#Anyway thanks for being here and reading my nonsensical rambles whenever I post them

[dewitty1]

Saturday Six (Stuff)

Not looking forward to the snow we're supposed to get this weekend.Σ(-᷅_-᷄๑)

Do young people even do xmas cards anymore, or is it just us old fogies? Idk, but I do know I love getting mail, that isn't a bill, or junk.(ෆ ͒•∘̬• ͒)◞

I made and sent a cross stitch project for my BFF. Hopefully she likes it.(*´꒳`*)

Leeloo the kitten is getting spayed this week. We're hoping it calms her down, but since she's half siamese, umm... Yeah, probably not.✩⃛( ͒ ु•·̫• ू ͒)

I've been working on a t-shirt quilt for mom (I started it a few years ago, and quit because the way we decided to do it is a pain, lol) and idk if I'll be able to get it done for Xmas. ヽ(*ﾟｰﾟ*)ﾉ

I strained my shoulder, sitting in a weird position for too long. No Bueno. (◍•﹏•)

[king-paimon]

I've read up on your blog through a lot of Houseki no Kuni's manga. I liked your analysis though I gotta say come the last chapters, specifically since chapter 95, I didn't always agree with them.

I didn't need the end to be happy sunshine and rainbows, or the opposite, for Phos to go all revenge monster on the gems either. But at the end there, I felt like we all just accepted everything Ichikawa threw at us with no criticism, all that torture flattening the narrative's nuance, and if I didn't like it, I was seeing it through the wrong angle.

I know you don't act like that, which I appreciate. Throught all your reviews, you expressed understanding on why so many people disliked the story. Thank you for that, thank you for not being judgemental. And I'm glad you enjoyed the ride.

I just couldn't help but feel like so many story threads were left lose, and so many complete 180°s were thrown that didn't match the story or it's characters. Some people described it as a self-sabotaged narrative, and I see it. It wasn't enough to give me catharsis - especially with the character set up as the villain getting everything he wanted.

I guess I just had higher standards, which the story didn't meet. That is not a bad thing, after all.

I think my biggest gripe is with how Cairngorm's character was handled, and I'd like to include this here. The ambiguity of their predatory relationship was in poor taste, and remained unaddressed. I can see why so many of my friends left the series when that plot point happened. They deserved better.

Hi @intoxtinction! Thank you for sending me this message and sorry that it took me so long to finally respond. Real life has been kicking my butt and free time to do anything on here is a rarity. But I still wanted to write a response to you because I really loved your response! And yes, I saw the comment you left on my last HnK meta post. You're good; don't worry about it!

Thank you again for your kind words. I'm glad that you like my posts, even if they sometimes become long, nonsensical rambles and especially if you don't agree with some of my points! I love that. Whenever I wrote my posts, I always try to keep an open mind and take into account that all fans are different and would have different views when it comes to works works like HnK. As far as I can see, HnK is one of those works that is supposed to draw up conversations because it's not a simple, straight forward story with clear distinction between black/white moral characters. Everyone who reads it is going to view the events in the story differently based on their own beliefs and even if everyone's views conflict with one another, I think it's fascinating and even wonderful. So even if I may not agree with some fans when it comes to certain aspects of HnK, I never hold it against them. I don't want to demonize anyone for how they interpret the story, at least not too harshly anyways. I know when I'm biased, but I don't let that stop me from at least trying to understand where other fans are coming from. HnK was such a fascinatingly complex and unconventional story, and the fact that it can spur many views and feelings from people is one of the reasons whyI liked the series.

With that being said, however, I also think it's important to be open to properly critique our favorite works. HnK is not immune from these critiques, because for as much as I enjoyed following the story over the past couple of years, there are many aspects in the overall story that were far from satisfying. So many loose ends, incomplete character arches, and questionable story decisions... After being away from the story for some time now, it's become more apparent that there were many aspects to the HnK that has me question Haruko Ichikawa's story telling abilities. Don't get me wrong, she's shown to be a very fascinating storyteller and I overall liked what she created. But when it comes to the incomplete story threads for all of the other characters besides Phos, I can't tell if some of Ms. Ichikawa's decisions were intentionally left up for interpretation or if their stories were just not important to complete since at the end of the day, HnK is about Phos's story. One of these decisions I question the most about is Cairngorm's story arch, so I couldn't agree more with you, @intoxtinction. Cairngorm was done dirty in so many ways and they deserved a more satisfying ending to their story.

I was planning on writing two last posts that would be focusing on these topics. But because life has been kicking my butt too much lately, I don't know when they will be out, if at all at this point. But if I'm able to complete them, I hope you'll get the chance to read them and share your own thought. And again, it's totally fine if you don't agree with my points; I'd still love to read them!

[blackbirdsnonsense]

Well since my Tumblr page ended up becoming more Monster High based then I originally intended, it feels appropriate to share the idea for a Monster High OC I've had for awhile.

Plus it's easier to do it in one chunk here than it would be in a massive thread over on Twitter or Bluesky.

That said, I'm still going on the shorter version of her origin that I can be used in G3 since other origin involves going WAAAAAAY back into my fanfic writing to my old Kim Possible stuff and the Kigo kid I made & moving her into Monster High with a friend's Kigo kid and it's a whole thing. If anyone's interested I'm willing to write out the whole thing.

Now, the short version is that the OC is a Frankenmonster/cyborg mash-up I like to call a "Frakenborg". I also call her Synthia because, you know, she's a synthetic person & that feels like the perfect punny Monster High style name to me. I say she works easiest for G3 since Frankenstein creatures are just a type of monster there. So it's entirely possible another scientist made a monster mixed with people & robotic parts.

And honestly I just think it's a cool idea.

I have yet to get a pic of her done but I do have a description that I am just going to copy and paste from another Discord message with an artist friend cause...well I'm lazy.

So here goes:

Anyway, this one is actually a Monster High OC since that's my current hyper-fixation. She's a combination Frankenstein monster/cyborg that I like to call a "Frakenborg". So the right side of her body is organic but colored pale blue with stitches over it while her left side is copper colored cybernetic parts. I'm thinking her head would look like Cyborg's from Teen Titans. You know, top half all robotic but still with a full mouth & chin. Then metal arm from the left shoulder down and a metal leg from her upper thigh down.

She has long purple hair on her right side along with a green eye on that side then a red lens on her robotic side. Outfit wise, she has a sleeveless button up top that's black on the right side and white on the left side paired with a skirt that's white on the right side and black on the left side. Then she has a pair of red suspenders and a blue stripped tie along with a raspberry berret(yes inspired by the Prince song) along with a black knee high boot on her right side and a white ankle boot on her left side. Also a black fingerless glove on her organic hand.

I hope all that made sense

I'm hoping to get a pic of her done sometime & if anyone here would like to take a shot at her please be my guest! And her outfit is a mismatch of styles to reflect her mismatch of parts. I just picture her as someone who really leans into being made up of different things and lets that reflect in who she is. If I gave her a jacket or coat, it would totally be based on the Sixth Doctor's mismatch coat cause I LOVE that thing!

So that's all I have now. Thank you for anyone who actually took the time to read through all my rambling nonsense. Whenever I do get some pics of Synthia done I'll definitely be sure to post them here.

[asthmark]

asthmark’s end-of-year post !

ladies and germs, we made it through the year! there were definitely ups and downs but regardless, here we are :-)

i opened this blog in february with a little mark lee drabble that was barely above 1k words. i didn’t think much of it but i can clearly remember checking my phone, seeing it had gotten around 50 notes, and being utterly shocked and overjoyed. at that point in time, i would have never believed you if you told me i would surpass 500 followers or achieve 2k likes on one fic alone.

this blog has been so much fun and brought me happiness all throughout this very frightening year. i spent dozens of hours sitting in front of my laptop developing fics and it provided me with an escape that i am very grateful for.

thus, i am immensely devoted and dedicated to this blog. i hope that in 2021 and the years that follow i can continue expanding my ideas and feeling proud about what i put out here.

now, i feel it would only be appropriate to thank nct for inspiring me to write. not only that, but i also thank them for working as hard as they do and creating music that resonates with people and becomes a safe place. they are a group of incredibly impressive and influential people that i can learn a lot from.

also, a huge thank you to my mutuals. i don’t have many and i know i don’t reach out or interact with them as much as i should... or at all oops (i’m genuinely so sorry, though! i promise i hate being an introvert T_T) but i appreciate and admire every single one of them albeit from afar. thank you for even following me in the first place! also thank you my friends who msg me regularly (@zoeisdeadinside​ and @onlyjihoons​ i’m looking at you!) my dms would be oh so empty without you guys. also, thank you alesha for always entertaining me and my nonsense. even if we don’t talk much, i appreciate you and all that you do @heartyyjeno​! and who would i be if i didn’t mention my love @myaphroditejae? i know you’ve been mia lately but i still thank you for putting up with my rants and ramblings. i miss you, angel 🥺

which leads me to my followers! ^_^ i love you guys!!! i see every single follow and it really means so much to me. i get all giddy whenever i get a notif alerting me that someone actually wants to keep up with me and see what i have to offer! it makes me happier than you guys will ever understand. thank you for giving that to me <3

and to anyone who has ever liked, reblogged, replied, sent in an ask—anon or not—or even just silent read, thank you, too! an author is nothing without their audience. thank you so, so much for being mine.

i think that’s about it?? i hope i’m not missing anything >< i’m so dramatic, this did not have to be this long at all but i just had a lot to say (when do i not ahsjdk). i think i’m just excited since it’s my first year on tumblr as an nct/kpop writer and this is by far the most attention and support a blog of mine has received.

anyway, i’ll wrap it up here by saying that i’m eager to see what the new year brings and hope it brings health and happiness to all. let’s have a great 2021, guys!

(also if you managed to actually read all this thank you, too!!)

[violetlunette]

For some reason I was prompted to share my feelings on Bakugou, so here they are. Keep in mind this is my opinion and feeling, rational thinking is limited. Also, this is ramble/rant style so sense is out the door and there’s mostly complaining. However you can relax as this isn’t exactly anti-Bakugou. Not exactly.

I’ll say this much about Izuku—he’s a better person than I am. I’m re-reading the manga and I’ll admit that if Bakugou treated me the way he treated Izuku I would have used OFA to break a bone a long time ago. (Okay, maybe I wouldn’t, but I wouldn’t be as nice to him as Izuku. Don’t underestimate my passive aggressiveness and dirty looks.)

I don’t hate Bakugou, but I’m not his #1 fan either. That’s mostly a personality thing though, like how some people like hot peppers and others don’t.

I’ll admit that some of my feelings are projecting as I’ve been physically and emotionally hurt by people only to have my justified feelings brushed aside with excuses, then made to feel bad for daring to feel upset.

I acknowledge that I am projecting and try to keep it in mind whenever Bakugou comes up. But that’s why I get so upset when I see Izuku mentally praise someone who hurt him so much and having everyone else acting like Bakugou didn’t do anything wrong when he did. That’s all on me though and tell myself every time that Izuku isn’t me and he’s entitled to his own feelings and he chooses how act on them as he wants. Even if it’s not what I want, this isn’t my story.

That’s why I started my Izuku/Bakugou thing; because after I read anti-bakugou posts I wondered if maybe we’re all projecting so much we forget to see the characters for who they are instead of what’s in our heads. With that in mind I’m trying to give Bakugou a fair chance on re-read and try to call myself out when I’m being unfair.

That being said I do have valid complaints that have nothing to do with projecting that have/and will make rant posts about.

Again, I don’t completely hate Bakugou though; He’s a complex character and I like the times when he’s actually allowed to grow and isn’t babied by the narrative.

(Just saw people talking about this) Everyone quotes the kidnapping arc when talking about Bakugou’s growth and there’s a reason; it’s one of the few times Bakugou pays for his actions, feels regretful, and tries to do better.

He was so arrogant that he went headlong to fight villains despite knowing he was their target, which is like confronting a murderer in a warehouse alone, what do you think is going to happen? Because these guys are VILLAINS who know what the hell they’re doing he gets captured. The consequence? All Might comes to save him and ends up in a battle where he ends up losing one for all once and for all. True he would have lost it eventually, but All Might would have had a little longer. (Though he probably wouldn’t have gone out with as awesome a bang!)

Anyway, the point is that Bakugou did something rash and stupid and there were consequences for his actions; people suffered, HE suffered, and it helped him grow. He realized he messed up and took actions to improve a little; he started to realize that he needed to treat his class better and made SMALL efforts to improve his relationship with Izuku (again, small, but they are there). They even got to talk-fight things out like Shounen boys do. It was a beautiful, angsty arc that meant something. Even most anti-Bakugou fans will admit they liked this arc, not because Bakugou suffered, but because there were consequences and he was allowed to grow.

I also liked that he failed to get his license the first time because he didn’t know how to handle the civilians because it was one of the few times in the story where a major flaw was acknowledged, called out, punished, and improved. It was a good arc for his development.

That’s why I get so pissed when I see other opportunities to improve his growth is ignored or tossed aside. I truly wanted Bakugou to grow and earn stuff, but instead the story usually hands it to him which makes his few moments of growth feel empty. It’s like, what the hell? He was doing so good!

What I absolutely can’t stand however is that in the bullying situation with Izuku the narrative seems to be pushing that we should feel sorry for Bakugou, the attacker, instead of Izuku who was the victim. And no. Bakugou’s reasons (even if they’re not good reasons) explain why he did what he did, not excuse it.

He was scared that Izuku would be better than him so he attacked a kid who couldn’t defend himself for years with bomb powers? Yeah, guess who’s side I’m on. Say anything you want, but whatever was going on in Bakugou’s head doesn’t make his actions okay.

So to wrap up this nonsense; I don’t like Bakugou, but I don’t hate him. I hate his actions and how the story handles his actions and fails him by handling him with kid gloves. I also hate his relationship with Izuku for personal and valid reasons that I will go into detail when I finish my re-read.

Thank you for reading!

[elopez7228]

Scenic Route 7/47

Read on AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/18268208/chapters/43229774  

Start over : https://elopez7228.tumblr.com/post/620919089893933056/scenic-route-0147

***

It was the tempting smell of coffee that roused Rey from her slumber.

It took her a second to realize where she was and why there was a dog curled up against her sleeping bag. Stretching her neck and shoulders, she unraveled her hair and looked up at Leia. She had placed two steaming mugs of coffee on the tiny kitchen table.

“Mind if I take a quick shower before I leave?I don’t know when I’ll get another chance on the road...”

With Leia’s approval she found herself in the minuscule bathroom, where she washed her hair as economically as possible. Not a drop of water wasted—after all, she wouldn’t want to freeload off of a kind woman evidently already on a budget.

Afterwards, she checked to make sure that she left nothing behind (oil? Check. Water? Check. Music? Check. Phone? Charged up and ready to go. BB8? BB8...? Rey looked over to see her taking care of business in a nearby alley. She ran back  soon enough with her tail wagging happily. Leia paused to hug the dog one last time and Rey could have sworn her eyes were glistening. Rey waited for them a few meters away, standing by the doorway as she gave them time to say goodbye. After plenty of hugs and scratches, Leia put a slim red leather collar around the dog’s neck. Attached to it with tiny hooks, a small metal plaque engraved with the words “Please Call Luke Skywalker 909-667-5721”.

She then handed Rey a piece of paper with Luke’s address in San Francisco. She had also written his phone number, even though the collar ostensibly took care of that. Rey entered the number into her contacts anyway and put the paper away in the glove box.

Rey opened the car door and gently ushered the dog into the back seat.

“BB8, in the car! Come on, in! Inside, let’s go! That’s right, good dog!”

BB8 had jumped into the car with puppy-like enthusiasm, rediscovering her blanket and her basket of toys. Rey gave her a pat to assure her that everything was fine before closing the door. It was time to leave.

Rey approached Leia, who was wiping away a tear with the back of her hand.

“You sure you’ll be okay without BB8?”

“I’ll still have Artoo, even if he doesn’t do much besides eat and nap. We’ll be fine,”

Rey realized she was taking about the cat. She conceded, smiling.

“Look, thanks for everything Leia...the road is a lot less frightening with BB8 by my side. I promise to take care of her,”

“Be careful out there. Send me an update now and then.”

“I will, promise.”

Leia opened her arms and Rey hugged her tightly—it was a little awkward at first but it transformed into a warm embrace. Rey felt a particular tenderness in this gesture, it was the hug of someone who hadn’t hugged anyone in a very long time.

Rey looked up suddenly, breaking the hug.

“I’m an idiot, I forgot to buy a GPS!” She exclaimed, realizing she didn’t know which direction she would be driving in.

She put her hands on her face in exasperation, chastising herself for being so distracted and trying not to let the panic take over.

“Right, no use in beating myself up, I didn’t have enough money left to buy a new one anyway. I’ll have to find a state map. It’ll be all vintage, like the car.”

Luckily, she didn’t have an exact itinerary. She knew that she wanted to get to Yellowstone, which would take a while. The park wasn’t merely a stop, it was as large as Yorkshire and equally difficult to miss.

She looked up a petrol station on Google maps, ironically so that she could buy a physical map for her journey. She turned the key in the ignition and the engine rumbled to a start.

Rey waved one last time to Leia through the open car window, who looked lonelier than ever standing alone out on the porch of her little cottage.

The car emitted a cloud of dust as it left the trailer park and started a long journey. BB8 scratched at the back seat nervously, worried that Leia had disappeared from view. Rey extended a hand to pet her reassuringly.

“Everything will be fine good girl, we’re going home now,” she said gently.

The weather was gorgeous that third-of-July morning, as Rey took I-25 toward Cheyenne, Wyoming. With the breeze in her hair and a smile on her lips, her whole being felt lighter. It seemed like she was looking at the world through new eyes, reveling in an optimism that she hadn’t felt in weeks.

She basked in the beauty of the land, the winding plains dotted with crimson outcroppings, the glistening skyscrapers which formed the city’s spine and slowly gave way to the mountains in the west, whose snowy peaks overlooked a red and white prairie speckled with farms.

As she bypassed the city, she spotted the a few buffalo roaming peacefully on a nature reserve. She also saw camels, two deer on a ridge, and what appeared to be antelopes (or whatever those pale deer like creatures with tiny horns were called).  

A biker on a Harley Davidson sped past her, hair flying and engine roaring in equal measure. In the distance, a freight train of unimaginable length whistled by. Everything was new to her, every sound, every color. She was glad to leave Denver behind. She was tired of the crowd, and the fumes, the noise and the pollution.

BB8 was still lamenting her fate in the back seat, whining now and then. Rey felt her heart constrict. How could she get across that they were going home to see Luke? Preoccupied with these thoughts, she completely missed the exit to Wyoming, which was supposed to be the second leg of their road trip.

In hindsight she would look back on this moment and regret not registering the symbolism of it all.

Around 9 AM she skirted Cheyenne and began the 400 kilometer trek, due west, to the park. It slowly dawned on Rey that she was finally alone with her thoughts—something which hadn’t happened since she left London, since the breakup.

Before, she had purposefully kept busy in order to stop thinking. All action, all the time, running full speed ahead. First she had cursed Finn to hell and back, then she had cried a river on Jessica’s shoulder, taken that flight, wallowed in that hotel room, confronted Ben Solo, met Rose, attended that concert, wandered those museums...it was time to slow down.

Facing eight hours of transit, alone amidst the steel and asphalt with no one but a dog (who was finally calm) for company, Rey let her thoughts run free.

She did not try to repress them, she did not try to smother them.  She was no longer afraid of her unconscious, no longer afraid of regrets, remorse and tears. She would have to bring Finn's stuff back: his clothes, his records, his films and his books.

She did not seen Poe coming, waltzing into her life narrative. Or did she? Had she always seen this coming? Finn and Poe met in high school. They had been on the same football team. They had essentially been friends for forever. When Rey entered Finn’s life, it had been through a hypocritical turn to dating apps. They had bonded over a mutual love for Terry Pratchett novels and Poe had even become her older brother of sorts. Poe had no bitterness, no animosity toward her, there was just a unique brotherhood between the two men that seemed to make Finn happy. Should she have seen it coming, then? In his eyes? In his nonsensical rambles whenever he got drunk? And how could she have ignored the signs all these years, of the feelings Poe had harbored for the man who had been part of his life for so long?

She had finished her degree in graphic design, and right after getting her diploma, she had moved out of Jessica’s to start living with her brand new boyfriend. He was an engineer who was three years older than her and already making a living.

Rey considered that she had never been alone. Before moving in with her ex-future-husband she had lived with Jessica  for most of her adult life. What was she afraid of? Being abandoned again? Getting bored? Wasting away? Was she always going to live in the shadow of others? Didn’t she have any ambitions or goals for herself?

This trip was a first, after all. The first time she did anything alone, the first time no one took her hand, the first time she was ever truly free. Still on the highway, her eyes widened at a passing sign: “Smallest town in America, Bufford, WY. Population : 1". Behind it, a little shack, boarded up with wooden planks and metal sheets.

Beyond, rolling plains, dry and arid masses tinted with yellow and ochre, and not a single tree. On the highway drove an endless parade of monstrous chrome-plated trucks, cars hauling camping trailers, and bikers wearing bandannas instead of helmets. And all the fauna of this strange landscape seemed to ignore the ever-present six-by-four posters lining the highway. Not the one touting MacRoy and associates Laramie attorneys, nor the other claiming “God exists, call 1-800-FOR-TRUTH”.

BB8’s groaning derailed Rey’s bitter train of thought, and she glanced at the back seat. The dog was rolling around restlessly and yes, Rey thought now was a good time to take a break. It would be too early for lunch but at least BB could stretch her legs. Rey kept an eye out for the next exit, or the next petrol station. She used her turn signal to get off the highway at Elk Mountain, a rural outpost sleeping under the desert dust like a cat lounging in the sun.

It was almost a ghost town. A few rusted pickups, a red-brick general store that could have come straight out of the Buffalo Bill era, and half a dozen wooden shacks, in true American spirit. They looked like they couldn’t even stand the first winds of a storm. There must be storms here at some point, she thought, in the winter at least.

How did these people live? Effectively two hours away from the nearest civilization, at that? Rey shrugged. She wouldn’t want to question anyone, if there existed anyone here, that is. Rey parked her car (yes, it was hers now, for the time being) on the side of the road. She opened the door for BB8, who was clamoring to escape. But Rey had predicted this, and she blocked the door with her body as she leashed the dog before letting her out.

She would have preferred to let BB8 roam, but she couldn’t risk it. What if BB ran away across the desert to join Leia Skywalker in Denver?  What if she chased after grasshoppers onto the highway, and subsequently fell prey to one of those gleaming trucks on the highway? She would flattened like a pancake.  Both of them had to tame each other in a way, and that would take time.  Meanwhile, Rey filled the dog's bowl with water and let her drink up. She covered up all the supplies in the car to avoid theft and locked the door.

They took a short walk. BB8 began sniffing at everything on the ground, tail bouncing and ears perking, until she paused to relive herself against the tire of an old truck.  Rey looked around, expecting the owner to come up, a rifle in one hand and a cowboy hat in the other, threatening to shoot both of them.

But no, everything was silent, or as silent as it could be amidst the ceaseless chirping of the cicadas.

Eventually, the heat was overwhelming and the arid wind left Rey parched. Time to go back.

Gingerly walking back to the car, Rey hesitated. It had to be fifty degrees Celsius inside, the car was a suffocating metal monstrosity whose only upside was relative speed. She could feel the sweat drops running down her body.

Yet another hour's drive took her to Sainclair, a city huddled around a monstrous refinery, whose black, smoking towers rose to the sky like Isengard in Lord of the Rings.

"The whole bloody city must live in this factory," Rey thought, as she made herself comfortable inside Penny's Diner, a chrome-clad  hole-in-the-wall with a decidedly vintage feel to it.

[kookytrollz]

Apology/Explanation/Update

Hey there!!! It’s me, the mun! I’m turning 17 in 18 days. Personally, I feel like I’ve been acting really immature, so, I’m gonna talk about why and what I’m doing to fix it. I’m incredibly overdramatic so I wrote this entire long thing, good luck making any sense of it. (There’s a tl;dr at the end)

This might seem unnecessary, but it’s important to me! I’m trying to improve myself, and I feel the need to clear the air. I’m not trying to guilt trip anyone, this really feels necessary for me to acknowledge before I can move on.

So! As many probably know, I have very bad social anxiety. It’s made all aspects my life very difficult, but I am trying to improve it! For a while I thought I could escape the anxiety if I only talked to people online. I got into roleplaying because it was a fun way to indirectly talk with and befriend someone, and it didn’t make me nervous. I’ve really only been rping for like a year. (Though, I did rp on writing forums a little when I was 12, but that’s irrelevant.) I started doing it way too much, though. I got really overwhelmed this spring, and for the past 4-ish months, I've been hopping in and out of hiatus at random, dropping threads, ignoring messages, and deleting a ton of asks. I realize that may have made some of you feel a little bad, and I want to acknowledge that it’s not a mature way to interact with people.

If I just say, “I’m afraid to talk to people because of my anxiety,” that would be true, but it wouldn’t be  enough. The real problem is how I cope with it. The way I’ve always dealt with my anxiety is by avoiding my problems until I feel better. I’ve always heavily critiqued everything I say and do, and I learned that the best way to avoid mistakes is to not do anything at all. It’s sort of like the trolley problem. I’m scared of killing that one person, so I let the other five die. 

My issue isn’t motivation. I am actually very motivated to be active on this blog! It genuinely makes me feel happy to answer asks and stuff. The issue is, I’m terrified to act on that motivation. I’m stuck inbetween a rock and a hard place. I can’t fufill my want to have fun with other people, because of my fear of social interaction. 

My inbox is perpetually super full. I’m like an ask hoarder, too afraid to delete any. It has a ton of really old asks, and whenever I see them, they remind me of my mistakes, which, in turn, worsens my anxiety, and makes it even harder for me to talk to anyone. It’s a cycle!!!

When I receive an rp starter or something, it’s usually one of three situations:

 The first, is that I don’t want to rp with the person, for whatever reason. Instead of deleting the ask or just politely telling them I’m not interested, I keep it in my inbox for MONTHS before I can find the strength to delete it.

The second, is that I want to rp with the person, but I’m afraid I’m going to mess up, or that my writing/art isn’t good enough—something to that extent. So, again, I keep it in my inbox for “later.” (later means never.)

The third, and most common, is that I want to rp with the person, but I’m terrified that someone else who I’ve ghosted will get angry at me if they see me talking to anyone other than them. I get really paranoid, and I feel like all my followers are spies, who, the moment I post anything, and going to crucify me for being “fake”.  It gets so bad sometimes, I almost delete my blog.

Those all seem ridiculous if I think about them for more than a second, but nonetheless, I still actually become nauseous if I look in my inbox. I’ve only really been comfortable answering simple asks, because I can detach, and I don’t feel like I’m talking to a person.

So, I NEED to break out of this cycle. I want to make postitive steps in my life, especially before my senior year starts. That’s why I’m making this. Making a post makes it feel official; it’s just something easy I can do to give me confidence. Reading all this over objectively, it feels really pointless. But more importantly!! I feel a lot better and more confident just writing this. 8^)

I know I just rambled for a while. I hope this wasn’t completely nonsensical. Writing is hard. All long as you get the gist, I’m satisfied. This is more for me than it is for you.

Anyway, Tl;dr I’m sorry for ignoring so many messages. I’m sorry for hopping in and out or hiatus randomly for months. I’m so grateful for all the support and great things that have come from this blog. It means a lot to me. If I’ve ever ignored you, I hope I’ve never made you feel disliked or unwanted.

Sorry, but I need to make a fresh start. I’m basically gonna hard reboot this blog. So, I’m planning on making some changes. I’m gonna remodel the blog, maybe start a better tagging system. And I’ll probably delete all my asks. I’m also making some new icons!!

Thank you for listening!! Thank you for putting up with my bullshit! My inbox is closed for the time being, but if you really need to talk to me you can dm me, either here or @holidehg (my main)

[sandraphobic]

Pouring my feelings out to you strangers :) and feeling guilty and dumb x100

Just a little warning, this is all over the place and not very proofread. It’s raw, very raw so Im gonna just hurry up and post it before i change my mind and then go back to watching Minecraft videos :/ sorry for any typos.

I don’t think anyone really understands how much this means to me.

Yes it’s simple keychain but for me it’s so much more than that.

It’s, in a way, a product from BTS, a group my siblings hate with xenophobic passion and my parents think are useless and silly, but also a group me, my friends, and so many people I love unconditionally, support. They’ve helped me discover myself— not the person I used to be almost 2 years ago. They’ve led me on the path, not only to success but to true self love. It’s crazy how a keychain I convinced my parents to get on amazon is making me get this emotional but I don’t think i’ve ever thought this could happen. (I’m just going switch to no caps because i’m lazy sorry)

to explain, my parents have this mindset that anything not related to academic success, or something that can bring me a lot of money and therefore them money is silly, taboo, and nonsense. And essentially whenever I ask for something the answers almost always no and a bonus or verbal degrading and a lecture. I know i’m probably being selfish as they say or inconsiderate but all I want is happiness..???? Anyways the only reason I ended up being allowed to have it was because we got my testing scores from my exams last year and they were acceptable by their standards...

Woooo i’m rambling. But i think it’s been a good turn of my week. School started on the fifth and it’s been surprisingly good :)) have a feeling that’s gonna change pretty soon but i’m trying to be positive here. After some homophobic comments from my siblings (not about me but about the community in general but you know how that affects me) and feeling sick I listened to the Hamilton soundtrack because— hear me out, I know it’s dumb but i don’t really know how to get into the musical theatre fandom..

Like with music or kpop you listen to music and learn about the artist, with PJO or other books you read the books (obviously) and etc but I don’t know if I should read the books or listen to the soundtracks 😭 for musicals.

— but yeah I did that.

And then the whole keychain thing :)

some more backstory is that... when friends that have liked groups for a shorter time than you have get all this merch and go to their concerts with the rest of your friends and you can’t go because of your strict parent, and if you were in my shoes... well, you would feel the same. But then again this is all probably irrational thinking :^/.

I feel like they think i don’t want to be friends with them —

(especially people Ive known for years. Shit hurts when someone you and your friend group recently became close with tells you that one of your best friends for over 5 years told them that they don’t know whether they like girls, something you wish you knew since you are also question your sexuality. And then you feel guilty because you haven’t told them and have told other people before them.)

—or that I don’t want to do these things and that I’m making up excuses but i’m not and it’s so fustrating. Not at them but my self or my parents or God or the world,, I don’t know. And once again i don’t know how to express this and all of my feelings get suppressed and I probably seem like a fake person because of all my mood swings.

I’m gonna hurry up and wrap this up before my fingers stop shaking and I realize all of this is dumb and delete a bunch of these paragraphs. If you read this far down I gonna feel hella embarrassed even if my identity is anonymous but thank you for reading this pitiful diary of mine :) 💞😕

[oakmd]

Congratulations ! You received 1,000+ followers !

Continue? ▶YES ▷NO

 Well, I can’t really express anything but amazement at such an accomplishment, and to be honest I’m pretty blown away that so many of you have stuck with me since the beginning of this blog, and that so many of you enjoy Professor Oak enough to stay. I’ll forever stand by the fact that this blog was the best 'joke’ I ever made, and probably one of the most fulfilling things I’ve actively kept at. 

As much as I hope this blog has helped you find comfort and laughter, RPing Professor Oak has definitely changed me for the better, as well. It has given me an outlet to heal parts of myself and provide help to others, and also pushed me to practice positivity even when I know I get so low sometimes that I don’t even want to try. Another bonus is that I have met wonderful people here, most of you just strictly friends on the dash, but I’ve also gained relationships with people that have extended into discord and I’m sure it has made all the difference this past year and a half. 

As usual, I’m not really a fan of long-winded gushes of emotion, so I’ll keep it short, but I would really like to have it be known that my love for Professor Oak has grown tremendously, in ways I would have never reached without taking the time to thoughtfully craft his backstory and work to develop him further. I know he’s a very nostalgic character that so many of us know and respect that I’m always very careful of how I choose to build on the image without ruining what’s already there.  Out of all my many muses here, this one has seemingly ( and surprisingly ) all at once snuck its way as my primary blog; the blog I always look forward to logging into the most, where I enjoy following your activity whether it be IC or OOC, and just generally enjoy being in the presence of people so passionate about a fandom associated with my childhood. I love this little corner of a community that has welcomed me and engaged with me and unknowingly kept me going, and to look back at my experience and see that I’ve had no trouble at all makes me feel really lucky.

There will never be a way to fully and accurately express my thanks, but I will say it anyway: thank you so much, and I hope that no matter where you go, and no matter what you do, you are trying to be your best, and that you’re happy. Professor Oak will always be there to congratulate you when you reach your dreams.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER ( because my mind is so scattered - ) special shout outs to special people: 

@timecapscle - wasn’t it you that said i’d one day get 1,000 followers? : ) you’ve literally supported me since the beginning and i just wanna say that i appreciate your enthusiasm for professor oak as much as i appreciate your enthusiasm for bill. its wonderful to see someone represent an otherwise under represented character and you do it well. i care for you so much, and wish nothing but good things for your future even if you want to do bad things in the name of science

@diligentseeker / @evolutionexpert  - someone i consider a cherished friend, despite how sporadic our interaction seems, i appreciate all our random long talks on discord, and i’ll never forget our very first conversation. it meant a lot to me, and i want to thank you. i dont meet a lot of ppl that i feel ‘get’ me on some unspoken level, so when it happens, its a nice surprise. anyway i won’t ramble because i take it you’re not one for praise, but im glad people like you exist. with that being said please stop making professor elm stress me out.

@undinaes - the moment you’ve been waiting for. SIKE! just kidding; its no surprise that you’re always filling my dash with testimonials from people that see you for what you are. you’re a beam of sunshine with all the qualities to match; warm, bright, and a natural source of energy that brings people together. your passion for writing is astounding and even when ppl dont deserve your kindness, you’re unbiased in giving it out. truly a mom through and through. but most importantly, ur my girlie and im glad we met :v

@ofpalletown - in my mind, you are practically ash, and ill be here to support you even during all your moments of Extra™ ... but aside from that you’re very loyal to your friends and full of something sunny that i can’t describe. ur gonna be okay, kid. so pls stop stressing out ur dear prof oak 

@03redd - i probably mentioned not long ago that your blog is really good, but ill say it again in case you weren’t listening. i love your blog? its very fun to follow, and i think you’re one of my favorite reds. even with me not being game verse, its so easy to just immerse myself in whatever nonsense you have red drag professor oak into. i dig your creative energy. 

@normaliium - and ofc i cant leave out my cousin. the one to be admired, the ever-successful, brilliant human being that loves me even when i take off ten years of your life each night. my life would lack such substance without you, and i will never forget all you’ve done to help me when i would otherwise be left to myself. you make me really proud to know you, you really do, and everyone i ever talk to you about can attest to that. #YOLO

@bossgiovanni - you haven’t been active in forever, but you remain one of my friends and that’s all that matters. from skype to discord, im glad we could stick together even with our blatant differences in opinion. you are always so nice to me and say the kindest things, and i just wanna say thanks. hope youve been doing well! you are capable of so much, and i believe in you, so don’t forget that. 

@agentmansley - can i jsut say thank you for staying true to your muse and throwing even the purest of characters into your mess? i have loved your blog long before i made professor oak, and you’re seriously one of the funnest people i’ve rp’d with here. everything i’ve written with you is refreshing and new, and never fails to make me laugh. thank you for your love for kent, and also for writing with me. i know you’ve been MIA for a while, but you’re definitely a memorable person. 

@tcssaiga - i dont have a lot of cross-fandom interactions so when they happen im usually pleased. you’ve got great characterization, and have perfect dialogue. i never watched a whole lot of inuyasha but i’ve atched enough to know that you’re pretty close to canon. thanks for the interactions even if you’re mean to prof oak on archer ; (

@askgarymfoak - MY LITTLE ACORN!!!! the dedication you have for gary honestly gives me so much life, and i love rping with you on discord and just yelling about sam / gary hcs. its always a highlight of my day and i can tell you’ve thought about gary and his life long and hard, and its so cool to see someone interested in all that makes him the Headache we all recognize and love. please never stop sharing with me the personal hcs you have for the boy, i always want to hear them. 

@futureheld - we don’t even rp with each other on this muse BUT youre one of my longest tumblr rp friends that i still talk to and you’re really important to me. we have history, we go back!!!! okay? #FRIENDSHIP n all that. but tbh id follow you on any muse because your writing is just great? id write any weird crossover with you because you have a talent for making it work seamlessly anyway. thanks 4 the memories, loser. 

@seviiserver - CELIO!!! we dont talk as much as we used to, or rather, we talk in bursts every now and then but i consider you one of my good friends! not only are u really talented in all things artistic, but i love your writing and it’s always enjoyable to read, even if its not one of our threads together. you made me have so much adoration for celio and like all the other ppl ive met who bring life to underrated / under-rp’d muses, i enjoy seeing everything you pour into him... AND ALSO I LOVE OUR OAK / ROWAN INTERACTIONS? i love them so much it hurts okay. even if its just silliness in discord it brightens my day. anyway perhaps one day we will cross paths in this sleepless city and i will finally teach u how to ride a bike.

@rottenrhythms - i know i dont have much to say or comment with whenever you message me on discord, but i admire how much detail you put into your characters and meta. im always impressed with all the work and thought you put into your world-building; i wish i had that much drive. also, you’ve made a lot of improvement with yourself from the time i first started talking to you on skype. be proud of your progress, and keep working at it, it’s worth it in the long run!

@lack--two NATE youre definitely a very sweet person, and perhaps a little more devious ooc than i’d imagined you would be ( at least to me, why must you poke me for reactions? ; ( u wound me ) but you’re a soothing presence to be around and im glad you were finally able to make discord work. bonus points for letting me yell about yugioh all the time. never stop being wonderful. im here for you whenever you might need a listening ear, okay? 

@loyalpika / @palletbloomer - #PRIKA!!! ever since i first followed you i remembered being blown away by your extensive headcanons on pikachu and i genuinely enjoy every blog you make! we dont talk OOC but from all your ooc posts you seem like a very caring older sister and thats nice to see; with you running around all the time, i hope you do get some rest every now and then! i hope our camaraderie never falters, take care friend! 

@thepkmnnurse - i cant forget all the love and support both you and your muse have for professor oak, and im happy you try to spread positivity on the dash whenever you can! we don’t talk much OOC but from what i can tell you’re just as kind and nurturing as nurse joy herself. i hope you’ve been taking it easy wherever you are, and i hope your days are bright!

@rebelracket - will there ever be a day that i dont enjoy seeing your delinquent muse causing havoc on the dash? your creativity is wonderful to witness and i enjoy clarissa so much, thank you for interacting with a pure ol’ muse like mine. i hope we can continue to keep writing together, im excited at where we might end up. p.s. your art is delightful.

@porttownprince - you’re a gentle presence on my dash but im glad that youre here and that you’ve stuck around despite all the bad things that followed you. i hope you can overcome all the trauma you’ve been through. thank you for being kind with me!

@nikkouki - i know i dont say much but i enjoy your random check ins with me on discord, and i think youre a sweet young girl. you’re gonna go far in life, just make sure you keep going! continue being a precious kiddo and don’t forget to study your japanese ; (

@viciousvainglory & @midoriyamight - i cant think of one without the other so accept this double-tag lol. you’ve both supported this blog since the beginning and i wont forget how welcome you made me feel! no matter what blogs you’re on im glad we can still be friends! you deserve the big toblerone! 

@fateandfury - my long time writing parter without knowing we were long time writing partners! the work you put into professor juniper is something to behold! we haven’t seemed to interact much despite rping professor muses, but that doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate your take on such a muse!

OTHER BLOGS TO BE ADMIRED ( also in no particular oder) : @sterlingsilverchampion @starmarkcd @pxgtails @satanstories @champofpallet @golden-oak @spriggaens @nurturen @florenselite @craniumaniac @ask-guzma @tenderpoison @gocatchem @faemoria @hikaup@writtenbykaichu @executiveariana @honoxtokage @simikami @bigcalavera @rotorotom @thehopcful @and-they-succeeded @metalprincess13 @keep-those-memories-away @hisvanity @attitxde @asmayflies @sesshcmaru @theagentlooker @ambcrly @kantocowboy @dauphindekalos @beareroftheblueorb @blastingxff @aquaelegance @bugeyesboutique @make-it-trouble  @thunderstonereject  @theagentlooker @soultattered @scvedbylove  @diluviumx @inevitabilis-sors @pokedouche @fightiniumz @firespun

I’M SO SORRY IF I MISSED PEOPLE, THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR SOMEONE SO SCATTER-BRAINED AND MEMORY-FOGGED AS ME. EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT INCLUDED AND EVEN IF WE’RE NOT MUTUALS, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT OF THIS BLOG. WITHOUT ANY OF YOU I WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN HERE.

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A GIVEAWAY!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[kondo-hijikata]

* pleeeease~ do not rebl0g, thank you!! <3 words are slashed to prevent this post from showing up in the tags*

okayyyy i’m back home and better than ever. i have a frick ton of things to scan and share with you guys. but before that, there are some blog ramblings to address for anyone interested.

first off, while i’m still posting hella r//k here, i’m going to start adding shinsen//gumi content from various sources. i’ll tag these posts accordingly in the event anyone wants to blacklist. i’m also working to update my tags page to reflect this content.

the second part of this post is a more personal note about my ongoing feelings regarding fandom and how they’ve changed for the better, so i’ll put it under the cut. if you’re on mobile, sorry for the wall of text you never wanted to read. #yikes

k, time for some honesty. for a long while, i felt like i don’t belong in the r//k fandom and many people who were already established didn’t want me here. if i read things incorrectly, i’m sorry, but it’s been a shitty recurring feeling for literally months. it really sucked a lot because it takes crazy amounts of time to screencap, tag, and manage my queue.

on my trip, however, i got to step away and that gave me a bit of clarity. for every person i feel who doesn’t want me here, there’s someone who i feel does. and when i factor in the number of people who decided to follow me, i realized how silly it is to worry about what i’ve been worrying about for so long.

i decided i don’t need to try pleasing everyone anymore. the time and effort i spend generating content for this blog is massive. i enjoy running it, so i’m doing so for the people who like my posts and don’t find my presence in the fandom offensive.

this all sounds pretty negative, but i don’t feel so bad anymore. i’m actually very grateful for the friends i’ve met here. it just took some time for me to figure things out. despite this fandom being super small, it’s also super fragmented (if you don’t love the main character or ship the most popular pairing, that is). i’m really okay with that; variety is good and we all don’t need to agree. what’s not cool is when people, whether knowingly or accidentally, make me feel like i’m doing something wrong for shipping a mlm pairing or having a different favorite character.

it sounds dramatic, but it’s true, unfortunately. i’ve been the recipient of some gross shit, anonymously and directly. i’ve heard it doesn’t make sense to ship two men. i’ve heard i absolutely CANNOT ship sai//sa because sai//to is completely hetero (and hence, turning me off to ever seeing him portrayed as straight. sorry, i don’t hate toki//sai shippers or discourage them from shipping what they love. i’m just bitter af). i’ve heard things like “uh, that’s...weird...but ok...i guess...” and “wow...you guys put a lot of time into this ship...” (like we shouldn’t because it’s not as ‘legit’ as another) and “i could NEVER ship that, that’s weird.”

things like that. i’m not directly quoting or making an exhaustive list here.

after all this nonsense, my friend (who is awesome) suggested i join the round robin thing that took place back in may and write about my ship--to which i basically was like, “hahahahahahaha.........no......i’m not welcome and neither is my pairing.“

that’s so shitty, guys. like, i spent so long thinking i was unwanted and unwelcome, that i was a lesser fan because of these stupid interactions. i would even get anxious in the first few months whenever posting things about my ship because i’d see my followers drop off or remember these stupid exchanges and feel i’m doing something wrong--when i know i’m not. so yeah, it’s been an experience.

adding insult to injury, i’ve had my work not tagged with a ship name on an event blog. a character name was mistagged as well, so if someone wanted to search for content using the tag page, my contributions would never be found. when i asked for this to be fixed, it wasn’t. i don’t think it was intentional, but it still contributed to all these bad things i was thinking and feeling.

ANYWAY. with all that being said and despite the negativity, there’s been a lot of positive things to counter it and i’m so so so soooo grateful again for the lovely people i’ve met and the wonderful friends i’ve made. that’s what it’s really about.

so~! i feel a lot better now and want to thank everyone who’s still here for sticking with me. i hope you enjoy my content, even if i scream like a lunatic in random text posts about how much i adore whatever character or ship making my heart pound at that time. lol

okay, well that’s that. if you made it this far, thanks for reading and caring enough to. <3

[dewitty1]

Saturday Six (Stuff)

I'd been feeling severely anxious and depressed about my business being dead, and the thought of having to talk to my parents and ask for help again, but luckily my whinging (an Ad) on Facebook seems to have worked, and I got a nice little customer job. Plus some stuff from my BFF and her family (possibly).( ´͈ ॢꇴ `͈ॢ)･*♡

Plus I'm getting weird customer messages. Always a good time.(⑅ ‘﹃’ )

Leeloo is a cute kitten, but she is seriously a little bit of a terrorist. When I say she gets into everything I mean it. (^・ω・^ )

I do not like having this sinus crud that's going around.(*｀へ´*)

I know both options for the USA presidency are terrible. But one (CHUMP) is more terrible. I'm tired of the argument. I'm gonna stick with the slightly better Grandpa Joe. Not because I love him, because I don't. But because he's the one that'll get us closer to where we need to go. We may take three steps forward and two steps back, but at least we're going in the right direction. Whereas the other guy has no idea where he's going. Maybe towards Vladimir. More likely than you think.( •̀ω•́ )σ

I can't believe I'm going to be five and a half decades old in a little over a month. Jfc. I don't feel that old. (•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑

[justonemoreepisodeuk-blog]

Little Britain

Hello and welcome to the fiftieth blogpost spectacular.  Looking back, it’s remarkable I’ve been able to draw this much rambling out of me, and even more remarkable that people have been reading it.  I hope you can appreciate that it’s a rollercoaster each time I press publish on one of these things.  I’ve had posts go wildly popular almost straightaway, like the Love Island one, and I’ve had carefully crafted pieces about hidden gems, like Wild Wild Country, struggle to get much traction.  All I have to ask is that everyone reads everything please.  It’s not worth missing out on my opinions just because you happen not to have seen every series and every episode of Bob’s Burgers.  The good news is that I have, so each post promises the perfect blend of subjective views and overly personal condescension.

But what show is getting this unique treatment for such a landmark milestone on Just One More Episode?  Little Britain.  There are many reasons for this.  The first is that I can’t believe I haven’t covered a sketch show yet.  There’s not really a sketch show I haven’t enjoyed.  You have the dizzying highs of a sketch whose punchlines open your eyes to an elevated form of comedy and you have the terrifying lows of jokes whose flat landings and laboured extractions make you question your will to live.  Constantly whiplashing between such strong sentiments is good for the soul, and it’s better to have a strong reaction than to feel meh about the whole thing and start checking your Whatsapp when you’re barely ten minutes into the appalling second series of Westworld.

The second is that the programme was hugely important in my life.  It was autumn 2003 and I had been packed off to university after seven years in the same school and eighteen years in the same village.  I was not good at meeting new people.  Luckily, my Little Britain DVDs had come with me (yes, DVDS; remember them?  This was the past after all) and rumour soon spread among the first years that I was willing to lend them out.  I was a bit like a Blockbusters of British comedy.  We would watch each episode as if we were discovering a new horizon in laughing out loud.  Then we would compare our impressions of the characters and debate endlessly and aggressively who was better.  Some of these new friends seemed cooler at the time than anyone I had ever come across. They lived in cities like London and had backpacked through foreign continents, whereas all my stories were about doing the trolleys at Cobham Waitrose. This BBC comedy united us.

And the third reason is that I recently spotted the show in the Netflix list of programmes that I might like (well done Netflix) and couldn’t resist clicking on it to see if it was a good as I remember and next thing I knew I had worked through all three series at the expense of any of the premium content I was consuming at the time (step aside, The Alienist).  This is where we need to handle Little Britain more carefully, as some of it has not aged that well.  It always trod a fine line, and that line has moved over time.  For example, Emily Howard seems like a harmless character. She is transgender, but the humour comes from numerous situations where her efforts to pass fall below expectations, exacerbated by her insistence not just on being a lady, but on being a stereotypical lady from a bygone age.  But, all these years later, I have to ask myself if we are just laughing at someone because they are transgender.  In the wokeness of 2018 (with the long way to go that we still have in many of these matters) it’s hard to be sure.

Similarly, Sebastian Love, the prime minister’s aide, is funny because of his badly hidden unrequited love, or are we just laughing at him for being gay?  Daffyd Thomas, the only gay in the village, veers towards a similar sense of uncertainty.  The bad taste doesn’t come from the jokes about rimming, but from the idea that homosexuality is ridiculous and laughable.  On the other hand, we shouldn’t expect single characters to represent whole diverse communities, but it’s good to talk about it, isn’t it? Having a little chat about contentious issues helps everyone spend more time in a constant panic they are offending someone.  And that’s better than being a bigot.  I think.

From its original home on BBC Three (RIP), Little Britain went from subversive to mega mainstream. The three series are remembered for their shocking and explicit moments: WI ladies that vomit on minorities, a Fat Fighters group leader spitting on Vanessa Feltz’s face, Bubbles DeVere’s fat suit with flappy tits and a bum crack that spreads realistically on bending over, bitty. But more than that, it was its quotability that gave it lasting mass appeal.  By 2005 you couldn’t move without someone saying “I want that one” or “yeah but no but yeah nut no.”  Criticism began to stick about its lowest common denominator appeal, relying on catchphrases and offensive willy content to please the great unwashed and the great uneducated, resulting in no great art at all.  “Bring back repeats of Are You Being Served?,” whined the more conservative people, “at least that only had innuendo.”  But had Britain lost its subtlety?

This brings me onto my favourite thing about Little Britain: the lines you don’t remember.  Everything was so well observed, but filtered through a lens of ridiculous absurdity.  Sure, it was quite a chuckle whenever Andy told Lou that he wanted that one, but it was even funnier when Lou would deliver a throwaway line enlightening us on a previous opinion of Andy’s regarding the matter in hand: “And besides, you don't like George Michaels. You said that Jesus to a Child aside, you found his output emotionally vapid.”

Let’s deconstruct an example, with my all-time favourite quotation from Vicky Pollard:

“I know cos we was all down the arcade and Kelly flobbed on Destiny and a bit landed in my hair.  Cos Kelly hates Destiny.  Cos Destiny told Warren that Kelly pads her bra.  It’s true; Nathan reckons he put his hand down there and pulled out a bag of Jelly Tots.”

1.       The names – we immediately imagine the types of people that have names like Destiny

2.       Down the arcade – nothing aspirational ever happened in an arcade, and being down anywhere is the accurate precursor for trouble ensuing

3.       Flobbing – a great piece of British slang that we frankly don’t say enough; we vividly picture it hanging off Vicky’s hair in a big lump

4.       Girls hating each other – remember school, everyone?

5.       Padding a bra – see above

6.       What Nathan reckons – the word of a lad being enough to condemn a young lady’s virtue.  Isn’t the world unfair?

7.       Jelly Tots – oh I forgot about this brand, but thank goodness I am being reminded of it now as its reference is increasing my nostalgia and amusement

Again, are we just laughing at poor people? Probably.  Sorry.

I’ve already said too much, but I really want to list out some of my most beloved, yet widely underrated characters, so I’m doing it anyway:

Anne and Dr Lawrence

David Walliams in a dress going “eh eh eh” doesn’t sound great on paper, but hearing him answer the phone in a perfectly civilized manner and apologise for being rude before creating havoc is a unique juxtaposition.  But are we just laughing at mental health?  Probably.

Sir Bernard Chumley

Rather than being a national treasure, this retired actor is confined to a council flat with his equally elderly sister, Kitty. His vile desperation, whether it be for extra Meals on Wheels or for the chance to manhandle aspiring younger men, leads to some harrowingly dark scenes.

Mr Mann and Roy

The concept got done to death, but there was something so simple yet so artistic about this awkward customer and hapless shopkeeper. I just don’t know if Margaret ever got out of the store room, as she didn’t have any arms or legs.

I’ll stop here.  David Walliams and Matt Lucas, whatever they were making fun of, could turn themselves into such a wide array of believable characters, that each scene felt real despite its absurdity.  The former is now a children’s author whose books I have read to my niece, whilst I once spotted the latter in a café and secretly hoped he had overheard how funny I was being with my friends.  Both are now firmly established in the British comedy hall of fame, and rightly so.  Around 15% of my speech is influenced by the nonsense that they crafted, so it’s only fitting I leave you with a definitive quotation from Tom Baker’s berserk narration of each episode: “Britain, Britain, Britain.”

[recoverydailyblog-blog]

Recovery Daily - Day 1

Hi! If you’re new, go read the Introduction Post!

--- 

I slept last night! What a happy thought to wake up to. I didn’t think I would, or rather, I was afraid I wouldn’t. I was so anxious going to bed last night, I’d spent nearly every minute since the moment of breakdown (MoB) with another human being in sight and now it was going to be just me. 

- I was going to comment on how strange that sounded coming from a twenty-something, but then I thought of how often I’d end up doing that over the course of this blog, so I just won’t comment from now on. Roll with me, kay? -

Anyway, I lay there in the dark last night, acutely aware of the edges of my body, where I ended and the rest of the world began. I haven’t been as aware of that in as long as I can remember. It’s a scary place sometimes. But lay there I did, my protection from the world being my blankets (I have many) and my big comfy headphones that saved me from being alone with my thoughts. Music is weird at the moment, it has to be just. right. Luckily I found something:

“Bibo No Aozora” - Ryuichi Sakamoto

And eventually, mercifully, I drifted off to sleep. I did wake up a few times during the night, but fell quickly back to sleep each time. I woke up early enough and lay awake for a while, still heavy with the exhaustion I’ve dragged with me since the MoB - such a extreme weariness, I can’t remember ever feeling similar - but before long my Mother got me up; we had a doctor’s appointment to keep... 

I don’t know what I was expecting from the doctor’s appointment. He’s our GP, he’s very nice and he’s known us for years, but really there was little he could offer me. He listened to what I’d been through, made sure I wasn’t in any immediate danger, prescribed me some anti-depressents (I don’t think I’ll use them, nothing against them, just don’t think I need them at this stage) and an open referral to this psychiatry practice in town. The way he spoke of them didn’t inspire confidence, to say the least, so I think I’ll look elsewhere for help. This was my first contact with the outside world since the MoB, and I got through it pretty well, but getting in the car to drive home I was tearful, panicky and reeling ever so slightly with tiredness. Still, the first time is done! 

It’s an interesting thing, trying to get through a day, when so little feels right. Sitting doing nothing doesn’t work, you fall prey to the thoughts and the emotions. I’m a musician but unfortunately I’m at the stage where I understand music too well to not think while I play, but not well enough to not think when I play. Yes I know how that sounds, roll with it please (thanks x). Basically, playing music isn’t an option, yet. Netflix does it’s thing of presenting tons of amazing looking things that don’t quite fit the mood right now (apart from this quiet little gem of a show, but I’m trying to ration myself). Listening to music helps if it’s the right thing, but I find I need something visual to accompany it. Gaming helps, I’m not a gamer but I play Assassin’s Creed. Playing with headphones on is wonderfully immersive, but the nature of the game means it makes me very tense very quickly, which I can feel turning to mild panic, and so switch it off. Books work, but only for very brief periods. RubyEtc’s book is terrific, and oh-so-relevant right now. But even this, I need to close after a brief handful of minutes. So I’ve been jumping from one thing to another, grinding out the hours. It's getting me by so far!

I tried napping in the afternoon, because I Need To Take Naps, but also because I needed to take a nap. Failed unfortunately, tired as I was it was also time for the angry sea of insecurities to start rolling and roiling. These are too many and too varied to even begin to list now. I’m sure they’ll pop up along this journey when a specific one becomes particularly relevant! So after an hour or two of lying there, trying to nap, half browsing Netflix on my phone, somehow watching an entire episode of Prof. Brian Cox’s ‘Wonders Of Life’, I gave up.

I called my girlfriend instead. I messaged her last night after it all Went Down, but we hadn’t spoken since then. She had a busy college day, and I can not do small talk right now. Anyway, we talked, for a while, but it wasn’t a good idea. She’s a deeply wonderful and good person, and has been unbelievably supportive of me over the last few months in particular (this whole thing didn’t come from nowhere, believe me!), but today just happened to be a day college work was getting to her, and she was miles away on the phone. It helped to hear her voice, but that was about it. Absolutely 100% not her fault, she happens to be a human person, just shit coincidence. 

This evening I sent her a message, more of an outpouring really, a good lump of emotional nonsense with a tiny little pathetic request for her to reach out a little more and a lot of apologies for not being a Proper And Stable And Not Fucked-Up boyfriend. She took a little while, then sent back a really awesome message, that put everything to rights (until the next time my insecurities act up, but shhh for now). Ah, she’s magnificent really, and I do love her. I’ll see her in a couple of days. That’ll be nice.

Yesterday after the blinding panic and immediate emotional upheaval had subsided, I called my brother. I needed to see him, I needed him to come home. Try as I might I couldn’t hold it together on the phone, and I think I freaked him out a little, but he was an absolute trooper and moved heaven and earth to get his work shift off today and tomorrow so he could be here with me. He brought me three donuts from this amazing place near his college too, what a legend of a brother! It’s been great having him around, just his presence. I think we’ve always drawn strength from each other, whether we realised it or not. The day definitely improved when he came home anyway.

With the whole family together the energy in the house came right up, and I think I rode that wave for the rest of the evening. I had a couple of slumps, when the feelings of failure and panic threatened to overwhelm, but each time I grabbed my Mother, who’s been a quasi therapist to me since day 1, and just splurged whatever thoughts and feelings I had at her. That decision to talk whenever things started to become too much is definitely a sign of strength I didn’t think I still had. Things like that give me hope I’ll get through this.

- I apologise for the long, rambling style of this first post. If you got this far, thank you for staying with me! I don’t know how I’m going to end up formatting this blog, right now I guess it’s more important that I simply write, rather than worrying about the ‘how’s of it and risk missing days. Bear with me, I implore you, I’ll get the hang of it eventually! - 

So, Day 1 over. Hopefully I’ll never have to go through that again. Day 2, here I come.

Take care of yourselves,

RD

Day 2