#Bipolar 6

[floralcyanide]

𝐄𝐝𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 ⊹ 𝐄𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐋𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐫𝐲

Ethan Landry x Gender Neutral!Reader

Ethan is in love with you. But you aren't real.

warnings: visual and auditory hallucinations, psychosis, bipolar disorder, descriptions of such topics, one-sided feelings (technically)

word count: 1015

author's note: helloooo here is a little thing I wrote. I personally have bipolar disorder and have experienced psychosis. it's terrifying but I'm medicated for it now. I have had auditory hallucinations but have never had visual ones. if you suspect you're in psychosis or feel unsafe, please talk to someone.

masterlist | add yourself to the taglist here

this fic has been cross posted to ao3.

ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴄᴏᴘʏ, ʀᴇᴘʀᴏᴅᴜᴄᴇ, ᴏʀ ᴄʟᴀɪᴍ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋ ᴀs ʏᴏᴜʀs ᴏɴ ᴛᴜᴍʙʟʀ, ᴀᴏ3, ᴡᴀᴛᴛᴘᴀᴅ, ᴏʀ ᴀɴʏ ᴡᴇʙsɪᴛᴇ. ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴘᴇʀᴍɪssɪᴏɴ ᴛᴏ ᴜsᴇ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋs ɪɴ ᴀɪ ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀᴛᴏʀs ᴏʀ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀʀᴛɪғɪᴄɪᴀʟ ɪɴᴛᴇʟʟɪɢᴇɴᴄᴇ. ʏᴏᴜ ᴍᴀʏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴜsᴇ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋs ᴛᴏ sᴇʟʟ ғᴏʀ ᴀs ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴡɴ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴛɪᴏɴ.

Ethan scrubs his scalp, sighing as the hot water hits his back just right. It was late at night, probably in the AM at this point. He had accidentally fallen asleep on the couch and slept the whole evening away. Ethan needed the rest, though. He’s been severely depressed and on the verge of a psychotic episode. His episodes were relatively tame- he would lash out sometimes, but it wasn’t as bad as it used to be. He also had trouble sleeping but would eventually get his sleep routine back in check. Ethan also had weird hallucinations, seeing shadows in the corner of his eye and hearing his name being called when no one was there. And sometimes, although rarely nowadays, he’d see you. But then, shortly after his psychosis ended, you’d be gone.

As Ethan starts conditioning his hair, he hears weird things downstairs again. He chalks it up to his roommate, Chad, being awake still with some of his friends. But then he remembers Chad has an exam in the morning and would be asleep by now. Ethan ignores the sounds, hoping it’s his brain playing tricks on him with the sound of the shower water running. Once he starts running his soap over his body, he hears his name being called.

Ethan yanks the shower curtain open, checking to see if anyone is in the locked bathroom with him. He knows it’s locked because he checked several times, not because of OCD or anything, but because having a roommate means being walked in on if you aren’t careful. Ethan was glad that he only had bipolar disorder and the anxiety, depression, and other symptoms that came with that. He doesn’t know how he’d live having OCD. Bipolar is enough, especially with the super fun psychotic episodes that lasted weeks to months or the mania that was the same way. Ethan is lost in his thoughts as he rinses himself off and almost doesn’t hear his name being called again. Almost.

He sighs and turns off the shower, sliding the curtain open before grabbing his towel. He unlocks and opens the door to see the entire apartment is pitch black. No one is there. He begins to dry himself off, trying to ignore his name being faintly called. Ethan decides he needs to tell his doctor to up his medication dosage when he sees him next week. But the thing is, he doesn’t want to. 

“What do you want?” Ethan whispers to his reflection in the mirror, glancing behind him, waiting for the inevitable.

After waiting a minute, he tears his eyes away from the mirror to get dressed. Once he finishes, he returns to the mirror and nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Took you long enough.”

You’re standing there behind Ethan, just barely visible. Your voice is hushed and almost inaudible. The hallucinations of you that he used to get aren’t nearly as severe anymore. Ethan used to be able to touch you and feel you there. Sometimes he misses that.

“You aren’t supposed to be here, Y/N.”

“I know. But I’m still here, aren’t I?” you lay your head on his shoulder, looking at your reflections in the glass. 

Ethan can no longer feel your chin against his skin, your breath on his neck, or hear your voice quite as loudly as before.

“You’re fading,” Ethan wants to reach up for you, but he knows he won’t feel you there.

The longer he takes his medicine, the less frequent and less intense the hallucinations are. But he needed something stronger for you to go away completely. But he isn’t sure he wants that. He already misses you enough, although he’s starting to learn to live without you now.

“Yeah,” you sigh, pulling away from him, “But I’ll always be here,” you say, pointing at his heart.

Ethan feels his eyes burn with tears. Even though you aren’t real, something about you is. And that will always stay with him. He thinks the death of his brother and what he had done is what conjured you up. A psychotic break. One that was tapering off but still intense enough. But now that Ethan has a therapist, those feelings of unwavering anger, unforgiveness, sadness, grief, denial, and so on aren’t as bad. And when they were was when he’d see you the most.

“Your brother loves you, Ethan,” you say sadly, “He’d want what is best for you, you know.”

“And what would that be?” Ethan asks, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes to force the tears away.

“For you to let go and say goodbye.”

Ethan’s hand flies away from his eyes as they snap open. He looks down at you; you’re as real and visible as ever. Just as you were when you first appeared. Ethan hesitantly reaches out to touch your hair, and he cries when he feels the strands. He knows what you’re insinuating.

“I don’t want to,” Ethan frowns, his eyes looking into yours, drinking in their color because he knows this is the last time he’ll see them again.

“You have to, or you’ll never get better,” you pull Ethan’s hand from your hair and to your face, pressing his palm into your cheek.

You lean into his touch one last time.

“I will always love you,” you whisper.

“I love you too,” Ethan whispers back, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

He sighs, opening his eyes. You’re gone.

When Ethan wakes up the next morning, the apartment is eerily silent. For the first time in months, he doesn’t hear his brain buzzing constantly. And he doesn’t see you or hear you anymore. When Ethan tells his doctor about you, he’s concerned but dismisses it as he is no longer hallucinating. He puts Ethan on something stronger for his bipolar disorder and psychotic episodes. Ethan tells himself this is for his own good, and that you were never real. But the love he felt for you over the last 9 months was real. And he would never take that back.

[wolfisland]

mental health professionals the second you show a shred of self awareness: hmm no i dont think you have that thing you think you have. i think you have depression and anxiety :)

[sentimental-apathy]

I'm so tired of being chronically ill and not being able to be independent because I live in a society that not only makes qualifying for disability benefits extremely difficult to prove but then doesn't even give you access to the necessary resources that could help treat and improve your chronic symptoms in order to make it easier for you to work a job.

[br1ghtestlight]

im always gonna be at risk of developing bipolar disorder bcuz both of my parents have it and mental health reasons But tbh i dont think i ever feel good enough to have manic episodes. like i know theyre horrible and dangerous etc but that is a level of happiness delusion and motivation i dont think i could achieve lmao thats whats saving me. just got regular depression i think (among other problems)

[pigeonguy]

was just alone with my thoughts for 10 minutes, fatal mistake

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

does anybody else think that they dumbed ian and kev down a LOT as the seasons went on for comedic effect

[detentiontrack]

can u talk a little about what meds you take for your bipolar and if they help/side effects u experience?

Absolutely!!! So I’m currently on 3 medications to manage my bipolar and PTSD

Lithium - started taking in 2022. Honestly this works GREAT. It helps with the depression and the rapid cycling (I used to rapid cycle a lot) and the mood swings. People always talk about how many side effects lithium has, but I honestly don’t really notice any at this point. When I first started taking it, I got SUPER nauseous, but after about a month my body got used to it and I didn’t experience any nausea except for when my dose was changed (which also resolved quickly). The only thing I should warn you about with lithium, is that when you first get on it, you’ll have to do a few blood tests to make sure your lithium levels are in the normal range. I think I got about 4 between 2022 & 2023 when I started getting my dose raised. I started on what I think is 600mg (I got put on it at the mental hospital so I’m not 100% sure if that’s the dose I started at) and now I’m on 1200mg and have been since 2023.

Next up is prozac - this is my newest medication. I started taking it for anxiety/PTSD, but I think it’s also helped with my depression. This med has gotten rid of most of my anxiety and panic attacks, and I also experience very minimal side effects. The only ones I can think of is dry mouth/excessive thirst (I always have to keep a drink with me) and (TMI warning) it’s also decreased my sex drive. The only thing I should warn you about is that if you’re bipolar, you need to be REALLY careful with SSRIs. SSRIs are notorious for causing intense mania (my first true manic episode was brought on by Zoloft) so consult with your doctor and make sure they’re aware of treatments for bipolar. I didn’t get manic from the Prozac, but I also started at a really low dose and we raised it gradually over time. (I’m on 20mg now. Started out on 5mg back in October)

Next up Lybalvi - I’m not even kidding when I say this medication saved my life. The first half of 2023, I was dysphorically manic and experiencing some of the worse psychosis I’ve ever experienced (like. I was locked in delusions and hallucinations 24/7. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I heard voices constantly, I genuinely thought God was targeting me specifically and trying to kill me so I was super paranoid and out of it) and my psychiatrist said that either I go back on an antipsychotic, or he was going to send me to the mental hospital again. Lybalvi is a combination of Olanzapine (Zyprexa) and Samidorphan. This medication got rid of ALL of my psychosis, minimized my depression, stopped me from becoming manic, and made it so I didn’t have the negative symptoms of psychosis. It’s the only antipsychotic that has helped me and not made me worse. The only big side effects I’ve noticed are muscle jerks, brain fog (if I take it too late. I’m usually fine if I take it before 9pm), dry mouth/excessive thirst, and a LOT of weight gain. The samidorphan is supposed to make it so that you don’t gain weight, but I gained around 60lbs from April 2023-January 2024. But even knowing what I know now, I would still choose to take it because it’s really helped so much. It’s because of this med that I’ve been hospital free for almost 2 years and I’m able to have a normal life and balance school and work and all that stuff. Don’t be scared of the med because of the weight gain side effect. It’s better to buy new pants in a few sizes up than it is to be in and out of the mental hospital every few months. I started on 5 or 10mg and now I take 15mg.

[nebulousboops]

I need the blue british tumblr sexymen to meet. ADHD and autism solidarity. My favorite men with mental disorders of the acronym BPD. I am cringe but I am free.

[arionawrites]

decided to make a list of all my diagnosed issues and like fucking. god damn. how am i just living day to day.

[loumauve]

the goddamn toast water post just made me utter "history is fucking real" in the most solemn and serious tone of voice, out loud, to myself, in the goddamn bathtub

[aethernightmare]

I need more people to understand that telling someone they need to give up every shred of happiness in order to not be homeless - to sacrifice all their hobbies, all their friends, any chance at a relationship/family, and all of their free time, to the point it destroys their overall health, is just a recipe for suicide.

You're not actually getting me to "work harder" every time you punish me in such a manner. You're just increasing the likelihood of me making the final judgement that life isn't worth living anymore.

If I can't afford to live in a van down by the river, let alone a basic-ass studio apartment, despite working anywhere between full-time to 70+ hours a week, then maybe it's time to acknowledge I am not the issue here. Rent inflation is.

I already work a decently paying college job, and it's still not enough. I could eliminate all spending and try to live entirely off ramen noodles, and it still wouldn't be enough. I could sell everything I have (which isn't much) and it still wouldn't be enough. Moving farther out isn't an option because nowhere in my state is currently affordable, and the farther out you go, the less you get paid. I have no kids and no other debts, and it's still not enough.

If the only reason you're able to stay afloat right now is because you were gifted/inherited property, or were able to secure property prior to either the 2008 or 2020 housing crisis, then you're not a better citizen than everyone else, you're just lucky.

I was a minor in 2008. I was homeless multiple times between 2010-2018, prior to finally being able to get my own place, despite still working full-time. (A lot of which had to do with abusive parents and an lying, manipulative ex). And while I had my own apartment prior to the pandemic, and during portions of it, the lack of renter protections meant my landlord tripled my rent without consequence. And when my landlord died (of Covid), everyone who lived there got evicted so that they could up-sell the building into weekly rentals for the super rich tourists.

[supersourwoofwoofbud]

I made a little Wally Darling and I really wish I took pictures after I carved him~. ( The first two pics are screenshots from my roommate yt video we did together. )

Because now my Wally Darling looks one of the scream mask that yelling at you~, and I am dying and can't even right now~. It's was so cute and now it's rotting in hilariously horrifying ways~.

But Happy All Hollows Eve~, may your day be full of nifty tricks and tasty treats~. And may your jack-o-lantern's glow in glory~, be safe out there all and every being~.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[kenobihater]

GIRL. THIS WAS ON A VIDEO ABOUT GALLAVICH 💀💀💀

[abri-chan]

lithium still holds up as a good song wow

[dykethang]

when my mental health is good. it's soooooo good. and when it's bad. it's catastrophically bad. what's with that