#And am failing most of my classes
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Can someone stab me with a knife? Pretty please?
#Ugh I don’t like posting stuff like this on this blog but I have no one to talk to so why not the void#Relating hard to that one vampire weekend lyric#“I don’t want to live like this#But I don’t want to die”#Found out one of my friends actually doesn’t like me#And I feel the depression coming back#And I’m having trouble talking to people again#and i feel like shit#and I’m burnt out#And have art block#And am failing most of my classes#Even though I know I could easily ace them if I tried#But I can’t#for who knows what reason#And I feel so alone#and all in all I’m just tired#I don’t even have time to do things that interest me#It’s a ruthless cycle of how much stress can the universe unload on me#Vent#tw vent
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Everyone scandalized about Chilchuck being thirsted over, a character who is objectively 29, which is 40+ in human years, who has 3 grown daughters and a divorce, just because of how he's drawn, you have my biggest congratulations. I truly did not think the complex physiological system of a human body could be managed by a creature with not one singular brain cell. How you managed to stagger over to the computer and bash your skull against the keyboard with enough accuracy to post remains a further mystery. I am going to put you in a maze filled with buzzsaw goblins and will use the results to write a second PhD thesis.
#my stuff#ive only seen the tip of the iceberg from someone i'm following and oh my god is it taking all my power not to get involved#how are there wholeass adults who are this fucking stupid#brain revolving inside a peanut shell type intelligence. failed out of english class for incurable illiteracy disease.#symptomatic of terminal online-only fandom-is-real-life syndrome and i hope you LOG OFF FOREVER#notice that i am not tagging this. this is intentional. don't you fucking dare tag this with the show/manga.#i pre-emptively blocked like 6 people for having the most blank MRI ass takes. don't make that number go up.
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something i've been learning again and again recently is that tged has absolutely wonderful reaction image material
i've been using these on my priv twitter account and it has been VERY fun scrolling back and seeing them,,, they work so well
like theyre so silly,,, they fit so well,,, i can use them in any situation,,, and the art expresses it perfectly,,,
they,,, may have replaced my tmnt ones
if i had the storage space i absolutely would go through the webtoon again to get fun screenshots for reaction image purposes,,, alas i do not so i will just use the ones i take every now and then
i love the art in tged so so much im so glad i read this webtoon
#tged#the greatest estate developer#lynn misc#genuinely i didn't think it'd knock me the fuck out of my tmnt fixation#not that im no longer interested in tmnt bc i very much still am#its just. on the backburner. cause. tged takeover in my brain#now i have. twice as many WIPs it might be a little bit of a problem#very short storytime i had actually been reading greatest estate developer since around the start of the webtoon#i liked it back when i started a lot it was one of my favorites at the time too#but the severe SEVERE attachment (thats two severes) didnt begin until way later#specifically. A WEEK BEFORE MY FINALS#do you know how devastated i was. to suddenly get severely attached to a media i like to a liferuining degree#RIGHT BEFORE THE TIME THAT I NEED TO FOCUS THE MOST#insane. insane!!! what the fuck lloyd why would u do this to me#i did in fact fail a final but its ok i still kind of passed the class
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its the season
#loz#legend of zelda#skyward sword#link#i had a style in mind but i am draw with the most slippery mouse on earth so *shrug*#im not doing any october challenges. i never do those anyway#the only challenge im doing this year is the challenge of not failing MY JANK ASS MATH CLASS AGAIN#ITS ALWAYS MATH!!!!! ALWAYS!!!! ITS SO DUMB LIKE I SHOULDNT EVEN BE FAILING#IT SHOULDNT BE THIS HARD#also im trying to get my professional S+ in separate ways and leon's rpd outfit from the mercenaries#i dont have time for anything else unfortunately u_u#OH THE SHINE IN HIS HAIR SAYS LINK HEEHEEHEEHEE I ALMOST FORGOT
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GUESS WHO JUST FINISHED UNDERGRAD 🥳
#i did nearly kill myself for this degree everyone be nice to me right now.#unless i failed my final and my class and im not graduating which would be embarrassing#i do not technically graduate until final grades come in but close enough i am celebrating Now#bc i deserve it#ok off to take the most satisfying nap of my life#/astro posts
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I know I'm not what I produce. But my inability to write lab reports in time has really bitten my lab partners twice this semester, saddling them with unnecessary amounts of work and stress. I don't know what to do.
#i didn't think i was this bad at writing#maybe it's partially the tiredness#am i gonna fail this lab class that most people get As in?#i might deserve to at this point#i tanked my midterm presentation too#even with a gracious extension from the professors#my journal club presentation was the only assignment i actually did decent on#and even then#this is why I'll never ever be a professor#and probably never a real researcher either#I'm good at analysis but i can't write for SHIT unless given tremendous amounts of time. and i don't even write badly#i just either write fairly well or i write nothing#and lately “nothing” seems to be winning more and more#vent#vent post
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ive got an essay due at 3pm tomorrow and ive not even looked at it i am so so unserious about my degree and by the grace of some higher being i somehow keep managing to crawl through it's actually getting a bit funny
#me and an old friend of mine used to have a running joke during a-levels that im just one of those people where shit Works Out#and it started bc we shared two a-levels (english and economics) and in BOTH classes i regularly didn't do the homework#or the reading etc and yet it would ALWAYS work out for me#like we'd walk into a class neither of us having done the homework and they'd get yelled at while i went under the radar somehow#or that one english essay i got the highest score in the class when i literally hadn't even read the fucking book it was on#and when we pointed the theory out it started just becoming really prevalent#like no matter how late i am for things i'll arrive and by some miracle the thing im late for is also late (e.g a train or teacher)#like im just one of those people that has very very mundane luck#and low and behold i am fighting this degree with bloody fists putting the absolute bare minimum in for my own sanity's sake#and i SOMEHOW keep pulling through. literally failed two modules last year and STILL got a 2:1 average#and the last essay i wrote was the worst essay id ever done in my life and i get my standards are higher bc ik im good at essays#but the point still stands and you know what? i got a FIRST#literally was pure waffle i have never blagged it so hard and i got a FIRST#and all this shit just makes me cockier and cockier and go even more by the skin of my teeth and it ALWAYS WORKS OUT#it's soooo silly but im not complaining. anyway ill keep u posted about this essay <3 it's econ history so is actually interesting#but the most ive done for it is ask the sc ai lmao and for context degree-level essays usually require a good few days of graft#live love laziness#hella goes to uni
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I passed my physics final!!!! 💪💪💪
#this is a huge surprise! i cried lol#don't know my final grade yet but I'm desperately hoping that it buffers my failing midterm test score#anyway this is the most I've ever struggled in a class so!#please hope for me that i passed the class#i am usually an A student and this has been a B- quarter which is not ideal but I'm trying my absolute best
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it's so hard being a person who needs to be the best at everything when you are slightly below average at best at any given department
#i don't think ppl who tell me i'm good at x thing (that includes things like looks or voice etc btw) are lying or anything#but i do think they're biased and their love skews their perception of me. bc i mean. no one else can see it after all#and i hate that as a kid i was propped up as better than others bc it really did give me this complex while growing up lol#joining a gifted class and finding out i'm not actually particulary smart compared to them#failing auditions as an adult or messing up things i did get into#like this is why i don't like it when ppl say i have an impostor syndrome like noooo i literally do suck 😭#i'm not saying this in an 'i'm blind to my own abilities' way i'm just saying that compared to most people i am below average 😭#being better at a thing than the average person who. doesn't do the thing. doesn't mean much when i'm among the worst in those who do#and it's really discouraging from getting better at things too. bc i feel so inherently shitty at everything that it feels pointless#(esp given that i DID put years of effort into certain things yet i still suck or i lost my ability to do them with time)#so it's easier to not try. if i'm gonna be the worst anyway yknow? may as well save the effort and the heartache of trying and failing#(getting better is all about failing over and over yada yada ik all that shit i'm just not built to handle it. mentally)#vent#accidentally. bc i started rambling. bc i'm in some jealousy fueled rage rn sorry
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i love school because i inevitably end up with too many tasks and don't complete any of them!
#i mean it would help if my group for the group project had any sense of direction#it would also help if this class had any sort of organization that made sense to me#or if our member who made himself project manager didnt disappear off the face of the earth#or if we were given more time#i said it at the beginning that we weren't gonna have enough time and i was right!#little hater variety hour#im sorry but did we need a full class devoted to vr??? instead of talking about something important like level design???#like every class session i feel like im just wasting time but also like idk what i even supposed to do with it to complete this assignment#it would have also helped if my remaining group members would contribute anything#im letting them finish it. i dont care if we fail. ill go down with this ship#this is a lie i will be checking to make sure something gets submitted but i am not putting in any more effort#i swear i need to take manager and leadership classes with how often i end up trying to manage a project where i am objectively#working on the biggest and most important part while my group members wont help when i prompt them as they speculate on the stuff that cant#be completed until the part im working on is done#i hate group projects
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#daily bailey#i almost cried this morning because i have not been doing well in english class#failed two pop quizzes and then we got a C on our group presentation because we waited til the last minute and crammed and i winged it becau#i am so bad at literary analysis and my brain was empty#and when it was graded my part took the most criticism because it SUCKED#i hate myself#i have a 70 on the class#if i dont do wel on this essay i might cry#this is a 100 level english class. the easiest level.
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i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane
(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)
#i feel so isolated from everything bc i’m not in school rn but all my friends are and 90% of the ones who are in state go to the same school#so they’re all in the same town and here i am 45 minutes away#i never get invited to anything bc 1) my friends all tend to make plans really last minute#and 2) if we want to go out and drink - which we usually do bc that’s the stage of life we’re in rn - i’d have to stay the night with#someone bc i absolutely cannot afford a 45 minute uber home and most of my friends don’t like staying over / having people stay over#so i have basically no social life and it’s only gotten worse in the past couple months since i got laid off from my main job#not only did i love that job but i loved my coworkers and work was pretty much the only time i left the house and interacted with people#and without that job i can’t even do the little solo things i used to do to cheer myself up like go see a movie#or even just go for a long drive bc i’m broke (as in i have $17 in cash to my name and am like $1000 in debt rn)#so all i do is rot in bed all day and apply for jobs that i’m overqualified for yet still don’t get hired#i barely even leave my room bc i avoid my family which just makes me feel guilty bc i love my family#but they get on my nerves so easily and most of the conversations i have with my mom end in her lecturing me about something and me crying#and on top of everything it’s just straight up embarrassing to be unemployed and completely directionless about college and living at home#logically i know i’m still very young and it’s common to live at home when you’re 20 but literally none of my friends do#i had a couple friends who lived at home for the first 2 years after high school and went to community college but by now they’ve moved out#and they’re all at universities and either graduating this year or next year meanwhile the earliest i could possibly graduate is in 2 years#i should be finishing my junior year rn but i’ve only completed my freshman year#i hated the school i was at and planned on transferring sophomore year but long story short that didn’t work out#even longer story short i ended up doing a semester each at 2 different community colleges and failed all my classes both times#and took 2 semesters off so now i’m a full 2 years behind and even though my freshman year was miserable#i’m starting to wish i stayed at that school anyway bc at least i would be at a university and accomplishing something#plus theres a huge difference between staying at home for a couple years after high school then moving out later#vs living on your own right away then having to move back home after you’ve already experienced having your own space#and on top of everything i have an older sister who’s a literal genius and graduated last year#and a younger sister who just finished her freshman year at the school i hated but she loves it and got perfect grades and made friends#so they’re both thriving and here i am living with my mom and my 13 year old brother and just completely failing at everything#i’m just so miserable and obviously moving out again and going back to school wouldn’t magically fix everything#but at least i would feel like my life was going somewhere and i wasn’t getting left behind by everyone i know#i just have no idea how to move forward and i feel like ever since high school not a single thing has gone the way i wanted it to#vent
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sorry people are annoying about your chronic illness lou i think you rock and it sucks that you have migraine 😔 you deserve to have so much fun at tit no matter what tho. love you x1000
thank you <3 i am really excited for tit!! i was talking with some friends the other day and i'm trying to convince a friend to visit for the show so we could go together and even if they can't make it it's going to be so fun. i'm for sure going to be meeting up with a friend who i met up with at WAD and there should be a few other tumblr people there who i'm excited to meet :) i'm planning to take a nurtec beforehand to hopefully help prevent a migraine from the lights/general excitement of the experience and i will have my nsaids and triptans with me in case that's not enough!
my real hope though is that whatever we do at my next neurology appointment will actually help this time (which it should... i think i've finally jumped through enough hoops for botox or a cgrp antagonist but i've thought that before and insurance has told me i am wrong) and i will maybe not need to worry so much about all the migraine stuff. summoning circle or whatever
#asks#castrotophic#i am excited for it!! and Right Now that's the only emotion i'm allowing myself to process bc i'm not on anxiety meds and if i am negative#i will spiral :)#look at me being positive. my therapist would be so proud#i'm not pinging ppl but. chicago mutuals/phriends you know who you are <3#i know you didn't ask about the specific drugs i'm planning to take to try to avoid having a bad migraine but i'm sharing with the class#actually i failed to specifically name rizatriptan and diclofenac that's on me#i'm flexible though lmao i have leftover (pill) sumatriptan still and also aleve#i used to also have a bottle of aspirin thankfully i was able to pawn that off bc quite frankly i had too many nsaids in my medicine cabine#even currently i have a lot more migraine rescue meds than anyone should need to have on hand#and the worst part is i actually take most of them frequently enough that i can't get rid of them#i regularly mix and match between- rizatriptan aleve diclofenac nurtec excedrin tylenol#in case anyone was wondering. i have excedrin aleve and diclofenac on me at all times#if you have a headache at tit chicago. hit me up lmao#honestly if you have a headache anywhere in the chicago metropolitan area. i've got you covered#anyways!!#sorry i'm kind of insane i slept like shit last night and my brain is being real weird today
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School is draining any small motivation I had for art
or creativity in general
(tw: I got pretty much depressive in the tags but I needed to dump this somewhere and this may not be the best place but is where I feel better talking about my problems or insecurities, so feel free to ignore)
#vent in the tags#tw vent#i'm tired#and I hate that I'm tired#everytime I try to finish education is worst than the last time. my head can't take any sort of information from the class#no matter how many times they try to explain me or how many times I read and reread the same text#I can't focus. I can't memorize anything. I'm just sitting there in the classroom waiting for the 4 hours to finish to go back home#and spend the rest of the night just doing nothing. staring at the walls or doomscrolling till I have to go to bed and wake up again#for another day of fighting against an stupid anxiety attack in class because I'm going to fail this again#I hate school. I fucking hate it. the most boring stressing overwhelming way of learning#having the teacher talk for 1-2 hours straight and the student listening the whole time not saying anything is stupid#it's so fucking stupid they only want them to be mindless sheeps that only listen#because if you say anything 'no. you're wrong. I'm the teacher and I know better' fucking bullshit#this system is bullshit#and how am I supposed to study a whole school year of history. biology. math etc in less than 4 months??#everybody was like#'oh it's just 4 months and you'll be out of school!' 'in 4 months you'll get the education!' 'you can finish this in just 4 months!'#I fucking can't! I can't do this in such short time! I can't. focus. on 6. subjects at the same time. my brain can't!#and it's so fucking depressing. I have 4 opportunities to finish this. the longest it could take me is 2 years#I could just focus on 1 or 2 things each time but if I fail too many times I won't have another opportunity like this ever again#and I won't be able to finish highschool education and I. just. can't.#I'm tired of giving my biggest effort and not being enough. I'm tired of getting no satisfaction from any achievement I get#I hate so many things right now#and I have a lot more things in my head right now but I better shut up#you don't have to comfort me. it's ok. I'm not searching for confort. I just needed a place to dump my frustration or something#idk#you can ignore this#I might delete this later
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#Howwwww is it 5am already I want to go home#I begged my parents and sibling to let me go home to my own bed and they wouldn't let me#I don't want to be the solution to our family problems I want to go be alone and not here#I understand me being around more would make our parents nicer and give my siblings someome sane to talk to#But I want to die and I don't want to be here and I don't care about any of these people#Once again them forcing me to go to their house made me miss an assignment. So that class is genuinely failed now.#It makes me so frustrated I could cry. Every time I say I'm doing school work#Or say I can't drop everything and drive forty minutes to their house. they laugh at me#They genuinely laugh and say I'm such a liar and I'm faking and there's no way I ever do any school work#I'm actually shaking I'm so frustrated they don't understand. That's how long it takes me.#Why can't they just realize I'm a dumbass fucking idiot. I'm so fucking stupid#I'm literally so stupid. Intellectually I'm a fucking idiot and I am so useless and slow.#Stop trying to believe I have potential to fucking waste#The fact is there is no potential but I'm fucking wasting anyway#I'm so. Dumb. When I say I'm doing school work I mean I looked at the tab and got nervous about how overdue#everything is and how I'm failing and everyone wants me to leave my safety for their own inane bullshit#I wouldn't be failing this class at all if I had been able to complete the first week on time#instead of like. sitting outside a convention center alone and in agony for Five (5) hours.#Kudos to the devil for creating the exact perfect circumstances to kill me in particular#I should reach out and go to a friend's house and it would be good for me. But.#There's no way I'm going to see or speak to anyone in this state of everything#Everyone else around me seems to have improved in mental health I'm not going to ruin that by making them let me come over#No one really believes any of the problems I have like even I don't. how are you that stupid. just stop having these problems.#I can't go to a friend's house when I have problems like this. Last time I had a breakdown and scared the fucking host and#their partner had to be the one to comfort me because I was crying too loud for autistic ears :(#I can't do that to anyone again#I'm not kidding when I say I'm a huge burden genuinely I exist to be upsetting and inconvenient and frustrating#I am literally the most selfish person to ever have existed. Just objectively. I don't care about anyone or anything at all.#I don't love my friends or my family and I don't care about what they want or need. truthfully.#I just want to sit in my tiny room where nothing changes and no one expects me to drive anywhere holy fucking shit it's 6am
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i have yet to make an academic comeback and my last day to turn in all of my work is on the 29th…and…i’m missing basically all my assignments for all of my courses….🥸
#⊹ siren calls ! ᮫#this college semester hit me like a truck#HELP#chat am i cooked#no#i’m gonna make the most insane academic comeback#just you wait#well#i’m probs gonna fail my stats class#BUT I HAVE 4 OTHER COURSES IM NOT GONNA FAIL
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