#AND there isn't a psychiatrist anywhere out here who will see me

[fitzselfships]

Sometimes you just need to cry while your partner holds you <3

Proshippers/adjacent dni. 100000 shark attack 🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈🦈 also Zooble self ship doubles dni

[amaya-143]

hello. part two of me ranting about the fear of memory loss in isat. is it that obvious i have autism?

part one was about the kings fear of forgetting. Go read. *clicks my fingers like a cat* go.

disclaimer not a psychiatrist blahh blahhhh u get the idea :p king rant was long, this will be longer. maybe one singular person is as normal as i am about this game and will enjoy. otherwise at least its out of my system and into words

So yeah, the king is afraid of forgetting. Siffrin, however, is afraid of being forgotten.

Siffrin, is late 20s, and just like the king lost the majority of their memories to the island.The people they loved, all that jazz i don't need to write the cinematics again. They too end up in an unfamiliar place, however they end up a rouge. They travel from city to city, never staying anywhere solid, never making any real connections for years (at least as far as we know.) To him, he is just a guy* who lost everything that they knew, and that's that. No point if it'll just happen again. In fact im not even sure if they're aware they're from that island, since I'm pretty sure he learns it ingame. He just exists. Thats it. Their life doesn't matter, doesn't impact anyone. He is forgettable

But then, they meet Mira, Odile, and Isa. Then Bonnie, and when things couldn't get more confusing, he loses an eye for them. The party loves Siffrin, even if they never say it pregame. They appreciate him. And even if Frin doesn't think it directly, they definitely subconsciously believe it pregame. Otherwise, it wouldn't be such a shock when odile says they're colleagues at best. So how can Siffrin go back to his old life? A life on the go, with no connections, nothing but the millisecond bumps into strangers and polite conversations with the clerk at the hotel desk. Nobody to come home to, no one to ask how their day was.

Its like trying chocolate after eating coco beans all your life. Maybe you can tolerate going back to coco beans for a bit, but you'll never forget the chocolate. It'll be something you think about all the time, your thought before sleep takes you, as tiktok would say your 'roman empire'.

So Siffrin cannot let them go back home. He wishes to stay with them. and thus, the loops happen.But after a bit he, quote, 'understands the king more than he'd like to'

He refuses to be forgotten, to have to go back to that life. They've lived the span of their memories being so blindingly forgettable, now someone, some people see them and its so close in his grasp. Isabeau is so close to confessing to him. Mirabelle is so close to her full potential as a housemaiden. Odile is accepting she's more than her roots. And Bonnie, the kid he lost an eye for, disabling him permentantly, HUGGED them. a massive deal for a fella whos been living off small talk and avoiding eye contact for the last 10 years. Just one more loop, if they do it all right then just maybe..

Not here to talk abt the loops. moving on.

After all these people who love him, they don't wanna be forgotten. Trauma isn't just a factor in disorders. Trauma can, and often does create its own reactions. For a real world example, Children who grow up with absent parents often react with avoiding and distancing tendencies, where as children with emotionally unstable parents tend to grow to be anxiously attached to those they love. These aren't disorders, but they are a reaction to the trauma faced and ingraned. Frin's fear of being forgotten is just as much a trauma response as it is a result of the way he lives. Who knows how many people Siffrin forgot in the island. What's stopping him from being like them? What's stopping him from being so forgettable.

Side note, act 5 is next to the Sunny vs Basil fight as my favorite two scenes in games, especially when it comes to imagining/reading about them in other characters povs other than the mains. And bigfrin is my absolute joy in the world. not sorry.

But after loops n loops of trying to prevent it, hearing off handed comments about how bonnie hates them, and how isa will say i love you to anyone except him, Sif's self worth is at an all-time low. They just don't have it in them anymore. They cant do it. we're looking at months of living the same two days over and over. Same lines. Same people. Same events. Years, if you're an insane person who does like 500+ loops. I think most people did like 70-150 though. Siffrin has been reliving this for so long he's begun to find comfort in it. It feels safe. Its boring, its insufferable, yes, but its SAFE. After suffering all those months, they're leaving anyway. They are going home. They will go home and forget Sif and it will all be for nothing. When Odile stops them from looping back, they strike. Either at themselves, or those they love. They would literally rather attack those they've gone through months of suffering just to spend more time with, or attack themselves time after time till it kills them. They'd rather it than risk them all leaving and forgetting him. I don't really have much more to say i guess i just ugh

i love act 5 i love bigfrin and if theres any writers reading this write some act 5 from other party members pov and you will get the juciest kiss.

if you read all this way, congrats!! i diagnose you with autism 💜

*guy is used as a unisex. i know the correct term for siffrin is fella. i went to gender school.

[incorrectclassicbookquotes]

So the Halloween novelization goes into way more back story, and here's the thing, Michael has schizophrenia. His mother tells his grandmother that Michael is hearing voices telling him to hate people. So, to go into more detail on schizophrenia, it usually does not start affecting people until about late teens to early thirties. To have a child with schizophrenia as young as six is very rare and almost unheard of. Now, for adults with schizophrenia who have auditory hallucinations, hearing voices is usually pretty terrifying. This is a quote from an adult who has auditory hallucinations "It's like a fight... for the past 40 years I've had auditory hallucinations in my head, all day every day, and I have to say to them, 'Hey, would you quit stalking me? Don't talk to me — leave me alone!'" Now imagine being a child and voices tell you to hate the people you love. Michael's mother mentioned that it affects his sleep, and he has been wetting the bed. However, when Michael finally does go somewhere where he can be helped, they give him Dr. Loomis, who sees him as evil incarnate. In the book, Michael isn't evil; he's sick and needs help, not someone who refers to him as a monster. Also, I just looked it up, and medication for schizophrenia, known as antipsychotics, was invented in 1952. They had the medication to treat him, and a good psychiatrist would have been able to see the signs that Michael had schizophrenia. Sorry for the rant, but I had to get it out.

Also, disclaimer, people with schizophrenia who experience auditory hallucinations almost never have voices telling them to hurt other people. Sometimes, it can be a noise or music that isn't from anywhere. If it does come in the form of someone talking to them, it would either make them think someone is talking to them or insult them. Sometimes, the voices can even repeat stuff said long ago as if it were happening right now. If it tells them to hurt anything, it's usually telling the person to hurt themselves, not others. This book was published in 1979, so, of course, people had a skewed version of what schizophrenia is.

[wishmemel]

OMGOMG SAFI congrats on 100 ml !! hihii im here to participate in your cute slumber party event ! (i even brought my fave pillow and totoro plushie)

okok soo yk i'm dria 🩵 black / caribbean, around 5'1 (i promise im so close to 5'2 don't @ me haters will hate i drink my milk and eat my veggies) i have huge hair!! like very big hair, too many curls!! it's alot! i love reading, i write plenty of poetry, which is what i use most of my time to do — i lovelove r&b and early 2000s rap music. however, if u open my spotify rn and shuffle my liked songs it would go in order of hip hop, rap, afrobeats, classical music bcus my taste is all over the place. (i also keep a folder of edit audios for my own maladaptive daydreaming purposes lmao)

im rlly a baby blue girlie, fave flowers are tulips (idk my brain js thinks they look yummy), fave season is autumn ofc bcus rainy weather and i have an excuse to stay inside under my blankets 😭 fave animal would beee a black panther or a tabby cat! (my bby bella is a tabby lmao) i love vintage shows (rlly old noir films of all types of genres) i love cinema and visual art it stimulates me sm (im autistic btw i forgot to say mb) i've watched almost every wes anderson film in existence i love soft color palettes in film so bad <3

i enjoy watching old cartoons to relive my childhood nostalgia, jewelry (esp rings i never go anywhere without one or two on), rainy days, late night car drives, baggy shirts, scented candles, afrobeats n anything astronomy related.

im very much a social science n humanities junkie - yearning to be a clinical psychiatrist or complete my dream of teaching literature / psychology. i cry very easily (im js a crybaby istg) - in general im just very very emotional and more often than not i forget common sense and instinct are a thing bcus wtv i feel i just go with it - though i am extremely introverted and freak out when overstimulated in huge crowds and whatnot.

for the event im picking toji bcus that man is the love of my life bye ☹️ the epitome of sunshine and sunshine protector - tiny human and big scary guard dog ! in terms of our compatibility, we're so opposite it's insane! but we balance each other out well. sometimes i have to serve as toji's brain bcus this man is spending money he does not have on all sorts of things for me js cause i looked twice (my sister hced that he'd go below bankrupt buying me sanrio plushies and rings) he works mostly off instinct where i go completely off emotion so we butt heads alot in terms of decision making but he does not know how to tell me no, all i do is sigh once and HES DONE FOR.

i stress this man out like hes my full time babysitter pls

we acc spend alot of time having deep talks about the world and life in general, (i told him ab the backrooms lore and it messed w his head for weeks) which is a side of him he rarely shows to anyone (also he listens to me rant abt daily pop culture developments bcus he lowkey loves the celebrity drama) he's rlly protective, and even moreso bcus of how my anxiety gets. in a crowd this man is standing in front of me and blocking my view of everyone (he also subconsciously pulls me into his side when we're walking in public bcus my autistic ass will see one thing and wander off never to be found again) im always talking like talk talk talking and he pretends he isn't listening but he's literally able to repeat today something i mentioned two weeks ago - he's attentive, shows his love through actions rather than words. if i even make a face that gives away that im uncomfortable being somewhere, or my social battery is dead, hes taking me home no questions asked not a care as to who says what.

im an affection junkie - physical touch is my thing ! and hes so big! so im always pouncing on him for bear hugs and he acts so unimpressed and cocky abt it like "oh you missed me? im not goin anywhere relax" but he acc melts bcus when was the last time someone gave him affection?? he prob thinks im a figment of his imagination lolol

days off / dates would mainly be : window shopping, grocery runs, sitting in the park at sunset, indoor ramen dates n movie marathons and cuddles !!

AHHH sorry if i ranted way too much omg i can't wait to see what you do safi, i'll love anything u write ily so baddd <33

note: hihi dria, thanks for bringing your fave pillow and your totoro plush to the slumber party.

dria x toji — ꒰ tojria

“in this space right here that we have made for each other, you can say anything and i will not abandon you. unwrap the worst things you have done. watch me hold them up to the light and not even flinch.”

height differences, cinnamoroll x badtz maru, protective touches, 3 am conversations about life, romantic picnics at sunset, shopping together, opposites attract, shy x protective, princess treatment, introvert x introvert, buckling your seatbelt for you, tired bf x hyper gf, teasing remarks, day x night, accidental eye contact, blushing, midnight walks, late night phone calls, giddiness, sunshine x sunshine protector, stealing his clothes, late night drives, deleted texts, holding hands under the table, "mean to everyone but her" bf, head pats, she fell first, he fell harder.

being with toji is not always as seamless or easy as you make it look. He's gruff and protective and difficult and incredibly stubborn. like that time you two fought because he was ignoring what you were saying and he flat-out refused to acknowledge your demand when you called him out on it. to be fair, he'd come home after an eight-hour shift and you'd started talking his head off, but it wouldn't kill him to listen. he wasn't paying attention when you were talking about that new hello kitty cafe with the fun milkshakes and the mini donuts that you wanted to try. hell, he ended up falling asleep on your shoulder after brushing off your argument and as much as you wanted to remain angry at him, you'd softened immediately upon seeing his tired face, all eyebags and troubled frown. and he did make it up to you later by taking you to said cafe and proving that he had been listening, though when you brought it up to him, he pretended not to know what you were talking about. but deep down he cares for you and he's trying — you know he's trying and you don't want to make him feel bad for things he can't control. a lot of the concerns you should bring up to him, you don't — you want this relationship to be easy and safe. you want him to feel comfortable with you the same way that you feel comfortable with him. even if sometimes he comes home with a busted lip and bloody knuckles and sends your heart skidding against your ribcage. but what matters is that he comes to you first and he comes home to you. so you know that no matter what, no matter how he's feeling, if he thinks he can talk to you or not, he'll always come home to you. and even if you doubt his commitment sometimes, he knows that you're home to him and he'll do anything to keep it that way.

NOW PLAYING

the way i loved you, enchanted, daylight, afterglow, how you get the girl, treacherous, sparks fly, so it goes...

join safi's perfect slumber party event — requests are open for everyone!

[stimmingbabie]

My Take On Self DXing

Disclaimer: My definition of self diagnosing is putting in A LOT of time into researching, trying to get a professional diagnosis *first and foremost*, among other elements. Not just looking at the top 3 traits of a disorder and saying "that's me!", that is not recommended and I do not condone that! Please be safe <3

I'm making this post because I've gotten some comments here and there of people using my posts as a reason to self diagnose/suspect autism, BPD, etc (whatever else I post about). I do *not* condone using my posts as a tool for this, as this blog is all about my *personal* experiences with being neurodivergent. Everyone is so vastly different and I do not represent everyone with these disorders! However, as someone who has self diagnosed before getting professionally diagnosed (and still haven't been professionally diagnosed with them all!), I understand the need for an identity and an explanation for your experiences. So here's some reasons I support self diagnosing, some tips, and some warnings.

Why I support self diagnosing

Mental health care in certain locations are absolutely horrible. Where I live, mental health care is...very limited. The professionals in my area are trained in very few areas, mainly depression and anxiety, and are trained to do very specific types of therapies, medications etc. For example, in the ER I was given a xanax for a panic attack, and this worked wonders for me, however when going to a psychiatrist I was told they don't prescribe those on the off chance that someone will get addicted. Because of this, my anxiety has been overlooked and I've been given medications that did not work and has even given me a bad reaction. Needless to say, I stopped going to psych appointments. (I don't recommend this for everyone! This is just a personal experience).

Insurance isn't always an option. Without insurance, you will be paying out of pocket for evaluations, therapies and treatments. Even a diagnosis. An autism diagnosis here out of pocket is anywhere from $1k USD to $6k USD in most places for adults! That includes the two part evaluation and then having it on paper. I have what's called a pending diagnosis of autism, which means that I was given a basic screening (thankfully for free, but it costs $500 out of pocket on average here!), and the results were that I am very highly likely on the spectrum, but I can't afford to continue with the evaluation. So my health care team knows that I am autistic but will not put it on paper, therefore I can't get any accommodations with my insurance, and any accommodation that I need has to be listed for "anxiety", which my insurance doesn't see as a big enough problem in an adult to cover things for.

Being professionally diagnosed is a privilege. A lot of mental health professionals have a bias, and this is an unfortunate truth. Racism, sexism, classism, and even fatphobia play a huge part in how you're treated by the health care system, including mental health care. For example, if a healthy, average white cis man goes in and explains his symptoms and can afford to pay whether it be through insurance or out of pocket, he will be taken much more seriously than someone who is not any of the above.

Why I don't support certain self diagnosing disorders

A self diagnosis is not anywhere close to a substitution for a professional diagnosis. You will not get the proper therapy, treatment, or accommodations necessary by self diagnosing. You also won't be taken seriously by professionals if you walk into their office and say that you have a disorder, because their next question will be if you have documentation of the diagnosis. If you are suffering from a severe mental illness such as schizophrenia or borderline personality disorder, you will likely need treatment and therapy if at all possible. If you are able to get this, please do!! Do not suffer alone!!

Some disorders have overlapping symptoms...autism included. While I support self diagnosing autism to an extent, you have to realize that autism in a person who does not have high support needs will more often than not look very similar to ADHD, OCD etc etc. Autism being a spectrum can make it look like so many different things in so many different people. Someone with autism may be hyperverbal, able to read tone of voice and emotions with ease, and be outgoing, which are all traits that are not inherently apart of autism.

If you do not have *insert disorder that you self diagnosed*, you may be spreading misinformation. Many mental illnesses are already so stigmatized. Regardless of if YOU think that YOU have this disorder and that YOUR experiences are part of it, if you're wrong you may be adding to the stigma. For example, there are a lot of people who fake tourettes, dissociative identity disorder, etc. and this is very dangerous to people who actually suffer from these conditions. When self diagnosing please be mindful of others when you post about it publicly and be sure to specify that you are self diagnosed if you do! This is not meant to be mean or make you feel any less valid. Your experiences, regardless of your disorder or label, is 100% valid and you deserve to be taken seriously. But you have to realize that your words have impact on others.

"Tips" for self diagnosing

Don't! If you can easily get a professional diagnosis. See above points for why.

If you do, put in the research! This doesn't mean look up "autism spectrum disorder" on Google and look at the first 3 symptoms and decide that you resonate. Look up how it is professionally diagnosed, what the DSM-5 criteria is, and speak with/watch content creators, friends, family etc that have been diagnosed!

Take note of the different variations in different individuals. Do not watch one YouTube channel of a person with *insert disorder* and think that they represent the entire community. They do not. Not one single person represents an entire community, this goes for any, mental illnesses, physical illnesses, etc. If you know one person with autism you know one person with autism.

Research other conditions that are similar. You think you're autistic? Cool, research it as stated above! But don't forget to research ADHD, OCD, and other disorders that have overlapping symptoms! And yes, it is possible to have multiple, which is another reason why self diagnosing can be tricky.

ABOVE ALL ELSE: LISTEN TO THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN PROFESSIONALLY DIAGNOSED AND TO PROFESSIONALS!

There is no shame in telling someone, especially a therapist, that you think you have a disorder. What will likely happen is that the more you fight for yourself and your concerns the more you will be taken seriously and possibly given an opportunity to get a screening. The worst that will happen is that you'll self diagnose and get it wrong, but possibly be properly diagnosed! You know yourself better than anyone. Regardless of what label you have, you are valid, you are loved and you will be okay. If you ever have any questions or concerns, please feel free to reach out to me! I'm here for you!

For transparency, this is my situation:

Autism - pending diagnosis, see above ADHD - diagnosed PTSD - diagnosed Dissociative identity disorder - diagnosed, previously self diagnosed Borderline personality disorder - sort of pending. was told by a therapist that it seems more likely that I have BPD than bipolar disorder, but it was never screened. self diagnosed Bipolar type 1 with psychosis - diagnosed, mixed beliefs from different professionals, personally undiagnosed Eating disorder - diagnosed (will not elaborate, am in recovery!)

[autismtana]

santana lopez has adhd (part 2)

^the adhd/lesbian flags^

(*disclaimer: i have adhd myself and work in education/educational psychology, which is the basis of this post in which i get wayyyyy too analytical about a fictional character; however, i'm not a psychiatrist or doctor and am not qualified to diagnose real people with adhd or anything else ... seriously, our only representation is cis white boys whose adhd is an explanation for them being the class clown and treated as a joke so please don't get salty at me for claiming a fictional character that isn't a cis white boy as part of the adhd gang)

(credit to @dojasrivera on twitter for making the og adhd!santana thread; i unfortunately wasn’t able to see it as i only found out about it after their original twitter account got suspended but there may be some overlap between their thread and this post)

sup homies, as you know, tumblr cut me off so i had to make a part 2. (here's part 1)

ambitious but lacking in direction - noted terrible educator will schuester describes santana as being "unfocused" in 3x16.  she's indecisive about college in the latter half of season 3, initially says she wants to go then flip-flops, and then goes to louisville (fun fact: donovan mitchell also went there) for a short period of time then drops out.  after that she has a bunch of projects and career goals that never really go anywhere. (partially thanks to the lazy writing on the show)

fear of failure - santana wanted to go to new york after graduation but initially wanted to stay behind when she found out brittany wasn't graduating (like immediately), then chose to take the scholarship to louisville despite brittany and quinn both pointing out that she had the cash from her parents to pursue her dreams in new york (brittany was a lot more supportive and less judgy though). she did end up going after unpacking her anxiety around it with britt though.

low self-esteem, anxiety and/or depression - season 2 is what i like to refer to as "santana lopez's sad gay era", however i'd also argue that season 4 until mid season 5 (when she reunites with brittany) is kind of a low period for her as well.  the break-up is painful for both of them.  they're one another's safe people so when they don't have each other in close proximity, both of them experience depression.  i would also consider her demeanour at the beginning of 5x09 as an example of her exhibiting signs of depression. santana also experiences a lot of anxiety around her interpersonal relationships (pretty much all of season 2, 4x16, 5x09-5x13); in 5x18 it's very apparent that she's scarred by the experience with auditioning for rachel's understudy part and doesn't want to intrude on mercedes (thankfully, mercedes is awesome, we love mercedes jones here, themostrandomfandom does a great job of analysing this storyline here). it's also worth noting that despite how clumsily she goes about things, santana lopez is the most loyal, ride-or-die person on this damn show (she's definitely a gryffindor or hufflepuff who thinks she's a slytherin despite my less than positive thoughts on the transphobic lady's book series, or - in the context of the superior book series - a mary anne who thinks she’s a claudia) but the only acknowledgement she gets is shame, so she internalises it to give people an "out" ("I'm numb to people's feelings", "I have no heart").

can be easily distracted (while also hyperfocused on other things) - has a tendency to zone out of conversations (credit to @santanaslawyer on twitter) and couldn't remember her locker combo around brittany (although some of that could have also been santana being in her sad gay era and pining over britt)

narrow window of tolerance - santana was completely done with everyone's shit like all the time

strong sense of justice - homegirl uses her bitch powers to protect the people she cares about (see 2x17, 3x11, 5x18). other people aren't allowed to make fun of her mates, that's her job, dammit! she's also proactive in reporting mr schuester's lack of efficiency as a spanish teacher not because she dislikes him (which she doesn't; she might roll her eyes at him all the time but she does actually like him as a person) but because his teaching promotes offensive stereotypes, harms her and negatively affects everyone's education (and to her credit she is way more patient and charitable to him than he deserves when he literally chastises her in front of everyone for doing it). she will also challenge authority in situations where she is being held to a different standard to others. in 3x07, when figgins is considering suspending santana, she pushes back against it (rightfully so) because she doesn't understand how there isn't a zero-tolerance policy for violence when finn and puck get into it in the middle of school, or when the glee club get slushied, or when kurt is repeatedly physically assaulted by karofsky, but she slaps finn (after he outed her) and this policy suddenly exists. same applies in 3x13 when finn and rachel are allowed to have very graphic PDAs at school with no complaint from the authorities, but santana and brittany have one chaste peck and it's the end of the world, and she rightfully tells figgins that there's a double standard.

(really random) hyperfixations - it's a popular glee headcanon that santana spends a lot of time researching random shit on wikipedia (which she probably did the night before her wedding so she could explain to britt about the superstition around the bride/groom not seeing each other before the wedding) based on the absolute batshit cultural references she comes out with. she makes the most random cultural references (e.g. comparing rory to the great gazoo, which is a really random side-character from the flintstones), and has somewhat of a fascination with lizards (2x04, 2x12).  she also just randomly made an entire voodoo doll of rachel berry just for shits and giggles, like … wtf

lack of spatial awareness - so this one's mostly just naya rivera's physical comedy, but ... in the nicest possible way ... santana's a tad bit unco, isn't she? (see: her very charming wacky inflatable arm-waving tube person dancing in 3x08, the scene where she literally walks headfirst into a balloon in 3x22 and the scene in 5x17 where she gets attacked by pigeons).

hyperactive - santana's abuela put her in ballet classes because she was "such a tomboy and it really pissed [her] dad off"; obviously we know she had a mullet and dressed up as uncle jesse from full house for halloween (and she knows how to tie a tie, thanks again sarah) - those are obviously aesthetic things but "tomboy" can also be code for "hyperactive" in afab people (particularly if santana's grandmother was of the "children should be seen and not heard" generation).

[aroworlds]

Sorry that this isn't aro-related, and you have every right not to answer it because of that, but do you have any advice for getting over 'I suck at writing' days?

Oh, anon, you mean like every day ofmy life? Seriously, I’m an insecure, anxious, depressed, avoidant, perfectionisticcreative, so I’m operating in an eternal state of “I suck at writing”irrespective of reality–and the thing here is that reality is irrelevant.I have a full host of lying brain demons that are trying with enthusiasm tokeep me from writing!

My first recommendation is to tryand get your head into the best space you can. If it means medication ortherapy, pursue it as much as is possible. If there’s a diagnosis you’repondering, follow it up. Followers on this blog are seeing me as a person whodoes things, but that’s been a recent change: I’ve been able to publish storiesover the last nine months because I got a good psychiatrist and a medicationchange. Before that, I spent about eighteen months where it was all I could doto post the odd chapter or blog post, and before that I spent a yearposting nothing because I was having severe, disabling panic attacks over just randomblog posts. It’s taken me three and a half years to get from complete collapseto the me of today, and I’m still struggling to do so many things.

Most of us who deeply struggle withcreative output from anxiety or insecurity have reasons. Maybe we don’t yetrecognise our illnesses or history, or maybe we tell ourselves that they’re tooinsignificant to stifle us the way they do, but that’s another set of lies. Wehave reasons that are so strong they’re stopping us from creating, and themore we can name and acknowledge these reasons, the better off we’ll be. Get to know the lying demonsinside your brain if you’re not already acquainted with them, because they might be more severe than is normal. Mine were.

My second recommendation might lookdisheartening, so hold with me. Those lying brain demons aren’t going away. They will always make things difficult. Writing for me, in terms of belief andself-confidence, is never going to get easier enough that it feels easy.I can now force my arse to sit on that chair more often, but I don’t workwithout constant periodic panic attacks, avoidance behaviours and suicidalideation. I just don’t.

As creatives and as writers, we’re supposedto say profound things that come from our being vulnerable while hiding ourfears and uncertainties about it, and that impossible dichotomy silences us. Fearand insecurity and self-hate and anxiety as part of being creative is sonormal, anon, and it damages us that this normal thing is still sounvoiced. It’s not about making the demons go away, because they’re never goingto leave. Medication might soften their voices if they’re extremely loud, and therapy might make them alittle easier to work with, but they’re always going to be there, and that’s normal. This sounds soheartless, but once you look the lying brain demons in the eyes and acceptthat they’re not going anywhere, it’s so much easier to work despite them. Because this is a normal part of beingcreative.

The thing that has always kept megoing is a sense of why. In my writing course, I had everyonetelling me that I was so lucky (as an openly queer, trans person) because Iknew what I was writing and why. When I had teachers telling me there was noway they could remember my pronouns, I wasn’t feeling so lucky, but there isa real strength to marginalisation in the motivation it provides. Knowing I amautistic and aromantic has been amazing in terms of motivation, becauseI can look at the lack of media and see the need to fill that hole, however imperfectlyI might do it.

Every creative has something profoundto offer, every single one, and you’re all necessary to the creative canon weare building. I also know that all creativity is imperfect. But it is easier, speakingas a raging perfectionist, for me to accept my work as imperfect when Ican identify a strong need for its existence. I will tell someone else that isokay to create imperfectly, and I believe it without hesitation for anyone butme. My own creative worth is evaluated on a much crueller scale, though, so I latch onto the need. It will be better if I can learn to bekinder to myself, but in themeantime I am writing because I see a sense of my work’s worth that isoutside the binary of imperfect/perfect. This feels more honest to me than self-esteem-relatedreassurances that my lying brain demons file away as nonsense.

Anon, if you can, I’d try to answerthese questions:

What stories do I want to tell?

What genres do I enjoy writing orwish to write?

How often do I feel myself to beincluded in narrative?

How often do I feel myself to becentred and celebrated in narrative?

How often do I feel myself to beincluded, centred and/or celebrated in narratives of my chosen genres?

Which experiences/identities I wishto include in my stories?

Which experiences do I never see instories about my identities?

Which experiences do I wish to seewritten differently in stories about my identities?

Which kinds of characters do I wishto include in my stories?

Which kinds of characters do I neversee in stories about my identities?

Which kinds of characters do I wishto see written differently in stories about my identities?

Which experiences/identities do Ihave that I never see written together in the one character?

Which experiences/identities do Ihave that could be better written together in the one character?

How many times do I see multiplecharacters of my identities together in the same story?

How many times do I see storiesabout characters like me that are all about my identities?

How many times do I see storiesabout characters like me that are hardly about my identities?

How many times do I see storiesabout characters like me that are written by creators of thoseexperiences/identities?

What ideas do I have that I neversee in narratives about me?

What ideas do I have that I see innarratives about me that can be further pushed or explored?

This is about getting to know whoyou are, what you want to write, why you want to write and where your writingfits in the creative canon, so you too can go here’s the irrefutableevidence for why I must do this, as imperfect as my words are.

In terms of structuring how you goabout your writing and how you look at it, I do have a few tricks for that,too.

The first is routine or regularity. Setaside a certain time each day and make that your writing time. If you’re likeme and suck at routines, forcing yourself to write something each day stillworks. The more you write, the easier it is to write: discipline does slightly lessenthe hate and panic over time. It takes a long time to develop, but it does happen, even with a squirrellyautistic mind like mine. Additionally, writing begets writing in the same waycreativity begets creativity. The more you do of it, the more often it’llnaturally flow for you, and when the writing flows, when I’m in the zone, I’m so much less focused onjudging it. You can make the zonehappen more frequently by writing regularly.

If you only manage one sentence ortwo words, that still counts. You sat down, you thought about writing, you didsomething. This still builds the habit. Anythingcounts.

The second is giving yourself spaceto switch projects. I’m working on a hundred things at once, which has itsdrawbacks in getting things done, but the benefit is that if I think one storyis abominable, I move to another project. Blog post, another short storyor serial chapter, cover design in Photoshop, editing the novel I’ve beenworking on for five years, sewing. It’s better if it’s another writing orwriting-related piece, but any kind of creative activity works. Cook. Draw.Just take your hate away and make something else.

By shifting to another writingproject, I’m teaching my brain the habit of responding to hate and insecurityby writing anyway, but I’m working on something I’m regarding more positivelyas opposed to forcing myself to handle the piece that is stressing me. I’vealways been able to come back to the thing that triggered me later when I’ve workedon something else long enough to calm, collect and distract myself. Anycreative activity, though, still sets up a response of positive creation inresponse to hate, which forms a habit over time—and it becomes easier toredirect my thoughts away from my writingis terrible I don’t deserve to live to creative output.

Please know that thisis a long-term process. It’s taken me a few years to really get a handle onthis, and for a long time I was only able to manage non-writing creative thingsin response to hate cycles/triggers. But it has gotten me to a point where I can morereliably write, sometimes even on the work that triggered me, after my brain hasstarted digging a my writing is worthlessand why do I even bother hole.

The third is acknowledging all theways in which my work is supposed to be awful. For one, my older pieces are supposed to make me cringe, because thatmeans I’m learning and growing, so older pieces aren’t any useful metric of mycreative worth. For another, my firstdrafts are supposed to be awful. Following drafts are about taking thatnonsense and giving it meaning, but I’ve got to have something to work with,and so these are also not a metric of my creative worth. I respond much better tothis than “my writing isn’t terrible, actually” affirmations. Permission tosuck gives my brain demons less fuel for the fight.

Lastly, redrafting and editing canhelp, but I think this is a redirection best for when you’ve got a bit ofpractice in turning from self-hate to another expression of creativity, soconsider this a 102 level trick. If you’re too far into hating your work, redraftingand editing—which points out so many flaws—can make you hate your work evenmore. However, redrafting and editing, improving my work, can give mereassurance that I can take something that seems so awful in the first draftand make it more readable, that it doesn’t have to be perfect the first timearound. I can often come awayfeeling good about a piece that mildly provoked my hate for my work just by editing it. Thisis also another creative response to hate, too!

Anon, I wish I had a way to makethose lying brain demons go away, because everything I’ve said here is hard.I will stress, though, that your creativity is valuable, your words are needed,and things like punctuation or grammar or style or word-choice are not theworth of your storytelling. You don’t need to be polished and perfect to beloved by your audience. You’ve just got to tell a story that is as real to youas you can make it. Your message is what matters. Everything elseis irrelevant. Everything. Even if you can’t disbelieve your lying braindemons, like me, recognising them for what they are helps.

Lastly, I’ll say this: you’re goingto have days when the demons win. Those lying bastards will win, and they’llwin a lot more than is good for you. That’sokay. Sometimes we can try everything above and we still can’t work pastthe doubt and the hate. Sometimes we write one sentence and that’s it. Sometimes we surrender entirely,curl up in bed and watch a movie, because we’re human and that’s all we can do,and that’s okay. If you try again,the next day or the next week or even the next month, that’s all that matters. Yoda’sadvice might work for Luke, but when you can’t actually do, please just try: trying builds the habit.Trying and failing gets you further than not trying at all.

Permission to fail and permission tokeep trying is what keeps me going. It doesn’t move me as fast as I think Ishould be, but it does get words on thepage. And that’s the only thing that matters.

[stimtoybox]

So I'm an adult (21) and inthe last few months more and more I think I might be autistic?? I've learned a lot from the community but I have no clue how to go about getting a professional diagnosis. I'm in Canada if that makes a difference? Sorry if this isn't the blog to ask! I've been googling a lot but the sites that come up are all very a$-ish and idk which ones to trust for info

Hey, anon! It’s not a worry. We talk about ND things in addition to cool stim toys. Go you, by the way, for the scary things of self-exploration and taking the step of seeking a diagnosis!

(I’ll remind everyone, of course, that a professional diagnosis isn’t required for full participation in the autistic community. The vast majority of us are fine with self-dx or even just questioning.)

This is hard, in the sense that it how it works depends an awful lot on your region and financial situation, and there’s a lot of different possibilities for how you might go about this. I’m going to try to speak generally (my Aussie may show a lot) but I really encourage our Canadian followers to reblog or comment with their country-specific information and experiences. They’ll be so much more useful to you.

I’ll note that I have no idea how health insurance works anywhere not Australia, so I’m not going to touch that part at all.

The first problem is that there often aren’t a lot of psychiatrists/specialists who diagnose autism in adults, and finding one close to you might be difficult. The second problem is that if you can’t afford to go private, you’ve got even more difficulty. A diagnosis is an adult isn’t an easy thing to get, especially if you’re regional and/or don’t have money.

This is a long post, anon, so I’ve written a dot-point summary and tucked the wordier version under a read more cut.

Summary:

- Gather written information that validates and supports your feeling that you’re autistic, including a ticked-off copy of the diagnostic criteria and discussion of your own experiences.

- Research possible options for assessment in your area, including private psychiatrists who assess adults, local government clinics and university student-training clinics.

- Contact your psychologist, if you have one, for support, information, advice and scripting. If your psychologist works in a specialist mental health clinic, especially a government-funded clinic, this may be enough to get you referred for an assessment.

- Contact your GP/family doctor for referral if not referred via the above. Your GP may or may not have resources for a specialist who assesses adults, which which is why I strongly recommend researching it yourself.

- If you’re not referred to a government service (in which case, at least here in Australia, the GP files the referral and they contact you with details for an appointment) contact the specialist and make your appointment.

The first thing to do is arm up. Print off the diagnostic checklists and tick off where they apply to your situation. Write down a list of all your experiences that you think are explained by autism. Write down why you think a diagnosis would be beneficial to you (school or employer support, say) as this will discourage people from the “well, you may be autistic but the label won’t help you” or “I really don’t like labels” comments. Put together a folder (paper is easier to show to others, often) and keep all these papers together. This means you won’t forget to mention things when you’re doing the stressful thing of trying to tell people why you want a diagnosis.

(This is especially important for anyone who isn’t a white cis boy and might be autistic in ways that don’t involve train monologues. Allistics still don’t have a good understanding of what autism looks like outside of the white cis boy population, and can often be reluctant to diagnose on this basis. It’s not right that you have to do all this, of course, but it can help.)

On this point, don’t assume that they’ll notice everything about you that is autism. If you’re going with a public psychiatrist who just makes assessments/evaluations, you might end up with only a couple of hours with someone who doesn’t dig too deeply. (The kinds of assessments and how you’re assessed can vary widely between one professional and another. Some take several sessions; some give you a quiz and call it done!) If you go in knowing what you want to explore and the reasons why, and present this information, you’re far more likely to get the diagnosis you want. Speaking as someone who’s been through a few general assessments - I didn’t know what I was there for or what I wanted them to diagnose, and the end result was that they diagnosed nothing more specific than “probably Cluster C”. Go in knowing what you need and why you need it. You might not have to lead them down the path, but it’s always good knowing that you can should it be necessary. If I could do my assessments again, this is the one thing I’d do differently.

You can and should take the time here to Google psychiatrists and other neuro-type specialists who assess autism in adults in your area, if you can afford a private clinician and are looking to go that way. Your GP may have to do this anyway, because most of their resources are probably for p-docs focusing on autistic children! If you come prepared with this information, it helps a lot. You can also check out university clinics, as many offer no or low-cost services for student training, which might be more affordable for you. You often do not have to be a student to access this, but if you are, there’s also student-specific services available to you by most universities, so it might be worth exploring this to see if they offer assessments, too. University clinics are probably your best option if you can’t find or afford a local specialist that assesses adults.)

The third thing to do is approach a therapist/psychologist if you have one. If you’re talking to a therapist or a psychologist, you’ll probably be told to go to your GP for a referral (that is the case here in Australia, at least) but they may be able to provide more resources for where your GP can refer you, affirm your suspicions, help you script conversations or provide general support, so if you have one, and you trust them to be supportive and understanding (not all psychologists are), it’s often worth talking to them first. Basically, you’re saying you think you may be autistic, these are the reasons why and what do they think about a referral to a psychiatrist who assesses/diagnoses autism in adults. If you think your GP might be reluctant, having the backing of your therapist can help - just ask them to write a letter to send to your GP.

(If you’re with a psychologist who works in a clinic like a community/government psychology service, your psychologist may be able to direct you to the staff p-doc or arrange an assessment with them, no GP involvement at all. This is how I got my BPD assessment that became a surprise autism assessment.)

The third thing is to talk to your GP/family doctor/primary care physician, same conversation as above. If your GP listens to you, you’ll either be given a referral and contact details for a private clinician, the university clinic or put forwards for an assessment with a government clinic, depending on what options your GP has. After that, either through making an appointment yourself or waiting for the clinic to contact you, you should have an appointment with someone capable of diagnosing.

(I’ll say here: if your GP doesn’t listen to you, get another GP, seriously. Don’t hesitate on this. My original family GP told me, a suicidal person in crisis with chronic pain on WorkCover who couldn’t work, that I didn’t need a psychologist or meds; I just needed to get another job. Needless to say, I don’t see him anymore - five years later, it’s hard not to be aware of just how close I came to dying because of that comment. I just say this to highlight the fact that there are some awful medical professionals out there, people guilty of criminal malpractice, and their unwillingness to support you does not invalidate your need for said support. My GP couldn’t diagnose my depression; he surely never saw my autism. Doesn’t mean neither were there, because they were and are.)

Now, there may be a few or many local differences, so I hope some Canadians can correct me on anything that’s wildly out of place. But the above is a jumble of possibilities based on several experiences I’ve had with psychiatrists and assessments and experiences friends have had with psychiatrists and assessments, all here in Australia.

I hope this gives you some idea of how things work, anon. Good luck. We’re all crossing our fingers here that you get the support and diagnosis you’re hoping for - and we’ll all welcome you here as one of us even if you don’t.

- Mod K.A.

[the-firebird69]

And no your a joke mac's. See...sign in English. No. In china they are not. Not even in Hong Kong all are in Chinese

Zues Hera

He's our friend you see and he put it mildly no you can see right there this is your crap is your idiots out front and these are the people that are doing it right here and that's them going over there and causing a problem and coming here and causing a problem they're making all this noise and saying all the stuff about themselves getting themselves killed and hit and go out and do it again and it's like a new one too most of the time or new brain and they're complete idiots you can't see you doing this means no we see you doing this we can't stand you doing this you have to stop what you doing is failing you complete boobs people point out stuff like that and it goes right to you and you get nailed what is wrong with you you sound so dumb

Wie

Of course it's your country and you defend it and we see his point it's in the English and it's not an English anywhere else and it really isn't the point is that's a joint venture and we say that

Mike

It is not a joint venture and the building is a piece of crap that you put there recently and it has English words in our buildings do not and we don't join venture with you you idiot where enemies you moron we're in a firefight and you come in and you're sitting in the building let me tell you we're going to come in and get you you just sit there and we come in and get you we told you not to come here and you keep doing it and we keep grabbing you what's wrong with you you're insane we're in firefights all the time let's see all the time and you just sitting there like nothing's going on you're ridiculously ignorant

Wie

We use it then it has our stuff on it and we're going to blame you because you don't have proof were there cuz you keep on pulling us out

Mike

You're insane we pull you out you're the evidence you're sticking on trial then we'll shove you on trial in front of the whole world you need to keep coming we can just keep killing you and when the trials going on we'll have like four or five diversions in and out the door you go to the restroom we'll bring a new one in you're insane Mike you all look the same talk the same have the same skin you're an idiots

Wie

First off you don't know what you're talking about that's not our building secondly we're not in China how about that one

Mike

We'll film you from the building all the way to court all the way to the Hague or record what you're saying and refill me from the airport pulling in and we'll film our police monitoring you because you're here illegally understand your trespassing you force the building here you have absolutely no right to be here we kicked you out because you keep trying to use germ warfare on it's like you keep trying on his so he kicked you out there's a whole bunch of places you listen is not being able to go and we see a list he says well you know you're a bunch of assholes you should be allowed to go here because you sit here trying to poison each other and a bunch of b****** and I didn't know that but you're a bunch of assholes you go around after each other all the time no one can stand you cuz you're freaking losers the question is very simple we pull you out you're a white guy you have white transmissions you have white man papers if you can't figure it out go Google

Wie

Wait a minute did we waste our freaking time yes is it our fault yes so what we're doing it okay

Mike

Yes Mike but you don't understand and apparently you don't care because you're kind of an idiot whose poisoning himself the diet soda of all things but you're getting rid of all your people and you keep blaming me and you're the one doing it and others here and it's really not admirable and it's not a plan you're just like a mental patient and if you go over there and you slander them or us or your own it's all recorded and everything you do is over there is recorded everything you do following me around your characters were following me around when I was forced over there was recorded because they don't want to get into a war be they want to get out of it it's all sorts of real math that you don't care about like you go over there and try and use germ warfare and try and screw him every time you go over there and it doesn't matter it's what you say to yourself what they say is we're going to kill you because you're committing an act of war and they're legally correct in in trying to pursue eliminating you it's an article of war if you don't understand it like you said Google it stop being such a f****** prick and moron like your father the f****** huge a****** he doesn't have any legs to stand on he's running around and people are like hitting them all the time blowing your brains out because of what you're doing what you're doing is highly illegall

Zues Hera

I don't really have a way of answering this everybody is so hostile here and stupid to each other so you go over there with this idiot routine and we keep doing it because we weren't told now we're told they don't want to keep seeing it they don't want the newspaper they don't have to go to the Hague and jam our facing it they just want us out of there and stop doing it and let's face it we go over there just die it's kind of a pain in the ass

Mike

Okay so you admitted and then some way you may think that it's stupid and you might think you probably shouldn't go there but you probably will because you're like an addict and you always get caught and it's grotesque you people are grotesque with stupid and I want to know why it used to be these rulers and leaders of the whole place they're coming here just dying like frogs on the pond

Wie

We are starting to see something not many people respect us because we die in droves and back in his day in the 80s if they discovered it half of us got away the building would be vacant up to now and nobody would go there it was a smart society and we have a stupid one now we are responsible for it don't know what we can do about it he says it's very simple everyday very very simple it's extremely simple and we can't figure it out and says this is where we are we're in the mental facility the people who run mental facilities like half the guy over here mingle people mango they take your life and they mangle it and they ruin what you're trying to do and they ruin things and they shrink you and shrink and shrink it feels and sounds like wasting away but it's drinking they don't care and Mac used to have a plan that was interwoven with it now everybody is a psychotic a****** some sort of half-assed almost would be killer here and frankly you've got the whole world on this medicine they're nuts and in China it was not prevalent in China they didn't encourage the psychiatry as much and it was because of communism and they probably wiped them out their own psychiatrist too they take them out and shoot him and burn them they did to tons of you cuz your stupid retard s*** you're right on circles all day long a bunch of moronic like a moronic mental patients

Zues Hera

It was not as much of it here it was a bunch but not then we found corky sounds just like him and he's an idiot he died and he's right you people run around circles doing this gobbledygook while he's sitting here going well you don't mind if I take this and your mouth open and then you quiet and then you complain and then you just fat freaking supervillain who does everything it really you're a bunch of liars and losers and you're ruining life for everybody they can get away with it as long as you're this huge pile of insulation you have to cut through it's like shopping through a whole bunch of fat with them with a small knife to try and get in there it's horrible you're so freaking dumb he's got businesses everywhere getting angry

Wie