#And I hate how as I get older the episodes get worse

[astral-catastrophe]

Loosing my marbles and my mind and my shit and I am so done

[very-lost-hobbit]

the K-Drama Save Me is SO good- the character writing, the acting, the cinematography? *chef's kiss*!!!!!!!! It's a heavy and emotional watch, but if you have the time and energy for a 16 episode series I definitely recommend it! 👍 The summary on Tubi is a little funny though, it lures you in with the promise of four precocious young men and then you realize just how many characters are a part of this

[winterrain-11]

some more gravity falls hcs :3

(a lot of these are sad)

cw for drug use, mentions of abuse, major character death, and other such depressing things

- mabel starts swearing like a sailor after the summer (ik that stan made an effort not to swear around the kids, but i don’t think ford did, and it made stan’s filter slip more) and gets in trouble for it at home. when stan finds out he tries to hard to pretend to be mad but he’s lowkey proud

- the twins have to fight tooth and nail to teach their grunkles to use a cellphone, especially facetime. they eventually get the hang of it, but the first few months at sea were two hour facetimes of the grunkle’s chins just bickering at each other and assorted “how’s it hanging pumpkin? how’s school?”

- stan and ford watched westerns nonstop as kids (though ford was more into star trek and doctor who) and they played cowboys often. stan was OBSESSED with cowboys and briefly tried to work as a ranch hand while he was homeless in his 20s

- dipper and mabel have a love/hate relationship with cw’s supernatural. mabel thinks the boys are hot and is definitely a destiel shipper. dipper loves the genuine supernatural-ness of the early seasons and now still watches it kind of as a joke but also because mabel got him on the destiel train. the last two episodes ruined their lives.

- the twins have opposite reactions to weed. it makes ford’s paranoia really bad and makes him nauseous, but it makes stan’s adhd brain quiet for once and allows him to relax for once. when dipper and mabel get older, they have very similar reactions. when stan catches mabel smoking, he tries to be responsible about it and tell her that smoking is bad for her and to not end up like him, but eventually they just smoke together on occasion.

- mabel is significantly better at guessing plot twists than dipper (in books, movies etc) and dipper DESPISES this fact (i think it’s the same for the stan twins too tbh)

- stan dies first, ford dies almost exactly a year later.

- stan picks up guitar while he’s homeless, uses it to make a bit of money on street sides. he teaches mabel in her teen years when his hands get to old to play.

- when ford and fiddleford rekindle, stan and fiddleford bond over regaining memory. they both relearn their instruments together (guitar and banjo respectively) and enjoy singing along to old outlaw country and appalachian folk rock (stan picked it up in his travels).

- (cont.) ford suggests music because it’s known to help dementia and alzheimer’s patients with regaining memories, and while that’s true, he really more just enjoys seeing his two favorite people happy again.

- both ford and stan think the other voted for trump (2016), neither of them did. stan thought hilary was hot (and thought trump was a loser) and ford voted third party (sorry he gives me centrist vibes). i imagine they both vote dem in 2020 and 2024 because they see trump as a much worse conman/asshole and a narcissistic sociopath respectively.

- (cont.) the twins have heard the stan’s complain about the other’s political ideologies and know that they vote the same but refuse to tell the other. wendy is also in on this and they all have to tackle soos on several occasions to keep him quiet before election day.

- nate and lee definitely explored each other’s bodies and when they finally came out to the friend group everyone was super confused because they assumed that they had been dating for years

- ford has a very addictive personality. while stanley does too, he can restrain himself (doesn’t smoke or drink around the kids, doesn’t lose himself in gambling), ford picks up smoking on the stan-o-war II and doesn’t stop until he dies. Stan has refused to go to Vegas with him even though ford begs, but stan knows an addict when he sees one. ford never acknowledges his problem.

- stan doesn’t tell ford about his homelessness and abuse at the hands of his father/pimps/drug lords until they’re several months deep on the stan-o-war II and certain things start to trigger his PTSD. Ford listens and opens up about his abuse under Bill and his life of crime in the multiverse. they definitely cry together for a long time.

- (cont.) Stan only tells the kids when they’re in college. mabel self destructs a bit during this period trying desperately to find herself and stan is terrified that she’ll go down his path of dangerous desperation for self-worth and wants her to know that he knows how she feels, they grow even closer because of this.

- stan did drag for a short period of time around the southwest in his homelessness. at first he was forced to do it to be degraded, but once he got his autonomy back, he began to do it on his own accord and really enjoyed it/was really good at it. he tried to convince himself that ‘he wasn’t queer or anything’ and was just doing it for the money, but he never really fully believed that. (where he learned to wear a girdle)

- once again. stan wanted to be a cowboy so bad okay i know this in my heart of hearts. this man LOVES clint eastwood and johnny cash and RAHHHH i know it.

[ladykakata]

"Why does Ian not believe Mickey loves him after everything they have been through?" Because Ian has a mental illness, and mental illnesses tend to lie to you

"But Mickey loves him"

He knows that. He genuinely knows that. But, again, his brain is lying to him. I don't have bipolar disorder, but I do have other conditions, and I can say 100% that when your brain doesn't work correctly, it tends to flip out and think people hate you. Or that people won't like you when you're having an episode. It convinces you that you are a bad person, that you are unlovable, and circumstances outside your control can just compound that. Ian IS loved, his best friend is his older brother Lip, he has friends and colleagues that respect him and even followers for a while. But he also grew up in a home with a largely absent mother and an abusive father* who mentally, emotionally and physically lashed out at him. Those circumstances just make the inherited risk factor he has coming from Monica even worse.

Mickey is hurt and confused that Ian thinks like that. Has he not proven time and time again he's fiercely, deeply in love with his redhead? He sure has, and he's demonstrated so many vurnerable parts of his psyche to him. So to hear Ian suddenly question his love for him, when Ian MEANS it to mean 'are you sure you love all parts of me, including the parts that are unwell?', it just feels like a slap in the face. I let you under my skin, man, how much will it take to prove it?

It's neither man's fault. And thankfully Ian realises that no matter what, he loves Mickey and can't do without him, and Mickey is just as willing to get back together. Neither are bad people in this regard. Both are entitled to their feelings. I just feel that, for all the praise Mickey's character gets, not enough people really pick up on the side-effects of Ian's disorder, including that horrible little feeling that no-one really likes you and they're just being polite/they are lying to you.

(*I mean Frank. I KNOW technically Clayton is Ian's biological father, but Ian rejected this information and Frank seems to have forgotten it as well to put things back the way they were. If everyone is keen to throw that information away and never bring it up again, I see no reason to split hairs either)

[punkeropercyjackson]

The treatment of Momo by Bnha fans is fucking horrifying.Within canon while it's true Horikoshi sexualizes her,it's still said multiple times she's still a child-Aizawa literally SAID she's still mentally a 15 year old girl and rn she's only 16.In the same episode,Shouto recognizes he's been accidentally been ignoring her emotional needs and feels awful about so he makes it up to her with the 'One of those vote's was mine!' speech and always looking out for and taking care of her from then on because he thinks she deserves it and loves her as a person.It's also canon Momo is as is important to him as Izuku is,hates Bakugou due to his extreme toxic masculinity,wasn't allowed to be a real kid to be raised to be the perfect proper lady instead,has her own unique diverse dynamics with other girls and gets anxiety attacks when treated as older than she is

And YET.Everybody calls her a mom.She gets defanged of her 'silk hiding steel' archetype to replace it with her being a doormart in female form,which is what society thinks women should be.Her goofy silly side that comes out when she's happy like the 'bouncy Momo' moment when her classmates asked her for help with classes and she took it as an excuse to bring them over to her house because she's just a little girl who wanted to play with her friends is completely erased to make her the wet blanket.Her naivetee is flanderized from not understanding social norms and normal teenage girls to her being essentially born sexy yesterday.Todomomo is downplayed nonstop with the 'cisheteronormativity' excuse by white gays who don't know what trans love is and that Momo is as autistic-coded as Shouto because they think autism is a boydisorder.Todomomo is considered a Bakugou involved triangle,the ONLY guy Momo's age she actively hates and that told Shouto he dosen't care he was abused and treats him that way too with zero remorse for either.Her girl ships are turned into background token wlw for the creators to prove they're not misogynists only to out themselves as deadass lesbophobes.Dadzawa and Momo gets jackshit and so does Fatgum Intern Momo despite all the posts she should've been one with the 'women❤that's enough feminism for today i think' ahh beat.All the her and Dabi content is him being a pedophile as he's not literally a child by r*pe who hates his dad for being abusive and as if they don't have tons of potential for being platonic soulmates and found siblings,including that Momo's love interest is Dabi's little brother so they'd literally be in-laws so it all comes together and i've met exactly one person that recognizes the sisterly potential with her and Himiko and nobody's ever brought the parallel between Shouto and Himiko becoming obsessed with Momo and Ochako for the same reason(their specific hero skills)but the stark contrast in dynamics

It's INSANE the way she's potrayed in fanon vs how she actually is and her untappedness that has so much range.Bnha fans not only saw the misogyny and treated it as a part of it instead of a flaw but somehow made it WORSE.LIKE WAY WORSE,FOR MOMO MOST OF ALL!!!!!!Y'all ain't ever making it out of the patriarchy

[just-queue]

Listen, I really hate the writers of tua for forcing a freshly legal Aidan to have a romance subplot with Ritu, his coworker who’s older than him and has known him since he was a minor. That feels so icky and gross.

I also believe that Five and Lila’s characters fully acted IN character given their situation.

Lila and Five have similar-enough backstory trauma of family issues, being trained assassins/spies, working with the company, etc. When you’re trapped with someone for literal YEARS, just the two of you, with an increasing sense of dread and despair and hopelessness, you’re going to connect with them in a deep way. And their shared traumas would help them understand each other even more. Another point is they both are comfortable with the whole “mentally I’m this age physically I’m this age” thing after working on a company that really fucks around with time stuff for years.

As for Five initially hiding information from Lila (which was very messed up) about how to get back, we must remember that Five is morally gray and fucking TIRED. TIRED. Like remember at the end of s3 when he didn’t want to “rally the troops” again cause they kept making it worse, he just wanted to get shit faced and wait for the end?

Yes he spent 40+ years in the apocalypse alone, became an assassin to get home to his family, spent a month straight trying to stop said apocalypse, then spent years realizing he’s forever fucked up because of his drastic body/mental age difference (do you really think mentally old man Five would date/relate with kids his physical age? That’s lonely as hell), only to find himself trapped AGAIN at the end of the world? He somehow found a way to scrape out some semblance of a happy life for himself, no wonder he wouldn’t instinctively want to go back.

I think if we had those 4 extra episodes, many aspects of s4 would be better, including the fivexlila subplot. We’d get a better understanding of their despair and hopelessness that led to their romance. I also think all romance should have gone away between Five x Lila when they got back. Like agree it was a thing out of convenience/situation and needs to stay in that subway. Outside of that, focus on saving the world should be number one priority.

But even with all of that, I still don’t like it cause in reality, having the actors do those scenes is so icky and uncomfortable. That didn’t need to be a plot point, five could have been trapped with someone else or added a third or SOMETHING. No one asked for it.

I don’t dislike the characters choices, I hate the WRITERS choices.

quick edit after re-watching: I also think Lila was in character during the subway time. Like she probably did feel seen and understood by Five, she is also known for running away from big feelings/problems, so when she had no clue they could get home, I could see her falling into the happy life. Plus the shit that bothered Lila the most at home was SUBURBAN life. Not necessarily mellow life. Plus Five and Lila were still surviving which is much more “adventurous” than organizing a child’s birthday party at an arcade.

[lost-in-fandoms]

An ugly Betty Maxiel au would hit so badly

hello anon!!!! I have to say, I never was a big ugly betty fan so I only have vague memories of it from the few episodes i watched with my sister, but I had a good think about this while in the shower and this is what my brain came up with.

Daniel inherits his father's company, even if he was never meant to. maybe he had been traveling around the world, or being a musician or an influencer idk whatever he felt like doing, but he's called back for some reason and he has to take over. and his family is scared he's gonna run it into the ground because he only thinks about what's fun and not what's best so they give him max (who had already been working in the company and is like...an accountant or something) as an assistant.

and they do NOT click at all, max is sooo boring and straight laced and wants daniel to do things like go to meetings or worse, listen to meetings?? and he's always talking about "researching sustainable resources" and "looking into more profitable markets" and daniel just does not care okay?

and then my brain stuttered a little because how do i fix them from here? because i do not remember the show enough to let it do it for me. and i thought maybe daniel drags max to some sort of party during working hours and max is uncomfortable and keeps trying to make him leave, but daniel forces a couple of drinks in him and somehow they end up at daniel's house, both a little buzzed, talking about their dreams. daniel talks about wanting to see the world, be his own person instead of his father's son. max talks about bettering the world, wanting to transform the way things work, even if it is one company choice at a time. and they understand each other better after that and start to work together.

and then they start falling in love.

BUT THEN!!! (and here is the plot twist dear anon) my brain said: why not reverse ugly betty AU? (i bet there is like...a movie/tv show i could reference for this but it's 2:30 am give me a break)

max who has been raised to take over his father's company. it's all he wants and knows how to do. when he does take over, he throws himself completely in it, runs it like a military camp, profits go up but so does the rate in which they have to hire new people because everyone keeps running away. and his mother and sister are worried about him, because he's so young and all he does is work work work, no more hanging out with friends, no more playing video games, zero drinking, zero fun.

and so they trick him into hiring daniel as his personal assistant. maybe victoria knows daniel through someone else, or she gets lando to give her the name of his most extravagant acquaintance. and daniel is. quite different from max. he likes to party, to live his life. he's older and never held the same job from more than a year. he's lived on people's couches multiple times before. he's moved several times in his life just because he got bored of the place.

max hates him. daniel is a terrible assistant, keeps trying to schedule breaks in his days???? cuts meetings shorts when they run over working hours? forces him to go have drinks after work????? and is always chatting and touching him and forcing him to "take the scenic route" instead of the most direct one.

he doesn't realise daniel had seen a sad kid and decided to help him. he doesn't realise it's working until he starts softening up, both at work and in his personal life.

and then they fall in love!

bestie this was very fun to think about thank you for sending this ask! and i am sorry if this isn't exactly what you were thinking about but as i said i am not an ugly betty connoisseur.

[regulusmoonbeam]

hate me if u must but regulus who has rlly drastic emotional episodes will always be real in my heart

(also sirius and james having similar ones. shhh)

theres days where regulus isnt his normal quiet self. hes loud, laughing, wanting to do stuff.

and at first, you think this is fun! the regulus black wanting to have all the fun times in the world? score!

but then you look him in the eyes.

regulus has greyish blue eyes. its a black family trait. but when looked in the eyes on these days? they are almost black from how large his pupils get.

sirius, ever the sibling she is, has dubbed these his "manic eyes."

its been happening his whole life. in reverse, when he was young. he was a very talkative kid! but he would sometimes just.. shut down.

it got worse as he got older, the fast switching emotions.

happy, angry, sad.

happy, angry, depressed.

sad, angry, on top of the world.

and after those "manic eyed episodes", he would have drops.

he would become a recluse. depressed, withered away. this state could last anywhere from an hour to a week, and nobody knew what to expect.

yes, it was terrifying the first time you saw it happen.

but what do i know.....😈😈

[hotdaemondtargaryen]

(CONTAINS SPOILERS FROM THE BOOK ‘FIRE & BLOOD’ + HOTD S2 AND S3)

GEORGE R.R. MARTIN reflects on the first two episodes of ‘house of the dragon’ s2: blood & cheese and maelor the missing.

those were terrific episodes.

“Well written, well directed, powerfully acted.”

“A great way to kick off the new season.”

“Fans and critics alike seemed to agree.”

“There was only one aspect of the episodes that drew significant criticism: the handling of Blood and Cheese, and the death of Prince Jaehaerys.”

in the book ‘fire & blood.’

“Aegon and Helaena have three children, not two.”

“The twins, Jaehaerys and Jaehaera, are six years old.”

“They have a younger brother, Maelor, who is two.”

“When Blood and Cheese break in on Helaena and the kids, they tell her they are debt collectors come to exact revenge for the death of Prince Lucerys: a son for a son.”

“As Helaena has two sons, however, they demand that she choose which one should die.”

“She resists and offers her own life instead, but the killers insist it has to be a son.”

“If she does not name one, they will kill all three of the children.”

“To save the life of the twins, Helaena names Maelor.”

“But Blood kills the older boy, Jaehaerys, instead, while Cheese tells little Maelor that his mother wanted him dead (Whether the boy is old enough to understand that is not at all certain).”

“It is a bloody, brutal scene, no doubt.”

“How not? An innocent child is being butchered in front of his mother.”

“I still believe the scene in the book is stronger.”

“The readers have the right of that.”

“The two killers are crueler in the book.”

“I thought the actors who played the killers on the show were excellent … but the characters are crueler, harder, and more frightening in FIRE & BLOOD.”

in the show ‘house of the dragon.’

“Blood is a gold cloak.”

“In the book, he is a former gold cloak, stripped of his office for beating a woman to death.”

“Book! Blood is the sort of man who might think making a woman choose which of her sons should die is amusing, especially when they double down on the wanton cruelty by murdering the boy she tries to save.”

“Book! Cheese is worse too; he does not kick a dog, true, but he does not have a dog, and he’s the one who tells Maelor that his mom wants him head.”

“I would also suggest that Helaena shows more courage, more strength in the book, by offering her own own life to save her son.”

“Offering a piece of jewelry is just not the same.”

“As I saw it, the ‘Sophie’s Choice’ aspect was the strongest part of the sequence, the darkest, the most visceral.”

“I hated to lose that.”

“And judging from the comments on line, most of the fans seemed to agree.”

on ryan condal's decision to make changes to blood and cheese.

“When Ryan Condal first told me what he meant to do, ages ago (back in 2022, might be).”

“I argued against it, for all these reasons.”

“I did not argue long, or with much heat, however.”

“The change weakened the sequence, I felt, but only a bit.”

“And Ryan had what seemed to be practical reasons for it; they did not want to deal with casting another child, especially a two-year old toddler.”

“Kids that young will inevitably slow down production, and there would be budget implications.”

“Budget was already an issue on HOUSE OF THE DRAGON, it made sense to save money wherever we could.”

“Moreover, Ryan assured me that we were not losing Prince Maelor, simply postponing him.”

“Queen Helaena could still give birth to him in season three, presumably after getting with child late in season two.”

“That made sense to me, so I withdrew my objections and acquiesced to the change.”

“if you have never read FIRE & BLOOD, maybe it does not matter, because all i am going to ‘spoil’ here are things that happen in the book that may NEVER happen on the series. starting with maelor himself.”

“Sometime between the initial decision to remove Maelor, a big change was made.”

“The prince’s birth was no longer just going to be pushed back to season 3.”

“He was never going to be born at all.”

“The younger son of Aegon and Helaena would never appear.”

the butterfly effect.

“Maelor is a two year old toddler in FIRE & BLOOD, but like our butterfly he has an impact on the story all out of proportion to his size.”

“The readers among you may recall that when it appears that Rhaenyra and her blacks are about to capture King’s Landing, Queen Alicent becomes concerned for the safety of Helaena’s remaining children, and takes steps to save them by smuggling them out of the city.”

“The task is given is two knights of the Kingsguard.”

“Ser Willis Fell is commanded to deliver Princess Jaehaera to the Baratheons at Storm’s End, while Maelor is given over to Ser Rickard Thorne to be escorted across the Mander to the protection of the Hightower army on its way to King’s Landing.”

“Willis Fell delivers Jaehaera safely to the Baratheons at Storm’s End, but Ser Rickard fares less well.”

“He and Maelor get as far as Bitterbridge, where he is revealed as a Kingsuard in a tavern called the Hogs Head.”

“Once discovered, Ser Rickard fights bravely to protect his young charge and bring him to safety, but he does not even make it across the bridge before some crossbows bring him down, Prince Maelor is torn from his arms.. and then, sadly, ripped to pieces by the mob fighting over the boy and the huge reward that Rhaenyra has offered for his capture and return.”

“Will any of that appear on the show?”

“Maybe… but I don’t see how.”

“The butterflies would seem to prohibit it.”

“You could perhaps make Ser Rickard’s ward be Jaehaera instead of Maelor, but Jaehaera can’t be killed, she has a huge role to play as Aegon’s next heir.”

“Could maybe make Maelor a newborn instead of a two year old, but that would scramble up the timeline, which is a bit of a mess already.”

“I have no idea what Ryan has planned — if indeed he has planned anything — but given Maelor’s absence from episode 2, the simplest way to proceed would be just to drop him entirely, lose the bit where Alicent tries to send the kids to safety, drop Rickard Thorne or send him with Willis Fell so Jaehaera has two guards.”

“From what I know, that seems to be what Ryan is doing here.”

“It’s simplest, yes, and may make sense in terms of budgets and shooting schedules.”

“But simpler is not better.”

“The Bitterbridge scene has tension, suspense, action, bloodshed, a bit of heroism and a lot of tragedy.”

“Rickard Thorne is a tertiary character at best, most viewers (as opposed to readers) will never know he is gone, since they never knew him at all… but I rather liked giving him his brief moment of heroism, a taste of the courage and loyalty of the Kingsguard, regardless of whether they are black or green.”

“The butterflies are not done with us yet, however.”

“In the book, when word of Prince Maelor’s death and the grisly manner of his passing (pp. 505) reaches the Red Keep, that proves to be the thing that drives Queen Helaena to suicide.”

“She could barely stand to look at Maelor, knowing that she chose him to die in the ‘Sophie’s Choice’ scene… and now he is dead in truth, her words having come true.”

“The grief and guilt are too much for her to bear.”

spoilers! hotd season 3 & 4.

“In Ryan’s outline for season 3, Helaena still kills herself… for no particular reason.”

“There is no fresh horror, no triggering event to overwhelm the fragile young queen.”

“And the final butterfly follows soon thereafter.”

“And there are larger and more toxic butterflies to come, if HOUSE OF THE DRAGON goes ahead with some of the changes being contemplated for seasons 3 and 4…”

book! death of helaena and rhaenyra.

“Queen Helaena, a sweet and gentle soul, is much beloved by the smallfolk of King’s Landing.”

“Rhaenyra was not, so when rumors began to arise that Helaena did not kill herself, but rather was murdered at Rhaenyra’s command, the commons are quick to believe them.”

“That night King’s Landing rose in bloody riot,” I wrote on p. 506 of FIRE & BLOOD.

“It is the beginning of the end for Rhaenyra’s rule over the city, ultimately leading to the Storming of the Dragonpit and the rise of the Shepherd’s mob that drives Rhaenyra to flee the city and return to Dragonstone… and her death.”

the butterfly effect of maelor's death.

“Maelor by himself means little.”

“He is a small child, does not have a line of dialogue, does nothing of consequence but die… but where and when and how, that does matter.”

“Losing Maelor weakened the end of the Blood and Cheese sequence, but it also cost us the Bitterbridge scene with all its horror and heroism, it undercut the motivation for Helaena’s suicide, and that in turn sent thousands into the streets and alleys, screaming for justice for their ‘murdered’ queen.”

“None of that is essential, I suppose… but all of it does serve a purpose, it all helps to tie the story lines together, so one thing follows another in a logical and convincing manner.”

[pendragonsclotpole]

I need to preface this post with the fact that I’ve been aware of Supernatural for as long as I’ve known what the terms fanfiction and fandom mean. It’s one of those pop culture moments that’s existed on the periphery of my mind as something really beloved and bemoaned about by people on the internet, but it’s never been something I really cared about outside of some iconic memes.

For the past four days, I’ve been watching Supernatural non-stop in my free time. I think I sat through eight episodes straight on one of those days, and I just have to say, the show is phenomenal.

I don’t know where to start, I could make a dozen of these posts about various points throughout the first two seasons and it still wouldn’t be enough. I’ve now taken a break at episode one of season three, because now that it’s a weekday I have work and can’t dedicate the time I could on the weekend.

First, Jared Padalecki’s acting is so beautiful and poignant and emotional. He really makes Sam Winchester into the bleeding heart of the whole show, and the entire time he’s on screen I worry about Sam. His portrayal of Sam’s heartbreak and desperation at Dean’s impending death after the car crash, as well as Sam’s horror at the reveal of what John told Dean before dying held a tragic desperation and denial that really embodied what the character represented in the first two seasons. Even as a hunter and with his special abilities, Sam felt like a quasi self-insert for the audience. I don’t mean that in a bad or overly tropey way, but in the way that he felt robbed of a proper childhood in favor of his father’s crusade. Sam is the angry, indignant younger sibling who never bore the brunt of responsibility like the older sibling did and it shows. In some ways, it makes him more entitled—I don’t mean that Sam does not have the right to be angry with John Winchester. He does. Fuck John Winchester. I mean entitled in the unintentional, coincidental way that your little brother or sister always demands the things you never had or rebels against the authority of the parent without ever dealing with the consequences you did as the older sibling. It reveals the veneer of freedom he had and the protection he received by virtue of his place in the Winchester Family. For me, it made him unbearably real, and this feeling of realness was made worse by the genuine naivety and innocence he keeps even as he continually gets screwed over by the demons. There’s a steadfast belief in the goodness of others within Sam that often conflicts with the sense of goodness he believes he lacks.

Sam trusts so easily, but he understands people in ways that should be antithetical to his upbringing. It took me forever to reconcile why he seemed so familiar, until I realized that Sam Winchester, for all that he was one of John Winchester’s son, had received the unconditional love of an older sibling for his entire childhood.

I don’t mean the perfect, kind, healthy love that often exists between fictional siblings. Too often I’ve watched media that makes me wonder how siblings like that even exist, or conversely, made me glad my siblings weren’t so fucked up.

I mean the kind of platonic love that exists between siblings living in the liminal space of love and hate thanks to the single fucked up connection that draws them back together continuously out of some sense of duty or commiseration or the need to be understood.

I mean the kind of love between siblings that would wither away when in a perfect world that does not stake their survival on their codependence of each other, but that in an imperfect and real world is equated to familiarity. Sam and Dean against the world—against John Winchester.

Out of all of the episodes I’ve watched in the last day and a half, perhaps the one that struck me most was episode 20, Season 2. What is and What Should Never Be. Not only was the title a bit of emotional whiplash—the juxtaposition of Should and Never lending a finality or a sense of wrongness that can’t be replicated by the words “Could Never—but we see Dean and Sam in a world where their one connection, hunting, has completely vanished and at a high cost to all the people they’ve saved, but mostly to Sam and Dean themselves. They’re connection as ride or die brothers is gone, replaced by an ostensibly better, healthier, more normal future liberated from the expectations of the rest of the world.

Without the death of Mary Winchester, Dean and Sam are no longer Dean and Sam. They’re just two people, connected by the two people that raised them, and likely to drift apart after that connection dies—frayed ends of a tapestry pulling apart and unraveling. Dean gains a mom and a normal life, but metaphorically loses a brother and a sense of purpose. Who is Dean Winchester if he’s not a hunter and Sam’s brother? And the sad thing is, neither of these are traits Dean ever chose. They are conditions foisted upon him, perhaps not intentionally, such as in the case of Sam, but ultimately placed on his soul until they tethered themselves to the very core of what being Dean Winchester is supposed to mean. The end of the episode, and Dean’s choice to return to the real world, regardless of Sam waking him up, is Dean fully giving up his dream in order to save Sam and be a hunter. The fallacy of the episode is in the choice Dean makes, which the more I think about it, feels less like a choice and more of an inevitability but one compounded by Dean’s readiness and willingness to go with it.

This is where I get to the crux of my surprise with these first early seasons of Supernatural: Dean Motherfucking Winchester.

I don’t know what I was expecting from early seasons of Supernatural, especially with the context of the later seasons. Maybe an overly cheesy, early 2000s ode to roadtrip Americana with a self-reverential take on the classic gun slinging frontiersman of the Wild West and bad supernatural CGI. Not to say it isn’t that (shout out to Sam’s comment on Dean’s particular brand of butch), but what surprised me was how real the connection between the characters was manifested on screen and how much good will the show built up in the audience. There came a point where I sided with Dean so much in the events of the show that I felt like I was riding shotgun in the impala. I saw it with every compliant “yes, sir” he gave to John, with every teasing comment he threw at Sam, and with every act of selflessness he exhibited by protecting other people. This isn’t to say that Dean is perfect. Sometimes he doesn’t take things seriously enough, or he’s willing to sacrifice people for some misguided greater good, or he’s obsessed with saving Sam even when he wouldn’t be if it were anyone else, but Dean has a conviction so many people lack. He has the capacity to love at a great cost to himself, either because he believes himself unworthy of being loved or because he’s not used to anything else.

Jensen Ackles does such a good job at this portrayal and with such a different technique than Jared Padalecki. Ackles embodies the desperate need for self-assuredness that Dean breathes, as well as the genuine fear he has of being seen. I love laughing with Dean as much as I love screaming at him for how stupid he’s being. If Sam is the self-insert, then Dean is the tragic hero, although that comparison feels like a poor facsimile for what Dean Winchester truly is because I don’t particularly feel an overwhelming sense of pity at his state or at his hinted downfall with that demon deal. If anything, I feel a sense of indignation mixed with understanding and frustration that Dean can’t catch a break but at the end of it all, is just how he prefers it.

It shouldn’t be a shock to admit that even without knowing what happens from seasons 3 to 15, I know how Supernatural ends. Just thinking about the ending makes me wonder if I should even continue it past season 5, but that’s a decision for another time.

For now, there’s something unbearably tragic in seeing Dean Winchester so close to a chance of a normal life and apple pie happiness (something he really seems to desire no matter how much he denies it) and then having to give it up, not just because it’s not real, but because he believes it should never be real.

Dean Winchester deserves better.

[red-might-be-dead]

hello hi here to force strange thoughts into your brain once again, this time about jrwi (wow who could’ve guessed)

been thinking about this for a little but it’s basically what i think some campaigns would be if not podcasts, i haven’t listened to some of the older ones so i’m sorry they’re not on here :(( if you have any ideas feel free to add them btw :DD

RIPTIDE!!!!! - really long animated series

not an anime though, no matter how much grizzly wants it, it would be an animation style where the characters could have very clearly different nose, face and body shapes, really pushing my riptide nose agenda here sorry, each episode would be like 20-40 minutes long and instead of coming out in seasons there would be massive gaps in between episodes, from 2-6 months long, to leave time for writers and animators to get stuff done (massive team of animators btw, i feel like it would be pretty successful)

PRIME DEFENDERS!! - comics

literally nothing else they could be, just really well made, well performing comics (i’ve already talked about this before you can stalk my talk tag if you really want to find it lmao), the comic company making them would be keeping well away from movies n shit btw

APOTHEOSIS!!! - i wasn’t really sure about this one to be honest

i had to ask my friend and she said anime which i don’t agree with but i can see it, i think maybe a short book series where each book is 150 - 300 pages and is about a different god they have to kill/a different episode, i think that works but if anyone has any better ideas please tell me :D!!

BLOOD IN THE BAYOU!!! - i hate to say it, i really do…

bitb would be a really long really good 80s horror book with strong homoerotic undertones, a satisfied fanbase and lots of active members in the community making fan comics, films, writing, theories and art ect… until well after the book came out……….. and then it would be made into the most egregious and awful live action movie you have ever seen, the most awful casting (like chris pratt as officer dudes….. throws up) and even worse sfx, oh yeah and the characters would be ruined and the story would become so butchered it wouldn’t make sense, they would do some shit like cut out becky so kian just kisses some random lady (removing both a really good and well written character and a layer of kian’s character that i think is super important) and make rolan really be an evil bug spy the whole time so rand has to kill him to save the town also add in a whole new sub plot that never existed like the rand family is secretly a long line of bug alien hunters or something fucking stupid like that and the entire fanbase would murder whoever thought re-writing the story was a good idea (ahaha can you tell ive been through something like this before ahahaha, character morals and motives being removed and whatnot ahahahhahahaha.)

anyways………

THE SUCKENING!!! - live action series

it would be well made though, unlike the bitb movie it would be its own original thing, have great makeup and effects also be well casted and well shot, well written, ect ect, it would bloody and gory and not suitable for people who can’t handle showing bones and organs all over everywhere, lots of shitty rip off merch would be made though and the fandom would be 99% gay little freaks (normal suckening enjoyers) and 1% homophobic straight white men who get mad whenever they see soda and emizel having gay sex on screen or whatever fag shit that biting thing was

again feel free to add your thoughts and ideas and shit in the reblogs it would be nice to read them :DD!!

[lloydfrontera]

EXCUSE ME SIR WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

this is literally not true what the hell is lee hyumnin doing

this whole conversation was completely out of character for both of them. in the novel og lloyd is way more crass and rude the entire time, he doesn't even ask about julian himself and he never expresses any regret or apologizes for anything he did out loud.

and he absolutely hates javier. i cannot emphasize this enough, it is never even hinted at that og lloyd ever cared the slightest about javier. nevermind that he wanted to be his friend or felt sorry about breaking his sword and harassing him as kids.

"Fine. Let's hurry. I never liked that jerk anyway. I don't want to bump into him"

"You don't like him?"

"No." Ghost Frontera nodded at Lloyd's question. And in the most obvious tone, Ghost Frontera retorted, "It's not fair for a human to look like that. I hate him. I feel like life is cheating me whenever I see him, and it pisses me off. I've been in a bad mood ever since my father put that bastard on my side to guard me."

does this sound like a man who just "wanted to become friends with him"??

this is history revisionism and i won't stand for it!!/j

and like. does this really look like a kid who just wants to be friends

like. does it.

again javier is six years old here. he saw his parents die in front of him a year ago and then spent an entire winter on the streets fending for himself and is just now finally settling into a new place that was supposed to be safe for him

he looked like this

look at him. he's a baby.

they're not even the same age!! og lloyd is five years older!! there was never a point in their relationship where og lloyd wasn't just a bigger and older kid harassing a child five years his junior!!

and he didn't feel sorry about it. at least not enough to make amends or even apologize.

and the problem with making og lloyd more sympathetic is that it undercuts just how much he'd fucked up. it makes it look like it was just a misunderstanding and that everyone should've just tried a little bit harder to understand him when no!!! they did try they did love him he just didn't care about it!!

and it's especially egregious when the webcomic seems hellbent in making lloyd look like a total dickhead at every moment possible!

making him kick og lloyd into the reincarnation gate??? telling him he sounded pathetic and didn't want to hear him for another second????why are you making your protagonist so fucking unlikable??? what's the fucking purpose of that???? how come the character that acts like a total asshole in the novel gets to be sympathetic in the adaptation but not your fucking main protagonist??????

that's the main issue actually! making og lloyd more sympathetic always seems to be at the cost of making everyone else look worse which fucking sucks!! because he's not meant to be like that!!! that's not the point of his character!!!

not to mention that they completely rewrote og lloyd's wish to not be born as a human in his next life??? like??? at this point you're just. making shit up. not even trying to follow the original source.

this episode was just. bad. nothing i can really rescue about it it's straight up just a bad adaptation

i hate it here lmao

[creedslove]

Whiskey Intoxication 🥃

Agent Whiskey (Jack Daniels) x f!agent!reader

He's intoxicating, you want him even if it's not healthy, but there's one problem: he doesn't like you 🥃

Summary: you can't help but feel jealous of Whiskey when he sleeps with his target instead of just getting information

Warnings: angst, jealousy, jealous!reader, mentions of smut, unrequited feelings, age gap (not specified, but Whiskey is older than you), sort of depressed Whiskey

A/N: I had this idea after the frustrating attempts I had of roleplaying with Whiskey characters on c.ai; it just didn't work, but I at least this one shot came out of it, lol!

1.8k words

You paced the room, looking out the window and watching the glaring lights from the city at night; checking the time, it read half past midnight and Whiskey still wasn't back. Knowing damn well where he was and what he was doing you shook your head, finally getting rid of your party dress, kicking your heels off and getting on the couch. The hotel room was comfortable, large and fancy, but it felt so empty and the fact your partner hadn't been back only made it worse. It hadn't been long since you started being paired up with Whiskey on missions. It had always been fun and exciting to go on missions with senior Agent Whiskey. He was experienced, fun, and so great at fighting, you were always safe and all your mission results were successful. For quite a while, it had been your favorite kind of job, that was until you noticed Whiskey's usual flirt actually made you giggle, and that his eyes would roam all over your body whenever you were dressed up to go undercover or you would have to hold hands, wear fake wedding rings and occasionally exchange a peck on the lips in public in order to make your cover even more believable, but when you noticed you suddenly felt butterflies in your stomach whenever he was around, how your palms were sweaty and that your heart raced the moment that damn cowboy shot you a beautiful smile. 

Just as your heart clenched every time he gave some other woman the same kind of attention, how he flirted with them, charmed them, placed his hand on their knee at a bar stool or times like these, where he chose to straight up sleep with the target instead of just getting all the information he could and get out as fast as possible. You hated how you never got to be one of Whiskey's girls, perhaps because you wanted to be more than just one night stand. He knew that, he heard you multiple times talking about your desire of having roots, building a family and all that cliche. For a while, you thought you and Jack were the same, judging by the stories you heard about his background you had figured he would want to have a second chance, but you just guessed he didn't. Perhaps the trauma of losing it all was enough for him to make up his mind and decide he didn't want it anymore, it kind of made sense to you why he was just sleeping from woman to woman without any emotional attachments. 

Another situation that really hurt you, was to know that you almost became one of them; it was during your mission to England, you, Jack and the other agent from Kingsman had to go undercover in a music festival, which was actually a pleasant surprise, if it weren't for the fact Jack had been turned down by the target in a way it really embarrassed him, perhaps it started a midlife crisis, you wouldn't be able to tell, but the reality was that in no time you and Jack were back at the hotel, he had your body pressed against the wall as you were both making out inside the elevator. You would probably never forget how your body felt on fire at his mere touch. His cologne lingering on your body, his lips on yours and then on your neck. It was all intoxicating. It was addictive… and just as it had started, it had ended just as abruptly. He let go of your body and cleared his throat, feeling suddenly embarrassed and went straight to his room. After that certain episode, he hadn't said anything else, and you were forced to do the same, pretending it never happened, though your heart and your body ached for another one of his devilish touches. 

You pulled a blanket over your body and sighed at the desperation that grew in your chest. What the hell was going on with you? How could your feelings for Whiskey keep growing even if the rational attitude would stay away as much as possible and perhaps try to go and meet someone else; it was a dead end. You couldn't simply use someone else's feelings in order to get over yours for Whiskey, it was wrong and someone would end up hurt. 

The moment you heard the door unlocked, you took a deep breath, knowing he would be there, smelling like another woman, probably with a shit eating grin and still a little dizzy out of his sex haze. It didn't matter if it was only his business, he still took the opportunity of having his fun. As he walked inside the room just like you had predicted, he kicked off his shoes and began unbuttoning his shirt, well, the rest of it, as he hadn't even bothered buttoning it all the way up in the first place. As he got closer and sat next to you on the couch, you could see the hickeys all over his neck, your stomach twisting at the undeniable proof he'd been with another woman. 

You had never been married, but you'd been desperately in love with a man who didn't think twice before sleeping around, even if he didn't belong to you, just the fact you two had to act as a married couple in front of people had already given you a sense of ownership. It was wrong, but that was how you felt, you felt as if Jack Daniels was your cowboy, your man, and it gutted you to see him so close without actually being able to touch him.

"I'm tired, sugar.." he groaned as he extended his legs and rested his feet on the coffee table 

"I bet you are… getting your dick wet every mission is exhausting" you rolled your eyes at him, not controlling your tone and saw him shake his head, getting up with a groan and taking a step away from you, he never really understood why you would always get so snappy at him the moment he slept with a target; he actually did understand it, he knew you had a crush on him, but he thought you would've figured out he didn't reciprocate the feelings and that you should have done something about it. It just annoyed that cowboy to no end how you were nice and sweet one moment and the next you seemed you couldn't even stand being around him. 

He placed his hands on his hips and took a deep breath, clearly annoyed 

"What's your problem with me, huh? I was doing my job, I got ourselves the leads and information we needed, better than staying here all night sulking like a goddamn spoiled child!" 

He took a step closer, feeling so angry but you scrunched your nose softly and sneezed a couple of times, earning a puzzled look from him 

"You are reeking of that bitch's cheap perfume, Whiskey! Stay away!" You said angrily not needing another allergy crisis kicking in at that moment. He sighed deeply one last time and took his stetson off, locking himself in the bathroom so he could shower and continue his conversation with you. 

Jack stared at himself in the mirror after his shower, seeing the hickeys the target left on his skin and sighed; just because he didn't share the same feelings for you as you did for him, it didn't mean he liked rubbing it on your face. It hurt you, but you also had to understand it was part of the job and if roles were reversed, he would have to accept you sleeping around just the same. You were lying on the bed now, only the nightstand lamps were on, as you kept staring at the fake wedding ring on your left hand, absorbed in your thoughts deeply, barely noticing when the mattress sank next to you at the weight of the cowboy, who sat by your side. 

"Darlin' I'm sorry about earlier, I shouldn't have called you a child" he told you in a soft tone, knowing how much you hated whenever he called you anything related to that, he was older than you, yes, but you were a functional adult who hated when he tried to pull that card on you. 

"When I said I was tired, I wasn't talking about our target, I was talking about this life… this lonely, pointless life" he shrugged and took your left hand into his bigger one, his rough fingers stroking your wedding band distractedly "I just feel lost, like I have no real purpose, I have no one to come back home to, no one to spend all the money I get with, it's just weird…" he confessed, giving you his honest sad eyes, and you softened up. As much as you often felt angry with him because of the unrequited mess of feelings you both were in, you also felt so sorry for him. Jack was still young, he still had time to build a family, find someone to be happy with, instead of dwelling into his loneliness and sadness like he did. 

"I'm sorry Jack… I was harsh to you too, I know it was just part of your job, well, our job and I was selfish" you sighed "but I don't like seeing you like that, you know… upset" 

"Don't worry about me, sugar…" he squeezed your hand gently, his finger still toying with your ring "I'm sure one day you'll be an amazing wife, you're already a great fake wife to me, and I ain't even worthy of you, in our fake marriage, I mean" he chuckled softly "you'll be great at it, and if you ever have kids you'll be an amazing mom, I just know it." 

"Jack, you know you can still have it all, right? I know about what happened, when you were married for the first time, but you can try it again, you can remarry, perhaps even have children, you can start all over again" 

You can start all over again with me. 

You can marry me.

Have kids with me. 

That was what you thought but didn't dare say it. 

"It's too late for me, I already had my happy ending, sugar, I just lost it" he shrugged and got up, walking to the couch and settling down, he was too much of a gentleman to impose his presence in bed with you, even if that was exactly what you craved, even if you couldn't have him whole, you would like to at least have the feeling of his arms wrapped around you, but unfortunately another mission was coming to an end and nothing happened. 

You sighed and buried your face into your pillow, resting your eyes in hopes of dreaming about the man who was right there but so out of reach at the same time. 

____

[effy-writes]

Can I request something around the episode exes and oohs where Y/N is moxxies sister. She's older and refused to leave home without Moxie. (She also works for IMP, and Crimson is just as shitty to her.

Maybe she's known how to sneak through the air vents of the episode since she was 10 and shows Millie how, in case her dad tries something.

Maybe Y/N is in a relationship with Loona or something, idk

ofc!! i also had to make it where moxxie is older because loona’s cannon age is 22 and i didn’t want y/n to be too old since moxxie is in his early 30’s but i loved this idea!! hope you enjoy <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

loona x f! reader (moxxie’s sister): saving lives

“you know, I checked the scale today. and it said I lost two pounds this week.” moxxie said proudly to your girlfriend to get his approval. loona rolled her eyes and continued to play on her phone. “I AM NOT FAT.”

you absolutely love loona, but she can be harsh to your brother. loona is just…possessive over you, but in a good way. at least you know she loves you.

millie came running in mumbling about a person. you watched her as she tore up this cardboard cut out of a human.

you looked back at loona who was hunched over on her desk, still on her phone. with a smile you took her phone out of her hands and practically crawled on top of her, you straddling her hips. “miss me?” she chuckled.

“very much so.” you rested your head in the crook of her neck, smelling the cherry scented perfume.

blitz yelled at millie and moxxie because they were being too loud. he looked at you and loona and smiled before glaring at moxxie.

the sweet moment of loona holding you got interrupted by a huge crash in the wall. the two of you jerked and watched as blitz and the others talking to a shark imp.

“I.M.P? this way.”

you looked back at loona before getting up. “sorry, i’m needed, i guess.”

“can i come? i have separation anxiety.” she joked but you know she wasn’t joking.

“i don’t see why not.” you gladly took her hand and the two of you walked to the helicopter before blitz stopped you guys, “absolutely not loonie.”

“oh come on! please? i want to be with y/n.” she begged.

blitz let out an annoyed sigh and let loona ride with you in the plane. since there wasn’t enough room you had to sit on her lap with her holding you tightly so you wouldn’t go flying out.

you looked out of the window and saw the town you and moxxie grew up in. “I hate this place.” moxxie looked at you, in which you agree. but the closer the plane got you and moxxie had a realization. “oh no.” you mumbled.

the plane landed and both you and moxxie refused to get out of the plane. millie and loona pushed you guys out and you got greeted by the father that hates your guts, but hates moxxie a little less.

“there’s my boy! come here and give your daddy a hug.”

“daddy?” everyone questioned.

“oh and the daughter.” he deadpanned.

you rolled your eyes and stood closer to loona. moxxie introduced everyone to your guys’s dad, but you stayed silent. moxxie was 5 years older than you, and when crimson found out he was a “pussy” he begged your mom to have another child, specifically a boy, but she obviously gave birth to you. crimson was furious with you AND your mom.

everyone gathered in the living room that you had to grow up in. crimson refused to look at you in the eyes as he talked to everyone + chaz.

moxxie finished the story about how he met chaz/why he hates him by mentioning how he was in prison with blitz, and when blitz offered him a job. what moxxie DIDNT mention was that he begged blitz to let you join in because he knows crimson might hurt you, even worse, kill you.

loona realized you looked uncomfortable and she tightened her grip on your hand. “i’m here,” she whispered, but crimson caught on.

“y/n, didn’t want to talk to ya but here i am i guess, when did you start liking pussy?”

“uh…since i was little.”

“both my kids are faggots.” crimson mumbled to himself, but you and moxxie looked at each other with a “is he fucking serious right now” looks.

everyone gathered at the dinner table. you were too nervous to eat because you’re afraid crimson might’ve poisoned you. it wouldn’t surprise you if he did. he hated you simply because you were born a girl. he didn’t treat you like a child, he treated you like a pet.

blitz asked why crimson needs I.M.P. because the job is to kill up there, not down here.

“i’m not doing business with I.M.P., i wanna do business with moxxie.”

loona got aggravated real quick, “why not with your daughter?” you stiffened up and gently slapped loona’s thigh.

crimson laughed, “y/n has always been useless, moxxie was just a pussy but at least he did what i say.”

“but why do you want to work with me?!” moxxie dropped his fork.

you didn’t pay attention to what crimson was saying. you were too scared to even look his direction so you stared at the plate in front of you (still pretending to eat it).

crimson released everyone except moxxie. you followed loona out the door and rested your back against the wall. everyone looked at you with worried looks, “what?”

“didn’t know you had daddy issues.” blitz joked.

“i don’t.”

blitz raised his eyebrows, “y/n your dad hates you so much he doesn’t want to look at you in the eyes.”

“doesn’t mean i have daddy issues. im dating your daughter for christ’s sake.”

“enough! jesus christ.” loona groaned. “it’s okay to have daddy issues.”

“do you have daddy issues, loonie.” blitz pouted. before loona could answer a bunch of dildos was popping in and out of everywhere, “HA! there’s dicks in the walls oh that’s fucking hilarious.”

“good thing i didn’t have to answer that question,” loona whispered to you as you silently laugh.

moxxie greeted everyone with a sorrow look on his face. “mox!” millie wrapped her arms around him, “what’s goin on?”

“nothing millie, everything is fine.”

everyone was told they had to sleep in different rooms, especially millie and moxxie.

“what about me and loona?” the goons exchanged looks with each other and shrugged, “sleep together i guess. but no fucking, please no fucking.”

~~

loona was already asleep but you kept tossing and turning. you didn’t feel safe here, you wanted to escape and this is killing you.

until you remembered about the air vents. your face lit up and you slowly got out of the bed. there’s this place up in the vents that leads to an attic that no one knows of, including moxxie. crimson is always up his ass and you were afraid that he was gonna follow moxxie there, so it was a secret. you hated that you couldn’t tell him, but it was for your safety.

you carefully open and shut the door, bumping into blitz with nothing but his underwear and a coat on. the two of you looked like you guys been caught.

“why are you halfway naked?”

“why are you sneaking out?”

“why are you sneaking out?”

“let’s keep this to ourselves.”

“most definitely.” you agreed before the two of you split ways. fuck, air vent is in the room where millie sleeps.

you walked over to her room and gently knocked, praying that she’ll answer. in a split second she opened the door expecting moxxie but it was just you, “y/n? what are you doin here?”

without answering her you pushed yourself in and closed the door. “air vent.” you pointed up.

“is there something in there?”

“it leads to an attic. i would always go there to get away from dad. i don’t exactly feel safe here, so far im the only one who knows about it.”

“can i come with you? i can’t sleep either and im worried about mox.”

you softly smiled, “of course.”

you stood on top of the night stand and used a bobby pin to unlock the cover before finally being able to open it. you jumped up and climbed up the air vent until it leads horizontal. millie followed you up there and once she was up you two crawled to this mysterious attic.

“does this thing only lead to the attic?” she whispered.

“it also leads to the bathroom, found that out the hard way.” you snickered. “i’m sure it leads to somewhere else but i never check because im afraid im gonna get lost.”

the vent split 3 ways. to the left it’ll lead to the bathroom, and to the right it’ll lead to the attic. you never went straight. you proceeded to turn to the right, a left, and finally you have to climb up, but it wasn’t a long climb up, maybe a 3 second climb.

you pushed open the vent and hoisted yourself up to the floor of the attic, helping millie up.

“wow. how long ago did you find this?”

“since i was 10. dad was looking for me and i got scared and climbed up the air vents.” you sat down on the floor.

“did crimson ever uh..try to kill you?”

“plenty.” you chuckled but then frowned, “the first time i was a baby. whenever our mom died dad was still pissed at me for being a girl and he was about to drown me in the bathtub but moxxie hit him over the head with a baseball bat and saved me. moxxie had to take care of me since he was 5.” you lips trembled, “i always felt bad he had to. he was a kid parenting another kid.”

“moxxie loves you. he would always tell me story’s about the two of you. don’t feel bad that he had to take care of you. if i’m being honest he never told me that story though.”

“it was probably traumatizing for him.”

millie sat down beside of you and gently rubbed your back, “does loona know about this?”

“she does. i don’t know why she hates moxxie, he saved my life plenty of times.”

“she don’t hate him. i think she’s jealous because she wanted to protect you. she wishes she could protect you.”

“did she tell you that?” you deadpanned.

“well…no, but i’m really good at reading people.”

you pulled out your phone and checked the time since there’s no windows in the attic, “it’s almost 5 am. we should get back, crimson is gonna wake up soon.”

“right, lead the way.” millie laughed as she helped you up.

the two of you made your way back down into the original bedroom. you tried to be as quiet as possible whenever you opened the bedroom door to yours and loona’s room. you shut the door with tense and once it shut you finally breathed. you turned around and got jump scared by loona standing right there.

“where were you?” she crossed her arms.

“sorry, i got scared sleeping here so i climbed up the vents to go to the attic. im sorry i didn’t tell you.”

“i thought you were dead!” she whispered.

“yeah i didn’t think that through. but im fine loona, millie went with me because the vent starts in her room.”

loona sighed and picked you up to hug you, “i’m just glad you’re okay.”

“loona, i have a crazy favor.”

“what?”

“would it be possible if we steal a car and go back to your house?” you winced. loona sat you down. “we’re gonna get killed!”

“no its okay, trust me. dad has a specific routine. he’ll wake up and he’ll just stay in the bathroom for like an hour before anybody else wakes up. it’s 5:30 right now so we have 30 minutes to hijack a car and leave.”

“first of all, how do you know he spends an hour in the bathroom in this huge ass house?”

“one of the air vents leads to the bathroom anyway we don’t have time come on.”

“what about the others?”

“it’s blitz, millie and moxxie, they’ll know how to take care of themselves.”

and with that the two of you found an old car. you broke the drivers side window to unlock the doors so loona could get in. you picked apart the wires and hot wired it, turning the car on.

you quickly drove through the wooden fence and sped down the highway. “i didn’t know you could hotwire cars.” loona laughed.

“wanna hear another traumatizing story?”

“i feel like im gonna hear it no matter what answer i give.”

“dad taught me how to hotwire a car and so when he let me do it on a different car he already poured this orderless flammable thing that’ll make the car blow up if i hotwire it.” you laughed, “love that guy.” you said with sarcasm.

“how did you know he was about to blow you up?”

“i didn’t!” you smiled, “moxxie threw a rock at him so he’ll beat up moxxie and completely forget that he was trying to blow me up.” your smile slowly dropped. “moxxie always saves me, and i didn’t want to save him today. we have to turn back.” you did a 180 with the car and sped down the highway with loona holding the “oh shit” bars.

“you ready to crash this wedding and save moxxie?” you smiled again.

“only doing this because i love you!”

[kitnootkat]

See you later sk8er !

Episode 2. ; Dinner with the Neighbors ... Previous || Show List || Next

Checking your phone, you notice that it’s already been about ten minutes since you’ve been in the bathroom. If you stay any longer your parents are bound to get suspicious which means that you’ll probably get a lecture. Something you want to severely avoid.

If you were being honest with yourself you really did expect dinner not to go too well, but the thought applied to your whole family; not only to you. Conversations were seemingly lively except for the one with the boy sitting across from you which was very, very dead. You had both tried to start conversations but honestly nothing really stuck. You’re sure that if your parents weren’t there it would have gone better but that doesn’t change the fact that it wasn’t working out. 

Yet right as you think that dinner couldn’t get any worse the topic of comparison had landed right into both mom’s palms. This made things even more awkward for you and the older kid Suna, who you know as Rintarou now, who were already struggling to talk. How do you even talk to someone easier if your moms are asking you to tutor him and your mom is asking him to teach you to let loose. One answer: you can't. 

It ended up getting way too awkward for you to handle to the point where running away was your best bet. That means the bathroom was the perfect place to go. Which is where you are now.

Letting out a fairly deep sigh, you stare at yourself in the mirror before smacking your cheeks. Get your head into focus YN. It’s time to face the world. 

OH SHIT. Eyes widening and trying to hold back a deep breath, you feel your soul jump out of your body. Why was Suna Rintarou leaning on the wall outside of the bathroom door and why did he seem just as spooked at you. “I- Ahem. Why are you standing outside the bathroom?” Your arms are crossed at this point and you have an eyebrow raised, eyes looking him up and down. But maybe that was a bad idea because now you could finally take in him, and the situation, but mainly him. And his- stop.

“Well, whenever we have people over I usually show them to the bathroom and then wait for them so I can lead them back to the dining room but…” The black haired boy takes a pause and takes a good look at you before putting on an annoying smirk “someone decided to take ten minutes in the bathroom.” Ooh! The nerve of this boy. Huffing, you give back a very passive aggressive smile. What the hell was his problem? Were all damn middle blockers like this?! Right as you’re about to reply though he pushes himself off the wall and starts walking back to the living room. “Oh, ln-san, by the way your mom was right, you are smart. Maybe next time don’t wait in the bathroom for so long though.”  Ahaha. Actually die Suna Rintarou. You wanted to shove that stupid look off his face. Thank god you wouldn't have to fraternize with him too much though. Right...? Maybe not.

As you walk our of the door of the Suna household, your phone feels heavy as his contact was already in your phone.

Notes !! : -> Episode two is done!! Woohoo!! -> I really couldn't decide whether to end the chapter after the writing portion but i feel like what i added worked fine -> Bro i hate writing the word smirked but knowing Suna bro does that shit often -> There there yn, i would get pissed off from Suna too -> Suna was actually waiting outside of the bathroom for 10 minutes scrolling on like idk tiktok -> His mom asked him why he waited for her since that wasn't something he normally did and his reply was a shrug and a "just felt like it" -> yn did not avoid the lecture and got one on politeness when they got home except her dad said "you shouldn't be shitting in other peoples bathrooms." she could not leave her room after that -> Theres two Nekoma closets and one of them is abandoned bc it was "haunted" and i really wanted to include that in this chapter and who better to get stuck in a closet that bokuto and kuroo -> Also im thinking about adding kuroo and kenma bc there isnt enough people here

taglist : open ! ft.ft. @lcvemiyuki @cannibalsrider @skazewrld @thvvluvr @snail-squasher @mfcherry @sereniteav @cocoforkuroopuffs @causenessus @yuminako @starsagainsthearts

[outsideratheart]

Secrets & Lies (Christen Press x reader)

Based of this request.

A/N: This is the longest fic I have ever written with 11,599 words. I hope it isn’t too long and that you all like it. One more thing, ANGST!!!

You had been keeping a secret since the day you were born. Only a few people knew about it and that's because someone else told them but at what point does a secret turn into a lie?

You spent your childhood having bi yearly surgeries but they were only temporary fixes until the doctors felt your heart was strong enough to take the stress of a more complicated surgery. This came when you were 15, it meant you could play the sport you love, and to the naked eye your condition was non existent as long as you took your medication. It wouldn't be the last surgery you had, in fact the doctors told both you and your mom that they would have to do the same surgery again in around 10 years.

It resulted in you learning to live one day at a time and you never looked too far into the future but you couldn't ignore the fact that every year is one step closing to needing a second surgery. So when you turned 25 you couldn't help but feel like you were on borrowed time. Two years after that, the hospital visits became a monthly occurrence in order to keep an eye on your condition and your doctor was surprised that your heart was holding up well and it was but that feeling of being healthy soon came to a halt.

First came the shortness in breath followed by the chest pains, they are symptoms that you are all too familiar with. At first it was manageable but then it got hard to hide the toll it was taking on your body.

"Are you ok kid?" you feel a hand rest on the small of your back as you bend over in attempt to catch your breath after a sprinting drill.

"It's getting worse" you look up at your captain Christine Sinclair "I'll be ok, I have to be. The olympics are around the corner and I can't miss them" the panic in your voice sparks concern within the Canadian.

"Ok, ok, calm down. We will handle this like have in the past, just me, you and the doctors. Have you told Tobin or any of the others how bad it's getting?" you shake your head "Maybe it's time you tell Christen. The two of you have been tog—“

“No! Christen doesn't need to know"

"And when will she? When she is calling an ambulance?"

Christine Sinclair had many abilities and the one you hated the most was how well she showed tough love.

"No Christen and no Tobin. This is my fight and I know how to handle it" you know that the conversation is no where near over but you don't have the energy to talk about it and you don't want to risk the rest of the team hearing you.

At first only you and the Portland Thorns team doctor knew about your heart condition but then your mom told Christine when the thorns were playing Gotham. She wanted someone to know about it in case you were to have an episode. They didn't happen all that often, especially as you got older, but when they did come they were bad.

Portland were in Houston playing the dash before the players would go to their respective national teams. It meant that you had to pack for 3 weeks away. You made your checklist, packed your bag and then went through the list twice, you had everything.

The Thorns ended up beating the dash 3-1 with goals coming from you, Tobin and Lynsey so when you arrived at camp you were all in fantastic moods although yours could have something to do with the fact that you would be seeing Christen for the first time in a month.

As you enter the reception you are told that you are the last to arrive and the team are in the conference room handing out room assignments. As you enter the room you eyes eagerly search for your girlfriend but she isn’t there, worry starts to set in and you nudge tobin who in suit shrugs her shoulders. So her girlfriend and best friend didn’t know where she was. You are just about to raise your hand to ask the question when you feel two arms snake around your waist.

“Looking me for” Christen says quietly as not to interrupt Jill.

You remove one of her hands and place a kiss on the back of it.

“I better not be sharing with Kelley again” You tip your head back to rest on her shoulder.

“You’ll be happy to know I persuaded Jill to let us room together but you have to be on your best behaviour”

“Me!” You turn to face Christen. Your increased volume becoming apparent when Jill calls you out.

“Is there something you would like to share with the team” Jill encourages you to speak up.

"Nothing she can repeat in front of the youngens, right Y/N?" Kelley teases.

The defender knows that you will bite straight away if the teasing had to do with your relationship, more so what goes on behind close doors. You are on the verge of retaliating when Christen places her hand over your mouth.

"Sorry coach, continue" Christen tells Jill.

The team meeting runs a little big longer than you had hoped. Jill taking this time to discuss the basic plan for the camp as well as assigning rooms and then reassigning them when she gets complaints.

You and Christen waste no time in making up for being away from each other. It might have been a few years since the two of you started dating but the way she makes you feel never failed to catch you off guard. The connection you shared reminded you of fireworks and no matter how many times they went off you always jumped.

The two of you cuddled in bed, covered in nothing but the white hotel bed sheets. Christen's head rested on your chest whilst her hand traced shapes on your stomach.

"Your heart feels like it is about to beat out of your chest" whilst Christen jokes it is a reason for concern to you.

You think about it for a second. The Thorns schedule has been gruelling recently and you knew that you were putting stress on your heart but it was fine, you were taking your medication then it hit you, you hadn't taken it this morning.

"My heart will always skip a beat for you" you stare up at the ceiling in fear that Christen will see your pain if she looks you in the eyes.

The pair of you get ready for training all whilst worry starts to sink deeper into your thoughts. Christen knew you took several supplements in a morning but she didn't know what they were and you wanted to keep it this way. When you are on your way down to the lobby you see your chance.

"I'll meet you down there. I forget to take my vitamins" You daren't use the word medication because you know it will cause her to worry. It's the reason why she has no idea about your condition. You saw what the worry did to your mom growing up and you wouldn't put that on your girlfriend.

Luckily Christen doesn't ask any questions and she doesn't follow you back to the room. By the time she gets to the lobby the whole team is there ready and waiting.

"What, no Y/N?" Pinoe asks her fellow forward.

"She forgot her vitamins" Christen says fully unaware of the looks that are shared between Emily and Tobin.

Emily tips her head towards the elevator and Tobin picks up on what she is suggesting.

You are rummaging through your bag hoping that you will find your medication but it is no where to be found. You thought you packed enough for the Thorns trip and the national camp but you hadn't. You didn't know what to do, you knew that if you told Dawn about it she would have you benched and that couldn't happen because you were playing Canada and the team needed you. The sound of someone knocking at the door pulls you out of your head. At first you ignore them, you had more important things going on right now and the person on the other side of the threshold could wait but the knocking continued only louder and more persistently.

"Y/N let me in"

Tobin, just the person you both wanted to see and did not want to see. When she enters she recognises the panic on your face immediately.

"You forgot?" Her tone reminds you of your mom and you didn't care for it.

"I'm fine now" It was a lie but you didn't have a choice  "I'm just tidying up. You know how much of a neat freak Chris is"

You had been taking this medication for 12 years surely you built up enough strength to live without it for a week.

Training was tough to say the least but you chalked it down to the Arizona heat. Tobin kept a close eye on you and even went out of her way to partner up with you during drills which pissed you off more because you wanted to work with Christen. Dawn watched you from the sidelines and at first you didn't think anything of it until you saw her whispering in Jill's ear.

When the coach calls you over in the middle of scrimmage, it gains the attention of the entire team. Players only ever got called out of a game when they were in trouble but Jill eyes wasn't filled with anger, they were filled with pity and your suspicions were confirmed when you saw Dawn mouth 'i'm sorry'.

"Do I need to be worried?" Jill asked.

Here's the thing with Jill. You know she knows and she knows you know she knows but the two of you have never spoken about it. She keeps an eye on you during training and Dawn let's her know if there is a reason for concern.

"No. I forgot to take my medication this morning so it's taking a little bit longer for it to work"

Another lie.

"You were struggling out there and don't say it's because of the heat. I have seen you when we play in Australia and you aren't phased at all"

"I'm already feeling better. Watch and you will see that I am fine" you shut down the conversation before it can go any further.

When you're back on the pitch you score within seconds and dedicate your goal to your coach with an arrogant salute. Instead of it making her believe you're healthy, your celebration makes Jill think the opposite. You are trying too hard to show her you are ok.

The next couple of days are more difficult than you would like to admit. You were tempted to ask for a personal day and fly back to Portland but it would lead to more questions and you were trying to keep your amount of lies to a minimum.

With game day getting closer and closer, you begin easing off the physical side of preparation. You took a back seat in training and when asked about it you stated that as your role as captain you want to use this time to pass on your knowledge to the younger players.

When it comes to the afternoon lift session, Dawn pulls you aside and tells you that you will be working alone. She puts you on the treadmill whilst the rest of the team focus on the weights. Her attempt at testing your fitness isn't as subtle as she hopes.

"Wait, why is Y/N the only one doing a fitness test?" Tobin asks. Christen wants to know the same thing. She had seen the change in your behaviour over the past couple of days. It happened in the blink of an eye, one minute your the confident player the world loved the next you are on the sidelines trying to catch your breath like a rookie.

"Because I am the fastest on the team and Dawn wants to see if I can improve my stats from last camp"

Your girlfriend buys it, Tobin on the other hand isn't so easy to persuade. In the end she walks away but not before talking to Sonnet who looks at you and shakes her head.

Great! You aren't well and now you have pissed off the two people that could out you to the entire team.

"I've seen you watching me and I'm fine but if I am sick then I will get worse by doing this" you whisper in Dawn's ear before setting the treadmill to 15 where you begin sprinting as if you have a perfectly good heart.

By the end of the treadmill test you can barely breathe. Dawn helps you to chair before getting you a bottle of water. You hear her shout of Christen and within seconds your girlfriend is by your side.

"Y/N breathe for me" Christen begs. She had never seen you this out of breath.

"It hurts" you clasp both of your hands over your chest. This couldn't be happening, not here, not now.

"What's going on with her?" Christen asks dawn.

"She is--" Dawn tries to answer but Tobin and Sonnet come running over.

"She took an elbow to the chest in our last game and it's causing her some problems" Tobin tells her.

"She'll be fine. Here, use this" Sonnet gives you an ice pack knowing that it helps with your chest pains.

Your hands shake whilst you hold the cold block to your chest, so much so that Christen ends up taking it from you.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Christen asks.

When you look to Christen you see the hurt you are causing her and this is because she didn't know about a tackle that didn't happen. In a matter of seconds you go from feeling pain to feeling guilty.

“I—" part of you tries to tell her the truth, even it it's only a half truth.

"It's best if she doesn't talk" Tobin cuts in.

Dawn tells you that you're done for the day and that Christen should take you back to your room. Your girlfriend talks to the performance coach in hopes that she can tell her what to do to make you feel better.

"I don't know what's going on with you but you cannot tell her when you're like this. She will think you’re ill" Tobin whispers in your ear.

"That's because I am ill and I always will be. She deserves to be with someone who isn't a burden" your breathing begins to even out.

"Y/N don't do anything stupid. You trust us with your secret, you can trust her too"

"No, my mom trusted you. I didn't want people to know because they look at me like—“

"Like what"

"Like that" you point at both of the friends "Like I'm broken"

Walking away you feel their eyes burning into the back of your head but you don't look back. Christen stands near the door with her hand extended waiting for you to take it.

Once back in your room Christen goes straight into the bathroom and begins running the bath. It is something that calmed the two of you but funnily enough you haven't done it whilst being at camp. Your girlfriend comes back out to find you laid back on the bed, your eyes closed with one hand on your chest. She can just about hear you counting your breaths.

"Join me" Christen says from the door way but she doesn't get an answer, you don't even move.

"Baby, come join me" the softness in her tone when she calls you the name that made you feel like you're the only girl in the world gets your attention.

"I think i'm just going to lay here for a while"

"Look at me" your girlfriend demands and upon doing so see her standing there in nothing but her underwear "I wasn't asking"

The smirk that pulls at your lips in uncontrollable. The sight you saw had the power to bring to your knees and the past had proven that.

"Then I won't say no" you stand and remove your shorts and as you walk towards her you remove your top.

Christen is the first to get into the bath and she slides forward so that you can slip in behind her. She grabs your arms, wraps them around her and then covers your arms with her own.

"I love you Christen Press" you place a kiss to her jawline "but if something were to happen to me then I want you to move on" you feel a tear roll down your cheek but you cannot wipe it away "Please don't waste your years mourning me and don't be afraid to open your heart to another. You wouldn't be betraying me and although i'll be gone, i'll always be with you, in here" you place your hand over her heart.

"Y/N--" Christens shifts her weight.

"Don't look at me"

This was strange. You and Christen are very open about your feelings and aren't scared to be vulnerable around each other but whenever you shared these moments you wanted to feel as close to her as possible which lead to the two of you having eye contact.

"You are my one true love Y/N Y/L/N and should the worse happen, that will never change. I cannot make a promise to move on because I am not in control of my heart but I will promise to let love in should it come to me"

"I will love you Christen until my last day on earth and then long into the afterlife"

This time you don't stop her as she turns in the water so her legs are either side of you. You craved her touch and reassurance that everything would be ok only she couldn't tell you that. That night Christen makes you forget about how this pain in your chest has ended in the past and you don't think twice about whether you future is going to last a year or ten years.

Game day came on day 5 without your medication and you were starting to regret not going home to get them. Sleep had become nothing more than a long nap and every time you ran it felt like a marathon. Still you had been able to downplay your struggles and Jill put you in the starting 11 despite being concerned about you.

You knew there was one person you couldn't fool and you did your best to avoid her until the whistle. At the pitch inspection you stayed away from the Canadians but you saw Christine staring at you from a distance, by the look on her face you knew she knew. When she tipped her head towards the tunnel so she could speak with you, you shook your head.

"You should go see her" Christen nudges towards where your club captain is standing.

"And fraternise with the enemy. I would much rather fraternise with you" you whisper in her ear.

It seems that Christen buys your distraction as she doesn't bring it up again even when Christine waits by the locker room after the warm ups.

You think you have managed to evade your friend's questioning but when you stand in the line waiting to go out you have a bad feeling in your gut so when Christine walks by you grab her arm and pull her back towards you.

"I didn't bring enough medication with me" you confess.

Up until now you haven't been scared but the look Christine gives makes you feel just that.

"How long?" she keeps her reply short given the crowd of players that surround you.

"5 days" You see Christine eye up Jill as she walks past "No, don't. I can handle this game but you need to know if case something happens"

"What makes you think that?"

You bring you hand to your chest "gut feeling" you reply.

Once gain Christine's expression changes and the worry is not something she can hide. She pulls you into her arms and whispers in you ear.

"I know you can handle it especially when playing so be smart out there kid"

And that is exactly what you do or at least for the first 50 minutes it is. All of sudden you feel your chest tighten and you feet give way underneath you as your body goes into fight or flight response. You do everything in your power to fight but it is too hard. Within seconds you are laid out of the floor, instead of your heart beating rapidly it is slow, too slow.

"Y/N, what's wrong?" Christen kneels beside you.

Your eyes lock onto her, she is the reason why you want to fight but your lack of response does more harm than good. The team don't know what is happening so they don't call the medics over.

"Is it your heart?" Tobin asks having no care in the world about who hears her.

"What's wrong with her heart? Is this about the knock you took?"

You had been dreading this moment but somehow it has turned out worse than you imagined.

"I'm" you take a deep breathe "sorry"

"Why are you sorry? Tobin what is she sorry for? What is going on?"

Tobin looks at you and you use whatever energy you have left to shake your head.

"Sincy" you look at Tobin and she understands what you want but she doesn't want to leave your side.

Emily picks up on this "It's ok, i'll get her"

The defender turns to get your team mate only to see the opposing captain already running over.

"Move out of my way" Christine pushes her way through the white shirts.

"Sincy, it hurts" tears start to fall as fear begins to set in.

"Tobin get your medics now"

Christine looks at your team mates but her gaze ultimately falls on your girlfriend who looks petrified. Christen has one of your hands in hers, squeezing it so tightly that part of your fingers have turned white.

"I don't want to die" your words earn gasps from your team mates. Some of the Portland players are trying to hold back from crying as they know what this could mean.

"You're not going to die" Christen places a kiss to the back of your hand "Why would you die? You can't die. Christine" Christen looks up to the older player only to see her holding Tobin in her arms as she tries to console her "Tobin" at the sight on her best friend in tears she knows that something much bigger is going on.

The medics come running onto the pitch and in that very moment you realise that the secret you have kept for the last 27 years is about to come to light. When one of them starts asking question you know that you don't have it in you to answer them,  a mixture of not wanting to and not having the ability to.

"She has a heart defect and hasn't been taking her medication" Christine says when she realises you wouldn't say it. Your club captain proceeds to explain your condition in detail as well as your medical history.

"No" Christen shouts "She is fine, tell them you're fine Y/N. You're not sick, you just took a knock in your last game. I know you're not sick because you would have told me, we don't have secrets" tears are flowing freely down your girlfriends face.

"Y/N" Christen whispers when she feels your hand slowly loosen it's grip from her own.

"I don't want to die. I wan’t—" your breathing hitches once again as your bodies tries to inhale a much oxygen as possible.

"Baby, no" Christen leans forward and rests her forehead against yours.

"I'm sorry. I love you" those are are the last words you say and Christen is the last thing you see before it goes black.

"She's going into cardiac arrest. I need everyone to back up so we can try and save her life" One of the doctors say as the other one sprints away in search of the defibrillator.

"No, i'm not leaving her" Christen holds onto your unconscious form. It is only when Ashlyn pulls her away does she let go and begins sobbing into her friends arms.

The team stand there, helpless, as they watch the medics try to resuscitate you. All of them feeling a mixture of emotions. Some are angry at you, why didn't you tell them things had got this bad. Others feel guilty having known nothing about your condition, they begin wondering if the signs where there and they had just been too ignorant to see them.

Christen feels every emotion under the sun but the strongest one of them all is rage. You were her girlfriend and not only did you keep this from her, her best friend did too. You were the two people she trusted the most in the world yet today made it clear that trust wasn't reciprocated.

You are loaded into an Ambulance and taken the the nearest hospital. Christen is asked if she wants to go with you but she says no. The game gets suspended and the teams head back into their locker rooms. The US players planned on getting changed and heading straight to you.

The atmosphere in the locker room is something that neither of them have experienced before.

"You knew!" Christen shouts at Tobin.

"Chris" Pinoe tries to pull your girlfriend towards her locker but fails.

"No, I deserve an answer. My girlfriend was sick and you didn't tell me"

"It wasn't my secret to tell Christen. She made us promise not to tell you"

Tobin's words didn't exactly instil faith and calmness in her friend.

"Us?" Christen takes a step back and she scans the locker room. Now that's she is looking, it is very obvious who knew and who didn't "Emily, Lindsey. You knew too" Christen couldn't believe it.

"I didn't know things has gotten this bad. Y/N has episodes but she handles them on her own" Emily tells her.

"She doesn't like to talk about it" Lindsey adds.

"And Christine Sinclair knew" It isn't a question. The woman's action on the pitch made it obvious that she is very aware of your condition.

"I did"

Turning around Christen comes face to face with the women she was talking about.

"I have known since the beginning" the invisible spotlight that was placed on Christine made her nervous "I'm going to the hospital. Come with me and I will tell you everything"

Christen quickly replaces her boots with a pair of trainers, grabs a jacket and follows your captain.

Christen sat in the hospital waiting room alone. The seats either side of her remained empty because although her teammates wanted to support their friend, they knew it was just as important to give her space. It didn't make sense at first, you being ill, but then she begins replaying some of your recent conversations. Obviously the one you shared in the bath a few nights prior wasn't as hypothetical as Christen thought. Did you really think that Christen could move on from you?

"Family of Y/N Y/L/N"

Upon hearing your name the entire USWNT flock towards to the man clad in scrubs.

"I'm her girlfriend" Christen says as she stands directly in front of him.

"I'm sorry her file says to only discuss medical matters with direct family or Christine Sinclair, is that you?"

Christen couldn't believe what she is hearing. Even when you are in god knows what condition you are still determined to keep this from her.

"That's me. This is Christen Press and you can discuss Y/N's condition with her" Your friend has had enough of your secrets, Christen deserves the know the truth and at this point she knew that you could no longer hide it but that you would still try.

"Unfortunately Y/N coded again on the way here. Her heart had to work overdrive just to beat regularly and in the end it couldn't take it"

"No, She" your girlfriend couldn't believe what she was hearing "She can't die"

"She's alive Miss Press" The doctor confirmed "What I meant is that her heart couldn't take it which lead to the incident during your game. I spoke with her doctor in Portland and we agreed that minor surgery was needed until she can have a full exam when she returns home. Y/N is in recovery right now for observation then we will move her to a private room. I will have someone come get you when she is allowed visitors"

Christen stands frozen in her spot. Her mind, body and soul had grieved your death twice now even if it wasn't permanent.

"This is a good thing Chris" Tobin ignores the looks she gets as she talks to her best friend.

"How is this good Tobin? She almost died, no she did die. I lost her"

Tobin tries to pull Christen into a hug but she fights it. She takes her anger, which is rightly or wrongly is aimed at you, out on Tobin before surrendering.

"How could she not tell me Tobin? I'm suppose to be her person, she tells me she loves me yet—“

Christen is cut off before she can finish her sentence.

"You really don't get it do you" Christine says. After speaking to the doctor she found a seat near your Portland team mates "Y/N does love you more than you realise. It is the reason why she hasn't told you. I know that doesn't make sense but it does in her mind. Y/N has never told anyone about her heart condition"

"That's not true. You know, Tobin, Lynsey, Emily and I guess Becky knows, oh and dawn too, maybe even jill"

"You're right but that's not because Y/N told us. Her mom is reason why we know. She told us for this exact reason, in case something happens to her daughter and she isn't there to help her. In Y/N’s eyes she was protecting you by not telling you"

"That does sound like Y/N" Ashlyn sees sense in what the Canadian is saying.

"It doesn't make it ok"

"No it doesn't and for what it's worth Tobin has been begging Y/N to tell you since you started dating" Christine comes to her team mates defence.

Christen knows deep down that none of this was Tobin's fault and that her reaction was uncalled for. The way Tobin looks at her is something she has never seen before but then it hits her. You might have been her girlfriend but you are Tobin's best friend.

"I'm sorry Tobin. It just the thought of losing her is—“

"I know. It's scares me too"

When the pair hug, the team awe in response. For a brief moment the energy changes but it doesn't last long.

"Y/N is awake"

Having not needed to be told twice, Christen heads straight towards the nurse.

"You're going to have to wait sweetie. Y/N only wants to see Miss Sinclair"

It hurt. Once again you were choosing Christine over her and quite frankly Christen has had enough. A huge part of her wanted to say 'screw you' and leave. If you didn't want to see her then she wasn't going to stick around.

"Let's go get a coffee" Pinoe suggests which Christen agrees, Tobin follows in suit.

The three of them return just as Christine is storming through the hallway. Clearly nothing good happened in your room but it wasn't clear if the bad thing was related to the incident or something else.

"Christine, wait" Christen grabs her hand as she strides past them "What's wrong"

"She's unbelievable and all yours. I'm done"

Christen heads straight for you room, alone. The rest of the team know that there is conversation that needs to be had between the two of you and they had no right to be a part of it.

The sight itself is worrying. You are laid in the hospital bed, hooked up to several hospital wires and have a nasal cannula which is helping you breathe. All in all you didn't look well and it made the next words that came out of your mouth that much more frustrating.

"Don't look at me like that, i'm fine" your attempt at reassuring your girlfriend seems to have the opposite affect.

"No more lies Y/N. You're not fine. I watched you die, do you know what that was like?" Christen starts the speech that she had been planning in her head for the last couple of hours.

When you see her eyes begin to well up you want nothing more than to get out of the bed and comfort your girlfriend but you simply didn't have the strength. Instead you used what strength you did have to move over slightly so there was room for her near you.

"Come here"

Christen does so happily. Even though she is mad she has been craving the feeling of being in your arms and the solace it brings her.

"You knew this would happen. It's why you talked about you dying when we laid in the bath. You held me in your arms and we had a conversation which you knew could happen whilst I thought you were being hypothetical"

"I meant what I said. When I die I want you to move on with your life, not live in the past, in our past" once again you cannot bring yourself to make eye contact with your girlfriend.

Christen hovers her hand over your chest before placing it on your heart. The room goes quiet, enough so that you can hear her counting the beats under her breath. She is worried about you and you knew what the next couple of months would look like. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. You never wanted things to come to this and you certainly didn’t want to be the reason for Christen’s pain. It’s why you know the thing you are going to next is the right thing to do.

“Why did Christine leave?”

Well it looks like Christen is going to be the one to initiate the conversation only she has no idea what is about to come.

“I told her i’m not going to have the surgery when I get home. If I do then I'll miss the olympics and that isn’t something I am willing to do. I am going to have another minor surgery and work with the doctors so that I make it until the summer”

Christen lifts her head so she can see your face and what she is met with worries her. You are blank, almost emotionless but it was the facade you chose to put up in order get through this talk.

“No! You—“

“Christen the last few years we have shared have been incredible and I wouldn’t change a thing. I know you are mad at me for keeping this from you but I don’t regret it. If I had it my way you would have never found out. I wanted to protect you from the pain that comes with my condition because I saw what it did to my mom and I won’t have you going through the same worry”

“Y/N” Christen doesn’t like what she is hearing.

“I love you Christen Annemarie Press more than anything in this world and it’s why I can’t be with you”

Her eyes well up within seconds. Her breathing becomes erratic and it matches the increasing beeps on your monitor. You may be calm on the outside but the wires hooked up to your chest tell a different story.

“No. You don’t get to tell me your dying then break up with me, that’s not how this ends, I won’t let it” Christen refuses to acknowledge that you have decided to end your relationship.

“Chris” You reach out for her hand but she pulls away just as your fingertips touch.

“Why are you doing this? We’ve talked about our future, marriage and kids. I may not have known you were sick but you did and you still had those conversations. Were they lies too?”

You get up out of bed against your better judgement. You ignore the pain in your chest and the rapid beeping coming from behind you.

“I never lied to you, I withheld the truth, there is a difference. Those conversations we had were a fantasy, one that made me look forward to a future I knew I might not have. I am doing this because I love you way to much to break your heart just because mine is already broken”

Your emotions are starting to get the better of you whilst Christen has tears rolling down her cheeks. It was naive to believe you could break up with the love or your life and not have her fight for you.

“You are so selfish Y/N” Christen’s sadness has turned into rage “I am willing to stand by your side though all of this and you are pushing me away. You are making a decision for our future without letting me have a say”

“I might not have a future Christen!”

The volume of your tone is the last straw. Doctors who had been monitoring your vitals come rushing into the room to make sure that you are ok, your team mates follow in suit.

“Miss Y/L/N I need you to get back into bed before you rip open your stitches” One of the nurses try to usher you back toward the bed but you don’t move.

“Christen, Listen to me. I am doing this because I love you, one day you will see that. I have to let you go”

Christen waits in your room to hear you out but she doesn’t respond before leaving.

When you are back in bed you cannot bring yourself to look at any of your team mates. There are those that knew and some that didn’t. You chose to stare out the window and your friends leave one by one, soon enough it is just Tobin and Emily in the room.

“You’re not getting the surgery?” Emily asks you. She had been the one to follow Christine to find out what happened.

“I can’t. I want to go to Tokyo and I can’t if I get it. My doctor said the risks are very high given the stress that my heart is currently under and he’s not sure if it can take it. I meant what I said on the pitch, I don’t want to die” The blonde understood your reasoning and didn’t question it any further.

Tobin on the other hand. She has had enough with your stubbornness and you knew that a lecture was coming.

“Please don’t” you beg her

“You two were made for each other and you just threw that away, why?” Tobin asks you.

“Because it easier to mourn someone you hate than someone you love”

The next month was tough. You were back in Portland, a place you called home, but you had never felt more alone. Your friends were mad at you for not getting surgery, even Christine only spoke to you when her captain duties called for it. Christen spent the first week after the incident texting and messaging you. She was fighting for your relationship but you couldn't step into the ring for her.

You had to take a temporary step back from the team to recover and get back to a place where you can play high level soccer. You released a statement saying that you were stepping away in order to focus on your health. You didn't give the fans anymore details and they respected your wishes, the press on the other hand, well they wanted to know what the damage was.

Truth is you missed your friends and the loneliness that your stubbornness caused became overwhelming which only made things worse. Your doctor was pleased with the improvements you were making but after the first few weeks things took a turn for the worse. The temporary surgery you had in Arizona had reached its limits a lot sooner than your doctor had hoped.

It was three months later when it came to a head.

"When do I have to make the decision?" you ask.

You had just completed another round of tests and as you sit in your doctor's office you can tell by the energy in the room and the lack of eye contact of his behalf that things weren't good.

"I would like to do this as soon as possible and before you ask, it is my recommendation that we do the full repair"

"But what about the risks? I want to go to Tokyo and you said the best way for me to do that is to have the smaller surgery and reevaluate when I get back"

"Y/N if we don't do this surgery I cannot guarantee that you make it to the summer"

"So what you're saying is I have the surgery or become part of the 27 club?" You let out a small chuckle but nothing about this was funny.

"I'm sorry things have come to this and I know it isn't what you wanted"

"It's ok, these things happen" It was as if you had already admitted defeat.

When you get up from your chair it's as if time had slowed down. You walked over the window which ironically looks over Providence park. You had made so many memories there and you truly thought you would have years to make more, now though you're not too sure.

"Can I give you a piece of advice?" your doctor stands beside you "Talk to someone. It doesn't have to be about this but you can't close yourself off from everybody. You shouldn't keep your friends at arms length Y/N, they are there because they want to support you"

"I don't want to become their problem"  you confess.

"I made a promise to someone but they're not my patient you are" He goes back to his desk "Christen Press calls my office once a week to get updates on you"

You were both happy and angry after hearing this. On one hand it was nice to know she still cared but you had been killing yourself, literally, so that you could keep her away from this and your doctor has been telling her anyways.

"You had no right"

"No I didn't but it was the right thing to do. That women loves you Y/N. When faced with death most of my patients live life there's no tomorrow. They do all the things that are on their bucket list, they make memories with their friends and confess their feelings but you, you have done the opposite. You refuse to see or speak to anyone unless it is unavoidable and you push away the woman you love most in this world. I made a decision, one that I won't apologise for"

At this point your doctor was like family so he didn't mind calling you out when your were being stubborn or stupid.

"What if I hurt her?"

Dying doesn't scare you because you had been preparing for it your entire life. Being the reason that Christen cries herself to sleep at night, that is one of your greatest fears.

"You already are by pushing her away"

You knew he was right. It became obvious the moment you broke up with her but in your eyes you were hurting her a little bit now in order to keep from hurting a lot more later on.

"Can I call you tomorrow with an answer?"

"Of course"

When you leave his office your phone feels like it's burning a hole in your pocket. Every part of you wanted to hear Christen's voice but something was stopping you.

Ignorance had been your greatest ally as of late. If you weren't at the hospital or at rehab then you would tell yourself that you are healthy but you were no longer able to ignore the uncertainty of your future. Portland has been home since you went No1 in the draft so subconsciously you take yourself to Providence park which isn’t all that strange considering it’s about this time of day when training ends. You stop at a poster of you and Tobin after you won the championship last season, the two of you looked so happy and carefree.

"It's a good photo" you don't need to turn around in order to know who is there.

"Y/N and Heath, Portland's unstoppable force" It was a nickname that the fans gave the both of you years ago and it has stuck ever since.

"Well one of us is" Tobin jokes.

"I guess I deserve that. I've missed you Tobs" you hug her tightly with a force that she returns.

"You're scaring us Y/N. Everyone is worried about you. Christen isn't herself, she is barely sleeping, every time she closes her eyes she sees you on that pitch or worse. She told me the other night that she finds herself walking through cemetery and it is your headstone that she goes to"

"I never wanted any of this to happen. I just wanted to protect her, you do know that don't you?"

"Of course I do and she does too. I know you don't want to talk about it but please tell me you're getting better" Tobin pleads.

"I wish I could. I'm not going to go into detail because I don't want to put you in a position where you have to lie but I need to have the big surgery, the one I have been putting off, and i'm not sure if i'm ready to have it yet"

"You're scared?" Tobin asks and you nod "You will make the right decision Y/N and I know you want to do this alone but if you want me to then i'll be by your side through it all"

The offer meant more than Tobin knew. You truly thought that your behaviour over the past couple of months had burnt the bridges that you call your friendships.

"Thank you Tobin"

She joins you as you wander the city but after an hour she picks up on the fact that you wanted to be alone and before leaving she reminds you once again that she is only a call away should you need her.

You find a bench that over looks the water. You put your earphones in and dial Christen's number, praying to the higher powers that she answers, she doesn't. It didn't come as a surprise, you didn't deserve her time. You try again only this time you decide to leave a voicemail.

"Hi bab—, sorry I mean Christen, it's Y/N. I have been told that I should talk to someone and you are the first person that came to my mind. I—“

"Y/N? Are you ok? Is something wrong"

"Christen?" you pull your phone out of your pocket to see if the call has connected "you didn't pick up, I thought I was leaving a voicemail"

"Sorry I was in the shower. Is everything ok?"

"I want to talk to you but I need you to treat me like the old Y/N, not the weak and broken Y/N"

"You're not broken Y/N. You are human and sometimes humans get sick"

"Chris, please"

"Girlfriend Y/N or cocky and confident Y/N? Just so I know which Y/N I am speaking to?" she chuckles slightly as she allows herself to get lost in the game are playing.

"The one that loves you unconditionally"

"My favourite Y/N"

You ignore the butterflies that you feel when you hear Christen's voice. Despite everything that is going on with you and her, she still manages to calm you down without even trying.

"I remember the first time you took me home to meet your family, I was so nervous. I know how much they mean to you and although you are this independent woman who doesn't need anyones approval, you still wanted theirs and I thought for certain I wouldn't get it"

This was news to Christen. She couldn't have imagined this is how you felt given the way you strode into the Press family full of confidence and not willing to let anyone get in the way of your relationship.

"I didn't know that"

"Can you remember the end of the night when you Dad asked to speak to me outside?" you hear Christen hum on the other end "That was the calmest I had been the entire night"

"Y/N, that doesn't make sense"

"It does because I knew the 'nobody will be good enough for my daughter' speech was coming. He asked me if I deserved to be in his daughters life and I said no. It was an easy answer because although I had known you for a few years, we had only being dating for a few months and in that time you showed me just how amazing you are and part of me knew from the moment I met you that you were too good for me Christen. The next morning Channing and Tyler cornered me in the kitchen and asked me the same type of question. The only person who didn't was your mom"

"She told me to tell that she's really mad at you"

"She'll have to get in line. Can I continue?"

You take her silence as a yes.

"Your mom asked me why I don't trust that her daughter is making the right decision. I said because i'm not capable of loving you like you deserve and whether it be in one year or ten years, I will break your heart"

"Y/N"

"She told me breaking someone's heart isn't always a bad thing because if you have the power to do that then they must love you with every fibre of their being and that isn't something to be sad about. She said when the day comes, I won't do it on purpose because if I do then I would be hurting myself in the process"

"When the day comes? She knew?"

"I asked myself the same question. Her words were filled with so much comfort that I was sure she did but it wasn't possible"

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I knew from day one that this wasn't going to end well and I pursued it anyways. I was selfish and I have hurt you when I spent years making sure that didn't happen"

When the line goes quiet you are sure that Christen has hung up. You wouldn't be angry if she did, it was nice of her to give you the time that she had.

"Can you remember the night before the world cup final when we walked the streets of Paris?"

This is how the rest of the night went. You and Christen went back and forth sharing your favourite memories from your time together. Every so often she would change the subject to your health but it was only for a second then she would go back to her story.

The night draws in and the temperature drops but you are too content sitting by the water, admiring the view and talking to Christen. A dog comes running up to you, the bark makes Christen question where you are.

"Y/N where are you?"

"On a bench"

"You should go home"

"But I don't want to say goodbye"

Both of you go silent. The heaviness of the words you just said bring back the reality of what has been going in.

"There's no reason for you to say goodbye" Christen says and it's obvious even she didn't believe the words that are coming out of her mouth.

"Chris"

"No, I won't have this conversation with you over the phone. If you want to say your goodbyes then you do it in person"

"I love you and my heart, as broken as it may be, belongs to you and it will do until my last day on earth and then long into the afterlife"

A strong sense of Deja Vu hits you and Christen. You had said this before but the meaning is different now.

"Stop"

"I need surgery Christen and the risks are high but if I don't have it then I don't know how long—“

"Y/n, please" Christen begs you from her end of the phone "I know you broke up with me and I know why but I love you"

"Christen, stop. I can tell what you're thinking. Please don't come to Portland"

"But I want to be with you"

"I am only a phone call away but I need space to do this ok?"

"I want to make a deal. No more radio silence. You call me every day, whether it is a good day or a bad one. I'll give you your space but I need you in my life"

Christen's determination was admirable and you wouldn't expect anything less.

"We have a deal"

"Pinky promise?"

"Ok"

"I need to hear you say it"

"Christen I pinky promise to call you everyday"

You decided not to get the major surgery. Life is short, you know this more than most, so you took your chances and worked with the physios to get you fit and healthy in time for the summer. It was difficult and there were days that you felt like giving up but you persisted, maybe a little too hard.

The bad days came along more than the good days but you kept your promise to christen. You called her everyday, sometimes twice.

You were promised a spot on the olympic roster if the doctors cleared you. It didn't matter if you didn't take part in the camps. The staff and players knew you belonged on the team, you could take a year off and still step on the pitch like no time had passed.

Just before the send off series, a rematch against Canada was organised. Due to the history of the fixture both teams felt they owed the fans a full 90 minute match. They agreed to have the game in Portland seen as though the city means so much to you.

Christen wanted to go to your apartment as soon as she landed but in the end she chooses to respect your wishes.

Your absence in the locker room was obvious. It was the first time that the national team had played without you in years and each player struggled with the thought of not having you on the pitch with them. Christen kept checking her phone every few minutes, you hadn’t had your morning call and something didn’t feel right. What she saw next seemed to add fuel to the fire.

“You can’t wear that?” Christen says when she watches Mallory change into her shorts. There on the left side was the number 7.

“Y/N told me to wear it” Mal’s defence was honest. She remembers getting the call from you, at first it was strange but then you explained the reason why and the young forward saw it as an honour.

“She would never do that” it is Tobin who speaks up “It’s her number and she wouldn’t give it up, not when she knows she’s—“ your best friends stops herself when she realises what you have done.

“When she’s what?” Mal asks.

“Never mind” Tobin retreats to her locker where she tries to call you only to get your voicemail.

The game ends in a 1-1 draw. Both halves were uneventful but the post match press conference made up for that. Canada goes first and as Christine Sinclair sits down she has no idea what she is in for.

The US team watch from the changing room given that their captain is next and they want to see what she gets asks.

“Christine do you have a comment on the latest news regarding your Portland Thorns team mate Y/N Y/L/N?”

It was a question that threw not only her off but the entire USWNT locker room. As far as they were aware you were recovering well and on track to return to the team.

“What news is that?” Christine says as she ignores the pit that is forming in her stomach.

“What are they talking about?” Christen asks Tobin. The insecurities of been left in the dark regarding your condition come straight to the surface.

“I don’t know” Tobin tries to hide her worry.

The journalist who asked the question remains quiet. It was clear that Christine didn’t know what he was talking about and he knew that a press conference wasn’t the right place to tell her and he shouldn't be the one to do so.

“Tell me, please” Christine encourages the journalist.

“I have a source that tells me Y/N was brought into OHSU this morning by ambulance and that she was rushed into emergency heart surgery” she can tell by the tone of his voice that he didn’t want to say it.

“This press conference is over” Christine leaves and heads straight for the opposing teams locker room.

The room that holds your team is so quiet you could hear a pin drop. They were all in a state of shock that left them frozen in their spot. The first to move is Emily who calls your number time and time again hoping that if she does it enough then you will pick up. Tobin is next, she calls you mom who doesn’t answer either.

“Hello”

Christen’s voice fills the locker room.

“Ok, I understand”

Her team mates watch and wait for her to tell them something, anything. Christen takes a deep breathe before turning her attention to the team.

“That was her doctor’s office. All they can tell me is that she is in surgery”

Christen takes a deep breath. A few days ago she begged you for honesty and against your better judgement you gave it to her. You told her everything and what followed was never part of your plan. After cooking a meal together over face time Christen asked you to say goodbye and you knew you owed her that. It wasn't a sad goodbye and you didn't talk about your past. You talked about a life where you are healthy, get married, have children and live long enough to grow old together then at the end you said your goodbyes.

It is the reason why Christen remains in her locker when the rest of the team get ready to go the hospital. Even as Christine comes to tell them the news that they already know, she remains still and calm.

"Christen, get your stuff together, we need to go" Tobin tells her.

Yet she doesn't move.

"I'm not going"

"I understand that things aren't great between the two of you but this is bad and she needs you"

That's the thing, even though you wasn't dating, you and Christen were in a good place. There were no more lies between you and it made your friendship stronger than it ever was.

"I've already said my goodbye and I don't want my last memory to be of her in a hospital bed"

The team couldn't believe what they were hearing. They had no idea you were at a point when goodbyes were necessary.

Given the seriousness of the surgery you were having, most of the team decide to go back to the hotel while a handful of them went to to the hospital.

Christen however asks for space and the team give it to her. She doesn't go back to the hotel, instead she goes to your apartment and uses the key you gave her to let herself in. She goes straight to your room and gets changed into a pair of your joggers and grabs a hoodie as she brings it up to her nose she takes a deep breathe in, it smelled just like you.

She gets into your bed, the one that you shared many times before. Then she gets her phone, opens up your thread of messages and scrolls until she find the one she is looking for. It was a voice note followed by the text 'don't listen now. Wait until it's time'. At first she thought it was vague but right now she knew now is the time you were referring to.

Hearing your voice knowing that there's a chance she won't hear it in person again brings Christen to tears and all you're doing is mumbling words of frustration as you have knocked a drink over whilst recording.

"Sorry about that. Now, what was I going to say? Oh yeah, I love you. It's been a while since I have told you that but if you're listening to this then i'm guessing you need to hear it. I know you are scared right now but I want you to know everything is going to be ok, I promise"

"How can you promise that?" Christen says to the phone.

"And I can promise that because you are one of the strongest people I have ever met"

She laughs at little at how much you know her.

"I know we said our goodbyes but now I want to say thank you. Living the life I have means that I have cherished everyday I've spent on this earth and those days have been better than I could have ever imagined because I got to share them with you. You see I was determined not to fall in love but then you came along and I found out how naive I was to think I had a choice in the matter"

"I didn't have a choice either Y/N" she replies as if you are there in the room with her.

"I never feared death growing up but now the thought petrifies me and it's because I have something to lose and somebody to live for. I want a future with you, I want to marry you, will you marry me? No Y/N what are you doing you can't ask the women to marry you over voice note pull yourself to together"

A small chuckle escapes christen's lips are she listens to you tell your self off.

"Would you marry me?"

She had never heard you sound this unsure before.

"I would" she answers your questions.

"I hope you said yes otherwise this next part is going to be very awkward. I take it your in my apartment right now and in my bed, if I am correct then you can open the draw to the left of you where you will find a small box"

Christen's interest had spiked. How did you manage to plan all of this over a voice note. Just as you said she finds a red box and awaits further instructions.

"Open it"

She does so and finds a diamond ring.

"This ring is open for interpretation but for me it's a reminder. Should I die I want you to remember the love that I have for you. I bought it during the world cup but I told myself that I would only give you it after I had told you about my condition. Can I class this as me giving it to you?"

You are about to answer your own question once again but out of nowhere you begin coughing and Christen winces at the sound. She doesn't know when you recorded the message but given that you are in surgery she can guess it was recorded in the last couple of days.

"Sorry, give me a minute"

Christen listens as you try to get your breath back.

"I really hope this is not the last time you hear my voice" she can tell you are scared.

"My dying wish is that you find peace"

"Don't say that" Christen begs.

"I truly am sorry for the pain that I have caused you. I never wanted it to happen. Goodbye my love"

Christen waits for you to say to more but you don't. That is the last part of the voice note. She lays in your bed long enough to watch the sunset through your window. In the same draw that held the ring is a photo album, one that you had made. There were photos taken over your career, of you and your friends and quite a few of you and her.

Later that night Christen receives a text from Tobin saying that you are out of surgery and that you should wake up in a few hours once the anaesthesia has worn off. Then she received a second message saying that you had woken up but Christen stayed in your apartment. When her phone goes off again she assumes it will be Tobin asking why she hasn't come to visit but that isn't the case.

Have you been watering my cactus?

Christen cannot believe it. You have just had major heart surgery and this is the thing you say.

You don't need to water a cactus. They live in the desert.

I knew that. I was just testing you.

She doesn't get the chance to respond before you send another message.

I know I scared you. Will you come and see me? It doesn't have to be today, it can be in a couple of days or whenever you are ready. It's not like I can go anywhere.

I'll come by the day after tomorrow. You need your rest.

You were disappointed to receive Christen's reply. You may have been surrounded by your mom and close friends but the only person want to see wasn't there.

Just as she said, Christen walks the halls of the hospital two days later. She finds your room but cannot muster up enough courage to go inside.

"She's ok" your mom's voice causes her to turn on her heels "The wires make it look worse than it actually is"

"I don't know if i'm ready to see her like that yet" Christen admits. It was the reason why she had waited this long to come.

"I understand but she has been waiting for you. You were the first person she asked for when she woke up"

"Is she alone?"

"No Tobin is in there with her now. She hasn't left the hospital since she got here after the game but she was asleep when I left. I'll give you some time with her" and with that your mom walks away.

The door to your hospital room opens and you are expecting your mom or more doctors but instead it is the person you love most in the world.

"Hi"

When you see Christen you notice the dark circles in her eyes and the way her smile is forced. You look her up and down as if doing your own inspection and that is when you see it.

Christen is overcome with emotion as she saunters over towards you and before you can say anything her lips are on yours. Nothing in this world compared to moments like this, when your connection with Christen is proven through a small act of intimacy.

When you pull apart Christen sits on the side of your bed.

"Nice ring" you hold her hand up just enough to see the diamond glisten in the lights.

"Crappy proposal"

At least now you know Christen listened to the voice note and wasn't just snooping around.

"It's wasn't a proposal remember? And I don't recall telling you which finger it was for" There is a hint of playfulness in your voice but the truth of the matter is you were happy to see Christen wearing the ring but then she takes it off and gives it to you.

"Y/N you gave me this ring because you thought our story was over but it isn't. Regardless of how long it is, we have a future together and I want to spend it with you so no more running, no more secrets or lies and no more protecting me from this" Christen gentles rests her index finger on your heart "You may not have proposed but right here I take the vow to love you in sickness and in health and to be your partner in the good times and bad"

You didn't know what to say. Christen knew everything and she still chose to stand by your side. You always said you didn't deserve her and now you know this more than ever but the difference is you are determined to spend your life making up for the years you spent keeping her in the dark. You will earn back her trust and show her just how much you love her.