#Assbag

[sweaterkittensahoy]

Just watched a video about the Wool & Folk fuckery, and I cracked up because the guy doing the commentary did a great job putting the facts together but is NOT a fiber artist. More than once, he went, "I don't understand why there's so much drama in a knitting festival."

Oh, my sweet summer child.

Oh, my dear heart.

Oh, you actual babe in the woods.

While absolutely and unquestionably terrible, W&F is TAME.

[hoiist]

how is Xucie's name pronounced?

Assbag.

[deathepicx]

I use survivor subreddits to vent about my trauma on and some dipshit came I to the comments on one labeling the christians within the catholic hospital that did horrific things to me and many other children as "not true christians", pulling the whole "christians don't do that and they aren't actually christian" bullshit, and then in dms asked if they could make a movie out of my story??? Fuck off.

[who-is-muses]

@dramatisperscnae | Send your character's height and I'll compare it to mine. [ accepting ]

5'11" Kyle @ Guy owo

It may be only a single inch, but that won't stop Guy from making short jokes.

[mcbitchtits]

also while i'm on a talking about my tiny hometown streak, j. d. vance sucks ass and my town is half as big as his (which is fucking MIDDLETOWN) and none of us are appalachia you dumb fuckwit

[coulsonlives]

/r/onguardforthee becomes a shining example of horseshoe theory, more news at 11

[beetlelemonade]

I’m getting back into my hero and it just makes me remember my many feelings on bakugou. Like he’s a very complex character and I truly adore him but also I have moments where all I want is for him to be dumbed down to the single trait of being a dickwad and have him suffer and face unnecessary consequences and then four minutes later I need to read about his growth as a character and see him be happy and successful and then four minutes later I’m going “DIE SUFFER NO ONE LOVES YOU” again. He makes me feel these things for no reason

[obsessivevoidkitten]

Jaime Part 2

Male Vampire Yandere x Gender Neutral Asshole Harassing Me With A Request

(CW: noncon, death, suicide)

Word count: a few

(Here ya go assbag, since you feel entitled to my work and time, hope you enjoy)

Whilst Jaime was doing the sex, boinking you quite boinkishly, he suddenly couldn't fight his vampiric thirst and sucked you dry.

Afterwards he was distraught and drove a stake through his own heart and crumbled to dust.

The end.

[coloredsnowo]

*Dick and Jason beating the shit out of each other on the carpet*

Tim: Why are you guys constantly fighting each other. You could be like. fighting crime.

Dick: We already do that. This is out free time.

Jason: We follow our bliss.

Dick: Yeah assbag you were sure 'following your bliss' when you ate my slice of cake

Jason: *hits Dick in the face* OH SHI- SORRy (please don't te-)

Dick: *tears in eyes* alfREEEEEEED

[glassbirdfeather]

All of Elden Ring's Banned Words

Let's find out together what tumblr will do to me for dumping ~1300 slurs into a text post. These are all the words listed within 'GR_NGWord.fmg', which is used to censor any offensive names input by players.

This list was implemented in the laziest way possible, and just replaces any part of a name which contains a banned word with asterisks, with no consideration for context.

This means that my in game name shows up as "Gl***Bird".

Dark Souls 3 famously used the same system, resulting in the word "knight" being censored as "k***ht". I doubt that this part of the game code has been much altered since then.

Some of these are hilarious, which is why I'm making this post. Some are less so. While I would hope anyone looking under the cut would be smart enough to understand this, I know I need to spell it out for some people: There are offensive words in this post.

Come, allow Elden Ring to teach you new slurs. And old ones, too, you slattern, you.

69, 666, 1cup, 2girls, 2girls1cup, 5h1t,

a$$, abortion, ahole, aids, alabama hot pocket , anal, anal sex, analsex, angrydragon, angrydragons, angrypenguin, angrypenguins, angrypirate, angrypirates, anus, apeshit, arsehole, artard, askhole, ass, ass 2 ass, ass hole, ass kisser, ass licker, ass lover, ass man, ass master, ass pirate, ass rapage, ass rape, ass raper, ass to ass, ass wipe, assbag, assbandit, assbanger, assberger, assburger, assclown, asscock, asses, assface, assfuck, assfucker, assfukker, asshat, asshead, asshole, asshopper, assjacker, asslicker, assmunch, asswhole, asswipe, aunt flo,

b000bs, b00bs, b17ch, b1tch, baby yoghurt , baby yogurt , ball sack , ballbag, ballsack, ballsack , bampot, bang, bastard, basterd, bastich, beaner, beastiality, beat off, beaver, beavers, beeyotch, betch, beyotch, bfe, bi sexual, bi sexuals, biatch, bigmuffpi, biotch, bisexual, bi-sexual, bisexuality, bisexuals, bi-sexuals, bitch, bitched, bitches, bitchin, bitching, bizatch, blackie, blackies, bloody hell, blow job, blow wad, blowjob, blumpkin , boff, boffing, boffs, bollick, bollock, bondage, boner, boners, bong, boob, boobies, boobs, booger sugar , booty, boy2boy, boy4boy, boyforboy, boyonboy, boys2boys, boys4boys, boysforboys, boysonboys, boytoboy, brothel, brothels, brotherfucker, buceta, bugger, bugger , buggered, buggery, bukake, bullshit, bumblefuck, bumfuck, bung, bunghole, bush, bushpig, but plug, butplug, butsecks, butsekks, butseks, butsex, butt, buttfuck, buttfucka, buttfucker, butthole, buttmuch, buttmunch, butt-pirate, buttplug, buttsecks, buttsekks, buttseks, buttsex, buttweed,

c0ck, c0cksucker, cabron, camel toe, camel toes, cameltoe, canabis, cannabis, carpet muncher, castrate, castrates, castration, cawk, chank, cheesedick, chick2chick, chick4chick, chickforchick, chickonchick, chicks2chicks, chicks4chicks, chicksforchicks, chicksonchicks, chickstochicks, chicktochick, chinc, chink, chinks, choad, choads, chode, circlejerk, circlejerks, cl1t, cleavelandsteemer, cleveland steamer , clevelandsteamer, clevelandsteemer, clit, clitoris, clitoris , clits, clusterfuck, coca , cocaine , cock, cock block, cock suck, cock , cockblock, cockface, cockfucker, cockfucklutated, cockhead, cockmaster, cockmunch, cockmuncher, cockpenis, cockring, cocks, cocksuck, cocksucker, cocksuka, cocksukka, cok, coke , cokmuncher, coksucka, comestain, condom, condoms, coochie, coon, coons, cooter, copulated, copulates, copulating, copulation, corn, corn_hole, cornhole, cornholes, cr4p, crack , crap, crapping, craps, cream, creampie, crotch, crotches, cum, cumming, cums, cumshot, cumstain, cumtart, cunnilingus, cunt, cuntbag, cunthole, cuntilingis, cuntilingus, cunts, cuntulingis, cuntulingus,

d1ck, dabitch, dago, dago , dammit, damn, damned, darkie, darkies, darky, deepthroat, defecate, defecates, defecating, defecation, deggo, dego , diaf, diarea, diarhea, diarrhea, dick, dick , dickhead, dickhole, dickring, dicks, dicksucker, dicksuckers, dicksucking, dicksucks, dickwad, dickweed, dickwod, dik, dike, dikes, dildo, dildoe, dildoes, dildos, dilligaf, dingleberry, dipshit, dirty sanchez , dlck, doggin, doggystyle, dogshit, dominatrix, donkey, donkey punch , donkeyribber, dook, doosh, douche, douchebag, douchebags, douchejob, douchejobs, douches, douchewaffle, drugs , duche, dumass, dumb fuck, dumbass, dumbfuc, dumbfuck, dumbshit, dumdfuk, dumfuck, dumshit, dyke, dykes,

ead, eat me, ejaculat, ejaculate, ejaculated, ejaculates, ejaculation, ejakulat, ejakulate, enema, enemas, enima, enimas, epeen, e-peen, epenis, e-penis, erect, erection, erekshun, erotic, eroticism,

f*k, f0x0r, f0xx0r, fack, facker, facking, fag, fagbag, faggit, faggitt, faggot, faggots, faghag, fags, fagtard, fannyflaps, fannyfucker, fart, farting, farts, fatass, fck, fcker, fckers, fcking, fcks, fcuk, fcuker, fcuking, feck, fecker, felch, felched, felcher, felches, felching, fellate, fellatio, feltch, feltched, feltcher, feltches, feltching, fetish, fetishes, finger, fingering, fisting, flog, flogging, flogs, fook, fooker, fool, foreskin, forked, fornicate, fornicates, fornicating, fornication, frigging, frottage, fubar, fuck, fucka, fuckas, fuckass, fucked, fuckedup, fucker, fuckers, fuckface, fuckfaces, fuckhead, fuckhole, fuckhouse, fuckin, fucking, fuckingshitmotherfucker, fucknugget, fucks, fucktard, fuckwad, fuckwhit, fuckwit, fuckyou, fucndork, fudgepacker, fudgepacking, fugly, fuk, fuken, fuker, fukker, fukkin, fukwhit, fukwit, fuq, fuqed, fuqing, fuqs, fux, fux0r, fuxx0r,

gang bang, gangbang, gangbanger, gangbangers, gangbanging, gangbangs, ganja, gay, gaydar, gays, gaytard, gaywad, genital, genitalia, genitals, gerbiling, ghey, gino , ginzo , girl2girl, girl4girl, girlforgirl, girlongirl, girls2girls, girls4girls, girlsforgirls, girlsongirls, girlstogirls, girltogirl, gloryhole, goatse, goatse.cx, gobshit, gobshite, gobtheknob, goddam, goddammit, goddamn, goddamned, goddamnit, gooch, gooch , gook, gooks, goomba , greaseball , greaser , groe, gspot, g-spot, gtfo, guanoball, gubb, guido , guinea, gummer, guppy, guy2guy, guy4guy, guyforguy, guyonguy, guys2guys, guys4guys, guysforguys, guysonguys, guystoguys, guytoguy, gyfs,

hair pie, hairpie, hairpies, hairy bush, handjob, harbl, hard on, hardon, hardons, head , hell, hentai, heroin, herpes, herps, hick, hitler, hiv, ho, hoare, hoe, hoebag, hoer, hoes, hole, homo, homos, homosexual, homosexuality, homosexuals, honkee, honkey, honkie, honkies, honky, hoochie, hooker, hookers, hore, horney, hornie, horny, horseshit, hosebeast, hot carl , hot karl , hotcarl, hotkarl, hummer, hump, humping, humps, hymen,

i like ass, i love ass, i love tit, i love tits, iluvsnatch, incest, ip freely, itard,

jack off, jackass, jackingoff, jackoff, jap, japs, jerk off, jerkoff, jesusfreak, jew, jewbag, jewboy, jiga, jigaboo, jigga, jiggaboo, jis, jism, jiz, jizm, jizz, junglebunny, jysm,

kawk, khunt, kike, kikes, kinky, kkk, klit, knob, knobjocky, knobjokey, knockers, kooch, koolie, koolielicker, koolies, kootch, kukluxklan, kunt, kyke,

l3itch, labia, lapdance, lelo, lemonparty, lesbian, lesbians, lesbifriends, lesbi-friends, lesbo, lesbos, leyed, lez, lezzie, lichercunt, lick ass, lick myass, lick tit, lickbeaver, lickcarpet, lickdick, lickherass, lickherpie, lickmy ass, lickpussy, like ass, like tit, limpdick, lingerie, llello, llello , llelo, lleyed, loltard, love ass, love juice, love tit, lovehole, lsd, lucifer, lumpkin,

m0f0, m0fo, m45terbate, ma5terb8, ma5terbate, mack, mammaries, man2man, man4man, mandingo, manforman, mangina, manonman, mantoman, marijuana, masochism, masochist, masterb8, masterbat3, masterbate, masterbates, masterbating, masterbation, masterbations, masturbate, masturbates, masturbating, masturbation, meatcurtain, men2men, men4men, menformen, menonmen, mentomen, milf, minge, mistress, mof0, mofo, morons, motha, motherfuck, motherfucka, motherfuckas, motherfucked, motherfucker, motherfuckers, motherfucking, motherfuckka, muff, muff diver, muffdiver, muffdiving, munch, mung, mutha, muther, muzza, my ass,

n.a.m.b.l.a., n1gga, n1gger, naked, nambla, nards, nazi, nazies, nazis, necrophile, necrophiles, necrophilia, necrophiliac, negro, neonazi, neo-nazi, nice ass, nig, nigg3r, nigg4h, nigga, nigga , niggah, niggas, niggaz, nigger, nigger , niggers, nigglet, niglet, nippies, nipple, nips, nobhead, nobjockey, nobjocky, nobjokey, nookey, nookie, nose candy , noshit, nude, nudes, nudity, numbnuts, nut bag, nut lick, nut lover, nut sack, nut suck, nutnyamouth, nutnyomouth, nuts, nuts , nutsack, nutsack , nutstains, nympho, nymphomania, nymphomaniac, nymphomaniacs, nymphos,

oral, orgasm, orgasmic, orgasms, orgi, orgiastic, orgies, orgy,

paedophile, panooch, panties, panty, patootie, pecker, peckerhead, peckers, pedophile, pedophiles, pedophilia, peepshow, peepshows, pen15, penii, penis, penises, penisfucker, perve, perversion, pervert, perverted, perverts, phat, phile, philes, philia, phuck, phucker, phuckers, phucking, phucks, phuk, phuker, phukers, phuking, phuks, phuq, phuqer, phuqers, phuqing, phuqs, pie, pigfucker, pimpis, pink sock, piss, pissant, pissed, pisser, pisses, pissfart, pissflaps, pissing, pocket, poon, poon eater, poon tang, poonani, poonanny, poonany, poonj, poonjab, poonjabie, poonjaby, poontang, poop, poopchute, poot, porchmonkey, porking, porks, porn, porno, prick, pricks, prostitot, pube, pubes, pubes , pubic, pud, pudd, puds, punani, punanni, punanny, punta, puntang, pusse, pussi, pussies, pussy, puta, puto,

qeef, qfmft, qq more, quafe, quap, quatch, queef, queefe, queefed, queefing, queer, queerbait, queermo, queers, queev, quefe, queif, quief, quif, quiff, quim, quim nuts, qweef,

racial, racism, racist, racists, rape, raped, raper, raping, rapist, redtide, reefer, renob, retard, ricockulous, rim job, rimjaw, rimjob, rimjobs, rimming, roofie, rtard, rtfm, rubbers, rump, rumpranger, rumprider, rumps, rusty trombone , rustytrombone,

sac, sack , sadism, sadist, sadomasochism, sand nigger, sandnigga, sandniggas, sandnigger, sandniggers, sapphic, sappho, sapphos, satan, scatological, scheiss, scheisse, schlong, schlonging, schlongs, schtup, schtupp, schtupping, schtups, screw, screw me, screw this, screw you, screwed, screwer, screwing, screws, screwyou, scroat, scrog, scrote, scrotum, secks, sekks, seks, semen, sex, sex , sexed, sexking, sexkitten, sexmachine, sexqueen, sexual, sexuality, sexy, sexybitch, sexybitches, sht, sh1t, shag, shagger, shaggin, shagging, shart, shemale, shit, shitdick, shite, shited, shitey, shitface, shitfaced, shitfuck, shithead, shitlist, shits, shitt, shitted, shitter, shittiest, shitting, shitts, shitty, shiznits, shotacon, shotakon, shyte, sickass, sixtynine, sixty-nine, sixtynining, skank, skeet, sketell, skrew, skrewing, skrews, slant eye, slanteyes, slattern, slave, slaves, slopehead, slopeheads, slut, slutbag, slutpuppy, sluts, slutty, slutwhore, smegma, smut, snatch, snatches, snort, snowball , snowballing , soddom, sodom, sodomist, sodomists, sodomize, sodomized, sodomizing, sodomy, sonnofabitch, sonnovabitch, sonnuvabitch, sonofabitch, spank, spanked, spanking, spanks, spearchucker, spearchuckers, sperm, spermicidal, spermjuice, sphincter, spic, spic , spick, spicks, spics, spik, spiks, spooge, stank ho, stankpuss, steamer, stfu, stiffie, stiffy, stud, studs, submissives, suck, suck ass, sucks ass, swinger, swingers,

t1tt1e5, t1tties, taint , take a dump, takeadump, tar baby, tarbaby, tard, tea bag , teabag , teabaggin, teabagging, tease, teen2teen, teen4teen, teenforteen, teenonteen, teens2teens, teens4teens, teensforteens, teensonteens, teenstoteens, teentoteen, teets, teez, testes, testes , testical, testicals, testicle, testicle , testicles, testicles , threesome, thundercunt, tiddie, tiddy, tit, titandass, titbabe, titball, titfuck, tits, titsandass, titt, tittie, tittie5, tittiefucker, titties, titts, titty, tittyfuck, tittywank, titwank, toke, toss salad, tramp, tramps, tranny, transexual, transexuals, transvestite, transvestites, tubgirl, tubgirl.com, turd, tw4t, twat, twathead, twatlips, twats, twatty, twunt, twunter,

ufia, umfriend, underwear, up yours, upyours, upyourz, urinate, urinated, urinates, urinating, urination, urine,

vag, vagina, vagina , vaginal, vaginas, vaginer, vagitarian, vagoo, vagy, vajayjay, va-j-j, viagra, vibrator, virgin, virginity, virgins, voyeur, voyeurism, voyeurs, vulva,

w00se, wackedoff, wackoff, wad blower, wad lover, wad sucker, wadblower, wadlover, wadsucker, wang, wank, wanker, wanky, weed , wetback, wetbacks, wetdream, wetdreams, whackedoff, whackoff, whigger, whip, whipped, whipping, whips, white girl, whiz, whoe, whore, whored, whorehouse, whores, whoring, wigger, willies, wog, wogged, woggy, wogs, woman2woman, woman4woman, womanforwoman, womanonwoman, womantowoman, women2women, women4women, womenforwomen, womenonwomen, womentowomen, wop, wops ,

xx, xxx,

yank, yayo, yeat, yeet, yeyo, yeyo , yiff, yiffy, yola, yols, yoni, youaregay, you're gay, yourgay,

zipperhead, zipperheads, zorch, zukiner

(No, the following is not a mistake, there are several items in this list which were repeated at the bottom.)

women2women, women4women, womenforwomen, womenonwomen, womentowomen, wop, xx, xxx, yank, yayo, yeat, yeet, yeyo, yiff, yiffy, yola, yols, yoni, youaregay, you're gay, yourgay, zipperhead, zipperheads, zorch, alabama hot pocket , baby yoghurt , baby yogurt , ball sack , ballsack , blumpkin , booger sugar , cleveland steamer , coca , cocaine , cock , coke , crack , dago , dego , dick , dirty sanchez , donkey punch , drugs , gino , ginzo , gooch , goomba , greaseball , greaser , guanoball, guido , guinea, head , hot carl , hot karl , jew, llello , llelo, nigga , nigger , nose candy , nuts , nutsack , pink sock, pubes , rusty trombone , sac, sack , sex , snort, snowball , snowballing , spic , taint , tea bag , teabag , testes , testicle , testicles , vagina , weed , white girl, wops , yeyo , zukiner, fool, morons, tease

[macaronienthusiast]

Kathleen Hanna in an interview with The Cut:

TERFs aren't allowed to fucking TOUCH Kathleen Hanna or claim her as their female icon GET AWAY FROM HER

[laguera25]

Rammstein fandom showing its ass again, I see. Look, I'm not a fan of Duo Abelard, either; I find them a snoozefest. But to go to their IG account and other profiles to tell them how much you think they suck isn't fair criticism. It's being a petty, cruel assbag for the sake of it and changes nothing. Rammstein aren't going to rescind the invitation because a bunch of asshole fans got their gripe on and called them talentless hags.

It's obvious Rammstein has and affinity for, and is comfortable with, this duo. Maybe having them around makes them happy, and they have good chemistry and don't have to worry about egos and dickwaving. Whatever the reason, Duo Abelard is the opening act, and the fans can deal or reach for the copium.

Honestly, if I were Rammstein, the more the fans threw a tantrum about these ladies, the more I'd dig in my heels and support them.

[wyrmguardsecrets]

"--Used to require proof of ageplay/underage somewhere. Now "young adult" is good enough for a callout. What next, hmm?" The character that Pedo argent had, and was caught on was listed as "young". Not "young adult", "YOUNG" before one eye assbag told her to change it. The argents are still trying to gaslight and deflect about it. Pedo argent is still a real see you next tuesday and so are her friends who flock to protect her. Also, fuck fashionista. She's a right fucking piece of work too.

.

[impostorsshow]

I know nothing of the media this au comes from but I love it so much

ageless police of the stars doodles plus concepts for the throws/failed throws :DD

[friendlybatteringram]

BEHOLD. Two of the subplot villains in my Mario & Peach game, the Montgomery Bros! That's Murdoc Montgomery on the left and Manfred Montgomery on the right. These hypercapitalist assbags will feed a child to Cerberus if it means making a quick buck.

Here, the Montgomery Bros are the bosses of World 3, where they've used their digging prowess to irrigate away all the mountain water from a nearby small town in order to feed their own shitty projects instead. It's up to dynamic couple Mario and Peach to kick their gold-plated asses.

[noonmutter]

Best Boy

DWC Feb 2024 Day 4: Vengeance/Satisfaction

Pandaria was already meeting spring with wide open arms, and the cheerful, bright sunlight was almost offensive to Shedwyn's eyes. That wasn't really new, though; everything was almost offensive to Shedwyn's eyes right now. Her fucking husband had gone and got himself fucking titled--legitimately titled, through no effort of his own, the fuckhead--and he had no idea how it'd happened. She had even less idea, and his babbling explanation hadn't made it a whole lot clearer.

The fact that they were shouting at each other about it the whole time probably hadn't helped.

But still.

Fucker.

After they'd gone in circles for about half an hour, and she'd slugged him in the chest a little bit harder than she'd actually meant to, she'd decided it was time for a breather.

"I'm going to Leon's. I need sex in my mouth right now and I don't mean you."

"First of all, fuckin' ew--"

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT, ASSBAG OF KEEL."

She hadn't realized she'd been growling obscenities, mostly about her husband, out loud until the younger Ambroce whistled at her from his front door.

"Y'gonna keep me in suspense or kin we take this inside?"

"I want to be petulant and snarl some more and maybe blow something up, but I also want pizza, and I know if I do the first thing I won't get the second."

Leon nodded and stepped aside to let her into the house. "Yer becomin' downright self-policin' these days. I'm pretty sure tha's a good thin', but..."

"Shut up and feed me."

"Fine, but this better be good, y' grumpy li'l shit." He adored his sister-in-law, but that also meant he was a lot more willing to be crass with her than most. She was family, ergo she was tough enough to take a little bit of honest ribbing.

"Food then snark. Please. I want to not be the adult right now."

"Fair enough. Does tha' mean I don't get an explanation? Only if tha's th' case, I'm not gonna make yer fav'rite."

"But--"

"Them's th' rules."

Shedwyn sighed. She would kill a man for anchovies, and the man who did the absolute best thing with them was standing right in front of her, and she was a Lady, god dammit, and... She sighed again. She could be polite for a little while.

"All right."

"Attagirl."

"Don't push it, Ambroce."

Laughing, Leon closed the door behind them and fled to the kitchen to get to work. It was a good thing everyone else had left for their own chores for the day, or the complaints would've started within five minutes of the fishy dish going into the oven. For the most part, the house smelled of salt, generic "fish" smell, shrimp, ham, cheese, and tomatoes, but those first two really overpowered the rest. Anchovies were not popular at the restaurant in Stormwind, but the ones who liked them really liked them, as he'd found out, so he kept a small supply at home for emergencies. Emergencies like his little mana-bomb of a sister having a bad day, for example.

They didn't talk about much of anything while he was cooking. Leon was too focused to offer up much of anything without being prompted, and Shedwyn was in no mood to talk like an adult yet. She was in the mood to pout, and scream, and maybe punch Terry again. She'd had to go through so frickin' much to get her own title set down on paper and into the records that mattered; she'd memorized every stupid word of the stupid Doppelganger Decree of 28 and would probably not be able to forget about it for years. And Terry'd gone and fuckin' farted out a dynasty.

Shedwyn Lias-Ambroce was not strictly speaking a jealous woman, but she had limits. It just wasn't fair!

Somewhere amid the interminable brooding, a steaming pizza appeared on the table in front of her, and the clouds parted. Angels didn't sing, because angels sucked and didn't like anchovies, but that was fine. More for her. The first bite was always the best, but the second through sixth bites were pretty damned amazing, too.

Leon was kind enough to wait until she'd torn through two slices before he cleared his throat. When Shedwyn was not immediately forthcoming, he made his point by taking a slice of his own and sitting down. She growled to herself, then picked up a napkin and dabbed at her mouth.

"Your brother got lucky again."

"...Like yer 'avin' another kid, or...?"

This time, the sigh was loud, extremely melodramatic, and seemed almost to propel her backwards to drape over the back of her chair. "Like he didn't end up dead or promoted at the end of the Gilneas campaign, so he fell ass-backwards into a viscountcy instead!"

Leon blinked, then took a bite of his slice. Nope. Still don't like anchovies. "Alright..?"

"All right? Really? That's the first thing you say? Your brother's a goddamn titled, landed Gilnean nobleman out of nowhere! After all the shit I went through to get my shitty little Barony carved out of Duskwood! Not only does he just walk into some office in Stromgarde and walk out with a title, he walks out outranking me! Which I didn't know I would care about until it happened!"

Leon said nothing, simply letting her unload, as was his wont. His neverending patience pissed her off even more, as was her wont.

"I had, and still have, to work my absolute ass off for every single scrap I've ever gotten or ever will get, and then I have to work even more to keep it, and your bullfuckin' Ambroce luck has Terry just survive long enough! What the fuck, Leon?!"

When she stopped to ask him a question, even if it was a rhetorical one, Leon looked up from finishing off his slice. He calmly licked his fingers, then set his elbows on the table. Then, he set his chin on his hands. "Would it 'elp any if I said it wasn't all luck this time?"

"Well of course it wasn't all luck, it takes a shitload of skill to survive the absolute fuckalanche of shit he's been through, but--"

"No, I mean it was me."

That stopped the little mage mid-rant. "What was you?"

"Th' Gilnean Repatriation Initiative sent out letters somethin' like a month ago. I got one, you prolly got one tha' got tossed out, knowin' 'ow you an' Terry feel about anythin' bearin' th' royal seal of anywhere."

Shedwyn gaped.

Leon continued, "I'm just as much a Gilnean as 'e is, but I've my life 'ere, an' I very much like it. An' really, goin' 'ome does not bring 'appy mem'ries t' th' fore. Maybe I coulda got th' ranch back, but... gods, I don't want it. But I know Terry does. An' anybody 'o'd met th' man fer five minutes knew 'e'd go back t' Gilneas th' instant th' call went out. So I sent a reply with a couple suggestions."

Shedwyn's hair was starting to crackle like one of those globe toys that made lightning strike where your fingertips touched them.

Leon, undeterred, picked up the pizza plate and walked it back into the kitchen.

"My brother is a turd, a recoverin' racist, an' more than a bit of a jackass. But 'e's also an extremely patriotic, loyal man when 'e wants t' be. Tha's admirable as 'ell! Downright noble, even. Apparently they agreed, eh?"

The chair clattered to the floor as Shedwyn stood up, both hands up in front of her, grasping at the air in a strangling motions.

"You- you-"

"Feel free t' tell 'im Leroy says congratulations." He turned and stared her straight in the eye, even as they crackled with arcane lightning. "Elroy does, too."

Later on, Shedwyn would say the only reason Leon survived that meeting was because she didn't want to destroy the house, his spouses didn't deserve that.

Mostly it was because everytime she'd try to gather up the energy to cast something, he'd headbutt her, and she was too stubborn to dodge.

( @daily-writing-challenge @shedwyn )