#At this point when we get symptoms it's more often like

[grimaldiapologist]

This isn't an urgen concern or something that's coming out of a present situation of feeling the worst ever,

but like, with chronic illness, how are you supposed to know when something's an actual emergency? There's a new "this is the worst I've ever felt" with frightening symptoms of impending doom at least three times a year, and it's never anything. It's never anything and going to the urgent care for it just wastes everyone's time.

How the fuck are you supposed to know which "feeling the worst you've ever felt" is the one?

[gay-fordeath]

.

[slippery-minghus]

oof. going to the gym today was the opposite of helpful for my pain levels. gah

[poobit]

i have many thoughts on how Mouthwashing handles the themes of abuse and the symbolism around it especially as a survivor ... im not gnna hold back so -

first of all i think since its clear the point Jimmy is dismissive of Anya´s personhood and his perception is warped towards what he does as a Captain rather than what he does as a man, it makes sense she doesnt get her own labyrinth or such , i cant argue around that because its realistic he´s so male focused he cant even bother to truly think about what he did to her, i would love it if Wrong Organ decides to do a side story vignette of her own perspective and view in the future if the game proves its successful enough for side content like that.

Assault is something usually not handled with subtlety in games, i think what struck me the most was how real the dialogue of her coping and suicidal ideations and how Curly responded to it felt , the dancing around the subject, the deflection, the "whats next" of the ever impending consequence of pregnancy, how Anya pleads for help from the person she trusts but nonetheless a man unequipped and too emotionally attached to the abuser to be able to confront him, its so real, Curly´s lack of initiative is something Jimmy fully takes advantage of the moment things dont go his way, he turns everyone against him even as a helpless body on a bed because he needed to be in control of the situation, thats what abusers do.

A more sensationalistic game would have easily played Anya´s helplessness and assault for shock for sure, because it would be easy, she is the archetypical victim trope, shes modeled in Wendy Torrance likeness from The Shining, shes meek and unsure of herself and Jimmy shoots her down from the very beginning to make her feel unqualified and cornered, but the furthest the games goes is making Jimmy terror towards the pregnancy and the baby as a boogeyman that crawls and tramples over him. No sights of bleeding legs or her crying or screaming and much less present objectification of her body (which is something that i always think the horror genre has such a struggle not grabbing onto, sexuality is mostly always played up in assault stories especially if the victim is an adult woman), she remains a fully clothed figure and maintains the agency to her own demise, away from Jimmy and beside Curly, which is tragic and obviously still a symptom of horror´s proclivity to back female characters into corners of self inflicted punishment, but the alternative would have been that sooner or later, Jimmy would have killed her.

Its clear to me that the game used Curly´s state as a way to put a barrier between Jimmy and Anya, we dont objectify Anya, but we objectify Curly, Anya doesnt just feel pained and unable to handle Curly´s medication because shes in a sensitive state, her comments about his noises and such draws a line between her trauma and her perception of things as Her fault, she cant handle hearing his struggles and cries trying to swallow a pill because it reminds her of her own helplessness, so she leaves the task to Jimmy, someone who has no qualms in forcing someone down, the emphasis of every treatment as a repetitive process and the sound design is all very poignant and for me, a great way to handle assault as a metaphor, Curly did not consent to being in this position, it is very much still Jimmy´s fault and the fact that Jimmy is basically keeping him alive against his will even to the last moment of the game says everything, Jimmy doesnt love Curly the same way he doesnt love Anya.

The horses are not lost on me, i think horses as animals are often seen as "viril" symbols, strong and often volatile, they can be often hard to mount but when one does the rider and animal are seen as this one all powerful entity, like centaurs, which also carry symbolism of assaulters mind you, so while maybe not intentional on the dev´s part i think it still points to the Horse as a symbol still important in the game, the only spoken audio lines of dialog come from the Pony Express mascot Polle itself, and they are the first to actually confront Jimmy´s self centered line of thought and over-focusing on Curly, if the Tulpar is akin to a beast of a burden then Jimmy beat the dead horse way long ago.

All in this to say that Mouthwashing was a really good experience and i really hope the dev team is interested on expanding a bit more on it because i trust their vision.

[normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke]

People are very critical about long COVID/ME/CFS patients not being on diets and it's probably the most fucking annoying ableist thing we have to deal with on a regular basis that people think is totally fine or even helpful.

Preparing homemade food takes a ton of energy. Preparing homemade food to fit a diet takes even more energy and is expensive. Carnivore is one of the most common recommendations and, aside from dieticians practically screaming about how dangerous it is due to the complete lack of vitamins, meat is expensive. Even high protein, low carb diets that aren't as strict still require you to spend quite a bit on protein. Diets like anti-inflammatory, mediterranean, low fodmap, and others that restrict certain types of food are often prohibitively complicated, and many times advice is conflicted on whether things are ok to eat and in what amount. The vast majority of restrictive diets don't come with easy-to-prepare meals unless you have a ton of money to drop on expensive meal kits.

And most importantly, for some of us food is all we have left. Being closed inside for 90% of your life is incredibly boring in a way that's hard to describe. I spend 8-10 hours a day in the same place doing the same things because they're all I can do. Eating something interesting is pretty much the only way I get to add enrichment to my life. Diet is not a cure for us, it only provides mild symptom relief if any. It's just not worth giving up the small sliver of joy that is an "unhealthy" meal when it's not going to actually result in us regaining the ability to do other things that bring us joy.

❌If you give dieting advice on this post I will block you. You're annoying and you're missing the point.❌

[agoodflyting]

Good Omens Historical Trivia That's Haunting Me Today...

So we all know A.Z. Fell & Co is located on the fictitious Whickber Street in Soho and was established in 1800.

Aziraphale has run the shop ever since then and was in contact with Crowley at least until the 1820's when they took their little jaunt to Edinburgh and Crowley got sucked down the tube slide to Hell. They meet up again no later than the 1860's, when Crowley asks for Holy Water.

Stands to reason that between the 1820's and 1860's Aziraphale was in Soho doing Aziraphale things. Running his bookshop. Eating tiny cakes

Yeah... you know what else was going on in Soho during that time?

The worst cholera epidemic in London history.

If you don't know, cholera is a deadly bacterial infection caused by drinking contaminated water. Prior to the 1850's humans weren't really sure what caused cholera, but they knew it was terrifying and also that it was absolutely epidemic in big cities.

TW: this is gross - The main symptoms of cholera are agonizing stomach pain and non-stop watery diarrhea, eventually leading to the skin turning blue due to the thickening of blood from severe dehydration. Patients can lose more than 20% of their body weight in hours as they quite literally evacuate every drop of water in their bodies until they die of heart failure. - OK gross part over

Cholera symptoms show up as short as 5 hours after infection and could kill within as little as 12 hours. Cholera was especially terrifying because of how quickly and painfully it killed you, and because the patient maintained mental clarity up until the point of death. More than half of the people who contracted cholera died within a few days after consuming the bacteria-contaminated water.

And guess what water had cholera bacteria in it?

The public water pump on Broad Street in Soho in August of 1854

And this wasn't one of those epidemics that starts slowly and drags on. It hit like a bomb. It killed 600 Soho residents in ten days.

That's roughly 60 people a day in a 3-4 block area. Most of them died at home because the disease struck too quickly for them to to make it to a hospital. Survivors described hearses stacked with coffins 4-5 high going down the street nonstop all day long during the outbreak. Entire families were wiped out overnight.

What does that have to do with Good Omens?

Aziraphale's book shop was right in the epicenter of this outbreak.

Neil Gaiman has been pretty free about the fact that Whickber Street is a thinly veiled expy of the real Berwick Street in Soho.

This is a famous map showing the 1854 Soho Cholera epidemic. I highlighted Berwick Street and the public water pump that was the center of the contagion. The black bars (I circled a few in blue) on the map designate deaths. The thicker the black bar, the more people died in that particular house.

51 people died the week of the cholera outbreak on Aziraphale's Street alone.

Cholera was one of those diseases that provoked a lot of panic, not just because of how fast and painful it was, but because of the way it didn't follow common conventions about class or age. Children died while the elderly survived (often because the elderly had no one to gather water for them). Lower class houses were spared while their middle class landlords died. Churches were packed that week, because people in Soho had no idea who would get sick next. The epidemic pretty much burned itself out in a week and a half, since by that point everyone who drank the water had already died. I have to wonder what our resident Angel was up to during that time. Obviously cholera can't hurt him, but that's his neighborhood. There's no way hundreds of people, including entire families with children, are dying painfully in his neighborhood and Aziraphale doesn't notice. That means that in between this scene:

And this one:

Aziraphale would have watched one of the worst disease outbreaks in London history play out right outside his front door. I feel like there's great potential for a good story there if anyone better than me wants to write it.

[absolutelynotsanebaby]

I was talking to my mutual about Cole when I had a surge of Thoughts so per usual you all have to hear them now. I was considering a couple things, namely his development and place as the "strong guy" on the team and his masculinity (and how it presents in the show vs in fanon).

Cole's pretty often typecast as the gruff strong guy in a lot of fan-media (from fanfics to fanart etc) which isn't wrong because he was like that, especially within the early seasons. The way he spoke, the way he acted, his place as a sort of leading force. In season three you even see him in that stupid lumberjack fit (said affectionately), it's all very traditionally masculine. Which fits his whole Strong and Big guy of the team role (the five man band archetypes etc etc). However, it's interesting to say because at his core, he's very emotional and very driven by a strong sense of internal compassion (with a canonical affinity to children). Which obviously none of that is opposed to masculinity but these traits begin to show more as the gruffness pulls back. The first real example of that I think is in ToE with his fight with Jay. I don't read him as being invested in their fighting the same way Jay was. Jay was fueled by insecurity and a very strong sense of jealousy and possessiveness. Cole? I think he was just reacting to Jay's aggression, which didn't put Nya in a better position but it is a difference. 

So when their match rolls around, he's the first one to realize what they're doing is stupid and give in. He reaches out emotionally to Jay. However, Jays still is a friend so that is easy to write off as a symptom of friendship. And then following ToE we have possession and DOTD which I think are where he really begins to develop, and have the strongest examples of what I'm getting at. I'm going out on a limb and saying that I really see his prior gruffness as a sort of armor, to be good enough for the team (insert that one Wu note of him staying up late before missions) and also there his whole rebellious streak against his father trying to force him to be someone he's not. (Note: I wouldn't be surprised if how Lou raised him really had a impact on all this) Then, we get to Possession and both his self worth and self image are shook badly by literally dying. He outright says he's not a ninja anymore, which I think he based a lot of who he was on (<- which is why struggling with it hit so hard).

Finally DOTD comes up and I think we see the strongest example of where his compassion really become a core trait. It's his fight with Yang. He had no reason to reach out to him, to be honest he had the right not to, but he did and it worked! He didn't get out of DOTD in the end with brute force, he got out of it with emotional support (his team showing up), a stubborn adherence to his moral code, and reaching out to Yang with empathy. From that point on, I think he's softer and more prone to being emotional, it's like there was a very real shift. To circle back to Jay, because I think he makes for a good comparison, he does not develop like that post ToE. Actually, the issues carying from s3 (though, they do exist prior just not as starkly) all the way to Skybound where it gets violently (literally) addressed. Jay fans can probably say it better than me but the season is about his insecurity and treatment of Nya and there's a reason both Nadakhan and Cliff are like that (read: they're parallels). It's just interesting because both Cole and Jay have issues with self worth and image but they present and develop very differently. 

There's also the fanon aspect with those two that's really funny. I think everyone's aware of the infamous fanon-bruise, the 2010s-yaoification. Uwu Jay, Big Strong Man Cole, and how weirdly racist it is. It's just funny to note because the issues projected onto Cole in fanon are ones Jay has, like, in the show. Cole's the more emotional and compassionate one of the two, but because of the strong guy role, it gets flipped around in fanon. Going by the 'traditional' (read: toxic) masculine standards, in terms of personality and character, I think Jay more closely aligns. It reminds me of this post I saw once, it was of Hunted where Jay was making the plane (?) and Cole was with baby Wu. It called Jay the 'mom' and Cole the 'dad' which I find kind of funny because if you look at it through that hetero-normative lense, it really should be the other way around. Cole's the one caring for the baby pretty consistently, Jay's the one making a machine and Working. Did Jay just get called the 'mom' there because people think of him as smaller and weaker and therefore more feminine? Did Cole get called the dad just because he's strong and considered bigger? It's interesting. Fanon does Cole really dirty sometimes.

To get back on topic of Cole's narrative development, then we get to MOTM (like a bajillion years later which no I'm not complaining except I am). Cole's characterization in MOTM is so fucking good. MOTM does a fantastic job at tying together several of his strings. It ties in Lilly, his self esteem, his staunch morality, affinity towards leadership, and compassion into one, pretty bow. MOTM puts Cole back into a leading role, and it gives him several groups to reach out to (Vania, the munce and geckle, the uppily). It draws back the insecurity present in him, letting it show again to be addressed. It even ties in his relationship to Wu in a really lovely way to me. MOTM is the season where Cole finds who he is, his identity and his place as his mothers son.

Speaking of that, I have a very strong love for male characters who exemplify who their mothers were and what they taught them. The scenes with Lilly really put his entire character into a different perspective. At the start he was this tough kid fresh off grief and pressurized so strongly by his dad and himself and he goes through loops and hurdles of strength and identity and by the end he finds himself exactly where he needs to be. Where he's the strongest and it's in his mothers footsteps, as someone both emotional and strong. It's a really lovely character arc to take him on, and though I haven't watched DR, I've heard they continue that on. 

Anyways, consider it positive masculinity, consider it anything else. I just had a lot of thoughts to share and hope I don't sound too 'reading-too-deep' about it. Bye bye Kar ramble over.

[cripplecharacters]

Hi, I have some questions regarding confusion over a certain topic. First off, I have a character with a severe scarring on the upper right side of their body. I've heard in some tumblr ppsts that such appearance shouldn't be fetished. Then I stumbled across some posts, mentioning how the character can be described as 'pretty with it'.

For sure, I'm trying my best to normalize the looks. Because I have a love interest set up for them and while they don't mind the looks, I feel confused on how to convey their appreciation for the character's looks even with the scarring. They like the character as they are and stuff.

Sorry if this is a lot, I tend to get confused on how to handle such scenarios. And this sort of varying opinions is making me go '???'.

It's okay if you take your time to answer! Have a good day ahead of ya!

Hi!

"Fetishization of a disability" and "thinking that a disabled person is pretty" are two very different things. Despite the somewhat similar sound, they're not connected by much.

In the context of scars, fetishization would be what I would call the "Zuko situation" (yes, I love ATLA as much as the next guy, let me explain) - the scar isn't really a scar, it's more of a, I don't know, make-up? It's just the color that changes, it's all sharp edges and intricate shapes, the facial structure stays the exact same. There's no physical symptoms. Essentially, it's permanent body paint.

It fetishizes a disability by making it inaccurate, sometimes almost mystical. You don't see anyone fetishizing how real people with facial burns look like because they only like the idea of it. They don't care for us; they don't care for Face Equality or why we are offended by "villain with scar #32482". It's just a fun splotch of color to add to your OC when you're out of ideas.

Another aspect of fetishization is the "a scar is the worst thing in the whole world", the tragedy porn. It's using a disability for cheap drama. Again; it's inaccurate and exploitative. I don't see writers excited to depict my "coming to terms with my facial difference as a teenager, and eventually being proud of it" experience because where's the shock value and pity points? Fetishization, again, is about liking the idea of it, not the real thing.

Describing your character as beautiful, well, isn't any of that.

The point that I tried to make on that post was that a scar is often considered inherently ugly. That it's a stain on someone's beauty, that it would be better if it wasn't there.

"Brown beautiful eyes, thick facial hair, strong cheekbones - he managed to be irresistibly handsome even with that nasty scar going across his nose."

This, well, sucks. It's as if the character's beauty and their disability are contradictory forces that have to fight each other. But in reality, scars and any other visible disabilities are neutral. If the character is pretty, their scar is pretty too. It's a part of them, so how could it not be?

"She was a cute girl; her pastel pink, thinly braided hair framed her face, defying gravity by curling towards her mouth. The burned skin on her lips shifted as she smiled, revealing a tooth gap. She played with her equally pink 'white' cane, holding it between the two fingers she had on her right hand, bopping it against the ground to the rhythm of the song."

This, on the other hand, just states her disability as a part of her person. It's nothing weird or shocking, she's pretty, has a burn on her face, she's blind, she's missing some fingers, she's enjoying the music - it's almost boring when compared to the usual "scar introduction". There's no "even with her horribly burnt face", no "if only she wasn't scarred she would be beautiful", no "poor thing, lost her fingers in a horrific fire" - instead, she is beautiful, and she has scars, and she sure is having fun. That's it.

This is my best shot at explaining the difference between "fetishization" and "yeah they're pretty :-)" ft. my questionable writing - I hope this makes sense.

I definitely took my time to answer, sorry about that. Thank you for your ask!

mod Sasza

[pixiesfz]

cough syrup s.c x child reader!

apart of sunshine series!

plot: you get sick right before a big game

warning: sickness, appendicitis, vomiting, this is literally my experience when I got my appendix removed (I was 6)

You hadn't been feeling good since you got home from Kindergarten, your stomach hurt and your head was pounding, you hadn't even felt the need to eat your lunch Steph made you. You had never felt like this before.

You hadn't talked a lot to your friends or on the way home which was weird since you usually told Steph about your whole day and complained about the boys in your class.

You didn't like them.

"Did Jack annoy you today?"

"Hm" you grunted and Steph just nodded and furrowed her brows, you must be tired she thought.

You ran straight to your room when you got home, Calvin following you as you both sat on a bean bag.

Calvin seemed to know you didn't feel good as he licked your arm, sitting on your lap "Hi Calvy" you sniffled as the dog looked up at you.

Usually when you felt sick you told your mum but all she and all your aunties had been talking about for the last week were the 'conti' cup which you didn't know what it meant but you knew it had to do with her soccer career.

Lara used to talk about it sometimes, but she used a different word for it.

So you stayed quiet, a tear running down your eye every so often as you played with toys in your play house.

Steph noticed your quietness at home and got worried "Sunshine?" she called out to you and you quickly rubbed your eye and turned around with a soft smile "mummy?"

"Did someone say something to you at Kindergarten?" you shook your head "nope" you hummed and turned back to your doll house.

Steph sighed before walking over to you and bending down "you okay Sunshine?" she asked and you faltered, nodding your head quickly after.

Steph knew better.

"Sunshine what did I say about lying" she looked at you sternly before you looked down to your feet "to not do it" you mumbled and she nodded "exactly".

She placed her hand on your forehead before her eyes popped open "Sunshine your head is burning, are you sick?"

You nodded "head and tummy hurts"

"Why didn't you tell me? has it been hurting since Kindergarten?" Steph asked, panic setting in

"You have cunti cup tomorrow!"

Stephs eyes grew wider "Con-ti not..." she sighed "that."

Tears started to roll down your face, not bothering to act anymore "hurts" you whined "everything hurts!"

Steph nodded quickly picking you up "What hurts the most Sunshine?" Steph asked and you pointed to the right end of your stomach

Steph nodded, blowing out air.

She never liked seeing you in pain, and you were really in pain.

"Can I touch it?" Steph asked and you wiped away your tears and nodded.

You let Steph lay you down on the couch, Calvin sitting nearby as she lightly laid her hands on your stomach

"wrong side mummy!"

Steph winced "right, sorry Sunshine" she apologized before moving to your right side, a scream leaving your lips when she applied pressure.

"Hurts" you yell and Steph wiped her forehead "I know honey, I know"

Steph stood up, panic thriving within her body, this wasn't just any stomach bug, should she call the hospital?, local doctors?, Mini?

"Your whines grew as you started to struggle to lay still "Mummy!" you cried as she left to grab her phone "Sunshine did you eat today?"

"Wasn't hungry" you grumbled, laying your hand out for Calvin, hoping he could distract you from the pain in your stomach.

Steph was quick, typing your symptoms into an app she had downloaded since she got you and winced when she saw the answer she begged it wouldn't be.

appendicitis.

Quickly she ran to your room, grabbing more comfortable clothes and a water bottle, running inside the house, lastly grabbing Calvin and putting him outside before grabbing you which you screamed at.

"Where we going?" You asked as tears rolled down your cheeks "We're seeing the doctor" (hospital, but she didn't want to freak you out) she replied and you clung onto her before she reached the car and sat you down in your seat.

She looked up to your tear covered face as she did the buckle "You will be okay Sunshine" she told you, wiping your cheeks before closing the door and running to the drivers seat.

Your whines didn't stop on the way and Steph almost started crying herself, her blood pressure dropping whenever your cries grew louder.

"I called the doctor and we get to go straight in Sunshine" she told you, her voice croaky.

You had become silent now and Steph didn't know if that was better or worse as she parked the car, running out to grab you and go to the front desk.

You had taken yourself out of reality, almost getting used to the pain as you looked around.

Must be a new doctors, you thought as Steph discussed with the lady on the chair before you were placed on an uncomfortable bed and taken to a white and blue room, some painted fishes on the side as well.

Tonight had been a long night.

A man came in with a metal circle thingy as he discussed with Steph, trying to talk to you but you were too scared.

You hadn't made a sound at all until he placed his circle on your stomach, a scream leaving your mouth as he pursed his lips and nodded.

"It's good you came now, before it burst" he informed your mum but you widened your eyes "what?" you ask

burst.

What did that mean.

Steph held your hand, squeezing it tight as the man left again, telling you he would be back quickly

"Sunshine?" Steph called for you as you turned your head, tears falling down "mummy?" you questioned, your voice breaking Steph's heart

"You're going to have a little surgery-" "Lara used to have surgeries!" You tried to get up as you yelled but Steph stopped you, you turned to her again seeing that she also had tears running down her face.

"It's not scary, trust me I've done his before, hey even Calvin's done this before" she said and you relaxed

If Calvin can do it so could you, if Lara did them, so could you.

The doctor came back in, some nurses behind him as they grabbed your bed again, wheeling to another room where the man held a plastic mask.

"Do you like chocolate y/n"?"

You nodded and Steph smiled "chocolates your favourite isn't it Sunshine" You smiled "I like chocolate Ice-cream" you said and the doctor and nurses smiled "this is just like chocolate the man said before passing Steph the mask.

"You trust me Sunshine?" she ask and you nodded, the woman putting the mask around your head as you tasted chocolate, a warm smile coming across your cheeks.

"What about your game?" You mumbled, starting to feel tired

"I'll be with you Sunshine."

When you woke up in your room you were surrounded by a lot of happy aunties with gifts in their hands.

"Did you win cunty cup?"

Steph didn't even bother correcting you this time, just happy you were feeling fine.

[qierxing]

A/N: An interpreted continuation of @shiny-jr wonderful fic. This is one of the longest fics I’ve written…..carried by my love for Heartslabyul. Been chipping away at this every so often until now. I would strongly recommend reading Shiny’s part first, or else a good part of this will not make sense. Part two will be something that will be floating in the future.

TW/CW: Graphic descriptions of PTSD & panic attack symptoms, self-harm from bad coping habits, dissociation, dismemberment, references to Alice in Wonderland, made up lore LOL

I. II. | Isekai AU | Yan! Heartslabyul x Reader

"So she sat on, with closed eyes, and half believed herself in Wonderland, though she knew she had but to open them again, and all would change to dull reality…"

– Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Caroll

i. Cremation

Ramshackle's mailbox is a pitiful thing.

It sits right in front of the small graveyard near forgotten covered in tangled vines and weeds. Unlike its surroundings which shine from recent renovations and repairs, the hinges still squeak loudly when the latch is opened and the outer parts are scratched and dented. On bright sunny days, it sticks out like a sore thumb.

And today, it's even more obvious.

The box now is in danger of tilting off its support pole, filled with the weight of lumpy letters, spilling out envelopes upon the dirt. Around it sits various colorful wrapped boxes and packages that are piled haphazardly across each other. You swear it gets larger each passing day.

“How many does this make?” 

A battered top hat pops into existence next to you, one of the resident Ramshackle ghosts who's been helping you around lately. (He had said you remind him of his siblings when he was alive. You're still unsure whether that was a good or bad thing.)

You let out a sigh through your nose. There's nothing to say about the situation in front of you. You wish they could disappear the minute you wish for it, yet the colorful wrappings and the various envelopes scattered around your feet don’t vanish the more you stare. 

“I’m really sorry about all this.” 

The ghost shakes his head, frowning at your apology.

“It’s not your fault, prefect.” 

The words are reassuring, but they don’t make the gross feeling go away when you crouch down and start picking up letters that have fallen out of the mailbox. 

From: Azul Ashengrotto 

Sender: Vil Schoenheit

Sent by: Riddle Rosehearts

All of them are addressed to you, of course. You can already imagine their contents: filled to the brim with regret and guilt, blotted words begging for forgiveness for the wrongs they’ve done. When you told the Headmaster that you didn’t want anyone visiting Ramshackle, that wasn’t an invitation for them to flood you with unwanted mail. Then again, perhaps you should have foreseen that they would do this. All of them are stubborn to a fault. It wasn't like your phone was any better until you’ve blocked all numbers making it go off endlessly like a shrieking parrot.

The resulting letters alone are thick enough to rival the textbooks Professor Trein assigns students. Pressing your lips together, you turn around to start heading back to your temporary home.The rest of the bulky packages can wait. The ghost helps swing the door open and Grim perks up from his seat in the living room as you set down the letters.

“Grim, can you get a fire going?”

“Now?”

He eyes the thick pile of letters with wary slit pupils and asks, “Aren’t ya…gonna read ‘em?”

You did. For the first few ones, at least. They were barely discernible, their apologies blurring by as they begged for your grace and mercy. That they would do anything to right their wrongs. If you didn’t know any better, you would say their reverence was akin to a cult. 

It makes your skin crawl.

After that, you stopped bothering to even  skim through. What is the point of continuing to make sense of lunatics? Of cruel games and intrepid players?

"We have the wood, and the house is a bit chilly, so why not?" You reply. Grim scrunches his eyebrows but doesn't object as heavy wooden logs are dumped into the grate. He takes a deep breath and blows upon the letters scattered on the wood, encasing everything in familiar neon blue flames.

You settle into the armchair next to Grim, staring into flickering blue flames. Grim curls up next to you, purring contentedly. All too easily, your eyes lull close to the sound of crackling flames consuming paper.

–

When you step out onto the front porch the next morning, you're overtaken by an overwhelming fragrance.

There's crimson red petals floating through the air. Fluttering in the crisp morning wind, they fall in your hair and the rest end up crushed under your feet. You'd feel bad if it wasn't so pungent; the very air feels like it's infused with the scent of roses. 

Your nose crinkles as you pick up the impossibly huge bouquet that is wrapped in silk and ribbons. It's certainly beautiful, you'll give it that. Yet this scent doesn't bring back good memories. It only brings vivid flashbacks of being lost among rose bushes, covered in dirt and scratches, trying so frantically to find a way out. When every single crack and snap was a possible life threat. 

You don't realize you're crushing the bouquet until something trickles down your fingers. It doesn't feel like blood pooling between your skin. Relaxing your grip ever so slightly, you find pin sharp thorns running down the stems where you were gripping. The fleshy meat of your palm is punctured cleanly in the shapes of the thorns. Was it left unclipped on purpose?

The card is the next thing you find with bloodied fingers, rumpling white cardstock and soiling it without a care.

To our beloved player,

We deeply apologize for the pain we have caused you and beg for your forgiveness. We will make sure to atone for our sins of harming you.

~H

The initial and the bouquet is too obvious of who it's from. Riddle must've penned it, because none of the card soldiers would ever write this formally. But it must've been Cater's idea to send the bouquet–Trey nor Riddle would've come up with such a sentimental and sappy idea. And Ace and Deuce would rather die than do such a cringey thing. 

The door opens again behind you. You turn to see a half-awake Grim groggily yawning. He stops once his blue eyes land on the bouquet in your hands.

"Whazz that?" He points a paw at the rumpled roses, and you hastily shove them behind your back. 

"Nothing." You say.

Grim makes a face before finally breaking the awkward silence with, "Do ya want me to go tell 'em off–"

"No." 

The answer is rushed and makes Grim's eyes widen. It's crazy, you know. But to have Grim try to solve the problem for you doesn't sit well with you. It's not like it's his fault for what you went through.

And maybe, deep down, you couldn't bear the thought of telling them nasty insults and curses to make them hate you more.

"I'll take care of it." You add, trying to reassure Grim, who only stares impassively. He shakes his head.

"Am I making another fire?"

"...if you can, please."

ii. The Morgue

It’s been a couple of weeks since you’ve been brought to Twisted Wonderland. 

Yuu’s…body has been moved to another room. It freaks you out more than you would like to admit. It’s familiar, yet it’s not. It’s carved to your image, but with none of your personality. There’s something wrong with the way its eyes are tilted, the dip of its cheeks, the curve of the chin. An idealistic, dreamy mirror of yourself.

Still. You’ve seen many dolls in your lifetime, and even you cannot deny the life like artisanship. The seams of the joints are cleverly hidden and the skin is smooth and unfettered without any misshapen resin(or clay?)–these are marks of a true doll-maker.

“It’s your vessel.” Grim had said with a matter of fact tone. As if you weren't looking at an unmoving human body. “Everyone was freakin’ out cuz’ it just shut down outta nowhere.”

It must’ve been because you were brought here at that moment. The hypothesis doesn’t really make you feel any better. You should know better than to blame an inanimate shell of a vessel, but... 

You jerk awake, cold sweat running down your neck and face. It takes a second for you to realize you're not being encased in burning scarlet flames and it's not claustrophobic verdant green hedges surrounding you. The bed sheets are tangled, wrapped in a chokehold around your legs and torso. Instead of translucent leaves, the bed canopy curtain shields you from the moonlight pouring in. The soft snores of Grim sync with your ragged breaths in time.

Tonight's nightmare had been recurring for a while. Every single time you thought you had shaken it off, it comes back like a bad omen.

Instinctively, your hand runs over the bumpy raise of scars running down your back and neck. Most of them had faded with magical treatment and time, but there are some that still have rough skin that has hardened like scales on a dragon. 

Your fingertips curve inward and dig. 

You thought you were safe. The rose maze is large and encompassing: hiding would be the best move. You breath in–

– and you were face to face with the Crimson Tyrant himself.

His face contains no humanity, his eyes only reflect dark, dark anger and resentment. You thought you were staring into a never ending abyss. Something inky black catches your eye, and you realize with horror that blot is trapping your feet and leaving stains upon your skin.

"Stop right there, imposter!"

Your nails scrabble at the bumps and raises, tearing through them with obsessive speed. Faster, faster–it doesn't feel right, you have to scrub your skin clean of those foreign textures.

Adrenaline is the only thing keeping your legs from collapsing to the blot climbing its way up. You have to do something–

–something wraps around your neck and torso, and all air leaves you as it squeezes and knife sharp needles gnaw into bone.

Your breathing grows more hoarse as your nails scratch faster and faster, desperate to remove more of those vile clumps of impurities. 

"You will suffer as Yuu did." The verdict is declared with deranged gleeful vengeance. The tyrant points his scepter at your fallen body covered in thorny vines reminiscent of roses. Blot swallows your form and screams whole–

It's only when the familiar smell of iron registers in your mind, that you finally snap back to your senses. When you finally draw your hand back to view, it's covered in clotted blood and torn skin, both dead and fresh, all clogged under your nails. The open cold air now makes your neck and back sting sharply as blood trickles out of reopened wounds.

It's with a heavy heart that you quietly leave the bedroom entirely to wash away the blood in the kitchen sink. Crimson dyes the white ceramic for a brief moment before swirling away down the drain. 

The wounds sting and ache, but you can barely be bothered to tend to them as you resign yourself to the living room couch with a thin blanket. You think of Grim sleeping unaware upstairs and close your eyes. The old weathered grandfather clock in the corner ticks on and on with each second.

No, you can't blame a puppet for functioning for its purpose.

But you could tear its limbs out of its sockets so it could never walk anywhere again. If you plucked out its fingers and eyes, it wouldn't be able to find its way around anymore. Sewing the mouth shut would seal the deal.

Then it would truly know how it felt to have no choice.

–

Working as Sam's assistant helps take the mind off things. Crowley had begged you to resume classes as Grim's 'beast tamer', but something in you screamed at the thought of having to shed your feelings aside to return to what normalcy was. As if this world didn't run on the giant malicious cogwheels of fate and lines of code.

How painfully obvious it is that your mere presence is just a substitute. 

"Ah!" 

You look up from sorting products on the shelves to a surprised looking Riddle Rosehearts. No no no no–

You take in his sunken gray eyes and pale skin, before going back to shelving products. It takes strength to play dumb. Your shaking hands betray the fear growing within as they sort through stationary merchandise. Finally, the products are lined up neatly and you're trying to bustle away as quickly as you can–

"W-wait!" You try to ignore the half whispered plea, moving behind the counter with an unnatural speed. 

"Please, wait, I need something!" You do stop, because unfortunately, you can't completely ignore a customer in need. So you take a deep breath and grit your teeth, turning around with a polite smile. Stare straight ahead. Think not of smoldering flames and knife like rose thorns–

"What can I help you with?" He stares into your eyes, frantic and desperate. It's clear with the way his mouth opens and closes that he wasn't sure how to continue his case.

"If you aren't sure, take your time to browse, dear customer." The grin was starting to wear on your cheeks already with how much you struggle to keep it in place. 

Please just leave, you internally beg. You settle behind the counter, watching as Riddle bows his head and disappears among the shelves for his items. A tired sigh leaves your nose. 

Your hands keep shaking no matter how hard you clench and unclench them. 

He can't hurt me here. 

Sam is just a yell away and there's mace and a knife in your bag underneath the counter. 

It'll be fine. It's not the Tyrant.

A clink of glass catches your attention, as some ink bottles are pushed on the counter. 

"I've finished." Riddle's smoldering eyes choke you under their hues.

"I'll ring that up, then." 

The exchange happens quietly yet as you hand him the bottles, he pauses, looking down. "What happened to your hand?" 

Shit. There were still obvious swollen scratches and puncture holes imprinted on your hand. You completely forgot about bandages after Grim caught you with the bouquet the other day. You quickly hide your hand in your pocket. "I don't know what you're talking about."

He seems to want to say more, but is cut off when someone else comes up behind him, waiting to pay for their items. He only swallows hard and nods, setting out with only a guilty look back.

You finally breathe out a long sigh of relief when the door chimes echo behind him.

-

"That'll be ten thaumarks and thirty madols." 

This is the fifth time Riddle's shown up during your shift and bought ink. This time, it's a deep crimson color not unlike the shade that saturates his dorm. It reminds you of torn skin on nails from that night, and it takes a minute to shake those thoughts off as you pick up the bottles.

"Prefect, could I talk to you after your shift ends?" You turn to fix him with an incredulous stare, and he grimaces.

"I promise I won't harm you! Did you not get our letters?" But how can I trust you? On this cracked chessboard you are forced to play upon, you don't know where to place Riddle at all. He is too much of an unstable bomb that could blow up in your face at the wrong impression.

"Fine." He definitely won't back down until you agree to hear him out, and it's best to let him state his case once and for all. "My shift ends in an hour. I'll meet you outside."

"Excellent. I shall wait for you then, prefect." He takes his bag and leaves with a small bow.

The time passes all too quickly. Sam shoos you out before you can try to coax some overtime hours from him. And much to your annoyance, Riddle is waiting for you promptly as you step outside.

He looks nervous as he bows his head in acknowledgement of your presence. You'd almost feel bad, if it weren't for the fact that he nearly beheaded you at first sight.

"Have you received our recent letter and flowers?" A long silence follows, before you reluctantly nod. Your hand throbs as you open and close it out of habit. You just removed the bandages this morning, but the unbearable itch to reopen the scars is too tempting. Steel eyes are immediately drawn to the movement. "I see. Then I won't drag this out. Prefect, could we prove to you our sincerity to make amends?"

"What do you mean?"

"Exactly as I said. Please let our dorm express to you our sincerity to mend our relationship." The intensity of his eyes makes you sick to your stomach.

"You've apologized enough, Housewarden Rosehearts. I'm sure your card soldiers have too." Subconsciously, your hand drifts toward your neck.

He winces. No doubt it must be a sting to his pride that his numerous penned letters weren't acknowledged. "It's not just about apologies. We want to start over–turn over a new leaf, if you will, for our relationship. It would be a disgrace to the Queen of Hearts herself if I could not atone for what I've done."

Always with the rules. You're not entirely sure what Riddle means when he says 'mending your relationship', but it seems he's already set his mind to it. It would be hard pressing to get him to change his mind now.

"...sure." You reluctantly acquiesce. The tips of your nails brush against scarred skin before drawing back. You shouldn't. It took so long for the wounds to close again, for sinew to piece itself together, and for skin to finally grow back. You don't want another lecture by Crewel or Trein.

He brightens considerably with a look of relief. "Good. Then, please wait for our call." 

You watch in confusion as he trots off hurriedly after another deep bow. Wait for our call? What does that–

Something buzzes, and you realize it's your phone, lighting up with a notification from Magicam. You frown, tapping on the icon. A message? 

cay4cay sent a message request

The second you processed the username and profile picture, you instantly hit the block button. With a frustrated scowl, you shove the phone into your pocket. You deleted Yuu's account and only had a burner account for info purposes. How the hell did that social butterfly find your handle?

You groan. This is all too much.

iii. Paying Respects

A letter arrives, but not by mail.

A jarring commotion rudely rips you from sleep's embrace. You groggily sit up, blinking once, twice, before realizing the noises were very much real and still happening. Who is this loud on a Sunday morning? Grim continues to snooze right next to you, unperturbed by the disturbances. You debate whether it's worth it to get out of the comfy covers. Then another yell echoes up to the room and you groan in annoyance. 

You slam the entrance doors open, ready to give the lecture of a lifetime before you stop in your tracks. 

Deuce Spade looks like he wants the ground to swallow him up whole. Even Ace Trappola, haughty asshole that he is, looks thoroughly ashamed to be caught in a compromising pose. The scene is so familiar that you can't seem to be confused. It takes a second of awkward staring from all three of you before you realize that you're still standing in your thin pajamas, out front in the public entryway in the cold.

"...May I help you?" The distant polite inquiry has them both flinching. They scramble to their feet, brushing off dirt and debris from their fist fight. 

"We're very sorry!" Deuce bows deeply, while Ace scoffs and looks away.

"Housewarden Riddle told us to give you this, so…" Ace shoves a white envelope with a seal boasting a crown insignia into your hands. The Queen of Hearts. You exhale through your nose. So this is what Riddle meant earlier.

You open the envelope gingerly, carefully inspecting it as if it were some kind of trap.

"We're going to have a party soon." Ace is still determinedly avoiding your eyes. "You can come…if you want."

You hold back a sardonic chuckle. Even after everything that's happened, he's trying to act like some kind of cool, suave guy. Your eyes drop down again and you open up the flap to reveal the elegant crimson cursive that decorates the paper.

You're cordially invited to Heartslabyul's monthly tea party. Please send your response ASAP.

Date: XX/05

Time: 14:00 - 17:00

A silence lingers in the air, heavy as a rock. You can tell without looking that the two were holding bated breaths waiting for your reply.

This certainly was out of the blue. But. It was Ace and Deuce. Riddle may have issued the order, but they must've taken initiative in delivering her majesty's decree. Stubborn and tenacious, yet they were still endearing with their loyal friendship. Who in this world would run across a whole desert for you?

That wasn't for you though. The intrusive thought immediately makes your lips thin. The card soldiers shift at the subtle expression change, nervousness painted all over their faces.

You would be lying if you said you weren't curious. Why an invitation to a tea party? It was rather unlike Heartslabyul–or at least most of them–to be indirect like this.

"Sure. I'll be there. I can bring Grim, right?" You flip over the card and envelope, raising an eyebrow at their stunned faces.

"Wait, you serious?" Ace stutters. His ruby eyes blink rapidly as his mouth gapes open. It’s clear he wasn’t expecting you to actually say yes.

"Why would I waste my time lying to you?" You sigh, crossing your arms. Granted, you never did send any response back to that ostentatious bouquet, but you were already preoccupied with the hundred of other letters and packages flooding your mailbox. 

"In that case, of course Grim can come!" Deuce says, looking like he's been released from an entire burden off his chest. It was no doubt plaguing him on what your answer would be.

"Great." You wave a careless hand, turning to close the door. You're so ready to go back under soft bed covers. "You can give my answer to your housewarden. See you then."

A hand grabs at your arm and tugs you back suddenly. You turn and open your mouth–

"You! You're the one that caused Yuu to shut down!!"

Wind blasts past you, leaving a thin trickle of blood down your cheek. Eyes wide, all you can do is stare at furious crimson eyes glaring you down.

"-Hey!" 

Those eyes. It's the same bloody crimson. The same sharp glint of raw bloodlust. Your right cheek aches terribly. Cold sweat runs down your back. Try as you might, you cannot suppress the reactive instinct to flee.

"Don't touch me." Your terse response has Ace retracting his own hand immediately. 

"S-sorry, sorry–" He’s scrambling to get past his mistake. If you were in a better state of mind, you would've laughed at his genuinely flustered state. "I–I didn't mean to grab you like that, it’s just that–"

"We also have something else.” Deuce cuts in, trying to cover for Ace’s blunder. He shoves something warm under your nose, and it takes a hot minute to process what you’re smelling. 

Lavender. The cookies within his hands are simple and aren’t decorated, but the buttery floral aroma they emit leaves you salivating. You slowly take it from his hands, staring at the carefully packaged bag. 

“...From Trey,” Deuce offers hesitantly after seeing your surprised expression. His tight expression and stiff posture betrays the way he is attempting to look respectable. “He's wanted to send you something for a while now.”

For a while? His dorm mates were all clambering to get any crumb of response from you. He might've had the manners then to understand that you wouldn't be delighted to hear from someone who only watched from the sidelines as you were being attacked. Did he only wait because his beloved housewarden didn't move yet? How typical.

“Tell him thanks for me.” The two of them shuffle their feet while exchanging glances at your freezing cold tone. 

"Don't mind us, prefect." Deuce elbows Ace, causing the red head to click his tongue and glare back. "Sorry for bothering you like this–we'll get going now!"

The two actually leave without more fuss, leaving you to twirl the invitation in trepidation.

When you look down again, the flowy calligraphy has been smudged by your fingers, ink blooming on your skin like blood.

–

"What does one wear to a tea party, Sam?" 

The question slips out before you know it, making the store keeper turn around and raise an eyebrow at you.

"And why is our little imp curious?" He teases. At your unamused face, his face splits into a garish grin.

"Perhaps you should ask Professor Crewel. After all, he does have quite the fashion sense." Sam strokes his chin in thought. "While we do have some outfits here, it might be best to get advice from someone who has been to these kinds of events."

And so, you find yourself standing in front of an indifferent Divus Crewel, who takes one look at you and takes another drag from his fashionable cigarette holder. He continues to shuffle through papers, all the while shaking his head.

“I should’ve known Sam would be the one to send you.” His voice sounds annoyed, yet carries no weight of anger. Much like how his bark is worse than his bite, Crewel isn’t one to heartlessly turn you away. “A tea party, you said?”

“Sam recommended that I go to you since you have more experience in this sort of thing.” Crewel does another critical once over of you, no doubt estimating your measurements for the look he’s thinking of. As expected of a former Pomefiore housewarden. He seems to already have an idea of what outfit would be best.

“I’ll help you, but you’re running some errands for me first, pup.” 

You shouldn’t have expected anything less from the alchemy professor. Now you’re stuck picking out ingredients in the botanical garden while you’re waiting for him to get the materials together for your outfit. 

Of all the botanical zones, it just had to be the tropical zone. The harsh artificial lights shine down as you lean down to pick herbs. While the temperature is bearable, you don't know how much more sweat your outfit can take before it gets soaked completely. The humidity is choking, and you feel dizzy from both the moisture and heat clouding your senses.

“Prefect?” 

You look up wearily from basil plants to see Cater Diamond in his labwear, with a face that mirrors your stunned expression.

Give me a break. Immediately, your awkward customer service smile falls in place. First her Majesty, then Tweedle Dee and Dum, and now the March Hare? But Cater knows how to read the room. Maybe he'll know to let it go–

Your hopes are dashed as he immediately bounces up to you with a grin. “Didn't think I'd run into ya like this. Whatcha doing here?”

“Er, Crewel wanted my help with getting him ingredients…” This conversation was quickly swerving into awkward territory. “Why are you here?”

“Ah, you know…” Cater chuckles sheepishly, “I got assigned to water the plants…”

You take notice of the steel watering can in his gloved hands, then the long green hose by his boots. “Ah.” 

“Guess that means we’ll be working together!” He chirps cheerfully and you cringe. Seven, anything but that! You quickly turn back to your basket and begin to pick up the pace in harvesting the basil. The quicker you finish, the faster you can get out of this deathly awkward situation.

“By the way, Acey and Deucey wouldn’t stop chatting about you accepting our invitation!” You flinch as Cater idles up next to you, using the hose to spray a generous amount of water over the patch of herbs. “It was pretty cute to see, y’know.”

“R-really?”

"Trey was also glad too. He and Riddle have been planning to make it the best tea party ever," he mock emphasizes. "They've been running the dorm ragged over the party deets. Cay Cay's been so busy with planning stuff!"

"That's not really necessary…" A feeling of guilt worms into your guts for a moment. You squash it. What Riddle and the others do is none of your business and no obligation of yours. 

"Right? That's what I said too!" Is he implying that you're the reason there's more work than usual? How shameless is he?

After a good minute of dead silence, Cater pipes up again.

"Sooo, prefect, whatcha been up to lately?"

You can't take it anymore. 

“Why are you talking like I have a gun to your head?” 

Ever since he made his presence known, he's adopted a high pitched cheery tone that grates on your ears. It was akin to a customer service voice, but you know Cater. That's his influencer speak.

Cater's chipper smile vanishes instantly.

"Whaaaat?!" You catch a glimpse of his snaggle tooth in his exclamation. He quickly turns and moves to water a patch of sprouts further away, "Like, what are you even talking about? You know ol' Cay Cay's just trying to lighten the mood!"

More like he's desperately trying to appeal to you. He knows which attitude will get him the most views, and the best expressions to rake in likes and comments. You often thought that trait was endearing in its own way when you saw him as a fictional character. Now that you're dealing with him as a human being, it just pisses you off to no end. How could he? You know Cater isn't known for his genuineness but….you thought he would at least act his usual aloof casual self. Then you would know that it wouldn't matter if you offended him.

The straw basket is finally filled with everything Crewel asked you for. It's with dirtied skin and sore muscles that you turn towards the exit without sparing Cater a glance.

"If you say so, Diamond." You hurl the words like a molotov cocktail, and it's very effective. Cater's eyebrows twitch and his hands clench around the watering can. It's one thing to call him by his last name, it's another to completely blow off the nickname he blatantly shoves onto you. "See you later at the party."

“Wait, wait, time out for a second!! Can you at least unblock me on Magicam?” The last sentence makes you freeze in your tracks.

When you turn around, Cater’s somehow still smiling that insincere smile of his. Your neck prickles with dread.

You trust me now, right? His crinkled lime green eyes gleam.

You're not fooled. He is desperate to appeal to you not from genuine adoration, but rather guilty obligation. Although he tried to scrub it from his Magicam profile, you saw the blurry reels and pictures of you fleeing for your life. The detailed descriptions underneath. Each one boasting deliberate timestamps meant for best exposure. He put a bounty on your head with his own hands.

Two can play at that game.

"Block you? I don't have a Magicam account," is your dry response. Cater continues to smile as his eyes close.

"Really? I swear that it was you…" His lips jut out in an insincere pout, tilting his head. You shrug apathetically, hoping the conversation runs itself dead.

"Well, if you do make one, hit me up okay?" Cater calls out after your retreating back.

Once you're in the school corridors and catching your breath, you dig your phone out with shaky hands and pull up Magicam.

Hitting delete account has never felt more relieving.

–

The outfit, in your quiet opinion, was not worth the mental gymnastics you had to do in the botanical garden. Not that you were going to say anything to the very teacher who has been known to treat his students like barking dogs.

"It should fit just fine," Crewel smooths out the crinkles in the fabric before handing it to you. "Go on now. Try it on."

A simple white with a red ribbon bow tie and black slacks. It was rather simple, which is just fine. You didn't need or want to stand out in this party. But you certainly didn't want to end up looking like a slob either. This suit your needs quite nicely.

Smoothing down your shirt, you give a spin as Crewel looks on unimpressed. He waves you off with a dry "Don't expect me to do any more favors for you, pup." You mischievously grin and wave him goodbye as you trot off with your clothes in tow.

The last rays of the sun sets the hallway ablaze with orange and yellow hues. You hum as you take the familiar pathway back to Ramshackle. With everything crazy that’s been going on lately, it gets too easy to be swept up in the moment. As you watch the shadows flicker between the stone pillars, you slow down to observe the scenery for a bit.

The sunset catches a glint and reflects bright white for a moment. You blink and it’s gone when you focus. You stop, confused at the intrusion. 

A loud click echoes behind you, but when you whip around, there’s nothing but the empty hallways.

You stand for a moment in place, waiting and listening apprehensively. Nothing else happens, and it’s with cautious paranoia that you turn around and start speed walking.

iiii. Funeral

It would be impolite to show up to a party without something.

But now as you're standing before the mirror leading to Heartslabyul, you're having second thoughts.

What if it isn't good? You glance down at your box containing the simple custard puddings you were able to make just last night. You didn't really have the skills to make complicated sweets and the puddings only took three ingredients. And your outfit, what if it isn't up to the Queen of Hearts' rules–

"C'mon, [First]! Or else the food will be gone by the time we get there!"

You breathe out a giggle. "I don't think anyone can beat you on your eating speed, Grim."

"You don't know that!" He hops up and down impatiently, waiting for you to adjust the box in your hands.

Right, who cares about any of that?

You follow your companion through the warped glass.

The fresh spring breeze graces you first, then the refreshing scent of flora, and finally, the warmth of the sun on your skin. When you open your eyes, the stretch of viridian green pastures and vibrant flowers greets you. The land of Heartslabyul is as picturesque as you remembered on screen. It feels unreal.

And waiting for you at the end of the path is the very first dorm you've befriended.

"Weird. Where's everyone at?" Grim grumbles, ears twitching in irritation.

The entrance is completely devoid of any human presence. You don’t sense anyone in the building either, which is completely strange. 

Grim's right. Where is everyone? For an incoming tea party, wouldn’t there be various students rushing in and out for the preparations?

“Perhaps they’re in the maze?” You glance warily over to the tall hedges that bloom with beautiful roses. “Should we wait?”

“Ugh, that’s so rude of ‘em to keep us hangin’ though! I say we go lookin’ for them. Who knows how long we gotta stand out here!” Grim shakes his head, distraught at the thought of having to wait for his food. "Let's go to the kitchen!"

"You just want to see if you can eat something." You tut at Grim's scheming face. 

"Mya, so what?!" He yowls. "I'm going and you can't stop me!"

"Grim, wait–" You call anxiously, but your companion is already scampering off into the dorm. You're left with no choice but to take a deep steadying breath and press on. 

But the kitchen room is also empty when the two of you pop in. However, it seems like it was used recently, if not for the smell, then the sight of various dishes laid out on the counter would have clued you in. You sneakily compare your puddings to the spread laid out before you and wonder again if it isn't too late to put them away in a dark corner.

"What do you have there, prefect?" A low voice breathes in your ear. 

You and Grim shriek in tandem, with you almost fumbling and dropping your box and Grim’s signature sharp nails digging into your shins.

The looming presence behind you is revealed to be Trey Clover, who has an apologetic face after spooking the two of you. At least he is conscientious. 

"My bad, my bad," he chuckles, "I should've been more obvious about my arrival." He places a steady hovering hand behind your back. Just barely touching, yet close enough to feel its heat. Embarrassingly, the feeling is soothing enough that you can't find it in yourself to pull away.

"Sheesh, for real! You took some of my life with that, y'know Trey!" Grim hisses, detaching his claws from your poor legs. Trey only laughs and ruffles his head.

"I’m sorry about that Grim. Anyway, you guys came just in time," Trey begins to transfer the dishes onto a wheeled cart. "Food just needs to be carried out and the tea party can begin—but you have something, don't you?"

Regret seeps in when you think of your sad puddings next to all these gorgeous pastries and appetizers. 

“Uhm, I don’t think it’s really needed since you got all this,” you laugh sheepishly as your hands automatically hide the box behind your back.

“No way.” Trey’s smile is warm but firm. When he gently guides your hands to give up the box, you can’t find it in yourself to protest. “It can’t be that bad, since you made it.”

You're struck silent, and Trey immediately takes advantage of your state to press his hand to your back to usher you forward. His fingertips graze your side, and for a second, you swear his lips quirk into a smirk.

You follow alongside Trey as he pushes the cart out through the door.

"By the way, I'm happy to hear you liked the lavender cookies." You look over to see the baker smile warmly. "I would've tried something with the candied violets I had, but I ran out just as I was making them." He sighs as he shakes his head.

Something with the way he's worded it makes it sound like there was more to the story, but you don't care enough to pry further. Trey's golden orbs slide to meet yours discreetly, and you realize he's waiting for you to respond. You murmur an apathetic response back, and he visibly droops.

It's a long, quiet walk through the rose maze.

It seems your arrival with Trey threw everyone off guard. You don't know why they look so alarmed: the venue looks absolutely resplendent. Colorful lanterns dot the tree lines, swinging back and forth cheerily with brightly colored flags. The long table is draped with fine cloth embroidered with intricate lace patterns. There's not a single wrinkle to be seen in the fabric. And the rose bushes, blooming with both red and white roses, are pruned cleanly, not a leaf or branch out of place.

It is a tea party fit for the Queen of Hearts.

"And the guest of honor is finally here!" Easygoing as ever, Cater calls out jauntily to you both. He seems to be the only one not visibly panicking. "Trey, what took ya so long?"

"Had to get the dishes here, you know." He shoots a knowing glare at Cater, who flinches with a sheepish smile. "Someone was supposed to help me, which would've made it a lot faster."

Ah. Cater giggles nervously while twirling his hair. Ace and Deuce exchange disbelieving looks before shaking their heads. 

“Welcome, prefect.” Riddle greets you with a stiff bow. "And Grim." He hastily adds, seeing your companion’s face twist sulkily. The action makes you smile, if only for a moment.

“We’ve been waiting forever for you, Yuu—” Deuce jabs an elbow sharply into Ace’s side, making him cough and sputter mid sentence, but the damage has already been done. Another awkward silence reigns as everyone’s fearful faces are directed at you, trying to figure out how to best traverse the conversational minefield. 

“W-What Acey meant to say is–” Cater is cut off immediately.

"Uh, er, come to think of it, what's your actual name?" Deuce is the one who pushes forward despite everyone else’s horrified looks. As if he had uttered a profane exclamation.

"My…name?" You echo back. 

Right. Since all they knew was the puppet, they didn't know your true name. Heavy silence hovers in the air, even Grim was looking at you in anticipation.

"My name is…" Something chokes your throat. Reluctance? Or fear? 

"[First]. [First] [Last]."

They mutter it among themselves, tasting the syllables and weaving the rhythms of the letters. How strange. With sugar coated lips, their voices ring like church bells for prayer. You're born anew, for the way they look at you is enough to make your heart soar for several fleeting seconds. 

For a brief moment, you could believe that you were with your Heartslabyul again.

The tea party begins like a baby animal: slow, unsure, and always in danger of stumbling to the ground. But it’s Heartslabyul, and who else would know how to best host a party for its guests?

By the time the tea is being poured into your cups, a steady conversation has started naturally flowing between all of you.

“Is there something the matter?” Riddle asks for the nth time as he worriedly gazes at the way your eyes stray to the hedges and whimsical decorations beyond the table.

"Oh uhm…” You hesitate, still not meeting Riddle’s worried face. “Why are the roses both red and white? I thought one of your rules is that tea parties always have white roses." 

Riddle exchanges a look with Trey at your question. 

"That is true, [First], however…" He pauses, before continuing with a determined look. "Red and white roses are customary for parties celebrating with new friends."

“New…friends?” Your hand is frozen at your teacup.

Something fiercely warm fills your chest. There's cautious hope glimmering in Riddle and Trey's eyes. That wasn’t fair. How could they say something like that and not expect you to react? 

The party ends on a light note unlike its stiff beginning. The soldiers gather to see you and Grim off, but once Grim scampers off with his leftovers in paw, her Majesty moves to your side.

“Prefect–no, [First], would you come again?” He asks. His hands are trembling, tugging at your sleeve timidly like a young child again. “F-For an Unbirthday party, of course!”

It’s a request that’s not selfish, you note. Her Majesty’s card soldiers look on expectantly behind their monarch, and it takes everything within you to not collapse. 

“Of course. I can’t wait for it already.”

Your heart weighs heavy. They do not know that the promise is an empty white lie. Though you cherish them, you do not wish to act the role of a doll whose purpose is to play house. 

When they looked at you with those pleading eyes, who did they see? 

Yuu, the puppet they adored for its safe default responses and supportive words?

Or you, the player who has their own flaws and biased personality?

It's okay, you reason.

They won't be able to tell the difference between clay and flesh.

v. Burial

You have a hunch about Yuu.

Only a guess based on many hypotheticals, but better than nothing.

If the puppet stopped working when you arrived, then shouldn't it go without saying that if you left this world, that it would return back to life?

The wooden door creaks open, stirring up dust and sending it flying into the air. You cough and sneeze, waving your hand to disperse the irritant. Serves you right. After all, you refused to step into this room since Yuu's body was hauled here. Didn't even dare to come clean the room. The dust settles and you can finally make out the puppet's silhouette from the waning light rays of the window.

It still adorns its proper NRC uniform, wrinkled in the spots where you had lifted it. It hasn't moved at all from its sprawled pose on the sofa. You remember the dread at realizing the only fitting school uniform you could possibly wear was on this puppet. It only cemented your resolve to break away from the puppet's image. Even if you had to resort to clearing out ancient closets and haggling with faculty, you'd rather take the raggedy shawls and worn flannel over the crisp blazer and button up the puppet wore. 

Its skin has become ashen gray, drained of any life. Old joints creaked in agony when you adjusted it to a sitting position for better examination. For a while, the both of you stare at each other.

Despair tugs at your mind. How long will you be trapped in this world? Has the Headmaster even done anything to help you get home? You snort. He couldn’t even bother doing anything when it was just the vessel. Why would that change now? 

Can you hear me?

The voice, so quiet yet clear, makes you whip your head around. No one's in the room. Are you finally going crazy?

You can hear me, right?

Is one of the ghosts playing a prank on you? You can't pinpoint the source of the voice at all.

I'm here–look!

With dread and fear pooling in your heart, your head turns slowly to meet the doll's eyes; whose pupils are now fixated on you.

The urge to scream and push away the doll is overwhelming. But in a world where the supernatural is natural, you suppose that dolls that can speak are the least impossible thing out there.

I can help you find your way home.

You swallow thickly. Pursing your lips, your grip on its arms tightens as you lean in. Something stirs, and it’s crazy, but you swear it hums in pleasure.

Listen to what I say carefully…

-

Decorations? Check. Refreshments? Check.

Outfits? Check.

So why does it feel like there's something missing?

"What's wrong, Riddle?" He turns to see Trey's concerned face. He gives an awkward smile back.

"I'm not quite sure, but something feels amiss." He explains, rubbing his neck. It's obvious enough to make him feel the familiar slivers of irritation slither through him. 

He tries to will it away. It's a good day, and there was nothing to be angry about. The player–no, [First]–had decided to give them a chance and agreed to come over to celebrate an Unbirthday party with them. Ace and Deuce are behaving as good, law-abiding card soldiers should be. The roses were saturated with dripping red, the dormouse had its nose smeared with jam–so what is this itch that won't go away?

"We can do a double check of everything again," Trey offers gently. “It shouldn’t take too long.”

Riddle shakes his head. “It’s almost time for them to arrive. I will not have them waiting on something that isn’t even a problem.”

“Housewarden~!” Speak of the devil. He turns with a frown at Ace’s loud shout, but it fades to a small smile when he sees you trailing after Ace.

"Hello, Riddle." You smile warmly at him, and his cheeks flush pink.

Wait. He stops. Have you ever called his name? He doesn’t have time to ponder this before he’s interrupted by Trey and Cater bringing in the food.

When everyone is seated and the party is in swing, he notices something.

“Is the food not to your liking, [First]?” He inquires as politely as possible, softening his tone to make it sound less accusatory.

You fluster, waving a hand. “Not at all. I’m just not that hungry right now.”

He decides to leave it, because it’s not as if it’s wrong, per se, if the guest wasn’t eating. He recalls Ace’s previous words to him.

“Housewarden, you really should loosen up a bit! Otherwise you’re gonna end up being a killjoy!”

He may be many things, but he is not a killjoy! Just because he was particular about certain things doesn’t mean he didn’t know how to let go.

But something feels off.

Then he realizes that while the conversation is flowing as usual, you are hardly speaking at all. You only speak when directly spoken to, and even then, it’s short, clipped responses.

He watches incredulously as you pour yourself a cup of tea and then drink it.

The golden scepter materializes in his hand as easily as breathing.

Everyone else reacts explosively, looking alarmed at the scene unfolding. Meanwhile, you merely stare blankly at the end of the scepter nearly several inches from your nose.

"Riddle, hold the phone, what are you doing?!" He barely hears Cater's frantic voice to his left. He's too focused on the way that…that thing is not reacting at all. 

"You. Where is [First]?"

It's silent for a moment, and then a disturbing crooked grin breaks out from its poker face. It starts cackling loudly and it makes his blood start boiling. 

"Start speaking or it's off with your head!" He screeches, scepter shaking uncontrollably in his hands.

"Boo, I was hoping you guys were stupid enough to fall for it.” The thing taunts, leaning back in their chair. 

Red fills his vision. How dare this thing use your visage and breath such vile words? Before he could register it, his arm swipes across. By the time his eyes clear and his breathing steadies, he's staring at a decapitated body that is mangled beyond repair. 

It takes another moment to realize he is not the only one who has raised their magical pen.

Trey is at his right, golden eyes dark as Riddle realizes he positioned himself to shield him. Cater mirrors Trey, but his arms are visibly shaking and his eyes keep switching from him to the broken body on the trimmed lawn. Ace and Deuce had positioned themselves to the backside, but they too, barely seem to be holding themselves together, clenched fists at the ready for physical blows.

“What…” he breathes, “is going on?”

The only answer he gets is the wind whistling through the grass blades.

He collapses to his knees as he fumbles with a body that has been torn asunder, but instead of flesh and bones, he only finds clay and chipped resin.

“What have we done?”

[guxciestone]

💋 ❛ ASTEROID MANIAC (228029) ༉‧₊˚ ☆

(through the signs, houses, and aspects)

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🥀♡

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i’ve been wanting to dive into this asteroid for the longest now. i hope you enjoy and are having a good day. if you have an astrology or tarot recommendations, i’m always willing to considering them. thank you so much 🫶🏽❤️

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Asteroid Maniac (228029) is the asteroid of where and how you seek thrills and excitement in your life; where and how you are willing to take risks without fearing the consequences. On the other hand, this asteroid presents where we exhibit symptoms of wild behavior to an excessive or obsessive extent.

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‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ♡ through the signs ♡

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maniac in aries

These individuals desire to seek true adventure and spontaneity in their life. They seem to always be eager to seek challenges that they can overcome or scenarios in which they can test themselves or others. Additionally, these people love taking on different ventures and activities at once as it keeps them expecting what is going to happen next. This placement also strives to be leaders, take control of things, and make things happen. This often makes independent, expressive, goal-oriented, and dynamic people; they have a bold and passionate approach to anything they are urged to do. On the other hand, this placement can cause the excessive need to lead others which can point to control issues or a domineering personality. Not to mention, there is the possibility of restlessness and constantly seeking action. Their need for action and impulsiveness can lead to them going after things without any forethought and not caring for the consequences. These are the types of people to seek or invoke anger or irritation in others just for entertainment.

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maniac in taurus

People with this placement strive for comfort and stability. These individuals may have a strong need to be financially stable and secure. Additionally, they are always willing to bask in the luxuries and pleasures of life. Therefore, they are more than likely investing in long-term plans and set goals to achieve these things which makes them determined, resilient, and strong-headed individuals. They are also methodical and practical in how they acquire these things. However, these individuals desire stability and security so excessively that they are not likely to adjust their plans or projects for anyone or anything. This can make them stubborn or hard to please. Due to their immense desire for comfort and pleasure, there is also the possibility of overindulgence. These are the types of people who would gain tons of weight to the point when they get health problems or become heavily obsessed with money to the point when they’ll do just about anything to get it.

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maniac in gemini

These people long for intellectual conversation, exploring ideas, learning, and communication. They are restless individuals who have a strong desire to be mentally stimulated by themselves and their surroundings, even to the point of starting controversy or debates. These individuals are always willing to try new things and learn throughout, which makes them versatile people. They have a creative and open-minded approach to do anything they strive to do. This shows that people with this placement are usually innovatively talented, often mastering music, fashion, art, writing and much more. These people are often willing to speak their opinion about things and they aren’t afraid to do it even if they know others won’t receive them well. However, these individuals tend to speak before thinking which can cause disagreements amongst their peers. Additionally, they often struggle with sticking to a certain project or idea without completing it. These individuals need to practice patience and reflective quality, especially when it comes to others’ input.

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maniac in cancer

They have a deep and personal approach to doing the things they long to do. These individuals strive for emotional comfort, intimacy, and security. They are loyal individuals who would do anything to make sure the people they love and care about are safe and comfortable. Hence, they are super nurturing and helpful people. They are always willing to help and connect with others. However, there could be this excessive need to protect oneself or their loved ones. This could make someone who is possessive and clingy. Additionally, these people are afraid of change due to prioritizing their security and familiarity; and they struggle with vulnerability at times due to wanting to preserve their personal world.

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maniac in leo

These individuals desire to be a leader and take on their world. People with this placement do not let anybody or anything dictate them to do anything as they strive to live their life through authenticity, confidence, and boldness. There is this urge for self-expression and ultimate creativity. Additionally, these individuals strive for attention, regal treatment, and appreciation from others, especially for their talents and abilities. From a negative sense, there could be a need for excessive amounts of attention that could cause ego issues of where they feel underestimated or underappreciated by others. Some individuals may try to bring other people down to put themselves on a pedestal, or do absurd things to simply get the attention of others. It is important to accept to show who you are without becoming domineering, arrogant, or attention-seeking.

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maniac in virgo

People with this placement approach life with sensibility, analysis, and mindfulness. These individuals strive for order and structure. They desire to find productive solutions to problems in their life; additionally, they focus on efficiency of things and pay attention to detail. These people are hardworking and disciplined individuals who are always willing to improve themselves and help others. This placement is more than likely to create people who are idealists in their pursuits. However, there could be a tendency to be overly critical of oneself and others, becoming perfectionists. Sometimes these individuals may even be controlling and expecting anything and everything to go their way.

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maniac in libra

These people approach life with calmness, objectivity, and diplomacy. They strongly seek pleasure, peace, justice and balance in their life. Most notably, they desire true connection and relationships with others. These individuals do not mind seeing both sides of the argument and submitting to anyone’s opinions. However, this could cause them to struggle with confronting conflict and decisions or standing up for themselves. These folk also strive to be liked and taken well by others, so they would probably do almost anything to make sure it is that way. This shows that they can lean towards the tendency of being two-faced, fake, or people-pleasing in efforts to get everyone on their side. People tend to not realize that these individuals can be lowkey manipulative if the situation calls for it, especially when they want their image to be perfect and unscathed. They are very intelligent individuals who can adjust things to the way they like it; for instance in drama, fights, and social situations.

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maniac in scorpio

They have a deep, intense, calculated, and introspective way in how they approach their life circumstances. Firstly, these individuals strive for intimacy and confidential elements in their interpersonal relationships and affairs. They desire to get to know themselves and they care about them to a huge degree. This can point to them having a tendency of being secretive and contriving. They want to know everything and anything about someone for the sake of trust and benefiting from it. Additionally, these people long for power and control. Even if it comes to the point where they have to do conniving things to get it, which could give them the tendency of being manipulative and deceptive. On a calmer note, these individuals are not afraid at all to explore the deeper and taboo sides of time, and they desire to. It is important for the people with this placement to respect the boundaries–especially the spiritual boundaries–of others.

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maniac in sagittarius

These individuals tend to have a high-spirited, jovial, and philosophical approach to their life. These people strive to learn, experience, and enjoy the present. They could have a huge love for traveling, exploring different cultures and various topics, and having fun while doing so. These folk are always searching for the next big thing that'll make them feel that spark for living. Not to mention, they love socializing, making friends, and getting to know people as well. However, these individuals can be impulsive because they tend to not have any forethought when they do anything because of their rush to experience what is among their horizons. It is important for these people to not pursue things without any awareness of the consequences. These folk can also be a bit brash and indifferent to other people and their boundaries and feelings. It is crucial that these individuals accept responsibility and the feelings/thoughts of others. This is one of the placements who are more than likely to develop addictions or overindulgent practices.

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maniac in capricorn

People with this placement go after their projects and ideas with a sense of discipline, authority, and maturity. These individuals strive to create stability, success, and achievement in their lifetime. They are hardworking and whenever they desire something, they make sure that they get it, even if it takes unusual activities to do so. They are rigorous individuals, which can cause them to become workaholics if they are not careful. They could be the types to work or indulge in their materials (such as money, cars, etc.) to avoid their psychological issues as it seems to be what they value the most. It is important for these people to find balance in work and self-care. These folks know how to make it happen for themselves, and they are usually aware of what they desire. However, they have a tendency of feeling entitled to have something even when it isn’t necessarily theirs. Not to mention, they can get controlling or uncaring of others feelings or desires as well.

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maniac in aquarius

These people approach life with the idea that they should go against the crowd and challenge conventional ideologies with ideas and projects that are unique, objective, and different. These individuals are strong advocates and they could be drawn to being activists or fighting for the unfortunate or different population. They also strive to stand out from everyone else in the crowd, even the point of being an outcast. These are the types of people who would do bizarre and rebellious things to simply challenge society’s ideas and cause a revolution. Additionally, they aren’t afraid of being trailblazers even if it costs getting criticism or judgment. In other cases, these individuals could have a strong interest in technology and sciences of any sorts; or perhaps they could have multiple friends and love socializing with others, especially others with the same mindset as them. However, these folks need to consider others feelings as they could also struggle with obeying boundaries.

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maniac in pisces

They have a creative, compassionate, and spiritual approach to their life circumstances. Firstly, these individuals are creative and artistic, maybe even spiritual. They could love music, the arts, design, astrology, daydreaming, or the occult. They strive to express themselves through their own personal mediums to get away from the world and fall into their safe space. These people long to stay in their world where they don’t have to come into contact with reality and responsibilities. Nevertheless, these folks could struggle with accepting reality as it is and their natural obligations. This can cause these individuals to fall into addictions or unhealthy activities to help them escape from their problems. Not to mention, they are kind, friendly, and understanding individuals. They long to help others and provide others the comfort and getaway they need to feel in touch with their soul. They want vulnerable relationships with others. However, it is easy for these people to be taken advantage of and drained of their energy; plus, they could become dependent on others' energies for happiness and groundedness. In other cases, these individuals can be unintentionally manipulative or emotionally abusive.

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‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ♡ through the houses ♡

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maniac in the 1st house

These individuals aren’t afraid to do what they want and be themselves. They are confident, assertive, capable, and willful. They are the type to unapologetically do and stand by their beliefs, aspirations, and actions. Most notably, these folks want the most out of life. They strive to live out huge experiences; for example: traveling, skydiving, or going out to parties with strangers. Especially, you do not have to worry about whether you’ll have an eventful time with these people because they search for action and thrill all the time. However, these people can brush people off the wrong way with their brash and impulsive persona. They could come off as indifferent to others and their feelings, so it is important for them to consider the environment before they do what their mind tells them to. Due to the inexplicable confidence and assertiveness, they might strive for attention and acknowledgement for their sense of individuality, which can easily turn them into an attention-seeker. These are also the types of people who would do the most bizarre things to the point where it can even be downright unacceptable. On the bright side, these folks love trying out new appearances; they might love dying their hair, piercing their body parts, trying out tattoos, or indulging in surgery to enhance their looks.

maniac in the 2nd house

People with this placement long for material security, monetary value, and physical stability. These folks tend to know how to set long-term and sustainable goals for themselves in which they can achieve those things. Additionally, they love money. They are the types of individuals to do almost anything to become rich and stable. They also always have their eyes on the goal, and do not let anyone get in the way of it. Most notably, they are mainly focused on practical and material concerns, which can cause them to become a bit stubborn in their ways. This could even point to perfectionism as well. They might love shopping, eating, and spending money on things they adore. Nevertheless, this placement can point to someone being overindulgent or being too hard to please or sway.

maniac in the 3rd house

These people are opinionated, intelligent, and debative individuals. They are always willing to learn, discuss, and communicate with their peers. Additionally, they love connecting and socializing. They find thrill in challenging their/other’s minds, even to the point of presenting controversial or touchy subjects. One thing about these folks is that they aren’t afraid to say what they want to say. It is possible that they may have been considered a black sheep in their school years, making them feel misunderstood. Not to mention, these individuals tend to be open-minded to a whirlwind of topics, and they can be creative in their thought processes. However, these people may need to learn to filter their words and thoughts as it is easy for them to not be received well due to their controversial and impulsive opinions and thoughts. This placement, on the extreme spectrum.

maniac in the 4th house

They have a deep-seated connection to their past, home, familial connections, and the emotional and spiritual aspects of their life. These individuals strive to feel a personal environment and safe haven for themselves, and maybe even their loved ones. Additionally, they long for protection and to protect. These folks want to be in touch with their inner world and dive into themselves. However, this can point to the huge fear of moving on from the past and shows that these individuals have many traumas and issues to heal and confront. Furthermore, these people could become possessive and obsessive over their loved ones too. They would do almost anything for the people they care about, and you can imagine how they would be as a parent.

maniac in the 5th house

These individuals have a strong desire to express themselves through their individuality and creative talents. They are often drawn to the dance, music, fashion, and other forms of artistic expression. Furthermore, these folks strive for fun and pleasure in their life–they are the types to love going to parties, taking care of children, and indulging in their favorite hobbies. They tend to have an innocent, optimistic, and naive point of view of the world, and they are always seeking to explore new things too. However, these people can often submit to the tendency of escaping their reality through their leisure pursuits to ignore their responsibilities and practical concerns. Additionally, these individuals have more of a unique–maybe even an entirely eccentric way–of expressing themselves than others. They are more than likely to stand out from others due to their intriguing and different talents and hobbies.

maniac in the 6th house

People with this placement strive for working hard and creating a structure in their daily life. They are individuals who want perfection in their projects, efficiency in their skill, and a routine in everything they do. Not to mention, they value dedication in approach to their goals. They might be the types who care vastly about their health, the nutrition they eat, and their wellbeing. However, this could cause these individuals to be perfectionists or overwork themselves to a troublesome degree. It is almost that they could struggle with stepping out of their routine to accommodate to anything, which can also make these people incredibly stubborn and controlling. There needs to be a balance in regards to their routine, work and personal life. This placement could even cause fear or anxiety such as intrusive thoughts (perhaps even OCD in extreme cases) when they try to rebel against their routine. People with this placement might like the idea of owning exotic pets.

maniac in the 7th house

These people value their connections and interpersonal relationships. They strive to understand the perspectives of the people they are involved with, whether that be romantically, platonically, or professionally. These folks always strive to connect and engage. However, this placement can point to an individual having a strong need for independence in a relationship; they might feel a push to rebel and act merciless in the relationship, not respecting the other partner’s boundaries and feelings. On the other hand, this could indicate someone who has a strong need for dependence in a relationship; they desire for someone to count on them for everything or vice versa. These are the types of individuals who jump into multiple relationships in a short period of time. They cannot live without one. Additionally, these folks could have a chaotic dating history and a line of unexpected partners in regards to their type. In other cases, this placement can indicate that they may attract insane or mad people into their love life.

maniac in the 8th house

They strive for intimacy and deep soul-seated connections, whether that be platonic or romantic. They strive to be vulnerable with others and for others to be vulnerable with them. These people desire power and control amongst many levels because this is what they are comfortable doing. They are the type of person to hex someone who they have it out for. Not to mention, these individuals could want to push boundaries and indulge in taboo practices such as spirituality, the occult, etc. This placement can indicate someone who has unusual, scary, or inappropriate sexual fantasies. However, these folks can have the tendency of going beyond other’s limits and becoming controlling. In extreme cases, these individuals could use vicious methods to keep people under their grasp.

maniac in the 9th house

These individuals long to expand their horizons, discover new things, and live their reality through spirituality and deep wisdom. These are the type of people who are highly devoted to divine practices such as meditation, shadow work, reiki healing, and much more. Furthermore, these folks love to explore and invest in different religions, cultures, and belief systems–even the ones that aren’t accepted by society. These people might like to indulge in unconforming religious practices. This shows that people with this placement have a deep appreciation and acceptance for people, religions, practices, and cultures from anywhere. This placement also increases the chances to connect with diverse people and gain unique ideas throughout their life. These individuals may have certain ideologies and belief systems that others may consider odd. Additionally, they might have a strong desire to travel to unusual places such as countries with eccentric standards of living. On the other hand, these people may want to go to college for a different degree or they want to go to a special type of college from others. However, it is easy for these individuals to develop a superiority complex or become too idealistic. They could struggle with believing that their system of beliefs and philosophies are objective, and that other people’s opinions and ideas are just as important and objective too. They have a tendency of believing that everything they stand for is the correct thing. On an extreme note, this could create scrupulosity as well–higher obsession with religious and/or personal morals to the point of compulsivity.

maniac in the 10th house

These people are goal-oriented, dedicated, and hardworking. They value their career success, public image, status, and legacy they leave behind in this world. Not to mention, they are progressive individuals as they strive to achieve their highest aspirations with no stopping. They’ll persist with accomplishing their biggest desires and will do just about anything to do so. On the contrary, these individuals could have the tendency to become too ambitious, and their ambition could more than likely lead to their downfall. (when I think of this placement, I immediately think of Macbeth or Jay Gatsby because they are the epitome of overly ambitious characters) Additionally, their ambition could lead to them doing many things just to get to where they want to be. They could even become obsessed with status and power and become controlling individuals. On a positive note, these people are relentlessly determined and it is hard for them to give up on what they truly want from life. However, it is important for these people to make sure to maintain professionalism and boundaries in the workplace as they could have the tendency to be entitled.

maniac in the 11th house

Individuals with this placement strongly prioritize and long for their goals, hopes and dreams, friendships, and society. These people will advocate for their friend groups and communities immensely as they long for a sense of belonging and also want to protect the space that accepts them the most. These folks are never afraid to make new friends, even with people that society wouldn’t desire to connect with–such as outcasts, criminals, etc. They are compassionate and open to anyone being a part of their clique. These people also strongly strive to pursue large projects, social reforming activities, and serving the community; and they aren’t afraid to do so. This makes them rebels who would rather do the complete opposite of what is expected of them to prove their point on their values. They will do just about anything to make sure their community or a certain group of people get the security, respect, and hope they deserve. On the other hand, it is easy for these individuals to become distant and indifferent to others and their feelings as well as get caught up in abrupt situations due to self-sacrificing for the people they care about (especially in their social circle) It is important for the people with this placement to not rely on validation from your community and friends too much.

maniac in the 12th house

They try to hide the animalistic, excessive, and wild qualities of themselves; in fact, they may assume that they are the complete opposite. However, the very traits they try to defy only appear through their subconscious and inner self, and eventually become their shadow qualities. It is easy for these individuals to live life controlling their instinctive qualities and inhibit themselves. However, they carry much of their uncultivated qualities inside of themselves. Firstly, these folks are strongly focused with their inner world and imagination. They long to daydream and escape from the real world into their unadulterated mind where they can be without holding back. This placement can point to an obsession or strong desire with the occult, metaphysics, or spirituality. However, this can also point to a whirlwind of many unfiltered but pent up emotions–unresolved fears, emotions, and blockages. Hence, it is easy for these individuals to get wrapped up in their own world and make themselves go crazy. In extreme cases, this placement can point to mental illness, anxiety, or personality disorders. It is essential for these individuals to learn to embrace this side of themselves and to stop holding in all of their excessive qualities and accept it as a part of them.

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‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ♡ through the aspects ♡

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sun-maniac

These individuals have a charismatic, goal-oriented, and assertive personality. With this aspect, there is this strong need for achievement, accomplishment, and recognition. These people are unafraid and strive to create the best version of themselves; at the same time, they are open and willing to be who they are with no apologies. They carry themselves in a unique and controversial way so effortlessly. However, there are times where this individual may be unpredictable and erratic. Additionally, there is a tendency for these people to be controlling or manipulative.

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moon-maniac

Firstly, these people are deeply attuned with their emotions, and they are always open to basking in them. They also seek emotional comfortability and vulnerability with others. On the other hand, there could be a struggle to control or balance one’s emotions and handle their wellbeing. They might be overly sensitive, childish, or lack to respect boundaries. It is important to find a healthy compromise with your inner world and your outer world. Rationalizing and understanding one’s feelings through forms of therapy or art may help these individuals.

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mercury-maniac

These folks have a unique and special way of communion and logically expressing themselves to others. They may use a medium of art to do so, or they have an eccentric way of communication. Furthermore, they take in information way different from others, and they most definitely view the world differently too. Not to mention, they have distinctive opinions and thought processes that make them stand out from the crowd. However, it is important for these individuals to have a filter when communicating with others as it is easy for them to start a controversy and ruffle someone’s feathers. It is important to be kind and gentle with others in your means of communication.

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venus-maniac

These individuals love the idea of love and connections. Most notably, they like being in love and developing interpersonal relationships, whether that be platonically, romantically, or in other forms. They hold very specific values when it comes to love, beauty, the arts, and much more. And they aren’t afraid to execute those said values because that is what they’ll stand by. These are the types of folks who adore shopping for new clothes, indulging in foods, and doing their makeup all the time. However, it is easy for these people to become easily obsessed with their relationships, their physical appearance, their money and much more. They may even get controlling. It is important to not get wrapped up in their ideals.

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mars-maniac

These people are deeply driven and competitive individuals. They will do anything and everything to achieve their goals, dreams, and desires. Most notably, they are unapologetically assertive and brave go-getters. They could have a tendency to become overly aggressive and domineering, expecting others to submit to them. They might feel the need to force their way into being respected, which will only cause hate and disorder amongst others and their own reputation. It is important for these individuals to be kind, gentle, and respectful with others and to balance their aggression and masculine parts of their personality.

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jupiter-maniac

This placement indicates one having an impulse to explore and push their luck, to live an active life, and ultimately strive for personal freedom. These individuals tend to have a “you only live once” type of mindset, or they are more lenient when it comes to restrictions, regulations and abiding by the rules. This is only because they have an urge to live without anything tying them down. However, this could also point to them having tendencies in excessive indulgence such as alcohol, food, and etc. Additionally, there could be a habit of taking risks without fearing the consequences.

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saturn-maniac

These individuals are often disciplined, firm, and thoughtful in their endeavors; they may know how to stay focused and pursue their aspirations. When they have goals to pursue, it is easy for them to attain the ambition needed to accomplish them because they care for their dreams so much. Not to mention, they are fairly meticulous people as they are usually good at planning for the future and successfully going about things. However, there is also the tendency of being too invested in planning and becoming cautious and stagnant in approaching those goals. While on the other hand, some individuals may struggle to stay realistic when it comes to their goals. It is easy for them to be swept up by “what it could be” instead of simply going after it logically. This aspect calls for the individual to be able to balance enthusiasm and ambition with caution and maturity. It is important to be able to stay realistic–but do not feel discouraged–about your goals. As those tendencies can cause one to make rash and poor decisions due to a misguided optimism.

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uranus-maniac

Characters with this placement tend to have a drive and excitement for change, freedom, innovation and liberation. They may feel strongly about social justices, activism, and many other social-related communities. Additionally, these people are always hoping to beat around the push and challenge the usual to turn it into something new and unconventional. These individuals have a unique sense of individuality, and they feel so strongly about demonstrating their sense of individuality to others with no apologies. However, it is easy for these people to forget about others and the rational and make decisions and changes without considering the potential consequences. And they could easily embarrass themselves or cause chaos. Furthermore, they strive to be open to new ideas and perspectives.

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neptune-maniac

These individuals dedicate a significant portion of their lives to the unknown, spirituality, intuition, and imagination. They are often creative, interested, and artistic; they more than likely strive to stay in their own world as it is what drives them individually. However, it is easy for these folks to lose themselves in the realm of their vivid fancy. Excessive idealism and a struggling balance between spirituality and practicality is possible with this aspect. It is especially possible for one to neglect their practical responsibilities due to their excessive attention to their inner world. This aspect could also make someone susceptible to mental illness or delusions in extreme cases.

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pluto-maniac

Individuals with this placement have a significantly different way of handling the abrupt changes and transformations that occur in their lifetime. At the same time, these people have a strong need to adapt to many changes and repeatedly start over in life. These are the types of folks who constantly move to a different home, change their physical appearance, and in extreme cases, change their entire identity. Only because there is a drive to start over and transform into a type of person that is appropriate for them at that time. However, it is important to find a balance in changes. It is easy for these individuals to become excessive in their creative outlets as well as let their emotions and turmoil get the best of them in dire situations.

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ascendant-maniac

These individuals tend to have a complex and intricate self-concept and sense of who they are in the world; they might prioritize their sense of selves to an extreme degree and strive to find exactly who they are and how they contribute to themselves and others on a day-to-day, face-to-face basis. That is why these people may have tendencies of struggling with balancing between their personal priorities and others’ and the outside world’s needs. On one hand, they are entirely focused on themselves to the degree of being self-absorbed, while on the other hand, they are entirely focused on serving others to the degree of neglecting their character. It is important these folks learn to find temperance in a strong sense of self and being open and grounded. It is also easy for them to go insane as they can sometimes drown in the day-to-day routine and autopilot. It is important for these individuals to find true meaning in their life, relationships, and other areas they may have never thought about or neglected.

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midheaven-maniac

These folks put an immense amount of work, dedication, and persistence in regards to their career goals, works, and aspirations. The need for personal recognition and accomplishment is so huge for these individuals, that it is possible that they may feel they could do just about anything to pursue them–even neglecting their personal life. There is also an issue with modesty within this aspect. The approach to success can easily get the best out of these people and turn them into controlling, domineering, and inconsiderate individuals. Not to mention, they hope to reach for the stars–which is good in most cases–but it could lead to them being completely unrealistic and letting their ambition take over without any planning, rigidity, or cautiousness.

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thank you for viewing my post! it’s been a while since i’ve posted, so i’m happy that i’m trying to become active again. god bless you all and have an amazing rest of the day 😊❤️✨

[daportalpractitioner]

the 12th house + your period

the 12th house is associated with the menstrual phase of your cycle. during the menstrual phase, our wombs are not only shedding on a physical level, but on an energetic level. we are participating in self-undoing as we shed harmful attachments which is ruled by the 12th house. the 12th house is also "the void" and the menstrual cycle is associated with the nu moon phase of the moon cycle which is in fact - a void. it is best for women who are menstruating to remain introspective + stay in solitude during her bleed - solitude being ruled by the 12th house.

aries 12H: your period may be physically painful + internally chaotic. she can also come knocking on your door unexpectedly. she is here to help you shed attachments that refrain you from dishonoring your true power. your period can feel like a time of renewal for you each month. it's possible that you may have tended to disregard your cycle at first + not deem the importance of it, and were met with reproductive issues from not prioritizing your physical health. aries 12th housers should do very light workouts to get your qi flowing so that the womb can have the energy to push you through the (re)birth canal.

taurus 12H: this is the type of woman that can eat chocolate in bed + cuddle up while watching a movie during her period (and should!). your period is here to help you shed attachment from the things that aren't adding true value to your life. if you've been holding yourself up to a high standard, there are no afflictions in your 12th house, and if venus isn't being afflicted in your chart, your period could be a calm time with nothing more than a bit of discomfort. otherwise, taurus 12th housers could experience heavy pain + cramping as well as a sign that it's time to level up. remove all stressors during this time as stress can also trigger menstrual pains.

gemini 12H: during your period, your mind could be running at 1000 miles per minute, making it more difficult for you to be present, still, and introspective. there's nothing like the downloads that you receive on your bleed. your intuition is on point, so any uncertainty can be met with clarity during your cycle as your aha moments can multiply. you can optimize your spiritual gifts by using this time for astral traveling + divination serves as powerful guidance and confirmation for you during this phase. a variety of PMS symptoms are commonly experienced with this placement, especially unpredictable mood swings. you can use this time to creatively brainstorm and write down any sudden ideas which come to mind, but wait until after your period to actually start any projects.

cancer 12H: the need to crawl into your shell to protect your innerG is crucial. when this time is honored well, this is a rejuvenating period for you. use this time to get some serious rest + reflection in. this is the perfect time to focus on matters of the home, making sure that your home still aligns with you and brings out the best of you. do an emotional check-in and reset for yourself during your period. cancer 12H natives often carry the burdening pain + trauma of the women ancestors that has come before them so you can use this time as a period of karmic healing to release the baggage that was passed down to you. your period may be a very sensitive time with low pain tolerance for not honoring your womb in the ways she deserves to be cared for.

leo 12H: many leo 12H natives are unaware of their cycles and therefore experience heavy PMS symptoms without even thinking that maybe they could be the issue. the nature of your period is connected to the story that you tell about your period. if you say that your period is this really painful, negative experience, you will continue to experience it negatively. lean into creating a positive narrative about your period; for example - my period is an exciting time for me to rest and become the best version of myself! similar to cancer 12th housers, your period is a very sensitive time and is not afraid to act up when you don't honor your womb's needs + love her wholeheartedly. this is the perfect time for self-love healing as painful periods are an indication of inadequate self-love with this placement.

virgo 12H: naturally, you may experience issues surrounding your period because of virgo's nature of being a "fixer". issues could manifest as painful periods + health issues related to the womb. your period is a detox time in order for the womb space to be purified. in order for the womb to undergo an efficient detox, conscious eating would be super beneficial for you, especially during the luteal phase of your cycle. creating a health regimen around your period is also very beneficial for healing any issues that you may be experiencing monthly.

libra 12H: your period is here to help you restore balance in life by urging you to release the ways in which you have put others before yourself. this is coming back to the essence of the divine feminine. any pain + unfortunate symptoms that arise during your period can indicate you over-exercising your masculine energy. your period reminds you that you should not find yourself in a space of chasing anything or trying to control any situation, putting you in a prime position for receiving just as nature has intended. periods are a time for realignment for those who surrender and leave it to the Divine to shift them where they need to be.

scorpio 12H: your period can usher in transformation through a (painful) death + rebirth process. your womb is shedding emotional baggage that it has not forgotten and has stubbornly been holding onto. this is a time where you would want to cut things or people off that are no longer a reflection of a high self-esteem. though this can be an emotionally intense and painful time, you can transmute this innerG to make it an empowering time rather than just a painful time. these are growing pains that you're actually experiencing. scorpio 12H natives need to find their power in their period. magick would even be highly beneficial for you to practice as your energy is super potent and magnetizing during this time.

sagittarius 12H: this is a time for you to gain insights and wisdom from the previous cycle, innerstanding the significance + purpose of that experience. the downloads go crazy during your period as your womb is consistently emitting spiritual knowledge. things can get spiritually intense and you can feel the need to switch up your flow, expand, or change direction based on divine insight given to you. it's easy for you to disregard your needs so make sure that you're taking care of your menstrual health + indulging in womb enriching foods + activities.

capricorn 12H: your period is a phase you need to take extra seriously in your cycle. she is not here for the play play! she's here to assist you on this level up to success. it's important to practice discipline on your period, especially when it comes to taking care of your health + wellness. there's a need to dismantle how the patriarchy has affected how you perceive your period. use this time as a time to rest - it's so important and this placement can humble you if you don't. you hurt your womb by participating in overexerting your masculine energy during a season of rest. your karmic lesson here is to reconnect with your femininity through your womb. infertility can be a theme + womb disorders can manifest from the disconnect to your feminine nature.

aquarius 12H: there is this innate detachment to your womb, especially if there has been a disconnection between you and your mother. you may experience or have experienced irregular periods due to the influence of uranus. this is a time for you to do some deep healing + innovation each month. your period can feel like a spiritual upgrade as you detach from whats no longer serving your vision. dive deep into the collective consciousness + use your period as a time to reflect on how you're being called to show up for the collective. there's a need to embrace your womb + honor her, not reject her. also, make sure you're taking time to be present in the moment as you can experience the difficulties of being still.

pisces 12H: you are deeply + psychically connected to your womb. you know when your period is coming + you naturally feel connected to all the phases of your cycle as they all have an effect on your body. allow this time to be a time for much rest + solitude. this could be a very sensitive time with heavy emotional releases. disregarding the unaddressed emotional turmoil taking a toll on your womb can allow the manifestation of disease in the womb to take place. spiritual upgrades leading you to feel closer to God happen during this time as well. you may have grown up not innerstanding the importance of your cycle + perceived your period to be a time of suffering rather than a very healing + empowering time. i'd highly recommend cycle syncing for cycle awareness.

[saintjosie]

apologies if you’ve talked about something this before, but your post on experiencing exclusion in trans fem circles on account of being an east asian woman who speaks up came up on my dash and it reminded me of something that‘a been troublingme.

i’m also asian and trans, and i’m always really sent off-kilter when i see white trans people idealizing japanese aesthetics and asian people in general. so many white trans people use anime tropes and aesthetics while also othering real asian people, esp other asian trans people. does it feel appropriative/fetishistic to you?

i guess it’s just something that echoes general white-centric society but it feels like a lot of white trans people focus more on their transness and forget that their whiteness doesn’t just go away or get excused, if that makes sense

this is a great ask with no easy answer. the short answer is yes, you’re absolutely right, but there is also a lot of nuance that’s very important to address too.

white people in general have an enormous problem with misunderstanding the difference between appropriation and appreciation. and that applies to appropriating the culture of all people of color because appropriation is a symptom of colonization. part of that is because it’s very difficult to have a catch-all definition that clarifies the distinction between the two because each person approaches the things they consume in a different way, with varying levels of excitement. i simply cannot point a finger at all white people who enjoy anime and say, “this is bad”, because it simply is not true. it would be just as harmful if a white person were to say, “i would never watch anime because i think it’s weird”, because while appropriation is objectively a form of colonization, appreciation is a celebration of diversity. and celebration of diversity is good!

but i think you hit the nail on the head when you say that a lot of white queer and trans people forget that even though that they are oppressed by cis heterosexual patriarchy, the intersection of oppression that exists between oppressed identities and race means that as white people, they still have white privilege. full stop. and so we often have this issue, especially with young queer and trans people (young as in newly realized queerness and transness, not age) where there is a pause in deconstructing whiteness because they are too focused on deconstructing the privilege that they have suddenly lost by embracing their marginalized identities.

and the issue goes even deeper when you realize that people of color also struggle to realize that we often also perpetuate and contribute to oppression of other people of color as well. east asian people in particular forget that even though we are people of color, we do not face the same kind of oppression that black and brown people of color do, and often we perpetuate racism through appropriation of black culture and also just straight up racism. i think most asian people can attest to how often asian people can be racist as fuck. and i’ve definitely seen asian people who think it’s acceptable to make aave and using the n-slur a part of their personality. and at the same time there is an enormous problem with black people fetishizing asian people and latching on to anime and k-pop in ways that perpetuate the oppression of asian people, as well as just being racist towards asians in general.

and root of the issue is that white supremacy affects all of us. EVERYONE has whiteness to deconstruct because we all live in a system that was built on white supremecy, even if we do not have white privilege ourselves. the answer is that everyone period must bear the burden of constantly deconstructing whiteness, deconstructing our own privilege, and doing our part to lift each other up. and while it is true that white people often have the most work to do in deconstructing their own privilege, none of us are absolved.

[demonslayerunhinged]

Unhinged theory:

Sanemi has some form of anxiety

Let me explain:

We all know Sanemi is depressed but I think he has some kind of anxiety disorder too. The evidence is based on two categories:

Sleep Deprivation

Anxiety & Stress

Sleep Deprivation

For this point, I made the diagram below(yes, I have no personal life 😔).

The main symptom that supports the sleep deprivation theory is his bloodshot eyes. Sanemi's eyes are always bloodshot and he always has eyebags, even when he's in a relaxed state (you can tell because his 'eye dots' are larger) which could be an indication of lack of sleep.

His scraggly hair could also be a symptom because aside from Giyuu (who has depression) he's the only Hashira that doesn't seem to take care of his hair.

Another observation I made is that Sanemi is always leaning on something or hanging on something. He also puts his chin on his hand/palm, I do that when I'm tired too.

Or sometimes, he hangs on to his belt.

It seems like a stretch but he does these things often and he's the only character -that I know of- that does this. It could just be a character quirk though, due to his ghetto upbringing.

He's also the only one visibly tired after the training session between him, Obanai, and Muichiro.

I noticed in the first episode of the Hashira Training Arc right after the Infinity Fortress trial period expired and he ended up stabbing the floor, he immediately sat down. Why? Seems like a weird thing to do .

Then there's all the wobbling he does in the mansion while fighting the demons.

Anxiety & Stress

The evidence for this has to do more with his behavior and actions, especially his anger and impulsive decisions. Most people associate anxiety with fear which makes sense but anxiety can also manifest as anger too.

From the article linked below,

Anxiety causes anger for several reasons. At its peak, anxiety can cause overwhelming emotions and thoughts that make you lash out in an attempt to regain your sense of power in a stressful situation.

Anxiety as anger can be triggered by:

Flight-or-fight response - when he feels threatened

Emotional exhaustion - from his past trauma and loss

Perceived loss of control - encounters with Tanjiro(bestest boy ❤)

Cognitive distortions - his belief that he's a monster, that he has to shoulder things by himself etc.

The perceived loss of control I feel is a defining factor for the two drastic decisions he's known for:

Stabbing Nezuko – A Corps member has been harboring a demon. In his mind, the Corps has been infiltrated, and Tanjiro’s probably been feeding Nezuko people.

Trying to poke Genya’s eyes out – His brother has been eating demons. He probably fears that Genya will turn into a demon and then he will have to kill his only surviving family member. Or that Genya will die early if he continues eating demons and fighting.

When it comes to stress, he displays the following symptoms:

Irritability

Anger

Grumpiness

Always on edge

Restlessness

Impatience

His impatience with others and with himself, with him trying to get the mark as fast as possible also points to anxiousness. His white hair too! He hair probably turned prematurely grey due to environmental stress, taking care of his family, worrying about keeping them safe, his violent upbringing and probably lack of nutrients from food because he would most likely have his younger siblings eat all the food instead of him.

So everything is all tied together. His anxiety from past trauma contributes to his present anxiety which prevents him from getting proper sleep and increases his stress levels which leads to even more anxiety.

But how does he fight and stay so alert then?

I think his anxiety disorder is high functioning plus he takes a lot of matcha tea which has caffeine. His constant eating of ohagi probably also keeps him hyper too.

Another piece of evidence that solidifies my theory is the appearance of his eyes in the last chapters.

Probably had that sleep he hadn't gotten in years.

In Conclusion, our boy Sanemi has some form of Generalized Anxiety Disorder and is highly stressed due to lack of sleep which is why he acts and looks like a crackhead. He needs some sleep and possibly to get laid.

[wheelie-sick]

I was talking to some friends about a phenomenon in the POTS community where someone will share their heart rate and someone else will immediately try to one up them with theirs. simultaneously, these people would try to drag down anyone with more severe symptoms because they'd feel invalidated by their existence. it got me thinking about the broader problem of both competitiveness and willful erasure of people with more severe symptoms within the chronic illness community.

I wanted to dump all the thoughts I had out here.

it's easy to say that everyone in the chronic illness community has struggled with competitiveness, whether internal or external. society teaches chronically ill people that we must scream the severity of our symptoms from the rooftops in order to be seen, in order to be given any scrap of accommodation. chronically ill people are taught that only the sickest can receive any accommodations.

when people enter the chronic illness community they bring that same attitude. they feel the need to shout from the rooftops that they are truly sick, that they belong in the community. too many people spend no time deconstructing their need to be the worst even when the community tries to call them out on it.

you don't need to prove how sick you are

simultaneously it's important to acknowledge that there is a spectrum of severity. that cannot be forgotten. acknowledging that some people do truly have it worse is not the same as competitively comparing yourself to others.

going back to POTS as an example- there is a huge difference between someone who gets dizzy and has a heart rate of 130bpm at its highest and someone who faints multiple times a day and has a heart rate of 200+bpm at its highest. you cannot ignore that in favor of trying to abolish the "sick olympics" because that diminishes the difference in experience.

too many people with more mild conditions try to drag down people with more severe conditions in an attempt to feel like they are sick enough. they feel invalidated by the existence of people who have it worse than them. instead of working on their internal need to feel like they are sickest they attempt to destroy the spectrum of experiences, reducing it down to one flat layer where everyone has the same level of disability.

other people having it worse than you is not invalidating your struggles

and I think this is the core of what the "sick olympics" is about. it's about comparison, yes, but most importantly it's about dragging people down in favor of feeling like your experience is real. comparison can be harmful in some situations, but that's not really the point. that's not what drives the true harm that this behavior does to the community.

the dragging down of people in an attempt to create one flat layer of experience harms the most vulnerable members of the community. often this behavior is done in the name of abolishing the "sick olympics" but it is the core problem. trying to turn the experience of disability into a uniform level of severity is done because of that exact feeling of invalidation. deconstructing that feeling of the need to be worst involves accepting that some people do have it worse. it is not the fault of people with more severe conditions that you feel invalidated by their existence.

bringing down people with more severe conditions will not fix your need to be the worst.

[kafus]

i wont feel offended if you ignore this ask btw, i get that its asking something kind of personal! but can i ask what you mean by the internet treating DID as magical?

hi i actually enjoy DID questions don't worry LOL and i'm in the mood rn

when most people think about DID they are usually thinking about very overt cases with very distinct alters with vastly different personalities, different names, gender identities, etc. while this is a popular angle to imagine DID, overt cases like that are actually a pretty small percentage of what DID tends to look like. (of course, social media can push people's presentation to become more overt, which isn't fake/bad or anything, humans are social animals and the way we interact with each other can affect even our mental illnesses. additionally some people will become more overt after receiving therapy while they start communicating with alters for the first time. but my point is DID is not usually that strikingly obvious)

this popular perception also leaves out a lot of the rest of DID which falls in line with what people consider more "typical" disorders, PTSD symptoms galore, dissociation/dissociative amnesia, somatic pains and illness, comorbid conditions and physical disabilities. i think if people had more of an understanding of the non-alter parts of DID, it would ground the disorder a lot more and make it a lot less "magical" seeming.

but overall it all comes back to like... people not understanding that DID is just an extension of PTSD and other parts-based disorders. the same psychological process that makes PTSD/C-PTSD happen, BPD, etc, is what causes DID, it's just pushed to a far extreme due to when the trauma is experienced (very early childhood) and other factors surrounding that trauma, such as the length of time the trauma occurred over, or whether or not the child had stable caregivers and/or relief from traumatic events. DID is not some sort of completely separate category of mental illness - alters (the DID definition of them) may be unique to DID, but they come from the same place a ton of other mental illnesses do and there's a ton of overlapping symptoms between DID and pretty much every disorder caused by trauma.

i often see people act like DID is some far off life experience they couldn't even fathom or imagine living with, but if anyone just actually explained this shit properly i'm pretty sure most people, especially traumatized people, would go "oh that makes sense" and not feel so estranged from it lol. it's really frustrating because people continuing to see DID as this sort of magical, far-off experience, takes the disability/disorder out of it in conversation about it (people can only ever seem to talk about alters) and it also usually ends up spreading misinformation at the same time. there's sooo much bullshit about DID out there. good grief. it even hurts other people with trauma-based conditions that aren't DID

edit: wait also btw OSDD-1 is included in this conversation, i'm just using DID as shorthand instead of typing DID/OSDD every time and i am personally diagnosed with DID so lol