#Ambivalence

[zegalba]

Atsushi Tani: Ambivalence (2013)

[drpenpusher]

I crave to be touched, but every time you get close to me, I flinch.

-Dr.pen_pusher

[madelee]

How I like to imagine the ZaDr dynamic. How they sift from enemies to something more. And what I fucking love about ZaDr.

Some thoughts.

Zim and Dib, two emotionally neglected kids. Having little to no friends or any emotional support system… They became the primary attachment figures for each other: Based on them being enemies this relationship/development… it’s bound to be very complicated and messy.

There are various emotions mixed up in their dynamic. The initial hatred, frustration, and antagonism because they literally are enemies… but also the feelings of bonding, caring, appreciation, respect, and understanding. Then when getting older, also attraction, passion, and all those fuzzy feelings get mixed in.

But essentially, all the positive emotions that one develops and gets to experience with a close person like love, adoration, connection, tenderness, compassion, or simply joy… all those also get mixed up with the ‘negative’ ones.

The brain quite literally connects feelings of affection and connection with violence, aggression, cruelty, abuse, and brutality. This is trauma bonding, reward-based learning, and positive conditioning.

Them being obsessive and excessive as a fundamental part of their core personality only adds as a multiplier.

When this happens in a critical life phase (being young and in adolescence), having nearly no other positive influences in life and being neglected (emotionally especially), this connection the brain made will get so deeply internalized and won’t ever truly go away.

It could also connect to your sexuality and all that.

(There are real-life equivalencies)

What I’m getting at is, all this makes just so much sense!

This dynamic and their relationship is super complex and nuanced because of this.

Their relationship is incredibly intense and yes totally toxic but also compassionate.

Them fluctuating between high psychological distress/tension (hating, fighting, obsessing, loving, being in denial about your existence, generally trauma responses e.g., through neglect, loneliness, abandonment) and then them experiencing the sweet release through the aspects of their dynamic (connection, closeness, intimacy) as mentioned.

This stuff becomes quite simply addictive to someone.

This is why they can get crazy shit feral/hardcore with each other and also feel pleasure while doing so.

Like cutting each other up (or open), taunting, fighting, beating each other...

But because I’m a sucker for ambivalence and stark contrast, I like to imagine them being very, very cute with each other as well (occasionally even without showing the bad stuff while being cute), still toxic, still abusing and batshit crazy but absolutely meaning everything to each other and deeply caring.

Fluffy but in an obsessive and excessive way.

They will always somewhat be mean to each other and never shy to argue, even if just in a teasing and more lighthearted manner.

This is their love language after all.

This is how they show they care, and it’s what they know.

Also, this is just how they are personality-wise: thick-headed, intense people with strong opinions and even stronger egos.

And let’s not forget about stupidness, dorkyness, and comedy sprinkled in.

ZaDr is a fantastic way to deep dive into complex inner psychological human workings and I love exploring this.

(I love love love intense emotions.)

It’s even comforting in a way, if you ask me.

Hate and love are so close for a reason.

It’s the most intense we can feel.

And I mean, I guess we all (or many of us) can somehow relate to not liking or even hating a close one (even if only sometimes). But when a real deep bond is established with someone and when affection is also part of your connection (even if only sometimes), this stuff just doesn’t go away. Toxic relationships are messy and certainly not easy nor black and white. You just understand this emotion… of how complicated you can feel about someone, and what complexity this can bring with it.

Note that, this is how I like to imagine it. One can have a totally different perspective on it and this is valid as well!

Also this is romanticized, fiction and reality operate differently. Cognitive dissonance baby.

[schizoidvision]

#3 🔤 Schizoid Words: A Guide to Understanding Ambivalence...

Definition: Ambivalence refers to the coexistence of contradictory thoughts or emotions towards the same object, person, or action. In psychology, ambivalence often involves conflicting feelings or attitudes, leading to uncertainty or indecision.

The Schizoid Experience...

Conflicted Feelings About Relationships: Ambivalence in schizoids arises from conflicting desires for intimacy and fear of emotional overwhelm or loss of autonomy.

Longing for Closeness vs. Fear of it: Schizoids simultaneously crave intimacy and connection while feeling terrified of being overwhelmed or consumed by them.

Withdrawal as a Defense Mechanism: Ambivalence leads to withdrawal into fantasy or indifference as a defense against perceived threats posed by close relationships.

Emotional Suppression: Schizoids may suppress their feelings to maintain control or detachment, resulting in a life that feels flat or empty.

Self-Sufficiency: Emotional distancing can make schizoids appear indifferent or aloof, hiding vulnerability behind a façade of self-sufficiency.

Schizoid Education Videos

[serenityquest]

[ambivalentlyyours]

[nvr04mnd]

🙃

[loneberry]

--Darian Leader, The New Black: Mourning, Melancholia, and Depression

Remember: it is ambivalence--not fierce attachment--that complicates and protracts the process of mourning, leaving the bereaved in limbo, forever tethered to a lost object by an unassimilable hatred and its attendant guilt.

[azukilynn]

ambivalence

how do you tell those few people who matter, who actually care, that you do not want to die but that you aren't very keen about living either

how do you iterate this going through the motions: clock-in, clock-out, eat, sleep, lather, rinse, repeat as nothing more than madness, sorrow, rage, silence, this endless, lonely fortitude

how do you sit on a fence without falling to either side, beauty here, decay there, both of them alluring, like the Sirens of Odysseus

how do you tell your best friend that you love her more than anything in this world, for calling you Sweet Sister

how do you straddle a conundrum, do you grip it with your upper thighs, as if it were a bucking horse, untamed, not yet broken, wild

how do you survive

azuki lynn

[its-all-gonna-be-worth-it]

you said you were gonna grow up,

then you were gonna come find me 🫧

[zegalba]

Undercover: 'Ambivalence' A/W 1999-2000 Designed By: Jun Takahashi

[drpenpusher]

"Will you be mine again?" he asked painfully with hope in his eyes.

All I can say to him, regretting and feeling ashamed, is, "I can't; you don't deserve this version of me."

-Dr.pen_pusher

[x-heesy]

𝚞ǝɯɐ ʎ𝚙𝚘𝚘𝚕𝚚

𝚆𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝙻𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝, 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚕𝚜𝚘 𝚂𝚑𝚊𝚍𝚘𝚠❕❕ -𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚂𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚢 𝚘𝚏 𝚖𝚢 𝙻𝚒𝚏𝚎

𝙿𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝙳𝚛𝚘𝚙: 𝙳𝚊𝚛𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 🎧

@frenchpsychiatrymuderedmycnut @bigbonzo

[serenityquest]

[ambivalentlyyours]

Always and everyday