#BUT FOR THE SAKE OF COMEDY LEMME HAVE THIS

[productofaritual]

Love how the scene during the Osiron planetoid when Ranboo and Tubbo are talking Ranboo literally fucking pulls out Tubbo's trauma after Tubbo asked him about school. Like that's the conversation equivalent of being poked with a butter knife and pulling out a shotgun

[salmonight]

Ra's vs. The Evil Overlord List

or AKA Ra's finding the Evil Overlord List and making use of it to become a better and more devious overlord

So in my random rant my mind came up with idea and latched onto it's absolute high comedy potential so lemme just stash out all the wonderful wonderful scenarios my mind managed to come up with for Ra's to drive the bats mad

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. : The bats break into Ra 's throne room ready for a full fight, weapons ready, stances turned so they’re blocking each other's blind spots only... for Ra's to seem disgruntled instead of smug or outraged. They are only made aware of another presence when Ra's turns to the...playpen!?? next to his throne to address the toddler happily playing there by themselves "Tell me little one, were my plans and codes this terrible?" and they watch on with horrified fascination as the toddler goes on and points out the most ridiculous and childish points to be faulted with his plans that the bats made good use of to get here and to their stunned surprise Ra's doesn't go into a rage because his plans got ridiculed by a literal toddler but has a disgruntled but all the same pleased look on his face as if stunned his idea actually worked and addresses the child once again "Well done my little advisor, this great work calls for a reward of ice cream after dinner" as the toddler cheers joyfully swinging the toy held in their hands happily in the air, all the bats simultaneously check themselves for drugs finding no such a luck

142. If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches  into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil  Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids: Bruce in his full Batman regalia breaks down Ra's bedroom door only to find him holding... a toddler once again. Only this time the toddler seems to resemble both of them a bit too much for it to be a coincidence. Bruce is even more stunned when Ra's looks at him, face not giving anything away all the while his eyes gleam mischievously. Before Bruce could prepare himself for anything Ra's would throw his way Ra's opens his mouth "Well not like it is an unpleasant turn of events but what do I owe the pleasure of the great detective coming to visit me in person?" Bruce manages to snap back into the situation and growls out with a low threatening voice "Don't play coy with me Ra's. You know well enough what you did. Now you can come with me peacefully or we can do this the hard way" he says while preparing for the imminent showdown not expecting the following words coming out of his opponent’s mouth "Well great detective while don't you explain to my darling grandson why you would want to hurt his poor poor fragile grandfather" the shock of the words make his eyes snap to the small child held loosely in the immortal's arms looking at him with their big green eyes. Body locked, mind frozen he tries to bluster up an answer for the tiny innocent child's sake only for them to pull a string Bruce never paid mind to. The floor opens under them, and they fall, not having time to jump out of the way, only barely stopping themselves from landing in the water full of...crocodiles!? with a batarang stabbed into the stone walls. And still in the room little Damian let out an utterly happy and mildly feral but all the while blinding smile seeing his scheme work. He bounced in Ra's lap happily while he looked down indulgently. After all, this was his grandson's first successful scheme against his father. This is in order of a celebration. Maybe he could get his grandson some more crocodiles; he seemed to adore them immensely with their deadly beauty and fierce disposition, Ra’s mused as he walked off with his grandson buzzing in excitement held in his arms not sparing a thought for the man stuck in the hole, in the middle of his room, with a bunch of hungry predators.

158. I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad: Tim steals a file labeled as one of Ra’s super-bad-if-it-actually-goes-trough plans only.. For it to be a copy of a hand written recipe of kabsa instead of the supposed plans of action. It’s a copy of Ra’s grandma’s  great recipe book. He watches in great enjoyment through the cameras as the realization sets in, saving the glorious moment with a well timed screenshot of the feed to be safely tucked away into his folder of epic bat fails.

[blistering-typhoons]

Okay, so I watched one or two Rathbone Holmes stories back in high school and decided I didn't like Nigel Bruce, but I've also seen you talking positively about the Rathbone Holmes movies/ episodes. If you're willing, can you say why you like them and/ or which you would recommend starting on? Is it a series to watch in broadcast order, or are they more stand-alone? Which ones are your favorite? I want to give it a second chance.

hiya, thanks for the ask :D adding a cut here cuz this post got realllyyy outta hand- so so sorry xD

I wanna preface by saying that I totally get the frustration of Nigel Bruce Watson- as much as I've come to care for this portrayal, there are still moments of disappointment? I feel? Mostly once you see all the potential in him before it gets unceremoniously dumbed down for the sake of comedy, and it can be trying sometimes, but I've learned to breeze past those moments and! There are definitely movies where he shines brighter than others! In the end, you may warm up to him or you may not, but I fully commend you on taking another chance :D

I did not really start off in broadcast order (my ass still hasn't seen rathbone and bruce's HOUN- bloody disgraceful lmao) and mostly watched in order of vibes, which seems to have worked out alright xD

I started off with Scarlet Claw, and after rewatching it this morning, I feel like it's an alright place to start! It's a good sort of mystery and there was enough element of equal partnership to get me invested in Holmes and Watson. But, I'd say it's still pretty lukewarm, enjoy it as I do, so to compound this long ass post lemme throw a list at you real quick of rathbone movies i strongly recommend-

The Pearl of Death:

Starting off with Pearl of Death not only for the 'Watson gathers the braincells' quality but because it's one of the genuine classics in the series- a brilliantly crafted movie from start to finish, and in my opinion, one of the better shot ones. This one is a good start, it's a bit slow in some places, but it's a good, neutral film that showcases I think some of the more concrete themes and brilliancy of the movies.

House of Fear:

I honestly dunno if I'm biased about this one, but it is genuinely one of my favourite movies of all time. It's the very second one I watched, and it's still in my nighttime viewing collection- I fall asleep watching this movie, which is a compliment I swear. Watson has a more active role, is genuinely trying his best for most of the runtime and falls more in line with 'genuine failure to succeed' more than just 'bungled it up for a gag'. It's a really, really excellent mystery and I adore Holmes and Watson's dynamic throughout- 10/10, freaking banger movie.

Pursuit to Algiers:

Then, of course, the Big Daddy herself- Pursuit to Algiers. This one falls less in line with a mystery (our baddies become pretty clear at one point) and more suspense, but man is that a good thing. The dang thing takes place on a boat for most of it, Holmes and Watson are attached to eachother like pairbonded shelter dogs and have the most balanced, affectionate of interactions, Watson gets to sing! And not to give away any spoilers (yeah shush, i know the movie's old) but a particular plot point happens in this movie and as a result, Nigel Bruce gets to do a genuinely heartbreaking piece of acting- seriously, there is a shot where he goes out onto the deck, completely silent of music and just looks out into the ocean that still has me unwell even after all this time. Goofy moments still happen in the movie, but they feel more organic, and overall there is a wonderfully grounded approach to Watson here- he's still silly, but it's a fun silly, and a silly that Holmes indulges in with him. The depth of affection between these two is ASTOUNDING in this movie, bloody unhinged behaviour. Great movie, do watch it :D

I'd say those three are, at least in my opinion, the best of the best! I do enjoy the others, but I think it best to venture into those once an affection has been developed, they do strain the patience a bit at times I'm afraid. (And it goes without saying, some of the movies have a definite propaganda vibe to them, which is charming sometimes and sometimes just grating, really depends on the day i think- none of the three movies listed above fall under this category though- and the of course, general warning for all the really poorly aged 1940s stuff, but you know that :>)

Except The Spider Woman. In really the bluntest of terms, fuck that movie, all my homies hate The Spider Woman, do NOT watch it (i'm only half joking, oh god its so bad)

Anyways, uh, sorry lmao-

I really must thank you for letting me put this incredibly useless knowledge to use, I'm so goddamn sorry it came out in this absolute massive scrawl- I wish you all the luck in your rathbone holmes adventure, and I hope you have an illuminating time either way it goes for you :D

[some-pers0n]

So about that ask game you reblogged abt an hour ago

Opinions on The Spy TF2?

Ah, lemme think.

Favourite thing

I am in love with how in-game his disguise is just a mask with the class he's disguised as. It's so stupid and dumb and funny. In the lore it's probably just him being disguised as the character regularly without any mask, but it's still so funny. I also adore every gag of him ever where he's disguised as an object and has the object on that mask. It's priceless.

Least favourite thing

I do wish we got more information about him. I get his whole appeal is that he's this mysterious guy and all, but I do wish we got to explore his past a little. I think there's a lot of potential for James Bond type stuff there.

Favourite line

"26 years ago, I dropped a 'sex bomb' on your mother." I love it both for the comedy of it and also because UAGHHUAHHH HE'S TELLING SCOUT HE'S HIS FATHERRRR WAILING

brOTP

I think Sniper and Spy are really great friends. They get along quite well, despite their occasional squabbles. I don't think of them in a romantic sense, even if they are quite intimate and close. Good friends. I also really like Spy and Pyro. They're cute buds.

OTP

Hm, it's a toss up between Freedom Fries (Soldier/Spy), Practical Espionage (Spy/Engie), and Spoovy (Spy/Heavy). I also like Spy/Sniper in a romantic sense, but personally I prefer it platonic. Spy is a very shipable character.

nOTP

Well there's the obvious forbidden ship, which is a clear and obvious pick-me answer. Normal people should hate that ship. Uhhh,,other than that? I dunno.

Random headcanon

Utter coffee snob. He's pretentious and has like $50,000 dollars worth of equipment to make his prissy little mocha fraps.

Unpopular opinion

Spy isn't a jerk. Snobby and pretentious? Absolutely. I wouldn't say he's particularly rude though. No more rude and antagonistic than the others during their voice lines. In fact, canon material goes against this. He tries to organize a little bucket list thing before they all die. He spends what he believes to be his last few days alive helping Scout try and get a date with Miss Pauling. He is willing to do a suicide pact with Pauling so that they get out of being tortured to death. He sticks around with Scout after they're all fired to keep him and his mother afloat. Hell, he gives Scout closure when he seems to be on the verge of death. I think people assume French = jackass which means he's constantly insulting people and rude. No, he's not.

Song I associate with them

OUghhHH,, that's a hard one to think. Something Stupid by Frank Sinatra. I associate a lot of 1950s songs with him, and Frank Sinatra is perfectly romantic for a guy like him. I also think that him and Scout's Ma hooking up came around from him developing feelings for somebody he shouldn't have, for their own sake. He loved her dearly. Still does even after all these years. But, he can't commit. He doesn't want to settle down. He wants that honeymoon phase to last forever.

Favourite picture

Something about this picture is just really sweet to me. I think a lot of people forget about this comic and how Spy interacts with the boy, which makes me sad since he's...not that bad with him, ya know?

[setaflow]

10 Characters, 10 Fandoms, 10 Tags

Good morning!

Tagged by @ghostoffuturespast on my main blog and both @seeker-of-truth and @ouroboros-hideout on my sideblog-- for the sake of keeping everything jointed I'll post this on my main lol.

Buckle in folks this one's a doozy.

Connor Kenway/Ratonhnhaké:ton (Assassin's Creed III)

Even as the years go by, Connor was the character I made a Tumblr account for and pretty much the only reason I bother still paying attention to Assassin's Creed as a franchise anymore. I was there, man. I was there when everyone in the fandom and their mothers hated this guy, but I will still defend him even with my goddamn life. Characters that go through intense tragedy after intense tragedy and still come out the other side gentle and optimistic are my lifeblood.

2. Johnny Silverhand (Cyberpunk 2077)

(People who follow me for my sideblog make a Surprised Pikachu Face at this placement) My gross rat bastard man I love you I hate you I love you. An intensely tortured character with arguably more negative personality traits than positive ones, but who he is and even why he is is so engaging and tragic that you almost forget he's supposed to be getting on your nerves for most of the game's runtime. Damn you Keanu Reeves and your effortless dorky charisma.

3. Arthur Morgan (Red Dead Redemption 2)

Arthur baby you deserved the world. An insanely complex character with gray morals and a jaded worldview who could never do right no matter how hard he tried until the one moment where it mattered most. I loved John in RDR1 and didn't really expect to get so attached to Arthur, but R* truly did grab me by the shoulders and said "Bet, bitch". To this day, the fact that I never finished that 200k+ word OC fic disguised as an Arthur character study still haunts me.

4. Korra (Avatar: The Legend of Korra)

As someone who'd watched the original Last Airbender series as it aired when I was a kid, I was super excited for a female Avatar when the series was announced back in...god, was I in high school? The point being-- when the show started really hitting it's stride with Korra's character in season 3 I was beyond hooked, and I loved season 4 probably a lot more than I think I should've, but MAN, was it a fun ride. Korra is a character and a show that both got severely panned and honestly I think once you get out of the mindset that you aren't watching Aang 2.0 you'll have a much funner time.

5. Steve Harrington (Stranger Things)

Maybe not as much in later seasons when they really leaned off his popularity + Joe Keery's charisma, but lemme tell y'all season 2 Steve had me in a bonafide stranglehold for two years. "Character stepping up to a leadership role and then getting forcibly adopted by the people they're leading" is one of my favorite tropes and the reason that it worked so well in S2 is partly because the concern of Steve still kinda/sorta had the potential to swing back towards being the bully archetype he showed shades of in S1, so you got to see his relationship with the kids start off as kinda selfish but grow into a genuine protectiveness. GOD this was a top tier man y'all! We had it so good!

6. Rosa Diaz (Brooklyn 99)

Maybe this is coming off the fact that my roommate and I literally just finished binge watching B99 for like the fifth time? But I forgot how much I actually really liked Rosa. One of the best sitcom deadpan snarkers of recent years and I personally liked that they affirmed that she didn't need to see herself settling down to be happy. I'm glad this role basically launched Stephanie Beatriz's career because she truly is the unsung hero of this show's comedy and heart and never really gets enough credit for it imho.

7. Melissa Schemmenti (Abbott Elementary)

Every single time I watch Abbott Elementary. Every. Single. Time. Someone looks at me when Schemmenti appears on screen and goes "Wow, she acts a lot like you do!". And I have to sigh and nod and pretend I don't see it lol. Though unfortunately our differing football opinions means we would probably end up in a fistfight.

8. Takashi "Shiro" Shirogane (Voltron: Legendary Defender)

I will never forgive the VLD showrunners for dropping a nuke on Shiro's character development. Seasons 1-2 Shiro was some of most fun I've ever had following a protagionist's journey to conquer his inner struggles and solely for that, I still have a massive soft spot for him. Dreamworks think about how you massacred my boy and feel bad for it.

9. Benjamin "Benji" Ovich (Beartown Series)

This gif is from the HBO Nordic series (haven't watched it, desperately still want to, don't know if I even can at this point lol), but I'm specifically talking about Benji from the Beartown book trilogy. He evolves into the series deuteragonist alongside Maya and god, he is just such a tragic character who deserves all the world and more. Go read Beartown and scream at me for it.

10. Joey Tribbiani (Friends)

"Characters I See a Lot of Myself In 2: Electric Boogaloo". Joey is the best friend in the entire cast there I said it. Honestly my ideal relationship is a funny overly-assured man who loves the New York Rangers, loves his friends intensely, and has dumb himbo energy. The loud Italian family is just an added bonus.

Uhhhhh who hasn't been tagged yet sorry guys I was late to the party on this one lmao.

[katsuflossy]

heyy! can you please do headcanons of kaminari, bakugou and shinso (sep.) dealing with a s/o with an attitude? like they have to put them in their place and the s/o just goes “🤐” afterwards. thank you! 💓

Dealing with a s/o with an attitude and putting them in place

Pairings: Kirishima Eijiro x reader, Shinsou Hitoshi x reader, Bakugo Katsuki x reader.

A/N: I’ve been waiting for this one! As a girl with tumultuous amounts of attitude lemme test my skill in this. I hope you liked it 😉

TW: Suggestive themes, obscenities

Taglist: @sunset-novice-writer @goatsenpaiultimate

⛑ Oh boy

⛑ Attitude with Kirishima? But he’s baby 🥺

⛑ Your attitude hardly phases him. He just teases you and calls you cute

⛑ Especially if you’re smaller than him, he just pats your head and coos at how adorably miserable you are.

⛑ “Aww (Y/n) you’re RBF is so cute!”

⛑ “I literally have the face of a sociopath ready to kill and you’re going to call me cute? Did you leave your brain in your dorm?”

⛑ It’ll have to build up for him to react.

⛑ He’s Bakugou best friend after all

⛑ So you’ve been throwing attitude all day. You just woke up in a bad mood that’s all.

⛑ At breakfast, he tried to hug you and you shove him off.

⛑ The whole day you’re sucking your teeth and rolling your eyes at everyone including him.

⛑ Then he said he was going to study with Bakugo today instead of you.

⛑ Gurl��

⛑ “Alright then, go off and study with your boyfriend.”

⛑ He turned his figure around to leave, shrugging at what you said. However, the next second your back is firmly against the wall. His left palm makes a large bang on the wall close to your ear. Meanwhile, his right hand on your hips pressed you back against the surface.

⛑ He brings his nose to your ear and whispers “I get it, baby, you’re upset but after studying I can spend all night with you. That good?”

⛑ Sir do you know what you’re doing to the poor reader?

⛑ The new name is Great Dam of Marib cause you’re whet.

⛑ He pulls away from your speechless figure with a little glint in his eye. But as you see it, it goes away and his smile is as innocent as a newborn.

⛑ “Well, I’ll see you later babe.” He goes off with a peck to your lips, like he didn’t do anything.

🎆 Knew you were sassy af

🎆 That’s what drew him to you.

🎆 You even sass Aizawa to the point where he just gave up trying to fix your attitude.

🎆 But it’s sometimes cute. He riles you up even more when you start acting up.

🎆 “Shinsou, for fuck sake can you move?”

🎆 “And if I don’t?”

🎆 “BRUH MOVE-”

🎆 But certain times it doesn’t work with Shinsou

🎆 Turns a black mother when your attitude is on a hundred.

🎆 How do you come into his own room to disrespect him?

🎆 You ain’t pay any bills in here (neither does he but whatever).

🎆 Come in rolling your eyes and grumbling after the music that he was playing before you even walked in.

🎆 “Ayo, turn that shit down. Why tf you always blaring that trash ass shit.”

🎆 “...excuse me?”

🎆 Mind you, he gave you a second chance to come correct… and you didn’t take it.

🎆 “Did I stutter? You-” Should’ve just said I’m sorry, now your ass is brainwashed.

🎆 “Stand up and come over here.”

🎆 The only thing in your mind is “oh fuck I’m about to get it now”

🎆 His smirk was so sinister yet so attractive but today’s punishment wasn’t the one you were expecting.

🎆 He put his lips to your ear only to whisper “Go to the bathroom and douse yourself in cold water.

🎆 As soon as you turned the shower knob, he removed his quirk effects from you, ensuring you feel and remember the chilling ice water run down from your neck to your heels. You’re so shocked and cold you can’t even curse him out

🎆 Even after he’s smirking in your face, faking concern as he asked “Did that cool you down enough?”

🎆 He cares for you after, drying you himself and wrapping the both of you in a large blanket as he puts on your favorite series.

💥 The epitome of attitude himself

💥 If there was a god of attitude and sass...he shall be that deity.

💥 Comebacks and sass are thrown around all day every day. It’s comedy and torture for the Bakusquad.

💥 “-And that’s why yall are extras and I’m going to be number one hero.”

💥 “Who the fuck asked bozo.”

💥 “Alright, blockhead because where tf you came into this!”

💥 “Blockhead?! Say the one with a forehead as textured as a brick!”

💥 On today’s show of “Why (Y/n) got an attitude?” we see Bakugo blowing off his s/o last minute because they challenged the blonde to a handstand competition… I repeat a handstand competition.

💥 Reader is big mad.

💥 He’s in your room as you’re doing your hair, talking about how they have the nerve to challenge him. Meanwhile, all you’re doing is rolling your eyes and looking in the mirror, focusing on your hair.

💥 To piss you off, even more, he pats your back and says “Well, I’m off.”

💥 You finally break.

💥 “Quit patting my back like I’m your homeboy. I’m not finding myself down there with y’all little sweaty boys.”

💥 As you turn around to focus on your task, he presses against you, whispering in your ear.

💥 “My sweaty ass will see you in my room after I blast all the dickheads into oblivion.”

💥 His palm crackled in warning as he smacks your ass with a ferocity that left you speechless.

💥 A little gasp makes him smirk as he put his hands in his pocket and left.

💥 Your face, as hot as pancakes off the grill, unable to make a comeback because you liked it.

[brokentoys]

I’ve talked about how villains are written. But upon watching someone talk about Batw0man. And thinking about how Ed is oftentimes portrayed in comics... the Rule of Funny is also a trope and inconsistent type of writing authors should also be very wary of. Y’all probs know what “Rule of Funny” is... because lemme just explain real quick; it’s basically when something is inconsistent just for the sake of a joke. Most commonly, a character may act... out of character in order to tell a joke. (Examples would be if a character like Eddie says/asks something stupid. The joke would be funny, but it wouldn’t be in character for Eddie to say something stupid, and thus discarding his character for the sake of Comedy.)

Whilst the Rule of Funny can work for sitcoms - because in the end, most sitcoms are just there to make you laugh and not much more. But however... when it does come to something like Dee Cee content where it does have humor - but also has serious scenes. In media like this, when you have a character do something inconsistent for the sake of comedy... it just feels like lazy and poor writing. And I can see why it would come off as annoying to viewers than it would funny. And I do agree. I think if you want to be funny with a scene, or character - a character’s portrayal shouldn’t be sacrificed for it. Jokes just have to be rewritten in order to better fit the character.

[sapphiretsuki]

Surprise! Gift Time!

This is something I wrote while sitting next to the intended receiver. I took incredible joy in answering her questions about what I was writing with a smug “None of your business” when it was in fact very much her business. I’m kinda proud of this beast. I got a little out of control with the word count but whatevers clever right? So, without further ado, @channiesmixtape​ , this is a gift for you. I’m SO proud of the leaps and bounds you make with your writing every day and with your undying belief that I’m some sort of incredible writer. It means so much to me. (Please don’t hate me if I didn’t do your baby justice, I TIRED!) It’s untitled as of this very second, because I’m just not witty enough at this hour, but I’ll add one later when the inspiration returns.

Pairing: Bang Chan x Y/N (neighbors, enemies to lovers)

Word count: 6511 (I swear I didn’t mean to!)

Smut, masturbation, oral (m/f), unprotected sex, talk of condoms, wine, comedy, sass. If I forgot anything particularly bothersome, lemme know and I’ll fix it. Cr. to google for the lovely pic also.

It had been such a bad day all you wanted to do was go home and curl up with some wine and pet your cat and not emerge from your comfort cocoon for days if you could help it. Your boss was a total thunder cunt. People apparently lacked any form of common sense. Basic decency was no where to be found from anyone at all today. You missed a package because the tracking info was incorrect, so now you were going to have to squeeze that into your Monday somehow. Great. Thank fuck it was Friday.

You unlocked the door to your apartment and chucked the keys in the general direction of the kitchen as you were slipping your black pumps off. Your cat, Whispurr, was doing his daily dance around your ankles now that you were home and could tend to his kingly nature. Oh you loved that little butthole. Even though he threw up on the floor and started your days spiral into the land of what in the actual fuck when you stepped in it. He was still basically all you had and asshole or not he was there for you in his weird catty way. "Hey buddy, I'll get you some food in just a sec. Lemme just slip out of these terrible hose and I'll be right back." You leaned down and gave him a little scratch under his chin for good measure before nodding and heading to your room.

Once in your room you wasted no time at all peeling the awful pantyhose from your legs. Somebody had decided that full on business attire was a must today for the outings to meet with clientele and so you were forced to leave the comfort of your pants and blazer for something 'more feminine' as your boss had put it. She had absolutely no idea and it killed you every time she opened her mouth. The amount of time you spent covering for her and cleaning up behind her with clients all day since she'd decided to leave the office and 'tag along' to 'express her thanks' was exhausting. In the midst of peeling off the hose you decided that a nice scalding shower would be the start of your fix-it list for the evening. You finished undressing and threw a robe on before tiptoeing back to the kitchen.

Cat and then clean. That was absolutely the correct order, because your cat would most certainly do something heinous in retaliation if you neglected to feed him in a timely manner. You're sure his level of sass would put actual royalty to shame. He showed up on your balcony one night a few years ago as a drowned puff that you were both unsure how he got there or if he was going to make it. A few vet visits and some paycheck to paycheck living for a bit and here he was. A permanent resident. The freeloading roommate as it were. You put his food in his bowl and added a little extra something just because. You had a feeling he was gonna need some buttering up to be your cuddle buddy while you downed wine and watched terrible Netflix.

You traipsed down the hallway and made your way into the bathroom, neglecting to grab anything to change into since you figured the robe was more than enough for a session on the couch with the remote and a glass. You cranked the shower to scalding and decided you were going to unwind in the tub after you scrubbed off. Bless the water heaters in your complex, you paid enough for the damn utilities, that knob also got turned to hot and you tossed in a bomb and some dry flower stuff your friend swore by. It smelled good and thats really all your tired body cared about in that moment. After stepping into the shower and relishing in the heat meant to melt the skin off lesser mortals, you lathered up your loofah and scrubbed like there was a fire in the building and you needed to get out. The same speed was applied to your hair, which left you free and clear to melt into the tub and not move until the water was cold if you chose.

Feeling moderately better than you did when you walked in the door, you decided music was an excellent companion for a good soak and set about cranking the volume on your phone and hitting the shuffle button before laying it on the counter. The tenor voice of the man singing that began pouring out of the phone speaker immediately had you feeling the pangs of need and you squeezed your legs together as you pursed your lips in thought. It had been quite some time since you'd had a casual lay. Partly because your last friend with benefits turned into some sort of possessive psycho and partly because your newish neighbor was insufferable and somehow always managed to ruin your recent date situations. You were convinced the universe had conspired against you and the root of it was your stupid and ridiculously hot neighbor, Christopher. He hated when you called him that and it served him right.

Resigning yourself to the fact that you were just going to have to be your own relief tonight, you sunk into the tub and let the silky water wash over your tired and needy body. One song melted into another and you couldn't resist the urge to reach down and take care of your sudden desire. You knew if you let it be you'd just be miserable later and the whole mission this evening was following the theme of fix it. Not one to be anything less than straightforward, you began to slip your fingers into your doubly slick folds and stroked a little before you felt entirely too impatient to drag the process out. You hooked your fingers into your warm channel and began to stroke and scissor your fingers while your thumb pressed firm circles on your clit. You hoped the music and sloshing sounds from the water were enough to cover the sounds of what it was you were doing since the walls weren't the greatest in the bathroom area in terms of thickness. Shared plumbing and all that. You were so close to completion, right on the precipice of sweet release when you heard a loud crash in your apartment the general direction of your living room.

You quickly wrap a towel around your body and then make your way as swiftly to the front of your apartment as wet feet would allow. You skipped flipping lights on in favor of the element of surprise. Heart just about thumping out of your chest, you round the corner and turn on a single light, but don't see anything apparently out of place. It dawns on you at that moment that you are still essentially dripping wet and flew to the scene of some nonexistent crime practically naked. What if someone had been standing there waiting? You heart rate spikes at the thought and you felt anxious again. So much for your relaxing bath. Deciding you'd investigate the cause of the sound more closely after you felt more secure, you turned to make your way back down the hallway to put some clothes on, there was no way you were just going to be lounging in only a robe after that ordeal. The idea crossed your mind that perhaps you should double check the lock on the door at the very least, and ever the indecisive individual, you turn again and head towards the door instead. As you near the door you hear something and stop dead in your tracks. It sounded like feet on the concrete and now your heart was ratcheting it's way into your throat.

Completely convinced now that someone had in fact been in your house, you began to hatch a wild plan. With a burst of courage that was probably completely unfounded, you grabbed a vase off the console table nearby and in a rush flung the door open with a shout. "Who the fuck are you and what were you doing in my home?!" You screeched as you made to throw the potentially deadly item at the perpetrator. Much to your dismay, you hadn't remembered your current state of mostly undress and as you went to throw the vase your towel decided it had had enough and fell. What happened next could only be something from a terrible comedy and as you attempted to snatch at the only barrier between you and semi public indecency you somehow got tangled up and not only failed to throw the vase you ended up on the floor sans towel and with your bare ass exposed to whoever was standing there, glass all around you.

"Woah sweetheart, woah!" You'd know that accent anywhere. Of all the people that could have been on the other side of your door, why him? Why the man that in equal measures infuriated you and was the star of many restless nights and wet dreams. Anger was at the forefront and as you scrambled to retrieve your cover you spat at him "Christopher you have less than five seconds to explain yourself, and for fucks sake quit gawking at me! What in the hell are you doing here? Were you in my apartment?"

"Slow down little lady, I was not in your apartment." He said while waving his hands in front of himself to signal that he wasn't a threat. Those same hands that you found your eyes fixated on on more than one occasion, including now. Shaking the thought away you asked "Then what the hell are you doing? And don't try to tell me you weren't outside my door, I heard you pacing." He had the decency to look a little sheepish at that, and while you secured the towel around yourself he said "Your lights were all off but I heard a loud crash and worried that something happened here." It made sense, but you were still angry. And embarrassed. Not only had he seen you completely naked,  he looked completely unbothered while you were still contemplating his long fingers and stupid beautiful face and body and damn it you were staring again. Of course he showed up in a pair of grey sweats that left you sweating yourself. And was he shirtless? Could this day get any worse? You just wanted to get to that bottle of wine and curl up into a ball and hope that the earth opened up and swallowed you whole. Shaking off the stupor once again you remembered your second problem, namely the glass that was now all around you from your valiant attempt at thief catching. You were going to have to ask for his help up.

Gritting your teeth you prepared yourself for the inevitable smug look you knew he was going to sport when you opened your mouth to ask him for something. "Christopher, would you mind helping me up, I'm kind of, uh, stuck here."  You knew it was coming, but nothing could ever prepare you for the damn dimple. Stupid attractive man. "Now sweetheart," he drawled, "Is that really any way to ask someone for help? And I believe I've told you many times to call me Chan."  Fine if he was going to be stubborn, you could also be stubborn. You looked up to him standing in your doorway and in the most saccharine voice you could muster, you cocked your head to the side and said "Channie, I really need help up. Can you help me please?" He audibly gulped and you counted that as two wins because finally the bastard was showing something other than a ridiculous level of cocky charm, and now he should have no qualms with helping you.

He took too long to move and you figured he was plotting again, so being the headstrong brat that you were you started to move yourself. As you were about to plant your palm on the ground next to you he suddenly snatched your arm with  warning, " That's dangerous, just let me help you foolish woman." It was your turn to flounder as the feeling of his palm wrapped around your slim arm felt like fire and suddenly there were no more smart comebacks because you felt breathless. In one swift motion he pulled you to your feet and and then swept you literally off your feet. He had you in a firemans hold and began to make his way into your apartment, carefully dodging the shards of glass. Was your heart going to catch a break tonight? What was with this turn of events. He must have noticed your shiver because he picked up the pace and set you down gently on the other side of the disaster zone. "Go put some clothes on you must be freezing, I'll sweep this up. Where do you keep your broom?"

You wanted to protest. You really wanted him far away because you were on fire and didn't think you could even begin to have a normal interaction in your current state without being a complete mess. Breathless is how you felt, and the only saving grace is that he thought you were cold, not terribly turned on. Hell, you were still trying to process the feel of being pressed against that body almost nude yourself. Instead fuckery appeared and logical words came out. Well you weren't stuttering at least. "It's in the kitchen in the closet. I really appreciate your help, I was going to have a glass of wine to take the edge off my bad day, would you like one also? As uh, thanks for your help?" You sounded meek and you wanted to kick yourself. All of the adrenaline was gone and you were left with a weird mixture of relief and panic for a completely different reason now. He must have misunderstood because all he said with his back to you, already on a mission to help you again, was "Y/N. Go put some clothes on." You must have sounded weak to him when you said okay because he turned and his features softened. "I'll still be here when you come out, it's okay now, you're safe."

You didn't feel safe though as you padded back to your room in search of clothes. You felt rattled and hot.Your own body was set to betray you. Did the air conditioner break or something? It was just your neighbor helping you out. Your gorgeous neighbor. With a voice that should have been relegated to hotlines. Neighbors were friendly, right? What were you expecting anyways, it's not like you guys were the nicest to each other regularly. That's right, he himself must revel in your pain since he constantly was the source of dates ending on your doorstep and never amounting to more. His timing was something else. You realized you'd been standing in the middle of your room for too long and moved to put clothes on. Digging through your drawers you grabbed a super lacy pair of panties along with some shorts and a large t-shirt. You weren't trying to impress anyone, but underwear should always be beautiful was your policy. there was nothing wrong with a little self indulgence.

Perhaps you could call it a new beginning of sorts with him tonight. The extension of an olive branch in the form of a friendly glass of wine should aid that. Yes, friendly. You needed to pull yourself together and get your head out of the gutter. It didn't matter how wet he made your panties since there was very obviously no way that was ever gonna go anywhere. Shaking all thoughts of risque situations away, you took a towel to your hair and gave it a quick rub down before grabbing your brush from the vanity and tackling your tangles. Feeling a little less hot and a little bit more brave you made your way back down the hallway toward the kitchen to assess the damage and test your newfound bravery with the man who starred in a lot of your fantasies. You weren't going there. Nope. Nuh-uh. Olive branches. That's what you would focus on.

You quietly approached the kitchen granting yourself one tiny moment to enjoy the view of Chan's back muscles as you saw him putting the broom back in the closet. He really should put a shirt on. "So, whats the damage?" You called out to get his attention. He spun on his heel and looked you up and down. You could swear you saw something in his eyes, but refusing to play into any delusions, you pressed onward, "everything okay in here? You didn't happen to see what the mysterious crash was all about did you?" He rubbed the back of his neck and dammit his abs, and that delicious v that trailed down into those wretched sweats he was wearing, and were you drooling? What the fuck. You quickly rubbed your mouth with the back of your hand and hoped he hadn't noticed. "Well a bit of bad news, sugar, your cat, quite charming little guy by the way, or maybe thats just his drunk showing?" He scratched his chin and made a face that reminded you of that stupid thinking emoji and you bit back a smile. "Well, your cat appears to have acquired a taste for the red, bit of a lush it seems. He either knocked your bottle down or it fell. Either way, he's been in the booze." Your eyes darted to where he was pointing and sure enough there was your little asshole sitting in the middle of the kitchen licking the purple off his white tipped paws. He had bits of purple around his mouth and was he swaying? "WHISPURR!" you shouted and the little jerk just gave you a look like he couldn't be bothered.

Totally frustrated now, you threw your arms in the air and let out a sound of pure exasperation. Chan must have found it funny because he let out a little chuckle before you shot him a glare that could freeze fire. "It is absolutely NOT funny. This day has been one bad thing on top of another and now my damn cat is even in on it. I was really looking forward to that damn glass of wine" You felt like you were genuinely on the verge of tears and Chan started to approach you. He put his hands on your shoulders and said, "Hey, hey. It'll be okay. I have an idea. While its probably not as nice as what your cat had a taste for, my little sister left a few bottles of wine over at my place the last time she was fighting with her boyfriend and took it upon herself to come crash there. How about I go grab one or two and we can watch something and you can forget all about your day?" You felt drained and could do nothing but nod. His body in proximity to yours was doing things to your sanity. Part of you thought this was a bad idea and you should just thank him and send him on his way, but there was another part of you that was excited at the prospect of spending some time with him without animosity involved. Hopefully the bastard put a shirt on before he came back.

You told him you'd just leave the door unlocked if he was going to be quick and set about making some popcorn. You were gonna coat it in butter and too bad if he didn't like it. If this night was going to be full of bad decisions the least you were going to allow yourself were the extra calories. You grabbed two glasses and the bowl of popcorn and set off for the living room to set up the streaming services while you awaited his return. After you got everything powered on you went to the linen closet to toss some fluffy blankets at the couches. As you made it back to the living room he had reappeared with a bottle in each hand. Much to your dismay he still lacked a shirt and now you began to wonder if you were going to be able to focus on whatever you decided to watch at all. Whatever, it's not like you were taking a test on the content. He had a bottle of red, and a bottle of white, so you took the white off his hands and headed to the kitchen. You threw the bottle in the fridge and grabbed the corkscrew before making your way back to the living room. You expertly popped the cork on the bottle and then turned to him and asked, "So any preference to what we watch? I realize I know very little about your likes." He seemed to get a kick out of that but answered anyway "Can we watch something action? I've kinda had a long day and don't want to fall asleep. Bonus points if it includes Chris Hemsworth, he's my mancrush." He threw a wink at you and that smile that made that cursed dimple pop and now you found yourself on autopilot and typing the franchise name into the search bar. Did he realize how dangerous his behavior was?

"Okay sit wherever, I threw tons of cushions and blankets and junk around, make yourself comfortable." He nodded and made to sit on the couch you were hoping he'd avoid. Like hell you were going to sit anywhere other than front and center though so your stubborn popped out again and as nonchalantly as you could, you plopped down next to him and covered your legs with one of the throw blankets you had laying around. Scooting your ass to the edge of the couch you leaned towards the coffee table and poured a glass for each of you. You turned to hand one to him and could have sworn he was staring at your ass. You disregarded the thought and raised your glass his direction to toast. "Thank you for all your help this evening." He raised his glass to meet yours and added on "It was really not a problem sugar." The way the word sugar rolled off his tongue. Sugah. You gulped and raised your cup. Clinking glasses you both took a swig and you snatched the remote up to hit play.

As the movie rolled you found yourself sneaking glances every so often, even though you swore that you were going to leave well enough alone. Maybe it was the wine finally letting the tension leave your body, but you didn't feel as on edge as you had and maybe thats where the bravery was coming from. Your best friend often told you you didn't think things through. You hadn't been paying attention to the movie and a loud blast made you jump and suddenly his attention was on you. Busted. "Baby girl, am I really so interesting? You've been looking at me an awful lot." And there was that smug look you were so accustomed to again. This man was so infuriating. It was your own fault though. As usual you couldn't leave well enough alone and found yourself in the spotlight. Self preservation attempted to kick in and you scoffed. "You're insane. Don't think so highly of yourself, I just wanted to make sure you weren't actually falling asleep since you said you were tired," you attempted feigning ignorance. "Well yeah, lets say I'm a little crazy. Sugar the fault is all your own though. I'm trying my very best to be a gentleman here and you're doing everything in your power to make that impossible."

Movie long forgotten you let your emotions get the better of you and out came the word vomit. "Look, I'm well aware that you hate me, but you don't get to come in here and be rude. I'm trying to patch whatever this THIS is between us," you say as you swing your hands between the two of you to convey the things words are failing to express. You continue, "Don't think that just because you're stupidly attractive with your stupid dimples and your stupid abs and your stupidly sexy voice that you can just oomf-" Suddenly his mouth was on yours swallowing the words you  were endlessly spewing and you froze as he wrapped his muscular arms around you body and pulled you closer. You gasped as you realized his mouth was actually on yours and he used the opportunity to deepen the kiss. Throwing all caution to the wind and keeping true to your typical do first ask later nature, you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him back with all the passion you could muster. Long held frustrations coming out, you explored his mouth like it was an oasis in the desert and you were a weary traveller seeking respite.

Breathing heavily you broke away from the kiss in need of oxygen and searched his face for any sign of regret. Instead you were smacked with such a look of lust that the air in the room felt heavy again and before you could screw it up by opening your mouth you decided to put it to better use. You climbed on top of him straddling his lap and kissed him again. This time he froze, but undeterred you felt around for his arm without breaking the kiss and raised his hand to your chest. You felt relief when he squeezed your breast and he gasped. "You're not wearing a bra," he panted out. "Of course you're not wearing a bra. Are you literally trying to kill me Y/N? I already told you I was trying to be a gentleman, and look at what you're doing to me. Baby girl I'm not going to be able to stop if this goes any further." You were suddenly aware of just how rock hard he was as he shifted in discomfort and his cock grazed your clit though the layers of clothes between you. "So don't." you said, "Don't stop Chan. Show me just what I'm supposedly doing to you." He growled and flipped you off his lap and was on top of you in an instant caging you in between those gorgeous arms of his. He leaned in and his hot breath on your ear made your already ruined underwear feel like a dam about to burst. He whispered in your ear, "Baby girl, I'm gonna fuck you until you can't walk tomorrow, but you're far too dressed for that right now." He nipped at you ear before moving to take your shirt off.

You were in awe of his rippling abs as he pulled himself upright when your face reappeared from the inside of the gigantic shirt. Brushing his bangs out of his face he leaned down and began pressing open mouthed kisses from you hipbone up your stomach and to the valley between your breasts. He enclosed his lips around one of your nipples, sucking fiercely, and began to rub the other between his thumb and forefinger. You felt your nipples tighten to the point that it was almost painful and began to squirm with need. He reached down and stilled you with a hand on your hip, "Ah ah, we'll get there sugar, but I' gonna take my sweet time. I'm supposed to be showing you right? Where's the fun if it's over too fast?" He hooked his fingers in the waistband of your tiny shorts and in one swift motion slid them down your legs. Taking a moment to appreciate you in nothing but a pair of sinfully sexy panties you could swear he growled again as he roughly pulled the crotch of them aside and slid those illegal fingers of his through the incredibly wet folds hidden within. "Look at how wet you are. What exactly has you so drenched Y/N? Hmmm?" He made to wipe his fingers off on his sweats but you snatched his wrist and brought the digits to your mouth. Slowly swirling your tongue around them, the taste of yourself foreign, you watched his eyes widen and his incredible smile appeared again. He peeled the panties off you and took another moment to appreciate your fully nude body. You suddenly felt exposed since he still had clothes on and you were completely naked. "It's not fair if I'm the only one naked Chan," you pouted.

He let out a lighthearted laugh and stood up to take his pants off. He was smirking at you when he looked your direction, you must have been staring but the anticipation was killing you at this point and you didn't care. "You still have too much on." you stated matter-of-factly. His boxer briefs were barely containing the tent and you were pretty sure you could see a wet spot on the front of them. He gave a shrug and went to remove them and his cock sprang free of the confines. Okay now you were definitely salivating. Was it okay to call a cock pretty? His was beautiful and you found yourself wanting to devour it whole. You're sure he picked up on your increased desire but you were completely uninhibited and shameless now and the words were out before you could think twice. "Can I taste you?" He moved to stand in front of you and you sat up greedy and impatient. You wrapped your hand around the base of it and took a moment to appreciate the large vein running up the underside. It reminded you of the veins in his hands and arms and you licked your lips before wrapping your mouth around the head and sucking down the length of it. You could see his hands clench into fists as you began to bob your head up and down and hollow your cheeks as you swallowed around the girth of him. There was drool running down your chin and he was so big you couldn't take all of him so you gripped what you couldn't and stroked in time with the motion of your head. You could hear him panting and feel the twitching and pulsing as you picked up the pace. He pulled away and your lips left his cock with a pop. "As fantastic as your mouth feels wrapped around my cock, I have some other things in mind babe, I wanna cum buried inside that sweet pussy of yours"

You clamped your legs together tighter as the thought of his dick confined inside you had you feeling like you were a faucet. You were sure there was a large puddle on your couch you were going to have to deal with later but you couldn't be bothered to care just yet. Standing, you grabbed his hand and proceeded to move down the hallway towards your room. Once you cleared the doorway you spun on your heel and on tiptoe pressed your mouth and body to his. You were in need of friction and figured the best way to facilitate that would be to ruffle his feathers a little. "Christopher, I thought you were going to fuck me until I couldn't walk. I'm not a very patient woman." Before you could run your mouth anymore he marched you backwards towards your bed and when the back of your knees hit the mattress he lightly shoved you and you fell backward. The fluffy comforter cushioned your fall and he was there immediately sucking bruises into your neck, his hands wildly exploring your body. He began to stroke your folds and inserted one finger and then another easily due to the overwhelming amount of fluids you were producing. He hooked his fingers and brushed that spongy spot inside that made you tremble. As he continued his assault on your neck and pussy you could feel the burning tension begin to build up in your abdomen and knew you were finally, finally close to cumming. The walls of your pussy were clamping around the rhythmic thrusts of his fingers and he also knew you were close. He abruptly pulled his fingers out and the sense of emptiness and you moaning in frustration. "Please oh my god, I'm so close, please please." you whined.

He dropped to his knees and wrenched your legs wide apart and before you could question anything at all mis mouth was on your clit and your first instinct was to clamp your legs around his head. He kept your legs spread wide and continued fucking you with his mouth. He flattened his tongue and licked a few long stripes up your pussy "I'm going to let go of your legs, I need you to be a good girl and not thrash okay?" You were so desperate for release you would have agreed to anything. "I'm not hearing yes sugar, can you do that for me?" You mustered up your voice and choked out, "Y-yes Channie," and that was all it took. He wrapped his lips around your clit and began sucking on it again while simultaneously ramming his fingers back in your dripping channel. The tension was back and you were trembling from trying to keep your legs spread. Your orgasm washed over you in waves of white hot pleasure and you came all over his tongue and fingers. He worked you through it and when the overstimulation became too much you couldn't stay splayed out any longer and let your legs fall. He pulled back with a smirk and pressed a kiss to your temple before kissing you on the mouth. You really thought you could learn to love the taste of yourself if it came from a mind blowing orgasm like that every time.

"Do you have any condoms baby girl? I'd hate to have to go next door." he asked. Your head lolled to the side, still drunk off your post orgasm high and you said, "In the drawer beside the bed, theres a brand new box. I uh, haven't gotten to use any of them. I'm also clean and on the pill." He smirked at this and you were more alert than a moment ago as you wondered what that look was about. "I know," he said cockily. "I've seen how many dates left you wanting. Pathetic excuses and all that. I've also heard you take care of yourself in the bathroom Y/N. If you've wanted me for as long as you've been using me to get off, all you had to do was say so."

You were suddenly very aware of what had been going on and didn't know whether to feel angry or embarrassed or to just take what you were finally being gifted. You decided all three were appropriate. "You little shit! You sabotaged my dates on purpose! I knew your timing every. single. time. was just too coincidental! And so what if I used you to get off?! I can throw your words back at you, if you've wanted me for that damn long how come you never said anything?" He looked like he hadn't expected your outburst, but it was going to take more than a mind blowing orgasm to make you stupid enough to not address the elephant that was now sitting in the room. "You're you. That's what. You're so funny and attractive and sassy. So sassy. It's not like you've ever given me any reason to think you actually liked me. I finally figured you out a little better tonight though, your rough exterior is definitely hiding something incredibly sweet. You don't have to be embarrassed, or hide yourself from me. I'd already fallen your your stubborn ass a long time ago."

You couldn't believe what you were hearing. How was this even possible? You were both idiots. Total fools. "You stupid man." You said and he looked like you'd kicked him. "No, no, you're not stupid. We're stupid," you sighed, "if we both weren't so stupid we could have been not dancing around each other a long time ago." He looked up again and had this stupidly endearing and hopeful look on his face. You decided to show him mercy and squash the awkward situation "If you don't get over here and keep your promise to fuck me until I can't stand, I might have to reconsider my stance on this." You smirked at him now and the look of challenge on your face had him covering you again in an instant. He kissed you deeply before lining his cock up with you entrance and dragging it through your pussy lips before he entered your slick heat. The feeling of being so full after so long left you breathless, but also oddly complete. He rocked into your core slowly at first and then picked up the pace as your moans became louder. The sounds of skin slapping against skin and moans echoed throughout the room and you could feel another orgasm building. "Feels so good Chan, mmmm right there," you breathed out as he shifted and this new angle had him brushing against your g-spot with every pass. He reached down to rub circles on your clit and you completely fell apart around his dick as you moaned his name. His strokes becoming sloppy with his own impending release his hips stuttered to a stop as your pussy milked him for every drop of cum he had and he painted your insides.

Breathing heavily you admired the strength he demonstrated in not collapsing on you and as you felt him soften and slip out you suggested you guys maybe get cleaned up a little. "Mmm I don't think I wanna" he said as he nuzzled into your neck affectionately. He was impossible, and adorable, and apparently maybe yours now. "Let's at least lay in the bed the right way then, yeah?" He appeared to think about that for a moment before he stood up and pulled you to your feet. He turned down the comforter and climbed into the bed and with his dimples on full display pat the spot next to him beckoning you to join him. You shook your head and laughed but climbed in beside him. He wrapped the blanket around you both before proceeding to wrap himself around you like a koala. You can take the man out of the land, but not the land out of the man you supposed. True to his word before the night was over you were thoroughly tended to. Several times. When morning came and you truly couldn't walk very well, he brought you breakfast in bed. It was definitely the perfect turn around for the travesty that yesterday was and you were looking forward to not hating your neighbor anymore.

[pudding-head-kenma]

bruh pls lemme know some good movies to watch :-: like what're your favs bby??

 IJASKGNBINHSOKGLASKMGAS OH MY GOD I’M SO EXCITED YES :D THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TRUSTING ME W THAT I’LL RECOMMEND SOME GOOD ONES + GIVE THEIR GENRE/SYNOPSIS . PROBABLY LONG LIST BELOW THE CUT !!: 

1. LET’S START WITH MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE MOVIE: mulholland drive - a drama, a mystery and lowkey a thriller - after a car crash, a woman loses her memory. she finds help from a young actress that just recently came to hollywood and together they try to get her memory back, and find out why the amnesiac woman has so much money on her. as they get involved in mysteries, schemes and the hidden parts of hollywood, they fall deeper into a world that they aren’t even sure is real.

2. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - i would call this a romantic drama! - basically it’s about a couple whose relationship turns sour, and they decide to get a procedure that will delete their memories of each other. it’s honestly such an interesting movie and it’s really tense as you watch strangers, once lovers, dance around each other and systematically forget they have done it

3. magnolia - i would call this a drama - it’s basically a bunch of stories complied into a movie, with characters SEEMINGLY unrelated trying to learn about love, forgiveness, and the meaning of life, lives separated but much closer than they know

4. the music never stopped - drama! - it’s basically the story of a father trying to bond with his estranged son, who recently discovered he has a brain tumour that prevents him from forming new memories. his dad, left without a choice, tries to connect with him through music

5. american beauty - drama - it’s really hard to give this a synopsis, and the ones i see aren’t all that accurate. it’s true that a suburban dad has a lot of sexual frustration, but that’s not necessarily the essence of a movie - it’s a family with a lot of pent up feelings, frustrations, and others

6. gisaengchung (parasite) - drama, thriller(?) - i think everyone might know this movie already but it’s definitely worth mentioning! it’s hard to describe, but try to think of the differences between a high class family and a lower class one. what if hte lower class starts trying to profit from the others? that’s when greed comes into play

7. byōsoku go senchimētoru (5 centimeters per second) - i’d call this a romantic drama, but not with all the focus on romance. romance is the undertone for the drama - this is an animated movie told in 3 instances of someone’s life, when he fell in love as a child, when he lost that love as a teen, and when he’s trying to get over that love, surrounded by the cold world and adult obligations.

8. lost in translation - drama, comedy (i say comedy not bc it’s a comedy just because it’s light hearted yknow) - a washed out actor travels to tokyo for a commercial, where he meets a young woman. they form a bond and start an unlikely friendship. 

9. the night of the hunter - it’s a noir film, i’d say a bit more than thriller but not exactly HORROR, crime - a religious fanatic marries into the family of a gullible widow and her two kids. only the kids know their father hid $10,000 from a bank robbery, and there’s something strange about their step dad.

10. beasts of the southern wild - adventure, drama, fantasy (?) - this is a really good take on environmental issues in my opinion. a six year old has to learn courage and love as she deals with her father's fading health and melting ice-caps that are flooding her ramshackle bayou community

11. green room - horror, thriller - a punk rock band is forced to fight for survival after witnessing a murder at a bar. this movie is so nice to watch because it flows really well and you feel really tense

12.  inglourious basterds - war, drama, adventure - in france, during the second world war, a group of jewish u.s soldiers come up with a plan to take down nazi leaders, not knowing the owner of a theatre is planning something with the same objective

13. amour - drama, romance -  an octogenarian couple’s love is tested when the wife has a stroke, and the husband sees himself forced to change his whole life to take care of her. 

14. rosemary’s baby - thriller, horror(?) - a young couple trying to have a baby moves into a fancy apartment, surrounded by peculiar neighbours. once the wife gets pregnant, she becomes convinced that the neighbours are trying to steal her baby for a satantic cult

15. moonlight - drama - the struggles of childhood, adolescence and adulthood, as told by an african american man struggling with his identity and sexuality. 

16. el laberinto del fauno (pan’s labyrinth) - drama, war, i’d say thriller sometimes -  in the falangist spain in 1944, a bookish young stepdaughter of a sadistic army officer escapes into an eerie but captivating fantasy world

17. oldeuboi - action, mystery - a man is kidnapped and kept prisoner for 15 years. once he’s finally out, he discovers he has to find his captor in 5 days so he can find out why he was kidnapped. in the meantime, he starts a peculiar involvement with a much younger woman, and uncovers secrets he didn’t know he had kept

18. låt den rätte komma in (let the right one in) - crime, drama, fantasy(?) - an overlooked and peculiar boy finds love and revenge in an even more peculiar girl

19. birdman (or the unexpected virtue of ignorance) -  a washed-up superhero actor attempts to revive his fading career by writing, directing, and starring in a broadway production. this movie’s synopsis doesn’t give it the proper emphasis but it’s so good. it’s also all shot in the sequence of a day (obviously there’s cuts, but you can’t see them so it looks like only 1 shot and it becomes an amazing experience)

20. the blair witch project - horror -  three film students vanish after traveling into a Maryland forest to film a documentary on the local Blair Witch legend, leaving only their footage behind. this movie was one of the first ‘found footage’ films that really sent the genre flying, i would highly recommend

21. for the same reasons above, i recommend [REC] (the spanish one), as it also brought found footage films to the public in the beginning. it’s about a journalist who finds herself stuck on a building with the infected, since the police decided to sacrifice everyone inside for the sake of the virus not getting out.

22. salinui chueok (memories of murder) [trigger: mention of r*pe]  - action, crime, drama - in a small Korean province in 1986, two detectives struggle with the case of multiple young women being found raped and murdered by an unknown culprit

23. once - music, drama - a story about a pianist and a guitarist coming together and trying to live out their struggles through music. 

24. gokseong (the wailing) - mystery, horror, thriller - soon after a stranger arrives in a little village, a mysterious sickness starts spreading. a policeman, drawn into the incident, is forced to solve the mystery in order to save his daughter.

[otakween]

Flower Action 009-1 (1969) - Episode 1

Oh dear...the things I watch for the sake of completionism. This was hilariously bad but kind of in a “so bad it’s good” sort of way. I rarely venture into live action anime territory but when I do it’s always...interesting to say the least. This show actually has almost nothing to do with the 009-1 manga. I think they just took the name so that they could take advantage of an existing fanbase? It’s only 13 episodes so I’m committed. 

-OH OH NINE ONE! OH OH NINE ONE! That theme song is gonna be stuck in my head for weeks and it’s not even good...

-Somehow the aesthetic is the best and worst part of this show. So many questionable choices but also so much 1960s goodness. Something about old timey, retro-futuristic technology is really fun. (Also the ridiculous outfits)

-So the characters are named after cards: space, club, dia, heart but then there’s just one girl named...Monkey? For some reason?? I dunno. I think she’s the comic relief. 

-The episode immediately started with straight up West Side Story dance fighting which is pretty on-brand for an Ishinomori inspired show. 

-Very confused about the “Dark Syndicate.” Some of them look like proper soldiers and some are bumbling idiots (I guess it’s like team Rocket?) Also, they speak German because...??

-Like 1/8th of the show was inexplicably in black and white for no reason. I guess it was maybe a stylistic choice but it just felt so random...

-Lots of really awkward montages of slapstick comedy and sped up shots...not sure who they think they’re audience is with how over-the-top goofy the villains are.

-Okay, real talk: are there even any cyborgs in this show? I kinda think these are just normal spies but it wasn’t really made clear in this episode. It’s pretty baffling why they’d even call this 009-1 (aside from the reason mentioned above) since none of the characters even have number names.

-I think this is the most obscure thing I’ve ever watched. I’d be kind of surprised if anyone else on tumblr has seen it. If you have, lemme know. 

[gothita]

OH! It says match ups are open? If they aren’t, ignore this, but I’m gonna shoot! I’m Oliver, I’m gay as hell and I watch a lot of anime and comedy Youtubers. (Himbo? Perhaps.) I love listening to music and just being weird in general, goofing off and talking to myself or doing weird dances when alone. No idea how to Romance (tm) but I’m a very physical person. Hug me please!! All the time!! I also have no impulse control. I’ll stay up too late or eat too much etc. love your blog and writing!!

They are, yes!!! :D I am mostly posting my writing to my sideblog @ashenhawk recently bUT I’ll just do this one here :’) Do you have a specific fandom you’re wanting a matchup from? I’m gonna guess Obey Me since that’s what most of the ones I’ve done are for but if you wanted something else lemme know!!!

Im gonna match you up with Mammon!!

You sound like... Mammon but less stupid and while Mammon could do with someone mature and experienced, you also fit his ‘type’ because the two of you can just be big ol goofballs together.

Levi might be the anime fan in the family but I can absolutely see Mammon enjoying YouTubers! He’d bust a gut laughing at them with you, and if you teach him how to use the site on his own he’d probably end up liking unboxing and merch haul videos and would try to show them to you lmao

Mammon would think your weird lil dances and stuff are adorable! He’d catch you doing it once and then keep an eye out for it from then on because it makes his heart flutter to watch you.

But if you were to catch him staring at you secretly he’d blush and be like “I was NOT admiring you I just!!! happened to be walking by!!!”

Mammon would love your physical affection. He’d be out there dropping hints he wants you to cling to him and rely on him all the time, and any time you actually do it he turns red as a tomato because you’re the cutest person in the entire world in his eyes.

You got no impulse control? That’s great ‘cuz neither does Mammon! If you went shopping together he’d want to buy you all sorts of stuff, and try to talk you into buying everything you desire too.

He might actually be willing to work a steady job for the sake of being able to buy you your every whim to be honest.

Your himbo vibes would bring out that protective side in him too and you’ll get to see the surprisingly mature side Mammon can show at times.

[artificialqueens]

Not Today Satan: Airports Are A Drag (Biadore) - doctor bitchcraftt

A little airport innuendo and miscommunication. Special appearance of the other meaning of “drag” for the lovely jillybean2314.  From my “Not Today, Satan” collection of one-shots.

I know they seem to fly Delta most often, but the Virgin Atlantic Lounges I’ve been in are some of the most luxurious and actually have table service, etc. free of charge (mostly because the cost of the ticket itself is outrageous).  Also?  If you haven’t seen the video of Adore dragging Bianca, you’re missing comedy gold.  Xoxoxoxo, bitchcraftt

********

“Oh my- hee hehehe…lemme….lemme see our video!” Bianca curled on her side around the luggage cart, still snickering helplessly.  Adore wasn’t in much better shape, although she managed to stay upright and kept hold of her phone.  The jaded travelers at LAX didn’t even spare a passing glance for whatever chain of events had her on the floor, moving around the two of them to continue on.

Bianca’s wicked cackle and rough chuckle were familiar sounds to anyone who had seen her on stage or at a meet and greet, but the high pitched giggles were a rarer treat.  (Alaska commented once that she didn’t know how someone with a voice that low could spiral upwards into soprano territory so easily.)  The breathless, staccato gasps of laughter were usually reserved for moments of true hilarity or silliness, and Adore liked to think that the fact she heard them so often meant something significant.

“Where’re we going, anyway?  I’m hungry."  

"The loun…the lounge.  Hehehe hee hee-" Bianca, who was finally standing again and wiping tears from her eyes, trailed off again and clutched her stomach.

They headed down the concourse with occasional pauses for lingering giggle fits, finally reaching the Virgin Atlantic Club.  Adore made a show of looking around after their boarding passes were approved, taking in the softer lighting, abundant seating options, and overall isolation from the hustle and bustle going on outside the doors.

"Wow,” she whispered as they picked a pair of comfortable chairs in an isolated corner, “this is awesome!  You always get this?”

Bianca smiled indulgently.

“Yeah, it’s called flying first class queen.  Gotta have some perks to dragging my ass all over the world.  Why don’t you,” she gave Adore’s stomach a pointed look as it rumbled loudly and smiled at the staff member approaching, “take a look at the menu and decide on something to eat?”

After ordering cocktails and entrees, Bianca sat back and watched Adore with her nose buried in the menu, flipping pages in open-mouthed wonder.  Bianca privately thought she played up the slowness for comedic effect, but this time she seemed to be genuinely excited.

Years of traveling economy left Bianca with a great appreciation for lounges, even if she wasn’t always one hundred percent awake to enjoy them.  Mostly she was grateful to have a quiet place to sit with multiple power outlets, a chance to shower, and a decent selection of vegetarian options.

The young woman returned with their drinks and assured them that their meals wouldn’t take long.  Bianca was torn between sighing in long-suffering exasperation or being amused when Adore winked at her after accepting the glass.

“I don’t think she’s your type, Delano,” she murmured over the rim of her cocktail.  “Probably want to try flirting with the guy behind the desk instead.”

“Hey, I liked her energy,” Adore protested.  “She feels really calm.”

They fell back into comfortable silence until Adore’s oversized sandwich and Bianca’s flatbread platter arrived.

Once the plates were cleared (and a second set of drinks ordered), Adore started paging through the menu again.  She surfaced a few minutes later to nudge Bianca with her elbow.

“B?”

“Mmmm?"  Bianca didn’t look up from where she was composing a scathing, all-caps reply to an online troll.  "Find something else you’d like?”

“Wanna have a quickie?”

Vodka cranberry burned its way up Bianca’s sinuses as she sputtered, half sure she’d heard wrong.

“…what?”

Dabbing at her watering eyes with a napkin, Bianca shook her head to clear it.  

“I’m…say that again.”

Adore tilted her head in confusion but complied.  

“Do you want to have a quickie?"  She glanced at the time on her phone, handing Bianca another napkin for her sudden coughing fit.  "I think we have time before the flight?”

“Are you-” Bianca took a steadying breath and started again.  “Are you that hard up?”

“…uhhhh, for what?”

“Sex."  Adore’s puzzled frown was both infuriating and cute.  ”…SEX!“

"No…what’s that have to do with it?”

Bianca emptied her glass in one final gulp, trying to determine why Adore would sound so casual after propositioning her.

“You just asked for a quickie.”

“Yeah?”

“I - oh for fuck’s sake, here?  Now?  With me?”

“Uhhh,” Adore blinked slowly, “I don’t see anyone else I know in here.  And I’m still hungry.”

The table rattled a little as Bianca leaned forward on it until their faces were almost touching.

“Why. Would. You. Ask. Me. For. A. Quickie?”

Eyes widening, Adore turned the menu around to face her, pointing halfway down the page.

“Oh my god.  It’s spelled Q-U-I-C-H-E.  Quiche!"

tags: bianca del rio, adore delano, biadore, canon compliant, fluff, humor, doctor bitchcraftt, not today satan

[roxannepolice]

But yah rey as a character is just so frustrating you know? Cause like, yeah sure she could be complex with a powerful arc where shes forced to come to terms with the fact she wasted years of her life on self-imposed delusions in a cathartic way, or she could be a flat piece of marketing cardboard which Disney is banking on vagina+superpowers=profit without having to go through that persnicty character flaw overcoming or the like. Because like you said, hearing shes a nobody (which ngl, her assuming she was a somebody wasn’t really ever supported in tfa, just that her family was coming back and she desperately wanted them to) is apparently the worst thing but it changes absolutely nothing, not her approach, not her demeanor , if vaguely sad is the absolute worse a character is gonna experience in a goddamn space opera then yeah, full offense ill take the l on Mary sue discourse but her character will definitely be a boring ass wash. We all make fun of whiny new hope Luke but him being a kinda nuisance to both the audience and those around him is what made is transformation into full blown Jedi knight so powerful. With Rey so far what weve got is badass perfect cinnamon roll finally get her due as such, which is clearly working for some people, but I fail to see how that isn’t spectacularly tone deaf to make a protag in this genre such. Operas about drama, not patting you on the back. Rey (assuming she remains as is) would’ve been fine as a protag s the only piece of Star Wars media we ever got was a new hope. But rn she a chosen one architype (and I know that bunch of ppl are gonna go but the series ‘but shes not the chosen one, Anakin still is, the new series isn’t trying to make her one!’ but lets not beat around the burning bush, if u got a character that walks on water and the reason why is because god said so, ur dealing with a chosen one trope and if a character is star wars is made ultrapowerful in lore breaking ways because force said so? Yeah were dealing with a chosen one.) when we had both the deconstruction and the reconstruction done. Shes a straight hero when the success of the ot rest on hitting the formula near perfect the first time. What exactly is Rey, the individual character, bringing to the table? What makes her story supposedly so important the a perfectly good ending had to be made invalid to tell it? A bunch of ppl will say heroines’ journey! But if that’s the case I gotta say, wheres all the feminine shit? Im serious, if the heroines journey is reintegrating the feminine and realizing ‘oh shit mom had a point’ there where is both the feminine skills/coping mechanism and the mom? I mean I saw some ppl arguing for leia in a ‘reys Persephone!’ meta (she isn’t, you can make a much better case for ben himself as Persephone to be quite frank, yall are focusing so much on the trees ((girl gets abducted by guy)) that u forgot the forest existed, the actually story ((girl winds up queen on the underworld, well gee whiz which character just took control of that after leaving the world of living and a grieving divine mother behind, it’s a mystery apparently) behind, it’s a mystery apparently) ((but seriously though even if we hope for dark rey does anyone assume its gonna be taking control of a dark/dead coded org at least partially at this point, do you, do you really??). but given the fact she had what, one line of screen dialogue that’s breaking ur arm with that stretch. As far as skills go I guess you could make an argument for scavenging, but if that’s the case dlf did a shit job of conveying that as female-coded. Everything about rey in tfa seems deliberately androgynous, and yeah, she had her hair let down/mascara moment, but that’s tied to her ‘failure’ on the supremacy thus something nw.SPEAKIGN OF FAILURES ON THE SUPERAMCY AND LACK THERE OF. I find it kind funny that bunch of reylo bnfs (you know who they are) are all ‘hur dur fanboys/antis are dumb and don’t get story structure.’ And then going, ‘why are yall asking how/assuming rey fucked up in throne room/climax of her story in the second portion/darkest point of her character arc? Why do you hate women/ur own ovaries so much?’ because it like walking into a prefurnished house and being told by the relator ‘HERES THE LIVING ROOM’ and having no damn couch. It’s a living room, I expect a couch here. And in a movie where it’s the low point of a character arc and they drag puppet yoda out to tell me the movie is about failure, I expect a damn failure in whats clearly the climax of the characters arc for this movie. As it stands now there are three possibilities imo. 1st, rey had no failure, she is the pure badass maid o light ppl want and every inch the boring cardboard she is accused of by fanbros, remains static, and is relegated to an also ran to benlo taking the most compelling character trophy this trilogy in 10 yrs2nd possibility and the one im hoping for, failure speech wasn’t just thematic explanation but also foreshadowing, rey fucks up big and dramatic in a way that makes her manage to stand out as unique with both her contemporaries and her predecessors(last part, if its ever to much lemme know pls im sorry i just gotta get it out) 3rd and most likely possibility, rey isn’t the main character, benlo is and that’s why his failure both moral in the throne room and logistic on criat take center stage for the last third or so of the movie. Rey is merely a pov character to tell the dramatic villain protag story they wanted and have their very marketable unproblematic Disney heroine cake too.

Ok, so this discourse kinda died down by now, but thanks to that it’s possible to maybe have a calmer look at it I’m totally not trying to justify my late response.

Anyway, the good result is that quite recently my brother, who’s not overly taken with Rey - or the sequels in general, for that matter - said something which really stuck with me as a possible crux of the problem: 

She’s neither comical nor tragical. Just bland. 

This neither comical nor tragical really struck me. And the more I though about it, the more it was appearing to me that this qualm really applies to the sequels as a whole. The thing is that DLF are essentially telling a straightforward story that they’re trying to make captivatingly convoluted. And not just make, but keep this appearance over four years. And this is... a narrative teeth crasher. Like, when you’re honest about the endgame (in the context of the most structural meanings of comedy and tragedy), you can maintain a decorum, though you can also play with it, of course, whereas when you don’t want to be honest about the endgame, you end up mixing the styles somewhat messily. You can’t break or discuss with the rules without acknowledging them, so to speak. Because the originals were honest about the happy/hopeful endgame (the first episode is title A New Hope ffs), they could allow themselves deeply tragic moments like Larses’ deaths, Han getting frozen, destruction of Alderaan, etc. Because the prequels were open about being a tragedy, they could allow themselves lighthearted comic relief for the sake of lighthearted comic relief. 

The sequels... badly want us to consider the possibility of FO winning and Ben dying unredeemed while simultaneously insisting we root for those things not happening, while appearing conscious we’re definitely not buying the former and the latter only somewhat. And it’s tiresome. Dishonest. And indeed, bland. If the story is a tragedy it will be a bloodcurdlingly real one, if it’s a comedy it will be a borderline grotesque one. 

But yeah, returning to Rey, I guess as the main character she’s a lens which focuses the above problems. A very bitter tragedy of what her parents did t her prevents her from being comfortably comical whereas whoohooos I like thats and prancing like a husky on red bull over idols and visions because it’s for children so it must be hopeful prevents her from being intriguingly tragical. So I guess the intentioned effect was tragicomism but, from pov of an engaged casual fan that is my bro, it’s neither. 

As far as Rey’s heroine’s journey lacking some of the usual elements, I blame it on Disney being... a bit too ambitious, maybe. I think they tried to make a heroine’s journey that isn’t ostentaciously seeped in traditional feminine/masculine traits, maintains the structure without what could be called accidentals. On the one hand, I would point out that hero’s journey has pretty much desexualised itself over time, we are rather accustomed to “shero’s” journeys, but on the other... maybe Disney set out on a too novel a territory and may crack their teeth on it, alongside trying to out-Vader Vader at redemption. To elucidate, “toxic femininity” in which a heroine is supposed to find herself in the beginning of her journey, in Rey’s case is uprooted from any of our usual concepts of feminine-masculine social roles (it’s space, duh). My interpretation is that Rey’s version of toxic femininity kind of exists in contrast with Kylo Ben’s version of toxic masculinity - and since the apparent focus of the story is the attitude towards the past/parent figures, toxic femininity would mean her clutching onto the past. Which is why I predict that some act of IX will find Rey inebriated with apparent success in masculine world, meaning she’ll be the one rejecting the old gods this time - and I would point out that panel in Poe comic where she shows herself more sceptical towards idolisation of past don’t mind me, I’m just expressingmy trash dreams for a proper sith lady Rey.

Then again, Rian Johnson said she already found perfect balance between Luke’s clinginess and Kylo’s rejection of the past, so... idk, maybe I’m giving DLF too much credit again.

As for the Persephone thing, I guess the rub is that this reylo reading focuses less on the traditional reading of the myth (where Demeter is the actual main character and Kore is a Princess Peach MacGuffin) and more of an interpretation of it as one of the eldest (at least in Europe) versions of story depicting a transition of a girl into a woman, making Persephone more of a protagonist. 

Like, y’know, this Persephone (D. G. Rosetti, source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proserpine_(Rossetti_painting))

I’m no expert, but myths can lose their original meanings because of power relations (anyone still remember about Dionysus, the god associated with excessive drinking, going through a very Christ-like death and resurrection?) and I think it’s possible that this is the case with the story of Persephone becoming a pre-scientific explanation of seasons changing over the year. So teah, that’s how I always understood the Persephone theme regarding Rey.

But yes, I must agree that I’m confused about Disney’s handling of the mother figure, which... Look, SW became a legend of a modern myth because of how epically Lucas handled the hero dealing with his very explicit father. So yes, I don’t understand what exactly is their game with Rey Nobody from Nowhere in this regard. It’s one thing that they had a cool idea with giving her no lineage, another that parent figures are an essential element of archetypal journeys and from symbolic viewpoint the case of a female character the biological relationship is even more crucial than in male’s. And I swear to all the ewoks and porgs in the galaxy, I do hope Disney’s idea of Rey healing the mother/daughter divide isn’t through her healing the divide between Leia and Ben. Again, this isn’t the idealistic sphere. Just... no. 

Anyway, I still maintain hope (this whole meta blog is built on hope) that Rey will indeed turn out to have a proper personal mistake which will make her stand out in the saga. I do have to admit, though, that I find your last theory very likely. I mean, even when I read all the reylo metas going oh, Rey is going to have such an exciting arc in IX, she has so much to deal with though of course it’s not going to compromise her morally, it will be sooo exciting, I just... f*ck’s sake, what you’re describing isn’t a dramatic character only a dramatised role model. It’s great if that’s your thing, but don’t claim it is space opera-worthy, in operas people drown themselves because of cursed sailors, kill over a break up, decapitate over a bad dream and get dragged to hell over a dinner, not persuade their fallen lovers to change their ways, let alone patienly wait for them the understand the error of their ways (and if they do it’s doomed to end in someone dying).

[wellhellotragic]

Devil’s in the Details 1/?

Summary: It’s a well known fact that angels and demons exist. No one is saying that they don’t. Hell, you’ve all met your guardian angels before. But some of the facts, well you humans seem to be a little murky on those. Take Emma for example. Blonde, witty, beautiful. She must be an angel right? Wrong. She’s as wicked as they come. And she’s about to have the time of her life tormenting a certain English bloke

A comedy of errors....

A/N: Okay, lemme start this off with a huge disclaimer. This fic is nothing like anything I’ve ever written before. It is offensive. Sooooo offensive and I know it. There are three lines near the end that I actually cringed at when I wrote them, and I strongly considered changing them but I couldn’t do it, because the story needed it. The thing is, this story is pretty much told from the perspective of a demon, so some of the religious facts are going to be a little off. Just think about how different the Wolf’s side of the story was from the 3 Little Pig’s recounting. So, with that said, know that I have the utmost respect for all religions, cultures, and beliefs, and this fic has nothing to do with my own view points. It’s just silly and weird and highly sarcastic. I hope you’re all willing to give it a shot and stick with me. If you can’t make fun of yourself, who can you?

AO3 Link

A Prologue:

Heaven and Hell. God’s words falling on deaf ears. The angels had revolted and when God found out, he cast them aside into the mouth of hell.  Demons and possessions and all that jazz. Blah. Blah. Blah.The rumors had been circulating for eons. The Hinduists, the Buddhists, the Jews, all wrong. Hell (pun intended of course) even the Greeks had it all mucked up, but at least they were cool about it. Here, take this goat. Oh, not enough, well have my virgin daughter instead. Man she missed those days.

The Catholic church certainly hadn’t done their kind any favors either. Her first exorcism had been something else. It’s not like she had taken over the guy’s body. That would have been ridiculous. Seriously, if she was going to inhabit the soul of a human, she would have picked someone with bigger balls. And preferably without the syphilis. She did have standards after all.

No, she hadn’t taken the man over. She’d just whispered sweet nothings into his ear until he’d gone a little mad. All in a day’s work for a demon. The twitching, well that was just the guy being super dramatic. But the priest hadn’t known any better, taught from a young age that holy water was a cure all. Ya, because God has nothing better to do than listen to an old guy in a cloak talk about how he needs his water blessed. Sorry father, but he’s a little busy today. Maybe he can see you next week?

The whole thing had been a mess. He’d thrown water in the guys face and some of it went in his eyes. They turned bright red, in turn freaking out the priest more until he was pushing a cross to the guys forehead and chanting, “the power of Christ compels you!”

Oh honey, no.

The poor guy died of a heart attack and the priest felt that it had been a job well done. Sure, he’d lost part of his flock, but that was the price of expelling a demon from the mortal world. His words, not Emma’s.

And don’t even get us started on the Christians.

But in retrospect, that’s what made humans so much fun. They weren’t that bright. Don’t get me wrong, they were capable, but also arrogant and gullible. Prime for the picking. Okay, so ya, the dinosaurs had been a hit with angels and demons alike too. They were basically huge puppy dogs who liked to fight a lot. And historians can say what they will, but it was a well known fact that brontosauruses liked chasing trees and stegosaurus loved having their bellies scratched. Of course, God hadn’t been such a fan of the way demons played with the dinosaurs though, so he took them away from them like a toddler getting placed in time out. His favorite toy left on a shelf too high to reach. Truth be told, she’d always felt that meteor had been a bit vindictive for a guy claiming to be so damn benevolent.

But dinosaurs couldn’t talk back the way humans did. They didn’t have that higher level of thinking that made them so irresistibly fun to mess with. Take Adam and Eve for example. This woman, made from the rib of her lover (how is that even a thing people believe) listens to a serpent and eats an apple. Simple enough right? Except that’s so far from what really happened. Okay, so maybe she hadn’t been there personally, but she had the real story on good authority. For starters, the was never an apple. Ya, for all of you arguing it’s called an Adam’s apple for a reason, well you can just go to hell. The truth was, it wasn’t even a tree. The forbidden fruit, well it came from a vine in the form of a grape. Or a bunch of grapes if you want to get technical. But that’s not really the point now, is it? So, there were these grapes, and God was like, don’t eat these or you’ll die. Poetry, right? Anyway, Adam and Eve were actually really good about not eating the grapes, despite the fact that they were completely blind and didn’t actually know what a grape was.

Take note! This is actually a pretty important part of the story.

The two of them spend their day’s frolicking around in the garden of Eden, dancing and eating tomatoes or something. The guy who told Emma the story wasn’t really all that into details. So for the sake of assumption, and to keep this story moving along, they ate tomatoes and kiwis, and whatever else God had randomly decided weren’t off limits. But here’s the deal. Grapes, they don’t stay on the vine forever. Sometimes they fall off and roll away, and turn into something better. With a little help of course, which is were the serpent comes in. Remember Emma’s friend?

It didn’t take much really. A few grapes rolled in the right place so that Adam and Eve stepped on them while dancing. A small glass for the serpent to collect the juices in. A quick sliver into a nearby lake. Come on people. You know how many grapes it would have taken to fill up an entire glass? Even in the modern era wine makers like to water that shit down for profit.

Oh, maybe that’s where the human’s came up with water into wine?

What was that? Oh, ya. The story!

So the serpent, now having a full glass of wine returned to Adam and Eve, making sure to place the glass of wine near a glass of water Eve had placed out already. When she drank, it was from the juices of the forbidden fruit, and then, well you know. Everything went batshit crazy.

Now I know what you’re thinking. This is Adam and Eve. There were no glasses. Seriously, people. This isn’t the part where you should start questioning things. God mad men and butterflies, coffee beans, yet you draw the line and highly crafted glassware in an non industrial age?

Fine then. Don’t believe the story. It’s not like the bug guy upstairs would ever lie. Nope. Never.

But it’s the truth, at least as Gabriel told it. Gabe had been her mentor way back when she was still shiny and new. Most people believe that demons are all fallen angels, but that’s just laziness on the part of human storytelling. The actually history of hell was a bit more complicated. Yes, the Devil and God used to be tight. And yes there was an uprising, but God never sent the Devil away. He left on his own. Something along the lines of peace out, I don’t need this stress. And, yes, a few angels followed him, but most of them were created with the snap of a finger. You see, lurking around the eternal fiery pits of hell with six of your brothers can get a little monotonous.

It’s not like it was hard. He’d watched God do it before. He had powers given unto him by a supreme being. Admittedly, his first tries hadn’t been his best work, but no one gets it right one the first try now do they? Why do you think God flooded the earth? Sometimes you just need a redo. The devil kept them around of course, but all they were really good for anymore was dressing up as cherubs and shooting married people with their love arrows. Ah, the birth of adultery. Take that Cupid.

Eventually the Devil got better though. His creations resembled that of men with physical bodies when needed. Emma had been a crowning achievement. A blonde vixen with doe eyes and and a killer smile. But it had been her hunger for chaos that really had the other demons take notice. Gabe took her under his wing early on, as I said before.

He taught her how to seduce men, to make them gloat, how to send them into a fit of rage. Your garden variety of cardinal sins of course. And for a few thousand years, that’s exactly what she did.

Hey, Adolf, I think you missed some over there.

Oh Jack, have you met my friend Marilyn?

Ted. Look at this one. She’s beautiful!

Awful. Horrible. Unforgivable. I know. I don’t need you to tell me. The thing you have to remember about Emma is that she was trained for this. She was created for this. It’s in her blood. She’s never known love or compassion. But this is what you need to understand going forward, because everything is about to change.

[askdawnandvern]

Vern: Yuletide Vacation.

Nick: Hey there's a good one! I was afraid I was going to be the only 'comedy' choice.

Vern: It's just too damn funny, and relate-able....at least some of it is. Especially the parts dealin' with family.

Dawn: *Giggles* You mean Yuri?

Vernon: Maybe...Also Ully. He's the closest living mammal I can compare to cousin Eddie, except he's more hi-strung.

Nick: I always go with 'The Ruff.'

Dawn: The Ruff? That doesn't sound familiar. Is that a Yule movie?

Nick: Takes place at Yule.

Vernon: What's it about?

Nick: It's a dark comedy about a petty thief who takes bickering couple hostage on Yule, but they are so dysfunctional they are practically impossible to keep under control.

Dawn: That's a Yule movie!?

Vernon: Is this like Die Herd?

Nick: No! Although that is Judy's favorite Yule movie.

Dawn: Wait, seriously?

Judy: I-It...takes place during Yule...

Nick: Anyway, the kicker is the thief ends up saving the couples marriage and inadvertently fixing the family, and in turn they become attached to him and help him escape.

Dawn: Mhh-hmm...

Nick: It's funnier then it sounds!

Dawn: As for me, I can't let a Yule pass by without watching 'Love, Catually'. And before anyone says anything it's yet another film that takes place around Yule, but it's also a somewhat large part of the film.

Vernon: Aw yeah, I remember watchin' that with y'all. That's a great movie, Funny, sweet, sad...it's like that Japandese thing...that word that means like...all flavors at once.

Dawn: Umammy?

Vernon: Yeah, it's like that but in move form.

Nick: Oh wait, hey guys, this says 'Yule specials'. I think they meant television stuff. Like what we grew up on.

Dawn: Ah...right, well then I'd have to go with 'It's a Wonderwool life.' I always loved that film as a lamb, and now that I've...er...been through quite a life of my own, it really struck a chord with me.

Vernon: Oh Mam', that's a hard one to beat...Lemme see...if I had to pick one it's gotta be....er....hmm...*scratches chin* Maybe the 'Pets Yuletide Carol?'

Nick: the one with the puppets?

Vernon: What? I liked the pets. Maybe not now that Dismurinea owns 'em, but I did when I was a pup.

Nick: I liked 'A Yule Story'. The one they play for twenty-four hours on Yule day.  Reminds me a lot of my childhood. Especially that time I tricked Finn into licking a flagpole in Tundra Town when we were twelve. *Laughs*

Vernon: He fell for that!?

Nick: He never saw the movie, and being a desert mammal he wasn’t really used to the nuances of dealing with winter weather.

Dawn: Lamb Sakes.

Nick: What about you Fluff? What's your favorite Yuletide classic? Another one involving cops and terrorist stings?

Judy: Hmph! I'll have you know my favorite Christmas special was Rudolph!

Vernon: The one about the reindeer?

Judy: He wanted to work in Santas workshop, to be the best reindeer toy maker the world had ever seen. And no matter what anyone else threw at him, he went on to prove to all of them that he could do it. I saw a lot of myself in that reindeer.

Nick: That's cute. I wonder if you would have made it as far in the ZPD with a glowing red nose?

Judy: We certainly would have had a hard time hiding as much as we did during the night howler case, at least without being caught immediately.

Nick: *chuckles* Yep, all anyone would have had to do was follow the bunny signal.

[fathercharlesoffdensen]

The head meds kicked in, but I had some time yet before work to knock this out, sry not sry.

Thor: Ragnarok's particular brand of humor does not, in fact, belittle or go out of its way to disrespect the apparently sacred ground of the stodgier parts of the MCU, but rather underscores their emotional importance by showcasing the characters dealing with them years down the road in a notably healthy way, at least compared to how they did so previously in canon. This is my thesis statement.

On principle, I cannot make everyone in Thor fandom see that Loki yearns for his relationship with Thor and even the rest of his family to be harmonious, and that, at least in movie canon (your mileage may vary, comics King Loki, you crazy leotarded bastard), or convince Marvel that it's actually a boon for Tom Hiddleston to infuse Loki's facial expressions with sincere emotional resonance when it comes to reacting to the idea that, in spite of their differences and Odin's terrible fucking parenting, he still loves his adopted brood, as opposed to characterizing him as a vaguely sympathetic Magneto-Joker hybrid and discarding him once he's no longer important to the plot. But uh, both of these things are a Thing.

I also can't expect that there aren't pockets of honkey-heavy (I include myself in this demographic; 'Crocs, mac 'n' cheese, glamping,' see? I am one of you) MCU fanon that aren't racist or least culturally insensitive and/or flat-out stupid, and that that also influences the small hard-on some people have for hating Ragnarok. I can say that if your main argument is bristling that Taika Waititi just doesn't ~~understand~~ Loki the same way Whedon and company do because Spike 2.0 doesn't translate well into the monolithic Maori New Zealandian he's-not-White-and-I-am-uncomfortable-about-that-guys dialect, you probably have some soul-searching to do. If you can’t find it, a gently used one from eBay will probably work just as well.

So anyway, Ragnarok, lemme walk you through it. There are a number of occasions where the film references its predecessors in humorous ways, and it is common for the aforementioned sliver of Thor fandom to be crotchety about it because I guess comedy does not, in fact, equal tragedy plus time. (Hot take: It does.) I posit in spite of all the whining that each reference to Thor 1 and/or 2 and/or the Avengers flicks in Ragnarok serves a specific purpose that, super weirdsies, probably doesn't involve Taika Waititi putting a 'kick me' sign on Tom Hiddleston's back and then turning on a camera. Also, I personally liked 'em, because things are too fucking serious sometimes and it's nice to laugh. But! Here they are, in all of their glory:

1. Loki's summer stock theatre: Loki has gone out of his way to cast appropriate actors whose portrayals of his family and friend(s) are a direct insight into how Loki himself views them all. Sif is overly feminine and useless, because Loki's a bit of a sexist as a defense mechanism for his own masculinity and 'feminine' interests/mannerisms being scorned for like 1,500 years, and is probably also still miffed that that pesky spelling Sif's hair to stay dark after he snuck into her bedroom and cut it off in comics canon MORE THAN ONCE thing did not, in fact, make Thor stop hanging out with her because it made Loki the prettiest maiden by default. Volstagg is Fat. Hogun is pretty accurate, because even Loki knows better than to fuck with Hogun too much. Liam Hemsworth parodying his brother's take on Thor is the most meta fucking thing I've ever seen, with the possible exception that Matt Damon might have his cameo as Loki because he also played Loki in Kevin Smith's Dogma way back when (though I can't substantiate this alas).

Perhaps most telling, Odin makes sweeping overtures in Loki's play about his being the savior of Asgard, the son he wishes he'd appreciated before he made his noble sacrifice, etc. This is a kind and noble portrayal of his adopted father, one which Loki has had time to come around to because he has had time to get to know Odin and the Asgardian citizens in a way he previously couldn't, post-Dark World, and it has matured and humbled him. Even so, his longing facial expressions when Odin matter-of-factly says he loves him and is proud of his magical abilities and reminds him of Frigga are an incredible epilogue to The Tragedy of Loki of Asgard, because finally, art has imitated life in a way that has showcased both Loki's and Odin's maturity. What Loki's play doesn't do is make light of Loki dying/'dying.' The humorous portrayal of everyone is proof that Loki himself has used both humor and theatre as a coping mechanism. This isn't someone who was gleeful to usurp Odin so he could have a run at 'conquering' Asgard. Bereft of prophetic insights from Heimdall or fate or what have you that Thor has at his disposal, and needing to not make too many waves, lest Thanos figures out where he's hiding, Loki spent most of his time as a hands-off 'ruler of the Realms, with the possible exception of small improvements on-planet, like putting railings on the fucking Rainbow Bridge because someone could fall off that thing, Heimdall.

Even Thor's accusation that he mostly sat around "in your bathrobe, eating grapes" is probably 50 percent not fully appreciating Loki's approach to Kingship and the other half goading him because he knew he was going to find Loki pretending to be their dad the second Surtur gloated that Odin wasn't on Asgard anymore. He wasn't really interested in ruling all along, in spite of being brainwashed/tortured into attempting it by Thanos; he said as much as far back as in Thor 2011 ("I never wanted the throne; I only wanted to be your equal"). Again, Loki was never portrayed in the movie 'verse as being a dyed-in-the-wool villain, and by Ragnarok, he's a young man/demigod just trying to figure out his place in everything; which arguably, Thor is doing as well, albeit in the form of taking a gap year or two from college to pal around with his friends on an extended road trip. TL;DR: Loki inadvertently spends a couple of years cooling off and growing up, and the result is a significantly healthier being who can laugh at himself because he's had the opportunity to finally sit down and put things into perspective. This brings me to my next point; this is a transition sentence.

2. Someone fell off that thing, Heimdall: If you aren't already mad giggling when you realize Loki has been in the room with Thor on Sakaar for several minutes and even in the scene, albeit blurry, without either of them noticing, I entreat you to appreciate that a bit. Okay.

Once again, Loki telling the story of his suicide attempt at the end of Thor 2011 as less a tragic, spur of the moment action brought about by his grief and inability to see the rift between himself and his family mending any time soon, and more of a pre-planned risk he took good-naturedly the way a self-referred adrenaline junkie might talk about going cliff diving or some such showcases another common defense mechanism of his: Adaptation. Loki is something of a chameleon even before taking his actual shape-shifting abilities into account. He's also an opportunist: If jumping aboard a new ship mid-battle because the odds of survival appear much greater, he has few moral qualms about doing so, and/or an intense desire to Just Survive that overshadows everything else. (Most of the time, anyway.) In a kinder understanding of his talented, lying silvertongue than Thor and Sif and the Warriors 3 seem to have, as well, Loki has a knack for selling his actions by way of pretending they were what he planned to do all along. This is the pathos behind his retelling of his near-suicide to a group of admiring onlookers. Loki has learned from his time as Odin what it is to take up the mantle of, as Hela sneers, "goblets and garden parties," and it inadvertently primes him to get along really well on Sakaar. Now that he, too, is away at college for the first time, Loki is unburdened by all the embarrassing shit everyone on Asgard knows about, and he uses it to craft an idealized version of himself for the sake of having a good story to tell at a party. This doesn't mean Taika Waititi is making light of Loki's near-death experiences: He absolutely expected to die in the 2011 film, and, I strongly argue, in 2012, this was also the case. After being pumped full of so much of Thanos' magic and power over the years probably was the only thing that kept him from dying from his wounds after taking a giant fucking sword through the chest, Loki woke up, looked around, surprised, and then made the situation work for him.

(I started rambling about how Odin's reluctance to not immediately come home once he broke free of Loki's spell [because he and Frigga had missed a lot of Odin Sex Nights aka Wednesdays and/or Heimdall warned him or something that destiny needed to take its course and that course was just letting Loki deal with all the board room meetings about how much Asgard spends monthly on booze while he ate pudding and lorded over the nursing home TV on Earth and that seemed way easier than having to listen to Loki whine about how much he hates prison all over again] and/or how obvious Loki's body movements are even in his Odin form meant that probably at least 75% of Asgard knew he wasn't fucking Odin the second they saw him also ties into the theme of everyone in the family kind of learning to get over themselves is apparent in even more subtle ways, but uh, this was the main gist of it. Sorry/you're welcome.)

3. "Mblergh, it's me!" I know The Snake Story wasn't movie canon before Ragnarok (though "that time I turned you into a frog" has been portrayed in other versions of Thor and Loki's relationship and it's fucking great in every one of them), but it, too, is evidential of the Brodinsons' mutual ability to allow time to help them reframe painful memories of the past with additional insight and a sense of humor; because again, it's fucking funny. Sorry you hate brown directors and having the replica of Loki's Avengers sceptre your mom bought you at Hot Topic in 2012 crammed up your ass so much that you can't see the forest for the trees, though.

Concluding paragraph: Thor: Ragnarok is up there for me with X-Men: First Class and Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith as being superhero movies with colons in the name and the backing of a ridiculously attractive bromance that have taken over large swaths of my overall fandom experience over the years and I am extremely fond of it on the basis of that alone, but also it's the most in-character and positive portrayal of Loki that we could have gotten from a movie 'verse whose big-wigs are otherwise largely apathetic to him, and people should probably be sending Taika Waititi like fruit baskets or something for it rather than angry missives on Twitter because we don't deserve him, and yet, there is he is anyways. Final thought: I have to believe he would appreciate Tom Hiddleston's emo vampire from Only Lovers Left Alive being brought into his own What We Do in the Shadows canon and Adam hating every God damned second of it and that they would talk about it over another bowl of pasta before talking about their plans for Thor 4, aka why don't we just do a mocumentary of the behind the scenes of Loki's theatrical productions (lots of Norse myths brought to life in increasingly inappropriate ways on stage) and idk you and Hemsworth can kiss or something at the end and Jeff Goldblum can be there doing whatever the fuck he wants, and then they high five.

Work Cited: I reblogged a post earlier today of a 99% legitimately solid argument that Loki didn't fake his demise at the end of either of the first two Thor movies, and a piece of it nonetheless got stuck in my craw. OP is probably good enough people, whereas I am merely a crabby fandom bitch who would look nicer if I wasn't so fat and would smile more. Bow following standing ovation slash a handful of death threats on social media. I gotta get ready for work now. L8r world, smell my ass!