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joshslater · 4 years ago

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Weeding Out

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- Hey, I said I was sorry. You know I'm just pretending. - It still hurts. - No one hit you today. - That's not what I meant. - Don't be like that. You know why I have to do it. - Yea... No... Why do you have to do it? You're just scared they'll treat you like shit. - I'd... Fuck, I need to go to practice. We can talk later. Your place? - Yeah, I guess.

As soon as Ethan was out of earshot, Theo hit his school locker hard and thought "Fuck" really loudly. He too was late for practice, but not the kind where young males like Ethan run and compete and cooperate and sweat together on the field outside the school buildings. His practice was in the music room with the woodwind section of the school orchestra playing bassoon, or fagott as Ethan's teammates heckled him with.

It had all been so promising at the start. One evening when he was playing with Fred and they were talking shit on discord he had mentioned that he was at least bisexual. And if Fred knew, he had to be the one to tell Emma, so he did that first chance he could get, but that was it. He didn't want any coming out announcement or anything. No one ever came out straight, so why would he need any ceremony to declare his orientation. Besides, he wasn't sure what he was. Somehow this started the low-intensity rumor mill going, saying that he was gay. Perhaps it wasn't any of them starting the rumor somehow, but just a case of synchronicity. Doesn't really matter as nothing much came of it, except for some of the dudes in the football team started to bother him. Things like stopping him and asking him to punch one of them in their abs, and then of course returning the favor by punching Theo back. Nothing that ever truly physically hurt him, nothing that made him want to expose himself by talking to any of the teachers, but things that would cause trouble and delays nonetheless.

After about a month one of the jocks, Ethan, who he shared Chemistry and Physics with asked him if it was true about him being gay. Theo started with a defensive "I don't know", and as they talked all the way from school to halfway home, where their ways parted, it was clear they were at least both attracted to each other. To Theo this was a double win. Not only was Ethan hot, and had always been an OK guy as far as he knew, but the thought of a Nerd and a Jock couple was hot to him. Not that he really saw himself as a nerd. He considered himself pretty normal. But then he guessed Ethan probably saw himself as pretty normal, and probably saw Theo as a nerd.

They started meeting up at each other's houses, getting to know each other. They had spent hours in his room listening to classical music, and hours in Ethan's house watching ESPN. While Ethan was upfront about enjoying hiking, it took a month until he confessed to enjoying bird watching, and that was the real reason for the hikes. To Theo it just made him even cuter. They had been making out on more than one occasion but never taken the step to actually have sex. Theo felt that Ethan really wanted to go there. He on the other hand didn't want to do that until Ethan fessed up to liking him publicly. Outside of their respective rooms he wouldn't even touch Theo.

But then there was the bullying. It didn't stop just because he kissed their running back regularly. He even joined in sometimes, throwing his bag up a tree on one occasion. Though he did tell the guys to be gentle at one time. "Who would make my homework otherwise?"

Damn him! Theo wished he still had a locker to hit, but he was almost at the music room. He had bought the special weed the day after Ethan had said that, and then promptly decided to never think about it again. It would be wrong to use it. But they couldn't go on like this.

Music practice went lousy. He played the right notes, in the right order, at the right time, but his phrasing was way off. Playing more forcefully than written, often veering into staccato, his mind on the small box in his socks drawer. It was on his mind all the way home, and it was on his mind when Ethan pressed the doorbell.

They had been seeing each other long enough that Ethan could tell something was up. Theo looked tense, nervous even. Was this about the shit he was on about earlier? No, he was upset then, so he would be still upset now if he hadn't dropped that. This was something else going on. The reason became clear once he'd dropped his gear, and they reached Theo's room. He could see the spliff and the lighter on the desk. He himself had tried weed once before, at summer camp. Jace had brought some with him that he'd gotten from his elder brother. They were quite a few that shared it, so no one got very much, but he'd felt something. He was sure of it.

- Hey, I didn't expect this from you. Where did you get it? - You've tried it before, right? - Yeah, at camp.

Theo looked uncertain. Ethan suddenly knew he's role. Theo needed someone to guide him to his first blunt. He took charge and told Theo to lie down. The bed being too small for both of them, unless they did what Theo had been wanting them to do, they moved the pillows to the floor. Once Theo was lying down Ethan lit the blunt as he'd seen Jace do, and drew the first taste. He dared drawing the smoke deeper into his lungs than he had dared at camp. He lied down next to Theo, handed over the joint, and instructed him what to do. Time turned irrelevant, and walking back home he couldn't quite remember anything that happened after that. Had Theo's parents come home from work before he left? He couldn't recall.

It was still in the middle of the night when Ethan woke up, freezing, clammy, and as nauseated as he'd ever been. He jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom, just in time to empty his stomach into the toilet bowl. He had sweat beads on his forehead, all his muscles ached, and he could feel that weird feeling in the jaw, where the muscles relax to prepare for another vomit. He had barely thought the thought when another convulsion expelled more stomach contents. He rinsed his mouth, drank a few mugs of tap water, and made it all the way back to the bed when he felt he needed to go back to the bathroom for more.

That's where his mother found him sleeping a few hours later, head in the bowl. Once led back to his bed, a sick day was a quick decision, though he insisted she could still go to work. He knew how to heat soup, not that he was hungry. He was asleep again before she was out of the room.

He checked his phone clock as he woke up. It was only barely lunch, but the fever had passed and he felt much better. In fact, he felt completely restored, better than ever, except for a craving he didn't recognize. He jumped out of bed, lost his balance, but managed to catch the corner of the desk with his hands before he crashed into it. He put on some loose-fitting clothes. He thought he knew what the craving was, and headed out.

Theo made another attempt to step out of bed. If this was how bad it got for him, he could only imagine what Ethan had been going through. It was hard to stay focused, but he could tell it was working. He could feel himself being different somehow. As he held up his arm he could see changes when looking for them, but it took effort. Was it because the changes were so subtle or was it that his mind had changed so much that his new self didn't acknowledge the changes? He just hoped Ethan was affected according to plan, but saw no reason why he wouldn't. If anything he had been a more enthusiastic smoker than him, and so far everything had happened as promised. This last part of the plan was a bit of guesswork though. There would be an insatiable urge to fall into the stereotype, but he thought he knew Ethan good enough to work out what he would do.

As Theo got dressed he could feel how his body was different. It didn't look that different once he got clothes on, but before that there was a marked difference. His muscles were more defined, tighter in a way, and if he lifted his T-shirt there was a faint outline of a six-pack, something he had never had before. He didn't really care one way or the other though. As he passed through the kitchen there was a note on the countertop with instructions for how to heat lasagna. He wasn't hungry although the kitchen clock showed it was almost lunchtime, but he could feel another pull. There was a low hum of wanting to smoke another blunt. There really only was one place for someone like him to get it.

Ignoring the lasagna he instead went out the door, grabbed his bike, and started to ride towards the concrete plant up north. There's a weird feeling to be in a place at the wrong time. Just riding alongside the deserted houses in the middle of the day, when he was supposed to be in school somehow felt wrong. Then it felt right. He recognized this as some of the last reverberations of the magic from yesterday. He didn't know if it was actually magic, but somehow magic felt safer or cleaner than admitting having drugged Ethan and himself.

Some twenty minutes later he could hear the clacking and rolling sound coming from the park. The concrete plant had donated the skate park as a PR stunt they hoped would drive their sales of swimming pools. Making one smooth, curved concrete installation is basically the same as the other. Theo didn't really have a plan B in case he wouldn't find Ethan here, perhaps another side effect, but plan A turned out a success. There, next to the half-pipe section, Ethan was getting instructions from some older skater on how to make a drop.

Theo froze in shock at what he saw. Ethan wore the same clothes as yesterday, but everything else was different. His otherwise tight cropped hair was now inches of shaggy mess framing his much leaner looking face. He had definitely lost a lot of muscles, as the T-shirt that yesterday had shown off his chest and shoulders now hanged baggy as the rest of his clothes. While Theo had gained some muscles and lost some fat, Ethan had brutally been forced down to a similar build. Theo felt sick again, but in a worse way than this morning. It had been theoretical then, and a bit exciting, but looking at Ethan now he couldn't fathom them being friends, let alone together if he told the truth. That this was all his fault.

Ethan noticed Theo watching him from afar and lit up with a big smile. "Hey, watch this!" he shouted and did a shaky drop down the ramp, and continued to skate in a curve towards Theo. Much too fast and with too much force he slammed into Theo with a hug and a forceful kiss, while the skateboard continued further a bit until it hit a concrete step.

- Sorry, did I hurt you? What are you doing here? - What are you doing here yourself? - I had this crazy need for weed and though I should check out here. Matt there said he only deals to skaters, so I told him to show me. - You shouldn't... You don't know what you are dealing with. - And you do? You just had your first blunt. - You've only had two. That's not what I'm talking about. I am the

Theo didn't get the chance to say more as Ethan again kissed him on the mouth. Theo felt lost. On one hand he desperately wanted to come clean, to tell Ethan that all of this, their bodies, their reckless behavior, was because of the weed from yesterday. On the other hand he had never been hornier in his life. He wanted nothing more than for Ethan to continue what he was doing. He let his tongue quickly slip into Ethan's mouth. Ethan was quick to respond the same way, and soon it was more of an oral version of thumb wars than actual kissing. Or perhaps the best kissing ever.

- No, Ethan you must hear me out. This is important. - This is important too. - Are you aware of any changes in your body since yesterday. - Duh! Just look at this arm. I'm fucking track and field material now. - You sound pretty chill about it. - Isn't that how your magic weed is supposed to work? - My... you knew? - Just a guess, now that I see you changed too. I was that big of an ass, was I? - I didn't mean... - Relax, I'm not mad. I think this can be kind of cool. Is it permanent? - Should last about a month, and then slowly turn back over a month or two. Kinda. - I have one demand. - Demand? - We are having sex today.

This time it was Theo who kissed Ethan.

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lazergeoffs · 3 years ago

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ADHD Cleaning Strats

(or, how i finally kept my space somewhat presentable most of the time)

Getting Started

Plan to start cleaning around the time your meds kick in.

Don’t actually start cleaning. No, seriously. Get all the stuff together and prepare TO clean (eg. put all the bathroom cleaning supplies in a visible location in the bathroom)

Find a new podcast/audiobook/album/etc. that you’ve been meaning to listen to. That’s your Cleaning Dopamine Supply (tm). Here’s the important part: only listen to it while you’re actively cleaning. I mean it. If you do any not-cleaning tasks you have to pause it. It can help to have an accountability partner for this.

Schedule a task you really really don’t want to do on cleaning day. I’ve done some of my best organizing while procrastinating.

Find some sort of tangible reward to give yourself for meeting specific goals. Said goals can literally be as small or large as you want but they have to be something you think is reasonably attainable.

Tackling Big Jobs

I like to use what I call the “Pile Strategy”

Throw away all trash. Also, make a note of where trash tends to accumulate in your space! That’s where you’re going to put trash cans. The government doesn’t want you to know this, but you’re totally allowed to have 10 trash cans in one room.

Make a path so you can navigate your space safely. It does not matter where the stuff goes. Your only job is to get it out of the path however you need to.

Pick up all the clothes in the space and move them to wherever you do laundry. You don’t have to actually do that right now if you don’t want to, what’s important is getting the stuff out.

Pick a section and start sorting stuff into two piles: what’s going to stay in this room and what isn’t. Set all the stuff that doesn’t go in the room to the side. Again, doesn’t matter where as long as it’s out of the room. Rinse and repeat.

Once you’ve gotten all that extra stuff out, start moving the remaining stuff to wherever it’s going to stay. I highly recommend keeping stuff around where you’re naturally inclined to leave it if possible.

Go out and buy the biggest plastic bin you can reasonably keep in your place. That’s your new junk drawer! If you want to keep it but can’t decide where it goes, it’s going in the bin

This is the fun part! Now that everything’s where it’s supposed to be, you get to ✨organize✨ it!

Organization Tips

I’m a massive bin fan. Throwing all your stuff in pretty labeled bins takes 0 effort and makes you look like an organizing god.

It literally does not matter what system you use, just make sure it’s something you’re able to consistently maintain. If it’s too much effort to put it back that way when you’re really depressed, it’s not a functional system.

Your version of clean does not have to look like an interior design catalogue. It doesn’t even have to look clean to other people. Your goal is to make a space YOU are able to use.

Put things you need daily in highly visible places. For example, I leave my med bin right next to my bed so it’s the first thing I see when I wake up.

Don’t be afraid to downsize! It’s much easier to keep a place clean when you don’t have a bunch of stuff you don’t use regularly around. I like to move anything I don’t use at least once a month into (you guessed it) a bin for storage. I’ll keep whatever I actually remember I have and donate everything else a year or so later.

Set a day and time once a week to spend 15-30 minutes putting everything back how it is right now. I also like to do this first thing in the morning because it’ll help get my brain into ‘work mode’

#adhd #living with adhd #wrote this while waiting for an appointment to start lmao I’m so bored #long post #personal

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willddheartt · 4 years ago

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30 Days | Wilbur Soot

30 days to fall in love with someone? Sounds easy right?

It would be if that person wasn’t so unbelievably annoying in almost every sense.

You’re not sure how you found yourself in this situation, but you were positive there was no backing out now…

Series Warnings: Mostly fluff and angst, and a very poorly constructed enemies to lovers plot.

Word Count: 1892

Masterlist Series Masterlist 30 Days The beginning

You sighed, staring at the black screen of your PC waiting for it to light up. After last night, you didn’t even want to log on, but you knew if you avoided it now, it would just cause more hassle in the long run.

The monitors light up with your bright coloured backgrounds and the PC itself emitted many colours of the rainbow. Opening Discord, you started a message with Wilbur.

Did you hear? You type, clicking through a few channels as you awaited his response.

Yeah, how’d this come about? his message read

Your head shook as you typed and you ran a hand through your hair, pushing it back and out of your face, I don’t know. Hop in a VC and we can discuss better?

You pulled on your headset, waiting for the call to come through, what you weren’t expecting was for Wilbur to video call you. You had just got out of bed before logging on and didn’t even have any makeup on and you were still in your cropped top and sleep bottoms. Quickly pulling the fuzzy blanket you kept on the back of your chair around your shoulders you answered the call.

“Hey,” You answered with a sigh, setting your head in your hand. “Hi,” He said, monotone. “What’s he got on you?” You asked “My home address and credit card information, stuff like that. And you?” You sighed, knowing if you told the truth he might think even lower of you than he already did. “Same thing and like some stupid stuff I did in high school,” Wilburs expression changed from annoyed to something you couldn’t read, “What did you do?” “Relax,” You sighed, “It’s nothing like terrible, terrible.” “Do you not want to tell me?” He sat back in his chair “I’d rather not,” You mumbled, “I don’t need you thinking lower of me than you already do.” “Fine,” Wilbur sighed, “Do you want to talk about how we’re going to do this or not?” You nodded

“What do you think the best approach would be?” You asked, sitting up and pulling your leg up. “Well obviously, I think we should outline what the rules are.” “Okay,” You nodded pulling up a note, “So we’re supposed to be dating right?” You asked, Wilbur, nodded. “So we should act like a couple,” You said as you typed out “What about how we act on and off camera?” Wil asked “What about it?” You asked, “On camera, we act so madly in love the fans won’t even question it, off-camera we can not speak or whatever we do now.” Wil shook his head, “I think to get the best performance we’d have to truly play into this and act on and off camera.” You threw your head back, “Really?” You asked “Do you truly hate me that much, Y/N?”

“Well no, it’s just I’d rather not.” “Too bad, it’s already written.” You sighed, “Fine.” “Do you think we should tell our friends about the whole situation or just leave it as we’re a couple?” You asked “Leave them out of the blackmail part, they could slip up.” You nod agreeing.

After twenty minutes of back and forth, you devised a list of rules doe the month.

They were as follows:

Must act like a couple on and off camera

Must act like a couple at all times

Every week doing things that couples would do (i.e. dates, movie nights, going out to dinner)

Must post announcing you’re together, on Twitter Instagram or in a stream.

Can only tell friends about you being together

And you must see each other regularly.

If either of you failed to do one of these things you immediately owe the other person $50

Wilbur was still on call with you after the list was created, you ended up talking about how you think the blackmailer got your information. Both of you were in the dark.

Your roommate came in, interrupting your conversation, “Hey, Y/N, Wanna come with me to pick up food?” She asked stopping dead in her tracks when she saw Wilbur on your monitor. You nodded, “Just give me a second here,” She waved as she exited the room. “Sorry about that, Wil,” You said turning back to the camera. “Seems I’ve got to go, but we can talk more about this when I get back if you’d like.” Wilbur nodded, “It was nice talking to you, love.”

The pet name caught you off guard, you looked at Wilbur, who had the most shit-eating grin on his face you’d ever seen. “What?” He asked, tilting his head, “We have to start somewhere, thought now would be a good time.” You sighed, “ill talk to you later Wilbur.”

You ended the call and let your head fall into your hands.

Man, this was going to be a long month.

“Sorry about earlier.” Your roommate said once you walked out of your room You shook your head, “Don’t worry about it, it was only Wilbur,” “Wilbur?” She asked, “Don’t you, like, hate him?” “Hate is a strong word,” You sighed. “I think I’ve had a change of heart about him.”

You got home to messages from Wilbur asking if you wanted to stream with him tonight to make your announcement, you grabbed a drink and something to eat and got ready to stream. This time you were able to get ready to be on camera. You did your makeup, simple winged eyeliner nothing too extravagant, and you put on a cute top, but kept on your pyjama bottoms.

Are you setting up stream? You messaged Wilbur

Yeah, are you ready? He replied within seconds

Ready as I’ll ever be.

This time you called Wilbur, he picked up within seconds. “I know this is only fake but im nervous,” You blurted out. Wilbur nodded, “Me too,” “How do you think the fans will react?” You asked “Honestly?” You nodded, “I think the overall reaction will be good.” “What about the ones that aren’t?” You were picking at your fingers, a nervous habit, “I don’t want to get death threats and that kind of thing,” You frowned. “I’ll take care of it,” Wil said, his words brought you a sense of peace, and you waited for him to start streaming.

As he welcomed everyone to the stream, you weren’t on screen yet. You had a few moments to take in his appearance. He was wearing a nice white button-down, and it looked like he tried to do something with his hard but failed and just let it slump in its natural half curly-half wavy state on his forehead. You smiled at him as he kept trying to shake the hair out of his eyes but it refused to move.

“Well, chat,” He started, “There is someone very important to me that I’d like to introduce you to.” As he spoke you could feel the knots in your stomach, nervous for him to finally show your face cam on stream. “Now, you probably already know them but,” He paused, working things out to be able to show your cam on stream, “Y/N and I would like to tell you something,” He said, and your face popped up on his stream, you waved to the chat. “Y/N, would you like to do the honours?” He asked with a smirk “I guess so,” You put on the biggest smile you could muster before it looked fake and forced, “Chat,” You said. “Wil and I are dating!” You announced and he cheered. The chat exploded with hearts and Pogs, of course, there were the normal hate comments, but those were almost drowned out by all the emotes.

“Okay now, I don’t want to see anybody hating on Y/N, Okay?” Wilbur said in a stern voice, looking directly at the camera, “Mods if you can, keep it out of the chat. And chat, keep it off the social media, Okay?” He waited for responses in the chat to roll through before continuing, “If you haven't got anything nice to say, let’s not say it alright?” You nodded along with him, secretly admiring how adamant he was about keeping the hate away, you knew Wilbur was the type of gut to do that but you didn't think he'd do it for you, especially where the two of you weren't even truly together.

“Okay, so Y/N and I here, didn’t really talk about what we were going to do on here, we just wanted to announce the news, but I guess we’ll stick around and answer a few questions for about an hour, hows that sound?” You nodded, “That sounds good to me. Chat if you have any questions to ask us, about our relationship or just personally send them in the chat or whatever you’d like to do.

You and Wilbur sat on stream for close to an hour talking to the chat and receiving many donations asking questions and answering the chat, they seemed to love that the two of you were ‘together’. You read a few things saying “Enemies to lovers? POG” in the chat that made you laugh to yourself, telling Wil you’d tell him later when he asked what was so funny.

Truthfully, you didn’t hate Wilbur as much as you’ve convinced yourself you have. Sometimes the acting and just messing around on the SMP got blurry in your mind, a lot of the things you found revolting about him were things his character had done for the sake of plot development.

Wilbur finally ended the stream, you both said bye to chat and he went off. “That went well, don't you think?” He asked, sighing as soon as the stream was over. “I think it was good, their reaction seemed to be positive.” You sat back in your chair. “What did you find so funny in the chat?” He asked, throwing an arm behind his head as he leaned back in his chair. You giggled as you thought about it again, “I saw some people saying ‘enemies to lovers? Pog’ in the chat and I thought it was really funny.” “I mean, they're technically not wrong.” You rolled your eyes, looking down at the time in the corner of your monitor.

It was late. Almost three am.

“Hey, I’ll talk to you tomorrow Wil, alright? I should go to bed soon.” Wil nodded, “Talk to you tomorrow, Y/N, sleep well.” He smiled as he hit the end call button.

You sat in your dimly lit room in complete silence, other than the noise of the fans in your PC. You couldn’t believe you had to do this for a month. You truly wondered how you could do this, it was only day one and you wanted to crawl out of your skin and wash off the feeling that he gave you. In your act you could see how you might be able to fall for him, but once the call ended and you were snapped back to reality, you wished to take the hottest and longest shower in the word and wash the feeling of him away, watch the dirt slide down the drain and out of your mind.

“You can do this. It's only a month,” You whispered to yourself.

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ask-kitom · 4 years ago

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I hate to ask and I'm not usually one to beg online but I'm in dire need here.

I live in a crappy little town in Iowa with my husband and our 3 cats. We moved here from Arizona for a better life and spent literally every penny to get here (not to mention we still owe MORE to get our things back from a storage company that is basically a scam) as it stands now all our money is spent on gas to get to work and rent.

After some unsavory events today and yesterday I'm asking for help.

I need to move and it needs to happen now, today has shown me that I and my family are not safe where we are.

Yesterday started out normal as can be and we were expecting an Amazon package of literally underwear and socks for my husband. My mom was able to scrape some cash for us since all our clothes were left with this moving company and he has had one pair of socks and one pair of underwear I've been sink washing daily as we don't have laundry available near by.

My package was stolen for starters, some teenager took it (we still don't know who) and they eventually tossed the shredded bag and items at my door before running away.

Okay, bad things happen I get it some people suck but it didn't end there.

Some hours later the woman living above us decided she was going to do some kind of drug before literally screaming at my door, then throwing herself against said door until it nearly broke off it's hinges.

The police took half an hour to show up. Their station is less than five miles away.

We were going to let this be, comfort the cats, and do our best to move on but it didn't end there.

Next we were treated to some "handyman" that was able to wedge the door into place enough it can close, but not before making several racist comments about how "the (n word slur) (f word slur for homosexual men) are going to steal the tools"

I screamed, I cried, I physically threw his $10 worth of shitty tools onto the lawn and called the landlord for the 8th or so time in two days informing him what happened and why this man isn't allowed near my home or family ever again or I'm calling the police again.

Some hours passed and I was feeling a bit better only to find a man who was previously seen staring I to our window when we were moving in attempted to steal one of our cats by way or ripping bug screens off the windows and reaching in after our orange tabby who thankfully got away as I screamed.

That brings me to today... Today I was verbally assaulted yet again by the woman who abuses drugs from upstairs. She screams at me often, calls me horrid things, and threatens my life.

The police laugh and say "yeah sounds like her" but do nothing unless she becomes violent enough to break my door down. My cats are in a constant state of panic and I've spent what little I was able to save on Luna our fluffy girl who had to go to the vet as she licked her backside raw and bloody from what the vet said was stress.

I've lived here since April 5th. We were prepared to spend 6 months with the long work drive and eating poorly just to get by until we can move but now I'm desperate.

When my animals are in danger and I'm scared to leave the house for more than a few minutes at a time for fear someone will break in and harm my family, I can't stand by.

Please if anyone can help it's going to cost me nearly $1400 to move out, if I can make just half that in donations we can leave and get to a safer place.

I know it's not a time to ask for monetary help right now but of I can do anything to repay I will, I wrote character backgrounds and do digital art regularly so of that will help get us to our goal I'll do whatever I can.

Please dm me if you want anything, I'm desperate.

#help #commission #in need #desperate #cats #moving out #donations #please help us

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sanakoreanlangblr · 4 years ago

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2021 Goals

Heyy! I’ve decided to put my goals for this year here, hoping that that might motivate me further, and maybe motivate someone else as well. Good luck everyone! And please take extra care of yourselves and your health, mental or otherwise! Everything else can wait.

This year has been difficult for all of us. As for me, even now, the upcoming semester is a big question mark. Currently I’m studying in France, and this semester I was supposed to go on an exchange to Taiwan buuuut that’s not happening anymore, as it has been cancelled. So per my school’s requirements I need to find an internship in the place of expatriation, which is a pain now. And that basically just means I have no idea where I’m going to be in the coming year or what I’m gonna be doing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Sorry, needed to complain for a bit, as I am going absolutely insane with the stress…

Anywayyyy, I still hope I will be able to uphold most of these goals, wherever I will end up. I tried to not make them overly big, so that I won’t get burned out too fast. But I have a whole year for those, some of these have dates for which I could expect to finish but I will not keep to them very strictly. Whatever happens, happens :))

Also, sorry if there are any mistakes, English is not my first language!

Korean (A2 -> B1)

1. Do 100 lessons of grammar from the HowToStudyKorean website.

I’ve started a few grammar books but in the end decided to settle on this website as I like its explanations best, and it provides the most example sentences when introducing each point. A nice touch is also the fact that it includes a list of a number of new words before each chapter, which gives me some new vocabulary to learn :)

So far I’ve divided the grammar points introduced in lessons into „to learn”, „to revise”, „already know”, and turns out I have:

66 „to learn”

35 „to revise”

32 „already know”

So if I did 3 points a week, I should be done around August.

2. Read 2 little stories per week from “Easy Korean Reading for Beginners”.

There is 30 stories in the first one (I already did 5), so I should be done by the middle of April.

3. Do one chapter per week from “My first hanja guide”.

I just got this book for Christmas and haven’t had the time to fully go through it so we will see how it goes.

4. Do Anki at least three times a week.

Every day would be preferable but I know that would last like a week at most.

5. Have iTalki lesson at least once a week.

That one is not a problem as I have been doing one or two per week for the last year, but I would just like to keep it up.

6. Try writing at least twice a month, and at least 2 pages.

Yeahhh that one is a bit of a bother, as writing still takes me a long time so we will leave it a twice a month and see how it goes.

7. Watch one youtube video per week on Korean grammar or vocabulary.

Generally I would say my goal is to use Korean more, as I know quite a lot but when I’m speaking I tend to go towards the easier words and grammar, which is why I am thinking that writing more could help me. And also I really want to focus on learning vocabulary as that’s always been a pain for me, I’m more of a grammar lover :))

French (A2 -> hoping for upper B1/ beginning of B2)

1. Finish the intermediate grammar book. I’m currently doing „Grammaire Progressive du Français” Intermediate edition, for A2/B1.

The problem is that my grammar knowledge of french is a mess , so going through this book is a bit of an annoyance, as most chapters I technically know but each time I find some nuance I wasn’t aware of... therefore I need to go through it, even the chapters I would have assumed I know :|

So I divided the chapters the same way I did Korean, into „to learn”, „to revise”, „already know”, and I ended up with:

14 „to learn”

34 „to revise”

4 „already know”

So technically if I did 2 points a week, I should be done in June.

2. Read the two french books I got for Christmas (“Les aventures d’Alice au pays des merveilles” and “Le tour du monde en quatre-vingts jours”).

3. Read at least two of the Harry Potter books in French.

I have started the first one this week, and I can tell it’s gonna be a very very slow process. It’s the first book I’m reading in french so it’s a bit difficult and frustrating but hopefully it’ll get better as I go along.

4. Watch at least 4 french movies, with french subtitles.

5. Learn a french song.

6. Read one story per week from „French Stories for Beginners”.

These are quite easy, but they are a nice practice for switching to books later on.

I don’t know if I’m gonna keep this one in, depends on how much my reading of actual books will progress.

7. Get to point 5 on the Duolingo tree.

I use Duolingo mostly as a revision tool, so I’m not really going to focus on it much, but still want to keep it up.

8. Watch one YouTube video per week (on any topic).

9. Listen to two podcasts per month.

10. At least one iTalki lesson per week.

11. Do Anki at least 3 times a week.

I really need to listen to french more, as I’m good at reading and I usually understand that pretty well, and I’m not the worst as speaking, but I am absolutely terrible at listening :| So that’s a priority.

Chinese (tbh I don’t know...end of HSK1/Beginning of HSK2 -> let’s say the goal is HSK3 for this year)

1. Finish the book „Integrated Chinese”

I’m having a tough time to pick a book from which to learn but I guess for now I’ll continue with that one.

Again, I divided the points in the book to „to learn”, „to revise”, „already know”, and ended up with:

47 „to learn”

11 „to revise”

15 „already know”

So doing 2 a week I should be done in July.

2. Learn 15 characters a day

I am way behind on learning characters.. I remember the words well but I didn’t put enough time to learn the characters at the start and now that’s gonna be a bit annoying to catch up on :|

3. Finish the drama „Go Ahead”.

4. Watch 3 Chinese movies, with both English and Chinese subtitles.

5. Have one Italki lesson per week.

6. Learn a children song in Chinese

7. Watch one youtube video per week on grammar.

8. Do Anki twice a week.

Generally focus more on characters. My speaking isn’t terrible (well besides the tones), but I need to work on the grammar a bit more as I seem to mess up the structures quite frequently. I need to put more work outside of my lessons. Since I found out I’m actually not going to Taiwan this semester my motivation has fallen a bit, but on the other hand I now have more time to prepare for fall, at which point I will hopefully be able to go!

Personal

Read 20 books.

I have always loved reading but in the past two years the amount of books I’ve read has gone down, which upsets me a bit… On the other hand the amount of fanfiction I’ve read is tremendous, so there’s that. However I would like to make more effort to read this year, especially since I’ve accumulated a huge pile of books over those few years.

2. Workout regularly.

Right now I’m at home, so that should be easy to do. I don’t really know what’s gonna happen this semester, so we’ll see what I’m going to do about that later.

3. Eat better.

Meaning: cut down on sugar, eat more veggies and fruit.

4. Get a bit closer to my ideal weight

I’m not necessarily focusing on that this year as the previous one has been hell and really managed to deteriorate my mental health back to high school levels... but still hopefully working out a bit and eating less sugar, more veggies, I will be able to lose a tiny bit of weight. But overall I just want to focus on being a bit healthier.

5. Clean out my wardrobe

Sorry that’s a silly one but I’ve been getting to it for half a year now and I’m just too lazy to do that... maybe once I put it here I will have some motivation

6. Take care of my face and hair

So my sensitive skin hates wearing masks and needs extra care these days I need to really focus on it and baby it, to not go back to the awful red mess it was two months ago

As for my hair, I have kind of 3a curls which I haven’t been taking care of properly and plus I damaged them with hair dye (still I refuse to give up ginger hair, I blame Merida). So now during lockdown and quarantine season I finally had some time to read up on hair care of curls, and honestly after a month I can already see the difference, and well I hope for the best :)))

7. Get a tattoo

It’s something I’ve always put off since I either didn’t have the money or time. And now again both are problematic, so I will wait for the decision until I know what my school semester is going to be like. Maybe this time I will find a good moment! (Although honestly saving up for travelling after all this is over is also a great idea :))) )

8. Don’t go to sleep at 5

Yeah so during lockdown and because of online classes my sleeping schedule got so messed up I don’t even know what to do about it anymore. And while my goal isn’t to switch it to 10 pm, cutting it to 2 am at max would be nice

9. Watch 25 movies

10. Sell/donate the things that I don’t need

I’ve accumulated a huge pile of books, movies, CDs, Xbox games, art products - that I need to get rid of - and I’ve been saying that for like three years now, about the same pile of things. I will try to do that one this year!

I hope everyone’s 2021 will be a ton better than 2020! Keep fighting!

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memorylang · 4 years ago

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12 Months’ Pandemic Chronicled | #51 | March 2021

Happy Palm Sunday yesterday, and Happy Passover from the night before! Right under two weeks ago, March 16, 2O2I, marked the one-year anniversary to the close of my first Peace Corps Mongolia service. While I’ve continued to serve virtually, I’ve done so informally as a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer. Having lived these past 12 months back in the States, today’s tales chronicle that year.

Also commemorating the one-year anniversary, I’ve uploaded dozens of photos from my first nine months serving Mongolia. You can find those on my Instagram and Facebook, from February and March. I begin today’s stories with those. From there, I chronicle my journey across the year.

Evacuating Mongolia (February 2O2O)

February’s final week, on Ash Wednesday 2O2O, I was in Mongolia celebrating the third day of Tsagaan Sar, its Lunar New Year. Returning to my apartment from my last supper, I read an email from Peace Corps Mongolia that we were evacuating. I pulled an all-nighter packing my apartment. Shortly after sunrise, I visited a Peace Corps neighbor’s apartment to pack theirs. Then in my final two days, I said hasty goodbyes to community members, exchanging parting gifts.

Sunday morning, which began Peace Corps Week and March 2O2O, I and fellow Volunteers loaded into Peace Corps vehicles and rode in our caravan till evening. Then the snowstorm caused us to need to stay overnight in a hotel coincidentally located in a city that my cohort would frequent during our summer 2OI9 for training. My evacuation group reached Mongolia’s capital Monday afternoon, with briefings from staff throughout Tuesday. Mongolia had already begun to enforce mask-wearing and physical-distancing, so we couldn’t do much with our final hours in Mongolia. Indeed, since mid-January, many public places had already closed due to quarantine.

Wednesday night, the week after my peers and I had received notice of our evacuation and now mere hours before my group would depart the country, we awaited the arrival of fellow Peace Corps peers to the capital. For, Peace Corps staff staggered our arrivals into and departures from the capital to account for both the time drivers would need to assemble us from across the nation and the limited flight options still going out of the country. Those of us who remained awake through our final night enjoyed getting to see and embrace peers for our final moments together.

Over the course of Thursday, March 5, my group flew first from Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia, through Moscow, Russia, to Berlin, Germany. Many of our itineraries diverged. From Germany, I and a few flew to Amsterdam, the Netherlands. From the Netherlands, I and a couple others flew to New York, New York. I slept four and a half hours’ in a hotel. Then I flew alone Friday from New York to Las Vegas, Nevada. I returned to my home of junior high and high school in North Las Vegas.

American Twilight Zone (March 2O2O)

My first few weeks in the States felt weird, not just because of reverse culture shock. Back in Mongolia, fellow Peace Corps Volunteers, particularly Health Volunteers, had followed American media and read that our presidential administration had been downplaying the COVID-19 pandemic. Problematically, too, when leaders acknowledged it, some labeled it the “China virus” and accused Asians of spreading it. These set the tone.

When I arrived in New York, I felt perturbed by the lack of mask-wearing and physical distancing. The morning when I’d fly out, I felt annoyed when the worker who checked me into my flight joked that I might have the virus since I’d flown in from Mongolia. Mongolia had no COVID cases—and wouldn’t have its first community transmission till November 11, 2O2O. Friends, too, when I said that I’d come back, distrusted that I couldn’t have the virus. So, although Peace Corps peers and I had already been quarantining nearly a month and a half before returning to the States—and very much craved to reconnect with folks—we found ourselves again isolated.

Then Vegas felt weird. Nevada had reported its first COVID case the day before I returned, yet Mongolia hadn’t any. Yet Mongolia had shut down, and Nevada hadn’t. Society moved as though little was happening. My brothers still had school and were gone most of most days. Dad worked weekdays out-of-town. Thus, while I lived again in the States, even inside my family’s home, I was the only one around. I felt lonelier than how’d I’d felt before leaving my life abroad.

The Filipina family of my father’s fiancée was perhaps the most understanding of my circumstances. The oldest daughter was celebrating her birthday that first Sunday, March 8, since my return to the States. So, I got to join them in enjoying the occasion. As I’d come to learn, Mongolia and the Philippines had more cultural similarities than I’d expected. I’d also feel dismayed to learn that people weren’t treating the youngest daughter kindly in her food service role, for some customers believed that her being Asian meant that she had the Coronavirus.

Resettling Into Lent (March 2O2O)

Most every morning, my first few days and weeks, tracks from Disney's “Frozen II” became my anthems. I’d seen the film that Friday, March 6, when I’d flown alone back to Vegas. I’d connected especially with “Show Yourself,” “Some Things Never Change” and “The Next Right Thing.” I started to learn the lyrics not only in English but also in Mandarin Chinese and Spanish.

My local church was still open. Meanwhile, in Mongolia, our church had been closed for nearly months. So, I attended services daily. I overheard old parishioners wondering what all this pandemic talk was about. I visited Reconciliation and a Stations of the Cross service. I applied to sing in the choir with which my late mom sang.

My second week in the States, church and schools closed. Meanwhile, Peace Corps announced its global evacuation. My peers and I weren’t to expect to return to Mongolia this summer and instead were to expect that fall would be the soonest. My youngest brother’s hs senior spring ended abruptly, so he stuck around at the house. Our oldest brother left to quarantine with his girlfriend and her sisters.

I cleaned much in and around the house. My greatest achievement early in the pandemic was to lead a garage clean-up with all siblings when my sisters visited. The task enabled us to at last park a vehicle in it once more. My siblings and I donated, too, decades of belongings.

Among the unearthing, I dove deep into family history. I wrote up my understanding of my father's and my late mother's ancestries, which were also mine. Months later, I'd join WikiTree, talk to distant relatives and migrate large swathes of history onto the platform.

Easter in Action (April–May 2O2O)

Gloom seemed to enshroud the world by Easter. I saw from the telly the Vatican's Lenten services, witnessing Pope Francis’ words from his city to the world and for Holy Week. His Good Friday Way of the Cross felt especially moving, for prisoners had written beautiful reflections that made me realize how little of a prison our quarantine was.

My younger sister in LA had also returned to visit Vegas. I resumed daily exercise routines, including trying to concurrently complete handheld video games and walk miles on the treadmill. This began my May push to make the most of my days back in America. I kicked up a daily Duolingo habit, rising through leagues, and talked regularly with Mongols during early mornings. Such helped my sanity, especially when state offices gave me a hard time trying to get the unemployment assistance to which lawmakers entitled evacuated Returned Peace Corps Volunteers.

Around Memorial Day, an uncle and aunt visited from Kansas to celebrate my youngest brother’s high school graduation online. The relatives also took my siblings, a family friend and me on my first national parks trip in years. We saw Saguaro, Great Basin and Capitol Reef. During the trip I’d grown my Goodreads library and soon enough uncovered the Libby app. The journey led me too to begin a pensive look back on my life.

Summer in Reno (June–July 2O2O)

Dad remarried on June 6, 2020. Shortly thereafter, I relocated to Reno to help Pa and Stepma (“Tita”) handle copious amounts of yard work. With more time to reflect, I took up the request of a homebound friend to pray rosaries daily over the phone with him.

Another friend of mine was going through a dark patch too but had a love of films. So each morning I’d rise early to see one of his recommendations then discuss it while working the yard if I wasn’t praying a rosary. I fondly recall the conversations while trimming plants, as I wander the Reno backyard even now.

Near the same time, the friend and another encouraged me to tell my stories. So I began to write a memoir, on which he’d give feedback. The other friend had me appear on his podcast. Both experiences made the summer feel very whole. In memory of my first summer in Mongolia 2OI9, I also wrote a more detailed series on those experiences. [Arrival (June 2OI9), Meeting Host Family (July 2OI9), Summer’s End (August 2OI9)]

I celebrated my 23rd birthday in Vegas with an overnight vigil, praying 23 rosaries alone and with Catholic friends from around the globe. I felt such joy to reconnect meaningfully with so many across languages and cultures. Languages became a growing theme for me. I’d also begun again playing Pokémon GO after having not played since 2OI6.

That summer, I finished seeing “Star Wars: The Clone Wars” (Season 7) as well as relevant bits from “Star Wars: Rebels.” I kept up with the Japanese episodes of “Pokémon Journeys: The Series.” Those, I’ve watched with English subtitles to know what’s happening. I’d also begun to read chapters of the Bible daily, at that time checking in weekly with an ol' friend. I started with Acts then Proverbs, Ephesians then Psalms. Meanwhile came Hebrews and John. Then were Ruth and Matthew. Now I read 1 Kings and Mark. I’d grown to appreciate both the Hebrew and Christian Bibles with renewed interest.

Autumn Languages (August–September 2O2O)

Much of that fall, I was back in Reno. Yet, my younger brother had also come to Reno for his undergraduate fall semester. The guest room where I’d stayed quickly became his room, which left me a tad displaced. Still, I stuck through. Mornings, I rose early to read through a Latin textbook before daily conversations with a close friend who’d majored in classics as an undergrad.

Meanwhile, I’d stepped up to arrange meetings with Congressional lawmakers on behalf of the National Peace Corps Association. I’d also taken on roles within my alma mater Honors College and within the Social Justice Task Force for the American Psychological Association’s Society for the Psychology of Religion and Spirituality. I kept people organized and took notes during meetings. Meanwhile, my siblings and I had been starting a scholarship foundation, so I’d taken point on negotiating a partnership with the Vegas-based Public Education Foundation.

As a nice break, I joined friends I’d met in high school on their near-monthly trips to national and state parks. These sights included Lassen Volcanic, Burney Falls and Tahoe’s Emerald Bay. Realizing that I wouldn’t return to Mongolia that fall, I booked a Department of Motor Vehicles appointment to renew my learner’s permit—The earliest appointment would be in December.

In entertainment news, I’d finished seeing “Queer Eye: We’re in Japan,” “Love on the Spectrum” and “Midnight Gospel.” I’d also started playing “Pokémon Masters EX” when I’d heard that it included characters from multiple generations. I enjoyed how the stories felt new yet nostalgic.

National Park Winter (October, November, December 2O2O)

October was a great month for my spiritual life. I got to attend my youngest sister’s Confirmation. I enjoyed my first retreat in years. I also got to tape videos for my alma mater.

Then I returned to Vegas some weeks to complete more yard work. I’d also relocated belongings in different rooms and was able to have my own bedroom back in Vegas. This gave me a decent space in which to work. From November, I’ve also been hosting weekly video calls to help Mongols from my community abroad continue to practice English.

I’d also listened to Riordan audiobooks, “Blood of Olympus” and “Hidden Oracle,” and various authors’ financial literacy materials. By December, “Kafka on the Shore” was a real highlight. In Reno, I saw too “The Mandalorian” (Seasons 1–2), emphatically recommended by a friend with whom I’d hiked at Red Rock Canyon. My other friends and I reunited to try again at Crater Lake and succeeded.

My siblings and I partnered with the Vegas-based Public Education Foundation to launch our family LinYL Foundation to honor our late mother with scholarships for students. Though my formal role’s within outreach, I’ve done a fair bit of organizational leadership given my undergrad experiences. I’ve also been helping another non-profit start-up. Through it, I’ve gotten to meet alumni of overseas programs.

My family celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas in Vegas with our stepsisters. I’d also celebrated American Independence Day with them. Christmas felt peculiar, as I’d returned from Mongolia to Vegas the Christmas before, too!

Then my national parks friends and I hit a new record, seeing Walnut Canyon, Petrified Forest, Meteor Crater, Sedona’s Devil’s Bridge and the Grand Canyon. Having successfully renewed my learner’s permit, I scheduled my driving test for the earliest date—February. I returned to Reno and at New Year’s reunited with friends for whom I’d participated in their wedding the year before.

Road to Rejuvenation (January–February 2O2I)

Following the U.S. elections came the presidential inauguration. I felt more at peace with the state of the nation after that. Though U.S. politics have absorbed media significantly throughout the pandemic, I felt relieved by the calls for unity and returns to political normalcy from Inauguration Day.

Meanwhile, I sought to kick off 2O2I strong, with renewed optimism and control. I practiced driving almost daily. I’d seen “Daredevil” (Season 3) too and progressed in the Blue Lions story of my younger sister’s “Fire Emblem: Three Houses” copy. At February’s start, after years of challenges, I secured my driver’s license.

Mid-February, my national parks friends and I saw Utah’s Mighty Five. Our trip spanned Canyonlands, Arches, Capitol Reef (different section), Escalante, Bryce Canyon and Zion. I got to help drive at the end from Vegas to Reno, a major milestone.

Thanks to Discord, I attended a virtual alumni reunion of my high school alma mater. I experienced our school's recreation in “Minecraft: Java Edition,” wandering into the classroom where I used to play “Minecraft” as a freshman. In “RuneScape,” after 12 years on-off, I’d achieved level 99 in all but the newest skill. I'd even gotten the characters I wanted in “Pokémon Masters EX” and nearly finished my Kanto Pokédex in “Pokémon GO.” (I've never before completed a Pokédex.)

I finished February recording music for my undergrad parish’s online edition to our annual performance for “Living Stations of the Cross.” I got to lector at and attend a friend’s baptism. I’d also soaked up my youngest sister’s boyfriend’s Disney+ again and saw “WandaVision” entirely. Its takes on grief and joy astounded.

Social Justice (March 2O2I)

These bring me to where and how I am today. I write from Reno, Nev., where snow had fallen and the weather grown warmer. Spring is here.

The announcement of increasing vaccines gave me lots of hope. Since I've lost so many people this past year to COVID-19 and other conditions I'm grateful that we may near the end. An email from and a check-in call with Peace Corps confirmed that summer would be the soonest I’m going back abroad. Still, I’ve kept in touch with my people in Mongolia.

My older brother and his girlfriend moved into the Vegas house, so I haven’t felt as obligated to be there. Thus, I’ve focused more time on the church in Reno.

A great fount of a spiritual joy for me has been getting to help lector for my college parish’s weekly Proclamations of the Word. I received particular acclaim for my reading from 2 Chronicles, for Lent’s Fourth Sunday, which delighted me. At the time I’d been reading 1 Kings, so I’d enjoyed recognizing parallels. In some ways the exercises are like a miniature college course. Beyond regular Sundays and Holy Week, I’d also lectored for such feast days as St. Joseph’s Day (March 19) and the Annunciation (March 25).

My siblings’ and my family foundation chose our first year of recipients. It’s been an exciting process, reading and witnessing our inspiring candidates. I hope that I'll get to meet these students someday, but ah, the pandemic.

I’ve gotten back into “Frozen II,” thanks to its authentic behind-the-scenes docuseries. I've also passed the one-year anniversary of my first seeing the film. Each morning I’ve sought to see something on Disney's platform—real' nice.

Our psychological division’s presidential task force for Social Justice released our statement about the Capitol riots, which received strong critics but stronger supporters. Then came the Atlanta situation.

In my U.S. Week 5I (Feb. 19–25), during a walk past the nearby elementary school, I’d had an unpleasant personal experience that led me to feel very grateful when the #StopAsianHate campaign began. I’ll likely share more later, but today’s blog story is about done.

Hope and Easter 2O2I (April 2O2I)

At the last Adoration activity before Easter, our parish offered Reconciliation, so I returned again. Absolution offers such sweet cleansing for my mind and soul. Now Holy Week begins. I'm still lectoring, too!

This summer, I hope to write more on my memoir. I’m still revising my research. I'm set to finish all five tiers of Duolingo Latin tomorrow. Then I'll get back to my textbook.

I still delight in chatting with ol’ friends. My national parks homies and I will hit Redwood next weekend. Then my parish has Spring Retreat. I look forward to getting vaccinated in coming months then hugging folks forevermore.

You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :)

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lushjewels · 4 years ago

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This is Beau, the absolute light of my life and my fiancé's. We adopted him in February of 2020 as an emotional support kitty. We also adopted him because he was coming from a home that was not taking good care of him, and so he needed a home that could love and take care of him. From the moment the previous owner placed him into my arms he snuggled right into my neck like a baby and I knew he was meant to be ours. The past year has been full of love and laughter with this little cat. He has so much personality, and is the most loving and cuddly cat you could ask for. We have spoiled him rotten and he is the center of our little family. I even bought him a stroller to take him for walks. He was exactly what I needed during a very difficult time for my mental health. He brought me back. Gave me something to live for, to work for, to get up out of bed and try for. He just turned 2 on February 24th 2021.

This past month our whole world was turned upside down. We noticed he was being very distant and didn't want to be held, which is not at all like him. At one point when I tried to pick him up he started coughing and gasping. I was absolutely distraught with panic. We rushed him to the pet ER and then to another ER, and it was determined he has pleural effusion due to chyle. Otherwise known as Chylothorax. Which has a very poor prognosis. We were devastated. They removed the fluid and gave us a minimal chance with a supplement and low fat diet and instructions to come back in about a week. We followed the rules perfectly, but unfortunately learned a few days later that the fluid had come back very quickly and had come back in a large amount. The problem is that this illness is not well known or researched and there are very few options. His chest was continuing to fill with fluid, compressing his heart and lungs, and making it difficult for him to breathe. Unfortunately after several diagnostic tests it was determined that Beau's case was idiopathic meaning there was no definite cause. This meant we were extremely limited in what we could do. And beyond that, we could not just continue to drain the fluid as over time his heart and lungs would become scarred and struggle to function properly. The vet told us that we will need to discuss letting him go or discuss surgery. The vet made very clear to us that the chances for a positive outcome following surgery are very low, and we would be looking at a bill close to 10,000. With this in mind my Fiancé and I made the heart wrenching decision that it was not fair to put him through something like that, and that we simply cannot afford that steep of a bill, especially after what we have already paid. This absolutely broke us. I spent every day driving home from work in tears knowing that soon I would not be coming home to him anymore. We are getting married soon and Beau was supposed to be in our wedding photos, he was supposed to be the cat our children grew up with. He is our little baby, how are we supposed to let him go, especially when he is so young and so otherwise filled with life.

Despite all of those feelings we made the decision that humane euthanasia was the only option we could take. We would not continue to have his chest drained knowing it was hurtful and stressful to him, we could not continue to torture him. We planned to bring him for one more chest tap on a Thursday and had decided that on Saturday we would let him go.

After bringing him to the vet Thursday for a final chest drainage to make him comfortable before Saturday, I received a call from a different vet that happened to be in charge of Beau for the day. She stated that with different techniques, he could live a full life, and she had seen this done many times at other hospitals. She also told me the price tag would be much lower. We were ecstatic. We were going to save him. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted. I was finally crying happy tears. I didn't have to say goodbye.

And then the surgery department called with the estimate. While the doctor may have been right about his better odds of success and a full life, she was not correct about the price. We were still looking at a minimum of 12,000 and possibly more. This tore our hearts wide open. We felt like we finally had a chance, and here it was being ripped away again.

We tried every financing option under the sun but as a student in graduate school myself and my fiancé working as many hours as he can, we simply were not approved for any personal financing options, and the vet is unable to do any in-house financing. They did help us reduce some of the possible surgical costs to lower the initial deposit to 6,000, but the total may still reach that 12,000 plus the 8,000 we have already paid.

So here we are, asking for help. We love this little cat more than words can describe. He has given us so much love, and we want to be able to do everything we can for him to live a full and happy life, because he deserves it. This 2 year old cat is so sweet and innocent and it is so unfair for him to be taken so soon, especially when he could be fixed.

Any money raised will go directly towards his vet bills he has already incurred as well as trying to pay for his surgery. The surgery would close off the duct leaking the fluid, remove the membrane from around his heart to prevent it from scarring and limiting his heart's ability to function, and would also have a chest tube placed, that would require us to drain it regularly until the fluid is stopped. With these interventions cats have a good quality of life, and if it is successful, after a few weeks or months, my little man can have the tube removed and live his full well deserved life.

Anyone who is able to help in any way I am so thankful to you, and I cannot emphasize enough how indebted we are to everyone who steps forward. Even if you are unable to donate if you could please spread this message and help us, you are still helping Beau

😽😽😽BEAU UPDATE😽😽😽

Beau is officially home following surgery to place a pleural port to aide in removing fluid from his chest with less risk to his heart and lungs. This measure allows us some more valuable time in order to get the funds together to get his complete surgery. We have Beau set up in a special play pen to keep him safe while he recovers. He will have to be in this for 2 weeks. He has to wear a surgical suit and a cone/donut as well and gets medications twice a day. He also has to be kept from his sister Pam who is absolutely distraught that she cannot see him. He goes for his first fluid drain from the port on Tuesday.

We had a bit of a scare when the vet called to tell me that the day after surgery he spontaneously stopped breathing and had to be revived. It is because this fluid build up is so hard on his little heart and lungs, he can only take so much. His situation is truly critical.

To quote the vet directly:

"Surgery Discharge Instructions Date: 05-21-2021

Case: 2355365 Diagnosis: Persistent chylothorax

Procedure: Pleuroport placement

Placement of a pleuroport allows for easier removal of fluid from Beau's chest. It does not prevent or treat the cause of the chylothorax. Beau will continue to produce fluid into his chest and continue to need periodic fluid removal from his chest. "

In order to truly attempt to cure his diagnosis we would have to start with a CT and angiogram and then a second surgery. I am including pictures of the costs for the surgery that was already done, and what still needs to be done. The second surgery estimate would likely be somewhat lower due to the pleural port placement already being done.

I want to personally thank each and every person who has stepped in to help in any way. Jake, myself and my family are so grateful, and are so blessed to have such a wonderful community.

If you have not already, please consider reading our story on our gofundme page and please consider sharing or donating. Every dollar and every share gets us closer to giving this guy the happy and healthy full life that he deserves. If anyone has any questions please feel free to reach out to me.

https://gofund.me/d1dcff57

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theinnerhalf · 4 years ago

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2019 in Review: Highlights

Making a venture back into writing again with this “year in review”. I guess I’m slightly less damaged than I was last year and have finally built the courage to write about how this year was for me, even some dark times included. Thank you 2019, for not much, but I guess thank you. A “fuck you” would be more appropriate but regardless, I’m grateful. Let’s do this.

January 2019

An extremely slow start to the new year, as it usually is when it comes to me. My January’s tend to be bleak, gray, and cold especially considering the coming down from a constant holiday high. I spent this first month with friends I could call my family, regularly going out as much as we could while the two military guys (EJ and James) are here for the time being. In this month as well, I got to finally meet up with my ex who I can now proudly call a friend. Diana and I were able to catch up extensively to make up for all the lost time, talking about things like how we’ve been, the changes, the constants, and occasionally reminiscing. I know I’ve felt at peace before already, for having her back into my life rather than staying a bittersweet memory, but getting to catch up like this was a whole other type of joy I didn’t know I needed. As for the picture of the pants, I finally made the decision to buy a pair of jeans that I wanted soooo so bad from one of my favorite designers.

February

Goodness...Where do I even start for this month?...Like January, February for me is usually bleak. Regardless it being a month for “love”, it sucked. Maybe the worst for me in the year. The start of this month wasn’t all too bad though! There was a fashion show that Celine was walking/modeling for held at Rice University in order to celebrate Asian cultures and Chinese New Year. The show overall was alright...I guess it was just nice to be out supporting Celine and whatnot. I thought this month would at least provide a break for me, but just five days later, my grandma was sent to the ICU after suffering from a stroke...It happened so suddenly...Celine and I were at an outing when the two of us came back to my place and ran into my dad who was leaving in a hurry. He had a lost look on his face, as well as panicky and shifty eyes. He broke the news to us and had the sinking feeling in me hit so fast. The next thing I know, we’re at the hospital waiting room, anxiously waiting to be briefed with (hopefully) good news. I remember disassociating when the doctor had finally came to us, thinking that this really couldn’t be happening...not to us...not to my dad. I remember thinking that this isn’t fair...We literally had just gotten her into our lives’ and now we’re losing her.

We spent the following week trading stays at the hospital between my siblings and cousins. I can’t remember the proper psychology term for the feeling of false hope and security for an event that seems to be too horrible to be true, but that was what I had felt for the entire time. There’s no way that my family could lose our grandma like this...and not this soon. Just a day before my grandma’s stroke happened, she was asking when my younger sister and I were going to get married. The two of us looked at each other like, “What the fuuuu--? Where is this coming from?” My grandma explained shortly after that she felt as if she didn’t have much longer for her time here with us, and that she wanted to have the honor to make the dresses and suits for Lacel’s or my wedding. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t stop thinking about how cruel and merciless the world could be, but also at the same time, that I should’ve known better and that I should be used to this...I should be but I would rather not. I think it was after a week and a half where I found that my grandma would be transferred to a hospice. My family had told me this and I was under the impression that hospices were for people who had recovered enough that they don’t need to be in a hospital but still needed professional caretakers. I told this to Andrew and Quin and they both shared painful and shocked expressions with each other. I asked why they were looking at each other like that and then they broke it to me that hospices were for people who didn’t have much time left. I remember crying in front of them that day during work.

Virginia Barreda passed away, February 19, 2019. My family grieved separately and in different ways. I slept off the entire day...The picture of the room was how my grandma left the room right before she was taken to the hospital and was left untouched for the entire duration of the situation. I embarrassingly and shamefully made a gofundme to help raise money so that my family and I could attend her final farewell back home in the Philippines. I thought it wouldn’t get anywhere...but my heart...I was so surprised to see the amount of love and support that friends and even strangers had decided to put out, and I was touched beyond anything I had ever expected. A big thank you to those who donated and have come across this post by any way. You have my sincerest gratitude and even with that, I cannot thank you enough.

To end the note on a positive note at least, Celine and I hit one year at the end of this month. Amazing.

March

My family and I were in such a weird head space entering this month. There was a lot of recovering to be made and coming out of the state of denial from my grandma’s passing. It was like a new chapter of our lives abruptly opened itself onto us and we all did not know how to proceed. My dad was stressing out over medical expenses and how we were going to afford to bring the entire family to Philippines for my grandma’s final resting place. I did my best to keep the gofundme a secret from him, because knowing my dad, he would not accept the money under any condition. He only came to find out about it because some of his friends and relatives came across it, donated, and then told him about how sentimental and touching my gofundme passage was. He just asked why, and I regrettably said that it was because we were struggling out here and all I wanted to do was help. After some convincing with the help of my two sister’s, my dad accepted the help and agreed that we can now at least afford to take my dad for the initial ceremony while the rest of us would follow-up, hopefully in the summer or late 2019.

The first picture in this month’s set is of the Pieta in Italy, taken by Lacel. Lacel was on a two week school trip, while in the second picture is the view my dad had while his two week stay in the Philippines. Both my older sister and I stayed at home while envying our dad’s and Lacel’s experiences. Their trips only served as motivation for me to save up a lot more for Japan and I really wanted to make that happen no matter what. Even if it meant me going alone, I was ready to accept it.

The following pictures of Lacel are when they came back from Italy and celebrated their two years of being clean/no relapses. I know I rarely ever let it be known, but I really do care and love my younger sister a lot, and to see them make it this far in the span of two years meant so much to me. I’m glad that my family was able to celebrate that milestone in Lacel’s life because it was definitely quite the journey. The last photo is of my car’s fourth brake light functioning again with Travis’ help and was fixed just in time for the long drive to Marfa.

April

Really, the only one significant highlight for this month, which I am incredibly excited to share, was the moderately spontaneous trip I took out to Marfa, Texas with Yentl. I do have to say, the two of us were quite ambitious for taking on this trip by leaving Houston around 12am shortly, after grabbing oh my gogi and some boba. With the help of a trenta iced coffee, I was able to knock out 6 hours of the 8 hour drive. While the drive was a lot of fun, I started getting really sleepy around the 4 hour mark but it started raining extremely hard after we had passed San Antonio. I was so reluctant to switch over to Yentl driving because I had been losing traction every now and then. It was only until the sun rose that we finally had passed the rain. I shortly knocked out after the switch.

I woke up to Yentl ecstatically saying, “We’re heeeeere!” I opened my eyes and was immediately blinded, forgetting that daytime was a thing. But from the short time my eyes were open, I saw a railroad and buildings styled from days of the past. I fought to keep my eyes open only to tell myself, maybe five more minutes. As soon as we parked, Yentl and I took the opportunity to walk around.The weather was pleasant, not too hot and not too cold either. The humidity that seems to be a pestering presence in Houston was nowhere to be found in Marfa, so the daytime stroll was bliss. The two of us checked out Marfa’s welcome sign, the city hall (only from the outside because it was closed), a couple of local shops and art galleries, and the hotel Paisano, a hotel best known for having a movie shot in it.

All the walking had made us hungry...That and the only thing inside of us were boba and caffeine. Yentl and I checked out a place called Aster’s that was primarily a breakfast joint recommended to us by a person working at the welcome center. We both got an egg’s benedict. Me with a lemonade, and her an iced coffee. After eating, we proceeded to go to our Airbnb located 30 minutes away at another small town called Alpine. The Airbnb’s neighborhood was located in some rural area with cliffs surrounding it all. The Airbnb itself was a small and cute place that was divided into just three small parts: the bedroom, living room, and a bathroom. Yentl and I freshened up, put on the new fits, and made our way back to Marfa.

Headed back, we decided that we would first go see the outlandish Prada store located in the middle of the desert. The Prada store itself is a permanent art installation by artists Elmgreen and Dragset, built with the concept of using biodegradable materials so that the art installation could eventually return and be reclaimed back to Earth as all things eventually do. The drive to Prada, Marfa was an unexpectedly longer drive than I thought. It was a non-stop view of your textbook Western landscape...Desolate, scattered with ordinary desert shrubbery, and one thing to set it apart, a lonely, silver blimp just casually floating at the wind’s mercy.

When we finally arrived, it looked surreal to say the least. The building was so unexpectedly placed, yet at the same time, it wasn’t intrusive to the desert landscape. There were less people there than I had thought, which made it easier for Yentl and I to take the photos we wanted. What a pleasant oddity it was, I thought, to even drive eight hours just to see this left me with a sense of fulfillment knowing that this had been on my personal bucket list for quite some time.

The two of us made our way back to the city to kill some more time before it was time to see the mystery Marfa lights. We checked out a bookstore placed in the lobby of a hotel, wandered around the from one edge of the town to the other, checked out some more art galleries, and ate dinner at a local BBQ place. The sun was on the verge of setting so we headed to the viewing area that was located right beside the highway. We got there conveniently early and was able to secure a good parking spot as there was not even a designated parking lot. Yentl and I situated ourselves onto a bench with a clear view of the field. We both sat there in amazement of the sunset…layers on layers of colors dancing in the sky, almost a love letter to us from the sun itself, as it sank over the horizon, tucking itself in to say goodnight. The two of us couldn’t wrap our heads around the fact that we actually did this, an 8-hour drive to see some art and an unexplained natural phenomenon that happens in the desert at night. We really did this.

The sky turned from its calm lilac tones to an enveloping darkness and what followed were gasps of oooooh’s and aaaaah’s. It was finally happening. We peered over the horizon, somewhat confused, and there it was. Beside a constant blinking red light, appeared the mystery lights, bobbing up and down inconsistently, disappearing and reappearing on a whims notice. Yentl and I watched in awe and pondered about the mysteries of life like, does the supernatural exist, are there aliens out there, and what does it truly mean to love? Apart from the mystery lights themselves, the stars overhead was truly a sight to take in. The indescribable feeling of being small while looking up at the stars happens to be a favorite sensation of mine, but only this time, I was overwhelmed by it. I found a completely empty bench to lay down on just to look up. It must have been the most relaxed I have been since forever and I never wanted the feeling to end…But as all good things do, it did. Yentl and I made our way back to our Airbnb after catching what seemed to be a UFO flying above us. Marfa truly was surreal.

The two of us rested for the night, packed our stuff the next day, and made our way on the long journey back home.

May

The start of this month initially started incredibly slow. Not much has been done aside from learning how to shoot better on film which I spent a lot of my time on. I would keep pestering my friends to let me use them as models and surprisingly, they agreed! The first three photos are just a few of the pictures taken. This was also the month that the restaurant I work at, Noon (previously known as Verts, also previously known as Vertskebap), had undergone the change to being Daphne’s Greek Mediterranean. The change allowed us to finally get tips trough credit cards and no longer just cash tips. This allowed me to leave my shifts with a lot more money in hand.

It occurred to me…with this I could finally make my Japan trip a reality…In the span of just a week, I was able to raise 100 dollars in just tips alone (I know this doesn’t sound like a lot, but this is a big difference coming from leaving work with no more than 50 cents to 5 dollars on a busy day). I decided that the tip money would be strictly set aside for Japan and Japan only. I thought at the rate it was going, a 100 dollars per week would be sufficient for a trip set out in October/November. The rough estimate was at least around 2000 dollars if I decided I would really stay true to my word and not touch this extra money.

In this month also, my little sister got their associates degree in art, which I am really proud of! They then decided that they would be continuing their education at the university of Texas at Dallas. The last picture is a picture of one of my favorite musicians, blackbear, taken at a concert for his DEAD 2 THE WORLD tour. It was my second time getting to see him perform live, and while he was not in the best health to perform my favorite song the way that he usually does, it was still quite the experience. I would be more than happy to see him perform live again, and hopefully in better health.

June

Ahhh June. What better way to start of this month by getting into an accident…My neighbor ran into the passenger side door of my car while they were reversing and failed to see that I had already pulled out first. Extremely disappointing knowing how much my car means to me…What followed shortly after were series of looking for a trustworthy and affordable auto body and collision shop to do the work while being able to get covered by the person at fault’s insurance. Was honestly such a convoluted process and was so stressful that a part of me decided that maybe I would just leave and live with it. I ended up finding a shop called legendary auto and agreed to the other person’s insurance’s choice to only cover 80 percent of the costs because I allegedly had some “preventative measure” on stopping the collision from happening. Me, tired and not in the mood for a disagreement, agreed. I just wanted my car back to the way it was before.

The next highlight for this month was for an overnight camping trip I took out with my family and other family friends somewhere near Austin. It was a lot of fun! Everything was nearly perfect with the trip aside from the sweltering heat combined with a THICK humidity that made its dominance extremely clear. I remember there being so much good food…and with family friends that you’ve grown up with, there was never a shortage of people telling you to eat more when you just downed three plates of crawfish, bbq, and rice. There were boats and a tractor with a little tow for people to ride on in the back, a working NES system, a basketball court, playground, and an entire forest to explore. We spent our time playing card/board games, held a basketball competition, the dads versus the boys, a bonfire complete with smores, and a sad attempt at a Marvin’s room music video, complete with a hot tub and color changing lights.

Spending your time consistently outdoors resets your internal clock, and so by 9, everyone had started to get ready for bed. I remember being outside on the campgrounds and it being pitch black. Not being able to see past 15 feet in front of me at the most. One look at the sky in this setting and there was the full moon. Brighter than I had ever witnessed it…almost blinding to be honest. The older “kids” were cooped up in the RV designated for more kids to sleep in and were there playing monopoly deal. I joined in and found ourselves playing monopoly deal until 2am until I called it a night. I woke up the next day, sad to leave earlier than we’d have to because I had a shift at work to attend to even with all the begging I did with my other coworkers to cover for me.

As for the rest of this month’s highlights, I finally got the see the Van Gogh exhibit that was here at the Museum of Fine Arts. It was the most packed I have ever seen the MFAH in a long time and was glad that I was able to see Van Gogh’s work as art is always inspiring to me…Sad that the starry night wasn’t there but that’s alright. I also got to visit and hang out with Yentl this month during a trip I made to Dallas for Lacel’s scholarship interview. I haven’t seen her since our trip to Marfa and we got to talking about the Japan trip we’d be potentially taking out in the fall. We had Gyu-kaku (which she covered for like BRUH) and went over the possible itinerary that I had been researching for months now. As usual, it was always nice to see her, and I left Dallas feeling even more hopeful and motivated for the trip.

July

After one long month, I finally got my car back in perfect condition! So exciting to see my car just the way it used to be…Marwan and the rest of his team over at Legendary auto have all my gratitude for doing a stellar job. Could not thank them enough. For this month also, my family and I visited Galveston for the 4th of July, mainly for a parade and pleasure pier. It was a really nice experience getting to spend a whole outing with my family which we aren’t able to do often considering how busy we all are. Even more so with Lacel going to school soon in an entirely different city the following month. As for the final highlight of this month, I got to catch up on life with Lexi as we talk about the occurrences of life and sometimes even the past and how much we’ve grown from it. Always an experience to see her and it’s so interesting to see how I get to hang out with her during my days in college when in high school, we weren’t all that close.

August

I kicked off this month by helping my younger sister pack and move into their apartment in Dallas. We had to rent a car for all their stuff to fit because the 86 definitely was not able to carry everything that Lacel was bringing. It was a quick and pretty emotional ordeal, having one last dinner together as a family, and then having to say goodbye. I thought that would be the last time I would see my sister for a long time, but soon enough, I found myself making a trip to Dallas once a week for five weeks straight haha.

For the next highlight, it’s just a picture of me reveling in the fact that I had finally mustered the courage to go and change my major from nursing to journalism. I was shocked by how much easier it would’ve been for me to finish my associates if I had done this so much sooner. I found myself with only two more semesters, and maybe even just one if I had dedicated myself to just school. Also, in August, I had been unemployed for about two months prior. Shoutout to Daphne’s for pulling the rug from underneath my friends and I without any warning whatsoever. A double-edged sword might I admit, because while it left me unemployed suddenly, the closing of Daphne’s allowed to me find more opportunities and finally be free from the comfort of familiarity that the restaurant had provided me for about four years. Being in H-E-B made me realize how much I was missing out on such a good work environment. Everyone was absurdly and unbelievably nice…The customers in my H-E-B are also nothing compared to the customers I dealt with in food service and my goodness, it was such a nice change of pace. Happy to be here, cause after all, “here, everything’s better.”

For the last highlight of this month, Celine threw an e-boi/girl themed late birthday party. It was honestly really well set up, especially with the Airbnb and the vibes it had come with. They were constantly anxious about how their party would end up and I was always telling them that it would be a lot of fun! Which in fact, it did turn out to be a lot fun and it was so interesting to see everyone so dedicated to the theme of the party. Seeing Celine around a lot of the people they care about was really something, and to see them have such a fun and good time was all that mattered.

A little later into this month, Celine and I decided to end things on a mutual note. Things had been comfortable for a while, and while there may have still been feelings, things have stagnated…A lot…My mental health at this point of our relationship wasn’t anywhere close to where I’d want it and things haven’t been okay with me for a long time. I spent a lot of my time getting triggered over the past and my thought process started falling towards methods of self-destruction rather than dealing with things head on. I found myself either in a constant state of anger or depression over not knowing how to deal with the thoughts eating away at me. Had I waited any longer, I’m not sure what I would have done.

Sad as that may have been…It was ultimately for the better. At least I hoped it was…

September

(Insert obligatory “Do you remember”) September was thankfully one of the better and more eventful months out of the year and kicked it off with Yentl’s birthday party. I remember making the 4-hour drive for the second year in a row just to celebrate a dear friend’s birthday. I arrived later than most and found myself in the middle of a really nice neighborhood where the Airbnb was located. Interesting, I thought. The area was devoid of streetlights with a lake nearby and made me hopeful that maybe a getaway like tonight could really take me away from all that was going on in my head. I’ll drink to that.

I shyly walked in, asking people where Yentl was. I was led to the kitchen where she was and found her already multiple drinks in. Received a tight hug from her and was cordially invited to start drinking haha. I told her that I’ll a eat a little bit, maybe get re-acquainted with everyone and the Airbnb first, properly settling in before I find myself trying to drown my demons lurking behind the corner, waiting to make themselves present in my conscience. I held my trusty detox water, comprised of lemon and limes, tightly, hoping it’d be my saving grace for this party. The objective for the night: Survive…But have a good time. I chatted up with people I haven’t seen in so long…probably since Yentl’s last birthday but I guess because of the vibes the party had, it felt incredibly easy to converse.

I made my way to the pool where everyone happened to be in the meantime. Too self-conscious to jump in so I just snapshotted everyone on film for the most part. Took the liberty and made myself the party’s personal photographer for the night. I went back inside to admire the Airbnb a little bit more or sneak a drink by myself but was ushered to take shots of someone’s personal tequila concoction. “I hate tequila”, I thought…but why not? The vibe was right and the goal was to get out of my mind one way or another. I downed it, regrettably. The burn of the tequila was reminiscent of the nights I spent uncoordinated, lacking self-control, and being passed out in a fetal position beside a toilet fighting for dear life. After recollecting myself after that shot, I was immediately handed another one while not realizing it. Everybody started bracing themselves for the shot, gathering their chasers and mentally preparing for the hit while I on the other hand, looked at everybody and the cup in my possession utterly appalled at the situation unfolding in front of me. Three…two…one…cheers.

After that, the rest of the night was a blur. There came I point where I nearly blacked out because my vision had nearly gone, but after two full servings of my detox water, I was all good to go. I spent the rest of the night just talking, occasionally grooving to Jayson’s live mixing, playing smash bros and leaving undefeated, making conversations, and trying my best to stay out of my head. The party had started to slow down so I went outside to sit by the pool with a glass of wine and admire the quiet and stillness of the night. The backyard overlooked a lake and I was reminded by how nice this Airbnb really was. The moon wasn’t out so it was extra dark and allowed for some reflecting on a couple things, like the break-up…maybe on how lonely I was feeling. I watched some ducks pass by and called it a night. I went back inside and saw Yentl passed out on one of the couches. Made sure she was okay, and we had a conversation about several things, like the break-up…and how lonely I was feeling. Eventually the conversation ventured onto more positive things like how nice this Airbnb is, how nice this party was, some unwanted drama that happened during this party, and the upcoming Japan trip.

After just spending a little more time with each other, and a disagreement on who would take the last bed and sleep on the couch, we said goodnight as she had declared I get the bed. Had to respect the birthday girl’s wishes, even when it was her who had paid for the entirety of this Airbnb…Not to disclose that information or anything, but it was a LOT. I woke up, surprisingly not hungover all thanks to the detox water. As much as I had wanted to stay for any further hangouts of the day, I had to leave for a shift at 2pm. I drove the four-hour drive back home hastily, only to find out that I wasn’t needed for work and that I could actually take the day off…Amazing. Thankful that I was able to attend the party in the first place and see Yentl at all.

The following highlight was a concert I attended in Dallas for the artist Aries’ Welcome Home tour and was a largely anticipated experience for both my younger sister and I. Aries had grown to be one of my favorite artists because of how new and refreshing his sound was. I also happened to find his music during a defining point in my life, specifically during a three hour mindless drive leading to nowhere and found myself halfway to San Antonio and has become the mood and aesthetic I had been living in for a quite a while now. Months prior, my sister and I had been listening to him constantly in preparation for this concert. My only concern was that since Aries is a smaller artist, the concert might only end up being more like a listening party rather than him actually performing. By listening party, I mean that his songs are playing in the background and is overpowering his vocals or that he’s not performing for majority of the time.

My sister and I arrived at the venue with the discovery of a line that wrapped around the entire block. The suspense was too real. The feeling of knowing that I just happened to stumble upon Aries from a YouTube video of him remixing a Post Malone song into a lo-fi one, to him suddenly having the anthem of the entire spectrum of my anger and the prolonging bitterness that dwelled inside me. His music is definitely a trigger, but in a different way. His music gets me angry but doesn’t drive me to a seething, blinding rage the way I see anything remotely related to skateboarding, tall fuckboys with curly hair, or the name Kevin (fuck you Kevin…fuck you!). If anything, his music was a testament to the three months of mental and emotional anguish I had undergone earlier in 2018. I was more than ready to yell my heart and lungs out to the lyrics, “fuck your friend, that man’s a bitch, probably wish I don’t exist”, and “Promise that I will stay out of reach, far gone, cause the shit still bothers me.”

The concert left me speechless by how much energy there was from the crowd, the hype man, and Aries himself. While it may only have been just over an hour, it was the most invigorating concert I have attended by far. Probably the most fun too. As Lacel and I headed out after taking pictures with the venue and our tour merch, we were suddenly told that Aries had came out to greet people. We rushed back in and just stayed around, somewhat awkwardly, casually standing by as fans took pictures with or of him. He was able to sign a piece of paper that Lacel handed to him and he left shortly after taking a big group picture with the fans that were present. We left soon after, put on his Welcome Home album to relive the concert in the car, and got lost driving around Dallas for maybe another hour to end the night.

The last highlight for this month was Quin’s birthday celebration that him and his closest friends organized. The initial plan was to pre-game at Marian’s place and then follow up by going out to Washington Ave. which is notoriously known for Houston’s night life scene. I arrived at Marian’s apartment for the pre-game, and even before I could greet anyone, a friend came by me with a bottle of Hennessy and started pouring some in my mouth. “So it’s gonna be that type of night”, I thought haha. I finally got around to greeting everyone including the birthday boy who was in the middle of taking a shot and was then shortly handed one to take alongside Quin and a handful of other friends.

We eventually made our way to Washington Ave. in different Ubers and arrived at Concrete Cowboy. The whole group lined up and waited for our turn to get in. As we neared the entrance, I pulled out my ID in anticipation as I’m used to being told that I don’t look older than 19 most of the time. The bouncer let my friends in but said something to me that I couldn’t quite make out over the music blasting from inside. I said excuse me, thinking like, hello…my ID is legit, I promise you I’m legal and this is a valid ID haha. “No air forces”, he said. “What?”, “No air forces…”, he repeated. Back to the line I went, astonished that this was even a problem in the first place. I received a bunch of texts from my friends asking where I was and exclaimed to them that I was denied access because of the shoes I was wearing. I went to the little fence that Concrete had and exchanged my air force 1’s with Andrew’s dress shoes and lined up once more.

Eventually that was all a waste because the group ended up leaving Concrete Cowboy…WITHOUT the birthday boy. We crossed the street to another club/bar that escapes my memory but this time around they let me in regardless of my shoes. Immediately, this was already better than the experience with Concrete, from the music, the general vibe, to how less packed it was. Ruben bought everyone two rounds of shots for some reason, and it really helped loosen everybody up. While the group was having a lot of fun in this bar, a handful of us felt guilty that we were having this much fun without Quin and decided we should go back to Concrete to go celebrate with the person this night was originally dedicated to. We left to go line back up across the street, only to find others that also separated from Quin to come join us over where we were at…We all found ourselves back in the same bar/club we just left haha.

Feeling guilty of admitting to this, but we were having an absolute blast at the place we were at. My friends and I ended up having the biggest floor presence and had even started a cypher with the occasional strangers jumping in who had actual dance experience as well. My friends and I shook hands and even made friends with these strangers after finding out we had mutual dance friends and connections to major Houston dance studios like soundbox and soreal. 2PM had finally snuck its way into the night and it was time to go back to Marian’s to regroup. We arrived at Marian’s apartment to find out that Quin had gotten shitfaced at Concrete Cowboy. Quin! The same Quin who took 20+ shots on his 21st birthday, just to be fully coherent, coordinated, and mentally sound to take care of other people rather than being taken care of. There he was, bent over the toilet, clutching it for dear life. It was an absolute sight to behold, and one we would never let Quin live down. It was finally our turn to take care of him, and as friends that love Quin, we were more than happy to finally get the opportunity to pay the favor back.

October

My birth month. My favorite month too and well deserved so. October for me is the transition from the Hell that is Houston’s summer to those cool crisp Autumn afternoons. A transition from bright yellow and blue hues to the golden, orange, and amber tones that coincide with everything regarding the season of fall. Fall is Halloween. Fall is Thanksgiving. Fall is pumpkin picking and carving, apple pies, and the metaphorical dusk of the year, while interestingly sharing the same colors as a sunset. This month was surprisingly uneventful but was largely a pre-cursor for what was coming up in November: Yentl’s and my Japan trip.

The first highlight for this month was this photoshoot/hang out with fellow FRZ86 owners, Lily and Ray. I was meeting both of them for the first time and was excited that they both agreed to be models for further practice with my film camera. Really happy with how the shots came out, I felt ready for taking pictures in Japan and grew more confident in this new profound hobby. The following highlight for this month but not pictured for privacy reasons, was my approval for my travel visa. The news had me beaming. After days of gut-wrenching anxiety at the thought of refunding my airfare, the Airbnb, and all the plans just going to waste if I was not approved, the good news was a major sigh of relief. It had finally cemented the trip, and the only thing that was left, was to save as much as I can in this last month.

My money saving process for the rest of this month involved eating four slices of a day for lunch (only when I was at work), refusing to hang out, and reducing my eating out budget to just under 30 dollars. I was determined. My will power, incorruptible. I attended a hang out that involved eating, and I only spent my money on a drink. My savings were not going to be stopped…My birthday eventually came around and my family and I found ourselves in Dallas…for the second year in a row. I don’t remember exactly why we were celebrating MY birthday in Dallas just to hang out with my younger sister, but that’s just what went down. We went to Gen Korean BBQ for lunch, and followed up with boba (a must). We hung around a Kinokuniya for a little bit to kill time and were deciding on what we should do now. I just threw in that maybe we could stop by the Dallas galleria to just waste even more time, while in the back of my head, I had a burning desire to finally pull the trigger on something I’ve been wanting since the summer of 2017: a Gucci ghost ring.

I only mentioned my intentions to my younger sister because I knew my idea would be met with opposition and disappointment from my dad. After several times being asked why we had decided to go here, I mentioned that I was buying the ring, as a big gesture to myself for making it this far and as a final accessory to bring along to Japan for the outfits I had planned. Ran me back $250 dollars, but did I mind? Not one bit. So much for saving…haha.

To close out October, I departed for Dallas to pick up my sister and Yentl. The plan was to pick up Yentl from Dallas, drive back to Houston because that’s where we’ll be departing for Japan, have a layover BACK in Dallas, and after an 8-hour flight, arriving at Narita airport in Tokyo weirdly at the same time we had left from Dallas due to time zones. The plan sounds counterintuitive with the layover being in Dallas and all…but departing from Dallas added an extra 400 dollars to the airfare. It also worked because it meant that neither of us would have to make a 4-hour drive back home to our respective cities due to another layover in Dallas on the way back home.

November

This month will have an entire separate post dedicated to Japan.

Enjoy these pictures for the meantime.

December

After Japan. I had spent the rest of November coming down from the high I had experienced from my vacation. I had to deal with the come down as well as the seasonal depression that comes along with the shorter days of Winter, despite always being fond of the season. It’s going to sound a little silly to admit, but things really did start to lose meaning. I had this goal of traveling to Japan for as long as I could remember, and it was finally fulfilled! The long workdays, forty-hour work weeks, the months of research and planning, and just everything I had been doing was for the sake of trip.

Not wanting to feel as if my life had lost meaning, I forced myself to get into the holiday spirit…Or at least I tried. In the first highlight presented for this month was Travis’ Christmas present to me. A bunch of treats…and a gun. Yes, a gun. Looks like just a random assortment of food but in reality, has a ton of sentimental ties to it. As described by Travis himself, the honey buns were given because of one time we were in the campus cafeteria and I was craving honey buns. The campus was charging 2+ dollars for a single one and Travis was like, “Don’t waste your money here smh”, and told me he had spent just a little over a dollar for a multipack. The oreo thins were given because I had an obsession with oreos, the gummies because whatever, and the limon lays for a callback when Andrew, Travis, and I would have consecutive movie nights together on the summer of 2017 where we would pick our usual snacks from out midnight Walmart runs. Lastly, but definitely not least, the gun. Travis was concerned by how often I would go to so many places during the middle of the night and was also tired of being my personal protection considering he himself was armed.

The gifts left me speechless and admittedly, a little teary eyed by how thoughtful it really was. During the brief period of trying to take the moment all in, Andrew pulls out his very own and the entire room goes up in screams and laughter. Travis bought guns for the two of us! Unbelievable and entirely wild of him. I love that man to death.

The following highlight of the drink and the board game was when I finally had a first successful meeting from a connection I had on a dating app haha. Wooo Ral finally stepping out there after multiple awkward matches and getting ghosted on several platforms. The two of us met up in Dallas at a videogame restaurant bar thing, where we can eat/drink while playing on a console! Pretty cool idea and props to her for actually catering to what my interests were. Ended making a cool friend out of that meet up since. The rest of the following highlights were just more Christmas festivities such as, baking Christmas themed cookies, secret Santa with the OG5 + DJ, H-E-B white elephant Christmas party, and seeing Christmas lights with Jackie at the River Oaks neighborhood.

Just like this year in review itself, I was so eager to get the year over and done with. 2019 seemed to be bad year for the world, myself included, but finishing writing this up in 2021…I only wish I had treasured the moments just a little longer, not knowing what I will be missing the following year.

P.S. If you’re just a person randomly coming through this, thank you for your time to scroll/read

#year in review #2019

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solastia · 5 years ago

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Author Interview : underthejoon

((If anyone wants to make a cool banner for this, please do. I suck at them))

Today is the debut of a new project. Whether it sticks around for long depends on you guys, but for now the plan is to interview one author a month. Creators are often underappreciated on here (or anywhere, for that matter), so this is me doing my part to connect our readers and writers in a meaningful way. Our first interview is with @underthejoon, someone whose work I myself have enjoyed for many years now. If you enjoyed this interview, please be sure to send in authors you’d like me to talk to for future editions, as well as any specific questions you’d like answered (except for questions about updating, that will get you a ban).

Where can your work be found?

I’m kind of a mess and so while I attempt to cross post, I’m not always great at it. All of my work can be found on my tumblr masterlist but some of my things are on Wattpad and AO3. I’m also underthejoon on both of those platforms.

Links to where readers can donate:

I made a ko-fi account ages ago that I never shared with the public because I’ve always felt guilty. Which is silly, idk why I do. But there it is!

Main bias (and why if you’d like)

So!! I have always been a Namjoon bias. From the very first time I saw them/the very first song I heard I was like yes, you. You are the one, I’m a goner!! He’s so wonderful and unique. He’s very mindful and creative and such a beacon of light to me. Plus, he’s very open with his humanity, if that makes sense? Like he is open about his therapy, his feelings about his perceived shortcomings, his excitement about finding place and things and works of art that inspire him. ALSO THOUGH, in the last year or so I’ve also become a Hoseok bias. He is just so dedicated and loving. He’s insanely talented and vastly underrated, in my opinion. And through all the back breaking work, he is kind through and through. He’s seriously just so warm and makes me really happy.

Hogwarts House :

Okay, the very first time I ever took it I was a slytherin. A few years later, I took it again and got hufflepuff. I like to think I’m a combination of the two but can see myself as more of a puff.

Describe yourself in five words:

Creative, Extroverted, Empathetic, Intuitive, Inquisitive

Current favorite BTS songs:

SO MANY, but I’ll pick 7 for 7 members. Some of these are old as hell but still currently my favorite lol. Love Maze, Love is Not Over, Outro: Her, Dimple, Tomorrow, Like, 2!3!

What was the defining moment when you decided, “Yes! I am going to write the thing!”?

For like fanfic in general? I feel like I had been reading a lot of it after “discovering” k-pop and then after a few months I was just like fuck it, I’m doing it!! I was always super into writing poetry and never thought I would be any good at anything like this but it sounded fun so here we are now.

What do you most enjoy about writing BTS fanfiction specifically?

I think it’s the community of writers. When I started my blog, I met a lot of really amazing supportive writers that I’ve managed to stay friends with and I think that makes a really big difference when you have people that can relate to you and what you’re doing.

Any tropes or au’s that you want to explore later?

I would really like to try writing some sort of supernatural creature fics. I’ve had this werewolf love triangle universe planned out forever that I would like to eventually write. Maybe like a workplace romance?

Which of your fics would you suggest for new readers?

For a completed series i’d say Piece by Piece. My WIP series, Love is Not Over is another one. For a one-shot I’d say, For You. Maybe the sweetness/make it right drabbles too.

Which of your fics is your favorite?

Piece by Piece, no doubt. I really feel proud of it and I have a hard time admitting I like anything I write.

What other fandoms do you wish you had the time to write for?

I used to write for EXO, Got7 and sometimes Monsta X and I miss it sometimes but also, I feel pretty contented in just writing for BTS. There’s a lot of inspiration there and I always felt I was being pulled in too many directions by my readers when I wrote for multiple fandoms.

What are your writing goals for the upcoming year?

I’d like to finish three series I have planned, get caught up on my collab fics and at least finish an outline for my original fiction piece I’ve been putting off!

Which writers do you read religiously?

There’s so many amazing writers on tumblr and I try as hard as I can to keep up with my mutuals when they put stuff out but sometimes it’s hard! I’m gonna be really brief because otherwise my list could go on and on. Okay, first and foremost, Shanna (@kpopfanfictrash) - she’s my best friend and a fabulous, wonderful writer. I would just like to give her a special shout out because not only does she entertain me for hours with her writing, she is very supportive of mine. Other authors I adore as humans and content creators and keep up with most regularly are @floralseokjin and @lamourche !

What is the weirdest thing you’ve had to google in the name of writing?

LOL. Hmm… I’m really boring and feel like I don’t really google that much when writing except maybe like different sex positions when i need a visual or synonyms to certain words. I’ve found some good porn though? Because visuals do help me.

Reader/OC fics within this fandom are often still looked down on and we all have to work hard to make them good enough for readers to look past their reputation. How do you combat the cringe?

TBH, I don’t think that responsibility lies on us as writers. If people don’t like certain types of writing, that’s on them and they can avoid it. Reader insert/oc fics are just as valid a genre as any. I’ve read some of the most beautiful, creative stories on this platform, some of which could be published if names were changed/reader was switched to a named OC. There’s something out there for everyone and it’s all subjective. While I might find certain things super cringey, others love it. To each their own as long as they aren’t shoving it in the faces of the people they’re writing about or being disrespectful, you know?

What is your personal guilty (or not-so-guilty) pleasure trope?

MUTUAL PINING/FRIENDS TO LOVERS. I feel like it’s so basic but I fucking love that trope and I think so many people do it so beautifully it is my absolute favorite.

What is something that you see often in other fanfics that drives you insane?

I think the only thing that really bothers me is when people romanticize abuse or other toxic/triggering topics.

Are any of the boys or ships more difficult for you to write than others?

I think I have the hardest time writing for Jimin and Taehyung but only because I feel I am the most similar to them and for whatever reason that deters me from writing about them often.

We all think we are the most hilarious person there is (even if we won’t admit it), so what is one line or scenario of yours that you like to go back to and giggle over?

Okay this was actually really difficult for me because I don’t write like any humor and don’t think I’m good at LOL. I think my only attempt at humorous writing was The New Guy in which the reader is high off her ass lying on the front lawn and thinking the world is ending then accusing Namjoon of being the Grim Reaper when he comes looking for her.

ONLY IF YOU WANT TO - A scenario as long or short as you want. Maybe 250 words or less. Godzilla is attacking the city and BTS is your rescue crew. How screwed are you?

“D-danger, you say?” Seokjin stutters.

“G-giant lizard monster headed this way?” Hoseok chokes.

The pair exchange glances then turn their focus towards you. Seokjin jerks his head towards the door and you nod in return.

“I hear what you’re saying, gentlemen,” Hoseok says as he stands on shaky legs. He grabs your hand as if to instruct you to do the same.

“And as much as we would LOVE to help you…” His grip is tighter now and you know what comes next.

Before he can finish, Seokjin shoots up from his chair and makes a mad dash towards the door. “Now, now, run, holy shit, NOW!”

Hoseok joins his friend in his haste to evacuate, dragging your nearly petrified form behind him. “No way in hell are we getting anywhere near that thing!”

Seokjin and Hoseok babble horrified nonsense between them but you can’t really decipher much of it. Your heart is pounding in your ears as you replay the name “Godzilla” in your brain.

They wanted you to rescue the city? What were they thinking?

When you reach Seokjin’s car, you have a brief moment of clarity. There are lives at stake, after all. How can you really just abandon the city when it needs a hero?

“What about everybody else?” you ask, voice small and fearful.

“Everybody else?” Seokjin huffs, putting the car in gear. He hardly gives your question a thought before he peels out of the parking lot. “Jungkook can handle everybody else. I raised him on my back, you know? It’s the least he can do!”

#bangtan bards #bts #bts writers #underthejoon #bts fanfic #bts authors #solastia #author interview

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puddygeeks · 4 years ago

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𝑊𝑎𝑟 𝑂𝑓 𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑡𝑠 - 𝐶𝑟𝑖𝑚𝑖𝑛𝑎𝑙 𝑀𝑖𝑛𝑑𝑠, 𝑆𝑝𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒𝑟 𝑅𝑒𝑖𝑑 𝑥 𝑂𝐶 - 𝐶ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 2: 𝑅𝑜𝑐𝑘, 𝑀𝑒𝑒𝑡 𝐻𝑎𝑟𝑑 𝑃𝑙𝑎𝑐𝑒

Masterlist

Rating: Mature

Summary: 𝐴𝑙𝑖𝑐𝑒 𝑛𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑖𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑒𝑑 ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑒𝑙𝑓 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑛 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑙𝑙𝑖𝑔𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑑𝑒𝑠𝑖𝑟𝑒 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑒𝑙𝑝 𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑢𝑙𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑛 𝑡𝑟𝑜𝑢𝑏𝑙𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑙𝑒𝑓𝑡 ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑙𝑒 𝑜𝑝𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑠. 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑢𝑝𝑝𝑜𝑟𝑡 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐵𝐴𝑈 𝑓𝑎𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑦, 𝑚𝑎𝑦𝑏𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑏𝑒𝑔𝑖𝑛 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑎𝑠𝑡.

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: Spencer Reid x OC

Status: Ongoing

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: 𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑑𝑢𝑙𝑡 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑡, 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑠𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑟𝑖𝑔𝑔𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑚𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑠 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠ℎ𝑜𝑤. 𝑃𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒 𝑏𝑒 𝑎𝑤𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑑𝑜𝑒𝑠 𝑚𝑒𝑎𝑛 𝑐𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑐𝑎𝑠𝑒𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑢𝑟𝑑𝑒𝑟, 𝑐ℎ𝑖𝑙𝑑 𝑎𝑏𝑑𝑢𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 & 𝑠𝑒𝑥𝑢𝑎𝑙 𝑎𝑏𝑢𝑠𝑒 𝑎𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑛𝑎𝑡𝑢𝑟𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝐵𝐴𝑈'𝑠 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑘. 𝐼𝑡 𝑖𝑠 𝑚𝑦 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑑𝑙𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑠𝑒 𝑖𝑠𝑠𝑢𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑠 𝑐𝑎𝑟𝑒𝑓𝑢𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑠 𝑝𝑜𝑠𝑠𝑖𝑏𝑙𝑒, 𝑏𝑢𝑡 𝑖𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑏𝑒 𝑖𝑚𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑑 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ ℎ𝑜𝑤 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑠𝑒 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑎𝑔𝑒𝑑, 𝑝𝑙𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒 𝑙𝑒𝑡 𝑚𝑒 𝑘𝑛𝑜𝑤.

Eᴘɪsᴏᴅᴇ: Pʀᴇ Sᴇᴀsᴏɴ 1

Chapter Two

As I followed Penelope toward the meeting room for our afternoon briefing, I could feel a lump in my throat caused by nerves. She had decided that we should arrive first to allow her a chance to introduce me to the members of her team and I reluctantly agreed. I didn’t exactly have the most successful history with work colleagues.

We stepped into the room to find a pretty blonde woman busying herself with setting out case files and generally preparing the space for use, and though I felt awkward interrupting her, Penelope charged in without hesitation.

“What’s for dinner, mom?” She teased brightly, prompting the young woman to glance up with a fond smile. “Alice and I thought we’d help with setting up. We’ll handle the tech for you.” Penelope explained, causing the woman's brows to shoot up in surprise and she glanced over at me curiously.

“You’re Agent Hawthorne, Interpol's technical analyst?” She asked casually and though I was caught off guard by her knowledge, I nodded back politely. “I was planning to greet you on arrival, but Garcia whisked you away before I got the chance. I’m Jennifer Jareau, communications liaison for the BAU.” She introduced herself confidently, stepping forward to shake my hand and I could sense the motherly warmth in her that Penelope had referenced before, allowing it to relax me enough to manage a response.

“Yikes. You’ve got the toughest job of all. The press.” I commented, causing an appreciative chuckle. “Alice is fine. I’m not really into formalities.” I added with a smile and she eagerly returned it as she finished laying out papers.

“Great. You can call me JJ. Garcia, if you two are happy to do the rest, I’ll get everyone’s drinks ready. God only knows when they last took a break.” She offered, waiting for Penelope’s approval before beginning to collect mugs from a nearby cupboard. “I made sure to get some breakfast tea stocked for you all. Alice, do you want a cup, or are you more of a coffee girl?”

“She’s all about the tea. At this point, I’m honestly pretty sure that her blood stream is more tea than anything else.” Penelope answered before I could even open my mouth and JJ wasted no time in rushing toward the kitchen.

I rolled my eyes at my friend’s teasing, but she didn’t display an ounce of shame at my judgement and I found myself standing around awkwardly as I awaited instruction. I was usually a proactive person, but after months of disrespect in Interpol, I’d learned to stay out of the way and mostly attempted to not cause any problems.

“I’ll get the screens ready. Alice, if you could get your laptop set up with the case files and I’ll use mine to present our plan.” Garcia instructed as she began fiddling with the display on the wall and I obediently placed my laptop on the table, before crawling underneath to plug in a power adapter to allow me to use the European device.

Fortunately, Penelope had already thought of everything for my workspace with her, but I still needed to provide for myself everywhere else.

“My mug is missing. I left it on my desk. Have you seen anyone in my office in the past ten minutes?”

I overheard someone questioning Garcia in a stressed voice and as I slowly slid out from under the table, I noticed that the person was almost blocking my exit, giving me a clear view of their bright white trainers and blue jeans which seemed entirely too informal for the setting. Their gaze fell on me immediately as I straightened up to find an older man with greying hair and thin framed glasses examining me with a deep confusion.

“Who’s this?” He enquired toward Garcia, whilst maintaining his intense scrutiny of me and I struggled under his investigation, feeling a flood of insecurity.

“This is Alice from Interpol, Sir. Alice, this is SSA Gideon. He’s our unit chief.” Penelope spluttered, seeming equally unnerved by his arrival and he gave me a rushed handshake, before seeming distracted again. “JJ just went to make some drinks for the round table. She might have your mug, Sir.” She answered, prompting him to dart from the room impatiently.

“Gideon’s intense and at times eccentric, but brilliant. You get used to him.” Penelope muttered under her breath with a wink and I released a sigh that I’d been holding due to nerves.

We settled at the table together as we made the final preparations for our portion of the meeting and JJ returned to place a mug of tea beside me with a warm smile. She took the seat on my other side, almost as if she was protecting me from my team and I knew that she had already been reading my behaviour to identify my discomfort. My anxiety rose at the sight of the rest of my team approaching the doors, led by a man that I didn’t recognise and I prayed that their lack of faith in my abilities would not pass onto the BAU team.

They filed into the meeting room, cramping it with their bodies, followed by Reid and Gideon, who was gripping a mug of coffee rather protectively. They were deeply engaged in a hushed conversation, until the unfamiliar man stepped forward to call us to attention.

“Good afternoon, everyone. I’m Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner. This is our first joint agency case with Interpol in some time, so I would like to start by reminding everyone that we are now a joint task force. All required information will be shared freely and case details for both investigations will be openly available. We welcome the Interpol teams guidance as the primary investigators for this case.”

Agent Hotchner made Gideon’s expression seem thoroughly welcoming by comparison and despite his words sounding warm, his face remained set in a permanent state of disapproval. I wondered how Penelope managed to work under someone so deadly serious, despite her constant need to treat everything as a joke and decided to ask more about him later. As he paused, another agent rushed into the room, closing the door behind him and took a standing position behind Penelope.

“Morgan, did you find anything at the warehouse?”

Agent Hotchner turned to the newcomer with a hopeful expression, only to receive a subtle shake of the head in return. I glanced over at the agent in question, sudden recognition at the name striking me and couldn’t deny that he was handsome. It wasn’t surprising that Penelope became so distracted around him, but fortunately my tastes were different enough to avoid sharing this issue.

“Let's start with the basics. Shepard, I’ll let you open with your cases.” The BAU leader easily drew the attention of the meeting as he commenced conversation and Shepard got to his feet with a confidence that unsettled me.

“The group that we are looking for is a well established human trafficking ring that have been working in Europe for at least four years. They first came under our radar when their leader was murdered by his ambitious second in command, a man that we have identified as Robert Valeno.”

Shepard brought up a photo of the man who had dominated my psyche for longer than I cared to admit. Valeno was a prominent figure in my nightmares, as he continued to be impossible to catch and I regularly obsessed over the awful things that he could be doing to people whilst we floundered around behind him.

“Valeno has expanded their operation substantially since he took control and has proven to be an expert in evading justice. Every time that we get close he vanishes, only to appear in another country. So far, we’ve managed to connect twenty missing women to him, but realistically, we estimate the number is more likely to be in the hundreds.”

Penelope set the screens to flick through the images of the victims that we had managed to identify and I felt my stomach lurch. I didn’t need to see the photos, each of their faces was burned into my mind as a waking nightmare that only worsened when I closed my eyes. Each and every one of them represented a failure to me, another girl who would never know freedom again.

As Shepard stepped aside, JJ took his place to present the new details.

“Four months ago, local PDs in multiple states began noticing a dramatic increase in their missing persons, particularly women from the ages of fourteen to thirty-five.” JJ explained as she redirected the conversation to the American portion of the case and I was met with a new set of faces that I knew I would be unable to forget. Before she could continue, Gideon jumped in with his own opinions about our suspect.

“Valeno has mostly targeted women who were low risk. No family, no job, no connections and until now, anyone who did not meet that criteria was deemed to have been a mistake. Now, he is targeting any female who matches his desired age range. That tells us that he is growing more confident and likely catering to a wealthier clientele. He’s comfortable in his methods and clearly believes that he has successfully escaped the pursuit of law enforcement in Europe.” He revealed, having already begun speculating on the cause of this change in victimology and Morgan sat forward with interest, as if he had noticed something.

“How did he manage to even get to the States if he was on Interpol’s radar?” Morgan asked, glancing around the table in confusion and whilst the rest of my team seemed offended by the question, I noticed that Shepard was staring directly at me, as if the responsibility for this laid primarily at my feet.

“That’s where we need to start.” I stated, drawing the attention of the room and I strained to keep my nerves from showing in my demeanour as I continued.

“He wasn’t just on our radar. His picture was circulated everywhere, MI5, ESISC, border control, immigration and transport services. I blocked every known alias that he has, had software scanning CCTV for his face. We set up roadblocks, monitored drug busts and even placed digital traps. It should have been impossible for him to travel anywhere.” I explained, allowing a hint of my frustration to flow into my words and it was clear that everyone was considering the tactics used for any further ideas. Reid drew my attention as the first person that I noticed who did not seem to be blaming me for this failure, instead thinning his eyes reflectively.

“That level of evasion would indicate an exceptionally high intelligence and knowledge of law enforcement, border policies and even technical expertise. If he’s also present at the time of abduction and responsible for the transport of his acquisitions, it wouldn’t leave any time for the rest of his roles. Which means he has some high level employees with an in depth knowledge of the organisation. Have you discovered any of his accomplices?” Reid enquired, rapidly realising the flaw in my information and I smiled at how easily he had noticed the discrepancy that I had been pointing out for months, much to the teams irritation.

“The guy is a ghost. There’s no threads to follow.” I sighed, still feeling disappointed in the minimal information that I’d been able to dig up about Valeno. “What we do know is that he has at least employed technical help. The skills that I’ve encountered are far too advanced to belong to someone who has any priorities other than hacking. I can also confirm that it is not the same person that he was using in Europe.” I added, causing Shepard to furrow his brows at me.

“How can you be sure of that?” He asked, already dismissing my opinion and I was flustered by this subtle dig against my knowledge.

“I’ve compared the logs from my laptop to the digital attacks that the BAU experienced when they tried to track him. They’re completely different.” I argued, only causing him to seem doubtful and I felt my gut twist in annoyance.

It was one thing for him to disregard me within our own agency, but I didn’t appreciate his lack of interest in my input when we were surrounded by new people and felt my temper fuelling me to elaborate on this theory, even if I knew that my team would likely not understand the relevance.

“There are hundreds of ways to do things when it comes to cyber activity and every hacker has their own methods.” I began, attempting to simplify the experience that Penelope and I had gathered over the years into something that could assist in the profile. “Think of it like their signature. This new person operates in a more aggressive manner, whereas the original person that he was using was all defensive. He’s not waiting for us to find him. He’s seeking us out, almost challenging us. I analysed the commands that he uses and they’re much more commonly taught in the United States than any other part of the world.”

There were a few moments of silence as people processed the babble of technical talk that I had just spewed at them and Penelope smiled proudly from my side. Shepard seemed lost for words, despite his ongoing desire to undermine me and I noticed that several members of the BAU team were now watching me with interest, especially Morgan.

“So, he’s making new contacts. That gives us new opportunities to infiltrate his network.” He clarified, making it clear that he trusted my experience on this matter and I nodded at him confidently, noticing Penelope smiling at him with extra appreciation as she took over the technical talk.

“Because this new hacker is aggressive, we may be able to draw them out. Alice and I have planned a bait and switch situation. With your permission, Sir, and our combined expertise, we can have your hacker trapped and traced.” Penelope presented our plan with a faith in her leader that was unfamiliar to me and I awaited his answer with baited breath.

“Absolutely. Keep me updated.” He agreed as he permitted us without a moment of hesitation and I was shocked by how easy it had been to gain his permission.

“Reid. Morgan. Go to the latest crime scene. We need to get an idea of how he operates. Gideon and I will take the rest of the Interpol team to the local PD.” Hotchner announced, immediately getting to his feet and setting the room into a buzz of activity.

I was frantic as I gathered my things to follow Penelope and could still hardly believe that we hadn’t needed to fight to be able to put our plan into motion. I piled up my laptop and paperwork into my arms, and jogged to catch up to her, glad to be alone again in the hallway as the others split into their assigned teams.

“Nicely done, Ally. You hold up well under fire.” Penelope muttered, sneaking a smirk in my direction as she walked and I shook my head in denial, feeling as if I’d barely managed to avoid drowning back there. “You give yourself too little credit. This team gives a serious grilling and not everyone can hack it. You did. Even from your own unit chief. He’s a real peach, aye?”

“Oh, you have no idea.”

--⥈--

“Hey, double trouble. Anything fallen into your net?”

Morgan’s warm voice on the speakerphone filled Penelope’s remarkably quiet office, where I sat with my head in my hands. The feeling of waiting was suffocating and I was beginning to worry that even our combined experience wouldn’t be enough to catch this mystery attacker. Valeno seemed to be incredibly gifted at seeking out the best of every profession for his organisation.

“Just a huge pile of nothing. I don’t fail, Morgan. This is not a feeling that I’m used to and I don’t plan to get used to it!” Penelope pouted, seeming personally offended by the lack of response to our bait and I looked up to smile sympathetically at her.

“Get used to it with this guy. He only hires the uncatchable.” I offered, revealing the bitterness that had begun to grow inside of me since I started on this case and Penelope huffed in a childish manner at this statement.

After a few more minutes of listening to Penelope talk to Morgan whilst I reviewed the logs of our previous contacts with our target, a bolt of inspiration struck me. I turned in my seat to face Penelope with wide eyes and she shushed Morgan as she honed in on my changed demeanour.

“Just before I spoke to you on the phone, I told Shepard that I thought we had an inside agent. It’s the only way that it made sense for Valeno to be avoiding everything.” I began, causing her to tense up in alarm, but she waited for me to finish.

“What if they’re helping him to find staff? Every agency in the world has watch lists for people like you and I. If Valeno is working with someone inside Interpol, they would be able to recommend someone with the right skills and keep the hacker from coming up on our radar as a threat.” I thought aloud, setting Penelope into a typing spree as she pulled up countless agency lists for a search.

“They’d be right under our noses!” She exclaimed, setting up the parameters for a new scan of the lists immediately and I stared intensely at my logs to piece together details about the hackers style that we could use to identify them. “Okay, we know that they’re probably American. I’ll start with local names.” She explained for Morgan’s sake and it was clear that he was already fully invested in our guidance as he dove into adding information to our search.

“Valeno wouldn’t recruit somebody nearby. If he’s outsourcing, he likely hasn’t told them anything about what they’re doing. He’d want them distanced from the organisation. The less that they know, the less risk in using them. They won’t be near enough to see the missing girls on local news and he’s banking on them not watching anything further.” Morgan specified over the phone and I nodded along in agreement, as Penelope struggled to keep up with us.

“Then I’m looking at every other state? That’s a lot of names! We need to get more specific.” Penelope argued as her computer struggled to even load the mass of names that her search presented and I leapt into reeling off information that she could utilise.

“We know from their techniques that they are aggressive, impatient, likely seeking a challenge. The commands they use would indicate that they are self taught rather than formally educated, so rule out anyone with a relevant qualification. They don’t have a strong signature yet either, meaning that despite being talented, they are inexperienced so they wouldn’t have been on the watch list for long.” I rambled, moving to pace the room and Penelope keenly adjusted her criteria as I spoke.

Over the speaker, I heard Reid seeming as if he were particularly surprised by the level of information that I was providing, before he provided a theory of his own.

“Aggressive and inexperienced? Statistically, it’s more common for these traits to appear in a young hacker. Someone who hasn’t matured enough to appreciate defensive methods.” Reid’s voice chimed from the phone and I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Very young. Their methods are disorganised, frantic. Penelope and I haven’t been able to predict them as they’re too chaotic. We thought it was a tactical choice, but from my experience in these kinds of circles, it’s highly likely to be a high schooler, probably a male with a superiority complex.” I theorised, feeling a crushing clarity and Penelope stopped her activity so that she could turn to face me with horror.

“Wait a second. You mean like the Rapture crew from our old forum?” She breathed, seeming disgusted that someone as young as the other hackers that we once worked alongside could be involved in something this dark.

I practically fell into my seat as I flashed through screens in search of a specific log and an old memory of a particularly young male hacker in the Rapture group came to mind.

“Oh my god.” I muttered as I replayed the clip several times. “Penelope, look at this. This manoeuvre right here. I’ve only seen it used a few times. It’s an old method, definitely not taught officially by anyone. The only few people that I’ve ever seen use it have all had one thing in common-”

“They studied the Boston Phantom obsessively.” Penelope gasped, thinning her results down and having to fight through more red tape than I’d ever seen to unlock the records.

“There definitely was a result here within the original content, but they were removed from the watch list six months ago and all our records of them were wiped clean.” She explained for our team members that were on the phone and I covered my mouth in shock.

This small accusation confirmed the suspicion that I had held for some time now; someone in our team was feeding Valeno information. The call went silent for a moment as I imagined that Morgan and Reid were sharing the same realisation and Reid cleared his throat to question us, seeming somewhat less confident about technical matters.

“Is that a normal occurrence, Garcia? I thought once you were on a watch list, that was it. There was no way of returning to anonymity.” Reid queried, whilst Penelope busied herself with attempting to recover the files.

“That’s true. Unless you’re recruited as an agent.” She clarified, causing a chill to run down the length of my spine at this idea. “But nothing can be removed from my glorious all seeing skills. His name is James Miller. He’s fifteen years old and lives in Boston, Massachusetts.”

“Babygirl, you never fail to amaze me. You two are the dream team.” Morgan announced, causing Penelope to smirk in satisfaction. “Send over his details. Reid and I will pick him up now.”

“Your wish is my command.” Penelope crooned, before the line abruptly cut off and she turned to fix me with an expression that sparkled with curiosity.

“Okay. What was that?” She asked, causing me to furrow my brows in confusion and I shrugged obliviously. “You just profiled! Alice, what are Interpol doing using you as an analyst? You should be in the field.” She exclaimed, examining me with a new sense of wonder and I shuffled awkwardly on the spot.

“And I’m sure that if I’d been recruited by any method other than arrest, I probably would be.” I commented, fiddling with my hands and she seemed to struggle to understand the correlation between these two things. “Shepard and the others barely tolerate me as it is. They feel like they’ve been dumped with a criminal, rather than an asset.”

“You’re kidding! All of the best hackers come from a risky background, don’t they know that?” She argued, thoroughly frustrated by this attitude and I chuckled under my breath. “You can’t teach what we know how to do in any classroom. They need to get over themselves and realise how lucky they are to have you!”

--⥈--

Penelope updated the BAU team and Shepard on our activities via video call, allowing me to avoid discussing my part in the situation in front of my already scowling unit chief. I was painfully aware of his disapproval for my opinion on anything that he deemed as outside of my role, but Penelope decided that it was important for me to be credited with the arrest of the hacker and ensured that she emphasised my work.

I fidgeted in my seat, feeling bashful as she recounted the conversation and I was thankful for the webcam which dulled the power of Shepard’s glare. It seemed that the rest of the Interpol team weren’t present for the briefing and I was glad that I didn’t have to bear their scrutiny too.

“Good work. Both of you. Gideon is interviewing him shortly, so we’ll let you know what we can persuade him to reveal. In the meantime, we’ve seized all of his equipment and will be sending it over for you to analyse, Garcia. We need as much from it as possible.” Agent Hotchner announced, making me squirm from the praise and Penelope responded with yes sir immediately.

“Alice, pack your things. Once the agent has delivered the equipment, they’ll be bringing you to the PD to assist us here.” He added resolutely and I felt my back straighten at his order. I opened my mouth to question it, but before I could get a single word out Shepard interrupted.

“Absolutely not.” He argued, turning on my newfound advocate with evident fury in his posture, but the BAU chief remained completely unmoved.

“Alice assisted in both profiling and identifying the young man who we just arrested. This is the first viable lead that we’ve discovered. Her insight would be most useful alongside my team.” Hotchner suggested, almost causing my mouth to drop open in shock at his appreciation of me and I could feel Penelope fighting not to smile beside me. “With all due respect, she has a familiarity with this case which is not being utilised by keeping her remote from the investigation; not to mention the behavioural skills that she demonstrated today which are disregarded in her current role.”

“With all due respect, Agent Hawthorne is an Interpol agent and I will dictate her activities. She is a technical analyst, not a field agent and does not have the relevant training to be based anywhere other than the office. Do I need to remind you that this is an Interpol investigation that your team is assisting on?” Shepard growled, stepping closer into his space and though I could tell that the BAU leader was angered by his disrespect, he retained his composure.

“Hawthorne. Assist with analysing the equipment.” He spat, looking toward the screen with an obvious disdain and I struggled to keep my voice even as my heart sunk.

“Yes, Sir.”

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fallenfurther · 5 years ago

Text

Phantom - Part 1

I’ve had this one in the works for a while. This little Scott Whump came to me after a few bad days. Many thanks to @photowizard17 for proofreading this for me.

*****

Scott left the debrief tired and disheartened. It should have been a simple rescue. It shouldn't have been so tough on him. But it had and he was tired. There had been so many challenging rescues in the past few weeks. Sure, there had been a few good ones, where everything had gone to plan, but there had been so many more with fatalities. It was building up in his head and the body count was growing. Scott headed to his room, changed for bed before flopping down on the soft mattress. He didn't fall asleep straight away, his mind still wide awake, a stark comparison to his exhausted body. Eventually he had drifted off, but it was anything but a peaceful night's sleep. He woke up on multiple occasions. His nightmares would be over and forgotten, but the feelings of fear and grief they left behind haunted his mind. When his alarm went off Scott got up. His body felt sluggish and his brain wasn't rested, but he ploughed forward anyway. Nothing could change what happened, but more rescues would soon come in. He had to continue.

*****

The gala was the last place Scott wanted to be. It had been four days and two rescues since the nightmares had started. He knew he was struggling, and he really didn't want to plaster a fake smile on his face, but he was still Scott Tracy and Scott Tracy had to do these things. Scott shook the right hands and spoke the right words. People were pleased to see him, and many tried to entice him with their current projects. They would have to try again later. Scott wasn't playing ball.

Then he saw her. Jet black hair, green eyes, and a mischievous smile. She was familiar but Scott couldn't place her. He excused himself and headed in her direction. She locked eyes on him before she started towards the exit. He followed, slightly baffled by her directness. She led him to the balcony where they were alone. Her smile warmed his heart and lifted his spirits in a way he hadn't felt for a while. She was a breath of fresh air in his current stagnant state of mind.

"I'm Isla. Isla Howardson."

"Scott Tracy."

He couldn't help looking her up and down. She had on a splendid navy ball gown, one he recognised from a magazine an ex-girlfriend had once shoved in his face. It suited her.

"It's a beautiful night."

Scott couldn't fault it. It was warm and the stars were out. They were bathed in the light of an almost full moon.

"It is. So, what brings you to this gala?"

"Work, I'm a researcher looking for funding."

"What's the project? Maybe I could help?" Scott grinned at her. He knew his dimples would be on full display, and that the moonlight enhanced them. Women just loved his dimples.

"I'm researching the immune systems of bats in the hope of finding new ways to fight diseases. Have you heard of immunotherapy?"

Scott nodded. He'd touched the basics in his biology classes, though how much he remembered he couldn't say.

"Basically, I'm looking for ways to improve it, make it work better against solid tumours amongst other things."

"Sounds interesting, do you enjoy your work?"

"I do. I feel like I'm on the forefront. I want to make a difference and if we could just crack immunotherapy, I feel it could help so many people. How about you? What do you do? Do you enjoy it?"

"I'm a businessman and pilot, but I prefer being a pilot. I love flying fast, there's a rush to it."

"Do you get to fly a lot if you're a businessman?"

"I make the most of what time I can get. Even if it's just a quick flight to another state."

She smiled at him, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She slipped out her phone.

"I'd better go. It's getting late."

Isla was heading for the door and Scott jumped into action. He closed the gap between them with two long strides.

"Wait! Can I get your number? I might like to fund your project."

Isla smiled at him and he held out his phone. She hovered hers above his and shared her contact details. Scott watched her walk away. Something about her was familiar. He didn't know her well, but she had brightened up his night.

*****

The first message he sent her was about her project. He asked for the details of her project, though he did a little research of his own while he waited for a response. Isla Howardson was the lead researcher on the Blumenbach Immunotherapy project at Crifton Group. It was a fantastic and clean company; one Tracy Industries had a good working relationship with. Scott made a personal donation from his funds and added the project to the approval list for the Lucille Research Grant.

Scott slipped in a few questions about how she was doing and soon they were corresponding regularly. Isla understood his long hours, and never expected anything from him. As the months passed by Scott became comfortable with the relationship they had. He trusted Isla so much that he started to confide in her. He would let slip a concern or worry he had, and she was always the voice of reason he needed.

One evening, after a tough morning rescue, Scott had been working on some files for Tracy Industries, while his Dad took over the command duties for International Rescue. It was coming up to 1900 hours and Scott would normally work until at least 2200 hours if not later. However, tonight he was wound up and needed to talk, he needed someone to confide in. Scott packed up and saved what he had been doing before heading to his room. Locking the door, he located Isla's number on his comm and dialled it. They had only occasionally spoken face to face, but he felt the tension fall from his shoulders when she answered.

"Hello Scott!"

Her smile worked its way through his walls, pulling down his barriers and washing away the stress of the day. Isla was in her jeans and old rock T-Shirt. It was the kind of t-shirt Alan would wear, and she wore it well.

"Hey Isla, how was your day?

"Brilliant, I think we're making progress. Same back?"

Scott sighed. He looked at the hologram knowing he couldn't hide his sadness from her anymore.

"It's been tough. So many things went wrong. People were seriously hurt, and some died. Sometimes I just can't take seeing so many people die. I know I've been trained for this. The Air Force sure as hell prepared me for so much, but I just can't take any more bodies. I can't watch anyone else die."

Isla floated before him. He'd already told her about International Rescue. He could see her face thinking, its features frowning slightly as she thought of the right words to say. He knew she'd say the right words. She always did.

"You don't have to watch them die, Scott. You could just be a businessman, and a pilot on the side."

Scott's heart raced at the thought and he wanted to fight back. She was suggesting that he give up International Rescue, that he stops doing his job. He couldn't do that. He was born for this. This is what felt right to him. It was the best piloting gig in the world.

"I can't give up International Rescue."

"I know." Isla looked at him, her caring gaze held his. "But you've always had to face the fact that not everyone can be rescued. People will always die. You need to think of how many you've saved."

Scott sat back, his fingers running through his hair. The thought of giving up International Rescue was still harder than the difficulty he faced when he went into a rescue. The dread of the next death count. Each one adding up. Another mark on his conscience. He pulled his knees to his chest, closed his eyes to the world and fought the tears. The nightmares would come tonight. He knew it.

"It's going to be okay, Scott. You'll get through this."

Scott focused on his breathing. His fingers gripping his hair. How could this get better? How could he face another rescue? The tears seeped through his eyelids and soaked into his jeans. He couldn't be strong anymore. He couldn't face another death.

"You don't have to be strong, Scott. It's not a weakness."

Scott finally raised his head and looked at his friend. Isla was his best friend. He needed her. She was always there, always ready to help. She never complained about her life or work or the difficulties she faced. She took them head on. His breath was steady now. The panic passed and his thoughts straighter. He even managed a small smile.

"Thanks Isla. I needed that."

"I know you did, Scott. I'm always here for you."

"I'd better get to bed."

"That sounds like a good idea. Goodnight Scott."

"Goodnight Isla."

Scott changed and climbed into bed. He fell asleep quickly, emotionally exhausted, but the nightmares came.

#thunderbirds are go #Scott Tracy #whump #pain #hurt #phantom #rescue gone wrong

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melyaliz · 4 years ago

Text

Remember me pt. 8

Master List

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Pairing: Bakugo Katsuki x OC

Notes: the last two months were some of the hardest months I have ever had to deal with. But they are over now and I am slowly pulling myself out of the gutter. And oh so grateful that my creativity is back

All Masterlists @melyalizarchive

Connect with me! AO3 / Instagram / Pinterest

DONATE or REQUEST

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0- Bakugou- -0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

“So what’s up with you and metalhead?” Kirishima asked as the heroes slowly rode the bus they had been given back to the large glass building. Bakugou, who had been peacefully resting, peeked an eye open glaring at the redhead who was smiling at him.

“Who?” The blonde knew who he was talking about. But he wasn't about to let Kirishima know he knew.

“The girl with the Gojra shirt.”

“Nothing.” eyes closed, head resting back angst the headrest as if that was the end of the conversation. However, with Kirishima it never was.

“You guys talked, did you get her number?”

That comment didn’t even deserve a response. Or the weird way his stomach clenched when it was asked. “No, why would I?”

“Because you like her” Kirishima poked him in the side or tried too but Bakugou swatted it away never opening his eyes.

“I don…”

“Tell me you at least you got her number.”

“Why do you care?” that one had a bit of a bite to it. A warning to back off.

“You didn’t! Bro…” disappointment lanced in the red head’s voice. As if Bakugou had just told him he was giving up on becoming number one or something. It was just some girl’s number.

“We are only here for a few more weeks--” Bakugou started to reason but was once again cut off.

“Oh look there she is, you can ask her out now.”

Bakuoug’s eyes opened looking out the window to see her talking to a few of her coworkers. Well, he assumed they were coworkers since she regularly talked to them. One of them, a guy, leaned forward annoying close to her to tell her something that made her laugh.

Something inside him made him hot. That same feeling he would get in high school when Deku would steal the spotlight. Would do something that would make everyone think he was better than he was. He wasn’t better. And neither was this guy.

As the bus stopped letting everyone out he walked out and stepped up to the group.

“Hey Olive”

She turned her face breaking into a smile as she saw him. “Hello, Bakugou. Beautiful weather isn’t it?” He knew her overly formal way of speaking was her lack of knowledge in the Japanse language but it still bothering him a little. She was obviously not a very formal person with her coworkers.

“I’m back for the weekend, I’m taking you to dinner.” Right to the point. He had never been one for small talk.

“I’m free Saturday,” she didn’t even bother asking where or when

“6 here,” he nodded. With the plans made he walked off not bothering -daring- to look back. However, he was able to catch that annoying guy ask about the interaction.

“What did he say?”

“Nothing important”

“It looked important,” one of the girls said her voice hitching in that weird squeak sound that girl would get when they were telling each other secrets.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Bakugo was dealing with two issues that were making his life a living hell.

Ok maybe that was a little dramatic but… making his life hard

One was sleeping next to Olive.

Sleeping next to someone you are physically attracted to and have had an intimate relationship with before is normally fine but as the days wear on, your body starts to crave them. It’s as if no matter how much you remind your bain it's your body that you have to fight. It knows that the warm body next to it makes it feel so good. It wants those feelings again.

And it had been a while.

in fact, besides that odd mission that took longer than it should plus healing after this might be the longest they had ever gone without having sex.

His body burned next to hers and the fact that he couldn't touch her was slowly starting to eat him alive. He kept telling himself he was stronger than this. That he could keep his sexual urges at bay but in the dark of the night where all he could do was feel the warmth of her body surrounded by her scent, it was madding.

One night she had moaned in her sleep and reached out her fingers brushing his torso. So touched starved and horney he was wide awake in seconds and so hard it was almost painful.

He was getting in a lot more late-night workouts.

Which just lead to him being more tired and grumpy. Everything seemed to irritate him now.

Which led to his second problem

Trying to get everyone to show up at the same place at the same time.

Trying to organize his old classmates was like herding cats. Not only did the conversation derail at every glimmer of an opportunity but their lives were so busy just getting that many heroes to have a few hours off was near impossible.

It could also be partly (mostly) his fault. If he was being REALLY honest with himself. (Self refection seemed to be an ongoing theme since this whole fucking issue had happened.) Bakugou may not have really wanted them to be there. He hated the idea of everyone knowing what was going on in their marriage. Their problem was unique and kind of intimate and he hated the idea that somehow he may have failed Olive.

So he was dragging his feet.

That was until she came back from therapy with puffy red eyes unable to look at him. The moment she walked into the apartment he was instatly clued in knowing something was wrong because she didn’t even greet Dolemite who came crying up to her in excitement at her being home. He could hear her mumbling something and then a soft wet laugh.

Shit.

He was looking over the reports on her case again. Pouring over each detail as if something would pop out at him. There was still nothing -besides the American angle- that seemed to link the two of them. But he couldn’t give up, if he focused harder, kept looking something would popup.

Or that was what he was telling himself until something else demanded his attention. Something much worse walked into the living room. Olive, looking completely defeated.

“Oh shit” she mumbled, catching his gaze a look of surprise on her face, “ you're not at work?”

“No, I only went in for a few hours.” he decided now was not the time to work on her Japanese. The way she looked. It made him sick. He wanted to go right over to that therapist and pound him (or her) into the ground. How dare they make Olive cry like that.

Looking away she coughed, “I’m going to wash up” she mumbled wiping the back of her hand across her face.

“Ok” he watched her go as the door closed behind her he heard her let out a choked sob. It shot through him like a bullet. Worse than any punch he had ever taken. Worse than anything he had ever felt.

He had thought it was getting better.

Apparently not.

He knew he should just leave it. Just let her work out whatever leftover emotions she was dealing with from Therapy. She obviously wanted her privacy closing the door and not making eye contact with him. But he couldn’t help it. Getting up he walked up to the door leaning against it leaning against the door. His back to it trying to see if he could hear anything.

It was muffled but her voice was loud enough fro him to catch a few phrases.

“I can’t do this Lilly” her voice was soft. “I just want to be happy. I just want to stop missing him.”

“Do you think you were the all sunshine and roses the first time around?” Lilly was obviously on speaker muffled by the door. “You need to stop putting those impossible standards on yourself”

“But I’m not just hurting, I’m hurting him too.”

Him, she meant Bakugou. He frowned, his heart pounding. She was crying because she was hurting him. As if he needed to be protected. It was almost laughable

“He’ll get over it” was Lilly’s soft voice. “He’s a big boy”

Olive let out another sob saying something about unfair and something else he couldn’t make out. Bakugou’s fists clenched angrily, feeling them grow hot small pops erupting in his hands. He didn’t care if it was planned or not, he was going to find that memory querk guy and beat him to a bloody pulp for making Olive feel like this.

His phone vibrated and he looked down to See Kirishima saying he just got off.

Letting out a low growl he shot off a text to the group,

Whoever can make it show up the rest of you losers can just die.

Olive came out 10 mins later. She had washed her face and she looked much cleaner and less, distressed. Finding Bakugou on the couch she smiled waving at him.

“So I was thinking maybe we go out for dinner? Do something fun?” she looked as if she hadn’t just been having a mental breakdown in the bedroom. All smiles and sunshine. That was his girl. A fighter, never settling for anything less than the best. Nothing could keep her down for long.

“Well good because we are meeting some people for dinner and drinks.”

This time her smile reached her face as she lit up. “Really who!?! Is it Kirishima?” she quickly switched to the Japanese trying to get in as much practice as she could.

“ Among a few others yes,”

Letting out a squeal she turned, “What would I wear? Is it a nice dinner?”

“Cute, not fancy.” walking past her he lead her back into thei bedroom. Her bouncing behind him like a puppy into their shared closet all smiles and giggles. Grabbing a black dress that he loved her in he handed it to along with a red leather jacket.

“Thank you Katsuki,” she said looking at the clothes. Nodding he turned to grab his own outfit. He could hear her rushing toward the bathroom to change and probably put some makeup on.

“You have 30 minutes to get ready” he called after her as the phone in his pocket blew up with texts on who was coming and when they would be showing up.

Let’s just get this over with. He thought as he quickly changed going out to the bedroom he jumped onto the bed looking over the texts waiting for Olive to finish up. 45 minutes later Olive appeared. He was about to give her shit for taking so long but when he saw her standing there he just about had a heart attack.

Dressed in that cute little black dress he had forgotten how good it looked on her. Hugging each curve giving just enough cleavage to show off but not enough to be scandalous. The little heeled booties make her legs look amazing.

Oh god.

Her makeup was done all smokey and her hair had a bit of a messy curl in it giving her a bit of a rocker vibe. It took all his will power to not pull her onto the bed and just take her right there.

He wanted to so badly

“Too much? ” she asked fidgetting with the hem of her leather jacket. One he had gotten for her a few months ago after watching her admire it in a shop window.

“ No, ” he said, getting up, “ let’s go. ”

“I’m kind of nervous” she mumbled following him out. Her English words clean and clear giving off her true emotions.

“ You said you wanted this, ” he said looking at her continuing in Japanese so that she could get as much practice in. Their friends English ranged from ok to nonexistent so she needed to be ready, “ And it’s not like they don’t know you.”

“I just… yeah” she muttered her gaze looking away from him. He instantly regretted teasing her.

“ These are kids from UA, all proheros now. And they like you. ” he paused fighting back a smile at the memories of her meeting them all for the first time, “ Probably more than me. ”

“I doubt that ” was her response as she bit her upper lip.

“ Stop that, ” he said, shoving her slightly with his shoulder. She turned confused. “ Worrying ,” he pointed to his lip to indicate he saw what she was doing.

“ Ok .” she nodded as they walked, their hands kept brushing finally she just reached out grabbing his. He looked down at her fingers wove into this and he felt painfully aware of how it made him feel. How he wanted to just pull her closer to him. Take her away to somewhere quiet, alone. Make her remember him. Remind her body at least of how it loved him. But he didn’t just walking with her. Feeling like they were marching toward their death sentience.

His friends better behave.

To say Bakugou had two problems was putting it lightly

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Story Tag: @0hmydeku @inumorph @it-jinxed-us @myraticm

Master List

#bakugou x you #Bakugou x oc #katsuki bakugo x reader #bakugou Katsuki x oc #bakugou fanfic #bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugo fluff #Katsuki Bakugou x OC #bnha oc #bnha long fic #bnha fanfic

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