#And also mental illness so me in a nutshell lol

[emipon]

Throwback ThWednesday to Inktober 2019 which I kind of like now and want to re-attempt some of these

[pepprs]

ok. giving myself 4 minutes to make this post and then i finish my homework. i just am so deeply miserable. i really think i made a mistake. i should not be in grad school. i only took a year between this and undergrad and i am still so burned out and mentally ill. im working full time. im only taking one class and this program is supposed to be so good and aligned with what i want and all of that. but i just cant stand having homework. i just cant stand it. i think i am not cut out for academia even though i work in academia. i think i will never get better as long as im still living at home but i have to get better before i can no longer be living at home but i cant get better until im not living at home and every day i still live at home saps away at my will to live quite literally. i should not have started doing grad school without regaining my will to live. without restoring my love for reading and writing that i used to have voraciously when i was younger and less deeply miserable. without recovering from the burnout. i think i made a mistake. i need a masters degree so bad so that i can be safe but i need to not have fucking homework when i already struggle to get through my days without school. i feel so stuck in my life and hopeless and helpless. i dont know what to do

[nickolox]

((( long ramble post)))

trying to figure wtf is going on with your own mental health without the help of a professional + having a mental illness that already fucks with the way you perceive things (ocd) is genuine hell

like, I HAVE a psychiatrist, but he's fucking. awful and always puts medications first over like, figuring out what the fuck is going on

and everything about this whole procedure just feels like, off???

tldr: local man questions if he has The Dissociative Disorder™ whilst being simultaneously given red herrings and blatantly obvious eye opening signals at the same time, and has the same realizations 30 times over because i am in a constant cycle of denial, forgetting and then rediscovering this bullshit

so to put it in a nutshell most of my psychiatrist discussions about the big disorderly things go like this:

psych: so what are you experiencing me: i keep like, having these massive gaps in my memory, where i have no idea what happened or what i did or anythign for hours and hours at a time, and i looked up what that means and its apparently called dissociating? what does that mean? psych: right, that's a stress response. me: yeah, That makes sense. But I've also been unable to remember major events like my sister's wedding or my graduation... psych: well... obviously you were just anxious lol me: *remembers the photos i have as the only proof i have that those events happened, and im smiling in all of them* maybe?? i mean, it didn't seem like that was the case. psych: (completely ignores that) hmmm. okay. anyways- me: also I've been hearing voices??? psych: where? externally or internally? me: internally psych: (visible relief) oh thank god i was concerned it was schizophrenia for a moment, having an internal dialogue is normal :) me: i can't control the voices though, and they don't sound like my own voice in my mind. they're distinct, and it's not like my OCD either. psych: that's normal, sometimes people just imagine things ^_^

so, it was "anxiety" the first time, came back. told him this shit is still happening, and then he blamed it on my medications, and now i'm on a new set, which i suppose needed to happen anyways?

But like, he told me that brain fog and memory loss are a thing with prozac (what i was taking before) and i was like "huh no one told me that" to which he said "well no one says the full list of side effects because no one would want to take the meds otherwise"

i get home, i look up the fucking manual that comes with prozac when you go on it for the first time, and no where. NOWHERE. is this shit on that list of side effects. i look up a list of the side effects, dozens of sites, NOTHING!!!!

I speak with my bestie and he reminds me that,

I dealt with these problems prior to going on medication (something i didnt even remember, lol)

it has literally nothing to do with anxiety bc he himself has crippling anxiety and deals with none of the shit i do

i'm going to shit bricks dude what the fuck is wrong with my stupid brain, it feels like such a wild challenge compared to when i found out about my OCD, like, dude at least with that bitch it was consistent, it was 24/7. as shit as that was at least I knew it was always there, always there to be a bitch, but undeniable none the less.

This current mystery disorder is like, oooOOOooo i'm going to be here SOME OF THE TIME!!! to make you DOUBT it exists!!! and im sitting here like, is this a symptom or is this my ocd fucking with me bro

i feel like i might have some kind of dissociative disorder, but the problem I'm having is that it's not CONSISTENT??? like, some days I'll be like yeah this is the dream and then other days I cannot physically do anything, remember jack shit, feel like my soul is leaving my fucking body all god damn day?

why do people always talk about alters too, it's like, the one thing I don't experience, or at least, the one thing that's rare enough to not hinder me like the actual dissociation problems.

I feel like I can't be certain, and that sets my OCD off, because my brain goes "what if we're faking- what if you're overreacting" which in turn makes me go. insane. I am going insane.

there is sooo much more i could say, but i just realized it;s half past midnight. I should um. probably go to bed.

Goodnight.

[winchesterwhorehouse]

This isn’t me calling anyone out, just an observation about the fandom: we often mislabel enmeshment as “codependency.” Pop culture already does this, as does the show itself, so I don’t blame anyone for confusing the terms.

True codependency is a relationship dynamic with a very clear savior figure who “helps” (enables) someone with an untreated addiction, mental illness, etc. to their own detriment. The rescuee monopolizes the savior’s emotional labor without a real desire to change their behavior or take responsibility for themselves. The entire relationship hinges on the rescuee’s Big Problem(s). It’s an unstable person taking advantage of a people-pleaser whose self-esteem hinges on the care they give. It’s the girl from 50 Shades of Grey trying to reform and save her emotionally troubled boyfriend. Enmeshment, meanwhile, is a sort of “fusing” that is generally unhealthy but largely EQUAL. Sibling enmeshment is also called “emotional incest” by social workers. Which is why Wincest really IS canon! Emotionally speaking, it’s canon! Sibling enmeshment is sleeping in a car together as adults, knowing very intimate details about each other’s inner lives (and sex lives lol), being possessive, fearing abandonment, thinking in terms of “we” instead of being an individual, requiring the presence of the other to be soothed, the list goes on. It shows up in siblings who have experienced deep trauma together as children. So. Sam & Dean. Deeply enmeshed!

First of all ily for this ask, it has to be the most interesting thing in my askbox since I joined tumblr. Now

Taking the common points, personal boundaries are blurred and permeable. Sam and Dean fit this description in particular because of their clear lack of the same

Like here

Dean barges in when Sam's in the restroom. That's probably understandable as kids but for adults? I'm not so sure

(also this) And this is only just their physical lack of boundaries but we know it goes beyond that

From the other signs of enmeshment, one that was particularly fitting was

Finding it comforting that the other person thinks and acts like you or shares the same interests and worldviews as you

This is Dean's attitude towards Sam in a nutshell. He needs the reassurance that Sam's thought process and reasoning is entirely like his. He hates the idea of Sam being independent and immediately falls "lonely" even though there might be people (his own father) around him all the time, which goes right along with these other signs

• Finding it difficult to have alone time, including both mental and physical space

• Feeling threatened by the other person's dreams, desires, or wishes, especially if they don't involve you

[4.21]

SAM: Just listen for a second. We got a lead on a demon close to Lilith. Come with us, Dean. We'll do this together

DEAN: That sounds great. As long as it's you and me. Demon bitch is a dealbreaker. You kiss her goodbye, we can go right now

Feeling guilt or shame when advocating for yourself

Sam apologises for "leaving" Dean in purgatory and carrying on with his life with Amelia

He has time and again expressed his guilt for going off to college rather than following his father's orders and staying behind with Dean

He blames himself for the apocalypse and feels like he let Dean down ["You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down"]

Enjoying the other person's closeness or dependency on you

In a town where other victims were lured to death by a siren presenting itself as one of their best fantasies, Dean's siren took the place of an admiring, idolizing little brother who'd follow his every say. He loves the idea of blind faith from his brother

Basically, from what I can see, enmeshment is stronger, unhealthier, more devoted, more fucked up and yes! It is more fitting to the Winchester brothers

Codependency means over-reliance on your partner but enmeshment means you don't see a partner, instead your identities become one. You sort of interwine among yourselves which Sam and Dean clearly do--

what's mine is yours, what I think of, you'll know, my body? yours, our souls? connected, my happiness? you

Like you mentioned, it's fusion and while it's fucked to the core I LOVE IT

[johannas-motivational-insults]

Jo’s Top 10 of 2020

I see lots of artists doing that thing where they post a piece from each month of the year... unfortunately my content creation isn’t necessarily consistent and it’s hard to track what month individual fic chapters were posted in, but I figured I’d do something similar and post my Top 10 pieces of content I created in 2020, what they’re about and why I love them. I actually did get a fair amount done this year thanks to the lockdown, but I’ve narrowed it down to these ten that I’d like to reflect on. (To be fair, I’m probably forgetting something huge. Feel free to leave comments if you think I passed over something important lol.)

10. Friendship in the Horde (meta): This is something I’d wanted to write for a while but finally got around to finishing in February. It’s basically a sociology paper lmao, an analysis of the social hierarchies and systems of the Horde. It was also a convenient excuse for me to gush about Catralonnie, an underrated (friend)ship. But honestly this was an important piece for me because I have always identified with the Horde characters way more than any of the rebels (other than Adora, who grew up in the Horde) and part of why is how they are in an unsafe environment and end up forming relationships that are helpful for survival but hinder them psychologically. And I think to understand the Horde characters and really evaluate their motives and choices you need to understand this first.

9. The Sting in My Eyes: On the surface this is just a run of the mill hurt/comfort oneshot, but it was a really important post-canon processing fic for me. I had a lot of feelings about Catra’s relationships with Shadow Weaver and Melog in season 5, particularly about how Catra must have felt really conflicted after Shadow Weaver told her what she wanted to hear all those years but in a way that felt unearned and out of the blue. It was really cathartic for me to write a scene where she struggles with those mixed feelings but has Adora and Melog to help her process them. And I had long associated the song the title is from with Catra and Shadow Weaver’s relationship, and the way she died trying to redeem herself really solidified that connection.

8. Hail Mary, chapter 6: This was supposed to be a short chapter mostly about the backstory between Catra and Scorpia in this au, with some Catradora yearning thrown in. It evolved into a massive, sprawling thing that is very atmospheric in terms of how the setting and vibes are described and how in the moment it feels. Hail Mary is like that sometimes but that type of narration is usually about football games rather than parties, so this chapter was a fun change of pace in many ways. It was really nostaglic for me to write too, the nerves of being a teenager at a party with your crush and how intense everything feels. And the Scorptra stuff really is delicious, it was nice seeing them have that conversation they never got to have in canon and truly make up, and the tiny sliver I added of Catra’s earlier history was heartbreaking in the best way. So this was not what I intended to write, but it turned out way better for it.

7. A Better Son or Daughter (AMV): I’ve done other Adora AMVs, but this one is really my iconic piece. The song is perfect for Adora, so perfect it’s on Noelle’s Adora playlist. The vid itself is a character study about Adora’s mental health struggles and the way she represses them, as well as a tribute to her resiliency and her eventual triumph of getting to a better place in her life. This is a song that gives me a lot of feelings and once I was making it about Adora it gave me even more, so this was a very satisfying piece to complete. I wish Noelle had gotten a chance to see it but oh well, maybe down the line.

6. Hail Mary, chapter 12: This is the chapter that much of the fic had been building to, Catra and Adora in conflict because Catra finally got the chance to be Adora’s hero and Adora shot her down. It’s painfully analogous to canon, both in terms of how (I suspect) Catra felt in Thaymor and Adora’s tendency to victim blame because she’s so pragmatic. There’s definitely some tones of Taking Control in there but Lonnie does a much better job of examining Catra’s psychology and needs than Glimmer did in canon (a writing error imo, Glimmer should have had more insight). Adora just wants to help but sometimes in her quest to do so she disenfranchises others, and this was a much needed look at that aspect of her character. It’s also an excellent illustration of what it’s like to play a peacekeeping role in an abusive household and how stressful it is trying to protect others while also protecting yourself.

5. Unstoppable (AMV): This is not my favorite Catra AMV I’ve ever done, but it might be the cleverest. The soundtrack is a song about mental illness masquerading as a song about being a bad bitch, which is basically Catra in a nutshell. The lyrics are incredibly fitting for her and her arc as it develops over seasons 1-4. The vid itself takes a hard turn in the interpretation of the lyrics, going from talking about how no one can stop Catra to how she can’t stop herself because she’s in such a terrible sunk cost fallacy spiral, and I think I got several death threats over that twist lmao. As someone who primarily deals in angst, there’s hardly a better compliment to be paid.

4. Demons, chapter 31: This one got real dark on me. The concept of this chapter was originally an examination of how comparing abuse can get really dicey but you also have to respect that other people have had different experiences from you and you have to be careful not to equate things or make it sound like you’re talking over someone else. I guess it’s also a bit of a look at how autistic people (like myself) will often explain why they can empathize so others know they understand rather than saying empty platitudes, but that can come off as insensitive or like they’re making things about them. I mean, in this case Adora kinda was making things about her, but she was provoked into it by a parade of comments insinuating she didn’t suffer at all, which was also unfair. Anyway it’s one of the more important Catradora fights in Demons and something I’d written bits of over a year prior, it was that important to the plot, but it also took a turn I was not originally planning. I finished the chapter when I was in a really bad depressive and self-loathing spiral and that bled onto the page, but it worked perfectly for Catra in this scenario... that push and pull of feeling like the world has hurt and victimized you mixed with knowing you’ve done some bad things yourself and feeling like you don’t have a leg to stand on when mourning the ways you���ve been hurt. It’s intense as all fuck but it’s excellent.

3. Hail Mary, chapter 11: Speaking of dark Catra content, this chapter... whew. It was really something else, to read and to write. I have written flashbacks in Demons that are more detailed and even include explicit violence but because those scenes are always in flashback form I never really got the chance to sit in the head of an abuse victim waiting for the other shoe to drop for an entire chapter like I did here. It’s quite different from the rest of Hail Mary stylistically and is both highly sensory and extremely internalized. It took me back to some terrifying moments in my own life so it was difficult but also extremely cathartic to write. It’s important too because it really sets up where Catra was at mentally heading into her big fight with Adora, and that chapter is in Adora POV. This chapter is ranked so high simply because it’s... polished, as @malachi-walker put it. It almost is its own story within the story and really noteworthy as a piece all its own.

2. Demons, chapter 26: This chapter is very similar thematically to Hail Mary 12, just based in the canonverse. It deals with one of the core (but highly neglected by fandom) conflicts between Catra and Adora, where they both need to feel like they can take care of and protect the other but also detest feeling weak or vulnerable themselves. It leads to Adora’s ego making Catra feel disrespected and Catra’s behavior confusing Adora and making her think she’s an ungrateful brat rather than someone who needs so badly to be needed, just like her. There’s definitely some power struggles in this chapter but finally they’re able to get to the heart of it and seeing them talk it out is so satisfying. Getting this chapter published was also important to me on a personal level because, like I said, this aspect of their conflict and relationship is rarely acknowleged for how important it is when really it’s one of the deepest conflicts between them in the series. It’s a scene I started writing pretty much as soon I knew I was extending the fic into something longer because I just needed them to have this conversation, so finishing it was so satisfying.

1. Satisfaction, chapter 3: This chapter took me a really long time to write, both in terms of time to get it published and time I actually spent working on it. It’s the crown jewel of a fic that’s really important to me and I had to get it just right, so I spent more time agonizing over every detail and rewriting things to get them absolutely perfect than I usually do (I’m a perfectionist anyway, but this took it to a whole other level). But in the end it was worth it, because this chapter is damn fine. It’s really hot, as you’d expect from a smut fic, but it’s also an excellent character study of how both Catra and Adora were affected by their abuse and trauma and the issues it raises for them in terms of sex and intimacy. Also, come on, we need more BDSM fics out there that focus on the actual point of it all (the trust involved) and promote communication and do the character work to explain why they might be into it in the first place.

BONUS (from December 31, 2019): One of my favorite pieces of 2020 technically came out in 2019, but I posted it on New Years Eve so most people first saw it in 2020. It’s an absolute banger of an AMV called I’m Not Jesus that’s all about Catra and Adora’s anger towards Shadow Weaver and their refusal to forgive their abuser. Funny enough this came out before Adora’s iconic “I will never forgive you” line, and Shadow Weaver definitely made things more complicated with how she went out, but I think the sentiment still applies.

[gingit-cake]

Therapeutic Gallavich

I’ve been wanting to write a tribute post to the Gallavich universe as a free source of therapy during the pandemic. I’m somewhat tongue in cheek here, but in a country (USA) where we have too little mental health support and too much stigma about mental health, diving into the Gallavich fandom and binging Shameless over the past 6m has been a really comforting coping mechanism for me. There is so much grief and loss in the world, so many ways our government and - for many people - our peers have failed us, that the fictional world of Ian and Mickey has been a wonderful source of comfort, in a lot of ways. It’s a retreat from the IRL shitshow. It’s got endless permutations of happy endings, to give us that serotonin boost and vicarious thrill. And given Mickey and Ian’s respective struggles - homophobic and sexual abuse, mental illness, neglect, parental death, incarceration, etc. - there are also countless fanfics that include therapy, recovery, and informal paths towards healing from past trauma. I’ve never related to a show so personally as I have Shameless, and binging it during the pandemic - when social isolation leaves way too much time for rumination, compounded by being at midlife and the reflection that triggers - it basically ripped open my heart and dredged up long buried stuff I’m finally willing to address. My husband and I watched the S7 finale on New Year’s Day, and let’s just say 2021 has been an emotional retcon of my life since. (I’m learning all the creative, literary terms.)  (And don’t worry, strangers on the internet, I am fortunate to have a therapist and the insurance to pay for it. I wish we all had this.)

There’s been a few fanfics I explicitly want to give a shoutout too as ones featuring therapy or recovery or conversations that have stayed with me in a meaningful way.  Excerpts, tributes, and links below the jump. Possible spoilers for Enemy Lines, Someone to Hold Me Up, Buy and By, and Etherized Against the Sky.

Enemy Lines, by J_Q and stars_fall_on - Ian has a therapist Dr. Lancaster, who introduces him to the concept of rumination:

“He felt a tightening in his chest. Did he even want to let go of Mickey? If not, what the hell was he still holding onto? A memory. A feeling. A belief that he’d made a real connection. But nothing substantial. Nothing real. // 'Ian, is there something hindering you from wanting to move on?" she asked then sat back, looking closely at him. “Are you familiar with the term rumination? // ... // Rumination, as opposed to worry, very often focuses on loss and an overpowering need to understand why something happened.' She continued to watch him closely as she spoke. 'While emotional processing starts out this way, healthy processing leads to acceptance and a release of negative emotions, but rumination keeps you stuck in a pattern.’”

THIS is my brain in a nutshell. As I wrote in a comment on one of the chapters to this amazing slow burn, enemies-to-lovers fic, I’ve got relationships from 20y+ ago that I still brood over. I’m working on letting go and the Gallavich universe has been a creative inspiration for doing some of that work. 

Someone to Hold Me Up, by @westernredcedar - Mickey has a conversation with an OC about forgiveness, after reconnecting with Ian in this hurt/comfort fic:

“'You ever have to forgive your guy for something?' Mickey asks. // Mel laughs. 'Of course. Daily, actually. The man’s a damn slob.' // Mickey snorts, but then he runs his hand over his mouth and tries to actually get to the point. ‘What about something big?' // Mel looks like he’s considering the question thoughtfully, and Mickey realizes that somewhere in the midst of all this madness, he’s really gotten to like this guy. 'I have lots of thoughts about forgiveness, actually,” Mel says with an eyebrow raised. “So you may not want to get me started on that theme. But it’s more about my parents and my sister than about Jeffrey, if that matters. I guess for me it all boils down to this: would it cost me more to forgive or cost me more to stay angry? And my answer to that question is not the same for everyone.’”

This conversation about forgiveness has really stayed with me. One of the reasons I’ve realted so much to the character of Ian Gallagher is I had a hothead brunet of a boyfriend in high school during that same age range (15-17) who is probably the same height as Noel Fisher and caused no shortage of DRAMA in my life, and it didn’t end well. (We were definitely NOT soulmates.) I am serious when I say Shameless and Gallavich specifically helped me let a lot of this 30y old angst go. This exchange b/w Mickey and Mel gets at it - it was costing ME a lot to hang on to this past. 

By and By, by @nowherenj - This one I’m not going to excerpt, because it was the whole story that moved me. Nowherennj draws on their experience in recovery, and this slow burn is both beautifully written and a primer on being in recovery. This was really helpful for me, as I have close friends and family who are in recovery, some with a dual diagnosis (drug use + mental health diagnosis), and this story’s generous attention to detail helped illustrate their experiences for me in a way that we don’t talk about on a regular basis. One of the reasons I identify so strongly with Shameless is because I come from a big sprawling Irish-American family with a lot of addiction and mental illness in it. This fic about Ian and Mickey in recovery makes explicit much of what I think my family hovers around because it can be so hard to talk about openly. I wept reading this one when the author brought in The Avett Brothers’ No Hard Feelings - how I want to live my life.   

Etherized against the Sky, by Snarfle - This one is less about my own therapeutic journey and more about what I hope I can be for young adults that I work with now. It has a character in it named Mr. Strickland, who is a very important father figure for Mickey. I was a professor for a decade, and still mentor young adults in my current job. I think one of the unsung roles that I experienced in academia is too be a mentor for young people. Some instructors are just about curriculum and grading, but when you cross paths with young adults at the beginning of this stage of life, figuring their sh*t out, the ability to be a kind and safe source of input and an active, non-judgemental listener is honestly the most fulfilling aspect of working with students and young professionals, in my view. Maybe it’s because the years 15-25 were such chaos for me, but I love working with people this age (and probably why I hang around on Tumblr despite my near eligibility for AARP lol). You’ve got your whole life in front of you! So many possibilities! Full of hot boyfriends and tomato plants and rescue dogs and heated pools. :) 

There are surely more, I’ve realized that “hurt/comfort” is a great tag for these kinds of stories. But this post is already too long. Thanks to all of you in the fandom who have created art and narrative that have kept me coming back for more, and not feeling so alone in the pandemic. We are a mighty little community!

[jay-locket]

ok so i’ve got some words on the ranboo stream today cause some stuff just really isn’t adding up to me

1. i though skeppy still had the cat disc ?? my sister told me something about him accidentally revealing that on stream a little bit ago, though things could have changed since then

i remember bc dream at the confrontation at the portal w/ tommy he said it was in his ender chest and not on him but that he had it (which also doesn’t make sense bc why wouldn’t he have an ender chest on him if he knew he could use it in his confrontation w/tommy)

unless he’s somehow got it at some other point somehow but that’d be a lil scuffed (and i know canonically none of the characters would know that skeppy might still have it bc character skeppy has no reason to reveal this info without being explicitly asked + what did dream give them to get it back ?? idk)

and the timeline of when voice dream said ranboo got it i don’t think c!dream would have have it at that point (if this is true and skeppy still has/had it or i misunderstood when he said ranboo got it) and the other disc wasn’t given to him until the festival stuff by tubbo

2. why on earth would dream give ranboo the disc ? that man is so controlling and he would know the safest place to keep this item that has caused so much conflict would be on his person (or in his ender chest)

c!dream wouldn’t give ranboo the disc to hide (somewhere he doesn’t know of) and have ranboo hide it in the most easily discoverable place imaginable. the first place i would go if i suspected he had it would be his house, and tear the place apart. the chest was so close to where ranboo is residing and it makes no sense for it to be in such an easily discoverable place and in a normal fucking chest like ?? why would dream take that chance it doesn’t make sense

3. dream doesn’t have any reason to trust ranboo. up until this point ranboo has shown no loyalty to anything dream related - his true self has never been loyal to him. dream wouldn’t risk ranboo remembering these memories unless he was absolutely sure ranboo couldn’t remember, bc ranboo would choose literally anybody but dream to side with. (unless there’s this secret plot going on off stream that this alt ranboo is dreams ultimate ally which i doubt, but is a possibility)

also side point - i see a lot of theories that ranboo is part dreamon (which i have no clue if it’s canon or not pls lmk if it is) and i don’t think is true. i think this manifestation of ranboo’s dream voice is literally mental illness (idk what in specific, i’d guess anxiety or something) it’s a voice that’s, not really him or who he wants to be, convincing him he’s a bad person and that he’s done all these bad things. the dream voice jumps to backless assumptions with the little information it has, and automatically goes to the worst possible scenario. it’s making things up based on the slight leaning of bad possibilities. which is anxiety in a nutshell lmao

though i guess this is also just random so take it with a grain of salt :)

if you have any other good points or counter arguments that i may have missed pls lmk bc i’m just as confused with this plot as everybody else lol

[macklives]

hi. so..... its been a while huh? feels kinda weird making a message on here, after what??? a month of not posting at fucking all??

and idk how to say that im sorry for taking so long, especially with kallie kinda sticking with me pretty much the whole time i was away. so we both kinda went AFK on everybody. and by god, this has also been the longest gap between updates. so yeah... i feel you all are owed an explanation. 

id like to give a short summary of what went down in my life recently. not so much as an excuse for my disappearance, but bearing in mind, i can't just come back suddenly without a notice as to why it took so long, and then start discussing homestuck theories as if nothing happened, that would be ...weird and off putting. im known as one to talk a lot in a post, so i think its expected. buckle up kiddos, this may be a long one, which you dont have to necessarily read, but im simply putting it out there for you all in case any of you may have been worried or confused. 

ALSO, keep in mind im alright with sharing this information because i needed some time to get over it in order to accept it, and being able to say this stuff means im pretty much ready to move on and go back to what it was like before (which for someone who has trouble focussing, can get quite fucking hard). so here's the last few months in a nutshell:

i got my wisdom teeth pulled so i was both in pain and numb for a week and a half after being drugged up with, idk, the IV they use to knock you tf out and that needle to numb your teeth?? and having those bad boys outta my mouth so that was a fun time. fuck that shit.

uhhh on the more upsetting side of things, a friend of mine recently passed away, but i took some time to recover from that. i didnt want to bum everybody out by liveblogging while in that state, nor did i feel like it was right to make jokes at that time (for obvious reasons) so i took some time off. and while i do still care for that person, after a while you have to come to terms that your life can't evolve around grief, and you have to move on eventually. its been a month and im doing way better than i was in the first week. so you dont have to worry really.. i even heard about the messages friends wrote on discord and let me tell you that i appreciate every response, i love all of them, i love all of you guys, but if any of you worry about me as of today, just know im doing perfectly fine and thats behind me now. so yeah, thats the worst of the news..

on less distressing matters, i changed up my job! i used to be a waitress at a restaurant to get that not so mucho money cash flowing, and now i got a full time placement as an intern (sort of full-time. full-time with student conditions). which in hindsight, to some may not sound like its any helpful, but considering im in my final year of college and i have to explore new places to get experience, id rather go where its needed so i reach that specific goal in mind. and you have to start somewhere, so this is where ill start heading. though i do still have to graduate which will take a lot of stress out of me eventually but it hasnt yet caught up lol... yikes to when that fuse blows in the future. 

and finally, the most frustrating part of the month, idk who it was specifically, the company or the landlord, but eh details arent that important, anyways, the landlord and/or its agency messed up with our rental situation and lost a lot of our info so i had to spend a lot of time trying to get that back while also filling out tax returns bc those were finally put out. so yeah, we kinda just have to wait for a notice, though i personally think everything will be fine. we’re considering moving out eventually, but thats probably gonna have to wait a bit longer. while we’re still angry, the landlord respected that it was out of line and apologised while making it up to us, so that was fair enough.

so YEAH, you can pretty much say its been one hell of a fucking month, and i had barely any time to liveblog let alone be in contact with friends that i kinda missed so fucking much????... i basically didnt want to bring anybody down with me (emotionally or mentally), so i decided to at least give you all a warning that i wouldnt be on for a while, hence the last update a few weeks prior, and to take a break for myself to figure out my situation, to rest, and to try and get healthier despite that wisdom fuck week, which nobody warned me wisdom teeth removals were ABSOLUTE HELL

but... im glad to be back, im not sure ill get back into the rhythm of how things used to be, meaning, posting almost every day....that would have to wait a bit unfortunately. however, i think it would be best if i made a sort of schedule for myself. maybe a liveblog twice a week, starting the next. it would help out a lot. i hope to start off with that at least, and not push myself too hard for hours anymore nor the stress of needing to post daily. i loved it, dont get me wrong, but sometimes it took a lot out of me since i know it takes a lot of my time. that being said, i will be on discord, maybe tomorrow? and probably be more active on there from now on, since everything is sorta cleared in my life and there's no more hectic commotion 24/7. the only thing at this rate stopping me from being active is having family over in the next couple weeks. but otherwise, yeah, its good to be back and im again sorry for my absence once more.

yours, 

mackenzie <33

[evilblot]

Henlo yes I'me bacc from the not-living

Hey everyone, welcome back to the shit show, today I’m gonna give y’all a brief account of what I did during my disappearance but feel free to ignore it if you don’t wanna dwell into my life since I’m gonna make a quick summary before the cut.

TL;DR: I’m gonna quote good ole Schopenhauer here and just say that life really just is a pendulum swinging backward and forward between burnouts and boredom mental illness. BUt now I’m here so let’s just pretend everything is fine and nothing has never happened, so we can all resume our good ole routine :)

Also if you ever tagged me during these trying times, rest assured I’m gonna check it out and eventually reply to each and every single one of yous, and same goes for DMs. If I still don’t reply just tell me, change are tumblr ate it or I’m just preparing something special eheheh. And again, sorry for everything I didn’t mean to make y’all worry but sometimes it just be like dat…

⚠ I had to do the internship again exactly as I had expected.

So, without digging up the quarrel between me and my company tutor because it still boils my blood to think about it, basically my complaint for the treatment received caused me the entire internship, ergo I had to once again work my ass off to find another place to spend another two months of my life on.

Luckily, I eventually found a place where not only did I do what I like but where I found fantastic people who made my new experience wonderful, but what I had to undergo in the previous days was sincerely traumatic and I don’t wish no one ever to be in such a situation.

⚠ For reasons that go beyond the mere academic profile but which I don’t intend to deepen because I don’t feel like it, my mental health is hanging on a thread that is 👌 this much close from breaking.

In a nutshell, between the aggravation of my depression, the degeneration of my anhedonia, the immovable mental block and the appearance of panic attacks as never in life, I legit got the worst burnout I could ever brew in this wretched body of mine.

And to add salt to the wound, I’ve also fallen waaay behind my exam schedule so my plan to graduate in June went to shit. For now at least, since lately I still managed to work and submit a couple projects so the damage is still bad but not irreversible.

⚠ Also I haven’t been drawing since October and I’m dying inside because I can’t even find the strength to do the things I like :)

And it’s not like I have no ideas, for heaven’s sake. In fact I have too many, the problem is that I can’t put them into practice even if my life depended on it.

And it’s the same for everything else.

I know I have to or want to do something, but I just can’t. And it’s frustrating and it hurts and I spend the nights in bed gnawing at my liver knowing that I’m throwing away time but I can’t help it. I’m stuck in limbo and I don’t see the exit.

⚠ Reason why I forced myself to go to therapy.

I started the sessions the second week of January and am continuing them regularly every Thursday.

My therapist is an exquisite person who is genuinely concerned about my situation and is trying to help me as much as possible despite the fact that at each meeting I manage to further disturb her by adding more and more problematic pieces of my person lol

I ain’t saying that we’re making progress, since it’s too early to see any of it, but it’s certainly a beginning and if everything goes in the right direction, eventually I’ll be able to start again and perhaps, someday, even heal… But for now this is enough for me.

Also because if I continued on my own I doubt I could go on like this for much longer :)

⚠ I have a dog and it’s the only good new in this shit list

His name’s Kratos, he’s a 3 y/o Amstaff I adopted from the dog shelter and I’ve only had him for three months now but if anything happened to him I’d kill everyone in this room and then myself.

⚠ Also I got new glasses and they’re fabulous.

I felt the need for change in my life and therefore the smartest thing that came to my mind was to change my iconic glasses. Old black rectangular is out and gold octagonal is in. Now I’m the same as the reference of my self-insert for Pippo Reporter and the hilarious thing is that I didn’t realize it until it caught my eye while I was searching for another file in my Drive lol

○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦ ○◦━◦○◦ ○◦━◦○◦○

Aaaand that’s it, now I’m better and I’m slowly getting back to being a functional adult, so just forgive my ramblings but y’all’d be used to it by now lmao

[ansonmount]

It's 6am in New Zealand (I slept through New Years lmao), so Happy New Years everyone.

I'm not the first person or last person to say 2019 sucked, but boy, did it suck. I have reflections I want to share.

If you only met/followed me recently, I spent last year dealing with the New Zealand medical system and stuck in waitlists for surgery as my gallbladder (I started getting attacks back 2018 😠) is quite fucked. I've also got Myalgic Encephalomyelitis - otherwise known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, so to say I've been pretty unwell is an UNDERSTATEMENT.

2009 was also the year I caught Glandular fever which became post viral fatigue syndrome and then Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, so this is also painfully the Ten Year Anniversary of my illness. My life really has been nothing like I planned or wanted, and in the last 5 or so years, I've put in a lot of work into my health, both mental and physical.

With this all in mind, I just want to thank everyone for the ongoing love and support I have received from so many people who are so dear to me. From just reblogging my content and memes to being a Tumblr friend to being in mutual discords and actively screeching about stuff to each other, I just feel so blessed to have such a lovely community around me. Don't even get me started on my Twitter friends lol (I love the salt).

Fandom/fandom spaces really helped me have a space to enjoy myself (with the occasional salt - hey its good for people with dysautonomic dysfunction ���) and forget about how shitty my health has been.

And I'm just so grateful for everyone in my life, even if it's the tiniest little thing or interaction.

When you live with chronic illness/disability to the extent of being mostly housebound like myself, online friendships and communities are so important. So I treasure you all so dearly.

I can be flaky or inconsistent, but people have understood me and what I live with, and I'm so grateful for everyone for their support in understanding my illness.

I also really value the gif making community as learning to gif has been a real source of creativity for me that doesn't involve my body in a way that will cause post exertional malaise and while I've been giffing for a while, I'm still learning from others and I love it. There's still things I can improve but that's the creative arts in a nutshell, there's always some new trick to learn.

So with 2019 done, and the shit show the 2010s has been, I can't say I'm looking forward to the 2020s, but with new medical advancements coming for the treatment and diagnosis of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, maybe by the end of the next decade I will be at my best ever (I hope). And it feels Iike such an UNDERSTATEMENT when I say, y'all have kept me mostly sane when I've been absolutely incapable of being a person. I've had times where I've been an absolute asshole to the people around me (mostly because of untreated bpd), so the 2010s really had me going in as a different person to the person I've become today.

I hope that this year and decade will be better for us all than the last one has been.

- your local trash cat,

❤️ Poss

[destructioncycles-blog]

What is a "destruction cycle"? And why I wrote the book.

First of all, what’s a destruction cycle?

If you feel like you have taken the last hit you can take from life, and then WHAM smoked with another punch – you are in a destruction cycle, my friend. Yes, a destruction cycle. They happen to us when we reach a critical time for change, and in order to “rough us in” for all of the spectacular newness – we must be completely demo’d first. All of the old shit that doesn’t belong to who-we-are-supposed-to-become will get sledgehammered to the ground. And as you may have already noticed, it sucks while it’s happening. It HURTS. And at times during a destruction cycle we feel utterly D.E.S.T.R.O.Y.E.D. We get pushed to our pain limits – and then pushed more.

The more it hurts, the bigger the change… AND the more potential for reconstruction.

As much as it seems like during a destruction cycle, life is squashing us, really life is biggering us. And if we can push through the harsh, chaotic wisdom and grow from all of the pain, we can become this expansive, gianormis, more evolved version of ourselves after the cycle. Which is the really cool part that doesn’t always seem obvious when we’re smack-dab in the middle of it.

This book that I am launching soon (…still waiting on the printing company!?) is all about this process. It is a guide to help you through a destruction cycle, adjust your perspective while in it, leverage all of the hidden value in it, and use this seemingly less-than-optimal time in your life to optimize yourself. The journey through the pages is really a journey to turn destruction into wildly awesome self-reconstruction.

Why I wrote the book.

Destruction Cycle was inspired early in 2019, when I personally hit a hard-core destruction cycle myself. I was struck with an unusual, nutritionally-induced, delayed post-partum depression of some sort that is still quite a mystery to me, however, I secretly believe it was a gift to conceive this book… Anyhow, I became suddenly, and brutally familiar with mental illness and experienced my first real glimpse of inner agony. God. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life. Hands down. And the only way I could productively comprehend what was happening to me, was to call it a destruction cycle and figure out what the hell that meant, how the heck to get through it and most importantly, HOW TO GET OUTTA IT.

So I began to use my many years of meditation, my “expertise” in metaphysical psych, and ego-less experience to navigate through it and organically find a way to transcend the destruction. And I feel like I did very well, excitingly well actually. Within two-to-three months of studying myself and testing many different inner-methods to “crack the code” on the dark cycle, I was able to bring myself full circle and into full-fledge reconstruction. Positive energy started filtering back in, and by summer 2019 I was back to my normal, happy, sane self again.

In a nutshell, I did this by breaking the cycle down into four parts, four seasons – that I now call the Four Phases of a destruction cycle… The Trust Phase, The Protection Phase, The Discovery Phase, and The Action Phase. Each phase is very different and requires a contrasting approach. Each phase can help you heal in a special way. And if harnessed well, each phase can become a unique growth spurt. And by deliberately moving through the four phases, you can get a handle on the destruction cycle and speed up the entire process. You can turn it around and use the power of it to empower yourself.

…I still feel emotion when I think about how dark that time was for me, but in the same breath, it also blows my mind to have experienced for myself how resilient we humans are. It’s fucking incredible. In less than a year we can energetically bounce from -35 degrees to +35 degrees. Just like Winnipeg! It’s so extreme that unless you’ve lived through it, you wouldn’t believe it’s possible. Which is why I am passionately releasing this book that is so dear to my heart and soul. My ego is terrified lol, because although this book is for the most part about you, the reader, I do share the full depth of my destruction cycle story in it and most people had no clue that I went through this. So 2020 is my humble year of emotional nudity, putting it out there for all to see. And this is very liberating in a way. Because destruction cycles happen to everyone. They are all around us and our lives are built around them. I strongly believe that as we share our stories and our pain and our truth and our solutions, together we can get a leg-up on destruction in life and collectively convert weakness into strength.

Thanks for reading this and being curious about the book! I truly appreciate it. Please share this with anyone that you know that’s going through a destruction cycle. And follow ‘destructioncycles’ on Instagram! The book is now up on Amazon and Kindle to purchase, click here if your copy!  https://www.amazon.ca/Destruction-Cycle-Leverage-self-destruction-optimize-ebook/dp/B0842C98PY/

Copies are also available at McNally's on Grant in Winnipeg, MB, Canada if you prefer to shop locally;)

Karen Litinsky

[janiedean]

Why do you think the SW fandom is so knee-deep in SJ Calvinism? Because I understand wanting representation or being upset because a movie didn’t fulfill your expectations, but the “if you don’t ship X you’re racist” “if you don’t stan Y you’re bigoted” and the harassment over a disappointing movie is surprising just because of how pervasive it is. I was trying to find some St*rmpilot blogs to follow and the amount of hate is Yikes, especially the hate for Rose and the stans of a Certain Ship

eeeeeeh I think it’s because ep. 7 came out at the height of the... well, reaping the seeds the social justice calvinism had sown since 2014 so to speak? I mean, SW is hardly the one fandom where it happened (*cough* voltron and SU *cough*) but as SW is way broader in audience than those other shows that certainly didn’t help, but like, if you think on it, since 2013-ish (but I think before as well, I mean, I’ve been here since 2011 and already when I got here I felt like something was going very wrong when it came to politics-in-fandom-attitude), basically people on tumblr have progressively, when it came to fandoms:

pushed the idea that you have to over-analyze everything you consume through political lens;

pushed the idea that what you like and how you like it also has to be pushed through political lens and what you like says things about who you are as a person or your political leanings;

pushed the idea that if you care for something *problematic* just because you like it you’re excusing it;

pushed the idea that if you were problematic once you can’t ever not be problematic, you can’t change your mind and you can’t learn also because ‘it’s not my job to educate you’ so people either learn themselves or idek what but again, calvinism.

now obviously those politics are tumblr-politics which are also US centric like woah and are also high-school petty like woah, and since more or less then people have:

continuously other-ed lgbt people from *straight*/heterosexual people pushing a narrative where straight = bad and therefore putting it before anything automatically makes it a valid insult which added to the above means that if you ship het you’re already problematic regardless of whether you’re straight or not (and if you are.. lol);

pushed the performative feminism of Doom TM that says men and women should be equal but is like, an excuse to shit on men and on women who like men (see the rampant biphobia around and the whole ‘straight girls are so stupid if they’re into men they should try women’ discourse);

pushed the US terminology when it comes to the POC discourse, in the sense that everything works on the US-centered context where white people = white anglosaxon protestant, poc = everything else without realizing that in the rest of the world white does not equal wasp, that poc = black people only in most of europe (and no one who’s actually black or not white who lives in africa or asia and so on would describe themselves as poc because why the hell would you when your skin color/ethinicity is the norm where you live?), which also goes with the whole white passing debate which where I live would not exist but in that context is a mess because again, oscar i*saac is schroedinger’s poc (as in, he’s poc automatically for american standards because he’s latin-american but like he has the same skin tone as my mother and my mother in italy is white same as 90% of us, which means endless confusion) and assumed that all of us have to accept that terminology/context regardless of whether it’s valid in our countries;

kept on progressively putting minorities against each other in an endless loop of WHO HAS IT WORST/oppression olympics;

kept on progressively split hairs on issues that aren’t exactly, like, that important if there’s more urgent stuff to deal with because 90% of the activism here is performative;

made the 180° turn for which headcanons and shit are seen as, like, doing representation instead of, you know, supporting what rep is there never mind when people decide *one* ship is the right one and if another is canonized and it’s rep it gets thoroughly ignored;

pushed on a mindset for which if something isn’t perfect at the get-go then it’s canceled.

and so on.

like, all of that shit has been continuously not criticized because criticizing it especially if you don’t belong to a minority means that you’re out of line/discussing things that don’t concern you, but if you’re a minority and you criticize it then it’s suddenly YOU BETRAYED OUR CAUSE *INSERT SLUR HERE ABOUT PANDERING TO THE MAJORITY*, and the result exploded in toxic af fandoms, but like... if you look at the issues of the SW sequel trilogy fandom it’s all of that in a nutshell because:

k/ylo ren is automatically the worst because he’s white (horrible), a man (even worse), not canonically attractive (I didn’t touch on that topic bc I’m honestly not up for it mentally but lmao that counts too) and presumably heterosexual (or well, no one said he’s not but you know, since he’s a white dude on the bad side [supposedly] then we don’t give him the benefit of the doubt that he might be bi), so if you like ky/lo ren or relate to him you’re automatically problematic;

shipping re/ylo because automatically problematic because it’s a *straight* (evil) ship made of two white people (when there’s options to ship them both with people that aren’t white, so IT’S RACIST), they have an age gap (BAD BECAUSE POWER IMBALANCE) and it’s enemies to lovers, so it’s a context where people who don’t conceive redemption or that people can become better are basically crying problematic all the time, and the fact that people decided it’s *abusive* when it has like nothing that can equate it to a really abusive relationship says all;

ky/lux being the most popular slash ship immediately means that it’s the fault of the horrible straight (white) women fetishizing the (white) men on the dark side (when it’s most likely because for a while ky/lux was literally the only side of that fandom where people were chill/there wasn’t wank every other moment);

st/ormpilot has been declared The Right Ship because it’s two non-white men and it’s not straight which automatically turns into what I said before about hating other ships that would be rep anyway and feeds into the lowkey oppression olympics racism, because like if finn/rose becomes canon it’s still a mixed/biracial ship because he’s black and she’s asian....... except that it’s not the right ship for people who decided that finn has to be either with rey or poe (and guess what rey is white and poe is... schroedinger’s poc because oscar isaac in europe wouldn’t pass for *poc*), which to me has stank of lowkey racism since tlj came out because sorry but if ‘finn deserves better than rose’ or ‘finn should be with rey because if he doesn’t get rey then it’s unfair’ and the various other bullshit I read on the topic basically says that the white woman is *worthier* than the asian woman or that rose is a downgrade from rey which is fucking bullshit, rose isn’t even a bad character all the contrary. and that’s for the het side of it, but like then it’s not as good as stormpilot because it’s a straight ship (NOOOO THEY MADE FINN STRAIGHT/THEY’RE NOT MAKING THEM GAY THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT = stuff I legit saw on the tag) and ngl I’m 100% sure that the fact that daisy is Standard Attractive and kelly marie t/ran is lovely but doesn't conform to the usual beauty standard western-viewers apply on asian women did play a role in there, but: what did I say before? the slash ship is automatically better than the het ship never mind that they’re both biracial and rose is actually a rep (asian girls who don’t adhere to stereotypical body shapes - and like, the rep for all body types and shapes should be valid for all women, not just white) that isn’t exactly popular especially in mainstream cinema, so people should be happy.... but since rose is Not A Dude and Not Rey and Not The Right Kind Of Representation For That Crowd, automatically rose is a shit character and deserves to be viciously hated on. and this is a thing done by people who most likely then turn on the other side and talk shit about horrible straight women who hate the only female character for getting in the way of their slash ship without realizing that their rose hate is exactly that. and of course since sto/rmpilot is the two good guys, if you ship that then you also have to hate re/ylo because how can you, a person who ships The Good Ship On The Light Side, support such a problematic enemies to lovers thing? yeah, right, hahaha.

this also tbqh also pairs up with how on tumblr people only recognize mental health issues/abuse victims when the narrative suits them - like, being a bad victim automatically means you lose sympathy and mental health issues are only valid if you aren’t ***privileged*** otherwise why would you have them, which shows transparently in how a lot of people absolutely deny that ky/lo ren is a) an abuse victim, b) obviously mentally ill however it is that he deals with it, but no, he has to be The Most Horrible In Existence Because Otherwise We Should Have Empathy For A Bad Guy Who Also Might Get Redeemed And Redemption Is Not Happening Ever Because Bad People Don’t Deserve it.

like, all of the issues sw sequel trilogy has when it comes to the fandom are direct consequences of the nonsensical social justice calvinism climate on tumblr dot com that no one took care to put a stop to since 2013 and of its ridiculous oppression olympics and pitting people against each other and that was my take. cheers.

(ps: I also ship sto/rmpilot like woah and it’s my otp but there’s a reason why I unfollowed most SP blogs I followed and why I don’t go into the tag anymore - I’m not here for the anti-rose racism dressed up as performative wokeness, I’m not here to get lectured about as a white person I fetishize poc gay men if I ship it - yes I read that too - and I’m not here to read a bunch of meta about how re/ylo is a bad ship and blah blah blah, so yeah. I feel you.) (pps: ky/lo ren isn’t even my favorite character and I care relatively but gdi the way the fandom approaches him is honestly mindboggling in that sense, and I don’t mean people who actually dislike him because fair reasons, I mean people who can’t recognize his abuse victim status and the precarious status of his mental health. like, not all abuse victims and mentally ill people are the right victim or come from the right background and you can be cool motive still murder and still recognize that he’s like that because he has issues, not because he was drawn that way. /bye)

[satyrcon]

ok time to do a great big masterpost of all the things going in my life. my archive is broken atm so like...idk if this will even be seen, by myself in the future.

so its official that my brother is getting married. he set the date for july 2020. shits fucking wild. like not only is it going to be 2020 next year but like my grownt ass brother is finally going to be out of the house. we love that? lol. anyways, he told me and my sister to expect his fiancee to ask us to be part of the bridal party which i am kinda excited for? idk. me and my brother have never been close and his fiancee is really nice but also not very close with my sister or myself so i was not expecting to be even thought about. its nice to know that i wont feel like a complete wallflower at the event, as selfish as it may sound. 

i’m also set on starting my final semester at university in about 2 weeks. i was initially supposed to graduate this upcoming september and i was ready to go until i found out i was short a credit. at the time of finding out it devastated me but now i see it as a blessing. as much as i dont like being a student and find the whole experience dreadul the 5th time around, its kind of nice that my own adulthood has been postponed for at least 3 months. the semester will fly by and ill be finished by february. i havent given much thought of what exactly will happen after but i have a loose plan. i am going to go back to working full time, perhaps take a small vacation with my boyfriend, and scrimp and save for the rest of the summer and return to complete a certificate in human resources in the fall. i dont feel ready to jump into the job market with my degree, which is sad, considering the amount of money and time i’ve spent on it. but its whatever i guess. its honestly kind of depressing how having a bachelors degree holds no more merit, its just some sort of strage, ritualistic rite of passage every young person has to go through to get to the next stage of life. its quite literally a 4 year sojourn into existentialism, addiction, and mental illness with a few fun parties patched inbetween the breakdowns. when i started university i had some hopes to be an artist, and now im a churned out loser, looking to a business degree. i feel like such a wimp when i tell people my plans, and even i am not sure of the course i am taking. but whatever. i will never know unless i try it out for myself. 

work has been a weird mix of a blessing and a curse. while almost every summer [albiet the last one] i have been grossly overworked, this is the first summer where i have achieved a really good balance of work and play. which is good for the mental health and relaxation aspect but kinda sucks when it comes to money. i work so close to home that some days, i leave my house 30 minutes before my shift starts as opposed to leaving 1h 45m before my shift begins at my old job. also, because im so close to work, i usually catch a ride from my dad or my brother, which has saved me quite a bit of busfare. the people i work with, the working conditions, and the job itself is also probably the nicest ive ever had it. my managers arent complete assholes, my coworkers mind their own business as do i, and even though the customers suck sometimes its not something that eats away at my soul like it has in the past. today i work a measley 4 hour shift but aside from the annoyance of getting there, its not that bad at all. i can see myself actually staying at this job for the next little while, unlike other places where i cant fathom to stay another day. 

this summer, in a nutshell, has been a very peaceful one. i haven’t been as lonely as i have been in the past, although ive had dreadful periods of torment they did not define or ruin the good moments, and i have allowed myself to enjoy a variety of new experiences while also keeping my peace of mind a priority. 

my boyfriend bought me a bike a few weeks ago and i have been making the effort of going on a ride almost every day. although the rides arent very long, and remain around the streets beside my house they have brought a new feeling and sense of enjoyment to my days. the past few weeks have not been very muggy either so its been nice to just allow myself to leave the stiff, airconditioned walls of my house and ride in the warm fresh air, and explore. i work up a sweat, but dont make the ride about exercising per se, which has been good for my fixative mind. im not riding my bike to burn calories, im riding my bike to enjoy the fresh air, to take my mind off of things, to challenge myself to make it up a hill, to sit on a park bench at dusk and watch the sunset. the gift of the bicycle may have been the greatest gift i have ever recieved. riding my bike has reminded me of the small joy of being able to leave the house, and feel a brisk wind tickle your ears, the sun shine lazily on your temples, to feel sweat bead on your back. it takes me back to when i was a kid, riding my bike for hours on end around the block with my friends, never daring to leave but always trying to move as fast as possible. it has also made me lament the period in which i forced myself not to ride anymore, in fear of being looked at, or in fear of sweating.

[nonmillennialstruggling]

Opposites

I spend so much time obsessing about how I’m not dissociative.  I wonder what would happen if I tried instead to think about how I am dissociative when I get into one of those states.  Probably I couldn’t do it!  Since I’m backed off a bit from obsessing about how I’m not dissociative I think I have enough space to try this exercise. 

OK so I definitely have different modes that I go into.  There’s OCD Kevin, Depressed Kevin, Skeptical Kevin, and Angry Kevin for sure.  There are others but I’m not as familiar with them.  Anyhow when I shift into these different modes my outlook shifts, sometimes quite drastically.  I’ll be going about my day as usual and then I hear or see something with a theme of injustice and Angry Kevin comes out.  He swears and curses and wants blood.  Then I go back to being ‘normal’ just as quickly as it came on.  I thought other people experience this but apparently the people who do experience it may be dissociative and most non-dissociative people don’t experience such drastic shifts, or so I am told.  I still think it could be that I have ADHD and that these are mood shifts associated with ADHD but I’m told that ADHD does not itself lead to murderous rage.  

Then there is Depressed Kevin.  About a month ago Depressed Kevin emailed our health insurance company after we were only authorized one week of treatment and the cops showed up at the house the next day to do a wellness check.  They were asking about su*cid*lity and really emphasized that they were crisis trained and I could talk to them.  Maybe it’s because I didn’t think Aetna would be reading emails on a Saturday, but I thought it was either my therapist or my school that called the cops and I was a confused by it.  Fortunately nothing bad happened, but it was like the email was out of sight out of mind.  I put it together afterwards that Aetna probably called, but not that day.  

Hmm, Skeptical Kevin has a hard time accepting the diagnosis.  Skeptical Kevin may be OCD Kevin or he may work with OCD Kevin.  I have to try to pay more attention to figure it out.  I know that there is an obsession with not having OSDD or OCD, and a questioning about anything else it could be that cause my symptoms.  OCD Kevin obsesses about our mental health.  Skeptical Kevin and OCD Kevin feel different to me though.  Skeptical Kevin just has his worldview but isn’t obsessive like OCD Kevin is.  OCD Kevin researchers everything he can about OSDD and OCD and goes to the same webpages hoping to find information.  He wants something to explain our lived reality but that’s not something we get from going to the same webpages, feeling overwhelmed, and then skimming the page.  I will obsess about not having OCD or OSDD but I’ll also obsess about how mental ill I am when I’m in OCD Kevin mode.  These feel like the same part to me.  Outside of OCD Kevin I am obsessive but not to the same degree.  Again I’m not sure if OCD Kevin is dissociative or not, or is just ‘me’ when my OCD symptoms peak.  The danger of OSDD with less defined parts is that distinguishing between ‘parts’ and manifestations of other disorders is tricky.  If I had a bipolar diagnosis I might think that my mania and my depression were different parts.  If it was true bipolar disorder it probably would have longer cycles than my ‘switches’ so maybe I would be able to separate out parts from disorder.  OCD Kevin is also obsessed with curing/hurting us.  Depressed Kevin (may be Depressed Kevin, Self-hating Kevin, and S*icid*l Kevin) is behind this because he wants to be on a lot of high dose heavy duty psych meds so we don’t feel anything.  He doesn’t like being us or being depressed and is desperate to get better or not feel any pain so OCD Kevin is also desperate to find some way out of being so mentally ill.  Since Depressed Kevin wants to not be me/us he wants to be over-medicated and wants to do ect to be checked out from my/our life.  He tries to set up medical appointments every once in awhile to ask for more intensive interventions that aren’t warranted for the system as a whole.  So far when parts have made appointments though it’s just ‘me’ who shows up for the appointments rather than them.

Um so yeah I guess that’s the system in a nutshell.  Or at least those are the main players right now.  Ugh I have to look back at this when I’m not feeling obsessive and see if reading this makes me sound like I’m plural.  I haven’t heard other people refer to their parts as (adjective) (their name) before so maybe this post will read like I have less defined parts.  LOL who knows!           

You’ll notice I mostly referred to my parts using second person language despite making such a fuss about how I always identify as me.  Sigh.  I do always identify as me.  I’m not sure what the utility is of using second person language but I’m trying to understand how I am dissociaitive and as I’m writing this I’m not in any of these modes; my use of second person language does create some distance between me and the modes I’ve written about.  Again, I don’t know if it s good or bad for someone with less defined parts to do this.  I do just know that understanding how I am dissociative may be more productive than arguing that I’m not because clearly I’m still a train wreck and denial has not helped me with that.        

[ani-not]

Vampire Knight, or AKA how to piss off half or most of your fanbase

Warning: Gore, LOTS OF Incest, weird subtext, Suicide mentions, Stupidity, Lots of terrible anime cliches, 

Rating: 2 /10

Episodes: 26 Episodes (2 seasons)

Dub or Sub: Does it really matter tho Vic Mignona as Zero really does make it at least somewhat bearable even if he’s a piece of shit.

Opening and Ending Themes: S1 Opening: 2/10. Bland.  S1 Ending: 6/10. The S1 ending definitely captures the tone of what the series is going for. S2 Opening: 4/10. Better than the S1 opening, closer to the aesthetic but still kinda eh. S2 Ending: 5/10. It’s alright. It fits into the context but it’s reaching. 

Pacing; SLOOOOOOOOOW. slow as fuck like I literally die because it’s so slow help me I can’t believe there’s 26 episodes of this I feel like I could watch like 100 episodes of Inuyasha in the spans of 1 episode of VK. 

Concept: Yuki goes to a school that’s got humans and vampires, which doesn’t make any sense because the thing about vampires is that they’re the same age forever why the fuck would they need to go to school america explain!! but she’s one of the only people who knows there’s vampires because she’s “the headmaster’s daughter” and has gotta protect the stupid humans and also a love triangle that ends stupidly. This is your basic bitch of vampire teen romance that was popular at the exact time teen vampires were popular and then ended extremely grossly. 

-----Spoilers Below You’ve been warned---------

First of all. 

Let’s introduce our main 3 characters. 

Yuki Cross Kuran: An amnesiac idiot. Classic dopey Helpless Damsel. She was trained how to fight against vampires and she does all these cool jumps and stuff but every single time she’s in trouble, she needs to get rescued. She looks EXACTLY like the Vampire Class President Kaname, but no one brings it up ever. I don’t hate her, but she does get annoying at points. Apparently, when she 5 years old, she was wandering around alone with no memories, was almost attacked by a vampire and then was rescued by TEENAGE Kaname, and she’s looked up to and liked him ever since. She does have that ‘I believe there can be good in anyone’ charisma that I’ve liked in other characters, but it’s done very poorly here. She wants to bond and become closer to Zero and knows that his family was murdered, but doesn’t understand that boundaries are a thing and need to be respected especially with someone who was traumatized like Zero. She’s actually a pure blood vampire and Kaname’s younger BLOOD RELATED sister who ‘was born to be Kaname’s wife.’ Her mother died in the process of sealing yuki’s powers and memories away to make her human for awhile. 

Zero Kiryu: THE ONLY RESPECTABLE CHARACTER. IN THIS HOUSE WE ONLY STAND WITH ZERO KIRYU, EVERYONE ELSE IN THE SHOW OR SERIES CAN FUCKING PERISH. HIS VAMPIRE SLAYING FAMILY WAS MURDERED BY A VAMPIRE. HATES VAMPIRES. WANTS THEM DEAD. VALID. VALID BOY. HE WAS TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE BY A PUREBLOOD VAMPIRE AND HE HAS TO DRINK BLOOD AND HE HATES IT. HAS A LOT OF MENTAL ILLNESS AND PTSD AND ANGER AND FEAR BECAUSE HIS FAMILY WAS MURDERED. BY A VAMPIRE. AND HE WILL END UP BECOMING A MINDLESS VAMPIRE. AND NOW HE’S FORCED TO PROTECT VAMPIRES. LITERALLY TRIES TO KILL HIMSELF OR WANTS TO DIE BEFORE THAT HAPPENS. HE HAS A VALID SOFT SPOT FOR YUKI BECAUSE THEY GREW UP TOGETHER AND SHE WAS HIS FIRST AND ONLY TRUE FRIEND AFTER HIS FAMILY WAS MURDERED. BY VAMPIRES. WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT THE HEADMASTER IS A FUCKING DICK. DOESN’T DESERVE TO BE IN THIS SHITTY ANIME. 

Kaname Kuran: A gross incestuous CREEP. HE NASTY. MANIPULATIVE CREEP. THIS IS BASICALLY ME EVERYTIME HE’S ONSCREEN.  HE’S A PUREBLOODED VAMPIRE????WHICH MEANS HE’S TOP OF THE CHARTs?? AND OP I GUESS??/ A MJAOR DOUCHEBAG- ALSO KNOWS THAT ZERO’S FAMILY WAS SLAUGHTERED BY A PUREBLOOD VAMPIRE AND KNOWS ZERO WILL BECOME A VAMPIRE AND STILL TAUNTS HIM ABOUT HOW HE’S BECOMING A BLOODTHIRSTY BEAST AND EVEN ALLOWS THE VAMPIRE THAT KILLED ZERO’S FAMILY TO COME WRECK HAVOC AT THE ACADEMY WHEN HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE KEEPING PEACE. CREEPS ON YUKI LITERALLY ALL THE TIME SINCE SHE WAS A KID. ALL THE OTHER VAMPS WOULD LITERALLY JUMP HIS BONES IF HE ASKED BUT DECIDES TO CREEP ON HIS SISTER INSTEAD. LITERALLY HAS BEEN THE ONE KEEPING HER IN THE DARK ABOUT HER PAST THE WHOLE TIME, 

The concept in greater detail: 

The Headmaster, Yuki’s adopted father, Kaen Cross, wants Vampires and Humans to get along. 

Apparently, in this world, Humans and Vampires are separate races, and vampires can make vampire babies, but they also can still turn humans into vampires, and the Vampire babies can still grow and mature??? And be teenagers, except Kaname but we’ll get to him in a minute. Anyway, so since his school has both humans and vampires, he enlists his own children, Yuki, and Zero, his other adopted child, WHO’S FAMILY WAS MURDERED BY VAMPIRES, to keep the humans separate from the vampires, because the humans are stupid and don’t know that the night class(Vampire Class) are in fact, vampires. And on top of that, both Zero and Yuki have to attend Day classes, and then patrol the nights to protect the humans, so they literally get no sleep whatsoever and wow, Child labor and Negligence. Let these kids sleep goddamn

Season 1 in a nutshell:

Okay, Season 1 basically sets up the story and characters and background in a really slow weird pace, like usually in the first episode of an anime you’d set up with short descriptions of the main characters and then later on delve into their aspects and motivations, they barely do that here and also you get the context of the plot in the first couple of episodes, this takes like half the season to fully unleash all the characters and background which makes it easily forgettable, like I just watched it and I’m still like- why is this a thing- oh- oh okay- uh huh- weird? not gonna explain until 10 episodes later? okay. 

Also I shit you not, once they finally get into Zero’s background and backstory more, the vampire that killed Zero’s family, turned him into a vampire and kidnapped his twin brother which I guess is now a thing??????? is back with his twin brother, who ‘always secretly hated’ Zero and always wanted him and their family dead’ and not only does the Headmaster get weird senses about her infiltrating the school as a student, but FUCKING Kaname knows RIGHT OFF THE BAT, WHO THE FUCK SHE IS, WHAT THE FUCK SHE DID, AND LETS HER FUCK AROUND WITH ZERO UNTIL KANAME KILLS HER, STEALS HER POWERS AND THEN PINS HER MURDER ON ZERO. THUS LEAVING ZERO AS A SCAPEGOAT FOR THE WEIRD TWILIGHT? VAMPIRE? ASSOCIATION? TO GET PISSED AT AND TRY TO KILL BECAUSE SHE WAS A ‘PURE VAMPIRE’  AND EVEN YUKI’S LIKE- ‘SAY HE DIDN’T DO IT KANAME’ AND KANAME GIVES HER THIS LOOK THAT’S LIKE ‘I KNOW HE DIDN’T CAUSE I DID BUT I’M NOT GONNA SAY IT BC I’M STILL CREEPING ON YOU’ 

AND ZERO’S THIS CLOSE TO LITERALLY LOSING HIS MIND AND KANAME REALIZING THAT ZERO’S THE ONE THAT’S BEEN PROTECTING ‘HIS PRECIOUS YUKI’ THIS WHOLE TIME, DECIDES TO FORCE HIM TO DRINK HIS OWN BLOOD TO KEEP HIM FROM BECOMING A COMPLETE MONSTER. 

Also let’s talk about Zero’s convenient, cliche and weird twin brother Ichiru.

Okay, for Ichiru, he’s kind of...all over the place. But I’ll try to condense it down. 

Remember how I said Vic Mignona being Zero’s voice actor helped make this show bearable? Well, they used Vic AGAIN for Ichiru, because??? he’s??/ his twin??? i guess??? Listen, Not every set of identical twins are going to have the same voice too??? and it’s really??? kind of like- kills what Vic has going for Zero. Take for instance, Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin from Ouran High School Host Club

There’s enough difference to tell them apart as people but same enough that they sound related instead of sounding like weird clones. 

Now listen to this clip from VK dubbed

It sounds like Zero is just talking to himself in the mirror. He does do Ichiru’s voice a little lighter and Zero’s heavier, but there’s barely any distinction and it’s just ugh. Using him as both Zero and Ichiru is just lazy.

So, Ichiru hated Zero and their family because he was born weak and easily to fall to illness within a family of vampire killers so he felt that they hated him because of it, and that wasn’t the case at all, and was the one to lead the pureblood vampire to his home to slaughter his family, then left with her to become stronger by being her servant and drinking her blood. But she won’t drink his bc he’s too obedient and likes Zero more because Zero fights her will with everything he has. And Ichiru is a jealous lil bitch because I guess Zero gets all the attention even though he really doesn’t/ doesn’t want it and thinks it’s Zero’s fault that his life is this way. 

Season 2 in a nutshell:

Things are FINALLY getting revealed. So, the reason Yuki was brought to the headmaster was that her parents (WHO WERE ALSO SIBLINGS WHO DECIDED TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS BC PUREBLOODS GR O SS) WERE KILLED BY THEIR EVIL OLDER BROTHER WHO WAS COMING FOR YUKI AND SO KANAME BEING HER ELDER BROTHER STOPPED HIM, AND BROUGHT YUKI TO THE HEADMASTER SO THAT SHE COULD LIVE NORMALLY AS A HUMAN UNTIL SHE WAS FRESHLY COOKED ENOUGH TO BECOME HIS GROSS BRIDE/LOVER/WIFE AND LIVE AS A PUREBLOOD VAMP AGAIN, AND YUKI IS TOTALLY INTO IT???? AND SHE SAYS SHIT LIKE “IT’S SO FUNNY THAT I’VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH MY BROTHER THIS WHOLE TIME.’ AND KANAME’S LIKE ‘WHY IS IT FUNNY? WE’RE PUREBLOOD ARISTOCRATS AND IT’S NOT LIKE WE’RE HUMANS LOLOL’ LIKE NO- N O THAT STILL DOESN’T MAKE IT OKAY. 

Also the headmaster was vampire hunter previously and killed a ton of them before was like ‘lol this ain’t the life for me anymore’ which. I can get. I really can. But also, can you just not. “I stopped being a vampire hunter bc I thought that’d be like rejected Yuki and Zero” 

Also now that Yuki is revealed and unsealed as a pure blood vampire all the other vampires are worshiping her like they do Kaname and it’s weird as hell.

Kaname is also manipulating her again, saying that when she wants to protect something she cares about it hurts him. 

also i guess kaname also has been using zero the entire time to make him the strongest vampire hunter in the world and is going to send him to kill the vampire that killed kaname & yuki’s parents and who is also now after Yuki because he wants to eat her and sap her power i guess.

i hate this show so much

but I still love ze-

AND ZERO JUST GOT FUCKING SHOT IN THE HEART BY HIS GODDAMN TWIN GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

APPARENTLY ICHIRU WAS SO WEAK WAS BC ZERO TOOK SOME OF HIS BROTHER’S POWER WHEN THEY WERE IN THEIR MUM’S WOMB LIKE THAT’S??? NOT HIS FAULT??? W H Y ARE YOU DOING THIS??? AND ZERO LEARNING THIS- JUST WANTS HIS BROTHER TO BE HAPPY- 

BUT LIKE THAT STILL ENDED WITH HIS BROTHER KILLING HIS FAMILY. 

AND THEN HIS BROTHER WITH HIS FINAL WISH AS HE LAY DYING IN ZERO’S ARMS, FROM TRYING TO KILL THE BIG BAD GUY AND GETTING HIS ASS WHOOPED TELLS HIM TO DRINK HIS BLOOD SO HE CAN GET HIS FULL VAMP HUNTER POWERS AND CONTINUE TO LIVE

And Zero does it. Because he wants to protect the only friend he’s had. God, Zero is so fucking valid. 

Headmaster actually throwing his lazy ass into the fight to protect Yuki and the academy is the arc reversal of the century. 

also Yuki being able to wield her Vampire hunter weapon despite being a vamp with just her willpower makes no goddamn sense. Power of friendship my ass.

ALSO THE BAD GUY IS SUCH A CREEP. LIKE CREEPS RUN IN THE FAMILY. KANAME AND THE CREEPY ASS UNCLE RITO

ZERO!!!!!

.”TIME FOR CURTAINS TO DRAW ON OUR VAMPIRE NIGHT” 

Roll Credits.

So, all in all, the show ends with Kaname fighting creepy uncle until Zero is the one to kill him, and then as another slap in the face, Yuki leaves the academy with her disgusting love interest grooming brother after drinking Zero’s blood one last time to prove she is actually a vampire. Proving that the only ‘friend’ that he genuinely cared about all this time is gone, and that the next time they meet, he will be forced to kill her as his role as a Vampire hunter. And it ends with Yuki looking forward to that day??????

I. hate. this series. 

I HATE IT SO MUCH. 

It has interesting ideas, and it got popular the time vampires were megahuge, but it’s just utterly disgusting and disappointing. I only liked ONE character. ONE. And he’s the one who gets fucked over the most. 

It’s cliche. And Gross. And just. I braced myself for some bad anime but I had no goddamn idea how bad it actually is. 

If you like it, then you do you my dude. I just can’t. This series? scarred me for life? I would rather eat an old moldy sock than sit and watch this again. 

[muttfangs]

i'm in the process of finding a competent therapist post-IOP still, so, I apologize for the weird emotional dump I'm about to type out in here but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I guess maybe I hope some of y'all can relate / understand / offer solidarity or whatever ahaha woof I need to bark about it somewhere tho for catharsis

I'm adding TW's and spoilering the entire thing bc it's a lot to handle unprompted lol

tw for: general mental illness stuff, love addiction, family dynamics / verbal abuse, cPTSD

so I really don't like talking about my dating endeavors ever (I have a very weird... past... with love addiction and I am 100% aware of how unhealthy I was in my relationships prior to IOP lmfao) but like. I had a massive, weird, existential panic attack last night surrounding my past with serial limerence and doubting myself and being like "am I really feeling these feelings for [person], or am I being blinded by how nice they are to me, regressing into old trauma, and just enjoying the attention too much and re-opening my abandonment issues" sdajhfd

anyways so. I have a really big crush on someone I've hung out with a couple times irl recently. and like we click super well, they're extremely attractive, smart, sweet, etc. they're also trauma informed both verbally and wrt sex stuff, and when we hook up sexually I've never felt so safe in my life lmao like they ask me for consent for more intense kink stuff, they listen to me when I say "no", and I know that sounds like bare minimum but I've NEVER felt 100% in control and safe during rough sex ever so uh. it's a big, big deal for me to actually trust and feel safe around someone in kink settings. especially since they're like, WAY taller and more muscular than me lmfao but I don't feel threatened at all.

I'm bad about being concise WHOOPS but in a nutshell I started feeling really really guilty about having feelings for them because like... I don't know if I want to? I feel like  being into them romantically feels like "too much" due to my past with limerence and love addiction. and I've told them like "haha uh oh i think I have a crush on you". and like they aren't non-receptive to it, our dynamic is very like physical-affection, intimacy based and communicative and when we hang out it isn't always explicit lol like I invited them over for dinner a couple nights ago after they got off work and we just cuddled and chilled and talked about how weird the climate surrounding trans issues is rn etc. like we just. enjoyed each other's company.

I GUESS??? what i'm trying to say is like I feel guilty about having feelings for them because it feels ... like I'm going insane and regressing into limerence again? lmao like I hate realizing i'm crushing on them romantically because my brain feels like it's short circuiting and it feels wrong and confusing to me bc I DON'T KNOW IF IM ACTUALLY LIKE... FEELING THESE THINGS OR OF IVE BEEN SO ISOLATED AND TOUCH STARVED THAT I THINK I AM?????? asdfjkhf it's. intense and weird and I hate all of it lol

anyways yeehaw never having affection or attention growing up fucked me up permanently and that's why I struggle with attraction and attachment to this day and it feels terrifying and even like. unethical for me to crush on people because I don't understand what's real and what's my brain malfunctioning :)