#After the first attempt of just writing it on the tumblr page alone got fucked up because tumblr decided to be an opp and reload

[highbookwormofthecentury]

Epic au. Gimme. Gimme gimme gimme (I’ve thought ab this too much-)

Okay so I have many aus but the main one is this:

Odysseus: Garmadon

Penelope: Misako but in this au she'd be Koko because we love Lady Iron Dragon

Telemachus: Lloyd ofc ofc

Anticlea: Either Mystaké or the fsm

Athena: Also either Mystaké or the fsm (probably Mystaké though)

Poseidon: The Overlord

The Cyclops: The Great Devourer

The Sheep: Metals (will be elaborated on later)

Zeus: The Source Dragon of Energy(? Idk)

Hera: The Firstbourne, maybe

Ares: The Source Dragon of Strength

Aphrodite: The Source Dragon of Motion

Hephaestus: The Omega

Apollo: The Source Dragon of Life

Hermes: Antonia OR The Mailman

Polites: Vinny

Eurylochus: Wu OR the Time Twins (two very different elements here (get it? Because they're Elemental Masters—) that would drastically change how the plot goes)

Perimedes: Ray

Elpenor: Libber

The rest of the crew: The Elemental Alliance

Troy & the Trojans: Ouroboros & the Serpentine

The Lotus Eaters: The Islanders

Aeolus: Either Vangelis, Vania, or even maybe Firstbourne

The Winions: baby dragons, maybe? Like Vania’s dragon? Or the Firstbourne’s children? OR—wild take that idek HOW I’d do, but the Darkley’s kids. Might have to add it into one of my Lloyd as Odysseus aus.

Circe: Aspheera

Circe's nymphs: Pyroserpent hatchlings

Tiresias: Quanish the Elder

Calypso: ??? (Maybe the Forbidden Five so I can make Ogygia the Nether-Space)

Charybdis: Wojira

The Suitors: The Sons of Garmadon

Eurymachus: Harumi

Antinuous: Pythor

Sirens: ???

Scylla: Nyad

Sun god’s cattle: ???

The Wind Bag: Bag that holds the Realm Crystal

Plot:

Troy Saga—Ouroboros Saga: The Elemental Alliance defeats the Serpentine during the last battle of the Serpentine Wars, which takes place in the sacred city of Ouroboros. Instead of imprisoning them in tombs, the Elemental Alliance just slaughters them. Dunno if I’m gonna make Astynax a random serpentine hatchling or someone actually relevant yet. When searching for weapons suitable for defeating possible challenges during the voyage home (as their weapons ended up breaking due to the intensity of the wars), Vinny and Garmadon head over to the Island of the Keepers in search for helpful weaponry (also, the Elementals are exhausted from the wars and need actual weaponry now instead of just their elements, as they kinda overused them during battles). The Islanders warm up to Vinny’s joyous whimsy, while Garmadon is being a bisexual mess traumatized angst lord. Their weapons, however, are made of vengestone, which is poisonous to Elemental Masters, so the Islanders direct them to a cave in the Sea of Sand where ancient weaponry and strange metals allegedly reside. Before leaving, Garmadon swipes some of the vengestone because THE VOICES—he’s also pretty sure it’ll come in handy later. Garmadon begins to allow Vinny’s mindset to settle with his beliefs, so of course Mystaké has to come in and be all like “hey wtf are you doing that’s stupid” and snap him back into his Warlord mindset. Once Garmadon is successfully re-traumatized, Mystaké stops intervening(no hate to Mystaké we love Mystaké she’s a girlboss). 

Cyclops Saga—Serpent Saga: Garmadon brings a small group over to the cave, where they find heaps and heaps of Chronosteel and Ninjagian metals, along with Serpentine knives and other Serpentine weaponry scattered around. Garmadon swipes some of the Chronosteel with part of his gi/tunic/chiton (whatever I decide to make him wear) covering his skin, and slips it into a compartment on his belt or in a pack or something (he finds a way to keep it on his person. Source: trust me bro). The Devourer, who is under the sand, feels the shift in vibrations and rises from her place underground. Upon sensing Garmadon, whose Oni blood caused her insatiable appetite, she enters a frenzied rage. But—and imma sprinkle in a fun little hc here—when the venom sterted corrupting Garmadon’s body, mind, and soul, it also altered his biology, so if he pushes REALLY hard he has VERY SLIGHT serpentine abilities. He uses the fragments of Hypnobrai hypnotics and enters a telepathic link with the Devourer, temporarily talking her down and offering her a bundle of Elemental-infused metals, as it should combat against her Destructive hunger. She accepts, and consumes a bundle of metal wrapped in cloth. Then she turns on him and his crew and tries to eat them all. Garmadon attempts to direct his forces to defeat her, but she quickly gains the upper hand after killing Vinny (I’M SORRY, VINNY—). Garmadon, paralyzed by his grief and shock, kinda just stares at Vinny’s corpse while other soldiers are being consumed by the Great Devourer. The Devourer suddenly collapses, and whoever imma have take Eurylochus’s role snaps Garmadon outta his shock. Garmadon reveals he has been stealing small portions of each Elemental’s power, and infused it into a small piece of Chronosteel, which he fed to the Great Devourer—along with some vengestone, which, mixed with the Elemental powers, is a very potent poison. While the Great Devourer’s out, the others snatch up Serpentine weapons from the ground and carefully cut off four of her fangs without getting any venom on them. As the last fang is yanked out, the Great Devourer lets out an ear-splitting wall of pain, awakening once again. Garmadon yells for his forced to scatter, and they discover wild Serpentine from all different kinds of tribes requesting to know who hurt their deity, but because Garmadon’s a little shit and didn’t tell her his real name earlier, she says his alias “Nobody” (you have no idea how much I wanted to change Nobody to Darmagon). The other Serpents disperse; Garmadon attempts to leave with his crew and the weaponry, but Mystaké tells him to kill the Great Devourer. Despite her venom, Garmadon feels remorse after invading her home and sawing off her fangs, and not only ignores Mystaké, he gives The Great Devourer his name, credit card number, social security number, ip address, area code, address, character profile, etc. with his theater kid ahh speech “I’m the reigning King of Ninjago. I am neither man nor mythical—I am your darkest moment. I am the infamous…GARMADON” or whatever 🙄 because he thought that was a good idea somehow? Then what basically happens is Mystaké flames him for his choice and Garmadon flames her for her shitty social life so she dips out, but in her ominous as shit Oni Warlady way.

That’s the plot so far that’s absolute, almost everything else is ever-changing.

Other Established Lore Points:

The Overlord is Poseidon because the Great Devourer is a vessel of his. Also he’s a petty little bitch—

Garmadon uses the Realm Crystal (as it’s a substitute for the Wind Bag) to take him and his crew over to Mysterium, where they encounter Aspheera.

Why is Aspheera in Mysterium? The real question is, WHY NOT—

I felt like Aspheera just fit well as Circe. If you have any ideas for what could take the place of her nymphs instead of pyroserpent hatchlings (which will look more like regular Serpentine instead of the giant serpents they were in S11) please lemme know!

Aspheera charges up the Realm Crystal so they’re able to travel to the Underworld. Because it’s actually in both the Odyssey and Ninjago lore, I don’t have to figure out which realm to sent them to THANK TOMMY ANDERSON—

In Monster, Garmadon embraces the Devourer’s Venom and his Oni Violet eyes turn Devourer Red.

During Wisdom, Mystaké takes to mentoring Lloyd, who reminds her so painfully intensely of Garmadon she’s actually freaking out a little.

Also, if you’re wondering how Pythor is there despite being Serpentine, I have two possible solutions to this. A.) Some serpentine who surrendered ended up being allowed refuge in Ninjago, and ended up becoming integrated into society. Remember these are the Serpentine WARS, plural. The wars have been going on for a while, so in this case Pythor would be mixed—part Serpentine, part Ninjagian. OR, option B.) Pythor’s just a full on human in this au.

Btw Eurymachus is the suitor who tried to manipulate Odysseus into not killing them “cut off the Serpent’s head” and all that jazz. A decent portion of the suitors in the Odyssey were actually around Telemachus’s age. Between Eurymachus’s manipulative nature and his close age with Telemachus, I decided to make Harumi take his role, as Lloyd is Telemachus in this au. Harumi idolizes Garmadon in this au as well, but she sees his family as weak and manipulated Pythor into being the one to incite the siege on the palace so she wouldn’t take the fall if it failed. She didn’t anticipate that Garmadon did NOT in fact care for her (like bro he hasn’t even MET you he’s been out fighting in WARS for DECADES).

Calypso’s Island might be the Nether-Space if I make the Forbidden Five take on Calypso’s role.

God Games takes place in either the Ethereal Divide or the First Realm. I might change the Source Dragons out to be mostly Oni Warlords as the Olympian Council instead…

Also btw Mystaké was HEAVILY implied to be an Oni Warlord, and I hc she’s Decer, Oni Warlady of Deception. I have many points to support this but this is not the post for that rant.

When Garmadon is released from the Nether-Space, he’s sent to a random point in the Realm of Ninjago, far out from the Island of Ninjago.

He goes through his whole ahh journessey and shit, and when he finally is about to reach Ninjago, the Overlord intervenes like a PETTY LITTLE BITCH—

Mystaké is fuming from where she’s healing (in an Oni Temple in the First Realm)

The FSM is fuming from his place in the Departed Realm

If Wu’s alive at this point, his brother instincts kick in and he gets annoyed without knowing why. If he’s dead, he’s fuming with the FSM in the Departed Realm

The Overlord redirects the currents and sends Garmadon to the Realm of Madness, where he has amassed a whole ass ocean of Dark Matter. He attempts to blackmail Garmadon into entering of his own volition to become a new vessel for the Overlord. When Garmadon refuses, the Overlord snaps and just manipulates the Dark Matter into pulling Garmadon under, Poseidon style (he has a Crystallized Vengestone sword that he uses to hell him maintain control of the Dark Matter as he manipulates it). Garmadon has a few traumatizing cute hallucinations, and the Dark Matter has a strange reaction with the Devourer’s Venom…

Garmadon revives and snatches the Realm Crystal from where it floats beside him. His Oni side goes feral and he breaks the surface of the Dark Matter, wings—that are CANONICALLY APART OF HIS ONI FORM—keeping him in the air as he fights the Overlord. He uses the Realm Crystal ro transport them to the Realm of Ninjago, mid fight. He slams the Overlord into the Dark Island the Ody slammed Poseidon into those rocks. The Overlord’s storm that raged through the Realm of Madness is still raging on the Dark Island. Garmadon picks up the Overlord’s sword and practices a type of weaving that Koko should probably try out on the suitors instead of the shroud (he makes a patchwork of the Overlord’s flesh). The Overlord eventually relents, calling off his storm, and Garmadon works to finish his voyage to return to his kingdom. He faces no obstacles.

Lloyd, who went on a quest to find out what the fuck happened to Garmadon (btw his Telemachy crew was either the Ninja or the Darkley’s kids. I have been roped into a specific hc that Lloyd had friends“acquaintances” at Darkley’s—Gene, Brad, and Sally. You can probably find some of those four being goofballs somewhere in my reblogs), returns home to hear the suitors plotting to kill him and immediately runs to stash all the weapons in the armory without hearing the bit they say about Koko. Garmadon hears, though. Not a single suitor survived the massacre. Lloyd enters in the same dramatic fashion his family always does—theater kid style. Except, in this context he stabs a suitor in partial Oni form (Oni form but his face is his human one with dragon and Oni traits scattered on it). Lloyd is recognized as the Green Ninja when four formidably strong suitors manage to wield a Golden Weapon each. Lloyd then proceeds to let his developing Dragoni traits help him battle against the suitors, Mystaké guiding him through the whole thing. When Lloyd shouts “STOP” before that one suitor encourages the others to take up arms, it’s because he has a vision of what they’re about to attempt. When that one suitor says “got him” they stab through a wing of Lloyd’s, and dislocate it by using it to both push him onto the ground and pull him towards them. Garmadon is actually two seconds from disintegrating the entire landmass of Ninjago from sheer rage. The only thing that stops him is the fact that if he did that, his loved ones would get hurt. He executes them all, Odysseus-style. Lloyd is impressed and slightly worried. Well, he flinched each time a suitor was shot. He kinda just looked like “yeah I’m used to it” when Garmadon said “You plotted to KILL my SON”. Lloyd immediately flips his script when Garmadon says what they planned to do to Koko. His Oni side kinda flares up, and he stands up, clutching his injured wing (which is folded towards him) slightly. Garmadon is far in front of him at this point. All previous sympathy for the suitors leaves Lloyd’s eyes, and when an actively dying suitor (who was shot by Garm) reaches out to Lloyd in a silent plea for help, Lloyd narrows his eyes and crushes the suitor’s hand under his boot. (Unknown to both Garmadons, Lloyd’s eyes flash a familiar red for an instant…) Garmadon finishes off the last of the suitors (some stared in horror at Garmadon, others stared in horror at the terrifying creature that was nothing like the kid they terrorized, his aura emitting pure evil and hatred). Then Lloyd instantly switches back to the socially awkward/sassy WRECK that we know him to be, and fumbles his way through his reunion with his dad, but it works out because Garmadon is equally autistic. Garmadon and Mystaké have a quick little yap sesh, and they (in their own confusing way) agree to try to mend their relationship. Garmadon reunites with Koko, who’s two seconds from throwing him out the window for even SUGGESTING that he’s not who he is—the man she’s waited on for DECADES—AND for implying that she ever fell out of love with him. She successfully outsmarts him (as always) and they reconcile. Noises come from their bedroom that Lloyd wishes he could erase from his mind, instead opting to clean up the palace with Mystaké’s amused guidance. Stuff happens. And everyone is happy…for now…

OH! Also if you’re wondering why Garmadon didn’t just use the Realm Crystal to go to Ninjago instead of going on this whole ass side quest…it’s because he can’t.

Only the First Master (and Lloyd, if he receives training for it—but no one knows this yet) has the ability to control the Realm Crystal. Garmadon is one of the few who can activate it, but he is unable to control its course. Aspheera was a special case, she knew a spell that enabled her to chart a single destination for the crystal. She couldn’t choose Ninjago, as it was too far in distance from Mysterium.

So, this means one of two things. Either A.) the Source Dragons slightly aided him when he used the Realm Crystal against the Overlord, or B.) He just got extremely fucking lucky that the Realm Crystal chose Ninjago.

(Garmadon knows these are the only two ways that his return to Ninjago happened. He doesn’t know if the Sources DID help him or not, but ever since his return, he’s prayed to them every night)

So yeah! Lemme know if you have any other questions about this version of the au!

[sj-ficrecs]

1,000+ followers fic rec!

Recently noticed at some point a little while ago I passed 1,000 followers on this page! In honor of that here’s another fic rec of some good ones I’ve been reading lately. As usual, no specific order. 

PREVIOUS FIC RECS HERE!

(Hopefully this shows up in tags bc my last one didn’t & tumblr wouldn’t fix it) 

Thanks to @whimsicalrogers for this divider I’m using below :)

Bucky x reader:

3B by @softlybarnes Bucky x reader

“Bucky is used to being alone, so is the girl living in apartment 3B. He keeps to his routine, to crossing off amends. But mutual loneliness forges an unlikely friendship. Alone and reclusive, sweet and incredibly strange, with deep secrets and regrets, 3B has more to reveal than meets the eye.”

(un)cool by @belowva rockstar!Bucky x reader

“in the summer of 1973, after covering the howling commandos’ concert for a night, you - a young and inexperienced music journalist - accidentally end up following the up and coming band from new york city across the country. between shows, parties, backstage nonsense, interviews and failed attempts at writing a cover story for rolling stone magazine, you end up developing a love/hate relationship with their brooding, but devilishly handsome, guitarist james “call me bucky” barnes. (based on “almost famous”)”

Your Song by @summergrls​  Rockstar!Bucky x reader

“it’s not summer without you. or, that’s what your favorite rockstar always says. it’s all happening.”

Last Love by @wicked-mind Modern!Bucky x reader

“Based on the quote “He may be your first love but I intend to be your last” by Klaus Mikaelson.”

Remember Me by @wicked-mind​ Modern!Bucky x reader

“Y/N and Bucky were the unlikely match when it came to love, but they were inseparable since they met. After a fight, Y/N left to be a trauma surgeon in the military and returns without her memories. How will Bucky remind Y/N how she is the fire in his bones?”

Cake by @tellmealovestory (Part of the Something More universe) Modern!Bucky x reader

“The wedding plans continue as you and Bucky try to decide on a cake flavor.”

My Eyes by @invisibleanonymousmonsters Bucky x reader, past Steve x reader

“Steve is a good man, America’s golden boy, a hero. He’s Captain America for christ’s sake! So it’s normal to want what he has… right? Bucky knows he doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t even deserve the second chance at life he’s been given. But Bucky can never let him know. Steve can never find out that his friend is in love with his best girl.”

The Mess by @sanguineterrain​ Bucky x Avenger!reader

“A wild night in Vegas changes everything between you and Bucky. Suddenly, all eyes are on you and you’re left wondering just how much can change between you and a man whose guts you hate (and who also hates yours).”

The Devil Has Lilith by @write-orflight Bucky x reader, soulmate AU

“They say your soulmate is supposed to be the one person you love unconditionally. So why did they make yours so insufferable?”

College!Bucky series / Couldn’t Be Me by @drunken-imagines College!Bucky x reader

Bucky is a known fuck boy trying to win over reader

Best of Friends by @anna-phora Modern!Bucky x reader

“When your best friend steals marries Bucky’s best friend, the two of you are left with only one solution: to become best friends yourselves.”

Back to You by @celestialbarnes Modern!ex-Bucky x reader

“desperate to find a place to stay after your boyfriend cheated on you, you end up crashing at bucky’s apartment, the problem is he’s the ex that you never really got over and he’s got a new girl who doesn’t like you very much.”

It’s Been a Long, Long Time by @luminnara Alpha!Bucky x Omega!Reader

“When HYDRA had their prized asset, the Winter Soldier, they did something no one ever thought was possible: they gave super soldier serum to an omega. With the sole purpose of tending to him during his ruts, she spends decades living in HYDRA facilities, denied her humanity and her life. Now, years later, Bucky Barnes has his mind and his own life back…and the last thing he ever expects is to see a familiar omega again. Bucky/OC, a little angsty but mostly smutty/fluffy/romantic!“

Friends Don’t by @watchtowerindistress Bucky x reader

“Reader is in a friends-with-benefits relationship with Bucky Barnes. Rule #1: no feelings - so don’t get attached (written by Bucky). Rule #2: don’t ever stay over (written by (Y/N)). After a fateful mission, one of them is going to break all the rules.”

Just a Touch by @buckychrist Bucky x reader

“Your powers? Controlling any feeling a human can have, from emotions to pain, with a simple brush of your fingertips. Your mission? The traumatized soldier with sad stricken eyes and scream filled nightmares.”

Under Pastel Skies by @redgillan Modern!Bucky x Artist!reader

“Bucky doesn’t need anyone, especially not a sugar baby. He isn’t that desperate… but she smiles so sweetly and she’s endearingly awkward, and he’s so lonely. She’s an artist, a painter, the type of person who always puts others before herself. Throwing caution to the wind Bucky offers her a place to live, a place where she can finally paint whatever her heart desires. He doesn’t need much in return; a friend, a muse.”

A Long Ways Away by @ai-unknown Bucky x reader

“Connection, reconnection, and a small miscommunication. Bucky will travel however far, if it means making you smile.”

No Rest for the Wicked by @abovethesmokestacks Trucker!Bucky x reader

Based upon this ask: “i have the absolute weirdest urge today to get railed by trucker!bucky in a motel in like southern florida🤨 and it’s late too, maybe 3-4 am. the place is kinda seedy & it’s rlly humid and hot outside & the ac barely works so we’d both be sweating a lot but it makes it hotter”

Meanwhile in Louisiana by @multifandomwriter Bucky x reader

“You are Sam’s best friend and you meet Bucky when Sam organizes a party down at the docks.”

A Tender Heart by @river-soul Alpha!Bucky x Omega!reader

“You’ve been sweet on Bucky since you started working at the compound six months ago. Normally quiet and mild mannered, an unexpected fight with a coworker brings Bucky into your orbit.”

Steve x reader:

Jane Doe by @justkending Modern!Steve x reader

“They weren’t next door neighbors, but they did live in the same apartment complex. However, they were on completely different sides of the complex. Steve always sees her across the way doing her daily routines and way about life on her balcony from his own. Something about her has him checking in on her from across the way when he can… She’s intriguing and has a way about her life that he finds calming and captivating. He wants to know more about who she is, but there’s no non-creepy way of approaching a neighbor that doesn’t know you exist. Is there?”

[hanijunk]

Alright boys, girls, and nonbinary folks of the world. It’s 5:36am (1/30 when I first started) as I decide to give up on my attempt to continue to focus on learning statistics, avoid studying for my two upcoming midterms, and put off my two actual essays for two different classes.

Instead we’re going into a dive about ✨ KazuFuuma ✨ . Is this me telling you you gotta ship it? No of course not, you’re entitled to your own ships! You don’t really gotta care about it as a ship. But I do want people to recognize it’s THERE canonically, and how disregarding it is extremely unfair to Kazuki as a character particularly. Also, I’m working on the assumption anyone clicking this at least knows the bare bones about what KazuFuuma (ex. You know they are a ship of Kazuki/Fuuma from Dolce, you know they are childhood friends, you know who Dolce is, you know about Honeyworks, etc.) I’ll be making references to specific things, but I won’t always go into heavy detail. Might just hope you know it or take my word for what it is, and go into analyzing it. Some I’ll put direct references to find, but some I’ll trust you can find it yourself. If you somehow read this MAMMOTH and want reference to a specific thing mentioned, hmu I can help you find it!!

Also I hate tumblr formatting sm if you legit wanna read this 7 page essay but hate tumblr format lmk I'll add it as a google doc link instead too. anYWHO

Before actually getting into the meat of things lemme preface some stuff.

Again it’s like almost 6am so this will be disorganized and very train of thought (and likely long due to the fact when I fly by the seat of my pants I’m known to get unnecessarily extensive). It’s definitely gonna be in large part why it’s important to recognize as a romantic relationship foundation and what about it shapes Kazuki’s character in particular. Maybe a bit of how it’s been built up and its general focus and implications. Dunno yet. We’ll see LMAOO

I say f*ck. Not a lot, just a handful of times. This ain’t something scholarly this is for my own enjoyment so if you don’t like that might not wanna read. And it’s not like spitefully I just curse a lot if you haven’t...read my tags before lol

Again this is through the lens of a Kazuki stan. Of COURSE I’m going to have some level of bias, but if anything that bias may help more than hurt because that means I become FIXATED and think a lot about Kazuki. Which plays into establishing just how important it is that Kazufuuma’s relationship is recognized, especially in a romantic light at this point. Lmfao. 

I’ll have a few more prefaces about the actual content below but to keep this from getting too long if you wanna read come below the cut owo

I have extremely limited knowledge of Japanese just taking a few classes in highschool (so like 3 yrs ago) and live in America. This means a lot of my knowledge is gathered through the english translations of the super duper incredible and lovely people in the Honeyworks fandom who provide translations (delaix and takanenene esp have provided so much for me being able to understand Dolce) and my own limited Japanese paired with Google Translate for things that remain untranslated.

This only will be drawing on information I have come in contact with and have access to and making assumptions based on that, most (if not all) of which is in the public domain. So things like the Dolce Manga Volumes released via Animate, exclusive 4komas, and Light Novels are out of my area for the most part (apart from again snippets of translations thanks to this fandom’s godlike and generous translators).

I will not be drawing on anything from the first Dolce album with the exception of Nade Nade. From a meta standpoint, I consider those songs as songs made as performance media as opposed to character explorations. Nade Nade is the exception because (1) it was released a whole year before the album and (2) you can tell it’s explicitly an exploration of Fuuma and Kazuki’s interpersonal relationship even if it’s in a slightly more performance based context than the songs that came out with the Dolce LNs. Easiest parallel I can make to show this is if you held Non-Fantasy, Yume Fanfare, and Samishigariya up against each other, you could tell the difference in intended audience and intended purpose the same way the Dolce 1st album, Nade Nade, and the songs of the LNs do respectively. Even if there is some basis to ground Kazufuuma, for the purposes of this essay I’ll be acting under the assumption the 1st album falls under the Non-Fantasy equivalent category.

THAT WAS A LOT OF PREFACING CONSIDERING LIKE 2 PPL WILL PROBABLY READ IT I just have a tendency to anytime I do anything analytical lay down ground acknowledgements for myself to work on just...cuz it makes me feel less guilty for any accidental misinformation even if I’m writing towards my future self to read lolll IM SORRY WITHOUT FURTHER TO DO HERE’S THE BRAIN DUMP

First let’s go ahead and establish why it needs to be recognized as an important relationship. Again, I’m a Kazuki stan. He’s my favorite character not only of Dolce but also of the entire Honeyworks series, and as much as I love him for reasons outside the ship, whether you like it or not Kazufuuma is an essential aspect of his character and narrative. Of course there’s the fact that him and Fuuma are childhood friends, so that’s going to in part define their characters and interactions with each other and those around them. They’re both going to be relevant to one another and important to one another’s stories to an even greater extent than the rest of the members of Dolce. But on Kazuki’s side at least, it’s an EXTREME amount. A running plotpoint in Dolce Diary is the sheer amount of dedication Kazuki has to Fuuma and how much his thoughts and decisions are influenced by Fuuma, whether it be how he feels happiest spending time with Fuuma, how he decided to get his piercing to represent he wanted to protect Fuuma, how he doesn’t want to dislike food so he can eat what Fuuma dislikes, etc. Not to mention running jokes about his borderline overprotectiveness and downright possessiveness of Fuuma, how proud he is when Fuuma gets praised, or that one 4koma that literally explicitly states he can read Fuuma’s mind when he thinks motherfucking ‘dirty thoughts’ about his childhood friend (Fuuma). I still don’t know what the fuck to make of that last bit. Genuinely. Or the fact it’s a fucking running joke. As in it’s not a one off. It’s been brought up multiple times. Kazuki what the fuck. 

That’s not to say that he doesn’t have character outside of Fuuma or he doesn’t interact with people other than Fuuma. He’s great friends with Sara, Girisha, and Kippei and is shown time and time again to have fun interactions with all of them, generally acting as the best support friend for every member of the group, not Fuuma alone. For instance how he helps Kippei with his self confidence issues or stays over at Sara’s to protect him from a cockroach (which he fails at lol). Nor is that to say all his interactions involving Fuuma focus solely on his devotion to Fuuma, especially in instances where the manga focuses on Dolce as a group dynamic (though even in that setting there are times where jokes about his devotion are thrown in). He’s kind, he’s stupid, he’s friendly, he’s an amazing character in his own right, and I love him for all those reasons. But that doesn’t change the fact a major part of his character and his character interactions are rooted in Fuuma, and arguably some of his most interesting, eccentric, and notable behaviors and traits revolve around Fuuma (again the mind reading for example).

Hell let’s take it one step further. If you look at the character bios of the Dolce members, you get everyone’s motives for being an idol and interests. Of them, Kazuki is the only one to have another character mentioned directly, not to mention that supporting Fuuma is explicitly stated to be his primary motive as to why he became an idol. Not even Fuuma’s sister is mentioned, though two arguments can be made for this. The first would be that Fuuma’s backstory about wanting to fulfill his dream for himself and his sister was decided later to explain Fuuma’s choice to crossdress though it can be argued it was intentionally done to leave it as a reveal at a later date, to which I would argue I don’t think this backstory was a choice in post. While Fuuma’s dedicated Dolce Diary extra exploring that backstory was released a little less than a year after Dolce was revealed, the preview to set up Fuuma’s backstory was actually the first thing released after the character bios on the Dolce Official Twitter page if you exclude a drawing of Dolce from Yamako. The second argument could be that information about his sister was intentionally withheld to set up the reveal when Fuuma’s extra released to explore it. However, going by that logic (which I do agree with), that would also mean that Fuuma’s inclusion and importance in Kazuki’s character bio also set up his dedicated extra, which I don’t think would be incorrect to assume considering what his actual extra turned out being.

Which brings me to the thing that makes it inexplicable to write off the romantic implications behind Kazufuuma: Kazuki’s dedicated Dolce Diary extra, Suki. I shipped Kazufuuma before even knowing of Suki, sure. But the fact that Suki even exists is a shock to me and drove into me the fact that Kazufuuma wasn’t just my own projection. Again, it’s not a surprise that Fuuma shapes Kazuki’s life. They’re childhood friends, of course they’re going to be important to each other. But this extra explicitly brought Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma under a direct spotlight. At first I was thinking oh, this extra was just to acknowledge the fact that Kazuki and Fuuma’s relationship can have romantic implications, but the end of it the conclusion that we got was that it didn’t matter what type of “like” he felt for Fuuma. Originally, I thought it wasn’t anything more than saying there are all types of like, and it doesn’t always need to be explicitly defined, but I appreciated the fact they were aware that they were writing Kazuki in a way that conveyed romantic implications. 

Then I thought about it because, again, I love Kazuki of course I’m going to think about his character extra, and realized...that’s not how these character extras have worked. There are only three character extras out as far as I know and have read: Fuuma, Kippei, and Kazuki. If we look at Fuuma and Kippei’s, each extra had a conclusion, sure, but they didn’t have a resolution. Rather, they were simply setting up explicitly what each character’s primary character arc and conflict were. Fuuma’s extra brought attention to the fact that he’s particularly a crossdressing idol by exploring the motives behind it. His choice to be a crossdressing idol is constantly under fire both by himself and the world around him. He’s not immune to those who consider his crossdressing strange, and a part of his story is both finding people who accept his decision to crossdress and to succeed for himself as a crossdressing idol. It’s an essential part of how we understand and define him as a character and it’s a central part of how he interacts with the world around him. For Kippei, it lays the severity of his insecurity under the spotlight and his journey and motives for improving himself. Again, this isn’t something isolated and resolved in the extra; his extreme insecurity and negativity is constantly affecting how he interacts with practically everyone from his fellow Dolce members to his fans despite the fact in all honesty? He’s fucking insanely talented in his own right, his own brother mentioning how smart he is and how he has amazing reflexes. For Kippei, his negativity is an essential part of how we understand and define him and central to how he interacts with the world as much as Fuuma’s decision to crossdress is to him.

Which brings us back to Kazuki, of course. In his dedicated extra, in the chapter that’s supposed to explore and establish and bring attention to an essential part of his character, the aspect of himself under investigation is how he feels about Fuuma. It’s not just how he behaves around Fuuma, it’s explicitly an exploration of his feelings, on top of the fact it’s explicitly an exploration about whether or not he likes Fuuma r o m a n t i c a l l y. Literally the conflict is spurred on by someone outright asking “Do you like him?” and having to clarify “I mean romantically.” What they decided to focus on for Kazuki’s character and emphasize and establish is that Kazuki’s like towards Fuuma toes the line between friendship and romance. His ambiguous feelings towards Fuuma (if we leave them inconclusive as Suki did) are just like Fuuma’s crossdressing and Kippei’s insecurity in the sense the weight of whatever those feelings may be are seen in how he interacts with the world around him and influences his behaviors. It would be another story if they introduced the potential and shut it down all within the extra, because then his central conflict would to me be less directly open to romantic potential and more simply about how his arc was meant to explore the dynamic of the behavior of an extremely dedicated best friend. The fact that he may be romantically attracted to Fuuma or may be only platonically dedicated to Fuuma is instead something that looms over Kazuki in the same way Fuuma’s decision to crossdress constantly looms over him. It’s what Dolce wanted to point to and say this is Kazuki’s central character conflict and central arc: exploring what type of feelings he has towards Fuuma. 

Sure, it can be argued that there’s only three Dolce Diary character extras, there’s not enough to be sure about that being the purpose of the extras unless we get the other two’s extras. First, at this point I honestly don’t know if or when they’re going to release an extra revolving around Sara and Girisha just because not only has it been over a year and a half since the latest Dolce Diary Character Extra (Kazuki’s) was released despite the gap between the first and latest Dolce Diary Character Extra (Fuuma’s and Kazuki’s) were within a year of release but also because the Dolce 4komas and comics they’ve been posting to Twitter have decreased (last one being over half a year ago) potentially due to them deciding to focus on releasing Dolce manga content through the purchasable volumes instead. (This is not particularly related to the Kazufuuma argument, just wanted to put out there my two cents on what Sara and Girisha’s extra/focal arc would be. Based on a large part of the Dolce Diary in conjuncture with Can’t an Idol Fall in Love, I’d argue Sara’s would be his journey to regain his passion for performing, and if it’s not that I’d say it’d be coming out of his self-imposed isolation and opening up to people again. As for Girisha, I have less of a concrete idea but I’m assuming it’d be something pertaining to how people often misconceive him whether it be in tandem with his determination, his optimism and sociability, or his stupidity/ability to ignore those misconceptions and work past them. But Girisha is treated like the comedic relief 90% of the time so I’m not entirely sure, but his primary conflict is definitely rooted in misconceptions of him being his roadblock imo. #MoreGirishaContentPlz) That being said, I personally feel like the three are already enough evidence, especially considering it would be honestly even more cruel for Kazuki’s character-centric extra to be focusing on something that wasn’t essential to his character and character arc, anyway. And though it’s not explicitly stated that these chapters are extras exploring a central character, you can kind of tell based on how they are (to my knowledge) the only Dolce Diary updates with cover/title cards each which include their focal character front and center. So working off that fact, the Kazuki-centric chapter established that a pillar to his narrative was his feelings towards Fuuma and that those feelings are still open to romantic potential. 

But if you follow me, this is why up until Can’t an Idol Fall in Love With Another Idol’s release, I was terrified of them writing that off. I would have been ok if it was just an arc that was given attention then continued to actively work in the background, as all the character arcs have been over all of Dolce’s content. The fact that they might be giving Fuuma a love interest and giving Fuuma a love arc while Kazuki’s feelings were still up in the air and were still the primary highlighted narrative for him would have been fucking scuffed. To me, it would be like… why would they make him so Fuuma-centric to the point that even his dedicated chapter was not just focused on Fuuma but focused on the ambiguity and potential of him having romantic feelings for Fuuma, yet reduce him to being Fuuma's designated right-hand man. Don’t get me wrong, friendships are just as important as romantic relationships. But again, rather than conclude Kazuki’s answer in Suki to be that his feelings were of friendship, they left it open ended and allow audience members to be actively aware that Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma still had potential to be romantically coded. It would just be so weird to quickly close off that narrative by giving Fuuma a love interest as opposed to letting Kazuki conclude it himself. It would be fucking beyond frustrating for me, at least Eventually, I kept trying to drive my hopes that they would explore Kazuki’s narrative at all down to the ground because it was a Fuuma-centric novel; maybe if anything they’d explore those feelings in his own novel after the fact. But then they kept having little drops here and there of Kazuki being even the slightest bit relevant and I’d go back to questioning “Are??? They??? Is this on purpose??? Do they know what they’re doing or are they just doing this because Kazuki’s just so important to Fuuma as his best friend that he’s there as his right-hand I genuinely can’t tell???” And um. Welp.

Safe to say Can’t An Idol Fall in Love sold me on the fact that they know what they’re doing LOL. And to anyone who thinks that Kazuki’s feelings can still be read as ambiguous in CAIFILWAI as opposed to explicitly romantic - whether it be due to a fear they may pull the “I like him as a friend” card or due to the disbelief that they have an explicit mlm main character in the Honeyworks series - I’d like to cover any bases that may make you think this way. If you think it’s just Kazuki acting like a protective friend, why do you think he calls Yui a rival? If you’ve only seen the MV and think it’s ambiguous or can be taken as the "likfe" for friend, then does that mean you think Yui’s feelings toward Fuuma are also ambiguous or as a friend? With the way Yui responds, she is trying to rival Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma. She and Kazuki recognize whatever feeling it is that they hold towards Fuuma, both of their feelings are the same type. I don’t think most people would argue that Yui’s confession about Fuuma was one of pure respect and friendship. Plus, if anything I’d argue of the three characters in the MV, Fuuma is the one whose feelings are left the most ambiguous despite him being the central character. It’s heavily implied that he may be forming feelings for Yui, but nowhere is it established either in the song or in the MV, especially if you compare it to Kazuki and Yui’s declarations or if you compare it to Sara’s feelings for Uru in Can’t An Idol Fall in Love. Fuuma’s romantic narrative here is trying to figure out how he feels for Yui, while for Kazuki and Yui they’ve established a rivalry because they both have mutually established they like Fuuma romantically.

If the MV isn’t enough for you and Suki isn’t enough for you for...some reason…??? You can check out the snippets of the light novel which the wonderful takanenene translated: one which revisits the conflict set up in Suki and one that covers the confession scene in the MV in more detail. If the fact that the conflict set up in Suki (aka the lurking feeling of not knowing if all he felt for Fuuma was only platonic or more than platonic) was specifically reestablished in the LN for anyone who didn’t keep up with Dolce Diary didn’t tip you off that it was something important, his behavior in the confession scene as depicted by the LN definitely should have. He’s possessive about his spot by Fuuma’s side. He doesn’t want that spot to be taken by anyone else. Even if he knows that they can help Fuuma, he wants it to be him. And this line: “Kazuki then trails off his words, quietly saying ‘That’s why…’ and then gave Yui a slightly painful smile, his cheeks turning red,” before he declares Yui a rival and states he likes Fuuma. If you can tell me you read that line and are still on the fence about Kazuki’s “like” towards Fuuma being romantic, please message me and I will see how I can get through to you. Like it wasn’t even just a romantically coded confession. It’s just a romantic confession. That “like” is romantic. And I’m so proud that he’s not only come to understand for himself how he feels, but that he’s confident enough to ask the person he sees as a romantic rival to speak in private and not only clarify her feelings for Fuuma but before she can even do that firmly establishes that he loves Fuuma with conviction. Kazuki my boy I’m so proud of you. *sniffs*

And that’s it for establishing Kazufuuma as at least canonically one-sidedly canon and why there’s not only no reason to deny it but also why denying it is a fucking disrespectful move towards Kazuki. He’s a character, sure, but that doesn’t change the fact you shouldn’t write off his struggle to come to be convicted enough to say it out loud. This has been something weighing on him at least a year, if not more (all I know is it started when both he and Fuuma were in some year in middle school). And as a character in a piece of media, I’ve been saying this the entire time, but brushing it off as non-romantic is literally chucking a fucking pillar of his character’s story into the gutter. And to those who may be saying Kazuki’s confession came out of nowhere and is pandering reread this entire fucking essay again I dare you to do it and tell me to my face it’s pandering. Again. Writing off the buildup as pandering is disrespectful to him, disrespectful to his character and narrative, and disrespectful to the wonderful people who have been creating Dolce so diligently and have crafted this narrative for us. Saying his “supposed feelings” and “ambiguous confession” is pandering is like saying Fuuma’s crossdressing is pandering which. If you say either of those I will find you and I will shank you in the fucking gut. Even if you’re not fully into Dolce, recognize these characters are actually very well developed and executed amazingly, as per every Honeyworks character that has come to exist. I don’t blame you if you weren’t aware of the weight of Kazufuuma, but now that you read this I hope you are. That’s mainly what I needed to get out there, but as follows will be me more exploring how Kazufuuma has been built up and generally waving my hand off at where it may be going. If you want you can dip, thanks for reading up to here because I know I repeated a lot because it’s just. So important to drill into your head and has been something I’ve been hung up about constantly. LOL

As for where exactly they’re taking it from this point on, I honestly don’t know. In all honesty, I didn’t even expect them to take it the direction they did. But honestly, I think the direction they went with it is really interesting and better than I could have imagined, in my opinion at least. Honeyworks never ceases to amaze me with their storytelling and narrative choices, and I don’t think there’s any that stand out to me as being severely questionable that they haven’t reapproached at some point down the line. And, again, I think they’re treating this with a lot of care and deserved respect. So I’m just gonna be gushing about how smart they set it up and how smart they’ve been executing it and maybe my own hopes on the direction it could go.

Whether they make Kazufuuma reciprocated I have no real clue or bearings, but to me my gut reaction is they will. Of course, I’m biased, but again if you trace things all the way back to 2018 and step through Dolce’s content and growth from there, I’d say even if they didn’t know if they could execute it like this and see it to fruition, I’d argue that Kazufuuma has been at least heavily implied since the beginning as a relationship they wanted to explore from both sides of the relationship. Obviously I brought up Kazuki’s character bio already, but if you look at the *goes to count* 5th Dolce Diary update already has a joke jabbing at the fact that Kazuki is technically Fuuma’s type (and the way Kippei and Kazuki excitedly react is so cute). The fifth update. And as stated before there are tons of Kazufuuma moments in Dolce Diary, whether it’s played for comedic effect or played straight (and this is post Suki but oh my god I’ve said it before I’ll say it again get yourself someone who looks at you the way Kazuki looks at Fuuma oh my jesus). But song-wise, I mentioned the one Dolce album song I would bring up is Nade Nade and this is where it comes! 

Not only is Nade Nade specifically focused on Kazuki and Fuuma’s relationship as opposed to the whole of Dolce despite being the first song, it included the setup/preview of the Fuuma-centric extra prior to the full release of the Fuuma-centric extra itself and was released early as fuck. Literally between the 6th and 7th update to Dolce Diary. Sure, it could be to isolate them as a duo for marketing purposes (they’re very often the two promoted idols together if the whole of the group aren’t included), but the way it’s established as a perspective song as opposed to a general idol duet is what fascinates me. Anyone who didn’t know about Dolce prior and only followed Honeyworks for music would be first introduced to these characters through this song alone, and maybe this is where my Kazufuuma bias comes from but I was one of those people LOL. I thought it was just a cute one-off relationship that they had set up for the purpose of a song and that it was an implied friends-to-lovers story that would never get a conclusion. Also I mistakenly thought Fuuma was a girl oop-. In the full context of Dolce, this song in part helped establish Fuuma and Kazuki more solidly as a unique duo out of all of Dolce, but it also specifically explored through Fuuma’s eyes just how much Fuuma recognizes and appreciates the unwavering support Kazuki gives him to follow his dreams as he wishes. For Fuuma, he loves Kazuki too, though whether it holds any romantic potential in the same way Kazuki loves him has never been explored to nearly the same extent. But Fuuma appreciates how Kazuki’s remained by his side and does everything he can to support him, so Nade Nade explores how his way of expressing his love and thankfulness to Kazuki is by never saying that he needs Kazuki by his side. He’s glad Kazuki’s always been there for him, and his reciprocation takes on the form of being ready to unwaveringly support Kazuki and not ask for more than he already has, even if it meant Kazuki would be leaving his side, despite the fact that he really does wish they could remain together forever just as Kazuki does. The one point he lets himself say something vaguely close to always wanting to stay together, he gets a surprised expression out of Kazuki and says an ambiguous “suki dayo.” Of course, this it much less romantically coded than what we get from Kazuki in Suki and CAIFILWAI, but there is an interesting emphasis put on it nonetheless. Keep in mind, this is all established through the song, which released long before not only Fuuma’s character-centric extra released but also Kazuki’s character-centric extra released, so there is at least a substantial setup for Fuuma’s feelings towards Kazuki’s being strong as well and possibly grow to be reciprocated one day.

I think for me the most fascinating part about Nade Nade is how they tied it back around to Can’t An Idol Fall In Love with Another Idol. Again, without remembering Nade Nade, I still thought CAIFILWAI was brilliantly explored and executed, even if some people would have preferred no love triangle. But honestly, revisiting Nade Nade makes me trust even more the direction they’re taking with this. Whether or not they make Kazufuuma canon mutually (which. Even if they for some inexplicable reason didn’t I’m going down with this ship.), I’m sure they’re putting a lot of thought into the story, because the last bit of Nade Nade directly parallels the misunderstanding that arose from Fuuma mishearing the Kazuki and Yui. Fuuma is resolved to support Kazuki in any area he’s given the chance, and that explicitly includes if Kazuki had some girl he liked, which is what he assumes is going on. The fact that they tied this back around in the form of a misunderstanding was really really smart and Honeyworks is always so good at parallels and references back to their older songs, but for some reason I didn’t expect this. I don’t know how to say why, but the fact that the song that started it all, kicked off both Dolce and Kazufuuma, was directly referenced both visually in the MV with a cameo at the start and narratively despite the central dynamic being predominantly explored in this story in particular was that of Fuuma and another potential love interest and involves said potential love interest for some reason makes me think that (sorry Yui) this is all planned out for Kazufuuma in the grand scheme of things. That being said, I don’t know if me thinking it was planned all along is just me with shipper goggles, but the idea it’s come full circle nearly 3 years later is not shipper goggles and a very very well done parallel in my opinion, whether this trajectory was their plan for Kazufuuma from the beginning or not. Just wanted to gush about that some more. 

There’s more I could go into especially if I went into specific details about interactions or specific implications established in Honeyworks' Dolce content about different characters that would be fascinating to explore in relation to and under the lens of Kazufuuma, but I think this is uh...plenty long enough. Plus, I doubt you'll stop seeing Kazufuuma posts from me so those ideas will probably just be miniposts or somethin.

Back to the overarching point of this segment, idk what they’ll do with this story in the end, but do I think Kazufuuma will canon? I’m used to looking at ships that aren’t explicitly apparent with a sliver of skepticism, but all things considered (as I stated before) yeah. I don’t see reason why they wouldn’t now that they’ve explicitly identified there is a romantic dimension to it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Like to me, the setup isn’t something that would be written off as unrequited? And this doesn’t have to play into why I don’t think it will canon, my personal opinion on the Fuuyui relationship (again albeit through the lens of a hard Kazufuuma shipper lmao) has it’s own merits and is really cute, I find it cute in the way I found Koyuhina cute. I personally never really shipped Koyuhina, and especially since they slipped Kotarou into Ima Suki Ni Naru I was more curious about who this kid was and how he played into things I didn’t really see Koyuhina as something that would come to fruition. Similarly, there’s more importance in the overall sense on Kazuki than there is Yui (considering he’s one of the 5 original and focal members of this generation of idols, this would be natural), as well as the fact there’s just way more foundation and exploration in Fuuma and Kazuki’s relationship than there is Fuuma and Yui. As for how much of a balance there is inside the LN itself, the fact that they seem to have spent a substantial amount relaying the foundation of Fuuma and Kazuki’s relationship and re-exploring it (at least in Kazuki’s perspective) at all on top of how much content there is covering their relationship prior to the LN ever since Dolce’s origin just feels like that relationship holds more weight. Pretty much Kazufuuma feels more established as a priority in general. The way I personally hope Fuuyui plays out is whether they wind up holding mutual feelings or not or whether Fuuma doesn’t feel that way towards Yui is they get a relationship akin to Kotarou and Arisa. Albeit, Kotarou and Arisa never viewed each other in a romantic light, but they had mutual respect and solidarity. That’s the type of friendship I hope comes out of Fuyui. And considering there hasn’t been a break-up in any Honeyworks’ canon relationships (nor do I expect there to be… they’re all perfect for each other LMAO) it would actually be interesting if Fuuyui get together but don’t endgame and Kazufuuma is established as the inseparable endgame after some realization or another, though I don’t expect them to go that route nor do I know if that’d be the best way to go about it anyway. Also final point, Honeyworks seems to have a thing for childhood friends trope anyway soooooo owo All in all, don’t know where they’re taking it, just excited to see where it goes. 

TL;DR of this *counts* 7 page essay, stan Kazufuuma. Not gonna proof this. Maybe I’ll edit and repost but yall are getting a confusing clusterfuck of ramblings over 2-3 hr periods of me writing across 3 different days at around 5am each day. Uh. If you got this far like and subscribe and-- jk plz reply to this mammoth anywhere you see fit or tell me if you have stuffs to add or counter or whatnot I like hearing people talk about Kazufuuma ;w; I am Kazuki and Kazufuuma brainrot can you tell after reading this? No? Lemme just remind you I’m K--

[peggyrose19]

Skating, Kisses, and Hot Chocolate

Wow, this turned out much longer than I expected, oops. I got this idea from an ask Hazel got on tumblr about Leo headcanons and she said that he barely ever pond skates, but FinnLo wanted to change that. And so this was born. Did I write this instead of doing my stats homework? It’s possible. But that’s not due ‘til Tuesday so it’s fine. I even proofread this, be proud. This is on my a03 as well, the username is the same as here. Characters belong to the wonderful @lumosinlove

Summary: It’s the Lion’s winter break and the cubs have decided to take a trip to New Hampshire to get away from it all for a bit. While there, Logan and Finn, but mostly Logan, drag Leo pond skating, which he hates. Mild shenanigans ensue. There’s snow, there’s ice, there’s hot chocolate and love. Hope you guys like it!

The boys had convinced Leo to go pond skating with them. He still wasn’t entirely sure how, because he hated it, but there he was, sitting beside them on the gazebo bench, carefully lacing his skates up. They were somewhere in New Hampshire for Christmas, staying in a cute cottage that really wasn’t small enough to be considered a cottage, but was certainly cute. And Logan, in his earnest search of touristy things to do, had found a small farm that offered ice skating and carriage rides.

Logan had immediately jumped on the idea, Finn requiring little convincing as well, and soon Leo had found both boys staring up at him with puppy dog eyes, pressing teasing kisses to his neck and cheeks. He’d been helpless to say no.

And so, here he was, zipping his jacket and pulling his gloves on and following Logan onto the ice. 

His first impression was that he was cold. He was used to the rink, which, while not exactly toasty warm, was at least above freezing. But outdoors it was well below freezing, and it was windy too.

His second impression was that the ice was not smooth. He had kicked off from the stairs, expecting to glide smoothly across the ice to the far bank, but he made it only a few yards before he came to a halting stop. Logan was ahead of him, skating backwards and grinning wildly.

Leo twisted, spotting Finn on his right, red hair escaping from his hat and curling around his temples. He was grinning as well, smirking at Leo’s sad attempts.

“Don’t laugh at me,” he complained and Logan cackled.

“Aw, Peanut, it’s okay,” Logan crooned. “You’ll get used to it.”

“It’s so rough,” he whined. “I’m not even going anywhere.”

Logan just held out a hand. “C’mon.” Reluctantly, Leo grabbed it and was immediately pulled forward. His foot slipped and he suddenly found himself in Logan’s arms, inches from the ground.

Finn cracked up.

“Are you guys okay?” he got out, gasping for breath, skating towards them.

“We’re fine,” Leo said, righting himself and Logan, but not letting go of his hand. “Thanks for catching me Tremz.”

Logan sent him a flirty smile and pressed a quick kiss to his mouth before pulling away and holding his other hand out to Finn. Together, the three of them made their way across the ice, Leo tripping along the way and each time being caught by his boyfriends.

As they skated, Leo slowly got the hand of it, getting more used to the bumps and cracks that littered the natural ice. They built up a rhythm, all of them kicking off with the same foot at the same time. They did a full lap around the pond, under both bridges and down the small finger that extended out and over to the edge where the water spilled into a small waterfall. 

“How did you even find this place, Tremz?” Leo asked as they began another lap, still hand-in-hand.

Logan shrugged. “It was in some brochure that I found. It looked cute. Plus, it’s festive.” He pointed up at the wreaths that adorned the bridge they were about to skate under. “There’s even music playing.”

At that, they all fell silent, listening for the faint instrumentals that were indeed playing from the speakers mounted on the bridges.

“It’s nice here.” Finn finally broke the silence. “I’m glad you found it.”

Logan added, “Yeah, it’s fun.”

Both looked at Leo when he said nothing. He frowned and grumbled something in French under his breath, and they broke out in laughter. He fought it, but a smile poked at the edges of Leo’s mouth. Even if he wouldn’t admit it, he was having a little bit of fun. 

They continued skating, going around the pond again, listening to the music and the wind whistling through the trees. The three of them were the only ones there at the moment, alone on the ice. 

“Let’s race,” Logan said suddenly, breaking away from Leo. 

“What?”

“I wanna race!” He grinned, and it lit up his face. Leo shook his head in disbelief. 

“Race where, exactly?” 

Logan surveyed the pond before pointing to the other end, which ended in a rather large snowbank a few dozen yards away. “There.” 

“I’m in,” Finn said eagerly.

“Of course you are,” Leo grumbled. He sighed. “Fine.” 

Logan cheered.

“Okay. Ready?” They all got in position. “And…..go!” 

They all took off, racing across the pond, skates digging into the ice. Even Leo, despite his misgivings, was keeping up. 

“Argh, no!” Finn shouted as he fell behind by maybe a foot. They were almost to the finish. Leo glanced back at him with a smirk and immediately lost his balance. 

Leo yelped as he lurched forward and tumbled to the ground, straight into the snowbank. 

Slowly, Leo extracted himself and brushed the snow off his face and jacket with as much dignity as he could muster.  He turned to see his boys both fighting a laugh as they stared at him in disbelief. 

“Nut…did you really just fall into a snowbank?” 

“Fuck off, Harzy.” 

“You’re a professional hockey player…and you fell into a snowbank.” Logan’s voice was shaking. 

“You tripped…into a snowbank,” Finn echoed. 

Leo glared at them.

“You have snow in your hair, babe,” Finn said and he reached out to brush it away. 

In a split second, Leo grabbed Finn’s outstretched had and launched him into the snowbank. He spun around and grabbed Logan as well, pulling him closer until they both fell too, landing on top of Finn with a grunt. 

There was a stunned silence before Logan and Finn both burst out in laugher. 

“Did…did you just…throw us into the snow?” Logan barely managed to get the words out in between laughs. “Leo.” 

“You deserved it,” Leo said primly, but he was smiling. 

“Oh, my god, I can’t believe you just did that,” Finn gasped, wiping snow from his face. “I can’t- that was so childish. You’re never childish.”

“Hmph.”  

“Aw, baby,” Finn crooned, and pulled Leo in for a kiss and his frown softened. Logan pressed against him, brushing his lips against Leo’s cheek. 

“Hey, it’s snowing!” Logan said suddenly, looking up. Leo and Finn pulled away from each other. Leo held a hand out, waiting for a snowflake to land on it. They stayed that way, watching, for probably a bit too long considering they’d all seen snow before. 

In fact, they stayed there long enough that Leo began shivering. The cold of the snow was seeping through his clothes and he was beginning to get damp too. The wind whipped at his cheeks and nose and seemingly right through his windbreaker. 

“I’m cold,” he whined and both looked at him. 

Logan stared disbelievingly. “You’re cold? Knutty, we play hockey. A winter sport. That takes place on ice. In a large ice cooler. How are you cold?”

“It’s cold out.” He was becoming petulant but he couldn’t quite muster the energy to care. “I’m from NOLA, there’s no such thing as snow there. And it is significantly warmer at the rink.” 

Finn smiled a bit at that, and pushed himself to his feet, reaching out help Leo up as well. “C’mon babe. Let’s get you inside and warmed up.” 

Later, when they got back to the house they were renting, they all showered and changed, slipping into sweats and each other’s sweaters. Finn and Logan wandered into the living room, settling on the couch with far too many blankets and gazing out the window to their right, at the quickly setting sun. Leo headed outside to the nearby shed, which housed a fair amount of precut firewood. 

Leo brought the wood inside and settled before the fireplace in front of the couch, pulling small pieces from the logs and setting them aside. 

Finn and Logan watched, entranced, as Leo carefully placed the pieces of wood inside it overtop crumpled pages of old newspapers. He lit a match and held it to the paper, throwing it in after the fire caught and slowly spread to the wood. Carefully, he blew on the small flame for a moment before standing up, satisfied, and turning towards the couch.

“What?” he asked when he caught sight of their faces.

“Where did you learn how to do that?” Finn asked finally, mouth open.

“At home? My dad taught me.” When Finn continued to stare at him, Leo shrugged uncomfortably. “It’s not that special. I could probably show you how.”

“I- it just… you-”

“You okay Fish?” Logan asked.

He cleared his throat. “Yup,” he said, although his voice was an octave higher than usual.

“Kay,” Leo laughed, and sat on his other side, throwing another blanket over them and curling into Logan’s side. 

“I want hot chocolate,” Finn announced suddenly.

“You’re a big boy Harz, you can make it yourself,” Logan said, clearly not willing to move.

“You know how to make hot chocolate, it’ll be okay,” Leo added, cheeks flushing slightly as he remembered the last time Finn had made hot chocolate.

“Ugh, fine,” Finn sighed, long and drawn-out, before extracting himself from his spot and heading towards the kitchen. Logan watched him fondly.

“Make some for us too, will you?” Leo called after him with a smirk. He got a grumbled answer in response. 

Once Finn was out of sight, Logan turned to Leo, snuggling closer to him and pulling the blankets tighter around them. Leo wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to escape. He pressed a kiss to Logan’s curls, wrapping an arm around him.

“Thanks for taking us skating, Tremz,” he murmured. Logan twisted to look at him.

“I thought you didn’t like it?”

“Well, it might have been a mildly embarrassing situation for me, but I had fun all the same. Any time I get to spend with you two is fun.”

“Aw, look at you, getting all soft.”

“Shut up,” Leo said, and pressed a kiss to Logan’s mouth, effectively doing just that.

Logan was pliant beneath his hands, warm and cuddly, wrapped around him. They fit snugly together, mouths slotting together perfectly, as the fire crackled in the background. Leo felt warm all over. Logan kissed him again and again, soft and sweet, and pulled him impossibly closer.

They only parted when a small gasp sounded from the doorway. Logan looked up and smiled hazily, barely turning away from Leo. In the doorway stood Finn, mouth open, three mugs clutched precariously in his hands. With a laugh, Logan held out an arm, disentangling it from Leo.

“You have the same look on your face any time you walk in on us, Harz,” Leo commented with a laugh.

“Hmm,” was all Finn said as he carefully set the mugs down on the side table.

Finn then crawled practically on top of them, reaching for Leo even as he kissed Logan. Leo grinned, an image of Finn’s face, cheeks flushed from the cold, with kissed-red lips and a sheepish smile, surfacing in his mind.

Leo leaned in and pressed his lips to Logan’s neck, earning him a low groan. Finn’s hand grappled for his arm, pulling him closer.

“Whoa, whoa, careful,” Leo gasped as Finn’s tug nearly sent him off the couch.

“Oops, sorry Nut,” Finn said, looking at him guiltily.

“’s alright,” he replied easily, leaning forward to kiss him gently. He broke away quickly, before Finn could pull him in again, and said, “Let’s have this hot chocolate Finn so nicely prepared for this before it gets cold.” Finn smiled at that, and reached out for the mugs, handing one to Leo. 

Logan shrugged and agreed, taking a mug as well. And the three of them sat there, sipping their chocolate and laughing late into the night. 

Their drinks were long finished and forgotten, set aside on the table again. They were tangled up in the blankets, faces illuminated by the dwindling fire and moonlight shining through the window. Logan and Finn had just fallen asleep, curled up against each other like kittens. Logan was drooling onto Leo’s shoulder. He didn’t mind. 

As he too drifted off, Leo’s last thought was that he wouldn’t change this for anything. 

[itsclydebitches]

RWBY Recaps: Volume 8 “Divide”

Hello, everyone, and welcome back! It feels good to be doing some normal RWBY-ing in this strange world of ours. First, some supplementary materials.

Number One: In response to any (valid) questions along the lines of, “Hey Clyde, it’s now been a full year since Volume 7 was airing and you still haven’t answered my ask about it. Or the ones about Volume 6… what’s up with that?” I’ve created what I hope is an informative video detailing the problem:

(I assure you, the Earth, Wind & Fire was a happy accident during the screen recording.)

Needless to say, there’s a lot and I’ve known for some time now that I will LITERALLY never get through all my asks. Which doesn’t mean I don’t want you to send future thoughts in! Just know that as we head into Volume 8 territory I’ll most likely prioritize those, as well as any Volume 7 asks that aren’t woefully out of date. But I do want everyone to know that I read all the asks I receive, appreciate them immensely, and think too much about hypothetical answers, even if I don’t have time to actually write them out 💜

Number Two: There’s a bingo board this year!

Jury’s out on whether I’ll remember to update it, but at the very least this serves as a decent glimpse into my — and others’ — expectations going into this volume.

Number Three: I’ve collected a list of things I’ve heard about Volume 8 from what seem to be reputable sources. I did this because RT is developing a tendency to talk up certain points and then fail to deliver, either because something was taken out of a volume/moved to another, or because RT apparently has radically different ideas about what including something means. So this might be handy to keep on file and ask ourselves two months from now, “Did RT actually deliver on what they promised?”

Emphasis on Ruby’s leadership and how Summer’s death has impacted her

Insight into Ren and Nora’s flaws

May Merigold will supposedly have a larger part

More information about The Long Memory (Ozpin’s cane)

Theme of the volume is that you can respect someone but that doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with them

Very short timeline (supposedly just two days)

Yang in particular is very suspicious and distrustful

I was also going to include a list of all the threads that need to be continued/wrapped up, but honestly that would have taken too large a chunk off my life. Let’s just throw out the highlights:

Are we really going to have Qrow gunning for Ironwood?

Clover is dead regardless. Press ‘F’ to pay respects

Oscar bb you got shot please acknowledge this

Ozpin bb you got done dirty please acknowledge this

Penny is a Maiden now. I feel like the fandom has been sleeping on this (myself included)

Queer baiting, queer baiting… you’re on thin ice at this point, RWBY. Just skate on over to the queer snack bar before you fall straight into the lake.  

Ren spill your deep dark secret already and it had better be something more than just ‘Oh no Nora might someday die :( ’

Salem is here so how the actual fuck is the cast surviving this?

Will Ironwood likewise survive his descent into antagonism? Yes or please yes no?

I think that’s all the biggies. I strive to keep lists like this in mind while analyzing, but honestly RWBY has a hundred moving parts that are abandoned or changed or simply retconned at the drop of a hat. So an attempt will be made.

Number Four (last one I promise!): Normal disclaimers and reminders for Recaps apply:

Please don’t fill up the already full inbox with flames. It’s still 2020. No one has time for that nonsense.

There will absolutely be typos and wonky parts because I try to get these out the same day an episode premieres. I have now been working on this for ten hours, nearly straight, and have no more energy for edits. Apologies in advance and RIP to my Saturdays.

I reserve the right to use stupid GIFs and memes at my discretion.

I strive to keep my focus on recapping/analyzing but salt tends to worm its way in… If you’re a die-hard RWBY fan with little patience for criticism, let alone (at times) snarky criticism, please proceed with caution.

No wait I lied, this is the last thing:

Okay, got that out of my system LET’S DO THIS!

We start not with the episode itself but rather Rooster Teeth’s (RT’s) strange non-promotion of it. If you follow my blog you may have caught the post where I pointed out that there was nothing on RT’s website to suggest that one of their most popular shows—if not the most popular show—was premiering today. Nothing on the main page. Nothing on the RWBY page either, not unless you count the Volume 8 poster background (easily mistaken for the Volume 7 poster) and the trailer buried all the way down past Episodes, past Merch, in the Bonus Features section along with videos like Live From Remnant and the volume intros. RT… the promotion of your feature show is not a bonus. This should be front and center! Honest to god, five minutes before the episode dropped I was checking the website for a Volume 8 section, a countdown, anything that would tell me the episode was imminent without relying on fans on tumblr to keep me in the loop. We got nada, zilch. I’m not sure whether that speaks more to RT’s iffy management of the series or simply the website’s horrible design—RIP losing RWBY on Youtube—but I was surprised when I saw the episode a few minutes after 11:00am. At that point I honestly expected to hear about a dely.

So that’s the mood I entered the premiere in, but truly? We start off strong. Things take a pretty severe nosedive later on, we’ll get to that, but I was impressed with our beginning and that probably has a lot to do with the fact that we start with our villains.

We open on a Cinderella character, Cinder, and thus I’m immediately pleased that we’re getting something about her backstory after all this time. Seven years! She appeared in episode one, folks! To say we’re overdue is an understatement. There isn’t a whole lot to go on, just a younger Cinder sadly scrubbing the floor, poised under a spotlight. What we learn, or potentially learn, is based far more in cultural knowledge than this scene. We know Cinderella’s story, which includes the abusive family, the longing for more, the eventual escape, and thus we’re able to read all of that in this image, despite the image itself not telling us any of this overtly. That means we could be wrong in our interpretation, but if we’re not it’s an easy shorthand in an already packed story.

What I’m really impressed with is the sound bridge between the scrubbing and her nails on the back of Neo’s chair. Fantastic way to confirm that this is Cinder as well as showcasing just how far she’s come. The sound of her labor has been replaced with the sound of her power and given that Cinder’s power is stolen, tied to a grimm arm, the property of a genocidal maniac… that’s messed up. It’s a Cinderella story gone wrong.

So yeah, Cinder tells Neo to head straight into the creepy, grimm infested blood cloud to see Salem and Neo is like, ‘Uh… no thank you?’ lol.

RT does a good job this episode with her expressions, ensuring we know exactly what she’s thinking despite an unwillingness/inability to speak.

Poor Neo might be in too deep, but I quite like the overall atmosphere of this opening. Say what we will about Salem’s awful characterization, at least she has style. This woman knows how to make an entrance and, piggybacking off of the Apathy, RT knows how to infuse horror elements into their fantasy. The red and purple coloring of the clouds, spiked whale teeth peeking through, bright orange in the background looking like explosions… that’s all 👌 Including the intro card.

The only thing I want to gripe about is this:

I’m sorry, why does the whale grimm have landing pads? Or something like it?? The whale otherwise works because it’s poised between the natural and the fantasy synthetic. It looks like a real grimm whale on the outside, but is sporting a throne room, a control panel, and other unnatural elements on the inside. It’s a visual indicator of Salem’s ability to control and change grimm. Now though, the additions are wrong, infringing on the line between organic and tech, the line between what helps the grimm individually (giving monkeys wings) and what just helps Salem. Every other aspect of the whale straddles that line wonderfully, adding to the creep factor, like a grimm version of the Uncanny Valley: it’s not quite a whale anymore… but landing pads? That looks ridiculous. Why does Salem even have that? How many ships are her people feasibly using? Why are there five?

Take it away, please.

Cinder waltzes in like this is a normal home visit, but Neo has an appropriate ‘What the actual fuck?’ face going on.

They approach Salem on her throne where Cinder immediately kneels, greeting her with, “My queen.” I mentioned during my trailer breakdown that I think Cinder is lying her ass off here, and I still think that based on a line we’ll get in a minute, but now at least we have a sense of how she can pull this off. A woman who started out as a (presumed) servant is going to know how to mimic subservience, even if her heart isn’t in it. Salem is very good at playing the girl who will still kneel and scrub the floor for you. She will scrub the floor, she’ll do everything you want, she’ll just be plotting her own rise to power while she does it.

There’s quite a bit of interesting cinematography in this episode, not all of it good, and I think one of the mistakes is here when we get a closeup on Salem’s mouth as she greets Cinder. A closeup like that should be reserved for more significant dialogue—“Rosebud”—and yet we get this shot again when Cinder tells Emerald to be quiet. It’s awkward and coupled with the numerous eye closeups we got in the trailer, I think RT is playing a little fast and loose with the camera. Each shot should add something to the scene, not distract from it. If you don’t have a reason for including a technique like that then leave it be.

Back to the actual dialogue though. We knew that Salem knew Cinder was alive and now it seems that she just expected her to come back? I’m slightly lost. It feels like we’re missing something here. Cinder goes off to secure the lamp, fails, nearly dies, wanders on her own for months, and then randomly shows back up on Salem’s whale doorstep, yet Salem isn’t angry at all? Did she have faith that Cinder would return when she has something to offer? Did she just not care about Cinder, considering her return an unnecessary but otherwise welcome surprise? That would make the least sense given that she holds the key to accessing Beacon’s relic… but that circles right back around to why Salem is seemingly indifferent to Cinder’s comings and goings. Surely she can’t actually believe that Cinder is loyal?

“So I trust you wouldn’t return to me empty handed,” she says. Yeah, trust means nothing in this show, Salem, didn’t you watch Volumes 6 and 7? Again, I simply don’t know. I suppose I’ll just chalk it up to confidence, that if Cinder did bail Salem knew she could track her down again. Deciphering her motivations and beliefs is a lost cause when the show continually gives us so little.

The important thing now is that Cinder does indeed have an offering and you can see that Salem is somewhat surprised at being handed the relic.

Cinder, of course, takes credit for the victory and we’re given another wonderful shot of Neo. ‘YOU took it?’

Oh, Neo. Best get out while you still can.

Tyrian appears having obviously made his way to Salem’s ship sometime between her arrival and now. The exchange is pretty standard for this group. He insults Cinder for failing and needing this victory to make amends, talks about how any win against Ironwood says more about his lack of intelligence than her skill, and Cinder… doesn’t have a whole lot of comebacks, actually. I’d say Tyrian won that verbal spar, enhanced by a better use of the camera when we get his tail looming menacingly towards Cinder and Neo.

He goes on to say that Watts was a “necessary sacrifice” so, uh… I’m just going to toss out the ask I answered yesterday. Based on our intro I’d say Watts is still significant to the volume—hacking Penny is my guess—but by the end? He could be in trouble.

(As a side note: I plan to analyze the intro next week. It’s just easier when it comes first.)

Tyrian also calls Neo “little one” which I just found absolutely hilarious. In an on brand creepy manner, that is. Not that Neo couldn’t kick his ass, but there’s something wonderfully chilling about having the serial killer use an endearment towards a potential victim, one that comments on her size while he’s looming.

In contrast, Cinder refers to Neo as a “valuable asset” and we get our third mood of the episode.

Who’s going to start a Neo reaction image collection?

It’s true enough on the surface—who wouldn’t want an ally who can turn into anyone else?—but we’re still bumping up against question of why Salem needs this. She’s immortal! She has an endless army! Magic! This scene works well with a villain who needs a skillset like Neo’s to succeed, but Salem doesn’t. RT is doing a great job writing a story thus far, just not the story we’ve previously been given. This isn’t the story they set up.

This will come back up when we reach the RWBYJNOR group. Just wait.

Before that though, the gang’s all here as Emerald, Mercury, and Hazel show up, all in new outfits.

I think I like everything except for the weird Xs on Emerald’s jacket—it’s way too distracting and frankly makes an otherwise good look ugly—and the fact that she’s showing her midriff in Atlas. Hazel doesn’t have any sleeves! Oh my god, why doesn’t anyone dress for the weather in this show?

Frankly, I found their reunion to be kind of lackluster. I mean, there was nothing wrong with it. Emerald does sound briefly excited, she does run, and it’s in character for Cinder to cut her off… it just didn’t resonate with me emotionally. I thought after two volumes of thinking she’s dead, then working through the knowledge that she’s alive, that I would feel Emerald’s shock and relief more, but I didn’t. And I’m not entirely sure why. I don’t want to level any accusations at the voice acting because frankly I know next to nothing about that skill (and from what I’ve seen it’s usually praised in the fandom), but I will say that throughout the premiere I was noticing it more than I ever have before. The lack of emotion here and some awkward deliveries later, like when Yang goes, “Ruby, there is no way Ironwood will cooperate with us” and I immediately thought, “Wow, that came out stilted.” These observations stick with me because, as said, voice acting usually isn’t on my radar. It’s not something I’ve studied or had practice analyzing. If you’d never told me that Ren or Qrow’s VA changed then after a year hiatus I literally wouldn’t notice… but there’s something about this episode that didn’t sit right. Anyone else get that sense, or was it just me?

Regardless, the arrival of our other three villains really doesn’t amount to much, though I’m happy for all the Emerald and Mercury fans who get to see them in new outfits. The focus is still on Cinder as she delivers a line indicative of her true motivations: “That power will be mine.” Yeah, she’s not loyal to Salem, she’s just power hungry. Of course, Salem immediately takes note of this and raises her hand, in another nice use of the foreground, reminding her that she hasn’t given that order.

Cinder is shocked, angry even, but quickly covers it up with her “Without you I am nothing” line. If I caught it right I think she also calls Salem “Ma’am”? Hilarious. Again, skilled at playing the servant.

Also, before I forget, it’s worth noting that almost everything from our trailer appeared in this episode. Yeah, there are a few details like Nora attacking some tech and the group on their bikes, but on the whole we’ve already seen the majority of our promo material and will likely get most of the rest next week. It makes me both interested and nervous for what another twelve episodes are going to hold.

Salem opens her whale, or opens a portal type view in it, something that gives us a long-distance look at Atlas. I don’t know what exactly is going on here, but it’s pretty so I’ll take it.

She also delivers the frankly badass line, “Just because you’re more valuable to me than a pawn does not make you a player.”

She waves them all away with perfect ‘You mean nothing to me’ attitude and we sadly leave our villains.

Sad not because I don’t love my farm boy, but because things are about to get a whole lot messier.

Oscar has made his way to a camp of civilian survivors… all of whom are just hanging out in the supposedly deadly cold. Yeah, there’s a single fire, but at least four of them aren’t anywhere near it. Three of them also aren’t wearing gloves. What was that survival rate again?

A nice if gruff dude gives Oscar soup—water?—while showing off his… badger claws? I don’t know what kind of faunus he’s supposed to be, but he feels like the sort of two second, minor character who could easily become a meme lol.

Oscar thanks him (my polite son!) and hands the bowl back after a single sip. Which is impressive because I would have assumed the guy was giving me the whole bowl and just taken it. Hell, I’ve done that even when I didn’t assume it’s all for me. A Starbucks barista once approached me with a tray and a plate of samples, I knew I was supposed to take just one, yet for some reason my hand went to take the whole goddamn plate. He had to tell me off, then I was trying to explain that I didn’t actually want or think I should have eight shots of cappuccino all to myself, I don’t even like coffee, he clearly didn’t believe me… it was awkward. So good job, Oscar. You’re less awkward than me (though that’s not saying much).

Now a question, Oscar. Darling. Brilliant boy who has been through too much: why the fuck aren’t you talking to Ozpin? This will be A Thing later when he presents a lack of time to talk as justification for keeping more secrets (we’ll get to that too…) yet here is time! You’re just sitting there for who knows how long, with plenty of privacy to hide a supposedly one-sided conversation so the Mantle citizens don’t get weirded out or suspicious. Talk to Ozpin. Our headmaster gets two lines in this episode, utterly inconsequential lines like his airship scene, lines that feel like they exist to say, “See? He’s still included in the story!” even though he absolutely is not. Two volumes of mostly silence, a perfect setup to start the reconciliation process, but we’re going to put it off again?

Instead Ruby randomly and conveniently appears. I want to know how she found him. Oscar isn’t wearing a tracker. He clearly didn’t call them because he’s surprised when Ruby shows up. He fell alllllllll the way back down to Mantle and then wandered to a random part of the slums. You’re telling me they flew over the entire city—after beginning this search thinking he was in Atlas—and somehow managed to spot him from up in the air? C’mon. I would have rather had a beginning where Oscar makes his way back to the group himself, giving him and Ozpin time to hash things out.

“Need a lift?” Ruby says, eliminating that potential. Sigh.

Oscar immediately starts beating himself up when he gets onboard, saying that he “was stupid to think the General would listen.” Nah, you were stupid to buy into Ruby’s nonsensical confidence and for telling Ironwood he’s as bad as Salem. Sorry, Oscar, but everyone is written badly these days. I will, however, say that I am THRILLED at the group’s reaction to his return. Ruby says that she’s “just glad you’re alright.” Nora has a wonderfully tender moment where she hugs him gently rather than her usual glomp.

That? That added a year to my life. Everyone else seems relieved that he’s okay too, so kudos there. After four years of Oscar being an outsider in the group, this is one of the few moments that feel like he’s 100% accepted. Really glad to see it.

Now let’s see if it sticks after they learn Ozpin is back...

They fly to the Happy Huntresses’ base and I again feel like I’ve missed something crucial. When did they team up? I mean, RWBYJNOR was working directly under Ironwood up until the last hour and Robyn ran off to fight Tyrian/Clover in the last couple episodes. When did she have time to explain her (briefly) changed allegiance and why would the Happy Huntresses trust the group without that? Did Robyn share that Blake and Yang went behind Ironwood’s back for her? Do the Huntresses instinctively trust them because they’re now wanted by the military? How did they even run into each other?

Again, I think we would have been better served to have an episode before all this. Let Oscar make his way back and let the group struggle with the magnitude of their situation on the airship, before they find new allies. Transferring directly to, “They have help and a secret base and a plan in the works!” makes me feel like I missed the real premiere last week. You know, the one where Salem unexpectedly arrived and we left the group like this.

This is where we’ve ended up though. The group is cozy in this hideout, getting info from Joanna, and my only other thought is, “Why is she giving all this exposition?”  

Shouldn’t it be May? I mean, we were told that she was going to play more of a role this volume, a promise that’s pretty important imo given her status as a (so far off screen) trans character, so why not put her in the role of mediator between the Happy Huntresses and RWBYJNR? Giving her that setup as a leader among her people as well as lots of lines would be meaningful. A trans character just existing and being a part of this fight! May could obviously still fill that role—I’m well aware that we’re only one episode in—but it just seems like a missed opportunity to me. Out of all the undeveloped Happy Huntresses, our premiere focuses on the one who has the least importance to the fandom.

As said, Joanna talks a fair bit but what it basically boils down to is trying to get everyone to the crater below Atlas. It’s apparently not safe, but it’s warm, which is what matters right now.

So… let me get this straight. You want to gather everyone into a not safe crater, by leading them through an army of grimm, so that they can wait there in case someone moves the Staff, thus dropping an entire city on top of their heads? That’s the plan? Which admittedly isn’t Joanna’s fault. This is another instance of RWBYJNOR having information that a leader does not and they should really consider speaking up about it. But of course they don’t.

Also, how long does everyone have in regards to the cold? Shouldn’t there be dead civilians by now? The time it would take to find the Happy Huntresses, team up with them, get settled in the base, and find Oscar says that things should be pretty grim right now (pardon the pun), yet every non-aura user in this city seems content to just hang out in the snow. Either the cold is deadly enough to justify moving everyone to the crater, or it’s mild enough to let everyone survive this long, not both.

After hugs are given everyone obviously wants to know what happened to Oscar. His response?

“It’s a… long story. I get the feeling there’s been a few of those tonight.”

That’s a check for the bingo card! We’re halfway through the first episode and we’ve already got another secret. Yes, this is a secret. Oscar actively chooses not to tell anyone that Ozpin is back—something Ozpin himself comments on—and then skillfully draws attention away from himself with “I get the feeling there’s been a few of those tonight.” Indeed, all eyes go to Penny. Oscar’s plight is forgotten, which is what he wanted. His justification?

Ozpin: “You’re not going to tell them?”

Oscar: “You and I aren’t done talking yet.”

Along with this look.

Oscar no. There’s so much wrong with this I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s create a list.

As said, you had plenty of time to talk to Ozpin and chose not to. Miss me with this excuse.

You are now doing to your friends exactly what you and your friends did to Ironwood, which in turn is what Ozpin did to you! I can’t believe we’ve got Oscar critically side-eyeing him when they are still—still—repeating the behavior they drove Ozpin away for.

What is there to even talk about now? Oscar didn’t punch himself/Ozpin (lol) but he did steal Jinn’s name from Ozpin in the first place. You got what you wanted, drove him away, and have been lying and keeping secrets ever since. The only thing they should be talking about involves apologizing. Any further criticism—which is what Oscar’s expression and curt reply suggests—is beyond hypocritical.

Seriously, what needs to be discussed? There’s no reason not to tell the group unless Oscar wants to talk about whether they should tell them. There’s no good ending here...

Don’t you think it would be nice to know that Ozpin is back and you’ve got super magic powers while making plans to save the entire world?

This is all especially stupid given Oscar’s “Salem wants to divide us” reminder to Ruby in a moment. Oscar, you are doing the most to divide the group right now. By not forgiving Ozpin. By refusing to work with him. By keeping him secret from everyone else.

This is bad, friends, I worry for what the rest of the volume will bring…

The story is done with Ozpin for now so I guess I will be too. The group continues filling Oscar in and we get some shots of the base, including a rather prominent poster of what I assume are two Happy Huntresses. Did they die in battle perhaps?

It’s a little strange.

Oscar: “Where’s Qrow?”

Me: “Likely still making bad decisions.”

No one knows so they just drop it. Which I kind of get, only so much you can do to find him if he’s not out on the streets like Oscar, but it still reads as kind of iffy that two nieces look down at the ground for a hot second and then move on with their plans, content to leave Qrow to whatever fate befell him. In a minute we’ll see Yang firmly take Ren’s side regarding helping the people they can in Mantle, which frankly comes out of nowhere for her. I think an easy motivation would have been Qrow. Ruby wants to save the world, Yang wants to find and save their uncle, and that just happens to align with Ren’s desire to save the civilians who need immediate grimm and cold help. Don’t get me wrong, I like that there’s finally some division between the sisters, I just wish it hadn’t come about so abruptly. Ren had setup for standing up to Ruby. Yang did not.

But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Joanna lists the grimm horde and no heat as the major threats to everyone. The group agrees.

Me: What about Salem?

Joanna says that this is all doubly dangerous because there’s “no more military protection.”

Me: Oh, so now you want the military?

This is all so disjointed. Even more-so when Joanna mentions that Ironwood has stopped all evacuations to Atlas, likely due to the “hard light shields” that are the only thing standing between Salem and the city. Thing is, the show never makes this connection, I just did it myself based on this scene and the one that comes later. The show presents Joanna’s line as a pure condemnation. Ironwood won’t let more evacuees in because… he’s just evil, I guess. Yet there is a justification here, namely that continuing the evacuations even while he’s stuck without Penny leaves him wide open to a Salem attack, the death of everyone currently safe, but that argument is never presented to the viewer. I don’t need people to agree with Ironwood’s perspective, I just wish that perspective was offered as an option. The show is very good about acting like RWBYJNOR’s opinion is the only justified opinion, or simply the only opinion at all.

After everything is laid out Weiss goes, “We’re never going to sleep again, I just know it.”

I could make a crack about the lack of continuity and how the group should be collapsing right now… but that was a funny line. It can stay.

What is far more of a problem is the fact that no one is talking about Salem. Okay, that’s a lie. They do talk about her, but in a roundabout way like her presence isn’t impacting every decision they make. That’s the real issue. They’re acting as if Salem isn’t here right now, like she’s off far away, maybe approaching slowly, and they’re arguing over how best to prep the world for her eventual attack. There’s no emotion here—let alone action—to reflect that the series’ Big Bad has arrived and is poised to murder them all. Literally what is this? Ruby is yelling about warning the world and, ignoring the continued question of why that’s a good thing when the world can do nothing to stop Salem and knowledge of her continually drives people to horrible acts, she has yet to acknowledge that… she’s the world? Ruby is the world in this conflict. She, Mantle, and Atlas. Salem is here for you all. Right now. You are, this instant, in the situation you want to warn others about, so why don’t you try to do something about it? Or at least acknowledge it. Ruby wants to warn the neighborhood about a potential fire while her house is actively ablaze, and the fire could have totally killed her by now but decided not to for… reasons.

“Ruby’s right,” Nora says. They have to tell the world so “they can prepare.” How? How are they supposed to prepare for this? The story cannot continue ignoring Salem’s immortality.

“Ruby’s right,” is all Blake says and I’m starting to thinks that’s why her character exists now, to agree with Ruby. It’s great that she’s getting a little distance from Yang, but man.

As Ruby asks whether Pietro can get Amity up and running despite it not being finished (called it) we start an incredibly odd sequence of flashforwards to their individual missions. I’ve seen a lot of praise for this already and though I agree that, in theory, it’s a good way to save time, I found the actual execution to be jarring. Upon thinking back through our timeline, it became clear they were flashforwards, but while watching I thought they might be flashbacks (especially since that’s more common).

Some of the shots, like Nora’s, just look awkward when you’ve got the exact expression and pose transplanted from one scene to another, like she’s a cardboard cutout behind a green screen. To say nothing of how the flashforwards ruin any suspense (I use that word loosely) in the conversation itself. If the question is, “Will they decide to go to the military compound?” then that question is answered when we see Ruby scoping out the compound, not when the group actually decides on the course of action.

It just made an already muddled scene worse for me, so I hope this trend doesn’t continue.

And of course, Amity can be used despite all the info last volume claiming that it wasn’t finished. Pietro suddenly acts like it is finished and the only thing standing in their way is Ironwood providing access. If that were the case, he would have used Amity weeks or days ago like he wanted to! When was it finished? Not after Watts commented on how incomplete it was. When did they get back the resources they needed from Robyn? It’s as ridiculous and retcon-y as I thought it would be.

Yang points out that Ironwood will never listen to them and Ruby counters that “he doesn’t have to.” They’ll just take the access from him. Because why wouldn’t they in a series where they’ve already stolen two airships? Stealing from the super evil military that Joanna wishes were helping them right now is just the group’s go-to plan nowadays.

Pietro isn’t sold on this plan though. He lists at least three obstacles they’d need to get through “and then… oh boy, I might need to think about this some more.” “And just to clarify,” Oscar says, “This is the easy option?” Um...no it’s not? We also know there’s an access point in Ironwood’s office so… why not go there instead? They really think the Academy is less guarded than the military base? There’s a potential justification here along the lines of, “After Neo and Cinder broke into his office Ironwood will have the place on high alert,” but unless I missed it the group doesn’t assume anything like that. They just listen to Pietro point out all the ways they can’t get into the military base and jump straight to that being the best option. It feels like a transparent way to create conflict for the group. We’ll just have them taking the most dangerous route despite an easy route being offered alongside it. Why bother mentioning his office at all? Just have the access in the military base. Boom, done.

It’s that conflict and the fact that Ruby tends to hear “You can’t” and digs in her heels. You can’t go to Atlas. I’ll just steal a ship then. You can’t defeat Salem. Watch me. You can’t break into this base. Guess what I’m doing! She’s dangerous in her fairy tale, meta-driven insistence that everything will turn out her way because she wants it to.

Speaking of, we finally—FINALLY—get someone challenging Ruby. Sort of. Not actually but it’s the closest we’ve ever gotten:

Yang: “Ruby, when we came here we said we’d follow your lead… but things haven’t exactly worked out.”

Now, there are two things to take away from this moment. The first is how utterly shocked Ruby and the others are. I mean, take a look at these expressions.

Ruby straight up can’t believe what she’s hearing. Weiss put her hand to her mouth like this is the most dramatic thing to ever happen to her. Oscar looks down in a ‘Yeah, I agree but please don’t look at me and make me admit that’ way. And Nora looks indifferent in the screenshot but animated she goes sort of stern, likely pissed that Yang would dare say that given her own agreement with Ruby. This not only reiterates that Yang’s challenge came out of nowhere—seriously, how did we move from following Ruby no matter what to this? Last volume she asked a single question along the lines of, ‘You sure?’ and when Ruby said ‘Yes’ Yang was entirely on board—but also demonstrates that no one has EVER said no to her before. Ruby is amazed that someone would challenge her. The act of challenging Ruby is, in and of itself, shocking. This group has gotten so used to following Ruby blindly that the teensiest little pushback is greeted with this.

Because it is teensy. This is the second takeaway: Yang barely challenges her and that challenge leads nowhere. She doesn’t accuse Ruby of anything, she doesn’t question her continued authority, she just broadly implies that things could be better. We followed you, now things are bad, take from that what you will. It’s incredibly mild as far as criticism goes, making the shock all the more, well, shocking, but it also amounts to—wait for it—nothing! Because Yang didn’t truly challenge Ruby’s leadership. She’s still in charge, she’s still calling the shots, and they’re still listening to her. We might have gotten some change if this division had been allowed to play out, but instead Jaune comes in with a, “Let’s go for both!” solution. It let’s both groups get what they want which, in turn, releases them from the need to grapple with whether they’ll listen to Ruby when she’s advocating for something they don’t agree with. We have now lost the chance to see whether, when push comes to shove, Ren and Yang will cave to Ruby’s will or stick by their own beliefs.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s more conflict than we’ve gotten in years, but that doesn’t mean it’s particularly compelling conflict. It’s good by RWBY’s standards, which doesn’t necessarily make it good. The actual issues at hand—Ruby’s dangerous arrogance, the group’s loyalty, her choices up until now—are just swept under the rug. For all the visuals we get insisting that there’s this great divide in the group… there’s really not. Not in any way that matters.

Also, Ruby is an idiot. Okay, that was mean, but she really is in this scene. She’s actually not an idiot overall because she was written as wonderfully intelligent in the early volumes, but now? Lately? She makes me want to bang my head against a wall.

“But that’s how Salem got this far,” she cries. “By dividing us!”

Ruby… oh my god, Ruby. No one should have to explain to you that dividing people means turning them against each other, not literally dividing your team to complete separate tasks. This girl honestly thought that because there was this teensy disagreement and that half the team would complete Plan A while she and the other half completed Plan B, both of which notably work towards the goal of, “Protect people from Salem,” that this was somehow what Salem wanted. That is was dangerous. Honestly, it’s a scary look at her view of leadership too: If everyone doesn’t 100% agree with me and do what I say, that’s an objectively bad thing that the grimm queen wants, right? Does Ruby think that unification means following a single person (her) without question or variation? That would explain a lot...

The fact that Oscar needs to explain the difference to her is not good. It really doesn’t say great things about this version of Ruby. Though he was comparing Ironwood to Salem last volume, so really they should all be wearing dunce hats.

Penny offers to take the relic directly to Salem in exchange for her leaving the kingdom alone. I honestly didn’t expect that. If anyone took that risk I would have put my money on Ozpin (but of course, during all this talk of the women he knows best, he’s kept quiet). Oscar is again the voice of wisdom, pointing out that they have no reassurance that Salem will keep her word. At least Penny is thinking about Salem as a threat though, so kudos for that. When this plan is shot down she volunteers to get Ruby past the military security instead and, uh, she’s a little intense about it.

I’m not entirely sure what is going on with Penny. She disagreed with Winter but then seemed to come around to her point of view, enough to help anyway. They had another (stupid) disagreement about the value of individual lives, so that helps to explain why she’s teaming up with RWBYJNOR (if you ignore that Ironwood is also trying to save individual lives...). Did watching Fria die shake her up? Is it being the Winter Maiden that’s not sitting right? Does Penny have lingering feelings about the framing that haven’t shown up until now? Her status as a ‘real girl’? We’ve got a lot of reasons that could definitely explain this sudden need to fight, but we’re not told which—if any of these—is the driving force.  

We’re then given a lot of little details. Someone points out that if Salem gets the staff and “create[s] anything else” then Atlas will fall (so yeah, let’s move the people underneath it). We still don’t know what exactly the Staff does because “creation” is kind of broad and “powering a city to float” doesn’t seem to sit within that category at all. Pietro gives Yang the keys to his lab so they can get the bikes. We see the group dividing in the flashforwards, something I do like, especially since the show has gone out of its way to break up most of the usual duos. Nora in particular is pissed at Ren for his choice.

“Oh, I’m saving Mantle because I actually believe we can do this.”

#yikes. Well, I did say I wanted a conflict other than ‘Oh no, one of us might die’ and it looks like I got it. But Nora, the only reason you can do this is because the plot is in your corner: none of you are collapsing from two major fights, you didn’t lose your aura so the cold isn’t a danger, the military is barely a threat all of a sudden, Salem is helpfully hanging out in her whale instead of killing you, and the story decided that Amity can function so long as you all are the ones who get to use it. That’s why you can do this. Ren, who follows in-world logic and doesn’t want to risk a whole kingdom’s worth of lives on a pipe dream, thinks differently, oddly enough.

As they leave though Penny gets a call from Ironwood. I know precisely what the fandom is going to say here: “This evil man is just trying to use Penny to open the vault!” Of course he is. He needs it open to save everyone he can, Penny included. Plus the concept of “using” her is a double-edged sword. What do we think the group is doing right now? Using her to get past the security. Penny’s power is a tool any way you slice it. Granted, Penny volunteers to help the group, but notably here Ruby speaks for her. Penny seems torn and Ruby takes the scroll away with, “She’s not going anywhere until you change your mind about Mantle.”

Sorry, Ruby, but coming from you that sounds less like a reassurance for Penny and more like just an order for Ironwood. Remember Harriet? We’ll stop attacking you provided you do what we want. Ruby has yet to learn about compromises, let alone acknowledge that she might be wrong. How about you let Penny decide where she goes, especially since by all logic she should have a lot of loyalty to Ironwood. She knew him before she ever met you. She’s worked with him since she was rebuild post-Volume 3. Despite what Penny has said, if the story would just let her think about his actions for a hot second—making her the protector of Mantle, sticking up for her after the framing, sending her to the party, teaming her up with Ruby, etc.—she might realize that the ‘He doesn’t want me to have friends’ and ‘He just treats me like a tool’ assumptions are just that, unfounded assumptions. But no, Ruby speaks for them both because Ironwood is evil now.

“If she makes it through our defenses,” Ironwood says, “everything that follows will be on your hands.”

That’s true! Kind of like how it’s own Qrow’s hands that Clover died. When you insist on making a bad situation worse you hold responsibility when the shit hits the fan. You know though that Salem won’t get through their defenses now, somehow, so that there’s no chance RWBYJNOR will be blamed for it. Or, by that point Ironwood will be so crazed that anything coming out of his mouth is dismissed, no matter how accurate it might be.

We then transfer to the Ace Ops who are, despite what the fandom theorized for many months, clearly upset about Clover. Also pissed. Which they have every right to be. Their friend and leader was killed. Imagine for a moment that Ruby had been murdered by Tyrian with an allies’ help. Exactly what do you think the group would do? Swallow it quietly and get over it? Ha.

I’ve already seen some speculation that Clover survived due to details like showing us the bandage and his room being listed as for a “Patient,” but he looks pretty dead to me.

He got gutted through the chest and left out in the snow for who knows how long. We saw him slip away. Qrow screamed over his dead body. He’s not breathing now. If RWBY suddenly claims he survived this, I’m calling BS.

Most of the other visuals we get here were already dropped in the trailer. Winter is pretty injured from her encounter with Cinder, likely permanently based on her new outfit. Ironwood had to replace his arm—and I am calling BS on that “Losing his arm is reflective of him losing his humanity” commentary from RT. Please go read up on a couple decades worth of ableism in media and then get back to me.

We get Ironwood’s line about the light shields and, notably, a whole lot of empathy. Regardless of what he might want Penny for, he still called her with compassion. He’s watching the Ace Ops mourn their friend. He’s talking about protecting his kingdom. The first thing he says to Winter is, “Thank you, Winter. I don’t know what I would do without you.” Ironwood has a heart! It’s always on display, which makes this scene utterly ridiculous.

I literally don’t know how to respond to this. The gunshot made me jump, both because it’s a gunshot and because, again, what the fuck? I know I said that next volume RT might just have Ironwood descend into full villainy, shooting whoever he pleases now that he’s shot Oscar, but I didn’t actually expect them to do it. Because he never should have shot Oscar in the first place! I wanted the story to let Oscar grapple with it a bit and then quietly backtrack, acknowledging it as the mistake it was. The concept that Ironwood, empathetic Ironwood, rational Ironwood, always thinks before he acts Ironwood, let’s kids yell at him Ironwood, tried to team up with Robyn Ironwood, did everything Ruby wanted Ironwood, won’t kill Watts after he destroyed his arm Ironwood would shoot this guy just to shut him up is absurd. It was absurd then, it’s absurd now.

That being said, there’s a possibility he didn’t actually shoot the council member, but rather just (“just”) gave a warning shot down the hallway. I say this because the reactions to this are pretty tame. Everyone looks startled, yeah, but after the initial shot there’s nothing that I would expect if there was now a guy bleeding out on the floor. The council woman doesn’t scream. Winter doesn’t seem overly shocked. No one is running to try and help him. Basically, if Ironwood had just killed a political figure in front of six witnesses, entirely unprovoked, I would expect a bit more of a reaction than this. This feels far more like a, “Damn he’s not joking around, letting off warning shots to get people to leave him alone” not “WOW, our general just killed someone in cold blood!”

What I really hate though—beyond just assassinating his character—is how many fans think my friends and I are delusional for calling it character assassination at all. I hopped onto the RWBY tag for five minutes this morning and was bombarded with posts about how Ironwood needs to be murdered horrifically, anyone who likes him is sick, the Ironwood stans are as bad as Adam stans, you’re an idiot if you want him redeemed… because apparently the concept of a story writing a character badly doesn’t compute. I’m not here to argue that Ironwood didn’t do these awful things (regardless of whether he actually killed the guy or not). I’m not here to argue that they’re not awful. I’m just here to say that we never should have gotten these scenes in the first place, or if we were going to get them, we deserved an actual descent into murder at the drop of a hat territory. I’ve already explained extensively on this blog how early Ironwood was not accurate foreshadowing for this, and Volume 7 certainly wasn’t setup, but it looks like the majority of fans aren’t interested in examining whether any of this adds up. Which makes my job, as someone trying to examine this series somewhat objectively—in as much as that’s possible for any single viewer—as well as simply enjoy it as a show, really hard. It’s bad enough when a story keeps taking the characters you love and villainizing them, and doing that badly, but then when you turn to the community and see them rallying around the idea that you’re awful for being dissatisfied—you’re the bootlicker, you’re the blind stan, you can’t see what’s ‘really’ going on here… that sucks. For those of you happy and satisfied with Ironwood’s arc, that’s great! I’ve also seen a lot of posts hyping up the complexity of his character now. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying what we’ve been given and I’d never want to imply that just because it’s not what I wanted it’s somehow wrong. I’m honestly thrilled that after a year of worry so many people have adored our premiere, including this scene. I just wish that I could say RWBY had given me something I didn’t want in a persuasive manner and that the fandom as a whole was a bit more welcoming of differing criticisms.

Not that I didn’t already know the RWBY fandom had its flaws, but still lol.

That’s basically it for our premiere. Nice note to end on, huh? Our final scene is of Salem using the lamp to set her bloodhound grimm on the city. Why doesn’t she just go herself? What was she planning to do here in Atlas in the first place, considering that getting the relic was a surprise? Who knows. Little about this holds together. But we do end with another awesome shot, so small favors.

It’s always strange concluding a recap, but even more-so when it’s a premiere, during a historical moment in the U.S., amidst all the nonsense that is 2020. So for now I’ll just conclude with three quick things:

The updated bingo board will be listed at the end of each recap, provided I don’t forget about it lol. Today I’m checking off tone (not nearly enough freaking out about Salem), the team keeping secrets (Oscar), and major plot point dropped (Amity is suddenly finished). I could also probably check off the cold not killing civilians and getting Amity up and running, but we’ll see if any changes with those.

I’m including my Ko-Fi link at the end of recaps now. Not with any expectations. Not with anything resembling pressure. I thought long and hard over whether to include it at all—let alone mention it here—because I love doing these and never want anyone to feel like it comes with strings attached. But life is a little harder and weirder than it was last year, so I figure it can’t hurt. Feel free to pass on by and I won’t be bringing it up past this note.

Far more importantly: thank you for reading! :D

(Bonus 4. Editing this was an absolute nightmare — damn you, tumblr!  — so I apologize if anything is super wonky when I finally post.)

See you next week! 💜

[Ko-Fi]

[ngame989]

SVTFOE: A Retrospective

Happy Mama Star Day!

OK, first and foremost, a quick update on TGG: I plan to have something ready for at least one of the major anniversaries coming up, and hopefully will resume slightly more regular updates from then forward. Thanks to everyone for your continued support, it’s been a rough year so far for me personally and for everyone in in the current pandemic situation. The anniversary of both STH and Mama Star seemed like a fitting time to get some things off my chest, both good and bad, so I’ll do that now and get it out of the way to focus on bigger and better things in the future. Fair warning, this is gonna be long and rambly and personal more than it is any sort of serious show analysis. If you’re looking for fun, feel-good celebration of what definitely were some of my favorite moments in the series, I’m not so sure this is gonna be the post for you.

It goes without saying that Star vs the Forces of Evil, for better or worse, is incredibly important to me and has been without fail for years. How are you supposed to feel when something that important lets you down so hard? Is having such strong, mixed emotions and attachment better than having nothing you care about at all? The past year hasn’t answered these questions for me, and this post certainly won’t either. There’s no thesis or likely any kind of closure here, just me baring a bit of my soul here on tumblr dot com.

It’s been a rough year or two for me. I don’t want to get too much into the specifics, but let’s just say I hit a crossroads where the entire path I’d envisioned for myself in life came into serious question, and I had been spiraling into depression and paralyzing anxiety over a complete lack of any fulfillment in my “professional” life for months before I even recognized it for what it was. Season 3 finished airing around the last few months of my undergraduate degree, which (while obviously it significantly emotionally impacted me) was a generally happy and stable time in my life. As things started to change and get worse for me, SVTFOE S4 was my ray of hope. I’m not kidding when I say that some days in the hiatus leading up to it, the thought of S4 delivering on its potential for emotional fulfillment and Starco goodness (consistently, not just at the end) was the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning and the only positive thing I could see in my future. 

When we got the S4 we got, it shattered me, utterly and completely. This isn’t an attempt to dunk on S4 in some “objective” manner - hell, I even like a lot of the things about it that the fandom despises (the ending prioritizing character closure over lore, the upheaval of the political structure rather than just having Star become the Goodest Queen, etc). I’d still make the argument that a lot of the character development was very flimsy and poorly paced, a very clear effort to force the relationship resolution to be delayed until the end at all costs, but that’s not the point here. Life felt dull and lonely and warm fluffy Starco was my vicarious escape from that, and the season we got left me so completely hollow insid that it felt like I couldn’t breathe for its first more-than-a-dozen episodes, and I was so burnt out that I couldn’t even properly enjoy the parts that were genuinely good.

Even earlyish on, I was already fearing that things wouldn’t be resolved till the end and that there’d be almost none of the content I actually longed for from the show. As I’ve mentioned before, The Greatest Gift was born the morning after Lake House Fever’s late night release, out of salt and spite and a need to give myself something good to look forward to, even if it would be something I’d be making myself. I completely removed myself from even passing conversations with my best friends in the fandom because it hurt too much to even think about. I even had Seddm give me summaries of episodes before I watched them so I could take some time to emotionally prepare (at least until the 2nd to last week). And to the show’s credit, its last few weeks of episodes (with some exceptions) tried their absolute damnedest to right the ship (pun intended) and bring back the sorts of things I wanted with a vengeance. I was smiling like a complete fool for 12 hours straight after Here to Help. The ending didn’t fix my issues with the show, not by a fucking long shot, but it at least left me on a positive enough note that there was a feverish enthusiasm to continue it further on my own.

But it’s been tough. Have you or a family member/friend ever gotten bad food poisoning from a restaurant you really liked, and the smell of it makes you queasy afterwards even though you do really like it? That’s probably the best analogy I can draw to a lot of my relationship with SVTFOE since it ended. PLEASE NOTE I’M IN NO WAY TRYING TO EQUATE THE MAGNITUDE OF MY IRE WITH A CARTOON WITH SERIOUS DISORDERS THAT PEOPLE SUFFER FROM, but I’d almost be tempted to liken it to PTSD. Seeing reminders of the painful parts can put me in a bad mood for hours, and on some days even just dwelling on the show in any way will invite creeping negativity and “why the fuck couldn’t it have just-” types of thoughts taking over. There have been some days writing TGG where having to draw inspiration from or reference events/dialogues in S4 was so emotionally taxing that I had to stop writing for the night. I blocked Seddm’s entire askbox tag because I’d find my own emotions frothing into a rage over things in the show people would bring up. I’ve lost acquaintances and potential friendships over my bitterness. I instantly block anyone who posts even a hint of Tomstar/Kellco content in the Starco tags on any site because it induces such palpable negativity in my heart - I think I’m up to 1000 accounts blocked on Instagram right now, which is why Toxic runs the TGG page over there. If you’re one of the people out there that tried to strike up a conversation with me over a shared interest in the show and I vomited bile into your DMs, I sincerely apologize. And to anyone who got wrapped up in the brazen high hopes I put forth here every day as S4 approached and came crashing down with me as a result, I’m sorry for that too.

And yet... I can’t say there’s not a genuine love I still have for a lot of it. I still have my little shrine of stickers and pictures that I’ll sometimes just get let myself get lost in. There was a recent postcanon fic started by someone who just caught up on the show that brought such a depth of warmth into my chest that I’m smiling like an idiot just now thinking about it. I haven’t watched even a clip (let alone a whole episode) that Star and Marco’s voices in my head feel distant and abstract, but when I’m writing chapters I can still get emotional imagining them saying and doing things out of their devotion to one another. I’ve made no secret that I (to put it very very very lightly) have a strong distaste for the vast majority of this fandom, and yet the joy of knowing I could make people’s days or lives brighter gives me a satisfaction I can’t put words to. Don’t get me wrong, writing quickly just isn’t my thing normally anyway - I’m not trying to suggest that the sole reason for TGG downtime is that I’m driving knives into my own heart and pouring my blood onto the page. Just that that’s part of it, and it takes its toll. 

The last few months, although I have missed the joy of brewing up fluff ideas and seeing them come to life, have admittedly been a welcome reprieve just not having to think about this stuff so much. In the last few weeks I’ve finally been coming around to a bit of a better place where the good bubbles up without bringing as much of the bad with it. It will likely still wax and wane, and I can’t guarantee if or when TGG will fully finish. And this isn’t my entire life - I have MMOs and card games and all kinds of other hobbies that suck up lots of my time, so don’t worry about me just lying in bed sobbing over S4 for 12 hours a day. I don’t know if the day will ever come when I can truly be at peace with it all, but I don’t want to toss out the good with the bad. All I can ask is for your patience as my own journey evolves alongside my writing, until the day comes when perhaps this story can finally come to a close. Thanks for reading, and stay safe.

Ngame

[melissanovels]

♡ Chapter 5 of TRANSIENT TIME TRAVELLER is out! ♡

○ Read on my Website ○ Read on Tumblr (below) ○ Read on Ao3 ○ Read on Royal Road  ○

TTT  is an LGBTQ+ historical fantasy novel about Aida, a time traveller hellbent on proving the innocence of a 1,200-year-old dead queen, and Lorian, an escaped princess-turned-officer who wants to drain the royal blood from their body, & the two coming together with the help of their mischievous future selves.

♡ Reblogs are appreciated! ♡

Read Chapter 5 Below:

As Lorian walked into an empty classroom and waited for Aida and Mister Omar to leave, she pressed her back into the door and utterly lost it.

She covered her mouth with her gloved hands. She’d done it. She’d finally talked to Aida again. And she hadn’t been so crass as she’d been when they’d first met. The first time had been a complete disaster. With Aida being naked and Lorian open-mouthed staring at her, the curves of her wide hips and ass, her breasts, her face, her eyes. God help her, she’d never seen a woman’s body so openly before. All she’d wanted to do that night was slam her down into bed and do unspeakable things to her, yet what had Aida wanted? To talk about fantasy novels and a queen who’d been dead for 1,200 years. What had Lorian even said that’d led her up to Aida’s bedroom? She’d need to write it down for reference.

Despite being betrothed for more than half of her life, Lorian hadn’t a clue how courting worked. The girls she’d met in the palace were diplomatic and groomed to please her, all peachy smiles and saying whatever they needed to make her happy. She’d tried to court an Aldaían knight a few years back, but she’d only earned her name and her preference of cakes before they’d parted ways.

Aida’s attitude was so defiant, so cheeky and unbecoming that it would’ve sent Lorian’s father into hysterics. She wanted her. She wanted to crack her open and explore her mind and passions and give it back to her a ten-thousand fold.

Lorian dragged her hands down her face. Maybe she’d buy her a history book, really push more into the things she loved, or maybe a ticket to En Tempore Rose. The official one, the one that played in the Colosseum. She’d have to schedule a trip to the city center. She’d wear a cloak.

After she heard Aida run off somewhere, Lorian re-entered the library and backtracked for the books Aida had put away. They were old and leather-bound, with yellow pages that smelled of mothballs: History of Roma: From the Perspective of King Julius II to His People and Hidden Dangers of Visatorre in Roman History.

Lorian put that last one back. Aida was brave to read about history that was so rarely taught in class. Lorian had secretly read about it behind Missus’ Sharma’s back. She’d learned about the lost city-state of Siina and the belligerent queen who killed one of the dead kings, and how they killed and tortured those poor Visatorre people for sport soon afterwards as punishment. Thrown into the Colosseum with a pack of lions without any weapons with which to defend themselves. In this aisle alone, Lorian saw four other books detailing what a plight the Visatorre were to other people not blessed with the ability to travel through time.

She believed. The power to go back in time, acting as a ghost to witness history in the raw way it was intended, only to come back and harbor the pains of going backwards. She’d never understand their full pain, she could only educate herself and hope that that injustice would never happen again in her history.

After skimming through more of Aida’s books and realizing how little of it she retained, Lorian picked up the shortest read and went near the windows for light.

She got to page ten, most of which was a glorified chapter about how great the Roman kings were and are, when she heard someone call her name.

“Lorian, you fuck!”

Between the library and the writing hall was a strip of muddy grass. It was a shortcut between the buildings for her and other officers to travel. Two of them were there, calling for her: Alessio and Matteo, the two assholes she’d befriended that month.

“There he is, little bugger,” Alessio said, catching Lorian’s profile from the window. He climbed onto a rock wall to get closer. “Get out of there and come down. Lunch’s almost over!”

“Alright, alright,” she said, and slotted the book for later.

They were good boys, these two. She liked them enough to hang out with them while not on duty. They didn’t know this, and they never would, but she’d actually known them back at the palace. All officers-in-training had to go through a mandatory training program held by a Constable. Lorian had always favored officers for their rowdiness. She’d watch them work out in secret, sneak peeks at their naked bodies when they’d change. When she’d found that both Alessio and Matteo were working as security details at this academy, her decision had been made. A few faked letters of recommendation and her crafty ability to lie through her teeth and she was enrolled as an officer-in-training in a week.

They’d never known it was her as she paraded around as a young, unfavorable princess with incredibly long hair wearing the dresses she loathed, but she liked to tease them every now again with knowledge she shouldn’t have known.

“Hey, Alessio, have you ever been persuaded to eat worms?”

“Matteo, didn’t you pee yourself after seeing a real lion in captivity?”

“Have you two ever kissed on a dare?”

She’d lied to them, calling herself a good guesser.

She walked out of the library and turned the corner to find her boys, but they weren’t there. The yard was quiet; she heard the teachers writing on the chalkboard from the writing rooms.

She stilled her steps. From her knowledge, she knew nobody could truly vanish from the world for good. Something would always bring you back to where you were meant to be.

A twig snapped behind her, and she was put into a chokehold that stole away her breath. She could’ve gotten out of it easily, but she didn’t want to hurt who, from their laughing, she knew was Alessio. Alessio was a redhead with more power than Lorian believed him to have. Matteo, on the other hand, was softer, with dark, floppy hair and innocent eyes.

Laughing, Lorian took out her rapier and used the butt of the sword to knock the wind out of Alessio.

Alessio gagged and let her go. “Ow! You ass.”

“You attacked me.” She lightly kicked him for good measure. “What’re we doing now?”

“Late lunch,” Matteo said, and shared a loaf of bread. They weren’t students, but through their enlistment, they were given a dorm room that she shared with Alessio and Matteo and three simple meals ordained by their royal regimen. Sometimes, if they wooed the right girl or boy, they’d get sweets and even alcohol, something that was forbidden to officers. All three of them had already gotten drunk in that month alone.

They walked to their preferred eating space that the Academy cheekily called “The Defense Wall.” It separated the school from the villainous farmlands of lazy cows and stupid chickens. What used to be a formidable, three-meter tall fortress from a time period Aida probably knew about was now a blockage from the smelly farm animals that provided the school a portion of their eggs, milk, cheese, and occasional meat.

Lorian hopped atop an abandoned wagon of hay to scale the tall wall. Alessio followed her, and they needed to help Matteo make it due to his size. There, they shared their bread and butter and made horrible jokes for hours that, if any other officer heard them say, they would’ve had their hands whipped. Lorian had had her fair share of that back home and was keen not to get struck again for misbehaving.

As Lorian dined, Alessio asked her, “Why do you always spend your time in those libraries? You never read.”

It was true, Lorian wasn’t so much a learned soul as her mother and father pretended she was. She was a physical person who liked getting her hands dirty in order to understand something abstract. This had been her fourth trip to the library that week. The first attempt to find and talk to Aida had failed miserably and she was left hiding behind a bookshelf to spy on her. The other try and Aida hadn’t even been there. The girl kept Lorian on a leash and Lorian had no problem with that. “I do read. I know a great deal of things, much more than you do.”

“Then name two books you’ve loved over the past year. No, five authors, and no poets.”

“You try that. When’s the last time you ever picked up a book?” Lorian reached to pull on Alessio’s hair, but he jerked away and stuffed his mouth with his dry loaf end.

“That Miss spends her time there, doesn’t she?” Matteo asked. “That Aida girl.”

“The traveller?” Alessio asked. “She’s a weird one. I’ve talked with some of the girls in her class, and they say she’s really weird. I heard she’s gonna get the nix, you know?” He made a mark across his neck. “Cut out.”

“What do you mean?” Lorian asked.

“I heard it from my father, and he heard it from Constable Carmine. Word from the Lion is that he’s gonna bar those types of people from secondary education.”

Lorian’s ears heated up. “Carmine said that? And the king agreed to it? When?”

Alessio slowed his chewing at Lorian’s mention of Carmine’s name without his title. She had to stop doing that, being so informal about a man she shouldn’t have known so personally. “That’s just what I heard from my dad, so I think it’s true.”

Lorian rubbed her neck. She knew Carmine well enough to forgo titles when she’d address him in the palace, but after being promoted to Constable, she couldn’t say if this was something he’d enforce under the king’s orders or not. He’d exchange his heart for his duty.

But she wouldn’t have put this horrendous action past her father. He was the most racist, hurtful, selfish person she’d ever known, and she hated herself that parts of his speech and behaviors had sunk into her own bones. It took a great deal of unlearning to undo all of those negative stereotypes, and it took her finally leaving the house and joining the ranks to realize how real Visatorre people lived and how awful the world was to them.

“What’s to happen to her?” Matteo asked when they went silent.

“Dunno,” Alessio said. “Kick her out? There’s only a few of those people here, so it’s not like we’d notice right away.”

“But that’s not fair,” Lorian said. “She hasn’t done anything.”

“That’s not gonna stop them, you know that.”

“Then…I’ll stop them,” she promised, and tried mimicking how confident Aida sounded whenever she opened her mouth. “It’s not right. Do you know Miss Mirko uses a cane because of her illness—” She bit her cheek. “Uh, affliction. Can you imagine walking around with a cane at our age? It’s uncouth to belittle those who were born with advantages we weren’t given.”

Alessio pulled a face. “Don’t act high and mighty to me. This wasn’t my decision, I’m just the fucking messenger. And it’s not like we can change this.”

“Say I become a leading Constable, then,” Lorian argued. “I’d rewrite the rules to make them fair for everyone.”

“You wanna be a Constable?”

“Don’t you? Isn’t that the goal of being an officer, to one day be a Constable?”

“Eh, not really. Not for me, anyway. I just needed to get away from my mother, and this was the best option. To be a Constable means you have to put in ten, sometimes fifteen-hour-days and be on the king’s every beck and call. Thanks, but I’m good just being ordered around for simple things.”

“And I wanted to become stronger like my brothers are, but I don’t think I’m strong enough to do everything a Constable does,” Matteo said, and he looked across the field towards the water well. “Oh.”

Alessio and Lorian followed his intent gaze.

“Speak of the devil,” Alessio said.

Stomping down the fields, dress lifted to keep from stepping in cow droppings, was Aida on a mission. Her hands were bunched up in her dress, her teeth grit, and she was mumbling something to herself as her heels plowed through the dry mud. She’d lost her cane, shortening her steps.

Lorian brushed the crumbs off of her chest and stood up higher to better see her. She always walked with such determination, like she truly did not care how other people saw her. Lorian wanted to walk like that one day.

“Do you need a hand, Miss?” Alessio called out.

“Fuck off!” Aida yelled back.

Alessio tensed up. “What the fuck’s her problem?” he muttered.

“S-she isn’t allowed to talk to us like that,” Matteo said meekly. “What should we do?”

“We need to stop her. Hey—”

Lorian palmed Alessio’s chest, almost knocking him off completely before clutching his jacket and keeping him vertical.

“Ow! Lorian, what’s with you today?”

Lorian stared intently at Aida.

Silent tears were running down Aida’s cheeks as she walked. She wasn’t sobbing or weeping, the tears were simply there, though it was hard to tell why she was crying in the first place. It looked like she was off to kill somebody.

When she was out of sight and then some, Lorian got up, told her friends that she was thirsty, and secretly tailed Aida down her chosen path.

[pokii-jonas]

Accepting Deceit : Chapters 7 and 8

so... for the life of me, i can’t remember if i added chapter 7 to tumblr, so i figured i’d just do these 2 chapters together ;p

sorry about forgetting to update on here!!! if you want updates sooner, just see my AO3 here because i update that a day before tumblr usually :p

chapter 6 here

WARNINGS:

(chapter 7) -  light swearing (one f bomb), a lot of kissing (idk if that's a warning, but just in case)

(chapter 8) -  crying (i guess?)

CHAPTER 7

When Remy first appeared in front of Roman, knocking his full mug to the ground and breaking it, Roman wasn’t entirely sure what was happening.

“Re-!” Roman started to say, only to be cut off my Remy putting his finger to his lips and saying, “Oh, shut up you idiot.”

Before anything else could be said, Remy was pressing his lips forcefully against Roman’s.

Roman simply kissed back, slowly at first but with more force as the kiss deepened and he finally convinced himself that yes:

This was fucking happening.

And oh god was it amazing.

They didn’t split for a while, but when they finally did it was Remy drawing back to take a deep breath.

They both were breathing heavily and their cheeks were slightly flushed a soft red as they stared at each other.

“W...where the heck did that come from?” Roman asked quietly, his voice slightly lower than usual which cause Remy to smirk.

Looking Roman up and down, Remy got off of him and went to sit at the other end of the couch while saying, “You’re an idiot. Why didn’t you ever tell me you liked me?”

Roman’s face flushed a little brighter.

“Well, I thought you didn’t like me! I… ya know… didn’t wanna ruin anything.” he said, starting off strong and confident but gradually getting quieter.

Remy gave a small laugh.

“Wow, you are so cute when making excuses.” he said sarcastically, a smirk playing across his face.

Roman glared over at him.

“Oh yeah ‘Mr. I Have a Crush on Roman and I’m Never Gonna Tell Him because He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way?’ Well then, I must say you’re on fire because I smell the smokey scent of a hypocrite.” Roman retorted, crossing his arms as he tried to hide his growing smirk.

Remy wanted to roll his eyes at the over complicated attempt at a joke, but instead jumped forward once again and pressed himself back onto Roman.

Roman, more prepared this time, kissed back with full force and flipped Remy underneath him with surprising strength.

Remy let out a startled mumble at this and Roman pulled back slightly to give him a sly smirk.

Remy smirked back but as Roman began to close the distance between their mouths again Remy’s eyes went wide and he pressed his hand to cover Roman’s mouth.

“Oop! One sec babe, I needa do something real quick.” he said, moving to sit up despite Roman still being on top of him.

Pouting slightly, Roman got up and let Remy fully sit up. His pout quickly turned into confusion as Remy waved his hand and conjured the same pen and journal he had out earlier.

“What’s that?” Roman asked, watching Remy scribble a few sentences on a half filled page and then let it disappear with the pen.

“Hm? Oh, I guess it’s kind of like a dream journal. Except instead of writing down dreams, I write down things that actually happen.” Remy responded, leaning back and placing his sunglasses on his face as they had fallen off during his earlier surprise attack.

“Why would you write down reality though?” Roman asked, confused.

Remy felt a light blush fall across his cheeks as he answered, “I have trouble, uh, telling the difference sometimes. Ya know, between dreams and reality. The journal helps me remember I’m awake.”

It occurred to him that only Logan really knew this bit of information, though he figured the others probably picked up on it. Logan, however, was the only one he had directly told before.

Roman looked Remy up and down, trying not to think about how cute he was when he was blushing.

“Oh, okay. That makes sense, actually. Now I feel dumb for not noticing sooner.” Roman said with a small frown.

However, that frown quickly turned into a mischievous smirk as he looked Remy up and down again.

Remy, after his momentary shock at Roman just accepting that bit of information, smirked back and pounced onto Roman, smashing their lips together once again..

‘Oh, I could get used to this.’ Roman thought, kissing back and wrapping his arms around Remy.

CHAPTER 8

Patton led Logan back to his bedroom quietly, hoping they didn’t disturb the couple on the couch.

Reaching his room, he let go of Logan’s hand to hold the door open for him, giving a slight bow as he did so.

Logan repressed a grin and rolled his eyes at such a Roman mannerism coming from Patton as he walked into the room.

Patton felt a small grin grow on his face as he followed Logan, letting the door close behind him.

Finally alone and bathed in the calming glow of the blue fairy lights Patton had placed around his room, Logan felt himself at a loss of words.

He quietly made his way to the bed and sat down, trying to keep the best posture he could.

Patton smiled and sat down on the floor crossed legged across from him.

“There’s plenty of room on the bed you know.” Logan said as he looked down at Patton, confused.

Patton gave a cheery smile as he said, “Yeah, but the floor just feels better, you know?”

Logan did not know. He did not understand why people insisted on sitting on surfaces that weren’t designed to be sat on.

He was about to state this, but looking down at Patton’s face he knew that it would make no difference. He’d just argue that the logicality of it doesn’t change the ‘feelings’ or whatever.

If Patton wanted to sit on the floor then fine. Logan wouldn’t stop him.

Unfortunately, maintaining good posture was difficult when he had to keep his head tilted down to see Patton’s face.

Sighing and letting go of almost all the dignity and pride he had left, Logan gracefully slipped from the bed to the floor so he was sitting directly across from Patton.

Patton couldn’t control the smile that broke across his face, which he noticed happened around Logan quite often.

“How’s it feel?” Patton asked, bringing his legs to his chest to hug them. His eyes were shining with a joy that Logan couldn’t comprehend.

“It’s adequate I suppose. At least your rug is clean.” Logan stated, unconsciously running his hand over the dark blue fuzzy rug he was sitting on.

Patton opened his mouth at this, but quickly closed it as he decided not to tell Logan that he’d never cleaned his rug before.

Heck, he didn’t even know that was a thing people were supposed to do.

“So what do we do now?” Logan asked and Patton looked up from the floor to see Logan looking around the room inquisitively, quickly inspecting every item that caught his interest.

“Hmmm…” Patton hummed, resting his chin on his knees.

What did they do now? Remy and Roman were occupied and Virgil was still with Deceit.

Patton looked around his room as well, noticing a small dusty object hidden under his bed

“AHA!” he exclaimed, falling forward onto his stomach and stretching to pull it towards him.

Sitting up onto his elbows, he wiped the dust off of it and onto his rug.

Rolling onto his back, he tilted his head backwards to view Logan.

“Cards!” he shouted happily, thrusting the deck of cards he’d retrieved into the air above him with both hands.

Logan stared for a second, before reaching forward and grabbing the cards. Turning them over in his hands and examining them, he looked up to Patton with an excited glint in his features.

“I can’t believe you still have these. I thought Thomas lost them.” Logan said, looking back down at the playing cards. The playing cards that had a different star constellation on each card. The playing cards that he specifically remembers Thomas leaving on the subway in New York City.

“I keep everything, remember?” Patton said, giving Logan a breathtakingly gorgeous smile that left him staring at him for a few seconds before blushing and looking back down at the cards.

Pulling them out of their package, he felt a small smile grow on his face as he looked through all the different star constellations and their names.

Looking up again, he saw Patton looking at him, seeming to be completely enraptured with simply watching him.

Before Logan could really think about it, he felt himself inching closer to Patton until he was sitting directly next to him and their legs were pressed together.

Patton gave him a questioning look, but before he could ask what he was doing, Logan said, “This constellation is called Andromeda.”

Patton looked down and saw Logan holding one of the cards up.

Looking through the deck a little bit more, Logan pulled up another card.

“This constellation is called Cassiopeia. She’s the queen and the mother of Andromeda.”

“She looks like a chair.” Patton stated bluntly, tilting his head as he tried to see what was so queen-like about the seemingly random arrangement of stars.

Logan gave a small chuckle.

“Some people see a chair, but others see a ‘w.’ It all depends on how you are viewing it.”

Patton gave a small nod and Logan continued.

“This one is the king, otherwise known as Cepheus-“

“Wait, if people know that it doesn’t look like a queen, then why do they call it that? Also, how was it decided that Andromeda is related to the queen?” Patton asked, feeling as though his mind was about to catch fire as he tried to process and understand just the small amount of information that was being relayed to him.

Logan turned the corner of his mouth up in a small grin as he looked to Patton, who appeared to be deep thought.

“Would you like to hear the story?” he asked and Patton looked up at him with wide eyes.

“Story?” Patton asked curiously and Logan nodded.

“Yes. Most constellations have stories behind the name called ‘myths.’ Would you like to know the story of Andromeda?”

Patton’s eyes went even wider as he nodded his head enthusiastically, giving a bright smile.

Logan smiled to himself as he began to recount the classic Greek tale of how Andromeda was meant to be sacrificed to the sea monster Cetus after her mother Cassiopeia, who was married to the Ethiopian king Cepheus, bragged that Andromeda was more beautiful than the Nereids, or the sea nymphs. Poseidon, angered to hear this, sent Cetus the sea monster out to destroy devastate the land of Ethiopia by ravaging their coast. King Cepheus thus appealed to Zeus who decided the only way to appease the angered God would be to sacrifice Andromeda to Cetus.

Patton had tears sparkling in his eyes by this point.

“How could he agree to do that to his own daughter?” he asked, horrified.

“It’s just a story, Patton.” Logan said with a small frown, not happy with the effect the story seemed to have on Patton.

“That doesn’t make it any less horrible!” Patton exclaimed, hugging his knees close to his chest.

Logan’s frown deepened.

“Do you want me to continue?” he asked hesitantly, afraid of upsetting Patton even more.

Patton sniffled and vigorously nodded his head, wiping tears from his eyes.

Logan gave a small nod and continued.

“Well, the King did agree to this. He had Andromeda chained to the rocks to await her doom, but that’s when Perseus flew over head and spotted her.”

“Who’s Perseus?” Patton asked, once again quickly enraptured in the story.

“He’s a very well known figure in Greek Mythology. The son of Zeus and a human named Danae, he is most known for slaying Medusa-”

“WHAT?!?” Patton shouted, causing Logan to jump. “I thought that was Percy Jackson...” he continued, letting go of his knees and placing a hand to his chin in thought.

Logan sighed at this and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Patton, you do realize that that is a fiction book series and essentially none of those events actually transpired in mythology or reality, correct?”

“Can you tell me the real story next then?” Patton asked excitedly.

Logan looked up at this and, after taking in Patton’s excited face, smiled and nodded.

“Of course. Would you like me to finish the current story first?”

Patton nodded eagerly and Logan cleared his throat before continuing.

“Upon seeing the gorgeous Andromeda chained to the rocks, Perseus fell in love immediately. After killing Cetus and saving her, he asked King Cepheus for her hand in marriage.” Logan finished.

“Awwwww!” Patton breathily said, his eyes wet once again which caused Logan to panic.

“I’m sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. Here.” Logan said as calmly as possible, conjuring a tissue and handing it to Patton.

Patton laughed lightly, taking the tissue and blowing his nose.

“I’m not crying because I’m sad, Lo.” he said, looking to Logan with more tears forming in his eyes.

Logan started to panic further.

“Are you sure? I know really happy stories, I can tell you those if you’d rather or-” Logan started to ramble, cut off by Patton lightly pressing a finger to his lips.

“Calm down, mon étoile.” Patton said gently, removing his finger from Logan’s lips and smiling softly.

Logan promptly shut up, trying to ignore the fast beating of his heart.

“I loved the story.” he said, his smile growing just a bit.

“You did? Then why-”

“It was a good story-” Patton cut him off. “It was a good story, but that’s not what I liked the most about it.” Patton said, looking down at his hands with a small blush tinting his cheeks.

Logan tilted his head and looked at Patton curiously.

“What did you like about it then?” he asked, watching as Patton became increasingly flustered.

“I, well… I could listen to you talk all day. About anything. I… I just like your voice.” Patton said, his face getting redder as he stumbled over his words.

He was adorable. Logan felt himself short circuit as he looked at the flushing, adorable mess sitting next to him.

Distracted, Logan let the first thing he thought of slip out of his mouth.

“You’re Andromeda.” he whispered breathlessly and Patton looked up at him curiously.

“What?” Patton asked and now it was Logan’s turn to become a flustered disaster.

“I uh, well… You, umm- you are, uh, perfect- I mean, um, amazing- I mean nice! Just like, you know…” Logan said, words tumbling out of his mouth in a confusing mess.

Patton stared wide eyed at Logan before a huge smile took over his face.

“Does that mean you’re Perseus?” he asked brightly and Logan looked up at him.

“Wh-what do you mean?” he asked quietly.

Patton smiled as he stood up.

“Well, I can’t be Andromeda without a Perseus.” he said, holding out a hand towards Logan.

Logan looked at the outstretched hand for a second before grabbing it with his own hand and being helped up by Patton.

After brushing himself down, Logan looked back up to see Patton still smiling warmly at him.

“Why don’t we go back to my room? We can lie on my bed and I can show you more constellations.” Logan suggested, putting the cards back in their packaging and placing them on the bedside table.

Patton thought about it for a moment.

“Make it the floor and you have a deal.” he said, sticking out his tongue and clasping his hands behind his back.

Logan grinned despite himself.

“Fine.”

Patton smiled and with a snap of his fingers he was wearing his cat onesie and Logan was wearing his unicorn one.

“Might as well do this the right way.” Patton said at Logan’s questioning glace.

Logan rolled his eyes.

“Fine, let’s go.” he said, grabbing Patton’s hand as he led him out the door and down the hallway to his room.

***

so yeet!

i’ll be going through and changing the chapter links in my old posts to make it easier to get from chapter to chapter :p

hope you enjoyed! (and please tell me if i’ve put these chapters up already, i have such a bad memory)

TAGLIST:

@hghrules @the-doctor-demigod-wizard @asexualsinner @unisaurioamorfo @virgil-angsty-sanders @xechoecho88x @thatonepersonwhoshippeople @septic-fallen @cyberpunkjinx@fabulousfanaticfander @miserykillme @iamjdelightful

[tessatechaitea]

The Extremist #3

I'm disappointed that this half picture doesn't match up exactly with the half picture from Issue #2.

It's probably good I didn't post any of the blurbs that tried to bribe him with a handjob in the backroom of the Portland Comic-con.

Anyway, let's see what happened in "July, Nineteen Ninety-Three"! I'll try to baby it up so Tumblr doesn't shit its diapers.

Peter Milligan begins this issue all Peter Milligany.

Remember that this was written in 1993 when Peter Milligan makes mention of how a person could, at some point, be alone in anything. But also imagine now how the death of an intimate would go in 2019. Back in 1993, Judy is surprised to find that she's whisked away from her grief for long interludes by the bureaucratic machinations of a death in a capitalist democracy. This same kind of thing probably still happens except with more texts and emails and less phone conversations and driving to speak to people in person. But also imagine the non-bureaucratic side of death. We probably have far less close intimate contacts in our physical space now than we had in 1993, at least by percentage when compared with all people we would consider contacts (intimates who now live in another part of the world, people we know only from online, friends of friends we've maybe met once but now sometimes interact with over social media). In 1993. it would be phone calls and personal visits with flowers and cake or cookies. In 2019, you probably receive a deluge of crying emojis and people replying "*hugs*" to your post about your world crumbling beneath you as you try to stagger on with your remaining years bereft of the person you thought you could never live without. I suppose there are plenty of apps where people could send you cakes and cookies so I suppose it wouldn't be too terrible. Should I create an app that sends cakes and cookies to people when they've lost a loved one? It wouldn't cost anything. You'd just have to send me a small cake and some cookies with every use of the app! I can't wait to get extraordinarily fat! The journey is going to be so worth it!

Grief is a savory, selfish feast.

Peter Milligan has a way of expressing potent, terrible truths in such a casual manner that most people probably don't even notice them. There's an almost expressible power in believing you're experiencing something that nobody else has or will ever experience. Or just in knowing that you lived a part of your life unknown to your closest friends and family. I cherish, greedily, the moments of my life spent alone and far from those closest to me and I parcel them out as stories in only the most meager of manners. Hell, I've probably told more about myself and my experiences here on this blog exactly because I know my friends and family don't read it. I might say this every commentary until this series is over but I still don't know if I understand the point of the overall plot. But I do understand that the plot is a way for Peter Milligan to be Peter Milligan. I understand the need for a framework to say things you want to say. Or to just put scenes out there that you don't want to bother encasing in some kind of larger whole that you're less interested in. So here's another scene Peter Milligan had to have thought about and then needed a place to mention it:

Of course people still get horny for their dead partner! But how often does anybody talk about it?! Maybe it's common and I'm just consuming the wrong kinds of media. Alex Trebek never once asked a contestant if they jerk off thinking about their dead spouse!

Netflix's Dead to Me has some pretty frank discussions about the loss of a spouse but while Christina Applegate talks about being horny and wanting to fuck somebody, I don't think she ever says she masturbates thinking about her dead husband. If the point of this story is about dealing with loss, I'm beginning to get it. And that would completely explain why I missed it at twenty-one. I'm only three pages into this issue and it's kicking me in the face with existential issues. Was I too dumb at twenty-one to understand any of this or just too sheltered to really feel it? Maybe I was just too fucking young. Judy finds the key to Jack's Extremist apartment. After looking around the place, she thinks, "It was like having Jack die all over again, but this death seemed more profound. 'I never knew you,' I thought." It's an easy statement to point out that nobody ever really knows anybody. But once, because Jim Starling wrote a terrible run on Stormwatch, I wrote an entire rant about how we all hide our innermost dark secrets from even the greatest loves of our lives. I was essentially asking how can we know anyone if we won't even let those closest to us know our most vulnerable thoughts and terrible crimes (I don't mean crimes in the law and order sense! I just mean like that time you put your finger in your ass and then made sandwiches for your friends and they all got sick and you didn't do it on purpose but you made the connection and nobody must ever fucking know! You know, those kinds of crimes. But not that specific one! I totally just made that one up for effect). So I could repeat myself or just link to the rant or just (and — Spoiler! — this is the choice I'm going with!) move on to page five of this comic book. Judy discovers an old diary written by The Extremist (but not Jack!). Then she finds some of the tapes he burned and salvages a few. She hears Jack speaking about murder and getting pissed on and, most appallingly, calling her "poor dull dead little Judy." She smashes the place up, finds The Extremist's gimp suit, and tries it on thinking, "What the fuck?! Maybe I'll feel sexy and start speaking in sex metaphors!" Then the phone rings. And I suppose the rest is history! And by history, I mean Issue #1! Except I'm only on page seven so maybe I'm jumping the gun. I guess we need to learn how Judy met Patrick and why she decided her life would be better by going out at night murdering people until she comes hard in a leather suit. Oh, I hope that last sentence wasn't too adult for Tumblr! A bunch of pages are taken up by the plot stuff that I apparently paid the most attention to in 1993 and which is the least interesting part of the story (so far!). Patrick "accidentally" runs into Judy and he pretends he doesn't know who killed Jack. He offers to help her find out if she'll pose as The Extremist and do murders and blow jobs for him. Judy is all, "What the hell! Maybe I'll understand Jack a little more! Maybe I'll know why he needed a boring piece of shit like me when he was having such fantastic fuck and murder adventures!" No wait. That's what I would say. Judy just wants to find out who killed Jack and to, maybe, feel a little closer to him. I don't think she's as amped up as I would be about the loads of indiscriminate sex and murdering of the most perverse perverts. The main story ends with Judy making her first kill. She learns that her problem was that she was always living in the past and the future. So even if she had wanted to kill somebody in the moment before, she'd be all tangled up in the past and whether the person deserved it and maybe some of it was her fault and perhaps she's been too hasty with her murder decision. And she'd also be lost in the future like how the person will stop existing and how she might wind up in prison and how the victim's guts are going to be hell to clean up off the floor. But in the moment, she can just satisfy the need without consequence or conscience! She discovers it's a thrill! Well, I could have told her that! I've been playing Dungeons and Dragons since I was ten! Never worry about what the orc did or if it deserved it or if it has family or if you're actually the asshole raiding its lovely home! The actual issue ends with Tony, the black guy on the stoop, sitting in The Extremist's apartment listening to Judy's tapes. He's just finished the last one where she says she's going off to kill Patrick and he's completely caught up in the drama. He wants to know who killed who just as badly as, well, not me but I'm sure some readers were on the edge of their seat at this point. The Extremist #3 Rating: B. I don't find myself caring about the framework. But Peter Milligan has thoughts and those thoughts are well worth the admission price to this story. In a way, this is just an extension of his run on Shade the Changing Man. It's almost the same story if you squint your eyes and unfocus your vision and punch yourself in the genitals. Patrick is the guy on Meta who was pulling the strings to get Shade to go into the Area of Madness and eventually Earth (I forget his name! I bet it was Patrick!) And The Extremist is Shade and Kathy too (they both have similarities to both Judy and Jack, so I don't mean to say either Shade or Kathy is essentially one or the other). The Extremist has crazy missions where they kill and fuck just like Shade and Kathy had! I think. I mean, probably! And Tony is just Lenny in someway that I haven't spent any time thinking about but they were the only characters left!

[noonmutter]

Here’s your proof that tumblr’s TOS change is, and always was, done in bad faith

Today’s episode of Tumblr Is a Shitshow is called “Sage Gets An Email.”

First of all, lemme just say I was one of the lucky ones. I saw the writing on the wall the day they announced the changes would be coming, and set out to back up my tumblr (using external tools, not tumblr’s, because it was broken and frankly I don’t trust it anyway) immediately. My tumblr’s information is all stored on my computer, safe from tumblr’s own meddling. I might lose some gifs or pictures, but if I never downloaded them before now, I probably won’t miss them later.

I had stuff flagged almost immediately after that announcement, too. I know this because I found those flagged posts, even though they said the changes wouldn’t be happening until 12/17, as did most people who went digging. I spent several days crawling manually through my dash--because the archive is worthless and didn’t show the flags easily anyway--to check for flags and submit appeals as appropriate.

I’ve got literal porn on this blog, gifs and images of people screwing. Some of it was flagged, a lot of it wasn’t while a whole bunch of completely random stuff like my cat in somebody’s lap was. We all know the algorithm is bare-bones and doesn’t know what the hell it’s doing. After a while, I stopped digging, because I was informed they’d stopped flagging things for a little while, and frankly at that point I was just exhausted of crawling through my own data, of which I’d already done several hundred pages. They also now have multiple versions of flag and it’s impossible to easily locate them or respond to them. The “we’re hiding the post from everyone including you and not even giving you a link to it” ones are my personal favorite.

Cut to this morning, three weeks later, when I open my email before work.

I have content that was flagged for being adult? Gosh, you don’t say? I’ve known about that for weeks. I fully expected to come back after the log-out protest to find my account locked down or even deleted, because yes, blogs were outright deleted after that even though Tumblr pinky-swore they wouldn’t delete anything.

Now see, what tells me in clear black-and-white (as opposed to just connecting dots) that this whole thing is in bad faith and they never actually wanted to fix anything? 

They make no attempt to tell you what content was flagged, or how to find it. This one everybody already knew, but I’m laying it out. They don’t even give me a vague idea of what they flagged, no dates or quantities. They don’t even tell me what type of post I made that violated the content. For all I know, from this email alone, I have one post amid thirty-something-thousand that is flagged as adult. Maybe I have half of my posts flagged! I don’t know, because this email doesn’t so much as give me a hint.

They give you no immediate way to respond. The email itself comes from their basic no-reply email address, not even a dedicated one for sending out these specific messages. They at least have the decency to tell you not to reply directly to that email, despite that being the most efficient way to respond. They give you embedded links to the TOS several times, but the support link only once. All of these links are inline in paragraphs, not set apart from the text for emphasis.

There is no step-by-step whatsoever. A basic logical format for addressing this would be “Here’s a link to the post in question. Check that post, and then check out community guidelines. If after rereading those guidelines you feel the post was flagged incorrectly, you can appeal it by clicking HERE [stonking great noticeable link specifically for this purpose].” Tumblr doesn’t even bother with step one, and kind of meanders around telling you the rest. ”Asking us to review the decision” is completely separated from the “Support Center” link by multiple paragraphs, and it’s written in such a way that it’s not clear that the Support Center is where you should be going in the first place.

They include a completely unnecessary sentence to chide you and excuse themselves. "While we do not judge anyone for their desire to post, engage with, or view this kind of material on other platforms, it simply no longer belongs on this platform" is not important or meaningful to the email in any way. It serves one purpose: to shake a finger in your face, and to say “not that there’s anything wrong with that, just not in my backyard.”

As of 12/23/2018 there is still no way to efficiently view which of your posts were flagged. The way to see your flagged posts is still so convoluted, unintuitive, time-consuming, and not explained anywhere that it can only suggest they didn’t ever actually expect anyone to do it, possibly that they didn’t want anyone to do it.

I personally write clearer and more concise guides on how to do any number of things at work every day. I write these for our business partners, our customers, and my coworkers. It is not hard to do better than this.

This shit is exactly why I’m not bothering to report pornbots for Tumblr anymore, I just block them from bothering me.  This is why I’m only giving new content to Pillowfort. Tumblr doesn’t care, has not cared, and will continue not to care about correctly policing itself or protecting its users.

Fuck Tumblr.

[icequeenjules26]

A drop in the ocean

Summary: Dan had been ecstatic when his manager had informed him that strictly come dancing wanted him in the next season, until he found out HE would be there.

Word Count: 12,3k

Tags: Musician!Dan, Actor!Phil, Fluff, Angst, Strictly Come Dancing AU

A/n: Written for the @phandomficfests, crossing off the prompts Dancing with the stars (Writer's choice), 2012, Pen Pals, dog, second chance, birthday, communication, Starbucks sofa, commitment, picnic and #spon! (What a list, lol) As always the biggest ever thank you goes out to my angel @succubusphan for doing everything she could so this would get done on Phannies' day!!!

Read on AO3

August 2018

 @DanIsAGod3918: This is happening oh my god

@PhilLikesMen: finally i waited forever for this

@dannyboiiiiiii: still can’t believe they worked alongside each other without ever meeting? wtf

@bisexualDan: @dannyboiiiiiii ikr but i’m so here for it

@phanwillbeathing: FUCKINGFINALLY they’ll be together and in front of cameras this is a dream come true

 Dan groaned as he scrolled through the comments on his latest instagram post. It was honestly unbelievable. How could he not have known? He couldn’t do this - he couldn’t deal with this. It had been 6 years and Dan was still hung up about it - how was that even possible?

 He didn’t want to be here, honestly, not anymore.

 He had been ecstatic at first, when his manager had informed him that strictly come dancing, UK’s very own dancing with the stars show wanted him in the next season. He was a musician, so he hadn’t even bothered to ask them - musicians at least had the rhythm it took to dance, putting them into an advantage - but they had apparently seen the making of to his newest music video.

 Which wasn’t bad, not particularly, at least - it just showed him attempting to do an easy dance routine his choreographer had designed just for him but failing miserably. He first and foremost was a pianist, with mediocre guitar skills, but even the singing part was pushing it from time to time. Dancing? Like actually, physically moving his long limbs in an attempt to look at least somewhat graceful? The word alone let laughter bubble up his chest.

 But he had tried, for the sake of his team, and if it’s that what got him into this show in the first place then he was glad he did.

Or maybe not so much, anymore.

 Not since… Him.

 He had been invited under a bit of false pretences, Dan decided - they could’ve told him they were planning to get him as well, could they not? - as he stared at the coffee table in front of him, or more specifically, his laptop, displaying an article from some sort of gossip page. Headline:

 The meeting the UK has been waiting for: Howell and Lester both starring in strictly come dancing.

 He groaned again, shutting his laptop with his foot and letting his phone drop from his hand to sling an arm over his eyes instead, sliding down his sofa until his back laid flat on it, his butt hanging from the ledge in an awkward angle, feet propped up on his coffee table. This couldn’t be happening.

 He had been good, so, so good for so long, he had momentarily forgotten what he has even good about. But, as always, life will come and fuck him over when he least expected it. He should be used to it by now.

 He had nearly done it. Nearly forgotten those piercing blue eyes. Nearly forgotten this soothing voice, the blinding smile.

 He had almost gotten over how his stomach would swoop on the sole mention of the name, how his heart would skip a beat before picking up its pace.

 This brought it all back - and not in a good way. He couldn’t do it, it wasn’t fair. It had been years and the multiple edits of them together floating through the infinite space of the internet still made him feel like his heart would get squeezed harshly inside of his chest. He had accepted it by now; he would probably never be over him. He didn’t have the right to be, either, but meeting him now… Like this… It still hurt.

 A lot.

 Like a rusty knife in his chest.

 He had managed to avoid meeting him even while working on the same movie, for fuck’s sake. He had even skipped the premiere and every other event and interview he knew he’d be present at. Now they were being forced together by a bloody dancing show, one he was excited about, sure, but not excited enough for this.

 Never for this.

 The reaction of his fandom didn’t make it any easier. He had seen the theories and shipping all over tumblr and twitter, of course, but it had been sort of inevitable, with all the stuff they had in common and the fact they were both open about their bisexuality. Now, with the movie long over, he had thought it would subside as fast as it had risen.

 It didn’t, though, and Dan had no other choice than to go through with this.

 He groaned again. Sometimes, he hated life.

 :::

 April 2004

 Dan was ecstatic when he first learned of a thing called “Pen Pals”. His Nana had explained it to him and he loved the idea of having someone, somewhere, that he had never met but could share things with nonetheless, loved the idea of writing letters back and forth, of being excited to get home from school to check the mailbox, to see if something would be in there.

 He was only ten, but he knew enough about writing letters to do it properly, he thought. He’d also get the first checked over by his Nana, that was for sure, to make sure he wouldn’t embarrass himself on the first try. He was so excited to get started, but when he took the time to go through the suggestions the teletext had for him he was gutted. Not one of the kids there seemed genuinely interesting, not enough. Some lived so close it wouldn’t be any fun to write letters, and others were just too old.

 Then he got to the last page and a large grin erupted on his face. “Phil Lester, 12, Rawtenstall. I like Sonic and crash bandicoot and i love pokemon! buffy is the best tv show ever created. I’d love to gain a friend from far away!!!” it said, and Dan knew he’d found them. The person he’d write to.

 :::

 September 2018

 So far Dan had done an incredible job at avoiding Phil. His shooting with his tall, but quirky and optimistic dancing teacher and partner Cathy went well and fast enough for him to evade Phil. He was there during the group foto, obviously, but Dan had made a point of wanting to stay on the opposite end and surprisingly, no one had caught up on it or commented on it in any kind of way. After a week of simple dancing lessons they were now about ready to start practicing for their group dance. He was running out of options.

 That was the reason he allowed himself a chill night before the first group practice. A funny netflix show was running on the TV, he had a hot cup of tea on the coffee table and Jennah had her head resting on his thigh - he was relishing in the feeling of it.

 When his phone vibrated from somewhere next to him he grumbled along with his lady. Picking it up with his left hand he brought his right one down to lazily stroke her head. “It’s okay,” he mumbled when she opened her eyes to look up at him, only paying attention to the still offensively vibrating phone when she nuzzled closer and closed her eyes again.

 “Howell,” he answered it grouchily, head sinking against the back of his sofa. “I hope this is important.”

 Apparently, life hated him.

 “Dan? It’s Louise.”

 He suppressed the urge to growl lowly in his chest, almost certain about what was to follow. “Louise,” he huffed out instead, closing his eyes and bringing his right hand up to gently massage his glabella. There was exactly one person who knew of the whole debacle Dan had had with him, and he really didn’t need to hear another lecture about it from her.

 He knew it had been his fault.

 He also knew there was no way of undoing it, even if there was nothing he wanted more than to set things right.

 Yet, she kept pushing.

 “I just got home from vacation and checked instagram.”

 Oh. That’s what this was about. She hadn’t heard it before.

 “Louise-” he started, but got interrupted almost immediately. “No! Do not Louise me, Dan! This is getting ridiculous! Why can’t you just talk to him? If not to make it right, then at least for closure. What do you think will happen, the fucking apocalypse?!” He could tell she was aggravated, gruntled. She had always wanted him to do something, to not just sit around and let it weigh heavily on his heart, and this show obviously only made it worse.

 He couldn’t hold in the growl this time. He was gritting his teeth trying to keep himself from saying something that he’d regret later, but even that was getting harder. Jennah immediately reacted to his distrust, opening her eyes and sitting up next to him before moving closer, nuzzling his shoulder. She knew how well he reacted to cuddles, and she was willing to provide them. He could only move to stroke her back in a silent thank you. “I can’t, Louise. I fucking can’t, okay?”

 He could already hear her, taking a deep breath, setting up for a monologue, but he was having none of it. “No, Louise, no. I can’t hear it anymore. You think I don’t wish for what you want me to do, every day of every fucking week? You think I like this, doing nothing, suffering in silence? Because that’s what I’ve been doing for the past six years. But as long as you haven’t miraculously invented a time machine on your vacation, there’s no way to undo this. Have you?”

 His friend on the other end stayed silent, and he could feel the tears starting to pool into his eyes. “I thought so,” he closed, his voice breaking along the way. He managed to keep it together for as long as it took him to end the call, but then he broke down, sobbing violently. His body started shaking, he didn’t know what to do, how to make it better, so he did what he always did when he needed comfort:  he threw his arms around Jennah and moved to press his face into her neck, hiding from the world.

 :::

 April 2007

 It had been two years since Dan had send his first letter to Rawtenstall near Manchester.

 Him and Phil had become fast friends and the amount of letters they were sending to each other had become ridiculous by now. Dan’s Dad had gotten mad at him for spending that much money on postal charges only a few months after the first letter and basically told him to stop being friends with Phil - or at least tone it down considerably - so they were now using his nana’s letter box so his dad wouldn’t catch him.

 Even his nana had become agitated with it after a while, so they had a deal now. Dan did chores around the house or the garden, like doing the dishes or wiping the floor, and his nana would give him postal stamps as a payment. Other kids wanted to buy candy or save the money to spend it on games, but all he wanted was to write Phil. His nana could probably make him do anything if he’d get those postal stamps in return. To him, they were worth more than diamonds.

 They had exchanged pictures of themselves and their homes, they shared their secrets with each other and knew everything there was to know about the other, and Dan reveled in it. The had even exchanged phone numbers, but they had to pay calls in minutes, so they usually didn’t call each other except for special occasions.

 Today, apparently, was such a “special occasion”.

 When Dan got out of school he didn’t even bother to go home. Instead, he walked directly to his nana, who lived right next to him. That was a normal occurrence by now - he spent most of his time here. His parents were barely home anyways and his nana was watching his little brother after school, so it didn’t even attract his parent’s attention,

 Luckily. His dad would probably not like it. Especially not the reason behind it.

 Because, obviously, Dan didn’t spend all his time at his nana’s just because he loved her so much. He did, but he was still an introvert; he loved having time for himself and not having to talk to other human beings - he did this for Phil.

 Ridiculously much he did seemed to be for Phil nowadays.

 He was waiting for a new letter that should probably arrive today or tomorrow. It usually took four or five days, sometimes six, from sending a letter to receiving one, and he had send one last wednesday. It was monday now.

 When he opened his nana’s door with his key she was already sat in the kitchen, obviously waiting for him. After greeting her he sat down his bag on a kitchen chair before taking a seat himself, snatching an apple from the fruit bowl sat in the middle of the table. “Everything okay, nana?” he asked after taking the first bite. It wasn’t usual she was waiting for him like this, she was usually up and about around the house or reading in the living room when he got home from school.

 A smirk slowly creeped onto her face as she obviously observed him closely. “A very agitated young man called around an hour ago. Said he wanted to talk to you,” she stated and he perked up immediately, eyes flying up to her face. “Phil?” he asked, almost breathlessly, and felt the heat rising through his neck all the way up to his cheeks. He cleared his throat. “I mean - Was it Phil?” He forced his voice to be calm this time, but the grin on his nana’s face had already widened and he knew she had picked up on his behaviour immediately. “It was. I told him you’d be back around now, he should be calling again in a few minutes.” She paused, raising an eyebrow mockingly. “Anything you’d like to tell me, son?”

 He could feel his cheeks heating up even more and almost desperately avoided her eyes.

He was about to start saying something, anything, when a shrill ringing interrupted him. “I’ll go,” he practically squeaked out and jumped up to run to the hallway to get the phone.

 “Phil?”, he answered it breathlessly and was rewarded with a laugh. “Dan! Take a guess who can now phone people as much as he wants without having to pay more?” greeted him an excited voice on the other line and a wide grin stretched his face in seconds. “Hm, I don’t know. Sarah Michelle Gellar?” Again there was laughter on the other side and Dan wished he’d have a way to look at the other boy’s face when he laughed. “It’s me!” was the answer and Dan could feel excitement bubbling up in his chest.

 He looked around the hallway, realizing there was nothing to sit down on while talking on the phone. Maybe they should put a chair in there somewhere. He could see himself needing it a lot in the future.

 :::::

 September 2018

 Dan’s day was not going great so far. He was exhausted, probably dehydrated and he hadn’t eaten in a few hours, but still did not have the time to catch a break. He hadn’t gotten any proper work done for months now - since he had written the music for the movie, actually - and his manager was getting nervous. Not that he could blame her, he’d promised her a line-up for his new album back in July - but that had been before Strictly come dancing had poked its head at him. He couldn’t have let this opportunity go, so he’d had to promise her he’d work while practicing for the show.

 It wasn’t working. The whole idea had been rubbish to begin with, to be honest; he’d known the show needed his whole attention and utter commitment. Stef was just ridiculously persuasive, that was the problem here.

 Still… He couldn't do it. He just couldn’t. He’d just have to talk to Stef, he decided when he let his pen drop and looked up for the first time for hours from his place on the ground in his music room, musical sheets and random pieces of lyrics scattered around him. His head was completely blank, not one idea breaking through properly.

 He wasn’t used to this. Normally he sat a pen to paper and had an almost finished song mere hours later, but now all that came out of his head was crap.

 Or a name, he realized when he got up, looking around him to get a general view of what he’d written. His name was smudged across random pages, written in large, black letters that instantly managed to catch his attention. His breath hitched. How had he not noticed he’d been doing that?

His heart hammered in his chest and tears were starting to pool in his eyes as he looked over the papers scattered across the floor. Without thinking he pulled out his phone, taking a picture and sending it to Louise. He would probably regret that later, but he didn’t even realize what he was doing in his horrified state.

 He left his music room in a hurry, closing the door behind him in panic as if he could contain the ghost of his past relationship in there, trapping it inside. How was this still getting him? How was he still basically unable to function with the thought of it, after more than six years? Why was he still unable to let go?

 Somewhere at the bottom of his heart he knew why. He knew why he couldn’t breathe at the prospect of being in the same room with him for hours - he knew what it meant that his heart was hammering in his chest every time he set foot into the studio they were practicing the group dance in.

 He knew it. Had known it the whole time.

 He was still in love with him. Six years later and the feelings he had been fighting against the whole time were still there, strong as ever.

 He knew it, but - it didn’t change anything. Not really.

 Not when he couldn’t even think his name without breaking down into tears.  

 Phil.

 :::

 April 2008

 It had been four years since Dan had written his first letter to Phil. He was fourteen now, and he spent most of his time on the internet.

 Actually, he spent the most time talking to Phil.

 Through the internet.

 He was lucky his family had still not caught up on it. He was pretty sure his nana was aware he had not just miraculously stopped talking to Phil, even though the hour long conversations in her hallway had lessened immensely; but the rest of them - especially his dad - were still in the dark about it.

 And that was honestly the only thing that was important.

 Today was a slow day so far. It was wednesday, which to him, was amazing, because it was a day he had only a few hours of school while his parents usually stayed out far longer than usual. Why, he had no idea; he just assumed it was the busiest day of their week.

 He had gotten home around an hour ago, had made himself some lunch and settled down in front of his TV to watch some mind-numbing midday show to calm himself down after school.

 Normally, he would already be talking to Phil, who usually had a slow wednesday as well, but for some reason he wasn’t picking up, neither on his skype nor on his cellphone. He wasn’t that worried yet, but he still thought it was odd. It happened from time to time that Phil wouldn’t be there that early on wednesdays, for example when his mum caught him before he could get into his room, forcing him to do stuff for her. Normally he’d at least let him know via text, so Dan was getting a little agitated by now.

 When Phil still hadn’t texted him or picked up his phone three hours after their usual skyping-time he grew increasingly worried. He seriously considered calling Phil’s landline but was a bit scared to only reach Phil’s mum - the woman didn’t seem to like him much, not that he could blame her.

 At the exact moment he was about to call, his laptop started making noises from its place next to him on his bed, indicating an incoming skype call. He accepted the call before even picking it up.

 “Phil!” he called when the video finally loaded, revealing an obviously excited Phil, eyes sparkling and hair pushed up into a messy quiff in contrast to his usual, neatly arranged fringe. “Dan!” He grinned broadly, bouncing up and down, making the video jump along with him in the process. “You won’t believe what happened!”

 Dan was unable to hide the fond smile sneaking its way onto his face. “Robert Downey Jr. joined a cult and you get to replace him in Iron Man 2?”

 He almost choked on his own spit when Phil pouted in response. He could feel warmth wandering up his neck, settling in his cheeks and knew he was probably about as red as a lobster. How could someone be so goddamn cute and handsome at the same time?

 “Sadly, no,” Phil answered before a new grin lit up his face as he clapped his hands excitedly. “But! I did just get a role!” he exclaimed, with a smile so wide Dan was surprised it didn’t split his face in half.

 “What?” he asked, almost dumbfounded, staring at his best friend as if he’d just told him the sky was green. “Are you serious?”

 “Yes! I just got home from casting, that’s why I couldn’t call earlier. I scored a role in the sixth series of Shameless!” Phil answered, excitedly bouncing up and down again, and Dan was left to do nothing but stare. The news hardly even reached his brain with the way Phil looked, excited and glowing and all focused on his screen. Focused on Dan. He secretly pressed the Print Screen key on his laptop, conserving this picture to look at it again and again and again.

 That’s when Phil’s words properly registered in his brain. “Are you serious?”, he croaked, voice raw with the emotions coursing through him. When Phil nodded he started bouncing up and down as well, completely unconsciously, beaming so brightly in the process, the muscles in his cheeks started burning almost immediately.

 “Yes! I get to act! And I’ll earn my own money!” he exclaimed, obviously still not completely able to believe it himself. Dan let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding, eyes wide as he stared into the blue eyes of his best friend - the best friend who made his heart flutter and his breathing hitch. That was normal, right? That’s what best friends were supposed to do to you?

 Deep inside, he knew they were not, but he enjoyed living in denial for just a few days longer.

 “I’m so happy for you, Phil!” he replied, happiness seeping through him from his head all the way down to his toes. “What will you do with the money?” His voice was high pitched and giddy and his best friend chuckled in response.

 “Well, there’s someone I know that’s in desperate need of train tickets for his birthday…”

 Dan’s eyes sparkled so bright for the rest of the day, even his mum caught up on it hours later.

 :::

 September 2018

 As the date for the launch show drew incredibly near so did the point where he’d finally have to talk to Phil. The amount of requests for interviews with them both together were growing ridiculous and the bbc hyped it up as much as possible. He was a professional, and he got the general idea of why the bbc reacted the way they did, but that didn’t mean he liked it.

 Not really. Not at all.

 Still, when the launch show was rolling he managed to not exchange a single word with Phil. Whenever there were cameras he was at least 20 meters away from Phil so they couldn’t force them both in frame with the little time they had backstage.

 He got on stage sometimes in the middle of the show and was interviewed. It was mostly just general questions about his life at the moment, how his new album was coming along and if there was anything planned, but he truthfully answered that right now, he was entirely committed to this show. It meant a lot to him already. He was excited to learn even more about music and to dance, and when he announced that any money he’d make during it would be donated to Young Minds the audience basically flipped. He was amazed at the reaction it caused; he hadn’t expected it.

 The questions got a bit more personal afterwards. They packed it nicely, sure, asking about any Ladies or Gentlemen in his life that could be offended with his dedication to the show, but it was still basically the question of if he was in a relationship or not.

 So he decided to have a bit of fun with that.

  “Well, there’s always Stef, my manager. Oh, and my queen, of course, she’s really not amused I’m spending so much time away from home,” he answered with a chuckle, all teasingly and with a suggestive wink, hinting at something that wasn’t there. He predicted that it would grant him protection from the bbc’s shipping attempts at least for the first few shows; it was also their own fault.

 They didn’t know “my queen” ment a five year old Shakita Inu lady named Jennah after the queen in his favorite video game. Most of his fans would obviously know or at least assume that - she was all over his Instagram after all - but even that could take a while.

 He looked around when he said it, gauging the reaction it caused in the audience. He had expected everything, really, from joy to devastation from his fans, some of who were clearly sat in the audience right now; but what he did not expect… Was Phil.

 He caught sight of his face only briefly, but he could not believe what he found there.

Phil’s face was scrunched up, hurt written all over it, and when their eyes met for just a single blink, the blue was dull and washed down, more grey than colourful. He could have sworn there were tears glistening in the corner of them, threatening to fall any moment.

 But that had to be some kind of coincidence.

 It had to.

 There was no other option.

 After the interview he somehow successfully weaseled himself out of without giving away too much information, he performed his latest single, written for the movie Phil had played the leading role in. He could feel Phil’s eyes on him the whole time he played, the look burning on his skin like melted caramel, sweet and hurtful at the same time. His fingers prickled with the knowledge that those eyes were finally looking at him again, playing a song that was obviously based on their relationship.

 Not that any song that Dan had written had not been somehow based on that.

 For a brief moment, Dan wondered if Phil had realized, if he still cared. Cared that his career was basically solely based on the things Phil had told him when they were younger. Did he even realize how big his impact on Dan’s life had been? Or did he still believe the things Dan had told him six years ago to push him away?

 He didn’t know. He only knew that it hurt.

 A lot.

 When the last, sorrowful notes of the song thrummed through his fingers and his throat as he pressed the keys and sang the words, his mind provided him with the fact that their anniversary was only a few weeks away and he couldn’t stop a single tear from making its way down his cheek. His heart was throbbing forcefully in his chest and his breathing hitched the exact moment the last note had rung out. He just hoped no camera had caught that.

 Knowing his luck, they’d have it on closeup.

 ::::

 October 2009

 Dan didn’t know why, but this time things seemed to be different when he arrived at Manchester Train station. Phil seemed agitated, almost nervous when he greeted him, fiddling with his jacket and adjusting his fringe whenever his hands weren’t otherwise occupied. Dan wasn’t sure what to make of that, but decided to let it slide without much comment. He was sure whatever it was Phil would tell him as soon as he was ready. They knew each other for longer than 5 years at this point, Phil knew he could talk to him about everything.

 Instead of taking the bus back to Rawtenstall Phil lead him on a journey through Manchester. They visited sights Dan had never payed attention to and afterwards they went to get a coffee at Starbucks, sitting together closely in the booth they always occupied when they were there; so closely their whole sides were touching. Dan’s right hand laid on the table as they talked, occasionally sipping on their caramel lattes, and he itched to take Phil’s left one into his, placed just a few centimeters apart. Did Phil realize he had his palm up, basically inviting Dan to take it, or was it just coincidence?

 They continued their journey when they were both done with their coffees, talking and laughing as usual, yet, something seemed different. When they walked, their hands would brush together, and Dan could have sworn Phil’s fingertips were outstretched towards the back of his hand.

 He knew it was probably nothing more than wishful thinking, but a guy could dream, right?

 Phil still was straight up on edge when they arrived at their destination, which Dan quickly identified as the Manchester eye. Why they were there, he had no idea, but he liked it. He had been living close to London his whole life, yet never had had come around to take a ride on the London Eye.

 “Did you do it on purpose?” he asked gently when they got into the cabin, both sat on the same bench, pressed up together. “Do you remember?” The view got better and better the higher they went, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Phil, whose blue eyes shone brightly in the light of the setting sun.

 “Of course I remember,” Phil answered softly, eyes completely trained on Dan, “You always wanted to visit the London Eye, so I figured this is the next best thing.”

 Dan couldn’t keep the eye contact any longer, so he turned his head, looking out the other side. He could feel tears rising, that’s how overwhelmed he was with the whole gesture, but he blinked them away. “This is better,” he murmured, voice barely above a whisper.

 Then there was a hand on his cheek, gently taking a hold of his chin, turning him around until his sight was back on Phil. All the previous tension and nervousness seemed to have left his body. His movements now were confident and certain, determination shining in his eyes as they gazed into Dan’s. “Everything's better with you,” Phil whispered and Dan breathing hitched, his whole body shuddering with anticipation.

 When they finally kissed Dan realized it had been inevitable from the start. Phil’s lips felt warm, velvety, right against his own and it was like the world finally set into place. Like everything had been unsure and wavering all his life, turning and spinning around him, leaving Dan unable to ever find his footing, but now it had clicked into place and everything stood still for the first time in his life.

 After the kiss ended Phil didn’t let go of Dan. Instead he sat his hand on his cheek and pressed their foreheads together, his bright, blue eyes gazing into Dan’s as if he was the only one that would ever matter. “I like you, Dan,” he whispered, voice almost inaudible. “I really, really like you.”

 Dan’s heart stopped for a few seconds, his breath caught in his throat and he felt like the world around them had come to a crashing halt, like time had stopped for everyone but them. Was this really happening? Or was it just one of the dreams that would keep him on edge for hours afterwards, knowing it would never come true?

 He had hoped, wished for this for so long; had prayed to a god he didn’t even believe in - yet Phil had never made the first move. They had felt like a real possibility from the first time they met over a year ago on Dan’s 15th birthday, when Phil had stumbled over his words when they had hugged and his cheeks had burned crimson red. Dan would never forget that day; the day he had realized that he wanted them to end up together against all odds.

 Then his neck started burning from the way it was bend and he realized - this was real.

 It was raw, it wasn’t perfect, but it was real, and Dan could feel tears rising into his eyes. “I really, really like you too, Phil,” he answered and then Phil leaned in to kiss him again, a sob of relief breaking from his throat.

 And for that one, single moment Dan felt like they could defeat everything that would ever stand in their way.

 :::::

 October 2018

 Their anniversary had always been particularly hard on Dan. Normally he’d spent the day curled up on his couch with Jennah, eating a ridiculous amount of chocolate and drinking too much alcohol, Louise on the phone or somewhere in his flat, keeping him from doing things he would regret later on - like calling his dad; he’d done that one year, hadn’t ended well. Not really.

 This year, Dan wouldn’t be able to do that. This year, he’d even have to meet Phil at some point of the day for rehearsal, probably for longer than he’d be able to endure.

 Because that’s what he was doing, Dan realized as he checked into his hotel room, enduring Phil’s presence. It was still torture to even be in the same room as him, let alone talk to him. What would happen when Phil finally got tired of ignoring him; when his selferestrain would finally break and he’d unload six years of pent up aggression towards him?

 Dan would crack at the first word, turn around and run, public appearance be damned.

 He was just hoping it wouldn’t happen during a live broadcast.

 This week Dan had decided to screw the hotel’s room policy and bring Jennah with him. He needed her today, more than ever, he wouldn’t survive the day without her - especially not the night, when he’d have gotten back from rehearsal - after seeing Phil. Fortunately, he didn’t even get one single negative comment when he lead the lady dog into the hotel, suitcase in tow. The pretty, courteous dog got nothing but positive comments from the staff, especially when they realized how well-trained she was, following his commands immediately even when he accidentally dropped her leash. She was wary towards strangers, still hadn’t even completely accepted Louise as his friend, but she trusted him with a burning passion that overshadowed everything else.

 They finally made it up to their room and Dan didn’t feel energized enough to do anything else but flop down on the bed. Jennah, who knew she was not allowed to climb onto the bed without an explicit invitation, whined softly at him, and he didn’t have it in him to deny her request. She was incredibly sensitive of his emotions and sensed that he needed comfort, but was unable to provide it due to the distance Dan had put between them.

 He softly patted the space next to him and she jumped up immediately, laying down cuddled into his side, head gently resting on his shoulder. He drapped his arm around her, stroking her soft fur. She continued to make quiet whimper like noises, but they were less needy now, more content.

 The tears started rising without his consent. He didn’t even know what caused them, he just knew that suddenly, they were there, threatening to fall; and then there was a sob escaping his throat, the dam broke and the tears started flowing freely. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

 A few more hours and it had been nine years on the dot. Exactly nine years since Phil had made the first step, kissing him on the Manchester eye.

 Dan wanted nothing more than to kiss him again, like he had been able to until this faithful day six years ago, to kiss him and hug him and love him - but he couldn’t, and it was ripping him apart from the inside out.

 It wasn’t fair. He was aware he hadn’t always been the best person, was aware he’d made mistakes, but didn’t everyone? What was it that entitled him specifically for this sorrow, this heartbreak; a pain you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemies?

 When it was time to head over to the studio for the final rehearsal he was barely able to let go of Jennah. He knew he couldn’t bring her with him, but that didn’t make it any easier to leave her soft fur and gentle comfort behind.

 He managed to though, eventually, tears dried and the puffiness of his eyes immensely decreased after crying for what felt like hours.

 Maybe it had been hours. Or maybe he’d stopped crying halfway through and had just laid there, cuddling Jennah and staring off into space, into nothingness, into a time where he and Phil had been together and so happy Dan had thought he might just burst any second.

 Before his world had been ripped into shreds.

 Arriving at the studio he discovered that life definitely hated him. He and Phil had never really met on camera and he’d managed to avoid him during the aftershow and even the daily talk show, but now he saw this week’s order of dancHe didn’t have it in him to say much more, his heart was itching to tell the truth and he knew he couldn’t trust himself much longer.ers and he wanted to barf or cry or die on the spot.

 It was just his luck that put him on seventh spot with Phil in eighth - the exact time they had kissed, half past seven - which meant that despite his best efforts he would definitely meet Phil today.

 Out of all the shows, why did it have to be today? Wasn’t it enough he was already laying on the ground, broken beyond repair? No, life had to send someone after him to squash him, again and again and again until he would be unable to ever get up again.

 While waiting for their turn Cathy, his dance partner, managed to keep his mind off of things. They talked and laughed and when she asked him about how his queen was doing he gladly took out his phone, showing her a few of the array of pictures he had taken on their walk last night. Her eyes started sparkling immediately. “She’s so beautiful. And she’s completely fixed on you, Dan, like you’re her everything, it’s so cute,” she gushed and Dan blushed.

 Something crashed then and he looked up, only barely catching sight of a distraught looking Phil scurrying away in a hurry.

 Surprisingly, his rehearsal went okay. He was a bit more nervous and jumpier than usual, but he was a professional, so he was able to act it off quite successfully.

 When he was done with it, though, and turned to get backstage, that’s when it all went to hell.

 Cathy had gone on ahead without him, claiming to desperately need water, so there was no one else around when he met Phil on the way. He was trying to get past him as fast as possible, but due to the passage backstage being so small there he had to brush Phil - that’s when he felt long, slender fingers reaching for him, closing around his wrist. For a moment, their eyes met and the blue was so vengeful, so cold Dan was left standing in a snowstorm.

 He stopped dead in his track, eyes wide open, staring ahead, trying to not look at Phil, to not give him any more openings.

 Because this was it, Dan thought; this was the moment his carefully mended heart would get smashed into pieces all over again.

 Phil moved his face next to Dan, so close he could feel Phil’s breath on his skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. “I hope she’s good enough for you,” he hissed into Dan’s ear, voice so cold it froze the remaining pieces of Dan’s heart. They clinked a melody as they burst, a melody sounding dangerously like the song Dan had written for the movie, the song Dan had written solely for the purpose of reaching Phil.

 He didn’t even know how he got away. Maybe he hadn’t, maybe Phil had just moved past him and let him stand there, desperately clinging to the remaining shards of his heart. They seared him as he tried to hold on to them, but he didn’t even feel it anymore. The pain was gone, all that was left was a numbness that could’ve, should’ve scared him.

 The next thing he knew he was sitting on a sofa in one of the resting rooms backstage, a bottle of water in his hands. He could hear people walking by in the hallway, but he was completely alone, which he was more than glad for. Streaks of tears were running down his cheeks as he sobbed quietly, and all he wanted to do was to get to Jennah, to press his face into her soft fur and accepting the knowledge that yes, he would never be okay again, but it didn’t matter as long is this amazing creature loved him.

 The opening of a door tore him out of his thoughts and he stood up reflexively. He had hoped that maybe, it was Cathy checking in on him or one of the crew members informing him that he could go back to the hotel now, but no.

 No. It was Phil.

 Of course it was.

 He looked horrible. His form was hunched over, as if he barely had the strength to hold himself up anymore and his eyes were red and swollen with tears running down his cheeks.

 Dan took an unconscious step forwards, moving to comfort Phil, until he realized that he had lost all privilege to do so years ago.

 How was he still not used to that, he wondered briefly when Phil finally raised his head and their eyes met.

 “You know,” he started, voice hoarse and barely above a whisper, “I want to forgive you. I want to forgive you so that -” His voice broke and he took a deep breath - or maybe it was a sob. Dan couldn’t be sure.  “So that I can stop.” He got louder, more confident and Dan wanted to say something, anything, but he was frozen, unable to move or even breathe.

 “Stop thinking of what you did to me… Stop thinking of you,” he continued and fresh tears sprang into Dan’s eyes, a pain in his chest, so soaring he was sure it would consume him any moment.

 “Forgive you, so that I never have to think of you ever again… Because I refuse to.” Phil’s voice broke again as a sob rattled him, new tears spilling from his eyes and he looked so broken Dan’s heart was pierced by a million spears all at once.

 Just for a second it was quiet, complete silence engulfing them aside from the distinct chatter coming from somewhere down the hallway. Not that Dan even registered it as they continued to stare into each others eyes, a pain soaring through his body like howling flames, burning their way through his veins, leaving behind nothing but destruction.

“But I can’t.” Phil sobbed again and finally looked away, down to the ground before he lifted his gaze again, staring dead into Dan’s eyes. “I want to, so, so desperately, but I can’t.”

 He didn’t even wait for Dan to react, not for the hurried “Phil, wait!” Dan finally managed to throw after him, only released from the spell that had kept him rooted to the spot when they broke eye contact, nor for the sob that fought its way up his throat. He just turned around and left Dan to break down on his own.

 :::

 June 2012

 Dan’s nineteenth birthday was the most beautiful one he’d ever had.

 Firstly, he was in a generally good place in life. He had finally started pursuing music as a real career option after Phil had practically begged him to for years and had gotten his first contract a few weeks ago. His parents were surprisingly okay with it - or at least his mum was - and his nana was the most encouraging he’d ever seen her.

 Secondly, Phil was the most amazing boyfriend he ever could’ve asked for. He was supporting Dan’s every decision, he was thoughtful and attentive and, quite frankly, hot as fuck. He always took Dan’s opinions into account when he made decisions and was considerate of whatever problems Dan had - which were, mostly, about the fact that Dan’s parents still didn’t know of either the fact that he was still in contact with Phil, nor about Dan’s sexuality - let alone his relationship to Phil. It didn’t make things easy, but now that Phil earned a lot of money he sponsored Dan a train ticket every other weekend - at least when he wasn’t away for whatever acting role he was doing at the time. It was a system that worked for them, and Dan didn’t care about anything else.

 And thirdly, his amazing boyfriend had managed to get some time off from filming so they could spend a few precious days together over his birthday.

 Spending time together got increasingly difficult with Phil’s rising popularity, but they spent a week all alone in the cottage that Phil’s parents owned, a cottage on top of a cliff on the isle of man. They went on a picnic on the beach almost every day, and it was during one of those on monday, his actual birthday, when Phil gifted him with a key to his new flat in London and a speech soaked with the love he felt for him.

 Dan had never felt more like flying than he did in this moment.

 Unfortunately, that only made his fall even harder.

 When he got home on thursday the atmosphere at home seemed weird from the very first moment he stepped through the door. He was well rested and had been in a bliss-like state the whole week, but now he got anxious when he climbed the stairs to his bedroom, suitcase in tow.

 His suspicions got verified when he pushed the doors to his bedroom open and revealed his little brother, hunched over on the edge of his bed, clutching a pillow to his belly and sobbing loudly.

 Dan closed the door behind him and hurdled over to his little brother. “Adrian!” he murmured apprehensively, moving to sling an arm around the boy’s shoulders. “My god, what’s wrong?”

 “I-i’m s-so sorry, D-Dan,” he squeezed out in between sobs. Dan tried to comfort him, gently murmuring encouraging nonsense, until Adrian had calmed down a bit, at least enough to form semi-coherent sentences. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, I swear, I was just looking at the pictures and dad came in and-”

 Dan’s blood froze in his veins, his heart stopped and the hand on his brother’s arm clenched involuntarily. “What did he see,” he clenched out between gritted teeth, missing the questioning tone but Adrian answered him anyway. “One of the picture of you and Phil kissing. I’m so sorry.”

 Dan didn’t even hear him anymore. He felt like the world had been pulled out from under his feet and he was falling, tumbling down an endless cliff he had no idea how to get out of.

 His dad choose this exact moment to storm into the room, looking about ready to murder his innocent child. “We need to talk, Dan,” he said in a monotone voice, but his eyes were so aggressive Dan wanted nothing else but to curl up into a ball and hide. It’s fine, he wanted to make himself believe, you can just go and live with Phil if he throws you out.

 But it went worse than he had feared.

 It turned out his father didn’t want him out of the house, now that he was on his way to success in the music industry, and he had his way of forcing him to stay. Instead of screaming at him, threatening him to throw him out, he blackmailed Dan.

 He still screamed, a lot, about what a disgrace he was and why, out of all the males in this country, it had to be this one. Dan strongly assumed it wouldn’t have made any difference if it would’ve been Prince Harry or whatever other male member of the royal family, but he kept his mouth shut.

 He briefly toyed with the idea to jump in to defend Phil, to tell his father that he was a successful actor and an amazing person, but he didn’t give him the chance to say anything.

 “I want him out of your life. You are going to cut every and all ties to that filth and will not contact him again in any kind of way. That clear?” His father’s voice had gone from screaming to hissing and the volume had gone down considerably, but his eyes stayed the same, fixing Dan in a gaze harder than steel. He took a deep breath. That was it. That was him standing up to his father for the first time in his life.

 “Why?” he asked, eyes set dead on him, “Why would I do that? I love him, Dad. I’ll stay with him, no matter what you say. I don’t care what you’ll do to me.” He was proud his voice didn’t break or falter in the slightest, and for a moment he thought that he’d done it, that he’d won.

 Then a smirk creeped onto his father’s face and he knew something was about to go terribly wrong.

 “You might not care about yourself”, his father said, voice cheerful like he knew he was about to ruin Dan’s life, and he liked it. “But don’t you care about your boyfriend?” Dan hadn’t been aware that the term boyfriend could sound like a slur, but suddenly it did. “I have acquired some pictures the public might find incredibly interesting…”

 Dan hadn’t noticed it before, but his father had Dan’s old laptop open on the table in front of him; the very laptop he had given his little brother because he had gotten himself a new one from his first self-earned money.

 Dan already knew what he would see there when his father turned it around. He had transferred, but forgotten to delete all the pictures he had saved on there, including a variety of ones of Phil and him, cuddling, kissing - happy. Maybe he hadn’t even particularly cared to delete them, considering Adrian was aware of Dan’s relationship, had been for a long time. He had been happy for him and the warmth Dan had always felt at the prospect had frozen to solid ice now.

 Tears started prickling in his eyes and it took all his willpower to suppress the sob that was threatening to rip from his throat. He knew what his father was suggesting. He was obviously waiting for Dan to make a choice - but they both knew there was no choice to make.

 The crushing realization that he would give into his father’s blackmail made his heart shatter into a million pieces, but there was nothing he could do about it. The public had become much more open about those topics, but they both knew a sexuality scandal would be enough to destroy Phil’s entire career.

 They also both knew Dan couldn’t do that to Phil - not even risk it. His father had his resources, and when he wanted to know of every interaction between Dan and Phil, then he would.

 So Dan had to end it. For good.

 He was given the chance of one last skype call to break up with Phil. He knew he wasn’t the best actor and that Phil would be able to tell he’d been crying and how incredibly crushed he was, so he had to make sure that Phil wouldn’t realize, make him preoccupied with himself.

 He had to play into Phil’s insecurities. He hated himself for it, but it needed to be done; even if it tore him apart in the process.

 Phil greeted him in his usual, cheerful voice when the call connected and Dan could already feel the tears starting to rise, a sob threatening to escape his throat. There was a weight on his chest, so heavy he didn’t know how he was able to stay in an upright position. He carefully plastered an indifferent mask onto his face while his mind went back in time to keep the tears at bay; back to his birthday, back when he’d been so happy he hadn’t even known what to do with all the happiness.

 He cut right to the case, unable to put off the evil any longer.

 “Phil.. I can’t do this any longer. I have tried, but… I can’t. You’re just…” His throat constricted and he almost had to gag. He had never said words more untrue in his entire life. “You’re not good enough for me.”

 He couldn’t look Phil in the eyes as he said it. He didn’t want to see the pain, the sorrow; didn’t want to hear the sobs and the pleeds. He wanted away. Far, far away; to a place where he and Phil could be happy… Could be together.

 He felt like a monster.

 Would feel like one for a long time.

  “But I love you!” Phil pleaded. Dan’s heart constricted in his chest. His palms were probably ripped open with the force he pressed his nails into them, trying to keep himself from breaking.

 He didn’t have it in him to say much more, his heart was itching to tell the truth and he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his facade much longer. He couldn’t help but let a tiny, incredibly quiet “I’m sorry, I love you” slip out, but it was drowned out by Phil’s cries.

 Louder, he said “We’re done. Don’t contact me ever again,” ended the call and forced himself to block Phil on any and all social media.

 Only then did he allow himself to break down.

 He knocked the glass from his bedside table as he started wailing, crumbling apart; and he watched it fall to the ground and shatter into a million pieces…

 Just like his heart.

 ::::

 October 2018

 Dan didn’t know how he made it back to his hotel room. He only knew Jennah was already waiting for him by the door as he stumbled inside, whining when she saw his state. She was by his side immediately, whimpering as she pressed her head to his thigh.

 He didn’t even make it to the bed. Instead, he sunk to the ground right there, back pressed against the door. Jennah didn’t waste any time to cuddle into his side nuzzling his shoulder. He raised his hand to stroke her ears and she rewarded him with a soft whimper, nearly drowning the sound of his sobs.

 He couldn't do this any longer. He had endured the pain for six years but now It felt like he had reached his breaking point. he couldn't do it one single second longer. He was at his breaking point.

 He skurried a bit to fumble out the phone hidden in the front pocket of his black skinny jeans. Jennah continued to provide comfort, and he appreciated it more than anything else, but he needed more. He needed his best friend.

 He had to discover that the reception in the hotel was more than bad, though, so he had no other choice but to drag himself across the room to the balcony. He slumped down again when he was outside, sliding down with his back pressed against the glass. It was the middle of October and only around six pm, but it was almost completely dark outside already. He could see the stars from where he sat and briefly wished he would be up there, somewhere far, far away, where the way his heart had been crushed meant nothing anymore.

 He was aware there was no such place, no matter how far away. But for a moment, he let himself dream.

 Until Jennah’s wet snout nuzzled into his hands.

She was back at his side again, a chocolate bar held carefully in her snout, and he wanted to cry again, out of love for this wonderful creature. “Thank you. I love you so much,” he whispered and ruffled the fur between her ears affectionately, taking the chocolate and ripping the wrapping open to take a bite. It was a bit inconvenient with one hand, considering he still held his phone in the other, but -

 Wait. Phone, balcony…

 Right. Louise.

 He dialed her number as he swallowed the first bite of chocolate.

 She picked up on the first ring. “Dan. How are you doing?” she asked, gently and caring, and suddenly there was warmth spreading through his chest. “I’m okay,” he tried, but his voice was croaky and hollow and he didn’t even believe himself.

 “Oh, honey. What happened?” Of course she wasn’t fooled. He shouldn’t even have tried.

 “I.. He… He talked to me.” He cuddled into Jennah for the extra comfort as he talked, who sat pressed into his side, a bastion of calm in the middle of the storm that was his pain.

 That’s how he told Louise everything that had happened. How they had passed each other in the entry to the stage. How Phil had come back to talk to him, what he had said, how broken he had looked. He started crying somewhere halfway through the story and there was some kind of rustling on the balcony beside his, indicating there was someone there, but he didn’t care.

 “Oh, Dan,” she whispered when he was done, and he could almost feel her embrace. He was so accustomed to her present, especially on this particular day, and it was strange to not have her there with him. He sobbed again. “It’s just,” he croaked, new tears spilling from his eyes, “In the end he’s right. It’s my fault. What happened is my fault and I just -” He halted, unsure of how to continue. “How could I do this to him?”

  “It’s not your fault, Dan,” Louise remarked, voice still soft, obviously scared to make his breakdown even worse by unsettling him.

 In the end, maybe it was that what unsettled him the most. The carefulness, the way she treated him like he was a small child or a wild animal, like he could get spooked and run away every second. “But it was!” he cried, louder now, and Jennah next to him howled lowly. “There has to be something I could have done differently! I could’ve tried fighting my dad, or try to make him see reason! Or at least something to make Phil understand I did it just to save him and his career!”

 It was silent for a while before he continued, and he knew she kept quiet just to let him get it out. “I was just so scared. I loved… Love him so much, Louise. Everything I did was just for him.” There was a broken sob from somewhere to his right and he froze immediately. For a second he thought it had been him, choking out a sob unintentionally, but Jennah’s head was turned over to the right too, staring intensely into the darkness. Again, there was rustling on the balcony there, a sound like a door sliding closed. His lady dog growled lowly for a second, but then complete silent engulfed them both, aside from the voice of Louise in his ear, murmuring soothing words.

 He was starting to think he’d imagined it all when there was a harsh knock on his door. He sat there, frozen, head turned to look through the glass pane, across his room to where the sound came from. He sat completely still, a hand laid on top of Jennah’s head tentatively to keep her quiet. A few seconds the knock came back, louder this time, more insistent. “Dan, open the door!” a voice shouted from the outside and his breathing itched. That had almost sounded like…

 “Phil?!” he questioned quietly, talking to himself, which made Louise quiet down on the other end of his still going phone call. “Louise I think… I think Phil is at my door,” he whispered into the device, unsure of how to proceed. “What are you doing still on the phone then?! Go talk to him!” she insisted in a high-pitched voice and had hung up on him before he could even react.

 “Dan! I know you’re there! Open the goddamn door!” the voice shouted again and there was more knocking. For a second he looked between his phone and the door, unsure of what to do, but then he got up and made his way inside of the room. Jennah followed him cautiously, but he stopped by the bed. “Can you stay here for me, love?” he asked her, pointing to the ground she stood on, and she sat down reluctantly, throwing him a look that was clearly not amused and slightly worried. “I’ll be fine,” he whispered and moved forward. He turned on the soft light on the headboard of the bed through the switch by the door before he opened.

 In front of it stood Phil, hair ruffled, cheeks reddened, if from the shouting or the obvious tears, Dan couldn’t be sure. He marched into the room, brushing past Dan as if he hadn’t even seen him, but stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted the dog still patiently sitting next to the bed.

 It was silent for a while after Dan had shut the door. Phil stared at his dog as she stared right back, silently estimating each other, and Dan stood slightly to the side, gaze switching between them like he was watching a tennis match.

 “Come here, girl. It’s okay,” he said after a while in the direction of his dog, who stood up silently and made her way over to them. She let Dan stroke her fur before she bravely marched forward, right up to Phil. Dan held his breath as he watched her generously accepting Phil’s outstretched hand, letting him pet her.

 “Phil, meet Jennah,” he introduced them, and Phil, who had crouched down to be on eyelevel with his dog, stopped dead in his track, head wiping up to meet Dan’s gaze for the first time since he marched through the door. His eyes were blue, so blue in the soft light and Dan’s heart constricted in his chest. He felt like drowning.

 “Jennah?” Phil whispered questioningly, eyes wide, still stroking the dog’s fur, “as in… Queen Jennah?”

 He whipped his head around, looking between Dan and his dog as he obviously made the connection. “She’s not a girl,” he stated, louder this time, “When you said your Queen you… You meant your dog?”

 Dan just nodded. He didn’t trust his voice in this moment. The weight of the situation came crashing down on him, and he felt himself swaying a bit. He moved over to the couch in the corner of the room, sinking down on it, closely followed by Phil and Jennah.

 “I thought…” Phil murmured to himself as he sat down quite close to Dan, not quite touching, but it was a close call. “You thought I was talking about my girlfriend,” Dan stated in a matter-of-fact tone as he pulled his legs up to his body, leaning against the backrest of the couch. Jennah sat right in front of it, her head cramped on the couch in the small space between his and Phil’s leg.

 “Yes,” Phil answered breathlessly, absently stroking Jennah’s fur, staring at her like he couldn’t quite believe she was real. “She likes you,” Dan declared fondly, full of affection, “She doesn’t even let Louise that close. And she usually sits her when I’m gone.”

 “Is that who you were talking to?” Phil asked softly, turning his head over to Dan now, who tensed up immediately at the question. This was it, then. They would talk about this, right now.

 His heart was beating wildly in his chest and a light feeling bubbled up in the pit of his stomach, a feeling he couldn’t quite place… Not until he recognized it as something that he had deemed impossible for a long time now. Was that... Hope?

 “Yeah,” he answered, and his voice was deep and husky and nearly broke halfway through this one single word. He was so nervous he couldn’t even hope to control his breathing and had to wrap his arms around his legs to keep his hands from shaking.

 “How much did you hear?” he whispered, stoically staring ahead, avoiding Phil’s eyes. “Pretty much everything, I think,” Phil answered and Dan’s heart almost leaped out of his chest. Oh god, what was he supposed to do?

 He started chewing on his lower lip as he took a deep, but quivering breath. “What happened back then, Dan?” Phil asked softly, body completely shifted into Dan’s direction now, one leg folded under the other to allow him to sit sideways. He was still stroking Jennah’s fur absently with one hand and the lady dog savoured it with closed eyes. Traitor.

 For a second, Dan didn’t know how to breathe. He shot a quick glance over to Phil, to his eyes, and he wasn’t sure if the look in them made it easier or harder to say what he had to say. There was something in there… Something speaking of feelings Dan had contemplated as long-lost. He shuddered.

 “I was… So happy with you that week, Phil,” Dan whispered, tears nearly choking him as they silently started rising into his eyes again. Where he even took them from anymore, he couldn’t be sure. “But when I came home I…” His throat constricted heavily and he had to suppress a retch. “My little brother sat on my bed, crying. Telling me he was sorry and that it was an accident.” His voice was unbelievably quiet now and completely breathless, and he felt Phil leaning in closer to understand what he was saying. “I had given him my old laptop before we went to the isle of man, do you remember?”

 He took the courage to look over to Phil again, who nodded. “You were so proud you made money with your music,” Phil reminisced tentatively, matching his volume to Dan’s, “So you went and bought yourself a new laptop from it.” He chuckled lowly. “You were so excited, said you’d finally be able to see me when we skyped.”

 Dan nodded back and had to close his eyes for a moment to keep the tears at bay. “I had forgotten to delete the old pictures still on there. Or maybe I just didn’t do it, I can’t even remember. Adrian knew and I didn’t-” A choking sound escaped his throat before he was able to continue. “I didn’t think it would matter,” he closed breathlessly, so quiet the blood pounding in his ears drowned out his own voice.

 It was at this moment Phil obviously made the connection. He shot up from his hunched-over sitting and stared at Dan, wide-eyed. “Your father saw the pictures?” he asked and Dan could see the shock in his eyes.

 “He barged in on Adrian as he looked through them,” Dan confirmed, his voice back to a slightly louder volume. He shook his head. “He was so shocked, Phil. Full of guilt.”

 Phil sucked in a sharp breath. “What did your father do?”, he asked, tears clogging up his throat on their way up. Dan could feel his eyes on him as he moved to burrow his face against his knees. “Oh god, Dan, what did he do?” There was a panic in his voice now and Dan failed to keep the next sob from breaking out.

 He raised his head, tears stinging in his eyes as he looked over to Phil. “He blackmailed me, Phil. My own father. He told me... “ His voice broke and Jennah whimpered from her place on the ground, sensing his pain. “He told me he’d out you in public if I wouldn’t cut all ties to you.” He was full-on crying now and before he knew it, Phil was suddenly there, taking him into his arms, gently stroking his back. Jennah nuzzled his thigh and he moved one hand to gently caress her head.

 “I’m so, so sorry Phil,” he squeezed out in between sobs, burying his head in the crock of Phil’s neck. “I was so scared he would destroy your career. He would have found out when I would have tried talking to you in secret and I just... I couldn’t let him do that to you. I loved you so much.”

 For some time he just sat there, crying as Phil held him in his arms, mumbling soothing words and gently rubbing his back.

 It was Phil who eventually broke the silence, long after his cries and broken sobs had rung out. “Out there on the balcony, when you talked to Louise, you said…” He let his voice fade out and Dan could feel him swallowing heavily. “You corrected yourself. You said…”

 Dan knew what he wanted to say. “I said I still love you.”

 He felt Phil nodding, felt his hand tremble as it rubbed circles into his back. He uprighted himself, staring straight into Phil’s blue eyes.

 I was now or never.

 “It’s true, Phil,” he whispered, voice hoarse as he stared. “I love you. I never stopped. It’s been six years and I just...” He let his head hanging down, closing his eyes. “I could never forget you. You were always there. I couldn’t even watch you on TV without breaking into tears because of how much I missed you.”

 Suddenly, there was a hand on his cheek and he opened his eyes, wordlessly staring into Phil’s. The blue was shining brightly and there was a smile on his face, so wide Dan was sure it hurt. “I love you too, Dan,” he said, his voice full of joy and happiness - and love. “I love you too, oh my god, I never stopped. I wanted to, so badly, but I couldn’t.”

 There was a moment of silent communication, of Phil asking for permission and Dan granting it, and then they moved forward in utter synchronicity until their lips met in the middle in a kiss so sweet it would put every candyfloss to shame. Somewhere in the room the needle of the wall clock ticked half past seven.

 When they broke the kiss to come up for air it was quiet for a moment as they looked into each other’s eyes, and then they were crying; crying and laughing and reveling in happiness, Jennah cheerfully barking back at them.

 “Can you… Will you give us a second chance?” Dan asked when they both had calmed down considerably, holding Phil’s hands in his, thumbs moving over the smooth skin on their backs; still unbelieving of the fact that he was allowed to feel it again.

 There were tears in his eyes as Phil looked at Dan, silently, and then he was laughing as the tears started falling. “Of course. Of course, Dan, of course. I would like nothing more than to be with you again.”

 This time, the kiss was a bit less sweet, a bit more heated, and it lasted a lot longer - at least until Jennah, obviously dissatisfied of being left out, was suddenly there, running her tongue across both of their faces.

 “Jennah!”, they both screeched in unison, laughing at the Shiba and Akita Inu Mix, who had her forelegs on the sofa to reach their faces, her tail energetically wagging around as she whoof-ed at them happily.

 They all slept in Dan’s bed that night, closely cuddled together, Dan with his head on Phil’s chest with Jennah somewhere in between.

 Four weeks later when, in the middle of a show, Dan heard about the fact that both him and Phil had been nominated for the german filmfest Berlinale, indicating that they were strong contestants for the upcoming Oscar-Nominations, he didn’t even hesitate. He ran right on stage after Phil’s dance, catching him in a bone-crushing hug. He told Phil what he had heard, tears of happiness in his eyes. Again, there was some sort of silent communication and then Phil was kissing Dan, right in the middle of the dance floor, in front of millions of viewers.

 They didn’t care they all knew - all that mattered was the happiness radiating between them.

[leviathanpotato]

She’s not your type - Young!Remus Lupin x oc

Part 2. 

Tag for @imalostredheadinablondeworld

Potential link to part 1 here. I’ve never done a link before so this might not work.

Young Remus Lupin imagine kind of based off ‘You belong with me’  by Taylor Swift. I think i can actually condense this into 4 or 5 parts rather than 6 or 7.

Thanks again to @tooinlovewithfictionalpeople for encouraging me to post this. This is my first Tumblr Fanfic.

Slight language warning

The nightmare lasted three weeks.

In the beginning, each morning Sadie would come down to breakfast to the same scene. James would be snuggling up to Lily as she stared blankly forwards. Sirius would be lounging dramatically as he gossiped to James. Peter would be doing last minute homework as he nibbled on his toast. Then there would be Remus, huddled with his hot chocolate as Harriet jabbered on about herself on his lap.

She used to run right up to them and join them for some last minute toast (she had a habit of getting up five minutes before breakfast ended) but since Remus started going out with her, she slowly began to edge away from them. Harriet’s gang of followers had started to fill the empty space, giving her an even bigger reason to leave. None of them seemed to notice her withdrawing. Each of the five was always preoccupied with something else.

Eventually, she got up well before they did and ate with the Hufflepuffs, finishing her food with enough time to run back to her dorm and avoid them entirely. She attempted to make up for lost time by chatting to them more often in class. Even then, Harriet would still be there to ruin it. A typical conversation would go somewhere along these lines:

She would approach Remus, awkwardly playing with her robes. “Hey Remus, how are you?”

Remus would up and smile softly. “Hi, Sadie. I’m fine thanks.” He would then run his hands with his hair.

She would giggle, mentally cursing herself. “I was wondering if she’d want to hang out sometime in the library.” She’d ask hopefully.

Remus’ eyes would light up and he’d begin to nod.

Enter Harriet.

“Reemy” She’d drawl as Sadie cringed. “Come help me with my work.” She’d say, when she basically meant ‘do everything for me’.

“I was just talking to-” Remus would start to protest, his smile sliding off his face.

“Baby, please.” Then, without giving him a choice, she’d grab Remus’ arm and drag him away, giving her a knowing black glare as he shrugged apologetically. Sirius would roll his eyes next to her.

End scene.

After several attempts at conversation she gave up.

After further isolation, she found herself glancing towards them more often than usual. They were all joking just as much as they used to, but something just seemed off. Remus would be laughing along with them, but with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

That’s because he belongs with someone else, her brain piped up, like yo- FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY?

“MISS JACKSON”

She jumped, flailed, then toppled out of her seat.

Having scrambled to get back up, she were met with the eyes of the entire class and an infuriated Professor McGonagall.

“Yes miss?” She mumbled nervously, scratching the back of her head. She pointedly stared anywhere but her face, but found that even worse as she noticed the marauders barely containing their laughter.

“I am astounded” She seethed, her voice calm but trembling with suppressed rage. “In all my years of teaching, never have I heard such language in my class, let alone shouted as I was talking.”

Her face paled, her mouth falling into a small ‘o’. Whoops, her brain taunted.

“I didn’t intend to say that out loud, miss.” She sheepishly looked up at her, subconsciously starting to tear at her robes.

“Then you weren’t paying attention.” McGonagall snapped, getting all the more impatient and shocked. “You, my top student? Sadie I have no option but to give you a detention, stay behind after class.”

She hung her head, her cheeks pink, and slumped back in her seat. She glanced at the marauders and flashed a smile they all returned. She couldn’t help but notice how Remus’ beam was a little dead eyed and forced.

During detention, she had a lot of time to think - primarily about Remus. Maybe if she just ignored them, her not-crush thing would simply dissipate. Or, her brain added, wait until Harriet leaves him and then you two can live happily ever after.

She clenched her fist and slammed her head on to the desk. She really hated her mind. Maybe if she hit her head hard enough she’d stop thinking altogether.

“Sadie” A stern voice echoed across the room.

She blearily raised her head from the desk. She was meant to be writing lines, but somehow the page was filled with senseless squiggles. Rubbing her aching eyes, she heard the snaps of McGonagall’s heels coming closer. When she lowered her hands, McGonagall had drawn up a chair and sat down in front of her. This time, her gaze was less furious and more motherly.

“I have been a teacher for many years, Sadie, and I’ve seen many students go off the rails. But very rare is it that my most well behaved start failing papers, lose concentration and shout profanities mid lesson.” She raised an eyebrow at her and she squirmed uncomfortably. “There’s always a reason behind such behaviours, is something troubling you?” She asked.

She sighed. “There’s just a lot on my mind right now.”

McGonagall raised her eyebrow higher than Sadie thought possible.

“You know, stuff, people, there’s nothing deadly serious. I’m not…” She flapped her hands, in some way hoping that she could convey her thoughts through what was borderline interpretive dance.

McGonagall smiled and nodded in understanding. “Ah, something is stirring up strange emotions.”

“Yes.” She nodded eagerly, thank goodness she got it.

“Or perhaps another student?” She added with a slight smirk.

She knew. Of course she knew. When doesn’t she know?

“Don’t worry professor. I’ll have it sorted, I promise.” She beamed as she waved her out of the class. Upon exiting, she noticed Sirius flouncing nearby in the corridor as she left. Remus was sighing exasperatedly with his hand across his face.

Right, she thought, Sirius hasn’t been eavesdropping at all. She frowned, wondering what his intentions were. She’d always been close and he had this uncanny ability to tell exactly what she were thinking about at all times.

He turned and noticed her, acting so melodramatically shocked she wondered if he was taking the piss.

“Oh good heavens, Sadie! What a surprise!” He flung his arm across his forehead like he was in a Shakespeare play. “Why don’t you walk with us on this fine evening?” He finished with a flourish, ignoring Remus groaning behind him.

She bit back a smile. Clearly this boy had never heard of the words ‘act natural’. “Can’t. Homework.” She responded.

He grinned with a look that clearly said ‘I know your darkest secrets’. “Ok, see you around, my fine friend.”

She waved goodbye to the pair, feeling the pang of guilt that this was the beginning of her very meticulously planned and definitely well thought out plan to avoid four of her closest friends.

However, she was useless at sticking to any plan, and this one was no exception. A few weeks later, she overslept badly. She woke up on a Saturday dazed with just over an hour until breakfast ended. Her hair was a frizzy mess and in dire need of washing. By the time she dragged herself down to breakfast, there was only fifteen minutes to go and the hall was swarming with students. She glanced across the tables, realizing with a sickening jolt that the only space left was in between Sirius and Peter, right across from Remus and his beloved Harriet.

She sidled awkwardly into the gap, slipping her hand across Peter’s textbook to grab the jam and praying that they were too busy to notice her.

“Oh hello Sadie” Peter piped up with a mouthful of toast.

For once, she cursed Peter for being so sweet and quirky. He’d glanced up from a rushed overdue essay with a small smile.

Sirius stopped talking to James, who was too busy nuzzling Lily’s arm to notice. He looked at her with an odd glare.

“Nice to finally see you again, Sadie.” He sat up and folded his arms, raising an eyebrow as he took in her sleep deprived, dishevelled appearance.

“I’ve been having issues.” She tried to explain, nibbling on a croissant that she suddenly decided she couldn’t eat. The food seemed to stick in her throat.

Sirius’ frown softened. Truth be told, she hadn’t kept her promise to McGonagall. She found herself getting more and more sick with worry over Harriet’s controlling nature over Remus. Concentration became even more of a struggle that ever, sleep and schoolwork was going down the drain. All this over a boy? What’s happened to you? She thought.

It was clear as day something was up, Sirius had a sixth sense for his friends emotions.

“Why don’t you join us for Hogsmeade today, before the quidditch final? I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages” He dragged out the ‘ages’ as he took a large bite out of a muffin.

She were about to agree, but then remembered that by ‘us’ that included Harriet and her harpies.

“I have some essays to catch up on.” She mumbled, not meeting his eyes. Strictly speaking, this wasn’t a lie, she’d been ignoring a lot of her essays for weeks and they’d been piling up drastically. However, she had no intention of completing them.

Sirius saw right through her bullshit. “Why don’t you hang out with us anymore, do you hate us or something? You’ve been ignoring all of us for weeks.” He snapped.

All eyes turned to her and she fidgeted in her seat. She could feel their glares on her skin, prying at her for her secrets. There was a long pause. Anticipation hung in the air.

“Because of me.” A smug voice piped up from the swarm of preening bitches. Sadie flinched.

“You don’t like me at all” She drawled, in a silky tone. Harriet had propped herself up, a perfectly sculpted eyebrow raised at her and a subtle sneer on her cherry lips.

The other four glanced between both their faces; their hostility towards each other was evident.

“No.” Sadie mimicked her smooth breathy tone. “I guess not”

Her cold voice surprised the others, unused to seeing her seethe with rage whilst remaining eerily calm. Sirius looked mildly amused, Peter was eagerly hanging of each word and James was too busy playing with Lily’s hair. Remus, on the other hand, was pale and his eyes kept flitting between the two of them.

“Why?” Harriet simpered. “You’re the one who stopped hanging round them sweetie, why wouldn’t any of them pick me over you. Are you jealous?”

Warmth crept up Sadie’s neck but she supressed the flush. She steadied her breathing and unclenched her fists. “Remus is just a friend.” She responded with gritted teeth.

Harriet burst into those bubbly giggles Sadie found so grating. She flashed a pitiful smile as though Sadie was a dog about to be euthanized. “Did I say Remus?” She simpered, running a finger along Lupin’s jawline. “I thought I was talking about all of your friends.”

Numbness spread through Sadie as she realised in horror what she’d done. She noticed the shuffles beside her but couldn’t bring herself to look at them. If she did, she felt she’d probably sink into a deep pit of regret.

“My my.” She breathed. “You really are jealous.”

She grasped her chin with her pointed nails and tilted her face up to look at her.

Sadie slapped her hand away. “At least I’m not a slag” She spat, never breaking eye contact as she grabbed her bag and leapt to her feet. “See you, sweetie” She hissed, before turning and marching out the hall, leaving the others to sit there and mull over what the heck just happened

Still to be continued.

[phil-and-a-corgi]

highschool bandfic in a nutshell - chapter 2

chapter 1

rating: t/m (swearing and also irene’s writing.)

word count: um i dont know a lot ( 2083 )

summary: uhh we have that on the first page

here if you want to read it here then here you go materinos(doesn’t include behind the scenes bants though

here read it on google docs yeah i know so professional(this one has behind the scenes banter)

SECOND CHAPTER (2)

(written by renee @dan-and-a-shibe - pete’s pov)

after finally putting on my eyeliner (i had no time to do it this morning and i looked like a garbage can filled with shit on fire) i hopped off the sink counter. sighing and putting my MAC charcoal liner back into my bag.i dabbed just a wee bit of eyeshadow because WHY THE FUCK NOT. the bell rang, signalling that i was late for first period. why do i let a bell, a mere beep for 5 seconds control where i go and when i go. it just shows how even though everyone tries to be themselves that everyone ends up being dragged by the trends of society. so i decided to sit in the background and look through tumblr. on my phone. ten minutes of scrolling through poetry and kittens. i should get going now. so i did. i walked into mr armstrong’s class.

“mr wentz may i ask why you’re late.” he asked, jokingly in a teacher’s voice. “sorry it’s required to ask that” he whispered, winking at the class.

“i know why, because he was busy being a GAYLORD”(dh quote) that try hard kid justin bieber teased.

“ok justin please explain how your bleached hair isn’t gayer than his amazing eyeliner.” mr amstrong retorted back as the whole class “oohed” at justin.

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(written by Irene - @feckboy69-aol - frank’s pov)

Fuck Ms. O-Conner. Fuck her class. It's the only class that I don't have with my beloved Gee and the rest of the guys I hung out with and the only class where the teacher actually expects me to do shit. Like okay, maybe there’s some nice chicks in this class and I sit in the back next to a window where I can stare out of and think of my beloved, beautiful Gee, but so what? Lorde’s (yeah, that's what her preferred name was, what a joke) a fucking bore. Honestly, so would this school be, if not for my beloved, precious, beautiful Gee and the shit going on with Ryan and Beebs’ tea drama. Oh, that and the whole of Beaver’s crowd; it was fun watching them get owned by literally everyone here.

Anyway, English class. Lorde Bitchface was screaming about the importance of “putting emotion into your poems” and using “meaningful symbolism” to give your writing “depth” like the edgy bitch she was, so I just tuned her ugly mug out as usual, grabbing my notebook and turning to a fresh page. I gripped the #2 mechanical pencil in my hands and let my mind wander and think about my beloved, adorable, precious, and beautiful Gee, which wasn't very hard. I thought about the last time we had made out (in the bathroom near Bitchface’s class in the stall that no one used) and let my hand draw what I thought. I never was a good artist, but my beloved, handsome, adorable, precious, and beautiful Gee had taught me a couple things (some about art, some about other things), so I had become pretty good. I concentrated for a good 5-7 minutes on the drawing, making every line count, and then smirked to myself at the finished masterpiece. It was stunning; well Gee was.

“Ah… Mr. Iero, why don't you tell us?” said Lorde Bitchface, looking at me with that stupid fucking teacher look that Mr. Armstrong had copied perfectly from her and would use to joke around. But I, being me, tried to pass it off with a smartass answer, something I always did that got on the bitch’s nerves.

“See now I would, but I don't do things like that for free,” I said, giving her a mischievous look. Several girls in front of me (except Hayley, that sassy lassy, who just rolled her eyes and went back the crap that Bitchface was teaching) turned around and giggled, playing with their hair in a vain attempt to try and get my attention. They knew about Gee and me; the whole school did (that's a story for another time), but they still thought they could get me. But I played along anyway, winking at them and giving them the Frank Iero Famous smoulder. The girls seemed impressed, but Bitchface clearly wasn't, her ugly face (okay, I knew she wasn't ugly, she probably got a lot of action actually with that figure, but I despised her so fuck off) morphing into one of disgusting bitch anger, her nose and eyebrows scrunched up and her lips pursed into a tight, white line. I knew she was about to blow, when a kid sitting all the way up in the front who I didn't even know existed until he spoke his next words (that would definitely be his last if I ever found him alone in a dark hallway, by the way) said, “He's being inappropriate and drawing repulsing images in his notebook, Ms. Lorde. I saw him when I went to sharpen my pencil, Ms. Lorde,”

He then turned around and smirked at me, his wavy ginger hair following him as he did, an aura of smugness about him that I did not appreciate.

I saw the anger drain from Lorde Bitchface’s face and have it replaced with a look of calmness that was actually more efficient in scaring people than her anger.

Fucking asshole, I thought, momentarily losing my cool before reminding myself that I was Frank Iero and bitches wished they could kiss the ground I walked on with their crusty-ass, chapped as fuck lips.

So when that fucking whore of a teacher gave me detention, I simply smiled and said a cheeky, “Can't get enough of me as it is, Lorde? Not that I can't see why you wouldn't want more of this,” running my hands through my hair, knowing that this was definitely gonna make the ugly hag throw a fit, which would be far more amusing than if I had just accepted the offer of yet another detention.

It worked; I got sent to the principal's office, but like hell I was actually gonna go there. I smiled to myself as I walked outside the door, giving Bitchface a cheeky salute as I went out, not staying long enough for her to scream more shit at me.

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(written by renee @dan-and-a-shibe - ray’s pov)

geez well this is frank's seventh detention this week and it's only wednesday. how is that even possible. well, lorde's most recent detention got him a saturday detention for the whole day and i knew he was supposed to go hang out with gee. gerard would be heartbroken if he couldn't make it to their next date. they have date night in saturday. i had to convince lorde to get him out of detention. she hadn't hated me yet, so i had a chance. while we were supposed to be writing deep poetry, i went up to her desk.

                 “hey um, ms lorde, uh sorry about frank. his family isn't really okay at the moment, and well, he's been acting up. more than usual. his parents have been really hard on him, especially with the detentions. i hope you can withdraw the multiple detentions from the past three days. don't mention this to him, or anyone else. please.” truth was that franks family wasn't doing to well but they weren't being hard on him, they didn't care anymore.

          lorde paused for a moment. “ok then, ill withdraw the detentions. only for this week. why don't you go down to the office and tell him this detentions are withdrawn.” i knew i could do it. most ladies have more vulnerable emotions, they’re more sensitive. and that's why women are so great. and now he only had three after school detentions..

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(written by Irene - @feckboy69-aol - tyler’s pov)

It was lunch for the Sophomores, so as usual, I was trying to find my best fren Josh Dun. It was strange, he wasn't anywhere to be seen, when usually I could spot his vibrant colored hair in any crowd (it was a bright yellow today). So when I entered the large circular shaped cafeteria, and didn't see him, I started to panic a bit.

He was there in the morning, we walked here together, he was there in first period, I saw him when I went to go to the bathroom, he was there during third period because I was there with him, oh no, he got kidnaped… he got bullied he's in a locker somewhere stuck I have to go, he's hurt I have to sav-

“Tyler!” I heard someone scream from behind me, interrupting my very important thoughts about Jishwa. I turned around in pure panic, ready for the news that was going to be solemnly sorrowful; news about Jishwa’s untimely death.

Alas, it was only Jenna Joseph Black, a pleasant surprise at that. I smiled in spite of my internal mental struggle, watching Jenna smiling and running up to me. The cafeteria was now starting to fill up, with cliques of people banding together in their own respectable tables, as usual.

Jenna grinned at me, giving me a friendly greeting. I didn't want her to get worried for my stupid overthinking habit. She wrapped her arm around my shoulder, leading me to our lunch table which consisted of me, Jish, her, Hayley (Kiyoko) Adam, Jack, and Ryan. The others weren't there yet, me and Jen usually arrived early, Josh not too far behind us, with the rest walking together, usually bringing some mundane news about whatever they considered important in their lives. Usual conversations involved Jack and his frens coming in with their loud but awkward selves, Hayley not too far behind them, her hands crossed in silent disapprovement at almost everyone and everything. They all would then come in to our table, interrupting the meaningful conversations that Jen, Jish and I would be having, usually conversations about the possibility (or plausibility) of whether coconut sharks could or not exist, (if they did exist, where would they be swimming?) with talk about the latest song from so-and-so’s band or whether Ryan and Brendon would ever get back together, or at least make up.

But that's not what exactly happened today because Jen, ever the one to notice and care, gave me a caring concerned look that depicted exactly how much she cared and was concerned about me and Jish, her eyes gleaming in the bright-lighted cafeteria, her mouth morphing into a depressing frown.

“Where's Jish?” She inquired, the proportions of her face perfectly in line, to the point where she made everyday curiosity look like it was the epitome of perfection, suddenly standing up, probably (or plausibly) realizing that if Jish were here, he would be right now.

I slouched further into my seat, gulping, my throat feeling dry, “I don't Jen… I don't know…”  

[soartfullydone]

Now would you look what I found: the firecracker can really write! I knew you had a way with words, but this... hey, now! Easy! You knew I was a busybody. Here, you can have it back. And don't be angry; it's good. I mean it, it's really, really good. You're not allowed to publish anything until I finish the Hard in Hightown series, okay? I don't want that kind of competition.

god tumblr’s being stupid about a read more break, so let’s see if this works this time

Isolde’s legs wouldn’t respond despite her mind screaming at her to move, to stand, to fight, to do anything at all. Her arms were a different story. They heaved her across the floor, the shattered glass slicing open her forearms, palms, and fingertips, but the pain didn’t register. All that mattered was getting to the sword. All that mattered was saving herself and--- 

Taliesin groaned, and Isolde could’ve cried because that sound meant he was still alive, despite having fallen so still. It was stupid to look---the sword would save them both from Nofre, not Taliesin’s eyes--but she couldn’t help it. She paused in her frantic scrambling just long enough to make sure he was all right, only to find his steely gaze already on her. Filled with agony and regret, yes, but also with astonishment and wonder. That she had come for him, risked her life for him, an elf, and she wanted to scream at him, Of course I did!

Isolde did scream, but only because Nofre’s arrow sank through a gap in her armor, embedding deep into her back. The shock of it---her scream of pain, the way her body jerked and her arms failed to support her any longer---sent a wave of blinding rage through Taliesin. Before he knew it, he was on his feet, was hurtling toward Nofre, intent on...   

“Ugh!” Melody Hawke exclaimed out loud. That passage had been rattling around in her head for hours, probably because she’d read it over fifty times before leaving the estate. Intent on... intent on... what? She couldn’t think of the word, a single specific word, and it had stalled the rest of the writing. The thesauruses in the Hawke library had been no help. She couldn’t even think of a suitable word surrounding the one her brain refused to remember, so she decided to take a stroll around Hightown. Give herself something of a break.

She was in the middle of listening to Hubert sharing some new grievances about their co-owned mine when it suddenly struck her like lightning. She took off without a word, barely hearing Hubert calling after her.

“Welcome back, sera!” Bodahn started as she burst through the front doors and ran into the entry room. “Master Tethras is in the---” 

“AAAH!” Melody screamed in acknowledgement, which was about as articulate as she could get for fear of forgetting the word all over again. Bodahn knew her well enough to understand, and Varric could wait two seconds. She raced to the library, taking the steps to its second level two at a time where she knew the passage waited for her on the first page atop a stack of papers.

She skidded to a halt on her heels. Varric stood before her very destination, shuffling those very papers between his hands.

Because he was reading them.

“Now would you look what I found,” the dwarf said, glancing up long enough to show her the wide grin on his face. “The firecracker can really write! I knew you had a way with words, but this... hey, now!”

Melody made an animalistic sound between a scream and a snarl as she dove for the papers. As the Hawke with the best sense of humor in the family, she didn’t get embarrassed easily, but this was mortifying. “Varric!” she yelled, frustration building as the man somehow kept her writing out of reach despite being a hair shorter than her. “Varric, stop! Don’t read that! Give it back!”

“Easy!” he laughed, dodging her again. “You knew I was a busybody.”

Giving up, Melody retreated and collapsed in the middle of a couch. She reclined all the way back with her head in her hands, wishing for the Carta to break in and finally kill her. Mom was out, and she’d put up no resistance this time. She released a groan of distress for good, dramatic measure. She didn’t move or stop said groaning even as Varric’s footsteps tapped closer.  

“Here, you can have it back.” He was still amused, but his tone held a hint of apology. It made her stop groaning at least. 

Wordlessly, she took the pages back and straightened them in her lap, finding it a good reason to avoid looking him in the eye. She couldn’t. She couldn’t look the author of Hard in Hightown: Siege Harder in the eye. 

“And, hey, don't be angry; it's good.” At the cutting look she threw him, he spread out his hands, his tone losing the last of its playfulness. “I mean it, it's really, really good. You're not allowed to publish anything until I finish the Hard in Hightown series, okay? I don't want that kind of competition.”

“You’re just saying that to be nice.”

“I’m really not, Hawke. Publish that, and you will run me out of business. I deal with enough shit from my publisher as it is.”

“You say that, but I don’t have a single beheading in here. Your readers love beheadings.”

“That could always change,” he said, coming to sit beside her. Melody shifted a little to give him more room, but she hugged the pages to her chest, blank side facing him. “Seriously, though, Mel, with all the running around you do, I had no idea you had the time to write, let alone the talent.”

“It’s just a hobby. Done it on and off since I was a kid.” She swiped at her eyes, which admittedly felt much drier than normal. “And I might’ve been writing a few nights past my bedtime this week. After all the gang fights, of course.” 

“Ah,” Varric said, pointing to his own face. “I thought those bags looked new.”

“Don’t look at my bags.” Melody grabbed the throw pillow at the end of the couch and swatted him with it. “And definitely don’t look at my writing again until I’m through with it, or I will leak your next manuscript.”

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Friendly reminder that the last person who said that to me ended up dead.” She shrugged but smiled. “What’s a little upheaval in the publishing world?”

“You’re mean when you get no sleep,” remarked Varric, but he was smiling a fond little smile, too. “And here I was about to recommend you an agent. Not mine, I wouldn’t wish him on anyone else. Someone decent.”

Melody yawned, setting the pages down on the floor before settling further back into the couch. “Not writing to get published. Sounds like a hassle.”

Varric handed her back the pillow so she could put it under her head. “Why, then?”

Her eyes closed, but she opened them again. “You can’t laugh.”

“Mel, the only time I’ve ever been more serious is when Bartrand left us to the mercy of the Deep Roads.”

“Yeah, that sucked.” She closed her eyes again and worried her bottom lip with her teeth. Varric tried very hard not to stare at his best friend, but she made it increasingly impossible. At last, she ended his suffering with a sigh. “It’s for Fenris.” 

Something in his gut fell at that admission. It was a good thing that her eyes remained closed. Varric wasn’t sure what his face was doing, couldn’t describe it for all the ale in the Hanged Man.

“Well,” he attempted, “that explains the elf.”

“I have no idea if I’m getting him right. The elfiness, I mean.” Melody adjusted, turning on her side, and Varric---seeing she was uncomfortable--encouraged her to drape her legs over his own. They’d done this before, but now it felt... different for him. His hand rested on her thigh just above her knee and did nothing else. He ignored how warm she was. 

She continued sleepily, “I’ve been teaching him to read, you know? He’s taken to it, but I recently realized there aren’t many texts written that feature heroic elves. Unless they’re written by the Dalish or Shartan. His opinions have been mixed.” She chuckled slightly. “I just hope he... likes it.”

“He will, Mel, for the writing quality if nothing else. But trust me. You’ve got nothing to worry about.” And if Broody doesn’t like it, Varric thought, then he’s an idiot.  

They sat like that for a moment. The sounds of the crackling fireplace downstairs and Bodahn’s indistinct conversation with Sandal---though the latter’s cry of “Enchantment!” was quite clear---floated up to them. Melody was almost asleep when she shot up and yelled, “Fuck!”

Varric jumped. “What!? What is---”

But Melody was grasping at the papers, flipping through them frantically until she came to a certain page. She stopped and stared. And stared and stared.

“Fuck,” she whispered again, lowering the page and staring off into the distance. “I forgot the word again.”

Varric could’ve laughed. In fact, he did. “Give ‘em here, Chuckles. No, really---I’ve already read them anyways---so let me help you out. It’s why I’m here.”

[3rdgymbros]

no hell had ever burned so sweet

A/N: This was inspired by @hanihana's wonderful comic on tumblr, and I hope I've done her art justice! If you haven't already seen the villain! katsudeku AU, you totally should. That being said, this is my first time writing katsudeku (let alone in an AU setting), and I hope I haven't made them too OOC! Please scream at me in the tags or in the inbox!! (There’s slight NSFW, so it’s been put under a read-more~)

Kendou finds him in the morning, poring thoughtfully over his collection of notebooks. He’s spread them out on his desk; there are only a few blank pages left in his latest one, and he’s managed to add an entry or two about some upcoming heroes who have managed to catch his eye. Soon, the book itself will need to be changed, and maybe he’ll write more in it, when all he sees is his own writing.

“I’ve got news, boss.” She says by way of greeting, waving a sheath of newspapers about in the air.

Izuku lets out a noncommittal hum, studying the auburn haired girl as she strides into the room. Exhaustion from pulling an all-nighter drags at him like wet winter clothes after a swim. The king-sized bed had felt empty, wrong, without Kacchan in it beside him, and he hadn’t felt like crawling into a bed that was far too big for him and attempting the farce of sleeping.

Not that they’ve been doing much sleeping as of late.

Even in the bedroom, Kacchan had an improper tongue. Hearing those sweet, filthy words pouring out of his mouth was always a turn-on, and he’d come right on the spot, with only Kacchan’s hot mouth wrapped around his dick. Surprisingly receptive, Kacchan had mercilessly exploited his weakness; taunting him with all the things he planned to do to Izuku once they were alone, unravelling Izuku with both his words and body whenever they kissed and touched and fucked – though not always in bed.

“Boss.”

How persistent. But Kendou’s voice is enough to clear the lust fogging up his mind.

The mantle of responsibility falls hard back onto his shoulders. Izuku takes Kendo in with tired, lidded eyes, his expression giving nothing away. He might be running on fumes, but his mind is as alert as ever, going full speed with his observations.

She’s wearing makeup and perfume. Subtle, smells like vanilla and marigolds. The jacket’s new, she bought it last week. Her boots are a little too tight; they’re pinching her toes on the left foot. The dress is low-cut and flashy; she’s planning to go out for some fun. Her mouth is turned down at the corners, her eyebrows are drawn together.

“Bad news, hm~?”

There’s a statement behind the honey-laced question, and Kendou knows it. Tension pinches her freckled cheeks and rapidly drives the colour from her complexion. Izuku studies her all the while, a specimen under the microscope.

He waits.

Her expression closes and darkens. “It’s Bakugou. He’s . . .”

The very name chases wishes of sleep from his head and battles the exhaustion back to the periphery of his mind.

“What about Kacchan?”

Rage eats at his calm. His anger burns brightly. He knows that Kacchan’s more than capable of looking after himself, but his childhood friend has been the only constant in his life, and Izuku knows, without a shadow of a doubt that he’d kill anyone who dared to lay a finger on his Kacchan.

“It’s Bakugou,” Kendou says again, almost ruthlessly calm and unperturbed by the dark anger colouring his voice. She’s one of the few people who aren’t put off by his volatile mood swings, and talks to him freely, without fear of any repercussions. She can lift twice Izuku’s body weight and works harder than anyone to make sure the underlings aren’t causing any unnecessary trouble and drawing too much attention. Izuku’s grateful to have her around. “The pro-heroes caught him. He’s under heavy guard now, but our intel says he’ll be transferred to a maximum-security prison in approximately three hours.”

“Ah.” As if a switch has been thrown, Izuku relaxes and grins at Kendou. “Well, that’s fine then. You should have said something sooner, Kendou-chan!” He arranges his notebooks in a neat pile upon his desk, changing the subject with ease. “Do you want to grab some breakfast? I need some caffeine in my system.”

“I don’t mind, but – Wait. Boss. We have more important things to worry about – How is everything fine?”

His smile grows. “All we have to do is get Kacchan out before they transfer him, right? Problem solved.” Izuku hums thoughtfully. “On second thought, maybe we should postpone breakfast, hmm? I should probably get going.”

“Alone?”

“Well, seeing as how you’re busy going on dates with that boyfriend of yours –”

She flushes a bright shade of red that clashes horribly with her auburn hair. “It is not a date, I’m just –”

It’s always so easy to push her buttons. Izuku takes in her embarrassment with cold and detached amusement before waving a dismissive hand in her direction. “That’s fine. Have fun on your nondate with your nonboyfriend Monoma. No objections here.” His voice sharpens. “I’ll go and get Kacchan alone.”

His hands are sticky, stained red with blood. He wishes he’d worn his gloves today.

They’ve put Bakugou in a lightless place, stagnant and airless. Filth and despair seems to clog his every pore. He’s grown used to spending a life in the darkness, but it doesn’t suit his Kacchan, a force larger than life, a typhoon that hates to be contained.

The corridor is about thirty yards long, with cells on both sides. Some are padded cells with an observation window, long and narrow like an archery slit; in the centre of the door. Others are standard prison cells, with a wall of bars opening on the corridor. Izuku is aware of figures moving in the cells, but he spares them nothing, not even a glance.

He could care less if they rot to death in here.

His objective is one person only.

Bakugou’s cell is well beyond the others, facing only a closet across the corridor. It’s the only one fortified with heavy double doors of iron and steel. They’ve spared no expense in keeping him locked up, it seems. Izuku presses the button beside the doors, waiting for them to hiss apart and announce his arrival.

The cell is spotlessly white and brightly lit. Izuku walks in, his footfalls the only sound in the otherwise silent room, and takes it all in with a contemplative hum. Heavy canvas webbing keeps Bakugou bound tightly to a thick slab of concrete bolted to the floor. Barbed wire rings his neck, his chest, his arms. Beneath the webbing he wears a straitjacket and leg restraints.

Up close, Bakugou looks fine. His hair still sticks up in messy, unkempt spikes; his face is pale, the stark absence of colour emphasizing his brilliantly red irises. His lips are chapped and his nose is pink. He raises his head and grins as Izuku approaches. His eyes run up and down Izuku lazily, like the stroking paws of a cat.

Izuku’s answering smile is as sharp as the edge of a blade.

Bakugou’s straightforward desire is enjoyable. No seduction, no pretence. His want is simple, and he does nothing to hide it or dress it under honeyed words.

“What took you so fucking long, Deku?”

Even chained up and bound with all manners of tracking devices, Bakugou is still as cocky as ever. A mocking edge to his question, made all the more pronounced by the rasp in his voice makes Izuku’s stomach flutter. It brings sex to mind. Extraordinary sex.

The thought of his Kacchan tied and bound up with a length of rope, spread out prettily on their bed, writhing and moaning Izuku’s name over and over again, coming undone while Izuku pounds into him makes for a pretty picture, and sends a white-hot desire trammelling through Izuku’s veins.

His lips are dry, so Izuku licks them before answering, “Sorry, Kacchan. It took me a while to bypass their security system.”

“Heh?” Bakugou asks, teasing and mischievous, “The heroes gave you a hard time to save me, huh?”

Izuku’s eyes darken with desire. Bakugou licks his own lips, mirroring his gesture from several minutes before, as though he knows what Izuku’s thinking. Kacchan’s there. Right there. All perfect and gorgeous and smelling of soap and sweat. If they weren’t hard-pressed for time, Izuku would be fucking Bakugou senseless here and now, hearing him scream and beg as his nails rake their way down Izuku’s back –

“No, no, don’t worry about that.” Izuku smiles angelically, in a way that completely dismisses the other’s concerns. “Getting through their defenses was actually fun.”

Izuku bubbles out a laugh that’s tinged with mania. He’s lost count of the number of heroes he’s killed, the wake of bodies he’s left in his rampage; the only evidence he has is staining his hands, dripping and splattering onto the linoleum tiles in a soft crimson rain. “But Kacchan, saving people is what heroes do. And I’m not a hero. Neither are you. We abandoned that title a long time ago, remember?”

“Oh yeah, that’s right.” Bakugou hums in approval, the sound as warm as bathwater.

It manages to bring a genuine smile to Izuku’s face. Few things these days have the ability to make Izuku happy – and even now, Kacchan can still make him smile. It’s something that hasn’t changed from when they were kids, bright-eyed and young and naïve, playing at being heroes with sticks and capes made of blankets.

Izuku isn’t connected to these dreams on a personal level. Not anymore.

“I’m not here to save you.” Izuku purrs, leaning forwards to nuzzle his nose along the sensitive spot behind Bakugou’s neck, so that his words vibrate into skin and bones. He can’t make Kacchan scream his name yet; but hearing his sudden, sharp intake of breath is enough to satiate him. For now. “I’m here to pick you up.”

It elicits a growl from Bakugou. “Quit teasing and just fucking kiss me already, Deku.”

Izuku bites back his amusement, running his fingers through the sweat-damp roots of ash blond hair. “Why, since you asked so politely, Kacchan!”

Izuku knows he’ll pay for it later, that he’ll be reduced to a quivering, panting mess on the bed, begging to feel Kacchan’s dick inside of him. But when Bakugou’s pupils darken, Izuku takes a single sip of his arousal and finds it exquisite. That’s enough teasing for today.

Chuckling lightly, Izuku leans forwards, mindful not to snag himself on the barbed wire. With another growl, Bakugou surges forward and kisses Izuku hard, bruising his lips. Izuku’s hands twine themselves in ash blond hair, fisting it roughly, holding him in place so he can’t turn away. He bites the tongue that Bakugou thrusts aggressively into his mouth, then his lower lip, tasting blood. Izuku sighs. A slow, hot trickle of arousal gathers deep in his bones.

“Let’s go home, Kacchan,” Izuku breathes against Bakugou’s mouth.

“Yeah, but before that –” The cutting rasp to Bakugou’s voice becomes more pronounced, and Izuku feels his stomach clench in anticipation.

“Hm?” Izuku hums lightly, feeling a dark grin spread across Bakugou’s lips.

“Release me and let me burn this place to the fucking ground.”

It’s incredibly easy to get Bakugou riled up, and each and every time, Izuku relishes the sight of it. A feral smile is stretched taut across his face. The sparks in his eyes fly into his darkness like fireflies down a cave.

God, how Izuku wants him. The craving hasn’t gone away, not even for a minute.

“Oh, Kacchan,” Izuku coos, his fingers already making quick work of the wires and straps, “Stop being so charming, will you?”

[myvoicenottheoneyougiveme]

In reality, in which "this” is most definitely detached but isn’t so purely scientific to have left the elements of the sponsor(s) off the table, that “personal” element suggests what is even being measured.

There are things that happen that I am meant to believe are legitimate interest or investment from others. They come decoupled from any kind of genuine indication that this is so, but you add in reactions to my “rejections” and the way the non-speak “messaging” goes on around here I’m supposed to believe that it’s the case. It’s all framed to me to be the case. I’m even guilted to believe that it is the case. The problem is, that aside from the roundabout quite empty and lifeless “hinting” that goes on, there is absolutely zero indication without all of that that there is any real genuine interest in such a thing. No sparks. No emotion. I mean I’ve seen emotion to the “disappointment” or whatever on rare occasion, but I’ve never once read “interest” in any kind of anything.

Why point all of this out? Because I believe that you my sponsors want more than anything to believe sorry, to prove that I never once read anything in regards to Michelle accurately--never, never once in all the years before “this” and especially after it started. So you puppet and prop up god knows who, anyone and everyone that’s willing to go along and give absolutely every indication “directly out of sight” and under the radar and completely contrary to reality, in an effort to prove that I when given any indication at all will absolutely run with that “invitation”.

I mean it’s all but proven right? You just have to prove it. ...All but. As in you can say whatever you want, but you can’t actually rewrite history.

You want me to latch onto something and decouple it from reality myself and create a fantasy and get all up in my head just so you can show that it’s all me and always was just me.

It’s the supposed “love notes” from total fucking strangers that would get left in the cafeteria. Or it’s the coworker reaching in or rather being the face of the reaching in and touching topics she ought not to touch. Let’s write things on cups. Let’s position the fake cockroaches in every sexual position imaginable. It’s the pointed remarks in conversation to this effect, but oddly all of the sexual stuff both breaking that ice and attempting to disgust at the same time. It’s the people around said person at one time attempting to hint hint wink wink like we’re all playing matchmaker. It’s the pointed “deep disclosure” of this week without the depth or emotion behind it. It’s the librarian taking pages out of your book, out of what happens here in the home too, and being a running commentary on “current events” framing them in such a way. It’s the other in-person attempts at dissonance and the “at my expense”ness that follow anything. It’s the other guy who never wears a cap EVER but suddenly this week because of “baseball” and “brother” and the emotional content of the media I did dare to watch this weekend and make use of my personal space rather than be paralyzed in anticipation of god only knows what will reverberate back at me. It’s the one lady who after I found something profound or in the very least interesting to point out to “you” while cleaning her office--you know the stuff people put on their walls and shelves to show others that says something about them--who has now gone so far out of her way to do exactly the same thing with the knickknacks like I’m supposed to read intent rather than simple harassment and more to the organized stalking. The list is endless. The bullshit “meetings” at the start. The one coworker who would lead the charge for the other. The “friend” officer who would do the same thing. The other officer who lied about having had contact with said “homeless” student after I saw him through the window talking with her, who when I pointed that out to “this” he magically disappeared and was replaced by the even more overt and raring-to-go bully-beat-down type who you had to reassign again to save face...There is a shit storm that’s been raging week after week for months, and your angle of attack may change slightly but your every aim is to paint and to prove and to smear me in any way possible and to, most of all, validate your own victimhood.

...at my expense. Live out a fantasy about yourself at my expense. You have to be one thing in the mirror, that means I have to be the other. I have to be whatever completes that for you. A crusade, not enough that you simply know or feel something in yourself or anyone in your life, no you need to control me and impose it on me and rewrite my lived experience. I am in possession of the one reflection you need more than any other it seems. You can’t have it. What you did to me was more than torturous. You should have let go when I was pulled out and given the resources necessary to no longer be at your mercy. But that reflection on you just couldn’t stand. You wouldn’t stand for it. You would not rest until you became 100% good and he 100% in the wrong (or evil more like).

And I forgot one more, it’s every new semester like every new jury after you throw out the previous verdict. Trading bad science for worse science. The veneer of truth seeking has dissolved and given way to what it is now. The fact is, when your “scientific method” was at its purest and I had little to no idea at all what was going on and I was hook line and sinker in your ploys, you still didn’t get the results you were looking for. No you got more of the codependent behaviors, long before you showed me yourself, Dorothy, what narcissism even meant before I even knew these concepts were a thing. You got every false result and failures to produce what you were just so damned sure of between the two of you, and your own jury, your own writers, your YOUR, YOUR handpicked personally, JURY, YOUR OWN JURY said “we’ve got the wrong guy”. You’ve been trading them out left and right ever since.

The thing about science, even false results are supposed to tell the scientist something. Repeated, repeated, repeated, repeated, is supposed to tell you something. There has to be the possibility for a false result or it’s not science anymore. But you bend and twist and frame and change the game eliminating that possibility anyway, but then you still don’t get it, or you get something that you with the greatest feats of mental gymnastics attempt to shoehorn into a narrative.

You need “this” like oxygen to breath. You need the mirroring. You need it revolving around you. You need the validation. You need to control the narrative. You need to be one thing, and that means you’re going to make me the other thing even if it kills me... and rightfully so, since in your reality, he is, he is, he is, HE IS, HE IS, HE IS AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, and NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME OTHERWISE. HE IS THE EVIL. I AM THE GOOD. HE IS THE EVIL, IM A VICTIM. IM A VICTIM. temper temper temper temper ragefest.

Most everything in this shit storm that happens around me is a (desperate) attempt to show me to be the kind of person that will read something that isn’t there, get it up in his head, and make life hell for someone who never had anything to do with his psychotic reality in the first place. All the signs will then be pointed to one thing being true, except for all of the signs that actually matter. And I’m supposed to run with the mere possibility because it’s so compelling. That gets you the result you want.

This week I suspend better judgement and say, OK, fine let’s just assume for a moment, and within that framework here is where I, myself, stand. ...”Not interested.” ...And then I get more again from her to the effect of “devastation” at my “rejection” of her. ...And then I say, ok, whatever, it doesn’t make any sense, but even if there were chemistry, here’s some qualitative reasons why I would not be interested in a relationship with this person. ...And then next it’s all actions and words on her part to the effect of being creeped out like I’m actually the one coming on and this person wants desperately to be left alone.

Well, I wouldn’t have called even her bit “coming on” but you’ve wanted me to believe that is the case. And I��ve known that you’ve wanted me to believe that. And so, now we’re right back to, “who is ‘this’ for?” Who is it helping? Whose life is it making easier or less complicated? I don’t want drama with people, and I certainly don’t want to be supposedly picking someone up for the let down (which is really actually all your doing in “this” if ever true in the first place).

I know I haven’t given those signals, and I know this person hasn’t truly given these signals. And I know theoretically and from personal experience that such chemistry is a mutual phenomenon regardless of the potential indecisiveness of one party. It’s even possible to crush one-sidedly; conscious preferences are like prerequisite gate-keepers that can inhibit one but not the other on account of them not being shared preferences (and commonalities). But chemistry, when it happens, is a product of two.

...You’re creating these scenarios without said chemistry, but supposedly “saying” all the right things (directly out of sight mind you) (cause I’m supposed to run with the mere possibility and not the overt expression), is a vain attempt to prove that what happened on Tumblr or what happened on Facebook was an entirely one-sided affair and that I’m a danger to myself and others because I just happen to people. If you can prove that, then you can prove that your overreaches and criminal activity and the abuses committed at your hands and the immeasurable harm and destruction in your wake is somehow justified... because he deserves it. The padded room in the mock asylum--a justified ordeal--a justified and right destiny for one so troubled. The end justifying the means.

And your game gets to keep going. You need “this”. You need any result that affords you the supposed right to do as you please. Everything you ever do, is an attempt to secure that and to gaslight me into believing any of it. Erase my own grip on reality and on my own lived experience, so you can rewrite history and I’ll corroborate it for you.