#Anyways yay I'm understanding why I was as bad as I was sometimes!!!

[spaceacerat]

Spent so many childhood years thinking about concepts of afterlife and religion, call that a baby philosophy problem

[moralesmilesanhour]

Hello!!! How are you? I’ve been a follower for the past few days and was wondering if I could request something.

I was hoping to request a fic or like give you a prompt for something for miles42 × femreader

So it goes like this- yk those super corny reads that are like the reader's pinning for miles and like sometimes miles finds them annoying but in a cute way but he don't know that her yk? So he's talking to his homeboys about her, talm about some how she's so "annoying, a nuisance" and guess who's behind the wall listening? The reader herself.

So this goes one of two ways- she either matches up there, confronts him. And she's like "flipping fine, if that's how you feel then lemme get out of ur way- you won't hear a peep from me" and she like just ignores him and he learns how he feels about her, sees how his life is so boring without her and all that- goes to apologize happy ending..

Option number 2: silent treatment. Like just slowly drifting away until he once again comes to the realization that he needs her and all that happy ending yay!

Feel free to do whatever you want with this but I'm thinking of sending the same request to other authors to see what they come up with cause everyone has a style k? And i just love studying them and reading them cause evervtime- no matter how similar the prompt is- they always manage to invoke different feelings with in me.

Anyway- have fun doing this- but remember you don't have to cause this is kinda too much and I'm sorry😓

"I want my pen back."

wc: >1,200 A/N: okay so i got a bit carried away...this is a long one. (yes I am using this as an excuse to try out the gradient thing) thank you anon for this fun request! i also rlly like ur reasoning behind it and i hope i was able to do this prompt some type of justice lol

The gel pen clattered to the ground.

“I got it,” you said, grinning at Miles. You squat to grab it before the boy can act to get it himself, and he sighs as you hand it to him.

“Thanks.”

Miles turned the pen every which way between his fingers.

You had gifted it to him on the first day of school, with that same expectant grin. The little cartoon dogs that surrounded the perimeter had begun to fade with use because – admittedly – it had actually turned out to be a good ass pen.

He’d thought initially that you were just being nice; maybe you were handing shit out to everyone because it was the first day, understandable. 

But then, it was highlighters (the erasable ones).

Pink sticky-notes on his locker, telling him to have a nice day with the ‘i’s dotted with hearts.

A new sketchbook for Secret Santa.

Miles’ pencil case had rapidly gotten bulkier, and when you rushed to grab a seat next to him during the one class without assigned seats, it finally clicked.

You were trying to get his attention. And he wasn’t sure what would happen if you got it.

“I like the new braids.”

He was snapped out of his thoughts, and turned to you.

“Huh?”

“The braids,” you laughed. “I like the pattern. Who did ‘em for you?”

A tiny smirk ghosted the boy’s lips.

“My mom. Just like the last time you asked me.”

He ran a hand instinctively over the meandering zig-zag pattern that his cornrows had been sectioned into. Miles looked at you from his periphery; you were still staring. 

“Bitch, just ask him out already!”

Your friend smacked the back of your shoulder as the two of you took your sweet time getting back to your lockers.

“Alright, today, I swear,” you said, hand over your heart for emphasis.

A beat of silence passes. “But what if he says no?” 

She groaned.

“Then he says no, and you can save your money. But say something, it’s getting embarrassing.”

Your friends’ encouragement landed you here, around the corner of a building where Miles and a gaggle of other boys from your homeroom were bursting into raucous laughter.

“Yo, why you ain’t bag her yet? She wants you bad,” one boy said.

Unsure if the ‘she’ in question was you, you stay where you are and keep listening.

“I dunno, she kinda annoying,”

Miles’ low voice makes your ears perk up.

“One day she gon’ run outta things to say about my hair, she has to!”

…Oh.

The buoyant feeling in your chest sinks as the group erupts into another laughing fit. If you asked him out now, you’d hear about it for the rest of the year.

Shoving your phone into your pocket, you turn back the way you came. 

Miles knew something was off when you sat down the next morning without a word. 

“You good?” he asked.

You glanced at him, then nodded before going back to playing with the beads in your hair. The excruciating silence stretched on for almost the entirety of class before it was broken again.

“Do you…wanna help me with my homework? I’ll really let you, this time.”

You raised an eyebrow.

“Morales, you got an ‘A’ in every class.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Your name’s on every bulletin board.”

“Damn,” the boy muttered to himself as his leg bounced under the desk.

Your beads clattered against your back as you rose from your seat. The bell had rung, finally. You didn’t even say ‘bye’.

Miles cracked open his locker. One of your sticky notes from last week had begun to un-stick and fluttered to the ground. There were no new ones. He bent to pick it up, noticing how neat and round your handwriting was on these compared to the way you wrote in class. The letters didn’t run together, like you were in a rush.

Neatly folding the note and sticking it in his pocket, Miles shut his locker to reveal your face. The boy nearly yelped in surprise.

“Where the hell did you come from? Scared the shit outta me,” he said with a grin.

“I want my pen back.”

Miles froze. 

“Which pen?”

You tilted your chin up towards the one he was currently gripping in his left hand. He looked down at it like a wad of cash.

“Oh.”

He couldn’t just not give the pen back to you…

…but he didn’t want to give it to you, either.

“What you need it for? Don’t you have, like, a whole store full of these?”

“Miles, I gotta get to class. I’m not playing,” you reached for Miles’ hand, but he raised it high above his head.

Instead of a smirk or mocking sneer, something like worry was etched onto the boy’s features. 

“Tell me what’s up witchu first.”

“What are you talking about? I’m about to be late, c’mon.”

“You ain’t said a word to me all day,” he dropped his hand momentarily. “Are you sick? Did I do something? What–hey!”

You had snatched the pen out of the boy’s hand when he wasn’t looking, throwing it into your bag.

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

You turn to retreat down the hallway, but stop with a huff when Miles calls after you.

“Wait!”

“I’m waiting.”

“Come see me after school?”

You kicked an empty can down the sidewalk in front of Miles’ apartment.

“Make this quick, I gotta go study.”

He looks everywhere else to avoid meeting your eyes, looking for the right words.

“You didn’t answer me earlier,” Miles awkwardly shuffled his feet. “Are you mad at me?”

“...Yeah, kinda.”

“For what?”

You stop to think for a moment, crossing your arms. 

“For…for letting me hand you that pen, knowing you weren’t gonna give it back,” you began.

Miles’ brows furrowed in confusion. “That’s it?”

You shook your head profusely, “N-no, I’m not done. You let me buy you all that stuff, put all that dumb shit in your locker, whole time you don’t even like me–”

“You don’t know that,” Miles interrupted. Your head snapped up to look at him, and you paused.

“I don’t?”

Neither of you say anything for a moment, then Miles remembers the note in his pocket. He takes it out and shows it to you.

“These? Are cute as fuck,”

He searches for more words, ten continues, "A-and I use that sketchbook every day. That pen? It’s like, my favorite,” he laughs. “I got half a mind to steal it back from you.”

Miles watches you expectantly. Your arms are still crossed, but the corners of your lips quirk up in amusement.

“So you like getting free stuff.”

“No-! I…”

The boy’s arms had begun to flail around in frustration. You hold back a giggle, never having seen him squirm like this before. It’s a nice change of pace.

“Alright, listen. I like hearing you talk to me every morning, and…”

He trailed off. He had begun slightly bouncing on his toes.

“...I like you.”

At some point while watching Miles struggle to explain himself, the float-y feeling in your chest had come back. You tilted your head to the side, and smiled.

“Okay. What are you gonna do about it?”

The boy’s eyes lit up.

“Where do you wanna go?”

[bonefall]

You can ignore this but I was just curious. What are your thoughts on redemption? I know modern day it means "character gets absolved of all wrongdoing and sin, and everyone forgives them yay!" But I'm talking more like, redemption as "Character acknowledges their actions and worldview was shitty, has apologized to all harmed parties, some forgive and some don't, but regardless character works on their issues and strives to become better"

I know characters are writing tools, so the message here would, in short, be "No matter what you can still work to be a better person". So I suppose I'm asking to what extent you agree. Sorry if this ask is everywhere I'm very sick at the moment.

I speak harshly of redemption arcs because I am actually an aficionado. I love them. I can't get enough of them, honestly. They're like eggs to me, I like 'em in all sorts of ways, devilled, omeletted, scrambled, but rotten ones are so bad you've gotta get rid of them immediately.

What often ends up setting me off about how redemption arcs are approached (and discussed) is the pervasive fact that people are more interested in sorrowful abusers than messy victims. They'll turn out to gush about how wonderful it is that Clear Sky cries about how sad murdering women made him, while not even recognizing Star Flower is self-destructing or Thunder is deflecting and misplacing.

It's like... even in fandom you will never get away from it. Your abuser is compelling and complex (meaning "was mean and sad at the same time"), and you're whiny and annoying ("ugh why is this traumatized person doing irrational things?! Don't they ever learn?!")

So when I write and when I talk, victims are always forefront in my mind. I'm really tired of stories that center Good Intentions or "but they loved you"

But anyway, digressing,

I agree. It really is never too late to work to be a better person. It's not even about apologizing, or making up for it, because sometimes you can't. "Sorry" will never undo what happened, and "sorry" doesn't even promise that real change is behind it.

So to me, a good redemption is just about exploring change.

Not suffering, I don't entirely like the idea that pain fixes pain, because it really doesn't. Reflection does. Genuinely understanding what was wrong and why you did it does. In spite of how cathartic it is to see someone get karma, I do hope that 99% of all people could be rehabilitated.

It's why I'm not fond of the phrasing where people want to deny redemption arcs because "they don't deserve it.' The WORLD deserves it. The people they will HELP deserve it. The person they will be deserves it. The question really is-- WOULD they change?

And the answer for powerful people is usually no. Power feels good. Gets you what you immediately want, makes it easy to surround yourself with yesmen who reinforce your excuses.

I think most people want to see others get better, but it's cathartic to me when some characters don't. Redemption arcs are wonderful things, but shouldn't be seen as the IDEAL ending for every villain, y'know?

[destinygoldenstar]

🌟Ellie Continues To Be A Stupid Schemer🌟 - Total Drama Viewer Reacts to Disventure Camp Season 3 Episode 3 “H2Oh-No!”

"This guy did everything wrong."

No shit he's an asshole. That's what I think is the point.

Idk, the garbage route would be if they portrayed him as 100% in the right and some pure soul who did nothing bad whatsoever.

But I feel like he's gonna get called out and learn a lesson at some point.

And if he stays an asshole till he gets eliminated and that's how his story ends? Well idk what to tell ya. I called it.

I totally get the "he's annoying" take though. I get why.

He just doesn't annoy me. Instead he intrigues me.

Like yeah he's a very VERY flawed character, but it's because of his flaws that I find him so interesting of a character to grasp onto.

Plus I also get why he's acting like this.

So yeah, I'm here for the 'Jake Being An Asshole' arc.

Enjoy it while it lasts, ya know? Cause he's gonna be gone a couple episodes later.

Again though, I get not liking him. Just saying I do.

Anyway, let's start this episode!

Yeah, they're ALWAYS painting Jake as 100% in the wrong in these recaps.

I mean, if you had to choose between painting him in a positive light or a negative light, I'm kinda glad it's negative. Just because assholes that parade around being an asshole and then get treated as the best person in the world is ANNOYING AS ALL SHIT.

I'm glad they're not doing that.

*Grammarly Ad*

Fuck Grammarly though. What a brainwashing tool for writers.

AND EVERY EPISODE IS GONNA START WITH OLIVER GETTING KILLED! XD

Still don't get the Hunter and Allyson fighting though. That still does not make sense to me.

I always associated both of them being very chill people. So it's kinda forced.

Oh my god it's raining again!

This just becomes a thing all season.

THE CAMP IS FLOODED BY THE END XD

"I wonder how the others are doing."

The others:

(You will not believe how much porn I scrolled through to get that GIF)

Oh yay! Bullying Yul!

Riya, you have my permission to bully Yul.

"Let go of me you Hazbin!"

🙄

Just pull his hair out, Riya.

I wouldn't want to catch a cold in the rain with nowhere to hide either.

"I agree with the brat. I'm not your daughter!"

Girl, he's just trying to look after you.

I get you're cold and wet and frustrated. Calm down.

"You should apologize to him."

"Why should I?"

"Because he's the only one here willing to put up with your crap."

Oof.

Riya, you know she's right.

I mean she does care about Connor, but she also doesn't like being told what to do.

"How dare you tell me not to bully Yul! It's what Golden wants, Connor! You have to understand!"

"It's like handling a bunch of kindergarteners."

One.

One kindergardener.

"I can understand Yul behaving like this, but Riya? I thought she'd know better."

"What happened to you?!"

"Connor, I'm so close to winning, and I'm not stopping now!"

"Do you really want to win like that?"

"I mean, it got results, didn't it?"

"It's easy for you to say! You have money! You've never had to feel lost or without a future!"

Uh... I hate to tell you this, Connor...

But no. No she doesn't.

"Maybe that's just who she is."

Hurts. But true.

Fame gets to your head, and in some cases like Riya's, being yourself and staying humble worsens your success.

And when you base your identity based off of this character, it becomes harder to differentiate it from yourself. And then eventually that character just IS YOU.

"I know Riya. She's sweet and kind, and I'd trust her with my life. But this persona that comes out every time we're on camera... it's not who she is."

Connor, you're gonna be devastated.

Unless she snaps out of it and redeems herself. That's possible too.

"She's under a lot of stress, and I know it's because of her on screen reputation and all that... I try to be understanding but... sometimes, she makes it really hard."

"I can fix her." You can't. That's the thing.

...

"I CAN FIX HER!"

"You can't make people change, Connor. Unless she wants to, she will always be this way."

Good advice from Alec, hello?

"For my next showing, I shall introduce the concept of change! Here is how I change from a bunny to a snake and how that is a change that is necessary to get on the top of the food chain of the world!"

NO RIYA YOU NEED PREY! THE CHAIN WILL JUST COLLAPSE ON ITSELF!

"But awhile ago, someone I was very close to tried to change who I was."

Oh?

"I wasn't able to figure it out for myself until it was too late. No matter what she told me, I was... still the same man she couldn't stand."

Aw.

I'm glad that's getting expanded on.

Cause yeah, you never want to date anyone who just wants to change you. If you love them and want to be in a relationship with them, you gotta love them for who they are.

"Ever since I lost on my season, I rewatched it over and over to see where I went wrong."

"Trusting that darn Demon Child! What the hell was I thinking? I should not be a father!"

"I think my biggest failure was sticking with Fiore."

👏

DUDE REALIZING HIS MISTAKES? LET'S GO!!

"This time, I'll make sure to put myself out there and find new allies."

Okay, go off king!

Wow, I don't think I ever said this to Alec.

Is this season gonna make me like Alec more?

"It was a bad idea to target Fiore."

You didn't know Ashley was gonna do that. It could have been worse.

You could've voted out each other.

"Have you noticed Jake and Ashley talking all day? I'm worried they could be a threat."

Jake? A threat?

Don't make me laugh.

Ashley though, probably.

She's the one charging this.

"Maybe we need Fiore."

Ooh, okay.

"No way! We'll just keep losing challenges!"

Well then you get Ashley or Jake out the next time you lose, and then the next time you boot Fiore.

"We can't get distracted like last time! Part of the audience is gonna hate us again!"

Huh?

Who...?

What does that have to do with ANYTHING?

Don't look at me as a part of that 'audience hater' group. WASN'T ME!

The audience isn't dictating anything. What?

"Is that all you care about now? What the audience thinks?"

It factors NOTHING.

"You know that's not what I mean! I can't go through several months of scrolling through non-stop hate comments like that again!"

WELCOME TO THE INTERNET.

Aren't you a streamer? EXPECT THAT SHIT.

I get hate comments too. But you have fans. You have people that like you. And you're successful.

Hate comments aren't going to destroy your career.

UNLESS you fight them and make a big deal about them.

Which is exactly what you are doing here.

I... Allyson. Honey.

EVER HEARD OF BLOCKING?

I mean look, it sucks. I don't deny that.

Getting hate comments suck. They hurt.

BUT when you're active online, you kinda get numb to it. At least from my experience. Ignore it. If you're being harassed, block it. It's that easy.

Allyson is a gamer. She has a Twitch career. She's been exposed to this already for years.

I THINK SHE SHOULD ABSOLUTELY KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS ALREADY.

I don't like the "Oh but this character is an adult they should know better." Criticism.

Because age is just 'how long have you been alive'. Depending on where you live, where you work, what you work on, and what you're exposed to socially, physically, or emotionally, that's what plays into your experiences and what you do and don't know.

So that's why I'm using her career as the baseline here. Not her age.

"This character has this lifestyle and has had this life experience and has learned this lesson and this is what they are exposed to. They should know better than this."

No one is saying Jinx is a teenager so therefore she should know better than to murder people.

"Whatever."

XD

Even Hunter agrees with me.

Allyson needs to touch grass.

"She cares so much about what others think! Does it not matter at all what I think?"

Apparently not.

It's super out of character to me. Because Season 2 Allyson was very chill and very considerate and open minded and she clearly did not care what others thought of her.

"Yeah I know you said sled, but I wanna make a snowboard!"

Stuff like that is cute. That tells me something about her character.

That tells me she doesn't care what other think of her.

Idk, maybe there's more context than they're saying right now. Things change in between seasons.

Maybe later they'll say her career is actually IN DANGER because the hate or something.

You're playing a board game on the clock?!

Oh its Monopoly.

That game ruins relationships.

"But isn't that... not very nice?"

Oh yeah I forgot Trevor is technically the nice one.

OH SHIT DID THE PINK TEAM DIE?!

"We didn't last the night, guys..."

Awww.

That's gotta hurt Aiden.

His love is out of the game already.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHOSE FAULT IT IS?

XD

NO SHOT JUST CUTS TO JAKE'S EYE ROLL XD

"Aw boo hoo, my love is gone! Awwwwww... HOW DOES IT FEEL?! IF I'M NOT HAPPY, NO ONE SHOULD BE!"

"Who could possibly hate him?"

Uhhhhh...

I WAS gonna raise my hand, but... I guess that's not true...

This was actually exactly what I wanted though, so...

Derek just looks dead inside.

"Eat me now sharks."

"It's just that... scuba diving didn't end to well for me last time."

AWWWW HONEY!!

HONEY I CAN'T HATE YOU!

Yeah that makes sense. She has PTSD from almost drowning and no one being there for her.

"Promise you won't leave me."

Aw❤️

Even as an Evil Queen, she's still vulnerable and feels things.

"You two can go together, I'll go with my darling Yul-"

HOW ABOUT YOU DON'T DO THAT?

"So how do I look? Could I be a runway model?"

XD

He's such a dork XD

I love you, but respectfully: NO.

"Wait, who am I going with?"

Yeah. Sure. Leave the child for shark food.

Watch Team Victory over here have Fiore as its longest standing member.

"Be careful! It's dark in there!"

*Goes in anyway*

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

😂

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!"

"That's it! I'm going after them!"

NO YOU'RE NOT!

"Please tell me you're all okay."

😂

I'm sorry, this is TOO FUNNY.

"Are you okay?"

"WE ARE BEING CHASED BY A SHARK!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK?!"

"Yeah but is it aggressive?"

"WHAT DO YOU THINK?!"

"Do you need help?"

"WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?!"

"...do you need me to pay your medical bill?"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP US!!!"

"Hey guys I think they're okay."

"Let's go!"

"I can't! It's too dark."

Poor Riya is stuggling.

Oh she's gonna have an attack.

You gotta get her out of here.

OH YEP I WOULD SCREAM TOO.

UM... THAT WAS A GOOD BLOCK EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT YOU'RE DROWNING NOW!

And they have to sit out now.

"Thank you for saving me... and standing by my side."

Awwww ❤️

She does care!

"I know... I've been mistreating you again. I'm sorry for that too."

HONEY.

She DOES feel remorse for her bad actions, she just doesn't like showing vulnerability.

"You're trying, and that's all I can ask. I'll always be there for you."

Awwwww. ❤️

Oh?

"I need to be honest. At the very least, you deserve that."

"I know you came back to the show for me, and I... really like you, Connor. But I came here to win. I don't want there to be anymore confusion."

"I've been trying to push you away because... I thought it'd hurt less when... Look, you have to stay away from me."

"I don't want to hurt you anymore! Don't you see?"

THIS.

THIS RIGHT HERE.

WE STAN RIYA IN THIS HOUSEHOLD.👑

Damn I love this character.

She doesn't want Connor here cause she knows she'll hurt him and lose him if she lets her villainess self take over so she's trying to save him while she still can 😥

She doesn't want to hurt him so it's better if he's not here.

That explains why she didn't look enthusiastic about them being on the same team in the first episode too.

"You're a good man Connor, but... in order to win this game, I can't keep trying to go down the honorable path. That's not how this industry works."

The philosophy she picked up on from Season 2.

CONSISTENCY! WE LOVE IT!

And that's exactly what I've been saying this entire time.

So there you go. It's canon that this is what's going on.

"I thought you wanted to be better. That's why you came back."

She never said that, dude. Hate to say it.

Like, I love Riya, but I don't defend her behavior. When I do, it's a joke. (<- SO I MAKE THIS CLEAR)

"We shouldn't be each others burdens anymore. We need to take some time apart."

Honestly, that's understandable.

"Is that what I am to you? A burden?"

"Yes... but I'm a burden to you too, so I guess this makes us even... I MEAN, AHEM, FOR MY NEXT SHOWING, I'M BURDENING EVERYONE! WHAT DO YOU WANT? RESPONSIBILITY? LUGGAGE? THE BURDEN OF THE SOUL?!"

NO RIYA!!!

"I'm sorry. I hope you respect me enough to keep playing the game together, but we can't be anything more than that."

I mean... if that's what she wants...

"Seeing Connor protect me from that eel brought out a side of me I don't want to see again!"

RIYA😥❤️

I love that though. I love that she approached him very honestly and told him exactly what is going on and what her priorities are.

I like that scene.

"I feel bad Ashley."

"For voting out James. What if there really is nothing going on with Tom and Aiden?"

Oh wow.

I mean, he said this last episode too.

Jake actually FEELING BAD about his poor actions.

I love it. I love you.

"Do you trust Alec?"

"No, not at all."

BOOM.

WHAT DID I SAY LAST TIME?!?!

THIS JUST CONFIRMED THAT I WAS RIGHT!

It's not that he believes Alec, it's that he has a terrible social life since his season and he's hurt by it, and no one is helping him figure it out.

I am NAILING my analysis on what's going on here!

I'm kinda proud of myself!

"I felt something really strange when I saw them together, but now the only thing I feel is guilt."

🎵"What is this feeling fervid as a flame? Does it have a name? YEEEESSSS!"🎵

I'm sorry. That's what got in my head.

"There's no changing the past, Jake. We just have to keep moving forward."

Good message.

That's gonna be his arc. Moving on.

WAIT THAT MEANS HE AND TOM ARE NEVER GONNA WORK! SHIT!! 😭💔

Oh well. That's the message. It do be like that sometimes.

Cause obviously I do not ship them at all.

"Guilt can consume if you let it. Trust me, I've been there before."

Oh?

Ashley characterization?

"It happened awhile ago..."

OH SHIT-

COME ON. NO. I WANNA HEAR THE BACKSTORY.

I mean, I criticized cutting away before we can get details we should know before.

AT LEAST IT'S NOT CUTTING AWAY THIS TIME! THERE'S AN ACTUAL PRACTICAL THING DISTRACTING IT!

CONGRATS ODDNATIONS! YOU LEARNED!

DAMN TOM JUST KNOCKED A SHARK IN ONE HIT!!

LOOK AT YOU DUDE!!

"Hey Ashley?"

"What?"

"I think I'm still in love..."

"Oh brother..."

😂

The cuts to Jake's PISSED FACE is KILLING ME.

"AYO, WHERE'S MY HUG?! HELLO?!?!"

"You see that? I know I'm not crazy!"

"Nah, you crazy."

I don't...

That is NOT reading to me as 'Aiden cheating on James with Tom.'

That's more so reading to me as 'Tom is open and friendly and confident around someone that isn't Jake, and Jake, because of the two years apart, can't process that well so it's ticking him off to see him getting along with someone else.'

But if it is the former, then it's bad. But it's hilariously bad.

I'm having fun, strangely enough.

🎵"What is this feeling fervid as a flame? Does it have a name? YEEEESSSS!"🎵

🎵"LOATHING! UNADULTURATED LOATHING!"🎵

I'm sorry I've been listening to this song on loop XD

Jealousy. The word for this context is jealousy.

But I think loathing works too cause I think he hates Aiden. Just a hunch though.

"Whatever it is, I'll help you get to the bottom of it!"

ASHLEY W?!

WHERE WAS THIS MATURE AND UNDERSTANDING RESPONSE, JAMES?!

"Of course! That's what friends are for!"

Oh! Okay!

I did not expect this.

Jake and Ashley friendship was NOT on my bingo card or in my predictions AT ALL.

But I'm here for it!

"In fact, I was just thinking... what would y'all think of a girls alliance?"

Ooh. Okay.

Ellie is being smart this time??

"My girlfriend is so smart!"

Most of the time, no.

BUT this is the smartest plan she has ever made.

Majority alliance off the bat and securing it? GOOD IDEA.

"What were you saying to Jake in the previous challenge?"

Oh Miriam's on it.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY TO MY GRANDSON?!"

"If I find out you're trying to manipulate him, you'll have to answer to me! You hear?!"

WOOF.

"DON'T EVER TALK TO ME OR MY GRANDSON EVER AGAIN!"

Oh god is Team Victory gonna lose AGAIN?!

"Fiore? What are you doing here alone?"

"NEGLECT."

"I didn't even do anything!"

FLASHBACK TO ALL OF SEASON 1.

"If Fiore's team wins, Jake is on that team. They would both be safe."

Oh that's a good point.

Yeah cause we haven't seen Allyson or Hunter in awhile! This team is way behind!

PINK TEAM SUCKS.

"Let's find a way for the Cyan Team to lose."

Oh okay.

Wait, it's CYAN?

Uh, okay, I haven't been paying attention to that.

"Hey my fish-for-brains teammates!"

XD

"I just want you all to know, YOU SUCK AND I HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE KIDS. I AM GOING TO FILE A NEGLECT CHARGE."

"How did that girl find all the clues so quickly?"

How are you guys so bad at finding said clues?

"You're so cute when you're frustrated!"

What did they do to you Grett?

Why are you so infatuated with this man?

It hurts my soul.

I'm deeply upset that they did this to her.

NO.

NO.

OH-

OKAY THAT SCARED ME.

Oh fuck you Yul!

Oh wow, Yul is abusive? Who would've thought? That's totally not in his character to be an abusive piece of shit.

Save Grett.

Get her away from this man.

"Sometimes, I feel like Yul acts a little distant towards me... maybe physical affection isn't his thing."

No. He's just a piece of shit.

Oh here we go.

"I think I lost my team, and I'm running out of oxygen!"

"Sounds like a you problem."

DAMN ELLIE.

SHE REALLY WANTS THIS LADY DEAD.

"She's lying. Wouldn't be the first time."

Then why are you falling for it?

If you're suspicious, don't do it.

And y'all are saying Jake is naive and falls for everything right away? LOOK AT THESE BOZOS!

"We've been bamboolzled!"

*gasp* Who would have thought?

"I thought we were friends, Miriam!"

"And I thought you would call!"

GOT HIM.

"Someone needs to slap this girl upside her head."

NO!

DON'T MAKE A QUEEN HIT A QUEEN!

What are you cooking?

That looks burnt!

"Girls, I'm worried about Lake. Her friendship with Aiden seems a lot stronger than I thought."

What?

Where the hell is that coming from?

"Do you think she's not committed to our alliance?"

Okay, then get Tom out.

Tom being here is a massive detriment to Ellie's game anyway.

"I'd prefer it to be Tom."

There you go. It's perfect.

"Actually, the three of us were thinking Aiden. Tom's more useful to us for physical challenges."

You girls underestimate your own power.

You're not wrong, but don't doubt yourself like that.

"I thought you said we could handle ourselves. We don't need Tom's strength."

Lake just saying exactly what I said.

"Are you saying you won't vote for Aiden?"

No. She said she thinks Tom is the better option.

"I'm saying we should make it an easy vote and get Tom out."

AGAIN, LAKE'S JUST SAYING WHAT I'M SAYING.

"Well, I'm voting for Aiden."

ELLIE, DO YOU WANT YOUR ALLIANCE OR NOT?!

YOU HAVE TO LOCK IT IN AND EARN THEIR TRUST!

"If we don't vote together, this alliance won't work!"

THANK YOU.

"Voting Tom out means Lake would have both Aiden and Tess by her side. No way in hell I'm letting that happen."

AAAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDD we're back to Ellie being stupid!

Lake, Aiden, and Tess are currently NOT gunning for you at all!

Tom on the other hand, IS!

If you keep him, HE'S GONNA GET AN OPENING TO GET YOU OUT.

You NEED to lock in your alliance! And come merge and all five of you are still here? Aiden will also join you!

DON'T DO THIS.

For fuck's sake, Ellie...

"Well, they're probably discussing which of us to vote for."

Even Tom gets what's happening.

"Ellie, I know what you're doing! You think I'm stupid?!"

"Lake, you have to vote with us!"

"Sorry, but I won't. I hope you can respect my decision, Ellie."

Ellie what are you doing?

Just vote Tom.

"Before everyone goes to vote, there's something I have to say."

Oh great. Here we go.

"And here comes the big lie everybody! Right on schedule!"

XD

YEAH. PRETTY MUCH.

"For your information, Ellie's been trying to save you all afternoon."

Yeah, for some stupid reason.

"Lake formed a girls alliance."

WHY WOULD YOU EXPOSE YOUR ALLIANCE?!

JUST WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

"And she's been trying to convince us to vote for you all afternoon."

And what was wrong with that?

You're ruining everything cause you're bringing all this up in front of them.

"It's time for you to realize who your enemies really are Tom, and it's not me."

No, all you convinced was that he has more than one enemy.

"Gabby and I will be voting for you."

AND NOW YOU'RE VOTING LAKE-

YOU NEED LAKE! SHE WAS WILLING TO HELP YOU!!

WHY DON'T YOU SECURE YOUR ALLIANCE?!

ELLIE OH MY GOD

Some things never change...

"How can you trust her after what she just did?!"

You know what makes this worse?

I JUST SAID that the only person that was gunning for Ellie was Tom.

If Ellie kept her alliance secured, she could've had everyone on the team on her side.

By doing THIS, SHE PAINTS A TARGET ON HER BACK THAT EVERYONE IS SHOOTING FOR.

THIS WILL COST YOU THE ENTIRE GAME IF YOU GET RID OF LAKE.

YOU ARE A FUCKING DUMBASS!

"Tess, are you with us?"

Oh...

She's not. It's written all over her face.

What is Tess gonna do here...?

'ELLIE'

Don't look surprised. You caused this.

'LAKE'

Shit.

'ELLIE'

'LAKE'

'TOM'

Whoa what?

XD

Tom's like "AYO WHAT THE FUCK?"

Was that Tess?

SHIIIIIIIITTT.

NOOOO I LOVE YOU LAKE.

I mean I expected her to go Pre-Merge, but I thought she would last longer than this!

Dammit!

"No Lake! First James, and now you?!"

Oh shit Aiden is gonna go through it.

He lost both of his confidantes back to back.

"I'm sorry Lake. I was caught in the middle and I... couldn't decide."

Hey I don't blame Tess. Ellie kinda proved she couldn't be trusted.

And on the bright side, you showed Ellie the consequences of her actions by proving "NO, IF YOU ACT LIKE THIS, I WILL NOT SIDE WITH YOU."

And she throws her vote on Tom.

That's a good message to send to her.

"I hope you don't mind I did that Tom. No hard feelings!"

"Yeah yeah! Of course! No hard feelings! It's all good! Where's my gun?"

"Don't worry Tess. I understand. I know you're not the kind to bend your morals for a cash prize."

Yeah.

GOOD FOR YOU, TESS!!! STANDING UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN!!👏👑

XD

The Ellie slander.

Awwww, bye Lake. I'm sorry.

"Contrary to what some say, I'm not stupid."

XD

"I seen the allegations that I am stupid! But I promise you I am not!"

"I know Ellie was only saving me to help her own game, but Lake? Lake was outright gunning for me."

Yeah, I mean, what else could Tom have done here?

And look on the bright side. No one is siding with Ellie anymore and knows she's a threat.

Except for Gabby. But what is she gonna do? It's two to three.

Especially since Tess made it clear she ain't on Ellie's side. She can flip and that'll be that.

Ellie ruined her entire game because of this ONE MOVE.

I have a good reason to dunk on Ellie's 'strategy' AGAIN!

Some things never change! Ellie is STILL stupid!

Dammit, am I gonna have to make ANOTHER list of things Ellie could've done instead here?

Let me know if you guys want that.

I think she just screwed over her entire game.

Girls Alliance. Okay. Good idea. Effective idea. Put yourself in a majority.

COMMIT TO IT.

DON'T FIGHT WITH YOUR ALLIES AT THE STARTING LINE!

You have to lock in the alliance. You NEED Lake around!

And what was wrong with booting Tom exactly? I get physicality, but you yourself said the girls combined can handle things just fine. And on top of that, Tom was gunning for you.

Aiden, Lake, Tess, they WEREN'T.

UNTIL YOU DID THIS.

AND NOW ALL THREE OF THEM JOIN TOM IN GUNNING FOR YOU.

YOU'RE BONED!

Even if Tom wasn't gunning for you, I would STILL SAY that it's better if you secure your girls alliance and understand your allies interests.

Lake is friends with Aiden. Tess believes in loyalty as the best policy. So do a move that is in both of their interests.

But now you got rid of Lake, and now no one trusts you because you have established to everyone on your team that you are a threat.

Though, I kinda knew they weren't gonna boot Tom. Tom is tied to established plotlines.

God, poor Lake man. I knew it. I knew she wouldn't make merge. But second boot? Geez.

But Ellie was like this in Season 1 too. So what changed, really? I expect this.

I think the only thing I'm really REALLY raising an eyebrow at in terms of consistency is Allyson's whole "The Internet hates me". Like... what the hell is this? I don't understand this yet.

Everything else besides Yul is actually fine so far.

Cooking with Jake. Cooking with Riya. I'm very happy with how these two are so far. Gabby is slaying already and being the one reasonable girl here. I think she's winning.

Somebody put Ellie back in Scheming 101!

[mirikitakato]

[Translation] Shylock Initial SSR Card Story: Sweet Honey Mixed with Wine

I'm surprised this card hasn't been translated. I guess it's interesting to look back at the characters when the story just started years ago, considering the coming anime!

Characters: Shylock, Murr, Chloe, Akira

P/s: My main objective for now is to translate Shylock's cards, but sometimes Murr's cards if I have them. I would love translating Owen's cards for sure, but his card stories' motif tend to be the same so I hardly find them interesting to translate.

Card Story: Sweet Honey Mixed with Wine

Episode 1

Akira: Hm? The two people coming over there are...

Murr: Ah, Sage!

Chloe: Good evening, Sage.

Akira: Good evening, Murr, Chloe. Where’re you going?

Chloe: Murr and I are going to play poker. We're heading to the lounge now.

Murr: What about ya, Sage? Join us for some fun!

Akira: Is it okay if I do? I don't want to be a bother.

Murr: Not at all! Don't worry about it!

Chloe: Yeah, come on, Sage! It's more fun with more people!

Akira: Haha. Well, since it's getting late, I'll just join you for a little while.

[In the lounge]

Murr: Yay, I won!

Chloe: Eh!? Murr again!? How many times has this happened?

Akira: Uhm... Pretty sure it has been...

Murr: 12 consecutive wins!

Chloe: T-t-twelve!? That many? Maybe we're just bad at poker...

Akira: Hmm...It's not that we're weak...

Chloe:...It's just that Murr is too strong... Even by chance, could he really keep winning like this? ...Maybe he's a cheater*...?

Murr: Cheetah? Who's a cheetah? What do you mean?

Akira: Well, I guess he acts like a cat…so calling him a cheetah is not wrong?

Chloe: Wait, what do you mean by that?

Shylock: I couldn't help but notice some lively conversation. Would you mind terribly sharing what brings such joy at this hour?

Chloe: Oh...Shylock! What perfect timing!

Shylock: Oh, what a warm welcome. What's the matter?

Chloe: Actually, we're playing poker, and I can't seem to win against Murr at all...

Shylock: —I see. So, you think Murr is cheating somehow.

Chloe: Uhm... It's just that he's so good...

Shylock: Murr's usual behavior is quite erratic, so it's understandable that you would think that... But for the sake of his honor, let's make this clear. He's not cheating. He's simply very good.

Murr: Hey, so who's this cheetah anyway?

Shylock:...Even though he's a bit quirky, he's a genius when it comes to games. Not just cards, but chess too. To beat him, you'll need natural talent, a sharp mind, and extraordinary effort. He's that formidable of an opponent.

Chloe: I see... He really is that strong... Sorry for doubting you, Murr.

Murr: Yay! I got a compliment!

Chloe: ...So that means I'll never beat Murr, will I...?

Akira: But even if you can't win, it was a lot of fun. Playing with you guys.

Chloe: Sage...!

Murr: Hey, Shylock, why don't you join us too!

Shylock: ...You still haven't learned to read the room, have you, Murr? I'll pass this time. It's getting late.

Murr: Aw! Why? ...Oh, I see! You're scared to lose to me!

Shylock: Hoh?

Chloe: Wait... Did Shylock's face just tick there for a second?

Akira: Uhm, the room temperature also suddenly dropped...

Shylock: ...You're quite the eloquent speaker, Murr. If you're asking for punishment, I'll be happy to oblige…

*Note: The Japanese word for cheating is ikasama, but Murr heard it as ika-sama, which means Sir Squid, lol. That’s why he keeps asking who is ika-sama. Akira also continues it by saying “if he is a squid, then he is not human, so it makes sense he is good.” (no Akira you are not making any sense). Everything confuses poor Chloe. I just change the joke to something easier to understand.

Episode 2

Akira: I'm so sorry for having you walk me to my room. Thank you.

Shylock: No problem at all. I was in the mood for conversation rather than talking to myself. Speaking of which, you're quite the night owl, aren't you, Sage? I'm sure you would have kept going if I hadn't called it a night.

Akira:….Uhm, yes. I got a little carried away.

Shylock: Murr and Chloe are wizards, they can handle a little sleep deprivation. You, on the other hand, are a delicate human being.

Akira: …Y-yes. I'll be careful. (...In the end, Shylock didn't take up Murr's offer.) (Was he just trying to get me to leave, or was it like Murr said…?)

Shylock: Sage, will you be able to sleep well tonight?

Akira: Oh, um. I'd like to say yes, but I'm still a bit wired from the poker game earlier. I might have trouble sleeping.

Shylock: Fufu. Very honest of you. As a reward, I'll give you some medicine to help you sleep well. ...But only if you allow me to make a little detour.

[Shylock's room]

Shylock: Please, don't be shy. Make yourself at home.

Akira: Sorry for the intrusion... (In the end, I followed him as I was told, but...) (What could the sleeping medicine be? Hopefully not something too bitter...)

Shylock: ...Fufu, you look uneasy. Are you perhaps feeling nervous?

Akira: Eh...?

Shylock: A helpless, lost fawn...That's how you appear to me. You are truly innocent. …I'm in trouble now. When you make such an adorable face, I want to teach you.

Akira: Eh…teach me what...?

Shylock: ...Dangerous, risqué, and licentious love...things most wouldn't dare teach. What do you say, Sage? Aren't you tempted to learn?

Episode 3

Akira: ..........Um, no, I...

Shylock: Fufu. Such a charming person. Please wait here for a moment. And don't try to run away.

Akira: (.........He finally let go of me. Even if he was just teasing me, it was bad for my heart...)

Shylock: I kept you waiting. Here you go.

Akira: It smells sweet and nice…. Is this...wine?

Shylock: It's mulled wine. It looks like red wine, but it has almost no alcohol. Since it tastes good, I think you'll find it easy to drink.

Akira: Thank you. Oh, are you drinking the same thing, Shylock? But isn’t this non-alcoholic?

Shylock: Yes. I usually wrap myself in a blanket of intoxication and fall asleep at night...But tonight, you will be my companion. So, I'll skip the alcohol. Now, cheers.

Akira: (...Wow, his mannerisms are so sexy…) (He looks like a painting just by drinking wine…)

Shylock: What's the matter? The aroma is good, but you can't taste it without using your tongue.

Akira: Y-yes! I'll have some. Delicious!

Shylock: I’m glad it seems to suit your taste.

Akira: It's really easy to drink. It's so mellow. (Is it because of the wine? My body is gradually getting warmer…)

Shylock: Are you getting sleepy? Fufu. Your eyes are a little hazy...

Akira: Thanks to you, it seems to be working well. (Shylock's voice is so gentle…The tense atmosphere between him and Murr earlier now seems like a lie) Um...Shylock, you are close with Murr, right?

Shylock: Of course, we’re friends.

Akira: (I see…I'm relieved...)

Shylock: However, I also hate him and find him lovingly detestable. After all, he's a bad boy.

Akira: I-is he…

Shylock: Yes, very much so.

Akira: ....

Shylock: Sage, your hand has stopped. I still have more refills, so please enjoy them to your heart's content.

Akira: ….T-thanks. (I guess I shouldn't ask too much about this topic.)

Card Episode: The Engraved One

Akira: The chosen wizard crest is on your left chest, right?

Shylock: Yes. Would you like to see it again? If you wish, Sage, I can open my collar right away.

Akira: No, no! That's fine. (I feel like he's sexually harassing me...) When you're chosen as a Sage’s wizard, the crest appears, right? Were you surprised at first, Shylock?

Shylock: Yes, I was. I had heard stories about the chosen wizards and their crests, but…When the crest appeared on my body, I was disgusted.

Akira: Disgusted... As expected, it was a role you didn't want to be chosen for…

Shylock: No. It's not the role, but the crest. Isn't it unpleasant to have a crest that you don't even like appear on your body without your permission?

Akira: Ah! So that’s why…

Shylock: I liked my body, so I wasn't happy for a while. But over time, I accepted it, and eventually, it became my favorite. Isn't it sexy to have a crest over your heart?

Akira: It’s sexy…

Shylock: Would you like to see it again then?

Akira: N-no! Thanks!

Shylock: Fufu, how cute.

---- Home-screen line ----

“Even the best performance of madness pales in comparison to the real thing, don’t you think?”

[ink-flavored]

for pride and justice: 3, 4, 16, 19

thank you!! yay i get to talk about Them <3

3. What were their first impressions of each other? How does that compare to their impressions of each other now?

Justice's first impression of Pride was "oh no a demon is trying to get through the gates, I have to stop him!" and Pride's first impression of Justice was "oh fuck i'm getting chased by an angel that's not good!" So. They had an interesting meet-cute.

They go from that to "annoyed but stuck together because they're on the run" to "begrudging respect that I will not admit is care" on Pride's end and "genuine desire to understand" on Justice's end, all the way to "gay love ride or die forever."

4. How would they describe each other if asked? Physically? In personality?

Pride, about Justice: "Tall. Obnoxiously tall. Long hair. And the rest of him is like... cherub-face. Not, like, baby face, but you know. Round. Soft. The smiley approachable type. Absolutely no edge, except when he's swinging the sword around. And he does it in the living room, which is probably the worst idea he's had since chasing me down to Earth. Although I guess I get a bit of a show, with the whole swordsman's body thing, so it's not totally annoying. And he's got freckles everywhere...

Anyway. Uh, he's nice! Kind of too nice, if you ask me. He doesn't know when to quit it with that shit, you let him do one nice thing and it's like he can't stop. I can't even count how many times we've had to stop in the middle of the street to let him fix some rando's problem. Even the other angels got sick of him, which... would be funnier if it wasn't my fault, I guess. Don't tell him I said that.

Justice tries way too hard. He can't stop trying too hard. It's kinda scary? I don't really give a shit if he wants to spend all his free time playing guardian angel, but you start to feel bad for the guy. It's like he can't turn off the little voice that tells him Big G is gonna be soooo mad if he doesn't meet his Virtue Quota. It makes being a demon seem like the better option.

I don't know. He needs to get a little more selfish. Prideful, even. Don't tell him I said that either."

Justice, about Pride: "Pride is colorful, in language and mannerisms. He always wears the flashiest thing he can find, I honestly can't tell if he's going to the store or going to a bar with his friends most days. It's... a lot, but also wonderful in it's own way. I don't think there are a lot of people who are even half that confident about their style as he is. I like his piercings, too, they really suit him. And the goatee, messy hair—he's very rough around the edges, and I think it's on purpose that he looks the part.

I wish we got along better, honestly. I think—I know he's been hurt a lot in his life, so I don't blame him for being distant with me. We're from completely opposite worlds, after all. I just hope he isn't so driven by his pain that he thinks he can't heal from it.

Pride is so angry, and it really breaks my heart sometimes. I don't want to say that to him, because I know he'll take it the wrong way, but it's just how I feel. It's awful that he's had to go through so much alone. He doesn't ask for help because he thinks can't trust anybody but himself.

I wish he would trust me. Again, I don't know how to say that without coming off like I pity him. I just want him to be okay. I'm not sure if he knows I can feel his pain, but... I want to help make it stop."

16. Is one of them keeping secrets from the other? Why? How would they react if the secret was revealed?

For a long time, Pride was keeping the secret that he'd literally die if his demon contract couldn't be fulfilled. At first, it was because he didn't want an angel to know his one fatal weakness, but the longer it went the more he just... didn't want to think about it. "I will ignore the problem and then it'll go away," type. He didn't want to ruin this perfect never-before-experienced love by reminding himself and admitting to Justice how much danger he's truly in. He eventually reveals it himself, but if it had been discovered early he would have panicked and tried to flee the situation (he would fail)

Justice's secret is that he used to be very emo teenager (or the angel equivalent of a teenager anyway). He's keeping this secret because it's so so embarrassing. When Kindness reveals this secret to Pride behind his back the first thing he does is crumble into a pile of dust.

19. Are they satisfied with their relationship? Do they wish they were closer/more distant?

For a long time, Pride fought the idea that he even wanted to be friends with Justice. He didn't want to admit he wanted an angel to like him, it felt like debasing himself. At the same time, he had so many feelings about Justice that would not let him be normal. When they get together, the only thing Pride wants is for them to be physically attached at the hip so he can have attention whenever he wants.

Justice was far more able to accept how he felt about Pride, but kept it to himself because he thought Pride wouldn't want him that way. He did secretly yearn for a deeper friendship, if nothing else, because he could tell there was more to Pride than what he saw on the surface. When it turns out Pride wants him back, he is more than happy to spend every day of the rest of his life at his side. So they're both pretty satisfied with that!

[send me a couple ask]

[sleepy-vix]

hiiiii i came here to talk about jane spring because i know that you have opinions and i have opinions too! yay!

so. i think that you are so right saying that people who make jane to be a villain are wrong. but i also think that sometimes trying really really hard isn't enough - sometimes it doesn't help. and that isn't the our fault, because sometimes trying is all that we can do. BUT in the same time i feel like my main issues with jane and julio aren't the things that are openly adressed in the books. it's not the things tori accuses them of. it's the fact that tori is so busy with helping charlie. how old is she, 17? she shouldn't be the one taking care of charlie. she shouldn't be the one trying to convince him to eat breakfest. she shouldn't be the one that oliver calls when charlie locks himself in the kitchen. i feel like that's the part that really makes me feel weird about jane and julio. why isn't oliver calling them? why isn't he calling his parents, the people who are supposed to care for charlie, the adults? why is he calling his teenage sister? because if i was in a situation like that i definitely would not be calling my sister.

i think that jane spring is a very well written realistic character and that's what most heartbreaking about her to me.

i think that people who call her abusive are crazy. like have we even read the same books????

anyway. i would love to hear more of your thoughts about her

bye

oooh okay this is a very interesting thing to point out. Thank you for sharing! i love talking about this :)

ok here i go-

Firstly, adressing the fact that Oliver called Tori when Charlie was in danger, i think that it is quite likely that Oliver would have thought of calling his parents first. I don't remember the events of solitaire word by word because i read it a while ago, so do correct me if i'm wrong, but this is what i think:

i think oliver spring trusts and loves his parents. now, i cant say for sure because obviously he doesnt get much screen time, but everytime we do see him (unless he's with charlie or tori) he seems to always be carried by his parents or staying very close to them. also, remember when oliver really wanted a dog but jane spring wouldnt let him? she was so nice about it. even though some people may think that she isnt the best mother to tori and charlie, it is very clear that she is a good mother to oliver.

so, i think it is reasonable to assume that he DID think of calling his parents first. However, they probably didn't pick up (which is not their fault- these things happen. how could they possibly have known?).

Or, another explanation is that he didn't want to bother his parents, because he was still young and he didn't really understand the urgency/weight of what was happening inside that kitchen (although i do acknowledge that he had a hunch that it was bad.)

Btw, I am the oldest child. I have a sister 2 years younger than me and i have another one 8 years younger than me. I think i am quite verified to about the spring sibling dynamics. If my youngest sister called me when i am out and said that she is worried about something weird that my other sister is doing, i wouldn't think that it is a reflection of how trustworthy or reliable my own parents are.

i personally always assumed that it was normal to trust your siblings more than your parents because your siblings are more understanding and also they don't have the power to punish you (is this not the case...?)

Also, about Tori having to constantly ask Charlie to eat and look out for him, that's honestly just an oldest sibling thing, imo. Of course Tori would try to always look out for Charlie, because she is older than him and cares about him and feels responsible for him.

Jane and Julio have to go to work. They may have to leave really early or come home late, and that's not their fault. I think that when they have time, they obviously do look out for charlie (duh because hes their kid lol), but the story mostly shows tori looking out for him because its tori and charlie's story.

Of course that manifested negatively and impacted Tori's mental health, but i wouldn't say that it is Jane or Julio's fault. Even if Jane and Julio spent every hour of the day looking after Charlie, i think Tori still would have worried to death over him.

Oh also, i do agree that Jane and Julio probably should have paid more attention to Tori and her mental health, but that only means that they are flawed parents. i do acknowledge that they are flawed, but then again, all parents are flawed (i know this doesnr make it right, but it does put things into perspective... imo)

i think my greatest irritation at the fandom is when they act like jane and julio played a big part in worsening tori and charlie's mental health 😭

i look forward to your reply! i typed this out on a long bus trip while half listening to my sister tell me a story so it may be a little messy, do correct me if im wrong abt anything

:D

[thatdodoanonx]

Hey Dodo!!

I haven't heard from you in a bit, I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing! I think about you regularly, and although I know it is a silly wish considering your circumstances, I hope you are doing well. And I hope that one day you will be safe and sound, and that that day comes soon.

I love you, truly

Hi everyone this not so quick update about my state, it has some heavy topics so I'm gonna put some trigger warning please keep that in mind and don't worry I'll get to everything eventually 

TW: Suicide, Self Harm, COSA, Religious Trauma, Abuse 

Now with that being said I wanna start by saying Hi, it's been almost a year since the whole thing happened, it was emotional rollercoaster but I can assure I'm still alive and start my journey to recover ❤️‍🩹 

Did I leave home?

No but my mom got a promotion out of the town and I only see her once sometimes twice a week, she did try to make me move with her but couldn't because of college (I only got one year left YAY!!) 

Is she still a pain ?

Yeah nothing changed about her she is still as controlling, she gave me back my phone but put a child lock on it so I won't be able to access any app except the ones related to college, and she gave me back my laptop (which I'm using to write this on it)

Ok now onto the heavy topics, I found myself relapsing into my old bad habit, cutting and biting myself until it bleeds I haven't done that since highschool,to put it blunt I didn't have irl friends or at least a support system, and metal health in my country is a taboo and being from a well known family in a small town isn't helping, so the idea of a therapy is out of the window, and being alone with my thoughts didn't help

And then my first attempting, idk why but I couldn't do it I guess I was scared, no one was home that day and even had razors but I couldn't. I was able to find my dad's old laptop and typed for suicide hotline and to my surprise there was. The lady on the phone helped me a lot because I was going through a bad panic attack. At the end of the call she told me to talk to my mom about it, she's a doctor after all and there's no shame in it, but come on now that's my we're talking about. I told her I'll try 

Fast forward: I was visiting mom in the city she's working now at, the job comes with a free rental apartment, anyway me and her had a heart to conversation and me being the idiot that I am thought about it was opportunity to talk about some childhood trauma, it's painful to talk about it but don't worry I'm coming with the term that it wasn't my fault. (I'll highlights the next paragraph so don't have to read it if it upset you I'm writing it so u can understand the context)

I was a victim of COSA (child on child sexual assault) by my cousin who is the same age as me (we both were 7 at the time) , she unfortunately had an early access to internet and would show me sexual images. I told my cousin about the bulling I was going through school because I like a boy and said I would marry him (which extremely forbidden in my Religious school) so my bullies made a rumor about me being a loss child and I would going out which older boys, the rumors were so bad one of the teachers pulled me aside and confronted me about it, she knew I was a good kid so there was no way.

I told my cousin about it, I trusted her and what do you she did? That's right she blackmailed and told me I didn't do whatever she wanted she would tell my mom about my secret. So there I was me and her in a small room at our grandma's house, things happened I don't want to recall and I don't think I'll be able. no matter how I begged and cry, I just kept numbing myself until it's over, this still habit I have , one the thing I do to survive 

I told mom about, my childhood trauma, my suicide attempt. she was understandly horrified, she tried to comfort me but this processed to say it was my fault that I let that happen, I told her I was scared and still a child 

Then I told that I was messed up and need a professional help to which she said "we don't need that I'll fix you myself"

The next day me and her got into a fight over something stupid to which she as always had to pull the secrets I told her against me "Why don't you fucking kill yourself already? You said wanted to do it, huh? Now it's your time at least you'll save a headache" she said that in front of my brother 

I know whenever she gets mad she would go so low but even that was low for her, that was the one time I trusted her with something so personal I never told to anyone and somehow she managed to shutter every lasting trust I had in her. Part of me still thought everything she would do was out of love, that was tough love and she only hurt me because she care but I guess at that moment truly open my eyes 

I came to her that night and told her that what she said really hurt me and I trusted her with something very personal to which she dismissed and said "oh [name] me and you know well that you'll never kill yourself, you're too coward anyway" 

Out of all the things she said to me that has to cruelest thing ever, maybe because part of me know she was right but I didn't think she would say it out loud 

After that everything went blur for me, summer course I started to see her less and less. In the few weeks without her were strange to say the least. I come home and it's... quiet? No shouting, no yelling, no screaming no nothing. It was weird, I didn't know what to do with that quiet, I felt if I relaxed to much she might jump out of nowhere and scream at me, but I have to say it was nice, I felt like I can breathe? Like no one is watching everything I do waiting for me to make a mistake. It is not ideal she still come every week but honestly it's better than nothing. I started to write a little in my notes every now and then, I even started to draw again. Both brought me comfort, and I even allowed myself to make friends, it's not a big group but hey we get along. There's on in particular friend group I'm close to the most, she's lovely, keep talking and texting me to check, I gotta say it was a bit overwhelming but I'll never tell her to stop because that's how she shows she care

Life has been slow lately, same old routine but I'm more happy and more idk calm? I mean a few months ago I thought I won't be alive today and what do you know! I turned 23 two mouths ago (happy late birthday to I guess?) I think that is a good a step for me start healing, it won't happen over night but I know it will be worth it 

Thanks to everyone on who still checking on me, I know it was a long update, but I'm thankful you took time to read it 

I hope there's a next, see you soon

-🦤

[youremyheaven]

HEYYYY [insert whatever pet name u like] it's ur venus stellium anon from last month.. do u remember me? sorry life happened 🤩 n i've been pretty low energy so i didn't get around to bothering u. I've been looking at yt vids of some of my chart placements lately and i've discovered something funny (along with other developments like me. I've been looking at ur blog the past one or two days a little and I obvs haven't made my way through the whole "backlog" but some silly thoughts:

I didn't know u were bi! For some reason I felt a little awkward talking about this because I didn't want to be That Person lol (aka everyone was talking about guys and I didn't wanna weird anyone out 😔) but my exes were women 😂 supposedly I gave them daddy energy lmfao I hate it because I wanted that from someone. I talked about them a bit vaguely but it might've sounded worse under the assumption of it being a man. (Unless I didn't say much and just forgot)

I've been reading celebrity gossip and only now realised how people - even the most successful - can have it so truly bad when it comes to romance and idk it made me a little apathetic and allergic to it. Not in a "im swearing off of it" way but in a "im no longer going to expect it in my life. If I get surprised, yay for me. Otherwise eh." (my mind's at a weird place though so it'll probably change when other things calm down, don't worry about me 🫶 this is all about the hypothetical future anyway because I'm not looking for a relationship rn)

Sorry u got hate about ur blog. I can understand anon got upset but the unkind language was uncalled for.

I came across the ask about nodes conjuncting big 3 and one of mine does; i can assure u (and the hate anon) that yes, this particular example (me) DOES happen to be cray cray 😭

This is related to the yt vids and point 2: My charts basically say I'll have an okay enough career, but the romance department would be dodgy because I will never be satisfied by anything anyone does for me (to put it shortly) 😂😂 that had me a little shocked at first but then I was like u know what we kinda knew this.. let's just focus on that career instead LMFAO

HARD AGREE WITH U ON THE FLIRTING IN NON-ENGLISH. I gotta be honest I cringe if I hear flirting in anything other than English (I've only ever been exposed to it in that language) but I read a fic (english) once where this man called his lover "meri jaan" and it had me in a DAZE FOR DAYS (excuse the lame pun pls) SO YES I AGREE W U. I've been collecting other little terms (just 1 so far) that I've seen people around me using affectionately and they're sooo sweet.

I HOPE U'VE BEEN WELLLLLL. I'm away from tumblr lately so I probably won't be able to send u asks in the near future but I hope u stay safe and take care of urself 💖💖 BYEEEEE

HEYYY bbg 🥺

I thought this was going to be astrology related but you're just checking in on me 😭😭😭😭and I feel so touched 🥺🥺🥺

1. About being bisexual

I feel like there are definitely different dynamics at play bc I do attract more butch leaning women who want to be my daddy 🫣🙈 but whenever it's a femme x femme dynamic, I always feel like I become the more dominant one and I do kinda hate it 😭😭

It just wears me out to be the giver tbh 🙃 especially because I already assume that role in so many other areas in my life, I just want to sit back and be babygirled 😭😭 this is why despite being attracted to women , relationships with women don't really work out for me 😭😭

it's all a matter of luck when it comes to love and relationships and sometimes things find us unexpectedly.

what I've learnt from some of my recent experiences is that someone can do all the right things, give you princess treatment and all that yet not make you feel anything 😭 so to be physically attracted to someone, emotionally in- sync with them, AND have a healthy relationship,, it's all down to luck 😭

2. not u calling yourself cray cray 😭😭

majority of people in this world are not living happy lives, be it with regard to love, career or family. To even have one of these things going well is a huge blessing ✨and while it's possible to have all of them, it's okay to not beat yourself up for achieving all 3 in one go.

One of my dad's childhood friends, remained unmarried into her late 40s. This is veryyyy unusual in India and she's not from a bougie artsy family where such things are chill or anything either. She, however, had a brilliant career and is a civil servant and rn she's in a veryyy high ranking position because she's worked her way up. Everybody around her pitied her (for being single and childless) but she was just out there making $$$ by the time she hit her late 40s people stopped pestering her because by that point, it's kinda "too late" to settle down. BUT GUESS WHAT HAPPENED??? she met a reallyyyyy cute Swiss-German man who was visiting our state/city and she happened to be the one showing him around?? (someone linked them up basically) and that wonderful meet-cute led them to marriage in like 2 months lol ,,, this lady who had been single for 47+ years found the right guy and married him in less than 2 months???? Isn't that sooooo romantic??? It's all about timing 💛💛 and now they've been together for a decade and spend most of their year travelling the world ✨and are very much in love

So different eras of our life will have us focusing on different things. Rn it's probably best to make that $$$ and focus on yourself. Love will find you when it needs to 💛✨💛

3. About flirting in non-English

JAJAJSJ yess I used to cringe 😬 hearing Desi flirting across languages 😭but now I feel like I've finally decolonised my mind to find it cute 😭

My ex was Tamil and he used to call me "bomma" which means "doll" in Tamil ,, I had a flop talking stage with another Tamil guy who used to call me "Kitty kutty" ("little kitty") and idk if it's a Tamil guy thing but they go hardddd with their affection through terms of endearment

Flirting in Hindi is always fun bc it's all "aapka this, aapka that" (using honorifics) and respect turns me on i guess lmao 🤭🥵 Idk if this is just a Desi thing but yk how men start calling you madam and ma'am 😌yeah I live for that shit 🤭🤭 they'll be like "madam is still getting ready" and I'll be like 😍yes the hell I am 😍😜

4. Thank you so much for checking in with me angel 🥺🥺 I appreciate it and you soooo much 💛💛💛 you're the sweetest

I'll take care of myself 😜 😌and I hope you do as well!!! 💛💛 May the rest of July be wonderful for you ✨

[most-definitively-a-human]

Oh dear. It seems I may have made yet another character autistic without realising. We've got three now. (Most likely.) Yay!

I'm happy her experiences are different enough to mine that I'll still have fun. (I get bored when characters are too similar to me)

I'm seeking out the input of people who aren't as negatively affected by autism as I am to get a clear view of things. I'm disabled to the point where I can't drive or work by it, have a caregiver, and don't relate much to much of the autistic representation I see. My experiences with autism are predominately sensory, motor, and with executive function, but I don't struggle to make friends and Lumin's are mainly social and about routine, I think that's why I didn't notice for so long. In many ways we're complete opposites.

My experiences are a skewed and incomplete perspective of what the spectrum is, and something I'd like to rectify/add onto.

About Lumin

Lumin despises interruptions, experiences outbursts of rage whenever interupted, and follows a strict schedule (mainly due to being a workaholic but she does find it soothing). She prefers to do things together than talk most of the time (like sparring), has to excercise to deal with a ceaseless and restless energy, and doesn't understand people different to herself and assumes everyone is similarly oppurtunistic.

She communicates in a blunt, direct manner, with occasional vivid metaphor. She despises looping floral speech, abhors small talk and beaureocracy, and doesn't understand how to interact with others outside of intimidation or power plays as that was all she was taught.

Other people's emotions and sentimentality baffle her, and she's annoyed by their outbursts. She sometimes attempts to soothe people by saying things like "you have nothing to cry about" and "it could be worse" with genuine kind intent. She wishes she could find people who aren't so easily upset.

As a doctor, she is baffled by people who say she has a bad bedside manner. Why are they angry at her for failing to interrupt her duty to engage in pleasantries? Do they want her to be slow and incompetent? If you want pleasantries go elsewhere. You have a broken arm. Why isn't that your priority?

She couldn't bear working as a soldier since she hated being ordered about and 'being in the prescence of so many unambitious idiots' (I think she might also be overwhelmed by all the people but too proud to admit it) (she also hates turning her hobby into a job) (sparring is the one thing in her life that wasn't graded and she wants to keep it that way)

When she meets Asran (a small child of eight years) she decides to entertain him by reading out loud medical textbooks. This works. She does not have any other ideas for methods of entertainment other than "put him in a garden and ignore him" or "give him non sharp medical tools to fiddle with"

Most people dislike her, and she gave up on trying to be friendly long ago. She tries to seem as intimidating and unpleasant as possible because if she can't be loved, at least she can be feared.

She also has a strict moral code and is relentlessly adherent to authority figures she admires. She thinks it is sacriledge to question them.

Typing this out, it seems the main reason I didn't realise it is because she doesn't need a carer like me. She seems pretty obvious now that I type everything up.

I do have another few points of difficulty though.

Reasons why I'm uncertain

-Her inability to empathise is more due to her experiencing severe trauma and also being a jerk. She could understand others if she tried. She just doesn't want to because a) she has work to do and b) to her people are all the same anyway. No point in analysing them when the only important thing is ascertaining whether or not they're useful or a threat. (She would still have a naturally blunt style of communication without trauma - might be even blunter) (And would still be fixated on medical knowledge to the detriment of everything else.)

-She's an alien mermaid with a different set of instincts. She has a heightened prey drive and heightened instincts. Due to her species this explains much of the autism like symptoms, like the sensory seeking behaviour and love of schedule. In short, she wouldn't qualify for a diagnosis without being an alien so I'm not quite sure if she counts.

Personally I think her experiences will be very relatable to many autistic people, but I'm not quite sure yet due to the alien mermaid thing.

I want to make sure I'm describing her accurately. I'm not interested in changing her to be more in line with the diagnostic criteria - she's her own person and close to being fully developed as a character at this point. If she's subclinical that's great because people on the border between neurotypical and autistic get someone to relate to, and if she isn't that's also great. Either way she'll resonate with people, and that I'm content with

I just want to know how best to describe her and make no false promises. (Don't want to say she's autistic rep when she might just a more relatable than average ornery fish lady)

[kimmimaru]

So, probably a bit TMI (mentions of mental health) for random internet strangers but oh well. I'm sticking it under a cut for people who don't care lol.

So, I've been having a...difficult time lately. I'll keep it simple and just say I'm struggling pretty bad with personal shit. Anyway, I was considering looking into counselling but the NHS no longer fund talking therapy, it's only CBT and stuff which is helpful but not what I need. So I'd have to pay through the nose. And even if I could afford it I've only been able to find 1 single person in my entire town who specialises in treating autistic people. There may be more but honestly I have no idea where to even begin looking. Also like there's loads of groups for older people and people with toddlers but nothing for parents of older kids, groups for the parents I mean. I struggle very badly with making friends and talking to people, I'm awkward as fuck and have no idea how to socialise. Unfortunately I'm not a child so don't have anywhere to go to meet people like me. It's hard to make friends when neurotypicals have an instinctual dislike of autistic people (ok not everyone but apparently they can identify people as 'weird' without even speaking to them and generally tend to avoid us). Sorry, I did say this was probably TMI, but I'm just so fucking lonely and so stressed I'm having heart palpitations. I'm not sleeping either and unfortunately I don't have anyone to actually talk to about it so this is why I'm posting this here. Its at least just getting it all off my chest, even if it's not a long term solution maybe it'll be enough to actually help me get some sleep tonight. My mum was the person I talked to about all this shit, the only one I felt I could actually confide in and she's gone. I have family but they're busy with their own lives and tbh...I never felt like they ever really got me. My dad's a very closed off man, not in a cold way, he was always affectionate but he and my mum got divorced a long time ago and since then I've never felt able to talk to him about deep stuff. I suppose it's something to do with broken trust and all that crap. My sisters are way too busy and have their own problems and lives and my only brother is a lot older than me and far away. They all love me and care about me, I have never doubted it but none of them are neurodivergent. They don't understand me really and never have (that's not a self pitying 'oh woe is me' it's just a fact). It's a very weird feeling to be surrounded by people who love you but knowing they just don't get you. I am extremely aware that people would kill to have what I do, a big, loving family and they try really hard to understand and help but sometimes you just need more weirdos like you who see the world the same way and have the same kind of issues you do. What I want is a day. Just one single fucking day where I can just do what I need to do around the house without just staring at it for hours before I work up the spoons to do it. I want one day where I can actually do something creative as I've lost my drive (probably temporary, depression usually has the opposite affect on me and I write MORE when I'm depressed for some reason). I want to play with my daughter without constantly worrying about if she'll eat something other than junk food (she's an extremely picky eater), or is she'll take a bath without a fight or if she'll actually drink something for a change (yes, we are in contact with doctors about all this, it's just an extremely slow process). I want to wake up and not be exhausted for a change, I want to not be in constant pain for no fucking reason (chronic fatigue...yay). I want to not spend my days unable to focus on anything, to not be constantly disassociating because my stupid brain can't cope with too much sensory input. I am exhausted, I'm grieving and I just want to be normal for a fucking change. Anyway, it's all a lot more complicated than what I've written and it's very unlikely this makes any sense at all. But I needed to write it down, to tell someone, somewhere just so I can stop obsessing over all these thoughts. Maybe now I can sleep.

[cephalog0d]

It's time to play the intro solo adventure from my 1989 Batman rpg book!

This game uses dice, but only 2 d10s, so for this I'm using the d10s from my black and grey set and my shiny new liquid core set.

We've got Bat Stats! I feel like Bats is pretty OP based on flipping through both this and my other book on the same system, but I guess he is the main character. The stat system is exponential, so the higher numbers are, uh. Pretty ridiculous, honestly.

For anyone who's curious, the actual gameplay for this relies heavily on the use of ~matrices~. Because old school ttrpgs were kind of just like that sometimes.

I think I understand all of it but we'll see how it goes! (Actual adventure under the cut, I'll transcribe stuff instead of trying to take pictures of the pages).

ADVENTURE START:

Gotham City, 12:17 am. The night wind cuts across your face as you dance over the urban jungle to the rhythm of the crisp clear evening. At night, the city has a life all its own. Its life is your life. Gotham is all yours. You swing over the Bowery and its hundreds of hungry mouths, flutter across the Sommerset rooftops, and bathe in the light of the Coventry street lamps. It's quiet tonight. Too quiet. Turning, you pounce on the harbor, then turn over the rock of Lyntown. Nothing scurries out. You glide over the furnace of Charon, heart racing. Yes, it's quiet tonight. Thank God for silence. But then comes Manchester. Always Manchester. As you weave your way in and out of the factories and tenements, a tiny hint of inconsistency catches your eye - a window, and a freshly broken window at that. Shards of broken glass are rudely scattered across the pavement in front of the Hernandez Brothers Warehouse. Time to punch the clock. This is why you are here. The warehouse itself is a drab, three-story, prefabricated building. There are windows circling the building at waist level, and a series of large loading doors, one of which is slightly ajar. A huge skylight runs the length of the warehouse. So much for silence.

The options are to look inside, or look around the broken window for clues. Who needs clues, there's probably plenty of those inside anyway, so I'm doing that.

You cautiously approach the shattered window and look inside. You spot a lone thief within, rooting around in the boxes stacked upon the warehouse floor.

Now my choices is to attempt to grapple up to the skylight (well, batarang-with-a-rope up to the skylight but whatever) or just go through the door. Because I will never not climb everything in any given game at any opportunity, we're doing the first one. Which means it's dice time!

You unhitch the Batarang from your utility belt and cast it up into the night.

I rolled 9 total so after consulting the multiple tables required that does mean success, so yay! Not failing as Batman immediately!

The Batarang twines itself around a chimney, and you quickly make your way up to the roof and skylight. Looking down through the dirty glass, you see a lone thief rooting around in the boxes stacked up on the floor. He's armed, but it doesn't look too bad - just a baseball bat. Definitely an amateur.

Unlike me, a professional crime fighter. My options are, and I'm quoting this because the writing is extremely funny to me, to "strike an imposing silhouette against the moon and come crashing down through the skylight in hope of scaring the bejeezus out of the thief", or just crashing in and attacking him. OBVIOUSLY we're choosing the scare the bejeezus one, why would you ever choose otherwise.

The brittle glass shatters beneath your knees as you drop to the floor with an unholy shriek. As you fall, your cape billows up about you, casting the shadow of a bat over the thief below.

I don't typically imagine Batman shrieking (unless maybe it's the glass doing that?) but hey, whatever works. Intimidation check! I got 11, consulted some tables, got to utilize the weird column shift mechanic (which is basically just a way to do more damage/effect the higher you roll above the minimum needed to succeed), and basically I do in fact manage to scare the bejeezus out of this dude.

You've managed to scare the thief completely out of his wits. He drops his baseball bat and shield his eyes in horror. Dropping into the shadows, you reach down to your utility belt and toss the thief a pair of Batcuffs. "Put them on," you growl, "now!" Quivering, the thief quickly slaps the cuffs across his wrists.

Batcuffs. XD I now can either search the thief himself or the warehouse for clues. This dude didn't seem particularly effective at the thievery and I don't think he's going anywhere atm since I successfully put the fear of the Bat into him so I'm gonna look around first.

You step around your young opponent and make your way through the warehouse. Cautiously, you begin searching behind the piled-up crates - rats usually travel in packs. Behind a half-ruined desk you finally find him - the accomplice. He's big, but scared. Kid's got a knife. He's making a move.

I know "kid" in this context probably means, like, young adult, but I'm just picturing Batman fighting children. And specifically thinking about the post-crisis 80's origin story for Jason where he thwacks Bats in the gut with a tire iron and calls him a big boob. Iconic. Anyway, time to try and not get stabbed!

First actual fight, very exciting! I rolled max on the initiative, but also I'm Batman and this dude is Not so like. He probably wasn't gonna beat the innate Initiative rating. Let's try to punch a dude with a knife. As one does in Gotham.

And hey, I get to experience this game's version of a critical! In this game, if you roll a double number (other than 1's, double 1's is just an auto-fail) you get to roll again and add them together. Which is kind of neat in conjunction with the whole column shift thing. I think I'm about to fully annihilate this thief, though, because I ended up with 30 for my total and he is. Not particularly tough.

(Which, yeah, my damage was so high the dude went to -5 immediately, whoopsie, that's probably a little excessive. Although I guess if I'm playing post-dead-Jason Batman that kind of excessive force is not entirely out of character.)

Anyway, I won the fight! ...obviously. Which also means the adventure is over and the bad guys are subdued. (I feel like the second dude is "subdued" in the same way that the dudes I drop on their head in the Arkham games are "unconscious", like, we'll pretend that for the sake of the story but.)

You've subdued and cuffed both thieves. A search of their jacket pockets reveals that neither of them is carrying any identification. A quick call to Commissioner Gordon and you can be on your way. Another job well done. Welcome to Gotham City.

Ta-da! Successful night of Batmanning, I guess.

Gameplay thoughts: If I ever actually want to play this I definitely need to make loose copies of the tables so I don't have to flip around to look at them every time I need to do an action. And have separate character sheets that aren't just a page in the book. (Which, like, I normally do that anyway for in-person games, I just didn't for this because it was a short tutorial sort of thing.)

It's not too hard to get the hang of, although I've definitely gotten spoiled by the simplicity of more modern games, and I could see with multiple people it might slow the pacing a little to have to do the matrix math for everything. That and having to assign values to actions. Some stuff obviously has built-in stats, but a lot of stuff is just whatever the GM thinks a reasonable AP value is. On the one hand, that's a lot of freedom to do whatever you want for the story, but on the other that could be a lot of on-the-fly number assigning. The reference table they give you is pretty neat, though.

The column shift thing is kind of neat as a way to have scaling success. Obviously a lot of games do that to some degree with ability checks (if you roll higher on your Insight check you get more information, etc.) but having it for things like attacks is kind of cool, too. (At least, it is when you're the one getting to use it. I guess if the enemies are doing it that might be less fun. XD)

I do kind of genuinely want to try and rope some of my friends into playing this, either this smaller Bat specific version or the bigger one that should be arriving in the next couple days. We'll see!

[badcountryofficial]

.

Like really fighting the urge not to split (bpd) on everyone and block them or smth I just kind of hate people rn. Like it sucks what the pandemic and the state of the world at large has done to us. I can't rlly care abt my friends and they can't rlly care abt me and it just sucks man. How u can love someone but not have the capacity to reach out. Years of overextending myself + ignoring my boundaries + toxic borderline abusive relationship + pandemic + all this shit...yeah I cant lmao. And it's like I can't expect ppl to whatever idek but I have to lean on smth right I can't do it alone but it feels like I have to like I have all my life. Cos rn people keep giving me tough love and im like that just doesn't do anything for me im sorry but it just feels like "well get over it" which feels like a slap in the face and just makes me feel disconnected idfk. Maybe I should just kms because no one ever fucking understands me and she made that soooooo much worse. I'd be like ur rlly treating me unfairly and she'd be like "wtf...well what abt when you did it to ms a year ago and I never told u I was upset about it? Why was it ok for u to do but not me? I'm so confused you're so confusing" like right ok I'll just go fuck myself then. Or I can fuck you even tho I don't want to atm? That's what u always really wanted so. But so much of it was her being like "well YOU did it too!!" Like. Ok. Girl this is what I meant when I said I carried the relationship. When u hurt me I sat u down and said "this hurt me. Let's fix it so we can be ok." When I hurt you you'd bring it up half the time and the other half of the time you'd wait until something bad happened or I asked or bottled it up until you couldn't stand it. You needed helpppppppppp.

She just made me feel like such a horrible fucking person and looking back I get confused like was I? Was I actually horrible to her? But at the end of it looking back from my perspective: no. And I stand firm in it, ultimately. But sometimes I give her the grace of seeing it from her pov and im like yeah to her I probably felt horrible because I didn't just enable her all the time. Is thay how I am w the people giving me tough love? I feel like im really trying tho. Idk. I just hate what that relationship did to me.

Every time I get bad again is when I start thinking abt her and us again. That's when shit starts to go south. It really fucked me up not that anyone careeesssss. Not that they should anyway tho. Like ok boohoo ur got urself into a clearly toxic relationship literally what is anyone else supposed to do. I feel so messed up lol it's just hard like idk what to do genuinely. It's been 8 goddamn months and the whole thing was CLEARLY horrible for me but there's just too many unanswered questions. At one point I told myself "don't try to make sense out of nonsense" but it's so hard. Like I said the other night, how could it mean so much and so little at the same time? Like wth. Idk. Anyway. Her vindictive ass won and I want to die abt it yay u get to "move on" after 2wks and it pissed me off did u get the likes did u get the views did u get the satisfaction of pissing me off so thoroughly that I scrubbed your existence and blocked u everywhere I could? Is that what u wanted? Or were u hoping I'd come pick one last fight. Did u mistake me choosing myself as some petty move to make u upset even tho I tried as hard as I could to make it amicable and try to keep blame off of you when in reality yes I feel like it was 80% you.

Like im done fighting w u. It was a losing game. You said you always felt like u had to compromise...that's a relationship. You canr always get what u can't. I never got what I wanted. You feeling like u had to compromise is hard to have sympathy when compromising w you was saying no to sex for half an hour and then finally agreeing to do it the next night. U were so entitled and selfish that it was hard to take that complaint seriously. U wanted to violate my bodily autonomy in the name of "But I Want It Though" so. Like grow the fuck up fr. I was an adult and u were an adult child and tbr I should have stopped it earlier but I thought maybe you'd grow up. Idk what I expected. But now we're leaving each other alone and that's good. And I have half an hour to get ready for 8hrs of children screaming and pulling hair and being hellraisers while I be bad at being a lead because this is my first time actually trying.

The learning curve is intennseeeeeee. My provocations ("lesson" activities) suck ass rn. I'm exhausted

[miaikon]

From learning a Con-Lang to discovering ancient Star Wars Lore (or, a Star Wars Rant Part 2: Eclectic Boogaloo)

Update for the month I was gone (or, the part you can skip if you just want the rant):

I am no longer almost 40 now, I am 40. So, please be patient with this little old lady. I fell a LOT deeper into the rabbit hole in the past month, so this is not only about the Mando'a language any more.

Also, sadly, my Star Wars TTRPG group is on hiatus cause scheduling conflicts and everyone else wanting to go back to D&D.

I'm still fangirling, and still feeling awkward and too old about it. I also got given a bunch of helpful links last time, which I am grateful for. I checked them out, but I do not feel up to joining any Discords at this point. I barely use the app, and I would still feel like an intruder.

I am, however, getting an AO3 account to bookmark a few fics I found and am waiting on updates for. The open tabs are getting ridiculous at that point. Also, I actually want to be able to comment. Special mention to "A varianble star", which had a great depiction of a very traumatized and messed-up character.

The Mando'a confusion (or, why are so few sillables doing so much heavy lifting?)

Really, sometimes it seems like someone made up like ten words from scratch, then tried to get the rest by combining parts of these words. You want examples? Too bad, you get them anyway.

kar'taylir - To know. This one is cheating, since the literal meaning "to hold in the heart" is pointed out in the dictionary. It is, however, the word that made me look for this pattern.

karyai - I cottoned on to this one since my spouse constantly mispronounced it as "karyaim". Kar again for heart, yai(m) for home, so heart of the home. It is the main room of the house. With me so far? Too bad, on we go.

ik'aad (baby) and adiik (child 3 to 13) are literally the inverse of each other. Were they even trying?

Bes'briik. Rail. Bes for Beskar or iron, and briik means line. Iron line.

Last point: What is up with the city of Sundari and how is it pronounced? When I first watched Clone Wars, I had subtitles off since I wanted to practice my English, and I could swear it was "Sindabe" or even "Cindabe" from what I heard. Which would make sense, analogue to Keldabe, and the "Cin" spelling would translate to "White settlement" or "white stronghold" in my mind. I tried to research this, and all I found was a mining planet called Sundari, in addition to the city. Can anyone help me out here?

Mandalorian names (or, can you really go wrong with your fan names if these are official?)

Not wanting to dunk on anyone, but some of the Legend and even canon character names get funny/ edgy/ ridiculous if you translate them. But then again, Darth Caedus was a thing, and that name is latin for "slaughter".

My first victim here is Kal Skirata. Kal meaning blade or knife is pointed out in the book itself, if I remember correctly. Skirata is, as far as I know, left untranslated, so allow my amateurish self to try. Skira means revenge, but in a personal way. Ta could either just be there for the looks or short for tal, blood. So, in the best case, he is "Knife Revenge", in the worst, he is "Knife Blood Vengeance". However edgy that is, he has nothing on the next guy, and his might be a perfectly normal Mandalorian name.

Second one: Gar Saxon. I got nothing for "Saxon", but "gar" literally means "you". This poor guy's parents took a look at his tiny baby face way back when and named him "you". And this is the one I can't get over. For the life of me, I do not understand how this happened or how this got past whatever internal consistency or quality control Legends had. As far as I know, that guy is stil canon. He was in Rebels. Sabine ends him iirc.

Honorabloe mention: Jaro Tapal. Jaro meaning "death wish". Since he's a Lasaati Jedi, I think this one is just an unfortunate coincidence, like someone's name sounding like a cuss word in another language.

Beyond the language: Canon, Legends and Fanon confusion (or, what the hell is going on?)

So, as I mentioned, I read Fan Fiction as a guilty pleasure thing. Preferably fanfiction that has Mandalorians in it. I stumbled over a few things I'm curious about.

Beskar as a force-blocker: This is in almost every fic I read, and I cannot, for the life of me, find where it originated. There's no EU/ Legends/ Canon source I could find for Beskar blocking the Force in a similar way to lead blocking radiation. If you know where this came from, please tell me.

Does Keldabe still exist? I pictured and still picture Mandalore as basically divided in two, with the desert and Sundari in the south, while the north is more forest-y and houses Keldabe, the Mandal Motors company, and Kyrimorut, amongst other things. I believe, though, that is neither accurate to Legends or Canon, and I just combined both versions of Mandalore in my mind. Even though we see ships Mandal Motors produced as recent as the Mandalorian TV show, so they must be around somewhere.

Why is there no Mando'a word for the New Mandalorians? The other two factions got them. I found some fan-made ones that do work, though.

Wild card: What happened to Jabba the Hutt's son?

Lightsabers, and the Darksaber, being sentient: It's a fun idea to play with, so I see why some authors do. It goes a lot into the magic direction for something that sells itself as Sci-Fi, though. Adding to this, is the Force sentient?

Was there really only one force-sensitive person born to Mandalorian parents?If no, what happened to the others? Is there a secret order of Mandalorian force users? Are they sent away to other force-traditions than the Jedi? Also, the term "stars-touched". I love it, but I think that one's fanon.

Concluding words

That's it for now, thank you for reading. This got, once again, quite long. I still am trying to disentangle myself from this obsession - I am an adult, and should act the part. Still, there's so much to see and think about that I can't let go.

Part 3 in a month, maybe.

[damnthenoodles]

“And as the world comes to an end

I'll be here to hold your hand

'Cause you're my king and I'm your lionheart”

I’ve been thinking about us a lot lately as you might guess. I wanted to share something that’s been on my mind and…well it’s a lot. Everything I’ve ever wanted to say is here. I hope you’ll read this when you’re ready.

I understand the last video was a lot. The last thing I wanted was to interfere with your day/s, I’m sorry. It’s good you’ve been silent. It’s absolutely needed sometimes, I completely understand and do not hold anything against you. I used to do the same. I am a little hurt by it, but I also understand.

And also..

If you still liked me just a little, I get why recent things happened how they happened. You have a lot going on in your life. Maybe you already moved the heck on long ago and I was just delusional about everything that happened. Maybe I’m stuck in the past. Maybe you do still feel something and/or Maybe you didn’t want to risk getting hurt again. I get that more than I’d like to admit. Yay for overthinking.

I’m sorry if I triggered anything or accidentally hurt you yet again. Really not the intended purpose of the initial video ( or this post-thing for that matter).

I want you to know the “I love you” in both videos wasn’t a random, spur of the moment thing. I didn’t “suddenly” love you after that one night. As ridiculous as it sounds… I fell in love with you when I met you. This will also sound absolutely fucking nuts and novela-type shit but i genuinely felt i met you in a previous life and I just so happened to find you again in this one and no one can convince me otherwise. Something embarrassing but I remember I spent a week trying to figure out who tf you were, asking everyone and their mom because I “knew you” from somewhere but could not possibly know from where. (And look at that, apparently I drew you 2 years before we even met- wtf).

SO,

In case I chicken out and don’t say everything I would like to say in person to you one day (not likely that you’ll read this either way but ey maybe ) well…here it goes I guess. 

I want you to know what was going on back then with me.this is all something that I was not actively aware of, it took me years to really see it for what it actually was. This is by no means an excuse for everything that happened by the way. It is however, a very painful reflection.

Since I can remember, in every area of my life and with everyone, I was always made to feel like I wasn’t ever enough and, at the same time, way too much. With you, however, from day one, I felt just right—like I didn’t have to try to be someone I was not. But the truth is, I didn’t know how to let myself believe that was okay.

Back then, I thought I had to be perfect to deserve love of any kind- it was conditional. I thought if I wasn’t exactly what someone wanted—physically, emotionally, intellectually, in every way—they’d leave or behave coldly, like I wasn’t worth their time. This goes for family too. It’s that fear that kept me from letting you in completely. Well, aside from some unfortunate ( for lack of better words) events that happened during sophomore-junior year. We accept the love we think we deserve is true I guess? Corny, but true. I’ll go into detail in a moment I guess.

It’s taken me years to unlearn this way of thinking about myself and accept that I don't have to be perfect to be loved - liked even. That’s part of why I got the 2/3 tattoo. It’s my reminder that imperfection is okay. Like Patrick said, two out of three ain’t bad. Also, the song it’s based of? Yeah, that also means something to me regarding you… as if you didn’t already know. Tee-hee.

It’s strange because, for myself, I never wanted perfect—hence my stellar taste in men (seriously, what the FUCK, smh). Except for you, though—great taste there. Anyways..

By the time senior year came around I was left so broken and so vulnerable by a certain someone. I can’t even say their name anymore without starting to get a panic attack.

I was left in such a state that my mind forgot way too many things. Too many important things and I lost myself completely. I didn’t have Aile for backup and I barely had Ana, or anyone for that matter. No one really knew what was going on. That being said, it really hurts me to say that there are a lot of moments we had, and a lot of things that happened between us that I do not remember to save my life.

But I do want you to know, and I’ve wanted you to know for a long time,

That I am really, really sorry for the hurt I caused you. I hurt a few people in different ways and I’ve gotten around to at least apologizing and talking to them already but not you. Quite honestly , I’m not sure why that is. Maybe I thought you wouldn’t take me or anything I said seriously anymore and that you thought I was just apologizing for the sake of doing so but that could not be farther from the truth. Fili, I want you to know I never intended to hurt you. I did not choose you back then because I was afraid and it sounds stupid, I know. I was always made to feel like I wasn’t ever enough and simultaneously way too much. Even by people we used to be friends with.

I know I sound like a broken record rn but everything felt so effortless with you and you always brought out the best version of me, whatever that was.

And that scared me. Not because of anything you did or didn’t do but, because I thought eventually you too would see that I was in fact all those things I mentioned before- both too much and somehow not enough. So I pushed you away repeatedly , never choosing you but also never completely letting you go. I loved you, I’m sorry. At the i did not realize the extent of how wrong everything was. Not only what I was doing, but what was being done to me and the chokehold it had on me. Y ‘Pa colmo i kept choosing to keep getting hurt but some mediocre excuse for a boy (girl now, apparently).

Like I mentioned earlier, my entire life I was made to feel that if I wasn’t someone else’s definition of perfect no one would love me and that would also mean I was not good enough for anyone. A certain someone reinforced that belief and ingrained it into my very being over and over again to the point I felt I was nothing without them being there to say otherwise on a rare moment. I let myself believe that the love I deserved was essentially… none at all. I let my self go through emotional hell because I had little to eventually no self esteem. Therefore the thought that as soon as you got to know me just a little bit more you’d get bored of me. You’d start to dislike everything about me and wonder why you ever began to like me in the first place. (Although I guess I did that in a different way altogether) I thought as soon as I gained a little weight or dressed the way I liked to or had my own opinion on something, was not into something you were into ( I could go on and on) you’d immediately walk away because it suddenly didn’t align with your “type”. I thought there were plenty of other girls who were way prettier and nicer and more deserving of your love and attention. I based “love” towards me almost entirely on what I looked like and if what I could offer was aligned with what the other person liked versus someone actually enjoying my company and whatever dumb thing I had going on in my head, how I looked at the world, my interests, hopes, dreams, etc. Sigh. I’m really sorry.

in retrospect I’m glad we didn’t happen back then in senior year when someone “technically skipped the line” because i would not have been good for you at all. If in Sophomore year I had been just a tiny bit less…stupid, for lack of a better word.. I feel we might be together still to this day ( yeah I said it, sue me) But senior year, i know it would’ve been worse than how things actually went because I was a total piece of shit given my emotional state and way of going about things,etc. I’ve come to learn from talking about this situation that I was essentially being emotionally abused and manipulated very hard and my ass did not realize it at the time. This person managed to isolate me from everyone I loved and made me believe that they were the only ones who could in a sense “accept me”, because apparently I was a bad enough woman that I made everyone dislike me by existing and that the only thing I had going for me was that I could somewhat draw - that’s it. It was really, really bad. I hurt myself physically and emotionally, I got mad anxiety and panic attacks multiple times a day, I developed an eating disorder, I almost failed 12th grade, I lost my best friend (and they made sure it stayed that way) and I was no longer me. To this day, I have no idea who I was before. The me you fell for at some point? I don’t know her. I do not remember, it’s as if she was completely erased, molded into whatever the hell I became and still not solid enough to have my own identity. I have had to build myself back up from basically 0 and it’s been very, very hard.

as much as i hate everything bad that happened both with us and with my own path, personally i needed to fall on my face as many times as i did and I needed go hit absolute rock bottom to wake the fuck up. And As mad as I want to be at myself in the past I can’ be. I just feel sorry and sad. The fact that I was in “survival” mode for 3 years of my life really took a huge toll on me and until recently, no one (barely myself) had a clue as to what happened. I’m sure you didn’t know the extent of everything- because I didn’t. I had to step away fully and process, reflect, etc.

After high school it took A LOT to get me un-brain washed. Some of it still lingers but I know better now, thank god.. also, the paradoxical thing is that, you have been the only person whose words/compliments I have wholeheartedly believed. Whenever you’ve called me pretty, or talented, or whatever compliment you’ve given me.. you’re the only one I’ve believed because somehow they don’t feel like empty words. You made sure of that every time. I’m so sorry I was such a piece of shit to you - I did not want to be.

At the end of senior year when you told me you didn’t want anything serious with me anymore because you were tired of chasing me… well idk what to say about that. Back then I did not see from your POV. I think.. I saw it as a reaffirmation that I was a shit person and deserved nothing ( di tu. De pinga)

but after I took time to just analyze everything that went on, (in general not just with you), I understood why you did it and I’m glad you took initiative, did that, and moved on. Also, this thought is what made all our little sporadic encounters feel..weird. In my head you didn’t want anything with me anymore as you were past it/moved on. So I decided to just accept it and not read into anything that happened just because of that. I still felt strongly for you, all those years but I thought I had blown my chance and thus not… try to chase you if that makes sense? It’s weird,I’m weird.

Anyways, Soup…

I’m sorry for misunderstanding everything these last couple of years. All the flirting, the conversations, the kisses, the words, the looks, everything. I really did hold out hope that me and you could be something more once we (more specifically me, ‘cause I was the problem) had grown up a bit. I still do, but I’m almost entirely positive you no longer feel that way and that you haven’t in years. At least I thought. The night of the tattoo... i felt like i was staring back at lovestruck you again. Everything you said and did or didn’t do made me really think we could’ve given this another chance (an actual one at least, instead of me self- sabotaging and you being insecure for no reason( you really don’t have to be if you still are)) and most importantly.. I really thought maybe you felt the same. But why would you? It’s been a literal decade and you don’t like me anymore.

I also understand that all of that was 99% not in your 2024 bingo card as it wasn’t in mine either. So it’s not like I expected us to go and be a couple or anything and honestly we have things to talk through, whether or not you want to admit it.

And the video.. well.. I mainly wanted to finish it and send it to you because I wanted you to know that I’ve loved you all this time, even if you already forgot about me and/or gave up on me con buena razón. Like I said earlier, I don’t remember huge chunks of high school cause trauma so I don’t remember if I ever told you how I felt about you. Or at least how I really felt. I don’t believe I did because no one knew about it or what I felt or didn’t feel. In case you needed any confirmation ,

Why do you think I’ve drawn you over and over again all these years? Por que eres bonito? No jodas. A ver, eres bello por dentro y por fuera y tienes la mirada hermosa pero si solo fuera por eso y no estuviera muerta contigo ya hubiera cogido otras personas para dibujar. Ojos claros andan apululu. Don’t ask, just google it.

I draw you and I paint you and I write about you trying to get you out of my system all to no avail. I fell for you once and never got up since it’s like a sick “life alert” commercial.

I thought making and sending you the video would help me to move on like you did. I thought i just had to get it out of my system y ya but it didn’t do squat. In fact I think I fell in love with you all over again making it. Oh poor artist. I guess that after a certain time,

art itself really does becomes one along with the one we love. You’re my biggest inspiration and always have been. Thank you.

Ya creo que te he dicho bastante.. and somehow words don’t seem like enough. No se ya en que manera decir todo esto. a ver si me hago loca y aflojo porque ando muy intensa. “Que haces cuando te gusta alguien?” El ridículo, hago el ridículo. bueno. Acuérdate que trabajaba en Goodwill, y para trabajar ahí hay que tener problemas… you’ve been warned. Yeah, I know I went full Shakespeare meets Pixar, but at least I’m funny about it.

Jokes aside

If you’re happy or at least at peace without me butting in your life randomly, then I am too. But if you ever wanna come and talk to me again you can, don’t be awkward about it and just fucking text me you idiot.

And hey, don’t you ever dare to change.

- 🦁

[lostandfoundvocaltrax2005]

August 15th. Evening, at the time of writing this.

today was the first day of school. kind of. DWMA doesn't really do regular school vacations. for EAT students, that is. evil doesn't relax and all that. but, it was the first day for me, who is on Kidd's time-off schedule. it was his first day back, my first, day, you get the deal. whatever. it went.. decently? the teacher, Mr. Barrett introduced me - which, i thought was a little redundant until i remembered its technically not a new school year for others. makes sense to introduce me and all that. for awhile i've been wondering if this was a good idea, as its felt really impulsive and frankly, like more of the same. i have to move to a new place for certain reasons -> i stick around for a year or so (sometimes with exceptions to this, but usually no longer than a year) -> i get too close to people -> i have to leave semi-abruptly. thats the cycle i've been in since i was.. twelve? as i was only in ohio for a few months and the whole ingrid incident only lasted like, a day. well, it took a week to sort out, but the main event was only like.. seven hours. real pain in the neck for something so short. i was also worried because i recently got into a spat with my older brother, Astro, which has.. kind of thrown me off my groove. the good news is, we made up! really fast too. the bad news is that i feel absolutely horrible about it (post argument clarity is the worst) and feel like my view of myself has been shaken up. for awhile i've sort of felt more mature than those around me, for the most part. if not more mature, then like i had a leg up - i knew more than them, because i had to. so basically i feel like i've been knocked on my ass.

but, its given me a chance to reflect on myself and why i act like this, and i've come up with a couple reasons as to why i'm.. like this. i'm not trying to pathologize myself, because thats stupid, nor am i making excuses. i'm just hoping that by finding the specific root causes, i'll be able to work around them and maybe understand myself better. and maybe it'll help others understand too. not like anyones ever gonna see this, but, a ghoul can dream, can't he?

first reason, repeated traumatic instances: i feel like this is the greatest thing thats affected my behavior. and like, yeah, no fuckin' duh it did. its kind of strange, i guess my body handles mental trauma different from physical trauma? one of the things i observed during the ingrid incident was the different rates at which i healed: first was the lacerations, second was the armpit jabs (it feels embarrassing to say i got stabbed there, but such is life), third was the burns on my legs. but i've yet to really recover mentally. fully, anyways, i've gotten better than when i was younger. so... i suspect i'm going to be dealing with this forever... yay... second reason, fae brain: the fae aren't exactly known for being super mature, so it makes sense its sort of in my blood to not be. (i do wonder if a faerie brain deals with trauma differently than a human brain...) third reason, the people i was modeled after: Astro, if you're reading this, consider this your warning to stop reading right now. anyways. you can think whatever you want about the people i was supposed to mimic. you can think L was the best detective ever (he was), you can deify and idolize him, whatever. but, he was not a mature man. he himself even knew this, which is mature of him. everything else, though? not at all. Dad, if you're reading this, consider this your warning to stop reading right now too. and Jasmine... i've heard all about her, i've read through her files.. and she.... i supposed the concept of maturity is different for everyone, but heres how i see it: maturity is to be able to act with compassion. not to say acting with blind kindness and being a doing whatever anyone else wants is smart, no, but the ability to try and compromise with and give people chances (even if they don't deserve it), and work through whatever that may bring. i don't doubt either of the people i was supposed to be were adults, or unkind, but neither were what i'd call the epitome of maturity. fourth reason, the people i've been around: i'm not trying to shift blame, i promise. but, i've gotten used to being the youngest in my polycule, but also the most "mature" at my old school(s). which, for the latter, isn't a very high bar to clear. but i won't deny this has affected me in some way. being around enablers, feeling rather coddled by older peers, and feeling like its been my responsibility to keep people safe.

maybe it was a good thing Astro and i had our spat, i feel like i understand myself a little better now (even if the mere thought of what happened kind of makes me want to take a nap on a highway).

another thing i was worried about is.. well, the other people here and my weapon partner. i'm worried that, especially with Excalibur's reputation, people are gonna think worse of me. they're gonna think i'm a cheater, or some kind of nepotism baby. (which, i am technically, but i really try not to be!) i'm also scared that everything thats happening is impermanent, or just another wammy's. another school of child soldiers to replace my old one. sure, you could argue DWMA's more ethical, but is that really a compliment? i mean, Hellsing's more fucking ethical than wammys! its really not a hard thing to achieve! i'm also scared this is gonna end(heh) as soon as its started. that what i've got going on right now with my boys + Maka is going to be some kind of.. i don't know. i don't know at all. the idea of loosing them, by accident or by growing apart or because of something else makes me feel sick, but its the reality i'm most prepared for. hell, i even keep track of apartments and jobs in shibooya for what feels like the inevitable fuck up that ruins everything! i've been getting into spats more and more with people i care about and i'm scared. i know it means that the honeymoon phase is over but i don't want my relationships to become strained over misunderstandings or my own stupidity. i almost lost Astro because i was too curious to just leave him the hell alone, and indirectly got Jackson to sniff him out, and too immature to be an adult about it.

i mean, sure, Astro wasn't what i'd call "nice" about it, but he had he reasons to be! that case is probably the most stressful thing imaginable, and i almost jeopardized so many things. (....although, one thing i will say in my defense: don't have a blog full of sensitive info set to public, or so obviously yours to people who know you. but thats not a good excuse for me.) ..actually, speaking of unethical, whats up with the stairs at the DWMA? i know on the brochure's its so "provide students with daily exercise", but.. jesus, dude. i wonder how many people have died on that thing. i also wonder if its a way to weed out students who won't be able to keep up. which, i guess is necessary. still doesn't sit right with me, but i'm not getting paid to look into this stuff anymore. (not to say i was ever getting paid, but you know.) one of the really nice things that happened today, also: i have no idea how, but i've managed to go completely under Black⚝'s radar until the first class of today. when the teacher introduced me to the class, i swear he looked like he was about to pass out. or puke. or both. he didn't do either, thank god.

he did give me a hug that i'm certain almost broke a few of my ribs, though. which felt awesome. he's small, but really well built. and his skins always kinda warm too? maybe because its august. so that was really nice. classes are alright so far too. its all new material, but i think i'm getting it pretty well! (<-voice of a boo-y whos going to fail her tests) well, no, i shouldn't self sabotage. that doesn't help anyone. i also got to have lunch with everyone too, which was also really nice! god, for all my worrying, i'm having a good time. i do wonder what i'm gonna do after i graduate, though. i know its "not over until you make a death scythe (weapon?)", but with Asura kind of under wraps(heh), is there... really any need to make more? sure, it'd kind of defeat the purpose of the whole damn school, but i really do have to wonder whats going to happen from now on regarding that. ....but i guess thats for someone else to worry about.