#Anyway i keep thinking abt how i really want top surgery but i have to blow up my life first and i dont feel like i have it in me

[blinkbats]

I really dont know how im ever gonna feel like a real person and im really really tired of trying so hard and never getting anywhere

[drdemonprince]

hey! i have a question abt your cruising guide if you don't mind, regarding something that (unless i totally missed sth, in which case i'm very sorry for wasting your time) i felt was completely absent but happens to be my main concern. (i'm already a huge slut, so anonymous/short term sexual encounters in themselves aren't the issue for me.) i'll put it bluntly: how am i supposed to pick anyone up in a gay male cruising space (irl/not on an app) when i look like a woman? i'm not a total stranger to gay bars, which is why i'm very sure that people in a cruising space are far, far more likely to take me as an intruder looking to be pleasantly scandalized than someone like them who they might want to have sex with, not to mention have sex with as a man(-adjacent). i also know it's likely that i'm projecting at least some of my dysphoria onto these hypothetical encounters, but it doesn't seem like an unjustified fear, either. i (fwiw: perisex, afab, some type of agender-nonbinary) have been on t for abt 9 months now, but i haven't had top or bottom surgery (i want both but so far it's unclear when that is going to happen) and my breasts are too large to be really concealed by a binder (not to mention that i can't fuck in a binder bc they give me awful headaches), i'm very short and ~curvy~, i have very little body/no facial hair, and people in casual daily interactions certainly don't hesitate to address me as a woman. it just seems preposterous to assume that there's anything abt me a man looking for another man could be attracted to. i guess it's possible someone could be a chaser after my specific type, but that's not an encounter i want to have right now. as far as my question to you is concerned, i want to have sex with a man who is into men, and at the very least won't see me as a girl wanting to be fucked like a man. i know that there is no way to objectively predict these things, experiences and tastes vary and so on, but i would be extremely grateful if you could share some of your experiences or give me some other pointers for how to approach this/what to expect. as it is, if i were to enter a darkroom, i assume i would be asked to leave, but preemptively telling myself that it's hopeless and to forget abt it for at least the next several years seems unnecessarily cruel, too. if there's any advice or experience you can share, thank you so so so much, and if not, thank you anyway for taking the time to read this letter of woe and for putting your perspective out there, it's been a balm to be understood. wishing you all the best x

Buddy -- it is (largely!) your dysphoria talking! Lots of queer men will wanna fuck you and they will wanna do it in a queer way. I walked around Steamworks fully tiddy out regularly and I had a great time.

It's true that in more general gay bars people will sometimes misread you, and that it will hurt, but trust me that lots of queer men are already attracted to you. If anything, I've noticed that in general queer spaces cis gay men sometimes default to assuming that you won't be interested in them and give a polite distance that they will happily do away with if they know you're looking and welcome their attention. A lot of guys don't want to accidentally be predatory to someone who they think might be a lesbian or not interested in men. (Again, being mistaken for something you are not really fucking sucks and can drive your dysphoria crazy, I get it, but do keep in mind that sometimes people do this out of a desire to be respectful, not because they're turned off that you're such a Womanly Woman or whatever.)

My first recommendation for you would be to GET ON GRINDR. Post some pics that make it clear what you're working with, physically, and list your identity clearly on your profile. When I first got a grindr I had a really slutty abs-and-underboob pic that got me a TON of attention from queer men, who treated me like a man, and it immediately assuaged all my concerns that I wasn't welcome on there. I think it will do a lot for your self-confidence and sense of belonging to try the same too.

Now, I don't want to be pollyannaish about any of this -- yes there are transphobes. In my experience they're mostly pretty quiet to trans men, they'll just pass you by for the most part. Yes there are people who will say awkward things. Block liberally and often and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. But honestly, these are the kinds of issues you will run into within any dating platform, and the gay world is pretty damn blase and chill about the inclusion of trans men for the most part. You can absolutely put yourself out there -- and the sooner you do, the sooner you'll realize that your insecurities are not rooted in the reality of how other queer men mostly feel.

I wish I had put myself out there YEARS earlier! A lot would have changed for me if I had.

[chaos-and-sparkles]

Presenting:

Prowler Pavitr <3<3

Here's Pavitr's design in my Prowler Pavitr au akjdskjdskjkskdsk! It's my au where Pavitr is a fallen hero who used to be Spider-Man and becomes the Prowler, fueled by rage against a world and a system that forced him to pretend at perfection and then only hurt him and the people he loves.

I love him so much,, I have so much stuff in progress about him rn (working on the fics too). Gonna have chaipunk front and center, and like four separate plot arcs, I'm so insane about this au actually -

Anyway here's some infodump about his design inspirations and symbolism I put in it, I loveeeee talking abt him:

Hair -

Okay so this is after some time, like a couple months since Pav became the Prowler, and he's grown his hair out a bit now. It's kind of a mix of rejection of the "masculine" standard of short cropped hair by flaunting his longer curls that he's always been proud of and even had to grow to love He also dyes his hair purple! Bc he didn't wanna cut his hair but he wanted to do something to set himself apart from his old identity and also he's literally an impulsive 17-18 year old and wanted to do something that felt like owning his own self and asserting autonomy over his body etc etc

Something Borrowed -

The tie that he's using to tie back his hair is his original blue headband!! It doesn't go with his outfit at all but It's the original blue headband that Maya Aunty got for him all those years ago that he's been wearing forever and it snapped and broke in the battle that preceded what happened to her, and he still keeps it and ties his hair back with it instead The nosering (nath) used to be Gayatri's, they used to try out her jewelry on him and he loved that one so much she gifted it to him, and since he's basically left his old life and gone no contact with her it's all he has left of Gaya too

Main Outfit -

His jacket is loosely based on Krrish's leather jacket from the Bollywood movie series that's about a superhero named Krrish. I just think it has the dramatique and vibe Pav would like He binds his chest bc he still hadn't had top surgery but he's way more open about it, with the binding showing through the neck of the jacket now where he would have never dared to hint at it before,,, another thing about how he doesn't care about people's opinions and perceptions and standards anymore, he wants to say fuck you as much to everything in the system as he can and also piss people off while he's at it and a trans antihero/villain is a surefire way to do that. His dhoti is basically a dhoti pant, modified a bit bc i liked it

He has payals on his feet that make a faint chhan chhan noise when he approaches which has creepiness and cuteness potential imo I basically turned the prowler logo into his dhoti belt buckle askjdsjk

It's also slightly modified to mimic a trishul or even a diya shape, up for interpretation either way, bc trishuls are a symbol of Shiva, god of destruction, and diyas are a symbol of light in the darkness and the need to find it Also the chain around the dhoti at his hips is both a reference to decorative dhoti chain accessories and the lil things on it are his modified grenades that he uses for arson, bc Prowler Pav is big on arson and murder ajajsjsj

Prowler Claws -

His bangles/claws were hands down my favourite part to design!!

So his claws are of course his original spiderman bangles modified into the prowler claws But i based them on three weapons, each of which means something interesting for Pavitr

The first is bagh nakh. Literally translates to "tiger claws", famously used in a legend of Shivaji Maharaj They usually curl into the palm instead of going between the fingers like they do for Pav, but they're basically metal claws wound secretly around your hand for a sneak attack It's associated with bravery and righteous rage bc of Shivaji Maharaj but it's also really associated with stealth and an attack from unexpected quarters, being stabbed from a side no one saw coming. Which. Pavitr. The perfect hero, becoming the Prowler. Come on

Second is the trishul, aka trident That's the reason there are three prongs to his claw Trishul is the symbol of the god Shiva, and as i mentioned he's the god of destruction, as in he's part of the main triumvirate of gods who focus on creation preservation and destruction He also is really really associated with rage, especially destructive rage; he has a whole dance called the tandava for his rage which is a Huge Deal I can't stress this enough And because Prowler Pav is a being fuelled by rage against a system that has hurt so many including him that he wants to destroy and see burned, it is perfect for him The trishul is also seen as a symbol of goddess Kali, who's similar in the destruction goddess aspect and also is literally an embodiment of rage and violence that cannot be controlled which is more the theme I started out with, but whichever you notice first, it works either way. There's a whole myth in fact where Shiva had to lie beneath her feet to stop her destructive rampage before it ended the world.

And lastly, the urumi, aka the whip sword from Kerala Basically each of Prowler Pav's claws extend into whip swords when he does the swing/slash/whip motion This is really interesting at least to me, bc it means 2 things: 1) Pav still remembers and is actively using some of his skillset from swinging around as Spiderman. He does use the urumis to curl around distant objects and swing too, and they are very lethal weapons when used right, and that use requires a lot of skill, huge parts of which he built up by his experience 2) This is a weapon which requires an unimaginable amount of control, precision and strength And Pav is doing all that So all of his actions, every movement, is very deliberate and thought out. He's not doing any of this - turning away from heroism, becoming the Prowler, using these lethal weapons - on a whim. They are all very very deliberate.

Also one more thing - the blades of his claws are all retractable ofc But they are not protected or anything They slice up his palms and the in-betweens of his fingers whenever he uses them,, especially when he uses them as urumis And it would be so easy to fix the design or make gloves or smth so they don't do that But he doesn't ever do it He could make it so his hands don't bleed on using his claws But he doesn't want to

He is an angsty boyo...

Mask -

The eyes are ofc like the prowler mask design except I made them more curved and curled at the end bc that's a kind of shape often seen in traditional art of the headdress of Kali, goddess of uncontrollable violence as I've said before Then the part between them is meant to be based off a third eye, which is something both Shiva and Kali have. It opens at the height of their rage, it's meant to symbolise destructive fury for them both Although it's also used in an all seeing context otherwise but a lot of whitewashed bullshit is also there that dilutes sources to find connotations His theyyam-based tusks from his Spider-Man mask, I wanted to keep

The shape below the eyes is based off the noses in masks in various regional Indian tribal and traditional masks,,, a lot of them tend to have a very distinctive curly nose shape that I wanted to keep, a lot of these masks also depict rage or are intimidating and are very emotive And then ofc you have the bottom of the mask, I made the curved-ish cut based on the peacock-feather-y shape i was using but it's also based on the general shape of Kali's lips in traditional art where she has her tongue out, it's a big symbol of her rage and rampage I tried to put the tongue too but it looked awkward and honestly i thought it would be cooler to jsut leave the bottom half of the mask open and you can see Pav's mouth and his expressions through it a bit instead, in the spirit of that And also it's based a little bit off Krrish's mask, you can never escape the Krrish design Also there's the lil teeth. Those are often used in art for demons and animals,, and Prowler Pav is very cat coded in his behaviour in general tbh. He's like if an orange cat's fur got burned to black.

Anyway, so yeah, that's him!

[mayxo-hxh]

Hi, I love your take on Hisoka, it's made me view him in a different light. I was wondering what ur take on illumi is? Do you have any headcanons for him? I saw ur post on Hisoka being shy, do u think Illumi is the same? (If u have any hisoillu headcanons too I'd love to hear them) :D

Hello!! Im really happy to hear that :)

I have LOOOTS of hcs for the both of them!! Ive been fixated on these two for four whole years i genuinely have too much to mention in one post lol so if you have any specific questions about specific hcs, do tell me!! Its a bit difficult to answer very broad questions like this bcs i dont know where to begin haha;;

I can very confidently say though, Illumi is absolutely nowhere near shy. At least-- not by the definition. In my eyes, Illumi is a very blunt and straightforward person with no social filter. I do like to think when it comes to hisoillu in general Illumi gets flustered here and there when dealing with his husband like any normal human in love is to be. But when it comes to being an actual shy introvert like hisoka-- absolutely not. You can tell the difference between how Illumi deals with people vs Hisoka. Hisoka is like the textbook definition of an introvert-- someone who constantly avoids people unless he wants to be the center of attention (mainly negative attention so it keeps people away anyways)

General hisoillu hcs would be... I like to humanize them. I like giving Illumi moles, stretch marks and arthritis from his transformation and eyebags from the amount of times he stays up for his missions. Also scars from his training that are faded. For hobbies I like to think hes extremely interested in learning. Just learning. Whatever hes learning doesnt matter, but knowledge is a very prominent fact about him and the zoldycks in general. So while I hc hes extensively knowledgable about anatomy and the economic and political states of the world (those pretty much canon tho lol) and the world in general, I like to always write him extending his knowledge in fics like learning a new language in his spare time or reading books in general. I could expand much more on hobbies including people watching and hanging out with his siblings but i feel like if there is a tumblr word limit i would 1000% exceed it lol.

I like to give Hisoka freckles on his tan skin (in the manga his skin is quite tan) that he hides and many more scars that are also hidden like he'd hide his arm scars after machi healed them. also the one time togashi drew him with hip dips. I liked that! I like to give him a human backstory like initially having a family that he either abandoned or was abandoned by to go on his own journey (not necessarily tragic, though i do not think tragic backstories take away from a character no matter how evil tbh. If anything, I strongly believe that babies are blank slates when it comes to morals until theyre taught otherwise by their environment.) And positive hobbies like cooking for himself because he only ever relies on himself and doesnt trust anybody else, which also goes with the hc of him not being a fan of taking any medication so hes a "tough it out" girlie. which also consequently affects other hcs like my trans hisoka hc and him not getting top surgery until after he married illumi because he does not trust a mf to put him under during it but he does trust illumi-- ITS A LOOONG STORY

I also like to consider their reoccurring personality traits as symptoms for neurodivergence. Like Illumi's bluntness and overly honest personality being autism and his highly emotional sides to him being BPD (i do have a thread on that!) and for Hisoka his hyperactivity and addiction for stimulating fights as ADHD (the adhd video i made abt him covers some of it lol) and you could argue a personality disorder for him as well to match with his hubby.

Also the queer hcs like i mentioned, transmasc genderfluid hisoka that doesnt mind all pronouns that i also hc as demiaroace and pansexual/bisexual while for Illumi I hc him as gay demiaroace agender, etc. These help a lot in figuring out their identities too.

Stuff like that are just the "layouts" for them in my brain that help me immensely when writing fics for them. You have to know everything extensively for the actions that they make to come naturally so when you throw them in a situation, you immediately know how they'd react (ex: sick hisoka would refuse to take meds, or more specifically like in my fic tolerate me darling hisoka was cramping and refused to take pain meds for it so illumi had to use his pins etc etc)

Those are pretty much the surface hcs i have for them that I always consider when it comes to any scenario or extra hc or fic/art or anything. For anything very specific, you'd have to ask about it for my brain to remember ehehe ^^

[possibilistfanfiction]

hi i just wanted to say thank you for writing about queerness the way that you do - it’s incredible and has been immensely helpful to me lately. like i’ve agonized over wanting a haircut and a binder and to change my pronouns and have never had the courage to do anything about it, but reading your stuff is making me want to go through with it all. i had to pause a few times as i read your most recent piece (ava’s pov of butch bea) because i was overwhelmed with relief seeing ava and bea want that stuff too. i didn’t realize wanting it could feel so freeing. like i’ve never seen queer people written like that before, and never knew i needed to see it until now. it’s helped me feel okay about wanting the aforementioned things, and also okay about not knowing what i want or how i want to be. all around your fics are so healing and enlightening as far as gender and sexuality go, and gender and sexuality aside they are also flat out masterpieces. i cannot even begin to describe how much they, as well as your other posts on the subject, mean to me. thank you so much

:) thank u!

& i will say that i have spent the better part of the last 15 or so years just vibrating around trying to figure out what makes me feel good, especially in my body & how others perceive it. which is really hard! but trying stuff rocks — i figured out i wanted top surgery but not to transition in other medical ways bc i got a binder! the peace i felt with one felt right, & then i got to explore from there. i have had … so many haircuts lol & most of them have been good! (imo everyone deserves to buzz their hair at least once & just. deal with it lmao. a rite of passage.) now i don’t give a fuck about “what side of the store” clothes are on bc i know exactly what i want clothes to fit & feel like, & i have a tailor, so i just pay more attention to fit & fabric than i do any “men’s” or “women’s” demarcations, especially when most of the places i shop are mostly just vaguely androgynous earth tones anyway lol.

(of course this is with the caveat that there’s enough safety/financial stability but) try everything! especially stuff that’s not at all permanent!

there’s no way i would know what makes me happy & peaceful now if i didn’t try stuff in the past! do i want to wear button downs & chinos & have ppl call me sir?? no i would rather pErish. but did i always know that! of course not, & i got to have the space to try how that would feel. i definitely also know that i never want people to think i’m straight (lol but ppl are stubborn); i had a weird summer bc my hair was rly long, which i loved, but then started to feel just dissonant about… occasionally a little panicked by? (in addition to some transphobic nonsense thru work, which ofc doesn’t help). but once i sat down & was like what the fuck is going on — & felt safe enough to just sit for DAYS in dysphoria to try to figure out the root of it — i was like oh ok cool, easy, i can fix this. i knew i didn’t want to cut my hair rly short again (probably never again or at least for a Long Time, i don’t like ppl thinking i’m a man), but i didn’t wanna keep it long, so i was like ok great, stupid masc bob here we come, & my hairstylist is queer & has a soft butch wife, so i was set lol. but without getting to have space for the past decade to just try things, & to learn how to sit in dysphoria thru therapy rather than just Run Away from the feeling every time, that would’ve been a lot harder to navigate. i used to be VERY adamant abt they/them pronouns but i don’t feel that way anymore, & nothing earth shattering happened or has happened, i just… don’t care. i care more abt my privacy & agency than abt disclosing identity & experience than i do a pronoun, & so i get to make that choice whenever i want, which has been rly wonderful. & getting to try things will help you learn where ur most comfortable, especially as u continue to grow & change.

& like… it’s fun! queerness is so fun! i think beas queerness is fairly ~fraught~ canonically for obvious reasons but in any universe it’s nice to just let her take a fucking breath. kiss a girl, put on a hoodie, cut your hair, take a nap by the beach. it’s not so serious, not all the time. & ava is just FUN, her queerness is so so bright. to me it’s always just seemed like she was never Not queer bc ava has so much life to live & so so much to discover abt herself & the world. she’s falling in love with everything all the time, & with Wonder! & of course that includes queerness! it’s at the center of it bc it’s who you are & who you love, but it’s also just… people, & connection. i used to write rly angsty shit abt being queer & in moments of indulgence i do still enjoy a romp ofc to flex those wow sin & hell & an orgasm being so holy muscles lol, but queerness is my everyday life, & it shows up in the soft happy places more than anywhere else.

anyway, try everything!! especially a binder (bind safely!!!!!) & pronouns, even just online or w a few of ur ppl. if there’s a word you like for your identity, try writing it somewhere or just telling a friend (i texted my best friend that i liked the word ‘dyke’ a lot after having made ‘dyke on main’ jokes abt myself for ten years … we both just laughed). & of course haircuts & clothes are so fun, & they should get to be fun!

but even beyond that (& part of why i think ppl like reading stuff i write, maybe?) is that like so much healing for me in pleasure & peace in my queerness is so tied up in those same feelings abt … everything. food! sex! moving my body! my home! small acts of service! luxury! softness! skincare! the ocean! like whew, waking up & being like this brings me quiet joy, mary oliver was RIGHT, just lets the whole world kinda shimmer. not loudly, not in any remarkable way, but eating good food & having a good beer with someone who sees you for who you are; fresh flowers in the vase; LINEN PANTS; the dog asleep at your feet — all of those things to me are both queer & holy, inextricably together in my life. my wife’s queerness is very compatible w her religion & spirituality, & that’s rly rly beautiful to get to be around. queerness is abt deep care, too, in small ways: checking up on a friend after top surgery, still masking indoors, keeping my dog on lead unless i know her recall will be perfect. it shapes every part of my life. to me the mundane is the most glorious thing, & i have figured things that i love bc, for as scary as trying stuff can be (what if people see me? what if i hate it?) — you know, the most important question: what if you love it?

[lacefuneral]

no one asked but i try to be educational about my experiences with transness when i can, and today i'm thinking abt my top surgery

(surgery description, nipples, me being kind of tmi)

ok so i had a double-incision top surgery, which is the top surgery most frequently depicted in artwork and spoken about.

when i had top surgery i didn't know (or care) about alternative surgeries. i knew about keyhole, which i did not qualify for on account of my massive tits (not a humblebrag)

i did not know about T anchor, which is a surgery that leaves the exact same scars as double incision, plus an additional vertical scar leading from the bottom of the nipple to the scar below it, forming an upside down T shape.

the primary difference, aside from scarring, is that T anchor leaves the nipples intact. the extra incision allows the surgeon to move the nipples to where they should be on the chest without cutting into the stem. meaning, the likelyhood of retaining FULL sensation is greatly increased

whereas with double incision, the nipples have to be cut off of your body, trimmed, and grafted back on in the correct place.

the result is unpredictable, and this is an instance where "your milage may very" is EXTREMELY apt. because some people have full sensation. some people have none. some people have one or both nipples fall off during the healing process (usually as a result of not properly caring for them) - it's um. it's wild. a lot of stuff going on there, with nipple grafts.

because, yeah, you can go to the best surgeon in the world, and that increases your chances of success. but then it also comes down to: how well does your body heal - and - are you putting in the work to make sure that you aren't disturbing the stitches, changing your bandages properly, keeping the incision sites clean, etc. and then the final factor is time.

i had surgery in april of 2016. my nipples survived the ordeal, although they look very different from one another. the right nipple looks like a real nipple, while the left looks more like it was formed from areola tissue. i do not know the story, nor do i want to. (the thought of my surgeon fucking up in the operating room distresses me, so i'd rather not think about it)

i had no sensation in my chest anywhere for at least a year. over time, i gradually gained sensation in different areas. for a long time, the sensation meant for my nipples were somehow misdirected to my surgical scars. i would say that at least some of that feeling remains there now. obviously ask first, but your man may enjoy having his scars rubbed when he's healed up. just a T4T tip from me 2 u.

anyway, the nipples themselves had NO sensation at all. for YEARS. and then (and sorry, this is gross) in 2021, i noticed that my left nipple appeared to have some sort of cyst or zit. now, i have OCD. and more specifically, dermatillomania. so after i dealt with the left side, i looked at the right to see if there was anything similar. i squeezed the nipple in various areas, only to realize that, as i continued, i was in PAIN.

and i was so, so ecstatic about this. because i realized that i could help the nerves wake up by stimulating the area. my right nipple now has full sensation, or something close to that.

my left, though? there's a marked difference. hardly any sensation at all, even in my attempts to "wake it up." so i'm not getting my hopes up about it, especially because it is made from different breast tissue than the right.

but yeah, while sensation isn't 100% where it was prior to surgery, my chest overall does have feeling when i touch it.

and also, despite the left nipple being, in my mind, "pretty much dead", it still reacts to temperature and touch in the way you would expect a nipple to. so it "knows" it's a nipple. and i think that's really weird? cool?

this has been jay's nipple corner

[serenstars]

i'm aware i'm getting very ahead of myself by thinking abt this shit in act 2 but i keep thinking abt Aeron and Vesper post-game (ESPECIALLY VESPER) and how they're gonna live the rest of their lives. i'm keeping it flexible in case i fuck up somewhere along the line playing through but i have visions. putting under a read more bc this is crazy long i have too many ideas

i think Aeron would just return to the same life she lived before the nautiloid. it's familiar, but more than anything it's really convenient for having a commitment to a vampire; she was already living most of her life at nighttime, and she has even more reasons not to change that now. the only thing that really changes is she's not going to see herself as a tool anymore, won't let people exploit her so easily. and if she does start to slip in that regard, Astarion definitely will call it out before it gets too far. they'd probably elope after a few years; she's not the marrying type but family is important to her because of her loss so i think she'd want the social impact of being married but without any big celebratory aspect. i think children would be similar to her; something she's scared of because of her own past, but has already shown a feeling of obligation to taking in and protecting children. she wouldn't have kids of her own but i think given time to grow up more and mature, she'd probably start taking in children who don't have anyone or anywhere to go in her 30s.

most important for her though, i think post-game finally brings her back to her family. she's gone all this time not knowing if they're alive or dead, and kind of just assuming the worst but in my mind i imagine. Astarion working in secret to find information on her family, figure out what they've been doing for the past decade, if they're alive, where they've been, where they are now. i envision the reunion being a complete secret to her and blindsiding her which y'know, probably not the smartest way to approach it but he means well. i think the biggest part of the rest of her life is just, she's back with her family. she's the cool aunt

and then with Vesper and Gale they're totally going back to Waterdeep with all the animals they collected over the adventure, getting married (everyone they've ever met is invited), and having like 5 kids. also i think post-game Vesper finally feels confident enough to pursue more physical transition, getting top surgery probably after the first three kids? also can i say being a househusband is gender affirming for drow trans men. anyway less elaborate on my ideas for Vesper post-game i mostly just get lost in wanting to draw family pictures 🥺 ok

[urboymutual]

hi, a veteran of parental deterfifying process. rule number one is that you've got to be patient - and not in a way that you've got to put up with your mom's bs, but in a way that you've got to brace yourself for something that might take a while. small steps are good here, as well as systematic exposure. don't flood with information - sneak it in, then sneak it in more often. don't give up. you deserve to be understood. good luck & stay safe

hi anon thanks for actually like . replying to the point of the original post ����💗

um im gonna explain my situation more under the read more because it may be triggering tw transphobia tw csa mention tw suicide mention

so ive been out since i was 14 years old so its been about 6 years i wanna say. but lord knows ive been patient 😭😭 i think in the beginning it was kinda a battle we would constantly argue but i never really felt like. she would get to be this bad? like its like her brain is rotting by t/rf and anti trans rhetoric

like when i came out i was already in therapy and all the therapist i went to diagnosed me with gender dysphoria 😭 like every single one and she still couldnt believe it and i guess she was in the denial stage and what shes doing now is anger?

idk both my parents have the belief im doing it to make my mom made because i was a rebellious child and shit. but like it was really ur typical religious bigotry and i think thats why it hurts now :/

like ive begged her to go to pflag to talk to other parents of trans people i begged her to talk to trans people besides me ive begged her to listen to my point of view so many times but now shes like a full on t/rf conspiracy theorist

she claims theres a trans agenda, that doctors have initiative to "turn people trans" for money, that "sickos" took transgender out of the dsm because "men have a sick fetish for humiliating other men and making them into women" like this is full on like ur crazy trumper uncle who doesnt believe in vaccines type shit. and when i offer her scientific research its considered "bias" and everything i try to show her is bias.

but its worse because she now sends me videos in my fucking email of "feminist" lawyers talking about how we are "losing women" to the "transgender agenda" and how "men are trying to be women to hurt women" like ur typical t/rf bullshit and its like a mixed fucked up concoction of anti science t/rf christian ideology and it hurts so much 🫠 (she also sends me de transitioning videos that neither here nor there but cis people who claimed to be trans and now are de transitioning and are transphobic as fuck can die by my blade)

but its like . she is serious brainwashed and i think it might be this new church shes going to thats making her even worse and im like. i literally cried myself to sleep last night because like i just want her to love me and she yells at me on the phone saying im butchering my body and like she also says i need more therapy (i go to therapy every month) bc i "was molested as a kid so now i think im trans" and that i "just need to love my body" and it hurts because like. shes literally hitting every single transphobic point and wont listen to me ever

i try listening to her now to understand and to try to see where she is coming from but its ruining my mental health a lot like getting top surgery is the only thing keeping me from suicide to be blunt :/ and now i might not even have that because she's threatening to cut me off and i live in expensive ass california and am in college 😭 like i do not know how to keep going

im just a child on the inside begging for my moms love and shes so brainwashed and it hurts. but yeah i guess shes "so based" when she also threatens me on the phone. idk t/rf much rather see a dead trans kid than care abt women

anyways sorry this is so long it kinda became a vent which was like half the original point of my post in the first place 😭😭 ur advice is good anon but i dont know how much i can keep hanging on 🫠🫠

[smallcrystals]

TRANS MAN TIMBER PLSSSSS I NEED THIS SERATONIN

AND SERATONIN YOU WILL GET

so for some context for this headcanon: timber is afab, his family is from south asian descent, and his parents died when he was around ten

and this is LONG so buckle up !!!

timber was brought up knowing the general idea of a boy and a girl but he didn't really understand why he had to stick to one if he didn't feel like it. his parents tended to avoid the topic of gender and sexuality as a whole so he didn't have much to go by. he confined his thoughts of feeling more like a guy with gloriosa and she made sure he didn't face any queer discrimination from anyone to keep him safe

after their parents died, timber was kind of free to consume more diverse content since he had no one else to tell him not to, so he was pretty accepting of being gay and trans at a young age, reading books he asked gloriosa to get for him

he had to grow up fast so he ended up reading a lot of young adult at 12-13 (since there was more likely gonna be gay/trans ppl in those compared to books for his age)

despite not having a lot of trans rep, he had the internet due to his homeschooling. he was able to research a lot more abt being trans so he'd be more educated and helpful towards them (he sometimes brushed off the feeling of relating too hard to trans men, thinking he was just a really hardcore tomboy)

he realised he found himself attracted to girls and had various crushes but bc of the fact he felt like a boy, he mixed that up with attraction to boys (which he always 'had' since he thought he was a cishet girl at one point). but he still found boys cute and wanted to kiss them so :]

timber liked helping out at the camp a lot with wood and stuff since their dad at the time was the only "man" in the house. his dad didn't think anything of it and was just glad someone could help him out for once, so that continued on after they passed

timber preferred keeping his hair short since it got annoying bc of the curls. he kept it shoulder length until after his parents passed, then he asked gloriosa to cut it even shorter to the hairstyle he has now. my boy cried when he looked at himself in the mirror

it was around 14 where he realised he may be a boy and not a girl when his body started developing. he never got any bottom dysphoria so periods were never a massive thing for him (he just found them annoying) but he didn't like having boobs 😭

gloriosa managed to get T for him as a surprise one day and timber. like. SOBBED

she helps him take it when necessary until he got the hang of it himself and it just very helpful :(

timber noticed how much stronger he was getting after a few weeks on T and he got so excited. he was already strong beforehand so man just got stronger

he binds until he can get surgery which he gets at 18 (so yes in loe he is binding :>)

but it's actually rlly annoying bc man develops double d cups and is like . WHEN CAN I GET RID OF THESE THEY SUCK so he ends up only binding during camp sessions and doesn't when there aren't any campers at everfree

present day timber when someone comments rudely abt why he got top surgery and not bottom: LISTEN I JUST DIDN'T WANT FEMALE DOUBLE D BOOBS ON MY BODY IS THAT SO BAD???

he realised he liked people regardless of gender so he ids as pan! he's never really found a label for himself until he realised he's trans (he's known pre-loe)

he comes out to twilight after she tells him she's bi, so he comes out as pan and trans (a lot more nervous abt the trans bit but she's completely supportive abt it!!)

twilight gladfully reminds timber to take his hormones bc man forgets sometimes 😔 makes a timetable and everything and timber is just..... head in hands

this is my friend maisa's hc but i had to put it in here bc it's so cute:

timber is. so funny when ppl ask him invasive questions like it's none of your business !!!!

"whoa dude youre stronger than me and i'm the real man here" "oh what if i break your real man nose and kick you in the real man nuts then what"

timber gets top surgery done and it goes well!! since he's got a lot of muscle, he wanted his chest to fit that and it looks great in his opinion, he's very happy !!!

timber still likes wearing skirts occasionally and he pulls them off so well. he and flash went skirt shopping once

he lets rarity put make up on him at a time and he occasionally decks up

ppl ask him why he still wears feminine stuff and short answer is "i look better in it than you :)" but rlly, it doesn't give him dysphoria! timber doesn't personally associate his sex with his gender and doesn't feel like he needs to present the way society expects him too. he just does what he does to feel comfortable and doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks!

timber goes to rarity to get some of his ethnic clothes styled in a little more feminine way (backless salwar for example) and just gets super giddy when he wears it

mehndi (henna) is typically for girls so he wore it as a child during eid and stuff but he didn't stop as he transitioned and always goes to gloriosa to get it done bc she does it really nicely

gloriosa tells him whenever he feels down that she's very proud of him and how far he's come and she'll always be there for him no matter what :(

timber's T ends up messing w his period so sometimes it does come, sometimes it doesn't and it's absolute hell. it used to be regular before but then. 😔 he doesn't get that bad of cramps anymore tho 😎

timber shaves! being south asian, he was bound to get a lot of body hair anyway but being on T just made it. Worse. he shaves frequently and just prefers it that way for himself!

even after timbertwi break up, twi still keeps reminding him to take his T. they're still very close friends!

flash walks in to timber taking his T one day and gets concerned bc he doesn't know so he's like . "timbie what r u doing....." and timber isn't comfortable yet telling him so he says he knows what he's doing and he's not comfortable telling flash yet. flash respects him and leaves the room until timber's done

timber ends up telling him sometime soon (like a few weeks) n flash is like "OHHH you were taking your testosterone, i'm so dumb", timber says "never stopped being dumb" and flash tackles timber

timber's pretty confident in himself after a while. that's where his ego shit comes from, he tries to hype himself up despite not beliveing it or having doubts but he does eventually and he's rlly proud of himself :}

I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABT HEIGHT but timber gained tall genes from his family so he was already pretty tall before he started taking T!! he's taller than flash and he teases amab flash all the time for it hehe

and that's all so far !!! hope you got the seretonin you wanted!!

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

Please tell us abt yr dnd characters holy shit

OK BET SO I HAVE SEVEN OF THEM AND FOUR OF THEM ARE KINDA FLESHED OUT THE OTHER THREE ARE IN THE CONCEPT ZONE

im in the process of making aesthetic blogs for them too so like ...... check out my main if you want em @turntechgodhcad 👀

-mod dave

ok so my first one is my chaos elf. glenn meldarion is my stupid idiot bitch boy and i love him and he lives in the woods. hes a rogue and hes chaotic neutral, hes 20, hes aroace, and naturally hes an amazing shot with a bow and arrow. also his full name is glennodad gonk meldarion and each of the names has a meaning

i looked up some elvish translator a while ago and “glennodad” translates to “jared”. jared 19

“meldarion” translates to “dave”. so his name is Elf Jared Dave

“gonk” is the name of my worm on a string so his middle name is gonk

theres nothing particularly angsty about glenn, he doesnt have a sad backstory or anything but he sure has a dumb one. so this fuck head ass starts out on a vegetable / fruit farm and hes minding his own business, he hunts for meat and stuff, and what he doesnt eat he sells. so hes got his own little market goin on but hes not exactly the most Popular of the vegetable sellers because yknow everyone and their mom on the edge of town is a vegetable seller so while glenns not selling fruit hes pickpocketing. and ONE DAY he pickpockets a Haughty Noble and gets caught. so this dude is like “ok” and places a little bounty on his head and hes run out of the town by this nobles goons and shit cause He Wants Payback, so up until he finds a home he just bounces around the woods from kingdom to kingdom camping out and shit. and he still pickpockets

--------

my SECOND boy is named cas, full name casteris emsworth, and hes human, hes my beautiful baby son and i love him and hes a druid (circle of the shepherd) !! hes a neutral good, hes 19, hes got himself a little Knife and hes bi !! and hes . very 👀 at this one tiefling of banes (if yall dont know bane thats my partner ^^).............his names lucas and oh boy cas has the Big Gay...............

cas’ main focus in his druidism is just plants. like people have specific focuses for some of their characters, cas just fucking likes plants. he absolutely excels in potions, and he fucks around with alchemy too. he keeps this big ass tome of plant sketches that hes seen on his travels, and he bakes bread when hes stressed and hes really good at writing! and hes fucking terrified of Really Big Fish . 

his backstorys kinda sad but not really fleshed out; he was raised druidic in a kingdom that outlawed magic, his family got Found Out, they were ordered to be executed and cas escaped. usually this is where people would get vengeful and angry and wage a personal war against the kingdom, but cas doesnt have an angry bone in his body and instead went fucking asap to another place to keep practicing in his parents’ names !! he stayed with a cousin until he got a little hut of his own and now hes just Vibing. his main goal right now is to recreate this potion that he did. he was just fucking Mixing Shit and he grew a baby ent. and now hes like. Hellbent on trying to figure out how the FUCK he did that

--------

then i have a fire genasi whos kind of just in physical character development right now, his name is mathias ganteoran and hes a fighter !! hes 21, chaotic neutral but a Different Flavor than glenn, more Harsh, he fights with a bo staff, his hair is Literally Fire and hes trans demi and gay

mathias is the Grumpy Friend who Doesnt Have Time For This Bullshit but he gets roped into a bunch of stupid stuff anyway and its really great. also he has a rebellious streak and hes just Big Punk. or at least as punk as 1394 can get. also i know for a fact that the way he did his top surgery was that he just went up to some magic friend of his and went “de-tit me” and they did and long story short Magic Top Surgery .

also i didnt have a name for him for six months and i called him “motherfucker unlimited” until i named him

--------

aaryn mendalyn is my next character i love her so much shes my triton, and i really want to use her in a campaign soon. shes a monk (way of the open hand), chaotic good, 19, pan as hell, and this bitch has GAUNTLETS !!!!!

and let me tell yall aaryn is here to do three things and three things only. punch the fuck out of things, party like a rock star, and EAT DIRT

she has a bit of a backstory that involves dirt actually, so shes kinda got a little mermaid complex going on but not cause she finds a guy or smth. so tritons as a species act really superior cause theyre underwater and shit (think amporas) but aaryn always thought “but hm. the land is pretty cool. it has dirt, we have dirt but wet, its the same shit??” so she decides “ok im gonna go be on land now” and she just fucking loves the dry dirt. shes not worried about what her family will think cause shes really fucking impulsive and hey if she doesnt go back then she doesnt go back. she is having the time of her life

--------

for the characters that are still in progress, and all of their info is “X until further notice” cause i still have a lot of research to do on these species and classes

i have a 21 y/o lawful neutral nb lesbian aasimar cleric named kirijah whose entire aesthetic is half-victorian, half-classical, all sun / clouds. theyre trying their best to be poised all the time but god theyre confused as to why they hang out with these people

then theres my 19 y/o chaotic neutral-turned-good human witch named myra !! shes my only character with a homebrew class so im gonna have to figure out how to work with that. shes an aro bi demigirl, and she doesnt have a Full backstory but i Do know that she was definitely forced to commit a Major Crime, it left her fucked up, and now shes trying to move in a new way better direction. so now shes the cheerleader of her friend group !!

and FINALLY my latest and least developed, my DWARF CLARISSA !!!!!!! shes a barbarian, probably neutral, DEFINITELY chaotic, im probably gonna end up making her trans (if i write her character well enough that is. i want to flesh her out to where it makes sense cause i really want to avoid the “barbarian trans woman” stereotype, obviously thats really fucking harmful) and out of the seven she is the ONLY one with a brain cell

[cruisercrusher]

i totally wanna hear what you have to say abt rebels!! personally im a big fan and ive never seen anyone specifically not like the show so im interested in ur thoughts !!

Ok please keep in mind I do not at all pretend to be unbiased because clone wars is my most favourite thing ever so every Star Wars thing ever gets compared to clone wars it’s like my thing

The core of why I’m not fond of rebels is because to me none of it felt impactful. I’ve actually watched I think 3 out of the 4 seasons, because my d*d made us all watch it as a “family” and imma be real with you chief. Years down the line I struggled to remember the main characters names. Almost none of it actually stuck with me in any meaningful way, someone will mention something that happened in an episode I did watch and I’ll be like damn i have no recollection???? But also like having gone back and taken a second and third look at the show I’ve gotten the impression that even within the show nothing has that much impact, maybe the last season is different idk but it feels very one note to me and at times shallow in the story telling. Nothing sticks, because the characters retain a degree of staticity throughout what I’ve seen, and Disney very clearly had a set formula laid out for how the episodes/arcs would go that left little room for the ballsy storytelling and character development we got from clone wars.

It’s a little disappointing because I think there were things in rebels that had a lot of potential, rebels as a whole had a lot of potential but Disney really put a stranglehold on Dave Filoni and the rest of the creative teams creative ability.

That being said, I really don’t like the animation either. Like, really don’t like it. I feel like it lacks depth and texture, and I don’t like a lot of the character designs, and the backgrounds are a little flat, and the way the characters move is weird to me. They’re just a tad too fluid and a touch too expressive that for me it reads as very uncanny valley, it actually took me out of it sometimes.

(Also the human skin tones all looked kinda off to me I was like I don’t think that’s the right undertone babes that’s too much yellow. Too much yellow babe)

As well as the fact that the animation stayed pretty much exactly the same throughout the series, and had none of the actual real innovation and groundbreaking animation that the clone wars had.

Going back to the story telling, and again, this is Disney’s fault, there were a lot of missed opportunities for them to go really hard. There were a lot of lessons in clone wars (like always question authority, and Capitalism Bad, and War is Futile, and sometimes the people who are supposed to be the good guys aren’t necessarily very good) that Disney is just straight up afraid of. Like clone wars really had a lot of more left leaning themes that is simply too much for the conservative, one percenter, trump supporting Disney executives and shareholders.

An example of this I feel would be when they introduced the clones. If I could have I would have done that arc very differently. And don’t get me wrong, I loved seeing grandpa Rex! But the way those episodes were executed felt a little. Dissatisfying? Maybe not quite disrespectful, but then again imo the story of the clones is THE MOST tragic one in all of Star Wars and those episodes had an element of levity to them that I don’t think fit. That arc could have been really deep and somber (and they could have done at least a little to acknowledge the rampant ptsd the clones must have, especially Wolffe who shot down his general and father figure against his will) yet the script didn’t really do those characters justice at all.

Also, I would have written Sabine’s character very differently. For one, I would have made her at least twenty, because with everything I know about it her it’s baffling that she’s supposedly only like sixteen. Makes zero sense. I don’t get it. Also I would make her a butch lesbian. Like a total mean dyke. We need more of those and I think Sabine could have mean dyke potential.

Now. The inquisitors. Dear lord. Again, could have been really cool, but tHOSE SPINNY LIGHTSABERS DRIVE ME INSANE HOW DO YOU FLY WITH THOSE IT SHDHJSJFJD FORGET THATS NOT HOW THE FORCE WORKS, THATS NOT HOW PHYSICS WORKS!!!!

Barbie life in the dream house had better animation because they were actually supposed to look plastic. Also, rebels yoda haunts my nightmares.

And I specifically don’t like Ahsoka’s character design either. I like her outfit but she looks less like Ahsoka to me and more like Ahsoka’s cousin. Her skull is a different shape. Why is it a different shape? Did she have jaw transplant surgery? Where is the consistency. We literally see an older version of Ahsoka during the mortis arc and she actually looks like herself (and looks really cool!) but Rebels Ahsoka looks nothing like that? I don’t understand. It makes my brain hurt to think about it

Alright, I’ve said a lot of negative things, so here’s a positive: I really appreciate Chopper. I just love chaotic astromech droids who feel nothing but unbridled bloodlust at all times. It is so funny. I appreciate him

And, bearing in mind I haven’t seen the whole episode (because I don’t want to) mostly just gift sets and clips, but the episode where Maul finally finds Obi-Wan on tatooine and they have their final duel?? Very cool concept, lots of potential, I just wish the lightsabers weren’t so SKINNY WHY ARE THEY SO SKINNYYYYYYY

I think that’s about everything? Barring the fact that for the longest damn time I thought none of the characters had fingernails because I mistook Ezra’s layered gloves for fingerless gloves and thought he didn’t have fingernails and that freaked me out? Yeah I think that’s about all my thoughts. I tried to have as little blantantly comparing to clone wars as I could because that’s not exactly fair, of course rebels was never going to be on the same level as clone wars. When it comes to well done cartoons I think it’s like. Way up at the top tier is Atla then clone wars in second place, and then literally everything else is wayyyy below it because that’s just how it is tbh. Anyways hope this satiated your curiosity!

[foulserpent]

hello francis i am about to ask a pretty personal question so i understand completely if you dont want to answer and would rather just trash this ask. i was wondering like.... how you knew for sure you wanted top surgery? i know everyone is different so your answer may not even help me anyway i am just having some thoughts on it i am trying to sort out and figured it couldnt hurt to ask other people abt their experiences. if youd rather answer privately i will come off anon. thank you very much

i think i knew because like, in my case when i was in like 9th grade i tried binding with an ace bandage just to see what it looked like and it made me so happy like i felt good about what i was seeing. i dont think there was any one moment where i decided ‘lets do the surgery’ but if there was any one moment i could identify one that showed it was worth it, that was it

i didnt keep binding even when i got an actual binder (bc if you arent really skinny or flat chested its like… guaranteed bad for you lol and i have asthma and back problems). so like to put it in perspective i wasnt even one of those people whose top dysphoria was absolutely debilitating and life ruining, it was something i could live with and generally didnt bother me consciously in my day to day life. but when my parents were open to the idea and it became something we could feasibly afford and do, it kind of put it in perspective that i really did want it. like when we were actually talking to surgeons and when we SCHEDULED the surgery it was that same sort of feeling as when i bound that time years back. i wasnt in a position that i couldnt live without it, but the notion of it was like a unique feeling of comfort in my body that i hadnt experienced. the surgery itself was intimidating but everything about it felt “right” in a way thats hard to describe

[radio-charlie]

Am a bit sad this morning honestly. I might have to leave my kitchen job. Theres nothing wrong w/ it at all. the head chef does keep making weird comments abt how nice my skin is but i dont think he’d actually try anything, just wants to flirt. Its just, idk. Restaurants not doing well at all. it might close soon. at least this outlet might anyway. and in that event, i as the most junior and untrained staff will of course be let go. On top of that i’ve been wondering abt financial security and such. due to pretty recent developments im now even more in debt than i was last year. basically i read abt a terrible thing a member of the malaysian lgbt community was going thru (cannot divulge details sorry) and it was a life-or-death scenario. So i ended up sending him the sum he was asking for, but it was a giant sum. And so i owe very much money now. 

The good news is that i can take my time in repaying the debt. But since i have to send a bunch of money to my dependents and of course take care of my own food, meds, phone bill etc.... well. Theres also the issue of, what if an emergency hits either me or someone i care about? I dont have much savings at all. like it or not, money is still the only way we can secure the future of anyone in this world. And jesus christ i need to get top surgery asap because living in this body is slowly killing me. 

Sometimes I wonder if i was selfish to choose this kitchen job. But then again i was desperate for any work at the time, because i’d been unemployed for 2 months already. I was happy to take on kitchen work, but i was also just doing what i had to. no other job offers were coming in at the time.

Im interviewing for a copywriter position at a property investment company next week. Just saying that really hurts my heart because this is, truly the opposite of what i want to do. but well. gotta be practical right? dreams are for the less burdened.

[forsythiias]

hey ! i’m rachel. i’m 20 - almost 21 ! - she / her pronouns, gmt timezone ( i live in ireland and spend like a week in england every month at this rate . u guys will get used to it ). a fun fact abt me is that i spoke to hugh jackman & gave him a wolverine pin rly recently . that’s all i got . anyway. i’m playing jellybean jones, the baby of the fp jones fam ! she’s my absolute KID and i would LOVE to plot , so please feel free to shoot me a message or smash that like button and i’ll come at you in the not so distant future. 

⌜   genderfluid, she / they / he   |   out of time by the rolling stones, the local record store, the pop culture fiend   ⌟   ⏤   hey, isn’t that FORSYTHIA PARTHENIA JONES? the NINETEEN year old SOUTH SIDER has lived in town for their WHOLE LIFE, and has always denied their resemblance to DIANA SILVERS. they’ve been a STUDENT & WAITRESS for a while now, and i guess it makes sense - they’ve always seemed so TENACIOUS & INDIVIDUALISTIC, though i have heard that they can be pretty GARRULOUS & ACERBIC. did you hear about how they SOLD JACKED CARS IN TOLEDO TO PUT THEMSELVES THROUGH COLLEGE? i always knew that there was something up with them. you can check out her pinterest board HERE and her stat page HERE.

you can CHANGE the world, girl,                                     you really, truly can.

part one of three : bullet point history. trigger warnings for talk of infant health issues.

august fifth, 2000. it was a sticky autumn night when FORSYTHIA PARTHENIA JONES entered the world with a pitiful cry. the only daughter of two south siders, gladys and fp, and the younger sister of a one jughead jones, she wasn’t born to MUCH ; which made all that she did have matter all the more. a mother and a father who loved her? check. an older brother she would someday idolize and love like no other in the world? double check. a small ventricular septal defect, discovered only after her birth? triple check.

forsythia was, it seemed, destined to be a sickly child. her first few months were dotted with trips to the emergency room and visits to a local doctor, something always seeming to be wrong. infant colic was ten times worse. she caught a chill when she was two weeks old and needed to spend a WEEK in the icu because of the resulting chest infection. the doctors who treated her at birth had been confident over time that the hole in her heart - jellybean shaped, on the very first ultrasound - would close by itself, as many do. hers, however, didn’t. as she got older, the effects became more pronounced. she kept catching chest infections. she couldn’t seem to put on weight. breathing was, at times, a struggle. and she was SLEEPIER than any baby they had ever known before. the original plan had been to wait and see and hope that her tiny heart healed on it’s own. at ten months old, it became apparent that this would never happen ; and the surgery was scheduled. 

your baby is supposed to be PERFECT. she isn’t supposed to take ill every few days and ultimately be wheeled into a room for open heart surgery. it was likely a very harrowing experience, and those first few months of her life were understandably marred - but if there had ever been any doubts before, it became clearer than day when she came out of surgery that the youngest jones was a FIGHTER, through and through. they’d been prepared for a month long wait to bring her home again - it ended up being a fortnight. she didn’t cry, after. she didn’t FUSS. it was as if she had known that the first little while had been tough, and was trying her hardest to make all of their lives that little bit easier. lord knew that the jones’ needed it, especially when the stress of all that was going on with her had combined with their bills. 

now affectionately named jellybean for the defect she had survived, she grew into a remarkably NORMAL child. there were differences, of course, between her and the kids that she grew up surrounded by - she required regular checkups, she needed to dress extra warmly in winter, and she always got that little bit more wiped out than everybody else - but anyone told the story behind the scar in the middle of her chest gaped in shock. the girl who swung from the lower boughs of the trees at the edge of sunnyside trailer park and sprinted after her friends at full speed had once had a hole in her heart? impossible. that sort of health issue was reserved for those with a lot less life in them than the high spirited girl that jellybean became known as being, and never once did she allow it to define her. she was a SPITFIRE, pure and simple, and she’s proud to say that never once did she let herself sit out of an experience just because she was worried about what would happen if she partook.

life was not all sunshine and adventure, though. not every child notices the cracks in their home life appearing. jellybean didn’t. not until the rug was pulled right from under her feet. to her wide eyed and rose colored self, everything seemed to happen overnight. one day, they were happy. the next, her dad was an alcoholic and she and her mum were in transit to toledo, where they would move in with stony faced grandparents who treated her with corporate coldness. she didn’t understand the why of it all - couldn’t have even hoped to, when she was still so young. the reality of her father losing his job and their lives going to shit thanks to it didn’t sink in. all she knew was that she had lost the father she idealized and the big brother that she had always wanted to BE. 

she spoke to them both on the phone, of course. she was even lucky to see jughead a couple times, though their grandparents never wanted to hear about it afterwards, no matter how excited she was. it must have been jarring for him the first time he turned up to find that the pigtailed little girl who loved kids pop that he remembered had sheared her hair and was now listening strictly to pink floyd and other classics. but none of it was the same. not really. it wasn’t having her family together. to say that her drastic transformation might have stemmed from a place of resentment towards whatever forces were at play in ruining her family - that starting to go by JB, so similar to the FP that her nana and granddad refused to allow be mentioned around them might’ve been an act of defiance - wouldn’t have been incorrect. she wanted things to go back to normal. the fact that they didn’t killed her.

and they never really did. she and her mom returned to riverdale, a new opportunity spotted, but things never went back to how they had been before. she learned not to talk about it, though - and now she’s older, wiser, and she knows how to hide her feelings behind an easy bluff. there’s nothing to do but make the most of what she does have, right? a new brother. a new life. a new self. she has to stop dwelling on what she used to have, she supposes ; though sometimes, it hurts to think about what she’s lost. 

part two of three : headcanons.

jellybean is gonna be a lawyer someday, but she NEVER really wanted to be one. her dream from ages 3 to 11, she wanted to be a princess. she overheard some of the older serpents sarcastically referring to the jones family as royalty, and she really chose to run with it - refusing to take off a makeshift crown for the first month and getting called princess jellybean by her father for the next few years. after that phase had passed, though, she found her real passion - and for most of living memory, she’s wanted to own a record store. nothing too extravagant, really, just a first floor, one room sorta deal - she’d plaster the walls with posters of the greats and keep the merchandise in crates resting on rickety tables, and every friday night she’d hold a jams night where people could come and lounge around the floor on beanie bags, listening to some of their favorites. she had it all planned, and it’s still something of a dream - but if there’s one thing that jones’ family knows how to do, it’s sacrifice their dreams for harsh reality. with penny peabody DISGRACED, the serpents and southsiders in general need someone who knows them to represent them, when things go to trial, and feeling a sense of duty to the people she was raised around, jb bit the bullet and stepped up. she’s got a love for arguing and a knack for winning, so much so that god HELP whoever goes against her in a courtroom, someday.

she has yet to officially join the serpents ( her parents wouldn’t approve of it, for one, not now, and there’s a whole host of OTHER reasons ) - but jb went right ahead and got a tattoo on her right hand anyway, cause as a jones, she’s still serpent adjacent. the only difference between the picture linked and the one she has is that hers is done in white ink - her way of keeping things lowkey while still honoring her heritage.

miss her with a motorbike. they’re COOL and all, but jb values her life a little bit too much to trust a two wheeled death trip waiting to happen. she’s more into classic cars, anyway, and has pretty recently invested in the frame of a 1979 pontiac gto from the scrapyard that she plans on fixing up to perfection.

her style is southside meets cute. of course she loves her leather and fishnet combos - but jb is ALSO a huge fan of dungarees and sloganed t-shirts in a whole assortment of colors. anything ‘edgy’ she wears ( big boots, mesh tops, the list .. could go on ) gets coupled with something a little less so ( pink scrunchies, colorful makeup, a disney bag … again, the list could go on ), and that makes her her.

and finally, for now, cause i’m not sure i’ve done a good job of conveying it - jellybean is a good kid. she REALLY, truly is. she’s got some bite to her ( enough of a short fuse that it’s advisable not to test her limit ) & wouldn’t be her fathers daughter if she DIDN’T, but she’s also genuinely sweet. being a serpent doesn’t equal being a bitch, and so long as people out there treat her with respect, she’ll do the SAME. jb doesn’t turn unless she’s given reason to … and if they do, she won’t hold back.

part three of three : wanted connections.

fp & gladys jones ! 

kids from the south ( or north ) side that are in or around the same age, who jellybean would have grown up with / went to school with !! they might have reconnected after she returned to riverdale and now know her as who she’s become, but they also might be people who she lost contact with for a LONG TIME and who never got to see her post transformation - any and all variance on this wc would be fun!

anyone attending carson college who she might, maybe, rub shoulders with !!  i’d love the most mundane of connections - maybe they sit with each other during lunch, or they help each other study, or one time, jb dropped a book on their head in the library and they’ve been friends / enemies since! gimme anything !

regulars at pops / the speakeasy. 

so .. she’s pretty self sufficient, and she’s paying her way in terms of college by working shifts at pops and picking up extras in the speakeasy. she’d know a lot of people from that, i’d wager, and i’m sure she has her favorites!

more people southside serpent adjacent who she can play off of !! one of jb’s goals in life is to become an OFFICIAL member of the gang, which she hasn’t yet - but she is something of a southside princess, and that means she’d know most of them in some way!

p much anything else !

[ofcacthuxandkylosaur]

Are there any trans Kylo fics out there? I feel as if it's all only trans hux this or feminized hux that...

I think there is indeed more trans Hux than trans Kylo out there, but I still managed to find some. Beware that I haven’t read most of the fics and therefore cannot say anything about their content. I also recommend of course you read the autor’s warnings;)

Trans Kylo Art

https://croatomunchi.tumblr.com/post/142969291522/would-u-ever-draw-like-hux-and-trans-kylo - croatomunchi

http://artllama.tumblr.com/post/146236116396/i-did-a-transition-log-because-i-cant-not-spend - artllama

http://toiek.tumblr.com/post/141289851114/i-love-trans-kylo - toiek

http://rip-space-birdie.tumblr.com/post/141067487245/kylo-ren-is-trans-pass-it-on - rip-space-birdie

http://opens-up-4-nobody.tumblr.com/post/153044170134/stutter-iplier - opens-up-4-nobody

http://opens-up-4-nobody.tumblr.com/post/147354462721/nice - opens-up-4-nobody

http://angerydj.tumblr.com/post/169121106275 - angerydj

http://corvosfursona.tumblr.com/post/137737245113/they-fixed-him-up-but-hes-conked-and-phasma - corvosfursona

http://kiiiloren.tumblr.com/post/137138625403/coming-to-u-live-tiny-trans-padawan-ben-solo  - kiiiloren

+ There is also a blog whose name is Trans!Kylo

Trans Kylo headcanons/ideas

http://bygoneboy.tumblr.com/post/148311042452/hi-u-should-talk-abt-ur-trans-kylo-headcanons - bygoneboy

http://nbnightwing.tumblr.com/post/136272896831/anyway-ive-been-thinking-a-lot-about-trans-guy - nbnightwing

http://kremaclassii.tumblr.com/post/137459014170/whispers-more-trans-kylo-head-canons - kremaclassii

http://kiiiloren.tumblr.com/post/138435517778/ive-been-thinking-about-trans-hux-and-kylo + http://kiiiloren.tumblr.com/post/137141605853/since-leia-is-force-sensitive-imagine-her-being - kiiiloren

http://lilstarkiller.tumblr.com/post/141230802426/alright-alright-i-keep-thinking-weve-got-trans - lilstarkiller

http://generallyhorribleatlife.tumblr.com/tagged/trans%21kylo - generallyhorribleatlife

Trans Kylo Fics

“Almond”  - angry_android || Kylo likes to hang out at his local Starbucks and brood. Hux works there part-time while going to community college. Because of someone else’s sloppy handwriting, Hux accidentally calls out Kylo’s name as “Kylie,” and there is fallout. The fallout might include dating.

“pocketknife”  - angry_android || There’s a reason Kylo wears a crop top. Hux understands.

“Casanova, Fuck Me Over”  -  Anonymous || With another kiss, Hux glances up. “You promise try and keep your limbs to yourself?” Ren snorts. “I will try my best,” he says, placing his hands on the sheets, “If you promise to stick your face between my thighs sometime soon.”

“Tarine Tea and Lambro Shark”  -  armitageren || The First Order celebrates a recent victory on a luxurious planet and it’s the perfect setting for Kylo Ren and Armitage Hux’s first date. Hux struggles to survive the date with his anxiety putting him on edge because Ren doesn’t know he’s trans and he isn’t sure what that means for their future.

“all the noises (from your hateful little mouth)”  - bloomthefox || In which Kylo whines and puts off his feelings, Phasma calls it like she sees it, and Hux is a stone cold mystery. Or, the defense attorney AU that literally nobody asked for.

“care and control”  -  cracktheglasses (cormallen) ||  It’s a wide strip of dark brown leather, soft, already a bit worn at the edges, snapped shut over Ben’s wrist. It means Ben wants him. Ben needs him. He may not always be able to say it, but he means it every time he puts the cuff on, every time he puts himself into Hux’s care – I’m yours.

“juxtaposition”  - cracktheglasses (cormallen) || He hopes Hux makes it hurt. Hopes Hux is as mean and arrogant and smart here as he is everywhere else, the way Kylo tries to be.

“Changed” -   Davechicken || Kylo was sure from a young age that he wasn’t female. It’s not until he leaves home that he finds people who agree.

“Pushed”  - Davechicken || Hux has to push his boy a little, to get him through the discomfort. Kylo always appreciates it after.

“Control”  - DoctorNinjaSpy || Patience is Armitage’s most valued virtue. Sometimes, however, he falters.

“special delivery” - gonnapop || Hux had not intended to be present for this messy process. Rather, he’d imagined returning after his shift and being handed a clean, swaddled baby. But there was nothing for it now.He rolled up his sleeves.

“Heel, Beg, Speak”  - JulieCox || Emperor Hux has a new pet, and enjoys pushing him around. Kylo has secrets, and enjoys keeping them to his own damn self. But they won’t stay secrets for long.

“the Panty fic”  -  kyloskummies || Kylo and Hux are roommates. Kylo is trans and wears panties. It’s a hot day and the AC is broken. Y'all know where it goes from there.

“Bad Poet and Good Artist”  -  lovewashisname || Hux has moved schools before. He’s sure this time won’t be any different. He’ll keep to himself, make a few acquaintances, and put up with his father the best he can. But not even an hour into his first day and he’s shattered his phone, walked into a gorgeous boy, and had a very, very awkward conversation with said gorgeous boy. In other words, Hux meets the incredibly sad Ben Solo, and maybe he doesn’t want to leave this school so soon.

“Bad Poetry on Starlit Rooftops”  -  lovewashisname || Everywhere Kylo looks, high school is portrayed as either the best place you’ll ever be, or a shithole that will ruin four years of your life. For Kylo, it’s neither. High school has been a place to hide from his own body, and to get into fights every once in a while. So in one year, none of that will change, he thinks. How wrong could he be? told from Kylo’s point of view

“A Real Boy”  -  MosImagination || Ben solo is a transmale junior, he has a crush on a senior named Hux. Ben is too afraid to show off his real self, but Hux quickly accepts him. And loves him.

“Birth of a dream”  -  MosImagination || Ben solo is a transmale, hux has always wanted a child, Ben gives his body to have their child.

“Expectations”  -  MosImagination || Ben solo didn’t know what to expect coming home on Valentines Day.

“Shark in the Water”  -  SeraphicVictory || Kylo Ren was absolutely the best sailor there ever was. Or that’s what he liked people to believe anyway. In truth, he was no better than any other man at the mercy of the sea. With one fatal mistake, he and his ship were destroyed in a terrible storm, and Kylo was certain he would fall to the watery grave that most sailors met at the end. But then he wakes up to a handsome, red-headed man. His savior: The Mershark called ‘Hux’.

“Someone to come home to”  -  ShinigamiKnox || Hux is the supportive boyfriend and helps Kylo deal with his dysphoria. It was supposed to be a more serious piece of work, but I could not stop laughing at the infamous Ren quote. I’m so sorry.

“A morning at the gym”  -  SidMjkGc || Just another kind of workout.

“This Asshole”  - twinkyatta || Hux goes to a coffee shop every day, but there’s a new barista, and holy fuck does he hate him.

+ Trans Female Kylo fic

“Fate”  -  MosImagination || It was fate that they met. A beautiful transfemale Kylo ren. A handsome transmale Hux.

Trans Kylo series (of fics) 

“The Monsters We Keep”  -  AriMarris || Description: “The Monsters We Keep” is the story of Hux and Kylo, who fall in love and marry young and make many mistakes. Basically, the films rewritten through Kylo’s eyes with drastic changes. With extra one-shots thrown in the mix for fun.

“Bastards and Broken Things”  -  Bipolar_Armitage_Hux, kohoutek || No Description –> Resume of first work: A story of Armitage Hux’s childhood from the Bastards and Broken Things AU / Series.

“Caged by Monsters” (one work for now)  -  Bipolar_Armitage_Hux, kohoutek || No Description –> Resume of first work:  An introduction to the psychiatric ward AU - this is written by an actually neurodivergent person and thus there is a strong attempt to make it not remotely ableist. The “bad guys” in this are the abusive doctors and an ableist system. Hux meets Kylo Ren for the first time, or rather the other sees him in a therapy session with Dr. Brendol Hux and becomes fascinated by him.

“The Tired Raptor”  -  Kylux_TRASH || Description: “Hollywood, 1939. Amidst the glitz and the glitter of a bustling young movie talent at the height of its golden age, the Hollywood Tower Hotel was a star in its own right. A beacon for the show business elite. Now, something is about to happen that will change all that”Something did happen to change that. It happened, on October 31st, 1939, Hollywood California. Kayla-Rose and her male escort, Mr. Hux were riding in the elevator when they entered into a world unknown. They entered The Twilight Zone.

“when the lights are low”  -  transkylo (captainandor) || No Description –> Resume of first work: “Do your colleagues know how fucking possessive you are?” Kylo asks, canting his hips back, pressing into Hux’s touch as far as he can.Hux grins. “Does your mother know that you sleep with her political rivals?” Kylo’s laugh is breathy and uneven. “I don’t make a habit of it.” 

+ Trans Female Kylo series (of fic)

“She’s Just a Girl and She’s on Fire”  -   Kylo Hux (Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson) || No Description –> Resume of first work: Hux and Phasma have been sent to a fundraiser for The First Order. Their uniforms have been changed for a smart military uniform and a glamorous ball gown. Everyone that should be here is – except for one person.Kylo Ren is absent, still on another planet, having surgery. She was supposed to be here, supposed to be on security detail for the night; Hux lost hope of seeing his girlfriend for the first time in months when he saw two Knights of Ren circling the room.

“from bby Finn to teenage heartthrob + Hux  (one work for now)  -  orphan_account || No Description –> Resume of first work: Mostly, Phasma loves her job. But sometimes, just sometimes, she really hates it. Meanwhile, Hux has a slight problem, and her name is Kylo Ren.

[oflgtfol]

bc i cant stop thinking abt that dream.. im gonna elaborate on it because it was so detailed and so long and felt so real

so it started off with me in a small library but like, it was so cramped and the lights were off. bookshelves were everywhere, and most were like only waist high? strange adults were everywhere, standing against the walls/shelves or sitting in the aisles. all had their hands cuffed behind their backs or in front of them and they all had like, tape or something over their mouths. but there were some adults among them in bullet proof vests and with guns in their hands. i dont know the situation like i dont even think i acknowledged it in the dream but from context clues im p sure it was like a hostage situation

so im in there sneaking around, in the back of my mind i just Know that my parents and my brother are also in the room also sneaking thru the aisles. all the hostage adults are staring at me like, acknowledging that they know im here to help rescue them. so after a few close calls around corners almost getting caught by the gunmen i get to a somewhat open area, meanig that its still cramped but its a small square between bookshelves with a table and 2 chairs. theres a TON of hostages squeezed into this area. i knew that that was the objective, that i had to get there

so me and my family burst forward and the gunmen spot us, but the hostages all help us overwhelm the guys. the gunmen are shooting blindly into the crowd, aiming mostly for me and my family, and SOMEHOW everybody else dodges it but me. literally it went in slow motion and i saw it like in third person, watching it come towards me and i was like “watch it hit me lmao. oh fuck its actually gonna hit me”

so i get shot in my stomach during all this and the pain just, it wasnt all that bad really? like it felt like uhm. getting hit with a water balloon actually (i was just in a water fight yesterday and now upon realizing this its like.... did that contribute to this dream....) so then its all clear like the bad guys are defeated, it gets kinda blurry at this point but i know in some disembodied way that i told my parents after everything wrapped up when they were asking if everyone was okay that i was hit, and they like, didnt care. i was like “HEY i got SHOT in the stomach!” and theyre like k and it took them foreverrrrrrr to get me medical attention. and i wasnt even.. bleeding outwardly? so i was so worried about internal bleeding because like HEY i have a bullet in me so i must be bleeding somewhere like,,, come on lmao

the next like visual thing i remember is in the hospital. its been a while since like, i woke up so this is kinda blurry too but i remember being put into a wheelchair by some nurses.. ive been in a wheelchair only once and that was in 2nd grade but this one i was allowed to use like, on my own, so it threw me off? and at this point i was like, fuck, i’ve been shot before when i was little. i’ve done this before. i had to go into surgery and everything. but it was all vague flashes i could barely remember it but it felt a lot like when i remember the major things from my childhood that i just COMPLETELY forgot about for so long, like speech therapy? like i had gotten injured from a gun when i was less than ten years old and i just, forgot about that? i was like HOW did i forget about this

so i was already in the hospital at this point but for the one room, i wheeled up to the entrance and it felt kinda like the 11th/12th grade cafeteria entrance that i use in school?? a small double door, blank walls, kinda dark, empty, and there was a nurse checking us in. at this point i was surrounded by all my classmates from my ap lang class, or maybe not ap lang in particular idk since like all the ap kids are mostly grouped together despite class? idk man. but my classmates were literally all fine idk why they were there? they werent even there for checkups or anything (disregarding the fact that you dont get a check up at a hospital you get that at a normal doctors office..) so i was there in my literal wheelchair and the nurse was like “wait your turn!!” she was really snooty it was annoying i was like, word for word, “uhm HELLO i have a GSW in my abdomen!!!!!!” and my one classmate finally spoke up as he was being checked in he was like “uh hey brot is here and like, got shot, so i think she should go first lmao?” so the nurse finally smiled at me and admitted me in

and it led to this small cramped room where they scanned your entire body for every single thing wrong with it adn they displayed it on a board where everyone could see, including my classmates, and i was like ohh my god. oh my god. the nurses were like “hm you could eat better but overall you’re in good health!” and i was like DUDE thats embarrassing i dont want everybody to see all my minute issues and LIKE I AM LITERALLY INJURED I HAVE A BULLET IN MY STOMACH WHY ARE YOU DISCUSSING MY DIET WHEN THERE ARE MORE PRESSING ISSUES...

so finally we go into the actual room and its this giant giant mostly empty room, im remembering this room from my first go at this from when i was a kid. theres a table in the middle thats pretty big but has.. no chairs around it... but theres puzzles and weird bookmark things scattered around on it to keep you occupied, and then theres a single table far removed from everything else, only long enough for a body and slightly wider, and theres one identical to that on the other side of the room. and i know from when i was a kid that those are for surgeries and like, i KNOW this but i was like, wrow thats unsanitary lmao

so i go to the table in the middle because thats where you’re supposed to wait till you’re called for surgery, but im so ANXIOUS because like.. its surgery... and now im remembering more of it from when i was a kid like im remembering going into it, waking up from it... my classmates are all sitting on the table like its some casual after school thing, theyre all talking

and then i remember from the first surgery. i remember the surgery itself. i apparently wasnt put under for it. i was conscious during it. i was numbed out obviously but like, i was AWAKE, and that makes me SO fucking scared for my upcoming surgery. like, enough that some of my classmates sense that im getting more and more anxious so they start shoving the bookmarks in my face, and the bookmarks are like the weird ones from the library irl that have quotes on them, and like i cant even read any because im just so anxious like im keeled over in the wheelchair so anxious about it, and the fact that my classmates are trying to interact with me during this is just making it worse like i APPRECIATE trying to make me feel better but i CANNOT read right now

and like, i was never called for surgery? im sitting there until the sun sets, but i only know that because i eventually leave the room just needing to do SOMETHING and the hospital lobby, for all the people waiting for patients? is empty and the sky outside is the dark blue kind of like, twilight

i really dont know how this dream suddenly turns, like i cannot remember the breaching moment and idk if its because its been almost 12 hours since i woke from the dream or if there even WAS a breaching moment

but the next thing i know is that me and shannen are running (me wheeling furiously) along the top of some like, wall. and the hospital looming in front of us is now some sort of fortified citadel, and we’re on one of the defensive walls around it, theres towers and spires everywhere in the distance around the citadel. and theres fucking. ANGELS attackign the place. the angels are classic white dress wearing, harp playing, type creatures but their eyes are all closed and black tears are running down their faces, and literally everything else about them is white. the dresses are this weathered white, their skin is weathered white (like, like marble but without the darker lines yknow?), and their eyes + tears are the darkest things on them so they stand OUT. and their mouths are flat lines, also black like as if its like, lineart or something yknow? like their faces look like masks but they arent. they have harps in one hand and then LONG ass swords in their other hands and they are fuckign terrifying

so me and shannen are outside of the main area of attack and we stumble upon this part of the wall thats like, collapsed, and theres a fucking OCEAN next to the citadel. so the stones that have fallen into the water, theres some sort of chariot on it with the same kind of look as the angels, white + black accent kinda look to it. the chariot is low lying and theres a figure laying over it, collapsed, reaching forward at nothing almost like a zombie trying to move? and he.. god i wanna say it was icarus but i really dont know because i feel, deep down that his name started with an e but i have no idea what dude it would be then bc i know it was a guy from greek mythology somehow but IDK WHO... so this guy also has the same vibe as the angels but his face is like, a fuckign mess, like it looked like he was melting (maybe thats why i wanna say icarus idk) but the melted parts were black, plus the black eyes (whcih were semi open) and the black tears and his mouth was kinda open in a silent wail (also black). i wanna say he had black hair too but idk maybe the whole black mass on his overall head was just the melting.. and this melted black liquid is strewn all over the chariot and the stone block thats barely out of the water. and out of the water, behind the chariot, all the angels were bursting forward and heading to the citadel like as if it was the Angel Spawn Point

IDK it was such a weird fuckign sight it looked like a fallen angel but i just knew deep down that it was some guy from greek mythology but I DONT KNOW WHO IT WOULD BE especially with a name starting with e..!!!

anyway yeah i woke up then. the whole angel sequence was super short compared to the rest of the dream, but it was more on par with what i normally dream than the rest? like i dont recall ever having guns in my dreams except for maybe one dream in middle school that was like,,,,, nuclear apocalypse type thing......... and never have i ever been like, INJURED like that in a dream? i’ve died in dreams yeah but ive never been like.. shot.. the closest thing i can think of was that one weird borderline nightmare earlier this year where i died of internal bleeding in school due to school negligence..... hm!

like idk this was just such a weird dream i normally have very very wild dreams with a more fantasy element to them, and the mundane ones are just me in school or on tumblr, like ive never had like, an ACTION MOVIE kinda thing??

and it felt SO REAL like when i woke up i literally thought that i had some sort of repressed gun related traumatic event from my childhood that i was only uncovering now and it was only when i realized that i was in bed and not like, at the hospital with a gun wound in my stomach, that i was like oh haha no thats not real