#Adviser in Sydney

[missingthemantaray]

need syd and carmy sharing wardrobe. jackets and beanies and sweatshirts and tank tops and white tees and button ups and pajamas and boxers and muscle tees and and

just them grabbing things off of the floor to wear, uncaring, switching over until there’s no distinction between his and hers besides a couple of syd’s more flouncy tops and such. it’s clear they both care about clothes and what they wear. i love the idea of them pulling from the same closet, one casually commenting that a piece looks good on the other, uncaring that it’s theirs. syd laying naked in bed, watching carmy get ready, helping him pick out his outfit with an off-handed, what about that blue button up of mine? asking carmy yeah? when he’s donned it, looking at himself the mirror, carmy turning and asking yeah? back, then crawling towards her on the mussed bed, kissing her arm, shoulder, across her collarbone, and just under her chin, until he reaches her face, hovering a breath away, barefoot, freshly showered, smelling of aftershave and toothpaste, in her shirt and his go-to jeans, chain brushing her skin just barely as it makes its way through the couple of undone buttons, syd humming mhmm and kissing him slow and dirty before patting him on the butt and saying, you’re gonna be late. don’t forget your coat. ‘s on the couch. (where she left it after her morning bagel and caffeine run (coffee for carmen, earl grey for her, naturally), throwing it and his beanie on with some headphones to get to walking down the block.)

hmm.

[glutominnn]

Oh Syd you have no idea

[alkalische]

seagulls are such a pretty bird

so far the most shocking thing about australia is that all the food here costs literally $12 on average WITHOUT a drink for ONE person it's literally insane

anyway i love seagull. and sydney opera house

no idea how anyone is supposed to live in sydney with these prices, considering just studying animation in melbourne but even there it's expensive

[frances-and-the-moon]

Should I go back to a country that offers me no job prospects (Iceland) but that I know well and I lived there 2+ years even though it's cold & it's hard to live there

or should I look for something else in another European country bc I don't want to live in Italy (but all the job offers until now were terrible)

or should I move to Sydney where my friend lives and where I can go to the beach after work but I have the 6 month visa limitation & Idk the laws well and it's very far and I'm going to be alone there too??

[marnz]

one thing i would love to write is richie/sydney on the bear...whoops who said that

[sydneykaine]

My duo just whines and complains and rages the whole time while we game and it makes me super anxious and stressed, but when he mutes so I don't have to hear it, it triggers those same distressed feelings bc that's what he'd do before yelling at me back when we used to date.

What do I do?

[businessadvisorynsw]

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[silveredsticks]

x

[retirewiseaustralia]

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[visaenvoyca]

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[dialtax]

What is the Role of Tax Accountant

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Overall, the role of a tax accountant is to provide expert advice and assistance to individuals and businesses with tax-related matters. They can help clients minimize their tax liability, comply with tax laws and regulations, and achieve financial success.

[reasonsforhope]

"In a major win for the traditional owners of Australia, the federal government has ordered the end of the land leasing program for the Jabiluka uranium deposit, ensuring that mining will never occur on the land owned by the Mirarr people.

At the same time, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese and his coalition added it to the nearby Kakadu National Park, a UNESCO Natural Heritage Site twice the size of Yellowstone.

Various parties to the disagreement over the destiny of Jabiluka described the decision as “a great day for the Mirarr people, for Kakadu, the Northern Territory, and for Australia,” “a genuine and welcome surprise,” and “a reminder of the extraordinary privilege all of us have, to share this continent with the world’s oldest continuous culture.”

The dispute over Jabiluka dates back to 1991, when traditional owners, environmental groups, peace activists, and others protested the granting of a lease for Jabiluka to Energy Resources Australia (ERA) majority-owned by the Australian mining giant Rio Tinto Group.

Located in the Northern Territories, activism by Indigenous owners like the Mirarr and Djot has forced successive administrations to defer or avoid the actual development of the potential mine. This included a road blockade in 1998 during which 500 people were arrested.

The Jabiluka Long-Term Care and Maintenance Agreement signed in February 2005 gave the traditional owners veto rights over the future development of Jabiluka.

Key details about the history of Jabiluka to understand are that the land has been under mining leases for over 30 years, but they’ve never been developed. ERA was not seeking to renew the 10-year lease to try and push forward with uranium mining, as they acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land have the ultimate say as per the 2005 agreement.

ERA stated they sought renewal of the lease in order to secure the asset should the traditional owners ever change their minds. Jabiluka is one of the world’s richest and most extensive uranium deposits ever located.

In 1991, PM Bob Hawke declined to exploit the mine’s riches, as did the Gillard Administration in 2013, but with Rio Tinto and ERA never forsaking the mine as a lost cause, and the Albanese government planning to move forward with nuclear power expansion, the Mirarr and others felt that another, hopefully final push was necessary.

As a result, the federal government provided recommendations to the state government of NT that the will of the people should be respected, and that the lease should not be renewed.

“[It] means there will never be mining at Jabiluka,” Mr. Albanese was quoted as saying last Saturday. “This beautiful part of Australia is home to some of the oldest rock art in the world, a reminder of the extraordinary privilege all of us have, to share this continent with the world’s oldest continuous culture.” ...

Officials from the NT government said the decision was made based on the recommendations from the Coalition government in Sydney, saying that Federal Resources Minister Madeleine King advised that the most important position to respect was that of the Mirarr."

-via Good News Network, July 31, 2024

[nikkisheep]

Will there be a new Part of To Be Alone With You ?

To Be Alone With You (Part Seven)

Anthony Bridgerton x female!sharma!sister!reader

Mentions of Benedict and reader

Warnings: ANGST, so much ANGST, swearing, Violet Bridgerton giving advise, Edwina feeling betrayed, Kate giving advise, we learn that Edwina is not in love with Anthony and never was, a few uses of Y/N just as a placeholder, ITALICS ARE A FLASHBACK, this got a lot longer than expected.

a/n: The official ending is going to be Anthony. He was the original ending and I think that there is so much potential with him and the reader. However, I will be making an ending for Benedict fans (me too) and it will be written as an alternate ending.

Summary: As the wedding between Anthony and Edwina nears, you must decide if your love for the viscount is worth sacrificing your relationships with your sisters, Benedict, and potentially yourself.

Playlist:

"The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived" Taylor Swift

"Because I liked a boy" Sabrina Carpenter

"You're Losing Me (From The Vault)" Taylor Swift

"The Last Time (Taylor's Version)" Taylor Swift

Taglist: @shealuna , @m-rae23 , @littlepeanut03 , @aellabridgerton @sydney-m, @faatxma , @wildthoughtnananna @uraesthete, @themadhattersqueen, @theroyalmanatee, @urfavnoirette, @budugu, @helen06dreamer, @galactict3a, @imagineme2you. @sabii5, @anehkael, @aesthetic0cherryblossom, @lxovesgy, @lemonwithstupidity, @luvwithau, @stvrdustalexx, @jess4rush, @tallrock35, @msrawog , @diduzzula , @myheartfollower , @yunho-leeknow , @jeysbae, @delusional-4-fake-people, @kiddeecat , @lucistarrrrs, @marvelouslyme96 , @weshhhhhhhhhhhhh, @lafrone

Dearest, Gentle Reader,

It appears that while the Viscount Bridgerton is engaged with one Edwina Sharma, the same can not be said about his eyes. Last night during the Featherington's Ball, it appeared that Lord Bridgerton's eyes were on one particular Sharma sister, who was not his betrothed. With the wedding so near, this author fears that this engagement will end in scandal and not a wedding. Let us not forget that Mr. Benedict Bridgerton also seems to be smitten by a Sharma sister. Will the Bridgetons have two weddings on their hands this year?

Lady Whistle down, Society Papers 1814

---

"Brother, I had not known you were taking it kindly with a Sharma," Anthony said, a glint in his eyes. "Is it Miss Kate Sharma? I've seen you look at her a few times."

Eloise had been reading Whistledown to the family hours prior to the brothers gathering into Anthony's office for a few drinks, to celebrate the engagement and the wedding so near.

"Kate? Absolutely not. She is a wonderful woman, strong headed, beautiful, but is more so a sister to me than a potential bride," Benedict stated, rather off put by the idea of marrying Kate. She was a lovely lady, one like a sister to him. She was just not who he had his eyes on.

"Well that only leaves one other Sharma brother," Colin said, nervous at his brothers realization.

"NO!" Anthony declares. "Not her!"

Benedict looks up with a sly smile, not realizing that Anthony knew of them.

"Yes, Miss Y/n Sharma is a lovely woman who has quipped my interest," Benedict says, smiling as he takes a sip of his drink.

"Have you compromised this woman?"

"I am a gentleman, brother," Benedict says, but his smile gives it away.

"You have!" Anthony states, he already knew from the note he left you when he snuck out of your bedroom all those weeks ago.

"Yes and I am not proud of it, I am simply waiting for your wedding to be over so I may propose. No need to steal your spotlight."

Anthony debated on telling Benedict that she was already compromised before he got to her. Now with the talk of marriage, his brother deserved to know.

"Brother, I must confess something that I am not proud to say."

"And that is my cue to leave," Colin said, bidding goodnight as he knew what was to come.

"Miss Sharma was already compromised when you laid with her during your art session," Anthony said quickly before downing the burning liquid from his glass, grabbing the bottle to pour more.

"But how would you know that?" Benedict said, confusion growing onto his face. "And why would you know that?''

Anthony takes in a deep breath before turning back to his brother.

"Because the man who compromised Miss Sharma was me."

Benedict, now standing, paces across the floor as he takes big breaths to keep his cool. He then turns to Anthony, storming up to him and grabbing his collar.

"You fucked her and then left her?" He yelled, anger flashing across his face. He was fuming. Anthony had never seen this kind of emotion in his brother before. Benedict was always the calm one. Always the one who kept his cool when it came to getting angry. This was new.

"I did not intend-"

"You compromise that woman and then propose to her sister!"

"Ben-"

"And then what? Don't tell me you knew of the two of us!"

Anthony looked down at the floor, Benedict stepped away from him for a moment.

"Do.not.tell.me.that.you.knew.of.my.feelings.for.her!"

"I knew not of your feelings, just your actions," Anthony said. "I told her that she should choose you because I was engaged to her sister. It was before my engagement, before all of the wedding talk, and before you set your eyes on her."

"How many times did you sleep with her?" Benedict asked, tears in his eyes.

"It only happened, maybe a few times."

"Did any of it happen after you found out about her and I?"

Anthony doesn't answer immediately but based on his silence, Benedict already knew.

"Brother, I love her!" Benedict yelled, hurt and betrayal creeping in his voice. "And you aimed to take her away from me!"

"I love her, Benedict. I tried to stop it. I tried to stop my feelings but I couldn't. I wanted to leave her alone after I found out about the two of you," Anthony says.

"But you did not!" Benedict yelled back at him, his blood boiling.

"It was Miss Sharma who ended things between the two of us, Ben. I told her that I loved her and then realized that it made me weak. I could not let her feel the same pain as Mother did after Father's death."

"You don't get to keep using that excuse, Anthony!" Benedict cried. "We have given you so many passes because of that one excuse and I understand how much Father meant to you but you do forget that I was close in your age when Father died as well. It is as though everyone forgets that he was my father too."

"Brother-"

"You have always been seen as strong and brave and mature for taking over the head of the house, but forget that you are not the only one who has the burden of remembering Father's passing." Benedict says, "I used to stand there, outside your study, listening to your pen scribbling across papers. I would listen to the sounds of you stumbling through the office and papers falling along with books from the shelves as you make your way back to your seat because you were so overcome with sleep. I would want to reach out to help you but it was not my place. I had to lose my father and watch my brother lose himself. So for you to deprive yourself of happiness, it is the worst mistake you could make."

"I have to protect her from it, brother. I will not let Y/n face the same pain and fate Mother did."

"Brother, you can not hide from love. It will find you. It always does. You can choose to turn away from it or you can embrace it with everything you have," Benedict walks over to his brother, a man who is clearly struggling to contain his emotions as he stands before his younger brother.

Benedict grabs the back of Anthony's neck, comforting him.

"Make it right with her brother, if you love her within half of what you claim, make it right."

Benedict turned and walked out of the office, leaving Anthony in the candle lit room alone.

---

"Whistledown writes lies," Edwina states, holding the piece of paper. "Anthony does not have eyes for one of you, does he?"

"Never," Kate says. "He is completely entranced by you."

You sit with a book as you listen to them. Edwina had been growing weary of the wedding. Almost having second thoughts before deciding that she would continue. You remember the conversation with her and Kate.

---

You three girls were all gathered in the library, looking through the old books as you gossiped about the ladies of the Ton.

"Did you see how Lady Datherington was dangling onto Lord Kemp?" Kate asked?

"I don't know if I want to continue with the wedding," Edwina says softly. "I am just not sure if he is the one for me."

"What makes you say that?" Kate asked.

"Yes, you seemed happy with the courtship," You said.

"It just seems as though we are not meant to be, rather that he may be interested in someone else."

"Someone else?" Kate questioned, looking at you for support.

"Darling, he is not interested in anyone else. You are the diamond of the season, why would he be interested in someone else instead."

"But that is the issue, Y/n, why isn't he interested in a different woman?" Edwina says, confusing the both you and Kate.

"Do you want him to be interested in someone else?" You ask.

"It would make more sense than him being interested in me just because the queen said he should be," Edwina says. "He doesn't even want a love match. He just wants a wife to take care of his home."

"His huge home," Kate gives a nod.

"Kate, I think what she means to say-"

"Not what I mean to say, what I am saying is that he doesn't love me so why is he so committed to this marriage? Why does he not try to get to know me if he wants to be my husband?"

You move to hug her and Kate does the same. At this very moment, you ponder if you should tell her that you were in love with her future husband, and a small part of you hoped that she would forgive. You thought that it would be a good time to tell her, give it to her while we are on the topic of the viscount, but just as you open your mouth, Edwina states that she is to still marry him.

"I suppose that I must marry him with the wedding so close. I can not pull out now," Edwina says with a small smile.

"You are to still marry him?" You asked.

"Well, I have to now since the wedding is in two weeks."

"What would make you not marry him?" You asked, Kate looked at you confused.

"Why do you ask?" Kate says slowly.

"Because I would want to know what it would take for a man not to marry me."

"I suppose him telling me he was in love with another woman because I would not want him to be in a loveless marriage and yearn for another," Edwina says.

"Anything else?"

"Maybe if the woman told me she loved him as well." ---

You close the book you are reading when a piece of paper falls out of it, Anthony's note. You had not seen it since the morning you found it laying on your bedside table. You quickly move to grab it, but Edwina swoops it in her hands from the floor.

"Look Kate, Y/n has a secret love letter!" Edwina squeals.

"I had no idea you were getting letters from gentlemen," Kate teases, walking up beside Edwina as you stare at the piece of paper in horror.

Edwina starts to read aloud, "My Dearest, Miss Sharma."

"Oh my, it has a comma after Dearest," Kate gushes as she beams brightly.

"I love you as deeply as the deepest parts of the oceans and even further than that," Edwina reads on, smiling as she does so. "I wish there was a way to sleep in the same bed as you. To stay in the same home with you, to hold you love as close as I can until it was the only thing I knew."

"Oh Y/n, this man is deeply taken with you!" Kate beams as she runs to hug you tightly. "You must tell us what his name is! Oh and we must tell Mama!"

Edwina's eyes grow large, her smile dimming and horror falls onto your face. Kate turns back to Edwina and tilts her head in confusion.

"Bon, is everything alright?"

"Why would you do this to me?" Edwina says, staring at the paper.

"Edwina, I can explain."

"How could you do this to me?" Edwina says again, anger growing into her voice. " 'How I wish I were able to say "I love you, Mrs. Bridgerton. My viscountess."' "Do these words ring any bells? And the "A.B."?"

"Edwina, please!" You start to shake your head at her. "I am truly sorry. I never meant-"

"He wrote to you that he wanted to marry you in a different reality, one where he was not marrying me and that he may actually be able to marry for love!" Edwina cries at not the thought of him not being faithful to their courtship and engagement but because it was you he was being unfaithful with.

"Edwina, all of that was before he announced your engagement," You plead. "I did not expect for Lord Bridgerton to be interested in me nor I in him. I did not want this to happen. I cut it off because I saw how happy you are with him."

"So at every ball, when the two of you danced, you loved him? Or was every insult you said to him was truly a love confession?"

Kate stood there in shock as she read the first line, "I awoke with a perplexed train of thought as I watched you blissfully sleep."

"Did the two of you do what married people do?" Kate asked, interrupting the two of you.

"I...Yes, we did but it was not something that I knew to be the marital act at all."

"Y/N, he has compromised you and he has left you aside!" Kate said, anger slipping in as she thought of seeing Anthony.

"Edwina, I never meant to cause harm to you." You say, slowly walking to her, she steps back a few steps.

"It is not that I am happy with him because I am not," Edwina said, for the first time since the engagement she could speak how she truly feels. "I am not happy with Lord Bridgerton. And I can not make him happy. I am going into a loveless marriage and he is in love with my sister. I knew that he could never love me, I just never expected you to be the one he loved."

"Edwina-"

"I am not done!" She shouts, stomping her foot. "I foolishly expected that one day we could love each other but we cannot. I shared my doubts, my concerns, and my feelings with you, and this entire time, you were secretly the reason behind all of them. I am not upset that you love him or that he had secretly been meeting with you, I am angry because you felt as though you could not tell me your feelings for him."

"I am so sorry," You cry, shaking as you stood there in one spot, frozen due to your mistake.

"I thought we were closer than anyone," Edwina said. "And yet you could not tell me small things like how you took interest in Lord Bridgerton and you kept it from me."

Edwina walked out of the room, tears in her eyes, and you stood there in your spot until she had left completely before breaking down. Kate rushed to catch you as you slid to your knees as you cried.

"He said he loved me, Kate. He said he loved me. Why did he have to tell me that he loved me?"

"Shhh, I know. I know." Kate had only one thought as she held your shaking form in her arms, she was going to have a nice long conversation with Anthony.

"I never meant for this to happen," You cried. "I just wanted someone to love me and he said he did. I didn't mean for it to hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her. I just wanted someone to love me."

Kate gently takes your face in her hands and kisses your forehead.

"You are loved. You need not a man to love you. To love someone else is to first love yourself. You can not love someone else unless you are willing to accept love for yourself," Kate smiles. "Anthony is an idiot for making you feel this way. For that I am terribly sorry and you will survive because you have survived many things in this world for you are a woman.''

"But Edwina is upset with me."

"She is upset, but she is not angry. She understands that you love him, she is rather upset because you had not been truthful with your feelings."

"Do you think she will forgive me?" You ask, looking up at her with hope in your eyes along with unshedded tears.

"Oh darling, she has most likely forgiven you as soon as she walked out of the room. You know Edwina may be upset with you, but do not think that she doesn't love you or will not forgive you. She is just hurt."

"Kate, you have no idea how much I am going to miss you when you leave for India again."

"And I will miss you as well. But for now, lets not talk on that topic. I have a very important thing to do right now," She smiles.

"Oh of course," You move to get out of her arms.

"No silly, my important task is to hold you until you feel better," She smiles as she squeezes you tightly.

"But I already feel better," You giggle.

"Well at least until I feel better."

---

Anthony walks into his mother's drawing room as she sits there stitching up a pillow which she puts down when seeing the state of her son.

"What is it, my son?" Violet smiles softly.

"Mama, I made a huge mistake and I do not know how to fix it."

"Oh my son, come sit."

Violet moves a pillow and she pats the couch beside her. Anthony sits down and tears well up in his eyes.

"Oh, darling what troubles you?"

"I love someone and I can not possibly let her suffer a painful life as you have since Father," Anthony says as he struggles not to cry in front of his mother.

"Anthony, I have not lived a painful life." Violet places her hand on Anthony's cheek. Normally he would scold her or move away but he realized that he deeply craved his mother's touch.

"I shared a wonderful life with your father and when he died, it felt as though a part of me died, but without the love and heartache that I gained throughout our marriage, I would not have you or the rest of my children. I would be lost in this sea of life without having Edmund, but I have my children, the greatest honor of my life, to hold me anchored."

"But Mama, I can not have her suffer."

"And what do you think you are doing to her now?" Violet knew who her son was talking about and she knew how you were feeling.

"Mother, I can not let her love me. I can not rest peacefully if she were to be in pain and agony because of me!" Anthony's tears fell from his eyes, and Violet's thumb wipes them away.

"Oh my sweet, sweet Anthony, you put so much on yourself." She smiles sadly. "Are you saying that you do not deserve to have happiness with the one woman who not only loves you but understands you more than everyone else?"

"Well, not more than you," Anthony laughs softly. "I just do not know if I can let her love me openly and deeply."

"Son, you are so much like your father. He too struggled with accepting love, but when he did, he did it with so much embrace. He is extremely proud of you and he would want you to be loved as deeply as he loved me or I loved him."

"Mama, what have I done to deserve her love? I have brought her only suffering and I am not dead yet."

"My darling child, love is not something that one is deserving of because it should be unconditional," Violet smiles. "You know what you must do now?"

"Yes, I believe I do." Anthony smiles as he hugs his mother, Violet gasped in surprise at the action. He had not done so since he left for Oxford all those years ago.

"I love you, Mama."

Violet smiled and tears came to her eyes as she squeezed him tighter.

"I love you too, my son."

---

There was a thunderstorm and lightening was cracking against the sky and thunder boomed across the earth. You had crept into Edwina's room to talk.

"Edwina, I wanted to say I am sorry."

Edwina had not answered. She laid still on her bed.

"I have decided that I am going to tell Anthony that I am leaving for India with Kate and I thought I should also tell you."

As you were speaking, thunder clapped in the sky and a small whimper left Edwina's lips.

"Bon?"

Nothing but another whimper. You move to Edwina's bed and you sat down. Edwina looked over at you and you open your arms. She quickly rushed into your arms as you moved to her pillow. She wrapped herself in your arms and clung to you with wide eyes and a racing heartbeat.

"Edwina, you are safe. I have you, you are safe." You stroked her hair and you both slowly drifted off to sleep as the rain poured down from the sky, as if it was cleansing the earth of mistakes and washing your mistake with Edwina down with it.

"I love you Edwina," You said.

"I forgive you," She whispers before you hear snores drifting through the air.

[nolita-fairytale]

pov: you're a record shop owner!reader dating carmen berzatto

a/n: i have full intentions on writing this as a oneshot but couldn't get it out in time for valentine's day so i wanted to have fun with a lil headcanon that would require less of my mental bandwidth. anyway, happy v-day carmy cuties!!

dating carmy as a record shop owner would be like:

in my head you meet at The Bear after a bad date. sydney, who you meet in the restroom takes pity on you and lets you sneak out of the back. you catch carmy on a smoke break and ask if you can bum a cigarette off of him. the two of you get to talking and you let him know you own a record store just a few blocks away. "you should stop by sometime."

of course, he doesn't. so a few weeks go by and just when you think there's no way he'll come by, a taller man, followed by sydney, is practically pushing him through the door under the guise of looking for the latest taylor swift record on vinyl.

you shoot the man a look (like there's no way in hell that a place like this carries taylor swift on vinyl but okay) and even though you don't have it, you offer to order it for him. the man, who you learn is called richie, goes to check out the rest of your shop, giving you, carmy, and sydney some time to talk.

you thank sydney again for helping you out. she does most of the talking but ends up inviting you to a movie thing in the park they're going to. you think, at least you'll make some new friends out of this, as you agree to go.

by the end of the hang, carmy finally musters up the courage to talk to you one on one, prompting you to make the first move by asking him out. and you know what they say. the rest is history.

okay so i'm thinking about the beautifuly agony of trying to make the perfect playlist for carmy when you decide that it's time and that you really, really like him. you spend a few days going back and forth over the perfect opener, closer, and what story you're trying to tell with the playlist. it can't be TOO 'i'm absolutely head over heels for you' but you want him to know that you're pretty damn infatuated.

you're pretty involved in the local live music community, so you're almost always going to a show. when carmy finally joins you for one, he's definitely hella anxious about it -- even though it's a smaller venue. but he wants to try for you!

making better memories at the bear beside your lackluster date. the first time you go back, you sit at the bar and get the colorful cast of characters that makes up the restaurant. the second time you go back, you bring your girlfriends for a girls' night and everyone is incredibly impressed by the food, the hospitality, and of course, you're very very cute exec chef boyfriend.

after your girls' night, you head over to your favorite bar, and carmy and syd meet you over there for drinks after their shift. you love the way your lives and worlds have begun to intertwine.

i'm thinking about these japanese-inspired hi-fi vinyl bars that keep popping up around the states and how if you decided to open one, carmy would be able to advise you on opening an entire bar?? OR as the bear expands its hospitality group, you outfit the bar with its vinyl collection.

the first time carmy cooks for you, you have the entire night's soundtrack picked out. you've spent all week thinking about which vinyls should underscore the night and it's filled with good food, great music, and even better sex.

i may add to this later today but wanted to get some of these thoughts out on metaphorical paper!!

[whenmemorydies]

The Claw, The Scrunchie and The Prayer Card

What - or who - do the hair claw, the scrunchie and the prayer card that appear in season 3 represent? I think I know, and no its not Claire or Mikey. Join me for an unhinged trawl through all 3 seasons of The Bear (with screenshots cos you know I love me some evidence).

A few weeks ago, @vacationship posed a fascinating question about the hair claw seen in Carmy's apartment in 3x01 Tomorrow:

This question branched off into many lovely and thought-provoking discussions including this post from @thoughtfulchaos773 about the significance of hair accessories and this post from @moodyeucalyptus on Catholicism and miracles. Both posts refer to another memento that we are shown in Carmy's apartment, a scrunchie, which we see at the end of 3x09 Apologies:

A particular theory that intrigued me was that the hair claw from 3x01 morphed into the scrunchie we see at the end of 3x09, as one of the many sleights of hand/instances of legerdemain in season 3, potentially indicative of a softening of Carmy's self-loathing and/or guilt (contrasting the hardness and teeth of the hair claw with the gentle grip of the scrunchie). I think the assumption behind this theory was that the hair claw was associated with Claire (in fact we see the hair claw in 3x01 sandwiched between scenes of Claire at home looking forlorn in bed and then later at work in the hospital) and the scrunchie being associated with Sydney as she's often seen wearing scrunchies throughout the series.

I was so intrigued by the sleight of hand theory that I went on a very ill-advised search throughout all three seasons to find these hair accessories (ill advised because it took ages and it meant sitting through every Claire scene in this show lol) I did not find either the exact hair claw or scrunchie (womp) but I did find the characters who'd be most likely to wear these items. Notably, Claire never wears a hair claw or a scrunchie throughout the show.

So who does?

Hair claw: Natalie

(Note: Tiffany is seen wearing a hair claw once in 3x09 Apologies but I think this is just a coincidence. There's no reason for Tiffany's hair claw to be in Carmy's apartment so I'm going to disregard this possibility here. If anyone has a reason why I shouldn't though, let me know!)

Scrunchie: Sydney

Now Carmy's personal interior design style is probably best described as...utilitarian? If that? The man has nails in his walls that have nothing hanging on them. He's got storage boxes strewn around his living space. There's the occasional bottle of painkillers and Pepto and a bundle of hanging herbs drying in his kitchen. And of course, his chef's whites and a large pile of culinary texts and cookbooks. Oh yes and denim in his oven. Other than this, we are not shown much of anything in Carmy's apartment that could be said to be overtly personal to him. Which is why the hair claw and scrunchie stand out. We've never seen Carmy wear a hair claw or scrunchie so their presence in his apartment is significant.

Similarly, there's one more memento we are shown in Carmy's apartment that is distinct from the rest of his belongings. This is the prayer card that Carmy pulls out of his suit jacket pocket and places with the scrunchie at the end of 3x09:

In the discourse of the show, this particular prayer card is often associated with Michael, as its presumed that this is the card that was available for mourners to take at his funeral. We also see it during the show edited next to images of Michael or of his last note to Carmy, reinforcing the association.

Note: I've previously misidentified the figure on this prayer card as St John the Apostle (apologies, I saw the lamb and the staff and assumed it was St John! I'm also not a practising Christian - my knowledge of the religion has been obtained entirely passively because...well I live in the West and my history is enmeshed with the history of European Christian colonisation of the majority of the world including the part where my family's historically from. Soz.). The image on this prayer card is actually "Fresco of Jesus as Good Shepherd" by Josef Kastner.

Prayer card: Richie

BUT...after going through the last three seasons again (much easier to do this time around lol), I've come to the conclusion that the prayer card is actually Carmy's memento of Richie, not Michael. This is primarily because prior to 3x09, whenever we are shown this card in the show, it appears either with, near or when someone is talking about Richie. Lets take a look...

So we first see the card in The Beef in 1x01 before shots of Mikey's body in the morgue and of the back of his head as he's cooking: these are memories Carmy is having while Richie is telling a story to The Beef staff and as Carmy finds his prized chef's knife on the floor of the kitchen.

We see the prayer card next in 1x02 Hands during a nightmare that Carmy is having that features a voiceover from Joel McHale's psychotic Chef Fields. Notably, the sequence of images where we see the card is as follows:

The next time we see the prayer card is in 2x01 Beef to the left of Carmy's head on the wall, when Sydney is telling Carmy that Richie does not have an appropriate certification because...he's Richie.

Later in the same episode we see the card again, after Richie tapes up Michael's Fenway poster (that Sydney had previously fallen through):

The prayer card is immediately followed by a shot of Mikey's last note to Carmy:

The next time we see the prayer card is throughout 2x07 Forks, the most Richie-centric episode of the series. This is because we find out that Richie keeps a copy of the card on his bathroom mirror, so he sees it everyday:

Given the above (i.e. the strong physical and visual association between the prayer card and Richie throughout the show), I believe the card represents Richie for Carmy.

So why would Carmy have a prayer card as a memento representing Richie and not an actual personal item of his brother from another mother/"cousin", like it appears he does for Nat and Syd?

I think this is because Carmy’s connection to both Natalie and Sydney is direct. The former is his sister, the latter his soulmate (I'm not arguing re: Sydney, check my metas if you want to fight). It makes sense that the trinkets he has of them would belong directly to them.

But Carmy's connection to Richie is not direct. Richie is cousin to Carmy because he was best friend to Mikey first. Carmy’s relationship to Richie has always been mediated through his relationship with Mikey. In life, Richie would only be in Carmy's orbit because of his proximity to Carmy's brother. In death, Richie and Carmy have been thrown together because of the restaurant that Mikey left to Carmy but where Richie works. As a result of that forced employer/employee relationship, they're also forced to navigate their grief and mourning for Mikey in close proximity. In this context, it makes sense that the memento Carmy has for Richie is emblematic of Mikey, and is also representative of that shared sorrow between the two of them due to Mikey's passing.

So why does Carmy have these mementos in his apartment?

I'm not entirely sure what the answer to this question is, but my hunch is that these mementos represent the three surviving relationships in this show that are the most important to Carmy but that have all been severed to some extent by the end of season 3.

Carmy's nosedive into Michelin Mode, his psychological spiral triggered by grief, his past traumatic work experiences, his family history, his entitlement borne out of his racialisation and socialisation (among other things) all of this has coalesced into Carmy pushing away those closest to him. He's slipping into that pattern of behaviour he described at Al-Anon in 1x08 Braciole where he cut people out of his life. Carmy doesn't recognise this though because physically, these people are around him all the time. He doesn't realise that you can be physically present but emotionally and mentally AWOL. I mean, the man isn't even physically present for his sister after Natalie gives birth to her daughter, Carmy's niece. He has some explaining and making amends to do! And hopefully we see this next season.

Its likely that the framing of the hair claw and the scrunchie on the show (via suggestive editing) has been a sleight of hand/legerdemain: to get us thinking their presence only has to do with Sydcarmy/Claire. And as I've discussed, the prayer card is widely associated with Mikey. I reckon this is also a sleight of hand too, for the reasons I noted above. Storer and co got us focusing on the romance and dead brother tropes while they continue to push the theme of chosen family home. By the end of season 3, the hair claw, scrunchie and prayer card appear as reminders to Carmy (and us) that he needs to fix his relationships with Nat, Syd and Richie, and that the loss of them is haunting him as well.

And so next season, Carmy needs to move through and past this:

And fight like hell for this:

After all, this show is about love in all its forms, but above all, its about the love we fight for, the love we choose.

Alright chef,

Tagging: @vacationship @moodyeucalyptus @currymanganese @thoughtfulchaos773 @brokenwinebox @espumado @tvfantic87 in case you're interested but keen to hear from whomever wants to discuss!

[ramblingthoughtsofayoungadult]

Unpredictable Part 3-Limoreau x black!fem!reader fic

A/N: AAAH, thank you for all the support on this. I didn't think it'd be a series but I can't stop writing.

Warnings: toxic parents, body shaming, eating disorders, alcohol abuse, and swearing

Words: 7.7k

Series Masterlist

 “…and that’s how I knew that I was meant to do charity work,” the nasal redhead concluded.

That afternoon, the Si Chi house was packed with pledges in floral or puffy Selkie and Miss Selfridge sun dresses. A handful of servers circulated the foyer with trays of orange juice and mimosas. The combination of Prada Candy and Viktor Rolfe Flowerbomb made my head spin but I smiled through it as I nodded at different pledges’ stories. All of them were desperately trying to toe the line between interesting and bragging because one could never act too important for a potential house.

“That’s great news,” I glanced at her name tag, “Brenda since Si Chi regularly engages in philanthropic work.”

 Brenda smiled widely, making the hot pink blush on her cheeks even more prominent. “I know, that’s why I’m so interested in joining this---your house.”

“Well, we are glad that you took the time to visit us. Would you excuse me?”

As I weaved my way through the foyer, I plucked a mimosa from a passing server and started sipping. Exactly five seconds passed until I was surrounded by a new crop of bright-eyed freshmen.

“Oh my gosh, are you Y/N Y/L/N?” a willowy brunette asked.

“Guilty, and you are?”

“She’s Justine,” a shorter brunette interrupted.

Justine narrowed her eyes and thinly covered the glare with a smile. “I can introduce myself, thanks, Renee.”

Renee shrunk a little in her oversized light blue sundress and I glanced at Justine.

“So, why are you interested in our house?” I asked.

Justine straightened up and smiled like a pageant girl. “Well, I’m perfectly aligned with all the values of Si Chi: Sisterhood, respect, and intelligence. I am all about women empowerment and I respect people from all backgrounds----I’m exposed to a bunch of different people as an actress, anyway.”

“What about intelligence?”

“Well, I think there’s many different kinds of intelligence and, as an actress, I’m emotionally intelligent to the point where I’m exhausted by everyone else’s energy.”

“She really has to prioritize self-care,” Renee added.

“It’s great that you’re aware of that for yourself.”

She had to be one of the least self-aware people I ever encountered and that was a difficult fete. However, her socials had decent numbers and she had been in a few Vought Plus movies, which would help her win Sydney and Lydia, the vice president, over. The next two years with her and her friend would be irritating.

A softer expression slipped across Justine’s face, and she took a step towards me. “I just want to say that I think it’s so brave that you’ve been participating in all the rush events despite your traumatic experience. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to see Luke,” she paused and placed a hand on her chest, “kill himself.”

Though it had been a week since, it still felt like a bomb rolled off Justine’s tongue when she said it. The wave of emotions that I experienced in that time was hard to describe; Shetty said that grief was a rollercoaster, and the influx of emotions was normal.

“As impossible as it may seem, one day you will come to accept what happened,” she’d advised. “You may experience more anxiety but, with your network, I am sure you will be able to cope.”

The network she referred to was strained at best and destroyed at worst. My “sisters” were as supportive as they could be: Alina gave me a Lush self-care kit, Sasha was not nearly as antagonizing as usual, Lydia gave me grief book recommendations, and Sydney let me pick what workout classes we attended. Emma and Cate were the only non-Si Chi people I spoke to since it was way too difficult to speak to the others.

Justine placed her hand on my shoulder. “If you ever need someone to talk to, you can count on me.”

“Thank you for the thought,” I replied, smiling tightly.

“You must be so grateful that Marie was there to stop him,” Renee quipped.

I sipped some more juice to keep the confusing feelings from bubbling up. Nothing could have prepared me for Marie and Andre being propped as the Guardians of Godolkin, which was arguably the dumbest name Vought could give them. The less I wanted to see them, the more I saw their promos and videos. It was horrible that the last time we spoke we had a fight but every time I saw her, I felt a weird wrench in my chest.

At the very least, Emma seemed happy for her.

Then, Coco Allen, a Si Chi junior, appeared from the crowd and squeezed between the freshmen. “There you are, Y/N, I have a crim freshman with a water manipulation ability who wants to pick your brain.”

“Sure. Will you excuse me?”

“Bye!” Renee called as Coco pulled me through the crowd.

When we got to the less populated living room, I exhaled a breath I did not know I was holding. Then, I turned to the beaming Coco.

“Thank you,” I said.

“You’re welcome. You know I hate entitled freshmen,” Coco mused.

Coco was the only other black girl in Si Chi and happened to be the first one to talk to me when I visited the house last year. She was a little shorter than me with deep mahogany skin that always glowed. She always wore her waist-length jet-black hair in tight curls and accessorized solely with gold jewelry. That day, she wore a fitted white sundress with espadrilles.

“Were there this many last year?” I asked.

Coco shook her head. “But there are a few more black girls so it’s promising.”

“That’s great! I hope I can find them before the event’s over.”

“That would be great.” Coco eyed me. “So, how are you holding up?”

“I’m okay, the mimosas don’t hurt though.”

“They never do. You didn’t have to come today, you know, you could have taken more time, get out of here for a minute.”

I shook my head. “I needed this, it’s a nice distraction or, it has been. Besides, what would it look like if the secretary didn’t attend?”

Coco nodded slowly but I could tell that the gears in her head were turning too much for her to be convinced. “You’re already Sydney and Lydia’s favorite and they might have let it slide.”

I cocked my head at her and she immediately started chuckling half-heartedly.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. The hoops they make us jump through are ridiculous,” Coco reflected.

“It makes sense why you didn’t want to be an officer even though you’re poli sci,” I commented.

Coco grinned. “Hey, I’m making decent connections just by being in this house. This is just a steppingstone on my path to become the first black woman supe president.”

Even though the title was long, if anyone could do it, it was Coco. One time last year I sat in on one of her debates in class and she had a senior in tears and their debate partner ready to put their laser eyes to good use.

“Well, don’t forget little ole me when you’re a big shot,” I teased.

Coco frowned. “What do you mean ‘little’? You have done too much to talk like that.”

I shrugged. “Not that they’re not as important but my four-year plan is less impressive than yours.”

“Oh yeah, the plan where you basically end up a trophy wife? No shade but, I think you’d be way too bored in that role.”

“Hey, I would have a city contract too. Plus, it’s what I want and what I see for myself every time I look into the future. Every step I have taken up until this point puts me closer to that.”

My voice was much stronger than I thought it would be but Coco was always pushing me. Some days it was motivating and on others, it was infuriating.

“Like I said, I’m not trying to crush your dreams or your plan but is that really all you want for yourself? Especially thinking about all the good you’re already doing with your powers?” Coco questioned.

Her words plagued me for the rest of the event and bugged me when we gave our ratings of the pledges to Sydney and Lydia.

“Oh, and Y/N, don’t forget to send me that compilation with all the pledges’ socials,” Sydney requested as I was on my way out of the foyer.

“Of course, you’ll have it by the end of the day.”

Everything was much quieter underwater, except for my thoughts, but those were much clearer. Every time I thought about where I would be in five years, it was the same: smiling at a city event on the arm of some suit. I never saw the man’s face but I knew he had to be somewhat attractive. My eyes fluttered closed at the bottom of the pool and I focused on my future.

It was the same image, complete with flashing cameras and I was wearing a gorgeous rose pink Oscar de la Renta gown. My hair was piled on top of my head in Senegalese twists, and I was smiling widely. However, when I tried to look at whose arm I was on, it was like I could not turn my head. The harder I tried, the sorer the side of my neck got.

After a few more seconds of trying, I pushed myself up to the surface and sucked in the air. The sky was a mix of orange, purple, and blue. Sydney was blasting “My Head, My Heart”, which signaled that she was getting ready to go out with Eric Landon, the president of Sigma Kappa. It would be nice to be asked on a date, a proper one without the expectations of sex later.

My face warmed at the fact that I had never actually been asked out. People constantly told me how good looking I was but that did not translate into boys falling all over themselves for me. There were the occasional fun nights out but it would always end in that same venue. I didn’t think I asked for too much: flowers, good morning and good night texts, respect, intelligence, and ambition. Emma told me I watched too many movies once and while that could have been true, I also thought that it wasn’t too much to ask a guy to hold a door open.

It also did not help that Jordan was the last person I ever got close to being intimate with. I groaned at the thought and dove underwater, making my way to the other side of the pool.

An almost-kiss should mean absolutely nothing but I could not stop thinking about it, just like I could not stop thinking about how Jordan would throw me under the bus to save themselves. I would never do that to anyone, especially not someone I cared about.

But you already did, the voice in my head hissed.

Marie didn’t count, I didn’t mean to do that; Andre, Luke, Cate, and Jordan decided for me. I would have stayed if it was my choice but that didn’t matter to Marie or any of them.

I pushed myself from the side of the pool and butterfly stroked my way to the other side. Thankfully, the water was heated and soothed my aching muscles. As I was about to resurface, I noted a blurry tall blonde figure standing above me. When I pushed up, Cate stood over me, her eyes worried.

“Hey,” I greeted.

“Hi, can we talk?”

“Sure.”

A few seconds later, I was wrapped in a fluffy towel and standing across from Cate. Her eyes shifted around for a moment before she suggested we headed inside. When we got to my room, she immediately closed the door behind us.

“Is there any way someone would have listening devices in here?” Cate asked.

“No,” I said slowly.

“Are you sure? There’s shit out now where they put it in the tiniest crevices and you would never know,” Cate argued.

“I would have seen it or had a hint about it. What’s going on?”

Cate finally sat on my bed, and I opted to stand across from her. “Andre and I found some stuff that makes Luke and Brink’s deaths way more complicated.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for one thing, they totally cleared out his room the day after he died and I mean everything.”

My eyes widened. “Even the…special drawer?”

“Yes, and at first, I thought it was protocol but what would they do with all those----”

“I get it, Cate, what else did you and Andre find?”

As Cate continued to speak, I could feel my stomach sink further and further, until I was sure it was somewhere in the house basement. Nothing Cate said meant anything positive for anyone. If there was some kind of lab under us, that meant anyone could become a part of it.

“Have you told anyone else?” I asked.

Cate huffed and leaned back on my bed. “Well, Jordan’s been spiraling about Marie and the rankings, so I can’t get a word in about anything else.”

“They’re spiraling?” I asked.

“You haven’t talked to them since Luke died?” Cate asked.

When she said it like that, it sounded like I committed a cardinal sin. After that day, there was nothing else for me to say to them. Even though I saw them in class occasionally, I never spoke to them and desperately tried to avoid eye contact.

“They could have reached out too,” I muttered.

“You’re such a younger sibling,” Cate commented.

“It’s true!” I whined.

“Well, they’ve been freaking out about the rankings since they fell down to number five and Andre’s number one.”

Being in the Top Five was like Jordan’s lifeline. They’d always shared a friendly rivalry with Luke but I knew they wanted to be number one eventually. They spent almost all their time making sure they stayed in a high position and to drop to bottom of the Top Five must have been devastating.

“Oh no,” I whispered.

“Yeah, and your new best friend cracked the Top 100 and is Jordan’s new nemesis,” Cate added.

 I walked over to my dresser and pulled out a chocolate brown loungewear set. “Neither of them are my friends.”

Cate frowned. “Seriously, what is going on with you? The other night, you and Marie were inseparable, and you and Jordan were bantering. What happened?”

It must have been the fact that I was holding all my thoughts and feelings in because I burst.

“Marie and I can’t be friends since she thinks I’m a shallow bitch who would sacrifice her to save myself because I hang out with people who do. The funny part is that Jordan admitted they would backstab me if they could get ahead, which is definitely not something I would do to a friend or anyone I almost kissed!”

I was panting by the end and my chest felt a lot lighter. However, my nerves began to build when I noticed Cate’s mischievous grin.

“Who did you almost kiss?” Cate asked.

“That’s not the point,” I mumbled.

Cate stared at me for a second before lighting up. “It was Jordan, wasn’t it?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“You hesitated which means I’m right. It could have easily been Marie though since you were all over her.”

“Why do people keep saying that? I was being nice!”

Cate held up her hands in a relaxed defense. “Chill, Y/N, it’s okay to like more than one person at once.”

“I don’t like either of them.”

“At all?” Cate quirked an eyebrow.

“No,” I pouted.

Cate looked unimpressed and I felt even more unimpressed since I knew that I liked Marie and Jordan platonically.

“Okay, we’ll save that for later but, I don’t think Jordan would tell you that they would backstab you and they would not think about it. They would do it to other people, but not you.”

“You’re just saying that because they’re your friend and you weren’t there.”

Cate cocked her head to the side. “Think, Y/N, did Jordan really say, ‘I would backstab you if it would save my ass’?”

As I recalled the memory, I slowly rocked back and forth on my heels. “They didn’t say that but, they didn’t answer me when I asked if they would.” “You probably caught them off guard,” Cate reasoned. “I’m sure if you talked to them, things would go okay.”

I hesitated and set my clothes on my bed. “Let’s say that I decided to speak to them, I don’t know what to say. Even if I did, my class tomorrow isn’t with them.

“You’re not going to the Think Brink gala tomorrow night?” Cate asked.

Earlier that day, Mom mentioned something about a gala on the phone but I was only half-listening. In my defense, there was only so much complaining about her clients and Dad that I could stand. I grabbed my phone from my nightstand and “Go to Brink gala” was in bright letters on my calendar.

“I guess I am,” I concluded.

“Then, you have some time to figure it out. You might get lucky and not even have to say anything.” I nodded and messed with the charm on my phone. “But what about Marie?”

“You’ll figure that out too. Indira’s taking her to the gala so, you can get both your ‘friends’ back,” Cate said, putting “friends” in air quotes.

“Why did you do it like that? Don’t say it like that.”

“Just because you’re in denial doesn’t mean I am. Think about it, would you be this freaked out if we had a fight?”

The “yes” should have come immediately but it didn’t; it died in my throat, and I couldn’t look at Cate. Why were things different with Marie and Jordan? Why did I stress out about them when I tried to stop thinking about them?

“Can you just make me say the right thing?” I asked.

Cate mulled it over for a moment. “I think it’s best if you do it yourself. If you don’t have a vision about it, something will come to you.”

“Thanks, Cate. If you and Andre need any help snooping----”

“You will be the first person I text,” Cate assured.

“I was going to say that I’ll probably know before you.”

I narrowly avoided the pillow Cate tossed at me and laughed at her effort.

“Maybe you are getting a little too cocky, Y/N.” She stood and walked over to me. “And for the record, I would never betray you in any way, neither would Andre or Jordan. If either of them did, they would have to deal with me.”

“Thanks, I would hug you but I’m still soaking wet.”

“Yeah, that’s smart. I know this might be useless but try not to worry about everything.”

I shrugged. “It doesn’t hurt to try.”

“You’re taking the meds from Indira?”

“Yes, Mom,” I teased.

“Just trying to help.”

Strangely, that was the first night since Luke’s death that I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. The trend was that I would strain myself to have premonitions until I was exhausted and tried again in the morning. For once, sleep found me quickly.

After sitting through a two-hour lecture on trauma’s impact on villains and heroes, I was more than happy to wander back to the Si Chi house and decompress. In a few hours, Talia, Mom’s assistant, would arrive with options for the gala. Then, the glam team would arrive and do their best to ignore Mom while they did their jobs.

I needed all the relaxation I could get.

 As I was mentally reviewing which movies I could watch, my phone kept buzzing in my back pocket. I thought it was another flurry of comments on the TikTok Coco and I made yesterday but it was from a strange number.

XXX-XXX-XXXX: Y/N, pls come 2 my dorm, it’s an emergency.

XXX-XXX-XXXX: Im srry we haven’t talked in a while but it’s important.

I frowned and typed back, ????

XXX-XXX-XXXX: It’s Marie. Emma’s in trouble.

My stomach dropped and I replied, B there soon.

As I raced around other people on campus, my thoughts moved faster at the possibility of what could have been going on with Emma. The last time I had spoken to her was two days ago and she was okay then. If anything, she may have been tense because Marie and I were not speaking but she had not said anything else.

I was halfway to their dorm when I ran into something solid.

“Watch where you’re going, Y/N,” Maverick sneered.

“If you put on some clothes, maybe I’d see you,” I shot back as I continued down the hall.

When I finally got to their dorm, I was panting and could barely knock. Marie pulled the door open, pulled me in, and closed the door behind me.

“Did you sprint here?” she asked.

I nodded. “You said…it was…an….emergency…Emma.”

In the middle of me grabbing my bearings, I noticed something tiny next to one of the supports on Emma’s bed. Slowly, I slid to my knees and crawled over to it. When I realized who it was, a choked gasp escaped my mouth.

“What happened?” I whispered.

“I don’t know. She was like that when I got here and I didn’t know what to do so I called you since you’ve known her the longest,” Marie rambled.

Her words barely registered in my brain as I went to one of Emma’s drawers, grabbed a small set of clothes, wrapped her in it, and carefully set her on her bed. Emma was barely breathing and was ghostly pale.

“Emma, I know you’re probably not going to like this but, you’re going to need to eat something.”

She didn’t reply and for a second, I wondered if she could.

I started rifling through all her stuff until I found a box of crackers. My hands trembled as I broke them into small pieces and kneeled in front of Emma. She never looked at me as she nibbled on each crumb I fed her.

Eventually, she grew back to her normal size. As soon as she was, she pulled her knees to her chest.

“I’m sorry you saw me like that,” she muttered.

Slowly, I sat next to her and it was almost the same way zookeepers treated wild animals. If one moved calmly enough, they would not get attacked. Marie sat on her bed.

“It’s okay, I’m glad we were able to help,” I replied. “What happened?”

Emma sniffed. “I opened up to this girl in my class. We’re scene partners for a project and we were talking, and I guess I felt comfortable enough to tell her about how I get small. I thought it was just between us, but she posted this…this video on YouTube telling the whole world about it.”

“Who’s the girl?” Marie asked.

“How do you get small?” I uttered at the same time.

Emma froze for a moment and looked away from me. “I make myself…sick.”

When she said it, I suddenly remembered all those times she would go to the bathroom and then come out a miniature version of herself. However, all those times, it was for different commercials or other work-related events. Then again, there had to be times when she did it at home or at my house.

How did I never notice? “Emma, I’m so sorry. I wish you would’ve told me sooner,” I said.

Emma turned to me with a glare in her eyes. “Really? How would I work that into a conversation? ‘Hey, Y/N, I’m sorry to interrupt but, I make myself throw up to get small’?”.

“We’re friends, friends tell each other this kind of thing,” I insisted.

Emma scoffed. “Please, like you would get it if I told you. You’re perfect, you always have been. Your face, your hair, your body, your eyes, your life!”

“That’s not fair.”

“Emma, I think you need to get help,” Marie interrupted.

Emma’s gaze flickered to hers and I thought she might set Marie on fire. “I need to get help, that’s rich coming from you. You act like no one can see your scars.”

Marie flinched and her eyes narrowed slightly. “I do that for my powers, that’s different.”

Emma laughed callously. “Please, at least be honest. How about this: I’ll go to therapy when you admit to cutting.”

Emma’s voice had no tone and every word she said was like a hammer slamming into my chest. She wasn’t in the right headspace for any conversation and I kept reminding myself as I stood.

“We should talk later when we’ve all calmed down,” I suggested.

“I don’t want to speak to either of you again,” she hissed.

It took more effort than usual to swallow the lump in my throat as I let myself out of their dorm. Just as I was about to lean against the door and wallow, Marie slipped out behind me and shut the door. I took a step back, barely avoiding a pair of girls rushing past.

“Sorry,” she apologized.

“It’s fine.”

Silence filled the space for a moment, and I had no idea how to fill it. Cate said I would know what to say but I was at a loss.

“I’m sorry about what I said…that day,” Marie delivered gently.

My eyes snapped up at her. “Oh.”

She sighed. “I was just angry, and I thought you were a part of it but, Emma kept saying that you would never do something like that. I just didn’t know how to reach out or say anything.”

I know the feeling.

“I accept your apology but I’m also sorry that no one came back for you. I guess it worked out, though?”

Marie sighed and leaned against her door. “Sort of. The perks are nice and I’m in crim now but I feel like everyone’s looking at me and expects something from me; almost like they’re waiting for me to fail.”

“Really? They had me convinced you’d be the black Starlight,” I teased.

Marie laughed half-heartedly. “I still want to be a hero, though, someone like her people can look up to.”

“Anyone in particular?”

Marie hesitated. “My little sister. We were both obsessed with heroes when we were younger, but I was the one who got Compound V. She always looked up to me and I want to be someone who would make her proud.”

“That’s a really admirable goal,” I complimented.

She smiled softly. “What about you? Shouldn’t you be my competition to be the black Starlight?”

My expression faltered and I looked down at my French acrylics. “No, I don’t think I have the showmanship you do. Besides, my goal isn’t to be in the Seven.”

“Really? What do you want to do?” Marie asked.

“So, I have this four year plan and if I follow the steps I am on to a T, I will graduate with a city contract and be engaged to an eligible supe.”

Usually, when I told someone my four year plan, my chest swelled and my shoulders rolled back unconsciously. This time, it felt like I was a toddler showing my mom a drawing I made in school.

“Is that it?” Marie asked.

“I know it’s more traditional and maybe even a little lame but, it’s what I want,” I maintained.

Marie nodded slowly.

“What is it?”

“Nothing, I just imagined you doing something in, like, criminal AI or stopping criminals from re-offending.”

“Both are great, they’re just not me.”

“Which is fine,” Marie insisted.

She sounded a little too eager but I let it go as we started walking down the hallway.

“What should we do about Emma?” Marie asked.

“I’ve never seen her like that before but she’ll need time to cool off.”

“Sounds good, I just have nowhere to go until the gala tonight.”

“You could come to Si Chi for a bit. I can’t promise they won’t try to initiate you, though.”

Marie laughed. “Me, in a sorority?”

“Hey, we’re getting more black girls this year so you never know!”

“Whatever but, yeah, I’d like to hang out with you…at your house.”

Even though Marie rushed the last part, a smile quirked on the corners of my mouth. It would be nice to have a new friend over and it was even nicer that there was no more tension between us.

“You know, Emma never told us the name of that girl,” Marie pondered once we got outside.

“Oh, that’s easy.” I grabbed my phone and scrolled through my contacts until I reached the right one.

Shelby answered on the first ring. “Y/N, hi!” “Hey, are you on your way to class?” I asked.

“Yeah, if I’m late one more time, Professor Elix is going to make me do an improv one-woman show!” she panted.

“Well, I don’t want to slow you down but, you have class with Emma Meyer, right?”

“Oh yeah, Intro to Stage, why?”

“Cool. She told me her stage partner has an incredible Insta aesthetic, but she never told me her name and I need new inspo.”

“Oh, that’s Justine. I don’t know her last name but I’m sure you’ll find her.”

“Thanks, Shelby. Have fun in class.”

“Thanks!”

I hung up and turned to Marie, whose eyebrows were raised. “What?”

“What was that voice?” Marie asked.

“It was my voice. Haven’t you heard of code-switching?”

“Fine. Did you get the name?”

“Yes, Justine and I’ve met her.”

“What? How?”

“She’s rushing Si Chi.” I couldn’t keep the devilish smile from working its way into my mouth.

“What does that look mean?” Marie asked.

“It means that there are many more perks to being in a top house besides living in it.”

For some reason, everyone thinks that white girls have a monopoly on passive aggression and relational aggression. That was not the case at all; black girls simply are more inclined towards active aggression but we’re capable of both. I proved as much during Brink’s gala.

The ballroom was packed with board members, trustees, alumni, and the wealthiest GOD U students, the latter being my target of interest. They were all easy to approach since I had met them at some function or another.

“Y/N,” Bianca Peterson gushed as she hugged me.

Her Gucci Guilty perfume tickled my nose and I willed myself not to sneeze as I politely pulled away from her. “Bianca, it’s been too long. I think the last time I saw you was at Beta Ro’s Brunch for Boy Scouts.”

Bianca nodded, light auburn curls bouncing around her sculpted features. “Yes, we bonded over jewelry.”

“And you still have fantastic taste,” I mentioned, gesturing to the gold buckle around her wrist.

“Thank you, it was a present from Theo but I gave him a few hints,” she bragged lightly.

“How is rush going?” I asked.

“Pretty well, our pledges are shaping up nicely this year, not that they don’t every year,” she quickly added the last part.

“Of course. Do you have a lot of girls from Counting?”

“We’re interested in a couple, why? Are you trying to poach?”

I shook my head. “Not at all, I just wasn’t sure if you heard what Layla from Zeta Nu discovered.”

Bianca raised a microbladed brow. “No, I don’t think I have.”

I took a deep inhale and slowly shook my head in disbelief. “Oh, well, I should let it come from her then.”

A moment later, Bianca glanced across the room at Layla Ruthers, the president of Zeta Nu, who was smiling politely at a pair of hunched-over old men.

“In case I don’t have a chance to talk to her, what happened?” Bianca asked.

I glanced around us for a moment before leaning closer. “Apparently, a freshman posted a video about another girl’s eating disorder.”

“Really?” Bianca’s eyes widened.

I nodded. “Layla was insulted for the other girl and banned the pledge from rushing Zeta Nu. She even said that no respectable house would accept someone so low-class.”

“Oh,” Bianca uttered.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take up all your time. I should go mingle.”

I made it about two steps before Bianca gently grabbed one of my arms.

“Wait, Y/N. Did Layla say the name of the pledge?”

My eyes wandered around the twinkling lights of the room for a second. “Justine something, I think.”

“Thank you. I’ll see you later.”

“Sure!”

The rest of my conversations followed that pattern. Each girl I spoke to was shocked and horrified by my words. Plus, none of them would dare speak to the other; that would mean another house had better information than them. My final target was easily the most important one: Sydney.

In her ice-blue mermaid dress and intricate updo, she looked more like Cinderella than a gala attendee. She was standing at a table, nodding her head at something a shorter guy was saying.

“Excuse me,” I politely interrupted, “I need to borrow Sydney for a second.”

The guy deflated slightly. “Sure.”

“I’ll see you soon.” Sydney huffed a sigh of relief as soon as we were out of earshot. “Thank you, I don’t know what he was even talking about.”

“Anytime,” I replied.

She snatched a champagne flute from a passing server and downed half of it. “I can’t wait for this night to be over.”

I nodded. “It is morbid despite their attempt to dress it up.”

“Yeah, and my parents won’t stop bugging me about my future. I can only apply to so many internships and not everyone is looking for a telekinetic,” she griped. “Sorry, how are you?”

“I’m alright. Ironically, I think he’d hate the name they picked but I didn’t know him super well,” I admitted.

“Right.”

Here it goes.

“So, I think the event the other day was a success,” I commented.

“Definitely. The house was packed. It’s too bad we can’t accept them all.”

Sydney smiled as she spoke.

“I know. It’s great that there’s so much interest.” I paused for a second. “But, I wanted to tell you that something came up with one of the pledges.”

Sydney gestured for me to continue.

“Even though my social media deep dive on the pledges was thorough, something came up today that I thought you should know when considering the pledges,” I explained.

“Okay.”

“Today, Justine posted a video exposing another girl’s eating disorder. Several of the girls were upset when they saw it.”

“That’s awful,” Sydney responded.

“It’s also so disappointing since I met Justine during that event, and she was saying how women empowerment is important to her. I know that women empowerment is a huge passion for you and a foundation for Si Chi and to imagine a pledge so willing to tear down another woman infiltrating the safe space you building is horrifying.”

Despite the liquor, I could tell Sydney was processing my words quicker than any computer. Her expression shifted from shock to anger to coldness. Then, she finished the last of her champagne and set it on the table closest to us. “Thank you for telling me, Y/N. I’ll see you later.”

As she walked away, I grinned widely at the response. Bid Day was going to be even more fun and interesting than last year. To celebrate, I grabbed myself a flute of champagne and sipped it as I started to wander the room.

“Y/N!”

My body froze at the masculine voice and my mind raced with what to say or do. Finally, I decided to face Jordan. They were in their masculine form and standing at a table by themselves. Though they looked fantastic in their navy suit, they looked like they hadn’t slept in days.

“Hello.”

I practically sang it and prayed for someone to make the floor swallow me.

“Can we talk?” he asked.

“Um, sure.” I walked closer to their table and rested my forearms on it.

 “It’s good to see you,” he started. “Outside of class, I mean.”

“You too.”

Jordan nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. “That’s good.” He paused. “I’m sorry about everything.”

I looked up from tapping my nails on the tablecloth. “Wh---”

“Please, let me finish. That day…I don’t know why I didn’t just tell you that I wouldn’t throw you under the bus but I wouldn’t even think about it. How could I do that to my little freshman?”

For the first time ever, my chest warmed at the nickname. However, I tried to bite back the smile that was worming its way onto my face.

I glanced away for a moment, crossing my arms over my purple sleeveless satin gown. “Well, I guess I forgive you,” I playfully grumbled before turning back to him. “But you still did it pretty easily to Marie.”

Jordan’s expression faltered and he sipped some champagne. “Don’t mention her.”

“Why not? She’s my friend and we did a very mean thing,” I argued.

“Look, I protected myself and you that night, I won’t apologize for that. Besides, she’s still here and she’s doing great,” he spat.

“I know you’re pissed about the rankings but, those can change, especially with how hard you work and how powerful you are.”

Jordan scoffed. “That’s how it should work but no one wants to back a bigender Asian.”

His words made me stop for a second. In all the time I knew them, Jordan seemed invincible to punches, laser beams, electric shocks, and words. They made succeeding at Godolkin look so easy but it must have been anything but. Plus, Luke and Brink’s death must have impacted everything else.

“We’ll see about that,” I challenged. “There’s about thirty trustees and every board member in this room. There will have to be a few who will like you.”

Jordan hesitated. “I’m not really in the mood to promote myself.”

“Then let me talk,” I offered.

He eyed me for a while before crossing over to my side of the table and looping one of his arms with mine. “Don’t make me look bad, freshie.”

“I think that’s impossible.”

The first target was easy: a thirtysomething white guy with floppy light brown hair and an oversized gray suit. I focused on him for a moment, gathering as much information as I could.

“Trevor Emerson, GOD U alum and old money beneficiary,” I muttered to Jordan.

“Isn’t he supposed to hate me?” Jordan hissed back.

“He’s overcome by white guilt since his recent discovery that all the black and brown people who built and managed his family’s manor were not salaried employees,” I explained. “He’s dying to look as much of an ally as possible.”

Jordan straightened up. “Good job, freshie.”

“I haven’t even gotten started.” I painted a polite smile on my face. “Mr. Emerson, it’s so nice to meet you, can we bother you for a moment?”

Two guilty and three haughty donors later, Jordan and I found ourselves at a different table. It was the first time that I saw him smile that night.

“You were amazing out there,” Jordan exclaimed.

“Thank you but you also made my job a little easier being talented and whatever,” I joked.

“Seriously.” Jordan grabbed my hand. “You might have saved my ass.”

I tried to ignore the tingle that shot up from my hand into the side of my neck. “It’s okay, I’m happy to help.”

When they announced that the video was about to start Jordan sulked again. “I can’t believe they’re making us sit through this shit.”

“Me neither.” I rest my hand on top of his. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask sooner but, are you okay?”

Jordan laughed humorlessly. “No but schmoozing with you did help a little. I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah.”

When we parted our separate ways, I wiped my sweaty palms on my dress skirt and approached my table. Fortunately, Mom and Dad had not burned down the ballroom with their arguing. In fact, when I got to their table, Mom was on her phone and Dad was rhythmically tapping his fingers against the tablecloth, looking anywhere but her.

“Hi, were you bored with me gone?” I asked, giving Dad a side hug.

“Not at all. I met a few board members and sold a few pictures,” he responded.

I nodded and slowly took the middle seat between them. The video was equal parts patronizing and infuriating. However, my parents’ whispers kept me from focusing too much on the video.

“Y/M/N, can you get off the phone for one second? They’re playing the video,” Dad hissed.

“I am about to cut the biggest deal of this quarter. They can send it,” Mom hissed back, waving a manicured hand for emphasis.

“Mom, people are starting to stare,” I quietly interjected.

“Let them stare. This is what’s paying for you to be here.”

“Don’t act like I don’t contribute!” Their words used to make me flinch but I forced myself to sit up straighter and breathe.

“I’m grateful for it, for both of you, really. You both paid to be here and I thought you would not want to miss the man they’re honoring,” I whispered.

Those words made Mom slowly mutter something into the phone before placing it face down on the table and leaning forward. At that same time, they flashed a picture of Brink and me across the screen. He had been meeting with my small group when the photographer appeared.

Dad squeezed an arm around my shoulder and I softly leaned into his touch.

“Thank God you lost that baby fat,” Mom commented.

“Y/M/N,” Dad said quietly.

“You know it’s true, Y/D/N,” Mom hissed back.

Suddenly, Dad’s arm felt like a boa constrictor, and I gracefully slipped out of its grasp. When the video ended, I drank a fresh flute of champagne. The bubbles instantly went to my head as I giggled at Dean Shetty introducing Marie.

She looked really pretty even though she was nervous.

“Do you know her?” Mom asked over the applause.

“We’re friends,” I replied.

“So why is she a guardian and not you?”

“She was more involved in stopping Luke than me,” I lied.

 When Dean Shetty cued everyone to return to socializing, Mom turned to me.

“Your grades are fantastic and your standing in your house is good,” Mom began. “But eligible bachelors will not notice you unless you stand out like her.”

“Y/M/N, leave her alone. Anyone who doesn’t notice Y/N isn’t worthy of being in our family anyway,” Dad defended.

Mom ignored him. “That girl, Marie Moreau, is not your friend, she is your competition. You are in the prime setting to have everything you’ve ever wanted but she could snatch it from you. You’re supposed to be able to see things like this coming, Y/N.”

“I do see things coming and I know Marie wouldn’t do that to me,” I quipped.

At that moment, Mom’s eyes bore so deep into me that I didn’t think that anyone could claw them out. Her eyes looked like they were going to bug out of her head at any moment and I could feel my breathing pick up.

“I’m sorry, it just slipped out,” I promised.

It felt like forever until she leaned back in her seat and grabbed her phone.

“Make sure it doesn’t ‘slip out’ again. Now go socialize.”

“I need a minute, Mom, I’ve been socializing since we got here.”

Mom rolled her eyes. “This again.”

“What?”

“Y/M/N, please.”

“No, no, Y/D/N, she is constantly using, what, anxiety to get out of speaking to people. You are always too soft on her and make me look like the bad guy. I’m the one helping her be normal,” Mom snapped. “Anxiety didn’t exist when we were her age, we just did what we had to do, and look where we are now.”

I wondered if Emma ever felt as small as I did in that moment. Then, I wondered if she ever made herself small to hide from people, even her mom. Wordlessly, I left the table and tried to avoid any cameras as the tears burned in the corners of my eyes.

I tried to take deep breaths to calm my trembling chest and keep my throat busy. My chest shifted from trembling to heavy and I started looking around the room.

“I hear one piano…feel two fingers…smell three different alcohols…and see---”

“Y/N, are you okay?” Cate’s voice broke me out of my rhythm and I glanced to see her sitting with Marie and Jordan, who was in their feminine form.

My chest felt much lighter and I quickly wiped away my tears. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Bullshit,” Jordan called gently.

Cate pulled me into a hug and had me sit between her and Marie. “What happened?”

“My parents, well, my mom mostly. I guess I got too anxious for her, and she yelled at me,” I rambled.

Cate smiled softly. “Then you came at the perfect time. We were just talking about our horrible parents.”

My ears perked up. “Really?”

“Well, mine are dead,” Marie commented.

I turned to her and placed my hands on top of hers. “What? I’m so sorry. How did it…”

“I accidentally killed them with my powers,” Marie explained.

“That must have been horrible.”

Marie barely nodded and I squeezed her hands. “I just told my little brother to go away during a camping trip. He never came back and my mom pretty much locked me away,” Cate confessed. “I was seven.”

 “What?” I whispered.

“I killed my grandpa with my powers,” Jordan interjected.

We all turned to her and I cocked my head to the side.

“No, you didn’t,” Cate countered.

Jordan smiled. “You’re right, I was feeling left out.”

I didn’t think that I could laugh the way I did but it felt so nice. At least I had friends again.

When I started sipping on the whiskey Cate stole, I saw a brief image flash before my eyes. There was a guy with curly brown hair covered in dirt running away from several bloody bodies. He paused for a moment and opened his hand, revealing a tiny sleeping Emma. When the vision left, Andre was standing in front of us.

“Seriously?” I complained before he even spoke.