#Alfred exterminator of rats

[timstephfangirl]

I see this pic all the time but what issue is it?

[t2316m]

Bruce is probably still afraid of bats, like this man was so afraid of bats growing up that it inspired him to be a superhero who instills fear? And you’re telling me he just got over it one day? I mean I’m sure he’s fine with the existence of bats but they still make him really really uncomfortable case and point

- Bruce’s cowl prevents him from looking up unless he goes full back bend, everyone thinks it’s a design flaw but in reality it’s so Bruce doesn’t accidentally look up and make eye contact with one of the hundreds of bats that live in the cave

- He was once at a JL meeting and thought Robin was hiding in his cape, instead when he lifted his cape a colony of bats flew out in various directions, if it wasn’t for Hal screaming his head off everyone would’ve caught the way Batman’s cowl eyes widened so much in shock the stitching around the white lenses nearly ripped

- Bruce really really really did not want to fight manbat when he first appeared, so much so that WE spent months investing in the pest control field, and it was very productive as Gotham saw a big decrease in rats and cockroaches unfortunately for Bruce, people were unsure what Batman was just that he was “Bat”Man so no one would dare touch the bats, much less the really big bat.

���That could be like Batman’s brother Mr. Wayne, we can’t exterminate him!”

*Bruce debating if he should pull a Lex Luther and base his corporation on his hatred of bats atp if it means he doesn’t have to touch manbat with his bare(gloved) hands cause just the mere sight of manbat gives him the ick, why can’t they all be like killer croc, cool dinosaur-esque monsters, ya know things that Bruce actually likes*

Bonus

- When Bruce told Alfred his (somewhat canonical) origin/decision to become Batman was because he was sulking by the window when a bat broke in and it was broad daylight and how that was a sign from his parents. Alfred did not see the sign or feel the inspiration and instead immediately booked Bruce an appointment to get his rabies shot

[ribcage-rodents]

The Root Munchers

It's a shame that Professor Westle was murdered. His lectures could be rambling but he was far more interesting than the substitute, Professor Dumpwart. Despite his dry monotone speech, Mink was sure to take detailed notes, that is until a spear-marked black moth landed gracefully on the edge of her notebook.

Surely it was an unnecessarily complex spell to achieve that specific moth but Niamh despite refusing to do schoolwork could be dedicated and sharp when it came to her reputation and style.

Mink shifted the tip of her yew wand from black ink and poked the moth. It unfurled into a scrap of parchment. Let’s get out of here, this class is worse than Cybele’s! It read in Niamh’s scratchy handwriting. Personally, Mink liked Professor Cybele, sure she was cross but she was passionate and cared deeply for her students. It seemed specifically Mink, it was like she could tell the young girl was struggling and she wanted to help her.

Mink rolled her eyes and shook her head at the girl sitting a chair away from her. Niamh glared, kicking back in her chair. But as Professor Dumpwart continued to drone on about the history of human-faerie relations Mink couldn’t help but give in. She could probably take more concise notes if she just read a book anyway.

Standing up on shaky legs Mink made her way to Dumpwart. “Excuse me Professor but I’m not feeling very well. I think I need to go lie down,” She then presented the note Nurse Goodwarith had given her when she was discharged from the sick wing. He scrutinized the note before sending her off with a wave of his hand. As expected Niamh was at her side the moment she stood up. “I should probably help Mink get to the dorms,” She said, smiling wildly. Only a few months into the school year Niamh already had the reputation of a troublemaker with the teachers. However, Dumpwart was new enough to trust her.

Seeing their friends head towards the door the other two members of the rat pack, Alfred and Casmir, stood up as well. “I don’t believe Miss Etoile needs an entire entourage to accompany her,” Professor Dumpwart said. Taking a quick look at the mostly sleeping students Alfred made his way to his desk anyway, Mink preferred privacy especially considering her mystery illness. “Well you see Professor Mink has a tendency to faint, so we need two people to carry her just in case,” Professor Dumpwart allowed it with another dismissive wave of his hand. “Yeah, come on Cas!” Niamh called.

The only substantial reason Mink could come up with as to why Nimh hated Alfred so much was because he was a changeling. Normally Mink herself would never associate with one as she was raised in the Unseelie court, a group of faeries that believe humans should be exterminated and therefore so should their children, the changelings. But there was something special about Alfred, something that was slowly changing Mink’s beliefs about humans and their spawn.

Mink let Niamh link arms with her as they walked, after all, Mink was feeling rather dizzy today. Casmir slipped his own arm through hers. A cold squirmy feeling filled her gut. She wasn’t sure why, Mink had known Casmir as long as Niamh. Although maybe it was because Casmir had only just become her friend this year while Niamh has been at her side their entire lives. But Mink didn’t mind when Alfred helped her walk, and they only met this year. There was something special about Alfred though, something that drew Mink in and broke down her barriers. When she had first met him he was a pathetically timid and shy dumb creature but underneath he had a wicked sense of humor and a hunger for mischief. It felt as if she knew him her whole life as if he was her twin brother.

“Where are you going!?” Casmir asked when the two girls didn’t head towards the yew tree dorms. “You didn’t think we were actually going to Mink’s room right?” Niamh asked, raising a black eyebrow. “Well, what else would we do?” Casmir wasn’t as devoted to rule-breaking as the rest of the rat pack and Mink often found herself wondering why he was friends with them at all. “We should wait for Alfred,” Mink said, avoiding the disgruntled look she’d find on Niamh’s face.

As if on cue the last of their pack came racing through the halls, his feet splashing on the surface of the magical waterways. “Thanks for waiting!” Alfred called looking directly at where Mink’s eyes were hidden by her thick purple bangs for he knew she was the only reason they waited.

As a group, they headed towards the Hag statue, their favorite place to go once discovered at the beginning of the year. One by one they crept into the passage way hidden behind the statue. “We should head to the sweets shop down in that human village and steal all their candy!” Niahm exclaimed grabbing onto Mink’s arm and shaking it in her excitment. Mink smiled warmly at her oldest friend as a chorus of agreements sounded.

But only a few moments into their journey Casmir cried out, all three friends looked back at him. “What’s wrong!?” Mink asked urgently. “My foot’s stuck! Some kind of loose board,” He responded shining the bright tip of his wand to illuminate the hole holding his boot. “OK, Alfred you pull from behind, I’ll get ot the root of the problem,” Mink directed. As Alfred wrapped his arms securely around Casmir, Mink began to smash her foot against the wood quikly breaking it down. Casmir fell back against Alfred in a heap.

Niahm peered into the opening pushing long black hair from her face. “What do you think is down there?” She asked as Mink joined her. “Hmm.. only one way to find out,” She smiled deviously at the other girl.

Lowering herself into the gap Mink let herself drop to the hard dirt packed floor below. A few moments the rest of the rat packed joined her. “Careful there are roots everywhere,” Mink said skating around a large thick tuber snaking through the ground. “Where are we?” Casmir said admiring the wooden ceiling in the dim light. Mink examined the passage carefully, calling a flame to the tip of her wand she lit a torch mounted to dirt walls. Her friends applauded with grateful cheers and yet an icy feeling clung to her bones at the memory of that awful Persephone-girl who burnt her hair and blinded her left eye. “See this is why we need you, the smart one of the group!” Niahm called throwing an arm around the taller girl’s shoulders.

They wandered deeper into the cavern until the dirt turned to dusty stones broken up by wild roots. “Hey guys check it out!” Niahm called using her wand to create a crude drawing. “Who’s that supposed to be?” Alfred said making a face. “It’s Dumpwart obviously,” She seethed. Mink smiled. “I’m not sure if we should vandalise this stuff,” Casmir’s eyes darted around the room as if Professor Cybele was bound to emerge from the shadows at any moment.

Taking out his wand Alfred drew a picture of Niahm with immature stink lines and a degrading speech bubble. “Haha that so funny,” Niahm bit out. “I thought so,” Alfred said back jovially. She raised her wand to his throat a spell brewing at the tip when Mink stepped in. “No fighting,” She said simply walking farther down the cavern. “You aren’t our keeper! You can’t decide what I do, you aren’t even the leader of this group!” Niahm called after her.

The leader of their group, Mink sighed, at some point early in the year it was something Niahm had become obsessed with. She was convinced that she was leader and that everyone was a threat to her rein. Personally Mink didn’t care, they were friends there shouldn’t be a power struggle, at least that’s what Alfred had said. But Mink and Niahm weren’t raised that way, in fact her parents would be furious Mink wasn’t fighting for the title of leader. Although now wasn’t the time to argue something was shuffling in the far off darkness.

“Shh..” Mink whispered, Niahm fell silent. She skated slowly into the darkness lighting the nearest torch. And there was that sound again, something muffled and soft. Peering into the darkness she could almost she the silhoueett of something. Lighting another torch light was suddenly cast on the creature. It’s fuzzy nose wobbled as it took in it’s visitors. “Oh,” Mink murmured. It seemed to almost be a giant mouse which made sense considered their school was a collection of giant trees.

The animal stood suddenly onto it’s back legs stretching up to brush the ceiling with it’s head. It bared it’s razor sharp teeth as it’s mouth stretched unnaturally wide and a gross shrill noise emitted from it’s throat. The rat pack stood in silence staring at the massive creature. Using it’s snake like tongue it collected the drool falling from it’s mouth maliciously, excited for dinner.

“Run,” Mink said horsely. When no one moved she repeated it louder. Turing on the wheels of her boots she raced down the passageway grabbing both Niahm and Alfred’s arms as she went. The beast screamed again chasing after them. More mice bean to crawl along the walls and ceiling. “There’s the exit!” Casmir shouted breathless. “Hurry boost her up!” Mink shouted pulling Niahm to her side. Casmir climbed onto Alfred’s shoulders holding Mink who pushed Niahm to safety. One of the creatures snapped at Alfred causing them all to fall. “Get up!” Mink yelled motioning to the hold in the ceiling. She brandished her wand casting flame once more desperate to hurt these monsters like Persephone hurt her. But the mouse snapped her wand like the twing it was with it’s powerful jaws.

Upclose there was something odd about the mice, their breath was cold against her face. “Mink!” Alfred called reaching from the opening to grab her hands. She reached for him but couldn’t shake this odd feeling, she stared into the beast’s black watery eyes and felt deep within her bones a connection, like she knew this monster like she new her own blood.

And then the rat pack up pulling her up and running back to the hag. Mink tried to leave the odd bond behind. “That was awful!” Casmir cried once they were safely back in the school’s waterways. “Are you kidding that was amazing!” Niahm said her grey eyes shining with mirth. “Maybe because you didn’t almost die,” Alfred shot back although he was smiling. “And what may I ask was this amazing adventure?” A cross voice asked, the rat pack shared a terrified glance, Professor Cybele!

She came from around the corner her stern gaze piercing them. “I can explain Professor,” Mink came forward. “I wasn’t feeling very well and my friends offered tto take me back to my room. But then they were wandering around the school and I’m too weak to stop them,” Professor Cybele raised an eyebrow. “Very well, all of you detention tonight in the history room with Professor Dumpwart, except Miss Etolie you get some rest.”

With a collection of groans and curses the friends headed back to the yew dorms. “Why’d you throw us under the bus?!” Alfred asked at the same time Casmir cursed Mink for never getting in trouble. Truthfully Mink felt that Cybele knew she was as guilty as the rest of the rat pack but she wasn’t about to prove herself right. Instead she picked up the latest novel she was devouring and bid farewell to her unlucky friends. “Have fun in detention!” She called sweetly. “Oh bunk that man,” Niahm called, “I’m skipping!” She followed Mink up to her dorm. “I’m just going to be reading,” Mink responded, “It’s better than Dumpwart,” She said, Mink giggled. “Plus it’s nice to hang out with you alone,” Niahm said suddenly taking a serious tone, an unusual occurrence for the girl. “I’m skipping too!” Alfred announced bursting into Mink’s private dorm. Niahm groaned. “Well if you guys are skipping then I’m skipping,” Casmir said. Sighing Mink put her book down, there was no use trying toread around these fools, although she couldn’t help but smile. She’d never admit it but she cared for them deeply.

[yourthiccgoddessmidna]

Alfred nodded. “Yes ma’am!”

At the mansion Mr. Biggs was making sure no one was around. Once Biggs saw both his boss and the kids were away. “Alright. Bring it in boys.” Groups of people were bringing in flowers, food and some muscle was bringing in Magoni and his wife. Magoni shouted. “You and that fat bitch have a lot of-” Biggs put tape of Magoni’s mouth. “Now now. You couldn’t just stick with gambling like your dad. You just had to muscle into potions. But don’t worry. You’re gonna be the third best thing I’m giving to my honeybuns today.” Biggs was holding a red box. Biggs pulled up a phone. “Voice mail. Must be busy looking over the summer line. Hi honey, that rat problem we have, I got an exterminator at house. See if you can make it as soon as you can.”

Several minutes later, there was familiar sounds of mighty steps approaching. It wasn't long until Mary squeezed in. "Hello, I'm here! Sorry that I am a little late, I had to oversee some new products." She looked around to decor of the room while seeing the binded Magoni and his wife that were set up neatly. "I see you've been making this good for me, hm?~" She smirked.

[incorrectbatfam]

How old would you say Carrie is? Because I know she’s been Robin, but she was also Damian’s tutor in acting. Which number Robin would she be? And got any headcanons about her and Damian?

Technically, she’s been the third Robin + Batgirl + Batwoman (we ignore Catgirl), but she’s also from an alternate universe and her existence is barely canon. I refer to her as Batgirl and I kinda envision her with this costume instead of that bright pink and green disaster one. For me, personally, (and I know I’m way off), I put Carrie at 13 as Batgirl and Damian around 10–12 as Robin, making them the two youngest. 

(Also, she can definitely still be his acting teacher because I’ve seen some kid coaches.)

Headcanons below the cut

Carrie is great at acting and Damian’s not too bad himself, so when Jason’s in a bad mood they’ll act out Shakespeare for him

As the youngest, they get away with pinning a lot of things on their older siblings. Steph and Tim are the main victims

Carrie convinced Damian to buy matching Heelys as a “tactical advantage”

Damian can no doubt hold down his own in a fight, but still, the batfamily better not hear about anyone messing with their baby brother. People can expect Dick’s lectures or Jason’s guns, but it’s Carrie they fear the most because she’s ridiculously protective and no one knows when or how she’s gonna strike (she once flooded a kid’s bedroom for calling Damian a bad word)

They watched Star Wars one time and they decided to engineer real lightsabers (and Duke took the heat for it ‘cause he showed them the movie)

These two are not allowed to be on the same snowball fighting team on account of the time Carrie slingshotted snow-encased rocks and Damian carved an ice blade

They’re the resident snitches that the rest have to look out for. Carrie usually does it accidentally because she’s a chatterbox who talks before thinking. Damian does it intentionally

Carrie makes an agreement with Jon Kent so there’s always someone cheerful and optimistic to balance out Damian

They recreated Homeward Bound with Ace, Titus, and Alfred the cat

Carrie mastered the puppy eyes. Damian mastered the tantrum. Together they can get whatever they want (especially from Dick)

They have blackmail on each other. Damian has receipts from when Carrie lied about her age to rent The Wolf of Wall Street while Carrie has video evidence of Damian calling the cat a “pwecious wittle kitty-witty cutie-patootie”

One time when the Riddler was monologuing they just pushed him into the harbor

They tried to get into a club with a fake ID and the “two kids in a trenchcoat” trick. It failed, and now there’s a running where the others point at tall objects and say “look, it’s Damian and Carrie”

Damian’s jealous of Carrie’s Girl Scout badges because those are a measurable sign of achievement, so she buys a button maker and creates ones for Damian for things like defusing bombs and adopting animals

Carrie is great at rollerskating. Damian is hilariously terrible

Bruce can carry one under each arm

They’ve declared Wayne Manor an animal sanctuary and nobody is allowed to call an exterminator on the bugs and rats

Carrie, for some reason, loves playing Rainbow Road on Mario Kart, which is why Damian refuses to play with her

They once got their fidget spinners and throwing stars mixed up, so Damian wound up bringing five Spongebob fidget spinners into battle and Carrie got detention for playing with a shuriken in class

Damian tracked down the Rogues’ hideout and Carrie went there with pots and pans like “I ain’t get no sleep ‘cause of y’all—”

[alarawriting]

52 Project #6: Birds

(I am not 100% positive that this is a story per se, but it’s as much of a story as China Mieville’s “The New Death” and other such “new weird” stories, so... here you go.)

***

One day all the men in the world woke up to find that they had been turned into birds.

It began in New Zealand, where a day is first born on the planet Earth. By the time that women were waking and going into hysterics because the men and older boys in their lives had all turned into birds, the men of Central Asia, India, and the middle of Russia had already gone to bed. It was late enough in Europe that many men were getting ready for bed; a large number of them missed the warnings. Not that the warnings helped; men who tried to stay awake all night stayed human, but sooner or later, they all had to sleep.

In Western Europe and the Americas, there was an idea that maybe if someone would keep waking a man up, he wouldn’t turn into a bird, so many women kept watch by their husbands’ bedsides. It didn’t help. No one was able to see the transformation; they’d blink and a human lying in bed would suddenly be a bird. Even with high speed cameras, it proved impossible to catch the transformation. One frame, human man; next frame, bird. And they were many different kinds of birds – pigeons and roosters and peacocks, ostriches and starlings and falcons, flamingos and penguins and seagulls. Practically every kind of bird you can imagine, including some extinct birds – at least two men became dodos and one became a passenger pigeon.

Fortunately, it turned out that the birds could still talk, and sounded exactly like the men they used to be. This was helpful when linking birds to their former identities, because of course, none of them matched the pictures on their ID cards. It took a little bit longer to convince everyone, closer to a week, but eventually it was proven that the birds all retained every aspect of their former intelligence and personality.

Birds argued that this meant nothing should change significantly; birds could still go to work at their old jobs. This was true of birds who worked in banks and in IT and in management, for the most part, but any jobs that required physical strength, dexterity, or simply having a human-sized body? Birds couldn’t do those jobs. So for a while there was a severe shortage of plumbers, electricians, construction workers, garbage collectors, and bus drivers. Some New York city pigeons argued that if people with no legs could drive cars, surely adaptive equipment could be built to let pigeons drive the buses, but it was easier to get women to do the job than to build such equipment. Birds either lost their jobs entirely in those kinds of industries, or were kept on the payroll to teach women how to do what they had been doing when they were men.

For a while it was thought that there were occasional anomalies – men who didn’t turn into birds, women who did – and this gave people some idea that the situation could be reversed, but this proved to be a false hope. To a man, everyone who didn’t turn into a bird was not in fact a man; anyone with a penis who didn’t turn into a bird was either a trans woman or a nonbinary person. Likewise, trans men did turn into birds – male ones. All the birds were physiologically male even if they had seemed to be women when they were human. This was a stressful situation to be sure, since all the trans women had just been forcibly outed, but on the other hand, it was fairly good evidence for their contention that yes, they really were women, that whatever force had transformed the men hadn’t touched them.

After an initial difficult adjustment period, birds who’d been men were soon flying, or in the case of penguins, swimming. Some domestic geese and roosters, too heavy to fly, hit the gym to train their wings and lose weight. Personal trainers who were now birds devised regimens that other birds could follow, to strengthen their wings, and personal trainers who were still women helped birds to do the regimens, since there weren’t yet gym machines designed for birds. Birds discovered, to general happiness on their part, that whatever special ability the bird they had transformed into had, they now had it. So pigeons could always find their way home, and roosters could crow. Roosters in fact were very, very fond of crowing. Owls could see very well in the dark and eagles could see tremendous distances and parrots could imitate any sound they heard and pelicans could stuff their beak full of whatever they wanted to carry.

In addition, the birds they’d become seemed to have some connection to the personality they’d had as men. Men who’d thought there was no place like home became pigeons. Men who’d been models or actors who’d loved to show off their handsome bodies became peacocks. Men who were short and aggressive and always on the go became hummingbirds. The species was usually appropriate to the location as well; birds of wild, native species always turned out to be living in the area that species was native to. Temperature and environment seemed to also be a factor; the only men who turned into penguins had been living in cold places, near water. Since the entire Southern Hemisphere was having winter at the time, this might have resulted in a disproportionate number of penguins in Africa and South America, but it was more common for birds who weren’t penguins, who’d loved Polar Bear Challenges and skiing and cold weather sports, to regret the fact that they weren’t penguins because it was too hot for penguins where they lived when the change came, than for penguins to regret their penguin identity.

This was all quite nice and a boon for the birds, whose lives had been so very disrupted by their transformation, and many argued that in fact they had the far better deal than the women who’d gotten to keep their humanity; they had their intelligence and their speech but they could also fly. How awesome was that? Women generally responded to such comments either with amused tolerance, or with an obscene gesture that involved the use of an opposable thumb, because of course that was the main thing the birds had lost. Many bird talons were very dexterous and had opposable thumbs, but they were feet, and the birds couldn’t use them for the same tasks that had been easy for hands. Deaf birds were devastated; by losing their hands, they’d lost speech. They could type notes to their wives or mothers or other birds in their life, but it wasn’t the same. Groups of deaf people, both birds and women, gathered to discuss and work out signs that birds could make, but this was essentially telling birds that they needed to learn an entirely new language to translate their own into.

Plus, there were certain biological realities that had upended the order of things that humans had grown to expect. Now, aside from a few ostriches, cassowaries, emus and other very large birds, every human woman was bigger than most of the birds. Birds who’d been abusive men found themselves in cages, and when policewomen and policebirds came to do wellness checks and investigate why a certain bird hadn’t been seen in a long time, those cages often ended up in closets or the basement or the attic, and were never found by the police.

It wasn’t all that suspicious. Many birds, especially ones who’d lost their jobs, had decided to give up on running the human rat race, and had abandoned their human families and flown off with a flock of like-minded birds, usually of similar species. Why not? Birds could forage for food on their own – they didn’t need to go grocery shopping. Why did they need money, or jobs? They could live like the wild birds did!

A lot of these came back, injured by predators or far too thin, because they didn’t know nearly as much about getting the available food as the never-human birds did.

Many birds died in the early days – cancer patients couldn’t get chemo that would work on birds, but they still had cancer. Men who’d needed open heart surgery became birds too small for anyone to safely operate on. Also, there weren’t nearly enough trained bird doctors. Most veterinarians knew dogs and cats; bird specialties were rare. And obviously, human doctors knew nothing about birds. So there was a massive shortage of doctors who could do anything about the problems birds suffered, and half of the few doctors there were, were birds themselves.

Birds who were vets with a specialty in birds were shadowed by women who were vets, and sometimes women who were human doctors, trying to learn all they could about care for birds. Women and birds in veterinary colleges elected to learn about birds, and the same professors who taught bird specialties to veterinarians were called in to teach med students. Most countries allocated huge amounts of money to getting bird doctors trained up and ready as soon as possible.

The balance of power shifted. In the United States, several female senators argued that birds had no business being allowed to make laws for humans. What if all they did was vote for free birdseed and the extermination of cats? The bird senators argued that the United States was now a country for both humans and birds, and needed to be represented by both. The women pointed out that there were far, far too few women for that to make sense; birds should represent birds and women should represent women, and since every senator here had been voted for by humans, and now only women were humans, all the existing seats in the Senate should be taken by women, and birds could go have their own Senate. Some human senators from states where gun rights were important showed up to the senate exercising their Second Amendment rights to carry weapons… which, of course, birds could not do. In response, a falcon insisted on reading the entire script of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds into the senatorial record. In the end it was decided that the states would vote on a constitutional amendment to set aside one seat per state for a bird and one for a woman, and in the meantime, a lot of senatorial birds got female aides or proteges to speak for them in the Senate, so anything the bird wanted to say went through the human first.

Many other countries went through similar experiences. In countries where women had been virtually or entirely shut out of power completely, birds found that their expertise in rule was not desired, thank you, and many, many birds found themselves in birdcages. Large numbers of women objected to this, arguing that if it was the will of God for women to rule, God would have already allowed this. Other women retorted that what better evidence did you need that God wanted women to run things than that God had turned all the men into birds? More egalitarian countries generally had more peaceful agreements between women and birds as to how to split up leadership roles.

The President of the United States – the new one; the old one had been tragically killed when he’d transformed into a house wren, a very small bird with a very loud mouth, and the First Lady had accidentally rolled over on him in the middle of the night – agreed to abdicate in favor of the Speaker of the House, who was a woman, if the House would pass an emergency resolution that there would be a new election as soon as possible and that birds and women should both be explicitly authorized to vote for any candidate of either type, bird or woman. Birds were suddenly very much in favor of gun control, and while many women had been in favor of total freedom to use guns, more women in general favored gun control as well, so the United States finally got sensible gun laws.

In Great Britain there was a kerfluffle – Queen Elizabeth was ancient and her heir was a bird. It was argued that birds, no longer being human, could not possibly still be part of the royal bloodline. Birds, of course, argued against this proposition, and women in Great Britain didn’t generally have guns. They did, however, have rocks. It turned out that the remarkable human ability to throw rocks was now a problem for birds. Her Majesty ended the conflict by demanding that Parliament pass an emergency amendment allowing birds to serve as King so long as there was a woman of sufficient rank and bloodline standing as his Queen.

Of course, all of this was going to be moot very soon if humanity didn’t confront the elephant in the room – sex and reproduction.

The sperm banks were going to deplete within a generation. Trans women and nonbinary people born with penises could make a great deal of money selling sperm, if they still had the equipment to make it with, because women still wanted children. Immediately after the change it had seemed that perhaps the human race would be spared after this generation, because baby boys hadn’t transformed – boys as old as 4 had remained human. However, within two weeks, the news went around the globe that a little boy had just turned into a bird, and it continued to be the case that as boys aged, they would transform into birds too. The population of humans who still had testicles that worked was very, very small, and scientists warned that there would be unacceptably high risks of massive interbreeding if every cis woman who wanted a baby was buying sperm from a trans woman. Fertility experts worked day and night on finding a way to either cause a somatic cell in vitro to undergo meiosis, or to permit two eggs to be merged into a viable zygote.

Birds had lost all sexual interest in human woman. Many birds still had lingering romantic feelings for the women they had loved, but it wasn’t sexual. Instead, they were sexually attracted to other birds of their species. The gay and bi birds were widely considered to have gotten the best of it, since while many male-male couples were broken up by the two birds being of different species, at least some got to be two birds of the same kind, and they could continue to be lovers. And some couples made it work even when they were different species of bird. Obviously, nearly every single heterosexual couple – with a few kinky exceptions – lost their sex lives completely. Birds who’d been straight men would mate with never-human birds, and while many women, and some birds, argued that this was bestiality and it was repulsive and should be against the law, most birds felt that it was necessary. What other options did they have?

Meanwhile the sex industry was turned upside down. Prostitutes and porn stars and other sex workers suddenly had no clients interested in what they had to sell. But they knew the truth – human women were horny, and desperate for sexual contact with human men, which could no longer happen. Straight-up porn of the wham bam thank you ma’am type was not appealing to most women; whether having been raised to think Good Girls Don’t, or having some biological predilection, none could say, but the truth remained that women wanted their porn in context, with men who had strong emotional bonds with the people they were ostensibly fucking. Lesbians had no trouble finding porn in the new world, but it was heterosexual women who were starved for sexual attention, and they were the new big market.

Different strategies for creating porn with men in it were used. Some dead men or former men were resurrected on film by the miracles of CGI. Women with strap-ons could be rotoscoped into handsome men. The biggest new market, however, was animation. Birds still sounded like men – their voices tended to be tinny, lacking the full timbre of a human voice, but this could be fixed by a good sound mixer – so voice acting became a very popular profession for birds. Some birds went into doing phone sex; they weren’t interested in human women anymore but they were interested in fat paychecks, and they remembered what it had been like well enough to act.

Similar transformations encompassed Hollywood and in fact the entire entertainment industry. Rock stars who’d been famed for their voices could still sing, but they couldn’t play guitar, or keyboards – some birds managed to keep up with drums – so birds who could sing ended up making albums with women who could play instruments, and the stars who’d been famous for their virtuoso skills with their instruments… either went into singing also, learned how to program synthesizers to sound like the instruments they’d once played, or took advantage of their ability to mimic noises to be their own instrument, singing like a bird instead of like a human. Or left music entirely. Theatre, for the most part, dressed up women to play the parts of men, although some more avant-garde productions kept birds in some important roles. Movies and TV became dominated by CGI and traditional or computer-assisted animation, although some television shows set in supposedly modern times just rolled with it and incorporated the bird transformation into their storylines, so they could keep their bird actors.

Things settled down after it had been a year or so since the transformation. Birds still worked in entertainment and in professions where their minds were their greatest assets – writers, professors, researchers, programmers – and in most countries, were guaranteed all the legal rights they’d had as humans, though some countries had adopted new rules regarding bird representation in their government. Women did everything else. This left a lot of unemployed birds – they couldn’t all do phone sex – and many of these either opted out of the human race, joining in flocks of like-minded birds, or they stayed in their homes all day, surfed YouTube, and played video games with controllers that had been designed for birds.

It was around that time when scientists made a tremendous breakthrough. Sperm from birds, if collected rather than deposited into another bird’s cloaca, would, after two or three days in a refrigerator, spontaneously transform into human sperm. The human race was saved. Birds still didn’t have any sexual interest in human women, but many birds were definitely interested in the ability to father human children; their bird children were ordinary never-human birds, unable to speak. Fortunately, birds who’d been romantically interested in women back when they were men were often still romantically interested in women, and women found that they were entirely capable of falling in love with birds. For sexual release, birds needed to be with birds and women usually turned either to vibrators or to women (or sometimes nonbinary people with penises, but many of those felt uncomfortable in relationships with average women, feeling that most women saw them as men even though they weren’t), but women could pet birds, and birds could preen women’s hair, and birds and women could still join finances and households and raise children together.

The killing of birds was outlawed almost everywhere, since how could you tell the difference between a never-human bird and a bird who was just tongue-tied? Some argued that the killing of female birds should still be okay, but others pointed out that birds could father never-human female birds, and that even though their children couldn’t talk and had animal intelligence, they still loved them. The poultry industry was devastated. People discovered that lizards tasted just like chicken, and soon breeding lizards for food was a new norm. Unfertilized eggs were still considered edible, so hens were still raised for eggs, but never-human roosters were often dumped in the woods because they couldn’t be killed and they weren’t useful to egg producing farms. They usually ended up feeding some creature who wasn’t a human. Sometimes those creatures were formerly human birds of prey like falcons or eagles, who knew it was illegal to feed on other birds, but knew they’d probably get away with it because no one cared about the never-human roosters except some animal rights activists. Roosters who had been human were not legally allowed near the egg farms; no one wanted them to mate with hens and perhaps produce rooster chicks who’d eventually be abandoned in the woods. It was, however, perfectly legal for a rooster to buy hens and keep them in a coop at his home, as long as he understood that he had the obligation to protect and provide for any offspring from such a union.

Eggs being breakable by rooster beaks, very few roosters actually ended up having to support chicks of their own.

Before long, things had settled down into a new normal. “People” now consisted of human women (and non-binary people, but they were a small enough part of the whole that sadly, people kept forgetting they existed) and talking birds. In addition to having a birthday, boys got to celebrate their bird-day, the anniversary of their bird transformation, and All Birds’ Day – the anniversary of the day the world changed -- was an international holiday. Girls and non-binary children – basically, all the kids who remained human – would study “humanity” between the ages of five and seven in preparation for their “confirmation”, an official recognition of their human status. While humanities, plural, had once meant the study of art, literature, history and languages, “humanity” was a class aimed at children that focused on human history (with rather more emphasis on the contributions of women than their parents remembered from their schooldays), and at teaching skills that were specific to being human, or at least, to not being birds. Throwing balls. Playing musical instruments. Endurance running. In rural areas, shooting a gun. In coastal areas, swimming. This wasn’t technically unique to humans – penguins could swim underwater, and many birds could swim on the surface – but it was true that most birds couldn’t do it. Sometime between a human child’s seventh and eighth birthdays, they would usually have their confirmation ceremony, affirmatively declaring their humanity, and then they’d get to celebrate their “human-day” like the boys got bird-days.

This was done as late as it was because of the trans boys. Most trans boys didn’t change as young as the cis boys, but almost all of them had changed by the age of seven. A rare few wouldn’t change until they were teenagers; this was thought to be the result of the hormones of puberty hitting the brain and finalizing the child’s gender. This didn’t happen the other way around; birds had much shorter childhoods than humans, so little boys would always change into adolescent birds. The lifespan of formerly-human birds seemed to equal to the lifespan of humans, not the species they’d turned into – at least, so far, although at this point no one could yet tell if maybe the parrots might have been shortchanged a bit -- but the boys got through adolescence and into physical adulthood long before their skills at navigating civilization were solid. High speed cameras left focused on apparent boys successfully, once or twice, caught a moment where a child became a bird and then immediately turned back into a human, and after this they were always certain that whatever they were, they weren’t boys, even if they’d seemed to identify as boys previously. So trans girls and nonbinary children with penises were never birds for longer than half a second, because when they changed into birds, the hormones that finalized their gender were already present and said that they weren’t male. However, these cases were very, very rare – in general, a child of seven was either a bird or a human and would remain so for the rest of their lives.

It was somewhat more than two years after the transformation when a new phenomenon was discovered. Fledgling birds would wander into cities or other human settlements, go to sleep on the ground even if they were a bird species that normally roosted up high, and then they’d turn into toddler girls. Invariably, when it was possible to figure out where they’d come from, it turned out they were the result of formerly-human birds mating with the female offspring of other formerly-human birds, so in a sense, these birds were three-quarters human to start with. It didn’t seem to happen to all of them – in a clutch of four eggs, all of which hatched female, maybe one would be strongly attracted to humans, and the ground, and would then turn into a human child. Generally, when birds saw female fledglings on the ground near human habitation, they would bring it to the attention of women, who would often scoop up the bird and keep her in a human crib for a while. If she didn’t change, she’d eventually fly off. These bird-girls didn’t know human speech, obviously, when they first transformed, but they caught up and were usually fully verbal to the expected level for their development after a year or so. They tended to be more independent than human children of the same apparent age, but also very sociable, craving the presence of humans. Some longed to fly and begged their adopted mothers for hang gliders and zip lines; some were very happy with being grounded. Egg-clutch-sisters of the human bird-girls remained non-human birds, unable to talk, but were often far more intelligent than their species would normally suggest, as were their brothers.

Humans worried about what might be happening out in wilderness where humans rarely went, and where a fledgling bird would have a hard time finding a human habitation, but no one ever found a child, alive or dead, in those circumstances. Perhaps whatever compelled the bird-girls to seek the ground and the presence of humans wouldn’t allow them to transform if they couldn’t find those things.

Life returned to normal. Bird boys went to school beside human girls. (And nonbinary children. They weren’t common, but they existed in large enough numbers that there was usually at least one in a normal-sized school at any given time.) Boys who couldn’t find a profession that was open to birds that they would enjoy would graduate and then, often, fly off to spend a few years in semi-wild flocks of formerly human birds. Very few girls ever had trouble finding a job, given that all the jobs that birds could no longer do fell on them. Both were encouraged to get a good education to ensure they could get a job they actually wanted.

It was very useful for humans and birds to live together, if the bird wanted to live as part of civilization and have access to internet, television and refrigerators for their bird food. Birds and humans could pool their income, raise children together, and compensate for each other’s species-based inabilities; among the things birds could do that humans could not were environmentally friendly bug extermination (many birds loved to eat bugs, and with human intelligence, it wasn’t hard for them to seek out and destroy anthills and wasp nests), alerts for potential dangers (bird hearing and eyesight were often better than human, and prey birds, with eyes on either side of their heads, could see a wider range than humans with their stereoscopic vision), and early detection of noxious gas (when a bird in your house complains that he’s dizzy, you grab him and run.) And of course there were many, many things that the women could do with their height, strength and opposable thumbs, that the birds could not. Because of these advantages, and because birds and humans could be romantically attracted to each other, birds and humans began to date, just as they had when the birds were men, but without any expectation that they would have sex (aside from formerly mentioned extremely kinky couples.)

Birds who resented the lack of opposable thumbs or human size learned to pilot robot drones that had such things; humans who resented the lack of flight took up ballooning, small aircraft piloting, hang gliding, bungee jumping, and every other thing that humans had always done to get as close to flight as they could. Oddly enough, almost everyone was happy with what they were. Little boys would eagerly share with their preschool playmates what sort of bird they hoped to be, but whatever they got, they usually found they were satisfied; little girls might initially be upset that their playmates got to be birds and they didn’t, but by a girl’s confirmation she’d been taught all the advantages of being human and usually thought it best that that was what she was. Birds and humans might be somewhat resentful of the other’s abilities, but in the end most of them agreed they wouldn’t really want it any other way.

Aside from the deaf birds, who had to completely reinvent sign language for talons and wings, accommodating disabled humans’ needs became much, much easier in a world where companies and governments had to accommodate birds of various sizes, abilities and needs; at least usually the disabled humans were roughly within the same size and shape range, in comparison to the diversity of birds. Racism remained, but was much harder to act on; while white women often continued to be racist to black women, they couldn’t tell what race a given bird had been unless his accent or his speech patterns gave it away, and birds mostly got over racism because they were too busy being prejudiced against other bird species. The idea of discriminating between humans on grounds so tiny as skin tone and hair consistency became ridiculous when you could be a chicken and have to deal with other roosters ranging from tiny gamecocks to giant Oshamu roosters, not to mention, every other bird in the world that humans had turned into. Religions had turned weird because they all had to take into account the concept of a God who’d turned all the men into birds; birds tended to think that God was probably a bird, and women tended to think that God was probably a human and either female or genderless, so most religions split in at least two, notwithstanding the ones that had multiple schisms because birds of different species all wanted to imagine a God that favored their species. Polytheism came back.

Sometimes there were still wars, flocks of birds viciously pecking and slashing at each other in the air while women on the ground shot at each other, and at birds wearing the enemy colors. It didn’t happen as often as it used to, though. Terrorism continued, and even got worse at times, because security measures designed for humans couldn’t keep birds out, but the disaffected young men who had no jobs and no futures, that had usually supplied the backbone of any terrorist movement, just weren’t there anymore. They were out flying in flocks with their friends, enjoying the freedom of the air and hunting for food. And environmentalism became a deadly serious issue; birds were more likely to be negatively impacted by any drastic change to the environment, so most of them were strongly in favor of reigning in the excesses of capitalism and cleaning up the planet. Who wanted to fly in a cloud of smog?

All in all, it was surprising how much better the world built by birds and humans, working together, was than the world that had been before. It was far from perfect, and there were many new problems that hadn’t previously existed – women’s near-universal sexual frustration, birds being unable to get jobs, the high cost of having children in a world where artificial insemination was the only means by which all but a tiny number of the women could get pregnant, plus the phenomenon of birds having ridiculous prejudices against other birds, as well as many others. But other problems that had plagued humanity for centuries turned out to be very easy to solve once all the men were birds. And so the people of Earth stopped looking for a cure; they were happier in the world where half of them were birds than they had been before, overall.

[movieswithkevin27]

The Birds

As someone who is deeply grossed and freaked out by birds, Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds is a tough watch. Many people need to be convinced that something is wrong with these birds in order to believe that they are vicious killer. Not me. I know that they are merely rats with wings who should be exterminated just like the vermin they really are. Personal prejudice aside, of course, birds are vile creatures and Hitchcock's film pulls back the veil to reveal the true, heinous, and cruel nature of these beasts. Starring Tippi Hedren and Rod Taylor, this film is showing its age spots with some questionable bird effects. However, the fear it conjures will never age with terrific sound effects and a terrifying premise sure to continue to sway public opinion against birds for the rest of time. It is only through public service announcements such as this film that the birds will be defeated and I encourage everybody to watch this fatally important film.

With relatively solid performances from Hedren and Taylor, with moments where they slip into B-movie quality acting, The Birds is a terrifying film. Telling the story of birds who attack a small coastal city in California named Bodega Bay, the film is very much one about fearing the unknown. With many people not knowing that birds act like this, it takes everybody by surprise in the small town. However, Hitchcock was one of the first people to really give birds credit for how smart they can be, as though birds admittedly do not attack people, they also peanuts for brains. The scenes of attacks are always incredibly menacing, but are bolstered by the sound. Sometimes using a suspenseful and thrilling score, the film equally relies upon absolute silence aside from bird chirps. With the film laced with bird chirps throughout, Hitchcock replaces "what goes bump in the night" with "what goes chirp outdoors". Constantly surrounded by these violent aviators, the characters in The Birds have nowhere to hide, as shown the sound effects. No matter where a character goes, birds follow. If there is silence, it is purely an indicator that things are set to get worse at the beaks of these winged demons.

The "master of suspense" is in complete control throughout creating a thrilling atmosphere throughout as a result of the aforementioned score and bird sound effects. Lacing every movement with incredible amounts of dread, it leaves the audience wondering where the next attack will come from. The film also introduces some surprising gore with characters being pecked by birds, including small children, and a man having his eyes plucked out of his head (we only see the aftermath). Shocking for the time, this film had to have really stunned audiences in 1963. In 2017, the film is still shocking with Hitchcock unafraid to put his stars in imminent danger and creating a well paced and thrilling film. Always leading up to the climax, the build-up of the film sets the tone and the scene perfectly and the pay-off of the film is terrific as it pits Melanie Daniels (Tippi Hedren) and Mitch Brenner (Rod Taylor) right up against the assailants from hell.

Of course, the film has aged with the acting slipping into too much melodrama at times and the bird effects being quite lackluster. You can always tell they are puppets and it is quite jarring and near comical at times to watch. Of course, the good part is that Hitchcock's penchant for suspense has not aged, thus even when the effects fail, the atmosphere and tension never cease. That said, it is worth noting as the film may fail to scare some audiences due to these aged special effects. If you are able to suspend belief a bit and just go with it, however, then the film will remain as terrifying as ever.

The Birds also further dives into Hitchcock's Oedipal obsession. Psycho is well known for this with Norman Bates embodying both himself and his dead mother. The Birds, however, certainly has a lot of this as well between Mitch Brenner and his mother Lydia (Jessica Tandy). Disapproving of every girl Mitch dates, it is speculated that Lydia is afraid to be alone and Melanie declares that Lydia is possessive of Mitch. Oedipus is even referenced in the film in regards to the relationship Lydia has with Mitch, especially after the death of her husband and Mitch's father. While her fear of abandonment is pretty common, it is worth noting and shows Hitchcock's interest in examining the subject. Honestly, the film could be seen, to a degree, as being a depiction of Lydia fighting against Melanie, who Mitch fancies quite a bit. Though the birds attack other people as well, its kills include an ex-girlfriend of Mitch's. Additionally, they only begin to attack once Melanie shows up in town. It may be coincidental, but the birds also specifically begin attacking her and are constantly showing up wherever she is. Of course, she is the star, so it is possible there is nothing here, but it strikes me that Hitchcock may used the bird attacks to symbolize the motherly instinct to attack and reject the woman her son loves. By the time Lydia begins to accept Melanie towards the end of the film (following the final attack on her), the devious animals have ceased attacking and are instead just gathering and waiting for the next victim. As such, it can be surmised that Lydia has accepted Melanie and no longer has it out for her.

A terrifying classic of a horror film, The Birds may be a bit dated for some, but for those willing to indulge its 1960s horror instincts, it is a deeply rewarding film. Scary, suspenseful, and thrilling, The Birds reveals the true nature of birds to the viewing public and needs to be heeded as the warning that it is before it comes to life. Birds must be stopped, one way or the other.