#And I'm fucking tired because I spent all of 2019 trying to get people to stop treating us like shit

[drunkenskunk]

So there's a fanfic I've been trying to write for the last several years, and I haven't been making much progress. On average, I've been writing 5000 words in it every 6 months or so. I keep trying to make progress, but it's difficult to find the motivation to continue, since it seems like nobody gives a shit. And it's just a feedback loop of the longer it takes me to write, the less interest there is, and the harder it is for me to motivate myself, which takes me longer to write...

But there's also another project I've been working on: creating a whole bunch of redacted documents about an OC of mine, and then putting them all together in a physical file folder, as if some fictional agency of multiverse space cops has been building an intelligence dossier. The latest document is a 10-page-long transcript of an operation where they tried to capture her, but it went very wrong.

But also, I've been trying to work on a short story about the character I've been playing in the weekly Lancer game. It's called "Scarlet's Last Normal Day on Hell's Gate," and it is exactly what it sounds like from the title: following her life on the station, the literal day before the Class 2 Printer breaks, and the campaign of In Golden Flame kicks off.

But also, I've been stressed about my computer so much that I haven't streamed in over a week. This in itself has caused a slight crisis, because see it's making me question if this whole streaming habit hobby is even worth it. I've been doing it for 2 years, and haven't seen any tangible results. It's just made me more stressed and tired and it takes up valuable time I don't have that I could've been spent trying to write or draw and oh god the streaming is why my hands haven't been working in years, isn't it?

But the computer situation is also stressful. See, I'm just knowledgeable enough about my computer to get me into trouble, but I'm not knowledgeable enough to get me out. I think there's some kind of overheating issue: sometimes, when I play or stream some games, my computer will unexpectedly stop. The fans spin like a jet engine, everything freezes, the monitors go black and display the words "DVI NO SIGNAL" and the only input it will accept is me holding down the power button to force shut down. And it's like, I don't know what the problem is. Is it the case fans that need replacing? Is it a problem with the fans and/or heat sink on the graphics card? Is there a fault in the liquid cooling system? Has the thermal paste on the CPU worn out because the computer is just over 5 years old? Or is it something else entirely that I'm just not knowledgeable enough to even be aware of?

So that means there's the issue of what to do about this computer. Because even getting it to a shop to figure out what's wrong is going to be tricky, as I don't own (can't afford) a car, so how would I get it there? And even if I somehow found a way to get it there and back, is getting it fixed to keep this old bitch limping along for a few more years even worth it? Even before (what I assume are) the overheating issues, it was still showing its age. The computer might be 5 years old, but the graphics card was low-mid range, even when I got it. And it's becoming increasingly clear that 4 tb of space split between 2 hard drives might have been fine in 2019, it absolutely isn't enough now.

But if I decide to get a new computer, the only way I'd be able to pay for it is by pulling money from what used to be the "Emergency Bug Out Fund," an amount of money I had squirreled away in case of "emergency." Problem is, that moment of "emergency" where that money could've been useful already came and went. It's not enough for me to escape the United States. And even if it was enough, I never made a proper plan, because I was too busy surviving. And even if I had enough and put together a proper plan... where the fuck could I even escape? Setting aside how hostile to trans people most of the world seems to be now anyway, the reach of the Imperial American Hegemony is global, and they've proven time and again that they do not give a shit about sovereignty or international law. And it's only going to get worse after the election...

Pulling from that fund feels like me admitting defeat. I'm going to be stuck here in this hostile police state of a country, working until I die, desperately trying to make just enough money to pay off my increasingly absurd ransom rent each month, as it feels like all the things that used to bring me joy are just causing me stress.

I'm so tired.

[wilkesboi]

Shit.

Not sleeping until the early hours had better not be a returning routine.

I did not miss the thoughts that run through my head at this time of night.

What the fuck is missing this time?

I spent years holding on to so many friendships and histories. I took 2 years out to concentrate on myself and getting an actual career going.

But what was the point? Two people I called my "best friends" for over a decade just see me as the loose friend that remembers who they used to be.

I lost a lot of toxic people and immature adults, but some good ones moved on from me as well.

Maybe India won... It didn't matter what the strangers on the internet thought of me. But knowing that people I grew up with and respected would see the things she claimed about me... It broke me a bit.

I remember a friend publicly humiliating me on a night out around then. I was so guilty I didn't even stand up for myself. And then there were the people who supported the thing I did outright.

I always drank. But I took it too far after those days. It took a global pandemic for me to stop drinking whilst everyone else started.

I've actually managed to retain the memory of most things since 2019. Anything before then is a shattered pane of glass that either myself or someone else has manipulated. So I can't trust it.

Who did I piss off? Fuck knows.

Who pissed me off? Fuck knows.

Who did I actually like? Fuck knows.

Who liked me? Fuck knows.

Who did I use? Fuck knows.

Who used me? Fuck knows.

Here I am on a good path, with an excellent partner and a good looking future. But the insecurities I thought I'd learned to ignore are back.

I miss being someone's best friend. I always thought I'd be a best man, a brother, anything. I miss when I used to actually believe in honour. I miss when I used to be loyal. I miss when I used to try. I even miss her (as a former friend).

I have to isolate though. Can't even find an online community thanks to everything trying to recruit me into a political/incel cult.

So I leave the house, and I have no memorable history with people that know my name.

How the fuck am I still not tired? What else did I need to publish to the world?

I'm scared someone will embarrass me using my past or someone else's every time I leave the house in this town.

I'm scared that my partner will leave me because of a fetish (that everyone who browsed my likes over the years know I have).

I'm scared that I'll be a haunted by my childhood even when I have my own family.

I'm scared that I'll always be cynical.

I'm scared that one day all this anger I've held in my whole life will spill out into the wrong direction.

I'm scared the insomnia will creep back.

I'm scared of it all.

[arotaro]

Seriously though, y’all, I’m tired of this kind of shit. Everyone says they want to support allo aros and it’s soooo terrible that we’re excluded why would anyone do that!!! :((( But then those same people won’t take 10 seconds out of their lives to think to themselves, “Maybe I should not act like sexual attraction is inherently bad, weird, or gross, and should not assume that the entire aro community would totally agree and find this funny.”

I understand that sexual attraction is strange and maybe even scary to some of you, but you can talk about your separation from it without painting everyone who experiences it in a negative light. And you can certainly do so without assuming that everyone feels the way you feel.

Supporting allo aros means more than slapping our name onto “you’re valid” positivity posts. It means actively working to not participate in behavior that ostracizes us. It means thinking about what our needs are, and thinking about what harms us, and adjusting your behavior accordingly. You need to stop and think to yourself, “Am I really including allo aros? Am I making jokes at their expense? Am I assuming that my experience is the default aro experience?”

ESPECIALLY if you are an aro community blog, these are questions you need to be asking yourself all. the. time. 

You have to acknowledge that we exist and who we are, not “acknowledge” us in the form of having some vague awareness that “allo” is a thing you can tack onto “aro” sometimes for some reason. Slapping “allo aros are good uwu!” onto a positivity post and then turning around and talking about how awful attraction is is just as hollow as calling cis gay characters “LGBTQ+” representation. Do you understand?

Is this community on our side or not?

[strangesmallbard]

okay i just watched an episode of call the midwife that made me abruptly confront several grief-related traumas at once and i feel the need to talk about them, like make everything exist outside my head and join the human experience, or something. please feel no obligation to read this or respond but if you're going through The Grief yourself, know you're not alone.

tw for death, cancer, suicide, alcoholism

i lost three people in a year, and didn't really get to say goodbye to any of them, and that's like? fucked up doesn't describe it LMAO. i lost my grandma and a work supervisor in june 2019, and my dad at the very beginning of 2020. my grandma died in her sleep; she was 89, so it wasn't unexpected, just sudden. she was very anxious toward the end of her life and we didn't have many meaningful conversations. i wasn't medicated or grown up enough to have those conversations, and mostly i wish i'd validated her deep anxiety about death and her anger at her own body when it stopped working. right now i'm acutely grieving her house - it was sold a year later, and i don't think i'll ever forgive my uncle for that.

my supervisor died by suicide. we weren't very close, but he had a strangely large place in my life - he was previously my college professor several years before and i chose that school because of his work in particular. he was also the first out gay person i saw at my school during orientation, and that memory's always stayed with me as i formed a community there.

the last time i saw him was a work event the night before (opening night of a play - i worked at a theatre company.) we sat next to each other and i noticed he seemed sad, tired, or off. i was annoyed with him about a work-related thing that doesn't matter anymore, but i was still friendly because i always try to be friendly. i hoped he was alright. a few days later, my other supervisor told me what happened. he was a kind-hearted guy who was passionate about his work and changed many, many lives for the better. i think about him a lot.

my internship ended right after this without much fanfare or Unpacking. i just left a grieving community and dived right into my first gig, basically running on fumes lmao. my internship was very, very toxic, and i wouldn't realize it for another year. i didn't think about my grandma or my supervisor. i spent the whole summer wanting to call my supervisor and talk to her about what happened. she came to watch closing night of my play, and we didn't talk about what happened. the next day, i plunged into a Huge Depression involving an alcohol dependency and eight seasons of house md.

as i vaguely began to exit my depression, my dad was deadass. DEADASS. diagnosed with stage four lung cancer from smoking cigarettes. like omg. DUDE? the last time i saw my dad was at my grandma's funeral!!!! fucking on the nose. anyway. he was diagnosed in early december 2019, after seeing a doctor for back problems. the back problems were several tumors. everything happened very quickly. the last time i saw my dad alive was in a hospital parking garage on december 24, 2019. we hugged goodbye, but not Goodbye. he was in a rush to get home because he was sick from radiation treatment. i don't remember our last conversation at all.

my mom and i got the call he was dying after i schlepped her to urgent care for a separate medical issue. my mom was too zonked to get on a plane, so i went to the airport. five minutes after i got there, i learned he passed. it was very crowded. i canceled the ticket while crying, and i didn't explain why i was crying. my lyft driver asked if i had a good trip. this now strikes me as hilarious. i learned that his family let him know i was coming. this was likely the last thing he heard. i can't really sum up my dad in a sentence, but he was brave in his own way, a great storyteller, and loved me very much. i wish he realized we had a lot in common, and i wish we had more time. thanks for the adhd dad

anyway, guess what happened in march 2020! yeah shit's been weird. most days i'm honestly fine, and then i remember i designed my dad's headstone (it looks banging) and he'll never meet any kids i have. in three months it'll be three years since we last spoke and i hate that. i'm a very different person, and i've only become this person because three people in my life died in the same ten months. my mom's also been sick and it's a very particular kind of lonely. wow this was cathartic! if you made it here, i love you. if you didn't, i love you! feel my love telepathically! i am 65 years old in vibes, especially if you count the osteoarthritis. i am also maybe 3 or 4 years old and i want a nap and snacks and my stuffed animals, etc.

[vole-mon-amour]

OTP tag game.

Tagged by @captainjowl. You know for sure than I'm struggling to pick only 10 & fit them in here. But hell, that’s fun, thank you <3

Rules: Choose 10 OTPs BEFORE reading the questions, and then get to answering

1) Harry James Potter & Sirius Orion Black

2) Daniel Le Domas & Grace (Ready or Not 2019)

3) Samuel & Nathan Drake (Uncharted 4)

4) Corvo Attano & The Outsider (+probably Emily Kaldwin; Dishonored series)

5) Steve Grant Rogers & Bucky Buchanan Barnes (Marvel)

6) Tony Edward Stark & Peter Benjamin Parker (Marvel)

7) Handsome Jack & Rhys (Borderlands video game series)

8) Damon Salvatore & Elena Gilbert (TVD Books & a tv show)

9) Batman & Joker (in every universe, really)

10) Adam Jensen x Francis Pritchard (Deus Ex video game series)

1. Do you remember the episode/scene/chapter that you first started shipping 6?

I believe it didn't hit me before Spider-Man: Homecoming. Civil War was about Steve & Bucky for me, but when I saw that growing up Peter with Tony, their dynamic, chemistry. Tom & Robert are really just like that.

2. Have you ever read a fanfic about 2?

Lmao. I've read like 50% of the tag on AO3, I wrote my own & started a few wips on them. They are amazing. Plus, with that shitty canon? We didn't get enough of them & they deserved better, so it's only logical to save yourself with fanfiction.

3. Has a picture of 4 ever been your screen saver/profile picture/tumblr screen saver?

I was living with The Outsider icon on my twitter & tumblr. That one is still my Google profile picture I believe. Don't remember about having an icon with the two of them. Also had The Outsider as my lockscreen on my smartphone for a while.

4. If 7 were to suddenly break up today, what would your reaction be?

Funny how it fits canon, lmao. Rhys literally tried to erase Jack's AI in TFTBL, so I guess another day on Pandora, nothing new. They torture each other, they kiss each other, they kill other people in the process. It'll be fiiine.

5. Why is 1 so important?

I love them since the first time I met them, which was much more than 10 years ago, I don't even remember when. At some point they were the reason I was waking up & forcing myself to eat just to read more fanfiction & feel something. Even if I was drowning in pain (I was extremely depressed), it was still something. I read every fic I could find at that time. The depression that Harry went through, all these feelings, his love for Sirius. I was living through it, I could relate.

I'm currently drowning in these two again, though in a much healthier & happier state. I see their flaws & I know as much as I can. I see them differently as an adult. They saved me, they keep being my number one, I still consider making a tattoo of Padfoot/Sirius or of both Harry & Sirius together. I have many headcanons, ideas, I write fics about them. They are everything, you see? They were my choice when there was nothing, no one. They are HOME.

6. Is 9 a funny ship or a serious ship?

Both. There goes the dynamic of Jack & Rhys: torture, fighting, flirting, a lot of trauma. I'd definitely say that they are wild and comical sometimes, but they are definitely serious. With the Asylum, the mental health issues. There is so much more to it, the complexity of their relationship. The struggle of loving who you probably shouldn't (but hey, when does it work like that?) Thinking about Tettlate's Batman, about Batman: Europa & how Joker was: "You must be crazy, putting me in charge of the plan, letting me decide. Okay, well..."

Nah, they are entertaining, but this is a serious ship.

7. Out of all the ships listed, which ship has the most chemistry?

Are you kidding me? They are all the definition of CHEMISTRY. I'd say 5, but then go 2, 6, 7, 8. Come on. I'm not choosing. Most of they are WILD.

9. How many times have you read/watched the 10’s fandom?

The fandom itself? Idk. I found one of my favourite artists through this fandom. If it's about the characters themselves, I played the first game with the DLC from start to beginning, looking around every corner. Spent more than 60 hours in there. Watched a second game (my laptop can't run the game) and the DLC (obviously), since Francis is in the DLC & not in the main game. I have a tag for them on tumblr, I read fanfiction, I tried to write my own. I still follow Elias & want a third game. Elias liked my tweets about Adam and Jensen being an actual couple a few times. I'd say I interacted with all of this a lot? Still do, actually.

10. Which ship has lasted the longest?

5. Best friends since childhood, fought & died for each other, still found their way back to each other. "It would break your Captain's heart, to see what they did to you." That only the MENTION of Steve can pull Bucky out of this brain washing(ed?) state, distract him in the middle of a fight. When Steve died in the comics because of Sharon & Tony sent Natasha to take Steve's shield from Bucky because even Tony knew how much Steve means to Bucky. And Bucky was like: "Oh, I see what he did. Not happening!" Fought Natasha (that is his ex in the comics) & kept going for Steve's sake.

Well, you see the point, I can go on and on.

11. How many times, if ever, has 6 broken up?

They're not actually canon so none? They had a few fights: In Civil war (the comics), in Homecoming (the movie).  That only means that they’ve got history & love each other.

12. If the world was suddenly thrust into a zombie apocalypse, which ship would make it out alive, 2 or 8?

As fierce Grace is, they wouldn't stand a chance against Damon & Elena. Those two had to deal with worst thing than brainless stupid zombies. On the other hand, if there were no alive humans to drink their blood... It's either an animal diet that Damon hates so much or I don't know? Still, they're faster & more powerful. Their bodies have advantage of healing the wounds as well.

13. Did 7 ever have to hide their relationship for any reason?

From some people, yeah. Don't tell Athena, don't tell Vaughn, don't tell Fiona. Though Rhys wasn't very subtle about it & Jack just doesn't give a fuck. You will probably end up dead if you disagree or bore him, or if you're useless.

"I can take you to the top, but you gotta know where the top is" & Rhys doesn't tell anybody until Jack makes him the President for like whole 20 minutes lol.

Fiona & Sasha: "This can't be happening." Sure it can, darling.

14. Is 4 still together?

I have a headcanon about The Outsider finding Emily & Corvo after Billie frees him from the Void. He doesn't have anybody & they are his only friends aside from a potential friendship with Billie. And if we don't consider TOTO dlc, they definitely are! The Outsider visits them both when they sleep & takes them to the void sometimes. How could he not?

15. Is 10 canon?

Not really but also sort of? Let's say that they really care about each other in canon, despite Adam pushing Francis away because of his trauma & fear that Megan caused him. :/

16. If all 10 ships were put into a couple’s Hunger Games, which couple would win?

Can you imagine wizards fighting extremely powerful vampires? Superheroes with venom in their bodies that make them super strong with people that made a deal with the Devil himself (hi Le Bail)? 5000 y.o. God and his lover that share his powers and an augmented human protecting his tired IT guy? Combine mental health issues to that, Jack and Rhys with Batman and Joker. Corvo & The Outsider would probably slay them all as Corvo and Emily did in both games with entire islands, though it will still be a slaughter anyway.

17. Has anybody ever tried to sabotage 5’s ship?

All the fucking time, lmaooo. I’m not even talking about it.

18. Which ship would you defend to the death and beyond?

I feel like I already did with Steve & Bucky after many Marvel movies (we're not even mentioning Endg*me, I fucking died & was dead for full 4-5 months).

19. Do you spend hours a day going through 3’s tumblr page?

I used to do that a few years back, but not anymore. There is not much content since the trilogy is finished.

20. If an evil witch descended from the sky and told you that you had to pick one of the ten ships to break up forever or else she’d break them all forever, which ship would you sink?

1 already went through it & fandom lives, so I'd say maybe 7? Rhys will find a way to bring Jack back & they are both so wild. It’s what happened in canon anyway. Jack kidnapped Lilith & forced her to do Angel's job, so I'd like to see that witch try at first. Jack is an immortal bastard. <3

Now that I think about it, Corvo would also deal with her in seconds as she waits to curse them.

As a conclusion: no one breaks up forever, we're killing the witch.

I tag: @ianmillkovichgallagher​ & @aledbr​

Whoever else wants to join the game, please do.

[xxxdownwithmydemonsxxx]

Do not ignore this post if you relate to being a fuck up, diagnosed abnormal, or dont see having a future.

I cant be the only one out there who hasn't stopped fucking up since coming into existence.. follow my journey if you can relate in anyway to the things I share. dont be scared to send me asks, i am an open book and wont withhold from satisfying your curiosities. if you're alone with your thoughts and need to vent, feel welcome to flood my dm's and I will respond as soon as I can because I understand when we feel pain and are left to process by ourselves, that is when the bad thoughts seep into our mind, saturating our thoughts, and darkening our souls.

Anyway, 🥀☠🖤

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Page turned. A week ago my partner and I decided to give life one more effort before letting our lives fade to black.

Warning, before continuing to read, my thoughts are poured straight from my mind and into these posts. You must be willing to give up some of your time in order to read what I gave up my time to type.

25 years spent living in chaos and self-destruction with the inevitable escape to try again, only making the same decisions leading to insanity. Surprisingly enough, I made it to the end of 2019. Thanks to my best friend, now partner, I was able to realize how fucked off I let myself become. The trauma I locked away, thinking it wouldnt affect me, had complete control over my mind and physical actions, which resulted in me allowing everyone to take advantage of my entire sense of self.

I have a lot of gaps in my memory, more recently because my mind would "check-out" and I would go into auto pilot to avoid the stress or pain that I just couldn't handle processing.

But I'll never forget the time my mind checked back into my body because it was the most terrifying experience I've ever had to feel and process and understand. Sparing details, whether I close my eyes or not, I can clearly see myself looking at my partner who is sobbing and looks tired and full of pain. I felt myself come back into my body, sounds went from some sort of inaudible fog to sharpening where I could hear what she was saying to me. For a couple seconds after I was coming back to myself, I stared blankly because I couldnt process or feel anything but all at once I started blinking and felt whole again. Disprientated and confused at what was going on but at that moment what I was being told finally clicked. I was ready to hear how fucked up I became. How anything I say or do doesnt make sense and I contradict myself all the time and that I have been on a path to self destruct one more time, leaving myself with no friends or family to lean on, burning every bridge, leaving myself to some suicide mission and I didnt even realize what I was doing. I did things I dont remember doing, I said things I would never say to people I care about, and I was in complete denial. Not the kind of denial where you ignore facts but know you're kind of wrong- I'm talking about straight denial where I wasn't able to decipher fact from fiction and I thought my thoughts were true, however after the fact, I knew it was denial because nothing I did added up. Traumas a bitch, huh?

Anyway, terrifying & never want to live through losing my mind ever again. I'm surprised I made it out of the past 24 years still sane because if we look at statistics, I should've died anywhere from a decade ago to today.

Where was I.. oh, turning the page.

Whatever or Whoever had the power to not only restore my sanity but also give me the strength to process a lot of what I had suppressed, has offered me the opportunity to live and I believe this is my last chance to figure it out. I've been given a gift by the Universe and given how brilliant I actually am, I'm not going to deny accepting it.

A week ago I started making necessary changes- changes I've never made before or fully committed to. Externally and internally there has been an immense shift, from wiping the slate clean with disconnecting from everyone except my mom and girlfriend, to cleaning out, rearranging, and making my apartment an entirely new space and vibe, and internally because now that I'm aware of the choices I have been making that hurt myself and others, i can rewire my mind to stop before acting out of habit and I can act in accordance to how I genuinely feel or think. It's become liberating and I feel my sense of self developing as I continue to experience life with a new set of awareness and understanding.

It's been about a week, 6-7 days, since making the decision to go all in with doing something different and theres a new battle with each new day, but I have never been so motivated to figure out a way to keep pushing forward because for once in my life I see a future worth living for. Finally, a glimpse of hope and happiness, things I didnt think were obtainable for me in this life.

I originally said "page turned", but what is more fitting would be to consider it the second installment on my life's series.

If I continue to make it through each day alive then Part 2 of my life will develop into quite a story. I'm sharing through Tumblr my experiences with the intent to show broken souls who believe they are destined fuck ups, that there is way out of self-induced madness and happiness can be obtained. For me, when I was able to even slightly accept the idea of being happy, that gave me an excessive amount of motivation to the point where I will kill anyone who stands in my way of obtaining something I didnt think I would ever have. The amount of dopamine that floods my entire mind, body, and soul gets me higher than i have ever been and I'm addicted to it. I fiend for the rush that encompasses my entire existence so much that I nearly pass out everytime.

I'm weird. I'm nonconforming. I'm psychotic. I'm dramatic. I'm sick in the head. I'm not fucking normal. So I'm going to be the 1% who got down with my demons and (hopefully) lives to finish Part 2.

[dontyouhearmehowling]

oh my god. Ok so I just scrolled through your blog and my heart hurts because there is so much love and just so much stuff I can relate too and I just ahhh damnnn it I cant even but like can I please have the story of your relationship with this girl your with? please? i'm a hopeless romantic I feel too much I love so hard my own love life is complicated but i know the kind of love you talk about thats exactly how i love the love of my life too so yours is a story I need to hear

ok so. it all started on April 31st, 2018. i reblogged one of those ask games and she sent me an emoji that said “i’m too scared to talk to you but i think you’re great” and i was like do it!!! and she did!!!! she texted me after i had already gone to sleep tho, so i only answered the next day. but then we talked all day. and the next. and the next. and we never ran out of things to talk about and even only knowing her for a few days i already felt comfortable enough with her to talk about anything?? it was wild. since day 1 we’ve had this connection that i’ve never had with anyone else and its my favorite thing in the world. after like a week we already had a bunch of inside jokes, something that i’d never had before, and i was already crushing on her. ok so we became very close friends like immediately, and i mostly ignored my crush on her bc i thought she didn’t like me back and usually i’d get meaningless crushes on everyone at first before i met her. but then this other girl and i started flirting and i realized i didnt like her bc i liked c too much, so i broke things off and kinda went like “oh shit this is real” and decided that i’d just stay friends with c until i eventually couldnt take it anymore and had to tell her abt my feelings bc thats how i am. anyways ok cool meanwhile i made her watch the good place on rabb.it with me which will be relevant later.

ok so fast forward to may 21st or something around that time. its time to sleep bc i have school the next day so we say goodnight, but then i guess she says something or reblogs something and i get sad bc i realize she doesnt like me back. so i make some hashtag sad posts abt yearning and then i realize i told her i was going to sleep and i didnt want her to think i didnt want to talk to her so i text her again and say like “ok i was going to go to sleep but then i got sad abt my crush” and SHE GOES “you have a crush????????” and im there like. what in the hell bc not only did i not try to hide it At All, i constantly posted about it and had an entire tag about her and i thought it was pretty obvious. so anyways i go “yes?? i thoought you knew that?? im literally always posting about it??” and she asks me to talk abt the crush and who it is. i say “just stalk the tag if u want, im going to sleep” then shes like “nO WAIT WHO IS IT” and im like. blatantly ignoring that and my heart is already beating out of my chest but she Really wants to know and then at one point i say “please dont make me answer that” so shE SAYS “you’re making me think that its me” and i say “i dont know what you want me to say” and SHE GOES “I WANT YOU TO SAY THAT ITS ME BC I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU” so i just. die. right then and there. also yknow we talk about it and its like after 1 am and im just happier than i’ve ever been. ok so 2 days later she asks me out Officially and its great and shes the cutest gf ever and she made me feel more wanted than i’d ever felt in my entire life. then 6 days later she sends me a big big big text on tumblr and long story short (bc it was kinda personal), she would be deleting her all social media for the summer.

so she was gone. and we had only dated for a week at this point, but we’d known each other for 2 months, and i already loved her. i already knew she was the love of my life. i didnt even try to move on, i’d tell people i didnt wanna move on cuz i knew i was meant to love her. i had another blog like this that i used to talk about how much i loved and missed her (so like. exactly like this). i literally reasoned with myself that like. that happened because before i met her i was in a really bad place after a terrible relationship and i was almost giving up on finding someone who actually made me feel loved bc i thought it would never happened, so i was like “ok so i was in a really bad place, so the universe brought my soulmate a little early just for a while so that i would know i had to hold on, and when its actually time for us to be together, it will bring us to each other once again” like i actually told myself that, in those words. and yknow what? i wasnt even wrong. on july 15th she texted me from an empty tumblr with her old url and at first i literally couldnt believe it but we talked for hours and hours and i asked her what happened bc i thought she was disconnecting for the summer and she said “i was. i am. i just couldnt not talk to you anymore” and she said that she thought about me every single day, and i told her i missed her and she said she didnt text sooner bc she thought i’d be angry at her and ofc i wouldnt, i could never be angry at her and besides, she was just taking care of herself and i said i dont think i could be anything less than head over heels for for, and she said she felt the same way, but wasnt ready to be more than friends yet. but that had always been more than enough for me. just having her in my life would always be more than enough for me. so we stayed friends.

then, on august 9th i got this ask.

and she saw it after i said i was gonna go to bed (bc again, i had school the next day) and she texted me a whole thing about how that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about her and that i should be asleep but she had to get it out of her chest and that her anxiety made it hard for her to show how much i meant to her so she was sorry if i didnt know and this would probably make no sense but she was tired of keeping it to herself bc shes the luckiest person alive for having met me and that it was gonna be so hard because shes so difficult (shes not) and her anxiety is difficult but that she literally spent every night thinking about me and of buying plane tickets to come see me so that she could be with me. then she was like “im sorry if this is uncomfortable to you and you can just ignore it but i think im in love with you and this is over text and not romantic at all (it was the most romantic night of my life) but you’re asleep (i wasnt) and we arent together but i want to be one day” and until this i was Trying to fall asleep and then i checked my phone that kept RINGING and died a thousand times over and started to answer and she sent other texts saying “i’ve never felt this way about anyone before i’m so in love with you its fucking ridiculous and this is gonna be so complicated but fuck i want this so bad / i’m sorry it took me so long / would you move to new york with me?” and i was This Close to literally fucking exploding like. how the hell was this happening how was it not a DREAM. so we talked and i obviously said i loved her too and eventually she asked me out and thats still probably the best night of my life. other highlights: “i’ve loved you way before august 9th so jot that down” and “off topic but i love you / you’re honestly my other half” and, after i said “you cant make me laugh its 2am”, she answered “i’m going to make you laugh for the rest of your life so help me god” and thats my favorite thing anyone has ever said to me probably and so far she’s kept her word.

anyways we got back together and then she told me that she never even told her friends she broke up with me??? bc that way she could keep pretending we were still together???? literally like sjdksndk imagine being this loved. i dont have to. anyways she wrote poems abt me sometimes and her christmas gift for me was gonna be a book with all her poems and she called it “what we owe to each other” because of the good place (remember how i said it’d be relevant later? its later) bc like she said that when we were watching tgp together on rabb.it thats when she realized that she Really Truly liked me like For Real. and the inscription on the book was going to be “to the girl i love / and what i owe her” and. yall. i cry. anyways one of the poems had a huge impact on us. heres the story:

and she got them but we broke up before she got to mail them to me. what happened was she had some mental health problems and she said she couldnt give me what i needed at the time but knew i’d still give her my all bc thats just how i am and she thought it wouldnt be fair so she broke things off to work on her mental health. she said she would need some time before we could be friends. the last thing we said was that we loved each other. this was in like november 2018, and we didnt talk for months. i actually tried to move on this time after a while, but it didnt take. and then i gave up for good. havent tried since. but anyways, then, on march 11th, 2019, i had my first day of college back in my home country, and we have this “pranks”/games that seniors get to do to the freshmen, and one of them required eggs, and they asked us to paint them, so i panted mine as iron man bc it was easy, but c LOVES iron man. like. LOVES. like in a Whole New Level of loving. once when we were dating she said she loved me more than tony stark and i was like. shook. like she tattooed “T.S” on her ankle after him. u get the point. she loves him very much, its adorable and endearing and i love it. anyways. so i sent her a picture of it saying like “you dont have to answer this but i made this for my university and i thought you would like it” and she answered and IMMEDIATELY something clicked and we talked and talked and talked and it was never weird or awkward or uncomfortable. it never is with her. its incredible, i cant explain it. i Know shes my soulmate like thats the ONLY possible explanation for this kind of connection. its unreal. anyways. we became friends again! all was well.

then one beautiful night she drunk texts me sndjkajs she sends me so many texts and says it sucks that we live so far away and that she saw my posts (in this particular case, one that said something about like. when she talked about love now, was it about someone else?) and she said that it wasnt. and then she went to sleep and i only saw the texts when i woke up and i was DYING bc we had a 4 hour difference and it’d take a while for her to wake up. when she did, we talked and she said she wasnt over me and was scared she might never be, and even though we were still gonna stay friends, it was nice to know that she still loved me. ok so fast forward a bit more and i was starting to wonder if she’d moved on again, when she finds out her best friend had a crush on her, and that conversation ends up with her saying “it was 100% platonic for me / sorry if thats weird i just wanted you to know that” and it was NOT weird it was GREAT NEWS bc i was Hella jealous of her best friend and at first i wondered if they were dating and anyways the fact that she wanted me to know that was a pretty good hint that she still had feelings for me. ngl im still somewhat jealous of h (c’s best friend), but thats just bc im an insecure lil bitch and also bc they get to go out and do stuff together that i cant do with c bc of the distance, yknow? but anyways. then she went on a graduation trip in mid to the end of june and she bought me a magnet. just. out of nowhere. i cannot stress enough how Incredibly unexpected this was. so much so that i actually convinced myself that it meant she was over me????? literally. what the fuck. anyways we named him together and coincidentally (or bc of soulmate powers. who knows) we both had the same favorite names. i still love that.

okay so then we go to july 29th, 2019. first of all theres one of my favorite interactions Ever which was like after i was venting about something and i was thanking her and i said “you’re always here for me” to which she answered “nowhere else i’d rather be” and i still think thats peak romance and i will take no criticism on this. anyways so then she sent me a poem that she wrote based on a song i’d sent her (the song i called “heaven is a place” and its the BIGGEST mood for being in love and i sent it to her bc it was how i felt about her so her writing a poem about it?? literally the best thing ever. love it) anyways it was a beautiful poem and i cried and got very emotional and kinda went too far in my compliments (aka being very obvious about my romantic feelings) and then i was like oh no sorry if i made u uncomfortable and she was like. “you have NEVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER made me uncomfortable” “you’re the only person on planet earth i am comfortably myself around” and “there’s nothing you could ever say that i wouldn’t wanna hear” and anyways it was just very good and romantic conversation even tho we were just cough cough platonic hashtag gal pals hashtag no homo ✌️ and then she was like ok wait. i need to talk to u abt something. and in short she said she was waiting for us and i was like well what are you waiting for exactly? and she was like idk?? for us to accidentally bump into each other in new york in a few years?? WHICH WAS LITERALLY WHAT I’D DAYDREAM ABOUT BACK IN JUNE 2018 BEFORE SHE CAME BACK OKAY so anyways we had a Great conversation and said i love you about a thousand times each and she decided she was gonna buy tickets to come see me. and then she dID like TWO DAYS LATER. lichrally. queen of impulsivity but in the best way possible.

—————

ok quick edit here cuz i forgot to say that when i found out she was coming i asked for my mom’s help to make a necklace pendant for her from scratch. my mom works with prosthetics so she has the material to make jewelry and back when c and i were dating in 2018 i had made this lil design for a necklace that had the moon and the ocean (bc duh) and i was gonna give it to her for valentines day in 2019 but we broke up before that so i didnt get the chance, but when i found out i was meeting her i knew i had to. so i made the necklace in wax, like this:

and my mom took it to her work and heated it up to melt it and keep the shape of it to fill with silver, and this was the result:

i gave it to her when she got here and she wore it while she was here and it made me so happy. ok edit over

—————

ok so we kept being like couple-y but not officially in a relationship bc we didnt want to make her anxiety worse. also at one point she was like “so about the ‘i love you more than the moon/ocean’ thing, since we BOTH love BOTH of the moon AND the ocean, i think its only Fair if we update our love declarations to ‘i love you more than the mocean’ bc its mix of both but thats not a word, buT its pronounced exactly like ‘motion’. therefore we should both start saying ‘i love you more than the motion’”. so now we have both the wonderful, romantic, original version, and the NOT ROMANTIC AT ALL DO U HEAR ME C??? version :) and after this day she always started with the WORST!!!!!! version, and i always started with the Only Valid Version, but we’d still answer each other’s ofc because. well. thats love i gues?? it sorta goes like this though: her: i love you more than the motion / me: i hate u / me: i literally hate u so much / me: i Also love you more than the motion

but anyways she was coming to visit me but the plane ticket wasnt for my home country it was for where i was going to university at (a new university, i was starting over) and when i first got here on this campus, i didnt have a working phone number for this country, and i wouldnt be able to access the wifi for 3 days, so i had no way of talking to her. it was TERRIBLE and i missed her more than anything in my LIFE but when i got wifi (after CRYING to the people here bc theyre the most unorganized uni ever and i was already very overwhelmed and stressed) i immediately called her and she’d sent me over 100 text messages dkfjssjks it was amazing, there were two (2) videos of her singing (which is like. objectively the best thing in the world, and the song was rlly romantic and i love it sm when she showed it to me for the first time she said it made her think abt me), a poem, AND a HUGE text with “i love you” written like. a THOUSAND TIMES. seriously i have a gif of it opening and scrolling bc it was so long that the text wouldnt show up directly on the chat screen and u have to click on it to see the rest. i’d never felt more loved in my entire life by anyone ever. anyways so then it came the day for her to get here and i had to wake up at 5 am to go get her at the airport and the uber was like $40 but who CARES it was the best day of my LIFE and i got there 20 minutes earlier bUT GUESS WHAT SO DID SHE (hashtag just soulmate things) then we facetimed the entire time while she was walking through the airport and getting her luggage and then she hung up to walk to the door where i was and we hugged for like 5 minutes and we were totally in people’s way and also almost fell but it was the best thing in the world and i never should’ve let her go. but, we had to go home, so i did. and we spent 4 days together and im not gonna go into details bc this is already too long but u can always send me another ask about her visit if ur not a coward. also i bought her a hoodie from my uni and whenever she wears it i just. die. in short, those days were the happiest i’ve ever been. this campus res had never felt like home before that friday and it hasnt again since that monday, but i swear to god, during those 4 days, this was the only place i could possibly belong.

anyways then she left and i cried for the entire uber ride home and then i cried all day. lmao. also when she was here she gave me the poetry book, the magnet, and the bracelet. still wear the bracelet every single day and i love it more than anything. but then personal stuff happened and we kinda stopped being couple-y again and we’re just friends now but before new years i asked her if she still loved me and she said yes and she said she’d tell me if it changed so ✌️✌️ im assuming it hasnt. even tho my brain is a bitch and everyday its like. today. today is the day. this is when its gonna happen. buT yknow we’ve spent months before without even talking to each other and we got through that still in love, so i mostly ignore it. and tbh i know that actually like, even if we grow apart now (god forbid, but still) we’ll find our way back to each other eventually. like, i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: nothing, not even the universe itself, can convince me that shes not my soulmate. and even if it turns out i’m not hers, loving her is still the greatest honor i can think of.

another edit: also i started drawing recently and the first person i’ve ever finished drawing was her and also (surprise surprise @c since you’re already seeing all my feelings anyway) bc of my second drawing i almost missed the deadline for one of my midterms (which was a take-home test) bc instead of writing it i spent the entire day before the deadline finishing the drawing which was a secret valentines day gift (secret as in she didnt know it was supposed to be a gift, she thought it was just a drawing inspired by a quote that she loves) and i finished at 2 am but shes 3 hours behind so for her it was still 11 pm which MEANS it was still valentines day so it still counts, i win, lesbian rights!

[lonelier-version-of-you]

does Jac count as mentally ill? I'm not trying to be offensive, like I know she isn't a role model of healthy behaviour I'm just wondering what makes Jac's behaviour cross the line from having a big ego and bad social skills into mental illness. what makes her different to how Connie was?

Note, I’m tired so the following may or may not make sense and I may jump from subject to subject with unfinished points, but I’ll try explaining:

*points at her whole nervous breakdown in 2017* Well, that, for starters.

Also I don’t think she has a big ego at all - she just pretends to.

As she said to Fletch during her panic attack, “if I don’t have surgery, I don’t have anything.” She’s confident in her surgical prowess because it’s something that can be objectively measured - she knows she’s good at it. She can’t objectively measure her… goodness as a person, basically, so she buries herself in work, something she doesn’t really need to assure herself she’s good at, in an attempt to avoid having to confront her insecurities.

She fears abandonment - something that’s made quite clear at various points throughout the show. (And considering that her mum abandoned her, that makes a lot of sense.) It’s not exactly hard to tell that she has a lot of self-worth issues, too.

One recent example that comes to mind is the New Year’s 2019 ep, when she’s saying that Emma spent most of Christmas 2018 talking to Jonny instead of enjoying the day with her, and she later mentions that Jonny’s getting remarried and that she’s scared of Emma calling her stepmum Mummy. Her logic just jumps from “Emma spent most of Christmas talking to Jonny instead of me, this must mean I’m a bad mother, maybe I should just let Jonny have custody of her, I bet his new wife will be a better mum than me”.

There are more examples, but that’s the only one my tired brain can think of right now, lol.

Now, I know fuck all about mentally healthy people (just about everyone in my immediate family are mentally ill, and I don’t interact with anyone outside of them irl), but that doesn’t seem like a leap a mentally healthy person would make.

(Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t there a scene during Sacha’s first bout of depression, where he explained the symptoms to everyone and Jac said “that’s just my personality”? Yeah.)

She has a lot of issues, and there’s far too many of them and they impact her life far too much to just be “issues”. There’s some sort of mental illness going on there.

(FWIW: Now I’m no expert, just someone with personal experience of mental illness who has researched a hell of a lot of things to try to figure out what they have, but since this is fiction and I can armchair diagnose all I want, I’ll just put it out there that I personally think Jac has CPTSD.)

There was a user on here who wrote fantastic Jac meta. Unfortunately they deleted their blog a few days ago, but I still have some of their content as I reblogged it - I’d suggest this post for further reading. It makes a lot of good points, worded better than I ever could word them.

[your-heydaydreamer-blog]

Last sunday I listen to the word of God and here's what is says:

This made me remember my downfall 4 years ago

Way back 2016 I was eagerly praying for my one great goal: to pass my Board Exam.

Before praying for my board exam I was praying to God to help me graduate. As i said I have my fair share of life dilemmas. I'm not born rich, I sent my self to college thru scholarship. One failed subject and you have to kiss your bachelors degree goodbye. So i study hard pray hard and party harder whenever I ace a semester. And my prayer works. I graduated on time with no failed subject. That gave me a sense of confidence that I will ace that Board Exam just as how i did with my Bachelors Degree.

So i focused on my review and saved money to send myself into what they call a prestigous review school. I spent 6 sleepless months studying each and every topic. My plans are clear in my mind. I will pass this board exam then work into one of the top firms in the industry earn money buy my family a house give myself a car and establish a business. In short after this exam i will make myself a strong independent and successfull lady.

That was my plan. Unfortunately that wasn't God's. I flunked the exam. You read it right ladies and gentlemen. When the results are out I saw my friends names on the list. But my name is nowhere to be found. I was shocked. I can't believe it. This can't be happening i told myself. I tried to refresh the page several times hoping that maybe they are still updating the list of passers. But no. The list arr finalized. I didn't pass the board exam. Now let me show you the stages that people like me has to go through in times like this:

1. Denial:

You try to calm yourself thinking there might be a mistake. Telling yourself that this ain't reality and that this too shall pass

2. Grief:

You finally realize that you're a fucking loser so you cry your self to sleep and cry again the moment you wake up. It's a cycle. A never ending cycle until you finally save yourself from the pit of your grief

3. Self Pity

You distance yourself from your winning friends. You start to question your ability. What have you missed? What is it with them that is not in you that you failed? You start telling yourself that this is it. You can never go farther than this. This is all you got.

4. Acceptance.

Finally after all the "this can't be happening" thing, all the nights spent mourning for the shattered dreams and all the self blame you get to the point where you just have to accept that shit happens. You have to move on and continue to live.

For 4 years after that life changing failure i was lost. I am barely living. I am just existing and breathing and consuming oxygen that could have been consumed by a human being living their life with a purpose. Im living a life with no direction and destination.

After that unanswered prayer i ran away from God. I questioned Him. Why did he let me fail? Did he got tired of me? With just one unanswered prayer i forgot all those unprayed answer. I think that my old self feel so entitled that when her prayer got rejected he shows off an attitude as if the Lord owes Him an answered prayer.

Don't get me wrong. I tried several times to ran back. Ran back to Him. But I'm confused i keep on asking. I know He has better plans for me but what's that better plan? What kind of plan is that that it took so long for me to see. My friends are successful in their endeavors. They have awesome jobs with great salary package and benefits. They got promoted. They were able to buy a house some them already have cars and some got married. And me? Im here rotting. This makes me question Him again. What is it that your making me wait? Have you forgotten about me since im a loser? A failure? Somethimes i would ask, what is it that your trying to show me and teach me through this waiting game? Im getting tired. The Lord knows about that. I never told anyone my frustrations but whenever a friend posted their achievements online i tend to ask myself what happens to me? I used to do good in college. What happen? Am i a total loser now? Due to frustration i deactivated my social media accounts and shuts the world behind me.

This goes on and on. I change from one employer to another. Changing work as if im changing clothes. Until I finally landed a job into this international company. I dont really care if i got hired or what. I dont really care anymore about anything this past few years. As long as im earning im good with it.

And another storm came into me when i lose my father year 2019. And this really paralyzed me. But life goes on. So am i. The only reason i work hard is to support my fathers meds. Since i cannot live up my promise to pass the board exam, suppprting his maintenace meds is the least thing that i can do. But after he's death whats there to live for? I can stop working and let myself die out of hunger since its only me then. I lose the only reason and the only purpose i was living. Whatever that is left of me after that heartbreaking failure was buried with my father in his grave.

I was doomed. But i can't end my life. I just can't. My father will be surprised if we see each other in the afterlife that soon. I wake up in the morning, prep myself, stuff myself againts the morning rush, bury myself to work, punch out, brave the traffic, reach for my bed, close my eyes sleep and repeat that cycle all over.

Until i stumble accross this preach in the middle of a pandemic:

Year 2020 i was not hoping for anything for this year. Good or bad i will face it. I have to face it since i have no other choice. But here's a plot twist. This is the year i ticked one of my goals in life: life insurance for my mother. Its no big deal for everyone. But im not the type of person who would jump into investment quickly especially with life insurance with 10 years of paying commitment. After life insurance i found myself signing an agreement purchasing a house. Not a big house but a house whose equity fit my budget. Then goes stock market. Part of my salary goes to stock market. All of this happening in 2020. And when i look back i finally realize so this is it?

Is this why God kept me waiting? So all those years that im complaining God was planning something Big for me. Maybe God was telling me that my time will come i was just too busy to notice that. God break me and shattered me into pieces. Takes away my dream, call back in heaven those that are dearest to me. He did that on a purpose. He did that because he has a plan. Im still confused and still can't figure out why now why only now. My father would be happy seing me tick off my bucket list. I hope He's seeing me from up above and i hope He and Nanay are proud of me. From this i know that next time im having a hard time understanding events around me i will lift it up to the Almigthy and let Him