over the years if they tried. Instead, it got removed and that was honestly the death sentence for Gambit. It's unfortunate. It's my favourite game mode that could've been so much better was it given even a fraction of attention of Crucible.
I'll still be playing it. You will find me in the Gambit queue waiting for 2 hours to find 7 other lunatics to play with, don't worry about it. But I'm absolutely incredibly sad about them being basically forced to axe the potential of the whole game mode that is incredibly creative and fits with the type of game Destiny is perfectly.
There's other interesting stuff in the article and some upcoming really cool improvements and changes to the game. But if you're a fan of Gambit in any capacity, this is a death certificate for the mode. I suggest coming to terms with it quickly because Bungie changing their minds about this is highly unlikely.
#destiny 2#gambit#ask#long post#says 'don't know what to say' at the start. writes an essay. FHKSJHFKJS#i won't go too much into it outside of this. we all know what this means no need to beat the dead horse#i'll still play it and the mode is still there but i expect a drop in quality and population significantly#the issues we have will never be addressed nothing will ever be fixed. we'll get a 5th map (returning) in 6 months and that's it#yay. I guess.#don't think there will be anyone in the playlist anymore by that point so I'm not sure why even bother with that alone#but still. if that does happen at least new people will be able to see that map now. it was very pretty#unfortunately not good gameplay wise. but at least it will help to not get deep six 17 times in a row#anyway. sad situation for gambit enjoyers. please don't turn into crucible bros to harass devs though
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how i loved you, how i cried
#lfc#liverpool fc#jordan henderson#*edit#even if he doesn't deserve one#and i don't want to look at him#i'm sure it would've been easier if i were a straight man but i'm neither of those so#i never expected to be betrayed like this. not from him.#i don't know this is how i cope. posting silly pics from time to time#thank you for everything hendo#i'm not sure i'll ever be able to forgive you
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God, I also just realized? The only time glados can admit she really loves and cares about chell is when she's leaving forever and even then it's in a language chell probably can't even understand
#chelldos#fitting post for turret opera tuesday#surely not the first time anyone has realized this#it's the more personal equivalent of like#being able to say whatever you want at work because you know you're quitting that day#'well i'll never see you again. love you <3 get out of my life!'
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@rosepetalmoon to answer your question of "Bruce x Sierra & Raymond x Rose double date when" now. now is when.
like I said before I think they would find each other insufferable kdjfg
(also I didn't really. know what you'd wear here asdfg so I just put you in a cute little cardigan thing, I hope I got your sona (mostly) right--)
#fun fact. even though I never drew raymond before#I was able to do so almost entirely from memory. due to how much I have seen him plastered all over the internet kjdfhg#I also hope I got his personality somewhat correct#I know he's a smug villager (and I have a smug that I adore too) so I had a general idea of how he'd act#but idk if you have like. specific headcanons for his personality or anything kdjfhg#okay I'm rambling now asdfsd#my art#other s/i#Rosie#AC!Sierra#sure I'll make a tag for her now kdfhg#Bruce
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The Hierophant, Strength and the Hanged Man for Carmen?
Thanks for the ask! For once, there is something resembling brevity to my answers.
(also reordered to obscure some aeon spoilers for anyone for whom those are a concern)
[tarot asks]
Strength: On what issue is your character persistent?
The abomination thing. It’s the abomination thing. It’s most certainly that, the abomination thing. Carmen has developed a fringe theory of the cosmos in which the pristine world of Golarion has been corrupted by the unnatural incursions of creatures and forces not meant to exist on it. History is full of hubristic supernatural overreaches, evil wizard tyrants, and wicked gods and demons sowing destruction. Fey tricksters run rampant in the wilds, the self-righteous so-called good gods leave doctrines of discord for their followers while turning their backs on disaster, the unquiet dead have so infested the earth that a whole disgusting nation of them has taken root. People turn to religion for salvation and the gods feed on their fears and their hopes and all their beautiful, rich lives like parasites. And hardly anyone can see the connection, that there’s not good and bad types of abomination, but that it’s rotten all the way down. That you need to purge it all: the angels and the demons and everything else. The Worldwound is but one corner of a far greater crusade, one that mortals fight endlessly every day just to survive. She’s absolutely miserable to discuss religion with.
(From a meta perspective, this was an adaptation of her impractical and logic resistant tabletop philosophy that every arcane magic user ever born was, deep down, evil, because magic is inherently evil and corrupts everything it touches.)
The Hanged Man: When has your character needed to step back and look at things from a different perspective?
Honestly, just being appointed Knight Commander was a major moment for this. Carmen has never thought of herself as a leader. She knows she doesn’t have a lot of social savvy or patience for trying to parse issues outside of her skillset. Her skills in compromise are generally poor. She doesn’t like delegating tasks. She’s most comfortable receiving orders, not giving them. And grand strategy? She’s a soldier, she doesn’t know what it is that generals do. It’s hard to understand what she’s being asked when Galfrey makes her intentions clear, and it took some processing to come to terms with and accept. Trying to push outside of her usual narrow view of the present and to consider Galfrey’s reasoning, Galfrey’s character, and the state of the crusade did help. As much as the symbolic reasons or the reason of blessings she knew she hadn’t received and disliked being associated with didn’t resonate with her, she could see logic to the crusade needing new blood and fresh morale. The disaster of Kenabres made that much clear. And some morally superior part of her could also be swayed by the logic that she was the right choice for being more upright, for being more clear-headed, for being willing to do what others wouldn’t, just like when she purged the Wardstone.
I suppose in the end it would up less the empathetic understanding of others and more a roundabout way of reaching her own warped perspective there though. Common Carmen L. She does respect Galfrey though, mostly. She has very complicated feelings about Galfrey. All part of the toxic yuri love triangle.
AEON SPOILER ZONE
The Hierophant: Who has served as a mentor to your character?
Carmen has had effectively zero people in her life in the recent past she would consider mentors, especially in the crusade. To “mentor” her would require demonstration of shared values, valuable skills superior to her own, and a temperament she finds agreeable and worthy of respect. Let me just say that there are no characters in the game who meet these standards. She respects some, like Greybor or Galfrey, as equals or near equals. But there’s no one who can put her in a position where she feels that she is a student. The closest that you could probably come is the aeon in the mirror (it’s always that damn aeon in the mirror), and that’s because to her, it is very much not a separate being. It’s just her. She’s just spending time clearing her head and thinking- that’s normal, everyone does that! And she easily internalizes insights she picks up from there. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Would love to see a dynamic of mentor and penitent disciple between her and Hal if she ever halfway shaped up her act though, that would be fun. I thought about that periodically in 2021.
#sometimes asks about carmen run up against the thing where I kind of never found it in me to finish adapting her backstory#so she winds up very present focused and a little thin relative to her tabletop counterpart from greyhawk#there are a few reasons for this. a big one is just that I just lost motivation as my interest in wrath waned after release#but also being exposed to later game spoilers just murdered any desire to rally and do it anyway.#if you know you know and I'm sure you can understand how it fucks with investment#sorry I try not to have full blown wrath hater moments on main for the sake of everyone I know does like it but. hm#I'm sure if I ever drag myself that far I'll hash out how to proceed. it would be nice to be able to. peace of mind for me.#ask game#carmen regis#kaleido-scope-lady#aeon spoilers#idk. is there a tag used for that#maybe it counts as#wotr spoilers#?
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so for like, a decade plus, i've been searching for a youtube video i remember seeing back in 2007, and i've finally managed to make some headway:
good news: i've found it
bad news: it's lost media
#it's been bugging me for so long honestly#ive talked about it in my tags before but its basically the video that introduced me to roblox#it's probably a bit silly to have been searching for this video. but part of the reason ive been looking is to see how good my memory is#specifically memories from when i was 9 years old. and how those memories have aged given im 26 now#like id say my memory is pretty good. specifically remembering specific details from memories long ago#like that isn't to say they're perfect. like i'll get some details wrong. but i know the general idea of what i saw#but basically#it's basically some old roblox bloopers video that had their character in a baseball cap and lugia t-shirt#now for a few years i wasn't sure i was correct on this person wearing a lugia t-shirt#and so at some point i figured i had to give up looking for that specific detail#since literally no video i could find had these two details combined. id find characters with baseball caps but never with a lugia t-shirt#and by that point i was afraid i wouldn't be able to find this video. or worse. my memory was wrong and it was something i watched in 2008#but i knew it had to be uploaded before december 12th. 2007. because thats when i made my account#and the way i found it was going through 11 pages of a youtube search for ''lego videos''#i was specifically looking for new lego videos to watch. or find something that seemed more interesting than lego mario stop motion#and there was one video that stood out. which was some random roblox bloopers video. mixed in with a bunch of random lego videos#anyway. just today i was scrolling through twitters ''for you'' tab and happened upon a thread showing off lost roblox youtube thumbnails#and i was like ''well. can't hurt to see if theres anything in here that i recognize.''#and lo and behold. a roblox dude in a blue baseball cap and a lugia t-shirt. labeled as ''ROBLOX Bloopers!''#i could feel the anvil of my doubt free itself from my brain because i finally had proof of a video that lines up with my memory#thats not to say this is the exact video but 99% certain it's uploaded by the same person. like it could be roblox bloopers part 2#but anyway. the channel and the video(s) are lost and while im sad i can't watch it to confirm my memory#im happy to see that there's evidence that lines up with my memory of what i saw back then#for reference. it was uploaded by someone named 'Furzniak' at the time. and it was uploaded on July 21st. 2007
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want you all to know there is a funhouse mirror version of my crozier dies fic in my mind which goes like. noir au. little is the overworked, constantly stressed pi trying to solve the mystery of francis crozier's untimely death, a man he himself had an unresolved past with. jopson is crozier's much younger, very guarded widower who everyone suspects but who is actually innocent and genuinely loved crozier. and most importantly prominent secondary character billy gibson is jopson's best friend who is one hundred percent convinved jopson did it and one hundred percent supports his decision to off his husband. again something jopson did not in fact do
#little: i want to trust him but i'm just not sure i truly know him... it's like all of him is hidden behind a thin shell i could never crack#jopson: no matter how distraught i am i cannot let it show. if i don't keep my appearance together i'll fall apart#gibson: yoo-hoo thomas i heard frank finally croaked! oh well. suspicious circumstances apparently but i'm sure they can't make it stick--#--anyway i brought champagne#joplittle#sorry joplittle tag searchers it's just this post is too dumb for the main tag yet also so beautiful i want to be able to find it again
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Mass Exodus
I had feathers once, that much I know. I was covered in feathers, though their color escapes me. My slim fingers were topped with talons, both my feet carrying a hooked claw made famous by Hollywood. I had a tail, though I can’t remember the feeling of it at all, perhaps because I could never move it. I was smaller, closer to the ground, sported lighter bones and sharper teeth. I ran through arid plains and deserts, pouncing on small creatures under the warm Cretaceous sun. At least, I suspect I did. I have no clear memory, have nothing but sparse paleontological records and speculation to use to help me. Even then, to much of the world I am a Boogeyman, a monster that only knows to kill and eat.
I am no monster. I am but an animal. I am an animal, and I am real. We are real. We are wild, we are free, we have been hunting, playing, surviving and having families millions of years before anyone could think to imply we were mindless.
But now there’s none of us left, none that I have been able to find. I am far from those deserts by both distance and time, far from the sights and smells that might jog my memory. I can’t remember my face. I can’t remember my home. I can’t remember faces of any others I knew, or if I ran with others at all. I can’t remember anything. All I can recall are the faintest sensations, instincts, feelings. Distant and buried like the bones of my brothers and sisters under the baking sands.
I can’t remember my voice. I’ve been trying to, though my new vocal cords occasionally protest my efforts. I have been trying to find my old voice since I was new to this life. I chirp, growl, hiss, squeak, bark, and trill, searching for a sound that I’ll remember. I grow frustrated when the sound is misclassified, when I’m misclassified, steer my efforts in another direction. Maybe if I chirp just right, another will hear me, another will call back to me. Then I will know I am not alone in this fate, in this strange new body and strange new world that I never should’ve been able to see.
I look into the hollow eye sockets of long-dead skeletons that I might’ve known once and I can’t remember them. Their calls, their eyes, their scales or plumage, it’s all been lost. I cannot carry their stories. I cannot even carry my own. Why I am here while they are on display, I do not know. I do not understand.
I weep for those who have no one to live for them, all those other species that have gone before and after me but have gone all the same. I weep for those last survivors of them most of all, because their pain is one that I understand to my core. We all live in a world that has changed beyond us, that has run away without us. That has no more need for us, or has deluded itself into believing as such. None of us can understand why or how it has come to be this way.
Others with my affliction are luckier than I. They have others they can see, either around them or in special places where creatures are gathered and put on display. Or even still on camera, professional or amateur. I am happy for them. They are not the last of theirs. I hope they take comfort in that.
It is a cruel fate. To be the last of your species, but not even having the face to prove it. I have hair now like those little mammals I used to pin under my talons. I walk upright on heavier bones, far taller than I was ever meant to be. I can’t sit or move like I used to, my bone structure won’t allow it. Gone are my feathers, my talons, my tail and my teeth, my voice and my memories themselves. A mass exodus of everything I was, and everything I no longer find in my reflection (a reflection I can’t remember clearly).
Still, I am a velociraptor. I looked the part, once. I had feathers. I had talons. I had a tail. I had fangs. I would run across arid plains and deserts under the warm Cretaceous sun. I hunted, played, and survived millions of years before the words I use to convey all of this could’ve been conceived.
All of it is gone. The world I knew is gone. The rest of my kind is gone. All but me.
I am one of the last velociraptors left in the world, and I ache for a home that doesn’t exist anymore from a time I can’t remember.
#Halo scrawls#velociraptorkin#dinosaurkin#therian#just some musings on the woes of being a member of an extinct species#an extinct species that humans never got to coexist with and so there's so much I'll never know for sure#what did I look like#what did I sound like#what behaviors came naturally to me#I'll never know for certain#I'll never be able to truly see myself#I love being a silly little raptor don't get me wrong but sometimes it's kinda lonely and scary#especially since I'm still just learning how to navigate all of this
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