Things You Knew
Javi Gutierrez x Reader
Rating: M
Words: 8k
AN: This is my submission for @burntheedges roll-a-trope challenge and @auteurdelabre trope-off. Apologies for doubling up on challenges but it's been a pretty insane month at work. Anyway. I chose Javi G as I've never written for him before, and my trope was Soulmates. This was really fun to write and I hope you enjoy!
Warnings: None
Your ankles crinkled in their sockets when you stretched them, and you didn’t want to think about what it meant, so you didn’t. You rolled your shoulders, feeling the way the tendons strained under the weight of keeping your head up. It wasn’t even that working for Javi was that hard – he was a kind boss, generous with his time and respectful of yours – it was just that his relentless quest had started to take its toll on all your other tasks. Tasks that were mounting up without his attention.
‘Mr Gutierrez…’ you started, your arms full of binders and your iPad balanced precariously on top, ‘you have a meeting with the executive producers this afternoon…’
‘Cancel it, and it is Javi, please. You know this, Cariño.’
He was good looking enough that you didn’t mind the pet name, or that he’d bestowed it upon you the moment he saw you on your first day in the job, seven and a half months ago. Now, though, it grated on you as he strode past you standing patiently at his office door.
‘They’ve said that if you don’t show up this time the deal is off, Mr Gutierrez,’ you tried again, following behind him as he made his way down the hall to the front door. Your heels clacked on the marble in a way that announced your arrival well before you had any intention of making it, and you hated that you were unable to move silently through his house.
‘They can say whatever they want to. They do not understand I’m on a quest,’ he said, talking to you over his shoulder as his longer legs carried him. You sighed, the sorrowful little sound of it stopping him in his tracks. You took a step back as he rounded on you.
‘Como, Cariño?’ he asked, his brows saddled in concern. ‘Do you work too late? Do you carry too many things? Look at all these…’ he tutted at you as he took the binders from your arms, all labelled neatly in your script; the names of his various projects, ledgers, budgets, a contract he still hadn’t read let alone signed. ‘Who makes you carry these, hmm?’ he said, grinning at you slightly as you secured your face in a disapproving glare.
‘My boss,’ you said, but fighting a grin.
‘What a monster he must be,’ Javi said, winking at you. You felt the heat crawling up your cheeks, and hated yourself for it. You had noticed long ago that his voice, when it was just the two of you, was softer, quieter, that he almost whispered to you such that sometimes you found yourself leaning closer into his orbit just to pick up the words. You felt the fizzle up your spine and ignored it, every time, his cologne and his shampoo and just his skin enough to send a riot of butterflies into your throat and suffocate you.
‘Enough of this, it does not matter to me,’ he said, dismissing your months of work.
‘Mr Gutierrez, when you find her, you’ll need…don’t you think you’ll…’ you tried to think of a reason. He didn’t need the money, you knew that. He didn’t need the social status, he had that in spades thanks to his wealth and his association with Nicholas Cage. He had everything a man could want except for the thing that kept him up at night, and when he found it…
‘Don’t you think Nic will want to know what happened to your next movie?’ you tried your Hail Mary, invoking the name of Jesus himself. Javi paused. Your arms now empty you tugged nervously on your sleeve.
‘I will find her,’ he said, determined, and you nodded at him. ‘But when I do, you are right, I will need to juggle all my other responsibilities…Oh, Cariño will you help me, still? You will not leave me to rot?’
‘You won’t rot,’ you said, rolling your eyes at him. ‘You’ll be too happy with her.’
He grinned, his dimples popping out. Sometimes you wondered what it would be like to take them between your teeth, but you resisted, you always resisted.
‘I will be, Cariño, won’t I?’ he said, but he wasn’t asking for an answer, and you could see the way his eyes had drifted away from yours that he was imagining her again, conjuring her in his mind as if he could transport her in front of him just by sheer will.
‘Yes, Prince Charming,’ you said, and he smiled at you, again.
‘If only I had a glass slipper to try on these women,’ he said.
‘You have better,’ you said, nodding to his wrist. Absent minded, he ran his fingers over the mark, the pattern you had seen enough times to know by heart.
He looked at you, sadly, then, his eyes coming back to yours. He knew it was a privilege to have been marked, that not everyone was born with their destiny etched on their wrists.
‘Is this hurting you?’ he asked, and you swallowed, collecting yourself for a moment.
‘You’re not the first I’ve witnessed find their match,’ you said, the words bitter on the back of your throat. ‘I’m happy that you will be happy, Mr Gutierrez. And that you apparently won’t fire me the moment you find her.’
‘I would never,’ he said, jostling the binders in his arms so that he could extend a hand to your shoulder. You felt the warmth seep into your skin through the loose cotton of your shirt. He wore a look of consolation on his face, and somehow that burned more than anything else.
A moment passed between the two of you, Javi’s thumb caressing your skin without his fully realising. You could see again his eyes were unfocussed, could see the spread of goosebumps up his forearm. You pushed him away, taking a step back and out of his grasp.
‘I do hope it’s soon, though,’ you said, plastering a smile on your face. ‘Not sure I can hold off the execs much longer.’
‘Tell them a family emergency came up,’ Javi said, ‘tell them I am sorry, but I must attend to my loved ones.’
‘Mr Gutierrez, we said that last time,’ you reminded him. He dropped your binders, one by one, on the hall table by the door. Through the glass you could see his driver idling his sports car. You held in a sigh. Taking a pen from his front pocket he at least signed the contract, sight unseen.
‘Tell them again…it is not untrue,’ he said. ‘When I find her, she will be family.’
Before you could try and get him to see sense he was gone, the door opened and closed for him as he strode over the threshold. You forced yourself to look away, to turn your shoulder and stare instead at the binders beside you. You could never look when he left you.
--
You had meant to go home, you really had, but you found yourself unaccountably engrossed in Javi’s bookkeeping and before you knew it the sun was setting over the ocean. Your phone rang, the vibrations jolting you out of your work.
‘-lo?’ you said, without checking, and when you heard a scoff you knew it was your roommate, Karla.
‘Girl, what are you doing?’ she asked, and you sighed.
‘I got…stuck with work.’
‘I’ve been texting. This time you didn’t even leave me on read.’
You had put your phone on Do Not Disturb the moment Javi had cleared the driveway. If he found Her, finally, you didn’t want to know about it.
‘Oh, I…needed to concentrate,’ you said. You realised your eyes were stinging and you blinked them a few times. How long had you been bent over your laptop? Too long, judging by the squawk of protest from your shoulders when you moved.
‘You’re breaking your back for this guy again?’ Karla asked. She knew, or at least she suspected with the benefit of very good evidence, that you didn’t work so hard for Javi because you cared about his next big movie production. Balancing the books for a multi-billion-dollar company wasn’t your job, either. But you knew that Javi had been taken advantage of before, by his own family no less, and you just liked to keep an eye on things to make sure he could trust his accountants.
‘I have a business degree, I gotta use it somehow,’ you said, and you heard Karla laugh. ‘What did you want, anyway?’
‘I was calling to see if you wanted to go out tonight, but I’m pretty sure I know the answer.’
‘Mmm,’ you agreed. You felt your stomach protest, remembering that you had forgotten to eat lunch. Javi had a way of making your tummy flip that made it difficult to want to add food to the equation.
‘He’s out again, on the hunt?’ Karla asked, gently, because she could read your mind even through the phone and that was why you loved her.
‘Mmm,’ you said, again, this time trying to sound blasé.
‘And you’re not waiting around for him to come home to see if he’s hit the jackpot?’
‘Mmm-mmm,’ you said, shaking your head for the benefit of absolutely no one.
‘Course not,’ Karla replied. ‘Will you at least go eat something?’
‘How did you…’
‘Could hear your stomach grumbling from here,’ she cut you off, and you grinned. You paused, feeling the smile slide off your face.
‘Do you think he’s ever going to stop looking?’ you asked, and you heard how wistful you sounded, how sad, your voice failing to cover for you.
‘Honestly?’ Karla said, and you held your breath, waiting for her to answer. ‘No, that man is determined and he gets what he wants.'
‘He put the ad in the paper,’ you said, ‘and he went on Late Night and showed his mark on TV.’
‘And how many fakers did that bring out of the woodwork? The cheap tattoos? That one lady who Sharpied hers on and didn’t think he’d try wiping it?’
You scoffed at that. She had lasted all of three minutes, and it was three minutes too long in your opinion. His security teams had received a talking to after that.
‘I don’t like seeing him… like this,’ you said, and you meant distracted and not able to attend important meetings, making you grovel for reschedules. Of course that’s what you meant. ‘He was so disheartened when all that publicity didn’t work.’
‘Kind of makes me grateful I don’t have one, to be honest,’ Karla said. You made your way to Javi’s kitchen, untouched by anyone except for his chef, and scrounged around for something with which to make yourself a sandwich. ‘I think he’ll do all this dating, and he won’t find Her, but he’ll find a girl nice enough, or gorgeous enough, and he’ll make do.’
‘Some stunning influencer.’
‘6 foot tall, waist tiny enough to wrap one hand around,’ Karla agreed.
‘Rich lady hair. Tits up to her chin,’ you added, after a thought.
‘She’ll have a PhD in neuroscience, and something in Law’ Karla giggled, ‘and she’ll volunteer for the UNHCR.’
‘And she won’t know how beautiful she is, she just will be.’
‘She’ll pop out twins and be…wait are we just describing Amal Clooney?’
‘We…we might be,’ you conceded.
‘I met her once, she was lovely.’
‘Of course she fucking was,’ you said, an ache blooming at your temples you were worried would turn into a full-on migraine. Karla was right. That was absolutely the kind of woman Javi would end up with, should end up with, if there was any justice in the universe. You knew this. Of course you knew this.
‘I’m gonna go meet my Not The One But Good Enough,’ Karla decided.
‘Put the sock on the doorknob,’ you reminded her, and she remained on the line long enough to scoff at you before she was gone. She was your best friend.
You turned back to the cupboards, considering your options. The kitchen was well stocked, but it was an ingredient kitchen. You just wanted a box of mac and cheese, not to have to roll the pasta yourself. You sighed.
‘That was dramatic,’ you heard a voice behind you, and you swivelled fast enough to make yourself dizzy.
‘Mr Gutierrez!’ you said, his voice honeyed but his eyes sad in the light from above the stove. ‘You’re back early.’
You watched as he sighed, plonking himself down at the table. Behind him a storm threatened to blow in over the ocean. You felt your stomach sink for him.
‘She was not the One,’ he said, and you nodded.
‘Not even the Not the One But Good Enough?’ you asked, and he shook his head.
You knew Javi. Despite Karla’s predictions, you knew he was uncompromising in getting what he wanted, that he had enough money in the world to engineer any career, any dream for himself but this one thing, this one missing piece, that was nevertheless evading him. He wasn’t the type to settle, even if it would make him reasonably happy. You knew this, too.
‘I do not know how to describe it, just that I knew she was not Her.’
You stayed by the cupboard, not wanting to interrupt his reverie, not sure if you should intrude. It almost seemed as though he forgot you were there, until he snapped his eyes to you. ‘What are you doing hiding in the kitchen?’
‘I didn’t have dinner…’ you said, and he slapped his forehead.
‘I forgot!’ he exclaimed, standing and running out of the room. You followed, because it seemed urgent, and because of course you did. You watched as he ran to the garage, disappearing into the darkness before you heard a car door slam.
‘Sorry, Cariño, I was just so upset about the girl, but it should still be warm. I will heat it for you.’
‘Mr Gutierrez, no, I can…’ you said, not wanting to remind him of the last time he tried to heat up leftovers, including his Great Grandmother’s silver serving spoon.
‘I know, Cariño, no silverware,’ he tutted at you, and you once again found yourself tagging along behind him.
‘Now you know,’ you said under your breath, and you heard him giggle.
So caught up in chasing him down, as per usual, you didn’t even look at what was in his hands until he produced a plate and served it. You had been expecting a half-eaten chocolate cake, maybe some bread and an unwanted appetiser, but what greeted you was an intricate dish, seafood and delicate squares of polenta, a garnish of radish and dill. You looked, as subtly as possible, for any bite marks and found none.
‘The chef recommended it as his favourite,’ he explained, his eyebrows saddling as he watched your reaction. ‘You eat fish, yes?’
You nodded, dumbly. ‘How did you know that I would…’
‘You’re always working late, Cariño. You think I do not notice but I do.’
You felt heat in your chest, your belly flipping again. This time, though, the smell of the food wafting gently over your nostrils was enough to overcome it. You were embarrassed to find your mouth watering.
‘Thank you, Mr Gutierrez,’ you said, warmth in your eyes as you looked at him. He smiled, pleased.
‘She did not like the food at all,’ he said, rolling his eyes as he put the plate down in front of you and went to find forks. ‘She did not like to eat.’
‘Well, she’s crazy,’ you said, too impatient to wait for the cutlery and instead diving in with your hands, picking up a polenta square and popping it into your mouth. An explosion of flavour danced across your tongue and you moaned, your eyes closing of their own volition. When you opened them again you saw Javi gazing at you, pink blooming across his cheeks.
‘It is not cold?’ he asked you, his voice oddly strained.
‘No, it’s good, do you want some?’ you asked, reaching down and holding a square out for him. He came forward, tentative, as you placed the food gently on his tongue. You felt an ember of something lighting between your thighs as he savoured it, groaning slightly.
‘Oh, it is heaven,’ he said, still with his eyes closed. You thought for a deranged moment of slipping from your chair and getting down onto your knees for him, wondering if you could make him make him groan like that with his cock in your mouth. You blinked, swallowing harshly. His eyes opened, gently, to gaze down at you.
‘I regret so much about tonight, and now I must also regret that I did not choose this for my own,’ he said, and you smiled at him. He reached for more and you batted his hand away.
‘Mine,’ you growled at him, and he grinned.
‘My hungry little Cariño,’ he said, and the little ember started to catch flame.
He sat beside you, his hand resting on the back of your chair, as you tucked in. So engrossed in the food you didn’t notice he had lapsed into silence until your plate was almost entirely cleared. When you finally remembered he was in the room you took him in.
He was quiet, his chin resting in his other hand as he considered the darkening sky over the ocean. You could see he was deep in thought, a kind of maudlin contemplativeness he was prone to sink into when things didn’t go his way. You wanted to pull him into your arms and wrap your fingers in his curls, soothe whatever troubled him with your lips on his skin.
‘What else do you regret about tonight?’ you asked, bold for someone who was technically talking to her boss. You pulled him from his reverie, but the room remained heavy with the weight of his sadness.
‘Have I gone about this all wrong?’ he asked. You wanted to reach out and smooth the indent where his brows crashed together, wipe the hopelessness off his face once and for all.
‘I don’t know how else you could have gone about it,’ you said, honestly. ‘You’ve gone about it basically every way there is.’
‘The talk show, that was not such a good idea.’
‘It seemed OK at the time, you just forgot people are generally terrible.’
‘A Sharpie, of all things. And it was black.’
You snorted a little. ‘I mean, no marks for execution but you gotta respect the hustle?’
Javi lapsed back into consternation for a while, and you let him. Being with him set your nerves ablaze but also, paradoxically, calmed you in a way that no-one else did. He was your boss, and he was annoying and this quest of his was ruining your standing with quite a few important contacts, but he was also kind, and he was loving, and you imagined that if you were to rest your head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat it would sound like home.
‘She just feels…I do not know how to say it. She just feels…like she’s right there. But I can not grasp her.’
You wanted to reach out and put your hand on his forearm, rub it with your thumb as you cooed into his ear. You needed to get yourself together. You were tired and he was wearing down your resistance by being so sad and so fucking gorgeous at the same time. You cleared your throat.
‘I should head home, it’s late,’ you said, and he nodded.
‘Cariño…’ he suddenly started, grabbing your arm as you went to move away. You pulled it from him, the heat of his touch even through your sleeves scorching. He sat beneath you as you stood over him at the table, his expression changing from sadness to hope to something else, something not quite settled comfortably on his features. ‘You can come in late, if you like. Since you worked late tonight.’
You couldn’t have said how. Maybe just that the look on his face, his hesitation, just by the way he had paused as he gazed up at you, but you just knew he had been going to say something else, had been thinking something else entirely. You wouldn’t ever be able to articulate it. You just knew this, too.
--
You shouldn’t have been surprised. This was what you wanted, after all. So, you could only smile, a little tightly, when Javi bounded into his office one afternoon, uncharacteristically late, and beamed down at you sitting at your desk.
‘You found her,’ you said, ignoring the stone shifting in your belly.
‘No,’ he said, his face suddenly serious, a look of almost remorse crossing his fucking beautiful features. ‘But she is just as good.’
You nodded at him. Fucking Karla had willed this into existence.
‘So, your quest is over?’ you asked, but he was already bouncing on his heels, looking at you with bright eyes and his dimples so sharp he could poke himself. You recalibrated. ‘Tell me the story,’ you said.
‘Oh, Cariño it was like nothing I had expected but somehow it was better.’ He was looking over your head, as if watching the movie of this perfect moment playing back behind his eyes.
‘We do not have the same marks. Hers is different, it is close but a little off on the left side? Anyway, I was at the bar talking to Marco, you remember Marco he financed my last project? So, I was talking to Marco about locations for filming in the Spring, and suddenly there is a tap on my shoulder and a woman…a vision of a woman…tells me if we need a vineyard she has one on the south coast!’
‘She…has a vineyard,’ you repeated, an image of Amal Clooney in a sundress holding a bottle of wine while giving you the finger appearing in your mind.
‘Well, it is her fathers, but I can not exactly complain about that,’ Javi said.
Ah. There it is.
‘And where did she get her law degree?’ you asked, not able to stamp out all the bitterness in your tone before the words escaped your mouth.
‘Eh?’ he asked, and you waved him away.
‘No, nothing, it’s…that’s great. When do I get to meet her?’
‘Cariño, you want to meet her?’ he asked, and he seemed genuinely surprised this, and because of that it was difficult for you to quantify the hurt it caused.
You’d forgotten, you supposed. All the late-night chats, the bringing you dinner, the times you had stood beside him while he worked his way through half of Europe trying to find his one, then most of Hollywood to boot, you thought that there had been a friendship there, something more than a boss and an overworked, underpaid employee. Of course there wasn’t. He was a billionaire and looked like a model and talked with passion about almost everything he encountered. You were…you. You knew this.
‘Well, I need to vet her, Mr Gutierrez,’ you recovered, quickly. ‘Have you done the necessary background checks?’
‘Oh, I do not need those, this is love,’ he said, and you tasted sour over the back of your throat. Your mouth was turning down all on its own, the muscles of your jaw twanging under the strain. You were horrified to realise you were going to cry in front of him if you didn’t get out of there.
‘Mr Gutierrez, I strongly urge you to do the background checks,’ you said, your voice reedy, but he wasn’t listening. You wondered if he ever would again.
‘We are to holiday in St Tropez,’ he announced. ‘I have just decided. Will you organise the helicopter?’
This time, you didn’t follow him as he strode out the door. You worried, instead, that you had condemned him, and by extension yourself, to a life of disappointment. It had to be this way, you were sure of it, and maybe you were worrying over nothing. Maybe this vineyard-inheriting goddess could make him happy, in the end.
Almost unconsciously you lifted your sleeve, your fingers tracing idly over your mark. You knew Javi’s so well. It mirrored your own.
--
‘He’s going to fucking marry her,’ you predicted, genuine misery in your chest nearly as heavy as the four pints of ice-cream you’d put in your belly. The Ben and Jerry’s had been Karla’s idea, and only now were you slightly regretting it.
‘Oh, fuck her, and fuck him too,’ Karla said, waving melting Triple Caramel Chunk in the air. ‘She’s probably got a stick so far up her arse she can’t bend over without getting a splinter.’
You snickered at this, the cruelty of it appealing to your whispering dark corners.
‘Daddy’s got a vineyarrrrrd,’ you intoned, affecting a truly awful sort-of-British accent.
‘DADDY! GET ME MORE VIIIIIIINES!’ Karla yelled, and now you were laughing so hard you were in real danger of asphyxiation.
‘DADDY! I’M TIRED OF THIS MANSION BUY ME ANOTHER ONE!’ you joined in, through hiccups of laughter and an errant burp.
You both paused for a moment, catching your breath. In the quiet the sadness seeped back in.
‘I still don’t understand why you don’t show him,’ Karla said, after a while. You sighed.
‘It’s not meant to be,’ you repeated for the hundredth time.
‘How can it not meant to be? You’re marked.’
‘Because he’s just…his life is completely different. I don’t fit into it, in any capacity.’
‘You do in one capacity,’ Karla said, nodding her head to your wrist.
‘He would be disappointed,’ you said, eventually, and Karla sighed.
‘You said when you saw him it was like lightning bolts?’ she asked, and you nodded. ‘You don’t think he felt that, too?’
‘I know he didn’t, because he didn’t react at all. It was like he didn’t see me. He just…employed me.’
‘But that doesn’t mean…’
‘Karla, I love you, but you need to listen to me on this one. There were no turtle doves, no petals falling from the sky. He saw me and he shook my hand, and he said, “welcome to my staff, it is lovely to have you” and then he was gone. The whole soulmates thing, they don’t mention that crushing, ridiculous privilege will override it. He didn’t feel anything for me because there was too much money and status in the way.’
You were dangerously close to tears again, the helplessness and the grief washing back over your bones. To your relief Karla just nodded at you, extending a cold hand to rest on your knee. You immediately shucked her off. ‘Ice-cream hands,’ you muttered, and she smiled.
‘I just…I just feel like, shouldn’t he have the choice? To decide for himself?’ she asked, and you shrugged.
‘It’s better this way. He’s found Little Miss Vineyard. He says it’s…he thinks it’s good enough, clearly. That’s good for him.’
‘What about you, bub?’ Karla asked, and you were going to protest, going to tell her that it didn’t matter, that you were happy he was happy, that maybe the one act of love you could do for your soulmate was to just stay out of his way, but for some reason that night the words died on your tongue. You swallowed down their corpses, feeling them curdle alongside ice-cream in your belly.
‘I’ll be OK,’ you said, and you knew the more times you said it, the more likely you would, one day, believe.
--
Javi and Vineyard were gone for the next ten days, which was enough time for you to harden your heart again and get back down to business. You decided, in the spirit of change and new beginnings, to finally bust out the black Amex card Javi insisted you keep in your drawer ‘for emergencies’ and renovated his office, deciding the mid-century brothel vibe didn’t suit a seaside setting. You were going to do modern coastal, you decided, using company time to browse furniture websites and considering the merit of rattan in a professional setting. You were going to do coastal, and you were going to do a fresh start and you were going to do healing. One decorative seashell at a time.
What you didn’t anticipate, though, so insistent on a new office kit out and by extension a new personality, was that everything would arrive flat-packed. The groundsmen faked bad backs, and the security team were pretty adamant their jobs didn’t extend to Allen keys, and so you found yourself down on your knees, sweat sticking your hair to your forehead, trying to beg the lug nut to sit flush on the dowel, whatever the fuck that was. It was this moment, of course, because the Universe was clearly punishing you for an egregious wrong doing in a past life that Javi, of fucking course, wafted back in.
‘Cariño?’ he said, uncertainly, to the lower half of your body.
‘Mmph,’ you responded, a screw held tight between your lips. ‘-ust a sc-nd Mr Git-er-ez,’ you muttered.
‘What are you doing? Where are my things?’ he asked, and you felt your shoulders drop. You took the screw from your mouth, deciding that four equal table legs that all touched the ground was so last year, and got up on your knees.
‘I wanted to surprise you,’ you said, and you looked around at the detritus of your efforts; the bubble wrap, the ripped-open boxes, the two successfully constructed armchairs that took you the better part of the morning to assemble. ‘I thought, a fresh new look for your new love,’ you lied, and watched as his eyebrows shot up.
‘This was all my father’s,’ he said, gesturing to where the old furniture was stacked up against the back wall. You swallowed. You probably should have known that.
‘I…’ you started to apologise, but he cut you off.
‘It was never my style. But I never knew what my style was until…this…’ he said. ‘This is perfect, Cariño. How did you know?’
Your mark tingled and you pulled your sleeve down tight over your wrist.
‘I thought about what I would like and did the opposite,’ you lied again, and he laughed, clapping his hands in delight.
‘My brilliant Cariño,’ he said, and it would have been kinder if he’d just shot you on the spot. You felt the burn and ache in your chest. You wondered what cute little pet names he called Vineyard. But he was coming towards you, getting down on his knees in a way that made your breath catch in your throat.
‘I will assist,’ he announced, in that way he had where there was just no arguing with him.
‘Why do I feel like you have never, in your life, put together flat-pack furniture?’ you asked, and he grinned at you.
‘You know me so well,’ he said, and you really fucking did.
It took an hour and a half, but by the end of your toiling you and Javi had the legs on the desk, all four and all the same length. It turned out if the dowel didn’t sit properly you could just whack it really hard with a paperweight. The things you learned working for Javi.
You stood together, appraising the upturned desk.
‘So, I guess we just each get on the other end and…flip it?’ you suggested.
‘It looks heavy,’ he said, his brows furrowed in concentration.
‘It is, I got the really expensive one,’ you said, and smiled at him when he looked at you, questioningly.
‘You spoiled me?’ he said, and you scoffed.
‘One way to think of it,’ you said, not wanting to tell him you’d paid with glee thinking somehow this might put a little dent in his amour somewhere, knowing that of course it wouldn’t, but feeling the vindication anyway.
‘Ok, Cariño, you get on that end and then I think we…put it on its side?’ he asked, and you nodded at him.
‘Yeah, roll it that way,’ you said, gesturing to your left as you leant down.
‘That way?’ Javi asked, gesturing with his head to his left, not yours, but you weren’t watching him.
‘Mmmhmm,’ you hummed, bracing yourself to lift. Was it lift with your knees to protect your back? Squat? That seemed like it would strain more…
‘1…2…3…’ you counted, hefting the desk to the left while Javi hoisted to the right. It immediately corkscrewed, rolling out of your hand and twisting your wrist as it thudded to the ground. You screamed in surprise and then blooming pain, holding your wrist in your hand as if you could repair it with just your grip.
‘Cariño!’ Javi called, vaulting over the desk and at your side in an instant, reaching out to grasp your wrist. He moved so quickly, so agile over to you that you didn’t have time to react. He pulled up your sleeve to get a better look, turning your wrist towards him to inspect it.
‘Wait, wait…’ you said, as your mark gently rotated into his view.
He froze. You closed your eyes for a moment, terrified to look at him, before you heard his sharp intake of breath. You opened your eyes again to see him examining it, lifting your wrist closer to him to properly inspect it.
‘Cariño…’ he whispered, and you swallowed acid over your raw throat.
‘I can explain,’ you said, but you couldn’t really. He finally lifted his eyes to yours, as if remembering for the first time the mark was attached to a person, and you watched as the confusion on his face crumbled away to a sorrow deep enough you thought he might stop your heart.
‘You knew,’ he said, his voice soft and dripping in betrayal. ‘All this time, you stood and watched…and you never said a thing.’
‘Mr Gutierrez…’ you whispered, not knowing where to even start. He was right, of course he was right, but you had never intended to tell him, had never allowed yourself to imagine the conversation unfolding around you in this moment. The hurt bloomed on his face, and you felt tears start to well at your waterline. You blinked them back.
‘The whole time. You knew,’ he said.
You did, you had known. So many things you had known.
‘I…’ you started, but he was moving, standing up and backing away from you, out towards the door. You looked away as he left you, like you always did. You knew now it would be the last time.
--
This was beyond even Ben and Jerry’s. Karla mostly left you to it, the unique weight of the pain at having hurt your soulmate indescribable. You had read that it was possible, when you finally made the connection, that you could feel their feelings as richly and as closely as your own. The combined weight of your sadness crushed you, pulverised you, such that you could barely think straight. Karla brought you easy food; toast and bananas and chicken soup, and you ate it all without tasting, only feeding your meat suit purely for maintenance, and didn’t allow yourself to remember the taste of the fish Javi brought back to you; his soulmate and his traitor.
You resigned, immediately. In writing, in an email that was never replied to. Each day you scrolled Instagram for news of the inevitable engagement to Vineyard. You held your phone in one hand while you rubbed at your aching mark with the other.
You knew, there were stories, of divorcing soulmates. It was rare but sometimes circumstances overcame even destiny, even biology. Sometimes people died, leaving their soulmates behind. You spent time on message boards reading the stories of people who had lost their connections, of people who had woken up one day and felt the mark cold to the touch, had known in their hearts then and there that their mate was gone. Some had felt it before they had found their matches. They struggled the most; the what ifs, the could-have-beens.
You considered that maybe it was a blessing that you at least knew it was Javi. It would stop you looking for the rest of your life, stop you having to check the wrist of every man you met, second guess any minimal attraction you might have felt to another.
Karla sat on the end of the couch as you stared out the window, the TV on but unwatched in front of you.
‘You love him,’ she said, simply, and you nodded. Heartsick, you didn’t have the words.
‘From the first moment,’ you agreed.
‘No, but it’s deepened, the more time you’ve spent with him,’ she observed. You nodded again before lifting your knees to your chest and resting your cheek there. If you closed your eyes and really tried you could conjure the memory of his cologne, could imagine you rested your head on his chest.
--
A couple of weeks passed. You couldn’t be sure how many. You got off the couch, the thrumming hurt of your heart and your mark lessening somewhat as the days went on. You checked it every morning for its warmth, relieved not to find it cold, and you wondered if your lessening sadness was really just that Javi was moving on with Vineyard. That now you were starting to lose his connection you could be left to your own miserable devices. You considered that this was inevitable, that the ending you had been expecting probably ran pretty close to this. You hated that you had hurt him, though. You had only ever intended to fade into the background before he noticed you were gone.
You applied for another job, this one far less glamorous but less likely to utterly gut you. On the mainland, doing some general bookkeeping and executive assistance for a CEO of a small manufacturing firm. It would be simple work, and you were a shoo-in, subject to a satisfactory referee check. You hovered over the form naming Javi as your previous employer. In the end you named his business manager, leaving the details for him to fill in.
Your reference check came back within the hour. Glowing. You were offered the job.
Your first week was good, then your first fortnight. You received your first pay-check with gratitude, even though it was almost half what Javi had been paying you. You felt good to be productive again, to be able to put some of your skills to good use. You didn’t have to trail behind your boss as he blew off any and all obligations for some flight of fancy. You spent considerably less time discussing Face/Off.
It was fine, you were fine. It was going to be fine. You were aware, distantly, that you were probably heaving in denial and numbness, and it suited you, so you let it.
Except when you woke on what you thought would be a normal Thursday, your mark burning so hot you gasped awake, reaching for it to check it hadn’t been seared into your skin. Holding it up to the light it looked the same. Karla checked it and confirmed it seemed to the same temperature as the rest of you. Just your nerves were screaming, perceiving a flame not visible to the eye.
You googled, checking message boards, searched ‘burning marks’. There was nothing, which you weren’t sure was a good or a bad thing, worried for a moment you would pull up results from those who had lost their spouses, the burning mark serving as a premonition of the horrors to come. You slathered burn cream on it, which did nothing, took an anti-inflammatory or two and considered calling in sick. In the end you decided against it, because you weren’t sick sick, you were heartsick, and somehow that just didn’t feel anywhere near as real.
On the ferry over to the mainland you considered lowering your arm into the ocean water, the cool of the water maybe able to provide some relief. You would have to get down on your knees in your work skirt, on the wet and not particularly clean ferry floor. You considered it longer than you cared to admit.
In your office the heat from your mark started travelling up your arm and you started googling ‘infections of the blood and skin’ and ‘septicaemia’. You wondered if it was an allergic reaction, if perhaps you had run your arm through some kind of heinous plant, and you wondered if the office had an epi-pen in the first aid kit. You googled if it was bad to use one if you weren’t actually in anaphylactic shock. The internet was pretty damning of the idea.
You wondered if you needed to go the local emergency care clinic, was just debating asking your boss for the afternoon off, when a shadow darkened the door.
‘Cariño?’ it said, a perfect Javi-shaped silhouette as the sun streamed in from behind.
‘Mr Gutierrez?’ you asked, gasping immediately as your mark pulsed, the heat shooting down your arm and into your chest. Was it a stroke? How were you supposed to know if it was a stroke?
‘My Cariño,’ he said, stepping forward into your little office and somehow crowding all the space. His cologne wafted over to you, and you felt the warmth of it spread over your nostrils and down into your blood. You wavered a little on your feet.
‘I’m so sorry,’ you said, stepping back from him as he advanced, feeling the sudden urge to keep space between you, not to let him to get too close, knowing that if got within arms reach you would pull him into you, wrap his arms around your back and your legs over his hips, never detach yourself from him, sink your lips over his neck and taste his pulse through his skin.
‘Cariño…’ he said, but you interrupted him, the searing heat of your mark now making its way to your racing heart.
‘I thought you would be happier with someone more like you… I thought it was a kindness, that you would feel something for someone that would be enough to make you happy. And I only ever wanted you to be happy, you have to understand that I did it so that you could be happy…’ you trailed off, the words spilling out of you now, distracted by the flames in your chest. ‘Karla said I should tell you, let you choose, and I know now that she was right, I think I always knew she was right, but the idea that you wouldn’t choose me, I wasn’t sure I could survive it, so I didn’t let you. It was selfish and it wasn’t very brave and I know I hurt you, and I never wanted to…’ you felt tears on your cheeks, marvelled at them, at how they could appear unbidden. You weren’t sure you were breathing. You weren’t fully convinced you were alive.
‘Cariño…’ he tried again, taking another step towards you but you held your hand up, your aching mark now uncovered.
‘Please, please…I don’t think I can…’ you started, but you didn’t know how to finish. You didn’t think you could stand it if he’d come here to just finally end things. To tell you he was going to marry Vineyard but wanted a clear conscience first. Wanted to let you down easy, in person. Was your mark burning because he was furious with you? He mostly just seemed nervous.
‘Let me speak, Cariño, oh my god,’ he muttered, his patience rapidly running out. You stopped short. ‘I know. I mean, not at first. At first, I did not understand, but I thought about what you must have been feeling, how you must have thought of me.’
‘No, I…’
‘The silly man who runs around causing you problems.’
‘No…’ you started, but he kept talking, despite you.
‘But then I thought harder, and I felt more.’ He gestured to his mark, the perfect match for yours. ‘I was not angry, Cariño, I could never be angry at you. I was sad, I think, that I had failed you.’
You shook your head, the words failing you.
‘I felt more into the mark…I do not think I am making any sense. But I thought of you, my Cariño, I think I heard you in my head a little bit, and I thought of your beautiful heart, and I knew why you did it.’
‘You did?’
At this he shrugged, honest and raw. ‘Of course I did, you are my One.’
‘Why did I do it?’ you asked him, genuinely still trying to settle it for yourself.
‘Because you love, and this is how you show it. You put others first. You always have.’ You nodded. This was true. ‘I see that about you, Cariño. What do you see about me?’
You answered immediately. ‘I see a man who feels deeply and freely, who is passionate about what he wants… who usually gets it.’
‘Usually?’ he asked. You noticed for the first time that, since he had started talking, he had also been moving towards you. That if you reached out to him, and he reached out to you, skin would meet skin.
‘Always,’ you said, grinning.
He nodded. ‘It is true, I will not lie,’ he said. ‘I get what I want.’
He took another step, and this time you stayed put.
‘You don’t hate me? You’re not mad? All those dates…’ you asked, and he shook his head.
‘I knew,’ he said, devastating you in two words.
‘You did?’ you asked, with the little breath you still had.
‘Some part of me knew, yes,’ he nodded. His brows were crashing together now, his face so earnest, so open, as he inched towards you like he was trying not to spook a bear. Later you would realise the closer he was to you the less your mark burned. You could smell him this close, more than his cologne but the clean, crisp scent that was just his skin, just Javi.
‘All of those women, Cariño. In all of those women I looked for you.’
You didn’t think. Nothing about it was conscious. You just felt the firework explode in your chest and moved to him, letting him pull you into his arms and kiss you, his lips searching and little muffled whimpers matching your own. It wasn’t just a kiss, it was a melding, a coming together. It was something right and essential slotting into place, a line item checked off on the Universe’s ledger. You gasped into his mouth, your knees weak, your pulse heavy at your throat. His skin on yours. He reached up a hand to cup your jaw, pulling you closer into him.
‘Javi…’ you whispered, and he groaned a little.
‘Say it again,’ he said, and you did.
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another frat boy james adventure // words: 1.4k // cw: james in a snapback, mild sexual content
It's a sunny day in September. One of the last ones. The frat timed their charity week well, most of the students out and about soaking up the last rays of sun before fall gets here.
Regulus is right there with them, the sun warming him up and a rosy hue setting on his cheeks. This rosy hue has everything to do with the sun, by the way, and nothing with the fact that his boyfriend is currently shirtless and washing cars.
Because it would be ridiculous for that to still affect Regulus after a year of exposure. No, he's immune by now. You see, he's only here to offer moral support and perhaps a watchful eye.
And also because James forbade him from coming in with his car. Again.
It's not that Regulus wouldn't be able to afford it, he even has a job now. Scored it in the spring semester, an admin job at the front office. It's not much and it also isn't honest work, but it's something. A way to earn a little money after being disinherited.
James doesn't want him spending it on useless things, though. Not to say the charity is useless, but Regulus has definitely paid his fair share of it. Several times over.
"Can you see me well enough from over there, sweetheart?" James calls out. He has one hand on his hip and the other cupped over his glasses to keep the sun out, as if he isn't currently wearing his snapback backward.
"Shut up," Regulus grounds out. Then, "Yes, I can."
It makes James laugh, head thrown back and the long line of his neck extended. It's probably a good thing they're out in public because Regulus has the sudden urge to lick.
James glances down the street, all the cars being taken care of and none driving up just yet. He jogs over to Regulus.
“I missed you,” he says with a smile, broad and blinding, before leaning in for a kiss.
Regulus accepts the kiss gratefully. Lets it linger instead of pulling away.
“I've literally been sitting across from you for over an hour, James," he mutters.
James just shrugs, an easy gesture. “Still missed you.”
Even after a year, warmth skitters down his spine and blooms under his skin. Maybe if James were less lovely, Regulus would be more immune to him, but as it is, he doesn't stand a chance.
“I know. Me too.”
James is about to say more when a loud honk startled them out of their bubble. The orbit they unknowingly enter into every time they're together. The moon and the earth, endlessly circling each other.
Regulus can't help the annoyed glare he shoots towards the car, annoyance deepening when he realizes whose car it is.
Barty is leaning out of the passenger window, shift stick undoubtedly digging into his stomach.
"Mr. Potter, sir!" He calls out. "Could I order one washed car from you, please?"
James rolls his eyes good-naturedly, jogging over to Barty's car and inspecting it.
Regulus takes a steadying breath, reminding himself that he loves his friend dearly, and pushes himself out of the folding chair.
He makes his way over to Barty's car in a way that some might describe as a stalk or even a stomp, and yanks the door open.
He drops down into the passenger seat, arms crossed over his chest, and shoots Barty an unamused stare.
"What?" Barty asks, a smile on his face that allows for his piercing to peek out from under his upper lip.
"My question exactly," Regulus replies.
"Well, you know me." Barty presses a hand over his heart, the picture of sincerity. "I am nothing if not generous. A real giver. Simply here to support the cause and—"
"Do you ever stop talking?" Regulus slumps in his seat even more. Some might call this sulking.
"I don't know. Maybe James can shut me up," Barty offers, wagging his eyebrows suggestively
"I hate you."
"You don't. Besides, I just offered you a front row seat to the James Potter Show."
"I had a front-row seat," Regulus argues. He doesn't even pretend he was here for any other reason. Barty would see right through him anyway. "Literally."
"Just enjoy the immersive experience, Reg," Barty says with a condescending pat to Regulus' knee.
And well... Who is Regulus to look a gift horse in the mouth?
James appears at the window as if summoned, a sponge in one hand and a bucket of sudsy water in the other.
Regulus watches with rapt attention as the muscles in James' shoulders contract. As his stomach clenches with every swipe upward. As he tugs his lower lip between his teeth, seemingly really focusing on a tough stain.
Regulus feels heat pool in his gut.
It evaporates as soon as James winks at him through the car window.
Bastard.
James Potter is a bastard because knows exactly what he's doing and Regulus is an easy, easy man.
As soon as Barty hands James a ten-dollar bill and drives off, Frank or Peter or Gideon calls for a lunch break.
The timing is ideal because Regulus is dragging James up to his room before anyone has a chance to notice, too busy brainstorming about what to order.
James' room is a familiar mess by now. Pictures tacked on the walls, Regulus featured in more than a few of them. A football balanced precariously next to the pile of books on James' desk and the overstock filling his bedside table. A mirror in the corner of the room and clothes scattered across the floor.
It's silent between them until Regulus locks the door, the click echoing, and then all bets are off.
They draw together like two magnets, James' lips on his as they stumble toward the bed.
"Do you even know how absurd you look?" Regulus asks. He drags his teeth down the side of James' neck, biting into that tender spot that always makes James gasp.
"No," James manages breathlessly. "You should tell me."
"How are you able to be insufferable at a time like this?" But the words lack any real heat. Regulus is too busy being into it to be annoyed.
Still, James replies, "You seem to suffer me just fine."
And Regulus has no choice but to kiss him for it. To steal the words out of his mouth as if that will make them any less true.
They don't talk much after that. Clothes are shed easily — not that James was wearing many to begin with, clad in only his snapback and board shorts. Regulus makes quick work of his own clothes, hands fumbling with his belt while James fumbles with the lube bottle.
Regulus works a slick finger into James. Then two. Then three, until James' back arches clean off the bed and James' hands are buried in Regulus' hair.
It's easy to slide in after that.
James is pretty like this. Lips parted and eyes shut, sweat gathering in the hollow point between his collar bones. An absolute vision.
Regulus is about to tell him as much when there's banging on the door. An impatient hand rattles the handle at the same time. "I swear to God, if you guys are having sex in there–'
Regulus stills and blindly grabs a book from James' bedside table to hurl at the door.
"Hey," James gasps, "I was reading that."
Regulus quirks an eyebrow, unamused. "Are you reading right now?"
"No."
"That's what I thought."
Another insistent knock on the door, followed by a whine of, "Come on, guys. I just need a shirt!"
"Go shirtless for all I care!" Regulus calls back.
Sirius sounds unimpressed when he says, "That would be public indecency."
"Respectfully, I don't give a fuck." Regulus has another book at the ready, The Scarlet Letter, from James' Comparative Lit class. Appropriate.
He tosses it at the door with as much strength as he can muster and takes pleasure in the startled yelp he gets in return.
He takes more pleasure, however, in the way James clenches around him.
"Reg," he whines. "Sweetheart. Focus on me now."
"Don't I always?" Regulus asks, fingers curling under that golden necklace James always wears. He leans in for a kiss, James meeting him halfway there.
And maybe Regulus has a box hidden in his dorm room. A golden necklace tucked inside with a small R dangling from it.
And maybe he has a second necklace, silver with a J, for himself to wear.
And maybe James doesn't make it out again in time for his second shift at the car wash. That's fine though, Regulus has more than enough money set aside to spend all day at the kissing booth tomorrow. He's sure he'll be able to cover the losses.
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