#Anyways I'm extremely anxious now and sometimes telling someone what makes me anxious helps me get rid of the thought spiral

[siren-of-agony]

Had a talk w my profs/employers earlier about renewing my contract where one of the things we talked about how I missed so many of the Thursday-group-meetings cause I was sick/had doctors appointments.

We also agreed to have another talk on our next meeting.

Just had to email them to tell them I couldn't make it bc I remembered I had a neurologist appointment that day.

Stay tuned to see if I lose my job I guess :D

[copperbadge]

Every so often I get an Anon ask where I'm not entirely comfortable responding in public with no cut or warnings ahead of the text -- it's not that anything inappropriate is being said, it's just sometimes the subject matter's a little rough. This is one of those, so I decided to copy and paste it and put it behind a cut; warnings for discussion of abuse and fraught familial situations.

You've spoken about having ADHD before, and i was wondering if you have any links to websites with resources for adults with ADHD that are more than the very generic "stay organised!", "eat healthily!", "avoid distractions!" things? like, something that explains ADHD and WHY getting organised is good, maybe? or how ADHD may intersect with anxiety? my mother finally went to a doctor and got (as i expected) an ADHD diagnosis, but the doctor told her medication wouldn't give her much at this point, which is fine, but she's just kept going as usual for her, which is not.

she has ignored everything i've told her before (like, to think ahead and prioritise, to make plans, to make lists, that she has to be systematic about it, to stay calm because if she has a plan everything should be done on time) but she ignores me. she just starts doing whatever, whenever, and then getting annoyed/anxious that "nothing" is done, and then she starts yelling at me.

i just want her to realise she MUST at least attempt to be organised, and that it's not just for work stuff, it's for everything, including every day stuff like chores. (also, i'd like to stop being yelled at. like, some of my first memories are of getting yelled at. it's been years and years of regular bouts of screaming. now i know it's her and not me, and i'd. like it to stop)

i apologize for the huge ask/rant, but yeah, do you know of any resources that explain the importance of being organised? i think if i show her something 'official' maybe she'll start doing it. or do you have any personal tips for talking to her about it? or a book about someone's experience with ADHD? anything. anything at all.

So there is...much to unpack here, as the kids say, both in terms of what you are asking directly and what you are not asking but what I'm going to address anyway. I don't have any great resources for what you're looking for, because neurodiversity comes in a lot of shapes and sizes even within a single diagnosis, and as you likely know I'm a big proponent of doing-what-works, and that's something a person has to figure out for themselves. A lot of people seem to find ADDitude very relatable and they are informative, but that's probably the best general resource out there to go deeper than surface, and a good place for her to start reading if she wants to.

But the real problem, Anon, is that she's never going to listen to you.

That seems like a real bold statement, but it is also extremely likely to be true. Most people who get a diagnosis start to work on themselves and learn more about their unique neurology; it's clear she's not going to do that, and you can't make her. I'm sure some of it is that she's been told her entire life, by people with much more power over her than you, to do those things: be organized, make lists, have a plan. They are the hardest things for people with ADHD to do, and she can't simply whip herself through them, and so she learned long ago to ignore anyone saying anything about it. Medication could help with that a lot, actually, so your mother's doctor really fucked you both by telling her it wouldn't do anything for her; whether she's taken that as permission to ignore the problem or whether she just believed him, he did a really shitty thing in doing that.

Your mother is neurologically incapable of forcing herself to do many things that neurotypical people find easy. There are workarounds, yes; some of us do extremely well if we decide that EVERYTHING has to be planned, and behave accordingly. Some of us find stopgaps. But that has to be a decision she makes, to find workarounds for herself. It's not something you can offer her with helpful websites or books, because she is also likely very deep in shame about it, to judge from her other behaviors. That's not your fault, which means it's also not your job to fix it.

And here's the other problem: you are in an abusive home situation where your mother is taking out her frustration with her mental illness by hurting you.

And that really really sucks and I'm really, really sorry. But the screaming-at-you, which absolutely should not be happening, is a result of decades of frustration at the world that won't accommodate her, combined with an inability to regulate her emotions. Unless she is medicated or learns better regulation or at least picks a different target, it's not going to stop. That's not your fault either. Some of it isn't even her fault. (Some of it is; mental illness is not our choice but it is our responsibility, and she is not behaving as either an adult or a parent should in abusing you because she can't find somewhere else to put all her emotions.)

Presumably you are either too young to leave or can't afford to, but the best possible thing you can do for yourself is get out as soon as you can, sever yourself from her financially, and then decide what level of interaction you want with her going forward. Honestly, may be the best thing for her as well, to realize that if she doesn't make a change, she will lose access to her child.

I realize that is almost certainly not immediately possible, however. Do not leave if you are going to a less safe situation, either. Be smart and strategic -- make your plans and prepare as much as possible ahead of time.

"So in the meantime, Sam, what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

Bearing in mind that we are going to assume you cannot help your mother, as she either doesn't want help or is in denial or both, the best thing you can do if you can't get out is to shore yourself up: remind yourself as regularly as possible that none of this is your fault, and do your best to protect yourself both emotionally and physically. IE, if she's not organized enough to buy groceries or cook, do what you can to make sure you are regularly fed -- do not concern yourself with whether she eats. That's her responsibility, she's a grownup. If you are likely to be yelled at for this -- well, she was always going to yell at you about something; it might as well be as a result of you caring for yourself first. As much as you can, spend time away from her if possible.

Given her past behavior, especially if you are an only child or oldest sibling, you may already be de-facto head of household; this may be simply a process of assuming actively that she can't fulfill that role, and doing what you can to care for yourself and any siblings. If you have other family who understand the situation, I strongly suggest tapping them for help. As much as you can, reach out to adults in your life you trust, and get their help in caring for yourself and your family without needing to depend on her for support.

I don't wish to stigmatize mental illness or addiction but living with someone in denial about the impact of their mental health on those around them is exactly like living with an addict: the best strategy is to expect nothing from them, remind yourself often that you are not to blame for this situation, look out for yourself first and foremost, and get out once you can. I'm really sorry it has to be that way, because it shouldn't be. But I'm concerned with you, not with her, and if you want to build a better life for yourself, it's going to have to be one that doesn't depend on you being able to change someone else.

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of books for you about that, either. I wish you all the luck -- you shouldn't need it, but unfortunately sometimes we still do.

[tommyssupercoolblog]

Alright, response to last night's Anon, here we go:

I revieved an Anon yesterday from someone concerned that I was infantilizing my husband Seán ( @septiccoffeefreak ), like. that I didn't think he could do things for himself or make decisions and stuff.

I have no clue where that idea came from but I love him lots, and I have literal nightmares about being infantilized myself because I carry a lot of truama for that and am terrified about it. Its a huge trigger for me that leads to meltdowns and panic attacks all the time so the thought of doing that to my puppy makes me like actually sick so I like HAVE to clear this up like pronto!!!

I brainstormed some ideas on how this miscommunication could have happened and how I can add context; I'll be addressing different things that I think maybe could have been the trigger for this ask under the cut, tho I'm not sure where exactlyyyy this came from so I'm having to guess and spread a wide net.

Posts about him?? Idk what to title this section

I run all my jokes and photos and stuff that has to do with Seán past him and make sure they're okay with him. Every time. Even in DMs, even in actual conversation. I'm extremely careful about this.

Additionally there have been many times where he's told me a post was fine but I felt it was too much and didn't post it.

For example: he really likes these joke posts about like "oh I'm just a scared little deer oh no I'm a deer in headlights I'm so cringefail boy failure pathetic" and he makes similar posts. I don't think he's pathetic at all, he does definitely have some introverted tendencies and can be a little quiet sometimes but that's not a bad thing or pathetic!! Plus I think he's funny and charming and awesome and SO SMART?? Gah??? Anyways I think he's the best. He used to be a lot more anxious and worried and sad than he is now, and we've joked before that he's a "rescue" because of those videos of dogs who are super scared/nervous and then become happy and healthy over time.

I try not to joke about that too much though because I never want him to feel like he can't do something and I also don't want strangers to think he's pathetic. A lot of these bloggers he likes call themselves pathetic and sopping wet all the time and as fun as he seems to find calling himself a sopping wet little guy he's so...to me he's like perfect. And I don't like calling him that.

That being said he does have a sort of melancholic air to him, and I don't think that makes him pathetic. He also has this sort of soft beauty to him and I think it's very magical and pretty, but I don't think it's a sign of weakness either. I'm not like, good with words so I don't know how to describe it because he can be pretty in the way sad things are sometimes pretty, but... he's not sad or pitiful or weak. He makes me happy, and he's very interesting and smart and stuff. He's just like... gentle, and there's this weird association people have between gentleness/softness and being weak and that's kind of... bad.

When I try to express this feeling I have when I look at him and like how pretty he is in that soft way I sometimes get worried that the wording will give the wrong impression, and he'll tell me it's fine but I'll be like..."no I can't call you sopping wet I know you like to call yourself that but you're NOT WET you're cute in the way sopping wet animals sometimes are but you're not sopping wet or sad or in need of help and if I call you sopping wet people will think you are pathetic and if anyone thinks bad about you ever I'll EXPLODE EVERYWHERE and I don't know how to word the words I don't know how to!! AURGH!!" and he's like "calm down lol". Sometimes I worry more about this than other times.

If I ever call him my little meow meow or something it's not to say he's pathetic or weak. In fact to be honest? I feel like a lot of the time he's more capable than I am. He's strong and I can sort of rely on him in that way, he makes me feel safe. I feel like he could protect me from the whole world, you know? If he didn't hype me up so much I might even feel metaphorically small in comparison. (Literally I am smaller. I am tiny)

He's just...sweet and gentle and soft and cute/pretty/handsome/WOWWW. And I don't always know how to express that good because I'm not good with words like he is and sometimes he'll suggest or give me a word but unless we're writing fanfic together and both writing entire lines anyway I don't want to steal from him and take credit for his epic poggers brain and his epic poggers pretty big words he uses. I try to think of the describing words myself and put something together on my own even tho it is really hard...

The fact I would do literally anything for him and also I don't want anyone to be mean to him ever

I know full well Seán can protect himself??? He's extremely capable and smart. But he also deserves the world and he also, in a perfect amazing world, wouldn't HAVE to defend himself from mean people. When I post about wanting to protect him or how "I would literally kill for you babygirl" it's about loving him and wanting to help him and keep mean people away, not about him being unable to handle anything at all.

Wanting to defend him is all about loving him and thinking he's precious and WORTH defending. If you saw your best friend in a fight would you be like "oh well they're strong they can handle it haha" NO YOU WOULD JUMP IN AND BITE THE ATTACKER IF EVEN IF UR FRIEND IS TWICE YOUR SIZE ANS WOULD HAVE WON ANYWAY BECAUSE THEY DESERVE!!! SUPPORT!!!!! I would do anything for my babygirl no matter what. It doesn't matter if I could do it or even if I could do it any better than he could, it just matters that I can try. And I love him so much that GODDAMNIT I'm always gonna try.

ANXIETY/TALKING TO PEOPLES

I have never, EVER decided FOR Seán that I should do the talking. I usually try to encourage him to talk himself if he can and hype him up as long as he's comfortable and sure he wants to. But he usually doesn't WANT to talk to people, like at all- it's a rare occurrence. A special one that makes me jump for joy every time because it means he's feeling safer and getting healthier mentally- but a rare one.

Seán's anxiety can be crippling at times and I try to be there for him when it is. He helps me when I have mental problems too, and keeps me safe and talks me down. But I don't think any lesser of him just because he needs me to talk to employees sometimes, that would be awful!!! And he doesn't think lesser of me either if I have an autism meltdown or need help making food (he usually cooks because I struggle with it). Sometimes people just need help.

I don't talk to employees for him because I don't think he can talk to people at all- I actively encourage him to talk to people and try to push him to keep going whenever possible, offer him advice, tell him he's doing great and to just keep talking- but I talk to employees for him because sometimes he asks me to or gets so frozen that i try to comfort him but I can't get through and he's basically just about to cry, or is actively starting to cry.

If Seán is uncomfortable with something and doesn't want to do something, if he's nervous and upset, I'm not going to put him through that when I can easily sidestep the whole issue. I'm fine ordering for him at restaurants if it makes him happier and safer, but when he's feeling good enough to order for himself that makes me really happy!!!

Petnames

He asked for the petnames I call him. They make him blushy and happy. I call him princess and puppy and babygirl because he's shy about it but he really likes it and I want to make himb happy :3

[hexmaniacchoco]

Sorry OP, had to vote YTA, though initially I was considering voting for ESH. I wanna clarify here that I genuinely want to help you understand why your actions are wrong so that it can help you in your future relationships. So, I'll emphasize points I think are important. It may sound a little harsh sometimes, but none of it is an attack. TL;DR is at the bottom, though I highly recommend you take the time to read and understand the more thorough explanations. In any case! Here's why: Yes, the guy does seem to be kind of inconsiderate. I'm not even all that surprised that on the website that defines friendships as "Your friends should strive to make you happy at the expense of their own happiness, and you never have to do the same for them", that ESH and NTA are in the lead. (VERY disappointed about the people voting NTA but not surprised, and unfortunately that example is based on a plethora of real posts I had the misfortune to witness. Just so you know, that sort of definition is extremely narcissistic and manipulative thinking.) But here's the thing. You were asked by your teacher to talk to him. Not the other way around. You were asked to help him with his problems, and to accommodate him. Not the other way around. But somehow in your story you wound up expecting him to accommodate you? Even though you volunteered to accommodate him with an implicit understanding that he would likely be unable to accommodate your needs, at least for quite some time? And he did try to accommodate you anyway and you told him it wasn't enough? And that's where I decided to vote YTA. Now, here's what you're doing wrong here. First, I want to elaborate a little more on the above point. So your teacher said that there's a student who has problems which you left vaguely described as such, but probably results in a difficulty making and keeping friends, and that they wanted you to talk to him and be a friend to him and support him. Right? And again, this agreement comes with the understanding that you are being the support for someone who probably isn't able to support others. So it's not like you're trying to solve his problems, but to just be a friend who can support him while he works on his own issues. So why are you telling him that he needs to talk to you more and reply to you consistently because of your anxiety? Sure, if you both met and befriended each other on your own, then I can see this being ESH. He did try, but didn't seem to put in an equal amount of effort. But you were asked if you would be his friend and talk to him in order to be a support for him, and MOST importantly, you agreed to it. This was a completely voluntary decision you made on your own. He had every right to be upset with you for that. And this leads me to my next point. You said that you interpreted your tarot reading to mean that he was casting spells to get you to talk to him, but you seem to be the one insisting on him talking to you. You've directly contradicted yourself by detailing how much you wanted him to talk to you and then claiming that he's somehow cast a spell to make you talk to him. To be honest, this is a lack of accountability on your part. Instead of thinking that maybe you were becoming too overbearing, or perhaps were encouraging your own feelings of entitlement to his time, you did a tarot reading in order to find an excuse. Tarot is entirely about how you interpret the cards, and someone who is angry about why someone won't talk to them can easily interpret them in a way that shifts the fault away from themselves. In your case, you decided that actually he was the one who wanted to talk to you, and that erases the hurtful feelings you felt when it seemed to you that he didn't actually want to talk to you.

And the heavy energy you felt??? That is your anxiety lol. Plain and simple, you described classic anxious symptoms that everyone and their ancient mutual has read and reread a thousand times over in mental health awareness posts on this website. And the source of that anxiety was probably something like being alone with someone, or being alone with him specifically because he didn't feel like a friend to you, or just stress from feeling like you cared a lot more about your friendship with him than he did. You definitely aren't feeling as if you are being considered, and that can make spending time with people you don't feel are considering you very awkward and uncomfortable, which can easily trigger the sort of stress that then triggers your anxiety. And it's not wrong that you wanted to feel considered! It's not wrong to want your friends to care about your friendship as much as you do! It's really not! But you two did not meet and befriend each other on your own. He did not ask you to be his friend. You were asked by someone else to be his friend. And honestly, maybe he did care about your friendship. It's actually not unlikely that when he assured you that he wanted to be your friend, he was actually putting in effort to try and ease your anxiety. Despite his own personal problems, he still tried to the best of his ability to be considerate of you, even though you were asked to be the considerate one. And instead of recognizing that, you used tarot to find some justification for your own feelings. You then confronted him, telling him essentially that he wasn't doing enough to make you feel better. Of course he got mad! Imagine you were injured and someone volunteered to help physically support you, but then started complaining to you about how you needed to carry some of your own weight to make them more comfortable, and then finally said that they aren't going to continue helping you because you aren't helping them enough. If it makes sense, that's basically what you're doing to him. You weren't two people walking side by side and then one person kept leaning too much on the other without concern for their comfort. This was someone having trouble walking and you were asked to help support them while they built up strength to walk on their own. And well, it seems you can learn more from this than he can. Judging by his reaction to your behavior, he has zero problems setting firm boundaries. Ultimately, this might be a lesson for you in learning to respect the boundaries of others. When you said you would talk to him when you "both" feel better, that wasn't nearly as fair as you might have thought it was. You are telling him that you will talk to him. You either assumed that he would be ready before you would and therefore when you both talk would be determined by when you felt ready, or else you just decided he should be ready by the time you are and if he's not then it doesn't matter. You talk about him being manipulative, but all I see from him are firm boundaries and a lack of conversational/interpersonal skills. But I do see a lot of manipulation from you towards him. I don't mean this in an insulting way, as it's unfortunately often taken and/or used. I genuinely think you should talk with a therapist to identify your own manipulative behavior (and anxiety) so that you can work on that and build better and longer lasting relationships in the future. I don't know if you and your friend will ever make up or not, but either way, I'm wishing you both the best.

TL;DR: YTA because you volunteered to enter into a friendship with him in which it was implied you would be putting in much more of the effort than he would be. But then you started telling him he needed to put in more and more effort. And he tried! But you told him it wasn't enough. You used tarot to try and find a way to justify your feelings, and somehow turned things around on him and claimed he was casting spells to make you talk to him, even though it's very clear you're the one who wants him to talk to you. The heavy feeling you had was literally just your anxiety brought on by stress from the situation. It is textbook classic anxiety that you yourself admitted to having. You're not wrong for wanting to feel considered, but again, he didn't ask you to be his friend--you were asked to be his friend. And I think he did care about the friendship, because he definitely did put at least some effort into the friendship. It may have been the best he could do at that point, to try and assure you that he wanted to be your friend in order to help ease your anxiety. He seems to be able to set firm boundaries, even if he lacks some communication and/or interpersonal skills. You're the only one who comes across as manipulative in your story. My suggestion is for you to find a therapist to help you identify those behaviors in yourself, so that you can work on them and build healthier relationships in the future that both you and the other person can feel good about. I don't know if you'll both ever make up or not, but either way I'm wishing you both the best.

AITA for not talking to someone because of his vibes?

a couple months ago a new guy started going to my classes but, because of his own problems he didn't go very often so his mom talked with a teacher to tell someone to talk to him, and he told me so I tried to text him but he never replied.

After months I decided to tell him about a tarot reading and we started talking but he never started the conversation and he'd stop replying at random times, while we were talking just fine. I tried to tell him that this made me feel bad but he never changed anything, he dismissed me when I told him I had anxiety about stuff, or that something made me nervous, but he assured me that he wanted to be my friend. I felt like I was hyperfixating on him.

And this is where it gets weird. A couple days ago I was alone with him and I felt a very heavy energy coming off him, it made me dizzy and I almost threw up, so I had another tarot reading to see what to do, and they said that he had done something to me so I would talk to him (he had said previously that he works with lucifer and some archaengels). Because of this and the way he treated me I decided to text him and cut ties, he answered saying how angry he was because I didn't understand that he wanted to be friends (he never demonstrated this), he told me that I didn't understand him and that I had to be patient because he has problems, an audio yelling about how awful I am for not listening to him, it all sounded kinda manipulative.

After this I started feeling weird so I told him that I would assume my mistakes and talk when we both felt better, and he blocked me.

so, am I the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[twistedtranslations]

Idia Shroud - I can’t

You can unlock this story by getting Idia’s SR Ceremony outfit

Translation under the cut

TL notes

Q.E.D. is a manga where the main character gets roped into various detective cases by his friend and only solves them because they asked.

Idia calls others with the -shi suffix, which can be translated as Mr. but I left that out.

Ignihyde Dorm - Idia's room

Idia: Sigh… I can't do it after all… Why did I make that nonsensical promise with Ortho to appear at the entrance ceremony… No, it's because I'm weak to Ortho's requests, I know, I know, I’m almost like that Q.E.D. guy… But I shouldn't be! 

Idia: There's no way that a shut-in like me will suddenly show up at a big event like the entrance ceremony where all the students gather! Y-Y-Yet I'm the dorm leader…?! Just thinking of everyone watching me… Ugh. I'm feeling extremely dizzy. I'm getting a stomachache. I'm totally feeling sick right now, oh no, guess I gotta call in sick;

*Knocking*

Ortho: Brother?

Idia: Ack! … O-Ortho. Is there something?

Ortho: I'm going to the sports field for a bit. There's only one week left until the entrance ceremony, so I quickly have to get used to my new body!

Idia: O-Okay. Have a safe trip. Don't stay out too late.

Ortho: Okay~

Idia: He's so cheerful… Does the entrance ceremony make him that happy? If I were to tell him that I’ll skip out on the entrance ceremony because it’s too harsh for mr, he'll surely be disappointed… What should I do…

*Knocking*

Idia: O-oh!? O-Ortho, is that you!?

Riddle: Idia, it's me, Riddle Rosehearts from Heartslabyul.

Idia: R-R-Riddle?! W-Why are you at Ignihyde?

Riddle: Because the principal asked me. I will bring you to the dorm leader meeting for the ceremony, even if I have to collar you… understand? Good grief, the entrance ceremony is so close, yet you have not even shown your face once during the preparations. The only ones who have not come to the meeting are you and Malleus. Please hurry and come.

Idia: I…

Riddle: I?

Idia: I can't.

Riddle: … Huh? You can't? What do you mean? You are in good health, are you not?

Idia: N-No, Ortho isn't here now… talking face to face with you guys… and then the meeting… I definitely can't do it!

Riddle: Stop making excuses… you are a dorm leader. You should not be so lenient on yourself. It is not like I have free time either. Hurry and go, and open the door!

Idia: I, I-I don't want to! I-It's not like I wanted to become the dorm leader!

Riddle: You are being irresponsible. Once you put in charge, it is only natural that you perform your role, no matter the reason.

Idia: Argh… there it is, oh there it is, "It's only natural"~ There they impose their sense of values upon me again.

Riddle: You are always so irritating! Did I say something wrong?! You are an being inconvenient to everyone. You could have the decency to at least help prepare for the entrance ceremony…

Idia: Oof, there it is, the ultimate magic "Everyone"… Using peer pressure to erase the individual, being looked down upon by the common opinion so you can't see the truth. The youth of today that knows no autonomy, it's truly frightening, I sympathize with the future of Twisted Wonderland.

Riddle: Hn, Hngh…. You cannot even talk to someone's face… The only reason you can use these big words is because this door separates us! I always thought this, but a person like you who loves agitating others corrupts the public morals of this school. More than anything, you displease me. Now stop your fast-talking!

Idia: Huh, why are you the one blowing up in my face… scary… I don't understand what you're trying to accomplish…

Riddle: Hngh! I said it is because you displease me! An incompetent dorm leader like you should not command me around!

Idia: I have a reserved and restrained personality, unlike you attention seeker…

Riddle: … What did you just say?

Idia: Ack… A-Anyway, please leave me alone! I was doing fine like this even before you entered the school.

Riddle: I see, I see. So that's how it is. It must have been awfully easy, was it not? Then why don't you have Ortho Shroud do everything so you don't have to lift a finger!

Idia: Eh?

Riddle: You won't have to attend the meeting, you won't have to prepare for the ceremony, neither will you have to deal with the visitors, you can just leave everything to that robot. In any case, you had no intention of attending the entrance ceremony at all, right? Can it be that you were planning to leave the speech to him as well? How pathetic, being forced to work by the irresponsible dorm leader!

Idia: Huh? I never said I wasn't going to the entrance ceremony? Stop making assumptions? I'm going to this entrance ceremony!

Riddle: Perhaps you should stop bragging about common sense? It seems I have made a terrible fool of myself. Can I expect a moving speech from you?

Idia: Piece of cake.

Riddle: Hm. Then I shall grasp my handkerchief and look forward to it!

Idia: … … …Am I not the fool?! "I'm going to this entrance ceremony"…. I don't want to! I can't! Shitshitshitshit… what to do…

Chapter 2

Mirror Chamber The day of the entrance ceremony

Idia: I-I somehow made it to the mirrors… I can do this. I will do this. Using self-suggestion is important. … …Hn… A, Aah… I can't! It's too scary! If I enter everyone will stare at me anyway?! And then they'll start whispering about me! "Who's that?" "Does he not get burned by his hair?" "Isn't he from the cursed Shroud family…" "His anxiety might be contagious" and things like that… Or maybe they'll start poking me with a stick while saying that I'm gross for being blue all over…! I don't want that! Someone save me! …No this is useless. I should calm down at once. I want to go to a quiet place without people to cool my head… Ah, if Ortho was here, he could encourage me. Where did he go…

Courtyard

Idia: If only I didn’t fight with Riddle... And if I didn’t give Ortho false hope. What should I do now...

???: Is that Shroud I hear?

Idia: Hah?!

Malleus: So it is. How unusual.

Idia: M-Malleus…Why are you here?

Malleus: You mean since when? Hehe, I do not recollect seeing you since you became the dorm leader.

Idia: Malleus Draconia… The next ruler of the Valley of Thorns, the dorm leader of Diasomnia! Why is the Ultra SSR Character that is supposed to play the leading role in the ceremony here!?

Malleus: But to see you outside. What are you doing here?

Idia: Ah… I-I thought I would get some fresh air�� just like you.

Malleus: I see, just like me. I understand, you needed a distraction.

Idia: A distraction?_

Malleus: Hm? You want a distraction, right? Looking at the scenery, feeling the atmosphere. Thinking about whatever. Relaxing.

Idia: Relaxing!? I-I can’t get even more anxious!

Malleus: Is that so? Then you should enjoy yourself more.

Idia: Enjoy myself!? …That's where I and you differ.

Malleus: Hm? What do you mean?

Idia: A, Ah, no… It's nothing. … But… But I made a promise with Ortho. I would wear these clothes and come today. That's why… Aah, but it's too scary…!

Malleus: By the way, why are you wearing those clothes?

Idia: Huh?

Malleus: Hm?

Idia: Uhm. Do you mean… they don't fit me? I, I-I, I… look strange after all.

Malleus: Hm. It's not like they don't fit you… but I have my questions. Actually, if you say it's strange, it might be strange.

Idia: Urgh…

Malleus: First of all, why did you promise to "go out" like this? It doesn't seem like a big deal.

Idia: I-It might not be a big deal for you, but for me…!

Malleus: Humans are sometimes awfully inconceivable. Oh well, that's interesting about them.

Idia: Inconceivable…

Malleus: No, I didn't mean to make fun of you. I'm very interested.

Idia: So… it's like this after all huh, I see what you're getting at! So you think I'm not capable of donning these beautiful clothes and appearing before a lot of people! Isn't that what you wanted to get at from the start?_ No matter how much I struggle, it's already confirmed that I'm on the dark route towards multiple bad endings, so it's useless. I-I, I-I-I, I'm…I'm…!

Malleus: Shroud? What happened?

Idia:… Ugh, it's nothing! It doesn’t matter!

Malleus: And there he went. What an awfully strange man. To think he wore his ceremony robes for a simple stroll. … But it has been very noisy since this morning. I wonder if something is happening…

Mirror Chamber

Idia (Tablet): Students of Ignihyde, please gather here…

Riddle: Heh. He did not come even after I gave him a good scolding… he is incompetent, after all. I worry for the students that have a dorm leader this unreliable. They have my most sincere sympathies.

Vil: Hah… he did it.

Ignihyde Dorm - Idia's room

Idia: It seems that the outdoors has nothing but events that torment me…  I should just confine myself and shut out all those useless earthly sounds! From the start, I differed from people like Malleus and other humans who have something I don't. How could I ever forget that. 

Idia: … Hm? But isn't this great? I noticed I couldn’t do it, before I went and made an enormous embarrassment of myself in front of the students… 

Idia: I see… I'm sure Ortho didn't want to expose everyone to his big brother's shameful sight. This is the best! Why, am I simply not the best! Didn’t I just auto-play myself into the best route~ 

Idia: Ortho is probably fully enjoying the entrance ceremony by himself right now. He was looking so much forward to it, after all. This is the best. … It really is.

[thisdreamplace]

Can you help me please? I'm crying so hard right now, and feel like I have no one to vent to. So, I sent something about my SP recently. You said I should turn the focus to myself and so I did. Thing is I was feeling overwhelmed, and quite sad because uncertainty about how my SP was doing was killing me, especially because he said he was not feeling well. I clearly couldn't focus because I still am in that state of abandonment and uncertainty.

It has triggered many of my past traumas. I'm doing efforts to uplift myself everytime I need it, but yesterday I couldn't stop crying because of him, so I texted him asking if he was okay, he didn't answer obviously. Today I have been so anxious, and 3D is showing me so many happy couples, some of them are people I had the chance to date before my SP. All of them moved on so quickly and easily from me (that's how it makes me feel) and it feels so painful how it seems so easy for others and I don't know how to make it easy for myself. I wish I could also be over someone and immediately replace them.

Whenever I turn the focus to myself, I have feelings of wanting to drop my SP, which is not what I truly want. I want him to be with me. But I feel like dropping him would be so freeing and easy for my own health. At this point after begging for answers I feel very humilliated. I wish he could've at least tell me to stop bothering him. I want to move out of my country and start all over, tbh. Like if you saw that chat, you'd feel pity for me. I have had people acting with me how I am acting right now, and always thought: "wow, how desperate" and now I am the desperate one. But I didn't do it because I wanted attention, I kinda just wanted to tell him that I'm worried.

How can I deal with the uncertainty of this ghosting thing and stop putting the blame on myself (myself as a human, I am aware that I caused this through my consciousness) and my worth? Also, how to not hate him in the process? Because the more I uplift myself, the more I push myself towards isolation. It's like I am uplifting myself and at the same time isolating OMG that's exactly how I have been feeling. Like I don't want anyone to come close to me. I go on extreme hermit mode. I may need a psychologist 🤦‍♀️

Ps. I may have seemed very negative, but I actually feel like something beautiful will come out of the current situation I am going through. I know I will have grown in so many ways, and it makes me excited to see myself after all this. I just need to organize my mess. 💕

This ask really touched me. There's a part of me that has felt the exact way that you have felt, many times on this journey. Like truly, down to the every last word you shared. So in that way I want to say you are not alone in this. And it's okay how you're feeling.

This is really heavy, because it's one of those weird moments where you're being called to take even more responsibility for your life... when all you really want to do is break down and cry and know that person is in your life. So, it's best to just cry it out. Let every little thought come up and show itself. Let yourself feel that pain. It's okay. Things come up to the surface so they can be released. So that love can make more way into your life.

I know how it feels to feel so upset with yourself, because you want to move on easily like the rest of the world seems to do. Because other people seem to forget others so easily, and then there's you who can't give up that feeling of wanting to be with that person. That is seriously one of the heaviest feelings. I think it doesn't help that in this world, we are often met with so many ways to judge ourselves harshly. Especially when it comes to love. Like there's so many dating rules and silly games that are encouraged. Even in the manifestation world, there's tons of people who put down sp manifestations. And of course, as you said, you think people would pity you for the way your messages look. You admitted you've even pitied people. But here's the thing. The truth is, I wouldn't think lowly of you if I saw your chat. I wouldn't think you're a person who is so desperate. Because I know how this reality works. No one is out there ignoring you or ghosting you, it's merely a reflection of your inner world. No one ever wants to hurt you on their own. They are just reflecting your inner world. That's all. And I wouldn't shame you for wanting to be with that one specific person. Your desires a promise. Wanting that person is no different than someone who wants a specific job, or a specific house, or anything else specific. It's not right that we think love is something to look down upon, so I won't support that ideology. All of our desires are perfect and all of our desires are perfect for us. They're for us. Your ego may argue, but your Godself knows this is the pure truth.

Here's the thing. I know it's scary to focus on yourself. Truly, I get it fully. You said you feel as though you want to drop him entirely and that's okay. If your desires are a promise, what do you have to lose? Think about it seriously. He's not going anywhere. He's waiting on you! This goes for any desire. Has latching on so tightly helped you up to this point? Sometimes we have to be real with ourselves in this way. What do you have to lose anymore? Your desires are waiting on you to allow them in! And how do you do this? You focus on yourself more. No, this doesn't mean you can never think of him. Just make sure you're the priority. And I think I should explain this better. We're so alike it seems haha Because when you say how the more you focus on yourself, the more you want to shut yourself out. omg I have been in that state so many times. Where I just feel like becoming more closed off from the world. But see, that isn't the kind of focus I am meaning. This isn't about lifting yourself up in an egotistical way. It's the ego who's telling you to hide from the world. It's fear based. When I speak of uplifting yourself it's more about how you begin to build confidence and trust in yourself. Like in these moments, you're trusting this is all working out in your favor somehow. Even though you have no idea how that could be, you're trusting it's working perfectly. Your desires are a done deal. I see that you're already doing that, as you ended your ask mentioning it. So see? You're literally already on the right track!

Start practicing choosing love for yourself more often as well. Most of what you said is truly just judgments on yourself. When we come to the law, we are being asked to practice seeing life through the eye's of God (aka through the eyes of unconditional love). And that includes in how we see ourselves. If our desire is God given, there's nothing wrong with it or you at all. Everything is truly perfect.

Something that has helped me is building trust in myself but also in my desires. Because I know how this world is me pushed out. So therefore, the more I build trust in myself and in my desires, I am only building more and more trust in myself. It's really helped my confidence. Because my desires are just me anyway. I am trusting that my desires are mine. I trust in them. I trust that they will make their way to me, because I am meant for them. Speaking of everyone is you pushed out, I understand it's really difficult and heavy. But try to see your sp doing well. You don't need 3D validation to know how he's doing. You can see him doing well in your mind's eye, as consciousness is the only reality in the first place. The truth is, you have got to practice self-validation more. You don't need him to text you to know that he's in love with you and that he's safe. You get to decide that. You don't need the 3D to validate you, to become validated in how your desires are yours. You seriously get to decide that for yourself. You can validate yourself, right now. The very fact we desire something, is validation it's ours already.

I hope you find this helpful and I hope you begin feeling better soon! Not sure if you ever tried it, but Dylan James' suggestion to do a few 10 minutes meditations during the day as well as a to-do list are truly so helpful. To help you re-stabilize and get back on track when you're ready to. There's really nothing wrong with take some days off to cry and just let it all out when you need to. When you feel ready to get refocused, you'll be coming back stronger than ever. 💖

[spencers-dria]

Turn for the Better

Someone To Stay Ch. 1

Spencer x fem!reader

Spencer POV:

I open my eyes and glance around the room. It's darker than I remember. I must have fallen asleep reading on the couch again. I glance down and see a pile of books on the rug. Oh yeah...I only made it through about four books this time before I nodded off. I sigh in frustration that I'm awake. Might as well get up I suppose.

I wander into the kitchen and pull open the fridge only to be met with a jar of peanut butter, week old left overs, and a half empty jug of juice. Next.

I try again with the pantry. Almost completely bare. I guess this is what happens when you stop going to the grocery store. I settle on a cup of apple juice and a bag of chips... better than nothing right?

I slump back down onto the couch and pull my green wool blanket over me. As I stare up at my ceiling, as I begin to let my mind wander. But this was dangerous territory. I have to keep my mind occupied, I just have to. So I quickly sit back up and turn the TV to one of my favorite Dr. Who episodes. They say that anxious people re-watch the same shows because they find the familiarity comforting. I could definitely understand the feeling.

It was the weekend, which meant I wasn't called into work. Cases had been slow lately, as we spent quite a bit of time doing paperwork back at the office. Unfortunately for me, this meant less distractions. Distractions were good. Distractions were necessary. They are the only way I make it through the days anymore.

Things had finally returned to normal for me back at work. I was going into the field, and it felt like my coworkers were no longer tiptoeing around me. I hate when they do that, and it bothers me more than any amount of teasing ever could. I'm not so delicate, so easily breakable. Look at everything I have been through, everything I have endured. Yet here I am, still alive, still doing my job. I didn't need to be babied. So it was a relief when I felt the regular rapport I shared with my friends return. They had gone back to the sarcastic remarks and silly nicknames. I was grateful for it. They did, however, continue to check up on me. This was something that I did appreciate. They've seen me go down a dark road once before. I have no intentions of ever returning. I was stronger than that... I think. All I know is I have held on this long without resorting to any unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Coping mechanisms...oh how I wish I had something to make the healing process easier. Having a fairly empty social calendar left me alone often. Normally I would find comfort in the peace and quiet of my solitary apartment, but not quite so much lately. I couldn't very well make plans to go out, and I wouldn't even know how to begin to do that. Who would want to hang out with me right now anyways? I'd be a damper on the fun, and everyone knows it. That's probably why my friends stopped inviting me to the nights at the bar.

There I go again, letting my mind slip into a dark hole of anxiety. Its not a safe place to be. I quickly turn my attention back to the show in front of me, letting it drown out all other thoughts.

The ring of my phone quickly draws my attention away. Finally...another case! I jump up to answer, seeing the name on my screen: Derek Morgan. That's odd. Usually Hotch or Garcia call to notify us of a new case.

"Hello?" I answer, confusion lacing my voice.

"Pretty Boy! Buzz me up!"

Well now I'm even more confused. Derek never comes to my apartment. I quickly press the button letting him into the building and opening my apartment door, waiting for him to arrive.

As he comes up the stairs, he gives me a grin shouting, "Come on man! Get dressed. We're goin' out!"

I roll my eyes and retreat back into the apartment, Derek close behind me.

I sink back onto the couch, my eyes glued to the television as I tune him out.

"Aw c'mon. Don't be like that. How long have you been sitting there watching TV? Have you done anything else today, at all?"

I don't answer, I don't even look at him.

"Oh, let me guess. You've been reading all day, huh?"

"Wow, can't get anything past you huh?" I say dryly, regretting my tone as soon as the words left my mouth.

"Alright that it. You've been cooped up in here too long. Like I said before, we're going out. And I'm not taking no for an answer" he says sternly, raising an eyebrow at me.

I finally look up at him as I roll my eyes.

"You know I can kick your ass right?" Derek smirks.

"Fine" I concede. "Well...where are we going? I don't know what to wear unless you tell me what our plans are."

"Don't pretend you don't wear the same fancy button ups no matter where you end up going."

I let out a small laugh...he's got me there.

"Dinner at Rossi's. I know pretty boys are high maintenance but, hurry up or you'll make us late!" I smile at the nickname. Same old Derek.

Y/N POV:

You let out a sigh of relief as you watched your coworker approach you, ready to receive report. It had been a particularly busy shift, and you were ready to get some much-needed rest. You walked to each patient room, giving Clementine summary of the day and the latest updates on labs and vital signs. You stepped into each room with her, checking one last time to make sure each of your patients was doing well and didn't need anything else before you left. Normally you and Clem would spend some time catching up and making jokes, but she could tell you were tired and needed to be home more than anything. You wished her good luck on her shift as you made your way to the break room. After putting away your stethoscope and the large collection of pens, pencils, and markers you kept in your pockets, you finally headed towards the elevator to leave for the day.

You opened the door to your apartment to be greeted by your dog, Juneau. She was a rescue you adopted a few months back. She still needed to make progress, but she had really warmed up to you and your friends and seemed much more comfortable in her new home. After feeding her dinner and taking her for a short walk, you heated up a quick frozen dinner and sunk into your couch.  Curling up in your blanket, you spent a few minutes browsing through different streaming services only to land on The Office, as usual.  Your mind drifts to what your next few days might consist off. You just so happened to land 4 days off in a row, but you had no idea how you would spend your time. You glanced down at your phone as it lit up.  It was your Uncle Will.

"Hey, whats up!" you chimed, glad to hear from your favorite uncle.

"Hey, (Y/N). I'm actually calling to invite you to a dinner some friends of mine are having tomorrow night. I know your schedule is real busy. But I haven't seen you much since you moved up here to Virginia! I know you haven't met many people here yet, but I think I can help you make a start. "

The kind gesture made you smile. You had always been fairly close with your father's side of the family. He had grown up in Louisiana and met your mother at a college in Texas. You spent your childhood in Houston but frequently visited the Cajun half of your family. Uncle Will had moved away once he fell in love with Jenifer Jareau, his now wife, and you hadn't seem much of him the past few years. But as luck would have it, your nursing career had lead you to a hospital in Fredericksburg, VA. You felt extremely lucky to have family nearby, or else you would have been completely alone. But sometimes you still felt that way, which is why you were so grateful for his offer.

"That actually sounds great! I am off for the next four days, and I didn't really have anything planned. Who will I be meeting at this dinner?"

"Well it's some of JJ's coworkers. They're like a second family to us, and I know they'll be just as welcoming to you. I already told them you moved up here, and they've been begging to meet you."

"Aww I can't wait to see Aunt JJ and my sweet little cousin, Henry! Its been so long since I came to visit you guys. I think Henry was barely two years old the last time I saw him."

"Well we all hope to see you a lot more now that you're here. You're like a daughter to us, Y/N. You are welcome to visit any time you like. I know nursing is a stressful job, and it can take a toll. Its important to have family and friends around you when things get tough." You could hear that this was a genuine offer and you fully planned to take him up on it in the future. Being alone in a new state was taking its toll.

"So where and when should I plan to meet for dinner?"

"I'll text you the address real quick. Everyone is planning to meet around 6. It shouldn't be too far of a drive. It's one of JJ's coworker's houses. David Rossi. He's a real easygoing guy, and he loves cooking for everyone. He loves meeting new people even more, so you should feel right at home!"

"Sounds like a fun time. Thank you again for thinking to invite me. I'm really looking forward to it!"

"Alright boo, talk to you later."

You smiled at the pet name used by the entire Louisiana side of your family. I guess the north had yet to steal his southern roots. You hung up the phone. You finally had plans. It would be nice to talk to someone who wasn't a coworker.  It would also be your first excuse to dress up since moving and starting your new job. Too excited to wait, you jumped up from the couch and began to rifle through your closet for something to wear. You didn't want to be too over or underdressed. You grabbed a black spaghetti strap fit and flare dress and throw it on with some black panty hose, a lightweight maroon cardigan, and some black heels. You snapped a quick photo in the mirror and shoot a text to Aunt JJ.

Y/N: Apparently I'm joining y'all for dinner tomorrow night...is this too much???

Aunt JJ: I heard! I can't wait!

And oh my goodness, no! You look gorgeous! It will be perfect.

Also...Henry is so excited to see you!

You smiled, more confident in your choice. Aunt JJ had great taste. You had only had the chance to meet her in person a couple times, but the two of you had clicked right away and stayed in touch over text and Facetime. Sometimes she felt more like the sister you never had.

Starting to feel the effects of your particularly difficult shift, you start to get ready for bed. You wanted to be well rested for tomorrow. You say goodnight to Juneau and crawl into bed, snuggled under all the blankets. You fall asleep with a smile on your face, with the feeling that things in your life are about to take a turn for the better. You couldn't explain it...but somehow you just knew.

[rpbetter]

You make some really good posts!! Can I ask something about DNIs? I know it's not directly RP-related, but I have trouble as an RPer with how many DNIs, with urls, there are now. I try not to interact with muns who have them, I block them, because it feels manipulative? But I'm also tempted to block people who follow those muns, because they probably think their DNIs are okay to have, so they're still "bad", just not as bad? Do you think that's overkill, am I shooting myself in the foot?

Oh, thank you! I'm very happy you've enjoyed them!

And, of course, ask anything at all!

I think, ultimately, the answer to whether that's overkill is entirely dependent on what your experience is and if you're happy with it. I don't think it is overkill at all, but if you feel like it is costing you too many mutuals, it might be overkill for you.

I'm a pretty insular RPer, I like a handful of close writing partners that I write a lot of threads with, so, having something like, under ten writing partners is great for me while it's miserable for other muns. I can go wild on blocking and not have it negatively impact my enjoyment, but I know that's not the case for everyone!

And I do, actually, I do go pretty wild with the blocking when it comes to things like DNIs. If it comes off as policing to me, not just something like a difference of opinion or a strong opinion on something, I'm going to block. Otherwise, it's just recognizing that this isn't a mun I'm going to work out with, but no hard feelings. With policing though...I don't want that anywhere near me or my mutuals, so, it's going to be a block.

Because they do tend to be in these odd, like, nested situations lol I totally will spend the effort if their DNI is bad enough to look at the muns they interact with and make sure I don't have future contact with them either. The RPC is such a big place, making it easier to forget URLs than to remember them, but it's also a place where we establish circles of contact, making it easier to run into the same group repeatedly. I feel like it's better for my peace of mind to be a little more certain than not at all that this isn't going to happen as easily.

If that DNI etc. has been so awful, I definitely don't require their mutuals professing the same beliefs as loudly as they are. If you interact with someone, maybe you don't know their pet fish's name or the obscure lore in a headcanon they posted five years ago or the rule they updated without telling anyone, but you do know what is on their pinned post or blog description or rules. At some point, we all visit each other's blogs in dash-view if nothing else when we're getting replies or checking for memes they might have posted, going through their tags, whatever. I do not believe that you're mutuals who reblog from each other often, reply frequently to each other, ship each other's muses and so forth, and all this time, you've somehow failed to notice your bestie mun is telling proshippers to die in their DNI lmao

No, you've seen it. And I find it extremely hard to believe, too, that it's never come up in conversation OOC either.

So, this hypothetical mutual is so oblivious to others, completely agrees with the other one's views while not feeling confident enough to share them publicly, or is scared enough of the other one that they won't disagree...and no matter which/which combination that might be, they're not a mutual I want.

Especially when it comes to a DNI with someone's URL in it. Hard pass on anyone who is okay with that!

If I visited a writing partner's blog, let's say this person is also my closest friend, I value them and the threads I have with them so much, and I saw that in their DNI they had dropped someone's URL? We would have to talk. I'd have to bring it up because it's the right thing to do (and would also be highly out of character for any of my friends, thus very concerning). There would have to be a question posed about what happened here, why did you feel like this was a good choice, and do you think it's increasing or lessening the problem to have that there?

Honestly, sometimes people do get so upset about something that has happened that their worst impulses are let loose freely. When you ask someone you have an established relationship with about that, unless you're being really hateful about it right off, it can help them settle down, take a step back, and see that this is maybe not the right action to take. To me, silence says you're okay with it.

When muns started putting more elaborate DNI's in, that alone rubbed me the wrong way because I genuinely do not think that the majority of that information is at all necessary. It's something I can see and fully understand minors doing, not because they're terrible or anything but because the impulses and rationale are just different. You're very much geared to be as loud as possible about things that are important to you, making them a part of you in a huge way, as a teenager. Shit just is unreasonably intense! But as an adult, I expect that behavior to be different. You don't actually need to say on your RP blog's DNI that "transphobes WILL be blocked!!!"

Well, yes, I should hope so lol we're a community filled with muns who are trans, I'd certainly hope you were not cool with that kind of thing. It's one of those assumptive states, it goes without saying because, in a group of legitimate adults, it literally doesn't have to be said that a trans mun in a group of trans muns in a RPC filled with trans muns would be intolerant of transphobic assholes.

And, no one likes a damn transphobe, it's not like this stunning, fresh information, here. Not making such a statement does not, in fact, act as a welcome.

Saying that, and I do not mean literally just that, it's just an example of the type of things found in a common DNI, is a little immature for me. Some of those things are, in addition to being purely self-validating: playing into the fear created by policing, virtue signaling, policing, or baiting. And all of them are pointless. Telling someone who would already be bigoted toward you and others to not interact if they somehow miraculously ID as whatever label that takes for them to not interact with your posts is waving a metaphoric red flag in front of a bull. Kind of like tagging a post as either "antis don't interact" or "proshippers don't interact." Actual quickest and most assured way to get that interaction!

I totally understand the age thing, it's self-protecting. Most people do respect it, but when they don't, you've clearly stated that this is not for whatever age group. Things pertaining to your writing and/or muse I also understand and think are great for a quick glance before someone even gets to the rules. Having in a DNI something like "muns who are easily triggered by gore" when you write a horror muse, for instance. You're advising them that this isn't a great idea for them, and it shouldn't be expected that you change your muse and topics because they decided to follow anyway.

But it became excessive very quickly, and there is the expectation that blogs have a DNI. The further expectation is that there be a specific list of things found in that DNI, if yours does not include it, you obviously don't have a problem with those things. I really cannot be okay with that, you know?

However, when it wasn't being used as a callout or a way to police, that was something that could just be ignored. Once URLs of other RPers started to appear, it was a whole other problem.

It used to be the pervading rule of the RPC that it is not alright to force other muns to chose between you and another mun that you had an issue with, but now we have DNIs with other muns' URLs in them. Now, it's the opposite take - if you have an issue with a URL being dropped in a DNI, or if you continue to interact with the mun, you're likely to get a callout or be on the receiving end of other bullying.

So, I very much think the self-insulating thing to do is to avoid those mutuals as well as the RPer with the URL-laden DNI. They could just block you, but is someone who was so juvenile as to put another mun's URL in their damn DNI going to be mature enough to do that? Will their friends once they complain about you? For me, it's too high of a risk of being around muns I wish would take a very long break from RP and only come back once they've grown up some.

I would never advise anyone to do something that is erring on the side of getting them into harassment water unnecessarily (as in, not something that pertains to digging in your heels and writing what you want or not tolerating bullying where you see it happening), and I feel like not doing what you are is that. However, I also am a firm believer in agency, even to make mistakes.

So, if you genuinely feel like blocking mutuals of someone with a URL-dropped/callout/other highly offensive and bullying thing in their DNI is costing you so many chances to RP that you're no longer enjoying yourself here? You might want to consider adjusting how widely you are blocking.

If that's the case, try going for mutuals who are what I call Casual Mutuals and leaving them open. Those are mutuals that the mun doesn't write with often or at all, they're technically mutuals because they both follow each other, but that's it. There might be some liking of posts or even comments or non-committal, OOC style memes sent in by Casual Mutuals, but that interaction is sparse and, yep, casual. These mutuals might legitimately be unaware of the mun's hateful, bullying bullshit in the DNI, or they are actually afraid to unfollow/block them at this point, so their option feels like staying around as quietly as possible.

With that last deal...you could even be doing someone a favor, Anon. When I've encountered that situation before, it's come about because the other person's Casual Mutual is painfully anxious, shy, and a previous victim of bullying. They feel isolated, they don't have many or any writing partners, and they really, truly, are terrified to distance themselves in a way that might be noticed. It's a type of toxic interaction that rarely gets mentioned in PSAs, presumably because it is so low on the actual interaction scale.

Giving them someone else in their corner, especially if that other mun is more open about their intolerant stance on bullying, can go a long way toward giving someone else confidence. I've had other people's Casual Mutuals become my Casual Mutuals and wouldn't you know it? After a while, they get braver. They see my friends and mutuals doing our thing without any of the bullying going on, they see us supporting anti-policing and not tolerating bullying, and they get brave enough to unfollow the hateful mun. It feels nice to even inadvertently help someone, and over the years, some of those Casual Mutuals have become great writing partners, too. People I would have missed if I had made the choice to block them by the association of a hateful mun they were trapped in the orbit of.

Just try to exercise caution! You seem like a reasonable person who doesn't mind truly thinking on things or doing the work required to be cautious. Assume the close mutuals are a problem, too, and block away. Build a wall with some razor wire on it with those blocks! Don't assume the low-interaction, very casual mutuals are, though. Check out their blogs for signs of agreement with Hateful Mun, and if they don't have any, give them a shot as far as just leaving them unblocked goes.

I also have to say, here at the end, that it's extremely nice to see that people out there are doing this. Honestly would have thought I'd be the last person to encourage a ton of blocking, but that's the environment of the RPC now, and it's really the only way we can deal with this issue. You can't reason with these people, you can't stop them, you can only stay away from them for your own good and send a message that this isn't benefiting them. Not everyone agrees with them, they're not going to keep having people left open for their attacks or their RP entertainment. And if enough people are just walling them off, that is a message they'll have to receive because RP runs on interaction with others.

They might think they want every "nasty ass" xyz Problematic RPer to block them, not interact, or vanish from their view of the RPC, but I don't think they realize what that really looks like. What it looks like is a huge percentage of the RPC missing, including people they didn't realize were "problematic." We tend to be quieter, wanting to stay in our own lanes and actually enjoy the hobby and each other. That's why they have to resort to shit like making everyone pre-guilty, or setting up traps to catch people out on being "gross."

So, I genuinely do not think they're prepared for the rude awakening of silence that would happen if we all actually vanished, but I am dying to see it lol and do sometimes have to wonder if the complaints about the RPC being dead/dying/empty, not in a fandom but overall, are coming from the purity police some of the time. It's quite active over on the Leave Folks Alone Over Fiction side of life :D

[rant-2-me]

My mental state has just worsened over the days, though I'm not sure why, and I just feel so unmotivated and lacking any energy to practice any self care other than napping, and also feel anxious because I'm not studying enough.. feel like I'm just 1/4th assing my responsibilities.. And when someone asks me how I'm doing, sometimes I blurt out that I'm not fine, and the guilt I feel afterwards for making them worry, so I find myself withdrawing from initiating conversation with them, even though I really want to, and this makes them worry about me more.. I just don't know anything anymore, everything feels too much, yet I can't rant in a clear conscience without feeling guilty for bothering them, and thinking how I don't deserve to complain because they have had so much worse (yes I know pain is relative, but I feel so horrible, like a whiny child, who doesn't know how to be content with her blessings)......

Sorry I know it's a lot.. feel free to delete it if it's triggering or making you uncomfortable in any way... I just needed to get it out..

My lovely nonnie, im so, so glad you sent this ask. and got it all out of your system. yeah this sounds cheesy but like ive been there, with not knowing how to reach out—im proud you had the courage to send this ask. girlboss vibes.

also this ask took a while to answer and im so so sorry about that, but I didnt want to do anything less than the best for you, so let's just jump right in <[:)

Lacking motivation, god I've been there, but doing self care is super super important so here is a how-to, hon.

How to do selfcare when you’re not motivated to:

1. Be a little “gross.”

Gross is in quotes because it’s so subjective, but you undoubtedly have a few behaviors you consider kind of gross regardless. Now’s the time to do them without judgment. For me, that’s meant showering less, eating weird food combos (sometimes in bed), and letting my brows and mustache grow magnificently unruly. For you, it could mean doing something you normally judge yourself for or cutting back on activities you only do for the benefit of others. Now is not the time to allow “socially acceptable” behaviors to rule you.

2. Eat whatever the hell you want.

This should be a rule always, but I’m not going to pretend there aren’t societal, social, and personal pressures that go into why we eat what we eat. Try to shut down the voice that judges or polices what you’re eating right now. We’re in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. If dinner has to be some slices of cheese and deli meat eaten in front of the open fridge, so be it. If you have a lot of cravings and are snacking more than you normally would, cool. If pre-pandemic you decided you were going to stick to a certain meal plan and it’s just not happening anymore? Don’t beat yourself up.

Yes, what we eat is connected to our mental health, and I don’t want to discount that—but if the stress of eating healthfully is making you feel like crap anyway, whether that’s because you can’t fathom cooking or don’t have the means to shop for certain foods during isolation, just eat the sleeve of Oreos and try again another day. It’s okay.

3. And wear whatever you want.

Or, more realistically, wear whatever you can. Even if it means wearing the same ratty sweatpants for a whole week. Or month. Maybe you started all this out aspiring to get dressed every day to work from home productively, or maybe you have a whole collection of comfortable loungewear you feel guilty for not utilizing. Whatever arbitrary rules and expectations you’ve set for yourself, you can throw them out.

On the other hand, maybe you need to quiet the voice that tells you there’s no point in getting dressed or feeling presentable. If it helps, by all means, play with your look, wear awesome or weird outfits, do your hair and makeup or whatever activity might feel a little silly given your current reality. In the middle of a pandemic, nothing is a waste of time if it makes you feel good.

4. Use shortcuts to avoid creating chores.

In my first week or so of working entirely from home, I was baffled by just how messy my apartment got. How on earth were so many messes piling up when I wasn’t even doing anything but working, sleeping, and eating? I hadn’t realized it, but a lot of my small tidying routines had become casualties to the pandemic. And, it turns out, slacking on the little ways I pick up after myself every day (such as doing the dishes right after I use them) added up quickly.

Instead of forcing myself to stick to the same levels of tidiness that I used to maintain, I’ve found shortcuts. For example, I use paper plates and plastic cutlery when I feel too fatigued to wash dishes so they don’t sit in the sink for days on end. Or I stick to the same two “outfits” to avoid clothes piling up when I’m too depressed to put them away every day. If you can find a small way to go easy on yourself, even if it feels a little wasteful or indulgent or gross, it’s okay to tap into those shortcuts right now.

5. Be kind to yourself if your place is messy or dirty.

I won’t lie: I’m someone whose space impacts my mental health a lot. Typically, keeping my apartment clean helps keep my mental health in check and letting my apartment get gross makes me feel worse. That’s still true in a lot of ways, but to adapt I’ve been trying to be mindful and accepting of where I’m at. And it’s…helped?

It turns out that taking the pressure off does a lot to mitigate the guilt and some of the other negative mental health effects I usually experience. In practice, it involves a lot of talking to myself. Instead of seeing my apartment turning into a depression cave and immediately thinking, “Oh, God, I need to clean up, this is so disgusting, I’m a monster for living like this, of course I feel depressed,” I go for kindness. I think (or even say out loud because, well, desperate times), “Of course my apartment is a mess right now. I’ll get to it when I get to it. I can handle the mess for now.”

6. Accept your new sleep schedule.

idk anyone whose sleep hasn’t been screwed in some way by all of this. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, pent-up energy from sheltering in place, tech use, new work responsibilities, screwy schedules…pretty much every aspect of our new reality can impact our sleep. Some people are sleeping a lot more, some are sleeping a lot less, and some are cycling through both extremes. Oh, and the temptation of naps! It’s all there.

Trying to maintain a healthy sleep schedule during all of this is a worthy endeavor—and more power to you if you’ve figured out how—but there’s a good chance that it feels impossible.

By “accepting” your new sleep schedule, I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t suck; I mean doing what you can to be gentle on yourself about it. For me, acceptance has looked like watching some comfort tv and reading my favourite books at 2 a.m. instead of staying in bed and anxiety-spiraling about how I can’t sleep. Is it ideal? No way. But I’m not going to waste energy stressing about something I currently can’t control.

7. Give yourself plenty of room to do absolutely nothing.

I’ve given myself permission to do a whole lot of nothing. That includes getting rid of the pressure to be productive and practice self-care, yes, but in a broader sense, it also means not forcing myself to actively “adjust” every day.

Some days, I just need to do nothing but feel my feelings. Or avoid feeling my feelings. Or stare at the ceiling. Give yourself space to do (or not do) whatever you need to.

also, nonnie? my love?

Never feel guilty about telling someone who cares about you when you don’t feel okay.

People who genuinely care about you—and I’m sure they are many—will care if you aren’t feeling good, there are always going to be people who care about you, who want you to be okay, that’s why they ask, why people make rant, why “how are you?” is such a common question.

But if you do need to talk, but you feel like you’ll “burden” people who you do talk to, here’s a guide to ranting.

Guide to ranting:

1. Pick the right person. Someone who’s in the right headspace to listen to you, you could also pick someone who cares about you—if you’re anxiety tells you nobody cares about you, pick someone who “should” care about you in your relationship, e.g: a friend you’ve had for a long time, a friend who’s told a few of their problems, or friend you might not feel close with, but seems very kindhearted and a good listener.

2. Pick the right time to talk to them, so you can have their undivided attention. If they are busy—as most people will be with something—they’ll have a hard time giving you good advice and listening to you. Ask them when they are free, and then ask them:

3. “hey, can we talk? I’m not mad or you or anything, it’s just that I have been not feeling great, and I just want to rant to someone about it.” and “No pressure to say yes, you might have your own stuff to do deal with.” to make sure they are the right person to talk to.

4. It’s ok to test the waters. Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.

5. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longerterm reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.

6. Look for ways to take action. Don’t get me wrong, ranting can be amazing for you, but on its own may not solve your problem.

But maybe venting to people isn’t for you. No matter! There are other ways to get out emotions:

Ways to rant without talking to anyone

1. Cry it out— simple and rewarding. When the baggage is just too heavy to carry cry it out. It can help you ease the pressure and ease your mind to think straight after days of holding that frustration in.

2. Work out — easy and fun. tire yourself out and release all the frustration in working out! This is going to be so satisfying for you as you try and punch, kick, balance, lift, and breathe those frustrations away.

3. Clean & rearrange — practical and can be fun. we get frustrated by so many things and one thing that can truly help clear our minds is to have a clean place where we can stay and live for the moment to breathe. Clean your room, rearrange your things and you’ll be surprised by the satisfaction this brings — a signal of a new beginning.

4. Scribble — simple and fun. Make scribbles, doodles, drawings, take a pen or a pencil, and let go. It does not have to be “good” art or professional at all. Just draw whatever comes to heart, sunflowers or clouds or rainbows—anything.

5. Write it down — fun and simple. Let those words out of your head and just live in the moment.

How to fight the lack of motivation.

1. Don't fight the lack of motivation.

If you feel down or unable to muster tons of energy, let it be ok. Be easy on yourself and acknowledge that it's ok to have a dip, especially at this time of the year.

2. Once you have accepted your slump, get to the bottom of it.

Ask yourself, "What is the root cause of this sluggish feeling?" Go deeper than the obvious reasons. Is it related to work? Your personal life? Relationships? It might also just be the weather. Get clear on what areas of your life you're feeling the most resistance.

3. Dig into that area. What is not ideal about this aspect of your life? What would make it better?

Make a list of how you'd like your current situation to improve--and be specific. If you truly can't find a reason to be less than enthusiastic, then accept your feelings and let them pass with time.

4. Take your list of what is missing and go through it.

What is holding you back from being able to create the things that are missing in your life?

5. Get support for creating the life you want.

Do some research and find an expert to help you. Even though they love you, friends and family aren't objective enough, and they tend to give advice that is a reflection of their own life and insecurities.

6. Think of current habits that are contributing to a less-than-ideal life.

Maybe it's fear, laziness, or not having enough confidence. Pick one to focus on.

7. Address this habit over the next 2 months.

They say it takes 28 days to create a new habit, but this varies from person to person. If you focus on it for two months, you are sure to build the neural pathways needed to call it a new way of being.

8. Buy a book, read articles or do some research on this particular behavior or feeling.

Read about the common causes of this habit as well as the proven ways to bust through and work around it.

9. Create a plan around shifting your current habit.

Make sure that changing this habit ultimately helps you move forward in the area of your life that is not ideal. The energy from clarity, awareness and then action will immediately get you feeling more motivated, no matter what.

10. When all else fails: make a list of activities that excite you, and do one of them right now.

Talk to a fun friend, dance around at home, workout, watch a funny YouTube video, tackle something on your to-do list. Accomplishing something will give you a hit of dopamine in your brain. If you're too overwhelmed by your day, sit for five minutes and meditate. Put on some soothing music and breathe.

okay, that's all nonnie, I hope you feel the lust for life in your lungs, please have all my love, i hope this helped, this ask took a while, but it was worth if it helps

and if you need to dont worry to send another ask, if you like spam the inbox!! queen!!!

take care, much love my sweet honey, bye <3

—*putting daisies in your hair as they leave* mod peppermint <[:)

[inkykeiji]

hi clari!!! it's 🐛!! just popping in to say i'm proud of you, for all the good you do and for the joy you bring to folks <3 brightening days everyday 💕!!! i wanted to ask as well... do you ever struggle with burnout? either socially or with writing. you do so much, i end up wondering if you're a bit winded by the end of the day 😅

aaaah caterpillar bb hello!!! (okay like apple tells me that that is a ‘bug’ emoji but it looks a heck of a lot like a caterpillar to me, what do u think???) but eeeee thank u so much sweetpea 🥺🥺 okay okay i’m gonna answer this under the cut!! <33 tw clari overshares juuuuust a lil <3 uuuuh beware my answer is LONG AS HECK i’m so sorry aaah

FIRST OFF excuse me for being extra sappy but i can’t even begin to tell you how warm n fuzzy i feel when someone tells me that my blog has become a safe space for them, or that my writing has brought them a bit of enjoyment or has been a good temporary distraction etc etc. i’m always so honoured and it truly makes me so so happy that people are able to find comfort or fun here <33 you all brighten my day, everyday, too <33333

YES!! more often with social stuff than with writing—i am the textbook definition of an introvert ehehe and i get drained by social situations, especially social situations in real life, very, very easily and very quickly. it’s a little different online, though it definitely still happens, but i think at least when it comes to answering asks it isn’t nearly as bad because i’m entirely in control of the situation, if that makes sense? i can decide who to answer first, when to answer them, and how frequently i answer. i can also take a step back if i need to! it isn’t the same as being at like, a social gathering ie a family event—i often can’t just fuck off when i begin feeling drained or stressed or anxious at a family event lmaoooooooo although sometimes i wish i could one half of my family doesn’t really understand what social burnout is or what it feels like to be an introvert, because they’re all extroverts. which is fine, and i love them, but it definitely gets a lil stressful sometimes!!

usually after big family gatherings (especially holidays!) i have to take a day or so just to kinda be alone and recharge ehehe that sounds depressing but i promise it isn’t!! anyway, as much as i love and miss my family’s massive and extremely chaotic christmas, it was so nice this year just to spend it at home helping my mom make good food n just relaxing 😌

going back to online stuff: i genuinely enjoy hanging out with you all and just chatting n whatever; it’s the highlight of my day!!! so i really look forward to it, even if it takes me a bit of time to get around to everyone 🥰 but yeah i think that’s the biggest factor, like that i have complete control over the situation online—i can just step back if i need to and take a break (same with discord!)

but it definitely does happen with writing too!! i think i’ve built up quite a tolerance to it, though. like i write everyday, right? that’s just a habit now and it’s something i do because i enjoy it and because constantly improving my skills is really important to me! i also wrote sooooooo much for university, so i think that (and the fact that writing is a coping mechanism for me) plays a factor in it too. but yeah, it still happens ofc especially if i’m stretching myself a lil too thin!! like in december, i wrote the touya-nii christmas series, the lil bmb christmas oneshot, the hawks piece for anon, and two other pieces for gifts as friends. so by the end of december i was very exhausted hahahaha but it was still a lot of fun!!

SO my goodness to answer your question, i do, but i definitely don’t feel exhausted or burnt out from just coming on here and chillin with you all <333

[whoaffle]

I love your comics but I feel like you're portraying Rose like some sort of joke. I and a lot of other people who love Rose HC him with anxiety and its really insulting the way you're making him act. Idk maybe you don't HC him the same way but seeing you take Cyrus' depression so seriously and then treating Rose like he's some sort of idiot really stings. Or maybe I'm projecting too much. I'm sorry if this upsets you and you don't have to pay it any mind if you don't want to.

Heya! I’m really sorry that you feel this away about our Rose. First of all, I have to say that I don’t headcanon Rose with anxiety or any other sort of mental issues (like I do with Cyrus), which is why I feel comfortable with portraying him the way I do. In fact, I myself have anxiety (besides depression) and I know just how serious it is, so I wouldn’t want to joke with that. I’m sorry if the way I portray Rose felt insulting, it wasn’t the intention. I’ll try to explain the logic behind our characters, including Rose.

The thing with my comics is that it’s a comedy thing, even though I do take some aspects of it very seriously, so all characters are somewhat treated as “jokes”. Usually the way we make comedy involves working around the characters’ flaws in a way to make them somewhat funny, but keeping the characters likeable and relatable. Each of them has strong “flaws”, and by that I mean characteristics that cause them to generate conflict, even if they are not necessarily “flaws” as in “inherently bad”:

Giovanni is very easily-stressed, he has little patience. He has some family issues too, but we try to play on those carefully. Maxie is very anxious, and has a strong need to be in control of everything because he is very insecure - and that part of him is partially inspired in myself, I have to say. Archie is dumb, like... the one character that is just very dumb in a way that people usually aren’t - but he has lots of positive traits to compensate that. Cyrus has extremely poor social skills, he is very rude and a perfectionist too. Ghetsis is... oof. Ghetsis is kind of the ‘bad example’ character, besides being stressed all the time and sadistic, he is also homophobic, intolerant, violent, etc, etc... In fact, if anyone in my comics is treated kind of unfairly, I suppose that’s Ghetsis... But I intend on giving him some long-term character development, as well as with most characters. Lysandre is super selfish and has no common sense, Guzma is very lazy and a big liar, Lusamine is sometimes creepy and childish... And, well, the “flaws” we gave Piers and Rose are: Piers has self-esteem issues and is very likely to self-depreciate, while Rose is super hasty because he’s always trying too much to help but usually acts before thinking.

All of these traits are like... traits that many people have in their lives, and our intentions are not to make fun of actual people who have these traits - just use them as a tool to make comedy: in order to make it funnier in the comics, we exaggerate them and make them absurd (in a way that most people don’t behave on a daily basis). We like to work with comedy based on absurdity. So the characters behave in such an unlikely way that it turns out as funny. Of course that the absurd can be used the other way round to show tragedy too, you can feel sorry for a character that acts in an absurd way, you can show people being absurdly unfair towards others and that will make the reader feel sad and angry and frustrated...  It all depends on how the narrative works, how things are shown and, specially, how bad the consequences of the absurd actions are. We try to keep things light and funny most of the time, but we understand that humor is a delicate subject, and sometimes it may have an undesired negative effect on people... It has happened before with our Happy Cyrus series, I actually think nowadays that I should have finished that series in a different way, but either way it’s never our intention to make people feel bad. I apologize if that happened to you with our Rose as well.

What we plan to do with Rose is making him “absurdly” hasty (even if he has the best of intentions). He is definitely NOT dumb, though - this is something we have already discussed (me and my siblings). I don’t think Rose is stupid at all, he is actually a very intelligent man when he thinks carefully about things (after all, he is a super successful CEO). The thing is: he often does things before thinking. If I was writing non-comedy or partial-comedy, I would not exaggerate him the way we do in the comics... I’d treat him hastiness more seriously and try to come up with more complex thoughts and feelings behind his actions. But to create the comic effect, we exaggerate all characters to the “absurd” level (as I said), and that’s why Rose acts the way he does for now. This is not only about Rose, we just haven’t had the chance to show his other sides yet. (Trust me, you’ll see Archie doing some really absurd things very soon... And Lysandre as well. In future comics, Guzma too will do very absurd things too... Ghetsis has been doing absurd things since the beginning, and Lusamine does them often as well... etc).

Anyway, there’s also this kind of “balance” between absurd and “relatableness” that we try to keep in the comics, so... while all characters have some trait that is enhanced to an absurd level, we usually alternate which of them is being used as “comic” and which is being used as the “contrast” - that is... Rose breaking the table and Giovanni yelling at him - Rose is being comic, doing something absurd, while Giovanni is the contrast - the character we relate to, that reacts to the absurdity of the situation. However, we can also have: Giovanni yelling at the computer because he doesn’t know how to close the browser window and having a huge fit and Rose telling him the computer can’t understand his screams then offering help - In that situation, Giovanni is the “comic” one - his flaw is the one amplified - and Rose takes the role of “contrast character”. Some characters tend to be contrast more often: usually Maxie, Cyrus, Piers, N and sometimes Guzma and Giovanni; while others are more likely to be comic, such as Archie, Ghetsis, Rose, Colress, Lusamine and Lysandre, but we do have situations in which Maxie or Cyrus are the comic characters and someone like Archie or Colress will work as the contrast. It all depends on the dynamics. Sometimes all characters are being absurd and it’s up the the reader being the contrast, even.

But anyway!!! I kinda took this further than I wanted! (Sorry, I studied Language Arts and I like talking about this kind of stuff). What I think has to be clarified here is: we definitely don’t headcanon Rose with anxiety and the kind of thing he is doing is not meant to be a portrayal of a person with anxiety. Quite the opposite actually: he is a super carefree character in our headcanon, who always believes things will be all right and is almost always OK with everything. He is always trying to help others and that desire to be the one who will solve the problem is what leads him to making hasty choices very often. Also, we will most likely give Rose some more “serious” character arcs, like we want to do with the others, so he will definitely have the opportunity to shine and show his good traits as well. He is very humble, he is generous, he avoids conflict, he is intelligent and creative, he likes to make people smile... He has good things in him, and we want to show them with time, just like we would like to do with all characters.

I hope this explanation makes you feel better about this whole thing. We’ll be careful not to turn Rose into a flat character with only jokes to him... It’s not our intentions, and we want to make him a complex character like the others.

It makes me sad that my comics have hurt you and other fans of Rose, because our intention is to make people smile with them, so I hope you understand what we are trying to do and accept my apologies. I love Rose as much as I love my other characters, and I think the only reason why I am so attached to Cyrus and talk so much about his depression is because I have the same problem and it’s always something that’s coming back to me at times, even more than my anxiety... I sometimes use Cyrus as some kind of “vault character”.

Also glad you like my comics even though you had some stuff to criticize! Thanks a lot for the feedback! :)

[a-leo-mbebe]

Trigger warning:

Please do not read if mention of cancer, death, depression and anxiety are sensitive topics.

Hi, hello!!

Not that anyone noticed (but if you did, thanks, you're the MVP), I've been M.I.A for the past 2/3 months (maybe more...).

But here's why. Since the second week of January and to be very particular, since the 9th of January, my life went tits up.

Let's dive in, shall we?

Once again, if mentions of depression, anxiety, grief and death could trigger you, you still have time to exit.

Now that the warnings are out the way, here's what's up.

By the end of December, I decided that it was time for me to live my life again. What I mean by that is, for the past few years, it felt like I was just cruising through life, not really living it. My mother was extremely sick and I had to take care of her. Honestly, I'm glad I did, but that shit was time consuming and it burnt through my energy and will to live like nobody else's business.

Anyway, I decided to go to therapy to deal with whatever bullshit and better myself. 2020 was going to be MY year. Besides therapy, I started to be financially responsible. And I feel like every time someone starts to do something good for themselves, life is just like "haha, bitch you though".

So, January 2020 rolls in. I'm hyped as FUCK! I'm listening to Ciara "Level up", determined to live my best life. The first week was fine. Dare I say, it was fabulous.

I reconnected with an old flame and things were looking up in the romance department. I was learning what boundaries were and trying to implement that in my life. Work was okay. I mean, like I said, I was a 1000% sure 2020 was my year.

By the second week of January, shit hit the fan! Just thinking about it, I'm anxious laughing and I wanna yeet myself out the window, but let's power through it anyways.

Monday 6th, I got a call while I was at work (I think it was my father but not sure). My mother was going to be moved to ICU because one of her lungs collapsed. Quick background story. My mother has battle cancer for 26 years, but last year, it invaded her lungs and brain. She got treatment and we were a little hopeful. But like I said, Life has a bitter sense of humor.

So, I got a call. By the time I got home, the ambulance was there and my mother was being taken away.

When I got to the clinic, a lot of people were already there. After a lot of scans and whatever, I talked to the doctor and guess what he said. Well, if you guessed "there is nothing much we can do", you guessed right. So, yes, the doctor basically told me my mother was dying and they were keeping here just to help her alleviate the pain.

I don't really remember the times I visited her, except for two visits.

Once, she gathered me and my two older brothers to make sure we weren't fighting anymore. (I had some issues with my middle brother).

The second time, she begged me to take her home, but I couldn't do much, so I'll let you guess how I felt after that.

So three days later, she came back home. I didn't recognize my mother anymore. She was so thin and weak. She couldn't even speak or eat. This lasted almost 10 days... And then, she passed.

Once again, I was at work when my aunt called me crying, telling me my mother wasn't feeling alright. Right away I knew what was going on. One of my coworkers drove me home.

By the time I got there, she was already dead. No matter how prepared you think you are for these moments, it's never enough, trust me. It was as if someone slapped me.

When I came into the room, my mother was gone. Her hands were cold and she wasn't breathing anymore. The light of my life was no longer.

She was buried the next day.

Since then, I'm trying to find a new meaning to my life, but it felt (still feels sometimes) very empty.

I won't say it was a dark time, but it was. Depression hit me like a ton of bricks and let's not talk about anxiety. I avoided my phone because I was scared of it. Everytime it rang, I felt like I was about to throw up.

Allegedly, depression can mess up your immune system. I think it's true. I haven't been truly sick in the past 5 years, but the week following my mother's passing, I got a lung infection (v funny) and 3 weeks later, I had a really bad case of the flu. So bad, my father was about to force me to get tested just in case Auntie Rona decided to pay me a visit.

In the meantime, I managed to start a relationship (if we can call what I was in a relationship... lol). At first, it was good, so good, but then, it quickly hit the wall. The relationship just slowly faded. A lot of other things happened, but I'm going to keep that to myself for now....

If you made it all the way to the end. Thanks. And that's about it. I'm doing a lot better. Sometimes, I still feel like going to sleep and never waking up, but hey, one day at a time, amirite?!

[andhumanslovedstories]

i don't think i have capital a anxiety and i don't think i actually qualify for adhd but like .. the things you talk about, thank you for talking about them. it makes me feel less alone. i also think about like, the inevitability of death, even when i don't want to, and it sometimes feels like every day. and i also guilt over not/replying to things and take ages to take a shower sometimes. i'm sorry you have to deal with those things, but thank you for sharing your experience with them

honestly people replying to stuff I write about to say “I feel that way too” is therapeutic for me, so thank you for saying so. It’s hard striking a balance between being open and being way too intimate, but it’s genuinely amazing to me how if you talk about mental health, you’ll find so many people who are thinking the same things and also think you’re alone. 

and not to dx you over one ask, but you do sound a lot like me. I never understood questions on depression surveys that were like “do you think about bad things all the time, do you think about death all the time” because I was like, of course! Everyone does! Even when you’re happy, you’re aware of death! [SUICIDE IDEATION TALK HERE] I would always think stuff like, “Obviously I’d never kill myself. And I’ll ask myself a couple times every day if I am thinking about killing myself so I can confirm I’m not.” Or I’d think of ways to kill myself, but because they’d be so unrealistic, I wouldn’t think that they counted. Like basically fantasizing that there’d be a burning building and I’d have to run in to save twelve babies and they’d all survive but I wouldn’t. I’d think about that a lot, but never considered that to be anything worrisome. 

And then I started therapy and meds and a bunch of other coping methods, and I realized after a few years, oh, wait. There are times when I don’t think about death all the time and I don’t think about tasks for hours before I get to do them. Sometimes I have high energy and I’m excited about the future. Bad things still happen, but they don’t destroy me. Except when they do because this shit is cyclical, and to tell you the truth, I had an extremely bad relapse a few months ago where everything seemed hopeless and like this was the sadness forever. Obviously I didn’t have depression or anxiety or adhd or anything like that: I was just a bad person. Or worse, I did have those things but they were never going to get better. 

Then they got better. School ended and I started working again which got me out of the house. I did art with a lot of exuberance. When I wanted to hurt myself, I knitted instead. And today I feel good! I don’t feel guilty or ashamed or too tired to do basic hygiene. I feel happy. I feel calm. I’m playing DnD with a bunch of strangers tonight, and I’m able to look forward to it. I’m nervous, but not anxious. (Nerves can be kinda fun. Anxiety never is. Nerves make sense. Anxiety creates its own logic. Took me a while to figure out the difference.) 

Which is all just to say that when I’m at my worst, I don’t think I’m mentally ill at all. I think that other people definitely are, that there’s people out there who are Valid, and I’m just...sad. And I just need to stop being sad. And that’s not helpful and turns your emotions into yet another thing to feel bad about. 

I’m not saying to have anything diagnosable, but talk to people! Say your thoughts aloud to someone you trust or to a professional and see how they sound. And even if you don’t end up getting a formal dx or deciding that you need one, the coping methods of different Brain Stuff conditions can be useful anyway. I’m not autistic, but listening to autistic people talk about their experiences and what helps them has helped me with a bunch of my symptoms and personality quirks. 

this is super long, but I’ll end it with something that @tellytubs wrote to me ages ago before I started therapy, and I wasn’t sure if I even qualified for it (like, I wasn’t sad enough or whatever) was. She reached out and told me that it doesn’t matter if the same things would upset another person. If they upset you, that’s all the criteria you need to seek help. It really helped me in the moment accept that I “deserved” therapy, and it’s something I still remind myself when I feel like I should be “fixed” by now. 

[selfish-thunder]

+ I've considered transitioning before, but I always let the thoughts of 'oh, what will ____ think of this?' get to me but now, my urge is growing stronger and I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a girl. / So, I guess my question is, how does one fully decide to start T? And although I'm uncomfortable with how I am now, should I just wait post-graduation to begin identifying and begin transitioning, as doing so now will be denied and cause more problems than I already have?

Hi!!! Oh goodness, I feel honored you feel safe reaching out to me. I assume the other anon was from you, too, but I’ll put my reply to this one.

I hope I do good by you, and I'm sorry it's taken me a while to answer. I'll reblog this a few times in hopes you see it. 

First of all, I want you to know that I completely support and love you. And yes, will support and love you no matter what you decide for yourself. You can completely be whatever gender you ARE without any physical transitioning whatsoever, point blank. For whatever reason. Transitioning and identifying as something aren't mutually exclusive. I'm sorry you aren't in a position where you can just go ahead and do what will make you the most comfortable, and your concerns are valid. They directly affect your quality of life, so it is definitely a big decision.

So, I guess my advice is...

First of all, people may surprise you. (You can also be a little sneaky in how you come out to people, even though it's probably cheating lol. When I came out to my mother, I opened with "You told me you love me unconditionally. Is that still true", basically letting her know I was about to put that claim to the test. At the end of the day, she doesn't understand, is confused, but will stand by me.) 

And I totally understand how thinking "what will x think" can hold you back.So, I'll tell you something a friend told me once that was extremely helpful for me. Don't think of it as "coming out", but rather you inviting someone into your story. Being trans is especially difficult if you decide to transition because there is a period of time where you don't have the option of "being out" because one look, and people can guess. And that time is from starting hormones until about a year or two later, so again, your concerns are valid. Regardless, just because people might make assumptions based on appearance, that doesn't mean you have to let them into your story. You don't have to tell anyone anything if you aren't comfortable with it.

My next bit of advice would be, find an adult (I'm assuming you’re a teenager, so my apologies if you meant school as in university) or a teacher who you trust. It may not be someone you've interacted with a lot, maybe just had for one class, but if you feel like this person is reasonably open-minded and accepting, you can go ahead and let them know there's something on there. Not the full story if you don’t want, but something. 

I did that with my boss and a few of my coworkers so when going to HR, I already had support. If you decide to transition, you can then approach the school and offer a willingness to work with them, and you can show on the record that you were agreeable and reasonable (COYA, in case they're a bunch of dicks). 

There's also a ton of resources. 

For example, where I live, there's a thing called the "TransBuddy" program that is a bunch of volunteers willing to help, such as going to doctor's with you, helping with legal name changes and gender markers, schedule appointments and be an active voice explicitly to support you. Go incognito and see what's around your area. From my experience, a lot of people are willing to come to you if they're in a different town. Just please, please, please be safe. Ask for references.

If you do not feel comfortable or safe doing your own research for whatever reason, I am happy to try to help. (I’ll try to already put together something of national support and things anyway, maybe a lot of people can use it...)

As far as what to expect during your first few months...

For the first few months, expect your body to sweat a lot more (your scent will change too, and the sweatiness last a long time, tbh), you'll start to grow hair (EVERYWHERE I swear), your face will probably bloat some, and your voice will start to change a little (ie, start cracking when you talk, etc). You may find yourself happier and less anxious because you're finally starting HRT and finally getting to be the person you want, but t can effect emotion too, such as finding yourself more easily irritated or what have you. So if you notice a change in emotion reaction, just keep that in mind. And you'll grow your own Adam's apple (I don't know why people actually think they're implants?????)

After about six months, your emotions should even out. Your voice will continue to drop, most likely, and growing facial hair will be easier. Your face will also start to harden then (probably might bloat so more), becoming more masculine. After about a year, your Adam's apple will probably be prominent, facial hair common (even if it's not thick yet), and then is usually around the time people begin surgeries if that's what you want.

Keep in mind, your doctors will start you off on low dosage, and you'll work your way up. Also please keep in mind that, though you can stop hormones at any time, so effects will not reverse, such as growing facial hair and your voice. 

Even if you stop t, those will remain how they are when you stop. Just something to keep in mind.

So yeah, it's a big decision, but I don't have to tell you that. I would look for an LGBT clinic, or at least an LGBT-friendly clinic, and get all the info from a licensed doctor before officially ruling one way or another. 

Please, please, please note: If the doctor is making you uncomfortable, feel like they aren't listening to you, or obviously tries to sway you against it because of their own personal ideals or opinions, find a different doctor. Politely thank them for their opinion, and feel free to discard it. A doctor should put your health and your mental health first, and dysphoria is a real, legit, big, and sometimes dangerous thing.

Which brings me to my last bit. 

There are lots you can do to feel more comfortable in your body other than transition or doing HRT. Binders and packers (my packer is awesome, I love it so f’ing much) help me as well as just wearing men's clothes. Having a support group helps tremendously too. Also, having a gender-neutral presentation may help too. For me personally, I shrugged off the expected feminine appearance years ago. I unintentionally got people used to seeing me without makeup, wearing big boots and flannel. Them finding out that I'm now on t caused most of them to be like, "Huh, yeah. I can see that."

So, if you only a little bit longer to go before you are able to graduate, move to a more supportive place, and politely start to break away from those who would deny you or make you feel unwelcome just because you dare to be who you are, then that could be a game plan of sorts. It was for me, at least, at work.

I mean, this is your LIFE. This is who YOU are. Be honest with yourself, yes, but there's nothing saying you can't be clever about it. Right now, it's the summer, so you can some time to play with your appearance and how you present yourself before you have to go back, if that’s something you want to do.

The most important thing is you do what is best for you, for your health, both physical and mental, and when it comes down to it, you don't have to invite anyone into your story. I can't advise you as to what decision you should make because that's yours to make. Again, though, whatever you decide, you have my complete and utter support.

And for what it's worth, to this blog, you are a man with he/him pronouns for however long you want. I have yet to meet a trans person who at any point thought their journey was going to be easy, but it definitely doesn't have to be lonely or unnecessarily hard. You are allowed to ask for what you need, to ask for help, and to tell any adult - any person - that they make you feel unsafe and you request to deal with someone else. Please be safe, make sure you map your exits, but don't be afraid to stand up for you.

If you need anything, feel free to reach out. You can DM me, too, and I promise to keep anything we talk about confidential and offer you a safe, nonjudgmental space.

[wroteclassicaly]

I realized that my message was just some scattered explanation for me.. Sometimes my words does not match to what I'm thinking so I never make sense in that way. And I'm verbose with repetitive speech so that is why what I said never make sense to people.

And I will reveal myself eventually, just not right at this moment. I'm anxious around new people.

Back to what we were discussing.

What I meant to say is that creative outlets like art, writing and any other creative hobbies are just how I express myself. I express myself for myself, not for other people. But I would not complain if people did enjoy my work too, if that are really people like that.

Hopefully that makes more sense now.

I'd enjoy stories with original and reader characters, even if it's for reading and writing. I would enjoy any stories with well written characters in every way but I already said that, same with other people too.

And I knew what you meant. I know most people do prefer reader characters over original characters for whichever reasons why have. That's fine either way.

But I also know people also likes to write characters that resemble that person in some way like how any physical or mental traits. Appearances, personality, and even disabilities for them to be more inclusive.

Like you said. People write what they know.. One of the characters you write for are plus sized because, as for yourself, you want more plus sized characters in stories. Like my most obvious physical trait is my size. Not in weight, but in height. Because I am a lot shorter than five feet. Technically, I'm a midget for a lack of a different word since I have always thought terms for dwarfs and midgets were different based on their own heights. But I might be wrong on that. So I've never seen people write for characters that's really short or tall, from what I've noticed anyway.

And I can't fault people for not writing disabilities in ways that don't know about. When it comes to a lot, and a mean a lot, of stories involving disabilities.. I'd mostly see lots of stories about anxiety, depression and maybe ptsd too. Nothing wrong with that. But I never see other disabilities, disorders or conditions. Like for myself.. I have multiple disabilities, physical and mental disabilities. And most people don't even know what disabilities I have until someone tells the person. So my conditions, my battle scars, could be "invisible" to people who never know me personally. Asperger's Syndrome is one of my many conditions that I have, definitely my most prominent disorder I have. In my opinion. Most people never know I have autism until someone tells them, obviously there's a few people who treat me differently when they have found out so I avoid telling people if I can. Autism is one of the diagnoses I actually wanted to write with a character. Depending on the year any stories that takes place for this character, she could really have a complete diagnosis or even just the mannerisms.

Maybe I'll have to reemerge myself in my fandoms again before writing again, so I can have this better understanding for what I might want to write about.

I think it just goes back to most of us not wanting to upset anyone or get anything horribly wrong by writing for something we haven’t experienced, you know? I would never want to assume I can write a disability that I don’t have. The last thing I would want is to hurt anyone! But I think if someone requests specifics or can help give insight into certain things—that would work too! But I say it’s definitely up to you, and it’s a process.

You can have a reader with your disability, but not generalize it by giving them a name or physical traits that are extremely specific, if you wanted to write for an audience that has the same disabilities. Like I said, it’s your preference. ❤️

[oumakokichi]

Because you were talking about Juzo, I'm curious, why was Kirigiri one of your favorites as well? I feel her character development was minimalistic at best and was dropped after the first game, especially in the dr3 anime

Although Ouma is definitely myfavorite ndrv3 character, I’ve been joking a lot lately that Saihara is the one Iactually relate to the most—because I too am an anxious depressed mess, feelsocially awkward at all times, and am a huge Kirigiri fan.

While Kirigiri is certainly nota character to demonstrate her emotions very noticeably outward, I wouldn’t saythat her development is minimalistic in the first game. If anything, Kirigiriis one of the characters whose growth and development is followed the most bythe first game, after Naegi.

The thing is, her developmentstarts from a different position than Naegi’s. Rather than starting from astandpoint of being naïve and overly optimistic or trusting, Kirigiri startsout rather like Ouma, actually. She’s rather cynical at heart, especially indr1, something many people tend to forget about her character. As a detective,she accepts what neither Saihara nor Jin Kirigiri want to accept about theirjob: that people have to be doubted, suspected, and questioned.

Dr3 certainly does drop theball on her character development, but, well—it did that for everyone’scharacter development, pretty much. Future Arc started strong, showed lots ofpromise, and then sadly ruined all the potential it had with weak writing. Bydelegating Kirigiri to the role of “damsel in distress” and “beautiful self-sacrificingcinnamon roll” all at once, dr3 did a really bad job at remembering whyKirigiri became so popular in the first place, because she never used to fitinto those character tropes typically reserved for female characters in the DRseries.

While I’m glad she lived (Seiko’santidote bottle was something I noticed right away when her “death” episodefirst aired, so the foreshadowing was definitely there), I don’t feel dr3 didher justice by any means. She was forced to take a backseat role; just as Chisawas used as nothing more than an object for Munakata’s character arc, Kirigiriwas forced to parallel her by being used as an object for Naegi’s arc. And thatwas a pretty huge insult to her character, in my opinion. Had the switch beenthe other way around, with Naegi sacrificing himself (in a wonderful throwbackto dr1 Chapter 5) and Kirigiri taking an unexpected protagonist role, I would’vebeen a lot more satisfied.

But unlike other DR characters,there are plenty of other materials besides just dr3 to give us insight intoKirigiri. The Kirigiri light novels, for one, as well as the new visual novel,Kirigiri Sou. Kirigiri’s continued popularity is a testament to what sherepresents to the DR series, from a mystery perspective. Just as Junko isiconic for her role as an antagonist, Kirigiri is iconic because of her role asnot only a detective, but thedetective. All the insight she provides Naegi and the player in dr1 about whatsolving a mystery entails, about how to reflect on the mindset of both victimsand culprits, as well as what exposing the truth really means, are themes thathave come up not only in dr1 but in every other DR installment to date,including ndrv3.

Kirigiri is perhaps thecharacter whose advice and teachings have lasted the longest. She instinctivelyunderstands, and helps the player understand, what a real mystery is all about.Where ndrv3 leads the player into a false sense of security before lampshadinghow ridiculous and utterly dangerous it is to trust people blindly, Kirigiriwarns Naegi of the dangers of blind trust and extreme paranoia as early asChapter 1 in dr1. While she’s certainly aloof and uninterested in socializing,especially at first, she’s someone who grasps what the “heart” of a mystery isall about, and helps guide Naegi and the player into understanding it too. Andunderstanding the “heart” is the first step to understanding any mystery presentedin the future, too.

Kirigiri starts dr1 as someonewho is level-headed, reasonable, and extremelysecretive (excessively so, sometimes). She’s smart, calm, and collected, butcertainly not infallible; having replayed dr1 quite recently myself, I’venoticed several instances in which her failure to take action as quickly as shecould’ve causes her to be surprised and blindsided when murders take placeelsewhere. Like Ouma, she often prioritizes her own objectives in: 1.)exploring the school and exposing the mastermind behind the whole game, and 2.)finding out the truth about her own memories, backstory, and talent, so smallerhurdles and culprits among the group can and often do throw her off guard.

Most importantly to note, she’snot a team player, especially not at first. Kirigiri’s cynicism and paranoiamakes it difficult for her to trust others besides herself, though notimpossible. The one major difference between her and Ouma is that Kirigiribelieved in the necessity of trust after doubting others first. Her bond oftrust with Naegi is something gradually developed throughout the course of dr1,slowly and steadily. It’s not something she would have developed with justanyone, but rather something she and Naegi both developed specifically becauseof their shared experiences with one another.

But she certainly didn’t careto explain her motivations or objectives to the rest of the group, nor did shebelieve in telling even Naegi about what she knew on anything more than a “need-to-know”basis. She’s extremely sensitive about people butting in on her personal life. Inher FTEs she says point-blank that she feels emotions just the same as otherpeople, but that she intentionally hides them behind a mask of composure—becauseshe has nothing to gain by tipping other people off as to what she’s feeling orthinking at the moment. In this sense, she’s also quite similar to Ouma. Butwhere Ouma’s mask is all about feigning every emotion, usually in a veryexaggerated fashion, Kirigiri’s is a mask of stoicism.

When others in the group wantto know where she’s been or what she’s been doing, she doesn’t feel any need totell them. Even when it clearly begins putting the group in a more disorganizedstate and things begin reaching a boiling point in Chapters 4 and 5, sheremains extremely closed-off and secretive, and it’s clear that there’s no onein the group she would trust with any of her personal information besidesNaegi. And even Naegi, she never tells the whole story to.

Naegi had to make a consciousdecision to cover for Kirigiri’s lie in Chapter 5—it wasn’t something sheprepared him for, and she knew there was a chance she might actually be sendinghim to his death, if Alter Ego failed to kick in. Still, it was a sacrifice shewas willing to make if need be, and that’s something incredibly cold andpragmatic and that I love to see in characters who are all about “the endsjustify the means.”

Just like Ouma, she wasabsolutely dead set on investigating things to the end. She couldn’t let thingsend with her death, which is why she refused to sacrifice herself in Chapter 5,just as Ouma initially refuses to let himself die in ndrv3 Chapter 4. Hertunnel vision towards stopping the mastermind and figuring out what happened toJin Kirigiri and how far he was involved with the killing game means that shedoesn’t want other people sticking their nose into her business.

Her feelings towards Jin arethe main proof of the fact that Kirigiri can also be driven by personalvendettas, pettiness, and unresolved anger and frustration. As someone who canperfectly understand the resentment towards an absent father figure, I alwaysappreciated that Kirigiri’s conflicted feelings about Jin were handled quitewell in dr1. The narrative ultimately focuses on the fact that yes, Jin lovedhis daughter and was a caring father, but he was also careless, overlytrusting, and thoughtless about how his actions would influence others.Kirigiri was allowed to be angry at Jinwhile also still caring about him, and that was a deeply realistic and humanreaction.

I appreciate the fact thatKirigiri, especially in dr1, was a character never played for fanservice, andnever used as an object of male character development or waifu-baiting. Therewas little to no forced romance between Naegi and Kirigiri in the first gamewhich is what led me to enjoying naegiri quite a lot on my own—when thenarrative isn’t trying to push it in a romantic connotation, I tend to warm upto these sorts of ships a lot faster. Dr1 was very emphatic about appreciatingtheir dynamic as friends first, withanything more than that being a matter of personal interpretation.

The fact that she’s extremelyintelligent, capable, and arguably a protagonist in her own right thanks tospinoffs like DR: Kirigiri and Kirigiri Sou now is a large part of the reasonwhy she’s still #2 on my overall DR ranking. Before Ouma came along, she wasactually #1 and I didn’t think anyone would ever shake her position. I stillreally enjoy her every time I do a reread; if anything, Ouma’s character hasmade me appreciate Kirigiri even more, given the noticeable similaritiesbetween them.

Anyway, these are just my personalthoughts on the subject! I’ve always appreciated that Kirigiri was a characterwho both embraces and embodies the role of a detective, but who alsounderstands the full meaning of “the truth,” and isn’t afraid to lie, cheat, orrely on other cold and calculating tactics in order to achieve her objectives. She’san extremely compelling female character in my opinion, and I’ll always have abig soft spot for her. Thanks for asking, anon!